Voila! Finally, the Anchorman
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Will
Ferrell, Steve Carell, Paul Rudd, Christina Applegate, yadda yadda.. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Anchor Man. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
There was a time,
a time before cable,when the local anchorman
reigned supreme,when people believed
everything they heard on TV.This was an age when only men
were allowed to read the news.And in San Diego, one anchorman
was more man than the rest.His name was Ron Burgundy.He was like a god
walking amongst mere mortals.He had a voice that could
make a wolverine purr,and suits so finethey made Sinatra
look like a hobo.In other words,
Ron Burgundy was the balls.
Mmm. I look good.
I mean, really good.
Hey, everyone!
Come and see how good I look!
Mm, ehh, mm.
Ribs. I had ribs for lunch.
That's why I'm doing this.
How now brown cow.
How now brown cow.
How now brown cow.
How are you?
You look awfully nice tonight. Hmm?
Maybe don't wear
a bra next time.
No, I was talking to you.
No, not her.
I don't know her name.
What is it?
Lanolin?
La-lanolin?
Like sheep's wool?
Unique New York.
Unique New York.
Mm, I love Scotch.
I love Scotch.
Scotchy, Scotch, Scotch.
Here it goes down.
Down into my belly.
Mm-mm-mm.
The arsonist
has oddly shaped feet.
How much time?
? seconds?
- You are on.
- I'm on right now?
I don't believe you.
Ron!
Oh, come on. Audrey.
I look like hell.
I got bags under my eyes.
What's that?
If you were a man,
I'd punch you right
in the mouth.
That's bush.
Bush league.
The human torch was denied
a bank loan.
You hear me?
Audrey, look at me!
I'm sorry.
All right?
I'm sorry.
Ha ha!
Ha ha ha ho!
Ha ha ho.
Ha oh!
All right, we're on.
Ready, Phil.
We're on in five, four...
When the clock struck :it meant one thing
for Ron Burgundyand his news team:
Go time.
Channel News,
Channel News,
with five-time
Emmy award-winning anchor
Ron Burgundy.
Champ Kind, sports.
Ooh! Hoo-hoo!
Brick Tamland, weather.
And your reporter in the field,
Brian Fantana.
It's Channel News
at :.
Good evening.
I'm Ron Burgundy,
and this is what's happening
in your world tonight.
A La Jolla man clings to life
at a university hospital
after being viciously attacked
by a pack of wild dogs
in an abandoned pool.
Hey, everybody! Shut the hell up!
Ron Burgundy's on!
Authorities are still
uncertain as to why the man
- was loitering...
- Ron Burgundy.
Oh, my gosh!
She said her first words!
Right now it's *
in our fair city,
and compare that to *
in the upper Northwest
and *
in the Middle East.
Off the coast
of Tampa Bay yesterday,
one lucky cameraman
happened to catch
an unusual
aquatic daredevil.
What you're about to see
is a Channel News exclusive.
His name is
Nutty the Squirrel,
and he's three years old.
How 'bout that?
That squirrel
can water-ski.
- Man, that's hilarious.
- Yeah, that's good.
For all of us here
at News Center
I'm Ron Burgundy.
You stay classy,
San Diego.
You stay classy, San Diego.
Listen up.
The ratings just came in for last month.
We are number one.
We just grabbed every key demographic.
- Super-duper, gang!
- Yeah! Yeah!
Super-duper!
That's nice!
Way to go!
Neat-o, gang.
- Yes!
- Boy, Ed.
That is good news.
I gotta be honest.
- Congrats, congrats.
- That is good news!
- All right!
- Stick around.
Make sure these guys
don't party too much.
- They don't really ever listen to me.
- Just get it done.
Ladies and gentlemen,
can I please have your attention?
Ladies and gentlemen,
can I please have your attention?
I've just been handed
an urgent
and horrifying news story.
I need all of you
to stop what you're doing
and listen.
Cannonball!
Yes, these fellas were a real news team.Burgundy, of course,
was the foundation, the rock.But each member brought their own
special something to the equation.
People call me
the Bri-man.
I'm the stylish one
of the group.
I know what
you're asking yourself,
and the answer is yes,
I have a nickname for my penis.
It's called the Octagon.
But I also nicknamed
my testes.
My left one
is James Westfall,
and my right one is
Dr. Kenneth Noisewater.
You ladies play your cards right,
you might get to meet the whole gang.
Bang, boom, they were
showing lasers
every Friday night.
Champ here.
I'm all about havin' fun.
You know, get a couple
of cocktails in me,
start a fire
in someone's kitchen.
Maybe go to SeaWorld,
take my pants off.
Anyway, I've become
kind of famous
for my signature catchphrase,
"Whammy!"
As in, "Gene Tenace
at the plate...
and whammy!"
Whammy!
I'm Brick Tamland.
People seem to like me
because I am polite
and I'm rarely late.
I like to eat ice cream,
and I really enjoy
a nice pair of slacks.
Years later,
a doctor will tell me
that I have an IQ of
and am what some people call
"mentally retarded."
Hello!
- Whoo! Marco!
- Polo!
- Brian.
- You having a good time?
- I'm having a great time.
- That makes two of us.
You've gotta meet this girl.
She used to be a Charger cheerleader,
but she broke her pelvis.
Sherri,
meet Ron Burgundy.
- Hey, Ron.
- Hello.
- I've got a big story for you.
- Mm-hmm.
And it's right here.
Well, hello.
You pointed to your boobies.
Oh, my God, you did!
- Ron Burgundy?
- Yes?
I have had a crush on you
since I was a little girl.
Let's go somewhere.
I'm telling you, it don't
get no better than this.
We've been coming
to the same party for years,
and in no way
is that depressing.
Ahh.
By the beard of Zeus!
Excuse me.
Ron, where you going?
What, are you crazy? Ron!
If you're coming down the baseline,
you gotta take home plate from me!
So there I go,
head first, boom!
I've lost her.
Ohh.
Hello.
Hello.
Hope I'm not disturbing
you, but, uh,
I saw you from across
the party, and, uh,
I don't usually do this, but I felt
compelled to tell you something.
You have...
an absolutely
breathtaking...
heinie.
I mean, that thing is good.
I want to be friends with it.
Well, you certainly know
how to compliment a woman.
Now, if you'll excuse me.
Do you know who I am?
No, I can't say that I do.
I don't know how to put this,
but I'm kind of a big deal.
Really?
People know me.
I've very happy for you.
I'm very important.
I have...
many leather-bound books,
and my apartment
smells of rich mahogany.
I... I'm friends
with Merlin Olsen, too.
He comes over on occasion.
That's stupid.
No, no, that's...
very exciting.
Listen, can I...
can I start over again?
Sure.
I wanna say something.
I'm gonna put it out there.
If you like it,
you can take it.
If you don't,
send it right back.
Mm-hmm.
I wanna be on you.
Wait. Wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
I...
I wanna be on you.
Yoo-hoo!
Baxter!
Papa's home.
There he is.
There's my little man.
You're okay?
Of course I met
a lady tonight.
This one was different.
I have to be honest.
Quite different.
What...
I'm lonely?
I'm not lonely!
I'm beloved by everyone
in San Diego.
Wow.
You know how to cut
to the core of me, Baxter.
You're so wise.
You're like
a miniature Buddha
covered in hair.
Come again?
You know I don't speak Spanish.
In English, please.
Huh?
You pooped in the refrigerator?
And you ate a whole wheel of cheese?
How'd you do that?
I'm not even mad.
That's amazing.
I forgive you.
What do you say we get you
in your pj's and hit the hay?
Bedtime. Okay, come on.
Let's go. Come on.
Oh, that was one
crazy party.
I am hung over.
Tell me about it.
I woke up this morning
and I shit a squirrel.
I mean it.
Literally.
Hell of it is,
damn thing's still alive.
So I got this
shit-covered squirrel
down there in the office.
Don't know what to name it.
I'm sorry, Champ.
I think I ate
your chocolate squirrel.
All right, guys.
Let's focus up.
Morning, everyone.
Here are the stories
we're going to be chasing today.
It looks like Ling Wong,
the rare panda
at the San Diego Zoo, is pregnant.
This is a big one.
This could be the big
story of the summer.
Network is gonna be wanting
plenty of coverage.
And speaking of network,
word on the street is
they're looking
for a new anchor.
- So, Ron...
- Huh? Network?
Are they here?
A lot of you have been hearing
the affiliates complaining
about a lack of diversity
on the news team.
What in the hell's diversity?
Well, I could be wrong,
but I believe diversity
is an old, old wooden ship
that was used
during the Civil War era.
I would be surprised
if the affiliates were concerned
about the lack
of an old wooden ship,
but nice try.
Diversity means
that times are changing,
and with that in mind...
- Ron, are you paying attention?
- Nope.
- This concerns all of us.
- Okay.
Keeping that in mind, I'd like
to introduce the latest addition
to the KVWN News Team,
directly from WYPN
in Asheville, North Carolina,
Ms. Veronica Corningstone.
Hello.
Hello, everyone.
- Oh!
- I just want you all to know
that I look forward
to contributing
to this news station's
already sterling reputation.
I mean, come on, Ed!
It's bullcrap!
Don't get me wrong.
I love the ladies.
They rev my engine,
but they don't belong in the newsroom!
It is anchorman,
not anchorlady!
- And that is a scientific fact!
- Uh-huh.
I don't know
what we're yelling about!
Ron, what do you think?
She... sh...
it's terrible!
She has beautiful eyes,
and her hair smells like cinnamon!
Mm-hmm.
Loud noises!
All right, everyone relax.
She's not gonna take anyone's airtime.
I read somewhere that
their periods attract bears.
Bears can smell
the menstruation.
Well, that's just great.
You hear that, Ed?
Bears. Now you're putting
the whole station in jeopardy.
I will say
one thing for her, Ed,
she does have a nice,
big old behind.
I'd like to put some
barbecue sauce on that butt
and just bite, bite, bite, bite,
munch, munch, munch!
- Ah-whoo!
- Stop it! Oh, Jeez.
Look at the full-moon butt!
Champ! Champ!
Champ, Champ!
Mr. Harken, I was just wondering
if you knew when my office
would be ready.
Well, that might
take some time.
For now, why don't you just
grab a desk in the bullpen?
You can use my office! Then afterwards
maybe we can go to lunch!
Lower your voice, Ron.
Mm-hmm!
All right.
Thank you, Mr. Harken.
I'll go get
my desk set up.
Oh, she is a saucy mama!
I mean, I would...
Here we go again.
Every station
it's the same.
Women ask me
how I put up with it.
Well, the truth is,
I don't really have a choice.
This is definitely
a man's world.
But while they're laughing
and grab-assing,
I'm chasing down leads
and practicing
my nonregional diction.
Because the only way to win
is to be the best.
The very best.
Touchy situation.
I think the best thing
to do with this Corningstone,
to keep her in line,
is bed her quick.
Oh, that behind
is driving me loco!
I'm like a night wolf.
Guys, take it easy.
Just take it easy!
- She's got feelings, too.
- Oh, my God!
Listen to Burgundy.
He's gone soft on us,
like some schoolboy bitch.
You sound like a gay.
Hey! Come on!
It's me, Papa Burgundy,
all right?
As far as I'm concerned,
Corningstone's fair game.
Huh?
Let the games begin!
Hi-ohhh!
There he is.
There he is.
I'm very aroused.
What's this?
Well, well, well.
Ron Burgundy and the Channel
News Team.
Hello, Wes Mantooth.
Hello,
Evening News Team.
Nice clothes, gentlemen.
I didn't know the Salvation Army
was having a sale.
Am I right?
Look at these guys.
Hey, where did you
get those clothes?
At the toilet store?
What are you doing
on our station's turf, Burgundy?
You're about to get
a serious beat-down.
I will smash your face
into a car windshield
and then take your mother,
Dorothy Mantooth,
out for a nice seafood dinner
and never call her again!
Dorothy Mantooth is a saint!
You understand me?
- Dorothy Mantooth is a saint!
- Hey.
Leave the mothers
out of this, all right?
It's unnecessary.
Besides, I'm sure Wes here
is just upset over finishing
second in the ratings again.
Ooh!
That's completely
uncalled for, Burgundy.
You know those
rating systems are flawed.
They don't take into account
houses that have
more than two television sets
and other things of that nature.
I guess I have to take you
at your word,
Number Two.
You have
a great day, fellas.
We'll see you around the bend.
Son of a bitch!
Excusez-moi, Numero Two.
Hey, Burgundy.
You know those sample audiences
aren't big enough!
Stop hiding behind those phony numbers,
Burgundy! I'm coming after you!
I hate you, Ron Burgundy.
I hate you!
You can't say one word?
Even the guy who can't
think says something!
You guys just stand
there? Come on!
Right, but I think my son
is just going through a phase.
I have no idea where
he would have gotten ahold
of German pornography.
But you and I
are mature adults.
We've both seen our share
of pornographic materials.
Oh, you never have?
Of course you haven't,
how stupid of me. Neither have I.
I was just speaking
in generalities.
I'll stop by the school
a little later, Sister Margaret. Bye.
Ed, she insisted
on coming in.
Mr. Harken, sir,
I will not have my first story
at this news station
be about a cat fashion show.
Miss Corningstone, ma'am,
you will do the stories
to which you are assigned.
Mr. Harken, I am
a damn good journalist,
and this cat show thing
is grade-A baloney.
It is not baloney.
Now, go do your job, missy!
It is baloney!
Hey, Ron,
I'm gonna take a run
at the new girl.
Let the games begin.
Oh, Champ, Champ,
we're not really gonna actually do that.
- We were just flapping our gums.
- Oh, yeah.
You kill me, Burgundy.
Let me just grab this.
Oh, sorry about that.
- Whammy.
- Hmm.
- Uh, Champ?
- Yeah.
You're trying to touch
my breasts, aren't you?
What can I say?
I like the way you're put together.
What do you say
we go out on a date?
Have some chicken,
maybe some sex.
You know,
see what happens?
Oh, let me get this
over here.
Sorry.
Oh, there it is.
I'll give this
little cookie an hour
before we're doing
the no-pants dance.
Time to musk up.
Wow.
It never ceases to amaze me.
What cologne
you gonna go with?
London Gentleman, or...
wait. No, no, no.
Hold on.
Blackbeard's Delight.
No, she gets
a special cologne.
It's called Sex Panther
by Odeon.
It's illegal in nine countries.
Yep, it's made with bits
of real panther.
- So you know it's good.
- It's quite pungent.
Oh yeah.
It's a formidable scent.
It stings the nostrils.
- In a good way.
- Yep.
I'll be honest with you.
That smells like pure gasoline.
They've done studies,
you know.
That doesn't make sense.
Well...
let's go see if we can
make this little kitty purr.
Hey, sweet cheeks. Got an invite
I'd like to extend your way.
My God.
What is that smell?
Oh!
That's the smell
of desire, milady.
God, no, it smells like...
like a used diaper
filled with Indian food.
Oh!
Excuse me.
Desire smells like that
to some people.
What is that? Smells like a turd
covered in burnt hair!
It smells like
Bigfoot's dick!
Oh.
Oh, hell, that's rank!
Oh, what's that smell?
This is worse than the time
the raccoon got in the copier.
Yeah.
It's very distracting.
- When we get to the pet shop...
- Cough!
Look over here.
Excuse me, Veronica.
Yes, what is it, Brick?
I would like
to extend to you
an invitation
to the pants party.
Excuse me?
The party.
The pants...
With the pants.
Party with pants?
Brick, are you saying
that there's a party in
your pants and I'm invited?
That's it.
Hmm. Did Brian tell you
to say this, Brick?
No...
yes, he did.
Okay. No, I don't want to go
to a party in your pants.
Very well.
Ian?
Would you like to go
to a party in my pants?
No, Brick.
All right. Let's go!
All right, now...
I'm telling you,
she is a real ball-buster.
A real ice queen.
Mm. I just
burned my tongue.
The only way
to bag a classy lady
is to give her two tickets
to the gun show...
and see if she likes
the goods.
.
.
- Uh, Mr. Burgundy?
- .
Helen said that you
needed to see me?
Oh, Miss Corningstone.
I wasn't expecting company.
Just doing my workout.
Tuesday's arms and back.
- You asked me to come by, sir.
- Oh, did I?
Yes.
Oh, it's the deep burn!
Oh, it's so deep.
I can barely lift my right
arm 'cause I did so many.
I don't know if you heard me counting.
I did over .
You have your ubulus muscle
that connects
to the upper dorsinus.
It's boring,
but it's part of my life.
I'm just gonna grab this shirt,
if you don't mind.
Just watch out for the guns.
They'll get you.
You are pathetic.
This has to be
the feeblest
pickup attempt
that I have ever encountered.
I expected it from the rest of them,
Mr. Burgundy, but not from you.
Wait a minute!
I... pickup attempt?
I'm offended.
I have little time
to get to the gym,
so I have to sculpt
my guns at the office.
Oh, stop calling
your arms "guns."
Look.
My plan was to ask you
if I could squire you
about town
as one professional
helping another professional,
because I know what it's like
to be lonely in a new city.
- Really?
- Yes.
But now I am too hurt.
And shocked and offended
and... and hurt.
I could do that.
Really?
Well, yes.
As a journalist,
I should get to know
the city
that I'm covering.
- But this is not a date.
- No, of course not.
- Strictly professional.
- Wonderful.
- Hmm.
- Great.
Shall I pick you up
:?
Mm, :.
Downstairs?
Mr. Burgundy, you have
a massive erection.
Really?
Yes, I do.
Um...
I'm sorry, it's the...
- it's the pleats.
- Mm.
It's actually
an optical illusion.
It's the pattern
on the pants.
It's not flattering
in the crotchal region.
I'm actually
taking them back right now.
Taking them back
to the pants store.
Oh, this is awkward.
I'm gonna walk...
I'm gonna walk
this situation off
and I will see you later.
Nothing to look at.
Go back to work, everyone.
Don't act like
you're not impressed.
Don't look at me right now.
I'm walking around the office.
My new walk.
I have a situation right now
I'm trying to walk off.
Frame up two.
- Let's go to Brian Fantana live...
- Gimme a tighter one on two.
...with a Channel
News exclusive.
Brian?
Panda watch.
The mood is tense.
I have been on some
serious, serious reports,
but nothing like this.
I... I... Ching...
King is inside now.
I tried to get an interview,
but they said, "You can't.
He's a live bear. He will
literally rip your face off."
Hey! You're making me
look stupid!
Get out here!
Panda jerk!
Great story.
Compelling and rich.
That's gonna do it for all
of us at Channel News.
You stay classy,
San Diego.
I'm Ron Burgundy?
Damn it! Who typed a question mark
on the Teleprompter?
For the last time, anything
you put on that prompter,
Burgundy will read.
Oh, God,
this is a mistake.
This is a mistake.
He's very cute. Very cute.
No, he's not. He's hairy.
There she is!
Veronica!
My little China doll.
I am full of it tonight.
Oh, silly. Hi.
You look ravishing.
It truly is beauty
and the beast.
I might add
a handsome beast at that.
Are you ready
for our rendezvous?
It's not a date.
No, strictly professional.
Doesn't mean
we can't have fun.
- Shall we?
- Yes.
San Diego.
Mm! Drink it in.
It always
goes down smooth.
What a beautiful view,
Mr. Burgundy.
I know. I love this city.
It's a...
it's a fact.
It's the greatest city
in the history of mankind.
Discovered by the Germans
in .
They named it San Diago,
which of course in German
means a whale's vagina.
N... no, there's
no way that's correct.
I'm sorry.
I was trying to impress you.
Oh.
I don't know what it means.
I'll be honest. I don't think anyone
knows what it means anymore.
Scholars maintain that
the translation was lost
hundreds of years ago.
Doesn't it mean
Saint Diego?
No. No.
No, that's...
that's what it means.
Really.
Well, agree to disagree.
May I take your order?
Yes, I am going to have
three fingers of Glenlivet
with a little bit of pepper,
and, uh, some cheese.
Very good.
A Manhattan,
and kick the vermouth
in the side with a pair
of steel-toed boots.
- Certainly.
- Thank you, Scott.
Thank you.
Wow.
Quite a drink order.
Oh, well, when in Rome.
Yes?
Please, go on.
Uh, do as the Romans do?
It's an old expression.
Oh! I've never heard of it.
- Oh.
- It's wonderful, though.
Mr. Burgundy.
- Tino! How are you?
- So good to see you.
You're looking fantastic.
Tino, Veronica.
Veronica.
What a pretty girlfriend.
- Drinks are on Tino tonight.
- No, no, no.
We're work associates.
I work at the station.
- I'm a journalist.
- Oh, okay. This is a good guy.
Tino's the finest
club owner in the city.
- My best friend, right?
- Yes.
Yes, we have a saying
in my country about people like him.
"The coyote of the desert
always likes to eat
the heart of the young,
where the blood drips down to children
for breakfast, lunch and dinner,
- only the ribs will be broken in two."
- Tino.
Okay. Well, Mr. Burgundy,
we will be honored
if you will play
"yazz" flute for us.
- I can't.
- Please.
You play jazz flute?
- I dabble.
- Oh.
Would everyone love to hear
Ron Burgundy play "yazz" flute?
- Get it goin', Ronnie!
- Yes! Please.
You, on stage now.
Okay, I guess I can play
a little ditty.
- Honestly, I'm...
- Come on.
- Give him a hand.
- I'm not prepared. Not at all.
- Yeah!
- This is a surprise, I'll tell you.
Guys, "East Harlem
Shakedown," E flat?
Keep the cymbals splashy,
and, Jay, let's take
the bass line for a walk.
Hold on.
I'm not hearing it right.
Hold on.
We got it now.
It's all right.
Fire up, Ronnie!
Little "Ham and Eggs" comin' at you.
Hope you got your griddles.
That's baby-makin' music,
that's what that is.
- Let's go!
Hey, Aqualung!
Thank you.
Thank you!
You were amazing.
Mm. Thank you.
Where did you learn
to play like that?
Well, jazz flute
has always been a small
passion of mine.
So what other passions
do you have, Mr. Burgundy?
Well, I have one
great passion that...
that lives deep
within my loins, like a...
like a flaming golden hawk:
To one day
become a network anchor.
Well, believe it or not,
we share the same dream.
I too want to be
an network anchor.
God, you are so beautiful.
We really
should be going.
I swore that I would never
get involved with a coworker.
Wait.
What if, just for tonight,
we weren't coworkers?
We were co-people?
- I don't...
- Shh.
You be a woman.
I'll be a man.
That's all.
Oh.
You continue to surprise
me, Mr. Burgundy.
Oh, I'm storming your castle
on my steed, milady.
Oh, mi corazón
es en fuego!
Julio, fuego,
fuego, fuego!
Wait, stop.
Stop talking like that.
- I can't understand you.
- Sorry.
Take me to Pleasure Town!
- Oh, we're going there!
- Oh!
I friggin' love you!
I friggin' love you back!
Look! The most glorious
rainbow ever!
Oh, do me on it!
Whee!
Mmm.
Well done, sir.
Tip of the cap to you as well,
Miss Corningstone.
I'm having very strong feelings
for you, Mr. Burgundy.
Mm.
But it's very important to me
that I be viewed as a professional.
- Right.
- Hmm.
When in Rome.
Yeah.
That, uh, expression
doesn't really apply
to what I'm talking about.
- Oh, I'm...
- What I was saying.
I still don't quite
understand what it means.
Oh, no.
You'll find it.
No, I was saying that,
if we continue
seeing each other,
that we should keep it
relatively quiet around the station.
Absolutely,
my wild love tigress.
Tasteful discretion
is the name of the game.
Mm-hmm.
Veronica Corningstone
and I had sex,
and now we are in love!
Did I say that loud?
Yeah, you pretty much
yelled it.
Well, I can't help it.
It's fantastic!
- What's it like, Ron?
- The intimate times?
Outta sight, my man!
No. The other thing.
Love.
Yeah.
What is that?
Well, it's tough to explain.
- I think I was in love once.
- Really, what was her name?
I don't remember.
That's not a good start,
but keep going.
She was Brazilian.
Or Chinese,
or something weird.
I met her in the bathroom
of a K-mart,
and we made out for hours.
Then we parted ways,
never to see each other again.
I'm pretty sure
that's not love.
Damn it!
I love...
carpet.
I love desk.
Are you just looking at things
in the office and saying you love them?
I love lamp.
Do you really love the lamp,
or are you saying it because you saw it?
I love lamp!
I love lamp.
You really want to know
what love is?
- Yeah.
- Yes, tell us.
More than anything
in the world.
Well, it's really
quite simple.
It's kind of like...
- Whoop!
- You guys have it, I think.
I don't know, Ron.
That sounds kinda crazy.
Sounds like you have
mental problems, man.
- Yeah, you got mental problems, man.
- Yeah, he really does.
Man.
- Wanna make a phone call.
- Freshen this up.
Oh, look out.
Next up, it's Whiskerus Maximus.
He's ready to do battle
in the arena
against the tiniest lion
you've ever imagined.
I'm getting some great stuff,
Miss Corningstone.
Shut up.
Oh, I hate cats.
Let's just do my sign-off
and get outta here.
It was quite a show
down here at the Pet Shack.
Just for today, fashion curiosity
did not kill the cat.
I'm Veronica Corningstone
for Channel News.
That was our newest reporter,
Veronica Corningstone.
She's really great.
I'd also like to share with you
that we are currently dating
and that she is quite
a handful in the bedroom.
Uh...
That's gonna do it
for all of us here at :.
For the Channel News Team,
I'm Ron Burgundy.
You stay classy,
San Diego.
All clear.
Uh-oh.
I might be in trouble
on that one.
I can't believe that you said
that we were dating on the air.
Mmm! Mmm.
That is good fondue.
Don't you get it, Ron?
I wanna be an anchor.
That is never gonna happen
if everyone in San Diego
thinks that I'm
your bimbo gal pal.
I don't know what to say.
I just...
I got excited.
I just wanted to shout it
from on top of a mountain.
But I didn't have a mountain.
I had a newsroom and a camera.
Look.
I report the news.
That's what I do.
And today's top story,
in Ron Burgundy's world,
read something like this:
I love Veronica Corningstone.
Oh, Ron.
This is nice, gang, sittin' here.
- Oh, yeah.
- Brown baggin' it.
The team pancake breakfast is tomorrow
morning at : instead of :.
Oh! Almost forgot.
I won't be able
to make it, fellas.
Veronica and I are trying
this new fad called,
uh, jogging.
I believe it's jogging or yogging.
It might be a soft "J."
I'm not sure,
but apparently you just run
for an extended period
of time.
- It's supposed to be wild.
- So Ron's not coming?
No, Ron's coming.
It's the pancake breakfast.
We do it every month.
I realize that.
Sometimes you gotta look yourself
in the mirror and say, "When in Rome."
The bottom line is,
you've been spending
a lot of time with this lady.
You're a member of
the Channel News Team.
- That's a given.
- We need you.
Hell, I need you.
I'm a mess without ya.
I miss you
so damn much.
I miss being with you.
I miss being near you.
I miss your laugh.
I miss...
I miss your scent.
I miss your musk.
When this all gets sorted out,
I think you and me should
get an apartment together.
Just take it easy, Champ.
Why don't you stop talking
for a while?
Maybe sit the next
couple of plays out.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, I'm gonna quit
sayin' things
when they crop up
in the ol' skull, huh?
See what it's like
when you're not here?
You're our leader.
Look what you're doing to the group.
Champ's been a mess.
Brick can't sleep at night.
Here's the thing,
I don't trust this chick.
We need you around,
and she is just using you.
Everyone, just relax.
All right?
Believe me, if there's one thing
Ron Burgundy knows, it's women.
Okay, and Veronica Corningstone,
she's just...
she's just dying
to quit her job
so that she can take care
of me and have babies.
Hey, gang.
Papa's home.
Oh, honey.
I am so glad you're home.
My alabaster doll.
Gentlemen.
You look great.
No eye contact!
Oh, darling.
I've spent all day
cleaning your Emmys
and preparing dinner
in the nude.
Oh, let's make whoopie.
And then I'm going to go drinking
with the news team for two days.
Wonderful.
Wonderful!
Ow!
Bite it!
Bite it!
- Oh, yes!
- Oh, yeah!
You are a bad boy.
I'm bad. I need to go
to the principal's office.
I love my life.
I don't know, Ron.
Guess what.
I do.
I know that one day, Veronica
and I are gonna get married
on top of a mountain.
And there's going
to be flutes playing
and trombones and flowers
and garlands of fresh herbs.
And we will dance
till the sun rises.
And then our children
will form a family band.
And we will tour
the countryside,
and you won't be invited!
I'm telling you, this lady has really
crawled into Ron's head.
Good.
Good one!
Oh, okay.
I understand.
You have a nice day,
sir. Bye.
Um, I could come back
later, Mr. Harken.
No, no, no.
It's just parent stuff.
It seems that our youngest,
Chris, was
on something called acid
and was firing
a bow and arrow into a crowd.
- Mm.
- You know how kids are.
Oh. Right.
Anyhoo, what can
I do you for?
Well, Mr. Harken,
I feel like I have proven
myself as a journalist
and that I deserve
the opportunity
to take on more
challenging stories.
Well, ask
and you shall receive.
Ah, yes, this just
came across my desk.
Here is a story
of a -year-old woman
who claims to have a recipe
for the world's greatest meat loaf.
Ooh, now that's
a hot lead.
It was very hard for Veronica.But she was a pro
and hung tough.But soon, with a simple act
of littering,everyone's life
would change forever.
This burrito is delicious,
but it is filling.
Whoa!
Antony and Cleopatra!
Goddamn son of...
What the hell, bro'?
Hello, neighbor.
Did you just throw a burrito
out your window?
I believe I did.
Are you high or something?
Did you see what happened?
I did. That was a terrific spill.
That's quite a raspberry.
That's my chopper
you just thrashed, Broseph.
Easy, compadre. I'm your
friend out here, all right?
I want you to fix my chopper
before I stomp your goofy ass!
If you want
to throw down, fine.
I've got Jack Johnson
and Tom O'Leary waiting for you.
You destroyed
the only thing I love.
All right? There it is.
What do you love?
I love poetry.
And a glass of Scotch.
And, of course,
my friend Baxter here.
Well, guess what.
Now this is happenin'.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
What are you doing?
That's how I roll.
Baxter!
No...!
- Where the hell is he?
- He'll be here.
- I thought he was Mr. Dependable.
- It's not like Ron.
I'd put Brick on, but unless he's
tracking a storm front, he's useless.
- Excuse me, gentlemen.
- Oh. Hello.
Just want you to know if Ron does not
show up, I am ready to go on.
You and I have had this discussion
a million times.
There's never been
a woman anchor.
Mr. Harken,
- this city needs its news.
- Oh.
You're gonna deprive them
of that because I have breasts?
Exquisite breasts?
I am gonna go on,
and if you want to stop me, bring it on.
Because I am good
at three things:
Fighting, screwing
and reading the news.
I've already done one of those today,
so what's the other one gonna be?
Uh...
Screwing?
I will be in makeup.
Jesus, she's terrifying!
Fantana.
Ron, are you okay?
The man punted Baxter!
Calm down.
Breathe, Ron,
breathe.
The man that loved
the motorcycle!
What did the bad man do?
The motorcycle on the bridge!
I hit him with a burrito!
- Ron!
- He took him!
He took him with his foot
and he kicked him!
That's what he did!
Someone punted him?
No, wait. Wait.
Let me say something.
Let me say something.
What?
I... I don't... I didn't
understand one word you said.
Ron, are you okay?
Ron?
Ron.
Where are you?
I'm in a glass case
of emotion!
He's gonna put
Corningstone on.
He's gonna
put Corningstone on!
I've got to do the news!
You're not Ron.
We're on in .
Good luck, lady.
Ready the announce.
- Power.
- Roll in.
Power.
Power.
One slip,
and you're gone.
Whammy.
And your reporter in the field,Brian Fantana.
It's Channel News
at :.
Good evening.
Ron Burgundy is off tonight.
I'm Veronica Corningstone.
Tonight's top story:
- Okay, we're off and running.
- Three armed men
wearing ski masks made off with over
$ from an area bank
in a daring
early morning robbery.
Hey!
And the winner of the frog-leaping
contest was Hoppy,
with a jump
of seven feet, inches.
Hmm.
I used to date a guy named Hoppy down
in Alabama. He was quite a jumper, too.
That will do it
for us at :.
From all of us here
at Channel News,
I'm Veronica Corningstone,
and thanks
for stopping by, San Diego.
All clear!
Yes! Yes!
Lady! Lady!
Not bad, Miss Corningstone.
Not bad at all.
Thank you, Mr. Harken.
That felt good.
- That felt really good.
- I liked your sign-off line, too.
You did? It just came through me.
It was so organic.
Thank you.
Oh, Ron! Ron!
Ron, darling!
I'm so glad you're
all right. Oh, God.
I have something
magnificent to tell you.
I'm here.
We can do the news now.
It's all right, everyone!
We can do the news.
Hold on. Why are we all standing around?
Let's go!
Ron, we did it.
Veronica filled in for you.
What?
Sweetheart, we were
so worried about you,
and we waited as long
as we could, but...
Darling, I did the news,
and I nailed it. I nailed it.
Wait, wait! Veronica, please,
tell me this is some kind
of sick, tasteless joke.
You weren't here.
Why are you being this way?
Why can't you
be proud of me
as a peer and as
my gentleman lover?
Oh, Jeez.
I can't believe
you did this to me!
You read my news!
I told you that I wanted
to be an anchor.
I told you that.
I thought you were kidding!
I thought it was a joke!
I even wrote it down
in my diary!
"Veronica had
a very funny joke today."
I laughed at it
later that night!
I can't believe
that I cared for you.
Get out! Just go!
We are through!
Through!
Because of your actions,
you scorpion woman!
You have broken my heart,
Mr. Burgundy.
You have broken my heart.
From there on out,things just got worse
for Ron Burgundy.Corningstone was a star,and everything started
to move awfully fast
- after her big break.
- Where's Ian? Ian!
All right, I got a call from network.
It looks like
our broadcast last night
received a two-point
ratings boost,
and the decision
has been passed down
to make Veronica
our co-anchor.
- What?
- No. No!
No!
- No!
- No!
- No!
- This is wonderful.
Ed, come here,
you big silly man. You big silly man.
- We did it.
- What is this, amateur hour?
- That's great.
- Thank you.
Damn it!
What Brian didn't tell you
was that those
were not real pirates.
- They looked convincing, though.
- Oh, yes.
Well, for all of us here
at Channel News,
I'm Ron Burgundy.
You stay classy,
San Diego.
And thanks
for stopping by.
But mainly stay classy.
- Thanks for stopping by.
- Stay classy, I'm Ron Burgundy.
- Thanks for stopping by.
- Stay classy.
Ron Burgundy.
You are a real hooker,
and I'm gonna slap you in public.
You have way
too much pubic hair.
Actually, that's a point of pride.
I'm very proud of my mane
of pubic hair, so thank you.
You have man boobs.
You've got a dirty,
whorish mouth.
I'm gonna punch you
in the ovary.
- A straight shot.
- Ooh, ow.
Right to the baby-maker.
Ah, jazz flute
is for little fairy boys.
Okay, you know what?
That's uncalled for.
I can't work with this woman.
It's terrible.
It's ringing.
Veronica Corningstone.
Hello, Veronica,
this is Mike Rithjin
from the network.
You've just been promoted.
You're gonna need to move
to Moscow.
Start cleaning up your desk.
See you in the morning.
We'll pick you up in a van.
What did you say
your name was?
Mike Ritnitjun.
It's not important.
Start cleaning your desk,
and we'll pick you up
in the morning.
Tell her she might
want to get a coat.
Hold on. Veronica?
What was it?
Tell her to get a coat.
Also, I don't know if you know Moscow.
It's pretty cold.
You might want
to buy a coat.
Are you and Champ
having a good time, Ron?
Are we what?
I can see you, Ron.
What?
I can see you.
Okay. Bye-bye.
- What happened?
- She knew it was me.
You're watching Channel Newswith five-time
Emmy award-winning anchorRon Burgundy
and Tits McGee.
Good evening, San Diego.
I'm Veronica Corningstone.
Tits McGee is on vacation.
And I'm Tits...
I'm Ron Burgundy.
- Veronica Corningstone.
- This is your doctor.
I have your pregnancy
report here, and guess what.
You got knocked up.
You should probably get out of news.
- Who is this?
- This is Dr. Chim.
- Dr. Chim Richalds.
- Ron, is this you?
I'm a professional doctor.
You saw me.
You don't remember.
We... you should move.
- Get out of the business.
- This is pathetic.
You're pathetic.
What'd she say?
She... I don't...
I think she bought it.
She's looking this way.
- Oh, uh-oh. Whoa!
- Here she comes.
I'll tell you what,
it's just not working.
She's making us look like
a bunch of fools.
Ellen, where's the party?
Children, grow up.
Son of a bee sting.
She's turning
the entire office against us.
- This is grim. Real grim.
- What are we gonna do?
There's only one thing
a man can do
when he's suffering from a spiritual
and existential funk.
Go to the zoo,
flip off the monkeys?
No. Buy new suits.
Yea!
Where's the suit store?
We've been walking for minutes.
Where's the suit store?
We've been walking for minutes.
Brick, I thought you said
this was a shortcut.
Fantastic.
- Is it a shortcut or not?
- Okay.
Jeez.
Hey.
Uh-oh.
Here comes trouble.
Burgundy and the ladies
went out for a stroll, huh?
You boys walkin' around
and talkin' things through?
Keep a tight perimeter.
Yes, sirree.
Well, well, well.
Ron Burgundy
and the Channel
News Team.
Where's your mommy?
You back off,
Evening News Team.
You know,
I understand that, uh,
they had to bring
a female in.
Change your diapers.
Wipe the dribble away
from your bubblin' lips.
Rub Vaseline
all over your heinie
and tell you that it's special
and different from everyone else's.
He said "heinie"!
Brick, get back over here!
Heinie!
Does she tuck you in, Ronnie?
Give you a little kiss
on your forehead?
Tell you everything's
gonna be okay?
I've had enough
of you, Mantooth.
This is gonna end
right here, right now.
Let's dance, dickweed.
You wanna dance, Ronnie?
I wanna polka.
Come get a taste.
Brick, where'd you get
a hand grenade?
I don't know.
All right.
Let's do this!
Hey!
If you're gonna have a fight,
then don't forget
Channel News with me,
lead anchor Frank Vitchard.
You dirtbags have been
in third place for five years.
Yeah? Well, you're about
to be in dead place.
Not so fast, you ingrates!
Public News Team is taking
a break from its pledge drive
to kick some ass.
No commercials!
No mercy!
Cómo están, pinches!
Spanish Language News is here.
Tonight's top story:
The sewers run red
with Burgundy's blood.
Hyah! Hyah!
Well looks like we got
ourselves a bilingual bloodfest.
Now, before we do this,
let's go over the ground rules.
Rule number one:
No touching
of the hair or face.
Of course.
And that's it!
Now let's do this!
Begin!
I'm gonna straight-up
murder your ass!
- Blade!
- Here you go, mate!
Ahh! God!
Oh! I did not
see that coming!
Oh! Aaah!
- Now I'll be number one.
- No, you won't!
Policía!
Boy, that escalated quickly.
I mean, that really
got out of hand fast.
- It jumped up a notch.
- It did, didn't it?
Yeah, I stabbed
a man in the heart.
I saw that.
Brick killed a guy.
- Did you throw a trident?
- Yeah.
There were horses and a man on fire
and I killed a guy with a trident.
I've been meaning
to talk to you about that.
Find yourself a safe house
or a relative close by.
Lay low for a while, because you're
probably wanted for murder.
I'm proud of you fellas.
You kept your head
on a swivel.
That's what you gotta do when
you're in a vicious cockfight.
Can you believe Mantooth and
the Channel Evening News Team?
"Where's your mommy?
Someone's gotta change your diapers."
This Corningstone business
is really hurting our rep.
I know exactly
what you mean, Brian.
Every newsman in this city's
laughing at us.
- And I don't like it.
- I don't like the put-downs.
We're gonna do
something about it.
It is time to put
an end to this!
Last time I looked, my name's Ron
Burgundy. What's your name?
- Brian Fantana.
- Champ Kind.
- Brian Fantana.
- No, you're Brick.
- Brian.
- I'm Brian.
Veronica.
And I've shown you, old man!
Garth, I need to look at these tapes
for a potential lead.
Ron's using the machine
to play his local Emmy
acceptance speech from last year.
I tried to ask her
out on a date.
Turn the music off!
I'm still talking!
- This is ridiculous!
- I don't remember doing it.
- Excuse me.
- What are you doing?
I need this machine so I can
watch a tape for a story.
I'm using the tape.
I'm showing Jeffrey
my Emmy tape.
We are watching history.
Mr. Burgundy,
I'm a professional,
and I would like
to be able to do my job.
Big deal!
I am very professional!
Mr. Burgundy,
you are acting like a baby.
I'm not a baby, I am a man.
I am an anchorman!
You are not a man.
You are a big fat joke!
I'm a man
who discovered the wheel
and built the Eiffel Tower
out of metal and brawn.
That's what
kind of man I am.
You're just a woman
with a small brain.
With a brain a third the size of us.
It's science.
I will have you know
that I have more talent
and more intelligence
in my little finger
than you do
in your entire body, sir!
You are a smelly
pirate hooker!
You look like a blueberry.
Why don't you go back
to your home on Whore Island?
Well, you have bad hair.
What did you say?
I said
your hair
looks stupid.
- Let 'em work it out!
- It's between the two of them!
They're just talking.
Just talking.
- I hate you!
- I hate you more!
Ow!
Shut up! Shut up!
All right, stop!
Stop what you're doing
right now!
I will not have
my newsroom be divided.
Ah! Knights of Columbus,
that hurts!
I was like, "Who is that guy?"
I just can't believe
what Ron did to you.
It is so awful.
Yes.
Have you ever thought
about fighting fire
with fire?
What do you mean?
I have some information
that you can choose to use or not use.
Up to you.
Ron Burgundy
will read anything
that is put on that Teleprompter.
And when I say anything,
I mean an-y-thing.
Arnold, cue one.
After the FotoMat
was destroyed,
the bear scampered
back into the woods.
Apparently he wasn't too happy
with his color prints.
Oh.
From the entire
Channel News Team,
I'm Veronica Corningstone.
And I'm Ron Burgundy.
Go fuck yourself,
San Diego.
What in the name...
No!
Nobody talks about
my city that way!
Ron Burgundy's ass
is grass!
Nice work, everyone.
Sharp broadcast.
Really good.
Everyone on the floor as well.
Really a lot of hustle.
I liked it.
Dump out! Dump out!
Hello, Edward.
- Ron, I've got to fire you.
- I've got to fire you.
Bing, bong, bong.
You're fired, Ed.
Do you even know
what you just said?
Great Odin's raven!
Are you happy, Ron?
Veronica.
She put that in the Teleprompter.
You're probably right,
but this is bad, Ron. Real bad.
My hands are tied. I...
I gotta fire you.
Ed, let's hold on.
Let's count to .
That's a rash decision.
Is this about something else?
Ed, there's
very angry San Diego-ites.
San Diego-ins.
San Diego-uns.
- San Dieg-ons.
- San Diegans.
San Diegans out
in front of the station.
They want Ron's blood.
They want to hurt you.
Why did you say that? Why?
Why, Ron? Why?
You're my hero, Ron.
Garth, I...
And you come out
with stink like that poop!
You poop mouth!
Get all the poop out of your mouth!
If I were to give you money out
of my wallet, would that ease the pain?
I hate you, Ron Burgundy!
I hate you!
Ron? Ron! I never
wanted it to be like this.
I can't believe you did this to me!
Are you happy?
No, Ron, I'm not!
It was supposed to be a joke.
I mean, it's still kind of funny.
But it's not.
I have nothing left!
Nothing!
I've been reduced to rubble!
Don't you know I would
never say the word fuck?
I would never fucking
ever fucking say that!
Ever!
Let's go. These people
are about to pull you apart.
I'm sorry. Get your hands
off him, you bastards!
Don't you know I would
never say fuck?
- Fuck!
- Move.
No! No!
Mr. Burgundy, you should
be ashamed of yourself.
- Please, I...
- You're an awful man!
You are truly a disappointment
to us all, Mr. Burgundy!
Bob Dylan once wrote,"The times,
they are a-changin'."Ron Burgundy
had never heard that song.So when he fell, he fell hard.It's Channel News at :!
Good evening, San Diego.
I'm lead anchor
Veronica Corningstone.
Tonight's top story:
An ultrasound of Ling Wong,
the most famous panda
in the world,
shows that her baby
is doing quite well.
No!
Ron Burgundy, stay classy.
Hello, this is Ron.
Hello.
Who's there?
I'm talking. Hello.
Who is this?
Baxter, is that you?
Baxter!
Bark twice
if you're in Milwaukee.
Is this Wilt Chamberlain?
Have the courage
to say something. Hello!
Hello!
Oh, Tino, thank you
for letting me come in here.
I'm glad I can still
get a good meal.
Yeah sure. Here you are,
the chef made this special for you.
You eat that for the way
you talk about my city.
I will not eat that.
You're going to eat
that cat poo.
I will not eat cat poop.
- You will eat cat poo.
- Ron Burgundy says no!
You make a fool of me
and everyone here.
You put that cat poo
in your mouth.
- No!
- Yes!
- No!
- Sí!
- I will not eat cat poop.
- You will do it immediately!
- No!
- You will!
- Fine, I'll try to eat one...
- Get in there.
If I take one bite will
you get me a steak?
If I take one bite of shit
will you bring me a steak?
I'll think about it.
Yeah, get in there.
- Yeah, start with the end.
- I am so hungry.
- There.
- Oh God!
A steak. A big steak
for him, please.
No!
I had one bite.
- That's not enough.
- Son of a bitch.
You like this?
Oh, don't cry.
Don't cry.
He's not crying.
He's not crying.
- Don't cry in my...
- I'll eat the shit. I don't care.
I'll eat the entire
hunk of shit.
Okay, just finish it up.
Don't you feel
better now?
Hey, you watch
yourself, mister.
Hey, lady in
the red hat. Yeah.
You smell.
Guys.
Guys, it's me, Ron.
Fellas!
Harken said he'd fire us
if we talked to you.
- What?
- I'm sorry.
I... Brian!
- It's Ronnie!
- Ron!
- Champ!
- Ron!
Champ, come on.
Come on!
Go, Brick.
My sweet Brick.
Brick, come hug me.
I know you want to.
I am completely
miserable, San Diego!
It's so damn hot!
Milk was a bad choice!
Yes, yes.
Chris, listen to me.
Put down the gun
and let the marching band go.
We'll play it off as a prank.
We'll straighten it out later.
I'm getting another call.
Ed Harken.
What?
Oh, my God!
Listen, everybody, Ling Wong
the panda is giving birth!
Get Corningstone
over there right away!
The network
is picking up the feed.
I want a shot
of that panda being born!
This is Ted Nightingale,
Channel News Los Angeles,
reporting from
the San Diego Zoo.
And this is the moment
the entire world
has been waiting for.
I can only speculate
as to the sex of the panda,
but if I had to guess,
I'd say female.
- Excuse me. Press.
- Hey, lady, watch it.
Excuse me, I'm press.
Thank you. What do you got?
Nothing. All I can see
is a blue curtain.
Oh, damn it.
Go over there and see
if you can get a shot. I'll go this way.
Hey, lady, why don't you
go fetch me a sandwich?
Okay, I'll go get your sandwich.
Then I'll show you the ratings where
you're number two to a woman.
Ouch. Don't lose
any more hair over it.
- Whatever.
- We're live, Mr. Mantooth.
Good afternoon,
San Diego.
We're here today to celebrate
the birth of a panda.
Hey, nut job!
Quit the singin'!
Creeping out
all the regulars.
I'm expressing my inner anguish
through the majesty of song!
Look, drunkie, you been
coming in here every day,
stinking up the joint
with your craziness.
Now, what the hell
is wrong with you?
I got no heart!
Because a she-devil stole it!
You know what the worst
part about it is?
She's better than me!
She's better than me.
You know, times are changing.
Ladies can do stuff now.
You're gonna have to learn
how to deal with that.
What?
Were you saying something?
Look, I don't
speak Spanish.
Ah.
Scotty.
Scotty, I have the shot.
Scotty. Scotty!
Hey, uh,
that is some fantastic
shot you got there.
The kind of shot that gets you
to the top of network news.
- Oh, well, we hope.
- We at public television,
we're really down
with the woman's lib thing.
That is so refreshing to me.
Because the struggle I've...
Howie, we have the shot.
Up a little.
Up, up.
Oh.
You son of a bitch!
Shh!
Don't want to wake up
your friends.
Help!
- Simply vanished.
- How do you lose your lead anchor?
- I can't find Corningstone.
- Where the hell is she?
- No one's seen her.
- I can't believe this.
Every news outlet in the world
is looking for coverage on this.
I've got no damn lead anchor!
Damn it! Get me a phone.
I can't believe
I'm about to do this.
Rocky's,
bar, grill, fine dining.
- Is there an anchorman there?
- Hold on.
This is killing me.
I'd rather slit my throat.
- Hello?
- Hello?
- Is this Ron?
- Who is this?
- It's me. Ed.
- Who?
- Ed Harken.
- I don't know a Ned.
- Ed Harken!
- Ed!
- Ed, hello.
- Listen, Ron.
Corningstone disappeared in the midst
of the biggest story of the year.
We need you down here
right away.
Wait, Ed.
Does this mean you're asking me
to report the news again?
- Yes.
- Ed!
That's wonderful!
Thank you!
Ed, hold on.
I want to say a few words.
- You have always been a good friend!
- Right.
- Always!
- Right.
Get down here
as quickly as you can.
Ed, I'll be down there.
And I'm going to look good.
Good evening.
I'm Ron Burgundy.
Damn!
That dude cleans up good!
If I'm gonna do this, I'll need
my news team at my side.
News team!
Assemble!
News team, assemble!
Hey, Ron.
What's up?
Oh.
Hi.
Didn't see you there.
We've been here literally
the entire time you have.
I'm a little embarrassed.
Look.
I just got the call from Harken.
He wants me back.
But I can't do this
without my news team.
I don't know, Ron.
That was half a lifetime ago.
We're different people now.
When you left,
the hurt was so deep.
I don't know if I can
go through that again.
Think about
what you're asking.
Man.
Gentlemen,
there was a time
when you called me
your lead anchor.
Will you follow me again?
I'm gettin' too old
for this shit.
To the news van!
- To the news van!
- Okay!
Ahh!
Well, I'll be.
Ron Burgundy.
He's back!
Gentlemen, let's try
to get in a good position for the story.
- How does the hair look?
- Magnificent.
You have hair like an angel.
Oh, whoa, whoa.
Network talent scout.
- This is a hot one.
- I'm actually nervous.
Let's go get 'em.
Wait! Did you
just hear something?
Help.
- Ron, help!
- Veronica!
- Are you okay?
- Shh!
How did you
get down there?
Just go get someone.
Please.
Hold on.
Hold on!
We've got to do something.
Whoa, Ron, I don't want
to sound cruel, but...
There's a network
talent scout over there.
This is a tough decision.
So much to think about.
Basically the biggest story
of my career,
launching me to a level
I've never known before,
or saving the woman
I used to have
familiar relations with.
This is hard!
I am in a pickle!
Ron, I know
it sounds harsh,
but God does not
want her to live.
No. Hold on.
It's clear now.
We go into the bear pit.
Ron, don't.
Oh!
I immediately
regret this decision.
What are you doing?
Why didn't you get help?
These bears are massive!
They looked
a lot smaller from up there.
Fan out.
Let's go find Harken.
Stay calm.
It's all right. I think it's all right,
my sweet chinchilla.
- Oh, Ron.
- Yes, yes.
In case we die here today,
there's something
that you should know.
That dirty trick
with the Teleprompter, it wasn't...
Sweet Eli Whitney's nose!
It wasn't you, was it?
It was Wes Mantooth.
- Oh, I should have known.
- No, no.
- No, I did it.
- You bitch!
Shh!
You woke the bears.
Why did you do that?
There's somebody
in the bear pit!
It took
my impending death
for me to realize
how much I need you.
Oh, Ron.
Those bears
are gonna hurt them!
News team, let's hunt.
News team!
Bear fight!
Come on.
Come on!
Damn!
Hit 'em in the uvula!
Hey, Ron!
I'm riding a furry tractor!
The bears have descended
on the news team
and it's not going well.
Clearly, after today,
I will no longer...
Come on!
Oh, God!
It's getting to be
ri-goddamn-diculous!
Oh, no.
We woke up the mama.
Oh, God!
I don't wanna die.
Baxter!
Look! They're following their mother!
It's instinct.
Oh, Baxter!
Oh! Oh, Baxter,
you're still alive!
Oh, I'm so happy!
I'm so happy!
You are alive!
I'm so happy!
I will lick you!
I will lick you in front
of everyone to show my joy.
Oh. Ohhh!
Boy, he really
likes that dog.
Burgundy!
Burgundy!
Burgundy! Burgundy!
Burgundy!
Burgundy!
Hi, Ron.
It's always a long fall
from the top, isn't it?
Easy, Wes.
I've been waiting
to say this to you for a long time.
- All right.
- Deep down in my stomach,
with every inch of me,
I pure, straight
hate you!
But, God damn it,
do I respect you!
Thank you,
brother.
Burgundy!
Burgundy!
Today we spell redemption
R-O-N.
Burgundy!
Burgundy!
Ron, you're my hero!
Ron, I think you've got
a story to report.
Are you sure, Ed?
Do it.
It's the story
you were born to tell.
San Diego's waiting.
Go get 'em.
Make way!
Ron Burgundy's about
to report on pandas!
Count me down.
Three.
You're live, Mr. Burgundy.
This is Ron Burgundy,
proudly reporting once again
for Channel News.
Today's story is one
of the more remarkable things
ever to happen
to San Diago
or even the world.
But in order
to properly retell it,
I'm going to need
some help
from my co-anchor,
Miss Veronica Corningstone.
- High-pressure system...
- No, no, no, no, Brick.
- High-pressure system...
- Go stand over there.
Oh, Ron.
Ron, there are literally
thousands of men
that I should
be with instead,
Yes, redemption
was sweet for Ron Burgundy.
Yes!
Ron!
- As for the news team:
- Stop it! Ron!
Champ Kind went on to become
a commentator for the NFL,
but was later fired
after being accused
of sexual harassment
by Terry Bradshaw.
Excuse me.
Is that Sex Panther
you're wearing?
Brian Fantana went on
to have great success
as the host of the hit
reality TV show
"Intercourse Island"
on the Fox Network.
Anyone seen Brick?
- Brick?
- Don't! That tickles!
No, that tickles me!
Come on!
Brick Tamland
is married with children
and is one of the top
political advisors
to the Bush White House.
I'm gonna get you!
I'm gonna get you!
And Ron and Veronica
didn't stay in San Diego long.
I chose them
as my replacement,
and they became the first
mixed-gender network news team,
and they're still
doing it today.
From all of us here
at the World News Center,
I'm Veronica Corningstone.
And I'm Ron Burgundy.
You stay classy, planet Earth.
Oh!
Great Odin's raven!
Oh!
By the hammer of Thor!
Oh!
Saint Damien's beard!
Sweet grandmother's spatula!
Oh! Hot pot of coffee!
Uncle Jonathan's
corncob pipe!
I'm gonna shoot you with a BB gun
when you're not looking.
In the back of the head.
I'm sorry.
You're not very bright.
You know that, right?
You're actually
quite a dullard.
Everyone here knows it.
If I'm a dullard,
you're the, uh, the dull...
Oh! Can't think of
anything to say, can you?
Yes, I can. I can think
of a lot of things to say.
Like, you're a dirty bitch.
Well, Ron, I'm gonna
put poison...
Oh, my God!
I drank a lava lamp.
It wasn't lava.
I ate a whole bunch
of fiberglass insulation.
It wasn't cotton candy
like that guy said.
My stomach's itchy.
I pooped a hammer.
I pooped
a tape recorder.
I pooped
a Cornish game hen.
Uh...
Nope.
You do not take
a tone with me,
'cause I will give you a rap right
on the Jack Johnson!
- Okay.
- Yes.
Now this
is happenin'.
What are
you doing?
- Hah!
- What are you doing?
What are you...
Action.
We'll go back to doing
what I do best...
I guess we'll go back to doing
what I do best, show off.
When do we
get started?
When do we get started?
- That's my line.
- When do we get started?
You say,
"Whenever you like."
Whenever you like.
Keep it rollin'.
This is good stuff.
...an area bank
in a daring...
Probably not the same one.
Probably not the same guy.
Brick, before I let you go,
are you still having your celebrity
golf tournament this summer?
No, too many people
died last year.
So we're not gonna do...
Sorry. Sorry.
They named it
San Diego.
Which in German means,
"a whale's vagina."
This is the most
ridiculous thing ever.
Way to handle him.
That was nice.
It sure is good
to be number one.
It sure beats the hell
out of number two.
We are laughing!
And we are
very good friends.
Good buddies sharing
a special moment.
Don't say anything, Ron.
Just let it happen.
We're laughing,
enjoying our friendship.
And someday we'll look back
on this with much fondness.
Yeah.
Yeah.