Cruel Intentions 2 Script - Dialogue Transcript

Cruel Intentions 2 Script

 Sebastian, Sebastian, stop pouting.

 Sorry. I'm such a dope.

 You are not a dope. You're just misguided.

 All the reports from your teachers say the same thing:

 "Sebastian would make an exceptional student if only he would follow orders".

 I can't believe you fed the school hamster an overdose of Viagra.

 I was testing the reproductive system for a science experiment...

 - and I wanted to see how big... - Enough! Enough!

 Fortunately for you, you are moving to a new town.

 You will have a chance to start a new. It's time to shape up.

 Speaking of shaping up, how's Mrs. Freeman doing?

 I see she's lost some weight.

 - She looks good. - Thank you.

 I gotta tell ya, it's a really great thing...

 she's doing for the community, censoring books and all.

 That Catcher in the Rye novel really screwed me up.

 Mrs. Freeman knows what's best for young minds.

 Which comes to my point.

 I was wondering what you planned on doing with my file?

 - It's not very favorable and... - And...

 you'd prefer if I didn't forward it to your new school.

 I've thought long and hard about it...

 and I've decided to send it.

 I mean, if you've really changed, you'll rise above your past mistakes.

 How can I ever thank you, sir?

 Well, you have got a plane to catch, and I have got some work to do.

 So, you just remember, Sebastian:

 The future is what you make of it.

 The future is what I make of it. The future is what I make of it.

 Got it.

 I'll never forget you, sir.

 Yeah, yeah, right, right.

 Pansy.

 Ed Freeman.

 What the fuck have you done to me, you fucking asshole?

 What's wrong, pumpkin?

 Have you seen my picture in the school yearbook?

 Uh, yes, you look wonderful.

 Wonderful? I'm naked, you fucking idiot!

 Fuck.

 I'm the laughing stock of the community. How could you have let this happen?

 You weaselly little piece of shit! You'll pay for this!

 Ed, I hate you!

 Asshole!

 Don't think you are gonna get away with this stunt.

 - So where you heading? - New York City.

 - And I'm sending your fi le! - For you.

 - Thanks. - You are finished!

 Bye-bye.

 SZKOLA UWODZENIA  

 - Sebastian Valmont? - Yeah.

 I'll take care of the driver, sir. Your family's expecting you.

 Which apartment?

 The whole building, sir.

 Ofcourse. What was I thinking?

 Oh, my God!

 Sebastian Valmont to see you, sir.

 - Ah, good to see you again, son. - Good to see you, too, Dad.

 How's your mother?

 Oh, Dr. Rappaport thinks she's gonna be in rehab for the long haul.

 Thanks for taking me in. You know, foster homes just aren't my thing.

 Think nothing of it.

 Man, you really hit the mother lode this time, Pops.

 Sebastian, I would like you to meet the love of my life.

 This is Tiffany.

 Well, it's a pleasure to finally meet you.

 I see you have your father's beautiful blue eyes.

 Thankyou.

 My, what a precious little kitty you have.

 Would you like to pet her?

 Some other time. Sebastian, come meet Kathryn.

 I've heard so much about you. Welcome to the family.

 I've always wanted a brother, but they were sold out of them at Bloomingdale's.

 - Is that a real Steinway? - I wouldn't play anything else.

 - May I? - Be my guest.

 Kathryn is an exquisite pianist, Sebastian.

 Really?

 Cute.

 I think it needs a tuning.

 Mother, Sebastian must be famished. Shouldn't we check on dinner?

 I think that's a wonderful idea.

 I'm so excited you'll be starting Manchester with me tomorrow.

 It's a wonderful institution...

 - with wonderful teachers. - Wonderful.

 Kathryn is president of the student body.

 Let's not forget president of the French Club.

 I live for extracurricular activities.

 Student body president? I thought you were a sophomore.

 I am. I believe one should not be hampered in achieving one's goals...

 simply by the paltriness of one's years.

 - You mean "dearth". - Excuse me.

 Well, paltriness implies insignificance...

 but really it's your lack of age that shouldn't hamper you...

 from achieving your goals.

 Careful with those SAT words. They can be deadly.

 Thank you.

 Isn't Kathryn just the best, son?

 - Yeah, she's a real peach, Dad. - I love you, Stepdaddy.

 I'm a little tired from all the travel. Do you mind if I turn in?

 Not at all. I know you have a big day ahead of you tomorrow.

 I'll show you to your room.

 Hey, you little asshole. What do you think you're doing?

 - I was not... What? - You hear me? Get down there!

 Do not fuck with me.

 So...

 he outdoes you at piano, he outdoes you at vocabulary.

 I guess I overestimated you.

 And don't sulk. It's a sign of weakness.

 Yes, Mother.

 No, everything's fine. I was just checking up on you, Mom.

 Look, I promised I'd take care of you, right?

 Well, I'm gonna talk to Dad and get you into a better facility.

 It's the least he can do.

 I love you too.

 - What the... - Let's get something straight!

 I may not have fooled you, but I've got a great thing going with the rentals.

 I don't have a curfew, they never bother me about my homework...

 and I've got a five-figure allowance.

 No one... and I mean no one... is about to threaten my cushy lifestyle...

 especially not some two-bit hick loser.

 - But... - I don't wanna hear it.

 Now, as for school, you stay out of my face...

 and we'll get along just fine, but if you cross me once...

 I'll bury your sorry ass, understood?

 All right. I'm glad we could have this little discussion.

 Hmm. Not bad.

 - What's the matter? - This collar's too tight.

 Oh, I guess you're only used to wearing mesh shirts where you come from.

 More SAT vocabulary builders?

 For your information, this happens to be my orientation speech.

 Who are you orienting?

 Please, be more stupid.

 I am the student body president.

 Ivy League schools eat this extracurricular crap up for supper.

 You do know what an Ivy League school is?

 Stop!

 Gordon Anderson... looking good.

 Do me a favor. Pretend you don't know me.

 My God, you're beautiful.

 - Excuse me? - Oh, I said you were beautiful.

 Thankyou.

 Excuse me, but what did you mean by that remark?

 - What remark? - That I'm beautiful.

 - Well, aren't you? - Well, yeah.

 I mean, no, no, but...

 Never mind.

 You're very strange.

 I know.

 Areyou here to see the headmaster?

 Yeah. I heard he's a total joke.

 I wouldn't know.

 The headmaster will see you now.

 I must say that in all my years in education...

 I have never seen a file quite like this.

  .  GPA, president of several clubs...

 all-star snowboarding for your county...

 as well as several glowing letters from your teachers...

 including your former principal.

 We were very close, he and I, sir.

 - Yes, it's most impressive. - Thank you.

 Perhaps a little too impressive.

 Thank you.

 That aside, I'm sure an enterprising young man like yourself...

 would be a welcome addition here at Manchester.

 - Thank you, sir. - Come in.

 You had a few grammaticals, but nothing reprehensible.

 Thankyou, honey.

 Sebastian, I'd like you to meet my daughter, Danielle.

 You're both in the same class.

 You look familiar. Have we met?

 No, I don't think so.

 Are you sure?

 Must've been someone else. Well, I'd better get going.

 It was very nice meeting you, sir. Ma'am.

 - Good luck, Sebastian. - Thank you, sir.

 - Seems like a nice kid. Don't you think? - We'll see.

 With our almamater we will grow

 Hail to thee O stars of pride

 Hail to thee

 Manchester

 Be seated.

 We will now hear from your new student body president...

 Kathryn Merteuil.

 Fellow students, faculty, administrators and custodians...

 I would personally like to welcome each and every one of you...

 to what I think will be Manchester's proudest year.

 - She is such an inspiration. - I consider...

 each and every one of you...

 members of my Manchester Prep family.

 With that said, I feel it is our responsibility to...

 reach out and accept all new students...

 as members of...

 And accept all new students as...

 - Settle down, people. - Please.

 As I was saying, I consider each and every one of you...

 members of my Manchester Prep...

 - Are you all right? - Sorry. It happens when I get nervous.

 Guess I just need a bubble gum fix.

 Keep going. You're doing great.

 Thanks. Once again, as I was saying...

 I consider each and every one of you members...

 of my Manchester Prep family.

 With that said, I feel that it is our responsibility to reach out...

 and accept all new students...

 Somebody! Somebody do something!

 Somebody call     or something.

 Good going, Danielle.

 Bravo!

 Terrific.

 Right. Sparing me the Cliff Notes synopsis....

 who can tell me what this means?

 Mr. Winkler.

 Jekyll was a doctor...

 and he developed this potion that transformed into...

 Edward Hyde, his evil side.

 My gosh, did that answer suck.

 Now come on, I know you've got it in you.

 What themes can be discussed here?

 Miss Sherman.

 I think Stevenson is talking about the duality of man.

 Man has both good and evil in him.

 If man cannot suppress his evil instincts, he is inevitably doomed.

 - Wrong! - Care to elaborate on that?

 Nowhere in the novel does Stevenson mention good over evil.

 In fact, it's just the opposite.

 Jekyll loved Hyde so much that he protected him from the world.

 He protected Hyde so he wouldn't hurt people.

 Please. He loved hurting people.

 - Then why does Jekyll kill himself? - Where does it say that in the book?

 - The end! Mr. Utterson found his body. - Utterson was idiotic.

 - Your point is idiotic. - All right, all right.

 Break it up, you two.

 Wow! Am I losing my mind...

 or did we just witness an intellectual debate in this classroom?

 Although I disagree with your conclusions, Mr. Valmont...

 I do appreciate your warped point of view.

 As for you, Miss Sherman...

 I think you could be a little more tolerant of other people's opinions.

 Hey, fellas, welcome back. Hey, Rene, good to see you.

 Assistant Headmaster Mueller!

 Steve.

 I thought I told you not to call me by my first name.

 - We need to talk. - Later. I'm busy right now.

 - Stop that. - I said, we need to talk.

 What is it?

 Do you see something wrong? I have gym.

 You know I loathe gym. We Merteuils do not like to perspire.

 What is this "we Merteuils" nonsense? You're a student. Try acting like one.

 - Excuse me? - Look, Kathryn, rules are rules.

 - I'm sorry, but you're going to gym. - I understand.

 - You do? - Yes. But it's a bit strange...

 'cause isn't it against the rules for someone of your age to seduce a minor...

 like you did to me this summer in the Hamptons?

 Now you know that's not entirely true. It was you who seduced me.

 You know, you're right.

 It was me who seduced you.

 But then again, who will the school board believe?

 It's my word against yours.

 Think about it, Steve. Something like this could ruin your career...

 not to mention your marriage.

 But I guess if you can bend the rules a little, then so can I.

 - I'lI see what I can do. - You're the best.

 This meeting of the Manchester Tribunal will now come to order.

 - Kathryn Merteuil presiding. - Thank you, Blaine.

 Fellow students of affluence and popularity...

 I welcome you to this year's first meeting of the Manchester Tribunal.

 As your new leader, I promise to do my best...

 to weed out the geeks, losers and underprivileged...

 and toss their fat asses out four school.

 -Here's the latest shipment, Mrs. Gagin. -Thank you.

 Could you re-shelf these for me? Thanks.

 - My God! A cartoon cock? - Hi.

 - Are you all right? - You scared me to death.

 - You dropped this. - I didn't drop it.

 Yes, you did, but it's all right.

 Sexual curiosity is nothing to be ashamed of.

 I'm not ashamed, and I have a very healthy sexual curiosity.

 Really?

 - So what are you doing here? - I work here. 

 Do you think you can take a   -minute break and join me for a cup of coffee?

 I'd love to, but unfortunately I have a lot of work to do around here.

 Mrs. Gagin, do you mind if Danielle joins me for a coffee break?

 Please, go right ahead. There's nothing to do right now.

 - Thank you. - You don't quit, do you?

 Whatever happened to "be nice to the new kid in school"?

 - Fifteen minutes. - Go.

 Next.

 Michael Keen, freshman. Former BMOC of his junior high school.

 Don't let his bad acne dissuade you, though. His father owns the Coliseum.

 Let's get him a facial and see if he can score front-row tickets to Hole. Next.

 Sebastian Valmont, sophomore. Son of Edward and Corrine.

 - Go on. - I can't.

 He's a transfer student, and I don't have any more information on him yet.

 Don't you know anything else about him? He is your stepbrother.

 I've only known him for a day. He's a total loser.

 I mean, he shops at the Gap.

 Stay on him and see what you can find out.

 - Will do. - Next.

 Cherie Clayman, freshman.

 Daughter of Hubert and Bunny. Annual family income...

 Well?

 $    million.

 - She's richer than Kathryn. - I heard that.

 She has a GPA of  .  and not only is she a virgin...

 but she never even kissed a boy before.

 Okay, this girl is a walking Teletubby...

 just begging to be made an example of.

 I think I'll oversee this one personally.

 When I get through with her, she will be the premiere slut at Manchester Prep.

 Next order of business: grievances. Yes, Lauren?

 Well, it appears we're having a bit of trouble with the new school chef.

 Mr. Washington seems to think that sushi...

 is an inappropriate meal for growing girls and boys.

 All those in favor of sending Mr. Washington...

 back to his hot dog stand, say aye.

 - Aye! - Aye.

 Okay, bye-bye, Mr. Washington. Hello, Mr. Yakamoto.

 So, what's a nice girl like you doing at a snobbish school like Manchester?

 It's called free tuition. Besides, it's not as bad as it seems.

 My dad took over the place a year after my mom passed away.

 I'm sorry.

 Your turn.

 Okay. Folks split up ten years ago. Mom has a drug problem.

 And everyone thought it would be best if I moved in with my dad.

 You get along with him?

 I don't really know him. He's on his fourth marriage.

 - To Kathryn's mom? - Yeah.

 I know this is rude, but what's it like growing up with all that money?

 Well, you know, I'm only one day into it.

 Sorry to disappoint you, my dear, but Richie Rich I'm not.

 And I thought I was the only one at Manchester.

 You ever get the feeling you're being watched?

 - Yours? - Hers.

 There you are, silly goose. I've been looking all over for you.

 Hi, Danielle. How's the used bookstore?

 - Don't let her get to you. - She doesn't.

 Maybe it makes me uncool, but I don't care what your stepsister thinks of me.

 Actually, I think that makes you very cool.

 Well, I'd better get going. I don't want her to make me hitch a ride home.

 - Thanks for coffee. - Yeah. I'll call you later.

 - But you don't have my number. - Don't underestimate me.

 Don't underestimate Kathryn.

 - Let's go. - See you.

 Bye.

 Nice first day, retard?

 It was great! This uptight bitch got gum stuck in her hair.

 Touche.

 Hi.

 Cherie, it's Kathryn, from school. No, I don't hate you.

 As a matter of fact, I was just appointed your big sister.

 Can you come out tonight? It's a school event. Great!

 I'll pick you up at  :  . Seeyou, sweetie.

 You're going out with the girl who spit gum in your hair?

 Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

 Come on, Kathryn. She's just a freshman. Pick on someone your own size.

 Like you? In due time.

 So, you have a thing for boring virgins.

 Danielle is a virgin, you know?

 Careful, Kathryn. I'm better at this than you.

 Ooh. You actually have a backbone.

 - Don't push me, Kathryn. - Any time you want to start a war...

 I'll keep it under consideration.

   :  . Yeah!

 Good evening, Master Sebastian. And how was your evening jaunt?

 Not bad, Henry. Not bad at all. Where are the folks?

 Dinner with a sheik. Cook has your meal ready.

 Will you be showering before or after dinner, sir?

 - I hadn't really thought about it. - Very well.

 Anything I can do to make your evening more relaxing,anything at all,just let me know.

 Thanks, Henry.

 This way, sir.

 Please make yourself comfortable. Gunther has prepared sweetbread mousse.

 It's like dinner at the Addams Family.

 Guys. Hello? Anyone?

 Yes, sir. Is everything all right?

 Henry, I think I'll get something later, go out or something.

 Verywell, sir. If you need the car, just let Frederick know.

 Sure.

 No, it's not like that at all.

 - Well, of course, I miss you. - You do?

 We'll get together very soon. I promise.

 - Okay. - What are you wearing?

 - Just... Edward! - I have to go.

 - I didn't hear you knock. - I didn't.

 - That was my accountant on the phone. - Wow!

 You guys must have a really tight relationship.

 Now, look, son, don't make me regret taking you in.

 Well, I see that old habits die hard, or, in your case, don't die at all.

 I'm your father, and I demand to be treated with some respect.

 - A man has needs... - Look, Dad, spare me the melodrama.

 But, a word of advice?

 You got a pretty good thing going here. I wouldn't screw it up, if I were you.

 You know, Sebastian, I really like these father-son chats.

 You're a real role model.

 Would you sit the fuck down!

 Thanks, Moose.

 Shut up, losers.

 One mineral water, one iced tea.

 This sure doesn't taste like an iced tea.

 It's from Long Island. Here, have another.

 - What's the latest, Kathryn? - Me, as usual.

 Court, I'd like you to meet Cherie Clayman.

 How's it going, Cherie?

 Excuse me.

 I think we should adjourn to the ladies' room.

 - But I don't have to go. - I do.

 So what do you need my help for? Ow!

 - Want some more? - No.

 - Back in a flash. - Right.

 - So how do you know he likes me? - I can see it in his eyes.

 If you say so. So what do I do about it?

 You're gonna have to let him fuck ou.

 But I've never even been to first base with a guy.

 Well, so we'll start with first base and then we'll move on.

 - Okay. - Okay.

 - Ready? - Ready.

 - That was easy. - Okay, we're gonna try this again.

 This time I want you to close your eyes.

 Court's gonna stick his tongue in your mouth.

 I want you to massage his tongue with yours. Okay?

 Ready.

 You idiot! These are $    pants.

 I'm sorry.

 Oh, God! Stupid bitch.

 He hates me.

 There, there. Shh.

 - Hello? - I told you not to underestimate me.

 - You're unbelievable. - Thank you.

 Oh, come on. The TV series MASH was way better than the movie.

 - If you say so. - I do.

 What time is it?

 - It's   :  . - We've been talking for over an hour.

 Whoo. Call the police.

 Ha-ha. I should get going. Homework.

 Hey, listen, what are you up to on Saturday?

 I'm looking for a tour guide to show me the sights.

 Oh, I can't, I have plans.

 Come on, you gotta rescue me from my psycho stepsister. At least a few hours.

 Look, don't you think we should take this slower?

 You know, I don't really know you and...

 Take what slow? I wasn't asking you on a date.

 - I just wanted to make a new friend. - I know, I wasn't...

 - Man, are you conceited. - No, I'm not conceited. It's just...

 - I have to go. - Hello? Hello?

 Always make an impression.

 - Psycho stepsister? - Evening.

 Evening. Oh, she shot you down.

 Exactly the opposite.

 So what's on the agenda? Matinee of The Lion King?

 Man, you really have it out for her, don't you?

 It must really burn your ass that with all your money and popularity...

 she still won't have anything to do with you.

 Face it, Kathryn... she's outclassed you.

 How dare you talk to me like that, you son of a bitch?

 Well, this has been fun.

 Unfortunately, I have some work to do, and you have to go throw up.

 After all, it was a very big salad you had for dinner.

 - Have you been spying on me? - Oh, my God, I ate a crouton!

 We'll see who gets the last laugh, brother dear.

 Oh, no, I'm sorry!

 It's all my fault. I wasn't thinking. I'll get it. I'll clean it up. Sorry.

 It's okay. It's okay.

 - Stop crying. - Just don't tell anyone.

 What is this, Ben Hur? Do they beat you here?

 Please don't tell anyone.

 Min Lin, relax.

 Christ, it's like a fucking Godzilla movie.

 - You girls know the routine? - Seduce.

 And destroy.

 Shut up.

 Mm, very nice.

 Who the fuck are you? And you?

 I'm Sarah, and this is Gretchen.

 We had a sleep over at Kathryn's, and we're running a little late.

 Do you mind if we share your shower?

 - Yeah. Yeah, be my guest. - Thank you.

 Ooh, pass me the loofah.

 Hey.

 So, what year are you guys?

 - We're seniors. - Cool.

 How do you like Manchester, Sebastian?

 It's...

 It's... it's unbelievably...

 - Unbelievably what? - Unbelievably hard.

 - It certainly is. - Rock hard. Down, boy.

 So, you guys sisters?

 More like kissing cousins.

 Whoa!

 Slippery when wet.

 So, you're seeing Danielle Sherman?

 Who?

 Oh, yeah, yeah, trying to.

 - She's a sweet girl. - You guys would make a great couple.

 Just too bad you're gonna miss out on all the action.

 - What action? - Oh, come on.

 With the exception of Danielle, Manchester Prep's a virtual whorehouse.

 As the school motto goes...

 "If you don't snort it, suck it".

 - Careful. - He splurged.

 But you won't have to worry since you'll be dating the headmaster's daughter.

 No. Guess not.

 - See you on campus. - Ring toss.

 Score.

 Yes!

 Thanks for, you know, sharing.

 - Here, sis, I'll dry you off. - Thanks.

 Shit.

 Breakfast was late, my skirt is mussed...

 and I needed the car last night.

 - I'm sorry, Miss Merteuil... - No excuses!

 Now,just because my mother is out of town does not mean you can slack off.

 Each lapse, each oversight, will be reported.

 Good, you haven't left.

 What's this? Saddam addressing the troops?

 - Allow me, sir. - No, it's all right, Henry.

 There, there, sir. Pay close attention. The perfect Windsor is an art.

 - Rough night last night? - There was a pea under my mattress.

 - I'll look into it, sir. - No, Henry, it was great. It was a ten.

 Can we go now, or do we send Kapoor in our place?

 I almost forgot. Here are your allowances.

 What's this? Annual? Semiannual?

 - Weekly, of course. - This is amazing.

 The leftovers, sir. It's what I like to call mad money.

 Yeah, mad.

 Unless you use it to make someone happy.

 For the Windsor and the advice.

 Thankyou, sir. Thank you very much. Very kind.

 Tutor me in French? Tutor me in French?

 Danielle! Oh, my gosh, am I glad I found you?

 Look, I am flunking French, like tres flunking it.

 - Last quiz: D-minus. - Have you been studying?

 Of course, I study like crazy, but it just goes in one hole and out the other.

 - Well, I wish I could help you. - You can! You can tutor me.

 Mom said I can pay you, unless that's like too totally insulting...

 because, you know, we've got money, and you're the headmaster's daughter...

 and headmasters make, like, zilch.

 Thanks.

 Tutor me, please, please. I'll pay you $    an hour, $   .

 Stop. Of course I'll tutor you. The money doesn't matter.

 Going rate will be fine. God, why does everything have to be about money?

 'Cause it's cool.

 - Do you hear a phone? - Yeah.

 Oh, wait. Sounds like it's coming from here.

 - I don't have a phone. - You do now. "Answer me".

 Oh, my God, so cool. Is it your birthday or something?

 - Hello? - Do you like the phone?

 I might, if it comes with an explanation.

 It does, actually.

 I think I may have real feelings for you.

 - It's Sebastian Valmont, isn't it? -Just a second, okay?

 - Sorry. - Not you. Her.

 - Who's her? - Look, I can't do this from a phone.

 But it's a good phone. Digital.

 - Where are you? You can't be too far. - Look down.

 Oh, it is Sebastian Valmont.

 Don't move. I'm coming down there.

 - Move, Einstein. - Hey!

 Where are you?

 - Close your eyes. - Why?

 -Just trust me. Close your eyes. - I'll look silly.

 Close them now.

 Danielle, wait!

 It's like they say: The best laid plans sometimes suck.

 Miss Merteuil.

 - But I'm excused from gym. - Gym, yes. Ballet, no.

 Well, there must be something I can do to change your mind.

 I think you've got the wrong guy. Now get your ass to ballet.

 Mr. Erwick.

 I was very clear. Keep me out of gym...

 - and ballet. - I can't do anything, all right?

 Hargrove called me into his office. He's suspicious, I heard it in his voice.

 - Why do you think that is? - Well, I'm not sure.

 The Disciplinary Committee, of course.

 You stuttered and stammered like a completely whipped fool...

 and then when you voted, it was obvious you voted the way I wanted you to vote.

 But that's how you did want me to vote. Oh, my God, I'm a mess.

 You're always one step ahead of me. I don't know what to do anymore.

 It's a dirty old man's catch-  .

 Shut up, Steve. Get control of yourself.

 I can't. I'm falling apart.

 My wife doesn't turn me on anymore, my kids hate me. I should just quit.

 Stop blubbering. I'll go back to gym and ballet.

 - You will? - The excuse slips were just a test.

 The day will come when I'lI need you for a favor... a big favor...

 and you'll do it without question.

 Of course. I worship you, Kathryn.

 Worship works best on your knees, Steve.

 Please be quiet. I'm trying to imagine I'm with someone attractive.

 Sorry.

 Hello!

 Anybody!

 Oh, my God, she is terrible.

 If it's so bad here, why don'tyou guys just quit?

 It's steady employment, sir.

 This is a good address. We could be down in the   s!

 Or worse, Scarsdale.

 Ladies there make me crazy!

 All the time sending me to the market looking for gefilte.

 My father... fisherman for    years...

 he never caught one gefilte.

 What is a gefilte?

 - Three kings. - Man!

 - That beats my two pairs. - I got crap.

 Full house,jacks over threes.

 You win again, Master Sebastian.

 You know, Henry, I really wish you'd quit with the "master" thing.

 But sir, it's your title. It shows privilege.

 Yeah, well, what has it gotten me?

 I poured all my money into gifts and didn't get the girl.

 Danielle hates my wealth or resents it or something.

 Perhaps it's not my place to speak, sir.

 No, Henry, please. I'm desperate here.

 Well, maybe she doesn't want to feel like she's being bought.

 - You think that's it? - I don't know. Women are complicated.

 It's been my experience, sir, that women are more interested...

 in the soul of a man than in his trappings.

 What is going on around here?

 I had to ring and ring. And where were you, Frederick?

 I paged you four times.

 I had to take a cab. A cab!

 I'm sorry, we were just...

 Get out of here, all of you.

 And you can be damned sure my mother's gonna hear about this.

 - No, she won't. - What did you say?

 You're not telling anybody about this.

 This was my idea. I ordered them to play cards.

 And to drink Mother's prized       Neufdu Pape?

 Greatyear. Blitzkrieg, wasn't it?

 Don't get smart.

 Whether you realize it or not, you are still a guest in this house.

 You know, you treat these people like dirt. No wonder they don't respect you.

 We pay them for service, not respect. Maybe some day you'll learn that.

 And one day you'll realize that they're human beings.

 Just give me a second here.

 Party's over.

 You know, I don't get it.

 Look, if you hate your mother so much...

 why work so hard to be just like her?

 Is that what you think I'm doing?

 Well, you're obviously trying to prove something to someone.

 No one's this mean, unless...

 unless there's a whole bunch of pain and suffering behind it.

 You think you have it so tough, having to come into this strange house...

 with strange people... try growing up here.

 Try spending every moment of your life just making up for just being here.

 - That doesn't make any sense. - No, it doesn't, does it?

 You feel out of place, Sebastian? You want to fit in?

 Guess what. So do I.

 What a mess.

 - Hello. - Sebastian? It's Cherie.

 News flash. Danielle is totally, madly in love with you.

 Madly in love with me? She hates me.

 - Every move I make is the wrong move. - Yeah, but she told me stuff.

 Every time she thinks about you, every time she sees you, she gets all moist.

 "Moist"?

 Her eyes... she gets tears in them.

 But look, time's running out. You gotta move now.

 She'll be in the city tonight... dinner with her favorite aunt, Riverside Cafe.

 I figure if you go there, bare your soul...

 No gifts though. She hates that money thing. Hello?

 Closet street performer.

 Now you know all my secrets.

 How did you know I was here?

 Nope. Already know. Cherie the blabbermouth.

 Weird girl, but if you get beyond all the "totallys" and "oh, my Gods"...

 there's real truth there.

 - I have to catch my train. - Let me come with.

 I'll make sure you get home all right.

 You can come as far as the station and only if you can do it without talking.

 Not another word... that's my condition.

 Condition accepted.

 All right, all right! Stop! I give up, okay? We can talk. Stop playing.

 You know, I think this is the most romantic city on earth...

 millions of strangers meeting in restaurants, parks, sidewalks...

 a romance born every five seconds, every heartbeat.

 I mean, God, is this a great city or what?

 This is exactly what I'm talking about. You spout BS on a continuous basis.

 Only because I can't say what I really want to say.

 - Say it! - Okay.

 I wanna know what happened at school, in the courtyard.

 I kissed you, and youjust ran off.

 I'm crazy aboutyou! I'm trying everything I can to make you like me.

 Be yourself. Be honest. Why is that so difficult?

 I don't know. Maybe I'm scared.

 You know, I'm new here, right? New to this city...

 new at school...

 living in a house full of certifiable wackos...

 and I don't have any friends...

 at least, any I can trust.

 And I'm confused.

 God's honest truth, I'm in a state of perpetual confusion.

 So what are you scared of?

 Missing my train. See you at school. Bye.

 As you know, your mother gets home tonight.

 And you want me to keep quiet about the poker game.

 I don't like these ideas Sebastian's putting in your head.

 - I mean no disrespect. - Well, I'm offended.

 Leave. I'll finish alone.

 Min Lin, wait.

 Why don't you and I get to know each other, like with Sebastian last night?

 - Do I have to? - Come on, it'll be fun.

 Here.

 I'll jump right in. Where are you from... China,Japan?

 Cambodia actually.

 Cambodia... wonderful country. And when did you come to our United States?

 My family fled through Vietnam.

 Ultimately, we were     crammed into a boat the size of your pantry.

 Oh, my gosh, that reminds me of this time in Denver, coming home from Aspen.

 The first-class lounge was packed. We almost had to fly coach.

 Anyway, so your family fled the Khmer Rouge?

 Nothing subtle about that shade of rouge.

 See? We do have a lot in common.

 Will there be anything else, Miss Kathryn?

 No, that's all.

 I'm glad we did this, aren'tyou?

 Oh, yes. Very enlightening.

 Bitch.

 You got all your pronouns mixed up.

 "Nous "is "we". "Vous "is "you".

 Unless it's someone you're crazy, madly in love with...

 in which case it's "tu", as in you and Sebastian.

 I swear, that thing with the phone... so cool.

 I mean, if it had been me and some guy...

 I would have piddled right there on the spot.

 Oh, wait, did I show you my doodle?

 - Excuse me? - My doodle, my sketch.

 Wow.

 - You've got some talent, Cherie. -Just tell me:

 I mean, do you really like him? Is this it?

 - Is it the real thing? - Like I even know what that is.

 Knees go weak, mouth goes dry...

 you get that little tingling feeling in that special place.

 He's just so slick, so sure of himself.

 I have a lot of trouble trusting him.

 He can't just come out and talk to me, say what he's really feeling...

 and neither can I.

 Okay, chapter three.

 Read the translation of the first passage.

 "Love is a sublime melting pot in which men and women are fused together.

 The lover is a priest, the ravished virgin a trembling sacrifice".

 A priest and a virgin?

 That's sick!

 Move. Move.

 - Hi, Mr. Nagao! - Hello, ladies!

 I make a special mufe and cuke roll today.

 It's so sad about Mr. Washington.

 I mean, the fact that they found a dead rat in that student's sloppy joe.

 He'll never work again.

 So, you never told us how it went with Cherie.

 - Did you bury her? - Let's say she's on her way to ruin.

 - Everything's set for this weekend. - What are you talking about?

 Uh, duh. I told my mom how much fun we had...

 and she invited you and your mom over for nonfat lattes.

 Your mom told my mom that you can sleep over.

 I got the new Hanson album! Okay, I gotta go.

 Gordon Anderson promised he'd show me his one-eyed snake, whatever that is.

 Okay, see you.

 Wow, Kathryn, you really showed her.

 Don't talk. Don't say a word.

 It's my turn to explain.

 All I've done is hound you about being honest...

 when I couldn't do it myself.

 That kiss in the courtyard, Sebastian... it was more than just a kiss.

 - I'll say. - No, let me finish.

 You see...

 it was my first kiss.

 I wanted it to be perfect and right and with the right boy...

 and, while you might have been the right boy, the rest was totally not right.

 I embarrassed you.

 I embarrassed myself.

 Because I know you're used to girls with all this experience...

 and you've probably been kissing girls forever...

 and that's what I was afraid to tell you.

 I happen to think this is wonderful, all right?

 So you weren't exactly up-front and honest. Join the club.

 I wanted it to be perfect...

 not the tail end of some prank.

 Does that make any sense?

 Yeah.

 You know, some things can't be orchestrated.

 Some things have to be spontaneous, like a kiss.

 Like the kiss we're about to have right now.

 Say something, quick.

 I can't.

 I have to go. Last bell.

 Okay, but...

 just back away so I know you're not running away.

 That was wonderful...

 just precious.

 How long were you there?

 "I've never kissed a boy before... I mean, the right boy...

 and you've probably been kissing girls forever".

 You must feel like a terrible dope, leading on that poor, lovesick girl.

 You don't know what you're talking about.

 Here's a prediction: A few weeks of hand-holding and chaste smooching...

 and you'll be so bored and horny you'll mess the whole thing up.

 Of course, I could wipe her off the map tomorrow....

 but I think I'll let this little romance just flicker out all on its own.

 I like the girl, okay? I like her a lot. You screw it up, and I'll screw you up.

 Nobody ever threatens me.

 I just did... or weren't you listening?

 - You do realize this means war. - Then war it is.

 Lovely.

 Well, I feel badly for you, I really do...

 but Byron needs to be groomed every day at  :  .

 Well, you'll just have to reschedule your daughter's birthday.

 Now, I want him saddled and ready to ride when I arrive.

 Don't keep me waiting. Idiot!

 There's a new student at Manchester... Cherie Clayman.

 Did she die?

 - I take it you don't like her. - I can't stand her.

 She's actually very sweet, so I'm turning her into the school slut.

 - Well, she's now your new best friend. - Why?

 You're not hitting up the Claymans for a donation to Manchester.

 Sorry, Mother. I think it's an excellent idea.

 - The Claymans will join us at  :  . - You invited them here?

 Mother, they're from California.

 Kathryn, I need this.

 Just    million more and we can break ground on the Tiffany Merteuil Library.

 Well, you ladies seem to be enjoying yourselves.

 You must be tense, Sebastian.

 Yeah, well, you'd be too if you were failing gym.

 I mean, who ever heard offencing as a sport?

 Perhaps a massage would help.

 I've never had a massage before.

 You can have my table. I'm suddenly not in the mood.

 "Mycket", not "myckesh".

 Kathryn, if you're not going to say it correctly, don't say it at all.

 It just makes you look foolish.

 Thank you for the correction, Mother.

 Now, if you'll excuse me.

 I think I could get used to this.

 Hi.

 Dead puppies, dead puppies, dead puppies...

 old nuns in their underwear...

 I thought you'd left.

 - Is that Sonja or Ingrid? - It's Tiffany.

 - I hope you enjoyed your massage. - I think I'll go take a shower.

 We've had so little time together, Sebastian.

 We can't be a happy family if we don't get to know each other a little better.

 You're right, Mom. We should talk more, Mom.

 With your father working on the yacht so much, I'lI have plenty of time for you.

 You know, some nights he doesn't even come home.

 He loves that yacht.

 I'm glad he found something he's so committed to.

 Well, the right woman will do that.

 - And you think I'm the right woman? - Definitely. He's a changed man.

 Ofcourse. Without me he'd still be in Miami giving charters to geriatrics.

 It's not the money, it's you. He loves you.

 You're a smart boy, Sebastian. You seem to understand your father very well.

 I hope so.

 So do I, because if you're wrong, you're both going to end up out on the street.

 She spanked me.

 - Oh, baby. Oh, that feels so good. - Oh, yeah, you like that, huh?

 - Dad, you here? - Fuck! Fuck!

 Hey, son, how's it goin'?

 - In bed already? - Oh, it's just a catnap.

 What are you doing?

 Oh, I'm just looking for the cat.

 Here, puss, puss, puss, puss, puss.

 I hope you're not suggesting I'm having an affair.

 - I'm not suggesting anything. - I'm your father...

 and I will not be treated like a criminal!

 Criminal.

 You could have fooled me.

 And behind door number three we have...

 - Hello. - Sebastian, meet Lilly...

 my first mate.

 Lilly, I'm Sebastian, Edward's son.

 Oh, my God, you have your father's eyes. Are you a Libra?

 Let's just cut right to the chase, shall we?

 He offered to sail you around the world, didn't he?

 How did you know?

 Leave right now, or you're grounded for a week.

 - Did he tell you he's married? - I was waiting for the right time.

 You lied to me?

 More an error of omission. You see, she's very sick.

 I may be single any day now.

 Go to hell!

 Sebastian, you think you could help me out here?

 Okay, okay, I know we talked about this...

 but you're a man, and you have to understand...

 You have to understand.

 It's not just your life anymore, Dad, it's mine too. Don't screw it up for me.

 Absolutely. You can count on me, son. The keys, please?

 You know, you made your bed. Now lie in it.

 Well, this sucks.

 I can't believe I was so stupid.

 I really thought your dad liked me.

 It's not your fault.

 He's the master of deceit. He should be in the Pathological Liars' Hall of Fame.

 He was in the Hall of Fame?

 - Never mind. - Can I ask you something?

 - Sure. - Why are men such jerks?

 I mean, is it genetic or something?

 You know, they promise you the world, that you're the one for them...

 and that their wives don't understand them anymore.

 And I fall for it every time.

 I'm like a doormat. They're always coming and going...

 and coming and going, and coming and...

 My life sucks.

 Lilly, you don't need a man to be happy.

 If you're not happy alone, you're not gonna be happy with someone else.

 You're a very attractive woman. You could have anyone you want.

 You just have to wait for the right guy to come along.

 - You think I'm attractive? - I think you're beautiful.

 You're so sincere.

 You're not like your father at all.

 Okay. Glad you were paying attention.

 Do you wanna come back to my place?

 I'd love to, but I have an oral report due in the morning.

 Oh, I'm great at orals.

 - Yeah. - Try me.

 No, thank you.

 Listen, I'm gonna split. Are you gonna be okay?

 Yeah, I'll be fine.

 Psycho.

 I lived in Fresnomy whole life. Les too.

 But we wanted more for Cherie, so when Les sold the biz...

 we decided to move to the Big Apple.

 And how are you finding Manchester?

 Oh, it's no problem. Our driver... he takes me right there.

 She's asking you if you like it, honey.

 Oh, yeah, it's the best. And Kathryn's been, like, so super-nice.

 You know, some girls... they told me to stay away from her...

 like she had permanent PMS or something.

 Ew, gross! But she's been, like, totally awesome!

 I can tell she's going to be very popular.

 - Oh, I won't be as popular as you. - "Popular" is such a bore.

 The important thing is school spirit, and nobody has as much as my mother.

 I do a little work for the school fund-raising committee.

 You are so modest.

 Mother's already raised half the money needed for the new school library.

 How much money have you raised?

 Well, she barely has to do anything. The parents practically throw it at her.

 Why do they throw money at you?

 Because charity is smiled upon by the ladies who lunch.

 Society, Cherie. You know... the social ladder?

 Oh, yeah. My mom said now that we're rich...

 we gotta start climbing that thing.

 - Ow! What? - Isn't she precious?

 - Would you excuse me? Pardon me. - Certainly.

 So, how much money do you need?

 Oh, I didn't invite you over here to discuss fund-raising, Bunny...

 but if you'd care to make a donation, we'd certainly consider it.

 Really? Why, thank you.

 My pleasure.

 Oh, hi, honey. How was your day? I can explain this.

 There's no need to explain. I know you love my mother very much.

 Yes. Exactly.

 And Sebastian and I are just getting close.

 I know you'd never do anything to break up our happy home.

 - Oh, no, never. - So let's make sure it stays happy.

 I want you to take Mother to dinner at Au Troquet for dinner tomorrow night.

 I'll make reservations at  :  . At  :   an accordion player will pass by.

 When he does, request "Under MyThumb" by the Rolling Stones.

 Mick Jagger makes Mother all hot and bothered.

 - Jagger. Got it. - While she's listening...

 slip this on her finger, then kiss her... eight seconds, no tongue.

 Are you getting all this? After dinner, grappa... one glass...

 then bring her home, make love to her... two Viagra... any questions?

 Just in case, I've written it all down for you.

 Now, who's your favorite daughter?

 You are.

 What a shame.

 Morning!

 Great day, isn't it?

 Bite me, rich boy!

 Ah, New York... a wonderful town.

 - You look fabulous. - Thank you.

 - You got everything? You all set? - Yeah.

 You ought to take some money,just in case you need a cab, miss the train...

 - Don't worry, Dad. I'll be fine. - Come on, this is my job... to worry.

 - What's wrong? - Nothing. Just thought about your mom.

 - Go on. Have a good time. - Okay.

 - Bye. - Bye.

 Sebastian thought you'd like it better than the train.

 Wow.

 I am so excited. You know, I'm kind of nervous.

 - I've never been on a horse before. - Don't worry.

 I won't let anything bad happen toyou.

 If I like it, then I'lI have Daddy buy me a horse...

 then we can spend every weekend together.

 You'll love it. I promise.

 Very good, Cherie.

 Back on the horse now. I think we're ready to try advanced jumping.

 I don't know. He keeps throwing me off.

 All right. If you're going to be a scaredy-cat...

 I guess we'd better go back to the basics... Manuela?

 Nice horsey.

 Okay. Now, using the stirrups...

 I want you to push up and down in the saddle... that's called posting.

 Now we need to add the back and forth motion.

 When you hit the saddle, push backward, then forward.

 Up and down, back and forth, faster, faster.

 Up and down, back and forth, faster, faster.

 Good. This time I want you to really grind into the saddle.

 - Okay. - Up and down, back and forth...

 faster, faster.

 - How does that feel? - Okay.

 Up and down. I think I'm getting it.

 - Posting is fun. - Faster, faster.

 Really fun.

 Are you okay?

 I've never felt better.

 Now I know why girls like horses.

 Wait.

 I don't know if I'm ready for this.

 - It's cool. - I'm sorry.

 It's just that yesterday was my first kiss...

 and now you're practically touching my breast.

 At this rate, your dick will be in my mouth by lunch.

 Anyone for lunch?

 I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

 Listen, Danielle, we can take this as slow as you want.

 I like you. I've no need to rush things.

 That's not my problem. I want to rush things.

 I'm tired of being the only virgin in the sophomore class at Manchester.

 Are you telling me that everyone in the sophomore class has done it?

 Well, it sure feels like it.

 I don't know. Ever feel like you're at war with yourself?

 - Constantly. - I mean, there's one side of me...

 that wants you to throw me down right here and rip my clothes off.

 Then there's this other side of me that thinks I should wait till I'm married.

 Which side should I choose, Sebastian?

 You really want me to answer that?

 Come on, be my friend.

 Listen, Danielle...

 I know exactly what you're going through.

 We all have two sides. I struggle with my dark side every day.

 But that was the old me.

 Believe it or not, I have you to thank for it.

 You showed me that it was okay to be a decent person.

 How dark was your past?

 Pitch black.

 I'm thinking...

 I think I'm falling in love with you.

 But I'm afraid to take the chance to get hurt.

 - I'm afraid of getting hurt too. - Listen, let's make a pact.

 We'll take it slow, and we won't hurt each other.

 God, we sound like a cancelled television series.

 You don't have to do this.

 I want to.

 Hello?

 Hi, Daddy. I know, I'm running late.

 Tell Aunt Gloria we can still make the  :   mass.

 Yeah, I'll call you when I get there. I love you too.

 - You gotta go? It's okay. - Sorry. Call me later?

 - Sure. - Okay.

 - Toodles. - Bye-bye.

 Oh, my balls.

 - Here's something you might like. - Dolce.

 How '   of you. Do you carry any real fur?

 No, all of our fur is faux.

 Of course. The animals... how silly of me.

 I figured you'd be here.

 - What's up? - It's about Sebastian.

 Give me the dirt.

 Your stepbrother has quite the checkered past.

 I mean, the fact that he was able to pay off that overnight delivery guy...

 and switch his school fi le?

 That's impressive even by my standards.

 - That's just the tip of the iceberg. - Well done.

 Cash or charge?

 - I'll be there in an hour. - Sounds great.

 The new James Van Der Beek film's playing in town.

 Perfect. You're sure your dad won't mind?

 No, he's out of town for the night. It's just me and Mr. Whiskers.

 - "Mr. Whiskers"? - My pussy, silly.

 Okay, well, I'll see you soon. All right. Bye.

 The school virgin's home alone with her pussy, and I'm taking her to see Dawson.

 God, I've become a total fag.

 - I guess I misjudged you. - What are you talking about?

 How'd you get this?

 I have my ways.

 - Kathryn, I'm trying to start over... - Oh, blah, blah, blah, blah, please.

 Spare me any sob stories.

 Oh, dear. I guess something like this...

 could destroy your squeaky-clean reputation at Manchester.

 And that school psychologist's report about your mom... it's too bad.

 How will she pay for rehab when I tell Mommy where some of her money's going?

 - You're playing with fire, Kathryn. - Poor Sebastian's mom is going to be...

 homeless and eating leftovers out of the garbage.

 You don't know what I'm capable of.

 Yes, I do.

 I read your file.

 It turns me on.

 - Fuck off. - Going to see Danielle?

 Leave her out of it!

 Looks like we've hit a sensitive spot.

 Do you really think you can change, Sebastian?

 Face it: You and I are two ofa kind.

 We're just not cut out for good deeds.

 I know the drill.

 You'll date Danielle...

 probably sleep with her after... what...you think eight months?

 And then you'll get bored, and you'll break her heart.

 Why don't you just spare her the pain?

 And do what? Date you?

 We could make a good team.

 What do you plan on doing with my file?

 Do I sense a merger in the air?

 Perhaps.

 You do realize you're my stepsister.

 You know what they say about incest.

 Is there any line you won't cross?

 Only one: never in the butt.

 That's a good line.

 The Bradys never had it so good.

 - I can't do this. - Not with your pants on.

 - I gotta go. - You fucking pussy!

 - I gotta get outta this house. - What, is this about Danielle?

 You don't understand, Kathryn. I love her.

 - You have a funny way of showing it. - Fuck you. I won't let you corrupt me.

 Don'tyou see? You can't change.

 - I can try. - Well, you're gonna die trying.

 - Hello? - Hello, Danielle?

 - Sebastian, you're soaking. - We have to talk.

 Well, come inside before you catch yourself pneumonia.

 Here.

 Thanks.

 What's wrong?

 I don't know, it's...

 It's okay. You can talk to me. Go slow.

 I just... I feel like I'm losing it.

 You know, I gotta get outta New York. I gotta get outta school.

 It's Kathryn, isn't it?

 I don't think I can beat her.

 Sebastian, do you believe in a higher power?

 - Yeah. - Do you believe that love conquers all?

 - Yes. - Do you believe in our love?

 Yeah. It's the only thing keeping me together.

 - So you believe in our love? - Yes, I believe in our love.

 'Cause I sure as hell don't.

 What?

 Fucking idiot.

 Bravo.

 - I told you I could do it. - I should never have doubted you.

 Don't tell me you bought that virgin bullshit.

 No, I saw you. You were with your dad.

 What he doesn't know can't hurt him.

 I am the headmaster's daughter.

 Daddy's little angel must keep up appearances.

 - Holy fuck. - Oh, don't be such a baby.

 You didn't really think you were gonna win, did you?

 - You're welcome to join us. - Hmm?

 You know what they say: Two's company, three's a fuckload of fun.

 Well, if you can't beat 'em...

 Who says you can't beat 'em?

 Share and share alike.

 Sebastian-Now you'll have something to write about. Danielle.

 - Herzog. - Oh, shit!

 - Are you okay? - I'm fine.

 Oh, you really should try to be more careful.

 Thank you. Oh, my bike!

 Could we offer you a ride home?

 Sorry. My mom said I'm not allowed to take rides from strangers. Oh, it's you.

 I was just going to Danielle's house.

 - I'll take care of the bike. - Okay.

 - Oh, thank you so much. I owe you huge. - No problem.

 - It's Debbie, right? - No, Cherie.

 Whatever.

 You know, Debbie, has anyone ever told you you could be a model?

 - Really? - Yeah.

 - It's too bad you're not sexy. Really? - Bull! I can be sexy. Uh-huh.

 All right. Show me sexy.

 Very nice.

 That's my special place. Holy shit!

 Oh, horsey. Horsey.