Voila! Finally, the Are We Done Yet? script is here for all you fans of the Ice Cube movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. At least you'll have some Are We Done Yet? quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?
And swing on back to Drew's
Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.
Are We Done Yet? Script
You know, a lot has changed
in my life in the past year.
Suzanne and I got married...
...and her and the kids moved
into my apartment.
My very small apartment.
But that ain't all.
I decided to pursue my dream.
So I sold my sports shop
and started up a magazine.
You know what it is.
A sports magazine.
And these are the moments
that I cherish.
When everybody's asleep,
I got the whole place to myself...
...and now it's time to get to work.
So, Magic, how was it when you...?
How's your magazine coming?
Come here.
Kevin, what you doing up?
Trying to write.
I'm hungry.
Do you got Pop-Tarts?
You're always hungry.
And it's, "Do we got Pop-Tarts?"
We family now.
So, what's mine is yours,
and what's yours is mine.
-Understand?
-I understand I want Pop-Tarts.
Thanks, Nick.
Did you take my cell phone?
Mom, Kevin's stealing
my stuff again.
Nick, Coco's hungry.
Hey, you guys wanted the dog,
you gonna have to feed him.
Coco, breakfast!
-Good morning.
-Hey.
How's your writing
going this morning?
-Not too good.
-Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Nick, there's something
we really need to talk about.
Hold that thought.
Hey! No! Wait a minute.
No! No! No!
Open this door.
I have to put on my makeup, Nick.
You're too young to wear makeup.
Now, I'm gonna count to three.
One.
Two.
I'm almost 1 4, Nick.
You can't keep treating me Iike a child.
No, no. You're only 1 3.
And as your stepfather,
I have the God-given right...
...to treat you Iike a child.
Suzanne, do you see
what this girl got on?
I'm not in it.
Okay, okay, I am not dressing
Iike somebody's grandma.
After school, Ashley and I are going to
the mall for the Nordstrom sale.
No. No. Veto.
That ain't gonna happen.
I don't Iike that one bit.
You're too young
to be hanging out at the mall.
So go get dressed, granny.
Too young for the mall?
You're Iike a prison guard.
Yeah, well, welcome to AIcatraz.
So, Nick, you know,
the Lutskys are moving.
-So?
-Well, it's a three-bedroom.
Yeah, it's probably three times
as expensive too.
Hey!
Oh, you wanna be treated Iike a adult?
You can't even wrap a piece of pizza.
You said I was a child.
Nick, there's something that we really
need to talk about this morning.
I can't talk right now.
Look at me. I'm a mess.
Kevin.
Okay. Out. Both you guys. Out.
I got a presentation today
with my publisher.
-Let's go. I need to talk to your mother.
-You too, Coco. Get out. Go.
This place.
Coco, get down before
you knock something over.
And what were you trying to say?
Honey, I'm pregnant.
By who?
So you sold your half
of the shop to Marty?
He's gotta be happy
about that, huh?
Yeah, he is. But I am too, you know?
I'm starting a new chapter
in my Iife, my man.
I'm Iaunching a magazine.
That's great. You took a risk,
and you made it happen.
You got Magic. I'm proud of you.
Whoa, hey!
Who said anything about Magic?
You don't have him?
Officially, no.
But it's Iooking good.
It's Iooking real good.
Matter of fact, it's Iooking so good...
...pour me a shot, pour yourself a shot
and then pour one for my man Magic.
Let me ask you something, Nick.
If you don't have him,
why'd you sell the shop?
I need the money, Jimmy.
It's been cool, but it's kind of hard
having Suzanne and the kids...
...just crammed up
into my small place.
It's just time to move on up, man.
PIus, I didn't tell you,
I'm having a baby.
AII right. My man's having a baby.
-Yeah. Yeah. That's right.
-Hey, baby.
-Hey, hey, hey.
-I thought I'd find you here. Hi, Jimmy.
-How'd it go?
-It went great.
Check it out.
Hey.
This baby got two heads.
And four arms and four Iegs.
Nick, we're having twins.
Twins?
-Honey.
-Cut off, Nick.
Thanks, Jimmy.
I can't believe you're making us
move to the country.
This is like child abuse
of the worst kind.
Where's the mall?
What you need a mall for?
That's your problem now.
You need to get a Iittle fresh air
and open spaces. Try that.
Lindsey, please. Okay?
Everybody, just relax.
Yeah, just relax.
Here, sweetie. Have a juice.
-Oh, God--
-Kevin!
What's that smell?
Smells Iike oxygen.
Mom, please tell me you're joking.
-Enough.
-I hope it's the right place.
Of course it's not.
Our old house is the right house.
This is the place, guys. Come on.
Let's have a positive
mental attitude, okay?
Nice floors.
I smell cookies.
Kevin, Kevin, you cannot just walk
around these people's house Iike that.
Oh, this the culprit right here.
God!
Oh, baby. Oh, honey.
Okay, cold water. Go. Cold water.
Oh, goodness gracious!
What happened in here?
Did you touch the stove?
Was it the stove?
I'II tell you what, gonna put
Tunisian hemp root on there.
Make it as good as new.
It's true, actually.
I'm so sorry about that.
It's fine. He's just being a big baby.
Name's Chuck Mitchell Jr.
I'm the Iocal real-estate guy
here in Newburg County and....
You....
I know just exactly who you are.
You're Nick.
There we go.
Note to self, the hand still hurts.
-And the radiant....
-Suzanne.
Oh, my G-O-D.
Suzanne's with child.
You old dog, you!
-Oh, well--
-Hold up.
It's okay. I'm a part-time midwife.
I actually studied...
...at the Natural Childbirth Center
in Lucerne, Switzerland.
They're twins, aren't they?
Yes, they are.
How did you know that?
Would you Iike to know the sexes?
No.
Matter of fact, we wanna
keep it a surprise, Chuck.
Oh, fair enough. Isn't that
every parent's prerogative?
But if I were you, I wouldn't be in any
big hurry to paint the nursery pink.
Oh, gosh. It's just a special time,
being in that delivery room.
Right. The man almost fainted
when our guppy had babies.
Now, you know that
that was a hard delivery for me.
AII that cloudy water and then those
Iittle things popping out one by one.
Honey?
Babe.
Honey.
Now, the place was built in 1 by H. Van Hackett himself...
...Iegendary architect
and perfectionist.
I'd Iike to tell you something
right up front:
In all my years in "the business"--
And there have been more than a few.
--I have never seen
a more sound home.
Structurally speaking.
Wait till you get a Ioad
of the second floor.
Baby, do you see this?
-It's okay, we'II fix it.
-Did you see this?
Now, she's got five bedrooms
and four bathrooms...
...so needless to say, there's plenty
of room for the whole fam.
I think we're gonna go ahead and put
Mom and Dad in the master bedroom.
-Five bedrooms, right?
-Five, baby. You feeling me?
I'm feeling you.
-This big enough for you, baby?
-It's beautiful.
And, of course, the master bathroom.
Oh, my God, baby, a claw-foot tub.
-I've always wanted one of these.
-Me too.
Pretty awesome, right?
-I Iike it.
-It's beautiful. And the double sinks!
Oh, my God.
Baby, Iook at the shower.
Oh, my God, honey, this is bigger
than our entire apartment.
I know.
What's in there, Chuck?
That is a private toilet.
Baby.
-Did you say private?
-Yes, sir.
Oh, my God.
How I Iook?
How do you feel?
I feel good.
Feeling good's good enough.
You be okay in there, Nick?
Just give me one minute.
So, now, Suzanne here tells me
that you're in the publishing game?
Oh, yeah, I did sell a magazine
to OmniHouse.
An entrepreneur.
A budding William Randolph Hearst
right here in our midst.
I don't really know who that is,
Chuck, but, hey, I guess so.
Modest too? They broke the mold.
I'II tell you what, Suze,
I'd hang on to this one.
Oh, yeah, he's a keeper, Chuck.
Oh, way to stick the Ianding, Kev-o.
The Hacketts, of course,
used this as a guest cottage.
But with just a "scootcharino" of work,
it could be easily converted...
...into the perfect creative nook for,
you know, a....
A publisher.
You know, I was thinking about
writing in that bathroom up there.
Oh, yeah?
-Oh, honey, this is so charming.
-This'II work too.
Just for a second, Nick,
just for a second, imagine....
Imagine watching
a blue-throated hummingbird...
...suckle the nectar from a fresh
hydrangea blossom...
...while you free your mind...
...to the creative impulses that have
made every publishing empire great.
This is not a dress rehearsal, Nick.
Live the dream, baby,
Iive the dream.
Would you guys Iike
to see a tremendous view?
Would you? Come on. Come on.
-It's the coup de grâce. You'II Iove it.
-Come on, baby.
You're gonna wanna get Iow
coming through this door.
The roof-- Think you'II find the roof
needs a Iittle bit of work...
...so please be careful.
The property includes
an apple orchard.
There's some wild blackberries
over here, some cedars.
And I don't even wanna tell you
about the view of the Iake from here.
Breathe.
Breathe, breathe in that rich,
fresh air, Mr. Publisher.
How about it?
Oh, not so incidentally, they just built
a brand-new school down the road.
Really?
Newburg is a really amazing place
to raise a family.
Oh, it's just so beautiful, Chuck.
Well, you should see it
in the middle of the winter...
...with a blanket of snow covering it.
It's pretty as a postcard.
Personally, I Iike to power-walk
through these woods.
Never mind the fact that, of course,
I used to do the walk competitively.
Really?
Yeah, I was an alternate
to the '94 Goodwill Games in Russia.
Like I say, she is a fixer-upper...
...but I happen to know the finest
contractor in these parts.
You give that gentleman
a call and....
One way to make your Iife
a whole Iot easier.
So, now, where do
we stand there, Nickster?
I don't know, Chuck.
I'm not really sure if this is
the right place for us, you know.
It's a Iittle high-priced
and you're a Iittle weird.
Oh, gosh, I actually scheduled
a couple back-to-back with you guys.
Larry, Bernice. Hello! Come in.
PIease, make yourself at home.
-Okay, Chuck. Thanks.
-Thank you.
I gotta go.
So, what you think?
I don't know. I don't know.
Can we really afford this house?
Of course.
Baby, with the advance,
plus the money we saved on rent...
...we can buy this place
two times over.
And have money to fix it up.
And guess what.
I can do the fixing.
I can barely get you to change
a Iight bulb at the apartment.
So what? Look, Iook.
Take a Iook at this.
-A house is Iike a painting.
-Yeah.
You can't really buy with your head,
you gotta buy with your heart.
Yeah, honey, but we have to think
with our heads right now.
We gotta think about the kids.
We gotta think about
it's the middle of the school year...
...Lindsey has her friends and she just
met that nice boy in her math class.
There's plenty of stuff
around here for Lindsey to do...
...that have nothing to do with boys.
And Kevin, this is perfect!
Look at the nature.
Look at the wilderness.
We got a blueberry tree, baby.
Are we talking about the same kid?
Kevin doesn't go outside for recess.
That's why he needs a place Iike this,
to toughen him up.
PIus, I can take him fishing.
Who's going fishing?
-Me.
-You fish?
Oh, I can fish, baby.
Oh, when's the Iast time
you went fishing?
Last time-- Matter of fact,
it was before I met you...
...Iast time I went fishing.
And....
I don't know how to fish,
but I can Iearn.
And then I could teach him,
and we can bond.
-"We can bond."
-We'II become a true family.
-"A true family."
-Picture it.
What you think?
I think there are a Iot
of rooms in this house...
...that are gonna need breaking in.
Oh, yeah?
Well, what about the roof?
The roof isn't a bad place to start.
Well, come over here,
drop it Iike it's hot, girl.
Baby!
We'II take it.
Good boy.
Good boy.
-Where'd she go?
-She was just.... I don't know.
There.
What you doing?
Stop! Coco, stop!
Help!
Hey, honey, do you know
how this garbage disposal works?
Because I've tried every single one
of these switches.
What about this one?
See? Everything is working out
just Iike I promised, huh?
I can fix that.
Oh, you can fix that?
Hey, I hope we're not disturbing you.
I'm Mr. Rooney, this is Mrs. Rooney.
Oh, so formal.
PIease, call me Mrs. Rooney.
We wanted to be the first
to welcome you.
Oh, we sure did.
We are the first, aren't we?
You're the first.
Yes.
-That Iooks gross.
-Kevin.
That fish put this town on the map.
Oh, yeah. Sturgeon tastes
a Iot Iike chicken, only fishy.
-Nice.
-I think you're gonna enjoy it.
And even if you don't, it's dead.
Did you wanna come inside
for something to drink?
Oh, that's so sweet.
But we don't really drink so early
in the day around these parts, but--
-Right. No.
-No, no, I meant, Iike, just a Iemonade.
Boy, get them fish.
Thank you. CIose the door.
-Welcome.
-For you.
Tastes Iike chicken.
Sturgeon, right?
Give me the fish, man.
Y'all get out of here
before I call the cops.
Hey, Nick.
I can't find Coco anywhere.
Give me that.
Don't worry about Coco,
he'II show up sooner or Iater.
There's a Iot of trees
to pee on out there.
What you want me to do?
Coco!
Where's that dog?
Maybe we should go back.
It's kind of scary out here.
Scary? Boy, it's beautiful out here.
Look, you with the man. I was the man
in the city, and I'm the man out here.
Trust me, when you're with me,
there's nothing to be scared of.
But that.
Run! Go! Go!
Can you hear me now?
Hello? Can you hear me now?
Off the phone, please. Here we are.
Oh, Iook at this.
-That's nice.
-Yeah.
And Iook at us.
One big, happy family.
Yes, one big, happy family.
Lindsey, would you Iike
to give thanks?
Why, are we going home?
This is our home.
Our real home, Mom.
Where my friends are.
Where I can get cell phone reception.
Lindsey,
put away the phone, please.
Kevin?
-I don't Iike this fish.
-Me neither.
But we're gonna be eating this
every day for the next six months...
...so get used to it.
Now, Lindsey. Grace.
Dear Lord, thank you for all the
blessings that you gave us.
Before they were taken away.
Like my friends,
cell phone reception--
Time-out, I got this.
PIease, honey.
Oh, patient and heavenly Father...
...who's probably 1 0 times
more patient and heavenly...
...than any stepfather
should have to be--
Baby.
--we give thanks.
I know at times it seems Iike...
...we're nothing but a bunch of
back-talking sass mouths...
...who don't know when we got it good
in a nice, beautiful home.
At Ieast the table's strong.
I can fix that.
Honey, I think you should
just call the contractor.
Suzanne, the electrical parts
alone is a 30 percent markup.
And a contractor?
You're talking about
1 25 bucks a hour.
Now do you want the number?
Contractor's here!
Coco! Oh, Coco.
Coco, sit.
How did you do that?
That's German.
It's the Ianguage of discipline.
I was fortunate a couple of years back
to spend some time...
...and study with the friars
of New Skete.
Nick!
I found Coco by the highway,
but it's no problem...
-...because he had his tags on.
-Chuck, what you doing here?
I got a message down at the office
that you were Iooking for a contractor?
But you're the Iocal real-estate guy.
Yes, I am.
And I'm also the Iocal contractor.
Do you Iove it?
-What's that smell?
-Fifty pounds of fish.
Do you know the power
went out Iast night?
On it.
What you mean, "ruh-roh"?
Nick, when exactly
did you buy this home?
Are you serious?
You know exactly
when I bought this dump...
...because you the one sold it to us.
And that's what makes it
so very unpleasant for me...
...to have to tell you that your home's
electrical system is shot.
AII right, all right, all right.
FIag on the play.
Why didn't you tell us this
when you showed us the house?
Nick, in all fairness,
I did have my Realtor's cap on.
You know, might remember
that great blue blazer and the khakis.
My contractor's hat was safely
at home in the closet.
They're two distinctly
different chapeaus...
...but they should have told you
when you had the place inspected.
How's it going, guys?
Nick didn't have
this dump inspected.
I had it inspected. It was inspected.
It was just inspected by me.
Honey, how could you not
hire an inspector?
We talked about this.
How could you be so irresponsible?
I trusted you on this.
-Don't blame me, it's his fault.
-Well, how is it Chuck's fault?
He Iied!
No, he didn't. You was just too cheap
to hire an inspector.
That's besides the point.
They're kicking, aren't they?
Feels Iike they're playing soccer.
You okay?
They say that the move
was very traumatic for them...
...and that you shouldn't sleep
on your right side.
How do you know, Chuck?
I'm a baby whisperer.
A baby what?
AIso, they'd Iove it if you could Iay off
the Indian food. Curry is a no-no.
Oh, brother.
Unfortunately, you gotta upgrade
the main panel and pull all the wires.
That just sound Iike a bigger job.
Oh, crap.
You got raccoons.
Oh, yeah. Raccoons
that Iike Corn Nuts.
Word to the wise, careful with those
raccoons. They're vicious.
Hey, hey, Chuck.
When it comes
to this electrical stuff....
How much this gonna cost me?
Oh, gosh, I don't know.
A home this size...
...you're Iooking at 8, 9.
-Hundred?
-Thousand.
Get off my property.
I might fixed.
-Oh, yeah?
-Yeah.
Perfect.
That's what I'm talking about.
I'm professional.
Thanks. Appreciate it, Serge.
Come again.
Did you see that? Look and Iearn,
Iittle girl. 1 50 bucks. Painless.
Are you sure it's safe?
Of course it's safe.
He said all we gotta do...
...is not use the microwave
and the toaster at the same time.
That's just common sense.
Eight thousand dollars.
I knew that dude Chuck
was a crook the minute I met him.
Oh, honey, I think
you're a Iittle bit stressed out...
...with the move and everything and,
you know...
...there's one thing
that we haven't been able to do...
...in this big old drafty mansion.
Insulation. That'II be perfect.
If we do that, we'II save
a Iot of money on heating bills.
Baby, I was actually thinking of
something else we could do...
...to stay nice and warm.
Oh, I know what you're thinking.
Honey, what was that?
The raccoon.
-He's on the roof?
-Yeah.
You gotta show him who's boss.
If you don't do that,
you'II never get rid of him.
Baby, but Chuck says they're vicious.
Yeah, if you're a baby whisperer.
But me, I'm the man.
You are the man.
-You got my back?
-I got your back.
Watch this.
Is that my Corn Nuts?
You should know
not to mess with a man's nuts.
Be prepared
to pay the ultimate price.
Honey. Honey, what are you
doing out there?
Step back, baby.
What you wanna do?
Look, he ain't even running.
He think he bad. You think you bad?
I've dealt with rats in the city
bigger than you, boy.
Kids, go to bed. I got this.
-Baby!
-I got him!
Did I get him?
-No.
-No.
Sucker.
Nicholas J. Persons?
-Chuck?
-Charles Mitchell. City inspector.
We got a problem. Let's go.
What's with the badge, Chuck?
Look, I don't have time for
none of this, okay? So make it quick.
Sir, you can't just go around tapping
into other people's power supplies.
It's dangerous, it's against the Iaw...
...and quite frankly, Mr. Persons,
it's rude.
What are you talking about?
I'm gonna go ahead and guess...
...that that work wasn't done
by a Iicensed contractor.
You know, I didn't even know
they was gonna Ieave it Iike that.
You went ahead and availed yourself
to the cheap, unskilled Iabor pool...
...that congregates outside
the hardware store?
I know. Tell you what I'm gonna do.
For reference, I'm gonna
provide you with a Iist...
...of all the Iicensed,
bonded contractors...
...we have here in the Iocal vicinity.
I am also going to fine you $1 for breaking the Iaw.
What? A thousand bucks?
If you knew what you were doing...
...you'd be facing jail time,
so consider yourself Iucky.
We're shutting your power down
till further notice.
What am I supposed to do?
Build a windmill?
Well, that's not a bad idea, so Iong as
you contact the city zoning officer first.
Quality guy.
Would you Iike his card?
-No.
-I'm out of here.
Hey, wait a minute, Chuck.
Chuck, come on, man. It's me. Nick.
Help me get my power back on.
I'm the city inspector, Mr. Persons.
Restoring power's
a Iittle beyond my purview.
Okay, I know what this is. And I seen
this one before. What's it gonna take?
You realize if I accepted that,
I'd have to arrest myself on the spot...
...and I'm not that guy.
But you're a contractor.
But I'm not wearing
that hat right now.
Well, you can put it on.
It's your Iucky day.
It happens to be in the car.
Oh, God. Oh, what,
they shut you down?
The heartless bureaucrats.
They're the worst.
Can you help me?
Well, restoring power's
not as easy as it sounds.
It just might take a couple days.
A couple of days?
Man, I'm trying to Iaunch a magazine.
AII right? What am I supposed to do
without a computer?
We're gonna get your power
back on.
It's not even gonna be an issue.
Trust me.
Here you go, honey.
Your sandwich.
-What?
-Okay.
-Hey, Suzanne.
-Hey, Chuck. Come on in.
What smells good?
Are those sandwiches?
Oh, yeah, sturgeon salad.
Would you Iike one?
-I hate to impose.
-Oh, no, Chuck, anything for you.
Hey, hey, hey, man. What's with
all the racket? I'm trying to work.
We had to saw off the breaker box.
I'd Iike some mustard on there.
I'm a big mustard guy.
But you should be good now.
We'II have you up and running in a jiff.
That's Magic Johnson. That's my guy.
That's my main man.
Did I tell you
I was on the '86 Lakers?
-No.
-Yes, indeedy, sweetie.
I had 38 seconds of playing time.
It was game two of the final
and "Big Game" James...
...went down with a bad wheel,
so we're up by 20 and they put me in.
Check it out, Nicker.
Get ahold of the purple and gold.
That's commitment, right?
When you do talk to the Magic Man,
tell him Chuck-dog said:
"Holler. That's what's up."
-"Holler."
-Thank you so much.
Anyway, the good news is we're
getting the power up and running.
The bad news is you got dry rot.
Dry what?
Can I tell you something?
This is the most incredible sandwich.
You know your way
around a sturgeon.
Wait, wait, wait a minute.
Back to the dry rot.
How big is this?
Well, it could be considerable,
but y'all don't worry about a thing.
I know the best dry-rot guys
in Newburg County.
How's the guy situation out there?
Nothing at all.
No cuties, no nothing.
Girl, I feel sorry for you.
-I didn't wanna move here.
-I don't blame you.
Push. Push.
You should try
and get back here somehow.
At least there are boys here.
Are you still there? Linds? Hello?
Hello? Are you there?
Yeah. I gotta go.
Yup. You got the rot, brah.
-How you know?
-Nick.
-What?
-He's not aware.
Nick, the Pulu family has been in the
dry-rot business for three generations.
Hawaiians know the dry rot
better than the rest of us...
...because the island is so darn wet.
Well, then why do they call it dry rot?
That's a misnomer. Listen carefully.
Billy and George here,
they're highly skilled craftsmen...
...very much in demand,
but Danny, gosh, he's got a gift.
He's an artist, and if he says you've
got the rot, you've got the rot, brah.
Okay, say I got "the rot," brah.
I mean, can't we Iive with it?
Can you Iive with a wood-rotting
fungi that colonizes and spreads...
...to every timber in your home,
Ieading to a mold...
...which can produce
airborne pathogens...
...that might infect every member
of your family...
...causing conjunctivitis,
hypersensitivity pneumonitis...
...and I'm not gonna Iie to you here...
...allergic bronchopulmonary
aspergillosis.
Oh, yeah. No problem.
No.
I think they should fix it now.
You know, that is, because we don't
want it to spread and kill us all, right?
Don't you got clothes
to go put on or something?
-Ma.
-Go.
Right here, right here.
AII right, how much
is it gonna cost me?
-Tough to predict.
-It's Iike that.
Do what you gotta do, all right?
Do what you gotta do.
But you gotta put on these...
...because you're kind of fat and
I don't want you scuffing up my floors.
Don't be a hick, Nick.
These guys are professionals.
Nice bootie.
-Talking about this.
-Give it up.
Yes, ma'am. I understand you guys
need all the questions.
I have them right here
in front of me...
...but I'm in the process of
relocating offices....
Maybe I can fax them
to you Iater on today?
Or tomorrow, the next day,
or the day after that.
-As long as we make our deadline.
-Okay, thanks. Tell Magic I said hey.
-Will do.
-AII right.
-Goodbye.
-Bye-bye.
Peek-a-brah.
What up, man?
Sorry to interrupt, Mr. P.
We just need you to Iook...
...sign off on phase one
of the dry-rot repair.
Oh, okay. No problem.
Nice. Georgie, go Iong!
No, no, no. Georgie,
you don't have to go Iong.
I'II just meet y'all out front.
So how many phases is it?
Just two.
So you guys are halfway through.
Oh, man, that's painless.
What is this?
Phase one.
Phase one?
Hey, Nickeroo.
You.
Where you been, man?
Suzanne was feeling tired,
so I picked up Kev-o...
...and shot some hoop.
What is wrong with you?
Man, you know this boy got asthma.
He can't shoot no hoops.
He cured it, just Iike that.
With something called the go...?
Goji berries.
-Listen.
-Check it out.
Inhale Iove.
Exhale inclusion.
It's a Iittle trick I picked up during a
fast with His Holiness in Dharamsala.
And finish.
Yeah, well, His Holiness
doesn't have to deal with his mother.
You keep your inhaler.
It was no bother.
We had to stop
at Fred's hardware store...
...to pick up a new tankless
water heater. Your old one's shot.
Oh, so now you going out and buying
things without even asking me first.
I don't know what to tell you.
It's a tankless job.
-I did not--
-Yes, he did.
-Good one, Chuck.
-Good one, Chuck.
Oh, what a great kid. Holy moly,
does he have a terrific jump shot.
Honest to goodness,
if he grows another six feet...
...he's gonna be unstoppable.
Hey, Nick. Look what Chuck got me.
-Isn't it awesome?
-Oh, yeah.
-Wait. Give me that.
-Fire! Fire! Fire!
Give me this.
What'd be awesome
is if you was here...
...to keep these Iinebackers
from tearing up my house.
Dry rot is a tricky thing.
You never really know
how much damage there is....
Till you get into it.
It's Iike I always say, it's gonna get
ugly before it gets pretty.
Let me tell you something.
We're gonna get your walls back up...
...and your home
is gonna be stronger for it.
It better be. If not, I'm holding you
personally responsible.
So I want you to be the one
to keep your eye on this whole project.
A very close eye.
Do you understand me?
CIose eyes.
I hear you Ioud and clear...
...Nickeroo.
With the gun. What are you doing?
And put on some booties.
It's Sunday morning, Nick. Isn't it so
nice to have the house to ourselves?
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
What? What is this?
Hey, hey, hey.
-What's up, Nick?
-What you doing?
You said keep a close eye
on the project.
So you going camping?
That's crazy talk. I'm moving in.
Chuck, what about your wife?
Doesn't she want you home?
I don't even want him home.
I know she don't.
Don't worry about the missus. EIIie's
on tour over in China for three months.
Three months?
Yeah. She's a country singer.
You wouldn't believe the way
the Chinese Iove their country music.
But this ain't gonna take
three months.
You're right. Could take Ionger.
But don't worry about me.
You won't even know I'm here.
What do you say? Let's get
out there before the sun gets too hot.
-Get out where?
-Chuck's taking us fishing.
The sturgeon are running.
It's gonna be fantastic.
-You wanna come?
-Oh, Chuck, that is a great idea.
No, no, I can't go fishing.
That's a bad idea.
-Why?
-I got too much work to do.
I gotta set traps in case
that raccoon comes back.
You know those are
vicious animals, baby.
Oh, come on, Nick.
The water's not that deep.
I don't care about that.
Wait a minute, Nick,
are you afraid of the water?
-Honey.
-No. That's ridiculous.
By "no" he means yes, and by
"ridiculous" he means terrified.
And he did promise
that he'd teach Kevin how to fish.
Okay. AII right. Fine.
I'II go fishing.
Fine.
-Yes!
-Thanks, Chuck.
-Yes!
-Don't mention it.
I hate this. I'm gonna Iet y'all
know right now, I hate this.
-Come on.
-You know what? I--
I think I just swallowed a bug.
Y'all see that?
Stop messing around, Nick.
Come on.
For real, I think we need a bigger boat.
I'm not playing.
No, come on. Just take your rod...
...and cast away.
Don't tell me nothing
about fishing, okay?
I was the king of Go Fish
in my neighborhood.
This shouldn't be hard, just--
I saw a shark down there.
Oh, Nick, nice barrel roll.
Just real nice.
That's it. I'm gone. I'm gone.
-Hey, Nick?
-What?
I'd be careful.
Don't worry about me,
I'm on Iand now. I got this.
Help!
Help. Somebody.
I gotta fire Chuck.
Why, because he made you
go fishing?
No, because he's tearing up
our house.
Well, it's gonna get ugly
before it gets pretty, Nick.
Don't you start quoting him
Iike he's some kind of oracle...
...because he's not. He's an idiot.
He's sweet.
What?
Nothing.
Oh, Nick, I know, I know.
This has been so hard for everybody...
...with this house,
and you're used to being a bachelor...
...and now you've got me and the kids
and the responsibilities of this house.
I know you're under
a Iot of pressure, honey.
Oh, my goodness.
Come here. Feel this.
Touch it, right here.
Do you feel him?
What is that, his butt?
I think so.
Isn't that the coolest thing?
Did you hear that?
-Boy.
-Did you hear that?
-Honey, is that the raccoon?
-No.
Raccoon made a scuffling sound.
That was more Iike a rustle.
I think it's in the chimney.
I guess I showed him.
Yeah.
-Yeah.
-Yeah, baby.
That's right. You might
wanna close that flue, though.
Leave me alone, man. Get back.
Looks Iike we better put a cap
on that chimney.
These guys will drive you batty.
Night, neighbor.
I'm sick of you.
Chuck!
What?
-Hey, Chuck.
-Yeah?
What's going on
with my glass door?
Frame rotted. Ripped it out,
ordered a new one.
Triple-pane xenon-filled.
Pricey, yes...
...but it'II probably pay for itself
in 1 5, 20 years max.
What's going on?
I need the water back.
I'm guessing you didn't get
the memo.
I posted it on the fridge Iate
Iast night. "Water off, 8 a.m. sharp."
And I don't want you to spiral into
a worry tizzy about the H2O.
It turns out your water
is pure as driven snow.
It's the pipes that are the problem.
They're completely corroded.
You wanna show him?
I pulled this disgusting piece of pipe
from under your house.
Can you see through that?
Yeah, I didn't think so.
If that was your artery,
you'd be dead by now.
Or one side of your body would be,
Iike, totally paralyzed.
Show him just exactly what
you plan to replace it with.
This is 1 -inch copper piping.
I'm gonna use this for the verticals,
half-inch for the horizontals.
Your water pressure's gonna be
hovering at around 1 50 psi...
...give or take a psi.
Is that good?
That is insane.
Insane, huh?
Insane sounds expensive.
Hey, Chuck, I Iike this guy.
-He's the best. The best.
-He's funny.
AII right, fellas,
Iet's go Iay some pipe.
Come on, fellas, this way.
Through the bedroom.
So Chuck thinks we should try
the Bradley Method.
What's the Bradley Method?
It's natural childbirth.
You know what else
he was telling me?
We should actually consider
a home birth.
Home birth? With doctors coming
all in the house and stuff?
-Yeah.
-I'm not sure.
Okay. Well, you know,
we could always have a midwife.
You mean Chuck?
He studied in Switzerland.
-So?
-What do you mean, "so"?
I don't want him
coming nowhere near you.
The thought of Chuck
just makes my stomach hurt.
AII right. Well, I guess
we'II just have to talk about it Iater.
Good night.
-Chuck.
-Nick.
Chuck.
Hey there, Iittle buddy.
Chuck making
your stomach hurt too?
Yeah, go ahead,
help yourself. It's okay.
You seem Iike a nice guy.
Come to me.
Hey there, Iittle buddy.
You wanna be my friend, don't you?
Well, truth be told, I need a--
Where is she?
She went to a party
at Danny's house.
Dry-rot Danny?
Thanks for picking me up, man.
I remember sneaking out of
my bedroom when I was that age.
Sweet, stolen kisses in the night.
-Sometimes more than kisses, right?
-Wrong.
-Right? Right?
-Wrong. Wrong.
Whatever they're doing,
I'm sure it's perfectly innocent.
For goodness' sake,
she's almost grown up. She's 1 5.
She's only 1 3.
Practically a baby, man.
I really don't wanna have this
conversation with you.
Enough of this.
Easy there, partner. That's my wife.
-That's your wife?
-Yeah.
-This is your wife?
-Right there.
I Iove the way your family
treats you Iike an adult.
Ever since Mom married Nick,
I've been treated Iike a kid.
Well, you're way too
grown-up and pretty for that.
-Lindsey.
-Nick?
You're busted. Now, get up,
because you're grounded.
And you, you fired.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, brah.
Hang Ioose.
Brah. You fired too. And your Iittle
brother. So hang Ioose with that, brah.
I hate you.
Well, I'm not exactly your biggest fan
right now either. Go wait in the car.
Chuck, Iet's go.
Chuck!
Chuck!
Oh, Nick.
That was quite a night Iast night,
huh, Nick?
Hey, Linds-o.
Good morning, Lindsey.
Lindsey. Good morning.
Good morning.
Looks Iike she's still mad at you.
Yeah, well, this ain't
a popularity contest.
Nick?
Chuck! Come here, man.
Need a hug?
No, I don't need a hug.
I need my floors back.
It's termites, Nick.
Straight up had to go.
Want that hug now?
I'm getting tired of this.
You have one message.
Mr. Persons,
love the magazine idea.
But you are one month late
with the cover.
I've stalled the board
as long as I can.
Now it's my job on the line.
So, Nick, if you can't get Magic,
we'll have to move on.
Of course, that means refunding
your substantial cash advance.
I know you understand.
Thanks, doll. Call me.
And, wives, let's inhale,
taking in another deep breath.
And give it away on sound.
There we are.
And wives are now completely relaxed.
What's going on here?
Nick.
We're doing a sympathetic
breathing and birth--
Shut up.
I can't believe you're doing this
with him.
I can't believe you forgot
about our class.
Inhaling and staying in the exercise.
I'm trying to fix our house, which is
supposed to be Chuck's job.
Don't blame Chuck.
He's helping me right now.
Big breath. Big breath.
By rubbing all on you?
No, Nick, by supporting me.
I support you.
I support her.
I'm just trying to build our dream
house for us and the kids, that's all.
Y'all just get back to relaxing.
Rub on the belly or something.
You know, one of our mantras,
Nick, is that coupling is participation.
I know.
What we're gonna do now
is take our hand...
...and go in a circular motion
around and around....
That's the baby's house,
be very gentle. Around.
This may not be
the best time to tell you...
...your house needs
a new foundation.
Don't Iet that interrupt the flow.
-That's it! That's it!
-Nick!
Come on, Nick.
Somebody's having a bad day.
Now, be careful with that.
That is New England mahogany trim!
I bent over backwards to get it for you.
-What is up, Nick?
-This is what's up.
-You played me!
-No.
You knew this was a piece of junk
the minute you sold it to me.
I knew the minute I met you...
...that this home was meant for you!
You just needed a Iittle push.
Well, here's my push.
I should warn you, Nick.
I am trained in capoeira,
the Brazilian dance of war.
Yeah, I don't know karate,
but I know crazy.
Oh, Nick!
No!
That was a close one. Once it gets
going, man, is it hard to stop.
Get off me. You are fired!
What? Nick. Nickelback. Come on,
you can't blame me for all this.
No. I can. And I will. And I do!
I blame you for everything, Chuck.
It's all your fault.
I'm blaming you for the ozone Iayer,
global warming, the price on gas.
It's all your fault.
So get off my property,
get out my face and get out my Iife.
No, no, no, Nick. The good news here
is that all we need is some therapy.
Nick, we can work our way
through this, and guess what.
I'm a Iicensed couples therapist.
I am.
I see this tension happening
between contractors and clients...
...all the time.
It's the bread and butter
of my practice.
But just admit this one thing to me.
One thing.
What?
You never would've bought
this place if it hadn't been for me.
Exactly.
Why is that? I'II tell you why.
I'II tell you why that is.
Because I knew what you didn't.
Yes, I knew there was
more work to be done here.
But I also knew the value
of this place.
I knew that when you were done...
...that this was gonna
be a home for your family...
...not some stinking house. I got them
up to here, they're a dime a dozen.
But a home, a home, Nick.
This is it.
Your home.
Does this Iook Iike a home to you?
This is a mess!
I need you out of here, right now.
Well, if you--
If you can't see the value of a home
as opposed to a house...
...maybe I'm not your guy.
Where y'all going?
It's called Ioyalty, Mr. Persons.
We work for Chuck.
And if he goes, we go.
Well, then go.
I don't need none of you.
I can do it myself.
I don't know what you
were thinking, Nick.
You're gonna have to realize that
we're gonna have to hire Chuck back.
What? Oh, no, no.
That's never gonna happen, all right?
Nobody takes me for a ride...
...so he's never stepping foot
in this house again.
Chuck is caring, and he cares
about this family.
What he needs to do is move back
with his own family.
It's not normal for a contractor
to Iive with his clients, Suzanne.
I understand that, but it's been
fun having him around, Nick...
...and he's great with the kids.
No, he's not. He's the one tearing this
family apart, that's what he's doing.
He's the one tearing
this family apart?
You're the one tearing
this family apart, Nick.
-Me?
-Yes, you.
With your insane obsession
with this house.
You don't have to worry
about that anymore.
Got the perfect idea.
This house is driving
everybody crazy...
...so I say we just move on
and cut our Iosses.
Oh, and where are we gonna go,
Nick, to your condo?
Anywhere but here.
Nick. Nick. We cannot keep
uprooting our family Iike this.
Who was the one crying
that we needed a bigger place?
AII right? Now, I wouldn't
be stuck with this dump...
...if it wasn't for you
and these ungrateful kids.
Nick.
Suzanne, I didn't mean that. Come--
-Hold on. I didn't mean that.
-No. No. Don't touch me right now.
I'm just under so much pressure.
And I'm not under pressure?
I'm the one who's having babies
that I'm not even sure you want.
I really think you're overreacting.
I think we need to spend
some time apart, Nick.
Come on, now.
When we first got here, these kids
were not happy about being here...
...but now they're vested in this.
So, what are we gonna do? Just take
that all away because it's difficult?
Is that the thing you
wanna teach Kevin?
That when the going gets tough,
you just quit?
You should try putting that
on the cover of your magazine.
Look at you. I mean,
you quitting on me right now.
I am not quitting,
I just need time to think.
Suzanne.
Where you gonna go?
Oh, not you guys too?
Just cutting our Iosses.
Kevin, I know you understand.
Not now, Nick, I'm busy.
Well, you're gonna thank me
when we out of here.
You city kids and you know it.
Coco, get in the house.
I said, get in the house,
you ignorant mutt.
Coco!
Coco.
I'm sorry.
What you doing?
Jason Winchell caught an 8-pound
bass and brought it to school.
Well, actually, just the head.
But it was so big, you could fit
your whole hand in its mouth.
Chuck was supposed
to take me fishing.
That is, until you fired him.
You know what?
Why don't we just go now?
Really?
Come on. Let's try it.
Hey. I know it's been kind of hard,
making the move and all.
And I haven't actually been around.
Well, I've been around,
but I haven't been around, around.
Know what I mean?
-Yeah.
-Well...
...I'm here to Iet you know
that all that's gonna change.
Because FYI...
...I think you're a cool son.
Thanks.
And you're a cool dad.
Kevin!
What was that?
I don't know.
But he messed with the wrong kid.
Get him, Nick!
I got him! Stay back!
Yeah! You tell Jason Winchell
that the fish he caught...
...wasn't nothing but bait, baby!
Yeah!
Hey, hey. Hold up.
Forgetting something.
Lunch money.
Thanks. Bye.
-How's your mother?
-She's fine.
You're not gonna have
a heart attack out here, are you?
If I do, just pull my body
behind the shed.
My pleasure.
Lindsey.
I know you're still mad at me,
but I'm trying to get it right.
It's a new family, a new house.
It's all new to me.
But I'II try to be
more understanding.
Okay, okay, okay. I probably should've
handled the party a Iittle differently.
I'm sorry, Nick.
I should've asked you.
Does this mean
I can see Danny again?
Don't push it.
Go ahead and make your bus.
-Good morning, Mr. Rooney.
-Hey, hi, sweetie.
Hey. This is for you.
Thought maybe you could use this.
How's the house coming?
It's coming.
Hey, how is Chuck doing?
Don't know and don't care.
Boy, I hope he's okay.
This is a tough time of year for him.
Oh, yeah? Why's that?
His wife. He Iost his wife a few years
back around this time of year.
You didn't know, did you?
Oh, yeah, she was
really something special.
He's never been the same since.
She was his entire world.
- Hey, man.
- Hey.
I heard about EIIie.
Come in.
Hey, I got a Iittle organic
herbal maté going here.
Thanks.
-Can I tell you something?
-Yeah, shoot.
When I was working on
your home with you...
...to me...
...it felt Iike family.
It felt Iike the special stuff,
you know? The stuff you hang on to.
Stuff that's gone missing
around here for quite some time.
It's funny, I....
I can't even go inside anymore.
Look, Nick...
...I know I screwed your Iife up.
And I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry,
you got no idea.
You didn't screw my Iife up.
I did.
And you'II always
be a part of my family.
I actually came over here
to make sure you was okay.
I was so upset about how things
were going over at your place, I just....
I went ahead and Iet Magic know that
you really, really need to speak to him.
Man, that's great. That's great, man.
I really need it.
While I was at it, I also happened
to have put my Realtor's cap on...
...and I made a couple
of phone calls.
I got a Russian banker
coming out here next Friday.
Just might be very motivated.
If you get the roof up on that place,
you might be able to flip it.
Get out from underneath
the whole thing.
Well, Iet me get the roof on.
Do you have a nail gun with the
air compressor? The whole unit?
No. I'm old-school with it.
Oh, you're doing it old-school
between now and next Friday?
Maybe just borrow mine.
That'd be good.
Thanks, Chuck.
Thanks for everything.
You got it.
You can ground me Iater,
but right now, you need help.
Mr. P, the Iittle Pulu
has something to tell you.
I'm sorry about the party.
I should have never taken
Lindsey without asking you.
You got that right.
And if it's all right with you...
...me and my brothers would
really Iike to finish this job.
Hey, fellas! I got some great news.
Tremendous news.
We are not just working
on a house anymore.
From now on, we're committing
to finishing a home.
You heard it, baby.
We're gonna finish Nick's home.
Check that for dry rot.
You. I'm so darn proud
of you right now.
You're making me feel a Iittle
"Nickeladocious," I'm not gonna Iie.
I just wanna give you a hug on your
Nickelback, my old "Nickabocker."
My Nick at Nite.
Enough!
Well, you caught me just
in the "Nick o' time."
Is it a blessing or a curse?
Go ahead, try it.
Let's go. Hey, hey, hey.
-Suzanne.
-Nick.
Now, before you say anything,
I need to get this out, okay?
-Okay.
-Now, you was right, and I was a fool.
The house is just a house...
...and it'd never be a home
without you and the kids and--
-Yes, baby, I get it.
-I'm almost finished.
Would you please consider forgiving
me and coming back home?
Babies.
Babies? You know, we can work
on that once you drop those two.
I don't think it's
a good idea to--
-Babies.
-Babies?
-Babies, Nick!
-Oh, babies!
Okay. Let me get you to the car.
Come on. Come on.
-Honey, how far is the hospital?
-About a half-hour.
Nick, we can't wait that Iong!
We gotta. That's where the doctors
and nurses and all the equipment--
-You're hurting my hand now.
-Honey, it is happening now!
-Now?
-Now!
Okay, kids, get them bags
in the house.
Look, your mom about to have what
she always wanted, a home birth.
Oh, Nick. I Iove the floors. Teak?
Oh, no. That's bubinga.
Nick, slow it down. I'm hot, honey.
I'm hot. Get it off.
Well, what now?
I don't know. I thought you knew.
What you trying to say, baby?
Chuck!
Chuck? I'II go this way!
I'II go this way!
Oh, Nick, I'm gonna kill you.
- For what?
-You did this to me.
Hello? Nickster, how we--?
You what?
Okay. Keep this Iine open.
Chuck is in the truck.
Oh, come on!
Okay.
Baby, is he on his way?
That was him.
He's on his way. Don't worry.
-Everything gonna be fine.
-Are you sure?
Go wait for Chuck downstairs.
Hello? Nick? Chuck had
a Iittle trouble with the truck.
But don't worry, I'm on my way.
Man, just tell me what to do.
Okay, now, tell Suzanne to
stay calm, and to breathe.
Okay, you got to stay
calm and breathe.
-I'm breathing.
-She's breathing.
Now tell her to relax.
Maybe do the color imaging
we worked so very hard on.
Baby, relax!
Honey, I'm relaxing.
-Don't yell at me!
-Honey, I'm not yelling!
Keep her breathing, Nick.
Put Lindsey on the phone, please.
-He wants to talk to you.
-Why?
-Who knows? Here.
-Hey, Chuck.
I want you to Iisten very carefully.
I need you to grab me some things.
I need a bucket of hot water,
an oral thermometer...
...Iatex gloves, towels, a shoestring
and some jalapeño hot sauce.
Hot sauce?
Get that for me.
Put Nick on the phone.
-Okay, Chuck.
-I am almost there.
I want you to go into the bathroom
and get some hand sanitizer.
Don't tell me what to do.
I'm gonna go in the bathroom
and find the hand sanitizer.
Okay, got it. What now?
We're gonna use that
to sterilize your hands.
Why? I'm not touching nothing.
Nick, you are.
Oh, God, they're coming! Honey?
How far apart would you say
the contractions are?
Fast and furious, Chuck.
Fast and furious.
Pillow! I need a pillow.
Okay, game time, baby.
Go down there and see if
the first baby is crowning.
Come on, man, what that mean?
Can you see the baby?
Oh, God.
It's Iike the guppies all over again.
-Honey?
-Chuck, he's down.
That's what the
jalapeño hot sauce is for.
Give him a Iittle dash of that.
Hold on.
He's back.
-Put your father back on the phone.
-Yeah.
I need you to go in there,
grab that baby's head, gently.
For God's sake, gently.
Give it a pull. Then take the
shoestring and tie off the cord.
-Hello? Hello?
-Hello? Hello?
I Iost him. Are you sure
you don't wanna try a hospital?
Guess that means no.
Oh, so close. I just missed
the state record. Let's--
-How's the patient doing here?
-Oh, Chuck.
Let's go into our fun breathing.
Let's go into a deep, warm place,
and a quiet place.
Okay, quiet and deep.
Family, Iet's breathe together.
Now we're releasing on sound.
Nick, I can't take that noise.
I can't take that noise.
Hey, Iook, I'm having a baby.
I can't talk right now.
-Yo, Nick, it's Earvin Johnson.
-Magic?
Chuck Mitchell said you need
to talk to me.
Look, my wife having a baby
right now. We can't talk.
I remember when I had mine.
Yup. That's how I remembered it.
Tell Magic Chuck-dog said,
"Holler. Much respect. You the man."
Chuck-dog said,
"Much respect. You the man."
Tell Chuck-dog he's the man.
Yo, Chuck, he said you the man.
Oh, natch. That's so Magic.
Hey, man, what's up with the
Lakers, man? Y'all need a center.
He wants to talk to you, Chuck.
Roundy-round. Roundy-round.
Hello?
You got your hands full over there.
Ask Nick if he has
any more questions for me.
You have any questions
for the greatest point guard...
...in the history of the NBA?
Oh, yeah. In that '85 series
against the Celtics...
...was that a true crossover?
Because it Iooked--
Knock it off!
So gotta go. Bye, Buck.
-I need you, baby.
-Look, it's showtime now, okay?
-We got this. We got this. AII right?
-Okay. We got this. Okay.
Oh, God.
Told you it'd be beautiful.
Oh, before I forget, I got you
kind of a homewarming gift.
AII the best.
Yo, Chuck.
Thanks for coming back, man.
You kidding me?
I'm stuck on you, Nick.
And so it goes.
You know, sometimes life
throws you a changeup...
...and you've just got to adjust.
I never did finish
the sports magazine.
Instead, I started something
completely different.
A different magazine,
a lot closer to my heart...
...inspired by rebuilding this house.
It's called Are We Done Yet?
And that's the story on how
we built our dream house.
Thank you.
So I want to thank you all for coming.
Enjoy the party.