Voila! Finally, the Carnal Knowledge
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Mike Nichols movie
with Jack Nicholson. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Carnal Knowledge. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
If you had a choice, -
- would you rather love a girl,
or have her love you?
- I want it mutual.
- If you couldn't have that.
Would I rather be the one who loves,
or is loved?
It's not an easy question.
I think I'd rather be in love.
Me, too.
I wouldn't want to get hurt, though.
- You were in love with Gloria.
- I was starting to be.
Then she let me feel her up on the
first date. Turned me right off.
- You kept going with her.
- Well, she let me feel her up.
- What about Gwen?
- Her I could talk to.
- I never could talk to any girl.
- I was getting crazy about her.
But she wouldn't let me
lay a hand on her.
- So I went back to Gloria.
- You want perfection.
- What do you want?
- She just has to be nice.
- Not beautiful?
- She doesn't have to be.
- I'd like her built, though.
- I want mine sexy.
- She shouldn't look like a tramp.
- Sexy doesn't mean like a tramp.
- There's a middle ground.
- I would want that.
Tall, very tall...
That would scare me.
She should be very understanding.
Start the same sentences together.
- I'd like that.
- Big tits...
- Yeah, but still a virgin.
- I don't care about that.
I wouldn't mind if she was a little
ahead of me, with those big tits.
And knew hundreds of different ways.
I want a companion. The other stuff
I can get on the outside.
The first time I do it, I don't want
to waste it on some beast.
I feel about getting laid
the same way I feel about college.
I'm being pressured into it.
- You like that?
- Yeah.
I give her to you.
I'm a generous guy.
I'm grateful.
How do I break the news to her?
Go over there.
There's a way to talk to girls.
Tell her ajoke. Tell her about
your unhappy childhood.
- That's not bad.
- But don't make it like an act.
Go ahead.
Go ahead, schmuck.
If you don't, I will.
You can't even stand up.
- I fucked up.
- My turn.
- She's mine, you gave her to me.
- You struck out.
I get two more times at bat.
- This is my first college mixer.
- I hate them.
- It's so phony.
- Everybody puts on an act.
- You don't know who you meet.
- Because you're meeting the act.
- I'm not sure I agree.
- I don't either.
- You don't agree with yourself?
- How do you feel about it?
People like to think they put on
an act, but it's really them.
- They think they can change it.
- They're kidding themselves?
- It is an act, but the act is them.
- Then how can it be an act?
- Because they're an act.
- They're also real. So I'm not real?
- I'm an act?
- It's all right, so am I.
Don't you behave differently
with different people?
- With your family?
- I thought you meant people.
- Sure, with my family...
- And with friends, another way.
And with your teachers, still
another way. So which one is you?
- You ought to be a lawyer.
- I'm gonna be a lawyer.
A lady lawyer.
You're from Smith, right?
- Do you like it?
- Yeah. Do you like Amherst?
Sure. My parents worked very hard
to send me.
I'd better like it.
Do you have a name?
- Susan.
- I'm Sandy.
I think you can make out with her.
She's stuff.
- You think so?
- I wouldn't kick her out of bed.
- Shouldn't I try somebody else?
- Who?
She was the best-looking girl
at the mixer. Wasn't she?
- Her tits were too small.
- Yeah. The hell with her.
- But her legs were great.
- I was standing too close.
I wouldn't kick her out of bed.
- She's got funny ideas.
- I wouldn't kick her out of bed.
- Don't rush me.
- What is it? I like you very much.
It's our third date.
You let me kiss you last week.
If I could kiss you once last week,
I should kiss you twice tonight.
- You're the only boy I can talk to.
- I can't see you being quiet.
If somebody doesn't approve
of what you are...
- Whatever that is.
- You just don't tell him.
If I want a boy to like me,
and I'm brighter than him, -
- I can't show it or I'll lose him.
- I don't want anyone overly bright.
- You wouldn't feel threatened.
Not nearly as much as some people.
I want to write novels.
Later, when I have something to say.
Does that threaten you?
No.
Maybe a little.
Don't press so hard.
It's better when it's gentle.
See?
What are you grinning at?
- Did you feel her up yet?
- I don't want to ruin things.
Was I right about kissing her?
- You won?
- I don't know.
- You let yourself be pushed around.
- You're pushing me around.
I guess I won,
she kissed me five times.
That's when you should've put
your hand on her tit.
- I should do that to her?
- She's not doing you a favor.
When a girl lets you kiss her,
and feel her up...
Go all the way
and all the rest of it...
Isn't it a favor? What's in it
for her? She's not getting paid.
Fuck you.
Okay, I'll feel her up.
Please take your hand off my breast.
I want you to.
- It can't be fun if I don't want it.
- I didn't say it was fun.
- Then why is your hand there?
- I should be feeling you up by now.
I don't feel that way about you.
I feel that way about you.
Don't you want me to feel something
for you, too?
I do like you, but for other reasons.
If we went any further,
there wouldn't be those reasons.
- We might have something else.
- What?
Something else.
You're the first girl
I've ever done that to.
- I didn't know that.
- It doesn't show?
It's something
we both have to go through.
Susan, are you a virgin?
What do I do with my other hand?
What are you gonna do
with your hands?
Then she told me to take my hand off
her breast. I said I didn't want to.
She said how could it be fun for me
if she didn't like it?
I said I thought she liked me.
She said, "for other reasons."
I told her I really needed this.
That it was my first time.
- What did you say exactly?
- I don't remember exactly.
That she was the first girl
I ever tried to feel up.
Was that a mistake?
Then she got nicer to me.
- She put my hand on her breast.
- You mean she left it on.
- She picked it up and put it on.
- She took your hand?
- And put it on like this?
- Yes. I didn't know what to think.
Suddenly she gets pretty aggressive.
Then I asked if she was a virgin.
Was that a mistake?
- Anyhow, she is.
- She says.
So you got one or two hands
on her tits?
- She put the other hand on the other.
- Two hands?
I said, "What are you gonna do
with your hands?"
- Then what?
- She unzipped my fly.
- Bullshit artist! Then what?
- Then she did it.
Did what?
Bullshit artist!
She really did that to you?
Is this Susan?
I'm a friend of Sandy's.
His roommate.
Yeah, Jonathan.
He told you about me?
I'm here at Smith just for tonight,
practically on campus.
I was just taking a drive and I
found myself practically on campus.
Do you like Smith?
- Where did you go to high school?
- What do you do in the summer?
You always answer with a question?
You always date
your best friend's girl?
- Sandy told me you were beautiful.
- He told me you were sexy.
- I guess he's a poorjudge.
- He meant you had personality.
- You have a special quality.
- I'm hardly that special.
Most girls I talk to it's like we're
spies from foreign countries, -
- speaking in code.
Everything means something else.
I say, "How about a walk?"
And it means something else.
"No, I've got a French test tomorrow."
And it means something else.
And you say, "I'll help you study."
You're sharp, I like that.
You're too sharp.
- Does that bother you?
- It interests me.
- We'd be good together.
- I'm dating your best friend.
- He won't mind. I won't tell him.
- What if I mind?
- Want to go out Friday?
- I'm seeing Sandy.
- Saturday?
- I have a date.
- Sunday?
- I'm seeing my folks.
- Where do they live?
- Newton.
- Sunday night?
- I'll be too tired.
I'll help you get over your folks.
- What are you so afraid of?
- Not you.
I think I'm in love.
- Bullshit artist.
- I really think so.
- Did you get in yet?
- What's that got to do with it?
How do you know if you don't know
how you are in bed together?
She tells me thoughts
I didn't even know I had.
- I can talk to her.
- You can talk to me.
I can say things to her
I wouldn't dare say to you.
- Things you'd laugh at.
- I'm laughing now.
She thinks I'm sensitive.
Sensitive? Oh, boy!
- Do you talk about flowers?
- Books.
- I read more books than you do.
- I'm gonna start.
- I'm reading "The Fountainhead."
- What's that?
Her favorite book.
Ever hear of "Jean Christophe"?
It's a classic, you moron.
I'll read it after "The Fountainhead."
Ever read "Guadalcanal Diary"
by Richard Tregaskis? I read it.
Ever read "Gentleman's Agreement"?
Or "A Bell For Adano"?
- I'm gonna read everything.
- I read more than you.
So who's sensitive?
- I've had a messed-up childhood.
- What does your father do?
- He fails. It's not funny.
- I'm sorry. Were you very poor?
My father couldn't hold on to ajob.
He kept giving me advice.
The more he failed, the more advice.
He's a Communist.
We're Republicans.
Sometimes I think I'm a Communist.
Me, too. We have so much,
and other people have so little.
After I get set up as a lawyer,
I really want to go into politics.
Public service. It gets me that
I was too young to fight in the war.
That was all about proving that,
if everybody pitches in, -
- plain people have a chance.
So although I'm the first in my family
to get an education, -
- I don't ever want to
forget where I came from.
- You're more serious than I thought.
- I know.
I'm another person with her.
The things I say...
- Boy! Is she built?
- She has... a quality.
She doesn't talk much,
but the things she says are sharp.
We should double-date.
I want to know her better
before we double-date.
Isn't it great? A month ago,
neither of us even knew a girl.
- What's her name?
- Myrtle.
Bullshit artist!
You're not kidding me?
You really did it!
- Next it's my turn.
- I don't think she'll do it.
- Sandy, find somebody else.
- Are you crazy? I'm on the verge.
I'll see her tomorrow night.
Sandy?
Do you ever talk to her about me?
Sometimes.
Do me a favor.
Don't tell her I got laid.
Please, Susan.
Sometimes I want to do it,
and then I don't.
I don't know why you put up with me.
- I don't think I can do it.
- It really hurts, Susan.
- Let me.
- Not anymore.
Susan, let's do it.
I love you.
Do you have anything?
How long have you had that?
- Not a year or anything?
- I'm sure it's okay.
- I'm not taking any chances.
- These have to be okay.
It's okay.
I'm positive it's okay.
- You're not the first to get laid.
- It's my first time.
I don't crow about it.
There's such a thing as good taste.
After you started scoring,
what did I get out of you?
"We did it standing, sitting,
in the car, under the car. Myrtle..."
I knew Susan before you knew
Myrtle. But you scored first.
It made me very jealous.
But I didn't try to shut you up.
- I'm your friend, I sat through it.
- Okay, you made your point.
I'm a better friend to you
than you are to me.
Didn't you ever do that?
Of course,
I knew what "misled" meant.
But when I saw it,
I thought it was "myzeled"!
I kept wondering what it meant.
Anybody ever heard of
"Round John Virgin"?
- Little John!
- What did you say?
- Round John Virgin.
- Round yon virgin mother and child.
All right: Gunshee.
G-u-n-s-h-y.
Susan, do the one about the bear.
The hymn we used to sing
about the bear with crossed eyes?
Whose name was Gladly.
Don't you know it?
Gladly the cross I'd bear.
Oh, Gladly the cross-eyed bear!
Pronounce this:
C-h-o-p-h-o-u-s-e.
Chophus...
Chop house.
- This has to stop.
- I don't know how to tell him.
- You tell him a lot of other things.
- What does that mean?
You never talk to me
the way you talk to him.
- What way?
- I don't know.
- I don't want to hurt him.
- You're hurting me.
- He loves me.
- That's no reason to sleep with him.
You would have just gone on
if he hadn't told me, wouldn't you?
- I would never have known.
- I don't know. Maybe.
- You're really something.
- I don't feel like something.
I feel like nothing.
How much longer
do you expect me to take this?
- I'm trying to tell him.
- I see how you're trying.
It's not my fault.
You're supposed to be in love
with me. I'm gonna tell him.
What? No, Jonathan!
- Try understanding me for once.
- You're stronger.
- You tell him everything else.
- Who says so?
He tells me, he's my best friend.
Are you going to tell him?
He's so helpless.
Susan, I love you.
Why can't you be more with me
like you are with Sandy?
She says she's no good for me.
Maybe she's trying
to let you down easy.
Go ahead and laugh. It adds up.
Go ahead and laugh.
You don't know every mood of mine
like you know his. How come?
You don't tell me thoughts
I never knew I had.
- You can do it with me.
- I can't.
You can do it with him,
you can do it with me.
- I can't with you.
- This has gone far enough.
- I can't stand any more ultimatums.
- Tell him tonight.
Or tomorrow I tell him. Look at me!
Now tell me my goddamn thoughts!
- You didn't do it, did you?
- No.
- Why not?
- He looks at me with such trust.
- How do I look at you?
- With bitterness.
It used to be trust.At least you know my thoughts.
- Did you tell him?
- What do you think?What do we do now?
- I guess I get an ultimatum.
- Is there any sense in this?
- In what?
- In you and me.
- That's up to you.
- No, it's up to you.
I don't see any point in it.I wish I were wrong.
I don't feel anything anymore.
Neither do I.
The reason
I didn't say anything to Sandy...
...I knew he wouldn't believe me.
And I'd go into details.
I knew he'd come running to you, -
- you'd tell him it was all true,
and then you'd go to bed with him.
That sounds like what would happen.
- So?
- So?
Jonathan...
- I'll always be your friend.
- Jesus, Susan, I hope not.
It's going to be buggy.
It's the tropics, the jungle.
- Just cover yourself.
- I'll get eaten alive.
You've never camped out.
Isn't he being silly, Jonathan?
- You're a real city boy.
- How about the cot?
- We've got a sleeping bag.
- Are we sleeping on the ground?
- This knapsack's heavy.
- Why did you pack a pillowcase?
- Put it back.
- Isn't he a nut, Jonathan?
- Let me pack my things.
- I'm just trying to help...
- Jesus...
- Do you want her?
- I wouldn't kick her out of bed.
- Look at the pair on her.
- That schmuck's trying to keep up.
- They're always with those guys.
- He must be .
- He might have a heart attack.
You could save his life.
Get her number and fuck her.
You bastard...
- How's Susan?
- Couldn't be better.
I always said it:
You found yourself ajewel.
- Not bad, that one.
- You get more than your share.
- I'd marry if I found the right girl.
- Bullshit. You and your actresses...
You got the deal, Doctor.
What can I say?
"Take your clothes off,
I wanna check your capital gains."
- I just look.
- Sure you do.
Susan is plenty enough woman
for one man. Look at that.
- That's Sally Joyce.
- I saw her on TV.
I fucked her once.
We used to do her taxes.
- She's with another firm now.
- Why not say hello?
She wouldn't remember me.
She's a real ball-buster.
I've been through the mill
with her kind.
You think a girl goes for you,
but it's your money or your balls...
And your balls. Women today
are better hung than the men.
- I should have your problems.
- It used to be easier to get laid.
I don't fuck more than a dozen
new girls a year now.
I may be too much of a perfectionist.
This last one came so close.
Good tits. Not great.
Almost no ass at all, and that
bothered me. Sensational legs.
I'd settle for the legs, if she had
two more inches here and three here.
- That took two years out of my life.
- You don't want a family?
Who needs it?
- Fucking can't be your life's work.
- Don't tell me what I can't do.
You're so well-off?
Susan's a very good homemaker.
Very efficient.
I come home, everything is
in its place. I like that.
It's tiring, a full day at the office,
then the hospital for a few hours.
So it's nice when everything's in
its place. Martini, dinner, the kids.
We don't watch much TV.
We read aloud to each other.
We used to have more friends.
On weekends we might entertain
a little, or go to see a friend.
Come into town,
see a play or a good film.
It's not glamorous or anything.
There are other things than glamor.
- You have a long lifeline.
- I like that.
The way you run your nail
across my...
- You're difficult to get along with.
- Me? Bobbie...
- You always know your own mind.
- Right this minute, anyway.
You won't stop
until you get what you want.
Let me see your hand.
- Well?
- You are built.
- Do you see that in my hand?
- Even your hand is built.
- You're a dirty old man.
- I'm a dirty young man.
- How old are you?
- What do you think?
... ?
- ? ...
- No.
- .
- You skipped .
- ?
- No.
? ?
- ? ?
- You're getting warm.
? .
I like going out with older women.
Are you married?
You don't want to get married?
I'd marry you in a minute.
Can you cook?
- Spaghetti.
- I can cook spaghetti.
- Good, you do the cooking.
- What'll you do?
- What would you like me to do?
- What would you like to do?
- I asked you first.
- I'm not gonna answer.
- Well... I can sew.
- Not much of a marriage.
- Me cooking, you sewing.
- Wanna divorce? I'll take every cent.
I didn't know
I was marrying a gold-digger.
- You won't take pity on me?
- Only if you say you're sorry.
- I'm sorry.
- And you'll never do it again.
- And you'll always be a good boy.
- Yes, Mama.
- Do you like to be mothered?
- I like to be smothered by you.
What else
would you like me to do to you?
Well, how do you like it?
- How do I like what?
- My... you know.
- What do I know?
- You know everything.
- I know you.
- And I know you.
Well, I almost came that time.
- Nurse?
- What is it, Mr. Weisenborn?
- Come in here a minute, please.
- Certainly.
Why, Mr. Weisenborn!
Most guys I know are pricks.
I don't know what they want.
I'll tell you. They want the boodle.
But they ain't gonna get the boodle.
Because this kid here has got it.
You're pretty sure of yourself.
- You're a nice man.
- And you're a very lucky girl.
- You know something, Sam?
- What is it, sweetheart?
Would it be a mistake
if we shacked up?
It's very difficult, Bobbie.
These last weeks we got on so well.
The idea...
I like you very much.
So much that this idea...
To be perfectly honest,
it sounds very good to me.
Let's give it a couple of days
to think about it.
It sounds like... very good.
Very, very...
Good.
Only, our eyes should be open.
We should know exactly
what we're getting into.
I'm not asking you for marriage.
- As long as we both understand that.
- We do.
It's better to get it all
out on the table, -
- so later there can be
no misunderstanding.
Many business deals
have come to grief...
Okay...
You're a real prick, you know that?
Prick?
I could get serious about this girl.
She's a lot of fun to be with.
Just between the two of us, for
the last year, I've been having...
A little trouble.
I wasn't worried, but still...
A little trouble with... myself.
...Getting hard.
It took a long time.
Girls today judge you very quickly.
So I had a real rough time
a couple of times.
Some very nasty innuendos.
As I say, I wasn't too worried...
I won't lie to you, I was worried.
Then along comes Bobbie.
One look at the pair on her -
- and I never doubted
that I'd be okay again. And I was.
With all our kidding, I don't mind
telling you I had tears in my eyes.
She's really the one in the airline
commercial? You lucky son of a bitch.
I don't want to get in over my head.
I did that already.
And you have to be a real bastard.
I don't like being put
in that position.
- What would you do?
- If she looks like she does on TV...
- Size with a D cup.
- Looks aren't everything.
Believe me, looks are everything.
Maybe.
- I'm hungry.
- I'll get up.
- Why do we always eat so late?
- Because I work late.
- Why do you work at all?
- Brings in extra money.
- I make enough.
- You want me to quit?
I thought you were bored with it.
So quit.
- What would I do?
- What do other women do?
Have children.
Well, you asked me.
- What about my beer?
- We're all out.
- I really wanted a beer.
- Should I run to the corner?
- You're too tired.
- I don't mind.
- I'll get it.
- No, I'll get it.
It's my fault. I should have
reminded you when I called.
I'm sorry.
You're more tired now
than when you were working.
I'm in the house all day.
Did you get up at all? What do you
do? When you're not on the phone?
- I'm not on the phone that much.
- It took minutes to get through.
- I'll get the beer.
- I'll go.
- I thought you were too tired.
- I haven't been out all day.
Fresh air will do you good.
- Will you walk with me?
- Then I may as well go myself.
You wanna make love?
We haven't in a week.
Is it a week?
It's funny.
Susan and I do all the right things.
We undress in front of each other,
spend minutes on foreplay.
We do it in different rooms.
It's a seven-room house.
We do it when we feel like it.
We don't feel we always need to be
passionate. Necking can be more fun.
We're considerate of each other.
I had a tendency to be selfish.
But I don't do that now.
We try to be patient, and we are.
Gentle with each other.
Maybe it's not meant to be
enjoyable with women you love.
Do you want to get laid?
Please.
Very nice.
I almost had it. Right, Cindy?
- See that, Cindy?
- He was lucky.
- Bastard, that was out.
- Bullshit.
- We'll do it over, all right?
- All right.
Deuce!
You see that shot, Cindy?
Now we got some tennis.
- Game! Luck, my ass!
- You want to take me on, Cindy?
- It's my turn.
- Come on, Bobbie, you're so awful.
You serve.
Very nice. You play well.
Look, Sandy!
Terrific, Cindy.
She's racking me up,
I'm not kidding.
Look at this. -love.
And I'm not taking it easy.
You and Lord & Taylor's
have to work out a trial separation.
The water was running.
What did you say?
You and Lord & Taylor's
have to work out a trial separation.
Look at the date.
Five months ago.
I'm sorry I cost you so much money.
I want to get married.
Are you tired of me, Jonathan?
The answer is yes.
You said, "Am I ever."
I need more in life than this.
After a long bed hunt,
you finally chose me.
Cindy's not a virgin either!
Is that what brought this on?
You must have a low opinion of me
to think I'd do that to Sandy.
No, you wouldn't cheat on Sandy.
He spends half his life here.
You just had me screwing Cindy.
Am I screwing Sandy now?
I'm going too fast?
Your mind works like an IBM.
First Cindy, then Sandy.
How about Cindy and Sandy?
When I heard about your checkered
past, I felt like a celibate.
- You made me tell.
- Sure, I twisted your arm.
- It got you hot!
- Something has to.
- You have such contempt for me.
- You worked hard for it. It's yours.
- The way you paw me at parties.
- Now affection is contempt.
Everything upside down.
Feeling me up in public
is not affection.
I know I'm doing a terrible job,
but you're not helping me.
- I help you.
- I can do without your kind of help.
Can you really?
You'll do anything to ruin my day.
I got up today feeling so good.
You couldn't leave us alone.
We were doing so well.
It was great what we had.
It can't have a natural time span?
Affairs can't dissolve in a good way?
- I really don't see why.
- Do you want it over?
Why must it be one or the other?
I want you here where you belong!
- What about you?
- When I'm here, I'm here. Or there.
No. I'm a man-eater and a
ball-buster... I want to get married.
Where the fuck is my shoehorn?
This place is a mess!
You look like you fell out of bed!
You're in bed longer than a baby!
I sleep all day
because I can't stand my life...
Now I'll fall in love with you
all over again.
- Marry me, Jonathan. Please.
- You're trying to kill me.
- Marriage isn't death.
- Why now?
Two years ago I slept hours,
a year ago it was .
- Soon it'll be .
- Are you trying to scare me?
- I need a life!
- Get ajob!
- I want you.
- I'm taken, by me! Go out!
- Do something useful!
- You wouldn't let me work.
You throw a tantrum
if I'm out when you call.
I'm out there in the jungle
eight hours a day!
- You even tell me who to vote for.
- You want ajob? I got it!
Fix up this pigsty! You get a pretty
good salary for testing this bed.
You want $ extra? Try vacuuming!
An extra ? Make this bed!
Open some windows!
It smells like a coffin in here!
You don't need me.
Why do you take this kind of abuse?
Walk out. Please leave me.
- I'd almost marry you if you'd leave.
- Abuse? I'm used to worse.
With all your carrying on,
to me you're a gift.
So what's it gonna be?
- You sure know how to ruin things.
- Where does that leave us?
Is this an ultimatum?
Is this an ultimatum?
Answer me, you ball-busting bitch!
If it is, I'm gonna tell you
what you can do with your ultimatum!
You can make this goddamned bed!
That's what you can do...
Clean these filthy sheets...!
- She's not ready.
- We're a little early.
- You're looking good, Cindy.
- Will Bobbie be long?
No...
- Do we have to go to this party?
- How about it, Cindy?
Where's the powder room?
I'm going, you do what you want.
Man, she's really something.
- I'm bored out of my mind.
- With that? You must be kidding.
Do you have to go to this party?
- Stick around.
- No, it's better that I go.
I just did my hair.
I've got this at home.
How's your tennis game, Jonathan?
- We'll have to have a rematch.
- Any time.
Is she always that way?
Boy, is she competitive.
She is. I find that attractive.
You know her problem?
She wants balls.
- She's all right.
- It's no criticism.
- I wish she were more feminine.
- She is a little masculine.
- She always demands her way.
- She's got a great body.
I have to give her
everything she wants.
I wouldn't mind giving her something.
You got Bobbie.
I should have it that good.
I've never seen a body
like Bobbie's.
She could do with more of what
Cindy's got. She's so passive.
I wouldn't mind Cindy lying still. Her
instructions in bed are like a drill.
I wouldn't mind a little of that.
If she remembers who's boss.
You wouldn't want to swap?
- Are you serious?
- It might liven things up.
- She can miss one party.
- What about Bobbie?
She's so mad at me
she'll jump on you just for revenge.
- Seriously?
- She's in the bedroom.
If you're quiet, you can do it
and she won't even know.
Give me a minute.
Tell Sandy it's time to leave.
I hope you dance
better than you play tennis.
- Sandy won't mind.
- What's he got to do with it?
You're his girl.
He said it would be okay.
- What did Sandy say?
- That you and me... you know.
- And you had nothing to do with it?
- A little.
- A little or a lot?
- This much.
I'm surprised it took you this long.
- Sandy and I have to go to a party.
- Sandy's busy.
You can come around, alone, that's
one thing. I've been expecting that.
But you tell Sandy that if he lays
one hand on that tub of lard, -
- not to come home.
So you call me.
Jesus!
She's semi-comatose. Send a
resuscitation unit and an airway.
Be ready to give her an IV.
We'll put her in intensive care.
Bastard.
Very slick. Very clever!
Well, it's not going to work, Bobbie!
JONATHAN FUERST PRESENTS
A JONATHAN FUERST
PRODUCTION
BALLBUSTERS ON PARADE!
That's Bonnie, my first love.
She lived upstairs from us.
We exposed ourselves to each other
at ten. My mother caught us.
She washed my mouth out with soap.
I never got the connection.
Here's Emily, my first steady.
I never laid a hand on her.
Mildred I think this one's name was.
She followed me around at school.
The fellas kidded me about her.
I told her to stop or I'd beat her up.
She dropped her drawers
and shoved her ass at me.
So I got my first sight of ass at .
Marcia, ½. I kissed her
at a spin-the-bottle party.
This was Rosalie. She looked
just like Elizabeth Taylor.
I had a crush on her
and I never went near her.
In those days, we had illusions.
Here's Charlotte. Not much on looks,
but great tits for .
That's Lenny Hartman's sister.
My first French kiss, years old.
Here's Gloria,
the best-built girl in school.
I took her to the zoo
and copped a cheap feel.
Here's Gwen. I tried for a year
to get her to put out, -
- but she was saving me for marriage.
Every guy at Evander
got into her pants except me.
Here's my first... No, that's not it.
Here's Eileen, my very first fuck.
She was a modern dancer.
Great body, but a waste. Frigid.
Here's Nancy. Sweet kid.
She went into biology. Very frigid.
Here's Bobbie! My wife.
The fastest tits in the West.
And king of the ball-busters.
Conned me into marriage.
Now she's killing me with alimony.
How did this one get in here?
This is my little girl, Wendy.
"Princess," I call her.
Isn't she a dreamboat?
Here's a real cunt. I forget her name.
A Nazi. I banged her in Berlin.
This I went with for a few months.
Banged her on a yacht race.
This slob I went with a year. I got
sick of her and couldn't get it up.
Can't remember her name.
This was my Jap in the sack.
I heard Oriental girls were different.
Not in America, they're not.
Here's a -year-old I gave $ to
one night when I was drunk.
Maybe you know her, Jennifer.
She gave me a dose.
That's all, folks.
What are you crying for?
It's not a Lassie movie.
Sorry about that.
- So, what else is new?
- I don't see anybody anymore.
- Neither do we.
- You've got each other.
- I thought she was your daughter.
- She's older than I in many ways.
She knows worlds
I can't even begin to touch yet.
- I found out who I am.
- You're in big trouble.
Same old Jonathan.
Let me talk to her about you.
Talk to her about me?
I'm forty, she's nine.
- You just don't get it.
- I've been getting it a long time.
What's the point? You found a
good piece of ass. God bless you.
You're my friend, I'm happy for you,
for as long as it lasts.
You deserve to be happy.
I mean it. Why fight?
All those games.
You don't need them, Jonathan.
I've played more games than anyone.
The obedient son, bright student, -
- the cocksman's game.
The good husband and father game.
Games don't impress Jennifer.
Just life, just love.
I don't want to argue,
so let's just agree to disagree, okay?
Jennifer knows more at
than Susan knows to this day.
- You found yourself a real jewel.
- She's my love teacher.
- Finally got it up, huh?
- You give off such bad vibrations.
I love you, but you're a schmuck.
You were always young, open.
Maybe schmuckiness is what
you need to stay young and open.
Don't listen to me. You're doing great
and I'm making money.
You can find what I found.
Don't make me insult you.
Women...
All ball-busters, right?
When you think of what
he has to dip into, -
- any guy with a conscience
has a right to turn soft.
- Am I right, Louise?
- You're always right, lover.
I don't think we're going to have
any trouble tonight.
- Are you sure?
- Want to bet?
- How much?
- The sky's the limit.
Goddammit!
- You're doing it all wrong.
- I'm doing it like always.
You never said that before.
"The sky's the limit."
- Never.
- What do I say?
You forgot, didn't you?
I say a hundred.
- Okay.
- Itjust came out.
I just want it right.
I don't think we're going to have
any trouble tonight.
- Are you sure?
- Wanna bet?
- How much?
- A hundred.
- You sound pretty sure.
- With your kind, why shouldn't I be?
What kind of man am I?
A real man. A kind man.
- I'm not kind.
- I don't mean weak, like many men.
I mean the kindness that comes
from an inner power so strong -
- that every act is more proof
of that power. Women resent that.
That's why they try to cut you down.
Because your knowledge is so true -
- that it exposes the lies which
every scheming one of them lives by.
It takes a true woman to understand
the purest form of love:
To love a man who denies himself
to her. A man who inspires worship.
Because he has no need for any
woman. Because he has himself.
And who is better, more beautiful,
more powerful, more perfect...
You're getting hard...
More masculine, extraordinary.
More robust... It's rising.
More virile, domineering.
More irresistible...
It's up, in the air.