Voila! Finally, the Club Dread
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Broken Lizard movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Club Dread. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
Screaming, Laughing
I can't believe you invited that guy.
Mock English Accent He's such a bloody wanker.
Oh, cut it out, Rolo. God! Why are you always makin' fun of him?
Give me a break. Sissy Brit.
- Who the hell talks like that? - " Laughing "
- "You're such a jerk, Rolo." - You're gonna love this shit.
Chuckles Pure Costa Rica Freaka.
- Ow! - Hey, Stacy...
while I torch this baby, how about you lick my chest?
Oh. Chuckles
- Chuckling - " Twig Snaps "
- Hey, what about my nipples? - Shut up! Someone's watching us.
Apeeper, huh? My kind of guy.
- Rolo, I'm serious. It creeped me out. - All right, all right.
I know a place more private...
- and romantic. - Oh. Chuckles
Ow!
Check it out.
- What do you think? - Ooh!
Should we be doin' this here?
I mean, isn't this, like, sacred or something?
What? No, they're dead.
You got any objections, Ricky?
Spanish Accent I think you should give it to her, "senor."
- Laughing - " Bushes Rustling "
There he is again.
This guy's gonna be picking his teeth out of my dump.
- Yells - " Stacy Gasps "
Stacy, this guy doesn't even have teeth.
- Chuckling - Screeching
Both Scream
Watch the hair, asshole!
- " Stacy Laughing " - Goddamn monkeys.
- Roars - Screams
Gasps, Laughs Oh, my God!
Who needs a love potion? I whipped up something extra tasty.
Ow!
So, where are we gonna do this?
I don't wanna get caught in the middle of a cemetery.
Let's at least go inside that old mausoleum.
Mm-hmm.
- Wow. - Chuckling
- "Wow." - "Check this out."
Laughs
Yelling
Grunting, Laughing
Oh. Looks like we don't need you anymore.
Both Moaning
- " Door Closes " - Both Scream
Rolo "What the"...
It was probably just the wind.
Okay, we're back in.
- " Rolo Chuckles " - Whoo!
Heads or tails?
- Mmm... heads. - Oh!
- What's "tails"? - You don't wanna know.
Moaning
Sword Unsheathing
What is it? Too waxy?
Shh. I heard something.
Was it, um, a strange sucking sound?
Chuckles Oh!
Say, what do you think about smacking me in the face a couple of times?
Not hard. Well, kinda hard.
Chuckles What do you say?
- No. - Oh, come on.
- No! - Oh, come on, Kelly.
- It's not like I'm asking you to eat my crap. - No!
- Just slug me. - Both Screaming
- Over here! - No, this way!
Gasping
Screaming
Panting
- " Reggae, Distant " - " Chattering, Distant "
Gasps
- Horn Blowing - " So"ft "Rock "
Man All right. Here we go.
Continues
Over P.A. Welcome to Pleasure Island.! I'm your host, Coconut Pete.
Put your bags down and meet me at the pool for a nice drink.
Are you ready for the time of your life?
Yeah, fiesta time.! Are you ready to party?
- "; Buenos dias.!" Lars Brunckhorst. - Right this way, my friend.
- Welcome to the island. Please, keep walking. - Listen, l...
Man Are you ready to party? Come on, now.!
Party! Who'd like to party?
- Hey, Lars Brunckhorst. - "Time to party. Welcome to the party."
- Lars Brunckhorst. - Follow the officer. Just follow the officer.
- Follow the officer. Follow the officer. - You don't understand...
Whoo-hoo! Welcome to Coconut Pete's Pleasure Island!
Now, you are here to have fun.
If you choose not to have fun, fun will be provided for you.
Cheering
Whoo-hoo!
All right, let's go have some fun now, huh? Bring it down. Bring it down.
- Left, right! Left, right! - Hey, General. Lars Brunckhorst. Listen...
- Nice fuckin' hat, pussy! - Hey, you got that bag of grass I loaned you?
Ooh, sorry. You know how it is.
Let me know when you score some more.
Chuckles Ooh!
Hey, you. I'm sorry I'm late. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
Yeah, all right. Go on.
Woman Who wants drinks? Drinks, drinks, drinks.
- " Man Yeah, I like that.!" - " Woman Bring it on.!"
Hey, Dave. Hey, Carlos.
- Hola, "Kelly." - Think you could put a little something ex-tra in my drinks?
I know ex-actly what you need.
- "There you go." - Whistling
If anyone else is eager to share the ex-perience...
I'll be around this e-vening...
- and we'll be ex-pecting them. - Okay, okay, okay. I get it.
Put it on my "tab."
- Hey, at least give me one of those margaritas. - Sorry.
They're "so" spoken for. Laughs
Mouthing Words
We're gonna go for a quick romp in the jungle before the pool party.
English Accent Oh, I don't know, Stace.
I have to play tennis soon, and, well, to be honest...
that stretch of the jungle gives me an extraordinary case of the wonky britches.
SweetJesus, you're an F-cake, Putman.
- Gasps - What the hell?
You were just telling me what a nut-cup this guy is.
Stacy I did not.!
Man Over P.A. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls...
- "your host and rock and roll's" favorite son... - " Guitar "
Coconut Pete.!
Applause
Coconut Pete Welcome to Pleasure Island.!
Man Over P.A. Whoo-hoo.!
I love you, Coconut Pete!
Oh! Well, I guess you all heard this one, huh?
- Cheering - Back you go, dickweed!
I guess you also know that I took this song and turned it...
into a beautiful reality.
- This gorgeous group of people behind me is our staff. - Cheering
And they're here to take care of you in more ways than one.!
Now, you came here to escape civilization...
and we're gonna hold you to it.
Your cell phones won't work here. There are no fax machines...
and most importantly of all, no strings attached!
Cheering
Horn Blowing
Blowing Whistle Coconut Pete, you're under arrest!
What are the charges, officer?
For keeping these people from enjoying free drinks at the pool from noon to : !
- Cheering - That would be a crime!
Well, you heard the man. Free drinks at the pool!
Last one in is a rotten coconut!
Animals Chittering
- Screams - Screams
- Panting - Are you all right?
Yeah. That thing just scared me a little.
It's just Welkie, the Welcome Gorilla.
These two idiots were trying to hump him, so I thought I'd stash him out here.
- I'm Jenny. - I'm Penelope.
I'm a little lost.
You look familiar. Have you ever been here before?
Oh, yeah. Um, well, no.
Huh. So where are you from?
- Uh, Nome, Alaska? - "Hmm."
I guess you just have one of those faces.
- Chuckles - Just take a right up there to get to the big path.
But you better hurry. You'll miss the drinks by the pool.
Reggae
Man Oh, Manny, look at the chassis on this one.
Oh, dude. Wanna get nailed?
Hot dudes lookin' for some gander juice.
Yeah!
- Okay, maybe later. Yeah. - I'll get back to you.
Oh, dude, look at that one, dude. Green bikini? Oh, dude.
- Look at that little cheetah. - Hair pie.
- Grunting - Barks
- Jackie O'Tripod. - Dude, what...
Oh, dude, check out that orange bikini, dude.
Oh, dude, come on.
- Do you want to be drilled by Manny? - Grunting
Laughing Bogey. Bogey.
- : noon. - Holy shit, dude.
I know that chick. "That's the chick on that TVshow"...
- "A.M. Pump Up With Amy Aerobics." - Oh, yeah. Yeah.
She's the one in the way back.
Dude, she was. But then the chick by the palm tree died...
so she got promoted to palm tree.
And then Amy Aerobics died, and so she's the new number one chick, dude.
- She's the new Amy Aerobics! - Whoa, whoa, whoa. Amy Aerobics died?
- What did she die of? - She didn't die of a fat ass, I'll tell you that, bro.
Both Laughing
What's up? Dude, don't be gay, man.
- I don't think so. - Hi.
Oh! Whoo! Hey.
- Lars Brunckhorst. I'm the new masseur. - " Jenny Hi."
- I'm Jenny. - Really nice to meet you, Jenny.
- And this is Yu. - And really nice to meet you, Yu.
- Chuckles - So you're subbing in for Inga this week?
- Yeah. - Well, you'd better be good.
Inga had some great moves. Let's see what you got.
Ooh. Chuckles
- Chanting - Both Moaning
Oh, God. Inga never did anything like that.
- Who's the fucking hippie? - I'll take that.
Hey, get your own margy.
- It's not for me. It's for our new masseur, Lars. - "Are you serious?"
We swapped out a six-foot Swedish broad for this guy?
- I'm six-one. - Cool!
Oh, don't worry about him.
He's Coconut Pete's nephew, so he thinks he can get away with murder.
At least assault with a deadly wet one.
- Whistle Blowing Who wants to limbo? - Limbo! Limbo!
Cheering
I'll show you the ropes at the club tonight.
Look for me. I'll be the cute chick behind the bar.
Roy Attention: Frankie back to Hollywood.!
- Dude, whatever. - Dude, this is you! This is you!
Chattering Continues, Indistinct
- "Bend it, don't break it." - "I'll bend anything. I'm gettin'" so fuckin'laid tonight.
- " Dance " - Chattering, Indistinct
Man Yeah, drink, sugar.! Chug it down.!
Chug it down for me.!
Man Over P.A. Hey, what's up there, you foxes and cockses?
Here comes Coconut Pete.!
Cheering
Hey, amigo. You must be Lars.
Coconut Pete. Hey, man, I really appreciate you bringing me into your life circle.
Pleasure's all mine. Say, I hear good things about your fingers.
Is that a tranquillity blouse?
Yeah, it is. It's actually the same one you wore on your album cover.
"Pink Crustaceans and Good Vibrations"?
I read a interview where you said that...
the teal and blue really kept you focused during the tough times.
That sounds like something I said back in ' .
I guess nobody told you, but, uh...
you're supposed to wear the Pleasure Sweater on luge duty.
Oh, yeah, they did, but it's actually kind of hot in here...
and it was kind of wadded up on the ground...
Just put the goddamn thing on. Hank, give Lars a hand, will ya?
Oh, yeah.
- Thanks, Hank. - Hey, Coco Pete, I have a present for you, my friend.
- You see the beautiful flower in the yellow dress? - Mmm!
Coconut Pete She's in full bloom.
She said she saw you in Tucson three years ago, th row.
Excuse me, but weren't you at one of my shows?
U of A, ' ?
- Yeah! - I remember you! You were in the...
Don't tell me... th row.
- Fourteenth row! - I have a pictographic memory for pretty faces.
Well, hey, how about the grand tour?
- Yeah, sure. - Right this way.
Hey, buddy!
Ah, Jesus Christ! That's tequila!
I was doubles partners with Andre Agassi for an entire week.
I'm the one who taught 'Dre to play Cocks and Quarters.
If you can believe it, he'd never played Cocks and Quarters.
Wow. That's interesting.
- Yeah, it's... Well, it's... - Hey, snow bunny!
- Give me a Drambuie, neat. - You got it.
Well, all alone, huh? Well, don't worry. "No woman, no cry," right, mon?
Actually, I was quite engaged until you bullied your way in here.
Yeah, I heard you. Something about, uh, Cocks and Quarters?
You know, we have that game in the States too, except we call it Hide the Sausage.
I beg your pardon? Excuse me, new fellow, please cut off this minor.
Oh, come on! If there's grass on the field, then play ball.
Right, guv'nor? Hey, Sammy, hit me!
Mmm! "Gracias," Sheriff.
Legalize it!
Man Over P.A. Hey, late night fun at the campfire in one hour.
- "And don't forget your condoms." - "Tequila.! Who wants some?"
Hey, what, are you dancing alone? Hey, sweetie. Come here.
- Gasps - Hi!
Whoo! I now pronounce you Mr. And Mrs. Funzy!
You owe me one, bro.
Uh, may I kiss the bride?
- Um... do you work here? - I do.
I'm Juan Castillo. I am dive master.
Like, cliffs, or-or...
Cliffs, rocks, boards. Whatever you wish.
Oh, that is a beautiful name. "Peenalop."
Peenalop. It's breathtaking.
Um, thank you.
So, tell me, what brings you here to us, Peenalop?
Oh, oh. I'm on spring break. I go to Oral Roberts.
Oral Roberts? Is that anything like an AnalJohnson?
'Cause, well, I've done that a few times.
Or am I thinking of a Dirty Sanchez? That's the one.
- I don't know what that is. - Uh... it's not for you.
- Gasps Oh, my God! - "Ah, yes."
A very magical place.
- Hey. - Hey, Carlos.
Make it quick. We got a lot of dishes.
Clattering
Goddamn monkeys.
Muttering In Spanish
- " Twig Snaps " - Gasps You?
Carlos, these knives are filthy. When are you gonna clean 'em?
Manana.
Sighs
- Spanish - " Clattering "
Gasps
- " Screaming " - " Coconut Pete " One, two.! One, two, three, four.!
- Whoo-hoo! - Whoo-hoo!
- All right! - Solid.
Play "Margaritaville."
Applause Stops
Excuse me?
Play "Margaritaville." I "love" that song.
Darlin', I think you're referrin' to my song "Pina Coladaburg."
No, "Margaritaville. ' Chuckles
I think you mean "Pina Coladaburg."
A little song I wrote seven and a half fucking years...
before "Margaritaville" was even on the map!
Of course, you wouldn't know that 'cause...
you weren't even born yet!
- Mock Laughter - Come on, hog shell. Let's get us a drink.
- I don't need this shit. - Come on, man.
Fuck that guy! Son of a son of a bitch!
Mother motherfucker.!
- " Dance " - Hey, Jenny.
Moaning
- Laughs God! - Sorry.
Give me a heads-up before you do that.
It's just a habit. I could see how tight you were from a mile away.
What can I say? Some girls are just tighter than others.
- Chuckles - Sorry.
Uh... So, uh, I guess I'm talkin' to a celebrity.
Congratulations. I heard you got your own fitness show?
Uh, yeah. Amy Aerobics accidentally ate some rat poison.
It was awful.
But I'm still really psyched. I've been waiting a long time for this.
- That's great. - Hey, Jen.
I will be glad to never have to do this again.
Yeah, it must be tough living in paradise.
Oh, yeah. You love it now, but just wait.
Crab legs, crab legs Rah, rah, rah
Hey, you guys ever hear the story of the Machete Maniac?
All Ooh!
Chuckles Let's hear it.
Yeah, I don't know. It's probably too scary for you guys.
- No. No, it's not. - No, come on, Dave. Please, tell us the story.
All right, what the hell.
This must've been, like, years ago, you know?
We had a kid working at the club named Phil Coletti.
And one night... it was a night a lot like tonight...
this gorgeous woman comes into the club, asks him if he wants to go out to the jungle.
He's like, "Yeah. Why not? '
So they split. And as they started getting out to the jungle...
further and further away from the lights of the club...
she starts asking him these questions, like...
does he believe in the local legends of the island...
voodoo, zombies.
He's not too worried about it.
Hejust rolls right over, starts putting the screws to her.
But something doesn't feel right to Coletti.
But he can't see shit. It's pitch black, so he just keeps bangin' away.
But then, boom!
A flash of lightning lights up the whole island, and in that one moment...
Coletti looks around and sees not only is he out in the middle of that old Mayan cemetery...
not only are all the other guys from the resort standing around watching him...
but he sees that he's having sex with a corpse.
A cold, white...
- dirty-from-the-grave dead body. - " Girl Groans "
And they say...
Phil Coletti calmly walked to the groundskeeper's shack...
found a machete...
and chopped those staff members into a hundred pieces.
And they say he took that same machete...
chopped his own dick off and ran screaming into the jungle.
Nobody ever saw him after that.
But from that point on...
Phil Coletti was forever known...
as Machete Phil.
Are you telling me there's some totally deranged, dickless dude running around out there?
All I'm saying is I don't go into the jungle alone if I can help it.
'Cause you can hear him, and I've heard him...
crying out...
"Where's my penis?
Where's my penis? Where's my penis?"
- And that boy was me! - Screaming, Laughing
You're an asshole, Putman.
- Anybody get laid tonight? - "Hey, Pete."
- I know I did. - Laughter
Say, anybody seen Rolo, Stacy or Kelly?
They're probably off screwing around in the jungle somewhere.
Well, shit. I'm gonna need somebody to run Luau Night tomorrow.
Uh, yeah, sure. I'll run Luau Night.
What, cut up a couple of pineapples, whatever.
- Yeah, great. Sam, will you run Luau Night? - Sure. Can do.
We'll get some grass mini-skirts, maybe have a poi-eating contest...
and, uh, everyone'll get laid.
- Hooting, Laughing - Sounds great. People, please.
Is it too much to ask? Have sex with the guests.
- Some of'em aren't bad-looking. - Laughter
"Hola," Peenalop!
Alarm Blaring
Panting, Gasping
- Women Laughing - " Alarm Stops "
Change!
Alarm Resumes
- All right, points. points. - Oh, good Christ!
Oh, you're dead, fucker! You little yellow prick!
You're fucked.! Grunts
- Ohh! - points!
- Fuckin' worked! - A simple tag would have sufficed.
Eat it, fuck-nut! Laughs
- Cue Pretzel. - " Alarm Continues "
Where's Pretzel?
Come on. Cue Pretzel. Cue Pretzel. Pretzel... Ah.
Pretzel!
Hey, Pretzel! Get your twisted, salty ass out here.
- Hey! - " Panting, Moaning "
Moaning Continues
"Ocupado," bro. Go!
- Mouthing Words - Moaning Continues
Sorry, Cliff. I need you in the maze.
- I'm on break. - Be happy in your work, Pear.
Shit.
Moaning Continues Loudly
Eh, yeah. Hey, look, I salty, yeah?
- Wait. What's your name? - Listen, "mami," I call you later, all right?
- Bye. - Laughing
- Screams - Gasps Shit!
- Mutters - " Woman I got you.!"
Whoa.!
Panting
Huh?
Groaning
Chattering, Laughing
Reggae
- " Sword Unsheathes " - Hello?
Hello?
Yells
Chanting
- "Lars?" - Huh?
Oh. Sorry. I was just in the middle of my Qi Kung.
Wow. Qi Kung? Karate Yell
- Whoa! - I should have you on my show.
- I guess you're not just into massage, are you? - Yeah, well...
I mean, body work's still my life, but I've also done the Dianetic thing.
Spent a little time in the Forum.
Did a little Falun Gong in Bang Chow.
- But you know who's got a great philosophy? - Who?
Coconut Pete.
Have a good time all the time.
- Together Always eat the worm. - Totally.
- "Sign our asses.! Sign our asses.!" - "Sign our asses.!"
- What do you know about "Feng Chi?" - Um, nothing.
- Snoring Panda. - Snoring
Not to be confused with "Linou Gano..."
- "the Leaking Turtle." - "Oh, my God.!"
- Don't try that in public. - Dude!
Hey, guys, I'm gonna send you back over there.
- You'll get plenty of signatures, all right? - Come on, hop.
Go ahead. Chuckles
- Come on, hop! - " Jenny That's amazing."
It's all really about connecting your meridians.
We all have energy that flows through us, and it's all connected by buttons.
So, what other buttons can you push?
Tian-Tu.
- Moans - The Heaven Point.
Moaning Fuck me!
Damn.! Giggles
Maybe I should take you home with me.
I don't know if I'd fit in your luggage. Oh, shit!
"What the"... Oh, my God.!
- Carlos? - What's he doin' up in the air?
- It's gonna be okay, dude. - I'm not getting a pulse.
Jenny "Naughty Carlos'?
Boat Departing
Who's driving the boat?
You really never played this game as a kid?
We had a cheap Nicaraguan version called Circle Eater.
- But, you know... - " Whimpering "
Are you trying to tell us something, boy? Is Timmy trapped in a well?
Come on!
- You must come quick! - Follow the banana!
- " Whistle Blowing " - Follow the banana, follow the banana
- Follow the banana - Oh!
Juan Oh, man.!
Cliff.
Dave Oh.!
"Game Over'Sound
Jenny Who would do something like this?
I mean, who the fuck would wanna come here and do something like this?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Come on. Settle down, now.
- You're makin' a scene. - There's a bloody killer on the island.
I know who it is. It's Machete Phil, come out from the jungle.
Cool it, Juanny. You know that's just a bullshit story for the guests.
Hey, it looks like everybody else is okay.
But you gotta see what someone did to my activities board.
- All Gasping - Oh, my God!
Chattering
Dave Reading "Do yourjobs and live.
Tell the guests and die'?
"Cause everybody's looking to find their own paradise."'
Coconut Pete What the hell does that mean?
- We have to get off the island. - We have to get everyone off the island.
Gasps
Ahh! Okay.
Okay, the radio's smashed, and we got no boats.
- No boats? - How could somebody steal both boats?
"I don't know. L"... "I mean, the" Smilin' Smuggler...
Iooked like it was just driving around on its own.
- What? On its own? - And that phone line had definitely been cut?
It sure as shit was not chewed up by jungle rats.
- We have jungle rats? - Okay, what are we gonna tell the guests?
- Nothing. I mean, you saw the board. - He's right.
We tell the guests there's some crazed maniac on the island with no way off?
We're gonna have a hundred crazed maniacs running around.
What about the sign on Cliff? I mean, it clearly said, "staff only."
I mean, that means he's targeting us.
- Overlapping Chatter - I don't understand.
Why are they coming after us?
- " Slurping " - Chatter Stops
Ahhh.
When you're all done with your little pink panty meltdown let me know...
'cause I'd like to get down to business.
I thought it was time to bring in the pro.
- Hank? - Yes, Hank.
- The head of security on all my tours. - "So, what?"
He keeps aging hippies from stealing the bong out of your tour bus?
It just so happens Hank used to be a federal agent.
Yeah, that's right. Headed an F.B.I. Task force on serial killers.
Single-handedly caught the Minneapolis Mangler.
- Who's the Minneapolis Mangler? - Exactly.
Pete, you are aware that I personally have served this guy...
twenty beers a day for the last years, right?
Hey, I was in Nicaragua, junior!
When you can stuff your intestines back in your pockets...
and walk klicks to an aid station...
after a knife fight with guerrilla drug lords, then you talk to me.
All right, since there's no way off this rock...
- we're gonna have to catch this guy. - " Putnam Catch him?"
We couldn't even catch the bloody raccoon that was stealing my wristbands last month.
You didn't ask me to catch the raccoon, did you, Pip?
All right, now here's the plan.
You're gonna give this wing nut exactly what he wants.
- You're all gonna do your jobs. - All right, then tell us something.
How the hell are we supposed to do our job...
when somebody is killing the dick out of everybody on the island?
- Voices Overlapping - "Take it easy there, menstrual cramp."
You read the poem on that board out there.
I seen this a million times.
This guy's playing a game, and we're gonna play right back.
Just keep cool, and this cat'll come to us.
And when he does, I promise you...
I'll be there with my whompin' stick.
Chuckling
Man Singing, Indistinct
Come on, hit it! Hit it!
Definitely not this guy.
Maybe. Maybe not.
What in the queen's wig is going on here?
We've got a killer on the loose, and you're throwing a bloody pinata party.
The cut on that pear kid was left to right.
Left to right! I'm looking for the left-handed killer, you idiot!
Oh. I see.
This is totally fucked up. I don't even know what I'm looking for.
Chuckles I don't even know what I'm doing here.
Hey, you know, I've been thinking about that poem on the board.
There's something really familiar about those words.
I just can't seem to wrap my fingers around it.
- Can you wrap your fingers around this? - Whoa!
Continues
- Hi, Juan. - Hi. Uh...
- Hi. How are you? - Good. I made you a hat.
Oh. L-I don't know what to say.
Well, say "thank you" and put it on.
All right, all right.
Thank you. L-I love it.
You wanna take a walk on the beach?
Chuckles Eh...
You know, it's the same here as it is down there.
You know, um, the sand and water here, the sand and water...
Yells
I heard you were being very bad today, Juan.
What you mean?
When you were supposed to be in the maze...
you were eating watermelon.
- How you find out about that? - Because I see everything, Juan.
Both Moaning
Hey, you-you know... you know what? You know what?
I think it's a good idea if we were to go down the beach a little more far.
- Huh? The two of us. - Okay.
Oh, you know, I forgot.
I'm supposed to go make S'mores.
- We checked every guest cabana. - No weapons? No bloody clothes?
Just pornography and an ass-load of condoms.
The guy in had a wooden Bible.
A wooden Bible, huh? That's good.
That's a good job. All right now, Jenny.
You go check on Yu. She's freakin' out.
New meat, you take over here.
Okay? Break!
Okay? Break!
- You'll be all right? - Yeah.
Sure.
- Shite. Shite. Not her best. - " Dance "
Hello, Pete.
"Hope They've Got Hammocks in Heaven."
Great.
And again, Peter.
You dirty bugger.
What's this?
Jesus, this is crazy! We can't do this anymore!
Quiet, Yu. The guests will hear.
Jenny, we cannot act like there's nothing wrong, okay?
There are guests everywhere. We have to tell them.
No! You saw that board.
Continues
Monkey Yell
Roy So I said it's totally tea bag season.
Manny Dude, shut up, gay-rod. Give me a light.
Hey, guys, I'm gonna need you back at the bonfire. We're gonna make an announcement.
Oh, good, 'cause I got an announcement to make to Roy.
- I'm totally bake-ached. - Come on!
- Idiots. - " Chattering Continues "
- " Twigs Snapping " - Hey, come to the beach.
We're gonna make an announcement.
Whimpers, Screams
Help!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Screaming Help!
Screams
There's always one fuck-head like you...
trying to shit in the apple pie.
You just shat in the one apple pie that knows how to shit back.
So why don't, uh, you and me, let's just...
Screaming
- Gasping - Oh, God!
Oh, my God!
Shit!
Shit.!
Screams
Dance
Amy's got some fantastic advice for everybody this morning, haven't you, Amy?
Jenny On TV Here are humans, here is God, and here are we.
You're the girl, Ame!
Shoulders down.
- "How are we looking, Dr. Wick?" - "You're looking fantastic, Amy."
Looking fantastic. "This is one of the top five cardio"...
- " TVShuts Off " - " Boat Engine Running, Distant "
Twigs Snapping
Let's do the sun salute.!
Let's do the sun salute.!
Crab, crab, crab. Shot. Throw it away. Salute.
Crab, crab, crab. Shot. Throw it away. Salute.
Hey, let's dance. It's easier when you're smiling.
- I heard one of our ski boats last night. - Holy shit! That's great!
- I only heard it for a second, but... - So what do we do?
If it is one of ours, this guy's got it. It's probably not a real good idea...
to go lookin' for it unless you want to get your dingy chopped off.
- What? - Blowing Shell
Hey, I figured it out. I know where those lines on the board came from.
You know that line, "Everyone's looking to find their own paradise"?
- That's from one of your songs. - What the fuck you talkin' about? One of my songs?
Yeah, it's off your album "Sea Shanties and Wet Panties. '
- ? - Let's see those pinchers, people!
What does this song have to do with all this?
The name of the song is "Naughty Cal."
- Naughty Cliff. Naughty Carlos. - All Naughty Cal!
Naughty Cal, Bongo and Tokey
Got tired of livin' on land
So the three amigos took an undersea trip
- "And never were seen again" - " Bong Water Bubbling "
Bongo, the stoned crab got high as a kite
- And fell and cracked his shell - Shit.
That's the line that was on the board yesterday.
I didn't know where it was from.
How do you not know the words to your own song?
I don't even remember making the album, okay?
Shit, it was ' . We were all out of our gourds.
It was kind of a crazy time in .
Oh, man, we had some fuckin' parties.
Bongo the stoned crab got high as a kite
And fell and cracked his shell
Tokey was lost in a maze all night
- " Continues " - "High as a kite"?
"He fell and cracked his shell"? That's like Carlos up in the parasail.
Then "lost in a maze," exactly like Cliff.
So this guy is killing people according to a fucking acid trip song?
- "This is insane.!" - " Putman Peter."
What's the song about? Is there some sort of special significance?
Fuck no. I mean, uh, I don't know.
It's a sea shanty. Naughty Cal's this, uh, underwater cowboy...
and Tokey and Bongo are his buddies.
And they go on this adventure to find, uh, Atlantis or some shit.
- L-l-l... - "Let's listen to the next line" and see what happens.
La-la-la-la Lala-la-la-la, lalala-la-la
Maybe if I play it backwards.
La-la-la-la, lala-la-la, la-la-la-la
- Mango Bay - Wait, listen. Listen.
But a big bad orca and a scary octopus
Were guarding the riverbed
- " Continues " - So, what the hell? The orca and the octopus?
I mean, is it the next victims, or is it the killer?
Our lives depend on us interpreting the dumbest fucking song I've ever heard.
Please, don't hold back. Just say what you really think.
I'm not sensitive.
You know, I won about five fucking gold records in my lifetime.
H-How many gold records do you have?
- Let's see how it ends. - "I guess it seems"
That everybody's lookin'
To find their own paradise
But it ain't on Earth It's up there in heaven
And someday we're all gonna die
- " Laughing Wildly " - Jesus.
Pete.! Yu and Hank are dead.
- Why? What did we do? - "No, man."
Yu and Hank are fucking dead.
You threatening me? 'Cause if you are, you little hairless lap dog...
; Ay, puta.! Just come and look!
All Gasp
Putman Reading "Don't let this be Yu. '
She was just trying to warn the guests.
- Sobbing - Hank!
Insects Buzzing
Yu?
Crowd Booing
Why are we doing a goddamn fashion show?
Because it's goddamn Fashion Show Wednesday, that's why!
Look what happened to Yu! Remember the warning: "Do your jobs or die"?
So we're just gonna put little smiles on our faces...
and march out there and do our goddamn jobs.
- You got that? Lars, you're up. Come on. Let's go. - You got it, Pete.
Cheering
Lars Brunckhorst, everybody.
Lars is sporting the Pleasure Poncho.
Only . at the gift shop. Thank you, Lars.
Sam I'm tellin'ya, I got a bad feeling about that new guy.
You are right. It all started when he got here, didn't it?
- Sam, it isn't Lars or any of us. - "Look, Jenny."
- I know why you're defending him. - Pajamas! Come on! Move!
- Putman, pillow. - Putman Livingston, I presume.
Oh, if it isn't Little Lord Fauntleroy.!
Pip, pip.! Tallyho.!
I got it. In that song...
Naughty Cal sings about the scary octopus.
Look at Putman! Putman is the octopus.
- Hello? - Dave, just go play with the curtains or something.
No, no, no. We can't dismiss that song. What about Carlos and Cliff?
What about the fact that Hank was buried in the sand like the buried treasure in the song?
All right, so maybe the octopus...
is the way the next person dies?
How do you kill someone with an octopus?
Octopus spelled backward is "supotco." Juan, isn't that Spanish for something?
"Supotco"? No. The word for shoe is "zapato."
- Hmm. Shoe. - Am I the only one who thinks his head looks like an octopus?
- Shh, shh, shh. Here he comes. - What did I miss?
- Apparently, somebody's gonna get killed by a shoe. - Hmm.
Okay, you guys, instead of focusing on the song, why don't we go look for those boats?
- Good idea. - Jenny, why don't you and I go search together?
- Um... - Putman.
- Why don't you and I go and look for that boat? - "Are you da"ft"?"
I'm not going out in the jungle with you and your bloody shiatsu.
If you're the killer, you'll snap my neck like a twig.
All right, stick to the shore. There's no reason to go in the jungle.
The boats are probably gonna be covered with sticks.
Or branches.
Thanks much, officer.
Aren't you taking any weapons?
- I have all the weapons I need. - Scoffs
Piss on that. I'm taking a machete.
Thanks for doing this, Lars.
You're very brave. Just be careful, all right?
Good luck, Putman.
Better believe I'll be keeping an eye on you, Mr. Miyagi.
Chopping
I know you guys are probably a little intimidated by cooking for the whole resort...
but I think you're gonna get a big kick out of it, okay?
- " Insect Buzzing " - I bet you watched Yu and Kelly.
And most of it's just common sense. Like right now...
I'm making my famous Coconut Pete's Paella.
Can anyone guess the secret ingredient?
Come on.
Coconut Pete's Paella?
The secret ingredient?
- Coconut... Pete's... - "Eh"...
- Coconut? - Yes, goddamn it! Yes!
Yes! Yells
Jesus! You think Eddie Money has to put up with this shit?
- " Chopping " - Yelling, Indistinct
Goddamn it! Coconut Pete's Paella!
Jesus Christ. What you think?
I think Pete's under a lot of pressure.
I don't think we can say for sure. God, I don't know.
- What are you doing? - "Uh, you know."
Just, uh, hanging around, uh, looking through the window.
Calamari?
- Uh... - It's an aphrodisiac, Juan.
Chuckles
- Oh. Oh! - What's wrong?
You're not afraid of a little octopus, are you?
Muffled Thank you.
When you're done here...
I want you to come inside and find me...
'cause I wanna wrap my little tentacles around you.
Chuckles Okay.
- Spits Food Out - No way.
Think about it, the octopus.
Look, she's a weird little chick, I'll give you that.
But, look, it still doesn't prove that she's the killer.
All right. There is only one way to find out.
Romantic Latin
- Don't be nervous. - Chuckles
Eh, I just want our first time to be wonderful.
Penelope Chuckles
So I would say that if you're the killer...
just, you know, just maybe don't kill me.
Or at least make it, you know, painless.
With those moves of yours, I bet you could put me down nice and easy.
- Just, zip, and I'm out, right? - Look.
The whole reason we're hiding in this closet is because we think she's the killer.
- Oh. - " Penelope I'm gonna bite you."
- " Juan Well, not too hard, I hope." - I really likeJuan.
I remember when we first met, I was kinda like, "Who the fuck is this guy?
Some local guy comin' down here and..."
Grunting
- Mmm. - Neck Bones Cracking
Knuckles Cracking
- I haven't been entirely honest with you. - You mean...
you don't really go to the Oral Roberts?
Aah!
Sighs I mean...
I just wanted to leave my past behind me when I came here.
What the fuck are you, a praying mantis woman?
- Yells - L...
I've never been to a place like this.
I mean, it's just so free.
Juan, I have spent my whole life in a gym.
I just wanted to party like everyone else.
My coach, Orgrav, would kill me if he found out.
He would hunt me down like a deranged lunatic.
- He's really scary some... - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
- You are a gymnast? - Yeah.
Oh! Gracias.
- " Penelope Moaning Loudly " - " Juan Shouting In Spanish "
Juan No tushie.! No.! No.!
Both Moaning Loudly
Juan Moaning Loudly
- " Penelope Screams " - " Glass Shatters "
I'll be right back.
Moans Okay.
Eh, I'm still not sure.
I may need a few more hours to pump her for information.
You asshole! Now you're just trying to get laid.
How would you like to be stuffed in this closet while I go out there and have sex?
- That is a great idea. - " Toilet Flushes "
Shh! Here she comes!
What exactly are your intentions with Jenny?
You know, Put...
during the Sung Dynasty, there was a great mystic... Master Tsu Tong Po.
And he once said something very wise:
"If you love something, set it free.
- If it comes back to you..." - "Fuck off."
It's a bloody Hallmark card.
Just trying to help you, man.
Well, she has taken quite a fancy to you, hasn't she?
But I have some... ammunition of my own.
What kind of man would I be if I sat idly by while you stole her from me?
Do not underestimate me, Lars.
I know things you don't.
All right, Lars, let's see what you got.
- Whispering Look what I found. - Gasps
- Wow. - Yeah. Shiny.
Creaking
Hey.
Dave Oh.! I knew it.
Oh, sick fuck.
Dear God in heaven.
Snoring
Putman Lars?
Sword Unsheathes
Oh, dear God!
Whimpering
- Whimpering Continues - Snarling
Grunts, Whimpers
No!
- No! - " Squishing Sound "
- Grunts - Huh?
- " Twig Snaps " - Gasps
- You! - That's right, love.
Now take that stupid bag off your head and give us a kiss.
- What? - Advantage, Putman.
Hey... Moans
- Moaning Continues - " Lars Putman.!"
- Babbling - "Putman.!"
Putman! Wake up, Putman. It's a dream! It's just a dream, Putman.
Gasping
Reggae
Farewell.
Laughing, Chattering
Dave Keep it clean, keep it clean, huh, mister?
That's a point! That's a point!
"; Mira.!" The boat!
Grunts
- Whoo! - "; Ay Mami.!" He found the fucking boat!
Jenny Whoo.!
Hang on to your kudos.
- Oh! - She's not going anywhere.
- What did you do to the propeller, man? - I didn't do anything.
This is the one that was pulling Carlos.
Well, we could send a group to paddle out to the mainland.
- We've got plenty of strong guys. - "No chance."
The riptide'll take you out to sea. Chuckles
You'll be drinking your own urine in less than hours.
- Where's Putman? - He's not here?
He left last night. He ran off into the jungle.
- Oh, by "ran off' do you mean "got killed by you"? - Ah!
What, did you really think we wouldn't notice Putman was gone if you came back with a boat?
- "Sam, that's ridiculous." - "Why is that ridiculous?"
Hey, look. Putman freaked out in the middle of the night and took off into the jungle.
Look, we went into your room last night, Lars.
Mark David Chapman over here has a shrine to Pete.
- "It's unbelievable.!" - So I'm a fan.
A fan? Man, you're a fucking loon!
Look, nobody here was killed last night...
because Lars was in the jungle killing Putman.
Hey, look. I could never hurt another person, okay?
- I don't believe in violence. - "Mm-hmm."
I touch other people to make them feel better.
Come on. I have an obligation to get to the bottom of that...
Come on. I have an obligation to get to the bottom of that...
- "; Ay.!" You are the fucking Fun Police! - Juan!
- What the hell... - Come on, take it easy! Quit your bickering!
Now, we just get through one more night, the boat will be here tomorrow.
We'll be all right. So, come on, everybody, let's just have a drink...
- and... mellow out. - I don't want to mellow out, Pete!
I want to know what Lars's deal is, huh? You come here and everyone starts getting killed.
Hey, I don't have to tell you shit, Fun Pig! You wanna Fun arrest me?
You get a Fun-fucking warrant! Until then...
stay out of my Fun-fucking face!
Come on!
Jenny, you know I'm not the killer, right?
Look, Lars, it's not so bad in here, okay?
- I'll bring you some magazine. - Yeah.
You familiar with the expression "sitting duck"?
No.
- You guys, this is totally fucked up. - "Look, Jenny..."
if he's the killer, then we have him in this room.
And if not, then at least we know it's not him.
Bird Squawking
Did it stink? You bet it stunk.
Oh, shit.! Laughs
- Hey, you guys gonna be hanging around for a while? - "Totally."
We're just getting started. Anyway, that's my mom for you.
Laughs
Any of you guys have a mother?
Free drinks, whoever catches me!
- Whoo-hoo! - Laughing, Chattering
- " Water Splashing " - Gasps
Shit.
Oh, God!
Whimpers, Groans
Muffled Scream
Snickers Your prayers have been answered.
- You asshole! - Nah, I'm not an asshole.
"I'm just young, dumb and full"... What the fuck?
- "What?" - Something just brushed against my leg. What the...
No, there's seriously something down here.
- What? - Oh, no, wait!
It's just my gigantic cock. Snickers
Man On TV Amy's got some fantastic advice for everybody.
- Oh, my God. - "So, you want to get it on?"
Dirk, get outta the pool!
- Huh? - "I'm not kidding.!"
- " Jenny Hurry.!" - Hey, that's what I call service!
- "Now.! Get outta the pool.!" - Gasps
- " Dirk Yelling " - " Jenny Screaming "
- " Dirk Screaming " - Shrieking
Electrical Breakers Banging
Hey, help me!
Screams Putman! You're alive!
- Panting, Sobbing - You've got your arms around me, Jenny.
I can only assume this means every other man on the island is dead.
We got to get outta here! Dirk's dead!
He just got electrocuted in the pool!
Really? What was the look on his face? He must have screamed bloody murder.
Quivering You're scaring me.
I just want to know if smoke came out of his ears. Is that so wrong?
- Shudders, Screams - Hey! Oh! Putman, where have you been?
Running in circles through this bloody jungle, that's where.
Thank God you're not dead. Now, we need to get over to Pete's cabana...
- and get that auxiliary generator. - Wait, hang on!
If Dirk just got killed, then Lars couldn't be the killer!
All right now, be on guard. He might be a little cranky.
Lars.! Lars, we're here.!
Oh, do give it a rest, Jen.
Jenny He couldn't have.
He's far too large.
We gotta find Pete.
- " Sam Pete.!" - Creaking
Pete?
Pete?
You in here, Pete?
Peter! We need the key to the generator box.
- " Banging " - All Gasp
Rattling
Rattling Continues
- " Crashing " - Yelling, Squealing
- Damn it! - Isn't somebody going to get the fuckin' door?
Rattling
- Who's there? - Who's out there?
- All Gasp - Hey!
I think there's a problem with the lights! Zooming Sounds
- Right? - Disgusted Sigh
All right, Lars will probably come after us here.
We don't know for sure that it is Lars.
And we don't know if he got out or if someone else got in.
What is it with you and Lars? I'm beginning to wonder if you aren't in cahoots!
I mean, let's see. You had sex with Rolo, and he's dead.
You and Cliff, right? He's dead.
Give me a break. I screwed Juan and Pete, and those guys aren't dead.
Bloody hell, Jen! Am I the only one?
All right, let's get back to the case. What we have to do...
Why don't you drop the bullshit cop routine, okay, Sam?
Oh, just as soon as you drop the "I've got nothing to hide" routine, Juan.
Let me guess. You were in here looking for this letter from the Encarnacion prison facility?
- What the fuck, man? - Fuck, why you are doing this, man?
"Juan shows no signs of the bizarre and horrible behavior...
"that brought him to this institution.
"We believe him to be fully rehabilitated...
and will be an excellent addition to your staff."
- What did you do, Juan? - I did nothing, Jenny.
What the fuck did you do, man?
Costa Rican prison... that's some hard-core anal action, man.
- Juan, we have to know. - What did you do, Juan? - What did you do, Juan?
- " Dave What the fuck" did you do, man, huh? - " Putman What did you do?"
- "Tell us.!" - I did nothing! Huh?
- " Screaming " - " Juan " El Chupacabra!
- " Jenny Hey.!" - " Juan No.!"
- Sobs - " Juan Oh.! Oh, my God.!"
Exclaims In Spanish
- How could you do that? - Wait, wait!
I did not do this. I'm not a killer.
I did not do this. I'm not a killer.
What the fuck, man? Then, what is this?
You want to know what I did?
Huh? You all want to know what I did?
Juan Castillo... went to jail...
for having sex with a goat.
All right?
What you want me to say?
We lived on a farm!
And I got lonely!
Sobbing We were...
Oh, we were just a couple of stupid kids.
No, it wasn'tJuan.
It was Dave...
wasn't it?
You hated him for what he did to your parents.
You see, what none of us did know...
indeed, what none of us could know...
was that David's parents...
were trampled to death at a Coconut Pete concert.
What the hell's wrong with you, Putman?
Everyone knows Dave's parents got killed at a Pete show.
- Mouths Words - Yeah, way to bring up a sore subject.
- What? L... What? - " Dave You think" I could have killed him?
He's my Uncle Petey.
You all saw him as...
a mellow island songster...
and a resort owner, but...
how many of you knew that he... he was afraid of dogs...
and that his favorite spice was rosemary?
How many of you knew that...
he was uncircumcised and smelled of oranges? Sniffs
Yes, that's all well and good, David.
But I'll bet hind to horses...
that you inherit the island.
- The island is already mine. - What?
Pete signed it over to me last week.
"He was going back on the"... on the road where he belonged.
He was forming a supergroup... Billy Squier and Eddie Money!
Don Henley was gonna play drums! Fuck, that would've been tight! Fuck.
He was gonna sell the island to the navy for test bombing.
But I told him l-I could handle the responsibility.
- " Bead Curtain Rustling " - Lars.
No! No!
Pete. Convulsive Sobs
Oh, my God! Pete! Sobbing Continues
- Retches - " Clapping "
Bravo, Lars, bravo.
Very convincing. Very convincing.
- You fucker! - Lars! No, stop it! No!
Overlapping Shouts
- Stop it! - Hold it, hold it!
- Let's lock him up again. - No! No! Stop it!
Stop it! We're not locking anybody up!
We're all gonna stay together, in one room!
Look, the boat will be here tomorrow.
We'll go to the club, gather all the guests...
and wait until the morning, and we're going to do this together.
And we're gonna make it through the night, okay?
Screw this, man! I'm not going anywhere with Lars.
Laughs Well, I'm not going anywhere with Juan.
- " Dave Ooh.!" - What kind of a man has sex with a goat?
- Hey, I used a condom. - Oh.
You told me they were against your religion.
Chuckles Ehhh, you know, I need to find Peenalop.
- I am sure you all understand. - Indignant Scoff
You come anywhere near my cabana, I'm taking your head off.
Let's get outta here, Dave. Come on, Dave, let's get outta here, man.
I don't think so. Chuckles
Crazed Laughing
- Jenny, you're making a most grievous mistake. - Laughter Fading
I'm still not sure what happened...
with all that dodgy business back in the jungle.
But I'm plagued by the dreams.
I believe I'm safer on my own.
- Well, that plan went to hell. - Sighs
Lars Well, at least they left us a torch. Laughs
Jenny? Jenny?
Chuckles I believe I know where the generator is.
- Clicks - Turntables Whirring
Hip-hop
Cackling
Damn it! He must have taken my swords.
I don't care if I have to carve a spear "out ofbamboo, this asshole's"...
- Shh, shh, listen. - No, I'm not gonna shush!
- I'm so sick of running from this... - " Continues "
I thought we didn't have any power.
- " Distorted Naughty Cal" - Dave?
- "Bongo and Tokey" got tired oflivin'on land - Dave. Dave?
So the three amigos took an undersea trip
"Never were seen"...
Jenny God.!
- Screaming - Phono Needle Scratching - It's me! It's me! It's me!
Record Repeating Die, we're all gonna die
- "We're all gonna die" - Holy shit!
Oh, my God! The lock's broken!
Gasps Oh, my God! He's out there.
Quick, under the bed, hurry. Come on!
- "Go, go.! Hurry.!" - You'll never fit.
- Go, go, go, go, go! - Whimpering
- Grunts - Come on!
- "Hurry.! Come on.!" - Grunting Continues
What are you doing? Lars, what are you doing? Hurry!
- Chanting - "Lars, please.!"
- Come on! - Chanting Continues
- "Lars, come on.! He's coming.!" - Abdomen Squishing
- "Oh, my God.!" - Chanting Quickens
- "He's coming.!" - Rapid Chanting Continues
Chanting, Grunts
- Whew! - Holy shit!
Is that how you escaped out of that window?
Why don't you just do that all the time?
Is that a fat joke?
What the hell?
- What the hell, Jenny? - " Banging "
Gasps, Shuddering
Grunting
Putman.! It was you?
- What? What was me? - Step back, Putman!
Oh, you actually believe that I'm the killer. Oh, that's a laugh.
Then what are you doing here?
"Well, I just popped by to say"...
- "Uh"... - You perv.
Really, Jenny, there's a perfectly reasonable explanation "for all this. I mean"...
Well, you see, it seemed like "such a good final memento and"...
Well, l... You know how good I think you look in red, and that little...
- "No.!" - Oh, dear God! Oh, dear God!
- Where's the key? - I don't know.
Lock the door! Lock the door!
Gasps The lock's broken!
Broken?
You've manacled me to my deathbed, you Piccadilly whore!
- I'm so sorry. - I could never stay mad at you, Jenny.
Quickly! Give me the racket! Give me the balls!
- " Lars Go.! Go.! Yeah.!" - Quickly! Run!
Jenny Get out.!
- Whimpering - Clanging
Machete Phil! I knew it!
- Groans - Gasps Oh, God!
- Oh... - Oh, God!
- Go. - "N- No.!"
- Go, dearJen. Go. - "No.!"
Sobs
Namaste.
Fuck off.
- Come on. - " Groaning "
I'm sorry.
- Grunts - " Ball Bouncing "
Groans
Putman Ahhh, you.! I should have known it was you.!
- "Doesn't surprise me a bit, really." - Damn it, Putman!
- Who is it? - "I'm sure you think" I'll go down without a fight.
"But it's not yet game, set"...
- " Blade Slicing " - " Howls "
- " Slicing Continues " - " Agonized Groan "
- Whimpering Sob - " Gurgling "
Body Thuds
- Creaking - " Footsteps "
Footsteps Continue
- " Clattering " - " Squawking "
Footsteps Continue
- " Footsteps Stop " - Both Mouthing Words
Footsteps Resume
Mouthing Words
Footsteps Fading
Door Closes
Soap, please.
- Whooping, Shouting - " Bongos "
Hey.! Nice helmet, Lars.!
About time you two perverts showed up for the party! Laughs
Burke Pour it.! Pour it.!
Oh, Jesus Christ! That's blood!
- What the fuck? - " Jenny Oh, God.!"
Oh, God.!
- We're all gonna die! - Screaming
Help! Help!
Penelope! Where's Juan?
I don't know, I haven't seen him all night.
What the hell is going on?
Chuckles Juan! Juan!
- Hold on. Hold on. - "What are you doing?"
- "Let me go.!" - Don't move! Where the hell have you been?
I was looking for Peenalop. Why you are looking at me like that?
'Cause you disappeared a half hour ago, and now you show up covered in blood.
Because I just found Putman.
- He's dead. - Oh, shit! Sam!
- He's dead. - Oh, shit! Sam!
- Screaming - " Jenny Oh, my God.!"
- " Lars The mud bath.!" - Let's go, Peenalop.
Jenny Oh, God.
Penelope Groans
- Oh, no. - What?
- Mutters Oh, fuck. - Sam. Sam.
- " Whimpering " - Sam!
Grunts
- Get out. - What?
Get out, now!
- Screaming, Yelling - Maniacal Laughing
Did you know that I can hold my breath...
for three minutes and seconds? Chuckles
Nobody ever suspects the Fun Police.
- Bullshit. I always have suspected you. - Bullshit. You did not.
- You are the bullshit! - Gasps
He's the guy from the campfire story... Machete Phil, the kid with no dick.
No. That's just an old campfire story.
What do you piss out of, your asshole?
It's just a story! I have a dick.
I'm not Machete Phil.
I'm Machete Sam.
- Laughs - " Jenny Sam, why are you doing this?"
Oh, I remember it like it was yesterday.
I asked Rolo ifhe had any grass, and he said he didn't have any.
So then I followed him into thejungle.
- Would you believe what I saw? - No.
He had grass. My grass!
- Laughing - "A huge bag of it."
And he was smokin'it with those two little hussies...
even though he said he had none.
So then... No, wait, that's not it.
I found out that Pete was giving the island to Dave.
Oh, yeah. That's it. It wasn't about the grass.
Although that "was" incredibly uncool.
It was about Pete giving the island to that little shithead.!
All-night raving, pill-popping little son of a bitch.!
What about me? Huh? I deserved it!
I'm the best goddamned employee this place has ever seen!
Dave was gonna run it into the ground.
Not on my watch! This is my home.
Pete thinks I'm just a clown, good for fun and games.
Well, I got you guys to do your jobs, didn't I?
Pretty good managerial skills, don't you think?
Setting you guys up to decipher that stupid "Naughty Cal'song.
Cackling
Who's the orca? Who's the octopus?
Singsong I am the Walrus! I am the Walrus! I am the Walrus!
- Yells Oh! Ooh! - Grunting
Get outta here! Now! I can't hold him for long.
Try putting him to sleep.! Try the-the Snoring Panda.!
I can't reach it. Panting I can handle this.
- He'll orgasm for another few minutes. Go! - Ooh.
- I'm not leaving you! - "I'll be okay."
- Get outta here. It's gonna get messy. - Ooh. Ooh.
- Go. - "Go."
- Panting - Oh! Ohhh!
Oh! Ooh!
- Back to the club! - Are you crazy?
It's the most secure building on the island. It's where we keep the booze!
Shouting, Screaming
Look out, now. Oh, oh-oh-oh! There you are!
- Screams - Baba-boobie!
- Peenalop! - Juan!
Oh, God!
Look, he's after us. She's safer with them. Let's go!
Let's go!
Jenny Get the gate!
Sobs Oh, God.!
Screams Oh, God.! Nooo.!
- Oh, God! - "Peenalop.!"
- No! No! - Peenalop! Peenalop!
- Stop! - Panicked Grunt
God! Stop it! What are you doing?
- You'll never make it! - " Penelope Sam.! Please.!"
- " Jenny God.!" "What do you think you're"... - Grunts Watch out!
- Grunts - " Jenny Harder.! Harder.!"
- " Jenny She can't breathe.!" - " Juan Grunting "
- " Juan Groaning " - Penelope! Get up.
- Gasps, Coughs - Groaning Continues
- Ohh! - Juan! Juan! Juan, get up!
- Coughing - Juan, get up.
Come on! Hurry! Come on! Groans
Oh, God.
It's not a party until someone breaks theJacuzzi.
- " Laughing " - Screams Oh, God! Juan!
Snickering
Yells
Groans, Coughs
- Lars! - Panting The Fun...
is done.
- Groans, Chuckles - Chuckles
What happened to the hot tub?
People Whooping, Laughing
Man Here we go.!
Oh, God!
- " Jenny No.!" - " Juan No, it's not possible.!"
- What do we do? - We can lose him in the jungle.
- The jungle? - I can get us through!
Come on!
- Hurry! - Go, go, go, go!
I know where this goes! Let's go! Come on, quickly!
- Grunts - Go!
Oh, God.! This was your big plan?
We can do it. It's high tide. All right, now listen.
I know this is going to sound disgusting, but...
when you jump, keep your legs together and clench your ass cheeks.
Or else, water will fly up your butthole and pulverize your intestine.
- Gross! - " Laughter "
- Gasps - " Sam Where are you?"
- I trust you, Juan. - "I'm coming.! I'm coming.!"
Gasps
Jesus! Who is this girl?
Jesus! Who is this girl?
She's...
my girlfriend.
Jenny Yelling
Yelling
Gasps
- Did you see it? - I saw it. - Oh, my asshole!
- What did you see? - The "Randy Rumrunner."
He didn't take it. He sunk it.
Juan, any way you could dive down and get the propeller off?
We could put it on the "Smilin'Smuggler."
- Consider it done, my friend. - Come on, let's go.
Come on!
Jenny Grunts Juan!
- Come on. - In the boat. In the boat.
Oh, God.! Where the hell is Juan?
- Juan? Juan? - " Jenny Juan, where are you?"
- Yells - Both Scream
- Oh, my God, you're bleeding. - "It's okay."
- You should see the other hombre. - I'll put it on.
- Come on. - Grunts
- " Screaming " - Yells
Juan! Whimpers
It's all right. It's okay.
I cannot imagine a more beautiful way to go.
Coughing Just remember, Peenalop.
I love you. ; Carajo de mierda.!
- I love you! - Sobs
Gulps Maybe...
before I go...
one kiss.
No, no, no.
I meant, maybe you and Jenny could...
- kiss each other. - Chuckles
I always...
wanted...
to see that.
- " Jenny Oh, God.!" - "Juan.!"
Juan!
- Yells - Women Screaming
- Punch Lands - Squealing Groan
- Screams - Grunting
Coughing, Gagging
- Grunting - Grunting
- Aargh! - Come on!
- Son of a bitch! - Grunting
- Grunts - Yells, Groans
Grunts
- Cries Out - Groans
- " Lars Go.! Go, Jenny, go.!" - Engine Revs
- " Jenny Whoo-whoo.!" - Yelling
Shit! Turn it, turn it!
- Lars, what are you doing? - Trust me.
- Lars, stop it! - Come on, come on!
- Screams - Yeah!
- You're bringing us closer to the raft! - I know.
Grunts, Yells
Screaming
Agonized Grunt
- Accelerating - Ahhhhhh!
Screams
Yeah!
- Slowly, slowly. - "Okay."
Sighs We gotta untie these lines.
- Ferocious Yell - Penelope Screaming
- Hit it, Jenny! Go! - " Accelerating " - Agonized Groan
Screaming
- Ahhhhhh! - Yeah!
Groans, Whimpers
All Panting
Grunts
Let's get the hell outta here. Panting
- Sighs - Relieved Chuckle
- Yells - Screams
- " Sam Come on.!" - Screaming - Oh, come on!
Growling
- Lars Grunting Die! - Groaning
Son of a bitch!
All Panting
They'll probably kick me out of the Pacifist Club now.
Or at least ask you nicely to leave.
- Chuckles - Laughs
"Tian-tu"...
- the Heaven Point. - Pleasurable Moan
Oh.
Gasps, Shuddering Moan
- Let's go, Peenalop. - Chuckles
Man Vocalizing
Continues, Repetitively
Man Singing, Indistinct
Laughs "Gracias," Sheriff.
Coughs
- Laughs - Cut it.
- That is so whack! - Knock that shit off, Juan.
You're gonna cause a hysterical... thing.
Laughing
- That is so cheebah! - Chanting
- " Laughter " - I just lost it. Keep rolling, keep rolling, keep rolling.
That is some trick shit!
That is so on time, off the hook!
Tight! And heavy!
That is so... out of the planet!
- Laughs - " Laughter "
Howling Laughter
What other dumb fuckin' catchphrases can I say?
Man, I can't hear shit. I've been standin' next to amplifiers my whole life.
- "Hello." - Laughs
Whistling
- Oh, God, no! - Oh, God...
- Kinda scared me. Sorry. - " Cackling "
Tokey took him to a sea horse whorehouse
Which-Which, something. Laughs
Which seemed to suggest, uh...
Fuck, I don't know what it seemed to suggest. Let me try that again.
Naughty Cal Bongo and Tokey
- "Aaah.!" - "Got tired oflivin'on land"
So the three amigos took an undersea trip
- "And never were seen again" - Laughing
Started out all right Went a couple of miles
Till they spotted a waterin'hole
They had their wits about them "until they were served"...
Here we go, I'll do, um... Okay, ready and action.
But what about the sign on Cliff s neck?
- It said, "staff only." I mean, that clearly means... - Laughs
All Laughing
- Mark! - All right, well, tell us, then...
how the hell are we supposed to do our jobs...
when somebody is killing the dick out of everybody on the island?
- Yes. - Laughing
- "Hey, listen. Listen, sugarbritches." - Laughing
- All right. All right. Are we cutting? - "Just-Just do yourjob."
- No, I'm not cutting. - Okay, cut it.
- " Laughter " - " Loud Beeping "
Bongo chose himself a pretty prawn
- "Cal preferred a dolphin" - "A dolphin"
Naughty Cal and his pals ran the waves to somewhere
Gulls Squawking
Land ho They blew all their dough
And ended up nowhere
They pulled their shit together cleaned themselves all up
And they set out on their way
They heard some talk about buried treasure
Down in Mango Bay
But a big bad orca and a scary octopus
Were guardin'the riverbed
Before you knew it the fun was over
'Cause Bongo and Tokey were dead
I guess it seems that everybody's lookin'
To find their own paradise
But it ain't on Earth It's up there in heaven
And someday we're all gonna die
La-la-la-la, lala-la-la-la Lalala-lala
- "Yeah.!" - "La-la-la-la, lala-la-la, lalala-lala"
- "Come on, everybody.!" - "La-la-la-la, lala-la-la, lalala-lala"
- "Pass that bong over here.! Yeah.!" - "La-la-la-la, lala-la-la, lalala-lala"
Whoo.! Yeah.!
Laughing
- "Whoo.!" - " Waves Breaking "