Boy: LET'S GO!
COME ON!
COME ON!
YEAH!
[CHILDREN YELLING]
Second boy:
LET'S GO! LET'S GO!
Second boy:
LET'S GO! LET'S GO!
COME ON!
COME ON!
[CHILDREN YELLING]
[CHILDREN YELLING]
YOU MUST REALIZE,
BOSLEY,
YOUR WIFE IS ONE OF
THE MOST NEUROTIC WOMEN
I'VE EVER EXAMINED.
I STILL THINK
A FEW MORE MONTHS
IN THE SANITARIUM
WOULD BE HELPFUL.
IT MAY BE TOO EARLY
TO TRUST HER
IN HER NATURAL
ENVIRONMENT.
OH, DOC,
BE OPTIMISTIC.
PEGGY'S BREAKDOWN
IS PART OF THE PAST NOW.
I DON'T WANT HER IN
ANOTHER MENTAL HOSPITAL.
I WANT HER HOME
WITH ME AND THE KIDS.
DR. EVANS,
THE ROAD
TO MENTAL HEALTH
IS JUST
AROUND THE CORNER.
IS JUST
AROUND THE CORNER.
[YELLING]
Boy: COME ON!
Second boy:
COME ON! YEAH!
Second boy:
COME ON! YEAH!
Peggy: AAH! AAH!
I KNEW THEY'D TRY IT!
TRYING TO KILL ME
IN MY OWN HOME!
[SOBS]
IT'S LIKE WAR.
DON'T TELL ME I DON'T KNOW
WHAT VIETNAM IS LIKE.
BRATS! BRATS! BRATS!
OH, MOM.
OH, I--I'M SORRY,
MRS. GRAVEL.
I'LL PAY FOR THE WINDOW
OUT OF MY ALLOWANCE.
HOW ABOUT MY LIFE?
DO YOU GET ENOUGH ALLOWANCE
TO PAY FOR THAT?
I KNOW YOU WERE TRYING
TO KILL ME!
WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH THE COURTS?
DO THEY ALLOW
THIS LAWLESSNESS
AND MALICIOUS DESTRUCTION
OF PROPERTY
TO RUN RAMPANT?
I HATE THE SUPREME COURT!
OH, GOD.
GOD.
GOD.
GO HOME TO YOUR MOTHER!
DOESN'T SHE EVER
WATCH YOU?
TELL HER THIS ISN'T SOME
COMMUNIST DAY-CARE CENTER!
TELL YOUR MOTHER
I HATE HER!
TELL YOUR MOTHER
I HATE YOU!
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
Peggy:
OH! OH, GOD!
OHH! OHH! OHH!
[RING]
OHH! OHH! OHH!
[RING]
HELLO?
WHAT NUMBER
ARE YOU CALLING?
YOU'VE DIALED
THE WRONG NUMBER!
"SORRY"?
WHAT GOOD IS THAT?
HOW CAN YOU EVER REPAY
THE SECONDS
YOU HAVE STOLEN FROM MY LIFE?
I HATE YOU,
YOUR HUSBAND,
YOUR CHILDREN,
AND YOUR RELATIVES!
AND YOUR RELATIVES!
OH, GOD, GOD, GOD!
WHAT HAVE I DONE
TO DESERVE THIS?
MISS GRAVEL,
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
YOU HAVING ANOTHER FIT?
CAN'T MY HUSBAND
WATCH THE CHILDREN?
CAN'T THAT LAZY MORON
DO ONE THING?
THE KIDS
ARE JUST OUTSIDE.
THEY'RE OK.
LET ME GET YOU
SOME OF YOUR FIT MEDICINE.
GRIZELDA,
MY LIFE IS IN DANGER.
PLEASE, DON'T LET
ANYBODY HURT ME.
AW, THERE, THERE.
YOU'VE GOT
TO KEEP CALM, WOMAN.
YOU'RE JUST
IMAGINING THINGS.
THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK.
ONE OF THE NEIGHBORHOOD
CHILDREN
JUST TRIED
TO MURDER ME.
I WAS SITTING
IN MY ROOM
APPLYING NAIL POLISH,
AND ONE OF THEM
FIRED A RIFLE AT ME.
OH, MISS GRAVEL.
IT'S TRUE.
I MUST GET THE CHILDREN
BEFORE THEY'RE KIDNAPPED.
GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY.
GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY.
BETH?
BOSLEY JR.?
BOSLEY JR.?
BREATHE IN.
[INHALES]
DO IT AGAIN.
NOW LET ME DO IT.
BREATHE IN.
[TAKES DEEP BREATH]
AGAIN.
[GASPS]
SODOMITES!
CAUGHT RIGHT
IN A SEX ORGY!
FILTHY.
DIRTY, FILTHY.
Peggy: IS THAT WHAT YOU
LEARNED IN PRIVATE SCHOOL?
OH, MOM,
WE WERE ONLY PLAYING!
WE WERE ONLY
PLAYING!
NO, NO, NO!
YOU COULD BE PREGNANT,
BETH!
AND AS FOR YOU,
I NEVER THOUGHT
YOU WOULD RAPE
YOUR OWN SISTER!
OH, GOD!
THE CHILDREN
ARE HAVING SEX!
[SOBBING]
[SOBBING]
PEGGY?
PEGGY?
PEGGY?
THIRSTY, GRIZELDA?
YOU'D BETTER GO SEE
ABOUT YOUR WIFE.
SHE'S HAVING
ANOTHER MENTAL FIT.
I THOUGHT YOU HAD BEEN
STEALING MY LIQUOR.
AIN'T NOBODY STEALING
NOTHING FROM YOU,
MR. GRAVEL.
WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT.
WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT.
YOU DIDN'T KNOW
I MARKED THESE, DID YOU?
HERE.
LOOK HERE.
SEE THIS PENCIL LINE?
THAT WAS MARKED
JUST YESTERDAY.
YOU'VE HAD
QUITE A FEW COCKTAILS,
HAVEN'T YOU,
GRIZELDA?
WHAT ELSE
HAVE YOU PILFERED?
I THINK I'LL HAVE A LOOK
IN THAT PURSE.
YOU AIN'T LOOKING
IN MY PURSE.
WHY NOT?
GOT SOMETHING TO HIDE?
DON'T YOU KNOW MEN
AREN'T SUPPOSED TO LOOK
IN A LADY'S HANDBAG?
LADY? YOU'RE FIRED,
GRIZELDA.
NO WONDER YOU PEOPLE
ARE ALWAYS IN
THE UNEMPLOYMENT LINE.
NOW GIVE ME THAT BAG!
I DON'T WANT NO WHITE MAN
LOOKING AT MY TAMPAX!
I WOULDN'T WORRY ABOUT
YOUR TAMPAX IF I WERE YOU.
WELL, LOOK AT THIS--
MY SAVINGS ACCOUNT
BOOK...
WITH WITHDRAWAL SLIPS,
MY LOTTERY TICKET...
MY LOTTERY TICKET...
AND ROLLS
OF TOILET PAPER.
I'M PLACING YOU
UNDER CITIZEN'S ARREST.
I'M GOING TO CALL
THE POLICE AND REPORT YOU.
GET OFF OF ME,
MILK HEAD!
WELL...
I SEE
YOU'RE FINALLY HERE.
IT'S A LITTLE LATE,
ISN'T IT?
THE CHILDREN
ARE HAVING SEX.
BETH IS PREGNANT.
I NARROWLY MISSED
AN ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT
A FEW MOMENTS AGO.
WILL YOU PLEASE
DO SOMETHING?
AW, HONEY, IT'S JUST
YOUR MIND PLAYING TRICKS.
OOH, GET OFF ME.
MY SKIN CRAWLS
WHEN YOU TOUCH IT.
I COULD
RIP YOUR LIPS OFF.
I COULD
RIP YOUR LIPS OFF.
THAT MISERABLE MAN.
WHEN I THINK
OF THE ABUSE...
PEGGY, PEGGY.
AM I LIVING IN HELL?
IS THAT IT?
HAVE I GONE
STRAIGHT TO HELL?
HAVE I GONE
STRAIGHT TO HELL?
DON'T LEAVE
THIS KITCHEN, GRIZELDA.
I'M GOING TO GIVE PEGGY
HER MEDICATION,
AND THEN I'LL BE BACK
TO DEAL WITH YOU.
PBBT!
[HYPERVENTILATING]
[HYPERVENTILATING]
PEG?
GET OUT!
LET'S HAVE A LITTLE
MEDICATION, ALL RIGHT?
OH, YOU'RE JUST UPSET.
NOW WHAT'S THE MATTER?
EVERYTHING
WAS GOING SO WELL.
GET OUT OF HERE,
YOU STINKING PIECE OF FLESH.
DON'T SAY
THOSE THINGS, PEGGY.
COME ON. THIS WILL
MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.
GIVE ME YOUR ARM.
OH, YOU TOUCHED ME!
NOW MY FLESH IS ROTTING--
THE TOUCH OF SCUM!
STOP IT, PEGGY.
DON'T MAKE ME
USE FORCE.
NOW LET ME GIVE YOU
YOUR SHOT,
OR I'LL HAVE TO CALL
THE HOSPITAL.
STAY AWAY!
OH, GOD! PEGGY, I'M GOING
TO HAVE TO COMMIT YOU AGAIN!
AAH!
AAH!
OHH!
OHH...
OHH.
HELP!
GRIZELDA,
HE'S TRYING TO KILL ME!
HELP!
HELP! PLEASE HELP ME!
HELP ME!
PLEASE HELP ME!
HELP ME!
PLEASE HELP ME!
BACK OFF, ASSHOLE!
OHH! OHH! OHH!
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT,
MRS. GRAVEL?
DID HE HURT YOU?
NO, BUT HE TRIED.
LOOK! LOOK,
HE'S ATTACKING!
DOWN, BOY!
DOWN, DOWN, DOWN!
DOWN!
DOWN, DOWN, DOWN,
DOWN, DOWN!
DOWN, DOWN!
Peggy:
OHH! OH, GOD!
MMM...UNH!
HE--HE'S DEAD,
ISN'T HE?
AAH!
OHH!
WE'RE IN BIG TROUBLE NOW,
MRS. GRAVEL!
OH, MY GOD!
HE'S DEAD!
OH, GOD! OHH!
OH, GOD!
OH, GOD!
HURRY!
HURRY!
WHY DID YOU TELL ME
TO COME THIS WAY, GRIZELDA?
YOU KNOW I HATE NATURE.
LOOK AT THOSE DISGUSTING TREES
STEALING MY OXYGEN.
OH, I CAN'T STAND THIS SCENERY
ANOTHER MINUTE.
ALL NATURAL FORESTS
SHOULD BE TURNED INTO
HOUSING DEVELOPMENTS.
I WANT CEMENT
COVERING EVERY BLADE
OF GRASS IN THIS NATION.
DON'T WE TAXPAYERS
HAVE A VOICE ANYMORE?
DO YOU EVER SHUT UP?
THE POLICE ARE OUT
LOOKING FOR US, YOU KNOW.
WE'RE GOING TO CAMP OUT
HERE OVERNIGHT.
CAMP OUT?
OH, NOT ME.
OH, NOT ME.
NOW YOU LISTEN TO ME,
MISS PEGGY GRAVEL.
YOU BETTER
CALM YOURSELF DOWN
BEFORE I HAUL OFF
AND SMACK YOU
UPSIDE
YOUR WIDE, WIDE HEAD.
WE KILLED YOUR HUSBAND,
AND I AIN'T YOUR MAID
ANYMORE, BITCH.
I'M YOUR
SISTER IN CRIME.
PLEASE, DON'T SIT ON ME.
OHH!
OHH!
UH-OH. HERE COME
THE HONKERS ALREADY.
UH-OH. HERE COME
THE HONKERS ALREADY.
OK, WITCHES,
UP AGAINST THE CAR--
ARMS UP ON THE CAR.
ONE FALSE MOVE,
AND YOUR HEAD WILL BE FLYING
THROUGH THEM TREES.
WHAT IS THIS?
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
DOES IT LOOKING LIKE
I'M KIDDING, MAU MAU?
OFFICER...
I AM AN OUTPATIENT
FROM THE HOSPITAL,
AND I'M VERY PRONE
TO ANXIETY ATTACKS,
SO PLEASE TREAT ME
WITH THERAPEUTIC COURTESY.
HA! I KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
THERE'S AN ALL-POINTS
BULLETIN OUT
FOR BOTH OF YOU.
YOU'RE PEGGY GRAVEL,
AND YOU KILLED YOUR HUSBAND.
WHY, THAT'S
PREPOSTEROUS.
WE WERE ABOUT
TO HAVE A PICNIC.
DON'T GIVE ME
THAT SHIT.
YOU WERE TRYING
TO ESCAPE TO MORTVILLE.
I'VE NEVER HEARD OF NO
TOWN CALLED MORTVILLE.
WELL, YOU SHOULD HAVE.
YOU BELONG THERE.
IT'S A SPECIAL TOWN
FOR PEOPLE LIKE YOU TWO--
PEOPLE WHO SHOULD BE
SO EMBARRASSED
BY WHAT THEY'VE DONE.
I JUST MIGHT LET YOU
GO THERE--
THAT IS, IF YOU COOPERATE.
WHAT DO WE HAVE
TO DO FOR YOU,
SHERIFF SHIT FACE?
SIT ON THAT CAR HOOD.
YOU'LL SEE.
I'VE GOT SOMETHING
TO SHOW YOU FIRST.
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
YOU LIKE LINGERIE?
HOW DO YOU LIKE
THESE LITTLE NUMBERS?
I SENT AWAY TO 'EM
FROM FREDERICK'S.
THEY WAS EXPENSIVE.
I LOVE THE FEEL OF
COLD NYLON ON MY BIG BUTT.
WILL YOU PLEASE STOP IT?
I HAVE NEVER FOUND
THE ANTICS OF DEVIANTS
TO BE ONE BIT AMUSING.
WHAT I LIKE BEST
IS A FRENCH KISS
WHEN I'M ALL DRESSED.
DON'T EXPECT NO KISS
FROM ME, LIVER LIPS.
COME ON.
TAKE OFF YOUR UNDERPANTS.
HAND 'EM OVER.
I KNEW COPS WAS SICK,
BUT...
I KNEW COPS WAS SICK,
BUT...
AH!
THESE ARE BIG ONES--
A LITTLE PLAIN
FOR MY TASTE.
A LITTLE PLAIN
FOR MY TASTE.
NOW...
I THINK
I'LL SLIP 'EM ON.
AHH.
[LAUGHS]
[LAUGHS]
HOW DOES THAT LOOK?
PRETTY SEXY, HUH?
NOW HOW ABOUT THAT KISS?
IF I KISS YOU,
WILL YOU LET US GO?
YOU BET.
I WANT A REAL WET ONE NOW.
I WANT A REAL WET ONE NOW.
GODDAMN GUM.
[SPITS]
NOW, THAT WAS
AREALSOUL KISS.
OK, BUSTER,
YOU'VE HAD YOUR FUN.
NOW, WHICH WAY
TO MORTVILLE?
I AIN'T THROUGH YET.
MRS. GRAVEL,
I'D LIKE TO EXAMINE
YOURUNDERPANTS.
I WILL NOT!
I THOUGHT YOU WANTED
TO GO TO MORTVILLE.
THEY LET KILLERS
LIVE THERE SCOT-FREE.
THEY LET KILLERS
LIVE THERE SCOT-FREE.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN
SO MORTIFIED
IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.
[BREATHING
HEAVILY]
HERE, BLOSSOM.
HA HA HA!
[GROANS]
THAT'S MORE LIKE IT.
AH, THESE ARE
FROM BLOOMINGDALES.
YOU'VE GOT GOOD TASTE.
I THINK I'LL TRY TO FIT
MY BIG BUSINESS INTO THEM.
HA HA HA HA!
OOH! OOH.
THEY'RE TIGHT,
BUT THEY SURE FEEL GOOD.
NOW DO I GET
MY LITTLE KISS KISS?
NO! PLEASE, NOT A KISS!
I SWEAR I'LL GAG!
MOUTH ME IF YOU MUST,
BUT NOT A KISS!
COME ON, NOW.
I'M ALL DRESSED UP
IN MY PRETTY UNDERTHINGS,
AND I NEED A LITTLE
LIP SUCTION.
I--
I--
AND NOW FOR THAT MOUTH.
NO.
[GROANS]
NO.
I'D LIKE TO STICK
MY WHOLE HEAD
IN YOUR MOUTH
AND LET YOU SUCK OUT
MY EYEBALLS.
I BET YOU'D LIKE THAT,
WOULDN'T YOU?
OHH! AHH!
AHH! AHH!
AHH! AHH!
AHH! AHH!
AHH! AHH!
WHAT ARE YOU HOGS
LOOKING AT?
THE SHOW'S OVER!
BEAT IT!
MORTVILLE'S UP THAT WAY!
FOLLOW THAT DIRT ROAD.
GO AHEAD BEFORE
I HAUL YOUR ASS TO JAIL!
AHH!
AHH!
[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
[PLAYING HARMONICA]
[PLAYING HARMONICA]
I'LL TAKE A SLICE, PLEASE.
AH, YOU WANT LEMON
MERINGUE OR CHOCOLATE?
CHOCOLATE, HONEY.
OK.
Man: SHUT UP, MAN.
THAT'LL BE
CENTS.
COULD YOU RECOMMEND
A ROOMING HOUSE
WHERE WE COULD
SPEND THE NIGHT?
[LAUGHS]
[LAUGHS]
I DON'T THINK
I LIKE IT HERE.
IT'S FILTHY, AND
THE PEOPLE ARE REPULSIVE.
WE HAVE NO CHOICE,
PEGGY,
AND IT'S BETTER
THAN JAIL.
I'LL TELL YOU,
GRIZELDA,
THERE IS SOMETHING
WRONG HERE.
LOOK AROUND YOU.
IT'S A VILLAGE
OF IDIOTS.
Woman: SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Woman: SOMEBODY HELP ME.
CAN'T YOU ACT NORMAL?
JUST ACT NORMAL
FOR A CHANGE.
JUST ACT NORMAL
FOR A CHANGE.
Peggy:
OH, PLEASE.
THERE MUST BE A QUALITY
COURT OR SOMETHING.
I CAN'T GO
IN THAT HOG PEN.
OH, SHUT UP.
OH, SHUT UP.
[BLOWS]
EW.
[BLOWS]
EW.
CAN I HELP YOU?
WE WERE RAPED.
PLEASE, GIVE US SHELTER.
YOU WERE RAPED?
LOOK, DON'T PAY
NO ATTENTION TO HER.
WE NEED TO RENT A ROOM.
YOU GOT MONEY ON YOU?
I'M A VERY WEALTHY
WOMAN.
YEAH, AND
I'M CYBILL SHEPHERD.
COME ON IN HERE. WE MIGHT
WORK SOMETHING OUT--
THAT IS,
IF YOU GOT MONEY.
THAT IS,
IF YOU GOT MONEY.
MY NAME'S MOLE--
MOLE McHENRY.
I'M PEGGY GRAVEL.
IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU.
[SPITS] I'M GRIZELDA--
GRIZELDA BROWN.
I'M PEGGY'S
PSYCHIATRIC NURSE.
ROOM'S OUT BACK--
NOTHING FANCY, BUT IT'S
A ROOF OVER YOUR HEAD.
COME ON,
I'LL SHOW YOU.
COME ON,
I'LL SHOW YOU.
SHH! MY GIRLFRIEND'S
SLEEPING.
SHH! MY GIRLFRIEND'S
SLEEPING.
[WATER RUNNING]
YEAH, YOU'RE LUCKY
IT'S EMPTY.
MY LAST TENANT SHOT HIMSELF
IN HERE LAST NIGHT.
THAT DUMB FUCK
LEFT A MESS EVERYWHERE.
THAT DUMB FUCK
LEFT A MESS EVERYWHERE.
Peggy: OH!
Peggy: OH!
AW, DAMN,
IT STINKS IN HERE.
[PEGGY COUGHS]
WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
DO YOU WANT IT OR NOT?
WILL HE BE REMOVED?
YEAH, I'LL GET THE STIFF
OUT OF HERE,
BUT DON'T THINK
I GOT TIME
FOR ALL THE CHORES
IN THE WORLD.
AND NO LINENS UNTIL
I SOAK THESE IN COLD WATER.
AND WE AIN'T GOT
NO TOILETS IN MORTVILLE.
HOW DO WE...
I GUESS YOU'LL JUST HAVE
TO USE YOUR IMAGINATION.
I SEE, I SEE.
HOW MUCH CASH YOU GOT?
GIVE ME THAT!
BUCKS. HEY,
YOU ARE A RICH ONE.
A LOTTERY TICKET.
WELL, I'LL TAKE THAT,
AND I'LL WIN IT.
WHAT'S THIS?
A BANK BOOK?
A LOT OF GOOD
THAT'LL DO YOU HERE.
THERE--THERE AREN'T
ANY BANKS IN MORTVILLE?
THERE AIN'T NOTHING
HERE, LADY.
NOBODY'S GOT
ONE RED CENT IN MORTVILLE,
EXCEPT FOR THAT QUEEN.
THE QUEEN?
CAN SHE HELP US?
YOU GOT A LOT TO LEARN
ABOUT LIVING IN MORTVILLE.
I THINK WE'D LIKE
TO TAKE THE ROOM.
IT'S ALL YOURS,
SWEETHEART.
YOU HUNGRY?
YEAH.
I THINK I'M GOING
TO EAT MYSELF SOME CHOW,
AND I GOT
A LITTLE EXTRA.
LOOKS LIKE YOU GOT
A BIG APPETITE.
I'D BE HAPPY TO HELP
WITH THE PREPARATION.
WELL, THIS ONE
TAKES THE CAKE.
WELL, THIS ONE
TAKES THE CAKE.
[SPITS]
YOU BOTH SURE ARE
UGLY BITCHES.
GO ON, SIT DOWN.
HEY, MUFFY,
WE GOT COMPANY.
WE REALLY HADN'T PLANNED
ON COMING HERE.
WE'RE FROM
THE GUILFORD NEIGHBORHOOD
IN BALTIMORE.
I BEEN TO BALTIMORE
A FEW TIMES.
SOME BURG.
I HATE IT.
ALL THEM HILLBILLY FUCKS
LOOKING AT YOU.
WELL, IF YOU WANT
TO KNOW THE TRUTH,
WE HAD NO CHOICE
BUT TO COME TO MORTVILLE.
WE'RE IN
A LOT OF TROUBLE.
YOU SEE,
I'M QUITE PROMINENT,
AND WE ACCIDENTALLY
KILLED MY HUSBAND.
I DON'T CARE
WHAT YOU DID.
NOBODY'S IN MORTVILLE
FOR A VACATION.
WE ALL DID SOMETHING,
OR WE WOULDN'T BE HERE
IN THE FIRST PLACE.
DINNER'S SERVED.
OHH. I'M REALLY
NOT THAT HUNGRY.
I INVITED YOU TO DINNER,
AND YOU ACCEPTED.
NOW YOU'LL EAT THIS
IF I HAVE TO JAM IT DOWN
YOUR THROAT.
MUFFY,
I CALLED YOU TO DINNER.
DO I HAVE TO COME IN THERE
AND SMACK YOU?
[YAWNS]
YOU DON'T HAVE
TO SHOUT THE HOUSE DOWN.
I HEARD YOU
ALL RIGHT ALREADY.
THIS IS
MY GIRLFRIEND
MUFFY ST. JACQUES--
THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
IN ALL OF MORTVILLE.
HI.
HI.
THIS IS GRIZELDA
AND, UH...
I FORGET YOUR NAME.
PEGGY--
PEGGY GRAVEL.
IT'S A PLEASURE.
WE RENT THE ROOM
OUT BACK,
SO I GUESS
WE'LL BE NEIGHBORS.
OH, REALLY?
WELL, I SLEEP IN THE ROOM
RIGHT NEXT TO YOU--NAKED.
YOU'RE MINUTES LATE
FOR DINNER, MUFFY.
DON'T YOU REMEMBER
OUR LITTLE TALK
ABOUT YOUR LAZINESS?
ABOUT YOUR LAZINESS?
I WAS HAVING
AN EROTIC DREAM.
I WARNED YOU ABOUT
THINKING ABOUT MEN
BEFORE
YOUR AFTERNOON NAP.
DIRTY THOUGHTS
ABOUT DIRTY MEN
BRING ON DIRTY DREAMS,
AND YOU'RE
A DIRTY GIRL, MUFFY.
MOLE, I CAN'T HELP
WHAT I THINK ABOUT.
AFTER ALL,
IT'S NOT MY FAULT
MR. SANDMAN IS NOT
A BULLDOZER LIKE YOU.
I'M WARNING YOU,
MUFFY.
MOLE, SOMETIMES
I NEED A MAN.
I'M A MAN, MUFFY--
A MAN TRAPPED
IN A WOMAN'S BODY.
YEAH, MOLE,
BUT YOU DON'T HAVE
THE SAME BIG DEAL.
BUT YOU DON'T HAVE
THE SAME BIG DEAL.
AAH! AAH!
AAH!
UHH! UHH!
TAKE IT BACK!
OH, TAKE IT OUT!
IT HURTS!
TAKE BACK
WHAT YOU SAID TO ME!
OK, MOLE,
YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE.
I LOVE YOU.
YOU'RE MY MAN.
I'M ONLY QUEER FOR--OHH!
THAT'S BETTER.
YOU SEE, MUFFY KNOWS
HOW I FEEL ABOUT MEN.
I'M NOT ONE TO BE
PUSHED OVER MY LIMIT.
THAT HURT!
Officer: GO!
COME ON!
COME ON!
THERE THEY ARE.
DON'T MOVE, SCAG.
YOU'RE BOTH UNDER ARREST
BY THE ORDER OF HER
MAJESTY QUEEN CARLOTTA.
ANYTHING YOU SAY
COULD PUT YOU IN FRONT
OF THE FIRING SQUAD.
TAKE IT EASY!
WE AIN'T FIGHTING YOU!
HELP US!
PLEASE HELP US!
OH, DON'T WORRY.
STANDARD PROCEDURE
IN MORTVILLE.
OFFICER,
WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE
A LITTLE CUP OF GIN
OR SOMETHING?
STAY BACK,
PEASANT WOMAN!
OHH!
OHH!
STAY RIGHT THERE.
RIGHT THERE.
HOLD IT RIGHT THERE.
[PEGGY SOBBING]
COME ON,
COME ON.
COME ON, COME ON.
COME ON, YOU FATSO.
GET UP IN THERE.
[PEGGY SOBBING]
[PEGGY SOBBING]
[SOBBING]
OH, PEGGY.
PEGGY.
PEGGY.
PEGGY.
MMM! MMM!
OH, GRIZELDA,
I CAN'T.
OH, PEGGY.
PEGGY.
PEGGY.
LET'S GO!
COME ON!
COME ON, GET OUT OF THERE.
COME ON. LET'S GO.
COME ON.
COME ON.
COME ON.
COME ON, GET UP THERE.
LET'S GO.
COME ON, GET UP THERE.
LET'S GO.
MOVE IT!
MOVE IT!
COME ON!
[CHATTERING]
HEY, BOYS, LOOK
WHAT I BROUGHT YOU!
[GUARDS YELLING]
[GUARDS YELLING]
Guard: WE BROUGHT YOU
SOME FRESH MEAT!
FRESH MEAT!
Guard: GET DOWN
ON YOUR KNEES!
Second guard: WE GOT
SOMETHING GOOD FOR YOU
THIS TIME, GIRL.
DON'T BE CRYING,
CRYBABY.
DADDY'S NOT GOING
TO LEAVE YOU NOW.
AAH! OW!
Man: ASSHOLE.
ASSHOLE.
Man: ASSHOLE.
ASSHOLE.
[TRUMPETS]
HER MAJESTY, THE HONORABLE
QUEEN CARLOTTA OF MORTVILLE.
HER MAJESTY, THE HONORABLE
QUEEN CARLOTTA OF MORTVILLE.
WELCOME TO MORTVILLE,
LADIES.
I READ
IN THE BIG CITY PAPERS
THAT YOU ARE WANTED
FOR MURDER!
THE MURDER OF A CERTAIN
MR. BOSLEY GRAVEL.
WE ONLY--
YOU ARE INTERRUPTING
MY FLOW OF POWER!
GIVE THESE PEASANTS A LITTLE
DINNER, LIEUTENANT WILSON.
I BET THEY'RE HUNGRY AFTER
A LONG DAY OF BREAKIN' LAWS.
HERE.
NICE LIVE ROACHES.
OH, NO! NO!
COME ON, EAT THESE
FUCKIN' THINGS!
COME ON, EAT 'EM!
EAT 'EM!
[PEGGY CHOKING]
EAT 'EM, GOD DAMN IT!
EAT 'EM!
EAT THESE THINGS!
EAT THESE ROACHES!
OH!
PLENTY OF THAT
FOR YOU, TOO, HONEY.
COME ON, EAT 'EM!
EAT 'EM!
SWALLOW THOSE
GODDAMN THINGS.
EAT 'EM!
[COUGHING]
[SPITTING]
NOW LISTEN TO ME, RIFFRAFF.
EVERY WORD I EVER UTTER
IS TO BE TAKEN AS A DIRECT
ROYAL PROCLAMATION,
OR FACE DEATH
BY THE FIRING SQUAD.
YES, MA'AM.
MA'AM?! I'M
YOUR ROYAL HIGHNESS,
AND I DEMAND THAT YOU
ADDRESS ME AS SUCH!
YES, YOUR ROYAL HIGHNESS.
LET'S SHOW THEM
WE'RE NOT KIDDING.
BRING IN THE PRISONER,
LIEUTENANT WILSON.
COME ON, YOU ROTTEN
SON OF A BITCH.
YOU BASTARD.
YOU BASTARD.
ANY LAST WORDS, GOON FACE?
YOU CAN LICK MY ROYAL
HEMORRHOIDS, YOU FAT PIG.
OH! READY, AIM, FIRE!
OH! READY, AIM, FIRE!
AAH!
I ADVISE YOU TO LISTEN
CAREFULLY, RUBBISH.
ROYAL PROCLAMATION
NUMBER ONE.
[TRUMPETS]
AS LONG AS YOU LIVE
IN MORTVILLE,
YOU MUST ALWAYS
CONSIDER ME YOUR GOD,
AND IF YOU EVER
SEE ME ON THE STREETS,
FALL TO YOUR KNEES AND SHOUT,
"I HONOR YOU, QUEEN CARLOTTA!"
ROYAL PROCLAMATION NUMBER .
[TRUMPETS]
YOU MUST LIVE HERE
IN CONSTANT MORTIFICATION,
SOLELY EXISTING TO BRING ME
AND MY TOURISTS
MOMENTS OF ROYAL AMUSEMENT.
I'M NOT RESPONSIBLE
FOR YOUR INCOME,
YOUR LIVING CONDITIONS,
OR YOUR PERSONAL HAPPINESS.
HAVE I MADE MYSELF
PERFECTLY CLEAR?
YES, YOUR ROYAL MAJESTY.
AND YOU, MRS. GRAVEL,
MURDERESS?
YOU'VE MADE YOURSELF
QUITE CLEAR.
YOUR...
YOUR ROYAL MAJESTY.
SO BE IT!
LIEUTENANT WILLIAMS,
TAKE THEM TO OUR UGLY EXPERT,
AND GIVE THEM
A COMPLETE OVERHAUL,
AND WHEN YOU WALK DOWN
THE STREETS OF MORTVILLE,
MAKE SURE YOU'RE DRESSED
LIKE WHAT YOU REALLY ARE--
TRASH!
REMOVE THEM!
Lieutenant: COME ON!
WE'RE NOT THROUGH HERE!
Second lieutenant:
COME ON! GET ON YOUR FEET!
COME ON! OUT!
[ALL YELLING]
OUT, OUT, OUT!
OUT, OUT, OUT!
AH. ARE MY DUTIES
OF DISCIPLINE
EVER OVER,
LIEUTENANT WILSON?
REMOVE ME
FROM THIS CONTRAPTION.
I HONOR YOU,
QUEEN CARLOTTA.
YES, I KNOW, I KNOW.
GET ME INTO MY ROYAL COT
AND BE QUICK.
GET ME INTO MY ROYAL COT
AND BE QUICK.
COME ON, COME ON.
I HAVEN'T GOT ALL DAY.
COME ON. HURRY, HURRY.
COME ON. YES. COME ON.
IF IT PLEASES THE QUEEN,
ROYAL SECURITY HAS REPORTED
THAT THE PRINCESS COO-COO
HAS RETURNED TO THE CASTLE.
SHE'S BEEN OUT ALL NIGHT AGAIN
WITH THAT GARBAGE MAN.
THAT CHILD OF MINE'LL
BE THE DEATH OF ME YET.
TAKE ME TO HER CHAMBERS.
I HONOR YOU,
YOUR MAJESTY.
BE QUICK. COME ON.
LET'S GO, LET'S GO.
[HONKING HORN] GET OUT
OF THE WAY, OUT OF THE WAY!
COME ON!
COME ON! HURRY, HURRY!
COME ON, COME ON!
OUT OF THE WAY!
COME ON!
GET OUT OF THE WAY.
COME ON. HURRY UP.
All: I HONOR YOU,
QUEEN CARLOTTA.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
GET OUT OF THE WAY.
COME ON, COME ON.
COME ON. HURRY.
[CUCKOO CLOCK]
[CUCKOO CLOCK]
I'LL CALL YOU WHEN I NEED
YOU, LIEUTENANT WILSON.
I HONOR YOU,
YOUR MAJESTY.
COO-COO, I MUST HAVE
A LITTLE TALK WITH YOU.
OH, LEAVE ME ALONE, MUMMY.
I'VE HAD A WONDERFUL EVENING,
AND I DON'T WANT IT SPOILED
WITH YOUR NOSY NAGGING.
A WONDERFUL EVENING
WITH A GARBAGE MAN?
HE'S NOT
A GARBAGE MAN.
HE JUST HELPS PICK UP TRASH
AT THE NUDIST COLONY.
I HARDLY THINK
THAT A NUDIST JANITOR
IS A PROPER ESCORT
FOR A ROYAL PRINCESS.
I'M YEARS OLD,
AND I CAN DATE WHO I PLEASE.
YOU HAVE NO RIGHT
TO ORDER ME AROUND
LIKE ONE
OF YOUR SUBJECTS.
YOU MAY NOT REALIZE IT,
COO-COO,
BUT YOU HAVE
AN AWESOME RESPONSIBILITY
ON YOUR SHOULDERS.
ONE DAY, ALL MORTVILLE
WILL BE YOURS,
AND YOU MUST LEARN
TO RULE WITH DIGNITY.
I DON'T WANT TO BE
QUEEN OF ANYWHERE!
MOTHER, I WANT
TO MARRY HERBERT!
HERBERT? IS THAT HIS NAME?
IT'S A BEAUTIFUL NAME.
YOU WOULD STEP DOWN
FROM YOUR THRONE
FOR THE LOVE
OF A MUTANT?
BUT, MUMMY,
I LOVE HIM!
WELL, I WON'T HAVE IT!
I'M AFRAID I'M GOING TO
HAVE TO PUNISH YOU, COO-COO.
YOU'RE FORBIDDEN
TO LEAVE YOUR ROOM
UNTIL YOUR
th BIRTHDAY!
I WON'T STAY
IN THIS CASTLE!
I LOVE HERBERT,
AND I'M GONNA MARRY HIM,
AND YOU WON'T STOP ME!
[SNIFFLING]
[SOBBING] NOW YOU'VE
GIVEN ME ANOTHER NOSEBLEED!
I HATE THIS STUPID TOWN!
GET OUT OF HERE!
LEAVE ME BE!
Wilson: EXCUSE ME,
YOUR HIGHNESS.
TAKE ME TO MY BEDROOM
AND LOCK COO-COO UP
FOR THE NIGHT.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!
COME ON. HURRY UP,
HURRY UP.
THAT DAUGHTER OF MINE
IS A DELINQUENT.
I'M GOING TO HAVE TO TAKE
DRASTIC STEPS WITH HER.
I HONOR YOU,
QUEEN CARLOTTA.
CAN YOU MAKE IT,
YOUR HIGHNESS?
I SUPPOSE SO. UGH.
I BELIEVE
IT'S YOUR NIGHT
TO SERVICE ME,
LIEUTENANT WILSON.
I'M ALWAYS EAGER,
YOUR HIGHNESS.
OH, THAT LOVE MUSCLE.
WHIP IT OUT
AND SHOW IT HARD.
OOH. OH, COME ON, DADDY.
FUCK ME. COME ON. OOH.
GLOW, LITTLE INCHWORM.
OH!
LOOK AT THOSE BALLS!
OH, DADDY! COME ON.
OOH, LOOK AT THAT POUT.
YEAH. OOH, COME ON.
OH, COME ON, LIEUTENANT.
I HAVEN'T GOT ALL NIGHT.
COME ON. OH, COME ON.
OOH! OOH! OH!
[MOANING]
DON'T BOTHER WITH THE HEAD.
THE "V" OF MY CROTCH
IS WHAT NEEDS THE ATTENTION.
BUT I CAN FUCK LIKE
A BANDIT, YOUR HIGHNESS.
WELL, RUB MY SAFETY
DEPOSIT BOX, THEN.
DIG FOR GOLD!
DIG FOR GOLD!
OH, YOUR HIGHNESS!
[YELLING]
GO, DADDY!
GO ALL NIGHT!
GET IT, GET IT, GET IT!
GET IT!
GET IT!
Woman: PRETTY OUTFITS.
Second woman:
HA HA HA!
FUNNY, IS IT?
WELL, LET ME TELL YOU,
I WOULDN'T WEAR
THIS OUTFIT TO A DOG FIGHT.
MAYBE YOU TWO
HAVE RESIGNED YOURSELVES
TO A SUBHUMAN LIFE
IN THIS SLUM OF A TOWN,
BUT I, PEGGY GRAVEL,
HAVE NOT.
YOU BETTER HUSH UP
BEFORE MOLE
LOSES HER TEMPER
AND SMACKS YOU.
JUST SHUT UP, PEGGY.
NO, I WON'T SHUT UP.
YOU SHUT UP!
I'LL TELL YOU, MY BLUE BLOOD
IS ABOUT READY TO BOIL.
HEY! YOU LISTEN
TO ME, WACKO.
SEE THIS FIST?
I'M ABOUT READY TO USE
THAT HATCHET-FACE OF
YOURS AS A PUNCHING BAG.
NOW SIT DOWN
AND SHUT UP!
MOLE'S RIGHT, PEGGY.
I AM SICK OF LISTENIN'
TO YOUR BITCHIN'.
THE NEXT TIME YOU FEEL
A FIT COMIN' ON,
GO OUTSIDE AND BITCH.
BITCH AT THE AIR.
BITCH AT THE TREES.
BUT DON'T BITCH AT US!
BUT BITCHING ISN'T RELIEF
IF THERE'S NO ONE TO HEAR IT.
WELL,
WE CAN'T ALL BE
YOUR PSYCHIATRIST,
HONEY.
WE'VE GOT PROBLEMS
OF OUR OWN.
WELL, WHY ARE YOU
IN MORTVILLE?
OH, IT'S A LONG
UGLY STORY.
GO AHEAD, MUFFY.
TELL HER.
MAYBE SHE'D STOP FEELIN'
SORRY FOR HERSELF.
I WASN'T ALWAYS
LIKE THIS.
OH, I MEAN, OF
COURSE I WAS ALWAYS
VISUALLY STUNNING,
BUT I WAS MARRIED
TO A MAN,
AND I HAD A BABY
NAMED FREDDY.
IT WAS ABOUT
YEARS AGO,
AND MY HUSBAND AND I
WERE JUST RETURNING
FROM A COCKTAIL PARTY.
FROM A COCKTAIL PARTY.
Muffy: LET ME DRIVE!
Husband: GET OFF!
I CAN DRIVE!
ALWAYS TRYING
TO BOSS ME AROUND.
YOU'RE DRUNK,
AS PER USUAL.
AAH!
EVERY TIME WE STEP OUT OF
THE HOUSE, YOU GET DEAD DRUNK.
WHEN YOU'RE
MARRIED TO A NAG,
A MAN'S
GOT TO DRINK.
FIRST I HAVE TO BE MORTIFIED
IN FRONT OF OUR FRIENDS.
NOW I HAVE TO BE MORTIFIED
IN FRONT OF THE BABY-SITTER.
I SUPPOSE I'LL
HAVE TO DRIVE HER HOME.
I'LL TAKE HER.
YEAH, YOU'LL TAKE HER
STRAIGHT TO THE GRAVEYARD.
LET ME DRIVE!
GET OFF! I'LL TAKE HER!
Boy: CHECK IT OUT. HA!
[GUITAR PLAYING]
[KIDS SINGING]
[DRUMS PLAYING]
[KIDS YELLING]
[KIDS YELLING]
Husband: THIS MOTHERFUCKER
IS HAVING A LITTLE PARTY!
Husband: THIS MOTHERFUCKER
IS HAVING A LITTLE PARTY!
Muffy: WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
Husband: WHAT IS THIS?
[MAN SCREAMING]
[MUSIC PLAYING LOUDLY]
[MUSIC PLAYING LOUDLY]
WHO ARE YOU?
GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!
WHO ARE YOU?
GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!
WHERE'S MY BABY?
WHERE'S MY BABY?
FREDDY!
Husband: GET OUT OF MY
LIQUOR, YOU LITTLE PUNK!
OH, FREDDY!
[MUSIC STOPS]
OH, FREDDY!
[MUSIC STOPS]
OH, MY GOD! HE'S GONE!
[SOBBING]
[SOBBING]
OH, MY GOD!
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
WITH MY BABY?
I DON'T KNOW!
I'M TRIPPIN'!
TRIPPIN'?
WHERE'S FREDDY?
I THINK I PUT HIM
IN THE KITCHEN.
THE KITCHEN?
OH, FREDDY! FREDDY!
THE KITCHEN?
OH, FREDDY! FREDDY!
[CRYING]
OH!
OH, FREDDY! FREDDY!
LITTLE FREDDY.
OH, BABY.
HEY, GOT ANY DOWNERS?
MY BABY.
YOU LITTLE TRAMP!
MY BABY WAS IN
THE REFRIGERATOR!
SO DON'T PAY ME!
DON'T PAY MEN, THEN.
DON'T PAY YOU?
YOU LITTLE SNIP.
OH, THAT'S
ALL RIGHT.
OH, THAT'S
ALL RIGHT.
AAH!
AAH!
COME ON, BITCH.
EAT SOME DOG FOOD!
NO!
EAT IT! EAT IT!
EAT IT! EAT IT!
EAT IT, YOU BITCH!
PUT MY BABY
IN THE REFRIGERATOR.
EAT IT!
MURDERER!
MURDERER!
OH, GOOD CHRIST.
ARE YOU CRAZY?
ARE YOU TRYING
TO KILL HER?
GET YOUR STINKIN' LIQUOR
BREATH OUT OF MY FACE,
YOU DRUNKEN SLOB!
OH-HO-HO!
OH-HO-HO!
[MUFFY SOBBING]
[MUFFY SOBBING]
[STARTS ENGINE]
[STARTS ENGINE]
YOU!
YOU!
YOU CRAZY WOMAN!
YOU CRAZY--
OPEN THIS WINDOW.
YOU CRAZY WOMAN.
YOU SHOULD BE
IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL.
YOU PISSY-ASS DRUNK!
GET AWAY FROM ME.
TAKE YOUR ASS TO A.A.!
GET OUT OF HERE,
YOU SLOB!
GET OUT OF HERE.
DON'T TOUCH ME.
GET OUT OF HERE.
DON'T TOUCH ME.
AAH! AAH!
I'M SORRY.
AAH! AAH!
[SOBBING]
[SOBBING]
AAH!
AAH!
[SOBBING] I'VE NEVER
SEEN MY BABY AGAIN.
THE PRESS STILL CALLS ME
THE DOG FOOD MURDERESS.
I CAN NEVER GO BACK.
I COULDN'T BEAR THE SHAME.
[SNIFFLES] AND YOU, MOLE,
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
WELL, I'VE BEEN IN MORTVILLE
FOR LONG YEARS,
AND I'LL TELL YA,
IT ISN'T VERY PRETTY WHAT
A TOWN WITHOUT PITY CAN DO.
WHAT BROUGHT ME HERE
WAS A CHAMPIONSHIP
WRESTLIN' MATCH.
IT WAS BACK IN
AND I WAS FIGHTIN' UNDER
THE NAME OF RASTLIN' RITA,
AND MY CHALLENGER
WAS BIG JIMMY DONG,
THE HUMAN BLOCKHEAD.
GOOD EVENING,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
WELCOME TO RINGSIDE ARENA.
TONIGHT'S MAIN EVENT--
FEATURING BIG JIMMY DONG,
THE HUMAN BLOCKHEAD.
[CROWD CHEERS]
[CROWD CHEERS]
[ALL CHEERING]
[ALL CHEERING]
AND IN THE OPPOSITE CORNER,
HIS OPPONENT RASTLIN' RITA!
[CROWD BOOS]
[CROWD BOOS]
FUCK YOU!
FUCK YOU!
FUCK YOU!
[ALL YELLING AND BOOING]
[ALL YELLING AND BOOING]
[SCREAMING]
[SCREAMING]
[ALL BOOING]
[ALL BOOING]
[YELLING]
[YELLING]
THAT ENDED MY PROFESSIONAL
RASTLIN' CAREER,
AND I'VE BEEN HERE
EVER SINCE,
SITTIN' IN MY OWN STINK AND
TRYIN' TO FIGURE A WAY OUT.
BUT OUR LUCK'S GONNA
BE CHANGIN'. RIGHT, MUFF?
RIGHT, MOLE, WE'RE
GONNA WIN THAT LOTTERY.
I BELIEVE THAT WAS
OUR LOTTERY TICKET.
IT WAS YOURS, BUT YOU
RENTED A ROOM, ASSWIPE.
THAT TICKET'S MINE NOW.
WELL, YOU BETTER
GIVE US OUR SHARE.
WE NEED MONEY.
WE'RE NOT TRASH LIKE YOU.
WE'RE NOT USED TO
THIS LOW-CLASS LIFE.
I'LL WIPE THE FLOOR
WITH YOU!
BREAK IT UP!
BREAK IT UP!
RIP HER HEAD
RIGHT OFF!
THOSE LOTTERY TICKETS
AIN'T NO GOOD NO WAY.
THE ODDS ARE
A MILLION TO ONE.
DON'T SAY THAT!
YOU'LL HEX
OUR GOOD LUCK.
I'M WARNIN' YOU BOTH.
YOU BETTER STAY
OUT OF MY WAY,
'CAUSE WHEN OLD MOLE
GETS MEAN,
THERE'S NO TELLIN'
WHAT SHE'LL DO.
PEGGY, I THINK
IT'S TIME FOR BED.
NOW WE BOTH NEED
A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP.
OH, I'LL SLEEP,
ALL RIGHT.
MAYBE IN MY DREAMS I CAN FORGET
ABOUT THIS ROTTEN LITTLE TOWN
AND ITS DISGUSTING
POPULATION.
AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED,
YOU TWO BELONG
IN MORTVILLE.
OH!
[COYOTE HOWLS]
[COYOTE HOWLS]
OH, THOSE BOSOMS
DRIVE ME BERSERK, BABY.
[MOANING]
[MOANING]
THAT WAS AN UNH-UNH!
THAT WAS AN UNH-UNH!
PEGGY! OH, PEGGY!
[MOANING]
GO, PEGGY, GO!
GET IT, PEGGY.
GET IT! GET IT!
OH! OH, PEGGY.
IT'S SO UNNATURAL!
OH, GET IT!
JUST GET IT, PEGGY!
BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW!
JUST EAT IT, PEGGY.
EAT IT! EAT IT!
IF IT'S GOOD ENOUGH
FOR GERTRUDE STEIN...
EAT IT, PEGGY!
OOH! AAH! AAH!
[SCREAMING]
[SCREAMING]
[SCREAMING]
[SCREAMING]
WAKE UP! WAKE UP!
[ALL YELLING]
[ALL YELLING]
LET'S GO!
[SNORING]
[MEN YELLING]
Man: COME ON,
LET'S GO!
Second man:
GET OUT OF BED!
[POUNDING]
Man: GET UP!
WHAT THE FUCK
IS THAT NOW?
[YELLING, POUNDING]
[YELLING, POUNDING]
Man: COME ON,
WAKE UP!
ROYAL PROCLAMATION!
ALL RESIDENTS MUST READ
THE ROYAL PROCLAMATION!
HERE, STUPID. HA HA HA!
HERE, STUPID. HA HA HA!
[GROWLS]
[GROWLS]
HUH?
YOU WON'T BELIEVE
THIS, MUFFY.
THAT COW HAS GONE
TOO FAR THIS TIME.
LISTEN TO THIS SHIT.
"ROYAL PROCLAMATION.
QUEEN CARLOTTA
"HAS PROCLAIMED TODAY
AS BACKWARDS DAY.
"ALL RESIDENTS MUST WEAR
THEIR CLOTHES BACKWARDS
"AND WALK BACKWARDS
AT ALL TIMES.
"ANYONE WHO FAILS TO
PERFORM FOR THE TOURISTS
WILL BE IMMEDIATELY
EXECUTED."
OH, GOD!
YOU MEAN WE HAVE TO WALK
AROUND BACKWARDS ALL DAY?
LOOKS THAT WAY, MUFFY.
OH, AND ON AN EMPTY
STOMACH YET.
MOLE, I'M STARVING
TO DEATH.
DITTO, DOLL FACE.
DITTO, DOLL FACE.
[GROANING]
[GROANING]
OH, THE CUPBOARD'S
BARE, MUFFY!
OH, IT AIN'T RIGHT
TO WAKE UP
HEARIN' YOUR OWN
STOMACH GROWLIN'.
I GUESS WE'LL JUST HAVE TO
WAIT FOR THE FOOD DUMP.
EVERYWHERE I LOOK'S
A BIG NOTHING!
I'D EAT ANYTHING!
I KNOW, MOLE. I'M SO HUNGRY
I COULD EAT CANCER.
[MOLE GASPS]
ISN'T THIS A GODSEND?
PUSSY BROUGHT DADDY
SOME BREAKFAST!
I HOPE THOSE OTHER TWO
AREN'T EXPECTING
A CONTINENTAL BREAKFAST,
'CAUSE OLD MOLE'S
GONNA CHOMP THIS DOWN
IN ONE BIG BITE.
IN ONE BIG BITE.
OH. OOH.
MARSHMALLOW.
OH, THAT LOOKS GOOD.
MMM. AND CHEEZ-ITS
FOR MY LITTLE TUMMY.
HA HA HA!
MMM. MMM. THIS IS SO--
IT'S SO GOOD.
MMM. HA HA HA HA.
[TWEET]
WELL, GOOD MORNING,
LITTLE BIRDY.
YOU'RE A CUTE
LITTLE FELLA.
WANT SOME PIZZA?
WANT SOME PIZZA?
I BET YOU'RE HUNGRY.
YES. BIRDY,
BIRDY, BIRDY.
I BET YOU FLEW
ALL THE WAY TO MORTVILLE
JUST TO SEE BACKWARDS DAY,
DIDN'T YOU?
WELL, YOU FLEW
INTO THE RIGHT WINDOW,
'CAUSE I'M YOUR QUEEN.
YES.
EXCUSE ME,
YOUR HIGHNESS,
BUT PRINCESS COO-COO
HAS JUST ESCAPED
FROM HER ROYAL BEDROOM.
SHE WHAT?
THAT LITTLE M.F.
COME ON AND GET ME
INTO MY COT.
BE QUICK, TOO.
COME ON.
I HONOR YOU,
YOUR MAJESTY.
I HONOR YOU,
YOUR MAJESTY.
COME ON, YOU GOONS.
COME ON.
GET ME INTO THAT COT.
COME ON. LET'S HURRY,
LET'S HURRY.
COME ON. LET'S HURRY,
LET'S HURRY.
COME ON. LET'S GO,
LET'S GO. COME ON.
COME ON.
COME ON, YOU BIG APE.
HURRY UP, HURRY UP.
COME ON. [GASPS]
UGH. WHY, THAT UNGRATEFUL
LITTLE WHIPPERSNAPPER!
SHE ESCAPED BY SHIMMYING
DOWN THIS ROPE OF SHEETS.
ON BACKWARDS DAY YET?
I WANT YOU MORONS
TO FIND HER,
AND AS FOR
THAT GARBAGE MAN,
I WANT HIM SHOT ON SIGHT.
DAMN THAT HELLCAT
OF A DAUGHTER OF MINE.
THAT GOOD-FOR-NOTHING,
SIMPLEMINDED SCALAWAG!
DAMN, DAMN, DAMN IT!
DAMN, DAMN, DAMN IT!
OH, CHRIST.
[MUFFY WHIMPERS]
OH!
PARDON ME.
PARDON ME.
WATCH IT, CLOWN!
SORRY.
SORRY.
HI, MR. PAUL!
HI, DOLL FACE!
THIS BACKWARDS DAY'S
A LOT OF SHIT, AIN'T IT?
SURE IS, MR. PAUL.
IT SURE IS.
CAN WE COME?
OH, FUCK.
[LAUGHING]
Grizelda: WAIT, WAIT!
HA HA HA!
WAIT FOR US!
HA HA HA!
HA HA HA!
COME ON.
[KNOCKS ON DOOR]
SORRY! NUDISTS ONLY!
NO TOURISTS!
SHINA, IT'S ME MUFFY!
WELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY
IT WAS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL
WOMAN IN MORTVILLE?
HI, DARLIN'.
HEY, MR. MOLE.
OH, THIS IS
GRIZELDA AND PEGGY.
THEY'RE NEW
IN MORTVILLE.
IT'S NICE
TO MEET YOU.
SHINA, YOU GOT
TODAY'S PAPER AROUND?
WE WANT TO SEE IF WE WON
THE MARYLAND LOTTERY.
YOU KNOW NEWSPAPERS
ARE CONTRABAND,
BUT I SURE HOPE
YOU DO WIN.
THIS TOWN COULD STAND
A LITTLE GLAMOUR.
I TELL YOU,
I'M GETTIN' FED UP.
YEAH, WE'RE ALL
FED UP, SHINA.
AT LEAST YOU DON'T
HAVE TO PARTICIPATE
IN BACKWARDS DAY.
I KNOW! I'M SURPRISED
THE QUEEN DIDN'T ORDER ME
TO WEAR MY VAGINA
BACKWARDS.
[ALL LAUGHING]
EXCUSE ME, BUT
I MUST SEE HERBERT.
HERBERT, MY LOVE.
I HONOR YOU,
PRINCESS COO-COO.
I HONOR YOU--
OH, YOU DON'T
HAVE TO DO THAT.
I'M NOT LIKE
MY MOTHER.
I'M A NORMAL PERSON.
COME ON, NOW. GET UP.
PLEASE, GET UP.
HERBERT'S OUT THERE
SEARCHIN' FOR GARBAGE
AS USUAL,
PRINCESS COO-COO,
BUT I TELL YOU, IF YOU TWO
ARE HAVIN' AN AFFAIR,
BE CAREFUL! THAT QUEEN
WILL CUT OFF YOUR EARS!
LET HER DO IT, THEN.
HERBERT DOESN'T CARE
IF I HAVE EARS.
HE ONLY CARES
ABOUT MY MIND.
HE ONLY CARES
ABOUT MY MIND.
HERBERT!
COO-COO! COO-COO!
OH, COO.
I WORSHIP THE GROUND
YOU WALK ON.
I COULDN'T KEEP MY MIND
ON MY WORK ALL MORNIN'.
EVERY PIECE OF TRASH
I HAD TO PICK UP
REMINDED ME OF YOU.
AN OLD CANDY WRAPPER MADE ME
THINK OF HOW SWEET YOU ARE.
A SNOTTY KLEENEX MADE ME
REALIZE HOW MUCH I'D CRY
IF WE EVER HAD TO PART.
AN OLD RUBBER MADE ME THINK
OF ALL THE NIGHTS OF EROS
WE HAVE BEFORE US.
I LOVE YOU, COO-COO.
OH, HERBERT.
I MASTURBATED
TIMES LAST NIGHT
JUST THINKIN' OF YOU,
AND WHEN I FINALLY
DID FALL ASLEEP,
MY DREAMS
WERE NOT EXACTLY DRY.
TAKE ME NOW, HERBERT.
TAKE ME IN FRONT
OF THE WHOLE TOWN!
TAKE ME IN FRONT
OF THE WHOLE TOWN!
[GUNFIRE]
OH, MY GOD!
OH, NO, NO!
OH, JESUS.
AAH!
AAH!
OH, NO! WHAT HELL LAYS
IN STORE FOR US NOW?
I DON'T KNOW. WILL YOU
JUST KEEP UP WITH MOLE?
[ALL TALKING]
[ALL TALKING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
HOW DO YOU
LIKE THAT?
HOW DO YOU
LIKE THAT?
GET HIM, GIRL!
YEAH!
WHAT KIND OF A BAR
IS THIS?
WHO ASKED YOU TO SIT
WITH US, ANYWAY?
WELL, I HAVE TO USE
THE LADIES ROOM.
THE PISS HOLE'S
OUT BACK.
I'LL SAVE YOUR SEAT
FOR YOU.
I'LL SAVE YOUR SEAT
FOR YOU.
Peggy: OH!
Woman: OVER HERE, BABY!
SIT ON MY FACE!
STOP IT! NO!
OH, GOD! NO!
SIT ON MY FACE
OVER HERE!
NO! STOP!
LEAVE ME ALONE!
NO! STOP!
LEAVE ME ALONE!
OH, LOOKIN' FOR
SOME ACTION?
OH, NO! NO!
COME ON!
LEAVE ME ALONE!
LEAVE ME ALONE!
LEAVE ME ALONE!
COME ON!
IT WON'T HURT.
JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!
COME ON!
NO! GO AWAY!
LEAVE ME--
WE'LL HAVE
A GOOD TIME.
LEAVE ME ALONE!
STOP! STOP! STOP!
OH, GOD! NO!
COME ON,
LEAVE ME ALONE!
I WANNA--
GO AWAY!
LEAVE ME ALONE!
FREAK.
PLEASE,
JUST GO AWAY.
JUST GO AWAY.
JUST GO AWAY.
AAH! OH, GOD!
OH, PLEASE JUST GO AWAY!
JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!
JUST LEAVE ME ALONE,
PLEASE!
JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!
JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!
OH, GOD! NO!
OH, GOD! NO!
[WOMEN CHEERING]
[WOMEN CHEERING]
Woman: FLIPPER! YEAH!
OH, GOD! GET OFF!
OH, GOD! GET OFF!
[YELLING]
I'M NOT TRYING
TO BE RUDE, REALLY,
BUT I CAN'T STAY
IN HERE ANY LONGER.
AH, WHAT'S THE MATTER?
DON'T YOU LIKE FUN?
THIS IS NOT
MY IDEA OF FUN.
GRIZELDA,
PLEASE WALK ME
BACK TO THE HOUSE.
OH, LOOSEN UP A BIT.
I HAVE NO DESIRE TO
BE A LOOSE PERSON,
AND YOU SHOULD
STOP DRINKING
BEFORE YOU GET
DEAD DRUNK.
OH, COME ON.
I'LL WALK YOU BACK.
I DON'T GET YOU,
PEGGY.
YEAH,
YOU LEECH ONTO US
AND THEN ALL YOU DO
IS COMPLAIN.
LET THE LITTLE
BABIES GO HOME.
BOY, IF YOU
DON'T LIKE THIS BAR,
THERE IS REALLY
SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU.
KILL HIM, FLIP!
Woman: GET HIM, FLIP!
[CHEERING]
[CHEERING]
GET HIM, FLIPPER!
GET HIM, FLIPPER!
[BOTTLE BREAKS]
[ALL YELLING, FIGHTING]
[ALL YELLING, FIGHTING]
HIT HIM! COME ON,
YOU GUYS!
HIT HIM! COME ON,
YOU GUYS!
HA HA HA.
BYE-BYE, SWEETIE.
SEE YOU NEXT TUESDAY.
SAME TIME, SAME PLACE.
BYE!
BYE!
WHOO! MM-HMM.
WHOO! MM-HMM.
YOU LAZY BITCH!
I'M OUT WORKIN'
MY TAIL OFF ALL DAY,
AND YOU'RE IN THERE
FUCKIN' MIDGETS.
ISN'T THAT THE PITS?
OH, FLIPPER, NOW
DON'T START THAT SHIT.
SHE'S JUST AN OLD
FRIEND OF MINE.
HEY, COME ON, NOW.
GET IN HERE.
COME ON. COME ON.
FRIEND, MY ASS.
YOU'VE TURNED
MY APARTMENT
INTO YOUR OWN
PRIVATE PASSION PIT.
HAVEN'T YOU?
HEY, YOU BETTER
CRAM IT, FLIPPER.
NOT IN FRONT
OF COMPANY.
SORRY IF WE
INTERRUPTED ANYTHING.
OH, YOU DIDN'T INTERRUPT
ANYTHING, MOLE.
FLIPPER'S SO JEALOUS. SHE
THINKS THE TOILETS I SIT ON
IS HER COMPETITION.
NOW WHAT CAN I DO FOR YA?
WE'RE TRYIN' TO FIND
TODAY'S PAPER.
YOU GOT ONE,
SHOTSIE?
YEAH, YEAH. I GOT ONE
AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE.
JUST WAIT
A MINUTE HERE.
JUST WAIT
A MINUTE HERE.
Shotsie: HEY,
ALL RIGHT. HERE YOU GO.
Shotsie: HEY,
ALL RIGHT. HERE YOU GO.
THERE IT IS.
OH, THERE IT IS.
"MARYLAND
LOTTERY LISTINGS."
HERE THEY ARE.
"O- - - - ...
- - !"
WE DID IT, MUFFY!
AAH!
WE'RE RICH!
I WANT MY OWN--
AAH! WE WON
$ . OW!
THANK YOU, GOD!
SHUT UP, MUFFY.
SHUT UP.
SHUT UP, MUFFY.
SHUT UP.
LOOK AT ALL THOSE
DUMMIES.
COME ON, YOU APES.
HURRY UP.
HURRY UP. COME ON.
LET'S BE QUICK.
HURRY UP. COME ON.
LET'S BE QUICK.
Queen: LOOK AT
THOSE DUMMIES.
[ALL MUTTERING]
[ALL MUTTERING]
ATTENTION!
ATTENTION!
THE HONORABLE QUEEN
CARLOTTA OF MORTVILLE!
Man: I HONOR YOU...
Woman: WE HONOR YOU,
QUEEN CARLOTTA.
HAIL QUEEN CARLOTTA!
HAIL QUEEN CARLOTTA!
Man: I HONOR YOU,
QUEEN CARLOTTA.
Queen: OUT OF MY WAY!
COME ON!
Man: WE HONOR YOU,
QUEEN CARLOTTA.
Second man: I HONOR YOU,
QUEEN CARLOTTA.
HEY, MORONS, YOU GOT
YOUR CLOTHES ON BACKWARDS.
HA HA HA!
HA HA HA!
OH, GOSH. THIS IS FUN.
HI, STUPID! HI, UGLY!
HA HA HA!
OH. EW.
THAT SENILE OLD CUNT.
I WISH I HAD A RIFLE
WITH A TELESCOPIC
LENS IN IT.
I'D HELP YOU
PULL THE TRIGGER, MOLE.
SQUEAKY FROMME,
WHERE ARE YOU
WHEN WE NEED YOU?
I CAN'T RESIST.
THAT HOG FACE
IS TOO MUCH OF A MOVING
TARGET TO IGNORE.
IS TOO MUCH OF A MOVING
TARGET TO IGNORE.
GOD DAMN IT!
WHO THREW THAT?
GOD DAMN IT.
OH, HERBERT.
WE'RE SAFE NOW.
I'M SORRY I HAD TO
DRAG YOU ALL THAT WAY,
BUT THOSE SILLY NUDISTS
WANTED TO BURY YOU.
BUT THOSE SILLY NUDISTS
WANTED TO BURY YOU.
OH, I LOVE YOU, TOO,
MY DARLING.
MOTHER CAN'T HURT US NOW.
WE'LL GET MARRIED TONIGHT.
OH, YOU DON'T
LOOK SO WELL.
I HOPE YOU PERK UP
FOR OUR HONEYMOON.
I HOPE YOU PERK UP
FOR OUR HONEYMOON.
WHAT THE HELL
IS THIS?
OH, I'M SORRY. I KNOW IT'S
RUDE TO BRING MY LOVER HERE,
ESPECIALLY SINCE
I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU,
BUT MY MOTHER'S ARMY'S
TRYING TO KILL MY HERBERT.
YOUNG WOMAN, THAT MAN
IS ALREADY DEAD.
NO, HE'S NOT.
HE'S JUST ASLEEP.
AREN'T YOU, HERBERT?
SAY HI TO THE NICE LADIES.
YOU'D BETTER GET
YOUR LILY-WHITE ASS
OUT OF HERE
BEFORE WE ALL GET SHOT.
OH, PLEASE DON'T
KICK ME OUT.
THOSE SOLDIERS
ARE LOOKING FOR ME,
AND MY MOTHER'LL
LOCK ME UP IN THE CASTLE
IF SHE FINDS ME.
YOU OBVIOUSLY BELONG
IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL.
LOOK WHO'S CALLIN'
THE KETTLE BLACK.
SHE'S JUST UPSET.
NOW BE EASY ON HER.
I WILL NOT!
I DON'T WANT SOME RENEGADE
NECROPHILE PRINCESS
AS MY ROOMMATE.
IT'S JUST
FOR A FEW DAYS.
DON'T BE SO SELFISH.
SELFISH?
I'LL SHOW YOU SELFISH.
GET OUT OF HERE,
MONGOLOID!
TAKE YOUR STINKING CORPSE
OF A BOYFRIEND WITH YOU.
[SOBBING] OH, HERBERT, THIS
LADY'S BEING SO MEAN TO ME.
DON'T CRY, PRINCESS.
I'LL TRY AND
HELP YOU SOME WAY.
I'LL TRY AND
HELP YOU SOME WAY.
THERE, THERE. EVERYTHING'S
GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.
GO AHEAD. FEEL HER UP,
JUST LIKE YOU DID TO ME.
FIND 'EM, FEEL 'EM,
FUCK 'EM, FORGET 'EM!
IS THAT YOUR NEW MOTTO?
ZIP THAT GAPING HOLE
OF A MOUTH UP, PEGGY,
BEFORE I PLUG IT UP
WITH MY FIST.
YOU'RE JUST LIKE
ALL THE REST
OF THE COMMON DYKES
IN THIS TOWN.
AAH!
WHAT THE HELL
DO YOU MEAN, DYKE?
A FAT DYKE!
FAT DYKE!
HELP, POLICE!
THE PRINCESS IS
IN MY HOUSE! HELP!
YOU'RE UNDER ARREST
BY ORDER OF HER HIGHNESS
THE QUEEN CARLOTTA.
OK.
AAH!
[GUNSHOT]
OUT! AAH!
WHAT'S GOIN' ON
IN HERE?
[SHOUTING]
[SHOUTING]
WHAT'S HAPPENING
IN HERE?
[YELLING]
[YELLING]
[GOON SCREAMS]
[GRIZELDA SCREAMS]
AAH!
AAH!
[GOON GROANING,
PRINCESS CRYING]
[GOON GROANING,
PRINCESS CRYING]
[PRINCESS SOBBING]
HERBERT!
COME ON,
YOU LITTLE BITCH.
GET OUT OF THERE.
GET UP.
YOUR MOTHER'S
WAITIN' TO SEE YOU.
HERBERT!
COME ON!
COME ON!
THOSE SNOTTY BITCHES
GOT A LOT OF NERVE
WRECKIN'
OUR GUEST HOUSE.
I KNEW I
SHOULD'VE GOTTEN
A SECURITY DEPOSIT
FROM THOSE ASSHOLES.
YEAH. YOU LET RIFFRAFF IN,
AND THEY BRING THE NEIGHBORHOOD
DOWN EVERY TIME.
LOOK, BABY, I GOT TO GET
MY ASS INTO BALTIMORE
TO CLAIM OUR MONEY
AND DO SOME SHOPPIN'.
WILL YOU BE ALL RIGHT
WHILE I'M GONE?
OH, SURE. I'LL BE FINE,
BUT YOU BE CAREFUL.
ALL RIGHT, THEN.
LOCK THOSE DOORS
AND DON'T FUCK ANY MEN.
AND DON'T FUCK ANY MEN.
OH, GO!
GO TAKE IT OFF!
LET'S SEE SOME ASS!
OH, OH, OH!
STRIP FASTER!
LET'S SEE
SOME PRIVATE AREAS.
YEAH! YEAH!
OH, I SEE LONDON.
OH, I SEE FRANCE.
OH, SPREAD THOSE LEGS,
BABY!
OOH! YES, SIRREE!
A HOLLYWOOD LOVE!
COME ON. THAT LOVE MUSCLE,
I WANT TO SEE IT.
[MOANING]
COME ON OVER HERE
WITH THAT THING.
COME ON OVER HERE
WITH THAT THING.
YOU'RE
A WICKED LITTLE BOY!
GET ME ALL HEATED UP,
AREN'T YOU?
I'M GONNA HAVE
TO GIVE YOU A SPANKIN'.
I'VE BEEN A BAD LITTLE BOY,
HAVEN'T I, YOUR HIGHNESS?
YOU CERTAINLY HAVE,
GROGAN.
NOW, GET UP HERE
WITH THAT BEHIND.
COME ON, OVER MY KNEE,
YOU LITTLE BASTARD!
COME ON, OVER MY KNEE,
YOU LITTLE BASTARD!
THIS'LL TEACH YOU
TO AROUSE ROYALTY!
OHH! AHH!
HARDER! HARDER!
OH! OHH!
UHH! UHH! UHH!
OH! OHH! OH!
MAY I GET UP, YOUR MAJESTY?
YES, GET UP, STUPID.
I HOPE YOU DIDN'T LEAVE
NO PECKER TRACKS ON MY GOWN.
MAY I GET DRESSED,
YOUR MAJESTY?
YES, PLEASE DO.
YOUR BODY HAS
A CERTAIN ODOR ABOUT IT
THAT ALWAYS ANNOYS ME!
AN ODOR,
YOUR MAJESTY?
YES, A WRETCHED STENCH.
I WASH DAILY,
YOUR MAJESTY.
WELL, WASH HARDER
IN THE FUTURE.
THERE IS
A NOTICEABLEODOR ZONE
SOMEWHERE ON YOUR BODY,
AND I'D APPRECIATE IT
IF YOU COULD LOCATE IT
AND DEODORIZE IT.
I'LL TRY AND CORRECT IT,
YOUR MAJESTY.
OH, WE CAN'T
ALL BE PERFECT,
LIEUTENANT GROGAN.
COME ON OVER HERE
AND SIT BESIDES MY FEET.
I HONOR YOU,
QUEEN CARLOTTA.
I HONOR YOU,
QUEEN CARLOTTA.
Queen: YOU HONOR ME,
BUT CERTAIN COMMONERS
IN THIS TOWN
OBVIOUSLY DON'T.
SOMEONE THREW A MUDBALL
AT ME TODAY.
IF ONLY I HAD A LITTLE
PINK BUTTON TO PUSH
THAT COULD WIPE OUT
THIS TOWN.
TELL ME,
IS IT POSSIBLE
TO GET ME
A HYDROGEN BOMB?
I DOUBT IT,
YOUR MAJESTY.
HOW ABOUT GERM WARFARE?
DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT THAT?
YOU MEAN POISONING
THE POPULATION?
YES, THAT SOUNDS LIKE
A FUN PROJECT.
HOW ABOUT RABIES?
COULD WE SPREAD THAT
DISEASE INEXPENSIVELY?
I THINK SO, YOUR MAJESTY.
ALL WE NEED
IS SOME RABID BAT PUS
TO MAKE A SERUM.
FINE! LET'S TRY IT.
RABID BAT PUS,
AND LET'S PUT IN
A LITTLE RAT PISS
FOR GOOD LUCK.
YOU'RE A GENIUS,
YOUR MAJESTY.
I KNOW. I KNOW.
[CREAKING]
YOU LET ME
OUT OF HERE, MOMMY!
YOU MURDERESS!
YOU RAT!
STINKING FASCIST SLUG!
STINKING FASCIST SLUG!
SWINE.
SWINE.
WHAT DO I TELL YOU?
OH! OH! W-WHAT--
YOUR MAJESTY, HERBERT
THE GARBAGE MAN IS DEAD,
AND THANKS TO THIS
NOBLE PEASANT WOMAN,
WE HAVE CAPTURED COO-COO
AND RETURNED HER
TO THE CASTLE.
RELEASE THE PRISONERS!
OH, THANK YOU,
YOUR WONDERFUL MAJESTY!
YOU BILIOUS
BALL OF BLUBBER!
YOU ROTTEN, STINKING--
COME ON, GET BACK HERE!
Queen: THAT'S
THE LAST STRAW, COO-COO!
I HEREBY PROCLAIM--
[TRUMPET BLARING]
OH, SHUT UP.
I HEREBY PROCLAIM
THAT YOU ARE NO LONGER
THE PRINCESS OF MORTVILLE.
YOU'LL BE GANG-RAPED
BY MY SOLDIERS,
INJECTED WITH RABIES,
AND EXILED TO
THE STREETS OF MORTVILLE
WHERE YOU BELONG!
I CONSIDER THAT
AN HONOR,
YOUR ROYAL HOGNESS,
TO ONCE AND FOR ALL
BE FREED
FROM THIS MOCKERY
OF A MONARCHY.
I WILL NEVER LIVE DOWN
THE SHAME
OF MY INHERITED NAME,
BUT I WILL DO MY BEST
TO SEE THAT YOU TOPPLE
FROM THE THRONE.
[SPITS]
SEIZE HER AND FUCK HER!
YEAH!
YEAH!
YEAH!
YEAH!
Coo-Coo: AAH!
[CHEERING AND YELLING]
[CHEERING AND YELLING]
THAT WAS A COURAGEOUS
DECISION, YOUR MAJESTY.
YOU MAY STAND,
MRS. GRAVEL.
YOU MAY STAND,
MRS. GRAVEL.
I APPRECIATE YOUR HELP
IN CAPTURING
MY DAUGHTER.
LOYALTY TO THE QUEEN
SOMETIMES RESULTS
IN REWARDS.
LET ME BE THE NEW PRINCESS,
YOUR MAJESTY.
I HAVE SEEN
THE HUMAN TRASH OF MORTVILLE,
AND I SHARE YOUR CONTEMPT
FOR THIS TOWN.
MY SUBJECTS ARE BENEATH
CONTEMPT, MRS. GRAVEL.
DEALING WITH THE POOR PEOPLE
IS A WASTE OF TIME.
ONLY THE RICH SHOULD BE
ALLOWED TO LIVE!
I LIKE YOUR POLITICS,
MRS. GRAVEL.
AND TO TELL THE TRUTH,
I NEED A WOMAN LIKE YOURSELF
TO FOLLOW IN MY FOOTSTEPS.
IF YOU LOOKED ALL OVER
THIS LAND, YOUR MAJESTY,
I DOUBT YOU'D FIND
A WOMAN AS VICIOUS AS I.
WE'LL GIVE YOU A TRIAL RUN.
YOUR FIRST DUTY WILL BE
TO HELP MY SOLDIERS
SPREAD RABIES
TO EVERYONE IN TOWN.
DO YOU THINK
YOU CAN HANDLE THAT?
OH, YES, YOUR MAJESTY.
AND I KNOW JUST THE PERSON
I WANT TO GIVE IT TO FIRST.
I WANT TO GIVE IT TO FIRST.
P.A.: DR. ROBBIE SINGER,
DR. ROBBIE SINGER.
DR. KATE PURCELL,
DR. PURCELL.
DR. DENNIS SHERMETTA,
DR. SHERMETTA.
[DOOR CLOSES]
[DOOR CLOSES]
[WHISTLING]
[WHISTLING]
MAY I HELP YOU?
YEAH, I WANT
A SEX CHANGE.
UH, STEP OVER HERE,
PLEASE.
HEY, LOOK,
I'M IN A RUSH,
SO I'D APPRECIATE IT
IF YOU TOOK ME
BEFORE THESE
OTHER TURKEYS.
DO YOU HAVE
AN APPOINTMENT?
[MOCKING] NO, I DON'T.
I'M SORRY, BUT WE
DON'T SEE ANYONE HERE
WITHOUT AN APPOINTMENT.
WELL, YOU DO NOW,
NURSE NANCY.
COME ON, BITCH!
CUT THESE TITS OFF!
I'M ONLY THE NURSE!
THE DOCTOR IS NOT IN.
LIKE HELL HE ISN'T!
UNHH!
UNHH!
[NURSE WHIMPERING]
SORRY, DR. FREEDMAN.
COME ON, QUACK.
I WANT THE SEX CHANGE,
AND I WANT IT NOW.
WHY, MADAM,
THE SEX CHANGE
IS A LONG,
COMPLICATED PROCESS.
WE--WE JUST CAN'T--
JUST GIVE ME
THE BASICS,
OR I'LL CUT
HER HEAD OFF.
LOOK, WHY DON'T YOU
JUST FILL OUT
THE NECESSARY FORMS,
AND WE'LL SEE IF--
CUT THE SERMON
AND GIVE ME MY WANG!
I WANT A WANG,
AND I WANT IT NOW!
I CAN ONLY DO SO MUCH
UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES.
IF YOU DON'T
GIVE ME A SEX CHANGE,
I'LL CUT OFFYOURPETER
AND SEW IT ON ME MYSELF!
I'LL CUT OFFYOURPETER
AND SEW IT ON ME MYSELF!
UH...
UH...
I'LL SEE WHAT
I CAN DO, MADAM.
OHH!
OHH!
HI, BIG BOYS.
I'LL BET
YOU DIDN'T KNOW
THAT MOMMY WON
THE MARYLAND LOTTERY.
YES!
I'M GONNA BE BUYING YOU
LOTS OF NEW PUSH-UP BRAS,
SO GET READY
FOR YOUR NEW HOME.
THINGS ARE GONNA BE
LOOKING UP FOR YOU TWO.
MWAH, MWAH.
MWAH, MWAH.
WELL, HOWDY, MISS MUFFY!
OH, MOLE, YOU MADE IT!
I MISSED YOU.
I WAS WORRIED ABOUT YOU.
YOU GOT THE MONEY?
I SURE DO, HONEY.
LOOK AT THOSE GREENBACKS.
OH, THANK GOD, MOLE!
MONEY AT LAST!
GOOD OLD GERM-CARRYING
AMERICAN CURRENCY.
OH! YAY! [GIGGLES]
WHAT YOU GOT
IN THE SHOPPING BAG?
PRESENTS, MUFFY.
PRESENTS FIT FOR A QUEEN.
CAN I OPEN THEM?
YOU SURE CAN,
YOU BIG HUNK OF BEAUTY.
YOU SURE CAN,
YOU BIG HUNK OF BEAUTY.
COME ON,
HURRY UP, HONEY.
AH! OH!
AH! OH!
OH! OH!
OH, A NEW BRA!
A NEW BRA.
OH, IT'S BEAUTIFUL!
TRY IT ON, HONEY.
LET ME HELP YOU.
QUICK, GET
THEM BOYS IN THERE.
WELL, JUST A MINUTE.
OH, OH, HOOK IT.
HOOK IT FOR ME, MOLE.
GOT 'EM IN THERE?
YEAH. YEAH, HOOK IT.
OOH, YUM YUM.
OH, THAT SUPPORT
FEELS HEAVENLY.
HOLD STILL, NOW.
HOOK IT. HOOK IT.
HOLD STILL.
OH, TIE A KNOT.
ANYTHING.
OHH!
OH, MY GOD!
WHAT ELSE
YOU GOT FOR ME?
WHAT ELSE?
AHH.
JUST A SECOND.
OH, A--
OH, A MINK COAT!
A MINK COAT! OH!
WHAT ELSE?
WHAT ELSE YOU GOT?
TRY THIS ONE, GORGEY!
OHH! OH, WHAT IS IT?
YOU'LL LOVE IT.
OH, I FEEL JUST LIKE
A LITTLE GIRL
ON CHRISTMAS MORNING.
A GOWN!
YES, IT IS.
A GOWN.
IT'S STUNNING.
OH, IT MAKES ME GLAD
I WAS BORN A WOMAN.
OHH! OH, YOU'LL HAVE
TO HELP ME WITH THIS.
OH, I'M TOO NERVOUS.
OH, JUST A MINUTE.
THERE IT GOES.
TAKE THEM GODDAMN PANTIES
OFF FOR A CHANGE.
[PANTING] OH! OH,
I'M BEGINNING TO FEEL
LIKE A QUEEN ALREADY.
Mole: YOU WILL BE
QUEEN, MUFFY!
I PROMISE YOU.
LOOK AT THESE HUGGERS.
OH, FIREARMS!
GOODY, GOODY
GUMDROPS!
THIS ONE'S MINE,
AND THIS LITTLE .
IS ALL FOR YOU.
OH! YOU'RE SO GOOD
TO ME, MOLE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT
I'D DO WITHOUT YOU.
I GOT ANOTHER SURPRISE
FOR YOU, MUFFY.
A REAL BIG SURPRISE.
SOMETHING YOU
NEVER EVEN ASKED FOR.
[GASPS] A CHIHUAHUA?
NO. YOU'LL SEE.
CLOSE YOUR EYES.
NO PEEKING, NOW.
NO PEEKING, NOW.
YOU WON'T
BELIEVE THIS, MUFFY.
I CAN'T WAIT.
[EXHALES]
WELL, HURRY.
THE SUSPENSE
IS KILLING ME.
OH, YEAH!
YOU CAN OPEN 'EM NOW.
YOU CAN OPEN 'EM NOW.
[MUFFY SCREAMING]
AAAH!
AAAH!
AAAH! AAH!
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
TO YOURSELF, MOLE?
WELL, I GOT THE SEX CHANGE
JUST FOR YOU, MUFFY!
AAAH! OHH!
OH, GET AWAY FROM ME
WITH THAT DEFORMED WORM!
YOU'RE SICK, MOLE!
YOU'RE
A WEIRDO PERVERT!
OH, JUST LET ME
TRY IT ONCE.
I GOTTA SEE IF IT WORKS.
IT'S A BRAND-NEW MODEL.
I GOT IT AT
HOPKINS HOSPITAL, MUFFY.
AAH! CUT IF OFF, MOLE!
RID YOUR BODY OF THAT
DISGUSTING TRANSPLANT!
OH, IT NEVER
GOES SOFT, MUFFY.
Muffy: AAAH!
AAAH!
[GRUNTING]
[RETCHING]
EHHH!
BLEHH!
OH! OH,
CUT IT OFF, MOLE!
[RETCHING]
[MUFFY CRYING]
ALL RIGHT, THEN.
IF THAT'S WHAT
YOU REALLY WANT.
CUT IT OFF!
CUT IT OFF!
[MOANS] ALL RIGHT.
[MOANS] ALL RIGHT.
SO MUCH FOR SCIENCE,
MUFFY!
[SCREAMING]
[SCREAMING]
AAAAH!
[MOLE GROANING
AND WHIMPERING]
[MOLE GROANING
AND WHIMPERING]
Peggy: AHH.
A LOVELY POTION.
HA HA HA.
AH, YES.
BUT IT NEEDS SOMETHING.
BUT IT NEEDS SOMETHING.
A LOVELY BAT.
A LOVELY BAT.
AND A TOUCH OF RAT.
AND A TOUCH OF RAT.
[TRICKLING]
AH, A LITTLE RAT URINE.
AH, A LITTLE RAT URINE.
JUST WHAT
THE DOCTOR ORDERED.
JUST WHAT
THE DOCTOR ORDERED.
THAT OUGHT TO GIVE IT
A LITTLE KICK.
THAT OUGHT TO GIVE IT
A LITTLE KICK.
GOONS, BRING IN
PRINCESS COO-COO
AND TELL HER
HER MEDICINE'S READY.
GET OFF ME WITH THOSE
SEMEN-STAINED HANDS,
YOU BIG APE!
I CAN WALK BY MYSELF.
WELL, IF IT ISN'T
COMMONER COO-COO,
THE GRAVE ROBBER.
ALL READY FOR
YOUR LITTLE INJECTION?
YOU ASS-KISSING
LITTLE SNITCH.
ONE DAY I'LL GET
MY HANDS ON YOU.
I DOUBT YOU'LL
HAVE THE TIME,
FOR YOU ARE NOW
THE PROUD OWNER
OF RABIES!
AAAH!
AAAH!
Goon: COME ON,
YOU LITTLE BITCH.
GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE.
ON THE STREETS,
SCUMBAG!
DON'T BITE ANYBODY,
DOG FACE!
[GOONS LAUGHING]
[GOONS LAUGHING]
OW, MUFFY!
OH!
[WHIMPERS]
AAH!
GOD.
OH.
AAH!
BE BRAVE, SUGAR.
BE BRAVE.
I'LL FIX YOU ALL UP.
I'LL FIX YOU ALL UP.
I THOUGHT
YOU'D LIKE IT, MUFFY.
I THOUGHT
YOU WANTED A MAN.
I JUST SAID THAT
TO MAKE YOU JEALOUS.
I LIKE YOUR ORGANS
JUST THE WAY THEY WERE.
[WHIMPERS]
NOW--NOW I WON'T
HAVE ANY ORGANS.
IT'LL BE LIKE HAVING
A BARBIE-DOLL CROTCH.
OH, WHEN I GET THROUGH
WITH THESE STITCHES,
IT'LL BE CLOSE ENOUGH
IN MY BOOK.
CAREFUL.
THIS IS GONNA HURT.
WILL--WILL
YOU EVER BE ABLE
TO LOVE MY OPERATION?
OH, I'LL LOVE IT, MOLE.
I'LL FEEL IT.
I'LL LOVE IT.
I'LL EAT IT.
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES.
NOW, HOLD IT.
THIS IS GONNA HURT.
AAAH!
[SOBBING]
[SOBBING]
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
WHO THE HELL
IS THAT?
WHO THE HELL
IS THAT?
COME IN.
COME IN.
HI, YOUR MAJESTY.
[GASPS] HOLY SHIT, MOLE.
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
OH, MUFFY JUST
GAVE ME AN ABORTION.
OH, YOU WERE
PREGNANT, MOLE?
WELL, I--I WASN'T
GONNA TELL ANYBODY,
BUT I WAS RAPED
BY THOSE
LOTTERY OFFICIALS
WHEN I PICKED UP
MY MONEY.
[GASPS]
MEN ARE SUCH CUNTS.
OH, MEN, WOMEN,
THEY'RE ALL OK WITH ME
AS LONG
AS THEY'RE NUDE.
ALL THAT SUNSHINE MUST'VE
ROTTED YOUR BRAIN, SHINA.
YEAH, THERE'S NOTHING
MORE DISGUSTING
THAN A NUDE MAN.
HOW MANY TIMES
I GOTTA TELL YOU--
MEN ARE GENETIC REJECTS,
AND ALL THAT GRISTLE
THEY GOT HANGING DOWN
BETWEEN THEIR LEGS
WAS GOD'S
FIRST BIG MISTAKE,
AND US WOMAN HAVE BEEN
PAYING FOR IT EVER SINCE.
WHAT ISSHEDOING
IN MY HOME, ANYWAY?
OH, BE EASY
ON HER, MOLE.
SHE'S BEEN
THROUGH HELL.
WHEN WE FOUND HER,
SHE WAS REGURGITATING
IN THE STREET.
YEAH, HER MOTHER THE HOG
HAD HER GANG-RAPED.
THE POOR THING'S
HAD A TERRIBLE TIME.
YOU KNOW THAT GRAVEL WOMAN
YOU WERE HANGING OUT WITH?
WELL, SHE WORKS
FOR THE QUEEN NOW.
SHE SHOT COO-COO UP
WITH A RABIES POTION.
I'M NOT SURPRISED.
THAT SNOTTY LITTLE
SOCIAL CLIMBER.
I KNEW I SHOULD'VE
FRACTURED HER SKULL.
CAN I GET YOU
ANYTHING, COO-COO?
ARE YOU INFECTIOUS,
HONEY?
I DON'T KNOW.
MY SALIVA TASTES FUNNY,
AND I--I ITCH A LOT.
WELL, UNDER
THE CIRCUMSTANCES,
WE'LL HAVE TO ASK
YOU TO REFRAIN
FROM USING OUR
KITCHEN UTENSILS.
Coo-Coo: I WON'T
BREATHE ON ANYTHING.
I PROMISE.
BUT PLEASE HELP ME
KILL MY MOTHER!
HOW'S PROJECT RABIES
COMING ALONG, PEGGY?
OH, I FEEL
JUST LIKE JONAS SALK.
TOMORROW IS THE FIRST DAY
OF MASS IMMUNIZATION,
OR AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT
THE MORONS
OF MORTVILLE THINK.
OH, WON'T IT BE FUNNY
WHEN THEY START
COLLAPSING
ON THE STREET?
IT'LL BE LIKE WALKING
THROUGH A HUMAN SEWER.
OH, I HOPE I GET A CHANCE
TO KICK EVERY ONE OF 'EM
RIGHT IN THE HEAD
JUST AS THEY GASP
FOR THEIR LAST BREATH.
IT'LL BE BEAUTIFUL.
A SYMPHONY
OF DEATH RATTLES.
HISTORY WILL NOT FORGET
THIS HOLIDAY OF DEATH.
HISTORY WILL NOT FORGET
THIS HOLIDAY OF DEATH.
[MOLE WHISPERING]
Come on, girls.
Now, be quiet.
Muffy?
Come on.
Come on.
Muffy: HEY,
OFFICER CUTIE PIE?
THERE'S SOMEONE
DOWN HERE TO SEE YOU.
WHAT DO YOU WANT, SLUT?
OH, I'M JUST LOOKING
FOR A LITTLE FUN.
CAN I COME UP AND SEE
THE INSIDE
OF YOUR BEDROOM?
THE INSIDE
OF YOUR BEDROOM?
MMM. I'VE HAD
A HARD-ON FOR THIS BITCH
FOR A LONG TIME.
YOU KNOW YOU HORNY PIGS
AREN'T SUPPOSED TO COME
CRUISING ROUND THE CASTLE.
OH, BUT, OFFICER,
YOU'RE SO CUTE
I JUST COULDN'T
RESIST.
OH, YOU'RE A SHAPELY
LITTLE MAMA, AREN'T YA?
HA HA HA HA HA!
AH, HA HA HA HA.
AAAH!
AAAH!
HA HA HA!
ONE DOWN, GIRLS!
YEAH!
SCORE, MUFFY!
[WHISPERING]
Oh, shh, be quiet.
Quietly, now.
Quietly, now.
[CHATTERING AND YELLING]
WHOO!
[GOON CHATTER CONTINUES]
[GOON CHATTER CONTINUES]
[WHISPERING]
Shut up!
SHH.
SHH.
EAT LEAD,
MOTHERFUCKERS!
EAT LEAD,
MOTHERFUCKERS!
OH! OHH!
OH! OHH!
[WOMEN CHEER]
Mole: HAVE WE
GOT 'EM, GIRLS?
WHAT WAS THAT,
YOUR MAJESTY?
IT'S PROBABLY
THE DUMB SOLDIERS
PLAYING
RUSSIAN ROULETTE.
I'LL GO CHECK IT OUT,
YOUR HIGHNESS.
I'LL GO CHECK IT OUT,
YOUR HIGHNESS.
Lieutenant: WHO IS IT?
WHO'S OUT HERE?
[GUNSHOT]
AAH!
AAH!
HOLD IT RIGHT THERE,
YOU ROYAL ASSHOLE!
GET OUT OF MY
CHAMBERS, LESBIANS!
HEY, YOU ARE THROUGH
GIVING ORDERS, MEATBALL!
YOU'VE HUMILIATED US
FOR THE LAST TIME,
WARTHOG!
[QUEEN GROANS]
LET ME BITE HER.
LET ME SINK MY FANGS
INTO HER FAT LITTLE LEGS.
GO RIGHT AHEAD,
HONEY.
GIVE HER
THE CHOMP OF LIFE.
Queen:
GET AWAY, CHILD.
LISTEN TO ME.
I'M YOUR MOTHER.
I'M WARNING YOU!
AAAAH!
AAAAAH!
OH, THANK HEAVENS.
YOU'VE RESCUED ME.
I THOUGHT I'D NEVER
GET OUT OF HERE ALIVE.
Mole: HA!
OH, COME OFF IT,
PRETTY LITTLE PEGGY.
I HOPE YOU'RE READY
FOR YOUR LITTLE
DEBUTANTE PARTY IN HELL,
'CAUSE THAT'S
WHERE YOU'RE GOING!
YOU WOULDN'T
KILL A SISTER!
HA!
HA HA HA!
OH, YES, WE WOULD!
HOW ABOUT IT, GIRLS?
OH, YEAH.
YEAH.
SHOULD WE GIVE
OUR "SISTER"
A LITTLE RECTAL REMINDER
THAT WE DON'T LIKE
SOCIAL CLIMBERS
IN MORTVILLE?
I'M GONNA BLOW
YOUR BELLS OUT! HA HA.
GO AHEAD!
A SINGLE GUNSHOT
CAN NEVER DESTROY
THE BEAUTY
OF FASCISM.
YOU'RE SO LOW,
YOU MAKE WHITE TRASH
LOOK POSITIVELY
TOP DRAWER.
OH, BLOW IT OUT
YOUR ASS!
OH, BLOW IT OUT
YOUR ASS!
[CHEERING]
[CHEERING]
YOU FILTHY MUFF DIVERS
WILL PAY FOR THIS!
SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!
NO DYKE
GIVES ME ORDERS.
OH, YEAH, QUEENIE?
WELL, HOW DOES THIS
GRAB YOU?
ROYAL PROCLAMATION
NUMBER ONE--
KISS MY ASS!
WOO, YEAH!
GET UP!
YOU HEARD
THE NEW QUEEN.
KISS IT!
KISS IT!
KISS IT!
KISS IT!
KISS IT!
KISS IT!
KISS IT!
KISS IT!
AHH!
AH, HA!
HA HA!
THAT'S MORE
LIKE IT, PEON!
HOW 'BOUT IT,
GIRLS?
I THINK
THIS TOWN DESERVES
A LITTLE FEAST
TO CELEBRATE
THIS GREAT DAY
OF INDEPENDENCE.
EHH.
WE GOT OURSELVES
THE BIGGEST TURKEY
IN THE WORLD!
SO, WHY NOT EAT HER?
YEAH!
YEAH!
YEAH!
COOK HER
AND EAT HER!
COOK HER!
COOK HER!
ATTENTION ALL
MORTVILLE RESIDENTS!
QUEEN CARLOTTA IS DEAD!
YOUR DAYS OF HUMILIATION
HAVE COME TO AN END.
TO CELEBRATE
THIS JOYOUS OCCASION,
I INVITE YOU TO JOIN ME
IN A VICTORY FEAST.
IN HONOR OF OUR
NEWLY-FOUND INDEPENDENCE.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
LET THE RING
OF FREEDOM BE HEARD
ALL OVER THIS LAND!
MORTVILLE IS AT LAST
A FREE CITY!
[RESIDENTS CHEERING]
[RESIDENTS CHEERING]
[CHEERING]
[CHEERING]
[CHEERING]
[CHEERING]
[CHEERING CONTINUES]
[CHEERING CONTINUES]
[CHEERING]
[CHEERING]
Man: THE QUEEN IS DEAD!
[CHEERING]
[CHEERING]
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