Voila! Finally, the Dead Snow script is here for all you fans of the black comedy also knows as Død snø in Norway. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. At least you'll have some Dead Snow quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?
And swing on back to Drew's
Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.
Dead Snow Script
Hey. Listen to this.
It says that a man was skiing in the mountain wilds.
It actually says "mountain wilds".
In the middle of two mountain tops, he starts
yelling for his dog.
- "Avalanche!"
- Not very clever...
When he was found two days later he had dug
himself 6 meters... Downwards.
- What?
- That's pretty normal actually, -
- because if you're taken by an avalanche you get
so disoriented that you won't know which way is up.
So many starts digging the wrong way.
- I would easily find the right way.
- You should just spit!
Have no one been in the military?
If you're stuck under the snow after an avalance,
you should spit to find out which way to dig.
Just lie there and slobber on yourself?
- Slobber?
- It means drooling.
- Dribble.
- Dribble.
You owe me a coke.
The spit will run downwards, so you
just dig the opposite way.
- Gravity, as easy as that.
- Can you remember stuff from the military?
I can only remember my duty number...
69...
- Speaking of 69 Martin...
- No thanks. Not interested.
Oh, damn it.
- I mean of course Hanna's cousin.
- Kris?
- Yeah, is she single?
- She is very single. I don't know her, but...
Hanna says she is...
Very single.
Do you think there's any chance to slam it
in her number two?
If you spit first.
- Where do you think Sara is now?
- I don't know. She'll probably be there tonight or tomorrow.
I don't understand why she bothers taking the
trip over those mountains.
So, tell me about the boys that are coming.
Ok. Martin, which is the best looking one...
- Is mine.
- How did it turn out with him?
- Will he finish the studies?
- I'm not sure. Don't think he is either.
It's not exactly optimal to be a medical
student and still afraid of blood.
- Poor Martin.
- Martin is scared of blood, and wants to be a doctor?
- Seriously?
- Yes.
And then Vegard. He's the one who's with Sara.
And then there's Erlend.
The worlds biggest movie geek.
And Roy, the horniest boy north of the polar circle.
- He is single, you can get him.
- Thanks. Nice.
How does it feel to be on the loser team?
That overtaking earlier...
Ok. Just follow the scooter trail.
It will only take 45 minutes.
When you arrive, I will have unpacked most of
the luggage and heated the cabin.
- Is there cell phone reception there?
- No, we lost that half an hour ago.
Where am I then supposed to call and breathe
heavily in the mike?
The emergency number.
Take care.
Mile after mile, after mile!
Hold on a second.
I have a question. How many movies begins with a group
of friends going on a trip without cell phone reception?
- Friday the 13th.
- They don't have reception because they don't have cell phones.
- Evil Dead 1 and 2.
- Yes, sort of. Except that many counts the sequel -
- as a remake with higher budget.
- New rule. No movie talk for an hour.
- Good suggestion.
It's for your own good Erlend. If you want to dip
your balls this weekend, you should stop the nerd alert.
And then you have April Fool's Day from... 1984 I think.
Now that's a classic.
- Don't you agree?
- Yes.
Let's go.
Damn, I'm so warm now.
It's beautiful here.
- So, what should we do?
- Watch a movie?
- We unpack and get acquainted.
- I have a better idea...
Left foot on green.
You already have it on green.
Why do we even play this game?
Because Hollywood told us that is
a great fun.
Right foot on red.
It has to be the most boring game...
That ever...
- No joking?
- Of course.
- One more time?
- Let me show you sedation from the Middle Ages. Lay down.
- What are you doing?
- Like that. Put your arms behind... There.
- You're sitting on my hands.
- It's how it works.
- Now close your eyes.
- No.
- Close your eyes.
- No, I'm not closing them.
Don't... Martin, Stop.
Quit it...
Just relax.
- Martin!
- Cut it out!
- I was only kidding.
- Why do you do that, I get claustrophobic.
I can't breathe.
- Sorry. Look now.
- No.
- How does that work?
- Get some beer.
- What?
- Beer. Beer, beer.
Beer, beer, beer.
Hello?
Hello?
- There's someone there.
- Hm?
- I saw someone.
- It's probably Sara.
- Not Sara...
- Are you sure it wasn't an elk?
I can damn well see the difference between a
human and an elk.
I don't see anything.
There's nothing here. Vegard was right, it
was probably just an animal.
Typical women. They get frightened
by everything.
Is it possible to get a cup of coffee here?
Who made the coffee?
Ecological...
- Didn't it taste good?
- No, it didn't.
- What are you nice kids doing at a place like this?
- Easter vacation.
- Is it your cabin?
- No, my girlfiend's.
- Ok. And who's the lucky one?
- She's not here right now, -
- she's skiing across Istind.
- Across Istind?
She's a bit more athletic than the rest of us.
Is the terrain dangerous?
The terrain is the least of your problems
up there, to put it that way.
I assume that you little spoiled shitheads didn't
bother to check out the local history -
- before you came waltzing in on that
bloody snow tractor of yours.
Things have happened here.
Things that people don't like to talk about.
During World War II, Øksfjord was an important
location for the Germans. It was...
Almost like a middle station for
German destroyers.
It was an important link to stop
convoys between Britain and Russia.
"Einsatz"
That was the name of the forces that
were stationed there.
In contrast to most places where...
The Germans got along with the civilians, that was
not the case here. It was under leadership by...
Colonel Herzog.
So it went to hell with the civilians.
The people were tortured, beaten and maltreated
every day.
Trust me when I tell you.
These were evil hellish bastards.
It was towards the end of the war when
they stepped over the line.
The Germans started to realize they were
beaten, and the Russians were on their way.
The Germans went into every house and stole all
gold, silver and shiny items they could find.
Those who protested got a bullet between
their eyes.
But it was after that they got one
hell of a surprise.
The citizens had secretly teamed up.
And decided that enough is enough.
All the anger and rage the 3,000 citizens had built up
during the last three years -
- needed to be unleashed.
So they had started gathering all the
weapons they could find.
That was basically scythes, axes, knives, shovels...
Everything that could break a skull.
So they ambushed the bastards in the
middle of the night.
The soldiers didn't have a chance, and they knew it.
Several got killed.
So, the devil himself...
Colonel Herzog and several of his men
managed to escape.
They ran up in the mountains.
And took with them lots of the stolen goods,
the greedy pigs that they were.
Several civilians followed them, but they lost the
tracks up in the mountains.
In these exact mountains...
Where they most likely froze to death.
Because of that people step lightly up here.
There's an evil presence here.
An evil you wouldn't want to wake.
Yeah. We have to be careful so we don't
wake up the evil.
I should get moving.
- Remember what I told you.
- We're actually medical students all of us.
So I think we'll do fine. Unfortunately we haven't learnt
to banish evil yet, but I think that's on next semester.
But what if you are holding your own intestines
in your hands, what do you do then?
Or if you get your arms and legs torn off.
What do you do then?
Have you learned that yet?
Thanks for the coffee.
Sara?
Sara? Sara?
Sara?
Sara?
Hello?
Is there anybody there?
Hello?
I have a weapon.
Are you sure we shouldn't wait til tomorrow?
She'll probably be here during the day.
- It's no problem.
- You're probably right. I just have a bad feeling.
- She'll probably be here soon.
- Listen. If I'm not back tomorrow...
Just listen. If I'm not back tomorrow, follow the scooter
trails back down to the car and get help.
- Ok.
- Ok.
I'll find her.
- See you later.
- Drive carefully.
Ok boys. We want a clean race. You'll
start at my signal, and no dirty tricks.
- Please, just one dirty trick.
- Not even one.
Are the drivers ready?
On your marks, get set, go!
Erlend!
Hello?
Hello?
Hello?
Hi.
Ah, fuck.
Calling doctor Hovden.
Doctor Hovden to the emergency room.
I see you're not exactly rid of that little problem of yours.
I assume there's not much action when Aunt Flow visits.
- God damn, you're so childish.
- How the hell are you going to manage -
- six years of medical studies, when
you almost vomit from a tiny cut.
You can be a baker, perhaps.
- Does anyone want a beer?
- Are you ok?
- Yeah...
- Sorry.
Cunt bag.
Check this out.
It says 1942.
- 1942?
- Hey, hey, it's mine.
Let's wait til Sara and Vegard return.
We won't touch it before then.
- Nah.
- Ok?
Em, mkay.
SARA!
Sara!
We are two small pretty ladies.
Hey, hey. Let's not get crazy here.
- We don't know who it belongs to.
- That box has been here for 50 years.
We just take what we want, cash in, and pay
off our student loans.
It hasn't been there for 50 years without
anyone noticing it.
50 years? It's 100, I promise you that.
- People have seen it, and it's just flemflams.
- Huh? Fle...?
Flemflams? Flemflams..? Flemflams!
- No, I'm going to take a shit.
- Godspeed.
Good luck. Name him after me.
Oh, god damn.
Ok. A joke...
This one is good. It contains both poo, pee and sperm.
Once upon a time there was a poo...
There are no good jokes that doesn't contain poo, pee or sperm.
Kris?
No, don't...
- And you think that is a joke?
- It's a good joke.
Erlend!
- You took some time.
- Did you see Kris?
Yes.
Fuck.
Erlend?
Erlend?
Er... Erlend, is that you?
Oh shit.
Erlend, stop that shit.
Erlend?
Help. He-elp!
Help. Help!
Quiet.
- What the hell? It's in the middle of the song.
- Shut up!
I thought I heard something.
Kris?
Kris!
Kris!
She's not answering. I've yelled several times,
she doesn't reply.
- She's probably fucking with you.
- Don't talk to me like I'm 5 years old, Martin.
Hanna. She's wasted, she probably fell asleep
at the john.
I can go look for her, ok?
Clever, we'll shoot her.
Take it with you.
It's that maniac from earlier.
We'll go look for her, ok?
Someone checks the outhouse, and someone checks
around the cabin...
Shotgun!
Martin, can't I try it? Let me hold it.
- No.
- Yes, come on.
- Not now.
- Come on, just let me hold it.
No...
- Is it heavy?
- A little.
- Let me check it out.
- Later perhaps.
Can you see anything?
- I have a shotgun here. I have a shotgun!
- Sorry, sorry.
Martin?
Check this.
What a nice trip... Fantastic...
Kris? Are you taking a shit?
Have you dozed off?
- She wasn't theeeere.
- Stop it.
She wasn't there.
What does that mean?
She wasn't at the outhouse, and not anywhere
around the cabin.
We found this though.
- Let's see. Maybe she's inside it.
- Stop fucking around.
- It's Sara's.
- Sara's?
- Where did you find it?
- Just behind the cabin.
- I get a bad feeling from this.
- We have to go find her, she could freeze to death.
- Ok, we get dressed and go look for her.
- So we'll just trudge around in the forest?
Where did we just come from Martin?
We've just been outside.
Oh, thank God.
I can't see anything.
Pull!
Pull!
F-fuck! Move the sofa in front of the door.
And stay away from the windows.
Get it out!
Come on and twist.
Leave the cushions!
Hanna!
Ok, stay calm. They can't get in here.
The table!
Martin! Martin!
Einsatz...
Zomb... Zombies...
Don't get bitten, ok? Don't get bitten!
Stop that rubbish, what the hell are we going to do?
We have to get to the car.
Help me!
I said we should go to Sunny Beach!
Martin...
Martin. Don't bite.
Now it's suddenly totally quiet.
Stay here and become lunch for the rest of...
- We have to do something.
- Like what?
We can't just sit here.
We must try to find the car. We find
the road back and get help.
Only Vegard knows the way, and the tracks
are covered with snow.
I know...
We have to do something. We can't just
sit here and wait for...
Wait for it to fix itself. We have to do something.
What if we split up. Two look for the car, while
two wait here for Vegard.
Those who eventually leave will most
likely get those bloody bastards after them.
If two go outside and makes sounds,
it will attract... Those creatures.
At the same time the two others run into the woods.
Then we'll just run towards the fjord. There are
people down by the fjord, we will have to get help.
Who will get to be those lucky bastards acting
as bait?
- You do something too!
- Ok...
Where are you, you cowardly bastards?!
Are you afraid to come out in daylight?!
Fuck, was that too much?
Do you think they'll get pissed?
Come.
Fuck...
Sara...
Come on!
Craven bastard.
Ok...
Do you recognize any of this?
No chance.
Everything looks the same...
If both go downhill.
- We have to split up.
- What?
One of us has to get down to the damn car
and get help.
- We go to that car together.
- Liv, listen to me.
We don't stand a chance on our own,
we have to go together.
- One of us has to get to the car...
- Please, we can't! I don't want to go by myself!
Liv, listen to me!
You saw what happened to Erlend.
We don't have a chance on our own.
We have to go together...
Ok...
- We run together.
- We run together.
- Are you sure that thing will work?
- Have you ever tasted moonshine from Finnmark?
Throw!
Hi. My name is Martin Hovden, and we're staying
at a cabin in Øksfjord... And...
Just up in the mountains. We're under attack
by something that looks like...
German soldiers from WWII.
And now we managed to light the
cabin on fire, and... Hello?
Hello!
- That fucking cunt hung up on me!
- Of course she did, what you said sounds -
- insanely absurd!
- Then what the fuck should I say?
Say that we are under attack by terrorists! Say that
they have missiles. They will bring helicopters and all that shit.
Brilliant.
Fucking cunt, it's out of batteries!
Come on!
- We have to get over to that shack!
- The shack? What the hell are we doing there?
We don't have time for that now.
- I can't see anyone.
- I'll look for some light.
You know what we have to do, right?
- Right?
- Yes.
A little more.
Duck!
- Where have you been?
- Where the hell did you get a machine gun?
I've kept myself busy.
Where are the others?
Hanna and Liv are looking for the
car to get some help.
The others...
They...?
Behind you!
Martin.
Martin!
Martin!
No, no, no! No, no, no!
- What is it?
- Do you remember what Erlend said. Do you?
Don't get bitten. No matter what you do;
don't get bitten.
Then you turn into...
Isn't your grandfather half jewish? You don't
think they would recruit someone half jewish?
You'll get infected if you... You'll be like them.
You saw what they did to Vegard. It didn't
exactly look like they wanted team-mates.
Do you think I'm willing to gamble on that?
- What are you doing?
- We had... We learned about amputation, remember?
What the fuck are you doing?
No, no, no, no, no!
Let's sledge that fucker and get out of here.
Run, for fuck's sake.
Oh, fuck...