Voila! Finally, the A Dirty Shame
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie directed by John Waters and
starring Tracey Ullman, Johnny Knoxville, Selma Blair, Patricia Hearst, yadda
yadda. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of A Dirty Shame. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
Sylvia...
Sylvia...
Sylvia
Smile for me
Fill my world
with poetry
Forget those
faraway dreams
That haunt you
Sylvia
Young in years
Let the sunshine
Dry your tears
And we
will walk in the wind
And stars
Like April lovers
With hearts aglow...
Come on back
to bed, Sylvia.
Can't you see
I'm cooking scrapple?
It can wait.
Sex is in the air.
Not in here it isn't.
I got work, Vaughn.
Your mother
is up the store.
It's light out, for Christ's sake.
What's gotten into you?
Come on, move!
... Forget those
faraway dreams
That haunt you...
God!
... Let the sunshine
Dry your tears
And we will walk
in the wind...
Damn it!
Jesus Christ.
Oh-hh!
... With hearts aglow
Till love discloses
Where the secret
roses grow...
You seen my keys?
Ow!
I said, have you seen
my keys?
Where did you
leave them?
If I knew where I'd left them, they
wouldn't be lost, would they?
Vaughnhole!
Oh, Jesus Christ Almighty!
It's not my fault.
Somebody left his magazine on the front
porch and it got me all riled up.
Oh, sure,
"somebody left it."
sure, sure...
You said
you didn't want to.
I mean a man has needs, Sylvia.
Marital needs.
My gal is red hot, yeah!
My gal is red hot
Your gal ain't
doodly squat
Well, she ain't got
no money, but man
She's really
got a lot
Well, I got a gal,
six feet four...
Ooh.
... My gal is red hot
Your gal
ain't doodly squat
Yeah, my gal
is red hot
Your gal
ain't doodly squat
Well, she ain't got
no money, but, man...
Isn't it a little early
for that, Caprice?
I'm developing
my act, Mother.
Mutilating your mammaries
and gyrating down at some biker bar
is an act, all right,
an act of defiance.
I was a legend down at the Holiday
House, in case you didn't know it.
Morning, honey.
Daddy, let me go down to the bar
and perform.
You're in home detention,
cupcake.
The "government" wants you to stay
indoors for a while, huh?
You're just too pretty
to go out.
We let you keep your tawdry theatrical
mementoes. Isn't that enough?
You were convicted
of indecent exposure for the third time.
I was promoting
the art of dance.
With nude loitering?!
Nude and disorderly conduct?
Nude drunken driving?
I was not drunk.
I was on pills.
Something is the matter
with you, Caprice.
You are such a Neuter,
Mother.
And Neuters will never
understand.
Something is the matter
with your vagina.
Hu.
Morning,
Mrs. Stickles.
Oh, you brat!
I'm gonna report you.
Morning.
Formstone's looking good.
Ah, it's the real McCoy
all right, vintage.
- Paid through the nose for it.
- Oh.
One thing we've learned... proper
restoration never comes cheaply.
I need to go down to
the bar... just for an hour!
Come on, Dad, don't lock it.
Daddy, let me go!
My public needs me!
- Ooh!
- Mrs. Stickles,
my name is Fat Fuck Frank.
And I'm your daughter's
number one fan.
She moved to
the Erie Canal area.
Hey, Vaughn.
Hey!
Caprice retired
from show business.
She's no longer
a public figure.
Her name ain't Caprice,
it's "Ursula Udders." And she's famous.
She got the biggest tits
on Harford Road.
Ursula! Ursula Udders!
Texture, that's
what I call it.
It's me,
Fat Fuck Frank.
And I miss
them great big...
Destroy all Neuters!
We sure didn't
have this in D.C.
God, I love Baltimore.
It's a real city of diversity.
Sylvia! Sylvia,
we need gas, honey!
Get gas.
Honey,
still mad?
Remember to fill it up.
I'll walk, don't worry.
Hmm?
Ugh!
Smokey the bear,
Smokey the bear
- Prowling and a-growling...
- Grr!
Hi! Grrr-rr! Woof!
- Grrr!
- Woof! Woof!
That's why they called him Smokey,
that is how he got his name...
- Hi, Vaughn.
- Morning, Betty.
Does the Pinewood
Park-and-Pay sell lotions?
You know...
ointments?
We sure do.
How is that fine wife
of yours doing?
She's up at the store
like always, Wendell.
Don't you
find it funny
that every man
in this neighborhood has a penis?
Well, not really,
Betty.
Sheeze...!
U!
Oh, don't.
Jesus, Mary,
and Joseph!
O!
... Whoa, whoa-whoa
I need your loving...
oh, that's it, babe.
That's it, oh-oh-oh.
Oh, God!
Ooh, that's it, baby.
Oh, talk to the mike,
talk to the mike. Ooh-ooh.
Oh, that's what
I call a hum job. Oh, yeah.
Come on.
Oh, okay.
I'm out of gas.
Move it, Neuter!
- Oh, God!
- How am I supposed to move with no gas?
Get out of the way!
We're in a hurry.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa!
- Filthy little hedges.
- Morning, Marge.
Growin' all dirty,
makes me sick.
Hi, I'm "Mama Bear."
have you met
my hus-bear?
No, I haven't.
I'm "Papa Bear."
And this is our cub,
"Baby Bear."
Grrr!
I'm Vaughn. Welcome
to the Harford Road area.
When we take over,
it's gonna be a...
"Bearquake!"
... Happy, happy, happy
With a big bear hug.
- Come on.
- Move that piece of shit.
Can you call
Triple-A, please?
Hurry up,
I've got a hot date.
What, at : a.m.?
What's the matter with you?
You'd have a date too
if you wore some make-up.
- Your poor husband.
- Huh?
Ooh-hh!
If you could just
help me, I'd...
Ooh!
It's her!
Let's go sexing.
Sylvia...
O!
Ooh!
Hello, ma'am.
My name is Ray Ray
and I'm here to... service you.
I'm Sylvia,
and I hit my head. Oh.
A concussion
is a terrible thing
to waste.
It's okay.
Ooh!
My pussy's on fire.
I know it is.
It's a burning bush.
Show me a sign, Sylvia.
We knew you'd come.
All I can do
is pass the gift.
Huh?
You're a sex addict now
and you'll never be the same.
Ooh-aah...!
There you go.
All better?
Oh, thank you so much.
I don't know
what came over me.
Well, you recognized the concussion
and there's no going back now.
I'm gonna give you
my card.
Sex addicts
are everywhere, Sylvia,
and pretty soon,
Harford Road will be ours.
Oh, hey, hold on.
Ray Ray
is a sexual healer.
Come visit us,
Sylvia.
Your people
are waiting.
O.
One day we're going
to discover a brand new sex act,
one that's never
been performed before.
And we hope you'll be
with us on that day of carnal rapture.
Ooo.
A.
Pussy, ooh...
Sore, wet, ooh...
My pussycat was scratching out
on my back door...
... Scratched so long
poor pussy got sore
Sore pussy, ooh...
Sore... pussy... ooh
Just a friendly
little cat
Friendly little cat
My pussycat
was sitting out on the front step
Sat so long poor pussy got wet,
sore pussy.
Hello, Mrs. Stickles.
Oh boy, am I blushing?
Everyone is familiar with
the traditional forms of pornography.
But the Internet
is creating new forms...
- You going to the movies, Dave?
- Huh?
Hell, you're picking
your seat, aren't you?
Dykes!
Used to be Harford Road
was for families.
Now it's
a lesbian aorta.
Mother,
I don't feel well.
Well, no wonder,
they've got blatant homosexuals
shopping right in our store.
They eat life,
you know.
- Jesus!
- Sperm!
Did you see those
new neighbors moving in?
Hmm? Grown men with
hairy legs prancing around half naked...
"We're bears." what the hell is that
supposed to mean?
Free country,
Big Ethel.
Yeah well, we got laws
to protect decency.
And it would
be nice
if somebody enforced them.
.
Well, as my mother
used to say...
"'Each to their own,' said the old lady
as she kissed the cow."
Perverts are taking over
this neighborhood.
Ugh! Mr. Mailman,
as of next week,
we're not carrying
the girlie magazines no more.
That's a shame.
Makes me sick to see government
employees looking at that filth, Marge.
And on taxpayers' time yet.
That's why the mail's late.
Yeah, and the post office has the nerve
to raise the price of a stamp.
While mailmen are
beating off everywhere.
I found a used condom
in my back yard.
You think that's bad?
Somebody wrote
the word "boner"
on our parking lot wall
last night.
We've got to do something,
Marge.
People have got to know
how bad things are getting.
No wonder I've got
to take heart pills.
I read in the paper
the other day
that the average married couple has sex
over times a year.
That's a lie.
People would be raw if that was true.
I'll be at your meeting all right,
with bells on.
You have, uh, AAA batteries?
I certainly do.
You sure these
are the right ones?
You want me
to take them out?
No, no, I guess I'll buy them.
Well, get down there,
mutha, and start scarfing.
What the hell?
I mean, Jesus...
for Christ's sake! I'm moving to Towson.
Harford Road...
where life is cheap.
- Only you can prevent fornication.
- Yeah, yeah.
You see, Marge?
People in the neighborhood have had it.
It wasn't this bad
in the ' s.
You're right.
Someone left a dildo
in my neighbor's wishing well,
right on her
front lawn.
People are just ignorant
everywhere.
Morning, Big Ethel.
Uh, what's good about a morning
with dildos in it?
Amen to that.
My husband's on Viagra.
- Oh, you poor thing!
- Every minute, he wants it.
He has no right
to be that hard.
I'm Viagra-vated
and I'm not gonna take it anymore.
Sylvia!
Feeling better,
huh?
Mail here
for Ursula Udders.
Her name is Caprice
and she's got shingles.
Our daughter doesn't really participate
in the mail these days.
I'll take the fan mail to her, Warren.
Don't you worry.
You should be ashamed of yourself,
Mr. Mailman.
Ashamed of what,
Big Ethel?
- Damn, I could deliver that one.
- Oh, keep it up.
I'm gonna call the Postmaster general...
If he's not whacking off...
and report
your potty mouth.
Sex addicts
are everywhere, Sylvia.
You wanna
have funch?
What's "funch,"
honey?
Fucking
after lunch.
Funch, huh?
Come on.
This must be my lucky day.
- Hmm, spaghetti...
- Yeah, she'll ring it up for you.
Where do you two
think you're going?
It's not safe out.
People are shaving
their crotches as we speak.
There's pubic hair
in the air everywhere.
We're having
a decency rally,
and I think you two
need to be there.
Yeah.
I've got hot nuts
cents a bag...
- What kind of station is that?
- A good one.
... l've got hot nuts...
- Feeling frisky, eh?
- Uh-huh.
Let's open one of Caprice's
fan letters.
That's her
personal mail.
Oh, look...
it's from the mailman. He sent Caprice
a photo of his penis. Ooh!
He what?
Are you kidding me?
Give me the picture.
Give me the picture. Give me the pic...
I'm not kidding around.
This is disgusting.
Well, he's got
a big one.
What kind of talk
is that?
Oh, they're all photos
of the mailman's unit.
I'm calling
the cops.
Yes, sir,
a real arse-opener!
Stop it, Sylvia.
Pink steel!
What's the matter
with you?
Hey, Vaughn,
feel like "yodeling in the canyon"?
We have to visit
my mother, remember?
Oh, come on,
you wanted to earlier.
Well, not that,
I didn't.
Come on, Vaughn,
discover the oyster.
Honey, this is Pinewood Avenue.
We live here.
Can't we wait
till we get back to the house?
Oh, go "way down
South in Dixie."
All right, all right,
just keep a look out.
Okay.
Oh-hh!
No...!
Oh!
Now that's what I call
"sneezing in the cabbage."
O!
Harford Road,
let's all band together.
Horndogs are everywhere.
Pretty soon they'll be living next door.
Decency, that's all
I'm asking for. Decency!
Decency's fine.
But diversity in a neighborhood
is a good thing too.
This isn't diversity,
it's depravity.
On my way over here,
I saw a man
performing oral sex
on a lady
in a car
in broad daylight.
Lesbians have taken over
the softball fields.
So? Lesbians are
good neighbors.
We need to start by teaching tolerance
in our own homes.
Some guy was playing with himself
near me in the movies.
You're saying that's normal?
His crotch was shaved!
These are isolated
incidents.
No, they're not.
Look, I'm not a prude.
I'm married to an Italian.
But I am disgusted.
I live near what they call
"The Bear House."
Last night,
hairy, overweight men
who call themselves bears
were having sex
outside the house.
My children heard them.
"Mommy, what's that noise?"
They actually asked me.
I raced outside
clapping my hands loudly
and I yelled...
"No blow jobs!"
And they just laughed.
Some of them
even growled at me.
Oh, no!
Today, somebody
called me a Neuter.
And you know what?
I didn't mind.
If neuter means "normal,"
I'll say it loud...
I am Marge, the Neuter,
and I'm proud.
That's right!
We're all Neuters!
And we'll never,
never be not normal!
You put your left foot in,
you put your left foot out
You put your left foot in
And you shake it
all about
You do the Hokey-Pokey
and you turn yourself around
- That's what it's all about
- Right arm!
You put your right arm in,
you put your right arm out
You put your right arm in
and then you shake it all about...
Left arm!
You put your left arm in,
you put your left arm out
You put your left arm in
and then you shake it all about
You do the Hokey-Pokey
and you turn yourself around
That's what
it's all about
Right elbow!
You put your right elbow in,
you put your right elbow out
You put your right elbow in
and you shake it all about
You do
the Hokey-Pokey...
Hi!
- That's what it's all about...
- Hey, Mom.
You put your left elbow in,
you put your left elbow out...
- Come on, let's dance.
- And then you shake it all about...
Head!
You put your head in,
you put your head out
You put your head in
and you shake it all about
You do the Hokey-Pokey
and you turn yourself around
That's what
it's all about
Right hip!
You put your right hip in,
you put your right hip out
You put your right hip in
and you shake it all about
You do the Hokey-Pokey
and you turn yourself around
That's what
it's all about
Left hip!
You put your left hip in,
you put your left hip out
You put your left hip in
and you shake it all about...
Whole self!
You put your whole self in,
you put your whole self out
You put your whole self in
and you shake it all about
You do the Hokey-Pokey
and you turn yourself around
That's what it's
all about
Backside!
You put your backside in,
you put your backside out
You put your backside in
and you shake it all about
You do the Hokey-Pokey
and you turn yourself around...
Ooh!
You do the Hokey-Pokey
You do the Hokey-Pokey...
That's what it's all about.
Sylvia!
Oh!
Oh! Oh!
Taxi! Taxi!
Ray Ray's service center,
Harford Road.
Yes, ma'am.
Uhh.
Hey, lady, you can't
change your clothes in here.
- Why not?
- 'Cause I said so.
Want some fun?
What are you doing?
- Can I get up front?
- No, you can't.
- You can leave the meter running.
- Stay in the back.
- Oh, come on, I want some action.
- Get off me, lady.
Hey... you can't do
that stuff in here.
- Get out!
- This cab free?
Sure is, tiger.
Hey, hey, hey!
Jeez!
Go! What the hell
was that?
Oh.
- Mommy told me something...
- Traitor!
That's right,
spread the word.
You bet, Big Ethel.
Here, put the pink ones
on the cars.
Put the yellows
on the houses.
Put that
on the windshield.
And don't stop till you get to the end
of the block.
He will never
ever leave you if your heart...
- Who is it?
- It's Big Ethel.
We're having
a decency rally...
You better start
in your own backyard then.
I heard your daughter Sylvia
picked up a bottle
with her cooter
in the old folks' home.
She what?
That's not true.
My daughter is a good girl.
She hates sex.
What is she talking about,
that bitch?
Hello?
Ray Ray?
It's me, Sylvia.
And I need full service.
I knew you'd find us,
Sylvia.
Don't be afraid. We've all had
accidental concussions just like you.
- You have?
- Yeah.
Mine was from the faulty hood
of a customer's car
that collapsed on my head
while I was changing the oil.
And now I guide other
head-injury sufferers
to the final dawn
of sexual awakening.
- You've been sent to help us.
- I have?
We're all sex addicts
and we have been waiting for you.
- But why?
- Because you can lead us
to an erotic orgasm
we've never experienced.
I can't.
I promise you I can't.
I'm Loose Linda.
I fucked the entire
Harford Road Police Department.
It's nice to meet you,
Loose Linda.
Until you've hit your head,
you can never really feel
the power you get from sex.
My name is Paw Paw.
I'm on "bush patrol."
I hope we can
have sex one day.
I'd like that, Sylvia.
I knew you'd come.
You're number .
- Number what?
- All in good time.
Dave, is that you?
We call him Dingy Dave
and he's number three.
Don't worry, Mrs. Stickles,
you'll understand soon.
Dingy Dave is lucky.
He's into mysophilia.
It's a sexual attraction to dirt.
He thought it was new.
But it wasn't.
Dirt worship's been around long
before my accident.
I just didn't know.
Ray Ray
has helped me understand
my hypersexuality.
And he cured me
of my herpes.
Like a miracle.
Oh, no, no, no,
no, no.
We don't say the "m" word
around here.
- Oh.
- Mrs. Stickles?
May I, uh, be
your vacuum cleaner?
Well, I'm new to this,
but I'll try.
Oh!
Oh!
It's like Noah's ark
around here.
There is one
of every perversion.
But, alas, it's all
been done.
Brace yourself, Sylvia.
Got company!
Officer Alvin!
I'm an adult baby, Sylvia.
You want to be my mommy?
Adult babies are into
age regression.
They intensely eroticize
being infants.
And sometimes they like
to be burped.
I'm a big boy and
I'm beyond the law.
Bouncy, bouncy,
bouncy...
As you grow to embrace
your concussion,
you'll learn to accept
anything sexual
as long as it's safe,
consensual and doesn't harm others.
You wanna powder
my chafed butt?
Uh, I would,
but I'm supposed
to help Ray Ray think up a new sex act.
Maybe later.
Da-da...
Number five,
six and seven.
You may know us
as neighbors, Sylvia,
but in this world,
we're into human sandwiches.
One day, we hope
you'll be our "lettuce."
- You know about my Priority Penis.
- Oof! Ow!
I never thought
it would be you.
Come on and meet
the "Three Bears."
We're husky, we're hairy,
we're homosexual
and out of
the second closet.
And we can cuddle
all night.
Yeah, hunting for some grizz-sm...
Ever hear
of sploshing?
I only had my concussion
this morning.
It's okay.
It's an English fetish.
Sploshing is
the erotic urge
to dump food
in your private area.
Oh-ooh!
I'm Messy Melinda
and our bushes
will burn together.
And of course you know
of Fat Fuck Frank.
Mrs. Stickles, go home
and free your daughter.
She's one of us
and needs to be here now.
I'm number .
Number ?
Oh, my God!
I'm the th apostle?
- Yes, shh.
- Say it proud.
If you say it out loud,
you might disappear.
No, no, no, I'm just
Sylvia Stickles.
I'm a horny woman
with a head injury. I can...
I know you are and we're
gonna do something about that.
Ray Ray
is a sex saint,
- and he's got powers.
- Amen to that.
I've got a hard-on
of gold,
and my tongue
is on fire.
Oh, and I've got
hot pants, Ray Ray.
We're all in heat.
And as you know, Sylvia
is a cunnilingus bottom.
Yes, she is.
Who wants
to eat her out?
Let's go sexing!
Yeah!
Jesus Christ,
how many houses do I gotta go to?
Who is it?
It's Big Ethel
from up the Park-and-Pay.
We're having
a decency rally tomorrow.
We want all Neuters
to be there.
What's a Neuter?
It's a normal person who
is fed up with perversion.
Sign me up then.
Tonight a woman in my cab
tried to grab my nutsack.
Oh, it's a sick world!
I don't know how it started
I don't know what I did
I don't know how it started
i don't know what I did
But there's a gal who's chasing me
who really flipped her lid
- Hey!
- I call her my eager beaver baby
Ooh, eager beaver
baby...
- Was that Sylvia Stickles?
- I think it was.
What happened
to her?
I don't know, but
it's a dirty shame.
... Well what am I
gonna do
With that eager beaver
baby of mine?
Hello, Vaughn.
Hello, Betty.
Have you seen my wife?
Come on in.
No, I can't.
Sylvia seems to be missing.
I was with her
earlier, but...
Maybe she's
getting lucky.
Harford Road
is wild these days.
Hey, hey, come on,
open.
I seen you,
Sylvia Stickles,
showing your pubic patch
to the bus driver.
You should move downtown
where you belong, you whore.
End of the line.
Okay, buster,
turn off the motor.
- Who, me?
- Yeah, you!
Yes, Ma'am!
Don't touch that spot
that itchy-twitchy spot
That spot that's swelling up
and turning red...
- Grrr...
- What are you doing in there?
Vaughn, where is
my daughter?
I don't know, Big Ethel.
I can't find her.
Oh, don't go in there.
Bears live here.
Big fat hairy fags
with dicks.
Hi, I'm Cow Patty.
I'm Vaughn.
I live up the street
and I'm looking
for my wife Sylvia.
I'm the only "Goldilocks" allowed
in this bear cave.
I'm a bear hag.
And we call this...
Bear soup!
Wow, a tranny bear.
Come on in.
Police!
My gal is red hot
Your gal
ain't doodly squat
Yeah,
my gal is red hot
- Your gal ain't doodly squat...
- Go, baby, go!
Shake that thing!
... she's really
got a lot...
Mother!
What's the matter?
... Six feet four...
Nothing, honey.
I just wanted to have
a little
mother-daughter chat.
I'm so sorry
I spoke so harshly
about your vagina
this morning.
It's all right.
Where did you get that outfit, Mother?
Oh, you like it?
It's my new apostle look.
Oh, you've got fan mail.
The mailman's
got a big johnson, doesn't he?
Mother!
Well, your father's
got a big one too.
Oh, you are
freaking me out.
I was with Fat Fuck Frank
this afternoon.
He seems to really
like your tits.
Is he hung?
He's about
average.
Tell me, Ursula...
'cause that's the name
you like to use, isn't it?
Yes it is, Mother.
I know that Fat Fuck Frank
is a tit man,
but does he ever...
well, you know...
"whistle
in the dark"?
Yes, he does.
Thank you for asking.
Oh, my God!
You have met Ray Ray.
Oh, Mother!
Goo-goo, da-da
Goo-goo, da-da
Officer, it's not like my wife
to just walk away.
She was probably
kidnapped by sex fiends.
We've got orgies going on,
perverts walking around.
- Do something.
- I am doing something.
Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy
Hmm, bouncy...
Goo-goo,
Goo-goo, ma-ma!
- This isn't California.
- It's Harford Road.
Baby just shaved his balls.
You wanna see 'em?
Oh!
I'm a sex addict,
an exhibitionist,
and I'm
your daughter.
Oh, oh, Ursula...
ever since
my concussion,
I've learned so much
about eros.
I'm a sex addict too.
I'm a cunnilingus
bottom,
and I'm
your mother.
I tried to tell you about my maypole
accident when I was .
But you never listened.
Oh, I'm so sorry. I'll make it up
to you, Ursula, I promise.
Let's go down
to the Holiday House
and fuck the whole bar.
Okay, Mom.
Let's go sexing!
Ooh-ooh!
- Come on!
- I am coming as fast as I can.
Well, I was drivin'
down l- the other night
Somebody nearly cut me
right off the road
I decided it wasn't
gonna do any good to get mad
So I wrote a song
about him instead
It goes like this...
Were you born
an asshole?
Or did you work at it
your whole life?
Either way
it's worked out fine
'Cause you're
an asshole tonight...
Ha! Ha! Ha!
Ursula! Ursula! Ursula!
Ursula!
Ursula! Ursula!
Ursula! Ursula! Ursula!
My gal is red hot
Your gal
ain't doodly squat
Yeah, my gal is red hot
Your gal
ain't doodly squat
Well, she ain't got
no money
But man, she's really
got a lot
Well, I got a gal,
six feet four
Sleeps in the kitchen
with her feet out the door
My gal is red hot
Your gal
ain't doodly squat
Yeah, my gal
is red hot
Your gal
ain't doodly squat
Well, she ain't got
no money
But man, she's
really got a lot...
Wait up, Vaughn.
Come on, Big Ethel.
Oh, my God.
- Vaughn, I need my pills.
- I know.
... Well, she walks
all night, talks all day...
That's my daughter.
That's my daughter!
That's my
daughter!
... Yeah, my gal
is red hot...
Caprice!
Capri...
Hi. Hey, come on.
Come on.
Ooh-hh!
Well, she's the kinda
woman who's a lounge-around
Spendin' my business
all over town
But my gal is red hot
Your gal
ain't doodly squat...
Aah! Let me go!
Oh, Big Ethel!
Get off my ass!
Ooh.
Sylvia!
Shoot!
Sylvia...
Sylvia...
Z-Y-X
And W-V-U
T-S-R-Q
P-O-N-M-L-K
J-l-H
G-F-E-D-C-B-A
We say
the backward alphabet
It's complex
And trouble
to learn too
But you can do it
if you put your mind to it
That's the way...
Now everybody say it
You can do
the backwards alphabet
Z-Y-X...
You can learn
the backwards alphabet
S-R-Q-P...
You can learn
the backwards alphabet...
- Sylvia?
- Hmm?
You have what is known
as a "runaway vagina."
- I do?
- You had a concussion, honey.
Sometimes a booboo
on the head
can trigger inappropriate
sexual outbursts.
- You're a sex addict, Sylvia.
- And you've hit bottom.
Don't listen
to them, Mother.
Sexual addiction is a privilege.
You know that.
Do you know how embarrassing
this is for me?
One nymphomaniac
in the family's bad enough, but two?!
It's a disease,
Big Ethel.
Being a whore
is a disease?
Caprice, because of your
criminally enlarged breasts...
You're a freak.
The bloodstream to your brain
has been blocked,
causing
permanent depression.
I'm not depressed.
Daddy!
- You should be depressed.
- No, I don't want Prozac!
- No...
- These will make you feel normal.
I don't want to feel normal!
Mother, help me.
Caprice, I apologize
for my shameful behavior.
Don't you recognize
the concussion?
Just swallow.
prozac can lower
the libido
and stymie the sexual fantasies
of many female patients.
And then finally, finally we can
schedule you
for a breast reduction operation.
No! I don't
want to be Neuter.
Maybe she's right.
Sex addicts are everywhere.
And soon they're gonna
discover a new sex act.
I'm supposed
to help them.
It will pass, Sylvia.
No, there's this guy
named Ray Ray
and he is their leader
and he ate me out.
Ugh!
You let strangers put
their germ-filled mouths on your uterus?
Sylvia, Dr. Arlington told me
about these meetings.
Yeah, they're
for people like you.
Honey, the whole family
is gonna go, Sylvia.
But we're not
telling anybody.
Sylvia...
I've got a hard-on
of gold,
and my tongue
is on fire.
Let's go sexing...?
Sylvia, stay
on this side.
You had a concussion,
honey.
Mmph.
No, Caprice, you know
it doesn't work that way.
It has to be
an accident.
Oh, please,
I beg of you.
Help me to keep
my sexual sobriety.
Please.
Ho-ho-ho!
Do you like boobs a lot?
Yes, I like boobs a lot
Boobs a lot, boobs a lot,
you gotta like boobs a lot
Really like boobs a lot,
you gotta like boobs a lot
Boobs a lot, boobs a lot,
you gotta like boobs a lot
Down in the locker room,
just we boys
Beating down the locker room
with all that noise
Singing "Do you like boobs a lot?"
you gotta like boobs a lot...
Boobs a lot, boobs a lot...
you like boobs a lot
Do you wear
your jock a lot?
Oh...!
If I forget
to say my prayers
The devil
jumps with glee
That he feels
so awful-awful
When he sees me
on my knees
So if you're
full of trouble
And you never seem
to win
Just open up
your heart
And let the sun
shine in
So let the sun
shine in
Face it with a grin
Open up your heart
And let the sun
shine in.
Sex.
My name is Paige,
I'm from Roxton
and I am a sex addict.
My drug of choice...
frottage,
the sexual rubbing-up
on unsuspecting citizens.
"Excuse me," I'd say,
while I'd grind my crotch
into an unsuspecting passenger
on a crowded airplane.
Halt, hungry, angry,
lonely, tired.
No one ever knew.
I was in first class...
Hello, I'm Ronnie the Rimmer
and I'm a sex addict.
Uh. Uh!
I'm Sylvia and
my clitoris is in crisis.
I'm Sylvia's
husband Vaughn,
and... I'm trying
to understand.
And this is my daughter,
Caprice.
Yeah, and Prozac
saved my life.
I'm Big Ethel and don't get any ideas,
I'm normal.
Hello, I'm Tony the Tickler
and I was a tickle top.
And that's nothing
to laugh at.
We are the Stickles family
and it's nice to be here.
Excuse me, I'd say
for the hundredth time...
this is Lu Ann
and Larry.
We were into
"Roman showers."
Vomiting on each other
as foreplay.
But that doesn't
come up anymore.
No, siree,
a higher power saved us.
I want these
people arrested
and punished
to the full extent of the law.
Let me lead you
to recovery.
Once, a man on jury duty
complained that I rode his knee
when we filed in
to announce the verdict.
But I denied it
to the judge.
Sex addicts
learn to lie.
Denial... don't need you
to know that I am lying.
They call me Dora.
And I'm a chronic
masturbator.
I've been sober
only two weeks now.
I'm Sylvia
and I've hit bottom.
...day in and day out.
Finally someone reported me
to a security guard and I was arrested.
- I would hope so.
- We don't judge others here, madam.
Progress, not perfection.
Sex addicts,
your meetings are my life.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Halt, hungry, angry,
lonely, tired...
All this yelling is giving me
a "Swedish headache."
you know what I mean?
Horny.
This woman is crazy.
Nothing's the matter with "beating
the beaver" once in a while.
Hello, I'm Paige
and I am a sex addict.
I'm Sylvia
and I can't control
my..."axis of evil."
let me be your sponsor,
Sylvia.
Thank you.
I'm so ashamed.
- Admit to God... you are a whore.
- I'm a whore.
Make a list of all
the people you've fucked
and apologize
to their parents.
My name
is Mr. Pay Day.
- And I'm here for a little scat chat.
- Thank you.
A pay day is an unflushed turd,
hence my name.
I used to defecate
in public restrooms
up and down Harford Road
- and never flush the toilet.
- That was him?
But my life of turd abuse
didn't stop there, oh no.
I started doing
"upper deckers"...
shitting in the top tank
of the toilet,
where no one would ever look
to find the odor.
I can certainly
judge that.
- Progress, not perfection.
- Thank you.
Thank you,
it really means a lot.
Hi, my name is Caprice
and I am a sex addict.
I used to be known
as Ursula Udders,
but let me tell you,
Ursula Udders is utterly over.
I'm on Prozac now
and I am a new woman.
Oh.
Halt, hungry, angry...
Ever jerk off when one
of your hands is asleep?
No. Look, please,
I'm a Neuter.
You should try it.
It feels like
somebody else is doing it.
I defied nature
and now I must pay the price.
- Ever take a "rufie"?
- No!
Me neither.
I'm afraid I'd stay home
and date rape myself
all night long.
...that I will get
a breast reduction operation.
Yes. I will.
- I promise.
- Yes! Yes!
And I will never
be nude again!
Thank you.
Thank you.
I got my girls.
Er... er...
my name is Sylvia,
And I too
am a sex addict.
But I'm not dirty
anymore.
Grrr-rr...
That's right, Sylvia. You know how long
your poor dead father had to wait?
It was a long hard road
to this vagina.
We must warn others
in the concussion community,
that a head injury
is not an excuse for debauchery.
That's right, sister!
But your vagina
belongs to eternity, Sylvia Stickles.
be gone,
Beelzebub.
Let my mother's
pussy be!
I'm not your
filthy apostle.
No, sir, no!
I'm not
number anything.
He is a fraud. Remember Jim Jones?
Remember People's Temple?
He's a sex addict. A filthy controlling
pervert who wants your soul.
It's all mumbo-jumbo.
He's just a filthy man.
Sex addicts,
you are the chosen people.
Help us uncover
nature's secret.
Halt, horny,
anal, lustful, titties.
- Seduce your sponsor.
- One fuck at a time.
Intimacy equals inadequacy.
What's the matter
with you people?
You're wasting
valuable sex time.
Your cunt
is like a charity.
You must give,
give and give...
I'm slipping.
I'm slipping.
Recovery is regression.
It will never pass.
No, don't! I have to.
Don't listen to him.
Stop it.
Please, I'm a Neuter!
Concussion sufferers,
find the new orgasm
and we'll all be supernatural.
It's out there, you just...
I have to do this.
There is no
higher power than sex!
Stop it! Aah-ah!
Stop it, don't touch me.
I've been neutered.
Let no sex act...
You're fired, David,
and no unemployment neither.
It's okay.
This is sex.
There is a beautiful woman
here tonight named Sylvia
who can reveal a secret.
And that woman
is my wife!
Vaughn, let us show you
eternal sexual satisfaction.
- We love you.
- Love?!
Whatever you do,
don't call it love.
Oh, God!
Let's go sexing!
Help me Mr. Fireman,
please
You know I'm burning
from my head to my knees
I'm aflame with
such a burning desire
That little girl
sets my soul on fire
She's got me burning up
like a paper cup
Whoo-whoo-whoo,
I'm on fire...
Come on, Dad!
- Go, baby.
- Get off of me!
Ooh!
Sylvia, Sylvia?
Sylvia?
... Hmmm, hmmm,
I'm on fire...
...the shock of each moment
and still be alive.
You've got the devil in your cervix,
that's what you've got.
Come home to my penis
where you belong.
I can't, Vaughn.
I'm a libertine.
I say no
to sexual addiction.
You'll get
a yeast infection.
Now is the time
for home invasion!
Oh, his pop-up
doesn't pop up anymore...
Somebody help!
It just doesn't do
the thing it did before...
Somebody gave him pills!
... His pop-up will not
pop up anymore.
We're gonna make
a nice sauce...
Oh, my God!
Okay, who wants
to fuck me?
I do.
She wants me!
- Get off of him!
- Let me go with her!
Have faith, hope
and charity
- Have faith, hope and charity...
- Sex is disgusting!
That's the way
to live successfully
That's the way
to live successfully
How do I know?
The Bible tells me so...
How do I know?
The Bible tells me so...
How do I know?
The Bible tells me so...
The Bible
tells me...
Do good
to your enemies
And the blessed Lord
you'll surely please
How do I know?
The Bible tells me so
The Bible
tells me
Don't worry
'bout tomorrow
Just be
real good today
The Lord
is right beside you...
All right, everybody,
just come on in.
That's right,
everybody in.
Thank you. Thank you so much
for coming out tonight.
- We got toilet paper?
- We've got toilet paper.
We couldn't be
doing this without you.
Move up,
everybody, okay?
Now, parents,
talk to your children
tell them
how repulsive sex is.
And kids, tell your mom and dad
the truth.
Second base isn't just
feeling up a bra strap anymore.
No, it's a blow job.
No blow jobs!
Teenagers everywhere,
come on, join
the Neuter resistance.
We're not here protesting
anything tonight, are we, Neuters?
No!
We're for something.
Yes, yes!
That's right.
We're for the end of tolerance.
Tolerance went too far
and we all know it.
No more tolerance!
No more tolerance!
No more tolerance!
No more tolerance! No more tolerance!
Hurry, hurry!
Hey, feel like
blowing some tunes?
Come on, don't be shy,
what's the matter with you?
Hey!
I'm Sylvia Stickles
and I've got the itch.
Hoo-hah, hoo-hah...
Baby, baby...
Baby, baby, baby...
Down here!
Come on and join the fun!
Ooh!
Hey, hey
you white devil!
Come on up here and give me
some of that strange.
...pussy wants
some action.
That's right, Sylvia,
we're going pearl diving.
Yes, siree,
I'm looking to go "below th Street."
Get it, Sylvia,
get it while you can.
I'm coming
as fast as I can.
No, you're not,
motherfucker.
Whoa!
Get your ass
in here now.
Get out of here,
come on, beat it, Sylvia.
Fucking tranquilizers.
It's all right.
Ray Ray is gonna be all better, right?
You betrayed me.
No, I'm back.
I just had a relapse.
Heretics!
Because of you I can't have sex.
It's not our fault,
we're sorry.
Try this.
"Face The Nation."
No.
Help me.
- I want to be horny.
- You will be. Concentrate.
Did you know sex
is even infiltrating the economy?
Experts estimate
at least Americans
are masturbating at work
right this minute.
Masturbation is costing
American business...
Come back,
Caprice.
Get out.
This is a Neuter establishment.
We don't serve
Ray Ray's people here.
Don't get a breast reduction, Ursula.
Fat Fuck Frank will die.
Oh, his spiritual life
is already dead.
But it's coming!
No, it isn't.
There is no new sex act.
The Ressur-sexion
is about to happen.
Oh, God,
you're crazy.
This is Tuesday night.
This is Harford Road.
This is a school night!
Ladies,
let's start over.
Have you heard about
vaginal restoration?
Any gynecologist
can do it.
The hymen
is sewn back together.
Ah-agh!
Hey, rent a room,
not here.
- Get the hell out of my store.
- Just come on, you guys.
Oh, Vaughn,
get this creep out of here.
Right now,
I want you out of here.
- Ugh!
- On top of spaghetti
All covered
with cheese...
Use a napkin,
you freak.
... I lost my poor
meatball...
When somebody sneezed...
- Oh yeah.
- When somebody sneezed.
They're everywhere.
They're in the bushes.
Dad, somebody's
licking our tires.
- Honey, don't look.
- Hey, pervert!
Leave our family alone.
- Oof!
- Come on, let's just get out of here.
Oh-ho-ho. Oh.
Ooh, ever hear
of helicoptering?
Whipping someone's face
with your erect penis?
- Whap, whap, whap!
- Old hat.
- Shrimping?
- Everybody licks toes.
Tromboning... jacking off
when you're taking a crap?
I did that during
the Reagan Administration.
Try some vitamins.
I need to satisfy someone.
Oh, yeah.
Tell me a story
Tell me
a story
Tell me a story,
remember what you said
You promised me,
you said you would
You've got to give in
so I'll be good
Tell me a story...
yes, Mommy's
drying dishes
so that pretty little baby
will have clean plate-plates
when we move
to our new house.
... Go home without
my raise in pay
- Home by the fire where a man can...
- Mama! Mama!
Sleep out there
by the chair
Not a worry,
not a care...
Come on, you're the cunnilingus
concussion king.
Am I? Am I?
So many vaginas,
so little time.
I try
and do good work.
Sometimes
chocolate helps.
Oh, give me
the green one.
Boy, those fuckers
work.
I managed to cop some spanish fly
down on the block.
Oh, that's some
good shit.
- Felching?
- Done it.
- Getting your "red wings"?
- I got 'em.
- Plate job?
- Over and under.
- Blossoms?
- Don't want them.
Ever tried these?
Damn Viagra.
And I'm already there.
"Astral-orgasm,"
reaching an out-of-body state
through sexual arousal.
Let's go sexing!
Come on, you can't do that inside.
Take it outside.
Yeah, I'm looking
for to get blowed.
We don't have that.
I've been scarred!
Get off me,
I'm straight.
So's spaghetti till you get it
heated up.
I tell you, this virginal
operation works.
Even the most skeptical man
will be convinced.
You're what I'd call
a pity fuck?
The restored virgin
fills a gelatin capsule with blood
and inserts it into her vagina
just before intercourse.
You're all crazy.
When she has sex for the first time,
the hymen will pop.
You'll be a virgin
for the second time.
- Leave us alone.
- Help!
Hey! Hey!
Call the National Guard.
To hell with Harford Road!
We're moving back to D.C.
Where we belong.
- Frank, call them off.
- But, Ursula,
they are hotter than a fresh fucked fox
in a forest fire, you know that.
I am pure now, Fat Blank Frank,
I'm a Neuter.
Just let them puppies
loose, honey.
I have faced the beast of lust
and I have won.
Besides,
my back hurts.
I get rashes.
Simple chores bother me.
I would like to sleep on my stomach,
if you don't mind.
Please, Ursula...!
- Let's go sexing.
- N-O spells no!
- Come on, man...
- This isn't that kind of place. Lady!
aah... auto-erotic
asphyxiation.
Oh, you oughta
try it, ahh!
- Let me in, you know you got it.
- Get away! We're not horny.
We're married.
We don't want anything.
Somebody somewhere,
finish me up!
- Huh?
- Feel like getting lucky?
Huh? Huh-Uh.
Hey, how about you?
Huh? How about you?
Uh-huh.
You are barred from
the Pinewood Park-and-Pay.
Ever hear of
mononucleosis?
Get help!
- Oh, my God!
- Hey, polar bear,
- you know what an "otter" is?
- No.
It's a bear cub who
isn't fat or hairy yet, but will be.
Find me
a significant otter.
Ungh!
Whoop!
Oof!
Oh!
Yes!
Get out, you disgusting
piece of filth.
Get out now and
never come back.
Yeah, baby!
Oh, no, not you!
Yeah, baby!
Yeah, baby!
Whoo-ooh!
Yeah!
Ursula! Ursula! Ursula!
Mom!
Yeah, my gal is
red hot
Your gal
ain't doodly squat
Well she ain't got no money,
but man, she's really got a lot...
Oh, baby, let me bang
your box
Baby, let me bang
your box
Baby, let me
bang your box
Baby, let me bang
your box
Baby, let me bang it,
baby, let me bang it
Baby, let me bang
your box
... Let me bang your box,
oh, baby, I'll give you a thrill...
This is a liberated area.
The sexual revolution
has been won.
You can finally be free.
Come out.
The Neuters have fled.
There is somebody
for everybody.
- That means you!
- Ray Ray!
Straight, gay or bi, there's a new sex
act just waiting for you.
Sex for everybody!
Fuck your neighbors joyously.
Hurry!
You, on your front lawn.
Join us.
Come on, let's go.
The Neuters are history.
We are taking over!
Today Harford Road...
Tomorrow the world!
Then all of Baltimore, then up
to Washington and finally New York,
the Midwest, the South,
California,
Europe, Japan,
North Korea...
the whole world will soon
fuck at the same time.
Sexual anarchy
will finally happen.
Come on, let's go!
Jump on!
Ladies and gentlemen,
the captain has informed us
that we have begun
our final approach
into Ronald Reagan
Washington National Airport.
Mr. Hasselhoff?
Sorry to interrupt,
but you are my favorite star.
- Can I have your autograph?
- Yeah, sure.
- Thank you.
- If you must use the lavatory
prior to our scheduled
arrival, please do so at this time.
Excuse me one second.
Thanks.
Per FAA regulations,
please put away
any electronic devices.
Flight crew,
prepare for landing.
Sylvia!
Ursula!
You're beautiful, baby...
I'm past that,
Fat Frank, forever!
Yeah, come on.
Oh, my pills!
Oh!
Oh...
Honey...
can I have some lunch
downtown?
- Oh.
- Dad, ah!
Oh-hh!
- Ha-ha!
- No, Vaughn, I've done that.
You know, don't you?
Oh!
Oh-hh!
Oh-hh...!
She was
a Neuter.
A sexual anorexic
whose time has come.
Ow! Oh!
Big Ethel...?
Ooh-oh!
The big "O."
Do it for us
one more time, Ray Ray.
Now, Ray Ray, now!
Now!
Let's go sexing!
At the end of a rainbow
You'll find
a pot of gold
At the end of a story
You'll find
it's all been told
But our love
has a treasure
Our hearts
can always spend
And it has a story
Without any end
At the end of a river
The water stops
its flow
At the end of a highway
There's no place
you can go
But just tell me
you love me
And you are only mine
And our love will go on
Till the end...
Of time
At the end of a river
The water stops
its flow
At the end of a highway
There's no place
you can go
But just tell me
you love me
And you are only mine
And our love will go on
Till the end...
Of time
Till the end...
Of time.
Let's go sexing
Let's go
sexing
Let's go sexing
You know I love you
When you make me
feel good
A funny feeling
Pounding in my head
My hands are trembling
My eyes are turning red
I'm a desperate man
With a heavy load
Like a volcano
I'm about to explode
Let's go sexing
Let's go
sexing
Let's go sexing
You know I love you
When you make me
feel good
Let's go sexing
Let's go
sexing
Let's go sexing
You know I love you
When you make me
feel good
Come on, concussion,
liberate my brain
My pulse is rushing
There's lava in my veins
Pumping with passion
Throbbing with desire
A heatseeker missile
with a burning tailfire
Oh, let's go sexing
Let's go sexing
Let's go
sexing
I'll say I love you
If it makes you feel good
I'm a wild Roman candle
With, baby, loads of fire
Oh, let's go sexing
Yeah, let's go sexing
Let's go sexing
I'll say I love you
If you make me feel good
Oh yeah!