Voila! Finally, the Amusement script is here for all you fans of the horror movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. At least you'll have some Amusement quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?
And swing on back to Drew's
Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.
Amusement Script
God.
How long have I been out?
About an hour.
Where are we?
We just crossed the state line.
- Really?
- Mm-hm.
Already?
Mm.
Why do I smell food?
There should be a girlie toy
in there for you.
Thanks, sweetie.
- Yeah.
Jesus, Rob, slow down.
You're driving over a hundred.
- I've got a really good convoy going here.
- No.
Just slow down. Now.
Thank you.
Look...
...okay, I know we had a shitty weekend.
I wanna get home too.
But let's just do it safely, okay?
No more bad luck.
Oh, I got the spot.
"I love you too, Shelby."
I love you too.
I do.
I'm wide awake so get some sleep.
- Okay. Thank you, sweetie.
- Mm-hm.
Ah. Bingo.
- Hey, you knocked out another hour.
- Ugh.
I only feel more tired.
Are you tired yet?
Nope.
I cannot believe you started another one.
I didn't.
- This one found me.
- Oh, whatever.
Look at the speedometer.
It's like 12 miles over the speed limit.
The other one, you were right.
It was too fast and unsafe.
- This one isn't.
- Oh, please.
Seriously, there's like an art
to a good convoy, babe.
It's like a conversation between us
and the cars as we drive. We communicate.
No, did you see that? That's him warning
me that there's some slow cars up ahead...
...so we're gonna have to pass them.
Oh, that's pretty considerate.
Oh, see, now this is what I like to call
a brake pumper.
You think speeding's dangerous,
try driving behind this guy.
Okay.
At this speed, I'm fine with it.
Just don't go faster.
Oh, right on.
I was wondering
when they were gonna need to fuel up next.
Well, what do we do?
Are we supposed to introduce ourselves,
say hi?
I don't know.
I mean, I've never actually met anyone
I've been in a convoy with.
Sure am glad we all had to stop.
Hey, I'm Bert.
- Rob.
- Rob.
- Hi.
- Oh, nice.
You a Robert?
Or a Roberto? Ha, ha.
No, I'm just kidding. Ha.
- Hello. So where you headed there, Rob?
- Uh, Cincinnati.
Oh, you're kidding.
It'll be nice
to have some steady company.
- Yeah, you bet. Yeah.
- Yeah.
Okay. Uh, well...
...see you inside.
- Sure. Yeah.
- Kids want their chocolates.
All right.
Uh-oh. Looks like someone
got the munchies.
Ha, ha, ha. Yeah.
No, I'm just messing with you. Anyway,
uh, I was talking to this trucker inside.
Not very chatty guy.
Anyway, he said he got on
his, uh, radio-thingy.
Said the interstate up ahead's
pretty wall-to-wall.
Mm. Really?
- Hey?
Trucker on my CB says
it ain't moving worth a damn out there.
Told me a way around it, though, so...
...you're more than welcome
to swing on in behind me.
Come on. I could use the company.
Road's a lonely place
when you're traveling solo.
Yeah, you got it, man. Hey, thanks.
No problem.
What'd you talk about?
Oh, the interstate's jammed up ahead
so we're gonna go around.
- Yeah, and Mr. Lonesome up front there...
- Uh, he's not alone.
Yeah, he is. That's what he said.
Rob, he's not alone.
There's a girl with him. I saw her.
Misunderstanding then.
It's no big deal.
You sure we should be doing this?
Would you rather turn around
and crawl up the interstate?
It's like a parking lot.
No.
Guess we're fine.
Great.
It's the sticks, Shelby.
People hunt out in the sticks.
There, see? Did you see that?
- What?
- In the window. Get closer.
There is someone in there.
Hello? Hello?
- Can you hear me?
- What the hell?
You get his plates.
You get his license plates.
- Shelby, come on.
- No, just go! Get his plates now! Go!
- Just hurry up!
- Okay.
Okay.
Is she okay? Is she alive?
- Yeah.
- Get her up.
- There she is. There she is.
Okay, she's back with us.
Lift her up.
- You keep her coherent. I'll be right back.
Keep him away from me.
- Oh, I will. It's okay.
He threw you from the truck,
but he took off. You'll be fine.
No, I jumped.
What?
Shelby!
Shelby!
Are you okay?
What happened?
He... He...
He came back.
I know. I know.
Where's my girlfriend?
He took them.
He took both of them.
Both that lady and your girl.
What?
He took off over there.
Lift me up.
- Help me up.
- Yeah. Okay. Okay, come on.
Wait, wait. Yeah, okay, all right.
- You let me go.
- You're hurt. I'll go.
Shhh. Just please promise me...
...you take care of my family
if something happens, okay?
I don't know where I am.
No, no, I was taking her to rehab.
Don't know. Accident.
Maybe she jumped.
I don't know
because the bitch was crazy.
Sorry.
Rob. Rob!
Hold on, Shelby.
You picked the wrong convoy, buddy.
Hello?
Hello?
- Hi, Tabby.
- Hey.
Sorry I'm late.
Huh.
Hello?
- Smoking.
- Hey, Maxie.
- Hi.
Danny, where's the babysitter?
- She left already.
- Yeah, she lefted.
What?
Are you sure?
Hello?
I'm here.
Hello, it's Tabitha, the Carmines' niece.
Okay.
What's next?
"Quiet time."
Boys, you're supposed to be quiet.
Hello?
Yes, hi. I'm here for June.
June? There's no June here.
Oh, well, no, she's been sitting
over here today.
I dropped her off earlier.
She missed cheerleading practice,
I'm getting worried.
I'm her boyfriend, Owen.
I'm the Carmines' niece
and when I got here, she had already left.
Just left the children alone?
You haven't heard from her since?
- I haven't heard from her.
I didn't even see her.
Oh, it's... It's just not...
It's not like her to not call me.
Maybe she just went to a friend's house.
With the storm and all.
Yeah, I... I guess so.
I just...
Be sure...
...to tell her that I stopped by
if you see her.
I will.
And what are his special powers?
Um...
Um, he can... He flies.
Swoosh, swoosh.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
And shoots fire from his hands.
I tooted.
Excuse me.
Okay, men, time to hit the hay.
Aww.
Okay, good night, love bug.
Sleep tight.
- Good night.
- Night, Tabby.
No, no, no, leave it cracked.
Okay. Shhh.
Just go to sleep.
You've gotta be kidding me.
- Hello?
- Tabitha? It's Aunt Grace.
- Sorry to be calling so late, but you know.
- Yeah, no, no. It's okay.
Oh, I didn't wake you?
No. No.
I just wanted to check
on the little ones. How are they?
They're fine. Perfect angels.
They went to bed no problem.
Okay, good.
Listen, um...
...I love your new house
but the clown in my room...
No offense, but I hate it.
Oh, God, which one now?
The big one.
Which one?
You know, the really big one.
I'm not sure which one you mean.
The one that sits in the chair.
You know, it's life-size.
The really, really big one.
You have him propped up
in that rocking chair.
Tabby, what...? What are you talking about?
In the guest bedroom,
with all the other clowns.
The one bigger than me.
We... We don't own anything like that.
Yeah, you do.
I'm looking right at it.
Tabitha.
Tabitha, are you there?
Tabitha!
Tabitha!
Boys.
Wake up.
Boys?
Where are you?
What's wrong, Tabby?
Don't be scared.
Boys, listen to me, we have to hide.
There's a bad man,
a very bad man in the house.
He just wants to play.
Like earlier at the door.
That was him?
Owen.
No, don't!
But, Tabby, he said he just wanted
to have some fun.
Help!
Help!
Help!
Get going.
Come on.
Hurry up, hurry up.
Boys, run. Get help.
Run.
Ah... No!
No!
Miss Wright, do you know anybody
who would want to hurt you?
This whole thing is gonna work out
a lot smoother...
...if you just cooperate with us, okay?
Do you remember anything about the man
who attacked you?
Let me see, let me see.
Let me look at yours first.
Okay, here.
Tabitha, this is boring.
No, it's not. Yours is boring.
Mine is better than this.
You'll see.
Now let me look in yours.
Not till I see all of yours first.
Um, Shelby.
Shelby, yours is worse than Tabitha's.
No, it isn't.
Lisa.
Now, what's that?
- It's a sleepover.
Now let us see yours.
Okay. One at a time and I have to hold it.
It's funny, right?
No.
It isn't.
Shelby.
Let's go. Hurry.
Hello, Tabitha.
I'm an on-site trauma counselor
for the state...
...and I'd just like to ask you
a few questions.
All right?
I realize you're in a serious
state of shock...
...so we'll just go at your own pace,
okay?
Do you know a Lisa Swan?
I'm telling you, dude.
- Stop it.
Don't make me laugh when I'm applying.
You're drunk, Miss Swan.
And you're celibate. Take off
the chastity belt and go home with him.
No.
It's Roommate Night.
Besides, he just moved into town
and he's staying at the Pere's Pension.
- That dump by the park?
- Yeah. But it's temporary.
Be nice.
Mm.
At least let him drive you home.
You're right.
- So I'll see you at home in 30, okay?
- Mm-hm.
Okay. Okay, stop.
You know I want to
but it's Roommate Night.
And she lives for this shit.
You had to live
with the consummate good girl.
- I know. I'll make it up to you. I promise.
- Yeah.
Bye.
Hey, Cat.
Let's get this night going.
Cat?
Cat?
Mm.
Hey.
- Hey, baby, it's me.
You can turn back around.
You're kidding me.
It's Roommate Night.
No, she's not here.
I guess she got lucky.
Good for Cat.
It had to happen sometime, right?
- I'll see you soon.
- I'll be there.
Bye.
It's after 4:00.
She never does this.
She never goes home with a guy
unless she's dated him for a month at least.
Maybe she did.
No.
I mean, we're talking about Cat.
Come on, you know her.
No, I'm just gonna run over there
real quick.
- Over where?
- The Pere's Pension.
Oh, come on, Lise.
You're overreacting.
Hi, I was wondering if I could...
- Sorry. All the beds are full.
But...
Now, don't you find it strange
that for a full hotel...
...we haven't seen one person come or go
in over two hours?
Yeah. But, I mean, we're not even sure
that Cat went anywhere near that place.
She's my best friend.
She doesn't do anything without telling me.
And the last person that saw her
is staying there.
I mean, come on, Dan, she hasn't called
all day. That never happens.
Can't you just use your badge?
Lise, I work for the Health Department,
okay? Not the police.
My badge is useless.
Look at that place.
I mean, can't you make something up
just to get in there and see?
Just to see if she's in there.
Hi there.
I'm sorry, I can't help you.
All of our beds are full tonight.
That's all right, sir. I'm actually...
I'm from the Health Department.
Just need a moment.
How may I help you?
Well, the neighbors were complaining.
Uh, seems they're getting
some vermin from here.
We just wanted to let you know
before a formal complaint was made.
- The neighbors, huh?
- Yeah.
That's interesting.
Hm.
Like I said, it's nothing serious as of yet.
Sir, will you pardon me for a moment?
- Yeah.
- You can go ahead...
...and wait in the gaming room.
It's a metal scope Victrola.
Oh.
It's very old.
And priceless.
What's it do?
What does it do?
Well, it plays a song.
And at the end, you get a surprise.
Well, go on. Try it.
Oh, no, no. That's okay.
Try it.
Okay.
Where did you find this thing?
Well, I come from a long line...
...of entertainers and performers.
You know, lovers of the laugh.
Hey, this is Dan. Leave me a message.
Dan, why aren't you answering?
It's me again.
Please call me back.
I'm panicking here, okay?
Where are you?
Excuse me.
Can you help me?
Please...
Um...
I... I... I need to find someone.
He came in here a while ago.
Please, uh...
Oh, um...
Um, I need to find someone in here.
I'm sorry.
I need read lips.
Okay, good. Good.
Um...
I need...
...to find someone.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Um, a man. My friend...
...uh, came here hours ago.
Did you see anyone?
No one come in here.
Okay. Um...
Another friend...
...a girl, came here last night.
Did you see a girl?
I mean, where is everyone?
Um, okay, there's a man, an angry man.
He don't let us leave.
Um...
No. No, no.
You hide. You hide.
- What?
- Hide in here.
- Where do I...? Hide?
- He come very soon.
- You mean hide?
- Hide. He come very soon.
He come very soon.
Lisa.
Please help me.
Please, my friend. My friend.
She's alive in here.
No. No.
No!
- Cat!
Oh, God, Cat.
- No, no...
Cat, it'll be okay!
- He's not...
Please, help me get her out. Please.
- He's not...
He's not... He's...
He's...
He's...
So you did know Lisa Swan.
But you don't know Rob Ellerbe?
Maybe you know his girlfriend...
...Shelby Leds.
Shelby?
What's Shelby got to do with this?
You tell me.
Shelby and Lisa and I,
we were inseparable.
But I haven't seen them in years.
Not since we were kids in Briar Hills.
Briar Hills.
That's a subdivision of Columbus,
isn't it?
How did you know?
Um...
Miss, you need to stay here.
How did you know about Briar Hills?
I had a patient.
A boy.
Years ago.
One of my first asylum cases.
He was from Briar Hills.
I've never met anyone who...
He had the most distinctive laugh.
Where...? Where are you going?
I just need to find a phone that works.
Don't worry, I'll be back for you
and your friends.
They're here?
Shelby and Lisa?
Yeah.
The three of you were found
in separate cells in this building.
A call went out for a trauma couns...
Oh, God!
No, no, don't leave me here.
Don't leave me here!
Shelby?
Lisa?
Thank God.
Here!
I'm over here.
No!
No!
Na, ha.
No!
Shelby?
What's he done to you?
Lisa?
Let me out of here!
Let me out!
No, not...
No. Don't touch me.
Get away from her.
It's funny, right?
No! No!
Mm.
Mm.
It's okay. We're gonna get you out.
It's okay. Hurry!
Close your eyes.
Please get me...
Please get me out. Please.
- It's okay.
- It's okay. It's okay.
Hurry, please.
- We got you. Just stay still.
Stay still, we'll be here, okay?
Now, get them off.
You got it. You got it. Okay, you're free.
Okay, we have to go!
Come on!
Go! Come on!
Climb! Fast!
Go!
Tabitha! Go!
He's coming!
Tabitha, help me!
Oh, no! No!
No!
No!
Let me out!
Let me out of here!
Let me out!
Please let me out!
Now, that was funny.
For Shelby, Lisa and I,
he was a joke that crossed the line.
We made fun of him.
And after he was sent away...
... we forgot him.
But he never forgot us.
Even though I was the one to survive...
... my life will never be the same.
I can't bring Lisa or Shelby back...
... and I can't get his laughter
out of my head.