Voila! Finally, the Deconstructing Harry
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Woody Allen movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Deconstructing Harry. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
l never could start
one those fires.
Dad, are you gonna have
chicken or meat?
Chicken's fine.
This is a brilliant article.
Norman!
-You read Ken's article on China?
-No, l haven't.
Terrific article.
And where is Ken?
He's in the house
watching the Yankee game.
Your husband comes for a day
in the country.
And heads straight
forthe TV set.
Ken, come on honey!
How many chicken?
How many hamburgers?
Two more outs. Three minutes.
Everybody's dying for a libation.
Make some of your famous
Stoli martinis.
Janet, when are you going
to have a child?
You've let your sister have a
big head start.
Let Leslie practice viola hours
a day. lt's not so easy.
Leave her alone.
l came in to make drinks
for everybody.
-What are you doing? Want a drink?
-Sure.
l was.
This is nuts!
We gotta get out of here.
What? No, we'll get caught.
l see them by the lake.
They're deep in conversation.
Wait! There's Janet!
No. lt's okay.
You can't scare me like that.
l grind my teeth. Just don't
scare me like that.
Just a false alarm.
Listen, try not to actually chew.
Wouldn't it be great
to be off alone.
Just relaxed. You and me.
lt'd be so great.
Let's hang in. You never know.
Come on, open wide.
Turn the Yankee game off and
come out here now!
l will. Just one minute.
lt's almost over.
l'm done.
-Come any time you want.
-Can l?
l'm done!
l'm ready!
Leslie, is that you?
Can you lead me
down to the lake?
Just a minute, Grandma.
l'm making some martinis.
-Sure, dear.
-l want to finish.
Ken? ls that you?
Finish what?
Hello!
-Come, Ken.
-Come?
Come, lead me to the lake.
Ever since l lost my second eye...
l feel so frail.
You don't have to moan.
lt's not that terrible.
Ken is hurrying, Grandma.
Would you do the olives?
Could you do them quickly?
You can use onions, too.
l prefer onions,
don't you, Ken?
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Boy, you must really
love onions!
-Lucy?
-You schmuck! You bastard!
l'd like to cut your head off.
You're upset, right?
You knewwhat'd happen!
What are you talking about?
Don't answer me, prick!
You knew! You just didn't
give a shit!
Take your coat off.
How could you write that book?
Are you so selfish...
you don't give a shit
who you destroy?
-l can tell you're angry.
-You told ourwhole story!
You gave me away to my sister!
Marvin's left me. He's gone.
lt was loosely based on us.
Don't bullshit me, motherfucker!
Do you think you're talking...
to one ofthose retarded
talk show hosts?
l lived through it with you.
l know how loosely based it is.
What, are you telling me your
blind grandmother...
caught us fucking?
Never!
Of course, you made a few
stupid exaggerations.
or, as the critics say:
"inspired comic flights".
But Jane recognized it.
You'd have to be sub-mental not to.
And Marvin was crushed!
Jane has suspected us for so long.
l know! And l denied it!
And now, you've gone...
and confirmed it all for her!
Big fucking deal!
You made Leslie shorter!
Big fucking deal!
But it's all here!
The schmuck country doctor,
the violinist...
her sister in Connecticut
cheating with her husband.
The picture window, for Chrissake!
Cruel observations about Marvin...
and his barbecue and chef's hat.
And of course, Jane,
or as you so pathetically...
disguise her...
Janet.
Here it is:
"lt was not just that Leslie
was numbed...
with the spate of leaden
perceptions...
that passed forwit from Marvin.
Norwas the image
she shared with Ken...
of Marvin's flaccid
microscopic member...
jiggling up and down
as he tiptoed naked...
across the icy floor
oftheir home...
to close the storm windows.
lt was that she
had never loved him...
but she wanted children to retaliate
against her sister...
who was not maternal, and whose
every inch, Leslie felt...
was occupied by gluttonous
self-love.
Ken fondled Leslie's large breasts,
mounting her from the rear."
Big fucking deal!
-You gave her large breasts!
-Leslie...
Lucy!
l'm Lucy, motherfucker!
Not Leslie!
Except of course,
l am Leslie...
because you didn't disguise it!
You didn't give a fuck!
You didn't care enough
to disguise it!
Please!
You pulled out two years ago.
You broke my fucking heart.
You left yourwife and me...
for some little cooze!
Me and Janet!
Jane. Janet is the character
in the book.
Now...
two years later...
your latest magnum opus...
emerges from this sewer of
an apartment...
where you take our suffering
and turn it into gold...
literary gold!
Everyone's misery,
you even cause misery...
and use your alchemy...
to turn it into gold, like
some fucking black magician!
l'm the one who
wound up in Bellevue.
You deserve it and worse.
You ruined my life!
l'll blow my brains out!
What's wrong with you?
ln front of you...
because you caused it.
My brains on your carpet!
You're unstable!
Will you relax?
That's why l turn you on.
Jane's crazy sister.
You're not going to kill yourself.
No. you're not,
because it's not in you.
You're neverwere
the dramatic type.
Jane is the dramatic sister.
Jane is the solo violinist.
Relax, for Christ's sake.
You're right.
l don't have the nerve
to kill myself.
l knew it as l came over here...
l said no.
Not me.
Betterto kill him.
Pardon me?
Kill the black magician.
So he can't spin any more
gold out of human misery.
What's wrong with you?
Shut up!
-Put it down.
-You're so fucking verbal.
You talked me into giving you..
a blowjob at
my father's funeral!
You stop right there!
Don't pull the trigger!
lf it makes you happy, my life's
been going badly.
l've been miserable. My girl
left me for a friend of mine.
lnsomnia. l've got herpes.
l squandered all l have
on shrinks...
and lawyers and whores.
Fatigue syndrome.
l won't stand up here on this
fucking roof...
with aworld-class meshugana
cunt and beg for my life...
lf you want, shoot me!
You interrupted me...
-Whose life were you exploiting today?
-You'll be happy.
lt was re-writing.
An autobiographical thing from
when l was first married.
HarveySternmarriedtooyoung...
to escapehisparent's apartment,
arent-controlledcornucopia...
ofguilt, and
sou-deadeningcriticism.
By day, helaboredin a shoe store.
Bynight, heglowedintenselyover
his Remingtonportable.
Are you coming to bed?
l'm in the middle of a sentence.
-l lost my thread.
-l feel rejected.
We never sleep together anymore.
l don't knowwhat it is.
l'm just not attracted to her.
-What does she do to put you off?
-lt's my fault, too.
l lie, telling her
l'm too wrapped up in work...
when l'm actually hyper-sexually
aroused. Just not for her.
Who for?
Anyone else.
Shehas a sister.
l'm dyingto fuckher.
A doll, thicklips.
HerfriendJennifer?.
ldream ofher.
lnevercaredaboutAfrican
historybutshe's spellbinding.
The truth is,
lneversee a woman..
thatldonīt wonder
whatshe's likeinbed.
l met a great hooker!
A hooker?
Beautiful. From China.
Unbelievable body.
Schooled by tradition
in the art of pleasing men.
Fifty clams.
lsn't that cheating on yourwife?
No. lt's not cheating.
She's a hooker.
lt's not like a love affair.
You don't feel for a professional
like you do for yourwife.
She comes over,
rubs on her oils...
Oils?
lnto the sack.
She takes you to the moon.
Lay half a C-note on her
she's history.
Where would you do it?
l couldn't have her
at my apartment.
You get a hotel room. lt's what
l do when the wife's home.
l don't have the dough.
Fifty's a lot in itself.
Maybe a friend'll let you use
his place.
You're always bitching about
your sex life.
l'm trying to help.
l tell her you
gave me the number?
Not my name!
Don't use your real name.
Of course. Not the real name.
You borrow a friend's apartment,
you use his name.
That way it'll be on the bell.
Goodfortune smiledon Harvey.
One ofhisbest friends,
MendelBirnbaum, washitbya car,
andhoveredbetweenlife anddeath
atNew YorkHospital...
freeingup agreatbachelor
apartment...
forHarvey's tryst.
Donningthe otherman's robe...
Harveybecame
the swingerMendelBirnbaum...
andwaited...
his Orientalpassporttoparadise.
You must be Mendel Birnbaum.
Did you enjoy it?
-Are you kidding? Be right back.
-Where you going?
l'm going to check my pants
for another .
l'd like to go again.
Yes?
-Mendel Birnbaum?
-Yes.
Open.
Who is it?
Who are you?
l've come for you.
-What are you talking about?
-l'm Death...
and your name is on my list.
No!
Wait a minute.
You've made a mistake.
You don't have a minute.
l'm not Mendel...
Don't give me that bullshit!
Look at your monogram.
Mendel?
Who are you talking to?
Don't call me Mendel.
-Please. l'm just using his pad.
-Right!
They always have an excuse.
Let's go!
Move it, you little putz!
l'm on the roof.
She's pointing a gun at me...
we're out in the cold
and l'm panicked.
l tell her a story l wrote
when l was younger...
and she found it funny,
thank God.
She laughed and relaxed and
she puts the gun down.
So yourwriting saved your life.
lt's amazing to me, you know?
The interesting thing apart
from the obvious sexual guilt...
that l had when
l was young in the story...
is that nothing's changed.
lt's years later.
l had a shrink then and now...
l'm six shrinks later...
l'm three wives down the line.
And l still can't get
my love life in order.
l still love whores.
lt's ideal. You pay them, and
they come to the house...
and you don't have to discuss
Proust or films or...
l don't knowwhat's
happening to me.
l just have not grown up
and l feel...
l see other guys my age.
l think of fucking
every woman l meet.
l meet awoman in the bank...
or on the bus...
l think: What's she look like naked?
Can l fuck her?
This is crazy.
l see guys l knowthat
are lawyers and doctors...
with families and houses.
They're not so...
Does the U.S. President want
to fuck every woman he meets?
Bad example.
l don't know.
Take Raoul Wallenberg...
Did he want to bang every
waitress in Europe?
Probably not.
Tell me about
your honoring ceremony.
That's bullshit.
The same school that
threw me out years ago...
nowwants to honor me.
Why'd they throw you out?
Because l was not
interested in college.
l wanted to be awriter.
Writing was all l cared about.
l did not care about
the real world.
l cared only about
the world of fiction.
Plus l tried to give...
the dean's wife and enema.
They didn't like that.
The sad thing is...
l've gotta drive way
upstate to be honored...
and l have to go alone.
l got nobody to go with...
What about bringing
your son with you?
l can't. lt's not
my visiting time.
Joan is completely
inflexible, so...
She won't trade dates with you?
l can't even get her
on the phone.
She hates me and...
forthe first time in my life
l have writer's block.
Nowthis, to me, is unheard of.
l start these short stories
and l can't finish them.
l can't get into my novel...
because l took an advance.
l don't know.
l find l'm taking more pills
and medicine and...
You remind me ofthat story
you were working on...
twomonths ago...
"TheActor"...
Something's wrong with this lens.
This one, too? l changed lenses!
What do you mean?
Focus is off!
-l don't knowwhy it's a problem.
-The center's out of focus.
l checked all the lenses,
they can't be soft.
Let's move it. lt's late.
l'm tryin' to shoot Mel
and he's soft.
What?
-Where do you rent these lenses?
-The lenses are fine!
-Mel's out of focus!
-That's what l said.
Not the lens.
l mean Mel himself.
Let me see!
Get the hell out.
You're right. Mel's out of focus.
What are you saying?
l said the actor's out of focus.
How can this be?
ls something wrong?
Mel, come here.
l don't know howto say this...
but you're soft.
l've gained some weight.
lt's not that. You're soft.
You're out of focus.
l don't knowwhy.
ls there anything we can do?
l can't adjust forthis.
Look at yourself.
You sure you're okay?
lt's fuzzy.
All right, look...
Mel's out of focus.
You're not in focus.
Nothing to do.
lt's o'clock, anyway.
Why don't we just wrap?
We'll wrap and
we'll see what happens
Now look. l want you
to go home.
And l want you to rest.
And see if you can
sharpen up.
Grace, l'm home.
Hi, honey.
What's the matter?
You look strange.
l'm out of focus.
Yeah...
You are. Just a little bit.
You are.
And you look pale.
Daddy, you're all blurry!
Maybe you should lie down.
-l'll bring tea and toast?
-Daddy's out of focus!
Daddy doesn't need that, okay?
Come on now, you be nice.
What happened at work today?
First they thought
it was the camera...
Reuben! Stop it!
They thought it was the camera...
but it was me!
-Really?
-They send me home.
-lt's humiliating.
-You eat anything strange? Shellfish?
No. This is not
an allergic reaction.
You knowwhat?
l just need to get a good
night's sleep.
-l'm sure that's all it is.
-What happened to you?
Getagoodnight's sleep.
Turn in early...
andtomorrowyou'llbe fine.
But the followingmorning
things didnotimprove.
ln fact, the situation was worse.
Melwasmore outoffocus
than ever.
l gotta get to the doctor.
Never seen anything like this.
Nothing's wrong with you,
except you're out of focus.
What's the matter?
lt's from looking at Mel.
l'm a little seasick.
That's why l want everyone
to try these.
-l don't wear glasses.
-Wait, let's see.
l don't want glasses.
-Put 'em on so you can see me.
-Better!
-l look stupid with these on.
-Come on. Put 'em on.
-Daddy'll be much sharper.
-Want to see Daddy?
Put those on and
we won't get headaches.
Despite the fact children
don't want to wear glasses...
they're forced to.
You expect the world to adjust...
to the distortion
you've become.
l don't expect anything.
l'm going through something.
Forthe first time in my life
l can't seem to write.
lt's not coming.
And for me...
all l have in life
is my imagination.
Ourtime is up.
Have fun at the honoring ceremony.
lt'd be good if you took
your son with you.
Joan!
-You never return calls.
-Leave me alone!
-How do l reach you?
-Shall l call the police?
l've got a question.
-Will you stop?
-No. l won't listen.
Tomorrowthey honor me at my old
school. l want to take Hilly.
-He has school tomorrow.
-Trade a visitation day.
No! l have plans with him.
lt'd be good for him
to see me honored.
l don't want him to.
l don't want him to see you ever!
He'll have a day in the country.
Will you stop?
A day in the country.
What is so bad?
He is years old.
Where does he learn phrases like
"banging beaver" and " fuck God"?
What are you saying?
From me?
Do l look like an imbecile?
l know your conversations with him...
and l heard about "Open School Week".
Beth Kramerwas appalled.
Dad?
Why doesn't my penis
look like yours?
Why doesn't your penis
look like mine?
Because your mother and l...
never had you circumcised.
When l was your age, you know
what kids used to do?
They used to name their penises.
l'm going to name mine Dillinger.
Dillinger is perfect!
Dillinger is great!
Hilly, you're inspired.
A genius.
Dillingerwas a genius
in his chosen profession...
like Willy Sutton.
Remember howwe
discussed Freud once?
Freud said the two most important
things in life...
are the work that you chose
and sex.
Those two things.
Women...
are God.
God's awoman?
No. l'm not saying that.
We don't know ifthere's
a God...
but there are women.
Not in some imaginary heaven,
but right here on earth.
And some ofthem...
some ofthem...
shop at Victoria's Secret...
Beth Kramer has never been
so mortified in her entire life.
Beth Kramer's atight-assed,
busybody cunt...
and it's none of her business
how l speak to my son.
She is a decent parent
and great friend.
Bullshit!
Just change one visitation day.
What is so terrible?
No! He is not going to miss school!
lf Hilly was sick
he would miss school!
Yes, he would.
But he's not sick...
and he's not spending the day
with his pill-popping...
alcoholic...
beaver-banging
excuse for a father.
Years ago you didn't say that
about me.
-You were an easy-going spirit...
-Put it in a book.
What am l saying?
You already did.
"Epsteinhadmarried
his thirdshrink.
He'dconfessedhis
feelings forheroften.
She seemedtoputitdown
to transference
Butone dayshe surprisedhim."
l think it best...
that we terminate your
treatment.
And then, l think we should...
give it a substantial
period oftime.
Then, ifwe both feel
the same way...
l think we can begin
to see each other again...
socially.
"lt was, to Epstein thinking...
amatchmade in Heaven.
Here, atlast, was a woman who
understoodhim."
You know all my secrets,
every nuance of my psychic life.
l've admitted every feeling
and desire in therapy.
Now it's yourturn
to explore me.
Yeah, but you accept
all my perversions.
Being tied up, watching you
with otherwomen.
Feeling your spike heels
in my mouth.
Non one can say l didn't know...
what l was letting myself in for.
The firsttwoyears
were amazing.
Theymovedto a West
Side apartment.
He wrote.
She sawpatients.
Butherbestinsights
were intohis work.
What one comes away with
is yourtotal isolation.
Your fear of people,
your panic over closeness.
And that's why your real life
is so chaotic...
and yourwriting
is so much more...
controlled and stable.
You're unable to..
ltall wentquite well...
untilHelenbecamepregnant
andgavebirth.
From then on, asifshe'd
hada divinerevelation...
Shebecame whatEpstein
referredto angrily...
as "Jewish with a vengeance."
l rue the day
l listened to you...
and l didn't have him
circumcised.
Are you nuts?
We can still do it.
No!
He's too old.
-Sure. Now he's too old.
-What is wrong with you?
You're like a born-again Christian
except you're aJew.
l see my father's face in Hillel.
Hilliard. His name is Hilliard.
We didn't name him Hillel.
Not after some rabbi.
Hilliard Epstein.
l'm sick of smug cynicism.
There's value in tradition.
l thought it meant nothing,
but nowthat l'm a mother, it does.
l see not only meaning
in Judaism, but true beauty.
You're a scientist!
Einstein was a scientist!
And he was aJew!
And he was religious!
"Helenhadtaken on
the obligation ofdailyprayers.
Jews, ofcourse, fearing
a wrathfuland vengefulgod...
givepraise andthanks
foreverything."
Baruch atah adonai elohenu melech
ha-olam...
borei pree hagofen.
Hamotzi lechem...
min ha-oretz.
Vitzi-vonu l'hadlik nair
shel shabat.
Boreh pree ha...blowjob.
Andone daytheinevitable
happened.
A patientofHelen's,
anlsraeli...
whohadcome toher, depressed
thathis wifehadlefthim...
capturedHelen'sheart."
l think it best...
that we terminate your
treatment,...
give it a substantial time.
Then, ifwe feel the same way...
start to see each other...
socially.
Lost in thought, l think.
l was just, l was thinking
about a book l wrote.
-Well, l'm a mess.
-What's the matter?
l'm going to the doctor.
l have pains in my chest.
lt's nothing.
lt's indigestion or gallbladder
or acid reflux...
l've got a family history.
My dad died of heart attack...
my mother died
of a massive coronary.
Both brothers died before they
were from heart failure.
Why waste time talking?
Get an ambulance.
Are you busy?
l was going to see my editor.
l just hate going alone.
My mother died
giving birth to me.
Forwhich my father
never forgave me.
lt's funny. l wish before he died,
l had forgiven him.
But we're morbid. You think
you're dying but you're not.
Today they got lasers,
all kinds of...
Yeah, you and science, right?
Nothing wrong with science.
Between air-conditioning and the
Pope, l'll take air-conditioning.
l'm scared.
l'm really scared.
Can l change the subject?
You know l have writer's block?
l know.
l have awriter's block.
First time in my life...
l can't come up with an idea,
something to hold my interest.
Since Fay left you you've been
having trouble.
l'm seeing Fay later
for a drink.
l think is very good.
She's good for you.
She's a lot betterthan...
a lot ofthose other
crazies that...
My God! My arm!
l'm telling you it's nothing.
Nothing.
l'm not scared.
-You're in great shape.
-Really?
You just have a little
bursitis in your arm.
That's fantastic!
My God, thank you!
The loveliest words
to hear are not, "l love you"...
but "lt's benign."
We could do more tests,
but l don't think so.
Your heart's in great shape.
l hurt my back some weeks a go
opening a sub-zero refrigerator.
-Let me buy a cup of coffee.
-Let me schedule you.
-No. l don't have time.
-Let me schedule you.
What are you doing tomorrow?
l'm busy. Why?
l'm going to my old school.
The honoring me.
l'd like someone
to come with me.
l can't get out ofthis thing...
but that's great.
Congratulations.
-You look great.
-Thank you.
You look a little tired.
l'm struggling with this book.
Naturally, l spent the advance...
and l'm having atough...
atough time.
l wanted to have
this drink because...
Can l get a red wine?
Same thing she has, please?
l wanted to be the first
to tell you that...
l'm getting married.
Don't say that!
-Why?
-What do you mean?
Because...
l love you.
How can you get married?
Don't!
-Who? ls it Larry?
-Yes, it's Larry!
l knew it!
l don't fucking believe this!
This guy's allegedly
a friend of mine.
lt's the Devil.
And l introduced you.
When Larry's around.
l smell burning sulfur.
Can we have your blessing?
No! You certainly
don't have my blessing!
l don't want you
to get married.
l don't want you to.
l should go.
l was your pupil.
lt was Henry Higgins
and Eliza Doolittle.
That's what it was,
and that's what you loved.
But it didn't work that way.
What can l say?
Why did you
fall in love with me?
You gave me endless lectures
on love in the Western world.
l didn't think l could.
l thought l was too damaged.
l woke up one morning, and
l looked at you over breakfast...
and l thought to myself...
God, this is what they mean.
This is what they were
talking about.
All those warnings not to
fall in love with you!
But then l fell in love with you.
Thought you were
anotherjerk fan...
l'd fuck you...
and move on to the next fan.
But that didn't happen.
You were a fan...
and a follower...
and then a pupil...
and then you were a roommate.
And before l knew it...
you had control
ofthe channel changer.
l loved you.
l was in awe of you.
But it wasn't in love with you.
My old university is honoring me,
if you can believe that.
Come with me, let me try
to talk you out of it...
Just one day.
l'm getting married tomorrow.
-Tomorrow? The day l'm honored?
-Yes! Tomorrow!
l can't fucking believe this.
You're getting married tomorrow?
Yes. lt's been planned for months!
Don't do it!
"While Goldberg was asleep
onenight...
the devilenteredhis apartment...
abductedhisbeautiful
blonde love...
andtookhertohell.
Thenextmorning...
Goldbergnoticedthe oddsmellof
burningsulfur".
Harry Block?
You're Cookie?
Cookie Williams.
You wanted me here at ten?
You wanna, shall we get to it?
You don't want to talk
a little first?
Talk? Why?
Really? Most guys don't
like to jump into bed...
without talking. They think it's
too businesslike.
Not me. l'm not...
that you'd tie me up.
Whatever you want! Let's settle
the monetary part and then relax.
Absolutely.
-You get $ ?
-That's right.
So you want me to tie you up?
Yeah, tie me up.
l'd like you to hit me...
and give me a blowjob.
A blowjob, then you hit you.
No.
Hit me and then the blowjob.
lfthe order's not right,
it's no fun.
Tie me up, hit me,
give me a blowjob.
What should l tie you with?
The truth is l thought you
were going to wear stockings.
Cookie,
you're a definite artist.
They should put your lips
in the Smithsonian.
lt took you awhile.
l didn't think you'd make it.
l was having a little
problem focusing.
Finally, l got the right fantasy.
l thought of awoman l saw
in the Sixth Avenue...
and l coupled herwith
Svetlana Stalin.
lt's the daughter ofthe dictator.
lt worked.
What do you take medicine for?
Me? Depression.
What are you depressed about?
Depressed. Don't you ever get
depressed?
Doesn't yourwork get you down?
lt's okay. Beats the hell out of
waitressing.
lt's funny.
Every hooker l meet says it
beats the hell out ofwaitressing.
Waitressing's got to be
the worst job in the world.
lt's unbelievable.
What are you sad about?
l'm spiritually bankrupt.
l'm empty.
What do you mean?
l'm frightened.
l got no soul.
Knowwhat l mean?
See, when l was younger,
it was less scary...
waiting for Lefty than it is
waiting for Godot.
You lost me.
You knowthat the universe is
coming apart?
You knowwhat a black hole is?
Yeah.
That's how l make my living.
l gottatell you, a great writer
named Sophocles...
said it was probably best
not to be born al all.
Honey, it's a little
too late forthat.
l didn't want to come out.
They had to come in and get me.
You want another blowjob?
How come?
On the house. No charge.
Because them pills you takin'
sure ain't working.
l'm just in a peculiar mood
tonight.
Because l had
some bad news today.
Let me ask you,
what are you doing tomorrow.
Hustlin'.
Yeah?
Why don't you come with me?
Where?
l'm going to my old school.
They're honoring me.
l got nobody to share it with.
l'm serious. Come with me.
l'll give you bucks.
Sleep here,
come up with me tomorrow.
Why you got all this money?
l always have
hooker money because...
l once paid by check years ago
and the lRS killed me.
Fay, when you get this message,
if it's not too late...
don't get married...
because l love you...
and l want to marry you.
l was looking at...
my last book...
at the part where we met.
l tried to exaggerate it
to make it funny...
but it was actually
very romantic.
-She can't hear.
-l'm in town.
Norman's meeting me for "Les Mis."
l have a free hour.
l don't know if l can.
l got our usual place at the
Wyndham. lt's been weeks ago.
We gotta be fast. l can't make it
believable for so long.
You'll be back in an hour.
l have to be done by then anyway.
Think l'll take awalk.
Now?
Yes, l thought that l would just...
just get some fresh air.
Okay.
Excuse me.
Are you Harry Block?
Yes.
-Yourwriting's so meaningful to me.
-Thank you.
l can't believe l'm in
the elevatorwith you.
lt's no big deal.
Are you staying here?
No. l'm meeting someone.
What is this?
lt's stuck again.
lfthis was one of my stories,
this elevatorwould get stuck...
and you and l would start a major
affair, and fall in love.
Promise you won't
fall in love with me.
No?
Definitely not.
Not a good idea.
Why?
Because...
l'm too screwed up.
l have...
too many quirks.
l have trouble being faithful.
l have too many phobias.
l'm crazy.
Yeah, but l fell in love with you
before l met you.
When l read you.
Yes, but you fell in love
with my work.
That's a different thing.
l love yourwork.
l love your imagination.
l love it.
But this is not a book.
You knowwhat l mean.
We're not characters
in a fictional thing.
-So don't fall in love with me.
-Kiss me.
-Promise you won't.
-No, kiss me.
l promise.
Thank you.
The subway took forever. Sorry.
You said you weren't coming.
What do you mean?
-We said . l'm sure.
-No.
l called last night,
to say l got out of my thing.
You called? When?
At . last night.
You don't remember?
l interrupted you writing.
-We spoke on the phone.
-Absolutely.
My mind has been playing tricks.
This is Cookie Williams,
Richard.
How ya doing?
What's so special
about this honor?
He's being honored by
the school that expelled him.
lf only Hilly could see me,
he'd be so proud.
lt's sad, but short of kidnapping,
he ain't coming.
Oh, dear!
Dad?
-Hilly, Where you going?
-What are you doing?
Stop it!
lt's an emergency.
What are you doing?
Come on!
You can't do this!
Hilly, get out ofthe car!
Somebody stop this man!
He's a deviant!
Somebody stop him!
Somebody call the police!
-lt's fabulous up here.
-Beautiful.
Look, a ferris wheel!
-Look at the swings!
-Want to go?
Yeah!
Very good!
Would you like this?
Dad, high-five!
You want some ofthis joint?
No. l can't stand that stuff.
You see that place there?
That Red Apple Rest?
Years ago...
my then wife, Jane,
and l...
were coming back from
her sister's house...
and we had a fight.
She had her period, and we
stopped to get water for Midol.
l don't want a child!
And don't bring it up
in front of my parents!
-l don't understand.
-We've discussed it!
-Don't l get a vote?
-You have a child!
-Who l never get to see!
-That's not my fault!
l like being a father.
l'm not Lucy. You knew
that when you married me!
So yourwork means no children.
Since when are you a family man?
Don't think l don't see
you staring at my sister Lucy.
What?
Don't play ignorant.
You watch herwalk and sit.
You can't keep
your eyes off hertoes!
Are you fucking nuts?
What are you suggesting?
l wouldn't put it past you if you
wanted to have athing with her.
She's a neurotic, suburban Hausfrau!
l have no interest in her.
Zero. Nothing.
You're level of denial
is a little intense.
You're suffering from
a pre-menstrual nuclear meltdown.
You want a hit?
No. That smoke is killing me.
l'm going to go to the bathroom.
Catch you later.
Cold fish, yourthird ex-wife.
She neverwould have made
a good mother.
Who are you?
lt's me. Ken!
Look at this guy! You created me,
now you don't recognize me?
l'm a little bit high because
of her smoke...
How'd you ever
hook up with Jane?
Jane was fine. Jane was just
having her period. She was...
lt wasn't just her period.
She was a cold, selfish woman.
She's so self-involved she doesn't
realize her sister hates her.
How do you know so much?
l'm just you, thinly disguised.
You gave me a little more
maturity and a different name.
Are you saying that l knowthis?
Yes!
That's why you picked her!
So it wouldn't work, and you'd
never have to give up...
sport-fucking and chronic
dissatisfaction and grow up.
l won't stand here and get
lectured by my own creation.
You can't fool me.
l'm not your shrink.
He only knows what you tell him.
l knowthe truth.
And her sister, Lucy.
Another head-case.
You sure can pick them.
But even she was better
than Jane.
More maternal and she loved you.
You weren't there the day your
bomb dropped on her...
but take a look.
He left me!
Our marriage is finished!
l'm sorry to hearthat.
You shocked?
Yes and no.
Things have not been very good
for some time.
l knew he played around.
Did you?
You never mentioned that.
l don't like to discuss
my private life.
First suspected Lynn, his editor.
Then l thought...
it might be Allison Davis,
a friend of ours.
l even thought he might have
a crush on you.
Me?
You're beautiful and we've spent
a lot oftime together...
and you two get along very well.
Obviously l knew you neverwould
in a million years...
but l imagined he longed for you.
l even heard him mention
your name in his sleep once.
My goodness.
That's absurd!
Really!
You're all red!
No!
Are you okay?
Since we're talking openly...
l have a confession to make.
Yes?
Life sometimes takes very
strange twists and turns.
lt overwhelms us, and we can't
help our feelings.
Our feelings are irrational.
But to hear from your husband
that he found anotherwoman!
He said that?
He said his future
is all mapped out.
l'm going to be totally
frank with you.
-Try to hang on and understand.
-What? l'm being replaced.
But it doesn't have to be
a nightmare...
ifwe're all just mature about it.
Replaced by a -year-old.
-Excuse me?
-A -year-old.
A wanna-be writer. Fay Sexton is her
sexy name.
What's the matter?
Now you're white!
Lucy have you
eaten anything today?
Have a drink.
Finish that.
-How could l believe such a liar.
-l'm weak!
What's wrong?
You'd think he dumped you.
-You feel bad, but can handle it.
-Air!
l'm in shock today, but...
l want to speak to Fay.
lt's Harry Block. l've been trying
to reach her.
No, it's an emergency.
l gottatalk...
Tell herto call me back.
lt's the car number.
Yes. The car!
-She's in love with someone else.
-This guy is too old for her.
Youngerthan you.
l'm much too old for her.
lt's ridiculous.
-But my immaturity makes me boyish.
-ls it much longer, Dad?
-We just got done at the fair.
-You're speeding.
-About how much longer is it?
-lt won't be long.
Okay, my sister lives
ten minutes from here.
We'll surprise her.
lt'll be fun.
-You can eat and walk around.
-She's your half-sister.
But it'll still be minutes...
not 'cause she's
a half-sister.
lt's wonderful!
-lt is so funny.
-Do you think?
-And it's so sad.
-You're so sweet.
l love it.
You're so great.
You're so kind to me.
You have such a sweet,
kind instinct.
Don't do that.
l count on you
to be critical...
to really be tough.
You're too easy on me.
What's wrong with this?
What's wrong is that it had...
it had no energy.
l became discouraged with it.
lt doesn't release any power.
lt's nothing.
l thought it was really touching.
You knewwhen the boy grew up
he would never learn to love.
l think your problem is...
that you love too easily,
and too much.
l think you're beautiful,
and great...
and too kind to me, and lovely.
But you're not in love with me.
l told you not to fall
in love with me.
But still haven't
figured out why.
Why? Because l'm the boy
in that story...
and l can't love.
So, l don't want you to
get into anything.
You love Hilly.
What?
You love Hilly.
Sure. l love Hilly.
He's my son. lt's easy to love
a little kid.
You love music.
And you love baseball.
Baseball's also easy,
because it has rules, foul lines...
but women are complicated.
Happy birthday.
You're kidding!
Come on, open it up.
You didn't have to
get me anything.
Another sweater, right?
A baseball signed by
the Giants.
Really! That's so great!
Bobby Thomson!
They were the one genuine miracle
of my lifetime!
When he hit that home run...
it was the only hint l've had
there may be a God.
What made you think of it?
lt was easy.
You are the greatest.
lt's your birthday,
so you get awish.
Anything at all that'll make
your day special.
You are the greatest.
l don't deserve you.
You're too...
Too what?
-We thought we'd stop in to see you.
-Come in!
This is Richard.
This is Cookie.
l'm your Aunt Doris.
You won't remember me.
Remember Uncle Burt?
You haven't seen him
in awhile.
lt's been a long while.
Something to eat?
A cookie or something?
Come in the kitchen.
l gotta go to the bathroom.
Where's the john?
The bathroom! You just go right
through there.
So, l thought we'd drop in.
You're the last person
l ever expected to see.
Don't say that, Doris.
-And what's with Cookie?
-Cookie's the nanny.
You get her from an agency
or massage parlor?
What are you picking on...
Still with the sex pots,
the tramps, the vilda chayes.
She's got a Ph.D.
l bet she got an "A" on her
oral exam.
Give me a break!
l drive upstate...
and take the time to drop in
to say hello.
Can you believe they're
honoring me at Adair? l can't.
Not that l care, but it's great
for Hilly to see me.
The last time l saw him
he was six years old.
You don't exactly contact me either.
l knowwhat you think of me.
Please Doris, don't start in.
Am l wrong?
lt's all in your book.
"Too Jewish",
"professional Jewish".
You attributed it to your ex-wife,
but used the details of my life...
to depict herwith contempt.
-What are you talking about?
-What am l talking about?
You portrayed your 'ex'
as a horror.
And to make her unsympathetic,
you used some of her,...
but mostly you caricatured
my religious dedication.
Because it always enraged you that
l returned to my roots.
What roots? You were awonderful,
sweet kid.
You got me through my childhood.
Then you go to Fort Lauderdale...
and you meet this fanatic,
this zealot.
He fills you full of superstition.
lt's tradition.
Tradition is the illusion
of permanence.
You have no values.
Your life...
it's nihilism, cynicism,
sarcasm and orgasm.
ln France l could run on
that slogan and win.
l'm aJew. l was born aJew.
Do you hate me because ofthat?
And if our parents converted...
to Catholicism a month before you
were born, we'd be Catholics.
They're clubs.
They're exclusionary.
They fosterthe concept of
"the other"...
so you knowwho to hate.
That's enough!
A question: lf aJew
gets massacred...
does it bother you more than
if it's a Gentile...
or a black or a Bosnian?
Yes, it does. l can't help it.
lt's my people.
They're all your people.
Burt is right about you.
You're a self-hating Jew.
l may hate myself,
but not because l'm Jewish.
Not a self-hating Jew,...
but look how he talks about them
in his stories.
Max and Dolly Pincus
were married for years.
They raised two children...
participated generously at
family weddings and bar mitzvahs.
Max, How are you?
Mazel tov. Here, for Donald.
Thank you, Max.
Dolly!
You got a private minute?
Sure. We're leaving anyhow
in a few minutes.
l don't know if
l should tell you.
What? Tell me what?
Tell me, and l'll tell you
if you should tell me.
My heart is heavy.
Nothing terrible happened
to your husband Phil, did it?
He's been dead for so many years.
When l was in Florida last week...
l ran into a man...
who heard from someone
who knew someone who...
Anyway...
it seems Max has some secret
from his past.
You're talking about my Max?
-A dark secret.
-What kind of a dark secret?
Dark!
What is by you dark?
l don't know.
What kind of dark secret?
We've been married for years.
You're his first wife?
Sure l'm his first wife.
Before me, he worked for...
What?
You heard something different?
l heard only a dark secret.
Do l knowwhat?
Who told you?
Wolf Fishbein.
Be careful, Dolly.
That's all l want to say.
Dolly triedputtingElsie's words
outofhermind...
butMax's darksecret
plaguedher.
Then one daysheraninto
WolfFishbein...
andthe truth wasrevealed.
Try to breathe deeply.
Elsie, you were right.
Fishbein told me atale.
Max, before l met him,
lived in Florida.
He had a store. Groceries.
He was married.
Now it comes out!
To awoman...
with two children.
Max had other children?
No. The woman's children.
From a prior marriage.
He began an affair...
with the downstairs neighbor,
awidow.
He probably had all his hairthen.
Meanwhile, he got into debt.
Deeper and deeper.
And then carry on
with the neighbor.
Oy, my heart!
He can't get himself out
of a predicament.
So what does he do?
He stole money.
l should be so lucky!
He killed his wife!
No!
The man purchased an ax.
With an ax?
You know Max.
He's nothing with tools.
He can't even hang a picture.
l'm dropping dead!
Plus her children!
Plus the neighbor!
Four.
Four people he killed
in one night with an ax.
Your Max?
-And this is not the capper.
-There's more?
More!
What more?
He ate them.
What, are you talking crazy?
He devoured them.
l can't breathe.
Everything is closing in.
Whatever you do...
first hear Max's side.
Max has a side?
He kills his family
and eats them up.
The man has a side?
He was a good husband and
loving father for years.
You have a daughterwho
went to college.
You have a son who's awriter.
Maybe the best course of action
is to let sleeping dogs lie.
Honey, would you
pass the sour cream?
You haven't touched athing.
Nice weather.
lt's okay.
lt's not just okay.
lt's nice.
All right. What are you getting
so steamed up about?
What makes you such an
authority on the weather?
Me?
-All l said was...
-l knowwhat you said.
The fish is delicious.
Wouldn't you rather have meat?
Since when do l eat meat?
With my arteries, you gotta
watch the cholesterol.
-Uh-huh.
-What is the "uh-huh"?
You've been very touchy lately.
Don't interrogate me...
Mr. Max Pinchick!
Where did you hearthat name?
Did you kill your first wife
with an ax?
l got a headache.
Did you chop her up?
Along with your mistress?
Okay.
lf l tell you why l did it,
do you promise not to nudge me?
Wolf Fishbein said,
in orderto hide the bodies...
you ate them!
So, what are you making a fuss?
Some bury,
some burn...
l ate!
l remember "Max Pincus's
Dark Secret".
And you don't see your
sick view of our parents?
l wrote it when l was young.
The first of many anti-Semitic
pieces ofwork.
Direct from the Wailing Wall.
Disrespectful.
Shameful.
The Jews haven't suffered enough,
you depict us as cannibals?
No spiritual center.
He's betting on physics and pussy.
Excuse the expression.
He gets cancer, he's straight to
the synagogue in a yarmulke.
Why should l get cancer?
l eat broccoli.
You care about the Holocaust?
Or you think it never happened?
Not only do l knowthat
we lost million...
the scary thing is that
records are made to be broken.
l knowwhat's out there.
Do you?
He creates offensive Jewish
stereotypes, like in "Der Sturmer".
Max is a version of Daddy,
who you hated.
A man you accuse of being
aterrible parent.
He was aterrible parent.
Thank you for dropping by.
Come again in another years.
Wouldn't it be a betterworld
if not every group...
thought they had a direct line
to God.
He thinks l'm all
Jewish paranoia.
No. l think you're the
opposite of a paranoid.
l think you have the delusion
that people like you.
-What's the matter?
-Son of a bitch!
What's wrong?
You sick, sick, sick,...
fucking bastard!
What's wrong?
What's wrong? You've been having
an affairwith one of my patients.
Who?
You knowwhat
l'm talking about!
Don't speak!
She just told me
the whole thing.
-Who?
-Who? Who! Who!
Mrs. Pollack. Amy Pollack.
Can l explain something?
No. You cannot explain anything!
Will you calm down?
Don't tell me to calm down!
What's wrong with you?
What is wrong?
l treat this woman
and she exits.
You meet her and you fuck her!
Suppose l told you that
my fucking Amy Pollack...
was a disguised plea for
more closeness with you?
l'd say you're a mental case!
This is like your first wife.
You claimed you loved her.
All the while, you were
having affairs.
My first wife. l told you...
we were in bed one night.
l turned off her...
because the way the light was,
she looked like Max Schmeling.
What do you want me to say?
She was pretty, but l couldn't
get an erection afterthat.
Stop this tap-dancing.
This is bullshit, understand me?
With you it's a different story.
You turned off me!
That's what happened
since Hilly was born.
We live platonically,
like brother and sister.
Don't play "blame the victim"!
What are you talking about?
l'm as much a victim as you!
You think getting a blowjob...
from a big-bosomed year old
is pleasurable for me.
You're making me sick!
l can't believe this!
-You're overreacting.
-l'm not overreacting!
Are you telling me that
every week for months...
you've been with her in a hotel?
That's so crazy.
No, of course not!
l rented an apartment.
l'm going to kill you!
Hello, Doctor.
Sorry l'm late.
Mr. Farber.
Take off your coat.
Come in.
l've been losing sleep at night.
l can't shut my eyes at night.
l think l should quit my job,
but l can't bring myselfto do it.
Maybe because my brother-in-law
treats me kindly.
But working for him is taking
it's toll on me emotionally.
Could you excuse me?
What?
You fucked-up fuck!
l can't believe you did this.
You fucking asshole!
You fucked my patient!
You don't fuck somebody's patient.
Fuck you!
Continue, Mr. Farber.
Lost yourthread? You were talking
about quitting yourjob.
Right.
l discussed it with my wife.
While she seems to be supportive...
l know she'd rather l stay on.
She idolizes Gordon.
All she does is spend time
with him anyway.
Excuse me one more second,
Mr. Farber.
Again?
Continue. l can hear you
from the hallway. Loudly.
l want you to get out of here.
Get all of your
goddamn stufftogether...
and get out of here.
l cannot understand why
the most sophisticated ofwomen...
can't tell the difference between...
a meaningless, hot, passionate
sexual affair...
and a nice, solid, tranquil,
routine marriage.
Tell me, was she the only one,
orwere there others?
Amy Pollack was the only one.
May God strike me dead if l lie.
You're an atheist, Harry!
We're alone in the universe.
Gonna blame that on me too?
You turned off me first.
Oh, please!
No. l gave birth.
When women give birth...
there's a period when
their hormones go crazy.
But they settle.
So, if you're telling me
you're settling, l accept that.
You accept that!
You are so fucking nuts!
Take it easy!
lf you're not happy
in a marriage...
you don't cheat.
And with my patient!
That is a sacred trust!
My patient!
What do you want?
Who else do l meet?
l'm working here. We have the baby.
You're always practising.
We never socialize.
So now you're blaming me...
because we don't go out
enough places where you can...
meet strangers to fuck!
l was merely explaining...
why my choice, of necessity,...
is confined to your practice.
l knew you were mentally ill
before we were married...
but l thought, as atrained
professional, l could help you.
Now, please don't get down
on yourself as atherapist.
Get your shit and your
goddamn clothes...
and get the fuck out of here!
You are the most
irresponsible person...
l've seen in my entire life!
Get out!
Continue, Mr. Farber.
Doctor!
And l mean tonight,
motherfucker!
Dad! My Pepsi!
So you got even with your
exwife and sister and l was born.
What do you mean?
From your pen. From your
fertile imagination.
And l mean, imagination.
l wasn't getting even with Joan.
You created me as the
shrewish, Jewish hybrid...
who goes offwith a patient.
An Orthodox divorcee
from Tel Aviv.
She shouldn't have married Burt.
He's turned her into a zealot.
She loves you. lt's not her fault
your father persecuted you.
She was fine until
she wound up...
with this right-wing hawk.
So she disappointed you
in her choice of husbands?
Fuck you! She loves Burt.
She was a great kid.
She had a flair for physics.
Suddenly, she's kosher.
She loves you still...
despite your condescension
towards her life.
Does she love me?
Want to hearwhat
she says about you?
He's not so bad.
He was a very good brother.
But Father never forgave him
when his wife died.
The man is not aJewish man,
that's all!
All right!
Poor Harry, he was always lost.
He never accepted there are
some things you can't know.
The man is incapable
of an act of faith.
Forthat, l pity him.
l'd like to hug him,
like when we were kids.
lf l was upset, he was
a real comfort to me.
What happens to us?
She can't hear you.
And as forJoan...
Joan hates me.
Shouldn't she?
Why? Because l was unfaithful?
No, because when she caught you,
you weren't a man.
You turned into this
double-talking,
wise-cracking, tap-dancing liar.
lf she hadn't been so enraged,
we might have patched things up.
Listen to him delude himself!
Maybe it had tapered a bit
after Hilly was born...
but you had sex pretty regularly.
l've no ideawhy l
took up with her patient.
She was available and adorable.
My marriage was droning on.
What you call "droning on",
most people would call "working".
lfthat's "working",
marriage isn't for me.
lt's not for everyone.
But then l get lonely.
What do you want me to say?
She gave me Hilly and forthat
l'm eternally grateful...
'cause l love him so much.
You can have any one you want.
Can l get two?
Tell you what,
you can get three presents.
Pick any three presents you want.
Satisfied?
Look what l found.
lsn't that cool?
This is the chemistry set
you always wanted. lt's perfect.
Don't open it yet.
Let me buy it first.
Larry! What are you doing here?
Buying my nephew
a Power Ranger.
-When did you get back?
-A couple of days ago.
This is Larry.
l told you about Larry.
He's an old friend,
colleague, peer.
-So you got back, when?
-Two days ago.
l took a boat trip
down the Amazon.
-Sounds exciting.
-Unbelievable.
lf you don't mind malaria.
Butterflies the size of doves.
Never seen anything like it.
l can live without that.
lt was astounding.
Sounds it.
So you got back two days ago?
We go back a long way.
We both wanted to be Kafka.
You got slightly closer
than l did.
Yeah. l became the insect.
l'm very excited.
l'm amazed.
We should go out.
Why not come to my house
in East Hampton for aweekend?
Let's not get hysterical.
-l'd love to. lt'd be fun.
-lt's beautiful.
lt's sand in the crotch, ticks...
You get this guy
to leave his room.
He's never had atan.
l've always wanted
to learn howto snorkel.
Snorkel! Where he lives,
there are sharks.
You see photos of guys
with stumps for legs and arms.
-Am l lying?
-Yes. lt's fabulous there.
l'll take you to dinner.
No! We'll take you to dinner.
l'll tell you about the Amazon.
l'd love to hear it.
Sounds amazing.
l'm writing a novel.
l'll tell you about it.
l'm not into the Amazon.
Knowwhat the Amazon is?
Tiny little heads with
lips sewn together.
Can you picture him this way?
We'll take you to dinnertonight.
l'm single, available,
with the soul of a black man!
l smell sulfur.
Do you smell sulfur?
Hilly, did you open
the chemistry set?
Look!
We're almost there.
Hilly, wake up.
Wake up. We're almost
at the university.
Dad's being honored.
Limited as my curriculum was.
-Richard, we're there. minutes.
-Wake up.
Something's wrong.
What's the matter?
l don't think he's breathing!
He's dead!
What?
l was at the doctor's with him.
They said his heart was fine.
l'm scared.
Don't be scared, Hilly.
l'm fine, Dad.
Death is a natural part of life.
You have to embrace them both.
What are we gonna do?
l don't know.
Get back in the car.
l don't want to
sit next to him.
Welcome to Adair University.
l'm Professor Higgins.
We certainly hope you had
a very pleasant trip here.
Would you like some refreshments?
ls he all right?
He's dead. You got one of
them rubber bags?
We've made arrangements
forthe body...
to be delivered to New York City.
l don't think he has
any immediate family.
lf you prefer,...
we can call offthe proceedings.
-l think that's the best idea.
-No!
l do.
He'll be all right.
He's here for a purpose.
l'll see that...
the funeral comes off.
l'll see that he's buried...
properly.
l understand.
Poor Richard!
The poor guy!
l'm not gonna make it.
l can't go on.
Not if you keep drinking
and popping those pills.
l can't believe this.
My school honors me. l turn up
with a hooker and a dead body.
Take it easy. You're getting
all wound up about nothing.
Look at me.
Look! l'm out of focus!
You look a little pale,
but you're all right.
l'm out of focus. l'm soft!
Calm down. They'll be here
any minute.
lt's humiliating. They're gonna
honor me and l'm a blob.
You look fine.
l'll be sitting
on the dais there, eating.
They'll get seasick
and throw up.
Hold my hand.
Now, relax.
You wanted your son
to see you get honored...
and now you're acting
like ajackass.
But don't you see?
l'm a huge blur.
You're gonna be all right.
l'll talk you down.
l've seen all kinds of guys O.D.
Heroin, acid, crack.
l didn't take any ofthat.
l have nothing.
But you're a pill popper.
That's not what it is.
lt's me. l'm OD'ing on myself.
-l'm a shit.
-Have some coffee.
l don't want any coffee.
l'm a shit.
Talk to me about something.
You like sports?
Sports? Yeah.
l was a pitcher.
When the guy crowded the plate,
l'd throw at his head.
l'm the worst person
in the world.
-Honey, l've seen worse.
-Who's worse than me?
Hitler!
Maybe Hitler, Goering
and Goebbels, but l'm fourth.
Come on. Hold my hand.
-Can you feel my hand?
-Yes, it's warm.
See? lt's just panic.
You're not a blob.
l'm going to get overthis.
l'm having a panic attack.
What sports do you like?
l like them all. l like baseball,
l like basketball.
l was married to awoman
who looked like Max Schmeling.
No, l'm not joking.
All right. lt's time.
l can't get through this
without you. l mean it.
Don't worry about it.
-lf you didn't come with me...
-Don't worry. Come on.
Straighten up.
l gotta get atie.
l gotta get my tie.
All right. Let's go.
Are you ready to be
immortalized by Adair?
We all know yourwork and characters.
Even the obscure ones.
Good reading is
a creative act.
Are you working on anything...
something we can
sink ourteeth into?
l'm in the midst ofwriting...
athing on the Devil
who kidnaps a man's true love...
and takes her down to Hell...
and he goes to retrieve her.
Since it's Hell, l'm able to...
settle lots of old scores.
What's the man like?
lt's me, thinly disguised.
ln fact, l don't think l should
disguise it anymore.
lt's me.
Floorfive...
muggers, aggressivepanhandlers
andbookcritics.
Floorsix...
rightwingextremists, killers,
lawyers who appearon TV.
Floorseven...
themedia.
Sorry, that flooris
all filledup.
Flooreight...
escapedwarcriminals,
TVevangelists andthe NRA.
Lowestlevel...
everybodyoff.
What did you do?
l invented aluminum siding.
Dad!
Get me out. This is terrible.
You know how l hate
hot weather.
What is he doing here?
He's condemned to
eternal suffering.
Help me!
l don't understand.
l demand to knowthe charges.
"Behaved unconscionably
toward his son.
Said the boy committed a
capital crime by being born."
Yourwife, they told me,
is dead.
But your son, he's thriving.
Why did he fight
not to be born?
Look, l forgive him.
What's over is over.
lt's finished. Let him
go to heaven, please.
l'm aJew! We don't
believe in heaven.
-Where do you want to go?
-To a Chinese restaurant.
Take him to Joy Luck.
l love him despite everything.
Looking for someone?
l'm here to get Fay.
She's not coming with you.
Because you're the head
ofthe underworld...
you can abduct her
and get away with it?
l'm going to kidnap her back.
-What are you laughing at?
-You match your powers against mine?
-You want to knowwhy?
-Yeah, l do.
l'm sorry. Forgive me
for laughing.
Why?
l'm more powerful because
l'm a bigger sinner.
Because you're a fallen angel...
and l never believed in
God or Heaven of any of it.
l'm strictly quarks
and particles and black holes.
All the other stuff
is junk to me.
And also l do terrible things.
l've cheated on all my wives
and none ofthem deserved it.
l sleep with whores.
l drink too much and
l take pills...
and l lie and l'm
vain and cowardly...
and l'm prone to violence.
l once almost ran over
a book critic.
But l swerved at the last second.
You ever had two women at once?
Yes, l did. And l'll tell you
something else.
l didn't care it was exploitive.
And something else...
-They were sisters.
-Really?
Yes! They were two
blond WASP sisters.
-Not the Sherman twins?
-Yes, the Sherman twins!
They're here.
The Sherman twins are here?
Unbelievable!
Do you know Sandra Pepkin?
Do l know Sandra Pepkin? Only the
best blowjob in the Hadassah.
So, if you know
Sandra Pepkin...
l fucked her best friend,
the cripple. Pearl.
-Pearl in the wheelchair?
-Exactly.
Speaking of handicaps,
do you know Marie Taylor?
Yes, but her l don't count.
Marie Taylor is dyslexic.
She put her Tampax
in her nose.
-Ever fuck a blind girl?
-No, that l never did.
Oh, they're so grateful.
-Would you like a drink?
-You're terrible.
Could l get some tequila?
l've got great tequila.
Make yourself at home.
Want the air conditioner on?
-You're air-conditioned here?
-Sure. Fucks up the ozone layer.
l could be very comfortable here.
l'll tell you something:
l love it here.
l wouldn't be any place else.
-There you go.
-Thank you.
l've had job offers in yourworld,
but why be an employee?
Here, l'm my own boss.
l'm free.
What jobs did they offer?
Fortwo years l ran
a Hollywood studio...
but you can't trust those people.
l agree. Betterto rule
down here...
than to serve in heaven.
That's Milton.
To evil!
lt keeps everything humming.
So you kidnapped Fay?
Yes, l did.
Some women are turned on
by aggressive behavior.
So, if l kidnapped her back?
You, kidnap?
Not your style.
You're not a fun guy.
You're too serious.
Too angry at life.
l got a lot to be angry at.
Who doesn't?
But sooner or later,
you gotta back off.
lt's like Vegas.
You're up, you're down.
But in the end,
the house always wins.
Doesn't mean you
didn't have fun.
No, one thing you're not
is a kidnapper.
Kidnapper!
Listen to me!
Out of my way! Can't you see
you're with a kidnapper!
You're going to have to
come with me.
You're under arrest, Mr. Block
l gotta put the cuffs on you.
-He's about to be honored.
-How can l kidnap my own son?
We got drugs!
Let me go, bitch!
Let me go!
-Get them in the car.
-Get off me, bitch!
Can't l be honored,
then arrested?
We can't do that. Sorry.
Kidnapping.
Prostitute in your car
in possession of marijuana.
Possession of an
unlicensed firearm.
l told you about the firearm.
A crazy woman shot at me.
l got it away from her.
l was gonna hand it in.
-l gotta make a phone call.
-You made your call.
Doesn't count. lt was to my
girlfriend's answering service.
-To stop her marrying.
-You also called your sister.
My sisterwasn't in.
You called your lawyer.
He was at Canyon Ranch.
l can never get my lawyer!
Can l give you some advice?
You're in deep shit.
This time l think
you've really had it.
-lt was your ideato kidnap Hilly.
-lt wasn't my idea.
l made ajoke. You don't act
on every impulse.
You gottatell me the truth.
ls it better being dead?
No, it's not really.
But there's one good thing.
You don't get jury duty.
But you have no options.
lt's not for you.
l'm no good at life.
No, but you write well.
That's different. l can manipulate
characters and plots.
You create your own universe,
nicerthan the world we have.
l can't function in this world.
l'm a failure at life.
l don't know. l think you bring
pleasure to a lot of people.
But even that's drying up.
Forthe last months...
l've been unable to come up
with a meaningful idea.
Make peace with your demons...
and your block will pass.
lt sounds so trite...
but l just want to be happy.
To be alive is to be happy.
Take it from me.
Block? Come on.
Some people put up your bail.
My bail?
That's right. This way.
You?
-We got the phone message.
-Came right from ourwedding.
-You did?
-We're on ourway to our honeymoon.
-You got married?
-You have to ask?
l can't believe it! ln the end
you chose him over me!
-l can't fathom this!
-You'd insult me...
afterwe ran from the altar
to bail you out.
l know you're claustrophobic.
Plus, you'll get buggered by
every con in the cell block.
You should be in there!
Because you stole her from me.
He did not steal me.
l love him.
l can't fathom this.
l appreciate your coming, but...
why? Why not me?
You told me not to fall in love
with you, so l didn't.
How could you listen to me?
You know l'm crazy!
You were my mentor. That's why.
But you were sleeping
with you mentor.
So? l slept with
my gynecologist.
What has that
got to do with it?
You gonna snorkel down the Amazon
with him when you could've had me?
l'll never be the writer you are.
l knowthat.
You put art into yourwork.
l put it into my life.
l can make her happier.
l love you.
l do. lt's just that
l'm in love with Larry.
l'm his wife.
l love you too, Harry.
Give us your blessing...
so we can go and enjoy our
honeymoon. Okay?
We'll be in Santa Fe a month.
When we come back...
we'll go out.
We're friends.
He's taking you to the desert
for your honeymoon?
Yeah. You'd nevertake me
to the desert.
The desert is cactus.
lt's Heela monsters, Gila monsters.
Lizards, is the desert.
-Harry, please!
-Give us your blessing, please?
Give 'em your blessings...
before l throw you back in the
fucking cell and l bugger you!
l don't knowwhat to say.
l love you.
This guy...
l've loved...
l give up.
-We'll get you home.
-What am l going to say?
Santa Fe you're going to take her?
With the tacos?
What about the honoring ceremony?
We haven't had the ceremony.
The police interrupted.
What, am l dreaming?
Everybody dreams.
Come on!
Professor Clark
has everything planned.
Can l bring Hilly?
lt's your dream.
Stebbins Hall?
Everyone is waiting
to honor you.
After all, you created them.
l love all of you. Really.
You've given me some ofthe
happiest moments of my life...
You've even saved
my life at times.
And now, you've actually
taught me things.
And l completely grateful.
The author's message is...
"know yourself",
stop kidding yourself.
Accept your limitations
and get on with your life.
lt's amazing. To me...
it's a really
interesting character.
A guy...
who can't function well in life...
but can only function in art.
lt's sad in away and also funny.
Good for a novel.
Your books all seem sad
on the surface.
Which is why l.
like deconstructing them.
Underneath they're happy.
You just don't know it.
l tell you.
l feel like l'm in a dream.
This, for me, is like the best dream
l've had in months.
Thehappiestdream.
l like it!
A characterwho's too...
neurotic to function in life...
but can only function in art.
Notes foranovel.
Openingpossibility:
Rifkin leda...
fragmented...
disjointed...
existence.
Hehadlongago come
to this conclusion:
Allpeople knowthe same truth.
Ourlives consistofhow
we choose to distortit.
Onlyhis writing was calm...
his writing, whichhad,
inmore ways than one...
savedhis life.