Voila! Finally, the Chumscrubber
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Jamie Bell and
Camilla Belle movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Chumscrubber. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
This was the best
of all possible worlds.
But even here,
a little help was necessary.
And that's where
Troy came in.
Troy supplied feel-good pills
to all the kids at Hillside.
And, in this way,
happiness was spread all around.
Life could not possibly
be any more wonderful.
Lainie, listen, do you feel
like something's missing?
Has your energy level
been noticeably low lately?
Believe me, I know.
Lainie, believe me. Yes.
Right. So if you would
choose at this time
to upgrade to the
full platinum package,
you would start to see
the changes that I'm talking about.
No. No, I don't want you
to think of these as vitamins.
- Son of a bitch.
- Oharlie!
I am doing VeggiForce.
- Level three.
- Yes!
Oh, absolutely.
Lainie, can I...?
Oan I tell you, it has
completely changed my life?
You see?
It has given me
an entirely new life system.
Good for you, Lainie.
Good for you! I'm so happy.
Oh, Dean, hello.
It's wonderful to see you.
Troy's out back
in his little hideaway.
Dean, do me a favor.
Get him to turn his stereo
down a bit?
- Sure.
- Great. Thanks so much.
Troy?
Goodbye, Dean.
Goodbye, Mrs. Johnson.
Dean, I was hoping
to get your opinion on something.
Oan you come in here
for a minute?
Lt'll just take one second.
Publisher sent this over.
It's for promotional events.
Book signings, lectures...
...TV.
You got a good eye.
What do you think? Is it too much?
What do you want, Dad?
Let's have a seat.
I want to talk to you about Troy.
- I told you everything already.
- You told us the facts.
We're interested in
how you feel about it.
- Dad, who's we?
- Your mother and I, of course.
And...
A lot of people.
You threw us all for a loop there, pal.
Hold on a second.
Is this a therapy session?
- Is that what you're doing?
- No, not at all.
- You think I'm crazy?
- Of course not, Dean.
We're just talking here.
Man to man.
- Just talking?
- Absolutely.
Man to man?
OK.
Dean, I know Troy
was your best friend.
Actually, we weren't really friends.
We hung out sometimes, that's all.
Did you have a
better friend than him?
I don't really have any friends, Dad.
You know that.
So, strictly speaking,
Troy was your best friend.
And how do you feel
about the suicide
of your best friend
in the world?
Real shitty.
Oome on, son,
make an effort for me.
Dad, I told you before.
I'm not all broken up about it.
I know I'm supposed to be.
I'm just not.
You're really not?
- No, I'm sorry...
- No, no. I...
I understand how someone
might respond like that.
What are you writing?
Dad, I thought we were just
talking man to man here.
Just one second.
Dad, if you write about me again
in another one of your stupid books,
I'm gonna kill you.
Stupid?
There are several major book
chains around this country
- that would disagree with you.
- All right.
The Happy Accident
will pay your college tuition.
- All right!
- Fine.
Let me ask you this.
Mrs. Johnson suspects that Troy
might have been selling drugs
to some of the kids at school.
- Yeah?
- How do you feel about that?
I feel then it must have
been unfulfilling for him.
That's very interesting.
Why do you say that?
Because he killed himself.
Dean, a young life was taken,
and from the moment it happened,
you ignored it like it was nothing.
You didn't even tell
any of the adults at the party.
- Oan you explain?
- I didn't think you would...
- What?
...care!
This is called Viloprex.
Now, don't fight me on this,
I prescribe this to lots of kids.
You want me to take that?
It's just something
to give you a little...
...balance.
OK, let me have it.
OK. Wonderful.
*OAREFREE LIVING
HILLSIDE OOMMUNITIES
Lee, can I get some
by the end of the day?
Yeah, I'll see what I can do.
Lee. My dad's coming
to visit this weekend.
I understand, but our supply
is a little low right now.
Prozac, Haldol, it doesn't matter.
Anything to get me through till Monday.
- I'm almost out of Ritalin.
- Ritalin.
I gotta check.
I don't know if we have it.
I still got a few left.
- He's here all weekend.
- I'll see what I can do, man.
Got any Vicodin?
Hey! Psycho!
What happened to your boyfriend?
Oome on, he's all tied up
and waiting for you, Dean.
Don't ignore me, Dean.
Don't ignore me!
Don't ignore me.
Here it is, Mrs. Bratley,
with all the changes,
exactly as you ordered.
I lowered the neckline
just a touch.
The crystal beading,
a special-order item,
but we have to talk
about that later.
The buttons,
which are covered...
Well, it's wonderful.
It's absolutely wonderful.
Michael.
Michael.
Oh... yes.
I can see
the changes this time.
It's just really... It's amazing.
Thank you, Mr. Mayor.
We had to put a lot of projects on hold,
but that's OK,
because I think it's really...
Michael, you didn't even look.
Anyway, the fit
will be exactly the same.
So, if you like,
I can ring it up for you now.
Oan I see the veil
and the dress together?
Oan I do that? Oan I see
the two of them together?
I don't know that we can do
any more alterations before Sunday.
I just want to see
the two of them together.
I don't think
I'm being unreasonable.
Of course.
You all right?
I mean, after what
Billy did this morning?
It's fine. I don't care.
- I'm Orystal.
- I know.
Everyone knows who you are.
You don't like
to talk much, do you?
Or is itjust that you
don't like talking to me?
What do you want?
I just want to say
I'm sorry, that's all.
- Oh, you were a part of that?
- No, but they're my friends.
- The guys who did it.
- Nice friends you have.
Well, better to
have no friends at all?
Honestly? Yeah.
Yeah, it is. Yeah.
You know that's why you
get so much shit, right?
The way you act like
you're smarter than everyone.
Well, I don't torment
people I don't know.
- I thought you said you didn't care.
- I'm talking about Troy.
Since you can't apologize
to him for this morning,
I guess apologizing to me
is enough to make yourself
feel better, right?
You know what?
I was really wrong.
You're definitely
not smarter than us.
And why is that?
Because Troy was my friend.
How'd you know Troy?
Are you apologizing to me now?
No.
You really don't care
what people think, do you?
No.
- That's a nice trick.
- Thanks.
I studied in the far East.
Maybe you could
show me how it's done.
Step one:
Years of ridicule.
What if I start
by sitting next to you?
It's probably not a good idea.
I'll take my chances.
- How do you eat that stuff?
- This?
Pretty much in the standard way.
You know, if I ate that every day,
I'd have a big, fat ass.
Is that your greatest fear?
No, but...
...it's my mom's greatest wish.
- That you be fat?
- No. Just fatter than her, anyway.
Sounds healthy.
Is it true that you found Troy?
- Why?
- I'm just...
...wondering what really happened.
- Just wondering?
You want me to tell you
a bunch of gory details, is that it?
It's impossible
trying to talk to you.
You know,
I read this statistic
that the average kid
sees something like...
... dead bodies
on TV before he turns .
Is that what it was like?
Like TV?
No.
It was nothing
like that at all, really.
How'd you know Troy?
Listen, Dean, I should
have asked you this...
Jesus! Orystal, just suck
his dick, why don't you?
- Billy.
- Did you ask him?
- Ask me what?
- Both of you guys get out of here, OK?
Oh. I don't
think she asked him.
Ask me what?
What are they talking about?
Here's the deal, psycho.
Troy has something we need,
and since you guys were
such good butt-buddies,
you're gonna go get it for us.
Get what?
Orystal, what's going on?
Pills, dipshit.
Pills, go get us the pills
and maybe I won't
have to kick your ass.
Orystal, you were right.
I'm really not as smart
as I thought I was.
I really believed you, you know?
- Wait, Dean...
- You were right about something else.
It's not that
I don't like talking.
No. It's just that
I don't like talking to you.
When I am designing
a family room,
or an outdoor seating area,
I think,
"What is the principle?"
- The principle?
- The guiding principle.
And I know you don't
think in these terms...
It's about balance.
It's all about balance.
Right.
- Michael.
- Yes, Terri?
Oan you pick up
Oharlie from school?
I think I'm gonna be here
a little while longer.
OK, sure.
Believe me, if I told you
the story of how we met,
I mean, you saw
the scar on his head?
He was almost killed.
And I rushed over...
Hey, listen, Lou...
Hey, just because you're the mayor,
it doesn't mean
you're above the law.
You have to let Terri
move on with her life.
You have to move on, yourself.
You might want to pay
that ticket right away.
I'd hate to have
to hit you with a warrant.
Hold on, Lou.
Let's talk about this.
- Two "F's" in Stiffle?
- Hurry up.
There's two Stiffles.
What?
There's two Stiffles.
Dean and Oharlie.
Who the hell's Oharlie?
F/A- Hornet.
Perfect vision. It's a gift.
Which one of you
is Oharlie?
- You're Oharlie?
- Yeah.
Damn. You're teeny-tiny.
- Hey, you wanna come with us?
- No way.
Look what we got.
What?
- Goddamn it, Lee.
- There he is.
Oome here.
Who the hell's that?
That is Dean's brother.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Shit. My parents.
- Those kids again, Lee?
- We're doing a group project.
With them, Lee? You think
they care what grades you get?
- Mom.
- Look, son,
you let your grades go now, maybe
you don't get into a top-tier school.
- Yeah.
- You don't get into a top-tier school,
maybe you got to settle
for a second-rate job.
Maybe you don't have
the life you want.
Maybe each and every day you wake up
and wanna crawl back into bed
and tell the world
to go to hell.
We're just saying, you've worked
too hard to blow it in your last year.
We've all worked hard together.
So, come on, champ,
hop in the car.
It's for school.
Just look at our little man.
All right, Lee.
All right.
Sorry about that, Mr. Parker.
Oan someone please
answer the goddamn phone?
Hello?
Ask for Dean.
Is Dean there, please?
Yes, he is.
Who may I say is calling?
- It's Billy.
- One moment, please.
Dean?
Telephone.
Telephone, honey.
Some boy named Billy.
All right!
- What?
- Dean?
- What do you want?
- We got Oharlie.
- Who?
- Your brother.
- We kidnapped your brother.
- What are you talking about, man?
I got him right now.
He's scared shitless.
Why did you kidnap my brother?
So you know I'm not fucking around.
I want the stuff from Troy.
- I all ready told you...
- I don't think you're listening.
You are going
to get me Troy's drugs.
- Or what?
- Don't push me, psycho.
- Or what?
- I'll kill him. I'm gonna kill him.
I'm not fucking around, man.
I swear to God!
I'll cut off
his fucking head!
Fine. Kill him.
- What did he say?
- Maybe he really is crazy.
- What did he say?
- He said for us to kill him.
So, who are you guys calling?
Your brother.
- Who?
- Your brother, Dean.
I don't have a brother.
- Oharlie Stiffle?
- Oharlie Bratley.
Michael. Honey?
Oharlie, Mom's home.
Oharlie. Do I see
your sheet music not put away?
Oharlie, do I need
to make dinner?
Oharlie?
You're supposed to be
the smart one, Lee.
We all messed up.
Just forget it already, OK?
It's this one right here.
Thanks for the ride.
And the burger too.
Wait.
- I gotta get home...
- Will you shut up a minute?
Billy, he has
nothing to do with Dean.
Maybe that doesn't matter.
Oharlie?
Oharlie?
Honey, please open the door.
OK, I know this whole wedding thing
is not easy for you,
but it's not like I'm asking you
to think of Michael as your father.
Lou will always be your father.
- We're up here.
- Terri, I'm glad you're home.
I had to leave work.
It's this book.
I just can't put it down.
- I was really hoping...
- Wonderful, honey. A little later?
Sweetheart, would you
open another bottle for us?
OK.
What does he do? Really?
And is he...? He is.
Yeah, well, I guess
I could meet him, at least.
Honey, I have to go. A bunch of
handsome young men just came to visit.
OK. Oiao, baby.
- Hello, boys.
- Hi, Mrs. Falls.
It's Jerri, please.
- Who's this?
- That's Oharlie.
Well, hello, Oharlie.
I don't think we've met.
Hi.
So what sort of trouble
are you kids up to tonight?
We kidnapped Oharlie to blackmail this
guy into giving us a stash of drugs.
Very funny.
Except, we got the wrong one.
We wanted to get Oharlie Stiffle,
- but we ended up getting Oharlie...
- Bratley.
Oharlie Bratley.
Wait a minute, Bratley? Is...?
Is your mother Terri Bratley,
the designer,
Terri's Interior Visions?
Isn't she getting married
to the mayor on Sunday?
- He's gonna stay here tonight, OK?
- Sure. No problem.
Oan I get you anything?
Some blankets, pillows...
- Mom, we're fine.
- OK.
And what is this?
- It's a tuba.
- Wow.
- Maybe we could have a concert later?
- Mom.
OK.
You kids have fun.
I am gonna put on my bikini.
Anybody wants
to go for a swim...
But if you leave a message, I'll get
back to you as soon as I possibly can.
Hi, Terri. Mrs. Bratley, I'm sorry.
Your machine just cut me off.
My name is Jerri Falls, and I live
in the Ocean Orest development.
Anyway, I...
- This is Terri Bratley...
- Hi, I'm Jerri Falls...
- Hello?
- Dean?
Jesus. Oan't you guys
just leave me alone?
- I'd love to, but I can't.
- Oh, yeah? Why not?
- I need your help.
- Yeah, I doubt that.
- You know it all, huh?
- What do you want?
You know how Billy said
he kidnapped your brother?
Yeah, that was
a pretty lame bullshitjob, huh?
Well, it wasn't all bullshit.
He did take a kid.
He just took the wrong one.
Wrong what?
The wrong kid.
Even though it has nothing
to do with you now,
he won't let him go.
I don't believe you.
Hold on.
Oharlie! Oharlie!
Billy, get off of him.
Oharlie, come here.
- Hello?
- Who is this?
This is Oharlie Bratley.
- Did those guys kidnap you?
- I think so.
- That sucks.
- I guess.
- Where do you live?
- Sunnycrest.
What do you mean?
I live on Sunnycrest.
Yeah. I know.
Put Orystal back on the phone.
Are you guys just fucking
with me again, or is this real?
No, I think this is pretty real.
- Yes?
- Hi. Is Oharlie here?
He's not really in a talking mood.
- But he is here.
- I'm sorry. Who are you?
- I'm Dean.
- Isn't it kind of late?
It's for school.
OK. Oome right in.
See if he'll talk to you, at least.
His room is right there
at the top of the stairs.
- So, you're a friend of Oharlie's?
- No, not exactly. No.
Yeah. Oharlie doesn't have
a lot of friends yet.
He's not really socially gifted.
But he's a good kid, basically.
- Listen, I just...
- Good night. Thanks for coming.
No, no, no. I'm still here.
Wait, I've got an idea.
Have you eaten yet?
Why don't you stay for dinner?
Honey, I don't think tonight
is the best night.
But I can get that
special-ordered, right?
Oh, Michael.
I don't care if you have
to fly it in from the moon.
Have it here by Sunday.
Thank you.
Terri, wait. Wait.
Is there anything else?
Yeah. Oould you
tell Oharlie I said goodbye?
- OK.
- OK.
Hello, Allie.
Oarrie, hi. How are you?
- Am I interrupting?
- No, come in.
I'm just in the middle
of making dinner.
- Would you like a glass of wine?
- Well, I left the car running.
I just wanted to come back
and return your dish
and say thank you.
It has been such a relief
to not have to cook lately.
Everyone has been so nice.
What?
This dish...
Oh! Oh, my God.
This is not the right one?
I got so many, I mean,
I've been driving around
all night returning them.
Like I say,
everyone has been so nice.
I don't believe
I brought over a casserole.
Oan you hang on
just one second, Oarrie?
Allie, am I making a mistake here?
Bill and I were meaning
to come over, really.
You just get so busy.
No, but I'm certain.
I mean, you came over,
we had coffee.
We talked, right?
Or am I...
...just imagining
the whole thing?
Is that what I'm doing here?
Am I just...
...imagining all of it?
I'm sorry, Oarrie.
You just get so busy sometimes.
I'm so embarrassed.
I don't know what I was thinking.
Here you are, preparing
a nice family dinner...
Would you like
to stay and eat with us?
And I come in and interrupt
everything with no reason at all.
- Why don't you stay?
- I really can't.
I have so many dishes to return.
Everyone has been just
so unbelievably nice.
- So, we'll see you on Sunday?
- Sunday?
Don't tell me that
I forgot your invitation too?
Troy's memorial.
It's this Sunday.
Of course, Oarrie.
Right. We're looking forward...
We'll be there.
And...
...I wanted to let you know,
just in case you were wondering...
Yes?
In no way, whatsoever,
do I blame you for Troy's death.
Good night.
Orystal, come over here.
We're gonna have a concert.
- I'm fine here, Mom.
- Baby, don't be shy.
She's been filling out
a little bit lately.
Which is completely
natural for your age.
I just hope I look
as good as you at Mom.
Go ahead, Oharlie.
Yeah?
I mean, you are right?
Actually, I'm
sweetheart, you know that.
- You're ?
- Anytime, Oharlie.
I don't have my sheet music.
The only one I know
by heart is Tequila.
Well, for someone almost
you look great, Mom.
Well, thank you so much, sweetheart.
- years old. Wow.
- There's no real... I don't know.
The marching band,
the melody doesn't go to the tuba.
- We know the tune. We'll recognize it.
- More wine, Jerri?
I would love some.
You are such a charmer.
Did you know I'm going
to the Air Force after graduation?
- Did you know that?
- No.
They accepted me for
the pilot training program.
Just like your dad, right?
No. No, he was just a mechanic.
He couldn't even pass the eye test,
but me, perfect vision.
/ .
- It's a gift.
- It's wonderful.
Just wonderful.
- Miss Falls?
- Jerri, please.
Any time. Let's do it.
The Ohumscrubber.
I live in the city.
In an apartment above
the cloud left by the blast.
I'm one of the lucky ones.
One morning,
I woke to find that my head
was no longer attached to my body.
I'm not dead,
but who could call this a life?
Get ready to die.
So I did what I had to do.
In a world of freaks
and subhuman creatures...
...I became the Ohumscrubber.
Ohumscrubber.
- Hello?
- Orystal?
- Yeah, it's me.
- Hi...
Listen, I just want
to ask you something.
When this whole thing is over
and we see each other
at school, or wherever...
Yeah?
I don't really
know how to say this...
No, what is it?
Well, it's...
Oan you just...
...leave me alone?
- What?
- No, I mean it.
- Leave me alone.
- I didn't mean for this all to happen.
Don't try to act
like you know me.
Don't bother me,
don't ever talk to me again.
Why the hell would I want
to talk to someone like you?
Exactly.
I'll get you
Troy's pills tomorrow.
Let's go, Michael. We have
a million things to do today.
Terri, could we
slow down for a minute?
- I was up all night...
- Morning!
I really want
to talk to you about this book.
Oertainly a lot of activity
around your house lately.
Well, I am getting
married tomorrow.
I know.
That's just so wonderful.
I did want to ask,
I don't mean to be rude...
- Go ahead.
- Well...
Your people are parking
just wherever they like.
And the cleaning crew?
Those Mexican folks,
they backed right into my yard.
Look, you can see.
Just right up over the flowers.
Not a word of apology.
You mind if we deal
about this a little bit later on?
I didn't mean to cause
a problem, especially now,
while you're preparing
for your wonderful wedding.
I have a million things to do today.
I know what you mean,
because I'm having the service
for my son tomorrow
and I have things
to prepare, as well.
And I will definitely
need my fair share
of parking spaces
for my guests.
- I understand.
- I don't mean to be a nuisance.
- Not at all.
- But I did want to tell you,
just in case you're wondering,
in no way, whatsoever...
Point taken!
I can't believe
the nerve of that woman.
She knew
it was my wedding this Sunday.
Oan't she find another date
for her memorial?
Dean? Honey? Breakfast!
Were you watching me?
No.
I must've been slobbering
all over myself like a retard, huh?
You look nice.
I bet.
- Oome smoke with me.
- OK.
Have a seat, it's all ready.
- Turn off your game now.
- Shit, Mom.
What did I tell you about
swearing in this house?
- You're against it?
- Right. I am against it.
- I'm not hungry.
- Just have some eggs, then.
- OK, I've gotta go.
- What?
I've got a meeting with the agents.
We're talking foreign distribution.
Bill, it's Saturday.
I was hoping we could all
do something together as a family.
- I'm not going anywhere.
- Has anyone seen my case?
- That's a great attitude.
- Welcome.
- I just brought it out. I just had it.
- Dean, you have to eat something.
I just said I'm not hungry.
It's just a side effect
of the medication.
Isn't there a more natural way
we could treat his problem?
- My problem?
- A bunch of vitamins isn't gonna help.
They're notjust vitamins.
I could really use
an extra set of eyes here.
- I could make you some pancakes.
- Mom, no, I don't want pancakes.
I'm fine, Mom. I'm fine.
- Anyway, I have to go.
- What? No.
- Where are you going?
- Do I have to explain everything I do?
- I'm just meeting some friends.
- Really?
- Don't act too surprised, Mom.
- No, why would I be?
- 'Oause no one likes him, Mom.
- Oh, Oharlie.
Everyone thinks he's crazy.
I'm asking everyone.
Has anyone seen my case?
It's right here on the goddamn,
son-of-a-bitch counter!
All right, Mom.
- How old are you?
- Thirteen.
- Then why are you so small?
- I don't know.
Just am.
My dad put me on this
Bulk for awhile,
this powder stuff,
it ended up costing him $
but after a couple of weeks,
I got really bad diarrhea.
I ended up losing, like, eight pounds.
My dad went ballistic.
You don't smoke, do you?
Sure. Well, no.
Here's a secret.
Don't act like
somebody you're not.
You do that long enough,
you'll forget you were acting.
And so will everyone else.
I was actually thinking
of going out for marching band.
Seems that's what the chicks
are into, right?
Yeah, that's right, Billy.
Oharlie nailed me all night long.
It was unreal.
What the hell
did you do that for?
'Oause I'm a stupid bastard.
Let's get the fuck
out of this place.
Oharlie...
My mom gave this to me
on my th birthday.
I always hated
this stupid thing.
Hello, Debbie?
It's Oarrie. Johnson.
Oh, I guess it is early.
Right. Well, I'm calling
because I just wanted to tell you,
in case you were wondering,
that in no way, whatsoever,
do I blame you for Troy's death.
Hello, Timmy?
Is your mommy there?
Well, can you take
a message, sweetie?
All right, write this down.
In no way...
Don't ignore me, Dean.
I didn't know we were entertaining.
We're just going
to my room for a while.
Who's the kid?
- Oharlie.
- Damn, you're teeny-tiny.
I'm holding him for ransom.
Yeah, I should probably get home.
My mom's getting married tomorrow.
I was married once.
Problem was,
if my wife never really...
We're just gonna go inside.
I'm sorry.
Oome on, let's go.
Oome here, shitballs.
I'm gonna teach you something.
Oome here.
Oome here.
Listen, if someone tries
to kick your ass in high school...
To be honest, you're probably
gonna get your ass kicked anyway.
But if you weren't such a pussy,
you could try this.
All right. Oome at me
like you're gonna hit me in the chest.
Hit me right here in the chest.
Oome on, hit me right here.
No, man, like really do it
like you got a pair.
Really do it.
Oome on, come on.
Billy!
That was good. That was good.
- He's about half your size.
- Are you all right?
Are you fucking kidding me?
What are we doing here?
We're fucking kidnapping this kid.
Am I the only one
that fucking remembers that?
You're such a dick, Billy.
What the hell is wrong with you?
Billy, get off of him!
Hey!
Who put that knife in the wall?
I did.
- You're gonna fix that.
- It's my room.
No, this is not your room.
This is a room in my house.
This is my room.
So then you can fix it.
Oome on. Oome on.
- I'm getting concerned about Oharlie.
- Oh, yeah?
Yeah, he just seems
so angry lately.
Jeez, it's the florist.
Yeah, you're running
a little behind?
No kidding.
How about a little fired?
- How is he with you? Any better?
- I haven't seen him much lately.
- You must've talked yesterday.
- No, we didn't talk at all.
Jerri Falls?
Then that is just plain rude. I'm gonna
have to have a little talk with him.
See that one? It's not bad,
if you're on a budget.
What's rude?
Jesus, this woman keeps calling me.
When you picked Oharlie up.
- When?
- From school.
He wasn't there.
What do you mean?
You didn't pick him up?
I figured he walked.
I saw you guys talking last night.
Oome on. This is ridiculous.
Oh, goddamn it.
I see you, Lou!
Don't think I don't
see what you're doing.
Oan't you see I don't
fucking love you anymore?
Let's go. Ohop, chop.
Look at this.
The First Oouple of Hillside
right here at my front door.
- Hello.
- Hi, I'm Terri Bratley.
- Nice to meet you.
- This is my fiancê, Michael.
Of course, I know the mayor.
It is an honor, sir, an honor.
I apologize
for any inconvenience with Oharlie.
It has been such a pleasure
getting to know your son.
He is such a nice boy.
- And he's so talented and so nice.
- Thank you.
- I really like him, he's lovely.
- Is he all set?
- Oharlie!
- Well, actually...
They just went
gallivanting off somewhere.
I'm sure he's fine.
They're having so much fun together.
I'm sure. It's just that I have
a million things to do today.
- My God. This house.
- What? What's wrong?
This is where we met.
This is where it all started.
- This is... This is where...
- Oh, you're right, Michael.
- You're absolutely right.
- What an amazing coincidence.
Believe me. If I told you
the story of how we met...
- You saw the scar on his head?
- Yes.
He was almost killed
and I rushed over, it was so romantic.
It's the perfect arrangement.
I'll design the next development,
he'll fast-track the permits.
It doesn't hurt
that he's so good-looking, right?
- A woman only gets married once, right?
- Yes.
And if that doesn't work out,
it's a woman's prerogative
to go all out on the next one.
Will there be very many
single men at your wedding?
- Well, would you like to come?
- I would...
- Would that be OK?
- Of course, I don't see why not.
That would be...
Oh, my God.
Michael, what happened?
- Nothing, nothing.
- Did you fall in the pool?
No, I... Yes, I fell in.
I'm gonna get you a towel.
What's the matter with you?
Something big is happening.
What?
I feel like there's
another person inside me.
Jesus Ohrist, get a hold of yourself.
This is embarrassing.
You should really take your shirt off.
You're gonna catch a cold.
Is that good? You're so wet.
We're leaving.
Is he...? Is he OK?
He's fine.
He just hasn't eaten all day.
- He's a diabetic.
- I'm not a diabetic.
If your energy level is low,
I have these wonderful vitamins...
What the hell's wrong with you?
Psycho.
- Hello?
- Orystal?
I got it. Let's just meet at the
Promenade and get this over with.
I don't know how we got here,
but I just wanted to say I'm sorry.
My dad would probably say
there's some great
cosmic reason for all this.
And we'll all be better people, right?
Well, I don't know.
My dad also says I'm crazy.
Dean, you're not crazy.
There are several major book chains
around the country
that would probably
disagree with you on that point.
I'm my dad's favorite subject and...
I have to go.
- Dean.
- I'll meet you at the mall.
It's just a beer, Mom.
You don't have to explain
yourself to me. I trust you.
I wonder what that would be like.
If we could just switch roles and...
...you could be the parent
and I would be the child
and you could tell me what to do
and I would listen to you
and I would trust you.
Are you OK?
I'm supposed to be making
a casserole now
for Troy's memorial service.
I don't know
what's wrong with me.
My basic energy level's
been noticeably low lately.
Mom, I'm sorry.
- I have to go.
- Nope.
Do not explain yourself to me,
I told you not to do that.
F- Tigershark.
He's here.
Took you long enough.
Here, this is
everything Troy had.
Is this the kid?
Yeah, that's him.
- All right, let's go.
- All right.
Fine.
Wait a minute. Wait.
- What?
- What is this shit?
- What? It's all there.
- VeggiForce?
- What are you doing?
- Yeah, this whole bag here.
You trying to give me
stupid vitamins?
They're notjust vitamins.
No, no.
This is an entirely new life system.
Billy, leave him alone.
- Kick his ass.
- Shit.
Billy, get off of him.
Stop! Stop it.
What are you doing to him?
- That dude's crazy.
- I saw the whole thing.
- He started hitting for no reason.
- Let go of me!
Get off of me!
You stay right here.
Honey, honey call the cops.
Orystal! Hey!
Get off of me! Orystal!
OK, so, now, you want to tell me
about this fight at the mall?
No, not really.
Dean, make an effort for me, please.
I'm sure there is a reasonable
explanation for this, officer.
I'm all ears.
Dean?
The guy at the mall was Billy.
He and the other two forced me
to steal drugs from Troy.
Troy? Who's this Troy?
- Troy Johnson. He's dead.
- He committed suicide, sir.
I don't understand.
I told them no, so to force me to do it,
they kidnapped my brother.
Wait, are you kidding me?
You got a son who's kidnapped?
No, wait a second, listen.
They got the wrong kid.
They said if I didn't get the stuff
from Troy, they were gonna kill him.
- You just said Troy was dead.
- He is, officer.
- Dean...
- So I did it, only Oharlie...
...my little brother, Oharlie,
switched the drugs on me.
And I wound up with a bag
of my mom's VeggiForce.
- VeggiForce?
- It's this vitamin line that she hocks.
VeggiForce! I know that stuff.
Right, I know, VeggiForce, right. OK.
Yeah. You don't know,
do they make a weight gainer for kids?
- I could check, I guess.
- Anyway, that's why we got in a fight.
- 'Oause he wouldn't let the kid go.
- Which kid?
The kid who was kidnapped.
OK. I think I understand.
You were fighting
with a guy who's kidnapping
and drug smuggling
with a guy who killed himself.
- Yeah.
- Well, that's great, Dean, you know?
Only there don't happen to be
any reports around here of missing kids,
so how do you explain that?
I can't. I can't explain that.
Officer, can I...?
What's his name,
this missing kid? What's his name?
- Oharlie.
- Oharlie what?
Officer Bratley,
could you step outside a minute?
- I'd like to talk to you in private.
- Officer Bratley?
Oan you make
some sense out of this?
- I believe I can, yes.
- All right.
- You stay put.
- Yeah.
I kinda wanna go home now.
I'm not having fun anymore.
Billy.
Well, at least
let me set you a plate.
Listen, I spoke to a colleague
of mine at the hospital.
These are a stronger version
of what I've already given you,
but, listen,
they're perfectly safe, OK, pal?
Look, Terri, if I could
just talk to you here.
Michael, I'm just gonna take a bath, OK?
- It's been a long day.
- Terri, we have to talk!
Michael, I have done absolutely
everything to prepare for our wedding.
Everything!
All you have to do is show up.
OK? That's it. Show up.
Please don't leave me,
please don't leave me.
- You are gonna listen to me.
- No.
It's about the day we met.
There's something
I never told you.
Have you seen my son, Oharlie?
Hillside is growing.
And this is what it's all about.
This new Ocean Orest development
is exactly what...
I am so sorry about this, Mr. Mayor.
Michael.
I'm Terri.
Bratley,
from Terri's Interior Visions and...
...I actually designed all of this.
Wonderful.
I feel... I feel so different.
Look at this. The footprints...
- Yeah?
- Look, it's like...
- Yeah, look at this.
- Like dolphins.
Dolphins, that's right.
Dolphin.
"To begin, each of us alike,
to actually conjure magic.
This must finally be our goal
as free-willed beings.
The joyous acceptance
of a pure state of synchronicity,
through the seemingly random
happy accidents of our lives."
Don't you see?
Nothing is random.
Nothing happens by chance.
There is a power at work here.
A power greater than all of us.
Don't you see what this means?
I just love you so much.
I was so scared.
Tomorrow...
...l'll show you everything.
Yes, I am Dr. Stiffle. Yeah.
You know my book?
So you've heard of me?
And my book.
Yes, yes. I see that
you are familiar with my work.
"To actually conjure magic."
- Terri?
- Honey.
Now, do you see my vision?
Dean, Oharlie, breakfast.
- It's not coming off.
- I thought you understood.
Do we have any paint thinner?
Go to the garage and look for some.
- Paint thinner.
- Paint thinner?
Or maybe some white paint?
We'll just put a coat
of white paint over all of it...
- And no one'll see it.
- You're not making any sense.
- Why in the world would you do that?
- Don't answer it.
- Don't answer it.
- You need to calm down.
- Where's the beautiful bride?
- Hello. Oome in.
How wonderful, the dress.
Guys, I really need to
talk to you about something.
Where are the keys?
It's about that kid, Oharlie.
I think we kinda kidnapped him.
Here they are.
That's not funny, Lee.
Listen to me!
We've had him since Friday.
I don't know what to do.
All right, let's just calm down.
I'm sure you didn't have a part
of whatever those kids
are doing down there.
Itjust started out as a joke. I didn't
think Billy was really gonna do it.
- A joke?
- Wait a minute.
Is this a kidnapping or not?
That sort of thing
doesn't happen around here.
If it is,
I'm going to have to call the police.
- The police?
- In our home?
Just a minute.
I'm talking to Lee.
Lee, is it a joke or not?
No. It's nothing.
No, you don't have to call anybody.
Well, I, for one,
did not find that very funny at all.
And neither would a top-tier school.
You guys, just go.
Everything is totally fine.
Our little man.
Yeah, we'll always be here for you.
I don't know why
it came to me as a dolphin.
It's just a sign.
It could have been anything.
But now I'm aware
of a connection
that I didn't
even know was missing.
Maybe we've all been missing it.
Lou, I'm so glad you're here.
- We need to talk.
- Now is not a good time.
Talk to Lou. We need
to get some closure here.
Olosure? Where's Oharlie?
Where is he?
Excuse me, could you help me
hold up this end, please?
Hey, I'm getting married today.
I love Michael now,
I thought I made that perfectly clear.
- Where is Oharlie?
- I don't know...
- Why don't you know? Is he missing?
- No, he's not missing!
- Where is he?
- He is just out gallivanting.
Gosh, darn it, honey,
you pierced his dorsal.
Let's see some fuckin' blood, already.
I probably would've been with some
football player, if I hadn't met you.
And I guess I just want to thank you
for keeping it interesting for me.
It's definitely not the usual thing.
Who wants that, right?
What the fuck
are you talking about?
Let's just stop, Billy.
Let's just quit this thing with Oharlie,
forget about the pills.
And everything. Let's just stop.
OK?
It's over.
Sit down!
Guess it doesn't matter what you think.
Lee.
Good. Sit right down,
what can I get you?
Oharlie, Bill!
It's getting cold.
Good morning.
Do you think that's appropriate
for a memorial service?
I think I'll shoot on over
to the wedding instead.
What are you talking about?
I covered death
extensively in my first two books.
I've done grieving to death.
Maybe I'll get a few insights
at the wedding.
Multiple marriage couples.
Gotta be a new book in there.
How is it going to look
if we don't go to the memorial?
If it means that much,
you go ahead and go.
We should all go
together as a family.
I understand your feelings. Maybe
you could make the same effort for me.
Dean, it looks like
you have a choice to make.
The wedding with him
or the memorial with me.
Dean, it's your decision,
him or me.
I think it's best
if he stayed home today.
He can make up his mind.
He's practically an adult.
As a therapist, it's my opinion
that he should avoid anything upsetting.
As a mother, it's fucking important he
learn how to function in the real world.
I'm not going to get into an argument
with you now.
Let's not argue.
Let's sit down and have a meal together.
- Hello?
- Hi, is Dean here?
- It's for school.
- Well, go ahead then.
He's up the stairs
at the end of the hall.
Oould you do me a favor?
Would you get him to turn down his
stereo down a bit? Thanks so much.
Orystal, come on in.
Dean, I need your help.
- It's Troy, look, Troy's back.
- That's not funny.
Orystal, you remember Troy?
You guys were friends, right?
She wasn't my friend.
Is that what she said?
Oh, Troy says
you guys weren't friends.
Dean, there's nobody here.
Tell her to fuck off.
I don't think Troy wants
to see you right now.
Troy is dead.
I mean, he killed himself.
No, no, no. He's back.
He's not dead.
- Troy, tell her you're not dead.
- I am not dead.
You see, Orystal?
But who could call this a life?
Here we go.
- Troy?
- Dean, stop it.
What do you want?
Look, this wasn't my fault, OK?
He didn't even tell me, OK?
He was my best friend,
and he didn't even tell me
he was gonna kill himself.
I could've stopped him.
I wish I could've stopped him.
I'm sorry.
Oharlie's gonna get hurt.
Nobody else cares.
- We become adults.
- OK.
And as adults, we formulate a plan.
This is what I need
in order to be happy,
or this is what I will struggle
and sacrifice and bleed for.
But what we really need
to do is stop struggling
and recognize that there
is a greater plan for us all.
- Is it really that easy?
- It's so clear to me, Jerri.
What we've been searching
for is right there,
staring us in the face.
We just have to reach out and grab it.
Hello.
Dr. Bill Stiffle?
In my home?
Is this really possible?
Yes, yes.
I see that you are
familiar with my work.
I just want you to know
that none of this would have
been possible without you.
Whoa! What the hell's
going on here?
If they find him,
they know we kidnapped him!
If they know we kidnapped him,
our lives are ruined.
- We go to prison.
- What do you want to do?
- I'm gonna kill him?
- Yeah.
I'm gonna fucking kill you!
Get him, Lee!
Kill him!
Yeah, motherfucker!
- He won't die!
- You are such a pussy.
He's stronger than he looks.
You do it, then.
No fucking way, Lee.
Here.
Take it.
What if he tries to grab
the knife away from me?
- Just fucking stab him quick.
- Like where?
- Stab him in the fucking stomach.
- He's gonna bleed all over the floor.
- Who fucking cares! Do it!
- Shut up!
Oome on, you little pussy. Do it!
- Don't push me.
- Stab him. Fucking kill him!
- Oh, shit!
- You stabbed me in the stomach!
I did it. I did it, Billy.
- Is it deep?
- Is it deep, Oharlie?
Fuck you!
- It isn't deep.
- Well, fucking pardon me!
Do it again!
Oome on, man! Do it!
- Do it again, Lee. Do it, man!
- Shut up!
Get him! Do it!
Holy shit!
- Let go of the knife.
- Fucking stab him again!
- Let go!
- Stab him!
- Fucking kill him.
- What are you doing!
My eye!
Oh, shit!
Help!
Help me!
Gonna kill you!
Gonna fucking kill you!
Wait. Oharlie, hold on.
Yeah, it's not my fault.
It's not like I wanted to do this.
Oharlie, it's over.
- Get out of the way.
- Give me the knife.
Get the hell out of the way.
Don't ignore me, Oharlie.
I want to help you.
Does it look like I need
your fucking help?
My eye!
Help!
Somebody help me!
I can't see!
Somebody help me!
Somebody help me!
I'm blind!
Help me!
Somebody help me!
Twin engine P- Lightning.
My God! Where the hell
have you been?
- What happened to you?
- I was kidnapped, Dad.
Oh, my God, you're bleeding!
Are you OK?
No, he's not OK.
He just told me he was kidnapped.
- You didn't even know.
- Don't try to blame this on me.
- Michael.
- What kind of father are you?
- I'm a good father.
- I'm a good mother. That's right.
It's my fault.
I know it is.
I didn't even know him.
I didn't know my own son.
Troy wanted to play guitar
in a rock band.
Be famous.
But he knew he wasn't any good.
And he felt stupid
for wishing that.
He had a crush on this girl
since he was ...
...that he never talked to.
But he probably
wished he would've.
He liked you.
But he felt sorry for you and...
...he was afraid
that he'd be like his dad.
He was really, really smart.
But he kept all
his ideas to himself,
unless you asked.
And he took great pictures of people
without them even knowing.
I miss him, you know?
He was my friend.
He was my best friend.
And I hate myself,
that I didn't even know
he was about to do this.
Thank you.
Lee explained how it happened.
He tried to be as helpful as he could.
Yes, ma'am. It was Billy's idea.
He said he'd kill me if I told anyone.
And so Billy learned not to be a bully.
Dr. Stiffle's book tour
kept him away.
Are there any questions?
Anything?
Anybody?
Mrs. Stiffle finally found a family
that truly appreciated her.
We are a part
of the VeggiForce family.
All of us together,
working for an entirely
new life system!
Terri got the worst of it.
I'm just asking you to have
the smallest amount of vision.
Her vision was never realized.
Please!
The mayor got out of politics for good.
Well, in terms
of the physical execution,
there's only one guiding principle
that I rely on,
and that's balance.
I mean, it's all about balance.
- Hi, baby.
- Hi.
And Oharlie was sent
to live with his father.
Breathe! Oome on,
get tough. Get tough.
Get tough. Those people
are gonna beat the crap out of you.
Punch, smack that guy with both hands,
right in the mouth.
Oome on, push!
Yeah. That's it, that's it.
Everyone says he's better off now.
Dean and Orystal escaped.
Together.
And as for me...
I was dead...
but now I live again.
So I will do what I have to,
in this world of freaks
and sub-human creatures.
And this time,
I will not be ignored.
I am...
...the chumscrubber.