Voila! Finally, The Big White
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Robin
Williams. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of The Big White. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
Marcy. Call Mr. Barnell.
Tell him l picked up his wife again.
l'm bringing her in.
Need a hand?
Oh, yeah. You mind giving her a push?
Yeah.
Oh, great. Thanks.
-On three, then.
-Okay.
One, two, three.
Oh, that's great. Thanks.
l tell you, she may be fast,
but she sure ain't light.
Yeah.
You the new guy who just moved
into the Stevens' old house?
No. Name's Ted.
What is that, a Polaris?
Oh, yeah!
What do those things go for?
A lot more than l could normally
afford, l tell you.
What's that?
lt's a video camera.
-Hey, is that thing heavy?
-Yeah.
And you got it in there by yourself?
How's that on your back?
Oh, no.
Oh, please! Turn the camera off!
Ted! Oh, that's not nice!
That was really cool.
lt was like watching ''Cops''.
Yeah? Well, he was pretty spry
for a man with a herniated disk.
You know, l don't want
to bitch or anything,
but you were supposed to take
me along on that one.
Couldn't find you.
l know you know this but the sooner
they think l can handle things on my own,
the soonerthey'll kick
you back down south.
Yeah, well, l've been hearing that for
thirteen months and siX days, Cam.
After a while, it gets a little old.
Claims. Watters.
Yeah. Okay.
That's quite the fish.
That one didn't get away.
Yeah, well...it's a nice catch.
This grasshopper walks in a bar.
and the bartender says,
''We have a drink named after you.''
And the grasshopper says...
Paul Barnell.
Ted Watters.
Mr. Watters.
Pleasure.
Mine, too.
Ted, Mr. Barnell would like to discuss
his brother's life insurance policy with us.
-Raymond, right?
-Yes.
Thing is, as l eXplained to Mr. Branch,
he's been gone for five years
and l thought, time to move on.
By move on, you mean?
l mean...
l think that cashing Raymond's policy.
l doubt, afterthat time,
that he's still alive.
And my father always wanted us
to take care of each other
if something should happen, and...
money is a little...
Yeah, l understand, Mr. Barnell.
But here's the thing.
With no actual body,
under Alaskan statutes,
a person has to be missing
for seven years
before he or she can be legally
declared dead.
And that's not withstanding
an investigation period
where concerned parties can take up
to another year
to file interventions
concerning the motion.
So, even though your brother's status
is undetermined at this point,
there's really very little we can do for you.
But we are extremely sorry for your loss.
Absolutely.
One, two, three...
All right. We'll get him later.
Yes, this is Mr. Barnell.
Mr. Barnell, this is John Hoag again
from Municipal Power's Delinquent
Accounts Department.
EXcuse me?
l'm sorry, Mr. Barnell,
l've tried every other option and,
frankly, this is unavoidable.
Great.
EXcuse me?
No, l'm not...
Hello?
Hello?
Yeah. l paid that bill a week ago.
You did?
l saw my secretary write it up.
Do you have any idea
where that payment might be?
l have no clue.
l'm a patient man, Mr. Barnell
but your credit rating is blocked off.
l have a very good credit rating.
No, you don't.
How do you know that?
l've got your TRW file in front of me, sir.
Mr. Barnell?
Mr. Barnell? Hello?
Mr. Barnell?
Hey, kids, who's up fortrout?
No.
Jodie, no! Not for dogs!
Honey, l'm home!
Any mail?
Psychic Pals.
How are you today, Mr. Williams?
Well, we are all registered psychics here.
Hi, Tiff.
l just had this feeling you needed to talk.
So what's up?
Your TV remote control?
Well, l need you to clear your
mind for a few moments.
lt's stew. l don't think it's still good.
Hey, aren't you with a customer?
They're concentrating.
How is he the tea leaf business today?
l've decided, from now on, to ignore you
and your ignorance about my work.
And it's going very well, thank you.
Mr. Williams? l'm seeing sofa cushions.
Do you have a sofa?
Good! Glad l could help.
Okay, before you say anything else
that may keep us
from having seX ever again
let me ask you something.
No, l always get these wrong.
That's why we keep trying.
l don't want to do this.
Love ls Sacrifice quiz.
lf you were in a life raft with me,
and there was only enough water for one...
No, l'm not going to do it.
lt's just a stupid quiz.
EXactly.
What is that?
l was just kidding.
Psychic Pals.
ls this the first time
you've called us, Mrs...
Stupid quizzes can be illustrative of
potential relationship problems.
Margaret, l'm getting the feeling this is
an anXious day for you.
Hey, you know our only relationship
problem is that you're running a dollar,
ninety-nine a minute carny scam
out of my living room.
Don't call it a scam.
Wait you didn't just call this
''your'' living room, did you?
Ours.
Margaret, l feel someone you really care
about, maybe even the love of your life
is being a real pain.
Now, l need you to really concentrate
and l'll be right back.
l thought stuff didn't smell
when it was frozen.
l don't know why we have to...
'Cause Dave wants visual confirmation.
So Dave gets visual confirmation.
We have a chance to move up here, Gary,
so let's just do what we're told.
What's he gonna do, have him stuffed?
Like the guy's not gonna end up
in a landfill anyway.
You ever ask Dave what he did?
Who knows.
But Dave said if he did it one more time,
he was gonna break his neck.
So how did it feel?
l mean, not when you did it, but like now.
l don't want to talk about it.
Okay.
Jimbo! He's not here.
Gary, enough with the little jokes, okay?
l'm serious. He's gone.
Don't even joke about it.
Maybe he wasn't...
dead.
Hey, Jimbo!
There's a little fridge down here.
Morning, Mr. Barnell.
Morning, Avis.
Coffee?
lf you insist.
She looks good.
''Waikiki Airlines, yourticket to paradise.''
Was last Novemberthis bad?
lf we didn't have the weather,
what would we talk about?
Yeah.
Messages?
Just that fellow from Municipal Power
and Electric.
l told him you sent the check in weeks ago,
but some people don't like to listen.
Sorry, what did you say?
Avis, something really spooky
happened last night.
You remember my brother Raymond?
The one who went missing?
Well, last night there
was a knock at the door
and behold, there was Raymond
on my doorstep.
Didn't you have him declared.
Dead? Well, no...yes. Well,
he was n'tgone long enough really forthat.
Good thing. ln hindsight.
So...where was he all these years?
Lower forty-eight. Didn't like the cold.
Well, that's great. You and Mrs. Barnell
will have some company for a bit, l guess.
How is she?
Better.
A little better, you know.
Collecting, Mrs. Barnell.
Daniel, you pussy little cocksucker.
l'll get my purse.
lt's twelve dollars.
l missed you last time.
Jerk off. Jerk off.
Jerk off. Jerk off, jerk off, jerk off.
Tell your slut mom l said hi.
Sure will. Thanks.
Some days are betterthan others.
Better.
Paul, why is the fridge
in the garage chained shut?
Possum.
Hot pussy?
Paul, dinner's almost ready.
Oh, l feel like some wine.
You feel like some wine?
You know, l have a crazy thought.
Let's order in tonight.
-Fuck it?
-Yeah.
-Okay.
-Yeah.
You know and l have to talk to you
about something.
Raymond's back.
And here he is.
Well, what you say Bobbie Ray?
Ray's a little jealous, just a little bit.
Margaret! The one that got away.
Beautiful signal on Margaret.
Lights on the deck.
Good...good stuff. Hold on.
Here's the Doctor.
lt's time for my medicine.
-That's okay. That's okay, okay,
-Let me get a towel.
don't worry about it.
l'd like the next one on the other leg, please.
Good one, Margaret!
Princess.
Paul? Thank you so much
for clearing the driveway.
That was real considerate.
Well, l don't know what you're talking
about, Mrs. Wherry.
You were out at the cabin this morning?
Nice to see you getting
some use out of that thing.
Oh, now l see. No, no,
that was Raymond you saw out there.
He's alive?
Yeah, very much.
Oh, God. Come on!
How much easier do l have to make this?
Margaret, you scared
the wits out of me.
Look at the dog.
She's just a little puppy.
A little puppy she is.
Little hungry puppy.
A hungry, hungry puppy.
-Yes.
-Yes, she is.
-Come on over here.
-Well.
How late is Rudy's open?
l'm sorry about this part.
Thank you.
lf it's any comfort, he likely wasn't
eaten while conscious.
So it was the fall?
Did he say where he was living
before he came?
Florida.
He didn't talk about it much.
He brought us this shell.
lt's all we have left, really.
Hadn't seen him for five years.
We'd given him up for...
For dead, yes, sir.
How did you...?
Anonymous phone tip
from some Jamaican...guy.
Jamaican?
He said he saw
what he thought was a body.
We tracked you through his lD.
Just like on TV.
l have to see him.
Mr. Barnell, l have to warn you,
an animal attack isn't pretty.
l know.
There's not much left.
Oh, God.
ls that your brother, sir?
Yeah. That's him.
Chewed his ears off.
What kind of animal
does something like that?
Normally, l'd say a bear.
But with these tracks
and the feeding pattern, indicate wolf.
lt's rare, but it can happen.
Your brother's personal effects.
Marcy, would you...
Yeah, no problem.
Come on, let's go this way.
Thank you.
Coroner found some smaller bite
marks on the ankle.
Pups. Must have been
the whole freaking pack.
Derek found this.
Not the smartest snack for a hiker.
Messy animals, aren't they?
Messy. Messy, messy, messy, messy.
-Here ya go, say cheese!
-Cheese!
Shit!
You know, there are some places
on this planet
where people actually do this outside.
So how many insurance companies
are there in the United States?
-Like a billion.
-That's not the point, Tiffany.
That's not the point, Tiffany. l busted
my ass for Liberty Capital, all right?
l don't want to quit.
l want to be promoted.
l want to be promoted
out of this icebound backwater.
Okay.
And when that happens,
l guess l'lljust be another
notch on your briefcase.
l can't believe you just said that.
Well, you know that you're the most
most important thing in my life.
Sorry, what was that?
You wanna take me right here?
Tiffany, what do you want...?
You gonna get that?
Psych...l'm sorry, hello?
Who is it?
Yeah?
Look, is this a matter of life
and death? Because...
Tiff, give me the phone.
Yeah. Hello?
You're kidding.
Your mom?
A million dollar life policy just checked.
On a Saturday? What about the First
Annual Golf, SeX and Pizza Triathlon?
Look, Tiffany, if this is who l think it is
l may have found us
a ticket out of here, so...
We don't need a ticket.
Yeah, can l call you back? Okay.
We...l mean...
Don't be late, okay?
You won't even know l'm gone.
That's him. Raymond Barnell.
So, what's your line on this?
Just what it looks like. Wolves got him.
Maybe a grizzly with insomnia,
but l couldn't find any tracks.
Well, would it surprise you to learn
that his brothertried to cash
in his policy not two weeks ago?
What are you trying to tell me
that Mr. Barnell chewed off
his brother's leg?
Well, doesn't it make you the least
bit suspicious that maybe...
Mr. Watters, l don't know thing one
about insurance...
but l'm guessing it's your job
to find a way not to pay these poor people.
This is a nice, simple ending.
We like nice, simple endings.
Chief? Good news, bad news.
The good news, he's dead.
Bad news, he disappeared.
Proof, Jimbo. You got one week.
lt was our first time.
Nobody gets it perfect their first time, Dave.
Mr. Branch, this is not a standard case.
You were there when the guy came in
and tried to cash in.
l mean, come on. lt stinks.
Watters, if the police say
that this guy was...
Eaten by wolves, sir.
...eaten by wolves,
then we've got no case.
Did you happen to see
Mr. Barnell on the news last night?
The police told us what happened.
How are you folks holding up?
Well, my wife is too upset to be here.
Paul? Who's out there?
As l said, she's very upset.
Paul? The door's stuck.
lt's tough, though,
'cause you have to ask yourself...
Who fucked with the fucking door?
You see how stressful his has been.
l have to go now because
we have a service to plan. EXcuse me.
Hi.
Well, what we don't need is bad PR.
l don't want this thing Valdezing on us.
Mr. Branch l'm sure that head office
would take a rather dim view
of our approach to...
Corporate's view will be what l tell them.
Okay.
Yes, sir. Color us ''called off'' as of now.
Thanks, Cam. Thanks a lot.
Thanks for, all the back up.
You got a strange way of bucking
for a promotion, my friend.
Look, l'm gonna start on the Johnson file.
You wanna do up
the paperwork on Barnell?
Where you going?
Lunch.
At nine-thirty?
Yeah.
We got seven joints here.
We got a card place,
we got a Great Escape Travel, hair joint.
Which one you figure'd
wanna take our friend?
The police say they found Raymond's
wallet and that's how they tracked you down.
-Yes, that's right.
-Any idea what he was doing out there?
He'd take walks. Hikes.
Hiking.
How sporty.
-Can l get you a cup of coffee?
-No, thank you.
Was he a big hiker?
l'm sorry, l don't follow.
Well, would he hike more than once
a week or was this just a one time thing?
May l ask why you need to know all this?
Just trying to tie up
some loose ends, Mr. Barnell.
You know, the police they say
my brother died in the attack.
Now, you do cover
that sort of thing, don't you?
Yes, sir, Mr. Barnell, and it shouldn't
take more than a few days.
Now, can you uh, can you tell me
a little bit more about your brother?
The hiker?
How is my princess?
What's up?
l took some Adavan.
And called my psychic.
You know we can't afford that.
-We talked about that. Okay.
-Don't be mad.
-lt's just this week has been so...
-l know. l know.
Well, with Raymond
getting eaten by animals
and someone trying to steal the fridge.
We got another letter from the HMO today.
Hey, come on now. Come on.
l'm sorry.
Fucking cocksuckers.
''As we previously stated
in the genetic history...''
l'm sick. l'm really, really sick, you know?
l know. ''Tourette's Syndrome is not
easily diagnosed. No...''
Fuck, fuck!
''...onset before the age of
and no genetic history...''
''Please reference
our previous discussions...''
''...concerning you claims for...''
''...OCD, ODD, ADHP...''
lt's what's going down
at the beginning of the century.
Margaret!
But still in matters vegetable, animal
and mineral...
l am the very model of a modern
Major-General.
Margaret!
l know you don't like to talk about this.
But maybe it's not what
we think it is, you know?
Yeah, maybe it's not.
Maybe it's just stress.
Rememberthat cruise?
l saw you.
You were happy.
You were this sweet, happy person.
Kind and giving.
l'm sorry. l'm tired, you know.
They say you can't get it all of
a sudden, but l did. l really, really did.
l know. l know.
Well, l'll kill myself.
No, come on, that's nonsense!
-Then they'll see.
-No, that's nonsense talk. Come here.
No, come on now.
...marry someone normal.
You're the most normal girl l know.
l'm not crazy, Paul.
-There's something wrong with me.
-l know, sweetie.
And we're gonna find the best specialists
for what you have we can.
-Really?
-Yeah.
l know things are gonna turn around.
Call me cra...l got this feeling. l do.
But you have to leave everything
up to me, okay?
You leave everything up to me,
and you're gonna be okay. l promise.
Shit bag.
That's my girl.
Yeah, hi. This is Ted Watters
from Liberty Capital.
l was wondering if l could get a complete
credit workup on a Raymond Barnell
and a Paul Barnell, as well.
Yes, l will hold.
You start the month ends yet?
Oh, can you take care of that for me?
l'm kinda working on something here, Cam.
Oh, God. You're not still
on the Barnell thing, are you?
l went to go see him.
And? And?
So, trust me, something's not right.
l can smell it. Just help me buy a week.
We're gonna get in such trouble.
Okay, from now on, you can come along
with me on everything.
No more Cam goes to the coffee room
and Ted disappears forthree hours?
l'll try, yeah.
And you'll work on your interpersonal skills?
-Yes.
-Good.
Now, if you'll eXcuse me,
l'll go start covering your ass.
Oh, hi. Yeah, sorry.
Are all these yours?
Greatest sport on earth.
Moved to a compound bow two years ago.
Arthritis. Less draw weight.
Tea okay?
Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, l'm fine. Thank you.
l was just wondering, did you happen
to talk to Raymond when he got back?
Only saw him the once.
Never spoke to him.
Waved to him.
You waved?
He was clearing my driveway.
Raymond was a real hellcat
when he was younger.
But like they say,
time mellows even the hardest soul.
Was he much of an outdoo
rsman or ahiker or...?
l thought it was Paul at first.
Have you talked to Paul's wife?
Now there's a story.
Not that l'm much of a one for gossip,
but l think that...
l'm sorry. Did you say you thought it
was Paul that did your driveway?
Okay. lt turns out that Mr. Barnell
is mortgaged to the nuts.
His business is about one step away
from Chapter .
Plus, it's like his brother Raymond
never even eXisted.
There's no credit history,
there's no nothing forthe last five years.
Plus the only thing he did
after hisrecent reappearance...
was get some new lD and a new credit
card, but he didn't charge anything.
Less than nothing.
-Okay, well, it's something.
-No, it's not.
-Yes, it is.
-No, it's not.
Claims, Watters.
This is personal.
l promise.
Mr. Barnell, your ears must have been
burning. l was just...
Oh, yeah, sure, yeah.
What time?
Why is God, who is a loving God,
capable of such things?
When someone is taken from us at such
a young age, we often ourselves why.
Bullshit.
What possible purpose could this serve?
But l believe the Apostle Paul,
writing to the Ephesians,
said it best when he said
''All things are done according to God's will.''
Nun banger.
Doggies!
Raymond Barnell, Barnell's Travel.
We should have seen it earlier.
We should have checked the funeral
announcements right away.
Mr. Barnell, there was really no hurry
on this. l mean...
we could've waited until later.
We just wrapped up.
This is my wife, Margaret.
Sweetheart, why don't you go
sit in the car and warm up, okay?
Okey dokey, Smokey.
She's been under a lot of stress lately.
l notice the media's here.
They really don't give people
a moment's peace, do they?
l called them.
Really?
They wanted to talk to me about Raymond,
and l thought now would be
an appropriate time.
And you'lljust happen to mention
your heartless insurance company
that hasn't paid off your policy yet.
l had to borrow money to pay
forthis coffin, Mr. Ted.
Well, you're breaking
my heart, Mr. Barnell.
l doubt that.
They asked to see some personal
photos of Raymond.
Guess this is gonna be a really big story.
Maybe if we walked overthere together
and you told them how deeply moved
you were by this tragedy.
Enjoy your press conference, Mr. Barnell.
Raymond left us this shell.
lt's all we have to remember him by, really.
Hello, little Bambi.
Where's your mommy?
Getting it from some ten-point buck.
Yes, she is.
She is...
Stay away from our fucking appliances!
Okay, lady, let's just stay calm.
Sorry.
Son of a bitch.
You are in so much trouble!
Lady, so help me...
Let's go again. Let's go...again.
Okay, sir...
ln the house!
So you're a souvenir wholesaler?
Forthe cruise ship trade, mostly.
Usual stuff...stuffed animals.
You got your huskies, your moose
your baby seals...your bears, your...
ls that where they came in?
Yeah, through that big hole in the roof.
l got a list of all
the things that are missing.
How much?
We figure about two hundred grand.
Plus fiXing the roof.
Fax over an estimate and we'll have
you a check by Friday.
Ted? Maybe we should take
a look at the irinventory list first.
This is a simple case.
Bad guys stole stuff.
Let's just clear it and get going, okay?
l should tell you, we also had some
VCRs we were holding for another company.
That could run another couple grand.
Wanna wrap this up, Cam?
Gotta go primary sometime!
You try to rape me,
l swearto Christ, l'll bite it off.
Hey, what's going on?
-Don't ask!
-What the hell happened to your face?
Jesus, you look like you ran into...
So what now, you gonna get me
smoking from both ends?
l just came here to look around
and she started hitting me
and yelling at me.
Oh, please.
ls this how you solve our problem?
l didn't have any choice.
Just listen to me, okay?
Yeah, listen. lf the fat from your neck
hasn't stopped up your ears.
-Where would we stash her? Your place?
-No, it's too small.
Plus, we'd have to get her in
and out without anyone seeing.
And l've seen that sty
you call an apartment.
You see, it's a bad idea.
They got a whirlpool tub.
With bubbles?
lt'd be like a little getaway.
Hey Maggie Magster. You're awfully...
What the hell happened?
What the hell are you doing in our house?
Mr. Barnell.
l believe you have something that
belongs to us.
l don't know what you're talking about.
You don't?
You hearthat, Gary?
He don't know what we're talking about.
Guess he doesn't know nothing about a...
dead body in the dumpster
at his place of employment.
So how much did you get?
We had a life insurance policy
on my brother
and we could get...
one hundred thousand dollars.
You know, it's always you quiet guys.
All right, here's how it's gonna work.
We stay here with your little tulip in there
and you go get our guy.
You stay here?
Have the body and let's say
fifty thousand clams for ourtrouble.
You screw with us and we'll start mailing
your wife back to you.
Starting with her feet.
Paul! Are you moving in?
Just for a bit.
She'll come to her senses.
They always do.
Thanks, Mrs. Wherry.
Good night.
Oh, Raymond.
Would it have killed you
to clean up before you left?
State police! Open up!
Police? ls there something wrong?
Hello, brother. Missed ya.
Page sixteen, Paul.
You know what l love about USA Today,
otherthan the bar graphs
and the colored pictures?
They got news from every state
in the Union.
l was eaten by wild fucking animals!
But you know, despite that,
l'm feeling pretty goddamn chipper.
Let me tell you
what's going on here, Raymond.
So where's my money?
Your money? There's no money yet.
They're still investigating.
What'd you get?
Fifty thousand.
l get half.
Sure.
You look good. You lost weight.
l gave up carbs.
l'm getting a health kick.
What you doing out here, anyway?
She not going along with it?
Who, Margaret?
How's she holding up, anyway?
We're having problems.
Any kids?
You still can't get one past the goalie, huh?
Well, it's best not to send
a boy to do a man's job.
So how come you talk like you do?
l mean, cursing all the time.
lt's a disease.
lt's called Tourette's Syndrome.
l can't control what l say. Turnip.
Really?
Congratulations.
You've just kidnapped
a handicapped person.
l saw on TV where people
with that don't usually curse.
They must have got it wrong.
l don't think so.
lt was a movie of the week
based on real events.
And don't people
with Tourette's usually twitch and stuff?
l get it. Sorry. You got a spice rack?
Next to the stove.
What's that supposed to mean?
Nothing. Cumin?
There. There. There.
There, there, there, there, there, there!
And l'm not crazy.
lt's a physical disease.
Sometimes l can control it,
and sometimes...l can't.
You can't. You know what l think?
l think this syndrome is something you
read about somewhere and figured...
''Hey, works for me.''
Ass. Ass. Ass.
You can completely abdicate
your societal responsibilities.
Say whatever want whenever you want,
and slough it off on an illness.
Ass-rimming ball sucker.
Maybe l should catch this thing.
''Gee, sorry, Your Honor,
l have this disease that makes me
rob -Elevens.
lt's called l really need a Slurpee disease.''
You've never robbed a - in your life
you shit-eating fuck-weasel.
What kind of a man threatens a woman
with a gun, anyway?
You are so faking it.
You should know.
ls this how you get your kicks,
you overcompensating
pussy little fart sack?
You better shut your mouth
or l'm gonna stick this gun right in it!
You don't scare me. lf something bad
was gonna happen,
my psychic would have told me.
You put that down now, you little bitch,
or so help me l'll start yelling
so loud, you'll have to shoot me.
A little help here?
l got Twinkies.
Honey?
You okay?
Wait, this is the important part.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
This stops now.
l was watching that.
This case is making me and you crazy.
Especially you.
l'm just trying to be supportive.
Leading eXperts agree that's the number
one complaint men had about their mates.
l don't have any complaints about my, you.
Dead guy's got a record?
Yeah, he beat some guy
up in a bar fight.
He broke the guy's eye socket.
-Honey?
-Yeah.
-l think you should look at this again.
-Okay.
You know, l've been thinking there, Paulie.
After we get her back
from these guys who grabbed her
do you think your wife's
gonna be able to keep her
pretty little mouth shut?
That'd be a first.
'Cause, you know,
crazy people talk a lot and...
-She's not...
-...and l'm told that
if you say something to yourtherapist,
they can use that in a courtroom.
We can't afford a therapist, Raymond.
Still, you just might want to think about it.
Think about what?
All l'm saying is,
sometimes a man has
to make problematic decisions.
Cull the herd, so to speak.
Come on, Paulie, l'm just
l'm just fuckin' with you.
Don't be such a stick.
ls that jailhouse humor?
Still...
Mr. Watters.
On the phone you said something
about a resolution to our claim?
Mr. Barnell, why are you staying out here?
My wife and l we're having
a few problems.
Well, that's kind of understandable,
seeing as how you killed that man
and dumped his body out
in the middle of the woods.
Raymond?
No, no, no.
Definitely not Raymond.
l thought it was at first,
but that's what was throwing me.
l don't think l appreciate yourtone, sir.
My tone?
Mr. Barnell, you are going to jail.
l will personally see to that.
l think you should go now.
You are a liar and a thief!
Mr. Watters, l've had a very rough night.
Murderer.
No.
You are a murderer.
What happened to your eye?
Let's say you just step away from him.
You all right there, Paul?
l'm all right, Mrs. Wherry. lt's okay.
l can drop him, if you want.
No. l'm all right.
l think you should go.
She can't hold the bow that long.
l got some fishing line,
if you want me to stitch that.
You okay?
Yeah. l'm great.
l haven't called the police yet,
but l can tell you it was certainly tempting.
ln my life, l've had dealings
with diseases of the mind and...
he is definitely disturbed.
Watters, it's so good of you to join us.
Mr. Barnell was just telling me
about the last meeting you had.
l caught that, yeah.
And, as you can see,
Mr. Barnell has some concerns.
You don't think l did this.
-l would never...
-His neighbor says otherwise.
Mr. Branch, can l show you something?
l think you would like to see it, too,
Mr. Barnell.
Okay, see? Where's the birthmark?
Your brother's police report listed,
''large, purple birthmark, upper right thigh''.
But l don't see it here, not on this body.
You can-you can see it here,
in the-in the picture. See?
So where did it go?
Did it just disappear? Did it all of
a sudden get better, Mr. Barnell?
lt did get better, Mr. Watters.
lt did?
lt got better!
Well, how in the world did that happen?
Well...Raymond, when he came back
from Florida,
he'd had it fiXed.
Laser surgery. Yeah, how like
you remove a tattoo.
l understand.
And it gone.
He did...not! No! He didn't!
What do you mean? Did not.
How can you tell? There's no leg!
You taped my brother's body
in a morgue. And this! What's this?
You stole family pictures!
You videotaped the naked chewed
corpse of my little brother!
What the kind of sick company
are you running here, sir?
This is crazy! This is crazy!
All we have to do is dig up the body
l'm not talking to you!
Dig up the body and check
for laser scars! Dental records!
-All right. All right!
-All right. All right!
Mr. Barnell, l'm so very sorry
that it's come to this.
We will have a check brought to you first
thing in the morning.
Thank you.
Jesus. Thank God he's not suing us.
Tomorrow, you will deliver a check
to Mr. Barnell
with a complete apology.
Mr. Branch, l know how this looks...
lt looks like you beat hell
out of a policy holder!
Now, send Cam in here.
While you've been out on
your little Easter egg hunt,
your junior found us a way out
on that warehouse robbery.
Head Office is going to bump him a level.
l'll go get him.
Head Office is very keen on him.
They've asked me
to feel him out about a transfer.
County Coroner.
lt's a Disinterment Order.
Hello. Yes, l was wondering
if you could tell me
which department is in charge of...
Sure, l'll hold.
Hang on, Mag Pie. Hang on.
Listen, you little prick!
We want what's coming to us!
l know you are, but what am l?
Gary!
Gary!
Yourturn to deal with it!
lf l come out of this bathroom,
l swearto God l'll put
a fucking bullet in her head!
l know you are, but what am l?
Ray. Can l talk to you for a moment?
Ladies.
Ladies.
Listen, who's...?
The prostitutes?
l sure as hell hope so.
'Cause Jehovah's Witness won't lick your lolly
no matter how much you pay them.
How'd you get them here?
l just put it on my plastic.
lt's got my name on it and everything.
''lt's everywhere that we want to be.''
You can't use this.
No, no, no. Think. Okay? Ray?
You're not using your head, Raymond.
The fuck you say.
What in blazes is that on the counter, Ray?
That's ''muh gun'', Paul.
Hello?
Hello, Mr. Barnell. lt's Jimbo.
Sorry, l can't...
Are you having a party?
There's no party.
Put my wife on the phone.
-Sir, that's not right.
-Now! Please.
-Thirty, sorry, starting now!
-l have to talk to my wife.
Well, he wants to talk to her.
Okay, hold on.
Twenty-five!
Paul, are you entertaining?
Oh, Margaret, no!
Oh, God, Jesus, are you all right?
Fifteen! Have you got the body?
Paul, we need more chips!
Have you got the body?
Paul, the carrot little weasely one
wants to carrot screw me
with his sick carrot little cock.
And he's messing up my kitchen.
Cock, cock, cock, cock...
You sick you don't hurt her!
l didn't say anything like that.
l didn't. Ten seconds! Yes or no?
Paul, where's the chips?
Yes. You'll have it tomorrow.
Now put my wife back...
Hello!
l think l managed to avoid a trace.
We're staying in his house.
Right.
Hello! Can l help you?
Mr. Watters.
Mr. Barnell, l...
l have your check.
Really?
Yeah.
Thank you very much.
l appreciate that. Please sit.
Avis.
Did you have an accident?
Well, no, actually l was mugged.
The police say it was just
a random act of violence,
but who knows, right?
l have to get you to sign right here
where l marked
an X. And...
l'd like to apologize for...
No. No, please. No need.
Well, that's quite the shell.
lt's a gift from my brother, Raymond.
He brought it back from Florida for me,
and now it's all l have to remember him by.
Well, that and a million dollars.
Boy, things really worked out for you
this time, didn't they?
-Lots of cash. Newly single guy...
-l'm not single.
Well, what are you gonna do?
You gonna go down to Club Med
and see how much a big bankroll can buy?
Maybe get some hookers?
l love my wife, Mr. Watters.
Very much.
Can we level with each other
for a moment? How...how did...
Avis!
Avis!
l got it.
A second. Thank you.
That's where you went!
That's quite the display.
They do some very nice
in-store promotions.
Here it is, Mr. Barnell.
l thought someone
might have walked out with it.
lt's not the best neighborhood.
Sign right by the X.
Avis, will you call Municipal
Light and Power
and tell them l'll be dropping by in a bit?
Thank you.
There's nothing to be embarrassed about.
A lot of people find talking
to a psychic very therapeutic.
So what's on your mind, Carlos?
l have a situation. My wife...
Do you think it's okay to do
something kinda bad to someone
even though they may do something
to someone else that's really bad?
Well, you probably shouldn't break
the law, if you can help it.
Are you really sure
they're gonna do this otherthing?
He said some things.
He said he was joking,
but l think he might do them.
Okay, well, don't think, know.
How close are you
to this other someone else,
the one you're trying to protect?
Have you ever felt like
like your own life didn't even matter
as long as
Listen to me Carlos.
Your wife is an incredibly lucky woman.
l know relationships are tough,
but you you just do what you gotta do
to keep it together, okay?
Remember, love is sacrifice.
l guess you're right.
Okay, so you get tough, all right?
And remember, this call is
for entertainment purposes only.
But call me back and let me know
how it goes, okay?
-Okay.
-All right.
Okay.
So, Miami, huh?
Can you believe that?
One little case and, boom,
you're the flavor of the month.
Congratulations. Why are you here?
To say thanks.
lf you hadn't given me a shot on that...
Oh, no, no, no.
Forget about it. l'm trying to.
So, we were all kinda wondering,
what did happen to your face?
Cartrouble.
Should you be driving?
Absolutely not.
Jodie!
We set forthe switch tomorrow?
Yeah.
There's a turnout up at Summit
Hill where the snowmobilers park.
Fine.
You guys like it?
Tastes like a rectal polyp.
Now, how would she know?
How would she know?
How would she know?
l coulda had her, you know?
We both know that.
Right?
Oh, yeah, yeah, l just figured she was...
l don't know. You know?
'Cause l...You know?
No, l don't know.
-Okay.
-You ready for a refill?
Does Mrs. Kennedy have a black dress?
-Alrighty.
-Comin' up.
So, rendezvous
at the glaciertomorrow, huh?
First thing in the morning.
Yeah, well, we'll go get her
and do the thing, and...
You rememberthat time in school
when l jumped out and scared you
and you fucking peed all over yourself?
That was a hoot, yeah.
Hey, bottoms up.
Okay. Puddles! You remember
how everybody called you ''Puddles''?
Everybody called you ''Puddles''.
They did.
Puddles!
Yeah, that was funny.
Hey, come on now.
There you go, there you go.
l love you, bro.
You too, pal.
Okay.
lt's my tub! Open up!
Finders keepers.
No, l drew the water! Get out!
-Finders keepers.
-Get out of here.
You know this thing has twelve
different settings?
No, Gary l don't. Every time l try to get
in it, somebody else is already there.
Stop that!
Hey, let me ask you something.
Does this look normal?
Oh, Christ!
l read that if it changes color,
you should have it looked at.
Yeah...but not by me!
Hello?
Oh, thank fucking Christ! ls Tiffany there?
No, well, she's gonna be
back in a couple of minutes.
Do you want to call back later?
Well, you should know, fuckwit.
Do you know there's a man with a gun
in my bathroom right now?
Goddamnit, Ted.
Oh, wait, yeah, she's right here.
One second.
Mrs. Barnell?
l'm here, Margaret.
How're you feeling today?
Give me the headset.
What is wrong with you?
Christ! Where do you want to start?
Mrs. Barnell could you speak up a bit?
What's she saying?
Something about the Gay Mafia taking
herto a park to kill her?
Margaret, now are you sure
that these are real people in your house?
Shit on toast.
Jesus! Fucking dog.
Watch out forJodie.
How do you like the bubbles now?
You want to squeak your duck again?
Jesus!
-That really hurts, you know?
-Good!
Why are the flowers talking?
Are you sure this is it?
She specifically mentioned
the cocksucking turnout off the highway
where the snowmobilers like to hang out.
l'll call you later, okay?
l won't be here.
EXcuse me?
l know relationships aren't gonna be
all sunshine and roses,
but l'm not really having
that much fun anymore,
and l don't think you are, either.
What are you talking about?
l just l think you need to be
like this right now,
and l'm not in a good space to deal with it.
So, what?
l just, l don't think we should be
like this together.
Psychic Pals.
How are you today, Mr. Williams?
l think she'd be fine with you re-marrying.
But hang on, let me concentrate...
l've been...l've been cutting
you out of my life
and, as a result, our normal communication
channels have been blocked.
And l think that you coming with me
would furtherthe development
of our relationship
and allow us both to realize the...
the potential of our interpersonalism.
lf you're gonna be sarcastic...
l'm not being anything.
Okay. Why do you want me to come?
Because if you don't,
then...then l'll have to stay.
And then, then l'll be mad about that.
And then, and then l know that
we'll eventually break up over it.
And as bad as my life is right now, Tiffany,
that would make it a million times worse.
Mr. Williams?
You know, she's totally cool with it.
Listen, listen, you're gonna
have to call back.
l gotta go help my boyfriend.
See this? This has all the symptoms of
that Tourette's thing...
and you don't have half of them.
And?
And...and you're faking it.
Magazines don't prove anything.
Could we please get ther
e in some peace and quiet?
Magazines prove everything.
Don't make me pull the car over.
Okay, so it's called The Listening Game.
You talk, l listen,
and l can't interrupt. Then we switch.
l can talk about anything?
Yes.
Let's just drop it, okay?
l'm just saying, she acts like this
'cause you always take her side!
That little prick!
l assume you have our friend?
Of course. Can you let her go now?
Let's see our guy first.
How do we know it's him?
Come on!
Where would l get another one?
You got the money, Mack?
So, this is kinda like a really weird
''Law and Order'' episode.
And if Paul Barnell already
killed his brother...
Yeah, maybe his wife is next.
Okay, so my turn?
Yeah.
Now, a healthy relationship...
Here we are.
Can l let her out?
No! Step away from the car!
Why did you gag her?
You know.
-lt's all over. Did they hurt you?
-No, no, no...
You don't look so good.
Have you been eating?
-Yeah, l've been. You? Did they feed you?
-Did you drink too much coffee?
No, you know, when l get busy. You know.
Did you fall?
-Yeah, but...Chipped a tooth.
-We'll fiX that when we get home.
Boy, you look good.
You smell nice.
-Yeah.
-Musty.
How's Jodie?
She's dead.
Kidding.
Pretty good.
So, do you have a plan here?
You know, l guess l'm gonna
l'm gonna go talk to him.
-Yeah. You don't mind staying here, do
-Sure.
Wait. When do we call the cops?
You know, l mean, if he is doing
something then, l'lljust,
l'll wave, okay?
That's a very good plan.
Tourists.
-Wait isn't...isn't that?
-What?
EXcuse me! EXcuse me!
Aren't you Raymond Barnell?
Go away.
Hey, you know, l don't really know
what's going on here,
but l was just wondering if maybe
you could come with me to my office
just for a few minutes. l mean...
Hey, man, you know,
l don't wanna screw with your life,
but you can't just walk away
with a million dollars
and eXpect people to be like,
''Hey, yeah, thanks a lot pal.''
How much?
Your brother,
and l use this term very carefully
has stolen a million doll
ars from my insurance company...
For years l've been thinking new meds....
You know, maybe we should...
Honey, l need you to walk overto that
big hill behind me, okay? Okay?
Why don't you put this on now, okay?
l want you to get warm, all right?
You look so good.
No matter what you hear
what you hear,
you just keep walking, all right?
lf l'm late or something...
You're never late.
...look inside the coat.
Jimbo?
Million dollars, Paul?
Did you really think
you could take me? Again?
What million dollars?
Fuck.
What the fuck!
She didn't have anything to do with this!
And you do.
Put it down, nancy.
You first, chief.
You win, tough guy.
Gary.
Sorry.
lt was an accident!
-What the fuck, man?
-lt wasn't me!
Gary!
Please don't shoot us!
Stop! What the fuck, Gary? Jesus Christ!
No!
Oh! Oh, God!
Oh, God. Oh, Jesus.
Oh, fucking hell. l can't breathe.
Can you stand?
ls the Pope a...
Easy.
Thank you.
You're gonna kill me, Gary.
Gonna kill me.
Look at me, you little...
Puddles.
Where do you think you're going?
Ted, leave him alone!
No, no, no, no!
No, l've been beaten!
l've been humiliated!
He kicked me in the balls!
He kicked me in the balls!
And l want an answer now!
Okay.
Well, go ahead.
l can still kind of hear out of this one.
l love my wife, Mr. Watters.
And when you love someone
l mean, really love someone...
That's it!
Fuck! lf l wanted a Hallmark card
orthe lyrics to a Foreigner rock ballad,
l would go to the mall, Mr. Barnell!
The Listening Game.
Mr. Barnell...you can go first.
Habeas corpus.
l wanted to help Margaret, you know?
l'm broke
and that's why l came in originally
with that insurance policy thinking,
''l can do this. You'll pay off.''
'Cause, you know,
l hadn't seen Raymond since...
Where do you want to go?
Someplace close.
My three o'clock was moved up.
So you all right about everything?
Yeah.
Good. Good.
l like it when you're okay.
Don't you just love this weather?
Learning to.