Voila! Finally, the Calendar Girls
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Helen Mirren, Julie
Walters, Ciaran Hinds, yadda yadda. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Calendar Girls. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
So, ladies, straight to the high point
of our meeting, our guest speaker.
I'm very pleased to welcome
Alan Rathbone from York,
who's gonna be giving us a talk
on the history of the Milk Marketing Board.
Thank you, Alan.
Good evening,
ladies of the Women's Institute.
Ladies, I'd like to welcome
Iris Benton from llkley.
She's come to lead us
through the fascinating world of rugs.
I beg your pardon, Iris. I stand corrected.
It's not just rugs. It's all forms of carpeting.
Thank God. For a minute there
I thought it was going to be dull.
Thank you, Iris.
Our round-the-world cruise
started in September in Skipton,
when we booked the tickets.
That's them. They were a special offer
and it was essential, my wife told me,
to book them before the th of the month.
Thank you.
I don't know about you, ladies,
but can I just say, Pauline,
I had no idea that broccoli
could be so intriguing.
Thank you.
Now then, ladies, can I have
a volunteer to draw the raffle?
- No.
- Yes.
- No.
- All right, I'll ask him.
- Volunteer your own husband.
- Yeah, right.
What's Rod going to talk to the WI about?
Yeah, exactly.
That's exactly what John'd say.
- What the hell am I gonna speak about?
- John, I don't care.
Whatever it is is gonna be better
than the bloody history of the cauliflower
or whatever it is we've got next week.
- One seedling...
- Annie, tell him.
John, the whole point of the WI is...
- Are you listening to me?
- Annie, what is the point of the WI?
Enlightenment, fun and friendship.
Well, there, you see.
It's right. It's them things.
In my case, you did it cos
your mother asked you, then she died...
- You love it.
- One seed in each pot.
You're bloody useless, you are.
Look. Is it all right like that?
I've done the Harman wedding,
but the carnation table fronts
need to be done
for that conference in Guiseley.
Good Lord. Nagging lilies.
And I couldn't find the order form.
I thought,
after your fantastic reorganisation,
all the order forms
had to go on the bent nail.
Are you going upstairs
to do your homework?
I'm not bothered.
No worries.
Jem?
Mum.
Oh, you... Shoo!
You beggar! Go on!
He's a little devil is that crow.
He'll have all them seedlings
if we don't do something.
Something we need
to have a little... a little chat about.
- Annie...
- Don't leave me.
You great... Hey, come here.
I'm not leaving you. You soft girl.
At least, I bloody hope not.
You know, what kind is it he's got?
He says he's gonna call it
Saddam Hussein.
You should have told us.
I'm your oldest friend.
You should have told me
the moment you found out.
I did.
No big hoo-ha, though, OK?
lt'll just make it easier for him to get back
to normal when he gets out, you know,
and the tests are clear and...
and everything.
Entries for the home and craft
competition to the WI tent immediately.
- What are they? Hell's Angels?
- Sort of. They're morris dancers.
- We'll see you back at the tents.
- All right. See you later. Yeah.
- Garden in a plant pot.
- Done that.
- Straightest courgette.
- Done.
Most creative thing done with an egg.
Then we've done everything. Come on.
Look at 'em. High Gill WI.
Let's arrange our cakes
round an old cartwheel.
- Does look pretty, though.
- Whose side are you on, Brutus?
- No, I didn't mean...
- What's your event, by the way?
Tea tray on an international theme.
I did Jamaica, but it could be
anywhere in the Caribbean.
If more people did WI, there'd be
half the need for hallucinogenic drugs.
Good, Ruth. International tea tray.
Victoria sponge...
Annie's on victoria sponge.
- Summat for under a pound...
- Kathy.
Kathy. That's it. Where's that?
What's that?
Annie won't have had time, running
Yul Brynner in and out of Skipton General,
so ta-da!
I'm sorry. It just took a bit long...
Oh, my God, the cake.
- Told you.
- It's all right. Chris has saved the day.
- You baked that?
- I'm not a total dead loss as a woman.
I can't knit or make plum jam,
but I can bake a bloody victoria sponge.
- Thank you.
- Course, I didn't actually bake this.
- I got it from Marks & Spencer's.
- What?!
- The point is...
- You can't enter a cake you've bought.
Get off! It doesn't matter
where it comes from, does it?
This is about putting up
a united front against High Gill.
This isn't bakery.
It's Zulu.
Are you ready?
Will the parents of the young lad
in the Spider-Man T-shirt
please meet him under the gorilla.
Now, excitement in the main tent,
where the WI judging's begun.
- Aye aye.
- Jury's back.
Ladies and gentlemen, the winner
of this year's May Wilkinson trophy
for victoria sponge,
maximum -inch diameter,
I'm pleased to say is entry number .
- Nice knowing you, Chris.
- Help me!
That's interesting.
Entered by Knapely WI
and baked by Chris Harper.
- Very, very well done. It's a beautiful cake.
- Thanks. Thanks very much.
And I'm proud to say this cake also wins
the judges' discretionary award.
It was really beautiful.
Thank you.
Listen, I never normally ask this.
The lightness of that sponge.
Is there a trick, a technique,
how you got that?
Uh, well...
Well, I basically stuck to
me mother's advice about cake baking.
Yes.
Which is line the bowl with butter.
Always use a warm spoon.
And if it's a special event,
get it at Marks & Spencer's.
Throw the cake at 'em.
Are you throwing my cake?
That is disrespectful.
- This is very good.
- Of course it's good.
They don't give the May Wilkinson
out lightly, you know.
In fact, I'm going to be asked
to do a master class at the WI.
- That'll be interesting.
- Wasn't I supposed to do one?
Something? Yeah. For the WI.
Or don't you want that any more?
I'll tell you what, if you want me to do it,
you'd better get it in quick.
Go.
- Kiss.
- They're on "arrows of desire".
- You can't go to llkley without a kiss.
- I go every Thursday.
It's not an overseas posting.
Kiss.
Firstly, how else could we start
than by congratulating Chris
on not only winning the May Wilkinson
but also the judges' discretionary ribbon.
I'm so pleased.
Now, the next item
on the agenda is the calendar.
Last year we had views of local bridges,
so this year I thought we could
go for the most beautiful views of...
- George Clooney.
...the churches of Wharfedale.
fully clothed
and a little "lift the flap" for December.
Chris?
- No, nothing.
- She said George Clooney.
No. No, Marie.
I'm fine, you know, with whatever.
Churches of Wharfedale it is, then.
It should be bloody George Clooney.
Burnsall Church or George Clooney -
I know which I'd rather wake up looking at.
It is a Norman church, you know.
I'm not disputing
the loveliness of the church.
It's the firmness of the buttocks
I'm worried about.
Careful. You'll pull your drip out.
Anyway, let's face it,
hate to be a revolutionary,
it might actually sell a few copies.
Yeah, the WI posing-pouch calendar.
- Flesh sells, I tell ya.
- Yeah.
Right, decided.
So where do we get a photographer?
Art college. It's full of charlatans
who prostitute their talent for money.
- Is it?
- Yeah. Lawrence was telling me.
Hey, you wanna see
this kid's photographs.
Don't go on about them.
He's taking some of me sunflowers,
to see how they're getting on.
It's not your photographer, it's your models.
Professional models cost a bloody bomb.
I'll model for you for nowt.
No, thanks. I've just seen your backside
and, believe me, it's not like George's.
There you go.
This bloody settee. They're gonna need
another relatives' room,
for the relatives of the relatives who got
injured on the settee in the relatives' room.
So, did you talk to the specialist?
John seems chirpier to me today.
What's the old...
- Pneumonia and septicaemia.
- That's good. I've heard of those.
They can deal with those, can't they?
It means his immune system's weakened.
The chemo isn't working.
Which means we're finally out of straws.
Don't you go buying any benches.
Do what the hell I like, John Clarke.
If you put a bench out here,
it'll have "Leeds stuffed Arsenal" on it
before you get back to the car.
Come on.
I've written me speech.
- WI.
- Right.
I did it about me job.
And all this.
You read it to me.
Flowers of Yorkshire
are like the women of Yorkshire.
Every stage of their growth
is more beautiful than the last.
But the last phase...
is always the most glorious.
Then very quickly they all go to seed.
Cheeky beggar.
A while ago, I asked John Clarke
to give us a talk here at Knapely WI.
Annie asked me to read it to you
here tonight, and this is what he wrote.
"The flowers of Yorkshire
are like the women of Yorkshire."
"Every stage of their growth
has its own beauty,
but the last phase
is always the most glorious."
"Then very quickly they all go to seed."
"Which makes it ironic my favourite flower
isn't even indigenous to the British Isles,
let alone Yorkshire."
"I don't think there's anything on this planet
that more trumpets life than the sunflower."
"For me, that's because
of the reason behind its name."
"Not because it looks like the sun
but because it follows the sun."
"During the course of the day,
the head tracks the journey
of the sun across the sky."
"A satellite dish for sunshine."
"Wherever light is, no matter how weak,
these flowers will find it."
"And that's such an admirable thing."
"And such a lesson in life."
You ran into a gate? How'd you do that?
You what?
He does a paper round.
It pays for his elocution lessons.
Yeah, well, he's bent these good-style.
It'll be quid that, love.
I have to have it.
Mum?
Ted, would you mind if I borrowed this?
Moving gently into the locust.
And then we have...
the lion.
I have to admit I'm concerned about
our great leader's grasp of t'ai chi.
And into the llama.
- Llama?
- Are there llamas in China?
OK?
Are you all looking in the right direction?
- See you later, girls!
- Bye, love!
Bye.
How's Annie?
How can we help, do you think?
Are you doing anything
tomorrow afternoon?
It is, I'm telling ya.
Girls laughing's a good sign.
It's a top sign, I tell ya.
Bloody hell,
if you're in with Debbie Nolan,
not bein' unsound here,
but she has got the most fantastic tits.
She has got fine mangoes.
Actually, not mangoes. I don't imagine
they'd be hard like mangoes.
Maybe plums.
Ripe plums. You know, big, ripe plums.
No, what am I saying?
No, not plums. Balloons!
That's it. That's exactly what they're like.
A pair of balloons you find behind
your settee three days after a party.
Gaz, will you stop talking about tits?
Why would I ever wanna do that?
Well, I think it's a great idea.
- You weren't concentrating, were you?
- I was.
We're going to raise money for
the hospital, to buy a sofa in John's name.
By posing for a nude calendar.
Oh, no.
Sit down. I'm not asking you
to straddle a Harley-Davidson.
It's still a bit of a leap
from Burnsall Church.
Yes, but that's the whole point. You see,
like, it's an alternative calendar. It's...
- It's what John suggested.
- Did he?
"The last stage of the flower
is the most glorious."
So what this calendar would be saying
is "Yes, John, actually. We agree."
With respect, I didn't hear him
use the phrase "whip your bras off".
It's £ in the leather, that sofa.
Can I remind you how much
last year's calendar raised?
£ . .
- Are you havin' it?
- We're havin' it, all right.
Come on.
Yeah, we'll get back to you, thank you.
She's...
I don't know. She's being weird.
Normal weird, or weird weird?
- She found this.
- You're kidding? Big Bazookas?
- I saw her looking at it.
- God, I bet she went off her head.
My mum did when she found
me Rubber Housewives.
It's a difficult age.
Round about now,
women go through a difficult age,
when they get all irrational and odd
and difficult to predict.
- How do you know?
- Me dad told me.
- Right.
- No.
I've got to go, anyway.
Eddie's getting back from llkley.
Nobody's going to see anything,
I promise you. You take the picture.
I'm not quite sure how to...
- Not yet. Wait.
- You've just taken one of the table.
Won't sell a lot of calendars, will it?
It's that one.
- But it's very sensitive.
- Right.
Can anyone see my nipples?
- You bloody would if it were your mum.
- Look, what's she done?
Flicked through one jazz mag
and looked at a mucky calendar.
That doesn't make her a lesbian.
Hi, Jem.
Your mother's just...
Just go on upstairs with your friend, OK?
- How was llkley?
- Hey, what are you doing up?
- How'd it go?
- You know.
They're not a scintillating lot,
carpet dealers.
They only get excited
about bonded underlay.
- Coming to bed?
- Aye, in a bit.
Just having a wind-down.
I don't want
announcements of redundancies...
I've come for my photos.
Can't find my little receipt thingy.
The name's Har...
Here they are. It's £ . please.
Thank you.
Keep the penny. Thank you.
- I'm surprised they printed it.
- It's probably on the Internet by now.
By the sound of it,
most people have seen it already.
For God's sake. I mean,
lots of people have their photos taken
with their tops off
on holiday in lbiza, don't they?
I think it just probably
came as a slight shock,
what with the previous photos
being of flower arrangements.
I've screwed up a-bloody-gain,
haven't I? Yet a-bloody-gain.
Whoa.
Look, what we have to
ask ourselves here is this.
What is the difference
between this and the Venus de Milo?
I love quizzes.
- The cooker?
- Celia.
Both feature women
with their breasts exposed.
What makes one a work of art?
I think the answer to that's
very simple. An artist.
She's clever.
An artist.
She's lovely.
A lovely light you've used on the face there.
Got her eyes, didn't he?
And all those curls.
Lovely.
So, have you photographed
many humans, or is it mainly...
It is mainly poodles.
The blood represents globalisation
and the sheep's skull
is the death of democracy.
- And the carrot?
- The carrot is capitalism.
Mainly orchids. I'm particularly
interested in woodland orchids.
And butterflies.
I love photographing native butterflies.
What exactly is your project?
Hello, ladies.
You'll be all right.
This is crazy. He won't remember.
He must see thousands of people
come through here every day.
Mrs Clarke? John's wife?
Hiya.
Hiya.
Are you serious?
You've got women in Skipton who are
all committed to doin' a nude photo shoot?
- Well, technically we haven't got .
- Yes.
So long as we can find
the right photographer.
We've found the right photographer.
Are you going to commit to it?
You are?
Sorry.
Don't think of it as naked, Cora.
It's not naked. It's nude.
Annie, I am years old.
So if I'm not gonna
get 'em out now, when am I?
It's the whole showing-your-breasts issue
that concerns me.
I think the whole point
is that we don't properly.
I know. That's what concerns me.
- Yours are good, are they?
- They're tremendous.
Jessie, we're getting to the point now
where we really need to commit.
- Now, I know...
- No front bottoms.
What?
I'm in, just as long as it's no front bottoms.
That's a sight I've reserved
for just one man in my life.
- Do you think your husband'll mind?
- It wasn't my husband.
- Course you've got a body worth lookin' at.
- Just look at that parking!
Ruth.
Doesn't it annoy you
when people take two spaces?
Look, none of us
have got a body worth looking at.
No, well, that's not...
We're not all Chrises in this life.
Some of us are Ruths.
I'm sorry.
Ruth.
Right, I did a bit of thinking
about this calendar.
I think there's a trick
we could play here.
At first glance, it should look like
your classic WI calendar.
You know, all your jams,
cakes, sewing and all that.
You know, everything you'd expect.
Except for one tiny thing.
The person doing it is naked.
It's perfect, Lawrence. Really, it's perfect.
A different girl for every month
in a different guise.
Painting, press.
Until December, when I thought we could
do a group photo of you all together,
you know, singin' a Christmas carol.
With little hats on, like Father Christmas.
There's just one small problem.
The photographer's a man.
The point is we won't
actually be showing anything.
In the photos. I imagine a considerable
amount will be on display in the room.
That's a point.
He'll have to be in the room
to take the photos.
- With us naked!
- Well, nude.
Listen, an art photographer
doesn't see a naked woman.
- He sees a life model.
- Yes, the nudity isn't important.
Easy to say
when you've got your knickers on.
He'll be looking at us as an artist.
- I've heard that one before.
- Have you?
- He's not that kind of bloke.
- I've heard that one before an' all!
Where is he?
Lawrence?
I mean, have you any idea how intimidating
it is to come in here in front of you lot?
How much it's taken
that young man to do that?
Sorry.
Course we're not gonna go round
parading ourselves in a room full of men.
This isn't France, for God's sake.
Lawrence will set up the photo,
leave the room,
dressing gowns come off,
and one of us will click the shutter.
Right.
Lawrence?
I think these girls got something
to say to you.
- Sorry.
- Sorry, Lawrence.
Right. Has anyone any activities planned
we might want to seek approval for
at National Conference?
It's always wise.
We wouldn't want to do anything
without National Committee approval,
not with Knapely being such a proud WI,
with an unblemished reputation,
where it would take only one small act
by a few rogue individuals
to ruin a reputation
that we've spent all these years...
All right.
Look, we're plannin'
a calendar for John, everyone.
Yeah, it's to raise money
to buy something for the relatives' room
in Knapely General.
- And?
- And with us on it.
One for each month.
And?
Well...
- That's about it, really...
- Naked!
- Naked?
- Not naked. Nude.
- What's the difference?
- Art.
And seein' Marie's raised the issue,
we're a good few months short.
Is that not because all this has the air
of another one of Chris's great ideas?
Like the vodka-tasting night.
No. Because I'm going to make sure
this one turns out OK, Marie.
Because it's for John.
It was inspired by John,
and it's for John, and it's because of John.
And no matter what you might think
of the idea, Marie, you're lookin' at January.
February.
March.
April!
Chris, do we have to make
any special preparations?
No. These pictures
are going to be us, girls, as we come.
- Oh, God.
- Grey hair, cellulite, the lot.
Remember, "The last phase
is the most glorious!"
Do you have any pictures of Rene Russo?
Thanks.
- A week?
- I know.
It's a client. He does...
you know this new chain of hotels?
Northern summat?
Shall I come?
- What?
- Save your sanity, love.
You know, it's carpets.
If I raced dragsters,
there might be summat worth watching.
I wanted to play next Wednesday,
but I've got a bloody board meeting.
Darling, come on!
- Your ball's over there.
- I'm coming, Frank.
T minus two hours.
Bras off to avoid strap marks.
As we speak, darling. As we speak.
Darling? Come on!
Good girl.
- We're going to go.
- We're going to go.
- That's the decision.
- That's the decision.
We're going to go
and tell them we're not going to do it.
In. Quick!
You have to realise I've never appeared
nude in front of anyone in my life.
- Not even Frank?
- Frank's a major.
We approach nudity
on a strictly need-to-know basis.
None of us have been here before, love.
I mean, for God's sake, my John didn't
see me naked until the spring of .
What happened in the spring of ' ?
There was a lizard
in the shower block at Abergele.
Quite a few people
saw me naked that morning.
That's not fair.
Right.
- Shit or bust.
- Shit or bust.
- Right, Lawrence.
- Ready when you are.
They'll never go through with it.
- It's a tool of the trade.
- Ladies, just bring the lamp up a bit.
- Raise the lamp for me.
- No, don't touch that.
Right.
Annie? Chris?
Can you just clear frame for me?
OK, Celia, just lean in
toward t'camera a little bit.
Right. Enough?
Perfect.
OK. Ready.
OK.
Lawrence, we're going to need
considerably bigger buns.
Weren't the buns flat?
No! Don't mess with the buns!
I like them like this. They cover more.
No, don't touch the composition!
- But, Lawrence, were the top buns flat?
- They're flat!
Yeah, but flat for us or flat for her?
Don't touch the buns.
Please.
Sorry.
Bad girl.
Bun toucher.
- She's got to look relaxed.
- I am bloody relaxed.
- And she's gotta smile.
- I am smiling!
No, not too much. I want it enigmatic.
She looks like she's seen
somebody she knows in the distance.
Left side up a little. Your right side down
a little. And the middle section sort of...
For God's sake,
get bloody Botticelli in here.
Lawrence. Get in here.
Chin down to your left.
You look beautiful, Celia.
OK.
We're away.
I used to be in a band in the ' s.
One day...
Thank you.
Come on, Sugden.
It's your own time you're wasting.
I was his junior school teacher.
Jessie! What did I say about relaxing him?
What did she say about relaxing him?
Cup of tea, girls?
There's no E flat in "Jerusalem".
I'll be disappointed
if they look at me fingers.
All right?
Are you doing this one?
- What's your name?
- Ruth.
I'm Lawrence. Photographer.
One minute.
- Lawrence? Lawrence, who's next?
- Ruth.
Ruth?
Ruth? No, wait. Lawrence!
Right. Let's do it.
Could I have, well,
you know, some privacy?
Off!
# We wish you a Merry Christmas
and a Happy New Year
Congratulations. It's a calendar.
Yes. Black and white with just one colour.
I don't know. .
.
No, copies.
So how much would that be?
Thank you. Get back to you.
- It's never that much.
- It bloody is.
We're looking for sponsorship,
and my husband always
used your products, you see.
He worked for the National Park.
- John Clarke?
- Yes, that's right.
He died of leukaemia.
- Aye, I know. I'm sorry.
- Thank you.
What do you need sponsorship for?
We're getting there. But the sunflower
needs to leap out at you. More yellow.
- Quiet! Look, you can't all be July.
- It's my birthday in July.
My divorce came through in March.
I'd like to be September.
Marie.
I'm not disturbing you, am I?
I was just passing.
I bought... They're nothing much.
Marie, they're lovely. Come on in.
I never felt I really knew John.
He worked for the National Park, didn't he?
- I just wanted to say, if there's anything...
- These are beautiful. Are they gerberas?
Gorgeous.
You should get away for a bit. Have
a holiday. You know, get out of Knapely.
- You trying to get rid of me?
- No. I just...
- I feel I have to say something, Annie.
- More tea?
No.
I do know how difficult
things must be for you at the moment,
how you must be feeling.
Do you? Oh, dear.
Do you think John would have
approved of this, Annie? Really?
You didn't know John, you say?
No, but I know that he was a good man,
a decent man.
If your concern is
for the reputation of Knapely WI...
- No, that's not what I'm saying.
- Well, I think it is.
The WI is about doing good.
And I think we have to ask ourselves
what does more good -
knowing slightly more about broccoli
one week than we did the last
or providing some comfort for someone
in the worst hours of their life?
Because that's what it's like, sweetheart.
And, no, I don't think
you do know how I feel.
Annie!
Result!
Oh, hello, Marie.
Sorry, were you...?
I don't know. Marie, had you finished?
You wanna put a penny in with those.
They last longer.
Chris.
- What was that about?
- Don't ask. What's the result?
- I've got us a sponsor.
- What?
...to the old farts at Carmichael's Seeds.
Say hello to the lovely people at Jennings.
The beer?
- Printing costs and a press launch.
- The beer people?
All we have to do is put
their little logo at the bottom of each page.
No, but the seed company made sense
cos, you know, John loved flowers.
But he never drank beer, Chris.
You know that.
It's not about the beer.
It's about their money.
There it is. Have a look.
It's beautiful.
Hello, is this the Skipton News? Could
I speak to your publicity person, please?
I want to make an announcement.
Madam Chairman, can I just... Sorry.
Madam Chairman, I'm sorry. Sorry.
- It's Knapely.
- Sorry?
- In Yorkshire.
- Charming.
Listen. I'm sorry to bother you
in the middle of conference,
but there's an issue come up at my WI
which I feel duty-bound to inform you of.
Well, you'll have to be brief. This way.
- Bastard!
- She wouldn't have done it deliberately.
- The absolute, and I hate to use the word...
- Well, don't then.
- It might have just slipped out.
- To Brenda Mooney.
Who happens to be Madam Chairman
of the National WI Federation.
We could...
I mean, Marie has deliberately
poured poison down there.
- Well, we'll just...
- Do what, Ruth? Please tell me.
Seeing as calendars
are being printed as we speak.
If we can't use the name
Women's Institute, we just don't use it.
If it's not the Women's Institute,
it's just a load of middle-aged women
mysteriously standing naked
behind fruitcakes.
Oh, my God!
It would look like pornography!
But I don't know what's on the order form.
It's under the tin can
where the bent nail used to be.
You're gonna have to sort this one out
on your own, sweetheart.
Why? Where the hell are you?
Tell you later. I'll be back tonight
for the press conference. Bye!
Chris Harper and Annie Clarke
from Knapely to see Brenda Mooney.
- Are you official delegates?
- Yes, from Knapely.
- Yes, from Knapely.
- And you're here to do an open spot?
- Right. Follow me.
- We're in.
- What's an open spot? Sounds painful.
- I don't know.
- Very last minute. Go on straight away.
- On where?
Don't know.
- Which WI are you?
- We're from Knapely.
There are lots of them.
Brenda... Sorry. Madam Chairperson...
- "Conference" please.
- Sorry? I beg your pardon?
Address the whole conference, please.
Go on. You can do it.
The final open spot of the morning
is the delegate from Knapely.
We wanted to come to ask approval from...
well, from you all.
We want to do a WI calendar
which raises enough money to buy...
a chair or a seat, a sofa, or...
well, anything, really...
Sorry.
OK, so, the thing is here,
is that the hospital local to us in Knapely
is where my John...
where...
my husband...
Thank you. Knapely,
best of luck with the settee. Now...
No. Just hold on.
Just hold on a minute with your red light.
Sorry, does the other member
from Knapely want to say something?
Yes, because
she's about to commit heresy.
Hello. Here we go.
- Oh, God.
- Look, I hate plum jam.
I only joined the WI
to make my mother happy.
I do, I hate plum jam.
I'm crap at cakes, I can't make sponge.
In fact, seeing as it's unlikely that George
Clooney would actually come to Skipton
to do a talk on what it was like to be in ER,
there seems very little reason
for me to actually stay in the WI.
Except suddenly... suddenly I want
to raise money in memory of a man I loved,
and to do that I'm prepared to take
me clothes off for a WI calendar,
and if you can't give us minutes
of your time, Madam Chairman,
well then, frankly, guys,
I'm going to do it without council approval.
Because there are some things that are
more important than council approval.
And if it means
that we get closer to killing off
this shitty, cheating, sly,
conniving bloody disease that cancer is,
God, I tell you, I'd run round Skipton
market naked, smeared in plum jam,
wearing nothing but a knitted tea cosy
on me head and singing "Jerusalem".
Let's break.
minutes.
We don't do nudity.
But we do do charity.
Can I assume this is a local fundraiser
and you're not gonna be making
too big a hoo-ha out of it?
In which case, it's a branch matter,
and I can leave any decision
in the hands of your branch president.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Sod it. Go on, then.
Evening News? Morning Herald? Did you
invite the journalist from the Gazette?
- Yes.
- Actually, so did I. Here we go.
Thank you. Keep the change.
My God. It's half past. Come on.
The girls will have done
half the press conference by now.
Right, where are we?
I think it's down here. Come on.
How many press releases did I send out?
How many sodding press releases?
Bloody local paper! What bigger than this
has happened in Knapely tonight?
Don't tell me.
Someone's grown a U-shaped marrow.
We're going to lose money, aren't we?
Not only are we not going to raise it,
we're actually going to lose it.
I suppose we did promise
it wouldn't be a big hoo-ha.
We tried.
At least you made that speech.
Yeah. Well, it's not enough, Annie.
I'd rather not have tried
than have to face Marie and say
"Oh, no. Actually, yes, you were right.
It was another one of Chris's ideas."
"And what's worse" - this is a good one -
"to add insult to injury, I took me clothes off
and no one was interested."
- You after the WI thing?
- Yes.
Had to spill over. They're in t'ballroom.
...giving the game away to say
we did have the odd glass of wine.
Oh, here they are!
You're nude in The Telegraph, dear.
Can you pass the bacon?
- Open up, Maya, love, will ya?
- I have, Mum.
We're full.
One minute the dressing gown was on,
and the next it was just me and the hat.
I'm here in the Yorkshire village of Knapely,
where the Women's Institute
have not only been raising money,
but raising eyebrows
by stripping for a charity calendar.
I'm thinking of taking it up professionally.
What's your family think?
I was worried my daughter would be
embarrassed, but she talked me into it.
Any magazine offers?
It's his village, is Knapely.
House he grew up in was in Embsay Lane.
And that church up there
is where we got married. Hiya, Jessie!
Sorry. Sorry. Miss September.
It's done me the world of good.
Chris, what gave you the idea?
Excuse me.
Hello, dear. I brought my journalists
to meet your journalists.
Hello.
To develop ideas and to have them...
You know, after all, the WI is about
education and empowerment of women.
It's not just jam and "Jerusalem".
The WI nude calendar?
No, love, sorry.
But I definitely sent you a batch of .
Look. Look,
Minstergate Bookshop, York. .
And I got 'em, love,
and I put 'em out at nine o'clock,
and at ten past nine we'd sold out.
Thanks very much. Thank you!
Annie!
We've got to order more calendars!
We're down to the last .
- What is it?
- They were waiting for me.
- Who?
- When I got back.
My God.
Read this, Chris.
It's happened to them,
just like it's happened to me.
I'm going to help them.
"And your photo made me smile
for the first time in months."
"Now I smile
whenever I see the calendar."
"Thank you, girls,
for your bravery and beauty."
"Best wishes, Vera Mason."
"It reminded me so of Eileen."
"You seemed to have
the same spirit she had."
"I know she would have howled
with laughter at your photographs."
"Thank you again.
Looking forward to the next."
"I'm currently in the high security wing of
Her Majesty's Prison Barlinnie in Scotland,
and was mightily impressed
by the sheer size of your..."
It's on! Look! It's on!
...has been speaking to the instigator
of the world's first
nude WI calendar, Chris Harper.
So, Chris, tell us how it all came about,
cos you wouldn't normally associate
the Women's Institute with nudity.
No, the usual image of the WI calendar
is of plums and jam and country views.
We thought if glamour photographers
can do it on a beach in Bangkok,
we can do it in a church hall near Skipton.
Fantastic.
I was trying to get in there.
Middle age didn't put them off stripping off,
and now these women are hogging
the headlines across the north.
Chris Harper's behind it. Rather than fall
back on the usual twee landscape scenes,
she talked her friends into posing nude
for the local Women's Institute calendar.
Not quite the jam and "Jerusalem"
the ladies are usually known for.
Chris says their husbands will never
look at their wives in the same way again.
Neither will the other members
of this quiet little Dales community.
- Where you going?
- It's Thursday.
But you just got back from the conference.
- Eddie, I've got a surprise for you.
- I've had it.
I got it when someone turned round
in t'petrol queue and said
"Isn't this tart with her tits out your wife?"
Eddie.
Eddie, I didn't do it just to... I just...
Eddie!
- Burston wedding today.
- Morning, Jem.
- I'm Gaz.
- And we've got another order.
It's a massive order, Chris.
Guy's comin' round at . .
Got a meeting.
- When are you back?
- Later. Bye!
When later?
Anyone seen Jem?
Normally more than one of you, is there?
Aye. Sorry.
But my wife,
she's a bit busy at the moment.
- Kids?
- No.
It's some WI calendar thing
she's organised. She's on a chat show.
Not the calendar? The nude one?
Aye.
We just bought one. My wife came home.
Seriously, it's fantastic.
I'll tell her.
So, I've bought flowers off Mr...
Come on, then, which one is she?
January.
Suppose you're getting
sick of all this, are you?
Oi, give us some of that.
I thought I'd find you here. You all right?
You got any money?
What is funny, between you and me,
some of the blokes...
Frank, his wife would hardly
undress in front of him before.
And now, apparently, you know...
I was saying, it's not had that effect in
our bedroom, I can tell ya. Hardly see her.
Sorry, I can't resist this. Mr January.
You don't mind, do you?
Aye. As long as I don't have to
take me clothes off.
I'll tell ya. It's unbelievable.
Well, for the last two hours,
I have been exchanging phone calls...
with Hollywood.
What, the real one?
No, Celia. The chocolate one.
Yes, the real one.
From who?
From the studio of a show
with a man whose name I've forgotten.
They're not coming
all the way from America?
No.
They're going to do it on the phone?
No. They only do face-to-face interviews.
If they won't come here and won't do it
on the phone, how are they...
Oh, my God.
We're going to Hollywood.
You're joking.
Reynoldson, with a Y.
Oh, he's there.
Please. Could you
put me through to his room?
Eddie?
"Your toilet was broken,
but I've fixed it now."
All right, lads.
- Can I help you, Officer?
- You can put that joint out for a start.
- Hollywood?
- It's not for fun. It's really important.
I mean, if we get on the telly in America,
it's fantastic publicity.
I mean, just imagine, the whole of America.
What about our business, Chris?
Or is that not important?
Can you get that?
I'm in a meeting.
Hello. Flower-Power.
It won't be anything serious.
He'll be all right.
- They're not charging him.
- Oh, thank God.
Is it not illegal then?
Well, cannabis is, but they tend
not to worry too much about oregano.
Right.
Jem, you stupid... you stupid...
- Thanks, Mum.
- Jem...
I'll go. We've already had
a little father-and-son.
Anyway, you've got to sign
something before we can go.
- Jem!
- Would you like to come this way?
Yes, all right. Oh, thanks.
- Thanks very much.
- Good night.
Where is it? Where the hell is it?
Ah, passport.
I'm hoping they'll let me in
with a few calendars.
After we've been on American telly,
we might be able to shift a few.
No, wait a minute. The holidays
are all different there, aren't they?
Well, maybe we'll have to do a reprint.
You know, the American version.
Your son's been arrested.
Yes, I know.
And released, Annie, with g of oregano.
The only thing
that'd be dangerous in is a quiche.
But he thought it was drugs, Chris.
Do you want to stay? Find out why?
Yes, I do, obviously, but...
The woman in the studio contacted me.
I'm the one who...
Chris, Chris, we can cope.
We're big girls.
Particularly Celia.
Hello.
I was wondering if you could
quote me for some carpets.
You do sell carpets?
You are the owner of a carpet warehouse?
- Sorry. I'm with someone.
- I know.
My husband.
I just came to llkley
to see what I wasn't as good as.
OK. Well, you've done that now.
He told me you were the manager
of a carpet warehouse.
He told me you were dead.
I think maybe I have been.
You are looking good, baby.
Sorry. Which one of us
are you talking about, Eddie?
The one that makes a tart of herself
by taking her clothes off, or me?
Sod off. Eddie?
No, no. You stay and enjoy yourselves.
I'm off to Hollywood.
Eddie?
Sorry I'm late! Frank was so slow.
Bloody hell, Celia! How many frocks?
...or you'll be flooded out. And if anything
goes wrong, phone your Auntie Sophie.
You going to say
"Don't do anything I wouldn't do"?
You already have, Mam.
Right, everyone.
Has everyone got a ticket?
Yes.
- A passport?
- Yes.
A lying snake for a husband?
No? Only me there, then.
Let's go!
Come on.
Hollywood, please, on your shiniest plane.
Sorry, ladies.
You've come to the wrong desk.
I have asked four people.
Each of them said we could check in
for the flight to Los Angeles at any desk.
We have queued for minutes
in the only queue,
and we were directed
to your desk by your representative.
Where precisely have we gone wrong?
There was no need to queue, madam.
You're all flying upper class.
- You've been upgraded.
- We're going first class!
- I can check you in here if you like.
- Thank you, dear.
What a nice girl. I knew she was a nice girl.
- Celia, press the white button on the right.
- I am doing.
- On the right. The white one.
- Bye-bye!
- Cheerio. I'm going right under you, Celia.
- Fantastic.
I got my foot stuck now.
Where are we, Cora?
This is Sunset Strip!
- Cheerio, gals. I'll see you later.
- What are you doing?
- I'm going up.
- Be careful.
It's lovely. Come up.
Hollywood! We're here!
Get down! Stop messing about.
- Good afternoon, ladies.
- Thank you, Ashley, I'll handle this.
Good afternoon. Welcome to Los Angeles.
- It's our first time here.
- Is that right?
- Clarke. The name's Clarke.
- Mrs Clarke.
Or should I call you Miss February?
I saw your picture
in the paper this morning.
Thank you, ma'am. Now, I'll just talk you
through the facilities, OK?
Right.
Now, there are two televisions,
one on each end,
both of which have cable TV,
Internet access and movies on demand.
Now, there's also a full bar here,
but if you need anything special,
don't hesitate to call downstairs and we'll...
- Is everything OK, ma'am?
- Yeah, no, it's fine.
It's just I'm a bit tired.
I'd like to go to my room now, really.
This is the hotel's master suite, ma'am.
This is your room.
Come on, I'll show you downstairs.
It's beautiful.
Have you been in your bathroom?
Me too! I'm in the bath!
And the bubbles, they're Christian Dior.
The bath bubbles! They're Christian Dior!
- Do you think they'll charge us for it?
- I hope not!
Nice! Good. And then into the limo.
Into the limo. That's very good.
No, it's great.
- Let me have a shot with you and the girls.
- No. We gotta go.
- Give him a kiss. Put your arm round him.
- British women are taking me hostage.
Right.
- What are we doing first, then?
- Chris!
I can't believe it!
You look gorgeous!
Looking lovely! That's fantastic! OK!
Great, ladies.
OK, we got another section coming up.
- Hey! Hold it, guys. Hold it.
- Bye-bye! Thank you.
Ladies, please! We got a whole
new section to do here! Come on.
Come on, ladies!
It's the cover page, and then four pages
about how I don't give him sex any more.
I just had to get away.
I mean, the press will be all over it by now.
So Rod's having to deal with all that
on his own, then, is he?
Well, him and Jem.
Slightly out of character, don't you think,
for Rod, saying all that?
Did he get tricked into it?
Did you stay to find out?
Or by that time was there a taxi waiting?
- Are you all right?
- Yeah. I'm fine.
Annie, Chris.
This is Frank, Scott and John.
- They're in a band called Anthrax.
- Hello.
Heard so much about you. We're really
impressed with what you're doing.
- It's a great story.
- We haven't heard anything about you.
I have.
Have you had a think about that, then?
Yes. Well, yes.
It would be in that ballpark, yes.
Well, you know what? Let me talk with my
associates, and I'll get back to you. Bye.
- Thank you.
- Who was on the phone?
- Very exciting.
- Who?
Very exciting. I'll tell you in make-up. We're
dead close to a deal. Oh, look, that's him.
By the way, is it Leno or Leno?
We've gotta get it right.
- Leno.
- Are you sure?
- No, I think it's Leno.
- Leno.
Not only will they sponsor the calendar
in America to the tune of $
but guess who'll be filming in the studio
next to the one we shoot the advert in?
What?
Guess who's filming in the studio next to
the one we're going to shoot the advert in?
Advert?
Well, they sponsor us, we do their advert
for washing powder. That's how it works.
George Clooney.
Can I have it straight like Jennifer Aniston?
You know, in Friends.
Why would I dye just part of my head?
It doesn't make any sense.
I do not dye my hair. You may have
heard about my first guests.
They went from living a quaint,
peaceful life in a small British town
to becoming nude calendar girls.
They're here tonight to tell us the story.
This is the calendar.
Please welcome, from Knapely, England,
the Calendar Girls. Let's bring them out.
Hello, girls. How are you?
How are you? Good to see you.
Everybody's here. Have a seat.
Just sit anywhere.
I'm curious. Have you girls
been strippers all your lives?
- We're not strippers.
- Did you get drunk beforehand?
It was no big deal, you know.
We've all got the same bits.
- The same bits? Yes.
- They're just different sizes.
Can I have some of them rice things?
- It's called sushi.
- I know.
- It's all suggestive.
- I could make a few suggestions.
Well, ladies, it's fascinating.
Good luck with your work.
And, please, if you would just try to
encourage more women to get naked.
Thank you very much,
the ladies of Knapely.
We do have to work some kind of order out
when we're asked questions,
cos far too much of that you couldn't hear
because everybody was talking.
Annie? Annie?
What are you doing? You missed it.
We were just on television,
the whole reason we came here.
I thought that was
to get away from the press.
Hello?
Hello?
Is there anyone there?
There they are!
Yes!
Welcome, ladies. How are we today?
- Fine.
- Fantastic. Fabulendo.
My name is Danny. I'm the director.
And which one of you is Chris?
You're Chris.
Hi. Exciting. Yeah, yeah.
OK, now, just to let you know, what I've
done is cleared the studio of excess men.
That's a shame.
I didn't want you walking around naked
in front of a bunch of guys you didn't know.
Sorry?
We're doing the washing powder, right,
hanging the washing on the line.
And naked behind.
I mean, there's not a problem
with that, is there?
It is what you girls do, isn't it?
- Yeah.
- Yes. Great.
Not now. I'm working. Go, go, go.
Great! Beautiful! I love this!
Ladies, the time is now.
Roxanne, Carol, hi.
- Nice to see you.
- Nice to see you. What do you think?
- It's great.
- Thank you very much.
- Is the agency happy?
- We are.
Thank you.
Annie!
We'll be just a moment.
Annie, this is for the calendar. We just
do this, we get the calendar out in America.
- Look, are you gonna talk to me?
- I need a shower.
- What?
- Was it down here?
I feel dirty. Your washing powder
made me feel dirty.
- My washing powder?
- Down here.
I get it. I see.
This is cos I've organised it, right?
Because I've made a success of getting us
a sponsor and taken this out of being...
We're not just raising money
for a relatives' room any more.
- We're taking on the bloody disease.
- Red light's on, Chris!
You can't stand it, can you?
You cannot stand
that I've made this calendar a success.
No, see, Chris, what's happened
is this calendar's made you a success.
- What's that supposed to mean?
- Where are we?
- Annie, what is that supposed to mean?
- Don't ask me what it means, Chris!
When you're standing in a cardboard street
talking about meeting George Clooney.
What's with all these letters? All this bloody
Florence Nightingale, this agony aunt?
Doesn't that smack
just a little bit of being a star?
Loads of people lose their partners to this
disease. I bet they don't all get fan mail.
Doesn't that make you a little bit of
a success, a successful bereaved woman?
A celebrity widow? St Annie of Knapely?
I'm not a saint,
because I'd rob every penny
from this calendar
if it would buy me
just one more hour with him.
You've still got yours,
and you're in Hollywood!
Oh, Lord! It's Thursday.
- Come on.
- We've gotta get in there.
Are you coming?
Hello, love.
How's Jem?
He made a quiche on Tuesday.
We've been stoned ever since.
Don't worry, Chris. He'll be all right.
Look, Rod, I'm sorry.
- You don't have to apologise.
- I do have to apologise.
Everything you said
in the paper was true, wasn't it?
- I didn't know he was a journalist.
- This isn't the point.
I mean, you still said it.
Just why didn't you say it to me?
Why didn't you just, I don't know, shout out
"What the bloody hell do you think..."
I know you'd have liked me to.
It'd suit your Hollywood story if I'd been
"No bloody wife of mine!"
But I've not because... I actually think
it's brilliant what you've done.
That's why I've stood behind you, and I've
told your son to get over it and be proud,
because I actually wanted you
to have all this.
Thank you.
Do me a bloody favour, get back in that
hall and sort out what's wrong with Annie.
I don't know what to say to her.
She's your oldest friend, Chris.
You don't have to say anything.
Sorry. Ladies, ladies. Would you...
Ladies, please.
Since we've stopped, as it happens,
today we've finally been sent the first
figures for the sales of our calendar.
Come on. Where is it? Right, thank you.
It says here in this letter
from Leukaemia Research Fund
that we've so far raised...
£ .
So a big round of applause to all of us
for making it such a success.
We can get that sofa in the leather, then.
I've put our names down
for next month's speakers.
"Chris and Annie:
What We Learned in Hollywood."
You're lying. Colin Petley's coming
from Keighley with his tea towel collection.
Be still, my beating heart.
- Anyone fancy some chips?
- Oh, yes!