Voila! Finally, the Caddyshack
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Chevy Chase and Bill
Murray golf movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Caddyshack. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
All right, kids! Rise and shine!
Let's go, everybody!
Come on, girls! Enough with the hair!
Turn off that radio!
I talked to Pete Scalary last night.
He's going to get that training bra
back to you real soon. Who's in here?
Danny saw me naked!
You think you're cool!
-Who are you? What's your name?
-Dennis.
Did you brush your teeth?
Both of them.
When will you get a haircut?
Who is this?
That's your nephew!
What are we running, a restaurant?
Did you get out yesterday?
Twice.
I caddied for Ty Webb in the morning
and I had doubles in the afternoon.
How much is that?
It's about $ plus tips.
Put it in the college fund!
He's like a three-year old!
You must tell him every time
he gets some money.
When you get back from Little League...
...let's do some painting on this house.
The Douglases got fake brick.
You don't have to paint it.
Hooray for the Douglases!
Oh, Jonathan! Bad boy!
Why not give the St. Copius Scholarship
people a call?
I don't know about that place.
I talked to a guy who went there.
He said there were only two girls
and they were both nuns.
I saw that! That's about $ in change!
I had a couple of burgers
and some Cokes for lunch.
How many Cokes?
Four or five.
What are you, a diabetic?
You're not leaving
until we settle the college thing!
If he doesn't have something lined up
by September...
...l'll ask Tom Burdick to put him on
at the lumber yard!
He won't work at the lumber yard!
He isn't going to be a caddy all his life,
is he?
"l'm alright
No¨body worry a¨bout me
"Why you got to give me a fight?
Can't youjust let it ¨be?
"Who do you want?
"Who are you going to ¨be today?"
Hey, Mr. Webb. Can I ask you something?
Sure thing. Shoot, Timmy.
Danny.
When you were my age,
did you ever have trouble...
...deciding what you wanted
to do with your life?
No, I've never had that problem. Why?
Forget it. I didn't think you'd understand.
-Do you take drugs?
-Every day.
-Good. So what's the problem?
-I don't know.
Did you take the Cooter Preference Test...
...when you were a senior in high school?
Yes, I took it. They said
I should be a fire-watcher.
-What are you supposed to be?
-An underachiever.
I've got to go to college. I've got to!
Danny, this isn't Russia.
Is this Russia? This isn't Russia, is it?
I didn't think so. No, the thing is,
do you want to go to college?
In Nebraska?
Besides, it costs like $ a year.
Hold on. I think I lent you $ . yesterday.
I can't pay for everything,
so don't ask for money.
My dad can't afford it.
I haven't told him about the scholarship
I didn't get.
I'll be working in a lumber yard
for the rest of my life.
What's wrong with lumber?
I own two lumber yards.
I notice you don't spend much time there.
I'm not sure where they are.
I like you, Betty.
That's Danny, sir.
Danny. I'm going to give you
a little advice.
There's a force in the universe...
...that makes things happen.
All you have to do is get in touch with it.
Stop thinking. Let things happen...
...and be...the ball.
Where's the wedge?
Find your center.
Hear nothing. Feel nothing.
That was kind of incredible, sir.
-You try it, Danny.
-Pardon me?
You try it.
Just relax. Find your center.
Picture the shot. Picture it.
Turn off all the sound.
Just let it happen. Be the ball.
Be the ball, Danny.
You're not being the ball, Danny.
It's difficult with you talking like that.
I'm not talking. Stop talking.
I'm not talking now.
Be the ball.
Where did it go?
Right in the lumber yard. It's okay.
We'll work on it.
Do you know what I just saw?
A gopher!
A gopher? Where?
Do you know what gophers can do
to a golf course?
I think they're tunneling in
from that construction site over yonder.
Czervik Construction Company?
I'll slap an injunction on them so fast
it will make their heads spin!
You get rid of those gophers...
...or I'll be looking for a new greenskeeper!
ls that clear?
Aye, sir! Very clear, sir!
I'll put my best man on it!
I'm looking at you.
You wore green so you could hide.
I don't blame you. You're a tramp.
That was a good one!
That was right where you wanted it.
You're a little monkey woman,
you know that?
You're a little monkey woman.
You're lean...
...and you're mean and you're not
too far between either...
...l bet, are you?
Would you like to wrap
your spikes around my head?
Damn your eyes, man!
I told you to cut the long grass
on the th and mow the practice green!
I was unavoidably detained.
You can forget about the th
and the practice green.
I've got a more important job for you.
I want you to kill every gopher
on the course!
Check me if I'm wrong,
but if I kill all the golfers...
...they'll lock me up
and throw away the key.
Gophers! Not golfers!
The little brown furry rodents!
We can do that.
We don't even need a reason.
Then do it, man!
I'll just do the same thing,
but with gophers.
It's not my fault nobody can understand
what you're saying.
Give me the Mets on three
and I'll take the Yankees even.
I'll call you back.
Caddyshack.
All right. I'll be right up.
Take over for me.
I'll be right back.
So I jump ship in Hong Kong
and make my way over to Tibet...
...and I get on as a looper at a course
in the Himalayas.
A looper?
A looper. You know, a caddy, a looper...
...a jock.
So I tell them I'm a pro jock
and who do you think they give me?
The Dalai Lama, himself.
The th son of the Lama.
With flowing robes, grace, bald, striking.
I'm on the first tee with him.
I give him the driver.
He hauls off and whacks one.
Big hitter, the Lama. Long!
Into a foot crevice
right at the base of this glacier!
Do you know what the Lama says?
"Gunga galunga. Gunga gunga da gunga."
So we finish and he's going to stiff me.
And I say, "Hey, Lama!
"How about a little something,
you know, for the effort?"
And he says, "There won't be any money...
"...but when you die, on your deathbed...
"...you will receive total consciousness."
So I've got that going for me...
which is nice.
Your ball is right over there.
Go straight and you can't miss it.
Mrs. Havercamp, you go that way
and it's right over....
Mrs. Havercamp, you need this.
I might, at that.
Mr. Havercamp, your ball is right
over here, sir.
No, Mr. Havercamp,
the green is over there. It's that way.
Sir, just bend a little that way
and swing away and...
...just straight up. That's fine. Great.
That's a peach, hon!
I'm hot today!
Did they die on you, Tony?
I can't pay you. Lou has to.
Where is he?
He's out.
I can see he's out, numb nuts!
Give me a Coke.
Wait a minute! That's only cents!
Lou raised the price of Coke.
He's been losing at the track.
Well, I ain't paying no cents
for no Coke!
Then you ain't getting no Coke!
You've had it, Noonan!
Come on, open this door!
Watch it, jerk!
Come on out, Noonan!
What's going on?
Open up. Come on.
Sure you don't need me for nothing?
I think you and I ought to go outside
and have a little talk.
My friend, you have no idea how happy
this is going to make me.
I'm going to enjoy this thoroughly.
I hope that means both of us.
Couldn't we just arm wrestle
or something?
That's my brother! Give me a hand.
Whip his ass, Tony!
Now, who did you say the jerk was, jerk?
What is this?
What does the sign say?
"No bare feet."
What does that sign say?
"No fighting."
What does it mean?
No fighting.
You owe me one gumball machine!
What's that candy wrapper doing there?
Don't you see it?
Well, pick it up!
I'll put it right on the line.
There have been a lot
of complaints already:
Fooling around on the course,
bad language...
...smoking grass, poor caddying.
If you guys want to get fired...
...if you want to be replaced by golf carts,
just keep it up.
One announcement.
Carl Lipbaum died last week in summer
school from a severe anxiety attack.
I heard he swallowed his vomit
during a test.
However it happened, he was a good caddy
and a good kid.
He was a brownnose, Lou! You hated him.
Shut up! That means the caddy
scholarship is available again.
Anyone who's interested
should go see Judge Smails.
And kiss his ass!
That would help.
Let's move out. We've got golfers waiting.
You! Pick up that blood.
What kind of grades do I need
for this Caddy Scholarship deal?
If you've been a good caddy,
I think they're lenient.
We're about to tee off now...
...so call the hospital...
...and move my appointment
with Mrs. Bellows back minutes.
Just snake a tube down her nose
and I'll be there...
...in four or five hours. Testing now.
Don't you have homes?
There's a brown Audi parked
in my parking space.
Get a tow truck over here
and have it hauled away immediately!
Look at the wax build-up on those shoes!
This is fine leather!
I want that wax stripped off!
I want them creamed and buffed
with a fine chamois.
I want them now!
You've got them, Judge!
Get dressed. You're playing golf today.
No, I'm not, Grandpa! I'm playing tennis!
You'll play golf and you'll like it!
What about my asthma?
I'll give you asthma!
What did you shoot today?
I don't keep score, Judge.
How do you measure yourself
with other golfers?
By height.
You should play with Dr. Beeper
and myself.
I mean, he's been Club champion
for three years running...
...and I'm no slouch, myself.
Don't sell yourself short, Judge.
You're a tremendous slouch.
Have you heard the latest one...
...about the Jew, the Catholic
and the colored boy who went to heaven?
That's a doozie, Judge!
Colored boy?
You son of a bitch! I'll fix you!
Here you are, kid. Park my car,
get my bags...
...and put on some weight, will you?
Hey, Wang! What's with the pictures?
It's a parking lot! Come on.
I think this place is restricted,
so don't tell them you're Jewish.
I'm AI Czervik.
I'm playing with Drew Scott today
and this is my guest, Mr. Wang.
Give me half a dozen
of the Vulcan D-tens...
...and set my friend up
with the whole schmear.
You know, clubs, bags, shoes...
...gloves, shirt, pants.
Orange balls! I'll have a box of those...
...and give me a box of those
naked-lady tees.
This is the worst-looking hat I ever saw!
You buy a hat like this,
I'll bet you get a free bowl of soup.
It looks good on you, though.
Judge Smails, Smails the Third,
Dr. Beeper and Bishop Pickering.
Who wants it?
I'll take Smails if nobody wants him.
Brownnose!
Motormouth, take Dr. Beeper.
John, you take the Bish.
This is ridiculous. Let me carry that.
No. I can do it.
-You sure?
-Yeah.
Madonna with meatballs!
Turds!
How many times have I spoken to you
about your language?
Sorry, Grandpa, I forgot.
Bishop Pickering, Dr. Beeper,
this is my niece, Lacey Underall.
Lacey's mother sent her to us
for the summer.
It must be a nice change from dreary,
old Manhattan.
Yes. I was getting really tired
of having fun all the time.
Double turds!
So where do we tee off?
We're all set to go.
You know my friend here, don't you?
Are we waiting for these guys?
Hey, Whitey! Where's your hat?
Let's go while we're young!
Do you mind, sir? I'm trying to tee off.
I bet you slice it into the woods.
A hundred bucks!
Gambling is illegal at Bushwood, sir,
and I never slice!
Damn!
Okay! You can owe me!
I owe you nothing!
Judge Smails, sir, can I talk to you?
You want your driver?
No, he's not my type.
Hey, that's a joke! I'm kidding.
Give me the driver.
All right, place your bets! Here we are!
Don't count that! I was interfered with.
What did Mr. Webb shoot this morning?
He doesn't keep score, sir.
I know, but just guess. ? ?
More like I think.
I don't believe it.
Why don't you improve your lie?
Yes, yes. Winter rules.
Fore!
Fine shot.
I should have yelled two!
Why don't we walk this off, sir?
What have you got in here, rocks?
Are you kidding? When I was your age...
...l would lug pounds of ice up five,
six flights of stairs!
So what?
So let's dance!
Now, what the devil?
The man is a menace!
Cut that off!
Music is a violation of our personal
privacy! He's breaking the law!
I've always been fascinated
with the law, sir.
Really? What areas?
All areas. Personal privacy,
noise statutes....
I'd planned to go to law school
after I graduated, but...
...my folks won't have enough money
to put me through college.
The world needs ditchdiggers, too.
Nice try.
"Great big gobs of greasy,
grimy gopher guts."
How about a nice, cool drink, varmints?
Scum, slime, menace
to the golfing industry!
You're a disgrace. You're varmints.
You're one of the lowest members
of the food chain...
...and you'll probably
be replaced by the rat.
Well, I have been pushed.
It's about time somebody
teaches these varmints...
...a little lesson about morality...
...and about what it's like to be a decent,
upstanding member of a society!
Come to Carl, varmint.
I guess we're playing for keeps now.
I guess the kidding around
is pretty much over.
I guess it's just a matter...
...of pumping about gallons
of water down there...
...to teach you a lesson.
Is that it? I think it is!
-You guys are brothers?
-Yeah.
Is this a family business, or what?
They say for ltalians this is skilled labor,
you know that?
No, actually, I'm a rich millionaire.
My doctor told me to get out...
...and carry golf bags
a couple of times a week.
You're a funny kid. What time
are you due back in Boys Town?
Albert Einstein gave me this.
Nice man.
He made a fortune in physics.
I'll tell you, son. My main satisfaction...
...is working with young people
like yourself at our new Youtheran Center.
Why don't you drop by some time?
I've often thought
of entering the priesthood.
Are you Roman Catholic?
I'm sorry, but I'm afraid you can't come.
Go for it.
You know, I've often thought
of becoming a golf club.
Not bad, huh? I'll have more units
in the next two years!
I bet they'd love a great shopping mall
right here!
Condos over there! Plenty of parking.
Country clubs and cemeteries...
...are the biggest wasters
of prime real estate!
Dead people? They don't want
to be buried nowadays. Ecology, right?
Ask Wang. He'll tell you.
We just bought property...
...behind the Great Wall. On the good side!
I want a hamburger.
No, a cheeseburger.
I want a hot dog.
I want a milkshake.
You'll get nothing and like it!
Stop it. The judge will see you.
Are you going out with me tonight?
Yes. To my room? I've got to work
in the dining room tonight.
Come work with me. You can bus tables.
I've never done that.
It's easy. You fill the water glass,
replace the butter.
If they drop a fork,
you give them another one.
I don't think I can handle that.
Put me down for five.
If I can just make this one....
A thousand bucks you miss that putt!
Of all the nerve!
I did not throw it--
If you didn't, how the hell did it get here?
It slipped!
What's the problem?
He almost killed my wife
with his damn club!
It was an accident!
It slipped out of my hands.
I noticed your grips were worn.
I should've mentioned it before.
I could put some "stick-um" on there
for you. It's my fault.
That's a good idea.
Next time be more careful!
Kids! Look, I'm terribly sorry
this happened.
I'll pay for your lunch
and I'll pay for the umbrella.
I'll see you at the table. I'll sign your card.
Thanks for helping me back there.
You're a good caddy.
Something to be very proud of.
Do you know we're giving
another caddy scholarship this year?
I heard, but my grades in school
weren't that outstanding.
There are more important things
than grades.
Winning the caddy tournament,
for instance...
...might look pretty good
on a young fellow's application.
I'm sure going to try.
This is for you. Tell Ty Webb
I'm gunning for him.
If he's as good as he says he is,
he's got to play me to prove it!
I will, sir.
License to kill gophers by the government
of the United Nations.
Man...free to kill gophers at will.
To kill, you must know your enemy.
In this case, my enemy is a varmint,
and a varmint will never quit.
Ever! They're like the Viet Cong.
Varmint Cong!
So what you have to do,
you have to fall back...
...on superior firepower...
...and superior intelligence.
And that's all she wrote.
Are you going to eat your fat?
You're looking lovely this evening,
Mrs. Smails.
You'd be interested to know
this uniform was given to me...
...by the Captain of the Links
of St. Andrews in Scotland.
They invented the game there,
but they call it "gof"...
...without the "L" as we do.
I think I have enough butter.
Right. If you need any more....
So when Mona died last winter,
I said to myself:
"Al, if you keep busting your hump
hours a day...
"...you'll end up with a $ -million funeral! "
Doll, could you scare up another round
for our table?
And tell the cook
this is low-grade dog food.
Here, take this for yourself.
I had better food at the ballgame!
I tell you, this steak still has marks
where the jockey was hitting it.
Anyway, today I just stick to real estate.
With the market these days,
if you own anything but land...
...you own a popcorn farm !
Oh, did somebody step on a duck?
Ain't that right, sir?
The graveyard is two blocks
to the left, okay?
Dog food? I'll show him dog food!
Hey, where's the bar?
Let's have some drinks here.
Waiter, here, this is for you,
all right? Oh! Captain Hook!
How about the grand you owe me?
Forget about it. I'm just kidding.
This is your wife? A lovely lady.
Baby, you're all right.
You must have been something
before electricity.
Hey, doll, how are you? You live alone?
Hey, Rabbi, nice seeing you.
Folks, how are you?
And this is your grandson, huh?
Oh, wonderful boy!
Yeah, he's a good boy.
Now I know why tigers eat their young.
The dance of the living dead!
I know why you came here tonight.
Why?
That girl. Listen, I'd put that idea right out
of your mind.
She's been plucked more times
than the Rose of Tralee.
Biggest whore on Fifth Avenue, I'm told!
Pay no attention to that bush
moving around there by that tree.
It's just a bush.
Don't even look twice at it.
Nothing to be alarmed about.
This looks like it could be gravy.
I smell varmint poontang.
The only good varmint poontang
is dead varmint poontang...
...l think.
Ty, there's someone you must meet!
AI built our condo in Palm Beach.
I need a drink. Nice meeting you.
I think someone is giving you the big eye!
Hey! Can you make a bullshot?
Can you make a shoe smell?
Very funny. Why don't you get yourself
a real haircut? Here, take this.
What people here! Look at that one.
The last time I saw a mouth like that,
it had a hook in it!
So what brings you to this nape
of the woods...neck of the wape?
How come you're here?
Daddy wanted to broaden me.
In this place? Good luck!
What do you do for excitement?
Oh, l...play a lot of golf.
Golf? Nixon plays golf.
I bet you have a lot of interesting stories...
...about your ball landing in the road.
So what do you do?
I enjoy...skinny-skiing...
...going to bullfights on acid....
I'll bet you've got a lot of nice ties.
What do you mean?
You want to tie me up
with some of your ties...Ty?
I've got a good idea.
Let's pretend...we're real human beings.
Freeze, gopher!
Who is that disgusting man over there?
I tell you, I never saw
dead people smoke before!
A guest of the Scotts.
What do you say we bust up this joint?
You two should get a room, you know?
Ringo, play something hot, will you?
And you guys...take some more lessons!
Judge, give someone else a chance!
You lucky devil!
Come here, honey! And loosen up!
You're a lot of woman, you know?
You want to make $ the hard way?
You! You! You're no gentleman!
I'm no doorknob, either.
I never want to see that man here again!
Wait up, girls.
I've got a salami I've got to hide.
I told you! Today is the day
we change the holes!
Go do it now! No more slacking off!
I'll slack you off, you fuzzy little foreigner...
...and I'll fill your bagpipes with Wheatena!
Man in a boat overboard.
You beast!
You savage.
Come on, bark like a dog for me.
Bark like a dog! I will teach you
the meaning of the word "respect" !
I've just got to win that caddy tournament!
I owe it to my folks to get that scholarship.
Why do you want to go to college?
I don't know.
Let me tell you a story.
I once knew a guy who could've been
a great golfer. Could've gone pro.
All he needed was a little time
and some practice.
He decided to go to college instead.
He went for four years. Did pretty well.
At the end of his four years,
his last semester, he was kicked out.
You know what for?
He was night-putting.
Just putting at night...
...with the -year-old daughter
of the Dean.
You know who that guy was?
No.
Take one good guess.
Bob Hope.
No, that guy was Mitch Cumstein...
...my roommate.
He's a good guy. Don't be obsessed
with your desires, Danny.
The Zen philosopher, Basho, once wrote:
"A flute with no holes is not a flute...
"...and a doughnut
with no hole is a Danish."
He was a funny guy.
You missed just that one.
In one physical model of the universe...
...the shortest distance between two points
is a straight line...
...in the opposite direction.
Unbelievable!
Thank you very little.
You're on the tee!
Nice form.
Good luck, sucker.
-Shit!
-No, no! Nice shot! Right on the beach.
Okay, Danny, this is for the Gold.
You ain't got it today, Noonan.
Excellent round, son!
I'm having a party at the Yacht Club
this Sunday.
I'm christening my new sloop.
What are you doing this Sunday?
-No plans.
-Great!
How would you like to mow my lawn?
I figured a college-bound fellow
could use a few extra dollars.
And when you're finished...
...why don't you drop by the Yacht Club?
Smile!
How about we go swimming?
I don't have the swimwear.
Besides, I've never swum.
I'll teach you.
Why don't you come on in
and help me sort my holy cards first?
Now...Maggie's pants.
Hey, Bigfoot, don't trip in the water!
That's it!
You put your suit on!
You shave your ass!
Hi, Maggie. How was it?
How was what?
I guess it couldn't have been
that great, then.
A lot you fucking know, D'Annunzio!
All right. Stand up!
All right! Okay!
She's incredible!
Hi, Mama.
Hey, you guys, cool it!
I mean it!
Want some?
Give me some.
Who asked you?
Come on! I'm asking.
Hey, thanks a lot!
Stop that, you two! All of you!
I want you out of that pool at once!
I don't want to see another caddy body
in this pool!
Did you understand what I said? Out!
Take your hands off her, young man!
Put your clothes back on!
Out! Didn't you hear me?
Doodie!
Don't touch it!
Spaulding! No!
Doodie!
If you find anything
that doesn't look like it....
I want the entire pool scrubbed,
sterilized and disinfected!
There it is!
It's no big deal!
Well, hello! Surprise, surprise!
-Are you busy?
-No, come on in.
Go ahead. It's nothing.
I tried calling, but there is no listing
for "Mr. Wonderful."
What spelling did you use?
Sorry about this mess.
Let me just clean up here.
I'm getting ready for the season.
Duck?
No, no. Dolphin.
Would you like a drink?
Tuna Colada, perhaps?
Anything. Who's your decorator,
Benihana?
No, I brought most of that stuff
back from Vietnam.
You were in the war?
Uh...no.... Homo.
Much better now, though.
Here's an uncashed check for $ .
Keep it.
There's a bunch of them ! And a summons.
It's yours.
Pretty pathetic, Ty.
Pathetic? Maybe for you, Lacey.
For me, there's a subtle perfection
in everything I do.
I've got my own standards, my own way.
My uncle says you've got a screw loose.
Your uncle molests collies.
And you're rather...
...attractive for...
...a beautiful girl with a great body.
Sing me a love song.
I'm going to.
This stuff is terrible.
It's good. You don't know how to do it.
How do I do it?
I'm going to show you.
"l was born to love you.
"l was born to lick your face.
"l was born to rub you...
"...but you were born to rub me first."
Let's go onto the...patio.
You know what this is called in the East?
It's the "big rub."
You're very...small-breasted.
No, I was kidding.
I'll work my way down.
This is the lsle of Wight.
Careful. I'm going to move
right down the Ticonic Parkway...
...over to your clavula....
Will you get serious?
That's a very "in" thing to say.
Ow! That hurts!
You're blocking!
Just hold on to your choppers.
I'll just get a little more oil.
Now I've done it. You get that way from....
Oh, I'm sorry.
It's like reaching under the rug.
You're crazy!
That's what they said about Son of Sam.
You know something else?
I'm a very qualified acupuncturist.
Don't even think about it!
I'm just going to eat these.
I want you to know about it.
It's like acupressure but it's acupuncture.
The slightest prick
and you wouldn't even know--
I'll kill you!
No, I did not do that.
You feel looser?
I feel like $ .
Will you forget the massage...
...and just kiss me, you fool.
Hey, what kind of shit is this?
It's the best, man. I got it from a Negro.
You're probably so high already
you don't even know it.
He looks like Dick Cavett.
Hey, save me a toke!
Got to do my "doctor" thing.
All right, everybody,
it's time to christen the sloop!
Come along, children. You can shake
your booties down on the dock.
Ahoy, polloi. What did you just come from,
a Scotch ad?
Eat it, Spaulding!
My, what a nice looking young man!
You're from Bushwood, aren't you?
He's not a member, Grandma.
He's a caddy!
Judge Smails invited me at the Club.
Of course. You're the young man
who wants to be in the Senate.
Well, you two look like a couple of boogies.
Why don't you just scamper along now?
May I escort you out, ma'am?
Hold on, son. Are you trying to make time
with my best girl?
I want you to meet Chuck Schick.
He's clerking for me this summer...
...until he passes the bar.
See you on deck, Senator!
I'm going to law school, too.
Really? Are you going to Harvard?
No. St. Copius of Northern....
Where?
Hey, Cary Grant. You want to get high?
Wait a minute! I've only got a little.
Then split. Okay?
'Bye, Chuck.
Guess I'm a little overdressed, huh?
Depends on what's underneath.
I have a little poem I'd like to read
in honor of this occasion, if I may.
Spaulding, get your foot off the boat!
"lt's easy to grin
when your ship comes in...
"...and you've got the stock market beat.
"But the man worthwhile
is the man who can smile...
"...when his shorts are too tight
in the seat! "
Okay, Pookie, do the honors.
Bless this ship and all who sail on her.
I christen thee "The Flying Wasp."
This is your fate line.
You're going to make a lot of money
when you're older.
Yeah? When? How?
Could be in the market or on a game show.
And this is your saliva line.
What does it tell?
How hot I can get you.
Well, don't just stand there!
Go get some glue!
Hey! My buddy!
Full steam ahead! Over there.
I want to go over there!
Move over Swanson. I'm driving!
My dinghy is bigger than your whole boat!
Save me a parking place! I'm coming in!
Heave off!
Get back, you idiot!
I almost got head from Amelia Earhart!
What is this? Hell's Angels?
Reverse!
Back!
Which way is backwards?
Stop! Stop!
Okay. Drop anchor!
Hey, you scratched my anchor!
I just want you to know
that because of this...
...you don't have to stop seeing
other people.
You!
Your robe, Your Honor.
I don't believe anybody's home.
Thanks a lot!
Are we still having tea?
Will you come and loofah
my stretch marks?
That must be the tea.
What an incredible Cinderella story!
This unknown comes out of nowhere
to lead the pack.
He's on his final hole.
He's about yards away.
He's going to hit about a two iron, I think.
Well, he got out of that.
The crowd is standing on its feet.
The normally reserved crowd...
...is going wild!
For this young Cinderella
who has come out of nowhere...
...he's got about yards left.
He'll get a five iron...
...l would expect. Don't you think?
He's got a beautiful back swing.
That's...oh! He got out of that one!
He's got to be pleased with that.
The crowd is on its feet here.
He's a Cinderella boy.
Tears in his eyes, I guess,
as he lines up this last shot.
He's got about yards left, and...
...looks like he's got an eight iron.
This crowd has gone deadly silent.
Cinderella story. Out of nowhere.
A former greenskeeper now about
to become the Master's champion.
It's in the hole!
I was hoping to squeeze in nine holes
before this rain starts.
Certainly, Your Eminency.
Take my bag.
You better put this on.
That's a great shot.
I can't believe the way you hit the ball, sir.
You really covered it.
We better start moving.
Did you see that?
Miracle!
Nice shot, Bishop. You must have made
a deal with the devil!
I could break the Club record.
You better come in until this blows over.
So what do you think?
I'd keep playing.
I don't think the heavy stuff
will come down for a while.
You're right.
Anyway, the good Lord
would never disrupt...
...the best game of my life.
I'm infallible, young fella!
Come on! One more hole!
Ratfarts!
You're here early.
I kind of slept here last night.
I'm in big trouble.
Yeah? Me too. I'm late!
Late for what?
For not being pregnant!
I don't hold you responsible!
It's my problem. I can handle it.
I'm not going to let you
go through this alone.
Whatever you decide.
I'm going to have it! I've already decided!
That's it, then.
We'll just get married.
Oh, God! That's all I need!
No, I want to, all right?
No, you don't!
Yes, I do!
Look, I don't want to get married!
Come on, Maggie. You're just saying that.
No, I'm not!
It might not be yours. Okay?
You're making this up
about the other guys...
...so I won't feel guilty.
I'm not making it up!
All right. Well, I'm still willing
to marry you!
Well, thanks for nothing!
You're a good egg, Noonan.
She needs you.
Pick up that Kleenex.
The judge would like to see the caddy
Danny Noonan as soon as he comes in.
I'm Danny Noonan.
Would you come with me, please?
Judge Smails, sir?
Sit down, Danny.
I think you know why you're here.
So I'll do us the courtesy
of not reviewing what happened yesterday.
My niece is the kind of girl
that has a certain zest for living.
The last thing any of us needs now
is a lot of loose talk about her behavior.
I swear I didn't tell anybody anything, sir.
Good. Good.
You know, despite what happened...
...l'm still convinced that you have
many fine qualities.
I think you can still become a gentleman
someday...
...if you understand and abide by the rules
of decent society.
There's a lot of...well,
badness in the world today.
I see it in court every day.
I've sentenced boys younger than you
to the gas chamber.
I didn't want to do it.
I felt I owed it to them.
The most important decision you can make
right now is what you stand for.
Goodness...
...or badness.
I've made some mistakes in the past.
I'm willing to make up for that.
I want to be good!
Very good!
I know how hard it is for young people
today and I want to help.
Just ask my grandson, Spaulding.
He and I are regular pals.
Are you my pal...
..."Mr. Scholarship Winner"?
Yes, sir! I'm your pal!
How about a Fresca?
Another rob roy, Bishop?
You never ask a navy man
if he'll have another drink...
...because it's nobody's
goddamn business...
...how many drinks he's had already, right?
Wrong! You're drinking too much,
Your Excellency.
"Excellency," fiddlesticks!
My name is Fred and I'm just a man,
same as you are.
You're not a man.
You're a bishop, for God's sake!
There is no God!
Webb, I didn't see your name on
the sign-in sheet for the Club tournament.
I thought you'd be the man to beat
this year.
Guess you'll just have
to keep beating yourself.
Come on, honey. Let's go.
How are you, boys?
Hey, we're both starving.
When do we eat?
You have worn out your welcome, sir!
Is that so? Who made you Pope
of this dump?
Bushwood...a "dump"?
Well, I'll guarantee
you'll never be a member here!
Are you kidding? You think
I'd join this crummy "snobatorium"?
Why, this whole place sucks!
That's right. The only reason I'm here
is maybe I'll buy it!
Buy Bushwood! You...?
I get no respect from anyone!
Please! What's going on?
He tried to choke me! You saw it.
He called me a baboon.
Thinks I'm his wife.
I'm calling the police!
Call the chief of police! I built his condo!
Out! I want him out of here!
Let's go, Beeper!
Judge! Come on, let's be adults here!
Let's not mess the place up.
We can handle this in private.
Let's go to your office.
I'll make some drinks for us all.
We'll talk about it. Come on.
Are you flipping out?
No, I'm happy! I'm not pregnant!
That's great.
You were sweet
and I'm sorry I was hard on you.
No, I deserved it.
I've been acting like a jerk.
I hate myself.
I'm gonna get that scholarship.
That's good, isn't it?
No, I've been a creep lately.
I just can't help it.
You're not a creep.
Yes, I am.
No, you're not.
All right, maybe you are a little bit.
Listen, you're good deep down.
I know you'll do the right thing.
I demand satisfaction!
Oh, you want satisfaction?
I'll tell you what's real satisfying...cash!
I'll shoot you holes for $ .
Why, I could beat you with one arm.
How about teams for $ ?
You can have "Dr. Frankenputz."
I beg your pardon!
And I'll take Ty.
Hey, fellows. Don't include me.
I don't have time.
Come on. You're an ace.
Everybody knows it!
I don't play golf for money...
against people.
Are you religious or something?
You might say that.
Can I have a word with you? ln private.
Sure thing, Judge.
Your father and I prepped together...
...went to war together,
played golf together.
We built this Club, he and I !
Let's face it. Some people...
...simply do not belong.
Let's not...cave in too easy.
What do you say, Ty?
Let's make it $ .
Great!
My dad...never liked you.
I'll see you two tomorrow morning
on the golf course!
Beautiful!
I have to laugh...
...because I've often asked myself...
...my foe, my enemy, is an animal.
In order to conquer him...
...l have to think like an animal
and whenever possible...
...to look like one.
I've got to get inside...
...this dude's pelt and crawl around
for a few days.
Who is the gopher's ally? His friend?
The harmless squirrel
and the friendly rabbit.
I'm going to use you guys
to do my dirty work for me.
Look at that. It's the gopher.
There she is!
This is it! It's a Titleist!
All right, show yourself, little varmint!
If you've got the guts!
Son of a bitch.
Where did you go? Oh, hi, Carl.
Mind if I play through?
Sure. Go right ahead. Are you getting
in a late night or something?
I was just loosening up a bit.
Was that your ball I heard rambling
through here?
Yeah. Did you see my ball?
Titleist?
-That's it!
-It's right here.
Is this your place?
What do you think?
It's really awful.
Well, I have a lot of things on order.
You know, credit trouble.
I'm an assistant greenskeeper.
They say that doesn't mean anything
until I'm the head greenskeeper.
Can you get me a ruling on this?
Make yourself comfortable.
No, I don't want to stick to anything.
Take this thing off. This is dirty.
Don't go to any trouble.
Fire her up.
With my lips?
Go ahead. Right back.
If I could just borrow a wedge
or something.
If you'd open a curtain, I could get right
through the window.
People say I'm an idiot...
...because all I do is cut lawns for a living.
People don't say that about you,
as far as you know.
Well, I'm working on it
so I don't ever have to....
I'll be the head greenskeeper...
...hopefully within six years.
That's my schedule.
But I am studying this stuff,
so I know it...you know, like...
...chinch bugs. You know...
...manganese. A lot of people
don't even know what that is.
Nitrogen....
Just open a curtain and I can just get out--
I invented my own kind of grass, too.
Did you know that? Look at this.
This is registered: Carl Spackler's Bench.
I've felt grass like this before.
I've played on this stuff.
This is a hybrid.
This is a cross of bluegrass...
...Kentucky bluegrass, featherbed bench...
...and northern California sinsemilla.
The amazing stuff about this is...
...that you can play holes
on it in the afternoon...
...take it home and just get stoned...
...at night on this stuff.
I've got pounds of this stuff.
Say, let's have a little bit of this.
Look at this. Try it.
I really don't do this very often.
You'll love it. This is dynamite.
Watch out.
Well, maybe one drag, then I've got to go.
It's a little harsh. Here. Cannonball it!
Cannonball it right back...
...then one more of these right on top of it!
Cannonball coming!
Can I have a drop? Just a drop...myself?
That's fine for me. That's good.
Can I say something to you?
You've been acting psychotically lately.
Why?
I've been a little under strain.
I have to play with Smails tomorrow...
...in a money match.
If he bothers you, I'll take care of him.
What you've got to do is cut
the hamstring on the back of his leg...
...right at the bottom.
He'll never play golf again...
...because his weight displacement
goes back...
...all his weight is on his right foot...
...and he'll push everything off to the right.
He'll never come through on anything.
He'll quit the game.
That would work.
I'll call you if I need help.
But, seriously, no b.s...
...if you ever want to rap
or just get weird with somebody....
You know...buddies.
I'll drop by. You drop by my place
any time.
What's your address?
You're on Briar, right?
Do you have a pool?
A pool and a pond.
A pond would be good for you.
Natural spring.
Anything would be good.
Well, I'm going to clean this up.
You go ahead and clean up.
It looks fine to me.
Thanks for the dope.
You carry my bag.
Get back there! What do you think
you're doing? Get off of here!
This is a golf course, not a parking lot!
Now back this thing out of here right now!
Hey, look at that!
Don't play games with me.
Put the steering wheel here
where it belongs...
...and get this out of here!
Let's play golf!
Don't do it! I didn't do that!
Oh, there's my phone!
Gentlemen, it's about time we....
I told you never to call me on
the golf course! What's that? Then sell!
They're all selling? Then buy!
I'll tell you what,
let me have the Coast. Any Coast!
What do you want?
Can I use your phone? I have a call.
Is it a long distance?
Gentlemen, we all know this is illegal
and against Club practice...
...and I'd like to ask at this time...
...if you all agree to waive all sanction
against said referee...
...or anything that might get me fired.
The match is for $ each.
Lowest score wins the hole
in regulation match play.
I have a number of tees in my hand.
Your Honor, odd or even?
Odd!
Odd, it is. Your honor, Your Honor.
Hey, tiger, here. Keep it fair, will you?
No, I can't accept this.
Driver, please.
Don't smile at me a lot, okay?
The Judge and Mr. Czervik
have a $ match going on!
What do you want to do?
Five on Mr. Czech.
Hello? Anybody home?
Hello, Mr. Gopher! It's me, Mr. Squirrel.
Just a harmless squirrel.
Not a plastic explosive or anything.
Nothing to be worried about.
I'm just here to make your last hours
on earth as peaceful as possible.
Don't mind this. This is doctor's orders.
You don't mind if I just pop in there
for a few laughs?
That's right. Or in the words
of Jean-Paul Sartre:
"Au revoir, gopher."
This is going to be sweet.
That kangaroo stole my ball!
"What's up, Doc?"
I don't understand it!
I'm playing the worst game of my life!
Don't put yourself down, Al.
You're not...you're not good. You stink.
Fifty bucks the Smails kid picks his nose.
All right, kid, take your time.
Fifty bucks more says he eats it.
Don't do it, kid!
That kid will eat anything!
He was hungry.
What do you say, Al? Shall we press on?
Hey, Judge, cheer up, will you?
My boat needs exactly $ worth
of repairs.
So does your brain!
You want to double it?
Fine! $ apiece!
All right! You've got it!
Hold on, Judge! That's my office.
I better get going.
No. You're in for half of $ .
Probably just a routine emergency.
Why did I double it? I should have
stayed home and played with myself!
I saw Smails before. He was cheating.
Nobody likes a tattletale...
except, of course, me.
My arm ! It's broken!
What has this buffoon done now?
Okay, let's have a look.
That might be a fractured ulna.
I'm afraid you forfeit.
Who says so? The match is a draw!
You don't play, you lose. Right, Lou?
That's right,
unless you allow him a substitute.
Spaulding can play out his holes.
Actually, Judge, I think it's up to us
to pick a substitute.
Who do you want?
Sonja Henie is out.
We'll take Danny Noonan.
Danny is an employee of the Club.
He can't work and play,
particularly in something as illegal as this!
Makes a lot of sense.
If you win, I'll make it worth your while.
I'll play.
You don't want that scholarship, do you?
I guess I don't.
I guess you don't!
Don't worry. It's good luck.
In Haiti!
You've got to win this hole.
I thought winning wasn't important.
Me winning isn't! You do!
Great grammar.
See your future. Be...your future.
Make...make it!
Make your future. I'm a veg, Danny.
Give me this. Take it easy, will you, Ty?
Hey, Mr. Gopher?
Gentlemen, this match is all even.
Final hole. Doctor, you are away.
Spaulding, this calls for the old Billy Baroo.
This is a biggie!
Don't let me down, Billy!
Forty thousand dollars...Billy!
I knew you'd do it!
"Silver wings upon their chest...
"...these are men, America's best."
Don't worry about this one.
If you miss it, we lose.
Hey, Judge! Double or nothing
he makes it!
Eighty thousand dollars!
What's that, Judge?
You're on!
We're waiting!
Noonan...you can do it!
You lose it, buddy!
Fore!
It's a birdie!
All right, Smails, that's grand.
Now fork it over!
I'll give you nothing!
Absolutely nothing, you understand!
I figured as much! Hey, Moose!
Rocco! Help the judge find his checkbook.
Well, l...l will.
Hey, everybody!
We're all going to get laid!