Voila! Finally, the Bart Got A Room script is here for all you fans of the William H. Macy and Cheryl Hines movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. At least you'll have some Bart Got A Room quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?
And swing on back to Drew's
Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.
Bart Got A Room Script
One two three four!
- How about the paralegal?
- Which paralegal?
- The one at the beach?
- Herb's son-in-law? No, he's an idiot.
Okay, look.
I'm not ready yet.
How could you not be ready?
You'll be divorced in a month.
All right, shush.
Danny, I hear
you're selling trees now.
Yeah.
- For the prom.
He's in charge of the whole thing.
- Oh, yeah?
- Who are you taking?
- What?
- You got a cute girlfriend?
- Uh...
- A friend.
- Yeah, just...
- A friend you're dating?
No. Well, she's...
- been my friend for a long time.
- Not dating?
- Not a date?
- leave him alone. He's working on it.
'Cause that's a big night.
I lost my virginity that night.
Yeah, well,
I've got a couple of options.
- Sakalov?
- Too tall for you,
like Big Bird tall.
Saperstein?
- With the long chin?
- What about Richter?
- I'd go with Richter.
- Nah, she's taken.
- Who?
- Bart.
- Yeah, right.
- Seriously.
Yeah, she's going with him.
- Like... wait.
- Yeah, she agreed to it.
- With Bart?
- Yup.
- Bart Beeber?
- It's probably just a sympathy thing.
- Yeah, but I mean... that's like...
- Dude, just forget it.
What about that sophomore
you drive to school?
Alice? Yeah yeah,
I'm thinking of her.
She's a cheerleader,
so she's limber.
- She's cute, yeah.
- It's a way to save face.
I mean, we talk
every day in the car, so...
You know what
it comes down to...
the photo at the end
of the night.
- That's your proof.
- And what do I do about Camille?
What if she asks?
Yeah, 'cause, I mean,
we've been friends for... I don't know...
- eight, maybe nine years.
- Dude, what other evening
in your whole life is as big?
Maybe your wedding night,
but who cares about that? Odds are
you're getting divorced, anyway.
- So what are you saying?
- Are you here
burning up
in this humid lizardy bullshit to die?
Or are you here to live?
#Be aggressive, B-E aggressive #
# B-E A-G-G-R-E-S-S-l-V-E
aggressive. #
- Hey.
Whoo!
Umm, are you sure
you don't want to come in?
'Cause, you know,
I could probably get you in.
No, it's fine.
I'll just hang out.
Okay, well, you know,
I'll just be...
I'll just be
a few more minutes.
Okay.
Yeah.
- Gertie.
- "A Night to Remember,"
except... and here's the catch...
with a K for a medieval theme.
Yeah.
But with a K.
Kurt, do you got anything?
"Putting on the Ritz."
"Putting on the Ritz," yeah.
I like that, 'cause it's simple.
What?
Gertie, we didn't...
we didn't vote yet.
Uh...
What do you think?
"This moment forever."
So do you know
who you're taking yet?
Oh, you know, I'm just...
I'm just kind of waiting
to see, you know.
Just not with Camille or...
No no. No, I mean, l...
I've got a couple
of options I'm working on.
Well, there's...
there's this one girl l...
uh, I don't think you know her.
She's... well,
I'm just kind of waiting
for the right time to...
I mean, do you not like Camille?
Huh. No. No, she's your platonic.
Look, this thing's
about romance, you know?
I mean, you dress up,
you wear a flower, you slow dance.
Well yeah, you know,
I guess that's why
I'm trying to wait
to ask this one girl.
Personally, I think
it would be so cool to go.
With anyone or just...
Well, definitely not
with a hi-bye friend, no.
No. Right. Yeah.
You know,
I was telling Rhoda why
so many seniors are losers
and why you're not.
First off, you're definitely
more than a hi-bye friend.
And you don't
condescend to me...
this naive little sophomore
that you take home.
- Yeah, seniors can be...
- I've been thinking about it
and the way that I see it,
you're kind of like
your car, you know?
Seriously, your car isn't fancy
but it's not ghetto.
You're not a BMW,
you're not a Mercedes,
but you're not
a Chevy Metro either.
It's just this
reliable old Buick.
It doesn't need a lot of pretension.
It's not some macho machine
that has to flaunt
all its features or something.
It's just... there. It's cozy.
Anyway, could you imagine
Friedman driving this thing?
Or Buchwald?
Don't you think that's true?
Don't you think your car represents
who you are in every facet?
You know, I feel kind of weird
'cause you were talking
about how I'm like my car
- and now like...
- No, Danny, that doesn't apply now.
It's like if you bumped
your arm or something.
It doesn't affect your personality
when you bump your arm.
Don't worry about it.
- What? I just want to tell her...
- No no, Dad.
Shh, look, I want to hear this.
Okay, so both times I spoke
on the phone to her,
she says she doesn't
date over 40.
I'm 52, so I lied...
I said I was 39, but, I mean...
That's okay. I mean, yeah,
you look it anyway.
Yeah, okay,
'cause Danny's got that also.
We both have that boyish face.
- Okay.
- Yeah, Danny definitely has that.
Okay, wrap it up.
I don't want to hear about it, no.
Dad...
No, forget it.
I finally saw it
with my own eyes.
You would not believe
the signs this girl was giving him.
I've never seen anything like it.
It was uncanny
how many signs
she was giving him.
Dad, she's a tease.
You don't know.
His problem is
he's so insecure, he's blind.
Didn't you see the way she put
her arm on your shoulder like this?
All the time like this.
And what's with the lips?
Every time she's looking at him,
she's licking her lips.
All right, whatever.
I'll ask her.
What a person does with their body
when they're looking at you...
like if she's looking at you
and she opens up her body to you,
twirls her hair,
moves her tongue or...
This girl likes you.
I'm telling you.
She kissed you!
She probably just wants
to go as a sophomore.
- She's using me.
- Even if she did, who cares?
You're gonna have
a great picture.
I don't know what
he's worried about.
He's got so much going for him:
He's vice president of his class,
first chair in the trumpet...
...not to mention honor society;
He came in third place
at the Optimist Oratorical
Contest last year.
Honey, did you want to meet Bob now?
Uh, just...
just give me a second.
Well, he's here
and he's anxious to meet you.
I heard you're a real scholar.
I told him about your award.
I heard you're great on the trumpet.
All right,
just give me a second.
I'll get that.
- Hey.
- It's not... it's not that big a deal,
just... here.
- Whatever.
- What is it?
- Hi, Camille.
- Hi, how are you?
- Well, who is this?
- Camille, this is Bob.
Any friend
of Danny's is a friend of mine.
Sincerely. I mean that.
- Well, I've got to run.
- Well, give my love to your family.
Okay.
- Hello, this is Beth.
- She's a doll, that Camille.
And you're going to continue, right?
Yeah, just, uh...
Oh, shit.
"Danny, I have
a feeling you and I are thinking
the same thing here,
so I'm just gonna
come out and say it.
If you think back on how much
we've shared together
since we were little kids,
it almost seems funny
that we've avoided
the inevitable up until now."
"Maybe you have other plans,
and if you do,
I'll cut you some slack.
The bottom line is,
you're my best friend no matter what
and I think
it would be so much fun
if we went together
to the prom."
Danny! Hi, honey.
How are you?
- Oh.
Who is that? Danny?
It's Danny, honey.
- Hey, Danny.
- How's it going?
- You eat dinner yet, Danny?
- I think my mom made me
- a tuna sandwich.
- What?
No, come on.
You'll have dinner with us.
No, when's the last time
you had a whole family dinner?
What? Why is that rude?
- You know Mr. Wiener?
- Mr. Wiener?
A sweet guy, a little bold. I think
I'm gonna introduce your mother to him.
- Oh yeah?
- Honey, wait.
Are you talking about that crook Wiener?
No, he's not good for Beth.
You don't think
Wiener's good for Beth?
You finally got
some sun on your cheeks.
You look good. 'Cause you know
you looked a little pale
- the last time you were here.
- How's your father?
Ooh, yeah,
how's he doing? Has he settled in yet?
Yeah. Well, he just got
that place on the beach.
Mmm,
Rashbaum showed him that property.
Oh, right, on Dania Beach.
A nice place... simple.
So when's he moving in?
I think he's moving in in a week.
He's a good egg, your father.
Hey, Danny, do you want
to see Camille's dress?
- No no no, it's bad luck. Forget it.
- Mom.
He's gonna see it later, anyway.
Show him the dress.
Should I show him the dress?
- Mom!
What, you don't want me
to show him the dress?
It's a beautiful beautiful dress.
It's beautiful.
My parents aren't
talking to each other at all now.
It's like now
I'm in the middle of their debates
about money or it's just...
I don't know.
We should try to get
the same dorm next year.
Look, Danny, just...
- What?
- You know what.
'Cause you're one
of my best friends, and I don't wanna...
No, I know. I just thought
'cause it's in a few weeks,
and you don't have
a confirmed date yet.
- Hey, guys.
- Oh my God.
- What?
- You are disgusting!
- What? He's like a brother.
- Get out!
Ow! Mom, Camille just
threw a marker at me!
Shut up, Brittney!
Just get out!
No, you shut up,
you nerdy bitch.
What's going on?
- She's such a little slut.
She's always trying
to flirt with my friends.
Oh, shut up, you geek. You wish
you could flirt with my friends.
Just whatever, okay? Whatever.
What is the problem?
He's taking Alice Stryer, this random
sophomore he takes to school.
Random sophomore?
I've been building up
this relationship for a while now
and I've been waiting
to ask her.
She's, like... I don't know. She's like
the only person I'm thinking about.
Seriously. Honestly.
I mean, my mind's
totally set on her.
But you and Camille are best friends.
I mean, that's what
this is all about.
It's the culmination
of your high school memories.
I mean, who better to share
that with than your best friend?
Mom, I don't care.
He's taking someone else.
I won't go.
You're not going?
What do you mean you won't go?
What's going on?
She's not going.
What?
I don't mind, all right?
I'd mind if he was
taking Brittney.
It's silly.
You and Camille have known
each other for eight years.
What could this girl
possibly offer that Camille couldn't?
You know,
I thought about it.
Yeah, I think it could
be a lot of fun.
And, umm...
you know, I know
it's totally last second.
If you need help with a dress or
something, I could help you pay for it
because I already got
the tickets and the...
Danny, umm...
did you think that
we were romantically...
Well, no no. I don't know.
Some signs, maybe, yeah.
Signs?
What signs?
Well, I guess now, here,
with the ice cream.
Wait, the ice cream?
You weren't
just looking at me,
licking the ice cream and like...
Yeah, Danny,
I was looking at you
and I was licking
my ice cream.
This is how
I eat my ice cream.
I mean, how do you eat
your ice cream?
Uh, last week
you kissed me.
- I mean, you know...
- Yeah, you're a big brother to me.
You take me to school.
You're my carpool.
Well, l... well,
you said you wanted to go.
- I thought you were...
- Yeah, but...
- not...
- I don't understand.
- You can't go with a friend.
- That's just so weird.
This is, like,
the total "Twilight Zone."
Danny, I just can't believe that
you thought that.
Huh.
That is just so deranged.
How was she licking?
'Cause if she was
showing her tongue
but not looking at you...
No, Dad, she was
looking at me.
She doesn't have
that wandering eye thing?
- 'Cause that can be tricky.
- Dad, she doesn't have that.
Well, what about the feet?
No, just hear me out, 'cause
the feet can cancel all other signs.
If her toes are pointed
toward the door,
that cancels all other signs.
Dad, I wasn't watching
her toes, all right?
Look, she could've been
doing that in the car ride,
'cause I couldn't see her feet.
Also, she buckled
her seat belt at one point,
so that could've been
a guarded gesture.
Thank you.
Whoops, I think he has to
go to the bathroom here.
Sure, of course.
All right,
just a quick side note here:
- What do you think?
- Dad, I don't know, all right?
I'm not gonna lie to you. This baby
thing is a major pain in the ass,
but attractive, intelligent,
fun and she's got
a nice behind on her.
I mean what do you think?
You're an ass man.
- Dad.
- What?
- It's weird.
- What? What's weird?
It's weird advising my dad
on his girlfriend's ass.
It's not natural.
I've got my own crisis here.
Danny...
it's the times, okay?
Everybody's
going through this.
I mean most kids are
advising their parents these days.
I pledge allegiance to the flag
of the United States of America,
and to the Republic
for which it stands,
one nation under God,
indivisible, with liberty
and justice for all.
Will everyone
please be seated?
"Want to remember
your prom night forever?
You can, by capturing
that perfect moment
with a prom photo.
Preorder your photos
from the hours
of 12:00 and 1:00."
"Congratulations are
in order to Dawn Dwiggins
for being crowned
this year's prom queen.
Varsity cheerleader
Dawn exemplifies true school spirit
and gives her time generously
to help with the Key Club
and the Geriatric Society."
Kaplan.
- Klebener.
Who do we know at Nova?
Klinger.
Has to be someone at Nova.
- Who?
- I'm thinking.
- Koch. Kushner.
- Wait a minute. I've got it.
Danny, you so owe me.
There's no one cute
at No... dude.
Am I right? You remember
that boyfriend of hers?
Was he anything?
Hey, Marcy, what's up?
You did? No.
You horndog.
We have to click,
though, right?
No. He didn't.
Well, anyway,
we've got a new guy for you.
Yeah, Craig's friend.
He just broke it off
with his girlfriend
and he just wants someone
to go to the prom with,
you know,
someone who can totally party.
Yeah, he's... blue eyes, tall.
Yeah, he's cute... like quirky cute.
Yeah. Yeah?
All right. So you'll just go
in the limo with us
and we'll totally pre-party.
Yeah, totally.
Yeah, I've been tanning
for three weeks now.
Find out what time...
Okay, yeah, he'll take you
to dinner. Yeah.
Just call me afterwards
if you want to back out,
- so there's no pressure.
- See, there's the fine print.
Okay, 7:00 at Padrino's.
I'll tell him to make reservations.
Yeah, 7:00 sharp.
Call me afterwards, all right?
All right. Bye.
Score.
You're going
with Marcy Pine, dude.
- Wait, she still has to see me.
Just look nice...
wear one of Craig's vests
or something... and just be yourself.
Yeah, just be yourself.
Yeah, and whatever you do,
don't be late.
You wait, right?
Honey, I don't like that table.
Go find us a nice one...
not too cold.
- Of course.
- Oh, you're kidding.
Danny? Was I not
just asking about him?
- Just about.
- Hi, honey.
Hey, how are you?
Who are you here with?
You know, I'm just
waiting for a friend.
- Oh.
- Oh, someone we know?
Uh, no, he's just kind of
like an old friend.
Oh, gee,
look who's here... Wilentz.
Oh, you're kidding. Who's he with?
Hold on. I'll be right there.
- Camille's supposed to meet us here...
- Camille?
- and I just want to talk
to you before she comes.
- I should probably check outside.
- I just want you to know
that you don't have
to worry about any sort of ego thing
if you ask her now.
She'll still go with you.
Her sister was even
asked to this thing,
and the whole thing is
so humiliating for her.
I'm just...
let me just go see
if my friend's here.
I'll be right back.
Marcy?
- Oh shit.
Danny.
Camille, how's it going?
This is so weird.
Are you eating here?
Yeah, I was just talking
to your mother inside.
- I think she's waiting for you.
- Who are you here with?
I'm meeting a friend.
- Do I know him?
- Uh, no.
No, he's just kind of
like an old camp friend, you know?
Oh yeah, like a camp counselor
or something?
Yeah, some dude.
- Was your mom expecting you now?
She can wait.
Yeah, she can, but...
What did you put for
where hydroxide ion is highest at?
Uh, I think I skipped that one.
Why did you skip that one?
You had like a 50/50 chance.
Uh, well, I don't know.
'Cause I put
"at a high pH number."
Uh, excuse me.
Do you guys have the time?
Um, yes, it's 10 after 7:00.
Son of a bitch.
Yikes.
What do you mean she won't?
I was there. l...
Disrespectful? I was just
gonna be a few more minutes.
All right.
Okay, fine.
I got a room.
Maynard got one.
- Sternberg.
- Lipschitz?
Lipschitz, yeah.
Buchwald.
- Buchwald?
- Buchwald.
- Bart and...
- No. Wait.
- What?
- Bart?
- Yeah.
- Bart?!
- Why?
- Bart got a room?
Dude, get a room.
What's your problem?
When you find your date,
you're gonna want one
- at least as a place to crash.
- To crash, yeah.
Believe me, you'll want a room.
The whole world's getting rooms.
Honey, do you want to skip
a day from your tanning
and go to the zoo
with Harry and me?
- You hate the zoo.
- I like it now.
I can't.
The thing's in three weeks.
All right.
Just checking.
My mom's getting
like that too.
Yeah, it takes about
a year to adjust...
you know, basic family transition.
Babe, I'm thinking the limo
should go to Stein's first.
- How much is that gonna be now?
- How much for the limo?
- Apiece.
- $400, right?
- Apiece?!
- $400 for the six of us.
- Six of us?
- Well, if we can't get it,
we won't do it. I mean,
there's always getting drunk.
'Cause I mean
that's $135, right?
Well, do you want me to get it?
Because I can try to get it
and if we can't get it, we won't do it.
- That's... I mean, dude...
- Yeah, Stein and his date's
gonna drink with us too. Yes.
Hon, hon, hon,
I'm telling you...
drinking is still good.
Your father should be doing this.
He's doing the tickets and the tux.
Well, I'm sorry,
but a room here and a limo
is a lot more than
a cheap tux and two tickets.
Well, who says
I'm getting a cheap tux?
Believe me, with your father
you're getting the cheapest.
- Well, then can you talk to him?
- I'm not talking to him.
Mom, can't you guys
just work it out?
No, 'cause I'm gonna be
out $330 for this thing
and he's out... what?...$200.
You need to tell your father
he needs to take on the limo too.
- Seriously, because I can't...
- Mom, please.
He doesn't have it.
Truth is, you shouldn't be
getting a hotel room.
- I never got a room.
- Mom, wouldn't you rather know
that I'm safe here rather
than out on the road afterward,
driving around exhausted?
I thought that's
why you have a limo.
Well, yeah, but it's not like
we're out on the street...
look, Mom, everyone is getting
a room here at the Embassy Suites,
all right?
Sherman, Wilentz...
- it's not a big deal.
- It is when your father doesn't help.
Mom...
Bart got a room.
- Bart got a room?
- Hi, can I help you?
We need a room...
- For the 15th.
...for the 15th, please.
- Single? Double?
- Single. Single?
Anyway, Bob's coming
over tomorrow.
He's taking us out
for a nice Italian,
and then we're taking
a walk on the beach.
The beach? With Bob?
Honey, do you want
your mom to have
some financial stability
in her life or not?
All right, I'm going to be reading
some of your journal entries
and I'm not going to tell you
who wrote them until the end, okay?
"Lost in the ocean,
the waves carry me free,
the sea kelp caressing
my sensitive bosom.
Take my fragile floating nakedness
to the warmest blues.
Make me blush
with your splashes,
your crashes
your flume, spume,
your white bubbly breath,
your sensitive touches.
Fill my every essence
and I shall shiver with ecstasy,
splashing forever
upon your delicate face."
Debbie Yang.
#Hallelujah! #
Here's another one.
"This great big silence,
like an empty void,
like as if nothing ever mattered,
like as if nobody ever cared.
Where could it go,
the respect of two people
who laughed all the time,
who were forever a team?
So unappreciated
is the serenity before the fall,
before the fierce winds
of doubt come to call.
Often I feel alone,
split in two,
yearning for my family
when my life is so new."
Danny Stein.
#Hallelujah... #
I don't understand.
After class she asked you to dinner
- from a journal entry?
- Well, no, I asked her to study first.
And then she asked you
to dinner?
With her whole family,
so I mean...
I think she felt bad for me
or something. I don't really know.
- Amazing. You need my car?
- Yeah, that'd be great.
And if you want
to take her back here...
No, she invited me to her place.
'Cause, you know, I want you
to feel like this is your place.
Yeah, no, that's all right.
In fact, I'm getting you
an extra set of keys
in case you ever want
to take a girl back here for whatever.
That's why I got
a whole separate room.
Well, the walls are
kind of thin though.
- Thin?
- Well, I mean,
you could probably hear
everything in the other room.
No no no,
these are good walls.
Well, you know,
if you had a woman too,
- it could just be kind of weird.
- Well, if she were screaming,
but I think it would be
pretty quiet.
Or I could just take off,
I could leave.
No, you shouldn't
have to leave.
Well, go in the other room
and let's see,
- 'cause I want you to come by a lot.
- In the other room?
Yeah, close the door, make sounds
like you're with someone
and I'll sort of...
All right?
Well?
- You did it?
- Yeah.
- All right. No, I was talking.
Do it again.
Ah.
This time do it at different levels.
Ah.
Like start soft
and then get...
start soft
and then go up.
Well, I did it twice already.
- At different levels?
- Yeah.
All right, look.
I'm gonna call out
one to 10 and I'll get
louder each time.
My one will sound like this...
- ah. All right?
- Yeah.
You tell me
what number you hear me at.
All right, just make sure
your numbers are even,
- so it's like a control.
- How do you mean?
Announcer the number
at an even volume.
Oh, good.
All right.
- Can you hear me?
- Yeah.
All right, don't respond now.
Just hold out until
I've completely finished.
One.
Ooh.
Two.
Oh.
Three. Ooh.
Four. Oh yeah.
Five.
Oh, that's it. That's it.
Six. Oh my God.
Oh my God, don't stop.
Seven. Oh. Oh my... oh.
Oh my. Eight.
Don't stop. Don't stop.
Don't stop. Nine.
Yeah! Yeah!
Yeah! Yeah!
10. Give it to me!
Give it to me!
Give it to me!
Well, I showed
the house three times last week.
I know things are a little...
they're a little slow,
but I'm sure after the open house
we're gonna have some buyers.
- Hi, it's so good to see you.
- I know.
You just tell that adorable Maxipoo
- I send my love.
- Your mom's over here.
Okay? All right.
Bye, darling.
- Hi, honey.
- Hey.
I can't have dinner with you tonight.
Why? What do you mean?
It's Sunday...
- Japanese or Italian.
- I can't. I'm having dinner
and studying for a trig test
with a classmate, okay?
Hi, Lola. Which property?
Did you see these?
This is the third time this week
he's sent me e-roses.
I will see you at 3:00, okay?
All right, bye.
Mom, I've got to run, okay?
We'll just take
Dad's Wednesday next week.
Are you asking
this study partner to the prom?
- Shh.
- Oh, I guessed it.
Don't worry, I won't jinx it.
Who is she?
- You don't know her.
- Do I know her family?
I'm pretty sure no.
Eat.
Eat.
So, um...
I'm not really good
with these kinds of things.
I, uh...
You need a date for the prom.
How did... yeah.
Yeah, I'll go with you.
You will? Are you serious?
- Really?
- I had a feeling you were gonna ask.
- I think we'd have a good time.
- Totally.
Totally. Yeah yeah.
I do have to keep it
a secret though,
since my parents would
never want me to go.
No, I totally understand, yeah.
We could sneak
you out or something.
And this really isn't a big deal,
but I do have
this long-distance relationship,
so we couldn't get intimate
on the dance floor or anything...
No, right, yeah, of course.
...'cause that could
always get back to him.
In case people might see
that and tell him, yeah,
on the dance floor.
And I wouldn't want
to take any pictures
'cause they could always
get in the wrong hands.
I mean if he saw that...
Yeah, right. That's...
well, even if you held
the negatives and...
And actually, in general,
I wouldn't want to be seen
walking in together.
In fact, I'd rather not
be seen walking around at all,
just in case.
So, like...
But, I mean, we could
always meet up afterwards
at some post-party
in someone's room...
'cause I think Bart got a room.
"Danny, you're my best friend
and I just think
it would be so much fun
if we went together
to the prom."
"Guess what's around the corner.
Prom.
The senior class is
looking for suggestions
for original party favors.
Past favors included
candy baskets and pens.
Come to room to cast your vote."
"There's romance in the air.
Can you feel it?
Don't wait till the night of prom
to give your special someone
a special treat.
Show her how much
you really care
with a Spring-gram."
The way I see it, I think
this Camille can be your decoy
to get other women.
What do you think about that?
Mom, I just saw
a lizard in the house.
It's fine.
They eat ants. It's fine.
Look. See, look here.
Scott Cecil...
he was nothing special.
Wow, you look different...
your face.
Okay. Anyway, Camille is
your best friend, so...
Hey hey hey,
I don't want to forget
the gift I got Danny.
- Hold on.
- Why did he get me a gift?
I don't know.
I think he's thinking about...
- Proposing?
- Shh. Please, don't...
- Here.
- Thank you.
- What is it?
- Go ahead and open it.
I figured you needed one, so...
Oh, isn't that thoughtful?
Yeah, well, thank you.
I figured it would
save you some money.
It'll save his father some money.
Okay, well, let's get going.
Bye, Danny.
Yeah, have a good time.
Hey, kid.
I didn't know
if you had company or not.
No. No no no no.
What's up?
What if we're supposed
to be happy with the middle ground?
Just what if...
now hear me out on this...
what if we're supposed
to find peace
and a little boredom,
you know?
Maybe that's better than always
having to search for something else.
I mean, really,
what's wrong
with a little boredom?
Would you like
some Cherry Garcia?
I've got that,
I've got Chubby Hubby.
Dad, are you listening?
'Cause, like...
what if you and mom
just stuck it out,
even if it was boring
after a while?
You guys would still be together,
don't you think?
I'm giving you Chubby Hubby.
It's got pretzels, all right?
Yeah, but seriously,
what's the deal?
It's complex. There was
nothing keeping us together.
Look, every kid wishes
their parents get back together,
but it's not realistic.
We've moved on.
Anyway, I've decided
I'm gonna ask Camille.
I figure we can always just hang out
and play Boggle in the room after.
Boggle's good.
At least you get to go.
I never went.
She's my best friend.
I know at the very least we'll have fun.
Look, having a date is good.
Anyway, we don't have to
pay for a bowtie now, so...
How's that?
No, well, Bob got me one.
What?
This Bob guy
got you a bowtie?
I'm getting you a bowtie,
thank you very much.
Yeah, well, he got me one,
so now we don't have to
get a cheap one.
No no no, I'm getting you
a very nice bowtie.
What, this Bob guy is
your father all of a sudden?
Well, Mom thinks
he might propose.
So I've got this new woman
I'm excited about.
- Oh yeah?
- Yeah, we're compatible.
She's not at all materialistic.
She's into camping.
- That's cool. Any kids?
- Two kids, both married.
Yeah, so...
I haven't actually seen her yet,
but she described herself
to me, so, you know.
- Does she sound nice?
- Yeah.
I haven't actually heard her yet.
This was on the internet.
- Chat room?
- Mm-hmm.
- Fast typer?
- Yeah, pretty fast.
- Well, that's cool.
- Yeah.
I'll see her
in a couple of nights.
You know, she may
turn out to be hideous,
but at this point...
you know.
- All right, here we go.
- Good, try it on.
Come with me.
Thanks for trying it on for us.
Hon, we've gotta get going.
We've got that court
reserved at noon.
What time is the limo coming?
- 7:00. Mrs. Goodson said
she's gonna keep Camille
at the house until I get there.
It's gonna be a big surprise.
I figure it'll at least keep
some sort of special...
I can't wait anymore. I'm coming in.
Oh. Oh, yeah
yeah yeah yeah.
- Oh, you look really sharp.
- You look so handsome.
Whoa. Camille's gonna
be so impressed.
Honey, why don't you
go start the car
- and I'll be out in one second?
- Hey, listen.
You have a good time.
Enjoy it.
You deserve it.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
I think he's gonna
propose tonight.
- What? Are you serious?
- Yeah.
- Are you gonna say yes?
- Look, he's financially secure,
he's got a big heart
and I'm 43.
- 45.
- 44.
And you hang it up
so it doesn't wrinkle,
your corsage is in the fridge.
When are you picking up Camille?
- 7:15.
- Oh, gosh.
Have an amazing time. She's your
best friend. You're gonna have fun.
Okay, have fun.
- Craig.
- What's up, dude?
I was calling.
Your phone's off.
- Yeah, I know.
- Anyway,
I've decided I'm just
gonna accept my fate.
Camille and I, we're gonna
have a good time. We will.
We'll get drunk, make fun of people...
good, clean fun.
Anyway, I'm thinking
that when the limo comes,
I can swing by hers first
and surprise her.
We'll just come by and pick you
and Abby up at 7:30, all right?
Well, you can't do that now.
- What do you mean?
- Well, you can't go with her now.
I'm going with her now.
Yeah, right.
You're going with Abby.
No, Abby can't go,
so I asked Camille.
What do you mean
she can't go?
She got these
bad sun blisters.
- Sun blisters?
- Yeah, it hurts her to move.
So wait, I don't... you what?
- Sorry, I didn't realize...
- Are you serious?
- You asked Camille?
- You weren't gonna go with her.
And besides,
I happen to think she's attractive,
you know,
in a quirky sort of way.
I'm sorry, dude,
I didn't think you were gonna ask her.
Well, what about that
nonrefundable deposit
my mom put down
on the limo?
Well, we didn't talk
about that for a while,
so I just assumed
you'd canceled it.
I'm sorry.
Listen, dude,
I've gotta get ready.
This is a big night for me.
- Hi, Danny.
- Hi.
- Did you get it?
- Huh?
One two three.
- Camille?
Can I talk to you for a second?
Sorry, Danny, I didn't know.
So you're going
with Craig now?
Yeah, he's gonna be by
in half an hour.
We're going as friends.
That's great.
It's pretty much set, huh?
- I'm sorry.
- No no no, I'm sorry.
I've got like $in this thing now
between the limo, the tux,
the corsage, the tickets
and this hotel room I got.
You said
you were going alone
and I was going to surprise you.
I mean I wanted to...
Oh, well...
I've got a date now.
You said in your card
you were gonna wait.
Well, Danny,
did you expect me to wait
for you like some puppet?
Well, no, but I mean...
Did you honestly think
that if I was given the opportunity,
I wasn't going to take it,
especially in response
to your deceit?
Deceit? What are you talking about?
I was honest with you
- from the beginning.
- Bullshit you were honest.
You told me you only had eyes
for that stupid sophomore.
You just don't want
to go with me.
No no, that's... no.
I actually wanted to go
with you from the start.
Craig, he was
brainwashing me. He was...
God, you're in control
of your own life.
Look...
I really have to go, okay?
I know.
Anyway...
you look really nice.
I guess...
I mean... I just wish...
I'm sorry.
Yeah.
Oh shit.
Minda, hey, it's Danny Stein.
Do you remember me?
No, we met
at that debate tournament
and you were making fun
of that coach, Miss Hoytz.
Yeah yeah, you thought
it'd be hilarious
if she named her kid Ash, 'cause then
she'd have to go around saying
"My Ash Hoytz."
Francine, hi. I was
in "The Phantom Tollbooth"
with you in the sixth grade.
I played the dodecahedron.
Hello?
Jody, hey, yeah.
It's your cousin Danny.
I was wondering what
you were doing tonight.
Oh, you are?
What's Aunt Joy doing?
Is she... oh, okay.
Well, I've gotta...
I've gotta go.
Come on, Dad. Pick up. Come on.
# Some people say #
# You look lovely #
# Some say you need a chance in love #
# I want to say to you... #
Some of our chat sessions
were just...
I feel like
we've had sex already.
Yeah, well, pretty much.
Just once I'd like to live out
the fantasies without a computer.
Like, personally,
I've always wanted to lead
a guy into the forest
after a light drizzle,
just rip off each other's clothes.
You would be on top
and my bare body,
rubbing up against
the moist, slippery soil.
And there would be like
a layer of damp leaves.
And as we hold each other tight,
pumping away,
back and forth, back and forth,
the leaves would be sticking
all over my naked body.
You have a phone call.
- Your phone, it's vibrating.
- Oh oh oh.
I'm sorry, I really should take this.
It's my son here.
What's up?
Dad, I've been calling you
for the last 15 minutes.
- I'm in the middle of dinner.
- No, I know.
- This woman is fantastic.
- Dad, listen.
For once I feel like
I'm making a connection here.
Dad, listen to me.
- What?
- I'm a loser.
You're not a loser.
What are you talking about?
Dad, just face it, all right?
Why, 'cause you're
going with Camille?
I'm not going with Camille now.
Craig's going with Camille.
The thing's in an hour.
I've got the chauffeur here.
I don't have a car. I'm not gonna
show up in a limo by myself.
Will you...
calm down, will you?
Why is she going with Craig?
Hasn't he had
that same girlfriend
since third grade?
No, she got
these bad sun blisters.
- Sun blisters.
- Dad, my whole world's caving in
and it's 'cause the entire senior class
has managed to get dates now.
And they all have rooms, too,
the whole class...
Sherman, Buchwald.
Dad, Bart got a room.
Bart got a room?
Let me see what
I can do. Hold on.
God, I feel terrible,
but it's an emergency.
No no, don't worry
if it's an emergency. God, of course.
It's my kid, but I really want
to make this up to you.
Could we get together again,
like, tomorrow?
- Is he hurt?
- No. Actually, it's the senior prom.
I've got to help find him a date.
- You're kidding, right?
- No.
It's just that
he's counting on me.
Well, could you
at least drive me home?
Um, sorry, you're gonna
have to take a cab.
Excuse me.
Sorry sorry. Excuse me.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Kill him. I'm gonna kill him.
I'm gonna kill him.
You know? Because I've always
wanted to go with Betsy McMullen
and that was...
see, that was the problem
from the start.
Betsy.
Yeah, Dad?
All right, break down
the necessities here:
One, somewhere near
the Bonaventure, right?
There's gotta be
lots of women around there.
Two, they've got to be dressed nice.
That's gotta be important.
Now look for women
who could be dressed for a prom,
which means what?
We need someone in formal wear.
Coming through.
Coming through. Excuse me.
Yeah, what have you got?
- Brown hair, brown eyes.
How old?
I don't know.
12, could pass for 13, 14.
No. No no.
Dad, that's too young.
All right, all right.
I've got a five-footer,
big hair, lots of makeup.
- How old?
- Maybe 35.
- 35?
- All right. Calm down, calm down.
Don't panic, just...
Jesus.
Are you a cop, honey?
Uh, no, l...
no, I'm here for my kid.
- How much you got?
- Oh, yeah, l...
Okay.
So how old's your kid?
He's 17... 18, he's 18.
Just turned, actually.
What, is it his birthday
or something?
Uh, no.
Okay, she's gonna
meet you at the front entrance.
Don't ask any questions.
Um, how...
how do I know that you're not...
because, you know,
that could be awkward.
What does that feel like?
Okay, that's it.
Stein?
- Tickets, please.
- Yeah.
Oh.
That's all right.
I know you've got 'em.
Wait a second.
What is this?
It's the, um...
it's the prom.
- I don't do proms.
- What do you mean you don't do proms?
I just don't do proms, honey.
Wha...
Okay, big smile. Pose for a second.
At the count of three
look at right here, please.
Ready?
One, two and three.
One more time.
Big smile.
Yeah, there you go. That's it.
Turn closer, a little more to me.
That's it. Big smile.
Thank you. Next.
A big smile.
Thank you. Next.
# Oh oh! #
Danny.
Bart.
Did you hear
what happened?
What?
They overbooked the hotel.
I didn't get a room.
No?
I got a suite.
- What happened?
- Doesn't do proms.
- Can I buy you a drink?
- Yeah, all right.
- What are you having?
- A vodka tonic.
- Do you want a vodka tonic?
- Yeah, sure.
- Hey, how's it going?
- Fuck you.
- Not a good sign.
- Yeah, not so good.
Well, look at it this way...
it can't get any worse.
Okay, well, actually...
Mom.
- What's going on?
- What are you doing here?
- What's he doing here?
- Hello, Beth.
Ernie.
I drove over 'cause you left
the tickets at the house.
- Yeah, I left them.
- I was worried you wouldn't get in.
- Thanks.
- I was... wait, where's Camille?
She went with Craig.
- With Craig?
Are you serious?
What happened to his girlfriend?
She had these
bad sun blisters.
Sun blisters, and so...
- Dad was helping me find a date.
- Just now?
- Yup.
- And you got dressed up to do that?
No, I was on my own date.
He left her to help me.
- And you helped him?
- Uh, yes.
- We found a nice, lovely...
- Yeah, she was...
Where'd you find her?
- Oh, a couple... a couple...
- Yeah, she was...
- Well, where is she?
Doesn't do proms.
Well, then... well, then you're
not gonna go at all?
- No.
- Oh. Oh!
Oh, this was supposed
to be the highlight...
- this was gonna be...
- Whatever.
Hey, would you like a drink?
Yeah, all right.
Can I get a Harvey Wallbanger
for my ex-wife?
- Right? Harvey Wallbanger?
- Right. Thank you.
Hey, doesn't Danny
look handsome?
Oh, are you kidding me?
He's adorable.
- You like the tux I got him?
- It's nice.
I see you got him
a tie too.
Yeah, well, you know,
I didn't want...
Thank you.
So did this guy
propose or what?
- I think he was about to.
Who is he?
- How... how would you...
- No.
- He's a nice guy.
- Yes. Uh-huh.
And you? How's...
- Met a woman tonight... interesting.
- I'm sorry to screw that up.
Hey, you couldn't have known
this was all gonna happen.
- No, this was out of your control.
- This was not his fault.
He was a victim
of circumstances.
I think you should've been
more aggressive with that sophomore.
God, you're in control
of your own life.
You're gonna have
a great picture.
- Leave him alone. He's working on it.
- What is it that you want?
Every kid wishes their parents
would get back together,
but it's not realistic.
"This moment forever."
You didn't think she was cute?
Yeah, but she's ditzy
and Danny doesn't do well with ditzy.
Hold on.
Wait, I'll... I'll be...
don't go anywhere.
I'll be right back.
- Hmm.
- Hmm.
Come on, come on.
Hey.
How's your night?
You know,
it's actually a lot of fun
spending a night
like this by yourself.
You don't have to
share it with anybody.
- Seriously.
This is nothing to argue...
- we can hang out tomorrow.
- It's not too bad.
- Come on.
- This is... what? No no no no.
You need to go home
and get some sleep. I'm sorry.
What, so you can spend
your prom with her?
- Are you gonna forgive me?
What was I supposed to do,
stay home?
I didn't get any sun blisters.
Did you ever
even consider my feelings about this?
I'm sorry.
I'm not going home with you right now.
- I've got to take this suit back...
- Okay.
...in the morning. Do you realize that?
I have to be up at 6:00 in the morning
and take this stupid thing...
what are you doing?
- I've got to show you something.
- Where are we going?
To the bar.
My parents are there.
What are your parents
doing at the bar?
- Moral support, I guess.
One more time.
Next.
...water in the sink. I can see it...
No. You see the... Camille.
- Hi.
- How's it going?
Good good. Just trying
to get through this alive, I guess.
I just wanted to let you guys know
I've got Camille with me now,
so we're gonna go
in there and have fun.
- That's... go. Go for it.
- Oh, that's great.
Are you guys gonna...
you know?
Oh, I'm probably
gonna take off.
I've got to get back to...
listen, it was so good to see you.
It was good to see you
and I'll see you at graduation.
Graduation.
Yes, we'll see you then.
It might be kind of weird,
but do you guys want to come in?
- Oh, no.
- Oh, no.
- I'm not going into the prom.
- Besides, the kids don't want
- to see the parents.
- No, honey, tonight is your night.
You need to go in there
and celebrate with everybody.
Yeah, you're right... I should,
and I know exactly
where we're going.
Eins, zwei, drei.
Oh, I don't think we're allowed
to be in here, Danny.
And so this is
how I spent my night.
Nothing like
what I had hoped for,
but somehow better.
Somehow just the way
it should've been.
Did I look even remotely cool?
Probably not, but...
I spent my prom night
with the three people
I love the most.
And after we danced
the "Electric Slide,"
after the four of us
played a drunker game
of Boggle
in my hotel room,
just before I fell asleep next to
my oldest friend on the single bed,
I finally had
this moment of clarity.
We can't choose our memories.
The best ones just happen.
So what's the point of trying
to create the perfect moment
when the perfect moment
is right now?