Voila! Finally, the Around The Bend script is here for all you fans of the Christopher Walken, Michael Caine, Josh Lucas, and Glenne Headly movie . This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. At least you'll have some Around The Bend quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?
And swing on back to Drew's
Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.
Around The Bend Script
Shit.
Henry, it's 1:00.
I was drumming for an idea.
Yeah. I heard.
Jason, sit down. Sit down.
Listen to this:
"And after an arduous
disembowelment procedure...
...the body was hauled off
to a marshy area...
...placed atop a large pyre...
...where it was slowly devoured
by vultures and rodents...
...while the tribe looked on and danced."
- A man dies, he's gotta serve his tribe.
- You don't have a tribe, Henry.
Yes, I do.
You're my tribe.
You and the boy. And Sky there.
Aren't you, Sky?
Keep looking for your funeral idea...
...because your tribe is not dancing
while rodents eat you.
Jason.
- I want us to go on a trip.
- I know you do, Henry.
Yeah. One last dig. We'll fix up the van.
- What? It's a perfectly good...
- It's not perfectly good.
It's a classic.
There's nothing wrong with that van.
- I'll see you in the morning, all right?
- I may not make it to the morning.
Well, wake me up before you kick so
I can tell you what I really think of you.
Hey.
- Something's different about my nanny.
- She's a nurse.
Well, whatever she is,
she gave me a woody.
Goddamn it.
Well, I guess that's natural.
Well, of course it's natural. I didn't
say an alligator came out of my ass.
Good night, Henry.
Yeah?
How can you watch this?
They relax me.
In Denmark, we didn't have horror.
Henry asked for your father again.
We should find him.
I don't know how to do that.
You see that screaming woman?
She is the mother of that bloody person.
Family is important at death.
- Good night, Katrina.
- Good night.
Dad.
- Papa Henry's drumming again.
- Come on.
Hey, Dad?
Are we gonna make Papa Henry
into a mummy when he dies?
Did he tell you that?
No, we're not gonna make him
into a mummy, Zach.
Are we gonna stuff him?
- Henry.
- What do you want?
Come out of there.
A priest wore that 1000 years ago.
- Where'd you get it?
- I stole it.
Stole it right out of the goddamn ground.
That's what an archeologist does.
Can we not advocate theft until
he's at least old enough to drive, please?
Nonsense. Some things
want to be stolen.
The Lair family have a history
of thievery, Zach.
It's nothing to be ashamed of.
Now, banking,
there's a shameful occupation.
Jason. Can I see you?
What is it?
Your father is downstairs.
He wants to cross threshold.
- What?
- Threshold.
Do you think the drumming
made him come?
- Who?
- Your father.
You're Jason.
Kind of like two dogs, huh?
Excuse me?
I got your letter about Henry.
I sent it four years ago.
You got...
...my letters?
When you were a kid, I wrote.
Sent money too, I think.
Dad?
Come here, baby. It's cold.
Who are you?
Granddad.
That's how it works, I think.
You're not dead anymore.
Resurrected.
What the hell is going on?
Henry...
Turner is outside.
Goddamn, boy.
You came back. You came back.
Get me dressed.
My family's going out to a fancy place.
Katrina, bring a chair over. Come join us.
This is family time.
You're not eating, Jason.
You know I don't like chicken, Henry.
What about you, Turner?
You wanna eat some bird?
Vegetarian.
Fucking hell. What in God's name has
happened to the men in this family?
Language, Henry.
My mom's a vegetarian.
- Where is she?
- We're separated...
- They're getting a divorce.
- It's a trial separation.
She's painting in Nipple.
- Nepal, Zach. It's Nepal.
- Nipple is funnier.
- Nipple is funnier.
- Yeah. Yeah.
Where's your wife?
She died.
Long time ago.
- Are you still a criminal?
- Zach.
Henry said he was a criminal.
It's nice having the family
together again, huh?
Nice, happy, normal family.
Hey. Whiskey for everyone.
I like whiskey. Skoal!
- Want a snort, Turner?
- Henry.
- I can't drink it anymore.
- I'll take some.
Jesus. Okay. Soda, water,
I don't give a crap. Let's have a toast.
- To my boys. They came back. Cheers.
- Cheers.
Hey.
Katrina, come... Take a picture.
Jason, come here. Get close.
- So are you ready?
- We're ready. Smile.
- Is it okay?
- Yeah.
Remember that?
New Mexico.
We're going back. All of us.
We'll take a trip. The family.
- I can't, Henry.
- Of course you can.
We'll fix up the van.
One last dig. All of us.
But I'm catching a bus in the morning.
A bus?
Where to?
You just got back, son. I mean...
...you just got home.
I can't stay, Henry.
You're not ready.
You're still on the stairway.
Zach, I'm serious. Give it to me.
It's bedtime, Zach.
Are you glad your dad's
not dead anymore?
He never was dead, Zach.
Are you happy to see him?
Sure, I am.
Henry.
Some of us...
...are more broken than others.
What are you talking about, Henry?
A family carries each other.
I carried you. You carried me.
We have to carry him.
Leave me.
- What just happened?
- I don't know.
Well, what did you and Henry
just talk about?
I told him I had to leave.
Leave when?
In the morning. I'm catching a bus.
It got him upset, I think.
Okay, Jason, I go see him.
Your bed is ready.
You and the boy go to the zoo a lot.
Yeah, we go on Sundays.
- Every Sunday?
- Usually.
What do you do?
- I work at a bank.
- I mean at the zoo.
Can we not do this?
Henry wanted to see you before he died,
but I don't feel like...
...filling in the blank of my life
before your bus.
They're all dicks. If they stay or go,
if they're mean or nice.
We're dads. We're dicks.
It's not our fault.
He's not my father.
- Why did he leave?
- I have no idea.
He just left?
My mom and I were in this car accident
when I was 2. That's how I hurt my leg.
She died.
Afterwards, Turner just shot dope
around the clock...
...till he finally just disappeared.
And then he showed up today.
After 30 years?
Fuck. He's still your father.
- Would you stop saying that.
- He's your father.
He's not my father. Henry is.
Maybe. But Darth Vader didn't raise
Luke, but he still talks in his head:
"Luke, join me. Come to the dark side."
George Lucas didn't make that up.
That shit happens.
Can I get a shot for my friend
Yoda here, please?
I need your help, boy.
What's Albuquerque?
It's where we're going, son.
Only...
...that's gonna be our secret. Okay?
I need your word, Zach.
Good lad. Sit down.
Hello?
What?
They're where?
They're coming, sir.
Go back to sleep, Zach.
The boys are coming.
The boys are coming.
Zach.
So, what's with the bag? What's in it?
I don't know. Chicken, I guess.
Henry wouldn't have just
given us chicken, Turner.
I'd stay if I could.
Be okay with all...? All this?
I'm sorry about Henry.
And I'm... I'm sorry about earlier too.
I just...
We haven't exactly had time
to sit down...
Is this about now?
What?
Is it about now, because if it's about
a lot of ancient stuff...
...we can't do anything about,
then I don't want to discuss it.
Do you like horror?
No.
- Want coffee?
- No.
Socially acceptable drug. Coffee.
Ever do heroin?
- No.
- That's good.
- You sure you don't want coffee?
- No.
I made a pot.
What time is your bus?
I'm gonna have to miss it.
This from Henry?
Son of a bitch. He did it.
- That's a will?
- Yes. And it's very cogent too.
He even had it witnessed.
He's got a cook...
At a Kentucky Fried Chicken
stand, Albert? Come on.
Their literature refers to them
as restaurants.
And I think they prefer KFC,
but anyway, it's a cook...
...and one of the customers,
Dorothy O'Connor.
Oh, Henry.
- She had the two-piece box.
- What's she doing?
- There used to be a door here.
- Mom, this isn't our apartment.
- We live upstairs.
- Right here.
- What's it say?
- The will? As his lawyer, I can't tell you.
- Why?
- Why did you take the door away?
- What do you mean, you can't tell me?
- This is Jason's place, Mom.
This is not our apartment.
- He wanted it read after the funeral.
- What funeral?
Turner's letter deals with
the funeral arrangements.
You got a letter? And you got a letter.
- I didn't get a letter.
- You got a Post-it.
- I got a Post-it.
- Is it cogent?
- No. Actually, it's not cogent.
- What's it say?
- What does your letter say?
- Some of it was private.
What does the not-private part say?
"Dear Turner, this bag
is to be opened...
...at the KFC restaurant where
we had our final meal as a family.
Please bring the ashes with you.
Also bring Jason and Zach. I love you.
I'm sorry I'm dead. " Signed, "Henry. "
- They're not even ashes. They're bones.
- Mom.
- Cremation?
- As far as I know. Except...
They're smashed-up bones.
They should tell you that.
If you want to stay,
you're gonna have to behave.
- Except what?
- He wants to be with Sky.
- "With Sky," what?
- Cremated with him.
- Sky isn't dead.
- Maybe he wanted you to kill the dog.
- He is old.
- Come on. We gotta go.
Don't worry.
We don't have to kill the dog.
We're not gonna kill the dog.
Henry said he's gonna die today.
Sky?
Sky?
"Dear tribe: First off, I would like
to welcome you all to my funeral.
I wish I was there with you.
Please begin by taking out the bag...
...that is inside the bag you were given."
Okay. Let's see.
"Inside this bag you will find: one,
a pair of Post-its, one pink, one blue.
Two, a map. Three, another bag.
The pink Post-it will tell you
exactly where to make...
...the first disposal of Sky's
and my remains.
The blue Post-it will detail the ritual
to take place there.
The map will direct you to the KFC
establishment where you are to dine."
- Oh, my God.
- "Open the next bag and so on...
...until there is nothing left of me.
I love you all. Henry."
It's pretty clear, right?
We shouldn't do this.
I spoke to the people at the cemetery...
...where Henry already has a plot,
next to your mother...
...and they said they would be
willing to intern...
...Henry and Sky's remains in the plot.
Ring, ring, ring...
Zach. I need...
Yeah. Hello? No. Barney, look, I'm in...
I can't talk to him right now. Hello, sir.
- Tell him you're in the middle of a funeral.
- Tell him you're at a funeral at KFC.
- Which Post-it was the first one?
- The pink, I think.
It's top priority, and I'm going
to go see them. Zach, please.
He wants us to start
at my mother's grave.
We aren't doing that.
Now, just give me one second.
I think it's important too, sir.
Can I, just, in two minutes...
Can I call you back? Turner.
- I'll take care of it.
- Where is he going?
Just wait here for me for a sec.
Zach, I'm serious.
I want you just to stay here
for two seconds, okay?
Zach, I'm not kidding.
I need you just to stay here.
Turner. We are not doing this.
I didn't come here to deal with you.
Well, now you have to!
Now, you can't take...
Let's just go back inside and figure out
something that works for everyone.
Tell Zach I'm glad I met him. You too.
He wants you to know, Mom, that
he thinks about you every single day.
Turner.
And that he...
He's sorry about
the change in plan. Ashes.
And he wanted to sing you a song.
Oh, my God.
He wanted you to have this.
And this is from me.
Turkey sandwich, extra mayo.
Zach.
A little Sky.
A little bit of Sky.
Jason.
- Come on.
- Come on. Come.
Look, how long do you think
this is gonna take?
What's the first stop?
Death Valley.
How about a lift so we can pack?
Not necessary.
Katrina has already packed you both.
You're kidding me, right?
Where did you get this?
- It was a gift.
- Someone gave you a brand-new...
...sterling silver spoon as a gift?
- Yep.
Did you steal it?
Sometimes a thing wants to be stolen.
That's right, Zach. It's true.
How can I help you? Oh, hello.
Nice to see you.
- How much is this spoon?
- That's $ 199.50. It's lovely, isn't it?
- We'd like to pay for it now.
- I don't understand.
My father left here the other day without
paying for it. We'd like to pay for it now.
- But it was a gift.
- From who?
- From me.
- You know him? You know my father?
- We have mutual friends.
- Tell him.
We're both in AA.
Excuse me.
My name's Marion.
I'm an alcoholic, we met at a meeting.
Hi, Marion.
He told me about his father.
I recently lost mine.
Anyway, your father didn't have
the money for the spoon we liked.
And I get a discount here,
so I bought it for him.
You thought that was funny,
didn't you?
Kind of, yeah.
You did have a history
of places like this.
I do. Yes.
Just talk to him, Barn. Look...
- What are you doing?
- I'm collecting.
- Hey, Grandpa Turner?
- Yep.
Why did you go away...
...when my daddy was a little boy?
Did he do something to make you mad?
No.
Then why'd you go away?
Well, what's it say?
Turner.
There's a ranch near here.
It's where my mother lived
when Henry met her.
"I can still remember her...
...standing there in the barn...
...the warm sunlight behind her.
So young, beautiful.
Her small, firm breasts shining..."
- He doesn't know what breasts are.
- I know what breasts are. Titties.
This is ridiculous.
- Titties, he said titties.
- No.
We don't get to look at the map
until after the dispersal part of the ritual.
Fine. Let's disperse. Come on, Zach.
Henry wanted us to share a meal
before each spooning.
Knock yourself out.
How far is the ranch?
- I'm not hungry.
- The meal thing is part of the ritual.
He did not say we have to eat chicken
at every single stop...
Don't bitch to me. I'm the vegetarian.
Thinking about a woman, Zach?
Yep.
- Jason, how about you?
- Yes.
Who you thinking about?
Did the Post-it say
"think about a woman"...
...or "talk about thinking
about a woman"?
- Tina Turner.
- Tina. That's hot.
So, what are you and Tina doing?
You balling?
- What's balling?
- It's...
Zach, it's... It's playing catch.
- You're playing catch with Tina?
- No. No, we're singing.
Singing?
- What, you got a problem with that?
- No, it's just not real sexy.
I didn't hear "sex fantasy,"
I heard "think about a woman."
Who you thinking about, Zach?
Alice, she lives next door.
She kissed me once.
- She kissed you?
- Zach heard "sex fantasy."
- Who are you thinking about, Grandpa?
- Louise Pearce.
Buck-naked, in her mama's car.
Maybe Alice will play catch with me
naked sometime...
Okay. Just blow the ashes.
Henry wanted us to listen to it loud.
Only kidding.
Shit.
We'll come back in the morning.
- I'll wake Zach, we can open the bags.
- We can't do that.
- Why not?
- Henry wants us to open the bags inside.
He said at a KFC stand,
not in a KFC stand.
- Literature calls them restaurants.
- Fine.
Right. And you don't eat at restaurants,
you eat in restaurants.
- You're kidding me, right?
- No, I'm not.
Okay, then how do you explain that?
Do the cars eat their chicken in,
or do they eat their chicken at?
I don't know. Either way,
they eat their chicken.
We cannot, because we don't
have any chicken.
And that's why we're not
opening the bag out here.
Excuse me.
Excuse me. Hey.
- We're closed.
- Yeah. Can I talk to you for a second?
- The registers are closed.
- We don't need it.
Look, I'll give you 100 bucks
for three drumsticks.
I'm sorry.
- I say we make an exception.
- No.
- Look, we're just gonna skip one meal.
- No!
Why not?
The place doesn't open until 11.
We're here. Let's get it over with.
What is the big deal?
The big deal,
it's not what Henry wanted.
You don't wanna be here,
I'll take you back.
- I didn't say I didn't wanna be here.
- Then act like it.
You think you're the only one
whose life got interrupted by this.
I need this about as much
as I need a bullet in my head.
I don't know about you, but Henry
never asked me to do a thing...
...in his entire life, and he asked me
to do this, and I'm doing it!
Not your way or my way, but his way.
Are we gonna stop or are we
gonna sleep in the van?
I gotta pee.
But if you choose not to abide by
Henry's wishes as he wrote them...
...then the will names Turner
as the sole beneficiary.
- Of what?
- Henry's things.
The collection is worth about $ 220,000.
Hello? You there?
Who gets the things if we do this?
Zach. Henry knew you wouldn 't
deprive Zach of his inheritance.
I don 't think that he ever cared much
for you working in that bank.
It's about time.
You guys really love your chicken.
You have no idea, man.
Hey, has anybody seen my phone?
Damn it.
- Zach, you seen my phone?
- No.
- Goddamn it.
- You're kind of a tense person.
You get that from
your mother's people, I think.
Pull the van over.
Turner, pull the van over.
I don't know what etiquette book you
referenced before your homecoming...
...but I don't think they advise
insulting people you left behind.
When did I insult you?
- You called me tense.
- You called me thief.
- You were a thief!
- You were tense. You still are.
Okay. Fine. Maybe right now,
at this point, I am tense.
That does not make me a tense person.
Fair enough.
Fair enough.
I was also a musician.
- What?
- I wasn't just a thief.
In case you wanna update
your point of view.
Yeah. Okay. Let's update
my point of view.
Let's update yours too.
What, are you kidding me?
You show up here after, what,
850 years and think you get to decide...
...what we get to talk about.
Fuck you, man. Fuck you.
We're not just gonna talk about
the present.
So you can forget the part about walking
out on your family? I didn't forget.
This isn't the first thing
Henry's asked me to do.
He's asked me to do a million things
and I've been happy to do them.
So you don't have the market cornered
on helping Henry. There.
We updated?
Hey, Dad?
Why did Grandpa Turner have to sleep
someplace else last night?
Who's that?
That's me.
I think that's my mom.
What's on the back of it?
"My boy."
Did you go on digs with him?
I wanted him to leave it all
in the ground. The pottery, the bones.
It didn't belong up here.
But...
...my father loved...
...digging up old shit.
Oh, excuse me.
I'm looking for Henry Lair.
He's dead, so he can't come to the door.
Dead.
I'm sorry.
Actually, I'm looking for his son, Turner.
Why?
Have we tried the Extra Crispy?
Did we like it?
So how long will you be with us?
Just the night.
Stop.
Oh, that's my Grandpa Henry.
He's dead.
I recently lost my...
Ruth. For God's sake, Ruth.
I should never have let her
keep the thing.
It's her brother. Every time
she looks at him, this happens.
His own children didn't want
the damn thing.
Why does she got to keep
the ashes? It's sick.
I didn't...
Are you...?
- You keeping yours?
- No.
Good for you. I mean, dead bodies
are not meant to be...
...inside of people's houses.
- It's sick.
- The keys, please.
- Oh, yes. Of course. Have a good night.
- Good night.
You know, I remember that.
What's Bullhead?
Kind of like this weird
shark-fish thing. Really ugly.
- On your way, huh?
- Yep.
Listen, I wonder if you could
do us a favor.
Could you take this?
- Take it for what?
- Well, for, you know, scattering with...
- What's it for?
- He's bringing the ashes.
Is it okay with your wife?
It was her idea. She, you know...
Ruth. Come here.
She just, you know,
couldn't ask you herself.
We'd really appreciate it.
Put him anywhere.
Just get them out of here.
- He wants us to take the ashes.
- For...?
You have a spoon?
- A spoon?
- Maybe we should mix.
What?
Never mind.
We've been mixing the dog's in.
The ashes are probably all
mixed up together anyway.
- I don't know.
- It's not gonna matter. Okay.
- Take care.
- Bye.
- You can't find them?
- We don't think...
...Turner's dangerous.
- He broke out of prison and has my son.
He didn't break out. He walked out.
And I assure you we'll find them.
- Katrina, stop crying.
- Sorry.
Are you going somewhere?
Yeah, my work is done now.
I go home to Århus.
A woman who slept with a fugitive.
- You slept with Turner?
- Oh, dear.
Well, it's okay. Jason said
I'm allowed to have boyfriends.
He's... He's not a boyfriend.
He's Jason's father.
So? In Denmark, people's fathers
can be boyfriends too.
- Thanks.
- Where are we?
We're here, somewhere.
Yeah. Right there.
Zach, did Henry tell you
where we're going?
Going to Albuquerque?
Owen, your dog's out in the back again.
Goddamn it.
Silver! Get over here! Now!
Where's Zach?
- What?
- Where's Zach?
Stay in the fucking truck!
Tell your kid to stay away
from my fucking dog.
What? What are you looking at?
How much is he?
- What?
- Your dog.
Fuck you. He ain't for sale.
I'd like to buy him anyway.
You ask me again, somebody else
will end up with your Social Security.
Okay, Turner, let's just go.
- Go!
- You're stealing his dog?
I didn't steal it.
- What do you mean, you didn't steal it?
- Traded for it.
Traded for it with what?
Silver!
Silver!
Goddamn it!
Where were you? Before?
Lots of places.
Well, most recently.
Prison.
- What for?
- Nothing too bad. Didn't do it.
Ever went to prison?
No.
Where was the bus headed?
Down near Mexico.
Why? Why there?
A certain time.
And a woman.
We made love on this...
...big rock.
It was pretty good.
Anyway, that's where
the bus was going.
Wake up.
Grandpa Turner's dancing.
He's dancing.
Grandpa, what are you doing?
- Dancing, Zach.
- What are you dancing for?
I'm dancing for you, Zach.
Why?
Dancing. For our tribe.
Hey, look who's up.
Want some coffee?
You look awful.
Maybe you're too old to dance.
Last map.
Go ahead.
You want me to do it?
Sorry I couldn't tell you,
Grandpa Turner.
Tell him what?
Why Albuquerque?
Oh, man.
You okay?
Maybe we should improvise, huh?
Go ahead.
Some stairway.
See you later, alligator.
He didn't say anything?
Turner!
Turner!
Turner!
Where do you think he went?
- Why did he take the dog?
- Zach, I don't know.
I don't know.
I wanna go home.
Mom!
I missed you.
Thank you for picking him up.
Do you know where he is?
No. He said he was headed
somewhere down near Mexico.
I guess he balled some girl there.
They have cartoons.
Can I keep watching?
It's fine.
The FBI guy was impressed with him.
The doctor at prison told him Turner
should've been dead a week ago.
What?
Oh, my God. You don't know?
No. I don't know. What?
He walked out of a prison hospital
during a blackout.
He was getting dialysis.
His kidneys stopped functioning
six months ago.
He didn't tell you?
Jesus, Turner.
What are you doing here?
What is this place?
Wasn't like this.
We lived here after your mother died.
Why did Henry send us here?
Spite.
Henry's last wish.
Spite.
I thought it was for us.
So we could know each other again...
...but he just wanted to dig up shit
one last time.
Why? What happened here?
I'm not doing this.
I was a junkie when I lived here.
- Turner, what happened here?
- I'm the...
I'm not even that person anymore.
Ancient stuff.
You did something here, didn't you?
She was my breath.
When she died...
...I had no breath anymore.
You understand?
Henry didn't send us here for spite.
- You bet your ass he did.
- He did it so I could forgive you.
All my Post-it said was "Forgive him."
What am I forgiving you for, Turner?
What am I forgiving you for?
What happened here...
What?
There's no forgiveness.
What happened on the stairway, Turner?
Just tell me.
What happened on the stairway?
You were not in the car.
- What?
- With your mother.
You were never in a car accident.
What'd you do? Did you...?
Did you drop me?
- Did you get fucked up?
- Fucked up?
- You got fucked up and dropped me?
- I was gone!
- Just say it.
- No.
- Say it. Say you...
- No!
- You dropped me.
- No!
- Say it.
- Nobody dropped you!
Get it?!
I threw you, kid.
I threw my boy.
I threw my boy.
And...
Get in the bus.
I'm not doing that.
Yes, you are.
I'm not going back.
Turner, I'm not gonna take you back.
I'm gonna take you
where you wanna go.
Near Mexico, right?
You okay?
Good. Never better.
Soon.
We'll get there soon.
So why there?
It's where I was going in the first place.
Why?
Going to the rock.
It's where you come from.
The woman I made love with
on that rock...
...was your mother.
Turner?
Turner?
You ready?
Is this Grandpa Turner's rock?
Yeah.
You wanna pour, Zach?
- Sure.
- Pour it out with me?
It's pretty heavy.
Hey. Let me give you a hand.
Okay.
How about I pour him this way.