posted by drew on 10/05/2003
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Have you seen the most scarring tv commercial in the history of the cathode ray tube yet? If for some reason don't have Quicktime and can't see the ad, allow me to recap for you:
Two guys sitting on a bench, eating subs. Guy #1 condescendingly chides Guy #2 for the crime of not chowing on a toasted sub and asks him "Were you raised by wolves?". Guy #2 thinks for a moment, conjures up a flashback of childhood and confidently replies "Yes...yes I was." Doesn't sound so bad, right? A dorky or snarky response, perhaps, but nothing earth-shattering. So, what's so scarring about a boring sub ad, you ask? Well, I'll tell you.
When we see his flashback of childhood, it shows a bunch of l'il baby wolves nursing on the mommy wolf. The camera pans up a bit, and we see Guy #2 as well, laying along with the baby wolves, HUNGRILY SUCKING AWAY ON THE MOTHER WOLF.
I went blind for three days.
It's only after intense drug therapy that I can even speak of the atrocity. What the heck is Quizno's thinking running this on national television? What of all the other unsuspecting souls who are being subjected daily to this intimate man-on-wolf contact? How many basic biology lessons are going to have to be re-learned? How about all the maulings due to drunken fools who are jealous of guy #2, and also want to drink of the sweet nectar of the big bad wolf? How many lives must be ruined before Quizno's realizes the error of their ways?
Okay, maybe I like to get a tad dramatic when I see people nursing on Jack London's pals. To Quizno's credit, they do have a tamer version of the commercial online, which is exactly the same, except instead of the beforementioned heinousness, the guy is laying around with the wolves and getting licked in the face. Much less jarring.
But before I digree further into more trauma-induced babble...what exactly is the intent of the suckling commercial? That those who do not eat Quizno's subs are basically wolf-lickers? A bit aggressive, no? And besides, now whenever I see a toasted sub, I instantly flash back to the bestial act and can't digest solid food for a good 48 hours.
If Dr. Phil had any sense in his fool bald head, he'd just lock up those suckers on his new diet and show this commercial in an endless loop. They'll be looking like Lara Flynn Boyle in no time flat!
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