The Great Buck Howard Script - Dialogue Transcript

The Great Buck Howard Script

  
  
When I look back on it,

  
I still can't make sense
of how a normal kid like me

  
ever wound up meeting
Buck Howard.

  
When I was five years old,

  
my dad asked me what
I wanted to be

  
when I grew up.

  
I said I wanted to drive
a steamroller and he said, "No,

  
you want to be a lawyer."

  
I said astronaut.
He said lawyer.

  
I said policeman.
He said lawyer.

  
So we compromised... on lawyer,

  
which is how, 20 years later,

  
I ended up in law school.

  
And even though
this was my father's dream,

  
for the first couple of years

  
I bought into the whole thing,

  
until one day.

  
I finished an exam early
and I just sat there thinking,

  
thinking that somewhere
there must be somebody

  
whose dream it is to be a lawyer,

  
but after more than
two years in law school,

  
I hadn't met a single one.

  
And suddenly it occurred to me...

  
I'm not happy.

  
I gotta get out of here.

  
So this moment right here

  
became my last chance
to stop everything,

  
hit pause,

  
and find a dream
before it was too late.

  
Late or not, it felt fantastic.

  
Of course, I hadn't told
my father any of this,

  
but I was pretty sure
that he'd understand.

  
I just had to present my case.

  
Hey, Dad. Well, school's tough.

  
You know,
Contracts is really hard.

  
See? I would have been
a terrible lawyer.

  
The thrilling thing, though,

  
is that now all I had were options.

  
I could do anything I wanted.

  
You name it,
I thought of being it.

  
I could be a private investigator,

  
a test driver for NASCAR,

  
or a talk show host.

  
How do you get
that job, anyway?

  
The truth, though,
is that I did have an idea

  
in the back of my head.

  
I had always had this secret dream
of becoming a writer.

  
And while I didn't know
how to get that job either,

  
I did have a pen and paper.

  
So I just did what came naturally.

  
And that's when I was hit
by something else...

  
reality... the reality of having to
find something to do

  
to pay for little things
like food and rent,

  
and getting my car fixed.
I had to find a job,

  
but who said it couldn't be
something with a little adventure,

  
something with words like "celebrity"
and "performer" attached to it?

  
And that's how it happened.

  
That's how I found myself

  
meeting the one and only
Great Buck Howard.

  
You must be Troy.

  
- I'm Gil.
- Oh, hi. I'm Troy.

  
- Sorry I'm late.
- Relax. It's not a problem.

  
Let's grab a seat.

  
He should be here any minute.

  
We were impressed
you'd been to law school.

  
I should probably explain that. Uh...

  
I didn't finish, actually.

  
Good evening, Mr. Howard.

  
Oh, here he is.

  
Buck!

  
Big Buck!

  
I'm Buck Howard.

  
Troy Gable.

  
Young man, I am delighted
that you are interested in this job.

  
I am very busy. I did over...

  
One thought kept racing
through my mind as Buck talked...

  
I had no idea who this guy was...

  
and I guess it must have shown.

  
You do know who I am, don't you?

  
Uh...

  
You have seen "The Tonight Show"?

  
You have to say "with Johnny Carson,"

  
not the nitwit who's on there now.

  
Buck did "The Tonight Show"...
with Johnny...

  
61 times.

  
I think...
you're a magician, right?

  
Buck's a mentalist.

  
Magician is kind of
a dirty word around here.

  
I was a magician...
when I was three years old,

  
but I evolved out of that. Not that
I have anything against magicians,

  
as long as they're dead.

  
Buck's been
on all the big shows...

  
Jim Nabors, Jon Davidson,
Sally Jesse Raphael.

  
Dinah... he was the co-host
on "Dinah!" many times.

  
He's performed all over the world...
Las Vegas...

  
but not lately.

  
Yourjob would be
to take care of all of Buck's travel,

  
and then to go
on the road with him

  
to ensure the engagements
were handled smoothly.

  
It is a very demanding
but ultimately rewarding job.

  
For instance,
in a few months' time

  
we'd be very hard at work
on a benefit that I started

  
for sick children
with my friend George Takei,

  
who is perhaps best known
for his portrayal of Sulu

  
on "Star Trek."
He is a dear friend.

  
This certainly wasn't the kind ofjob

  
my father would
have envisioned for me,

  
but there was something
kind of exciting about Buck.

  
He told these long stories about
a world full of his famous friends...

  
Johnny Carson, Ed McMahon...

  
The Captain & Tennille.

  
It was wonderful
to meet you, young man.

  
I think this can all work out.

  
Gil, call me later.

  
So the job's yours if you want it...

  
pays $650 a week to start.

  
Uh...

  
yeah, it sounds great.

  
Good. You'll be going to
Bakersfield this weekend,

  
somebody will meet you
and show you the ropes.

  
Good luck, Troy.

  
Thank you, Gil.

  
Edward, your younger readers
may not be aware

  
that it was actually Johnny Carson
who dubbed me the Great Buck Howard.

  
Do you recall what trick
you did that night?

  
It's not a trick. It's an effect.

  
Okay, I'm sorry. I didn't realize
there was a difference.

  
Troy.

  
Edward, I'm going
to give you a coin.

  
I would like you to grasp it
between your thumb and your forefinger.

  
I'm going to count, and whenever
you feel compelled to do so,

  
you simply drop the coin.
Do you understand?

  
Ready? One, two,

  
three.

  
Troy, could you show Edward
what's written on that piece of paper?

  
Welcome to Bakersfield!
I'm Sheila Heller.

  
I'm Buck Howard.

  
This is Alan, Troy...
and this is Edward.

  
He is a magazine writer
who is doing a profile on me.

  
- Oh, yeah.
- It's going to be a cover story, right?

  
- Right.
- Buck needs to head back to the hotel

  
to prepare for the performance,

  
but if you could show
Troy and I around...

  
Oh, that would be no problem at all.

  
I love to come to the venue first

  
and meet the people like you

  
who keep these places up
and running. Cha-cha-cha.

  
Dude, check it out.
I like that... nice and big, bro.

  
Right through here is where we have
the main celebrity dressing room,

  
which of course is for Buck.

  
- And we have snacks.
- Where's the brandy?

  
Oh! God, I knew
we forgot something.

  
I'm so sorry.

  
- I'll send out for a bottle right away.
- Okay.

  
Okay. Yeah. Sorry.

  
- Excuse me.
- Go ahead.

  
Okay. All right.

  
Oh my God.

  
Ah, but it's part of my job.

  
You know what I'm saying?

  
There aren't many cues,
but don't let that lull you to sleep.

  
Do you have that intro?

  
Please tell Buck I am
so sorry about the crowd.

  
I thought it would
at least be half full.

  
Go tell Buck he's on,

  
and if he asks,
tell him it's a huge crowd.

  
So...

  
Come in.

  
- How's the crowd?
- Uh, it's pretty full.

  
Pretty full?
What does that mean?

  
Nothing. It's a big crowd.

  
- It's a packed house.
- Great! Let's do it.

  
Uh, Buck, this way.

  
Let's do it!

  
Are you ready?

  
Yes, of course
I'm ready. Let's go.

  
He's ready. House lights down,
stage lights down, cue tape.

  
...search in sullen silence
on a dull dark dock...

  
Ladies and gentlemen, it is
my pleasure to introduce to you a man

  
who has performed in over 27 countries

  
on radio, television,
and other media,

  
including "The Tonight Show
with Johnny Carson."

  
- Presenting the Great Buck Howard!
- Spotlight.

  
Whoa! There we go!

  
Stupid amateurs.

  
I love this town.

  
All right. Next cue's in 15 minutes
when he goes over to the piano.

  
I'll be outside.

  
Now, ladies and gentlemen,
I will need a volunteer.

  
In fact, these two handsome,

  
strapping young lads
down in front will do perfectly...

  
Here's the thing
that struck me about Buck

  
as I watched
the progression of his show:

  
He was cheesy...
there was no denying that...

  
but he also had
a sort of timeless charm

  
that the audience
really seemed to love.

  
Uh-oh.

  
Uh-oh.

  
Now, I asked you to choose
a number between one and 100.

  
But you didn't, did you?

  
I guess I didn't.

  
Did you choose the number zero?

  
Whoa.

  
- Whoa, zero.
- God...

  
Zero.

  
Isn't that wild, folks?
Isn't that wild?

  
...deep and profound sleep.

  
Nighty-night.

  
What the world needs now

  
Is love, sweet love...

  
Now I'll need to impose
on you one last time

  
before I vanish.

  
I will need four volunteers,
two of whom

  
will go with me
to the green room.

  
The other two will stay
here in the auditorium...

  
Hey.

  
...and they will take
my entire fee in cash

  
and they will hide
that fee in here.

  
If I am unable to find
that cash when I return,

  
that money will stay here
in Bakersfield, California.

  
I love this town!

  
I saw him do this
last week in Stockton.

  
Apparently he's never
failed to find his money

  
in over 5,000 tries.

  
Hmm.

  
I'll let you choose
your four volunteers.

  
Guys, come on.
We have to go to the green room.

  
Gentlemen, this is
my entire entourage,

  
just so you can see there's
absolutely nothing fishy going on

  
while they hide my money.

  
You'll be my witnesses.

  
Would either of you like
a signed photograph?

  
- Oh...
- Yeah.

  
Alan, some signed photos,
colored ones, please.

  
I don't see
any of the colored ones.

  
Seek and ye shall find, Alan.
They're in there.

  
My ink pen, please. Ink pen.

  
- Thank you, Troy.
- Black and white's fine.

  
No, it's not. It's not fine.

  
- Alan?
- Buck, these are the only ones we have.

  
Mr. Howard,
they're ready for you.

  
Oh, well that's fantastic news.

  
Sorry, folks,
there won't be any photograph

  
due to Alan's incompetence.

  
I'd still like a black and white.

  
What's the point in having
a black and white?

  
What's the point?

  
Let's go.

  
- Thanks a lot.
- I'm sorry.

  
Sir, may I look
in your right shoe, please?

  
Oh, well.
I thought it would be more.

  
How did he do that?

  
I love this town!

  
- ...in front of these people.
- The only humiliation is

  
- that you're incompetent.
- That's not true!

  
- It is true.
- Come out and say that to my face!

  
Go on, get the hell out of here.

  
Leave the petty cash with Troy.

  
- That's my money.
- Oh yeah, Buck?

  
Well, you suck!

  
I can't train you anymore. You're gonna
have to figure it out for yourself.

  
I don't even know where to begin.

  
It's not that complicated. Listen,

  
if you take this job,
you're an idiot.

  
Do you underst...

  
Troy, I'm sorry
you had to see this.

  
Edward, this wouldn't be
a pleasant story.

  
I'm sure you wouldn't
want to write that down.

  
Alan, I think it's time
for you to leave.

  
- No, okay...
- Otherwise, I'm gonna call security.

  
Oh, call security, you fossil!

  
Well, I guess this
is adios, fellas.

  
Excuse me for interrupting.
Could I have your autograph?

  
Anything for a beautiful young lady.

  
Oh!

  
Did you enjoy the show?

  
Oh, I didn't see the show. In fact,
I didn't even know you were here.

  
There was nothing about it
in the paper or anything.

  
I used to watch you all the time
on the Carson show, though.

  
That's super.

  
There you go.

  
Thank you.

  
Something's bothering you, it seems.

  
That whole thing with Alan...

  
Alan and I have been
having problems for years.

  
That's why I had to let him go.

  
Troy, I know you have
aspirations beyond this job.

  
Well, no matter what you decide
to do in the future,

  
you'll need life experience.
I can give you that.

  
Some very big things
are about to happen for me.

  
What kind of things?

  
Well, Troy, why don't you
stick around a while,

  
work with me?
Maybe you'll find out.

  
Deal?

  
I dove in.

  
My life became
all Buck Howard all the time.

  
The auditoriums
we played in were old

  
and usually half full
but Buck didn't seem to notice.

  
The minute he came out on stage,
he was in his element.

  
Buck walked the edge.
Everything he did,

  
he made the impossible
seem possible.

  
Isn't that wild?

  
It's wild!

  
Buck did have his following,

  
- and we went to them.
- I love this town!

  
For some reason, the people
of Akron, Ohio went nuts for him.

  
I saw parts of the country
I'd never seen before...

  
- Welcome to Willamette, Oregon!
- I love this town!

  
That I'd never heard of before...

  
Welcome to Wausau, Wisconsin!

  
I love this town!

  
Buck did have his quirks.

  
How much did you
tip the bellman?

  
$2.00.

  
That's it?

  
You represent me, Troy.

  
You're making me look cheap.

  
Here you go. Thanks.

  
Troy, can you come in here?

  
Did you just give
the bellman $10.00?

  
- Yes, why?
- It's far too much.

  
$1.00 cash, American, per bag.

  
I am not made of money.

  
And sometimes
he went beyond quirky.

  
They pick me up in a minivan.

  
This show is already ruined!

  
You are incompetent!

  
Yeah, Buck could
be difficult, frustrating,

  
and at times I had to wonder
why I put up with it all.

  
Mr. Howard.

  
I want to thank you
so much for having me.

  
I just wanted to say,
though, I won't be doing

  
the "You can call me RayJay" bit.

  
I don't want to do that.

  
And by the way,
is Mr. Takei here?

  
Um, no, he's uh...
he won't be with us this year.

  
My college roommate was managing

  
a multimillion dollar hedge fund

  
and here I was helping Buck Howard

  
with his benefit
starring Gary Coleman

  
and the guy from
the "Police Academy" movies.

  
The strange thing
was that I didn't mind.

  
- Hello, Buck Howard.
- It was kind of cool.

  
Or sad, depending on how
you looked at it.

  
You gotta tell me
how you do it.

  
I keep getting older
and you look the same.

  
- Clean living.
- Yeah, clean living,

  
and keeping all your money
under a mattress, right?

  
Anyhow, Buck, I want
to really thank you for calling me.

  
You know,
nobody calls me anymore.

  
Buck, we're ready to start.

  
Have a great show, everyone.

  
I would like to dedicate
this next song

  
to a once very very
dear friend of mine,

  
Sulu, from "the Star Trek,"

  
Mr. George Takei.

  
George,

  
may the force be in you.

  
What the world needs now...

  
No matter
how corny Buck's show could be,

  
and no matter how much
he yelled at me before it,

  
I never missed
the money effect.

  
It was the one part of the show
that always amazed me.

  
Ladies and gentlemen,
my money.

  
Ladies and gentlemen,
my money.

  
And without fail,
it always amazed the audience.

  
True, it would be a pleasure
to retrieve it personally.

  
As a gentlemen,
I fear I must refrain,

  
for my money
is in your brassiere.

  
Ladies and gentlemen,
there's the money!

  
I hadn't found my place in the world.

  
But this finale was Buck's place,

  
and just getting to be a part of it

  
made me feel like
I was on the right track.

  
Troy, we have the last
of the Great Buck autograph seekers.

  
A colored photograph.
To whom shall I address it?

  
Dad, what are you doing here?

  
I was gonna ask you
the same question.

  
- Uh...
- Troy, this is your father?

  
I didn't know
you had family in Leesburg.

  
He doesn't.

  
Sir, what a pleasure.

  
I'm Buck Howard.

  
But before
you congratulate me on the show

  
I have to congratulate
you on something.

  
I want you to know you have raised
a very fine young man

  
who is doing
a wonderful job for me.

  
Hmm. I thought
he was in law school,

  
because that's what he told me.

  
But I am thrilled to hear that
he's doing a wonderful job for you.

  
Uh-oh.

  
You know, Mr. Gable,
I can imagine how you feel.

  
My father didn't want me
to go into show business.

  
He wanted me to be
an accountant.

  
Obviously that wasn't my calling.

  
Yeah, well, I'm not gonna touch that.

  
But if carrying your bags
is Troy's calling, well then I just

  
wasted a lot of money
on his education.

  
- Dad.
- Troy, may I?

  
You know, sir,
I have a theory about that.

  
I call it my onwards
and upwards theory.

  
Perhaps you noticed
in the musical portion of my...

  
Listen, I'd like to
talk to my son alone.

  
Very well.
I was merely trying to add

  
a little perspectivo,
as the Latins say.

  
I think you've done that.

  
Very well. Good evening.

  
Troy, you can bring that and toss
my salad when you get back to the hotel.

  
That's a hell of a guy.

  
Dad, I'm sorry.

  
I haven't heard from you
in over a month.

  
I had to call your friends
like I was some kind of freaking cop.

  
I know.

  
I would have killed
to go to law school, Troy.

  
I would have killed.

  
I hated it.

  
- I wasn't happy. I...
- You think I danced out the front door

  
every morning
in my adult life happy

  
about where I was
gonna be spending my day?

  
I don't know what
you're doing here.

  
I don't think you do either.

  
But come on.
You're smarter than this.

  
You are.

  
You are smarter than this.

  
I hope he enjoys his Cobb salad.

  
I just don't think, uh...

  
I don't think
I can do this anymore.

  
I'm sorry.
I have to resign.

  
I have to resign.

  
Gil's not here yet?

  
Uh, no, he's not.

  
Buck, there's something
I need to discuss with you.

  
Sorry I'm late. Traffic.

  
Can we talk later?
We'll get back to this,

  
but there is some business
I need to discuss.

  
I've tried.

  
I'm on the horn to the guys
at Leno, Letterman, every week.

  
They want to have you on the show.
They're just booked tightly right now.

  
Letterman I understand
because I don't have a history there.

  
But this Jay Leno... I think
he's doing his show a great disservice

  
by not having me. I practically built
"The Tonight Show."

  
I know we need to get you
some attention right now.

  
I speak to the bookers in Vegas.

  
I tell them you're better now
than you've ever been.

  
They tell me
they just need to see it.

  
If they need to see something,

  
I've got something
I can show them.

  
For the past three years
I have been rehearsing in secret

  
a new effect. I can't even tell
either of you what it is.

  
It's not that I don't trust you,
but I cannot afford

  
that the tabloids
get a hold of this now.

  
Let me just say it is enormous.

  
And I think Cincinnati is
the perfect place to unveil it.

  
They have always
loved me in Ohio.

  
Not so much Ohio,
but Akron.

  
It's close to Cincinnat...
it's the same state.

  
I need you to call Steve Keating
in New York at the top P.R. firm.

  
I want local press
and national press.

  
I can feel this.
It's gonna be huge.

  
Cincinnati.

  
Welcome to Cincinnati!

  
I love this town!

  
- I'm Doreen.
- How do you do?

  
I'm Buck Howard.

  
This is my brother Kenny.

  
- Hello, Kenny. How are you?
- Good.

  
On behalf of both of us,

  
and the Cincinnati chapter
of the Red Hat Society,

  
I'd like to present you
with this pin.

  
Well, my goodness.

  
Isn't that beautiful?
Ow!

  
- Oh!
- Agh! Mmm!

  
You may have
drawn blood there.

  
- I'm so sorry.
- It's all right.

  
It's a beautiful pin
from a beautiful woman

  
and I will wear it
while I'm here.

  
The entire time I'm here,
I'll wear it for good luck.

  
Boy, I love to come
to these venues before the show,

  
but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to
get back to the hotel

  
because my press relations attache

  
has flown in for a rendezvous
from the borough of Manhattan.

  
That's no problem at all.
We're your hosts.

  
We'll be taking you anywhere you need
to go the whole time you're here.

  
That's how we do it
in Cincinnati.

  
I'm gonna drive you.
We got a limo and everything.

  
I saw you, 1989,
Bowling Green University.

  
You were awesome!
Do you remember that?

  
Honestly, I do
vaguely remember that.

  
But of course that's
nearly 20 years ago,

  
and I do 400 or so shows a year.

  
You do 400 shows a year?

  
Yeah, uh, I'm doing
the calculations in my head...

  
You might want
to face that way.

  
And I don't even see how 300 dates
is physically possible. I mean...

  
that's pretty much
a show every night, you know?

  
I mean, where do you perform
on Monday and Tuesday nights

  
and how does that
allow for travel time?

  
Troy, he has to be checked in
by now. It's Steve Keating. K-e-a.

  
Buck, I know how to spell.
I told him his name a thousand times.

  
They're saying
he hasn't checked in.

  
Well, this is absurd.
I have to do the TV show this afternoon.

  
I don't have
my press attaché,

  
I'm forced to be driven around
by these two hayseeds all day long.

  
Maybe that's him, Troy.
Get the door.

  
Hello.

  
Do I have the right room?
I'm looking for Buck Howard.

  
Troy, can you hang up
my pants, please?

  
How can I help you, miss?

  
Mr. Howard, I'm Valerie Brennan
from K.P.T. Steve couldn't make it.

  
There was this emergency
in London with Gary Oldman

  
so I will be working with you.

  
With you?
You're practically an embryo.

  
I really don't take this very well.

  
I'm sorry. I don't like
these kind of changes.

  
I have a very big weekend.

  
I have my show Saturday.

  
I have an enormous event
planned for Sunday.

  
And I know all about it.
I have been briefed.

  
It's gonna be perfect.

  
I know you hired Steve,

  
but I think I can fill in
for him quite capably.

  
All right, young lady,
we'll give it a shot, see how it goes.

  
Good. My name's Valerie.

  
Very well, Valerie.

  
This is Troy,
my road manager.

  
Hi.

  
So why don't you get some rest?

  
The news is
in a couple of hours

  
and I need to work
on your schedule.

  
If you could spare Troy,
that would be great.

  
He could help me roll some calls.

  
- Troy, do you mind?
- No.

  
Well, it was nice meeting you.

  
Thank you.

  
From the shining se-ee-ea...

  
So, you wanted to
go over something?

  
Oh, no. I just want
to go over a drink about now.

  
Can I have a scotch
on the rocks?

  
- And you, sir?
- Uh, same.

  
Very good.

  
I can't believe I'm in Cincinnati
with Buck Howard.

  
Can I ask you
something about Buck?

  
- Yeah.
- Is he gay?

  
'Cause we got a bet
going in the office.

  
I don't know.

  
So you're not his, um,

  
traveling companion, or...

  
- No.
- Okay. Okay.

  
It just looked
kind of domestic up in the room

  
with you handling his pants.

  
No, Buck's just my boss.

  
I'm just doing this to pay the bills,

  
you know, until I figure out...

  
What you really want to do.

  
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.

  
Okay, so, let me guess.

  
You... you're a good looking guy,
so you're an actor.

  
No.

  
Stand up?

  
Oh, God no.

  
Okay, hold on, hold on.

  
Um, you're a writer.

  
- Did I get it?
- No.

  
Yeah.

  
I do a little writing.

  
What little writing
have you done?

  
Just little stuff, silly stuff,

  
stuff that's happened to me, or stuff
that didn't happen that I wish happened,

  
things like that.

  
Well, you sound like
a writer to me.

  
Hmm.

  
Thank you.

  
Hey, I didn't say
you were a good writer.

  
Okay, I'm gonna go.

  
This was fun. It was nice.

  
So I'm gonna go freshen up
for our big night out.

  
I'll see you at dinner.

  
I can't believe that you know
Sulu from "Star Trek."

  
Hey, what about Spock?
You know him too?

  
I've met Leonard Nimoy
but I wouldn't say we're friends.

  
And for that matter, George and I

  
aren't on the best of terms
at the moment, I'm afraid.

  
Mr. Howard, have you
ever been married?

  
No, I've never met
the right little lady.

  
Yeah, right.

  
As Shirley MacLaine said,
"True love is supposed to be rare.

  
That's how we know
it's valuable."

  
That's beautiful.

  
Shirley's actually a client of ours.

  
She is a very nice woman.

  
You know Shirley MacLaine?

  
That's what I do. I arrange and
coordinate publicity for celebrities.

  
- Well, give us some dirt!
- No!

  
We want to know
who's sleeping with who!

  
- I take the fifth because...
- I know Shirley. She...

  
- I cannot say anything complimentary.
- She came to a show I did.

  
All right, tell us who's nice, then.

  
Okay. Um, so,

  
people like to make fun
of Keanu Reeves,

  
right, 'cause he's...

  
but he is one of the sweetest
guys you will ever meet.

  
Oh, you can tell that.

  
Tell him he kicked butt
in "The Matrix"!

  
- Tell him.
- Okay.

  
Um, and, um, Jay Leno...

  
he's just a regular guy
from Boston.

  
Just really down to earth,
really sweet.

  
You think Jay Leno is

  
just a regular sweet guy
from Boston?

  
You don't have the slightest idea
what you're talking about.

  
Well, I met Jay Leno
a number of times

  
and he's always
been really warm.

  
Then he was faking.

  
I know Jay Leno, missy.
I know him.

  
I've dealt with Jay Leno.

  
- You'll have to trust me on this one.
- I...

  
Buck Howard?
To makeup.

  
No, Buck. This way.

  
Let's do it!

  
I'll be right back. I have to go
call and check in on the boys.

  
She's great, my sister.

  
She's a genius,

  
very artistic, been married
a whole bunch of times.

  
She's lived a glamorous life.

  
Sounds like it.

  
Hey.

  
How does Buck do his tricks?

  
I'm not gonna tell anyone, I swear.

  
I don't know. I don't...

  
You're his assistant.
He's got to tell you something.

  
Kenny, as far as I know, it's real.

  
Damn.

  
They're gonna go to commercial
in a couple of minutes.

  
Then we're on.

  
The producer says
we can watch from the booth.

  
Okay.

  
You smell really nice.

  
Thanks.

  
Cindy Crown here,
back with magician Buck Howard,

  
or the Great Buck Howard
as he's more commonly known.

  
It is wonderful to have you
in Cincinnati, Buck.

  
Thanks, Cindy.
I'm very glad to be here.

  
Yes, and I understand
you're here for a very special show.

  
That's correct, Cindy.

  
On Saturday evening,

  
I will be performing

  
at the Cincinnati Arts Complex.

  
I was afraid Ohio
may have an arts complex,

  
but I never expected
it would be in Cincinnati.

  
And on Sunday afternoon,

  
I'll be staging
a very important event.

  
Why don't you tell us about that?

  
This has been top secret
to this very moment.

  
At roughly 2:00 P.M.,

  
I will put to sleep

  
900 souls,

  
whom I will wake up
immediately afterwards,

  
as if from the dead.

  
Well, that sounds just super.

  
Be sure to come out
for both events, folks.

  
Now, I've heard you're going
to do a warmup

  
by performing
a magic trick on me.

  
Take this piece of paper
in your left hand.

  
I'll need a coin. Ah!

  
Yes, there's one.

  
Oh!

  
I want you to hold
that silver dollar in your hand

  
between your thumb
and your forefinger.

  
I will begin counting.

  
Whenever you feel compelled, all you
need to do is simply drop the coin.

  
Ready?

  
One, two,

  
three,

  
four.

  
Five.

  
- 20 seconds, Cindy.
- six.

  
Cindy, you do understand
that at some point in time

  
- you have to let the coin drop.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

  
- Maybe I didn't understand.
- 10 seconds, Cindy.

  
We're almost out of time.

  
But we can do this
very quickly. Go ahead.

  
Hold out your hand.
We'll try it one more time very quickly.

  
Ready...

  
- I'm sorry, we are out of time, Buck.
- Oh my God.

  
- And thank you...
- Cut 'em off.

  
- Let's don't drop the coin...
- We're out.

  
Maybe you could come back
at some other point in the future.

  
Listen, I'm sorry.
Mr. Howard...

  
What the hell is wrong
with that guy?

  
He won't pick up his phone
and I'm trying to apologize.

  
I don't know what for,
but I am trying to apologize.

  
It's okay. Just relax.

  
Trust me.
This is what Buck is like.

  
Tomorrow he'll act like
nothing happened.

  
What are we doing here?

  
I mean, seriously,

  
how on earth does a guy like you

  
wind up working with Buck Howard?

  
- I want to know.
- I had just quit law school

  
and moved to L.A.

  
I bet you wish you'd just stayed in
school right about now.

  
No way.

  
Look, Buck is no picnic,

  
but law school was...
oh my God.

  
I would wake up every day there

  
just dreading life.

  
Look, I'll admit I have
no idea what I'm doing,

  
and obviously I've got to
quit this job and figure it out,

  
but I'm trying,

  
and it feels good.

  
It feels like what I'm supposed
to do, you know?

  
Oh, come on.
You're not supposed to do anything.

  
Life is not magical like that, okay?

  
No one is supposed to do anything.

  
How do you know that?

  
'Cause it boils down
to the same thing for everyone,

  
from Buck Howard
to Meryl Streep to you.

  
Most creative people, they just want
the world to love and adore them,

  
which is infantile.

  
Okay, all right.

  
Maybe I'm naive, but

  
life is short,

  
you know?
I mean, someday

  
we're not gonna be here.

  
And if that's the case,

  
I want to spend the time
that I have doing something

  
that makes my heart race.

  
I don't care what
that says about me.

  
It's how I feel.

  
That really turns me on.

  
Are you serious?

  
Yeah. That whole existential thing...

  
I have a boyfriend.

  
Oh, forget I said it.

  
- Hello?
- Troy, are you asleep?

  
Buck, no, I'm awake.

  
I just think I'm coming down
with something. What's up?

  
Where the hell is Valerie?

  
She's supposed to be
organizing interviews for me today.

  
I have no idea where she is.

  
I don't know where she is exactly,

  
but I'm sure she's on top of it.

  
I'll try and track her down.

  
I was just on my way
to the theater right now.

  
Well, I'll be in my room preparing
for the show tonight.

  
I don't want to be disturbed
unless it's for press.

  
Okay.

  
Spotlight on me.
Buck will enter stage right,

  
come up to the microphone...
"I love this town"...

  
do a few effects.

  
Eventually he will come
over to the piano.

  
Basically just stay on Buck
the whole time. That's all you...

  
- Hi.
- Mmm.

  
- Uh...
- Oh, uh...

  
I have to show you something.

  
Edward's article.

  
Now, I heard it was coming,

  
and I heard it was bad...

  
it's, I mean, yeah...

  
he pretty much makes fun
of Buck the entire time.

  
Okay.

  
Uh, we can't let him see this.

  
No, it's this one
right here, Mr. Howard.

  
Oh.

  
Mr. Howard, I just wanted to
ask you if it would be okay

  
for me to introduce you
before the show tonight.

  
No, it wouldn't be okay.
I'm always introduced on tape...

  
always have been, always will be.

  
That's a nice outfit, though.
Very becoming.

  
Just there, Kenny.
Thank you.

  
- Kenny, that will be all, thank you.
- Yep, okay.

  
I'm all over there.

  
Troy, this is urgent.

  
I don't want this Kenny fellow
anywhere near me.

  
Our policy is "Out of the way, freak,
I have to catch a train."

  
Do you understand?

  
Give him a photo,
a colored one.

  
Actually, no, get him
a black and white.

  
Second thing... why didn't we do
any more interviews today?

  
What is the mental midget
Valerie doing?

  
She got you an interview today.

  
In fact, they're on
their way here right now.

  
- With who?
- An internet columnist.

  
I don't even know that paper.

  
And it's here and now,
in a few minutes.

  
I knew nothing about it.

  
This is the time I have
to prepare for the show, Troy,

  
and what good would it do
to do an interview now?

  
I think Valerie is concentrating
more on tomorrow's big event.

  
She was told that the locals here
would pack the place tonight.

  
Buck, I have Mark Simpson
here to interview you.

  
Hello, young man.
I have heard a lot about you.

  
- I'm a really big fan.
- Whoa.

  
Come on over, sit with me.
Pull you up a chair.

  
I won't have long to give you.

  
I've had a lot of press today.

  
Buck, are you ready?

  
Yeah.

  
Okay, Jeff, Buck is ready.

  
House lights down.

  
Cue tape.

  
Stage lights, please.

  
- What is she doing?
- Thank you.

  
It's okay.
She's got a big surprise for you.

  
I wanted to welcome
the Great Buck Howard...

  
- Oh my God.
- to Cincinnati in my own special way,

  
so I composed a little song.
I hope he likes it.

  
Troy, stop her.

  
How?

  
Do you believe in magic?

  
Well, Buck Howard is here

  
He's gonna give a great show

  
So you don't have to fear

  
There'll be some magic

  
And some mentalism too

  
And if we're really lucky

  
He might even play the pian-oo

  
Do you believe in magic?

  
Do you believe
in ma-a-gic?

  
Do you believe in ma-a-a-gic?

  
Ladies and gentlemen,
the Great Buck Howard!

  
Come on, Buck!

  
The Great Buck Howard,
everybody!

  
That was the most amateurish thing

  
I've had to live
through in 40 years.

  
She nearly ruined the show.

  
There is a reason, Troy,
I am called the Great Buck Howard.

  
Not the Okay Buck Howard,
not the not Bad Buck Howard,

  
- the Great Buck Howard!
- I know. I'm sorry.

  
I do not want to see
either of those people

  
for the remainder of our stay here.

  
We rent our own car, a cheap one,

  
and we drive ourselves around.

  
- Do you understand?
- Okay.

  
I barely got this show
back tonight, Troy.

  
The audience thought
we were clowns.

  
And by the way,
you are partially to blame.

  
Buck, there is no way
I could have known

  
that she was gonna pull that.

  
Yes, that's true.
You only could have known

  
if you were someone
who is observant.

  
But you're clearly not
someone who is observant.

  
Could you leave
my dressing room, please?

  
- He seemed really pissed.
- He was.

  
She just wanted to sing,
man, you know?

  
Kenny, I don't know
what to tell you,

  
but this is the way it's gotta be.

  
Yeah.

  
He wanted you to have
one of these, though.

  
Now that's class.

  
We mess up his whole show,

  
but he's still got enough goodness

  
to give me a really cool picture.

  
I will treasure this, Troy.

  
I know you will.

  
Who's this guy?

  
That's Alan.
He was Buck's road manager before me.

  
There's like
a whole section about him.

  
Buck is gonna die
when he sees this.

  
It's hard to feel bad for him.

  
He has this face
you just want to punch.

  
How does he do
the things in his act?

  
I mean, how does
he find the money?

  
- And I know you know.
- I don't know.

  
I heard he has a guy
who travels around with him

  
and he slips into the audience
and he tells him where the money is.

  
How? When?
He's being watched the whole time.

  
- He has a hearing aid.
- He does not have a hearing aid.

  
Besides, that is impractical.

  
Buck would have to have
someone on payroll year round,

  
and he's too much
of a cheapskate for that.

  
You're cute,

  
'cause you like believing
he's real, don't you?

  
I cannot wait for
this weekend to be over.

  
Not that it...
I didn't mean about...

  
I just hate working with...

  
you're great. This has been...

  
It's okay. It's okay.

  
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't even be here.

  
I should just...

  
go back to my...

  
room.

  
Right?

  
Yeah, you should
just go to your room.

  
Go ahead. Go.
I'll see you in the morning.

  
What?

  
- Go to your room.
- Troy, I...

  
I was just... are you...?

  
No, stay.

  
A night on my own
in Cincinnati...

  
By this point,

  
all I could really think
was one thing...

  
thank God I did not quit
this job before Cincinnati.

  
The town hadn't been
as kind to Buck, though.

  
But that didn't matter, because the
whole weekend was about his big effect.

  
Buck was counting on it
to change everything for him.

  
And on the day,
it looked like it just might.

  
You're very good at what you do,

  
'cause this is a lot of people.

  
There's like 300 so far,

  
and the press turnout's great.

  
So yeah, if you just tell him

  
to go get ready, we're good.

  
Okay.

  
Thank you ma'am. Hi, just sign here
and make your way...

  
Thank you. Silence, please.
I need complete silence.

  
I have already begun
to take a mental picture

  
of each and every one of you here.

  
If I feel you are not suited

  
to this task,

  
I will tap you on the shoulder

  
and for your own safety

  
you will go off to one side,

  
where you will become
an observer

  
and no longer a participant.

  
Please focus on me.

  
Let no outside stimuli

  
break this little bubble
we've formed between us.

  
This is getting to be
the ideal group.

  
We're almost ready to begin.

  
Stop.

  
Members of the press,
we're delighted that you're here,

  
but in order to ensure
your ability to cover this event,

  
I urge you not to listen
too carefully to what I am going to say.

  
Please. Now, let us begin.

  
Ladies and gentlemen,
listen to the sound of my voice

  
and only my voice.

  
I will now count from one to 20.

  
While I am counting, you will slowly
feel yourselves becoming tired.

  
In fact, more than tired.
You will feel exhausted.

  
But this is good.

  
You have come
to the right place.

  
This is the ideal locale
to lie down and take a rest.

  
If you decide to lower yourselves

  
down to the ground,

  
be my guest. One, two,

  
three, four...

  
Hey hey.

  
six, seven...

  
eight, nine...

  
- Where are you going?
- 10...

  
Where are you all going?
Somebody has to stay here.

  
11, 12...

  
Jerry Springer has had
some frickin' accident

  
and everyone's leaving to cover it.

  
- Did you say Jerry Springer?
- 15...

  
Jerry Springer used
to be like the mayor of Cincinnati...

  
- 17...
- Are they gonna come back?

  
- Where was the accident? Was it close?
- Columbia Parkway.

  
It was close.

  
20.

  
Jeez, he did it.

  
Jerry Springer got into
a car accident on the Columbia Parkway

  
and they all got
called away to cover it.

  
- Who?
- Jerry Springer.

  
He was on a TV show a while back.
It was kind of a big thing.

  
Prior to his TV show
he was the mayor of Cincinnati,

  
so he's kind of popular here.

  
It's this pin. It is cursed!

  
Let's go.

  
I give up.

  
Buck...

  
What?

  
These people are still asleep.

  
Wake up.

  
Wake up.

  
Wake up!

  
Wake up.

  
Make your way,
thank you very much for coming.

  
Buck, I'm really sorry
about your thing, it's...

  
Let me get this straight...

  
the entire local press corps had
to leave to cover a traffic accident?

  
Yeah, uh... yeah.

  
Why didn't you get
the national press here

  
as I asked?
They wouldn't have had to leave.

  
I tried and I couldn't
get any to come.

  
No, I'm sure you couldn't,
because you were so busy

  
servicing Troy's needs
that you couldn't service mine.

  
- Buck!
- Don't say a word.

  
I've just performed
one of the most stunning feats

  
in the history of mentalism,

  
and there was no one to see it.

  
This was going to change
everything for me.

  
The two of you have delayed
my resurgence by months.

  
And I will have you fired
tomorrow morning, I promise you.

  
Let's go, Troy.

  
I wasn't gonna give you this,

  
didn't want to be the one.

  
But now I just don't care.

  
Goodbye, Buck.

  
Buck, you can't just...

  
forget it. Valerie!

  
- Valerie, wait.
- I just want to get out of here, okay?

  
- My blood is boiling.
- I don't blame you.

  
I'm done, Troy. Never in my life
have I been spoken to...

  
- I'm done.
- I know. Me too.

  
Excuse me.

  
One, two, three, four, five,

  
one, two,
three, four, five,

  
one, two, three,
four, five...

  
He's fine. We're gonna keep him
overnight and run some tests,

  
but I think it was
just exhaustion.

  
Really?
So he's gonna be okay?

  
Well, he did pinch a nerve.

  
Whoever gave him C.P.R.
didn't know what they were doing.

  
Thank you.

  
- This is it.
- yeah.

  
Yeah.

  
It's been really nice
being with you, Troy,

  
you know, and...

  
just... you know,
I'm in L.A. all the time

  
and maybe I'll call you sometime,
you know, when I'm...

  
in L.A.

  
- Have a safe trip.
- Okay.

  
One thing... you...

  
you've gotta quit this job.

  
You know you can do better,

  
and I know people.
I could probably help.

  
- Okay?
- Okay.

  
It is over for Buck
and everyone knows it but him.

  
No, it's not life-threatening.

  
He just fainted.

  
Look, my wife said
she's leaving me

  
if I let a client ruin
another vacation.

  
I can't go unless his life
is in imminent danger.

  
Gil, what am
I supposed to do here?

  
What do you mean?

  
Isn't there someone
I should call or notify?

  
No. Troy, there's no one.

  
It's just you.

  
Okay.

  
I am going to sue
that human rectum Edward

  
and his disgusting magazine

  
right out of business.

  
They were deceptive, malicious,

  
not to mention I was supposed
to be on the cover.

  
I'm sorry about some
of the things I said.

  
I was very upset.
It wasn't you.

  
I never told anyone this,

  
but I did do
"The Tonight Show" 61 times,

  
but I didn't appear once
in Johnny's last 10 years.

  
I have no idea why.

  
They just stopped calling.
No one ever explained.

  
Even at the end
when Johnny was retiring,

  
I kept hoping that he'd call
for one last show,

  
but he never did.

  
That's actually when I realized
that it was probably over for me.

  
I've been denying it ever since.

  
It's exhausting.

  
You still entertain
a lot of people, Buck.

  
You still put on a good show.

  
A good show. A good show.

  
How are we today, Mister...

  
Howard?

  
Horrible!

  
How's Gary Singer?

  
You mean Jerry Springer.
Very well.

  
It was a minor accident.

  
He checked out last night.

  
I'm sorry to hear that.

  
Seeing Buck like this was hard.

  
Despite everything,
I'd come to feel

  
not exactly affection for him,

  
but something like it.

  
This was the end, though,

  
and just like Valerie had said,

  
it was over for Buck.

  
Legendary performer
and mentalist Buck Howard

  
collapsed and was rushed
to University Hospital yesterday.

  
Conflicting reports suggest
that Mr. Howard suffered

  
somewhat of
a mental breakdown

  
after setting a new world record
in a stunning performance...

  
...is best known
for his many appearances

  
on "The Tonight Show
with Johnny Carson"...

  
Our reporter Judd McKinley
was on hand yesterday

  
and got this eyewitness footage.

  
And Mr. Howard,
he seemed totally out of it...

  
Delivery for Mr. Howard.

  
Call Gil and tell him
I'm in imminent danger.

  
He'll know what it means.

  
This train is leaving the station

  
and we've got to be on it.

  
And bring these bouquets.
They're worth a lot of money.

  
The legendary mentalist
Buck Howard,

  
best known for his many appearances on
"The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson,"

  
checked himself out of a hospital
in Cincinnati on Monday,

  
after the completion
of a highly taxing stunt

  
where he put some
800 people to sleep.

  
Mary Hart was just the beginning.

  
No one could have predicted it,

  
but suddenly Buck was hip.

  
David, it's great
to have you on T.R.L.

  
Everyone's enjoying you here.

  
We do have a big
surprise for you here.

  
We're gonna bring him out.

  
Ladies and gentlemen,
the Great Buck Howard! Come on out!

  
I love this town!

  
And I love this man,
David Blainefield!

  
Thank you very much.
Thank you.

  
Why don't we just
mentally shake hands?

  
Do you have insight
into the mindset of the kids today?

  
What's your take on kids today?

  
I suppose I have
some degree of insight,

  
and I have one major worry,

  
and that worry can be
summed up in one word:

  
drugs.

  
Today we'll be preparing
one of Buck Howard's original recipes

  
from his new book,
"Mentally Cooked."

  
Since this picture was taken, it looks
like you've had a little work done,

  
- around the eyes, I think.
- No, nothing's changed.

  
You don't have to be
defensive about it.

  
- No, I don't.
- A lot of people have work done.

  
But not me.

  
Now, Buck, this is quite incredible.
You're hip now.

  
Are you aware that you're hip?

  
I'm aware that I'm hip,

  
and I have to say, Colin,

  
- I've always been hip.
- It's Conan.

  
Oh, right.

  
I love this town!

  
Buck, how are you? Whoa!

  
Wow!

  
Buck, it's good to have you here.

  
- It's great to be back.
- Oh my gosh, yes indeed.

  
I don't think I'll be the same.

  
Buck, I've got a friend
of yours backstage

  
who you haven't seen
in quite a while now.

  
So I'm gonna bring him out
right now. You ready?

  
Ladies and gentlemen,
George Takei!

  
What the world
needs now

  
Is love, sweet love

  
It's the only thing...

  
- I love this man!
- That there's

  
Just too little of.

  
In the wake
of this whole crazy circus,

  
the call came in that Buck
had been waiting for.

  
It was Vegas. There was talk
of a headline spot,

  
even a long-term deal.

  
But now, Buck
wouldn't hear of it.

  
And why would he?
He was beyond Vegas.

  
He was bigger
than he had ever been,

  
and he was about to make
a triumphant return to the place

  
where it had all started for him.

  
It's "The Tonight Show
with Jay Leno,"

  
featuring Kevin Eubanks
and the Tonight Show band.

  
Tonight, Jay welcomes
Tom Arnold,

  
mentalist Buck Howard...

  
okay.

  
And now, Jay Leno!

  
...you're right. I can't tell you.

  
- We're about out of time.
- Okay okay.

  
Do you even have
anything to promote?

  
No, I just came to hang out.

  
You're not
at the Chuckle Hut next week?

  
No, I just got nowhere to go.

  
Tom, we gotta go.
My apologies to magician Buck Howard.

  
We were not able to
bring him on tonight,

  
we were having so much
fun with Tom,

  
time got away with us.
We'll have him back at another time.

  
Good night. Stay tuned for Conan,
coming up next. Good night, everybody!

  
So, I'm bumped for Tom Arnold.

  
I don't even know who that is.

  
Hey, Buck,
I am so sorry, man.

  
My wife left me for a rich guy

  
and my mom got busted
for crystal meth,

  
so I had a lot of funny material.

  
It just kept going on.

  
You inspired me
to come to Hollywood.

  
Do you remember this?
1978, Ottumwa, Iowa,

  
the coliseum?
You signed this for me. You rocked.

  
Excuse me.
Buck, Jay wanted me to tell you

  
he's very sorry.
It couldn't be helped.

  
- Buck. Buck.
- Thank you, Buck. You rocked!

  
Come on, you're not the first person
in the world to get bumped.

  
We want to have
you on next week.

  
Do you know how many times
I did "The Tonight Show"?

  
61. Do you know how many times
Johnny Carson bumped me?

  
Zero. None. Nada.

  
You can tell Jay to take
his apology and shove it!

  
Do you want to be on
the show next week or not?

  
That man is Satan.

  
And Buck Howard
does not work with Satan.

  
Gil, call Vegas.
Let's hear what they have to say.

  
Hello hello.

  
Hi.

  
Hello.

  
Hey.

  
Welcome back to Vegas, Buck!

  
- Thank you.
- Hey. Dan Green.

  
Nice to meet you, Dan.

  
Michael Perry... oh, wow.
Quite a handshake.

  
The old Buck Howard handshake.
That's fantastic.

  
By the way, a great job
on the Stewarts... Jon and Martha.

  
Unbelievable, really.

  
- Good exposure for you.
- Buck, you look great.

  
- I mean the whole... the...
- Very fresh.

  
- It's got a...
- Yeah, it's terrific.

  
Listen, I'm gonna jump in.

  
Buck, as Gil already knows,
we've been courting you.

  
After the comeback you've had
we think Vegas is

  
- the perfect place for you.
- Perfect.

  
We don't mean
to offend at all, but we did

  
- conduct some initial research...
- Yeah, and so Gilly sent us

  
a few tapes, and we screened them
for a focus group, and...

  
Yeah. The magic-slash-mentalist
part of the show

  
where you're doing the hypnosis

  
and you're looking for your money

  
- scored really high.
- Yeah, through the roof.

  
However, the piano and the standup
portion of your show...

  
- Mmm, not so much.
- A little more on the lower end.

  
- Yeah. Not bad...
- No, not awful.

  
Just... a... little...

  
Any thoughts?

  
Well, I, um...

  
I want to get back to Vegas,

  
and it's not that
I don't find it sickening

  
that people don't like
the standup and the piano,

  
but I'm open for suggestion.

  
- Ah.
- Great. Okay.

  
- That's what we wanted to hear.
- That's where we were headed.

  
That's Teddy.

  
I'll be right back.

  
We're not gonna change anything big.
It is the Buck Howard show.

  
Oh, Buck, I gotta tell you, my mom...

  
This was Buck's shot.

  
The hype had died down
and now this is what was left.

  
Maybe this is where Buck belonged...
back in Vegas,

  
with his name in bright lights.

  
Ladies and gentlemen,

  
get ready for a night
that will overwhelm your senses,

  
expand your mind,
and thrill your soul.

  
Presenting the Great Buck Howard!

  
And your number is...

  
- 17.
- Oh my God!

  
Show the crowd.

  
How 'bout that, folks?

  
Isn't that wild, folks?

  
Isn't that wild? It's wild!

  
Ladies and gentlemen,
in a few moments time

  
these fine citizens will wake up
with a snap of my finger.

  
They will believe someone has
removed all of their clothes...

  
and that they are standing
in front of you,

  
shall we say, buck naked.

  
Isn't that wild, folks?
Isn't that wild?

  
Gil, do you have a second?

  
Look, this could not be going better.

  
- Love it.
- We're really happy...

  
Now, ladies and gentlemen,

  
these two people
will come backstage with me

  
to keep an eye on me to make sure
there's no funny business,

  
and these two people
will hide my fee in cash

  
somewhere in this auditorium.

  
You have my fee.

  
All right, shall we?

  
Here we go. Man of the hour.

  
Great job, Buck.
It's going great.

  
Hey, Buck,
let me ask you something.

  
How do they work
this thing with your money?

  
What do you mean?

  
I assume the casino pays you
by the month, right?

  
So is that a week's
worth of cash out there?

  
- Honey, shh.
- What? I'm curious.

  
- Um...
- Excuse me. I'm sorry. Hi.

  
I work for the casinos, sir,
and it's a good question.

  
The agreement we have with Buck

  
is that if he's unable
to find the money,

  
a pro-rated sum
for tonight's show only,

  
it is deducted from his salary
and donated to charity.

  
Boring!

  
- They're ready for you.
- Mr. Howard...

  
- We're here to party.
- ...they're ready for you.

  
- Gotta get out there!
- Go get 'em, Buck!

  
As I went back
to watch him finish the show,

  
I had this feeling that
it was time for me to move on.

  
I was Buck's road manager,
and his days on the road were over.

  
Now for this next effect

  
I will need complete silence,

  
absolute concentration.
Thank you.

  
Two-year deal. Buck did it.

  
Yes, his show had changed...

  
the doves, the scarves...

  
but it seemed like Buck was okay
with these compromises.

  
And despite it all,
his show still came down to this,

  
his signature effect,

  
the thing he had
always been known for.

  
Gil, is he all right?

  
Oh, just fine.

  
But then, suddenly,

  
for the first time
in a nearly 40-year career,

  
Buck couldn't find his money.

  
And just like that, it was over.

  
So here you are.

  
What are you gonna do now, kid?

  
Well, um,

  
I've been doing some writing.

  
Really?
Like for a newspaper?

  
No, different kind of writing.

  
Oh. You mean the kind
where they don't pay you.

  
Well, I'm hoping eventually,
but so far, yeah.

  
You don't remember because
you were a little kid.

  
But your mom and I,
we barely made it in the beginning.

  
- we struggled...
- So that I wouldn't have to.

  
Yes, I know.

  
That's right.
But I didn't have a choice.

  
You do.

  
So, how about this...

  
you come back home,
you save up your money,

  
you go back to school...
hear me out, now,

  
just hear me out.

  
Entertainment law.

  
- Entertainment law.
- Dad, stop.

  
I wish I could
go back to school.

  
I know that if I do,
I'd be set, but I can't.

  
I have to try this.

  
It might be a crazy dream.

  
I might fail miserably,

  
but I have to at least try.

  
Otherwise, I'm not going
to be happy at anything.

  
Okay.

  
Good luck.

  
You are aware that the word
"writer" rarely appears

  
without the word
"starving" in front of it.

  
So you better finish
your breakfast.

  
And then take me
to the airport.

  
I gotta get out of Los Angeles.

  
My dad was right.
I did need to make money.

  
But I had learned from Buck

  
that when you do
the thing you love,

  
somehow, magically,
you find the money.

  
- Hi. Hi.
- Hi.

  
- How are you?
- I'm good.

  
Wow, so yeah,
that's Jonathan Finerman.

  
Yes, you remember him?
His show just got picked up

  
and we've just been doing press
round the clock.

  
I grew up watching him.
He was huge.

  
But I still don't understand

  
why he would want
to meet with me.

  
The writer's assistant got fired,
and I just mentioned you.

  
Troy, this could be
so great for you.

  
Most of the assistants,
they make staff in like a year or two.

  
It would be really good.

  
I don't usually do this sort of thing,
but I had to meet you.

  
You used to work
for Buck Howard.

  
Yeah, I did.

  
I've been a fan of his
ever since I was a kid.

  
I also do a little
amateur magic myself.

  
There's always been something
I've been curious about,

  
not that it matters...

  
I don't know how
he finds the money.

  
That's not what
I was gonna ask.

  
Is he gay?

  
I'm just wondering.

  
I don't know.

  
I never saw him with anyone, so...

  
Yeah, well...

  
the thing about the money,
I found that out. That's a total scam.

  
Really? How?

  
He wears an earpiece.

  
I've heard about this.

  
And there's a guy that travels with him
that tells him where the money is.

  
I think I would have noticed.

  
He travels separate.

  
No one is even sure what
the guy looks like.

  
He sees where the money is,

  
goes to the restroom
or out to his car...

  
only takes a second...

  
whispers into a microphone,
it goes right into Buck's ear.

  
"Third row,
lady in the green sweater."

  
And his job is done.

  
No, I don't believe it.

  
You're loyal. I like that.

  
Who would have thought
that Buck Howard on your resume

  
- would land you a job?
- Not me.

  
And seriously,
thank you very much

  
- for arranging this. It went very well.
- Come on.

  
So, thank you. I mean it.

  
Okay, well, I'm over here.

  
So, that boyfriend of yours,
how's that working out?

  
And you ask just because
you're concerned about my well-being?

  
Yes, of course.

  
Of course
I'm very very concerned.

  
I'll call you.

  
Okay.

  
Preferably late at night, drunk.

  
Always!

  
Okay. Bye.

  
And just like that,
I began a whole new life.

  
Still, I thought
about Buck all the time.

  
He had just disappeared
after that night in Vegas.

  
I wondered what
exactly had gone wrong.

  
Buck had never failed
to find his money before.

  
It didn't make sense.

  
But then again,
maybe it proved he was real.

  
'Cause when you think about it,

  
only something fake could
work 100% of the time.

  
Regardless, I just wished there was
some way I could know that he was okay,

  
maybe talk to him one more time.

  
Come in.

  
- Hey, Buck.
- Troy! My goodness!

  
- How are you?
- I brought you something.

  
Look at that. Brandy.
That's very kind of you.

  
What are you doing here?

  
Just thought I'd take a trip up,
check out the show.

  
Come in.

  
Buck, it's 30 minutes to showtime.

  
Troy, this is Russell,
my new road manager.

  
Russell, Troy used to have yourjob,
but Troy understood

  
the importance of not looking
like a bum on the job.

  
Your tie.

  
You're not in a bar.

  
Come back when it's five minutes
and I need some water.

  
Actually, there is
some water right there.

  
That's distilled water.
I'm not an iron.

  
I drink spring water, remember?

  
Thank you.

  
So, you've come out of retirement.

  
Oh, I'll never give up, Troy.

  
So, why are you here?

  
What happened in Vegas?

  
Did you blow it on purpose?

  
Because that is the only explanation
that I can think of.

  
I know you wear an earpiece

  
and you have someone
in the audience

  
who tells you
where the money is.

  
Troy, that thing about the earpiece
has been going around for years.

  
It's a rumor.
Do you want to check?

  
No, it doesn't matter.

  
It's not important.

  
Look, I get it. It is a show.

  
You are there to entertain.

  
I understand.

  
I just want to know,
for myself.

  
What happened in Vegas?

  
You know, I don't really belong

  
in Vegas anymore.

  
I belong in places like these.

  
I love what I do.
I love these towns.

  
I love these people.

  
And I would never
cheat them, ever.

  
Watch the show tonight.

  
Thank you,
ladies and gentlemen.

  
I can't tell you how delighted
I am to be back in Bakersfield.

  
I love this town!

  
As I settled in
to watch Buck's show,

  
it struck me

  
this was the first time
I was seeing it as an audience member.

  
I want you to take
this piece of paper...

  
And it was his old show.

  
The changes he had made
in Vegas were gone

  
as if they had never happened.

  
And somehow it felt right.

  
It was actually kind of
beautiful in a way.

  
...because I know
what the number is.

  
The number you have
written down is the number 77.

  
Is that correct?

  
Show the audience.

  
Isn't that wild?

  
What the world needs now

  
Is love, sweet love...

  
When I tap them
on their left shoulder,

  
they will be sound asleep
in their chairs.

  
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall...

  
Humpty Dumpty had
a great fall...

  
As the show neared its finale,

  
I saw that Buck had actually
made one small change.

  
And this one was just for me.

  
For many years
there have been rumors

  
that I employ some sort
of listening device

  
to aid me with this effect.

  
I would like to address
those rumors tonight.

  
Is there a doctor in the house?

  
Oh, there are two.

  
May I ask you both to come
onstage, please?

  
Take these instruments.
Please look in my ears

  
and tell the public
if I have any kind

  
of listening device whatsoever.

  
It's all clear.

  
Thank you.

  
Now, to convince

  
even the most hardened skeptics,

  
I will also put
this hood over my head.

  
I will ask you all to clap in unison

  
while my fee is being rehidden

  
here in the auditorium.

  
And I am ready.

  
They're done.

  
Thank you.

  
Ladies and gentlemen,
members of the public,

  
I may have to inconvenience you
one more time.

  
I must have, please,
for this effect, complete silence.

  
I couldn't watch because I knew

  
Buck wasn't going
to find the money.

  
I could only guess

  
that whatever Buck
had used in the past,

  
whether it was an earpiece
or his own powers,

  
it was gone now.

  
And for the first time, I realized

  
I wanted to believe
that Buck would always be out there,

  
in some small town somewhere,

  
showing people that
the impossible was possible,

  
that there was magic in this world.

  
But that wasn't meant to be.

  
This time it was
really over for Buck.

  
- Sir, you have the money.
- I'm sorry. I don't have it.

  
Sir, you have the money
in your left pocket.

  
I love this town!