Voila! Finally, the Cadillac Man
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Robin Williams movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Cadillac Man. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
I don't know what's
wrong with it.
You guys were supposed
to service this thing!
I don't know why he
didn't service it.
I don't know.
Why don't you guys take a suck
on that tailpipe?
Son of a bitch!
I don't know what the hell
I'm going to do now.
Hot.
Blown engine, right?
The engine's blown to hell.
Want me to call you a tow truck?
We got help coming.
Really.
Joey O'Brien, Turgeon Auto.
Finest automobiles
by the world's great carmakers.
Great. Just what I need.
A goddamn car salesman.
You know, you're in
a very dignified profession.
People rely upon you
for the last images...
they have of their loved ones,
and this ain't a pretty picture.
Oh, please, I'm trying to bury
a guy, not buy a hearse.
I'm talking a deal.
bucks over invoice.
Dealer invoice?
Come on by tomorrow.
We're having
a one-time-only sale...
of all our luxury vehicles.
I'll customize
anything you want.
I will personally walk you
through every step of the deal.
We'll have your business
back on its feet by Monday...
back from the dead,
you might say.
- Excuse me.
- Sorry.
If I might interrupt...
What are you doing
about my husband?
We've arranged
for a pickup truck.
I did not spend $ ...
to have my Ralph can'ted around
in a pickup truck!
I'll put you out of business.
Or better still,
I'll take you to court.
I'll bury you for this!
- Madam.
- What is it?
My deepest condolences.
May I suggest that we
move your husband along...
as quickly as possible
to his last resting place?
Because, as you can see,
it's a very, very hot day...
and there is
no air conditioning...
so I think we should
get him out of the sun...
as quickly as possible.
Please.
I'll gladly lend a hand.
Please, gentlemen.
Oh, be careful.
This guy needs to go on a diet.
Please, that's the widow, man.
What did she feed the guy?
Life's crazy, isn't it?
Here I am, driving along,
minding my own business...
when opportunity knocks.
Be careful.
All right, get the flowers.
Jesus.
He's in there.
This must be
very stressful for you.
grand for a funeral.
She's got to be well-off.
He'll be all right.
Don't you worry.
This is a nice box.
He must have carried
a big life policy.
Thanks a lot. This isn't
even your funeral.
I do for you, maybe one day
you do for me.
Maybe.
She could use some cheering up
at a time like this...
and people get a lot
of pleasure from a new car.
She'll want to
get on with her life.
Can I?
You can't do this.
You can't sell a widow a car
at her husband's funeral.
People will think that's
a little insensitive.
But most people
think that car salesmen...
are the scum
of the earth, anyway.
May I help you
back to your car?
Thank you.
Your husband must
have been a fine man.
He was a fine man.
A man who took care of you
all of his life.
Never denied you anything.
Nothing.
Ralph denied me nothing.
He was a good provider.
Now that he's gone,
I'm sure he wouldn't want you...
to deny yourself in his absence.
Joey O'Brien, Turgeon Auto.
- What is this?
- My business card.
You're not trying
to sell me a car, are you?
At my husband's funeral?
Before he's even in the ground?
Are you?
You sleaze.
You are the scum of the earth.
Not every sale works out,
but I've got to keep trying...
because you know why?
A lot of them do work out...
and when they do,
I feel great...
because I'm making
someone happy.
It's like I'm making
a friend...
what I like to call
a relationship for life.
I love to sell.
It's pathological, I guess.
At that moment,
that point of sale...
I cannot get any closer
to another human being...
without protection.
A little to the right.
A little to the left.
Good.
...you could drive
the car of your dreams.
Honey.
I'm Big Jack Turgeon...
That was quick!
No, honey.
It's your commercial.
My commercial?
Yeah, babe, look.
There's Dave.
There's Henry.
He's talking, right?
No. He speaks perfect English.
- Who's she?
- That's Molly.
I'm Joey, and I'll put you...
We're closing our doors
after years in one location.
We have got to sell...
It looks very professional.
One day, Sunday!
Frankie.
Joe, come here.
I want to show you something.
What do you think
of that bad boy?
That's really tasteful.
Skulls with death rocks.
Maybe some worms
crawling out of them.
That would really
piss your dad off.
Really?
Good golly, Miss Molly.
You've had the rest,
now have the best.
Joey, I'm with a customer.
You do remember what
a customer looks like?
Jackie, I know I'm late...
but I've been taking
care of business, babe.
I know the kind of business
you're taking care of.
I hustled a new hearse
at a funeral.
Come on, Joey,
don't bullshit me.
This is Jackie
you're talking to.
I'm not bullshitting.
He's coming in tomorrow.
The guy from downtown
is on line one.
Tell him I'll call him later.
God, she just drives me crazy.
Jackie, be a little
more subtle.
She's a married woman.
You don't want to get caught.
Come on. God forgive me.
I just can't help myself.
Hey, who can?
We've got to talk about
the sale tomorrow.
Jackie, I'm ready.
Remember those two guys...
you werert here that day.
Anyway, Dad had
some outside experts...
come by to check our operation.
They recommended
we reduce the sales force...
when we move
to the new location.
How many you going to lose?
Molly's gonna stay
because she sells cars.
Dad's got a big heart,
so maybe one or two others.
What are you talking about?
We're the guys.
We made this place.
Come on, Joey. Read the sign.
Big Jack Turgeon made the place.
He made you. He taught you how
to sell and he made you rich.
You'd still be rich if you
didn't blow it on babes.
I'm having a few problems,
some of them personal.
But I'm working them out.
I'll be back better than ever.
Well, get back by tomorrow
because you've got to...
close a dozen units to make
an impression on the old man.
Otherwise, you're gone.
What are you talking about,
twelve units by tomorrow?
Yeah, today and tomorrow.
Today's dead. No one's
gonna come in today...
if they know they can
get it tomorrow on sale.
Well, I know. Get on
your horse, cowboy.
Well, I know. Get on
your horse, cowboy.
Call all your old clients,
I'll toss you a few leads.
Do whatever you've got to do
to get people in here.
You've got to sell,
sell, sell, Joey.
It would be terrible
if you werert here anymore.
It'd be a total
fucking disaster.
Wake up over there.
Wash my car, will you?
Do a good job for once.
I don't care
who your old man is.
Chopsticks. I'm buying.
I'm not talking
about this bullshit now.
Humor him. We'll make it
like the old days.
Anything can happen.
Look at Russia.
If things don't
work out here...
I can sell Lincolns
in Lithuania.
That's a good idea.
Brought that color
right around, huh?
You stop talking now.
Time to eat.
Helen.
Shu mai pork.
Give me some of those shrimp.
Back off. That's not for you.
That's for better table.
This one's for you.
Three, maybe, huh?
Two. Ain't gonna
buy out that easy.
Three! You big man.
You need to eat a lot.
What, are you
working on commission?
I mean, you'd sell
the soles off your feet.
You shut up.
You no mess with me, OK?
You have any cat today?
No more. Finish,
but this is special for you.
This monkey brain.
Helen, that's not
the monkey's brain.
Look at that. That's
a different part of the monkey.
Stop playing with it.
Now, eat it.
This... the bear's balls.
You shut up. Eat.
Honey. Do it again.
And then he got a car.
You boys talking dirty again?
Mrs. Turgeon wants
you to call her, now.
Wife calls, crack the balls.
Hey, that's my mother, Benny.
You guys want me
to keep treating lunch...
just remember,
you have to sell...
every damn car
on my lot tomorrow...
because if I'm not making,
you're not making.
So let's hear
the company motto.
Nobody gets out alive!
How the hell am I gonna sell
twelve cars by tomorrow?
Twelve cars in one day?
That's impossible.
I don't know.
Maybe it can be done.
Maybe I'm the guy to do it.
What am I doing?
Instead of selling,
I'm going shopping with Joy.
I'm a sick man.
God, why? 'Cause I can't
say no to a woman.
I love 'em.
I got to make them happy.
If they're happy,
I can be happy.
It's not fair that my life
should hang in the balance.
I mean, I've gotta know.
I am not divorcing Harry...
until I know I'll
be taken care of.
I mean, am I wrong?
If I'm wrong, tell me.
- You're wrong.
- Nice piece, isn't it?
- Lovely.
- Gorgeous.
One of my favorites.
Came in on an estate sale.
French art glass,
Gallé. Mid- th century.
Would you like me to price it?
Would you, please?
What's it going to be?
Look what you're buying here.
I'll never be able to do
for you what Harry can.
- I don't have his money.
- What are you saying?
Listen, I've got
family responsibilities.
My mother, a daughter
going to college soon.
You know, you insult me.
I'm not talking about
financial support, you putz!
I'm talking emotional support!
Emotional.
Can you afford that?
bucks.
- You like this?
- I like you.
- Do you want it?
- I want you!
bucks, huh?
So you're saying
someone died...
and you got
this baby real cheap.
You mind showing us the invoice?
I see a lot of
art hanging around...
with what we like
to call dust on it.
You don't make money if you
don't move the inventory.
May I have a moment with you?
You're a salesman first and
then everything else second.
I've got to sell some cars.
Honey, it's just
very embarrassing.
Why is it necessary for you
to try and sell the man a car?
What are you pissed about?
I saved you a grand.
It's not that.
What are you doing?
I thought you quit smoking.
Have a piece of gum instead.
Why do you hate
Harry so much for?
You want to throw
his money away?
I don't hate Harry!
Can I help it if he loves
when I spend his money?
Come on!
I don't make that kind of money.
I know you don't. I'm not
asking you to marry me.
I'm just saying...
shut up!
I will not share you
with other women...
and that includes Tina.
It's green!
What are you
talking about, Tina?
We're divorced.
You know that.
- You still sleep with her.
- I do not sleep with her.
I see her. I have
a daughter with her.
I have to see her
to see my daughter.
If I don't see her,
some other schlub sees her...
and I don't get to see
my daughter at all.
Joy, I hear what you're saying.
I know what you want.
Honey. So let's call Harry and
we'll just get it over with.
There's a pay phone...
Jesus Christ.
I gotta get to work.
I'm gonna lose my goddamn job...
if I don't... what's
your problem?!
Honey, honey!
You get the dog excited.
I didn't mean to.
I'm sorry, darling.
You didn't bond with him.
I'll bond with him very soon.
- Hey, sweetie.
- Darling.
- Baby.
- Moments.
Joey, what are you doing?
It's OK, Mario.
It's my car.
Key. Sorry about that.
Put the cigarette out.
Tony's trying to quit.
Yeah. These things
will kill you.
Oh, God, am I late. I hope
Tony will still see me.
Some people late to see Tony...
end up late
for their own funeral.
Wait, Carmine will bail me out.
Good old Carmine...
Tony's number one man.
Come in, Joey.
- Where's Carmine?
- Hunting accident.
Wait here.
I'll take those.
- There you go, Joey.
- Thanks, Tony.
All right. Let's get
down to business.
What's on your mind?
I was wondering if you
or any of the boys...
are looking for a new car...
because we're having
a sale on Sunday, Ton.
You're having a sale?
Is that what you
came here for, Joey?
I'll tell you what,
I'll pass the word along.
That'd be nice.
You didn't come here
looking for money?
Joey, please, no more money.
Hey, Tony, I'm not asking.
Gs, Joey.
Listen, we go back...
but I am not
your personal banker.
Tony, you've been great to me.
Thank you. Really.
God bless you.
You know, other guys out Gs...
other guys I fix.
Listen to me
and listen carefully.
Don't make me wait too long.
I won't, no.
Don't make me wait too long.
Drink up.
Come here. Salute.
Take it from me, Joey.
As much fun as women are...
they are not won'th
ruining your life over.
Thanks for spreading the word
about the sale.
Not a problem.
Thanks for getting
my kid that weekend job.
Frankie, that lazy shit.
Did you see...
that fucking tattoo
he has on his arm?
Thinks he's gonna be
a rock 'r roll star.
Sometimes I think
he's gonna be a fruit.
Hey, I'll see you.
- We go back, Ton.
- We go back, Joey.
OK, Joey, here are the rules.
No wisecracks, no arguments...
and definitely no fighting
with the wife... ex-wife.
Remember the alimony?
Hey, my paint job's
still holding up.
I get in there, I get her
back in that good mood...
like I used to...
then I take care
of business... car business.
Wait a minute.
Maybe she's seeing somebody.
Why not?
She's a good-looking woman.
Who wouldn't be
attracted to her?
Stayir
Stayir alive
Stayir alive
Ah, ah, ah, ah...
Staying alive
Alive
You're looking good, Tina.
You don't do that, Joey, coming
in here without calling...
without even ringing
the damn bell.
You don't live here, you know.
I just paid for it.
That doesn't
give you the right...
to come in here,
especially when I'm not home.
I don't do that.
Get off it.
I know your smell.
We were married for years.
Get out of my mail.
Excuse me.
What's this, huh?
It's food.
It's vitamins.
These are chemicals.
Lisa needs real food to grow...
- not plant fertilizer.
- She's grown.
Anyway, I cook for her,
she's never here to eat it.
Where the hell is she?
She's that's where she is.
She thinks she's
her own boss...
thinks she doesn't have
to go to school anymore.
What, she's ditching?
You should tell me this stuff.
It's her new friends.
That's what I think.
What kind of friends she got?
Do you know from these friends?
Yeah, some of them.
What, she into drugs,
something like that?
- She needs a father!
- She's got one.
It wouldn't hurt if you
set a little cash aside...
for Lisa's college,
like you keep saying you are.
Tina, I've always
taken care of you.
But I'm living in rooms
as big as your garage, huh?
I'm living like a
fucking cabbage seller...
like my old man.
Because you spend
your money on whores...
instead of your
daughter's education.
My lady friends are not whores!
- So marry one.
- You couldn't afford me to.
'Cause God forbid you might
have to get a real job.
I got a real job!
Catering! Remember?
Come on, Tina. Whipping up
a few cheese logs...
for your friends' parties
ain't a real job.
It was when I cooked for you.
You know what the real
job was? Eating it.
I didn't see you
getting any thinner.
I'm lucky I didn't blow my ass
off after eating your beans!
Do you feel better?
It's true.
How about this, huh?
$ a month for
a college fund for Lisa.
Now do you feel better?
- Terrific, if you do it.
- I promise.
Why'd you come all the way here?
Just to talk to me about Lisa?
I was just driving by.
See you.
Where the hell are you
gonna get bucks a month?
Joey, did you forget
why you came here?
Come on, boy.
Tina, I forgot.
Could you call your brother...
and tell him we're
having a sale tomorrow?
So that's why you came over.
He's got a car.
I'll cut him
a rock-bottom price...
straight to the floor.
I'll make him a deal...
even your tight-ass brother
couldn't refuse.
Why are you selling me?
Come on, do me a favor.
Get him to come down. Please?
I'll talk to him.
Thanks, Tina.
Why'd I ever leave you?
Well, you didn't
leave me, Joey.
I asked you to
leave. Remember why?
Divorce.
There's one woman
in my life, though...
who doesn't ask me for a thing.
She lives for me.
She really does.
Every time I see her,
I feel great.
She really knows
how to take care of me.
You know why, Joey?
That's the most important thing.
Ma, basta on the fagioli, OK?
No more beans. I got a date.
It'll be here
if you want some more.
Joey, why are you so unappy?
I'm not unappy.
I'm just not hungry, OK?
Come on. That's bullshit,
and you know it.
Don't bullshit your ma.
Bullshit the girls,
but don't bullshit your ma.
OK, look. I'm eating, OK?
I'm not jerking you around.
Have you talked to
your daughter lately?
Tina calls, you know?
But Lisa, never.
- I'll talk to her.
- Talk? Joey!
Lisa needs a regular family.
You know, like
you had with Tina.
Come on, Ma.
You couldn't stand Tina.
Now you want us back together?
So I ain't perfect.
- Who is, Ma?
- You are, Joey.
You are my perfect little boy.
Joey's central.
Cars are my life.
How you doing?
Great, Jackie.
Doing great.
I've got four potential sales
in the bag.
Listen, you seeing
someone tonight?
I guess I've earned
a little R and R.
Sure you did.
We all did.
So that means you won't be
using your pad tonight, huh?
Come on, it's Saturday night.
What's Donna going
to tell her old man?
You're pushing
your luck, cowboy.
I know what I'm doing, babe.
Believe me.
- So is that OK?
- Yeah, that's OK.
Mi casa es su casa, amigo.
Gracias, and keep
selling cars, you hear?
We need you at Turgeon.
Don't you worry. The only thing
on my mind is selling cars.
- Joey, don't.
- What?
- You'll mess me up.
- I can't mess you up.
Let's go.
How's your day?
It's been a drag
till I get to you.
Come here.
You want to know
what a drag is, Joey?
A drag is standing on
your feet all day...
That's it.
Spraying goofy-smelling
mousse on people.
Trying to make these old ladies
look like... they...
trying to make 'em look like
they walked off of "Cosmo"...
when they look like they got
hit by the lousy "A" train.
Joey, I cannot find my pumps!
Honey.
Where are my pumps, Joey?
Strawberry slides into home!
Do me something good.
Turn over.
We're playing
mandingo again, huh?
We're going to do your do.
- What?
- Your do!
There's gonna be celebs
there tonight.
There's gonna be
paparazzi there.
So you gotta look special.
You gotta look good.
I got you some clothes.
Special.
I got you some clothes.
Special.
Joey O'Brien, Turgeon Auto.
The Allante should be
a good car for you.
It's computerized,
does miles an hour.
Better than that Rabbit
I saw you drive up in.
miles per hour. Sure.
You gotta be doir this
all the time? Selling?
Sorry.
I can't help it.
Tomorrow we're having a sale.
Tomorrow?
I'll be there.
We've got to get in. There are
fashion people downstairs.
They're always lookir
for new talent.
I'll try, Lila.
Ricky, look in your book.
Lila. L-i-I-a.
I'm on your list.
Under "L."
Shoot here. Shoot this, huh?
Shoot me, I'm Lila.
I'm an up-and-coming designer.
I designed this stuff myself.
- Come on.
- She's gorgeous, huh?
Even a blind man
can tell she's hot.
She's a nobody.
She's nothing.
I take stars.
I take famous people.
This person is nowhere.
I'm not taking her picture.
I'm not wasting the film.
It's nothing personal.
Screw this joker.
You didn't have
to say that to her...
Have a nice life.
You know what you are?
You're an asshalf.
It takes two of you
to make an asshole.
Hey, does this get us in?
You know Mr. Grant?
- You know him?
- All right.
All right. Gorge!
You wanna come in or what?
Gorge, where are you going?
We're in!
I'm not going in there, Joey!
- Will you wait up, Lisa?
- Who's Lisa?
I don't know, Liza. Come on,
what are you saying here?
- You doing a Lisa?
- No, no! Wait!
I know the difference
between Lisa and Lila.
- You said Lisa!
- No, I did not, OK?
I don't know a Lisa.
I'm not doing a Lisa.
The only lisa I know
is the Mona Lisa.
Gorge, come on. You're
the only girl for me.
Come on, Gorge.
Your time's going to come.
I know what I'm talking about.
I don't want to be just
some stupid bimbo, Joey.
Bimbo? You know what a bimbo is?
It's a little elephant
with big ears.
Hey, come on. Listen,
your dos are gonna be...
the hottest thing in
this whole goddamn city.
You really think so?
Really?
Am I a loser?
Gorge, think I'm gonna
waste my time with a loser?
You know what a loser
looks like?
Loser looks like this.
I'd like to see
the Allante, please.
Please show me the Allante.
I love you, Joey.
I really do.
Benny.
Legend, lover, salesman, right?
Take no prisoners today, Ben.
You got it.
What I got to do
this shit for?
Money.
- After you.
- No, apres vous.
He speaks French.
You and me, Moll. It's time
we got something going.
I'm free tonight.
I'd like that, but I'd
rather eat worms and die.
My worm doesn't have a hook.
You know what your problem is?
You're a pig.
And you're a chauvinist,
and you have no
respect for women.
I guess dinner and a blowjob
out of the question.
- I guess.
- We'll forget dinner.
Telephone call
for Joey O'Brien.
- Big day, Joey.
- Almost.
It was right there.
It got away.
- Oh, God. It's Tina.
- Tina, what?
Lisa stayed out all night.
She didn't come home.
- She didn't? All night?
- I don't know where she is.
- You called the police?
- She called from a pay phone.
She called? What did she say?
She said she's with friends.
She's with that prick Louie!
- Joey, come home.
- Listen, I can't.
If I come home, I blow my job.
She's OK. She...
- But look, Joey...
- She's gonna be all right.
If she comes home, call me.
- Joey, I need you...
- OK, Tina? You got it.
That little motherfucker's dead!
How do you do, sir?
Jackie Turgeon. How do you do?
This survey is bullshit.
Who are these experts?
What do they know?
They ever sell cars?
Come on, Benny,
we're the salesmen.
We've got to do
what we do best.
Lie. Cheat. Steal.
Cool it. That's
Donna's old man.
Excuse me.
Donna, come here!
I wanna talk to you!
It's her husband.
Where's Jackie?
Over there doing
some carpet inspection...
on the Mercedes.
Don't look.
Donna! I want to talk to you!
Larry, what the hell
are you doing over here?
So I'm thinking, it's Sunday.
What you got to
work on Sunday for?
I told you.
There's a big sale!
You already worked
half the night!
How many cars you sell
at : in the morning?
Something's going on.
I can feel it.
Nothing's going on.
You're going crazy.
I ain't gonna be
your fool, Donna.
Go home, Larry!
Don't tell me what to do!
I'm going home.
You go inside.
I ain't gonna be your fool.
Jackie, all clear.
Go on, sell some cars, will you?
That was a little close.
Take no prisoners.
Nobody gets out of here alive.
No more, no more,
no more, no more
Hit the road, Little Jack
And don't you come back no more
What you say?
I know about you people.
You're all thieves.
Every time you
open your mouth...
you're gonna cost me money.
I'll do the talking, OK?
What I want, and what
I'm willing to pay.
You think you can
handle that, pal?
Definitely. Hop in.
Perfect fit, huh?
How is that, dear?
Feels good.
It looks great, honey.
Really packed in here.
I don't know.
What don't you know?
I just don't know.
This is a Bends, right?
- Benz.
- Benson?
Not Benson.
Benz.
How long have you
been selling cars?
Just a little while. ye...
- You've got a lot to learn.
- I do?
Let me guess.
You're thinking you can't
afford this car.
Well, $ .
What?
Didrt mean to frighten you.
That's called sticker shock.
You want me to get some oxygen?
Sticker shock? I know
what I can afford.
I just don't know.
I don't know.
You're a hell of
a driver, Mr. Klopstock.
Are you ready to
take this baby home?
I don't know.
We're doing pretty good.
We moved units...
but we can do better,
so I'm gonna allow $ ...
off the buy-back
without prior approval.
Good. Jackie,
how many cars I do?
- Two. Just two.
- Christ, I'll lose my spot.
Benny, day's not over.
It's only : .
It don't matter if I'm gonna
lose my spot. I want to know.
You're not selling
cars standing here.
Hold on.
Joey? Is he there?
- He's here.
- Sign this.
- Doctor's on the phone.
- I can't talk now.
You rat. I'm sorry,
Mr. O'Briers with a customer.
- He's a very busy man.
- We were talking, Jackie.
I told you.
I'm not selling anymore
unless you get me...
a spot at the new place.
Joey, doctor says
it's an emergency.
What kind of emergency?
What kind of emergency?
Perhaps I can help...
This is Joey.
Lila, what?
What kind of emergency?
It's a busy day.
- I need an agent.
- An agent?
What kind of agent?
God damn it, Jackie!
We were talking here.
Stop listening to Joey
on the phone and answer me!
There are no guarantees, OK?
There are no guarantees in life.
What the fuck do you
need a press agent for?
I know. Listen...
It's not like you don't
have something to publicize.
Babe, you've got
a lot to publicize.
Fuck you, Little, and fuck Big!
Fuck 'em big and little!
Little and Big fucking fucks!
Know what I'm saying?
I got the gist, man.
You know what I'm saying, Joey?
God damn it.
No, honey, somebody
learning English.
Fuck you!
Better lighten up
on the caffeine.
- Number seven.
- Tell me the price.
Five grand for three months?
It's not the money, darling,
it's just the fact...
Wait a minute.
You're won'th it.
You're priceless,
babe. You know that.
Seven, Joe. Seven.
Moll, ten. Ten.
Centimeters.
That's cruel.
What? All right, listen.
I've got to get
back out there.
Five grand I've got to make,
and I gotta get it now. Get it?
So many women, so little cash.
Take no prisoners.
Thirty-five years
I've been selling cars.
Now all of a sudden,
I don't know what I'm selling.
What does that say?
"Salesman of the Year. "
Excuse me.
- Can I help you?
- You gave me a card.
Right. Something in black.
The hearse, right?
Sorry. Have a seat.
I'll be right with you.
What am I supposed to do now?
Grow legs like Molly?
I don't know, Ben.
I still wouldn't fuck you.
Sorry to keep you waiting.
You don't look so good.
It's getting to be a long day.
We own fleet of cabs.
Seven years,
we have nineteen taxis.
Twenty.
You're ready to step up
to a prestige luxury car.
We're gonna buy an American car.
Only American.
God bless you, sir. It's gonna
be hard to buy a Russian one.
Let me show you
this American car.
Lincoln Continental.
Do you have any kids?
I have... three kids.
And children.
Three his children
and two our kids.
Put the bad ones in the front
and the good ones in the back.
Real leather in the seat?
Real leather.
Nothing fake in America.
Joey, it's me.
Is she home?
- No, not yet.
- Not yet?
Why don't you try
calling this Louie?
I don't know his last name.
Do you know him?
I don't know his name.
We're not that close.
But if I ever do get
close to him...
he's gonna be wearing
his balls for earrings.
He going to be back or no?
I don't understand.
He selling this car?
I do sound a little tense.
You wanna know why?
I know why.
'Cause my day has been shit,
total shit.
My little girl's missing,
doing God knows what the hell.
I'm gonna lose my job.
I'm up to my ass in hock.
People are asking
money from me.
I've got to sell
seven more cars...
by the end of the day.
Shit. Total shit.
It could not get any worse.
Joey? What? What is it?
Is she there?
Tina, call me
when Lila... Lisa gets home.
Joy, don't do this to me.
I have a previous relationship
with these customers.
- Mr. Salesman, please!
- One moment!
Hello, Mrs. Munchack.
- He likes you.
- I hope. Mr. Munchack.
Joey O'Brien.
I put you in that SL.
My "relationship for life. "
- Nice.
- Has she run well for you?
The car.
She doesn't seem to have
any complaints.
Glad to hear that.
No complaints.
It's been like a dream.
I don't think I've ever loved
anyone... thing more.
It's been a pleasure
to service...
- Mr. Salesman, please!
- One moment, please!
I'll be right with you.
Place can't run without me.
What can I do for you,
Mr. Munshock?
Munchack. I'd like to
get a new car for my wife.
That's what I'm here for.
Let me show you around.
What's it gonna be, Mr. O'Brien?
Are you ready to continue
our relationship for life?
I'm still waiting, Mr. Salesman.
One moment!
Excuse me.
I'm sick of your moment!
Can't you see I've
got two ups at once?
Little's not gonna approve
your deal. Go talk to him.
Your sale's going to walk.
Do anything. Keep him there.
Show him some cleavage, OK?
- Mr. Salesman!
- I'll be right with you.
My wife was thinking
maybe an Allante con...
Shut up!
Black.
Is that what you want, darling?
Yes, honey.
I saw one I really like.
You must know what
I'm talking about.
Mr. O'Brien, can you help us?
Mr. Salesman! This
Washington Continental...
what kind of deal
we going to make?
Cash is OK?
- Mr. O'Brien, please.
- One moment.
- How much in cash?
- American cash?
You accept Chinese?
Joey, get with that guy.
Don't go! We've got a deal.
We had a deal!
He changed every number!
Sit down. Take...
I believe you were serving us.
- Back off!
- Please!
- Mr. Salesman!
- Fuck!
You bastards are gonna die!
You had your good time.
Now you're gonna die!
Get over there!
Move it!
My God! He's going to kill us!
Everybody fucking
against the wall...
or we all fucking die!
Get up! Get out of there!
What are you hiding from?
Are you one of them?
Donna.
Larry!
Are you one of them?
- One what?
- You look like one of them!
What the hell are you doing?
You gone crazy, Larry?
- I want to know, Donna.
- Have you gone crazy?
Tell me! Tell me
who you fucked here.
Why kill everyone?
I gotta know!
Tell me!
What do you want to know?
Everyone!
I fucked them all!
I fuck and fuck and fuck!
Shit! Get up!
Get in there!
Move it!
I'll fucking kill you.
Move it!
Don't shoot me.
All right...
Everybody over there!
Wait! Everybody back.
Everybody hands up!
And make it look like
nothing's happening.
Shut the dog up!
I don't like dogs!
He's just a puppy!
All the women, over there!
Please, I just came to buy...
Shut up!
- My wife!
- Move it!
You're going to
get us all killed!
Shut up!
Get it away from me!
Please don't hurt Chester.
Get it away from me!
Get the dog away from me!
You! Little tough guy
with the tattoo!
You been doir Donna, ain't you?
Answer me, you little shit!
Stick your little toy dick
in there!
I didn't fuck your girlfriend!
She's not my girlfriend!
She's my wife!
Jesus! Don't!
He's just a kid.
What's your problem?
Please... don't shoot!
Stay back!
What is this, Joy?
I'm sorry, Harry.
I didn't mean to...
Joy, you haven't been screwing
the salesmen, have you?
- Shut up!
- Have you?
A little.
Everybody fuckir shut up!
This is my thing, all right?
This is some joint here.
Open season
on everyone's wife, huh?
So you had your
little fun, didn't you?
Please don't kill me!
I don't want to die!
It was me.
You what?
Me and Donna, we...
What are you saying, Joey?
How could you do this?
I hope this guy does kill you!
Shut up!
You shut up even more!
- I'm sorry, sir.
- Thank you.
- I'm doing the talking.
- Right.
So we got one.
Who else did her?
The kid? Who else? Come on!
- Nobody else. It was just me.
- Prove it.
You think I'd
bullshit you about this?
What am I, a retard?
You think I'd bullshit a guy
with an automatic weapon...
loaded and pointed at me?
It's just me.
Nobody else.
Well, what about...
you know, all that stuff
she said?
"I fuck and fuck and fuck. "
She was trying to hurt you.
- Am I dead?
- Move it!
If you hurt my son,
I'll kill you!
Larry, come on!
We were talking!
We were talking here, Lar.
Remember me and Donna?
Right.
How many times
did you do her, man?
What's it matter?
She's dyir over there.
One time? Twenty times?
- Less.
- Ten?
I don't know.
More than ten?
Less than ten?
Look behind me.
I can't talk in front of ladies.
You let the ladies go,
I'll tell you everything.
What do you got
against the ladies?
They never did
anything with Donna.
I don't know they didn't.
You let the ladies go,
we'll talk all night.
You tell me first!
How many times?
I swear I'll kill you!
Go ahead, but you kill me...
you never learn anything
about me and Donna.
Come on. Be a guy.
Let the ladies go, OK?
Come on.
Larry, she's over there.
She's alive.
Look at that, Larry.
- She ain't dead.
- What happened?
The shot just grazed her head.
You ain't killed anybody yet.
Get away from her!
What are you doing?
Nothing. She's hurt, Larry.
She deserves it.
Let me get her
in a chair, OK, Larry?
Put her in a chair.
That's a good idea, Larry.
Get your hands off her!
What happened?
No matter what you hear,
shut up.
- What?
- Yeah, bitch.
Better listen
to your boyfriend.
What?
Listen to what your
boyfriend's saying.
You think I'm
fuckir Joey? Jerk!
- You doing her or not?
- Of course I'm doing her.
I don't know who I'm doing
and who I'm not doing.
Donna, I told him.
Just you and me.
There's nobody else.
Look at that.
See, the bullet
grazed her head.
She doesn't know
what's going on.
- She's got amnesia.
- I got what?
She's got what?
Don't go bullshitting
him, Donna, OK?
I told him everything.
You see the gun?
You lie to him, who knows
what shit will go down.
Trust me on this, Dee.
It's just Joey.
Nobody else.
Oh, shit.
Some crazy dude crashed
right through the door!
- He's got a gun!
- I know. Get down.
I'm gettir the fuck
out of here!
Cops. What am I gonna do?
Larry, you know what you do?
Give up.
Call it a day.
Let's put the gun down.
We go out
and tell the cops...
- a little domestic dispute.
- What you talking about?
Maybe we just let the ladies go.
How 'bout that?
That'd look really good
right now.
That'd buy you a little time.
The cops'd have to deal
with the ladies.
The ladies could tell the cops
you're a no-shit guy.
Shut up!
I'm a no-shit guy!
You ladies get out of here.
You tell the cops
I'm a no-shit guy!
Not you! Sit down!
All right!
He's a no-shit guy!
Hey, quit talking
that French stuff!
Joy, what are you doing?
Get out of here.
Joey, I just love you,
that's all.
Joy, there's
nothing here for you.
I'm sorry. Now go.
It's over.
Come on! Go!
Get out!
You don't deserve this.
I'm sorry. Forgive me.
Get out of here!
Chester! Come here.
Jeez. Where'd you find her?
Sorry, man.
All right!
Everybody move it!
Get it in gear!
Go! Move it!
What the hell
are you doing here?
We're just getting
a shot here.
You're in the line of fire!
Move!
You, inside.
You are surrounded.
You have no hope of escape.
Surrender immediately.
You're surrounded.
You have no hope of escape.
Stay back!
Tell them to stay back
or I'll blow this place...
and half the fucking
block to hell.
He says stay back...
or he'll blow this place
and half the block to hell.
Yeah? With what?
That stuff on my bike.
It's very explosive stuff.
He's got stuff
strapped to his bike.
So what?
So does my little kid.
We want to know what it is.
- M- plastic.
- Plastic?
Plastique?
Oh, shit.
M- plastique.
You tell him
we don't believe him.
Where the hell did he get that?
Jersey.
What does he want?
- What do you want, Lar?
- I don't know.
Come on. Talk to me.
What do you want me
to tell them, Larry?
You don't want me to tell
'em the truth, do you?
'Cause if I tell them the truth,
it's gonna get on the news...
and the whole city will hear
your dirty laundry.
- Do you want that?
- Yeah... I mean, no!
Then what do you
want me to tell 'em?
Tell 'em... I don't know
what I want to tell them.
But don't think
I ain't gonna kill you...
and all these assholes!
I wasrt thinking
anything like that.
We're still waiting
to hear what he wants.
Come on. Let us know
who we're talking to.
He wants to know who you are.
He's talking to the N.Y.P.D.
No shit. He wants
to know your name.
Look at the tag on your chest.
It'll make it easier.
The name is Walters.
Here's the deal.
What's the plan, Larry?
- I told you, I don't know.
- We need a plan.
Tell 'em I don't
wanna talk to 'em.
He doesn't wanna talk to you.
If I did, I wouldn't
talk to 'em out there.
He won't talk to you
out there... or in here.
Actually, I don't
wanna talk at all.
- He doesn't wanna talk at all.
- Tell them to go away.
- Go away.
- What's his name?
Can't he talk for himself?
You don't have to push it
through my back to kill me.
It's a gun.
Bullets come out.
- What's his name?
- You wanna give 'em your name?
If I tell them my name,
they'll know who I am.
Good thinking. Why don't
you make one up?
Like what?
Anything you want.
You're in charge.
How about Smith?
Are you checking into a motel?
Give me a first name.
Chip, like from Charles.
Chip? That's a squirrel's name.
How about Charlie?
Charlie? That's a commie name!
It sounds Chinese.
How about Chuck?
That's an all-American name.
His name's Chuck.
- Tell them to go away.
- Go away!
You're doing good.
Man.
This ain't workir out
the way I thought it would.
You screwed up, like always.
Was I supposed to sit around
while you screw this guy...
and everything else that moves?
What kind of man would I be...
sitting around with
my johnson in my hand?
That's the only
place it's been.
You bitch!
Move in!
We're gonna rush this place!
You guys should get
an apartment in Beirut.
- You'd be a lot happier.
- They're coming!
Larry, come back!
Don't shoot!
Did you see that?
Shit. I hit him!
It's my foot!
You see what I mean?
He always screws things up!
Shut up, bitch!
Get away!
Get up! Come on!
Get down!
He shot a cop.
He hit one!
I hit him.
Larry, what did you do?
- He shot a cop!
- You shot a cop?
He shot a cop in the foot!
Larry, calm down.
You didn't shoot a cop.
You shot a foot, OK?
Just a foot.
Maybe only a shoe.
Turgeon Auto.
I hear you're having a sale.
Did you still have
that blue Allante?
I don't know if we have it.
We have two.
I know it says one day only,
but maybe call back tomorrow.
I'm tied up right now.
I've got to go. Thank you.
Joseph O'Brien is
the most wonderful man.
Joe. Joey. J-o-e-y.
Please get your dog to shut up!
Shut up, you tight-ass!
I have been in a hostage
situation all morning!
My husband's still in there.
Out of the way.
- Can you make a statement?
- Not now.
Come on. Move it.
Sir, you're the owner, right?
You're aware of the situation
across the street, the guns?
We're gonna take
your place over...
for about a half hour tops.
We want to set up a direct
line of communication...
telephone? Direct line
to the dealership, OK?
Are you going to eat?
We'll eat plenty.
Put my phone there.
Wasrt it scary?
It was the scariest thing.
I'm still shaking.
My knees.
Can I get it?
No way, man.
It's the cops.
It may be a customer.
It's a sale day.
I can tell it's the cops!
It's ringing weird!
OK, it's ringing weird.
What are you afraid of?
Cops can't see you
on the phone.
They can't hurt you,
they can't shoot you.
- Let me pick it up.
- No way.
It may be the phone company.
Can I get it?
It's making me nuts!
Let me pick up the phone!
Get it!
Turgeon Auto.
- This is the police.
- It's the cops.
We're talking to Walters
before. Who's this?
Who are you?
I'm Elvis, that's who I am.
I'm back from the dead
and I'm pissed.
I'm Joey O'Brien.
Who are you?
My name is Mason,
Captain Mason.
How you doing in there?
How am I doing? Well,
I started off the day...
I was gonna lose my job.
Now I may lose my life...
and I think I shit myself.
O'Brien, listen.
I understand your position.
Three hon gau.
Do what you have to,
but get this Chuck on the line.
You understand what I'm saying?
I know what you're saying.
We got a new guy here.
His name is Mason.
You should talk to him.
The cop I hit, how's he doing?
- Larry, Chip, Charlie...
- Chuck!
Chuck wants to know
how the cop he hit is.
He's going to be all right.
- He says he'll be all right.
- Thank God.
Now tell me,
what does he want?
He wants to know
what you want, Larry.
I told them already.
I want them to go away.
He wants you to go away.
That's very funny.
What does he want?
He says that's not
on the program.
Well, what am I going to do?
He's a little up in the air.
Can you give him a few minutes?
We'll give him one minute.
What are you talking,
one minute?
We're not under enough
pressure...
without you playing
"Beat the Clock"?
Get real here! This is
a guy who shot a cop.
He only shot him in the foot.
That doesn't mean
he's not dangerous!
You tell him!
Yeah, you start
telling him what to do...
who knows what he'll do to us?
You tell 'em I don't know
what the hell I'll do!
They got the idea, Larry.
We'll give him fifteen minutes.
Thanks, Mason, thank you
very goddamned much!
What an asshole!
Asshole.
God damn it.
You want to drill
a hole in my neck...
- with that fucking gun?
- Sorry.
What's this look all about?
Me? Who?
You, pretty boy.
What?
I bet this guy's
been doing Donna...
behind both our backs.
I really didn't...
I never even...
I didn't touch her, really.
What was the look all about?
Just Joey, I swear to God.
Just... Joey.
Larry, it's time we had
that private talk.
I'll tell you everything.
All right.
You and me.
Let's talk.
Everybody up!
Hurry!
All right. Nobody try
anything funny in here.
Look, I'm sorry I didn't...
Shut up!
Just cigarettes, Lar.
You smoke?
No, I don't.
It's a disgusting habit.
- Put it away.
- I'm trying to quit.
By the looks of things...
it ain't been so good
with you and Donna.
What's it to you, man?
If things were going good,
you wouldn't be doing her.
You think doing her...
is more important than
the happiness of two people?
If I thought there was
happiness at stake...
I wouldn't be doing her.
Right. So why are
you doing it, then?
Hey, didn't know it was
such a big deal...
till you came through
that door, Larry.
Maybe she's doing me because
she wants to get back at you...
for doing somebody else.
Maybe you're doing
everybody in town...
- I don't know that.
- I'm not, man.
Well, you could be.
I mean, you're good-looking.
- But I'm not.
- Maybe you should.
Donna used to always
say how sexy you were.
She said I was sexy?
She didn't say that.
She didn't not say it.
She's a lying bitch whore.
What kind of foundation
for a relationship...
is calling your wife
a lying bitch whore?
She is a lying bitch whore.
She wasrt when you
married her, was she?
I don't think you're
the type of guy...
who'd marry
a lying bitch whore.
I didn't know her too
good when I married her.
That's not good marrying
someone you don't know...
Well, tell me about it.
Love... sucks.
Yeah, but sometimes
it's pretty nice, too.
Shit, is it hot.
What do you do
for a living, Larry?
I'm a mechanic.
I used to fix
airplanes for Eastern...
over at LaGuardia.
That's a good job, Larry,
that's a lot of respon...
I got laid off.
I haven't worked in a year.
Why Donna had to get this job
I don't know.
A mars got to work.
Ain't that the truth, boy.
I think you get
everything from work.
You get money, power,
sexual attraction.
You're saying that
a man without a job...
is like a man without a dick.
Thank you very fucking much.
I'm saying it's in your head.
In my head?
Well, not your head.
It's everybody's head.
Fuck!
A fuckir headache.
Larry, stay calm.
They'll go away.
How do you know?
I know.
See?
You know lots of things.
I know people.
When you sell stuff
for a living...
you get to know people.
I don't know people so good.
Don't push me, God damn it!
There are cockroaches!
I got them all over me!
Get down!
There's cockroaches up here!
Hey, you guys
are really something!
I thought I could trust you!
Frankie, you bastard!
Get him down!
Move!
Excuse me! Joey!
My boyfriend's in there!
He's a hostage!
Officer, you got to help me!
My boyfriend's in there!
He's a hostage!
- You can go.
- Thank you!
Miss?
See what he wants.
I'll have another shrimp boat.
How many? Three?
- One.
- Three. Thank you.
Ring through again.
You want to get that, Joey?
You got it, Lar.
Chuck's hot line.
I'm ringing and ringing
and ringing.
You gotta answer me
when I'm ringing.
What's going on in there?
We're being very patient
with this guy, O'Brien.
You got to get him
to give us something.
My boyfriend is a hostage!
Look, lady, we're doir
the best we can.
We got a phone hookup
into the situation.
Yeah? Good. Thank you.
Joey, look, I...
Get that broad out!
- Shit.
- What?
Get the broad out of here!
I could be of great help to you!
- I'm fucked.
- What?
Attention...
we're coming in.
Mason, stay where you are!
We'll be OK, really.
That's it, we're coming in.
Don't come in yet.
We'll work out something.
All right.
Larry, it's deal time, huh?
You want to take charge?
Cut a couple guys loose.
Give them something.
They all couldn't
have popped Donna.
Some of them just came in
to buy a car today.
Be a guy, Larry...
a no-shit guy.
You.
Gentlemen, if you want to
avail yourselves...
of my services, there's my card.
Pass them out among yourselves.
O'Brien, you got yourself
a free coffin.
That's a hell of a thing
to say to you, ain't it?
What about me?
I'm only a customer...
just come to buy car.
I demand right to go free.
Please, Mr. Larry.
Let me go, please.
I'm just a customer.
Excuse me. I am also a customer.
It's true. They are.
So?
So cut him loose, Lar.
I don't think so. Not him.
Why not me?
He's doing your wife, too,
right?
What difference does that make?
We're in this together.
We're like brothers.
Larry, you can't hold
him responsible...
'cause his wife's
having an affair.
Well, how do you think I feel?
I can't walk out of here
either, can I?
We don't have anything
against each other.
I'll give you something
to let me out.
Say $ .
Gs?
If that's not enough,
tell me what you need.
I'll write you
a check right now.
You think I'm
some kind of idiot?
I wouldn't
cancel it! I swear.
Look at the witnesses
we have!
You don't understand.
If I took your money...
you know what that
would be? Extortion.
I know what that is.
I ain't no extortionist.
What difference? You're
already a kidnapper!
Thank you, Judge Wapner.
Why don't you also describe...
sodomy in prison
while you're at it?
Get him out. He's an asshole.
The asshole stays.
You two guys.
Thanks, Mr. Larry!
Please shoot don't me!
Watch out! He may have
a bomb or something.
I am American citizen!
None of that Russian babble.
Search him.
What's going on?
Stop her!
I couldn't have been
doing your wife.
I just got out of the hospital.
I had prostate surgery.
That's right. He's got...
show 'em your scar...
- It's a cop!
- It's not a cop!
I'm not a cop!
I'm Joey's girl!
She's your girl?
What are you doing here?
Get out of here!
I love you, Joey.
I saw all this
crazy shit on TV.
I had to come down to see you.
You're screwing her,
my wife, and his wife?
How the hell you got time
to make a living?
Joey, what's he talking here?
Joey, is this true?
Come on, Lisa.
Lisa? I knew you was
doir a Lisa.
That's four.
How many girls you got?
- Lisa's my daughter.
- You got a daughter?
You probably got a wife, too!
No wife! Ex! Ex-wife!
He's a busy boy, your Joey.
A very busy boy.
Donna... Tina...
Chuck... Lola...
Lila! L-i-I-a! Lila!
There's an explanation
for all of this.
I got an explanation
for you, Joey.
You're a total shit!
I hate you!
I risked my life for you, Joey!
Get out of here! Go!
You didn't have to say that.
He didn't.
No, man. You didn't
need to do that.
That was mean.
That was really mean.
You all right?
You got a lot of girls.
It's easy for you?
It ain't easy.
It's never easy.
What's your name?
Lila! I'm a designer.
I do 'dos. I do clothes.
I did all these things myself.
I got an entire clothes line
called A La Lila.
My ex-boyfriend is in there.
Are you Joey O'Briers wife?
I'm his ex-wife.
What's going on?
Get out of the way, man!
Move out of the way!
Get out of the way!
Move out of the way!
All right. Stop the car.
It's Mr. Dipino.
His sors a hostage.
Over there.
Look!
Out of the way!
That's my kid in there.
- What's going on?
- You eat?
I'm not here to eat, lady.
Let him in. He's OK.
Hey, back off!
You no work here!
This the restaurant.
He wait outside.
You wait outside
like everybody else.
No eat, no seat.
I'll get it.
Sit down.
Heartbreak Hotel.
- Don't push it.
- It's a joke.
Ask Chuck if he wants anything.
Food, cigarettes, whatever.
What?
N.Y.P.D. Take-out.
You want anything?
Food, cigarettes?
Not right now, thanks.
Your wife wants
to speak to you.
Tina, you're here?
- Who's Tina?
- My ex-wife.
What's she calling here for?
I'm all right. You?
What do you have
to do with this?
Why is he holding you?
I'm in the middle
of a domestic dispute.
Domestic dispute? What?
A man-woman thing, you know?
Does he have a wife?
You were fucking his wife!
I swear to God, Joey!
I almost think
you deserve this!
Maybe I do deserve this.
What about these other guys?
I'll talk to him.
Put him on the phone.
- What?
- I wanna talk to him now.
She wants to talk to you.
What's your name?
Chuck.
Listen, I don't know
if you have a family...
but Joey's got a daughter.
If you ever stop thinking
about yourself long enough...
you think about that.
You think about us.
You think about his family.
She's been out all night.
She might be in trouble.
What's she saying, Larry?
Your daughter, she
might be in trouble.
Louie.
I think you're a prick
and a selfish asshole...
for keeping him in there...
when he ought to be out
here looking for his...
I'm a an asshole
and a selfish prick...
Welcome the club.
For holding you when you ought
to be out looking for her.
I'm sorry.
I didn't know.
You didn't know. It's OK.
Listen, Chuck, Joey's got
a mom and she's real upset.
- Really?
- What's she saying?
Your mom's really upset.
She's watching it on television.
Could you ask Joey
to go give her a buzz?
She wants you
to call your mom.
Tell Joey that I said
he should tell her...
everything's gonna
be all right.
Tell your mom everything's
gonna be all right.
- How old's your mom?
- She's an old broad.
Jesus, Joey!
Calling your mother
an old broad?
You call your wife
a bitch whore.
But she's my wife.
A mother is a mother.
Why should I call my mother?
What am I going to say to her?
"This guy's going to kill me,
but I got a deal on a coffin. "
- Get back.
- Call your mother.
Listen, Tina?
I gotta get off the phone.
I gotta call Ma.
Joey, wait.
- I miss you.
- I miss you, too.
- I really do.
- Bye.
I'm warning you,
this ain't a good idea.
I mean, this and Dad
in one year...
Hello. This is Joey...
Ma? The machine's on.
Probably watching us on TV.
...after the beep.
Ma, pick up!
- Joey, are you all right?
- I'm all right.
You're bullshitting.
Let me talk
to the man holding you.
What?
Put him on!
Put him on now.
She wants to talk to you.
Talk loud.
She's a little deaf.
You asked for this.
Can you hear me?
This is a terrible
thing you've done...
scaring all those people!
Are you listening?
Scaring all those people!
Are you listening?
Well, you listen to me
and you listen good.
I'm an old woman.
He's all I have.
Don't hurt him, you hear me?
All right.
Don't you bullshit an old lady.
Don't you hurt my Joey!
I won't.
Promise me you won't hurt him.
If you don't promise,
you're bullshitting me.
- So you better promise!
- I promise!
Prove to me you're a nice boy.
Promise once more.
I promise.
Let me talk to Joey.
It looks like I'm
not gonna kill you.
Thanks, Ma.
Everything is OK.
I'll see you tomorrow.
That'll be nice. We'll go
find that new place tomorrow.
Maybe we'll have
dinner tomorrow night...
a little pasta fagioli.
That would be great, OK?
Sure. Whatever you want, Joey.
Ma, I gotta go. Ciao.
What are you doing?
You a Catholic?
I'm tired.
You a Catholic, Larry?
What?
If you do that,
you don't get to go to heaven.
You go straight to hell.
Larry, what are you doing?
You're scaring me! Oogie!
Don't call me Oogie!
This is not gonna
get you out of this.
I can get you out of this.
Let me talk to Mason,
let me make a deal.
Let me try something,
see if it sticks.
Let me talk to Mason.
Just give me a second.
That's all I need.
- Get Mason!
- Hang on.
Mason here.
That you, O'Brien?
Listen, if Chuck comes
out of here voluntarily...
doesn't he get a little
special treatment?
We'll give him a limo.
Take him to "The Dating Game. "
Really?
He deserves it, doesn't he?
Don't do that, Larry!
What?
I got it!
It was right there.
A plan.
Not just a plan, Larry.
The plan!
The plan that's going to
get you out of here.
And not just you, you and me.
Because you and me,
we're in this together...
you know what I'm saying?
If you don't get out,
I don't get out.
What kind of plan?
It's a complex plan...
but it's also real simple.
So stay with me, OK, Larry?
Stay with me, 'cause it's got
a lot of different parts.
If you lose one part,
the whole plan can fall apart...
you know what I'm saying?
The first part is...
you let everyone go.
That's good.
- Isn't it?
- What?
Except me. You and me
are in this together.
You let everybody go.
It's the first installment.
Makes 'em think about it.
Come on, Larry,
it gets everything moving.
If you don't like that,
change the plan.
It's our plan.
Make a new plan.
Work with me, Larry.
Not everyone.
Not him and not her.
That's a better plan!
Isn't it?
OK, you guys,
get out of here.
Come on! This way!
Come on! Run!
Do it! Let's go!
Get that guy out of there!
Run!
Good plan.
You made a good decision.
You ready for the second
part of the plan?
Here it comes, second part.
This is where we give 'em
a little incentive.
We're gonna wind Mason up
like a cheap watch. Ready?
You cut Donna loose.
Come on, Larry, you gotta...
No! I let everyone go.
I'm gonna let her go now?
Come on, Larry,
it's part of the plan.
Listen, what are you
gonna do this for?
Why hurt her anymore, right?
You've done enough for one day.
Look, you did that, Larry.
You almost blew
her goddamn head off.
You tried to kill her, OK?
What did she do to you?
Did she try and kill you?
No, she didn't.
She ran around a little on you.
Come on, Larry. Look at her.
What are you keeping her
around here for?
You gotta get it
in proportion, Lar.
Tell you something else, Larry.
She ain't the only woman
in the world.
I know what I'm talking about.
Larry, I don't wanna go.
Now you don't wanna go?
You wanna stay here?
You wanna stay here
and torture the fuck out of me?
Get out of here! Go!
Fuck you!
I love you, Larry, you jerk!
Get her out of there!
Come on.
Shit.
Grab her. Come on!
Let go of me!
What are you doing?
You and Donna have
a special kind of love.
You got a good woman.
Harry, come over here, huh?
Look. Harry, Joe, and Larry,
the pep boys of love.
What's going to happen to me?
I'll tell you
what's going to happen.
You'll need a lot of help
to get you out of this.
No shit, 'cause
you're in pretty deep.
Here's where that help
comes from.
You know what kind of help
I'm talking about, Lar?
Money. Harry's got lots of it.
You ready to give Larry
that kind of help?
I get out of here in one piece,
you've got whatever you want.
- Anything you want.
- I got your word?
Because if you lie to me
and go back on him...
you'll be doing some
East River snorkeling...
- you know what I'm saying?
- You got my word.
How does that sound?
They're gonna come in
if you don't.
Is that a yes?
You with me?
Thanks.
Shake his hand.
You have my word.
I won't abandon you.
I will not abandon you.
- I will never abandon you.
- Testify to that!
Trust me, Larry.
I won't abandon you.
I will not abandon you!
Get out of here!
I will not abandon you.
Hold your fire.
I don't think he's
going to abandon you.
You did it.
We work well together.
I'm glad to be
on your side, Larry.
God, am I glad
to be on your side.
OK, you ready for the final
part of the plan?
The final part.
What's it?
- You give up.
- What?
That's the final part
of the plan? I give up?
What kind of plan is that?
Christ, I just
let everyone go!
It builds to that, Larry.
I'm trying to help.
Turn yourself in.
Does that sound better?
- That's crazy!
- No, you're crazy.
That's what ties
the whole plan together.
You see, Larry?
That ties it together.
You're crazy, Larry.
You were crazy the moment
you passed through that door.
You left sanity
on the other side.
You came into
the twilight zone then...
because you came in here
nuts, crazy,
Loco en cabeza,
you know what I'm saying?
And you know why?
'Cause Donna.
The I-love-you-fuck-you-jerk
Donna makes you nuts.
She makes you crazy.
And it's not just Donna
that makes you crazy.
It's love that
makes you crazy, Larry.
And you know what?
Harry will get you...
one of those
motherfucker lawyers...
one of those lawyers
who got Oliver North off.
One of those guys who can
get off Bernard Goetz...
Hinckley, they'll tell him
that you were crazy.
And Donna didn't just
make you crazy...
love made you crazy, Larry.
Love got you nuts.
He'll tell that to the jury...
he'll go, "Larry
was made nuts by love. "
And what member of the jury...
whether it's a guy
or it's a woman...
who will not say, "Hey,
love does make you crazy. "
Love makes you crazy.
They're going to let you walk.
And I'll tell you
something else, Larry.
I'm gonna be by you
every step of the way.
It's going to be you
and Joey O'Brien.
'Cause I'll get the lawyer,
make sure Harry pays...
and get you out of this...
because your problem
is my problem.
You know what I'm saying?
What do you say, Larry? Deal?
Come on. I haven't steered
you wrong yet, have I?
Be a guy, Larry.
Time to be a guy.
A no-shit guy.
Mason here.
We're coming out
of our own free will.
All right. We'll
play it straight.
Pay, sir. You pay.
He'll pay. Don't worry.
They're coming out.
Walters, they're coming out.
Let me know
when they're at the door.
Stay ready!
They're coming out!
Stay on them!
Stay awake!
Prizzi, Tony!
Watch that opening.
They're coming out!
It's gonna be all right,
gonna be OK.
Lar, why don't you
put the gun down now?
No. Everybody's
out there watching.
If I come out without a gun,
they'll think I'm a wimp.
I don't want to be a wimp.
Larry, no way you're
going to be a wimp.
Lose the gun, huh?
They won't respect
me without a gun.
- They're cops.
- Larry, they're cops.
They're gonna be real nervous
if you come out with...
Well, they got guns.
Makes me nervous.
Larry, come on.
Look, hey...
I don't have a gun,
it's gonna make me nervous.
Now come on, lose the gun.
Larry, please.
For me, please.
I tell you what I'll do.
I'll take the bullets out.
That's a very nice
gesture. Thanks.
I don't want you to get hurt.
You're like... a friend.
Thanks for thinking about me.
But if you really don't
want me to get hurt...
- you'd lose the gun.
- I'm not losing the gun.
- Can I have the bullets?
- Why?
Souvenir. A little memento.
It's empty.
Forty-eight hun gao I had?
Forty-eight!
I had a shrimp boat.
He had a shrimp boat.
He had a shrimp boat.
I didn't see no hun gao.
I think you trickster maybe!
He had a shrimp boat!
I'm gonna call the police.
You're going to call the police?
Give me a divorce!
You'll get it! At least
if you're with somebody...
have a man
with his own business.
Do you want a divorce?
Tell me, what do you want?
I want to go to Florida.
All right. Let's go.
Joey, thanks for talking to me.
Thanks for simplifying
my love life.
Let's go, huh?
They got TV cameras out there.
We gotta dress up a little.
We can't come out
looking like this.
"Live at five," you know?
Jacket.
It's a sale day.
I ain't walking out
looking like this.
Let us get through
to take care of her.
I think we should get you
to the hospital.
I'm not leaving as long
as my husband's in there.
- Just keep calm.
- Hey, get out!
This is not hun gao.
That doesn't say hun gao.
You don't know
how to read Chinese!
Well, that doesn't say hun gao!
Hold on.
This doesn't look
like a no-shit guy.
How am I doing here?
There you go. That's it.
All right. Here goes nothing.
Right, especially in that gun.
I better keep this to your head.
That looks crazy.
They're stopped at the door.
They're coming out!
Let's go.
Where you going?
Come back here!
Wait.
You've got an empty gun there.
This is crazy.
Right. That's the plan.
I'm crazy.
Right. When we get out there...
I want you to drop the
gun when I tell you, OK?
- Keep the gun pointed at me.
- Why?
Better me than at the cops.
You ready, Lar?
We're coming out!
Don't shoot!
That stuff you've got
strapped to your bike...
it's safe?
It's OK.
If a cop gets blown up
trying to defuse it...
our plars down the toilet.
It's OK.
It ain't real.
What? You're saying
all that stuff...
about buying plastique
in Jersey, that's bullshit?
This is just
my TV remote control.
That's pretty funny, Larry.
Let's go, Larry.
You are crazy.
What am I talking about?
Get back!
Stay with me, Larry.
Come on, Larry.
You're doing good.
Stay with me. Come on.
You're doing good.
Get back!
Oh, shit.
I'm ordering you...
release your captive!
Keep up with me, Larry.
Drop the gun, Larry!
No! Don't shoot!
It ain't loaded!
I got the bullets! It's
just a TV channel changer!
There's no bomb!
Stay down!
- What happened?
- Shut up!
I got the bullets!
What are you, nuts?
Let him go!
I'm Captain Mason.
You're Mason?
You lying sack of shit!
- What?
- You lying motherfucker!
Get back!
I talked him down
and hid the bullets!
- You have Stockholm Syndrome!
- What are you talking about?
It's when you start feeling
sorry for your captor!
The guy had a gun and a bomb!
- It was a TV channel changer!
- He could have hurt you!
Move it!
Get the stretcher.
Come on, let's go!
Give these guys some room!
We'll take it from here.
Thank you, Joey.
Thank you for everything.
I'm never gonna
forget you for this.
I want you to know,
you got a job for life.
Not just me, OK?
Benny, Henry, the whole gang.
- We'll take Henry, but...
- I'm through negotiating!
You got it!
Thanks for taking care
of my kid.
- He told me what you did.
- It was nothing, Tony.
Well, that's what
you owe me, Joey. Nothing!
- Let's go!
- Move!
What happened?
You're gonna be OK!
I'll see you through
every goddamn step.
You hear me, Larry?
Joey, you OK?
I'm OK.
You're crazy, Larry.
He's crazy!
Get him out of here.
I never did Donna.
What?
Let her through.
It's his wife.
Come on, get out of my way!
- Go!
- Let's go!
You got it.
Just let me find her, OK?
You got it.
Let's get out of here.
Where's Lisa?
I don't know.
- Where the hell's your daughter?
- Now she's my daughter.
According to the court order
she is!
What are you yelling
at me for?
I don't know.
Come here, you.
Looks like we missed
all the fun.
What are we gonna tell them?
We? I ain't talking to them.
I'm gonna be in big trouble.
You better leave.
No problem. I'm going.
The underwear
goes on the inside.
Come here, Lisa.
I miss this.
You sure you don't want me
to drive you home?
You don't get back
in the driver's seat that easy.
You feel like giving...
an old car salesman
a second chance?
I'll tell you what.
Come over to the house
for supper tomorrow.
We'll cook up some of that
old baloney of yours...
and see how it goes down.
- Bye-bye.
- See you, Dad.
Joey, no more hanky-panky.
You go straight home.
Benny, I'm out of here.
Thanks, man. Thanks for
coming through for us.
That's our new motto...
everybody gets out alive.
Monday, huh?
Hi-ho, Silver!
You want a deal,
you give me a call.
I think you know
the number, right?
Thanks, O'Brien.
You got it.
God, I love to sell.