Voila! Finally, the Calamity Jane
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Doris Day movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Calamity Jane. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
The Deadwood stage!
Make mine sarsaparilla.
It ain't so funny.
Any excitement on this trip, Calam?
Excitement! Why, I got more arrows
in the back...
...of that coach
than a porcupine's got stickers!
Seemed like the whole Sioux nation.
- Hey, where is that sarsaparilla?
- Here you are, Calam.
No, please. Don't. Don't!
Is there a woman in here?
No, sir. Just Indians.
Where is my actress?
Without warning, down they come out
of them hills howling like souls in torment.
There must have been of them.
It weren't no laughing matter.
Sure, it wasn't. I'd hate to have
a war party that big on my tail!
You know, Bill, except for me...
...you're the only other galoot in the world
could have brought that coach in.
Of course,
it called for some mighty rapid shooting.
My gun got so hot,
I had to sit with my legs stretched out...
...holding the muzzle of my gun
between my feet to keep it from curling up.
I must have killed at least of them
before they got discouraged.
I've got to see to the horses.
How many of them Injuns
you reckon I shot, Rattlesnake?
About I reckon, Calam.
That's better. Next time I tell a story,
keep your hands in your pockets...
...you toothless old buffalo!
Come and get them.
Who wants cigarettes? Just came in
on the stage. A dollar a pack.
Look at them, snapping at those cigarettes
like a bunch of silk-gloved dudes.
- Another dying Robert E. Lee.
- I got General Grant.
- Queen Victoria.
- Carnsarn boat again.
I've got her!
I'll give you $ for it.
I wouldn't take $
because I'm keeping her close to my heart.
- What you suppose is getting into them?
- It's Adelaid, Calamity. Adelaid.
What's an Adelaid?
She's a hope. A dream. A vision.
You see her carved on the prow
of an ancient ship...
...in the dying embers of the camp fire.
Circe, Aphrodite, Helen of Troy.
In this case, it's Adelaid Adams.
All that in a pack of cigarettes?
Beautiful, ain't she?
She's got nothing on but her underwear!
Them is tights, Calam.
She is a great actress, so they tell me.
She's charming, a lovely figure,
everything a woman ought to be.
She looks like a fat,
frilled-up side of undressed beef to me.
I could look the same.
Except I've got ideas about modesty.
It ain't one man wouldn't ride miles
just for one glimpse of Miss Adams.
You, maybe.
Some of that scum around here.
But a gentleman wouldn't look twice
at such a picture.
A gentleman like Lt. Gilmartin?
Yes, now that you mention it.
Like Lt. Gilmartin.
You're kind of stuck on him, ain't you?
Ain't saying until he does.
Where's he been, anyway?
I thought he'd be here to meet the stage.
He's on duty at the Fort, I guess.
Last time I saw him was a week ago.
He came in to buy a pack
of them cigarettes.
Mr. Miller, please.
Nobody pays any attention to me.
Why should they?
But, Mr. Miller, you're expecting me.
I'm Francis Fryer.
Where is my actress?
The one who wrote me the letter
about my ad in the Chicago newspaper?
I hired her.
She's supposed to be here. Look.
I'm advertising her.
Well, that's me.
You're her?
No, I'm not her. You see, I'm...
Look. "'Francis Fryer."'
You're Francis Fryer?
You deceived me. You're fired.
No, you're not fired.
I've got to have somebody.
I'm ruined.
I advertised an actress. When that crowd
sees you tonight, they'll lynch me.
Go hide in my office.
Tell us all about it.
What happened? Who got you?
Indians. War party.
There were five of us: Two surveyors
and a lieutenant from the Fort.
They jumped us at Eagle Pass.
They killed the surveyors
and the lieutenant.
- What lieutenant?
- Gilmartin, his name was.
- They got Danny Gilmartin?
- They got him, all right. The others, too.
The rotten savages!
How did they get him? Quick?
Clean? In the heart?
- I reckon. Or in the head.
- Maybe both.
Don't you know?
They got him plenty.
They got him quick and fast.
His horse went down.
He died right where he fell.
Didn't you go back and find out for sure?
How could we? They chased us
for miles, showering us with arrows.
You left him, didn't you?
You never went back to see if
he was dead or alive.
You slab-sided, white-bellied coyotes.
You left Danny
like I wouldn't leave a hurt dog!
- Calam, where are you going?
- To get Danny.
Let's go!
- Are you all right?
- Yeah. Just untie me.
Get on that horse.
Why do we have to ride the same horse?
We could've grabbed an Indian pony.
It's cozier this way.
What happened then, Calam?
I give him a bullet
right between the eyeballs.
Then me and Danny lit out,
two more of them coming after us.
I shot them both. Didn't I, Danny?
- Why... Well...
- You killed four of them?
- That's all there were.
- You're the girl to do it, too.
What's the matter with you?
Don't you believe me?
Sure.
Only, with you killing off
them redskins so fast...
...I was wondering why the government
even bothered to send the army.
Are you calling me a liar again?
Why don't you ever fix your hair?
Adelaid Adams! I got her! Look!
I didn't save you for no other female.
Gentlemen and... Gentlemen.
In keeping with the policy
of the Golden Garter...
...which strives to bring to Deadwood
the best in entertainment...
...regardless of the expense...
...it is my great pleasure
to present to you now...
...that lovely star, that toast of New York,
Miss Frances Fryer!
- Come on. Get out there.
- Lf I go on as a woman, they'll murder me.
If you don't, they'll murder you.
And me, too. Now, get out there.
- Do you see what I see?
- She ain't very good-looking.
That ain't all she ain't.
Miller is in for it now.
Please, I can explain. I may have made
a mistake about his gender...
...but not his talent. He's a great actor.
He's wonderful. If you'd give us a chance.
I'll make it up to you.
You'll have a good time.
Gosh, Bill, they're all walking out of here.
This will ruin Millie.
- Do something.
- Do what?
Listen to me!
Listen to me, you mangy groundhogs!
This ain't no way to treat Millie.
You wouldn't have a theater without him.
Can't a man make a mistake in this town?
We ain't suckers. He promised us
a New York actress. Look what we got!
- You got what he got!
- We don't want it. No, we don't want it!
Wait a minute!
He knows how disappointed you are.
Give him a chance and he'll make it up.
- Won't you, Millie?
- Sure. Anything.
He fooled us once, and he'll fool us again.
Millie won't do nothing for us.
He will. He'll get you an actress prettier
than the one you expected.
- Why, he's written for her already.
- What actress? Who's he going to get?
A big one. A plum big one.
Who, Calam? Tell us who!
We'd like to know who she is.
Adelaid Adams, that's who!
It sounds too good to be true,
but it better be.
You've got Calamity Jane's word on it.
Get back to your tables, you coyotes.
Enjoy the show!
I'll make this all up to you.
Adelaid Adams is in Chicago.
She wouldn't be caught dead in this town.
I think I'll take a long walk
off a short precipice.
Look, I figure...
My death warrant, she signed.
Adelaid Adams.
If you'd only promised them
any other actress.
- I don't know no other actress.
- That's why they call her "'Calamity."'
Listen, you two-bit gambler...
...I didn't see you come up with an idea
when the chips were down!
At least you've still got a theater.
What stops you getting this Adelaid?
This joint's the biggest goldmine
in Deadwood. You can afford it.
- Why don't you send for her?
- Why don't I send for the Queen of Sheba?
No good. They want Adelaid.
Look, nothing is impossible for Calamity.
Didn't she save the stage
from savage Injuns?
Didn't she rescue her pretty lieutenant
from a fate worse than death?
Besides, she gave the boys her word
that Adelaid would be here.
Calamity's word is sacred.
Bill.
- You really have that much faith in me?
- Who knows you better than me?
You think I could go to Chicago
and bring Adelaid Adams back here?
You gave your word, and I trust that.
About as much as I do a blind rattlesnake
with a brand new button on his tail.
Hey, wait a minute.
- You no good four-flushing...
- You talk too much.
The night Adelaid steps on that stage,
I'll come dressed as a Sioux squaw...
...lugging a papoose.
I'll bring her, Bill Hickok,
if I have to drag her back with my teeth!
Look out, Adelaid Adams. Rattlesnake!
Salary's no object.
Promise her anything, but bring her.
I've got the cigarette picture, I'll find her.
- Calam, do me a favor.
- What?
When you're in Chicago, notice the women,
how they act and what they wear.
Get yourself
some female clothes and fixings.
You know, dresses, ribbons,
perfume, things like that.
- Lf you don't like how I smell...
- It's nothing personal.
If you ever crawled out of that deer hide
and dolled up a bit...
...I got a hunch
you'd be a passable, pretty gal.
Save your hunches for females who get
their pictures taken in long underwear.
I ain't one of them.
Come on. Get this schooner rolling.
Scalps.
A massacre.
Drop it, you murdering copperhead.
I'll be hornswoggled.
They love you, Miss Adams.
Shouldn't you take another bow?
It's your last night.
I'm gratefully aware of that.
See that the trunks are packed,
and my costumes...
Get rid of those awful things.
Sell them or do something.
I'll make you a present of them.
I'll buy a whole new wardrobe.
London, Vienna, Paris.
How different from this primitive Chicago.
These past few weeks
have been a dreadful bore.
How can you say that, Miss Adams?
They have been glorious.
If I could be on the stage for one minute,
to see all those people looking up at me...
...listening, admiring...
Like looking into the pens at the stockyard.
Hurry up, Katie.
We mustn't keep Mr. Kingsley waiting.
Maybe some day I will be on the stage.
Not a grand, beautiful star like you,
Miss Adams.
Just to sing a song maybe.
I can dance and sing a little.
Of course you can. I've heard you.
Very nice for choirs and weddings, but...
...I doubt that your voice would
ever carry beyond the footlights.
There, now. How do I look?
Beautiful, Miss Adams. Just beautiful.
Even if I never sang alone,
if I were only in the chorus...
...couldn't you suggest it
to somebody sometime?
You're not serious, Katie. Not really?
My dear, it isn't just your voice.
You other equipment is hardly adequate.
Maybe I'll send for you when I get to Paris.
Good night, darling.
Good night.
What is it, ma'am? Where's the varmint?
Who are you?
My name is Canary, Miss Adams,
most folks call me Calamity.
I came from Deadwood City to see you
and talk you into going back with me.
Gosh almighty,
you're the prettiest thing I've ever seen.
I've never known a woman
could look like that.
- How do you hold that dress up there?
- Please!
- I have to change clothes. Do you mind?
- Helping you? Why, sure.
I've plugged men for less than that.
If you don't get out of here this instant,
Mr. Canary...
...or Mr. Calamity,
or whatever your name is...
Mister?
Why, I ain't no mister.
- You're a woman?
- Of course, I'm a woman.
You thought I was a man?
Come to think of it, that ain't so funny.
I'm sorry. But those clothes,
the gun and everything...
I reckon I do look a mite strange
to a lady like you.
I guess I ain't much to look at.
But there ain't a woman I can't out-ride
or out-shoot or...
Everybody can't have a figure
like Adelaid Adams.
That's a matter of opinion.
In the opinion of Deadwood City,
there ain't no other opinion.
Now, let's get down to business.
I'd like to hire you
to come and sing in Deadwood.
Me?
I got a lot of nerve asking you, I know.
Deadwood City ain't no Chicago...
...and the Golden Garter
ain't no grand theater like this one...
...but they want you mighty bad,
and I promised them you'd come.
Name your own salary.
Well, the salary isn't important. It's just...
Me?
Every prospector in the territory
is chewing himself sick with tobacco...
...just to get a picture of you.
Tell Deadwood, Miss Adams is sorry,
but she's going to Europe.
Couldn't you put that off until
after you played Deadwood?
Sure, I could, but...
Maybe I could.
It's ridiculous. I couldn't.
Is this the only picture
they have of me in Deadwood?
- The cigarette picture?
- I reckon so, ma'am.
Where is Deadwood?
Dakota Territory. Out in the Black Hills.
- Indians?
- Sioux tribe.
But you needn't worry about Injuns
when you travel with Calamity Jane.
Do trains go there?
Not for the last miles.
- But the stage is comfortable.
- No telegraph?
No.
If you want to send a letter,
there's a dispatcher...
If I refused, you'd poke that gun in my back
and march me to the railroad station.
- Well, now...
- I'm at your mercy. Come help me pack.
I got a strange feeling
someone is being hustled.
Come on, you redskin naked heathens!
Run up here and get your one-way ticket
to the happy hunting grounds!
Come on, catch us! And catch that!
And that!
Get the steam up in them horses.
Are you comfortable in there, Miss Adams?
Well, it's all over.
I told you, you had nothing to worry about.
Not when you're riding with Calamity.
Miss Adams, you all right?
Miss Adams.
Calamity's back,
and she brought Adelaid Adams.
Quiet! Listen to me!
All right,
you mangy pack of dirt-scratching beetles.
I promised you Adelaid Adams,
and I brought her.
Quiet! Wait a minute!
Everybody stand back.
Let's give her a real Deadwood welcome.
Throw them bags down, Rattlesnake.
- Your servant, ma'am, Bill Hickok.
- Wild Bill Hickok?
If I am, you could tame me, ma'am.
Lieutenant Daniel Gilmartin, Miss Adams.
Yours to command.
Thank you.
This way, Miss Adams.
Miss Adams, you are here.
I'm unworthy. My theater is unworthy.
But you're a true artist. You are here.
Yes, I'm here.
Miss Adams, permit me to introduce
a fellow thespian, also from the East.
Mr. Francis Fryer.
How do you do, Mr. Fryer?
Fryer. Don't I know you from somewhere?
We played St. Louis
the same week last year.
At different theaters, of course.
How nice to see you again.
Shall we go inside, Miss Adams?
Calam, you did it!
I could shoot myself with happiness.
Maybe I should shoot myself
for bringing her.
Miss Adams, I'll show you to your room.
Finest room in the house.
Had it specially decorated.
Thank you.
Gentlemen.
- Congratulations, Calamity.
- Only Calamity could do it!
I bet if she went after Sitting Bull
she'd bring him back, too.
Did you see the show?
Did you see Miss Adams work?
What is it like in the big city?
Boys,
Chicago's the biggest noise in Illinois!
Listen.
Hurry up. This isn't just any night.
This is Adelaid Adams' night.
Hear that crowd!
You've got to know. I've got to tell you.
That girl, she's...
Oh, never mind.
Millie, that Adelaid Adams, she isn't...
I mean, she's...
What's the use if she is or if she isn't?
She's got to be.
Because if she isn't, that crowd...
We'll all be...
I'll have two fast horses waiting
at the stage entrance.
Why? I'm not going anywhere.
Actors are crazy people.
Scared, aren't you, Katie Brown?
You thought it was smart
posing as Adelaid Adams.
You'd like to run like mad, wouldn't you?
Catch a train, get out of this crazy town.
But you can't. You're trapped.
There is no train.
Oh, clever, clever you.
- Five minutes, Miss Adams.
- I'll be ready.
Five minutes, and look at you.
You haven't even got a face.
Gentlemen and... Gentlemen.
The great moment has finally arrived.
There are no words to describe the beauty
of the lady you are about to meet.
No melody as sweet as the voice
you are about to hear.
Gosh almighty, it's Bill Hickok!
Ain't he gorgeous?
Wild Bill Hickok, sweetheart of the Sioux!
Where are the rest of your kids,
Pocahontas?
Here, take him.
Thanks. Everybody get out of here.
All right. That's enough, do you hear?
Bill Hickok!
The funniest sight I've ever seen.
Calamity, please! He's mad.
Don't break up the show!
All right, Calam. I paid my debt.
The next man that laughs
is going to get his head ventilated.
Calam, please! Miss Adams is waiting.
The one and only, Miss Adelaid Adams!
Go on out there
and give them everything, Katie.
Katie?
- She don't look much like her pictures.
- She's prettier.
What's the matter with her?
She didn't sing like that in Chicago.
Where's your voice, Adelaid?
You leave it in Chicago?
- That's the great Adelaid Adams?
- The poor, foolish kid.
Sing out, Adelaid, like you did in Chicago!
I can't. I'm not Adelaid Adams!
You're not...
She's joshing.
Of course she's Adelaid Adams.
I brought her myself, didn't I?
I ought to know. "'Not Adelaid Adams."'
Don't joke like that, Adelaid.
These galoots ain't got no sense of humor.
It's not a joke. I wish it were.
Please don't be angry with me.
I know I shouldn't have done it, but...
Let's get this straight.
You say you're not Adelaid Adams?
No, ma'am. Sir.
I'm Katie Brown.
Katie Brown?
Calamity!
You were Adelaid Adams in Chicago,
in her dressing room.
I was her maid.
She gave me her costumes.
She was going to Europe,
and I wanted so badly to be on the stage.
- Calamity framed it.
- Yeah, bringing in Adelaid's maid.
She ought to be run out of town.
Fellows, listen.
What's Adelaid Adams to us, anyhow?
If this is a double-cross...
...you can double-cross me like this
every day of the week.
I didn't know. I thought she was Adelaid.
I'm just as surprised as you are.
So help me, Bill, I can't understand.
Please don't blame Calamity.
She didn't know. She didn't!
I fooled her just as I tried to fool you.
It's all my fault.
I thought I could make you like me.
Don't let her bull-nose you.
She ain't getting away with it this time.
There, now. That's better.
Ain't you ashamed of yourselves,
treating a lady this way?
All right, so she ain't Adelaid Adams.
She made off she was
because she wanted to be an actress.
And she thought maybe
we'd give her that chance.
What's wrong with that, anyhow?
We're all here on the same ticket.
You all came here to Deadwood
looking for something...
...you couldn't find anywhere else.
You're all looking for that pot of gold,
and Katie here ain't no different!
Well, what have you got to say?
Are you going to grouch about a picture,
or are you going to give a real live...
...and pretty young lady
a chance to prove she belongs here?
It's up to you.
- As long as she's up there, let her sing.
- All right, give her a chance.
What do we've got to lose?
That's all we want to hear.
Let her rip, Katie Brown.
Give it all you got. Do it your own way.
Play.
She is great! Deadwood doesn't need
no imported actress. We roll our own!
Let me loose!
Let me loose! Quit it, Bill Hickok.
So help me, I'll shoot your ears off.
Quit it, I say. Let me loose!
You hear what I say? Let me out of this!
Bill Hickok, I'll get you,
if it's the last thing I do. Let me down!
You no-good sneaking sidewinder.
Let me down out of here.
Adelaid Adams?
And me in this squaw getup.
You've got the biggest mouth
in the whole Dakota Territory.
You flap-eared varmint, let me down!
You dirty, mangy, mole-legged,
miserable son of a slinking coyote!
Let me down out of here!
Flap your wings, Calam, you can fly!
Let me down!
I'll get you for this.
Here we go.
You're leaving already, Miss Brown?
You only opened last night.
I'm sorry.
I was hoping to get better acquainted.
Getting better acquainted with him
is like making a pet out of a polecat.
I think that would be very nice, Mr. Hickok.
It ain't likely I'll turn up in Chicago.
Chicago? I'm not going to Chicago.
You're not? Where are you going?
It ain't none of your business, squaw man.
I'm moving into Calamity's cabin with her.
- You're what?
- I brought her, and I'm responsible for her.
- What's the matter with the hotel?
- Nothing.
There aren't many women in town...
...and Calamity had the idea
we should live together...
...and sort of chaperone each other.
You chaperone Calam? And she...
This ought to be interesting.
We're mighty glad you approve.
And, Mr. Hickok,
please feel free to drop in any time.
Thank you kindly, ma'am.
Feel it, but don't try it!
- Come on in, Bill, I'll get you a drink.
- No thanks.
If I felt any higher, I'd be flying!
Harry, come here.
I want you to do something for me.
Well, there she sets. Just where I left her.
I won that cabin
from a Kansas fellow in a poker game.
A week before he died of lead poisoning.
Bill was in that game.
He lost everything but his fillings.
- Let me help you down.
- Thank you.
Do you dislike Mr. Hickok
as much as you pretend to?
Dislike Bill? Me and Bill are thicker
than flies in a Pawnee camp.
We're like the seven-year itch
to each other, but it's fun scratching.
That Bill Hickok is about the best friend
I ever had.
Of course, my sparky taste...
That kind of runs to blue uniforms
and shiny buttons.
- Like second lieutenants wear?
- Like second...
...lieutenants wear.
Make yourself right at home.
Be careful.
You and me will batch it here
as cozy as two bugs in a blanket.
Excuse me.
I reckon it needs a little airing around here.
Ain't used the place much,
it's too lonesome.
I like to bunk out in the open
under a wagon or something.
I know one thing we'll have plenty of:
Home cooking.
Just hand me a sack of flour
and bacon grease...
Looks like we're out of water.
It's right handy though,
I get it from the creek down there.
That's one good thing about this place.
No, I guess there's nothing good about it.
I'm sorry, Katie.
- It will be all right, Calam. Fine.
- No, it won't.
It ain't fit for a dog, let alone a lady.
I didn't know it till you came in here.
Just like I didn't know how far
from being a lady I was till I saw you...
...in that dressing room in Chicago.
What do I know about nice things?
I ain't never had any.
Come on, I'll drive you back to the hotel.
I'm staying right here.
In this rat's nest?
We can fix it. Make it real nice.
All it needs is a woman's touch.
A woman's touch?
It's up to me? I'll bet $ .
Howdy, Lieutenant. Care to take a hand?
Not now, thanks. You see...
...l'm looking for...
No, not now.
It's up to you, Bill. Call or fold?
- Where are you going?
- The same place the Lieutenant's going.
Only I'm going to be there first.
All right, all right, I've got ears.
I'm coming.
- I'd like to see Miss Brown.
- You and every other rooster in town.
She's not staying here.
She moved in with Calamity.
Maybe I'd better have a sign painted.
With Calamity?
Where are you going, Calam?
Herb Potter's got tick fever,
he's at his cabin by himself.
He needs some doing for him.
No shoes?
I can't wear shoes across the creek.
Bill.
- Hello, Katie.
- Lieutenant.
Say, that's a right smart harness
you're wearing.
You just keep on getting prettier and...
- Here.
- They're very nice. Calamity loves flowers.
- The Lieutenant never calls without them.
- Wait.
I brought them for...
Where is Calamity?
Up the hill visiting a sick prospector.
Won't you come in?
That's Calam,
just can't resist a distress signal.
- This ain't Calam's cabin.
- It sure doesn't look like it.
We fixed it up a little.
Sit down and I'll make you some tea.
It won't take me long.
Say, Lieutenant,
don't they need you back at the Fort?
They'll manage.
I thought you had a poker game going.
There's always a poker game going.
With the Cheyennes on the war path,
folks would feel a heap safer...
...if you soldiers didn't gallivant around
so much, wasting taxpayer's money.
Nice of you to think of the taxpayers,
after the money you cost them in funerals.
Oh, dear.
I'm all out of wood.
I'll have to go out and chop some.
- I'll do it.
- Here, let me.
- I hate to trouble you, Bill.
- No trouble at all, ma'am.
Katie.
It was very thoughtful of you
and Mr. Hickok to look in on us.
Deadwood is that kind of a nice town.
I mean, everyone's so friendly and nice.
After the fool I made of myself
the other night...
...the way they forgave me
and let me go on.
Anyone could forgive you anything, Katie.
Not anything, Lieutenant.
And not Calamity.
I don't know what idea you have
about Calamity and me, but...
It's not my idea, it's hers.
She's in love with you.
But that's ridiculous.
We're friends, good friends.
She even saved my life.
- But you can't believe that I and she...
- I like Calamity, Lieutenant.
She's been very good to me.
I would no more think of coming between
her and the man she loves...
The man she loves? Katie, I swear...
Fancy that, it was there all the time.
Danny, believe me...
- Here we are. It didn't take long, did it?
- Not long enough.
The shawl, it fell...
Let's have tea.
They've got a new commander at the Fort,
General Stark. He says he knows you.
Yes, I served under him in Virginia
during the war.
They're having a ball in his honor
Saturday night. I thought you...
I've been invited myself.
I kind of hoped you'd go with me, Katie.
She is going with me.
It's customary, Lieutenant,
to let the lady choose for herself.
- Couldn't the four of us go together?
- What four of us?
Well, you, Bill, me, and Calamity.
Calamity?
She's been invited, too,
and if she doesn't go, I won't either.
She's been expecting you to ask her,
Lieutenant.
Me? Why me? I told you how I...
That's a right smart arrangement.
Settles everything.
Calam goes with the lieutenant,
and you go with me.
Over my dead body.
Get a little respect in your voice
when you talk about Calam...
...or it might just be that way.
- She's a mighty fine girl.
- Girl?
- You should be proud to take her.
- You would be, wouldn't you?
I sure would.
Wait! I ain't gonna be stampeded
into no fast shuffle!
I know what you're thinking, both of you.
Calamity's fine on top a stagecoach
or behind an oxtail...
...but not lady enough for social
appearances with distinguished gentlemen.
Well, she ain't beautiful.
Calamity's not beautiful? You boys
have a big surprise in store for you.
There's only one way to settle this,
and that's to draw straws.
The long straw gets Katie,
and the loser takes Calam.
Is that all right with you, Katie?
Draw, Lieutenant.
I won!
- I'll have the prettiest girl at the ball.
- Don't bet on it.
Bill, keep your eyes on that door.
Calamity!
I fell in that dangblasted creek!
Gosh almighty, look who's here.
What brought you
to this neck of the woods?
Injun trouble?
They came to ask you to go to the ball.
Both of you?
That's plum flattering.
- Only I can't go with both of you.
- It's all right. We drew straws.
You did? Who won?
I did, Calam.
You did? Well, that's fine, Bill.
That's mighty fine.
Ain't no one I'd rather tag along with.
Try to get yourself cleaned up by Saturday,
and I'll call for you.
I heard tell it'll be a plumb fancy affair.
Soldiers in dress uniforms,
ladies in fancy gowns.
I've never been to a big shindig like that.
I reckon I'll burst my corset strings
in the pride of just being asked.
I'll fix you some tea.
Danny.
Ask Katie to go, Danny.
I know you want to take me, but ask her.
Do it for me, Danny, please.
You're quite a lady, Calamity.
- Did you have to wear that old army coat?
- Old coat?
It was Custer's, Bill.
He gave it to me himself.
If it's good enough for Custer,
it ought to be good enough for Fort Scully.
This ain't no scalping expedition
against Sitting Bull. We're going to a ball.
I know it. We sure got a night for it,
ain't we, Bill?
Don't it thrill you just to look at them hills?
It sure does.
No wonder the Injuns
fight so fierce to hang on to this country.
That can't be Calamity.
Why, she's beautiful!
What happened to her?
Save one for me, Miss Calamity.
Wait a minute, fellows.
I can't get all your names on this here card.
I can't even spell most of them.
That's all I got room for.
What you need is a bigger card!
Calamity has been holding out on us,
carrying concealed weapons.
How come all these galoots
want to dance with me?
At that shindig at Hogan's stable,
none of them came around.
- I didn't know.
- I spent the night chatting with the mules.
That's what I've been telling you,
that you'd look better in a dress.
Do I, Danny?
You're an absolute vision, Calamity.
Calamity, is this dance open?
Well, I'm kind of saving this one.
Come on, Calam.
Danny hasn't even asked me for a dance.
I know.
Katie and him are thicker than molasses.
Bill, look there.
He's taking her out in the garden.
Katie, darling.
Danny, we shouldn't.
I love you, Katie.
I...
What about Calamity?
Calamity can be your bridesmaid.
Calam, wait.
- Where are you going?
- Home.
I brought her here. Me.
All the way from Chicago.
Just to make love to Danny.
This town ain't big enough for me
and that man-rustling petticoat!
It ain't that serious.
People always act silly at these sociables.
You saw them out in that garden.
They weren't acting!
- Give me that gun.
- Stand clear, Bill Hickok.
I don't see her anywhere, Danny.
You're the only person in the world
who'd worry about Calamity.
Bridesmaid?
- Are you all right?
- Yes, I'm all right.
She's nothing but a miserable,
two-timing claim jumper.
Help me get out of this dangblasted thing!
Well, stand still.
I even took her in my own cabin
because I figured she'd need protection.
Like a weasel in a hencoop,
she needs protection!
Throw that in
with the rest of her man-traps.
And that! And that!
I bet it wasn't the first time
she kissed him.
I bet it's been going on all the time.
Here, in my own cabin.
Gosh almighty, I'm dumb!
If you have to blame somebody,
blame that pretty-boy lieutenant of yours.
It seems to me
he was on the other end of the kissing.
She charmed him hog-eyed.
Look at these. Pure silk!
I'll bet her mother spun them!
Take them to her!
Tell her to keep out of my sight!
So help me, Bill, if I ever see her again...
...l'll put a bullet smack in the middle
of that pretty face!
In both of them!
- Sarsaparilla.
- Calam, where have you been?
Katie said to tell you if you come in,
she'd like to see you.
She's going to see me. Right now.
There's going to be trouble.
What do you want, Calamity?
There's a stage leaving at noon tomorrow.
Be on it!
Are you threatening me?
I'm warning you.
What is it? What's going on?
Calamity just warned Katie
to get out of town.
Buck, lend me a gun.
Calamity.
Hold up your glass.
What's the matter? Are you afraid?
Katie's done it!
Imagine Katie making a shot like that!
- Where are you going, Calam? Come here.
- Leave me be.
- Get in that buggy.
- Let go of me!
Get in there or I'll knock you senseless,
if you had any sense.
I've seen you do lots of crazy things...
...but this is the first time
I've seen you make a fool of yourself.
Sit down and listen.
You're a fake, Calam.
You dress, talk, write and shoot like a man,
but you think like a female!
Like a green-eyed, snarling,
spitting female.
Katie beat you twice, out of your man and
out of the respect you had around here.
And you helped her!
I did, too.
She didn't shoot the glass out of
your hand, I did. You needed a lesson.
Who are you to tell people who to love?
Suppose you did scare her out of town,
would that get your lieutenant back?
Would that stop Katie from loving him,
or him her?
That's female thinking.
He'd bring her back,
and they would both hate you.
You had to lose tonight, Calam,
or you'd never win again.
Go on, bawl. Admit you're a female.
Have your hysterics, get them over with.
You'll feel better.
I was so plumb crazy about him.
I know. I felt the same way about her.
You mean, you're in love with Katie?
It's funny, ain't it?
Bill, I'm sorry. I didn't know.
That's all right.
It'll take some time, but I'll get over it.
You will, too.
- No, I won't. Not Danny.
- Yes, you will.
All I've done for months
is dream about him.
About getting married,
and building a cabin...
...and having young'uns.
I know it sounds silly, I guess, but...
...Bill, I really wanted all those things.
I was kind of hankering for them myself.
There'll never be another man like him.
Not for me. Not ever.
It ain't going to be easy
getting her out of my system either.
She was so beautiful and...
What ever happened to that lieutenant
you were telling me about?
I never heard of him.
Howdy, Flanagan.
How's the claim panning out?
The way she acted,
no wonder nobody will talk to her.
I hope she don't speak to me.
I hate to insult women.
Howdy, fellows. 'Morning, Billy.
- Howdy, Francis.
- Hello, Calamity.
Have you seen Bill around?
He and Colorado
are out working their claim.
How come they are taking down
them signs?
Katie's not here anymore.
Where is she?
Has she been hurt? Is she sick?
Tell me, Francis, where is she?
On her way back to Chicago.
Chicago?
You warned her to get out of town,
didn't you? Well, she got.
But I didn't mean it! I was loco.
I didn't want her to go.
That's what I came to tell her.
You're late. The stage left a half hour ago.
The town is going to miss that kid.
I didn't think she'd go, I swear it.
She wasn't scared. She shot back at me.
Why would she go away? Why?
Because she's a lady, Calamity.
She's not mean and selfish, and never
learned to wreck people's lives like...
Like me. Say it!
I don't have to say it. She left this note.
It says everything. Listen.
"'Dear Danny: Calamity loves you and..."'
- But, I don't!
- Shut up and listen!
"'Calamity loves you
and you probably love her.
"'I had no right to come between you.
I love you both, and want you to be happy.
"'Pretend it was Adelaid Adams
who came to Deadwood.
"'Katie Brown never existed.
She doesn't know. Goodbye, Danny."'
Never existed?
She was the most real person
in Deadwood.
Put them signs back up.
I'm bring that stage back here!
Calam, where are you going?
Come on!
I don't know what kind of life you'll have
living with that catamount...
...but it ain't gonna be dull.
That's for dang sure.
Rattlesnake!
Rattlesnake, stop!
Why don't you stop when I yell?
I thought you was Injuns.
Katie, I'm going to get married!
Congratulations.
Rattlesnake, stop this coach!
But I'm going to be Mrs. Hickok.
Bill? But I thought you loved Danny.
That's female thinking.
Nothing will get you into more trouble.
Well, where are we heading,
Chicago or back to Deadwood?
Deadwood, Calam. Home!
Females! Pure females!
What's this for?