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...except when the snark is executed by a trained professional like myself. I beg you, for your own safety, please don't try this at home.
Confession: I've been thinking about this Michael Douglas/Catherine Zeta-Jones stalking trial. A lot. And I've got this creeping suspicion that I've seen this all before somewhere. Here are the facts of the case, as I know 'em.
1. This lady was obsessed with Michael Douglas.
2. "She crazy," to use the parlance of the times.
3. Michael Douglas was turned off by her insanity, to say the least.
4. Crazy lady then attempts to contact Michael Douglas' wife multiple times.
5. Michael Douglas keeps this a secret from her for two years.
6. Michael Douglas finally sits wife down and tells her about crazy lady when he realizes wife's life is truly in danger.
7. Crazy lady attempts suicide.
So my $64,000 question of the day is this:
How soon until it comes out that Michael Douglas actually wound up making crazed monkey love with this woman in the kitchen sink and in the elevator before she went off her rocker?
I'm just sayin'.
Related tune: Fatal Attraction by Punchline (Real Audio via putemonthemap.com)
Now that Fahrenheit 9/11 has made a cool one hundred million bucks, (bet Disney's still kicking themselves over that one) Michael Moore's planning his new flick, Sicko. Now I know there are certain people out there who don't dig Michael Moore (gasp!) and despise every movie he makes.
Even though I'm a Moore fan myself, I can still respect that there's oodles of people who would like to bash him with a large rock in the same fashion that Nolte attempted to smush De Niro's noggin in Cape Fear. Heck, his last two movies were about guns, Columbine, 9/11, Iraq, and the Bush administration and any filmmaker would have pissed off at least one half of the country no matter which side of the issue he/she took.
But this upcoming movie, Sicko, is going to be a critique of HMOs. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't HMO's universally loathed no matter which side of the political fence you're on? I've always considered it to be sort of like airplane food or waiting in line at the DMV, or movies that aren't Almost Famous starring Kate Hudson; there can't actually be people who like these things, can there? I mean, personally, I don't know anybody who's like "Rah-Rah! HMO! They do the best they can, you know!" or "HMOs! HMOs! They're your man! If they can't do it, I'm sure they have a perfectly plausible explanation, er...Stan!"
Okay, so you can see why I never did make head cheerleader.
My idealistic point is, to all of you non-Michael Moore people out there...why not give this upcoming flick a shot? We can agree to disagree on the various partisan issues of the day, but perhaps we all hold hands and rejoice at a movie that skewers health-maintenance organizations. And if we can get to that point, can we additionally agree in unison to boycott any movies that aren't Almost Famous starring Kate Hudson? Can I get an amen?
Related tune: You Make Me Sick by Pink (Windows Media via pinkalive.com)
Here's Colin Farrell on the set of Terrence Malick's The New World, that upcoming Pocahontas flick. He sure doesn't seem very chipper in this pic (from MCN), and that got me to thinking...why is Colin so glum? Here's the top 5 reasons I could come up with:
(1) The realization has finally sunk in that he turned down Lindsay Lohan back in March.
(2) He just found out that with the success of Moulin Rouge and Chicago, they've opted to change the movie into a musical. And they've obtained the rights from Disney for Vanessa Williams to reprise "Colors Of The Wind."
(3) After weeks of begging Malick, he received final word that he won't be allowed to show off his schlong in this movie, either.
(4) After finally got through watching The Thin Red Line, Colin is incredibly fearful that at least two hours of the film will be extended shots of alligators and birds.
(5) Farrell had been given the impression that this version would contain some hot and heavy scenes with Irene Bedard, the incredibly attractive actress that Disney used as the model for their "hubba hubba" Pocahontas. Once he signed on, however, they did a bait-and-switch and cast thirteen year old Star Search 2 contestant Q'Orianka Kilcher.
Still plenty of time to win that free Fahrenheit 9/11 poster!
Related tune: Sad Eyes by Robert John (Real Audio via Our Real Audio Favorites)
I keep seeing Adrien Brody's mug since The Village is coming out today, and though most people associate him with The Pianist or Summer Of Sam, or "the kiss", whenever I see Mr. Brody, I always think of him in Tori Amos' A Sorta Fairytale video. It's a video that you don't quickly forget; trust me on this one. And shockingly, the majority of people I know have never seen this 2002 video off the Scarlet's Walk album. So I figured I'd help do my part to make sure that you, too, will never think of Adrien Brody in quite the same way.
So what's the video about, you ask?
It's almost a remake of the Pianist, but squished into four minutes. Except instead of playing piano maestro Wladyslaw Szpilman during WW2, he's a modern day guy who has an arm instead of a body. Like, Brody head, followed by neck, followed by...an arm. That's it. Naturally, he walks (or more accurately, hops) around on his hand. But as opposed of avoiding Nazis and going through a living hell, he hooks up with Tori Amos. Who happens to be a striking gal who has a leg instead of a body. You can see where the attraction would come from; these people would find each other a party awfully quick, I'd have to think. So they meet, go through their ups and downs, and learn valuable life lessons like if you're a head on a solitary leg, don't wear heels or that it's easy to hitch a ride on a skateboard when you have this particular condition. And, of course, they grow from their experiences together.
Come to think of it, it's not one iota like the Pianist.
Oh, quit criticizing my analogy skills and just watch the damned thing already.
A Sorta Fairytale (Real via jigartala.com)
A Sorta Fairytale (Windows Media via sonymusicasia.com)
A Sorta Fairytale (Quicktime via bumrock.com)
Related tune: A Sorta Fairytale (well, duh) by Tori Amos (mp3 via hereinmyhead.oneway.com)
Because my start page is MSN, I'm the most in-the-know person you might ever come across in your entire life. When I'm at a party, everyone circles around me, gazing with admiration and awe, as I regale them with the oh-so-juicy info that MSN provides me. Just like my Crest Whitening Strips and my regular Botox injections, it's yet another secret ingredient in my recipe for success. MSN covers the stories that are just way too tough and controversial for wussy competing media outlets. Don't believe me? Just check out the #2 news story that's on their site this very moment.
Fake e-mails fool users.
I smell Pulitzer. The very fabric of our society might come crumbling down once people become aware of these "fake e-mails" and their ability to bamboozle.
I have it from an inside source some of the future stories that MSN is working on this very moment, and since I love you all like you my own, I thought I'd share these upcoming MSN headlines with you. Humble and giving, that's Drew for you.
Survey Results: Ticket Prices Too High
Digital Video Disc Sales On The Rise
Exclusive: Ben Affleck And Jennifer Lopez May Not Wed
Study Reveals Percentage Of People Use Internet For Pornography
Shocking But True: Eating "Low Carb" May Cause Weight Loss
Related tune: What A Fool Believes by The Doobie Brothers (mp3 via anna.is)
I originally posted this two days ago on Tagline, but since some of you lazy sods informed you shan't be bothered with the arduous task of clicking on a link, here's the post in its entirety. Who's a better enabler than yours truly?
You think Jet Li kicks much ass?
He's a wussy.
You declare Jackie Chan's the master of the martial arts?
You're trapped in 1982.
You proclaim Sean William Scott the new action king?
I think I hear your mom calling, she wants to know if whether you want your birthday cake decorated with Pikachu like last year, or with Tinky-Winky on it, like two years ago.
I hereby decree that the new king of delivering industrial-sized cans
of whupass is Phanom Yeerum (aka Tony Jaa), the star of the Thai film
Ong Bak (aka Mach). Because making grandious declarations is mighty
fun. Don't believe me? Just look at that above quote from the New
York Times! Really, look at it.
Okay, so I have no idea what that quote from the Times actually says.
It could say "Hey, have you seen that movie Shattered Glass? Maybe
you could get off our asses and go pick on The New Republic a bit.
That Stephen Glass sure is a whiny little bitch."
But since they're using it to open their glorious
Quicktime trailer, I'll assume it says something wonderful
about this flick. The trailer certainly wets my whistle, go see for
yourself. Fight Club-esque gatherings to cheer and throw coinage
after the pounding of a human being? Check. Leaping over
cars and running on top of the shoulders of a gang of
baddies, all sans wires and tired CG? Check. Breaking glass, lots of
mid-air flips and bone-crushing blows that make you cringe? Check.
And of course, sliding under cars, jumping through various hoops and
between panes of glass, and delivering kicks whilst his feet are
aflame are all on the agenda. On a side note, I once ordered Pad Thai
from the local Thai joint that set my feet aflame. Word to the wise:
don't be a big shot and try to impress somebody by ordering "spicy" at
a Thai joint.
So, after watching the trailer, I pose this question to you:
How can you not question the existence of a higher power when DMX
(whose actual name is Huffy) is widely known as an action hero but
when you ask 99.9% of humanity if they dig Phanom Yeerum, they think
you're talking about a Star Wars flick?
Related tune: Kung Fu Fighting by Carl Douglas (mp3 via maupouet.julien.free.fr)
Hot damn, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy teaser trailer (.avi) is here! And boy, does it appeal to my inner dork. By the way, I show my inner dork on the outside, in case that "inner" word caused you raise an eyebrow. I suspect the main event in the teaser would warrant at least a yellow on the the national threat level thingamahoo, but given how quickly things transpire in the book, it's hardly what I'd consider to be a spoiler.
But in an altogether different matter, I'm astonished that they gave away the answer to the Great Question of Life, the Universe and Everything. If you're on the lookout for it, that is. People have waited countless lifetimes for this kind of answer to the philosophical quandries that have plagued mankind! It's like if they would have showed Dirk Diggler's diggler in the teaser trailer for Boogie Nights, instead of waiting 'til the end of the movie. Not that I particularly wanted to see that monstrosity; I still have nightmares about it chasing me down a hallway. Jen's not fond of that dream for some reason.
Trailer and poster via CHUD.
Related tune: Hitchin' a Ride by Vanity Fare(mp3 via vanity fare)
Pop quiz, hotshot. You have a blog that you're incredibly slack about updating. You can either post more often, or lose every single person who was ever masochistic enough to actually read your fluff in the first place. What do you do? What do you do?
Do a guest post on somebody else's blog that you already dig, of course. I'm incredibly easy; all Tagline had to do was say a couple of nice things, and whammo! I'm giving 'em free content every once in a while before I post it here. Whereas I'm sure my writing has at least the value of a Zagnut bar from 1996. I need better representation. Have no fear though, I'm not going anywhere. This is still my home sweet home where my musings reside and besides, I'd have to pay a year's rent if I attempted to break the lease.
So, go check out my brand-spanking-new post about Ong Bak right here at Tagline. Then come back here before I get abandonment issues. And could you pick up Ben & Jerry's Pistachio Pistachio while you're out? You're a doll.
Related tune: She Works For The Money by Donna Summer (mp3 via icdmusic.com)
Catwoman sucks. The reviews are slicing and dicing it quicker than that horse-kabob in The Cell. But I noticed a disturbing trend in the reviews and talk of the film that I suspected might occur, so being the bored soul that I am, I decided to Google these three words:
catwoman halle litter
I figured this would narrow it down and give me only instances where a person was talking about Halle Berry's Catwoman movie, and not Halle's retched performance in Swordfish or some kook who named her feline Catwoman and likes to talk about her pooping habits. So, how many Google hits did I come with using the holy trinity of "catwoman halle litter"?
782 freakin' results. Can we have a moment of silence for the death of creativity, please?
"Belongs in the litter box..."
"Ewwww, who spilled the litter box?"
"Verdict: Kitty Litter"
"It's bitter litter"
"I've smelled 2 week old kitty litter..."
"time to clean out the litter box."
"the hidden poop you find in kitty litter."
And on, and on, and on. Must we all rely on the same tired, beat-to-death cat jokes in order to speak of this film? Could the 781st person possibly have thought that they were breaking new ground with a litter reference? Did they chuckle to themselves and say "Damn, I'm one clever mofo." Oh, the humanity!
Ummm...I've just been informed that I posted about Catwoman back in May and in said post I joked about Catwoman and made a kitty litter reference.
Is it too late to delete this entry?
Related tune: Cat Scratch Fever by Ted Nugent (mp3 via wac77.com)
...its got a name. Its got a name.
Which might have been, like, fascinating news if the story hadn't been broken over a year ago. Also, a tad uncreative considering the original title of Jedi, no? I'm sure anybody taking Psyche 101 or that has a second grade education can easily deconstruct the "SITH" anagram and see that maybe George Lucas has some self-loathing deep down somewhere. Same sith, different day.
Will this be a good film? To paraphase Sam The Man in Pulp: it may be the cinematic equivalent of eating pumpkin pie but I'll never know, 'cause even if it did, I'd never watch the filthy motherf***er.
The entries are still pouring in to win that free Fahrenheit 9/11 poster!
Related tune: Name Of The Game by Abba (Windows Media via cdzlimited.net)
Sheesh, I'm starting to look more and more like Muriel with all these Abba songs...
...in a country where they turn back time.
Will anybody get my hipster Al Stewart reference, or shall I continue my Dennis Miller streak of pitifully arcane references alive and kicking?
Of course, anybody who refers to himself as a hipster while referring to Al Stewart probably needs a serious reality check. But hell, at least I'm self-aware.
Anyway, there's a point to all this tomfoolery...honest. Have you seen the new Year Of The Rat video by Badly Drawn Boy yet? To quote the church lady in Bad Lieutenant, it's a holy thing! A holy thing! Not only is it terrific eye-candy and a catchy tune, but it's got a firm pro-hug to solve the world's woes stance that appeals to my "tax-hiking, government-expanding, latte-drinking, sushi-eating, Volvo-driving, New York Times-reading, Hollywood-loving, left-wing freak show" sensibilities. I usually don't point out videos on the blog since it's really a sad substitute for, you know, actually writing. But then again, I haven't written for a while either, so hey, it's better than nothing. Barely.
When I first saw this vid, I thought for sure it was directed by Sylvain Chomet, who did the Triplets of Belleville (or Les Triplettes de Belleville, if vouz parlez francais). I mean, it's really got a Triplets vibe to me. But just like when I bet on the Bills to beat the Giants in the Super Bowl, I was dead wrong. Turns out it was directed by a fella named Monkmus. Who knew? So, in an attempt to prove the "lead a horse to water" theory wrong, here's every way possible to watch this l'il gem of a video, Badly Drawn Boy's Year Of The Rat. So watch the damn thing, already.
Year Of The Rat (Real Video)
Year Of The Rat (Windows Media)
Year Of The Rat (Quicktime)
Just for good measure, here's the mp3, too.
Don't forget, you have 'til August 8th to win that free Fahrenheit 9/11 poster!
Related tune: Belleville Rendez-Vous (mp3 via flashstyle.org)
All you have to do is buy 3 of my Amway products, and it's yours, baby!
I kid, I kid.
I've got one brand spanking new Fahrenheit 9/11 movie poster (13"x20") and I figured somebody who comes around these parts would probably want one. So one random person is going to snag it, I won't make you jump through any hoops or any other sadistic tricks. Drew don't play those games. Drew also don't use subject/verb agreement correctly.
If you're a Fahrenheit 9/11 or Michael Moore fan, you can build a shrine around it, light some candles, and worship the almighty poster every day for the rest of your existence. Or, if you loathe Mr. Moore, you can always use it as a dartboard or maybe use it to build a little bonfire whilst cursing his name. Either way, it's a guarantee of joy no matter which side of the fence you're on. Unless you couldn't really care less. In which case, you still might as well enter and then give it to somebody who feels strongly about it, you apathetic bastard.
Just shoot me an e-mail at drew@script-o-rama.com with "Fahrenheit 9/11" in the subject line any time between now and August 8th, and using my amazing power of random selection (one potato, two potato...), I shall pick one superlucky entry as the winner. That's all it takes. You can enter as many times as you like, since I've got Gmail and you won't overfloweth my box. And don't worry, when the contest ends, I will individually wrap each entry in bathroom tissue and dispose of it in a proper, sanitary manner. No spameroo from Drew.
Related tune: The Winner Takes It All by Abba (mp3 via bards.pp.ru)
New post coming tomorrow, though. In the meantime, enjoy this haiku:
Worker bees can leave
Even drones can fly away
The queen is their slave
...or why I suddenly have a craving for a foot long hot dog.
| Drew's Blog-O-Rama:
Obviously, I'm not trying to re-invent the movie blog wheel here. I'm just never lacking in opinions about movies, pop culture, news, and other assorted hoohah. And my mailman has put a restraining order on me, so here's my place to vent.
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