Voila! Finally, the Duck Soup
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Marx Brothers movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Duck Soup. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
[ Quacking ]
MRS. TEASDALE, I ASK YOU TO RECONSIDER.
YES, YOUR EXCELLENCY ?
I'VE LOANED FREEDONIA
MORE THAN HALF THE FORTUNE MY HUSBAND LEFT ME.
I CONSIDER THAT MONEY LOST.
NOW YOU'RE ASKING FOR ANOTHER $ MILLION.
IT WOULD ONLY BE
FOR A FEW MONTHS.
WITH $ MILLION
IN THE TREASURY,
WE CAN ANNOUNCE A
REDUCTION IN TAXES.
I'M SORRY,
BUT I'M INCLINED TO AGREE WITH THE PEOPLE.
THE GOVERNMENT HAS BEEN MISMANAGED.
WHAT ?
I WILL LEND THE MONEY
ON CONDITION THAT HIS EXCELLENCY WITHDRAW...
AND PLACE THE GOVERNMENT
IN NEW HANDS.
YOU ASK ME TO GIVE UP MY OFFICE ?
YES, YOUR EXCELLENCY.
FREEDONIA NEEDS
A NEW LEADER,
A PROGRESSIVE,
FEARLESS FIGHTER.
A MAN LIKE RUFUS T. FIREFLY.
RUFUS T. FIREFLY ?
I WILL LEND THE MONEY
ONLY IF FIREFLY IS APPOINTED LEADER.
[ Fanfare ]
THE HONORABLE SECRETARY
OF FINANCE AND PARTY.
[ Fanfare ]
HIS EXCELLENCY, AMBASSADOR
TRENTINO OF SYLVANIA.
AMBASSADOR.
MRS. TEASDALE.
IT WAS SO GOOD
OF YOU TO COME.
I'M ANXIOUS FOR YOU
TO MEET THE NEW LEADER OF OUR COUNTRY.
NO MATTER WHO RULES,
YOU WILL ALWAYS BE THE FIRST LADY OF THE LAND.
OH, PERMIT ME.
MISS VERA MARCAL.
AMBASSADOR TRENTINO.
MISS MARCAL NEEDS NO INTRODUCTION.
I'VE SEEN HER DANCE MANY TIMES.
THANK YOU.
[ Fanfare ]
THE HONORABLE
PANDOOH OF MIFHTAN.
I MUST GREET
HIS HONOR.
WHAT HAVE YOU FOUND OUT ?
I'VE BEEN WAITING TO HEAR FROM YOU.
I'VE GIVEN UP THE IDEA
OF A REVOLUTION. I HAVE A BETTER PLAN.
I CAN GAIN CONTROL
OF FREEDONIA EASIER BY MARRYING MRS. TEASDALE.
MAYBE THAT'S NOT GOING
TO BE SO EASY.
FROM WHAT I HEAR,
MRS. TEASDALE IS SWEET ON THIS RUFUS T. FIREFLY.
THAT'S WHERE YOU COME IN.
I'M GOING TO PLACE HIM IN YOUR HANDS.
AND I DON'T HAVE TO TELL
YOU WHAT TO -- CAREFUL.
I WANT YOU TO MEET HIS
EXCELLENCY'S SECRETARY.
BOB ROLAND. AMBASSADOR TRENTINO.
HOW DO YOU DO, SIR ?
MISS MARCAL.
WE'VE MET.
I HOPE HIS EXCELLENCY
GETS HERE SOON.
HIS EXCELLENCY
MAKES IT A POINT ALWAYS TO BE ON TIME.
AS LONG AS I'VE KNOWN HIM,
HE'S NEVER BEEN LATE.
HIS EXCELLENCY IS DUE
TO TAKE HIS STATION
BEGINNING HIS
NEW ADMINISTRATION
HE'LL MAKE HIS APPEARANCE
WHEN
THE CLOCK ON THE WALL
STRIKES TEN
WHEN THE CLOCK ON THE WALL
STRIKES TEN
ALL YOU LOYAL LADIES
AND YOU PATRIOTIC MEN
LET'S SING THE
NATIONAL ANTHEM WHEN
THE CLOCK ON THE WALL
STRIKES TEN
[ Chiming ]
[ Fanfare ]
HIS EXCELLENCY IS DUE
TO TAKE HIS STATION
BEGINNING A
NEW ADMINISTRATION
HE'LL MAKE HIS APPEARANCE
WHEN
THE CLOCK ON THE WALL
STRIKES TEN
WE'LL GIVE HIM
A ROUSING CHEER
TO SHOW HIM
WE'RE GLAD HE'S HERE
HAIL, HAIL FREEDONIA
[ Fanfare ]
HAIL, HAIL FREEDONIA
LAND OF THE BRAVE
AND FREE
[ Fanfare ]
HAIL, HAIL FREEDONIA
LAND OF THE BRAVE
AND FREE
[ Alarm ]
HAIL, HAIL FREEDONIA
LAND OF THE BRAVE
AND FREE
YOU EXPECTING SOMEBODY ?
YES.
HAIL, HAIL FREEDONIA
LAND OF THE BRAVE
AND FREE
OH, YOUR EXCELLENCY,
WE'VE BEEN EXPECTING YOU.
AS CHAIRWOMAN
OF THE RECEPTION,
I EXTEND THE GOOD WISHES OF
EVERY MAN, WOMAN AND CHILD OF FREEDONIA.
NEVER MIND THAT.
TAKE A CARD.
CARD ? WHAT'LL I DO WITH A CARD ?
KEEP IT. I'VE GOT LEFT.
WHAT WERE YOU SAYING ?
AS CHAIRWOMAN,
I WELCOME YOU WITH OPEN ARMS.
IS THAT SO ? HOW LATE DO YOU STAY OPEN ?
I'VE SPONSORED YOUR
APPOINTMENT BECAUSE I FEEL YOU ARE...
THE MOST ABLE STATESMAN IN ALL FREEDONIA.
THAT COVERS A LOT OF GROUND.
YOU COVER A LOT
OF GROUND YOURSELF. YOU BETTER BEAT IT.
I HEAR THEY'RE GONNA
TEAR YOU DOWN AND PUT UP AN OFFICE BUILDING.
YOU CAN LEAVE IN A TAXI.
IF YOU CAN'T GET A TAXI, YOU CAN LEAVE IN A HUFF.
IF THAT'S TOO SOON, YOU CAN
LEAVE IN A MINUTE AND A HUFF.
YOU HAVEN'T STOPPED TALKING
SINCE I CAME.
THE FUTURE OF FREEDONIA
RESTS ON YOU.
PROMISE ME YOU'LL
FOLLOW IN THE FOOTSTEPS OF MY HUSBAND.
I HAVEN'T BEEN ON THE JOB
FIVE MINUTES AND ALREADY SHE'S MAKING ADVANCES TO ME.
WHERE IS YOUR HUSBAND ?
WHY... HE'S DEAD.
I'LL BET HE'S USING THAT
AS AN EXCUSE.
I WAS WITH HIM 'TIL THE VERY END.
NO WONDER HE PASSED AWAY.
I HELD HIM IN MY ARMS
AND KISSED HIM.
I SEE.
THEN IT WAS MURDER !
WILL YOU MARRY ME ?
DID HE LEAVE YOU MONEY ? ANSWER THE SECOND FIRST.
HE LEFT ME HIS ENTIRE FORTUNE.
IS THAT SO ?
CAN'T YOU SEE I'M
TRYING TO TELL YOU I LOVE YOU !
OH, YOUR EXCELLENCY !
YOU'RE NOT SO BAD YOURSELF.
I WANT TO PRESENT YOU
AMBASSADOR TRENTINO OF SYLVANIA.
HAVING HIM WITH US IS
INDEED A GREAT PLEASURE.
THANK YOU, BUT I CAN'T STAY VERY LONG.
THAT'S A GREATER PLEASURE.
HOW 'BOUT LENDING THIS
COUNTRY $ MILLION, YOU OLD SKINFLINT ?
$ MILLION IS A LOT OF MONEY.
I HAVE TO TAKE THAT UP WITH MY MINISTER OF FINANCE.
COULD YOU LET ME HAVE $ UNTIL PAYDAY ?
$ ?
YOU'LL GET IT BACK.
I'LL GIVE YOU MY NOTE FOR DAYS.
IF IT ISN'T PAID BY THEN,
KEEP THE NOTE.
YOUR EXCELLENCY,
HAVEN'T WE SEEN EACH OTHER SOMEWHERE BEFORE ?
I'M NOT SURE
I'M SEEING YOU NOW. MUST BE SOMETHING I ATE.
LOOK HERE ! ARE YOU TRYING TO --
DON'T LOOK NOW,
BUT THERE'S ONE MAN
TOO MANY IN THIS ROOM AND I THINK IT'S YOU.
I'M SO SORRY.
I WANT YOU TO MEET A VERY CHARMING LADY.
IT'S ABOUT TIME.
JUST A MOMENT.
I WANT TO PRESENT MISS VERA MARCAL.
GO AHEAD. I CAN TAKE IT.
OH, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
THIS IS VERA MARCAL, THE FAMOUS DANCER.
IS THAT SO ?
CAN YOU DO THIS ONE ?
I DANCED BEFORE
NAPOLEON.
NO, NAPOLEON DANCED
BEFORE ME. HE DANCED YEARS BEFORE ME.
HERE'S ONE I PICKED UP
IN A DANCE HALL.
HERE'S ANOTHER ONE I
PICKED UP IN A DANCE HALL.
PERHAPS SOMETIME WE GET
A CHANCE TO DANCE TOGETHER ?
I COULD DANCE WITH YOU
'TIL THE COWS COME HOME.
I'D RATHER DANCE WITH
THE COWS 'TIL YOU COME HOME.
WHERE IS MY SECRETARY ?
HERE I AM.
GOOD HEAVENS !
TAKE A LETTER. MY DENTIST.
WHO TO ?
"DEAR DENTIST, ENCLOSED
FIND CHECK FOR $ ." SEND IT OFF IMMEDIATELY.
I'LL HAVE TO ENCLOSE THE CHECK FIRST.
YOU DO AND I'LL FIRE YOU.
YOUR EXCELLENCY,
THE EYES OF THE WORLD ARE UPON YOU.
NOTABLES FROM EVERY COUNTRY
ARE GATHERED IN YOUR HONOR.
THIS IS A GALA DAY
FOR YOU.
A GAL A DAY IS ENOUGH
FOR ME. I DON'T THINK I COULD HANDLE ANY MORE.
IF IT'S NOT
ASKING TOO MUCH...
FOR OUR INFORMATION
JUST FOR ILLUSTRATION
TELL US HOW YOU INTEND
TO RUN THE NATION
THESE ARE THE LAWS
OF MY ADMINISTRATION
NO ONE'S ALLOWED TO SMOKE
OR TELL A DIRTY JOKE
AND WHISTLING
IS FORBIDDEN
WE'RE NOT ALLOWED
TO TELL A DIRTY JOKE
HAIL, HAIL FREEDONIA
IF CHEWING GUM IS CHEWED
THE CHEWER IS PURSUED
AND IN THE HOOSEGOW
HIDDEN
IF WE CHOOSE TO CHEW
WE'LL BE PURSUED
IF ANY FORM OF PLEASURE
IS EXHIBITED
REPORT TO ME AND
IT WILL BE PROHIBITED
I'LL PUT MY FOOT DOWN
SO SHALL IT BE
THIS IS THE LAND
OF THE FREE
THE LAST MAN NEARLY RUINED
THIS PLACE, HE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH IT
IF YOU THINK THIS COUNTRY'S
BAD OFF NOW JUST WAIT 'TIL I GET THROUGH WITH IT
THE COUNTRY'S TAXES
MUST BE FIXED AND I KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH IT
IF YOU THINK YOU'RE PAYING
TOO MUCH NOW JUST WAIT 'TIL I GET THROUGH WITH IT
I WILL NOT STAND FOR ANYTHING
THAT'S CROOKED OR UNFAIR
I'M STRICTLY ON THE UP AND UP
SO EVERYONE BEWARE
IF ANYONE'S CAUGHT
TAKING GRAFT AND I DON'T GET MY SHARE
WE STAND 'EM UP
AGAINST THE WALL AND POP GOES THE WEASEL
SO EVERYONE BEWARE
WHO'S CROOKED OR UNFAIR
NO ONE MUST TAKE
A BIT OF GRAFT UNLESS HE GETS HIS SHARE
IF ANY MAN SHOULD COME BETWEEN
A HUSBAND AND HIS BRIDE
WE FIND OUT
WHICH ONE SHE PREFERS BY LETTING HER DECIDE
IF SHE PREFERS THE OTHER MAN
THE HUSBAND STEPS OUTSIDE
WE STAND THEM UP
AGAINST THE WALL AND POP GOES THE WEASEL
THE HUSBAND STEPS OUTSIDE RELINQUISHES HIS BRIDE
AAAA
THEY STAND HIM UP AGAINST THE
WALL AND TAKE AWAY HIS BRIDE
YOU HAVE AN APPOINTMENT
AT THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES.
GOOD HEAVENS !
YOU CAN'T GO WITH YOUR TROUSERS UP !
I CAN'T, EH ?
THEY'LL NEVER CATCH ME ANY OTHER WAY.
MY CAR !
HIS EXCELLENCY'S CAR !
- HIS EXCELLENCY'S CAR.
- [ Fanfare ]
- HIS EXCELLENCY'S CAR.
- [ Fanfare ]
I'M IN A HURRY.
IF YOU RUN OUT OF GAS, GET ETHYL.
IF ETHYL RUNS OUT, GET MABEL.
NOW STEP ON IT.
IT CERTAINLY FEELS GOOD
TO BE BACK AGAIN.
I HAVE FAILED, AMBASSADOR.
I KNOW IT, YOU IDIOT !
I'M SORRY.
YOU HAVE MUDDLED EVERYTHING.
IF YOU'D STARTED THE REVOLUTION
AS I PLANNED...
I COULD'VE STEPPED IN
AND PLACED FREEDONIA UNDER THE SYLVANIAN FLAG.
BUT FIREFLY BLOCKED US !
YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW POPULAR HE IS.
I'VE KNOWN OF THAT TOO.
THAT'S WHY I HAVE TWO SPIES
SHADOWING HIM.
I WANT TO FIND OUT SOMETHING
TO DISGRACE HIM.
TO DISCREDIT HIM
WITH THE PEOPLE.
AMBASSADOR, CHICOLINI
AND PINKY ARE HERE.
THESE ARE MY SPIES.
SHOW THEM IN. WAIT OUTSIDE.
WE FOOL YOU GOOD,
EH ?
GENTLEMEN !
[ Ringing ]
[ Ringing ]
GENTLEMEN,
WHAT IS THIS ?
SHH ! THIS IS SPY STUFF.
[ Ringing ]
[ Ringing ]
TELEGRAM FOR YOU, SIR.
OH.
HE GETS MAD BECAUSE HE CAN'T READ.
OH, I SEE.
GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE
SERIOUS MATTERS TO DISCUSS.
PLEASE BE SEATED.
ROCK-A-BYE
GENTLEMEN, ABOUT
THAT INFORMATION --
WAIT, HERE, HAVE A CIGAR.
THAT'S A GOOD QUARTER CIGAR.
I SMOKED THE OTHER THREE QUARTERS MYSELF.
NO, THANK YOU.
HERE, TRY
ONE OF THESE.
HERE,
THAT'S-A NO GOOD.
THAT'S-A GOOD !
THAT'S-A FINE.
THAT'S-A GOOD.
LET'S CONCENTRATE.
HAVE YOU BEEN
TRAILING FIREFLY ?
HA-HA !
HAVE WE BEEN TRAILING FIREFLY !
MY PARTNER HERE'S GOT A NOSE JUST LIKE A BLOODHOUND.
REALLY ?
AND THE REST OF HIS FACE
DON'T LOOK SO GOOD EITHER.
WE FIND OUT ALL ABOUT
THIS FIREFLY.
LOOK AT THIS.
AH, VERY GOOD !
WAIT. WE MUST NOT
BE DISTURBED.
YES, SIR ?
THIS IS A VERY IMPORTANT CONFERENCE.
I DO NOT WISH TO BE INTERRUPTED.
YES, SIR.
[ Chicolini ]
UH-UH, UH-UH !
GENTLEMEN, WE ARE NOT
GETTING ANYWHERE.
YOU'RE OUT !
AH-AH-AH-AH-AH !
GENTLEMEN, PLEASE !
WILL YOU TELL ME WHAT YOU
FOUND OUT ABOUT FIREFLY ?
REMEMBER YOU GAVE US A PICTURE AND SAID "FOLLOW HIM" ?
OH YES.
WE GET ON THE JOB
RIGHT AWAY.
IN ONE HOUR, LESS THAN ONE HOUR,
YES ?
WE LOSE-A THE PICTCH.
THAT'S-A PRETTY QUICK WORK.
I ASKED YOU TO DIG UP
SOMETHING I CAN USE AGAINST FIREFLY.
DID YOU BRING ME
HIS RECORD ?
NO, NO !
[ Gunshot ]
AND THE BOY
GETS-A CIGAR.
CHICOLINI, I WANT
A DETAILED REPORT OF YOUR INVESTIGATION.
MONDAY, WE WATCH
FIREFLY'S HOUSE, BUT HE NO COME OUT.
HE WASN'T HOME.
TUESDAY, WE GO TO THE BALL GAME,
BUT HE FOOL US. HE NO SHOW UP.
WEDNESDAY, HE GO TO THE
BALL GAME, BUT WE FOOL HIM ! WE NO SHOW UP.
THURSDAY WAS A DOUBLEHEADER,
NOBODY SHOW UP.
FRIDAY, IT RAINED ALL DAY.
THERE WAS NO BALL GAME. WE LISTENED OVER THE RADIO.
YOU DIDN'T SHADOW FIREFLY !
WE SHADOW HIM ALL DAY.
WHAT DAY WAS THAT ?
"SHADDERDAY" !
THAT'S-A SOME JOKE,
HUH, BOSS ?
WILL YOU TELL ME, WHAT HAPPENED SATURDAY ?
I'M GLAD YOU ASKED ME.
WE FOLLOW THIS MAN
TO A ROAD HOUSE.
HE MEET A MARRIED LADY.
A MARRIED LADY ?
YEAH, I THINK IT WAS HIS WIFE.
FIREFLY HAS NO WIFE !
NO ?
NO !
YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK ?
I THINK WE FOLLOWED THE WRONG MAN.
OH, GENTLEMEN,
I AM DISAPPOINTED.
I ENTRUSTED YOU WITH A
MISSION OF GREAT IMPORTANCE AND YOU FAILED.
HOWEVER, I AM GOING TO
GIVE YOU ONE MORE CHANCE.
I HAVE CREDENTIALS
THAT WILL GET YOU INTO ANY PLACE IN FREEDONIA.
IF I CAN ONLY --
AH, HERE WE ARE.
ARE YOU SURE THAT
YOU CAN TRAP FIREFLY ?
REMEMBER,
THIS TIME I EXPECT RESULTS.
GOOD-BYE AND GOOD LUCK.
OKAY, CAP.
COME ON, PINKY.
GOOD-BYE.
ALL RIGHT, THE
MEETING'S CALLED TO ORDER.
YOUR EXCELLENCY,
HERE'S THE TREASURY DEPARTMENT'S REPORT.
I HOPE YOU'LL
FIND IT CLEAR.
CLEAR ? WHY A
FOUR-YEAR-OLD CHILD COULD UNDERSTAND THIS REPORT.
FIND ME A FOUR-YEAR-OLD
CHILD. I CAN'T MAKE HEAD OR TAIL OUT OF IT.
MEMBERS OF THE CABINET,
WE'LL TAKE UP OLD BUSINESS.
I WISH TO DISCUSS THE TARIFF.
SIT DOWN, THAT'S NEW BUSINESS.
NO OLD BUSINESS ?
VERY WELL, WE'LL TAKE UP NEW BUSINESS.
ABOUT THAT TARIFF.
TOO LATE ! THAT'S OLD BUSINESS ALREADY.
AS YOUR SECRETARY OF WAR --
OUT OF ORDER !
WHICH REMINDS ME,
SO IS THE PLUMBING. MAKE A NOTE OF THAT.
NEVER MIND,
I'LL DO IT MYSELF.
THE DEPARTMENT OF LABOR
WISHES TO REPORT...
THAT THE WORKERS OF FREEDONIA
ARE DEMANDING SHORTER HOURS.
WE'LL GIVE THEM SHORTER
HOURS BY CUTTING THEIR LUNCH HOUR TO MINUTES.
GENTLEMEN, WE'VE
GOT TO START LOOKING FOR A NEW TREASURER.
YOU APPOINTED ONE LAST WEEK !
THAT'S THE ONE I'M LOOKING FOR.
GENTLEMEN, ENOUGH.
HOW ABOUT TAKING UP THE TAX ?
-HOW ABOUT TAKING UP THE CARPET?
-WE MUST TAKE UP THE TAX !
YOU'VE GOT TO TAKE UP
THE TAX BEFORE YOU CAN TAKE UP THE CARPET.
I GIVE MY TIME TO MY DUTIES
AND WHAT DO I GET ?
- YOU GET AWFULLY TIRESOME.
- SIR, YOU TRY MY PATIENCE.
YOU MUST COME OVER
AND TRY MINE SOME TIME.
THAT'S THE LAST STRAW !
I RESIGN. I WASH MY HANDS OF THE WHOLE BUSINESS.
YOU CAN WASH
YOUR NECK TOO.
PEANUTS !
HEY, COME HERE !
JUST THE GUY
I WANNA SEE.
WHAT DO YOU FIND OUT
ABOUT FIREFLY ?
YOU FIND OUT-A SOMETHING ?
YOU NO FIND OUT-A SOMETHING ?
YOU SPY ON HIM ?
YOU NO SPY ON HIM ?
WHAT'S-A MATTER ?
ALL THE TIME I TALK, YOU NO SAY-A NOTHING.
WHAT'S-A MATTER
YOU NO SPEAK ?
STOP-A THIS !
WHAT-A YOU FIND, EH ?
THAT'S-A NO GOOD !
HEY, COME HERE.
WHAT YOU MAKE A FACE FOR ?
COME ON,
YOU WANNA FIGHT ?
COME ON,
I GIVE YOU FIGHT.
UPSTAIRS THIS TIME,
NO DOWNSTAIRS.
COME ON.
WHAT YOU THINK YOU ARE, EH ?
WHAT'S THE IDEA
OF FIGHTIN' IN FRONT OF MY PLACE...
AND DRIVING MY CUSTOMERS AWAY ?
YOU GOT A MISTAKE SOMEPLACE.
I NO FIGHT.
THIS GUY HE'S-A WORKING FOR ME.
I ASK-A SOMETHING,
HE NO TELL-A ME NOTHING. ALL THE TIME HE NO SPEAK.
WHAT DO YOU THINK HE DO ? HE GO MAKE-A FIGHT.
WHAT'S THE IDEA ?
THAT'S-A NOT MY IDEA.
THAT'S-A HIS IDEA.
I SAY SOMETHING,
HE NO SAY NOTHING.
EVERY TIME I SPEAK --
WILL YOU SHUT UP !
WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' AROUND HERE ?
[ Honk ]
WHO ARE YA ?
[ Honk ]
CAN'T YOU -- CAN'T YOU SAY ANYTHING ?
[ Honk ]
HE NO SAY NOTHING, HE --
AW, SHUT UP !
I AM-A SHUT UP,
BUT YOU NO UNDERSTAND.
HE'S A SPY AND I'M A SPY.
HE WORK-A FOR ME.
I WANT HIM TO FIND OUT SOMETHING
BUT HE NO FIND OUT.
HOW AM I GONNA FIND OUT
WHAT I WANNA FIND OUT...
IF HE NO FIND OUT WHAT I GOTTA FIND OUT ?
WILL YOU QUIT ANNOYING ME ?
ALL RIGHT, I QUIT.
ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS MAKE HIM STOP DOING THIS.
JUST FOR THAT I'M GONNA
TEAR YOU LIMB FROM LIMB !
YOU'D THINK --
I NO SAY ONE THING, MISTER, BEFORE WHEN YOU --
NO, NO.
HAVEN'T I --
OH ! NOW,
NOW I'M GONNA GET YOU !
WHAT ARE
YOU DOIN' ?
[ Honk ]
WHY, YOU --
[ Honk ]
[ Laughing ]
[ Silence ]
[ Honk, Honk, Honk ]
[ Whistling ]
I'LL TEACH YOU TO KICK ME !
YOU DON'T HAVE TO TEACH ME. I KNOW HOW.
[ Chicolini ]
STOP IT NOW. LOOK OUT !
OHHH !
THAT'S-A GOOD, EH ?
PEANUTS !
HEY !
DO YOU WANT TO BE
A PUBLIC NUISANCE ?
SURE, HOW MUCH
DOES THE JOB PAY ?
I'VE GOT A GOOD MIND TO
JOIN A CLUB AND BEAT YOU OVER THE HEAD WITH IT.
PEANUTS... TO YOU !
HAVE YOU GOT A LICENSE ?
LICENSE ?
NO, BUT MY DOG,
HE'S GOTTA MILLIONS OF 'EM.
HE'S SOME SMART DOG.
HE WENT WITH ADMIRAL BYRD TO THE POLE.
I'LL BET THE DOG
GOT TO THE POLE FIRST.
YOU WIN.
COME UP.
I WANNA SCARE THE CABINET.
[ Ringing ]
HELLO ?
NO, HE'S NOT IN.
ALL RIGHT, I TELL HIM.
GOOD-BYE. THAT WAS FOR YOU.
I'M SORRY I'M NOT IN.
I WANT TO HAVE A LONG TALK WITH YOU.
YOU GIVE UP THAT SILLY
PEANUT STAND AND I'LL GET YOU A SOFT GOVERNMENT JOB.
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE A JOB IN THE MINT ?
MINT ?
NO, NO.
I NO LIKE-A MINT.
WHAT OTHER FLAVOR YOU GOT ?
[ Ringing ]
HELLO ?
NO, NOT YET.
ALL RIGHT, I TELL HIM.
GOOD-BYE.
THAT WAS FOR YOU AGAIN.
I WONDER WHATEVER BECAME OF ME.
I SHOULD'VE BEEN BACK HERE
A LONG TIME AGO.
I'VE GOT A SWELL JOB FOR
YOU, BUT FIRST I HAVE TO ASK IMPORTANT QUESTIONS.
WHAT IS IT THAT HAS
FOUR PAIR OF PANTS,
LIVES IN PHILADELPHIA,
AND IT NEVER RAINS
BUT IT POURS ?
THAT'S A GOOD ONE. I GIVE YOU THREE GUESSES.
LET ME SEE.
HAS FOUR PAIR OF PANTS,
LIVES IN PHILADELPHIA.
MALE OR FEMALE ?
NO, I NO THINK SO.
IS HE DEAD ?
WHO ?
I DON'T KNOW. I GIVE UP !
I GIVE UP TOO.
NOW I ASK YOU
ANOTHER ONE.
WHAT IS IT GOT
BIG BLACK MOUSTACHE,
SMOKES A
BIG BLACK CIGAR...
AND HE'S A BIG PAIN IN THE NECK ?
DON'T TELL ME.
HAS A BIG
BLACK MOUSTACHE,
SMOKES A
BIG BLACK CIGAR,
AND IS A BIG
PAIN IN THE --
DOES HE WEAR GLASSES ?
THAT'S RIGHT. YOU GUESS IT QUICK.
JUST FOR THAT YOU DON'T GET THE JOB.
WHAT JOB ?
SECRETARY OF WAR !
ALL RIGHT, I TAKE IT.
[ Ringing ]
[ Honk, Honk ? ]
[ Honk, Honk ]
[ Honk ? ]
[ Honk ! ]
[ Honk Laughing
Honk ! ]
[ Whistle ]
I'D BE LOST WITHOUT A TELEPHONE.
DON'T GO AWAY,
I WANNA TALK TO YOU.
OH, YES, NOW THAT
YOU'RE SECRETARY OF WAR,
WHAT KIND OF AN ARMY DO YOU THINK WE OUGHTA HAVE ?
WE SHOULD HAVE A STANDING ARMY.
[ Firefly ]
WHY SHOULD WE HAVE A STANDING ARMY ?
THEN WE SAVE MONEY
ON CHAIRS !
[ Crashing ]
PEANUTS
[ Humming ]
SCAT !
SAY, WHO ARE YOU
ANYWAY ?
I DON'T GO IN MUCH
FOR MODERN ART.
HAVE YOU GOT ANYTHING
BY ONE OF THE OLD MASTERS ?
NOT BAD.
YOU DON'T HAPPEN TO HAVE
HER TELEPHONE NUMBER.
SAY, YOU COULD BE
A BIG HELP TO ME.
WHERE DO YOU LIVE ?
IT'S NOT MUCH OF A PLACE,
BUT IT'S HOME. MEOW !
[ Barking ]
I KNOW ONE THING,
I BET YOU HAVEN'T GOT
A PICTURE OF MY GRANDFATHER.
UH-UH ! NOT NOW.
SOME OTHER TIME.
[ Honk, Honk ]
YOUR EXCELLENCY ?
QUIET !
THIS LETTER'S THE WORK
OF TRENTINO.
THE MAN IS TRYING
TO UNDERMINE YOU. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ?
I'VE GOT A GOOD MIND TO
RING HIS DOORBELL AND RUN.
WE'VE GOT TO GET RID
OF THAT MAN AT ONCE. I'VE GOT A PLAN.
YOU SAY SOMETHING TO MAKE
HIM MAD AND HE'LL STRIKE YOU !
AND WE FORCE HIM TO LEAVE.
WHY COULDN'T YOU ARRANGE FOR ME TO STRIKE HIM ?
AMBASSADOR TRENTINO
IS A VERY SENSITIVE MAN.
HE'S VERY EASY
TO INSULT.
WHY, I SAID SOMETHING TO
VERA MARCAL IN HIS PRESENCE AND HE SLAPPED MY FACE.
WHY DIDN'T VERA SLAP YOUR FACE ?
SHE DID.
WHAT'D YOU SAY
TO HER ?
YOU OUGHTA BE ASHAMED. WHERE'D YOU HEAR THAT STORY ?
YOU TOLD IT TO ME.
OH YES !
I REMEMBER.
I SHOULD'VE SLAPPED
MRS. TEASDALE'S FACE WHEN SHE TOLD IT TO ME.
WHERE IS TRENTINO ?
AT MRS. TEASDALE'S TEA PARTY.
WAS I INVITED ? TAKE A LETTER.
NO.
YOU ARE CORDIALLY INVITED
TO ATTEND MY TEA PARTY.
SIGN MRS. TEASDALE'S NAME
AND TELL HER I ACCEPT.
COME ON, LET'S GO.
[ Fanfare ]
I'VE GOT AN APPOINTMENT TO INSULT AMBASSADOR TRENTINO.
I DON'T WANT TO
KEEP HIM WAITING. STEP ON IT !
THIS IS THE FIFTH TRIP
I'VE MADE TODAY AND I HAVEN'T BEEN ANYWHERE YET.
YOU DON'T SEEM TO BE
MAKING PROGRESS WITH MRS. TEASDALE, HUH ?
EVERY TIME I GET HER IN
THE RIGHT MOOD TO SAY "YES," FIREFLY POPS IN.
WELL, THIS IS
YOUR OPPORTUNITY. HE WON'T BE HERE TODAY.
ARE YOU SURE ?
POSITIVE !
I HELPED MRS. TEASDALE WITH THE INVITATIONS.
OH !
HIS EXCELLENCY,
RUFUS T. FIREFLY.
HAIL, HAIL FREEDONIA
LAND OF THE BRAVE
AND FREE
GLORIA, I CAN'T BE
PUT OFF ANY LONGER.
I LOVE YOU, I WANT YOU !
CAN'T YOU SEE I'M AT YOUR FEET ?
WHEN YOU GET THROUGH
WITH HER FEET, YOU CAN START ON MINE.
IF THAT ISN'T AN INSULT,
I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS.
GLORIA, I LOVE YOU.
I REALIZE HOW LONELY YOU ARE.
CAN'T WE GO SOMEPLACE
WHERE WE CAN BE BY OURSELVES ?
WHAT CAN THIS MUG OFFER YOU ?
WEALTH AND FAMILY ?
I CAN'T GIVE YOU WEALTH,
BUT... WE CAN HAVE A LITTLE FAMILY OF OUR OWN.
OH, RUFUS !
ALL I CAN OFFER YOU IS
A "ROOFUS" OVER YOUR HEAD.
YOUR EXCELLENCY, I REALLY
DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
I WOULDN'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY
IF I WAS IN YOUR PLACE. MAYBE YOU CAN SUGGEST SOMETHING.
YOU DO SUGGEST SOMETHING. TO ME YOU SUGGEST A BABOON.
WHAT ?
I'M SORRY I SAID THAT.
IT ISN'T FAIR TO THE REST OF THE BABOONS.
THIS MAN'S CONDUCT
IS INEXCUSABLE !
GENTLEMEN !
I DID NOT COME HERE TO BE INSULTED.
YOU SWINE !
COME AGAIN ?
YOU WORM !
ONCE MORE.
YOU UPSTART !
THAT'S IT !
Touche.
I'M AFRAID THIS REGRETTABLE OCCURRENCE...
MAY PLUNGE OUR COUNTRIES INTO WAR.
THIS IS TERRIBLE !
I'VE SAID ENOUGH.
I'M A MAN OF FEW WORDS.
I'M A MAN OF ONE WORD.
SCRAM !
A MAN DOESN'T LIVE WHO CAN
CALL A FIREFLY AN UPSTART.
THE MAYFLOWER WAS FULL
OF FIREFLYS... AND A FEW HORSEFLIES TOO.
THE FIREFLYS WERE
ON THE UPPER DECK...
AND THE HORSEFLIES
WERE ON THE FIREFLYS.
GOOD DAY, MY SWEET.
YOUR EXCELLENCY, I MUST SPEAK TO YOU !
I'LL SEE YOU AT THE THEATER.
I'LL HOLD YOUR SEAT 'TIL YOU GET THERE.
AFTER YOU GET THERE, YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN.
HIS EXCELLENCY'S CAR.
HIS EXCELLENCY'S CAR !
NO, YOU DON'T.
I'M NOT TAKING ANY MORE CHANCES.
YOU CAN ONLY FOOL
A FIREFLY TWICE. YOU RIDE IN THE SIDECAR.
THIS IS THE ONLY WAY
TO TRAVEL.
HEY, PINKY,
COME HERE.
WATCH-A THE STAND.
COME ON, PASTRAMI.
[ Silence ]
[ Whistling ]
[ Gasp ]
OH !
HEY !
HEY WHAT'S --
WHAT'S THE MATTER ?
I DEEPLY REGRET
THE UNFORTUNATE AFFAIR WITH HIS EXCELLENCY,
BUT HIS ATTITUDE LEFT ME
NO ALTERNATIVE.
MAYBE WE CAN STILL AVOID THIS TERRIBLE WAR.
IF WE ONLY COULD.
OH YES, I --
AH !
MRS. TEASDALE, I HAVE BEEN
RECALLED BY MY PRESIDENT.
THEN IT'S TOO LATE ?
NOT IF HIS EXCELLENCY WILL LISTEN TO REASON.
I AM PREPARED TO POCKET
MY PRIDE AND FORGET THE MATTER... IF HE IS.
THAT'S WONDERFUL BUT
I'M AFRAID HIS EXCELLENCY WON'T HEAR OF IT.
PERHAPS HE WILL
LISTEN TO YOU !
DO YOU THINK SO ?
YES, OF COURSE !
I'LL CALL HIM.
OH !
[ Ringing ]
I HATE TO DISTURB YOU,
BUT I MUST SEE YOU
AT ONCE.
WHERE ARE YOU ?
OH.
WHY NOT COME OVER HERE ?
COME IN THE BACK WAY. NO ONE WILL SEE YOU.
IF YOU THINK OF IT,
BRING SOME CHEESE.
YOUR EXCELLENCY,
YOU MUST COME OVER.
IT'S A LONG STORY.
I CAN'T TELL IT TO YOU OVER THE PHONE.
OH, IT'S THAT KIND
OF A STORY !
YOU OUGHTA BE ASHAMED.
I'LL BE RIGHT OVER.
HE'LL BE RIGHT OVER.
WAIT OUTSIDE 'TIL I'VE HAD A CHANCE TO TALK TO HIM.
WE'LL BE OUT HERE
IF YOU WANT US.
OH !
HOW'D YOU GET IN HERE ?
I'M SO SORRY
TO HAVE TO DISTURB YOU !
WILL YOU EVER FORGIVE ME ?
AFTER I LEAVE TONIGHT, WILL YOU FORGIVE ME ?
HERE ARE
THE PLANS OF WAR.
THEY'RE AS VALUABLE
AS YOUR LIFE AND THAT'S PUTTING THEM PRETTY CHEAP.
WATCH THEM LIKE A CAT
WATCHES HER KITTENS. HAVE YOU EVER HAD KITTENS ?
NO, OF COURSE NOT.
YOU'RE TOO BUSY PLAYING BRIDGE.
CAN'T YOU SEE I'M TRYING
TO TELL YOU, "I LOVE YOU."
WHY DON'T YOU MARRY ME ?
WHY, MARRY YOU ?
YOU TAKE ME
AND I'LL TAKE A VACATION.
I'LL NEED A VACATION
IF WE'RE GOING TO GET MARRIED.
MARRIED ! I CAN SEE YOU
BENDING OVER A HOT STOVE BUT I CAN'T SEE THE STOVE !
COME, COME, SAY THE WORD
AND YOU'LL NEVER SEE ME AGAIN.
GLORIA.
RUFUS, WHAT ARE
YOU THINKING OF ?
OF ALL THE YEARS
I'VE WASTED COLLECTING STAMPS.
OH !
OH, I SUPPOSE YOU'LL THINK ME
A SENTIMENTAL OLD FLUFF,
BUT WOULD YOU MIND GIVING ME A LOCK OF YOUR HAIR ?
A LOCK OF MY HAIR ?
OH, I HAD NO IDEA --
I'M LETTING YOU OFF EASY.
I WAS GONNA ASK FOR THE WHOLE WIG.
SO YOU'VE COME TO ASK
FOR CLEMENCY ?
THE AMBASSADOR'S HERE
ON A FRIENDLY VISIT. HE'S HAD A CHANGE OF HEART.
A LOT OF GOOD THAT'LL DO HIM.
HE'S STILL GOT THE SAME FACE.
I'M SORRY WE LOST OUR
TEMPERS. I'M WILLING TO FORGET IF YOU ARE.
FORGET ?
YOU ASK ME TO FORGET ?
A FIREFLY NEVER FORGETS.
WHY, MY ANCESTORS WOULD RISE
FROM THEIR GRAVES AND I'D ONLY HAVE TO BURY THEM AGAIN.
I'M GOING BACK AND CLEAN
THE CRACKERS OUT OF MY BED. I'M EXPECTING COMPANY.
PLEASE WAIT.
LET GO OF ME, YOU BULLY !
I'M WILLING TO DO ANYTHING
TO PREVENT THIS WAR.
IT'S TOO LATE.
I'VE ALREADY PAID A MONTH'S RENT ON THE BATTLEFIELD.
OH, YOUR EXCELLENCY,
ISN'T THERE SOMETHING I CAN DO ?
YES, BUT I'LL TALK TO YOU
ABOUT THAT LATER.
WON'T YOU RECONSIDER ?
PLEASE RELENT FOR MY SAKE.
WELL, MAYBE I AM
A LITTLE HEADSTRONG.
I COME BY IT HONESTLY. MY
FATHER WAS A LITTLE HEADSTRONG.
MY MOTHER WAS
A LITTLE ARMSTRONG.
THE HEADSTRONGS
MARRIED THE ARMSTRONGS AND THAT'S WHY DARKIES WERE BORN.
IT WAS SILLY OF ME
TO LOSE MY TEMPER...
ON ACCOUNT OF THAT
LITTLE THING YOU CALLED ME.
LITTLE THING I CALLED YOU ?
WHAT DID I CALL YOU ?
GOSH, I DON'T EVEN
REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS.
WELL, DO YOU MEAN "WORM" ?
NO, THAT WASN'T IT.
I KNOW, "SWINE."
UH-UH.
NO, IT WAS A
SEVEN LETTER WORD.
OH YES, "UPSTART."
THAT'S IT. UPSTART.
MRS. TEASDALE,
THIS MAN IS IMPOSSIBLE.
MY COURSE IS CLEAR. THIS MEANS WAR !
OH !
YOU RUNT !
I STILL LIKE UPSTART THE BEST.
I SHAN'T STAY.
GO AND NEVER DARKEN MY TOWELS AGAIN !
MY HAT !
MY TOWEL !
I HAPPEN TO KNOW...
THAT FREEDONIA'S
PLANS OF WAR ARE IN MRS. TEASDALES POSSESSION.
I MUST GET HOLD OF THEM.
YES, BUT HOW ?
WE HAVE A WEEKEND GUEST
IN MRS. TEASDALE'S HOUSE.
MISS MARCAL.
GENTLEMEN, DO YOU MIND
WAITING FOR ME OUTSIDE ? I'LL JOIN YOU IN A MOMENT.
[ Ringing ]
EXCUSE ME.
HELLO ?
YES, I AM ALONE.
NO, NOT YET.
WE'VE GOT TO WORK FAST.
YOU MUST GET HOLD OF THOSE PLANS TONIGHT.
CHICOLINI AND HIS PARTNER
SHOULD BE THERE ANY MINUTE. DO EVERYTHING TO HELP THEM.
I MUST BE VERY CAREFUL.
THERE IS ANOTHER GUEST.
FIREFLY.
I THINK HE IS ASLEEP.
RING THE BELL.
[ Loud Ringing ]
PUSH THE BUTTON.
[ Doorbell ]
[ Doorbell ]
[ Doorbell ]
YOU GOTTA THE PLANS ?
NO, BUT THEY'RE SOMEWHERES IN THE HOUSE.
YOU MUST FIND THEM.
WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T MAKE A SOUND.
IF YOU'RE FOUND, YOU'RE LOST.
YOU CRAZ', HOW CAN I BE LOST IF I'M FOUND ?
GOT A FLASHLIGHT ?
SHH ! SHH !
YOU DON'T KNOW HOW
SERIOUS THIS IS.
IF THEY CATCH YOU, YOU'LL
BE COURT-MARTIALED AND SHOT.
[ Mrs. Teasdale ]
OH, VERA !
I MUST GO BEFORE
SHE LOOKS FOR ME.
REMEMBER,
WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T MAKE A SOUND.
[ Chiming ]
[ Music Box ]
[ Ringing ]
[ Piano ]
[ Piano, Music Box, Ringing ]
[ Noises Stop ]
YOU STAY HERE,
BUT KEEP QUIET.
IF WE GET CAUGHT,
WE'RE GONNA GET, UH, COURT-PLASTERED.
[ Ringing ]
YOUR EXCELLENCY,
I'M WORRIED. I CAN'T SLEEP.
WHAT ? YOU'RE WORRIED ?
YOU CAN'T SLEEP ?
YOU WOKE ME UP.
NOW I CAN'T SLEEP.
IT'S ABOUT THOSE PLANS.
I WON'T REST UNTIL THEY'RE BACK IN YOUR HANDS.
WON'T YOU COME OVER
AND GET THEM ?
OH, THE PLANS.
I'LL BE RIGHT OVER.
LET ME OUT !
LET ME OUT !
[ Pounding ]
LET ME OUTTA HERE !
HEY, LET ME OUTTA HERE
OR THROW ME A MAGAZINE.
[ Pounding ]
SO THAT'S YOUR GAME, EH ?
I'LL HUFF AND I'LL PUFF...
AND I'LL BLOW YOUR DOOR IN.
[ Blowing ]
[ Knocking ]
COME IN.
OH, YOUR EXCELLENCY,
I'M SO GLAD YOU'VE COME.
I'M GLAD I COME TOO.
YOU GOTTA THE PLANS ?
WHY, YOUR EXCELLENCY,
YOU SOUND SO STRANGE. WHY ARE YOU TALKING LIKE THAT ?
YOU SEE, MAYBE SOMETIME
I GO TO ITALY AND I'M PRACTICIN' THE LANGUAGE.
[ Pounding ]
I'LL SEE MY LAWYER
ABOUT THIS AS SOON AS HE GRADUATES FROM LAW SCHOOL.
[ Pounding ]
YOUR DIALECT IS PERFECT.
I COULD LISTEN TO YOU ALL NIGHT.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT, BUT I
CAN'T STAY HERE ALL NIGHT.
WHERE'S THE PLANS ?
THEY'RE IN THE SAFE DOWNSTAIRS. I'LL WRITE OUT THE COMBINATION.
OH, THERE YOU ARE.
HERE'S THE COMBINATION. IS THAT CLEAR ?
IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE
YOU WANT TO KNOW ?
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU ?
HAVE YOU LOST YOUR VOICE ?
[ Honk, Honk ]
LET ME GET YOU A GLASS OF WATER,
YOUR EXCELLENCY.
YOUR EXCELLENCY,
HERE'S YOUR WATER !
WHAT IN THE WORLD'S
THE MATTER ?
YOUR EXCELLENCY,
I THOUGHT YOU LEFT.
OH NO, I NO LEAVE.
BUT I SAW YOU WITH MY OWN EYES.
WHO YA GONNA BELIEVE, ME OR YOUR OWN EYES ?
OH.
YOUR EXCELLENCY, I'M SORRY,
BUT THIS EXCITEMENT'S TOO MUCH FOR ME.
I FEEL FAINT.
WAIT, I GET YOU A GLASS OF WATER.
[ Pounding ]
[ Knocking ]
HOW ABOUT MY GLASS OF WATER ?
I GIVE UP. HOW ABOUT YOUR GLASS OF WATER ?
[ Radio ]
- [ Crash ]
- WHAT'S THAT ?
SOUNDS TO ME LIKE MICE.
MICE ? MICE DON'T PLAY MUSIC.
NO ? HOW ABOUT THE OLD MAESTRO ?
OH !
[ Crashing ]
GET ME HEADQUARTERS.
NOT HINDQUARTERS, HEADQUARTERS.
HELLO ? RUSH THE GUARDS
TO MRS. TEASDALE'S AND HAVE 'EM SURROUND THE HOUSE.
[ Fanfare ]
HIS EXCELLENCY,
RUFUS T. FIREFLY.
HAIL, HAIL
FREEDONIA
LAND OF THE BRAVE
AND FREE
LIEUTENANT, WHY WEREN'T
THE ORIGINAL INDICTMENT PAPERS PLACED IN MY PORTFOLIO ?
I DIDN'T THINK THOSE
PAPERS WERE IMPORTANT, YOUR EXCELLENCY.
YOU DIDN'T THINK
THEY WERE IMPORTANT ?
YOU REALIZE I HAD MY DESSERT
WRAPPED IN THOSE PAPERS ?
TAKE THIS BOTTLE BACK.
YOU CAN GET TWO CENTS FOR IT.
HELLO, BOSS.
CHICOLINI, I BET YOU
EIGHT TO ONE WE FIND YOU GUILTY.
THAT'S-A NO GOOD.
I CAN GET TEN TO ONE AT THE BARBERSHOP.
CHICOLINI, YOU'RE
CHARGED WITH HIGH TREASON. IF FOUND GUILTY, YOU'LL BE SHOT.
I OBJECT.
YOU OBJECT ?
ON WHAT GROUNDS ?
I COULDN'T THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE TO SAY.
- OBJECTION SUSTAINED.
- YOU SUSTAINED THE OBJECTION ?
SURE, I COULDN'T THINK
OF ANYTHING ELSE TO SAY EITHER.
WHEN WERE YOU BORN ?
I DON'T REMEMBER.
I WAS JUST A LITTLE BABY.
ISN'T IT TRUE YOU TRIED
TO SELL FREEDONIA'S SECRET WAR CODE AND PLANS ?
SURE, I SOLD A CODE
AND TWO PAIR OF PLANS.
SOME JOKE, EH, BOSS ?
I'LL BET YA TO ONE
WE FIND YA GUILTY.
HAVE YOU ANYONE HERE
TO DEFEND YOU ?
IT'S-A NO USE.
I EVEN OFFERED TO PAY AS HIGH AS $ .
BUT I NO COULD GETTA
SOMEBODY TO DEFEND ME.
MY FRIENDS, THIS MAN'S
CASE MOVES ME DEEPLY.
LOOK AT CHICOLINI,
HE SITS THERE ALONE.
AN ABJECT FIGURE.
I "ABJECT" !
I SAY, LOOK AT CHICOLINI,
HE SITS THERE ALONE, A PITIABLE OBJECT.
LET'S SEE YA GET
OUTTA THAT ONE. SURROUNDED BY A SEA OF UNFRIENDLY FACES.
CHICOLINI, GIVE ME
A NUMBER FROM ONE TO TEN.
ELEVEN.
RIGHT !
NOW I ASK YOU ONE.
WHAT IS IT HAS A TRUNK, BUT NO KEY,
WEIGHS POUNDS
AND LIVES IN A CIRCUS ?
THAT'S IRRELEVANT.
"RELEPHANT" !
HEY, THAT'S THE ANSWER.
THERE'S A WHOLE LOT OF RELEPHANTS IN A CIRCUS.
THAT SORT OF TESTIMONY
WE CAN ELIMINATE.
- THAT'S-A FINE, I'LL TAKE SOME.
- YOU'LL TAKE WHAT ?
ELIMINATE, A NICE,
COLD GLASS OF ELIMINATE.
HEY, BOSS,
I'M GOIN' GOOD.
GENTLEMEN, CHICOLINI HERE
MAY TALK LIKE AN IDIOT AND LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT.
BUT DON'T LET THAT FOOL YOU.
HE REALLY IS AN IDIOT.
I IMPLORE YOU.
SEND HIM BACK TO HIS FATHER AND BROTHERS...
WHO ARE WAITING
FOR HIM WITH OPEN ARMS IN THE PENITENTIARY.
I SUGGEST WE GIVE HIM
TEN YEARS IN LEAVENWORTH OR YEARS IN TWELVEWORTH.
I'LL TAKE
FIVE AND TEN IN WOOLWORTH.
I WANTED TO GET A WRIT OF
HABEAS CORPUS, BUT I SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN A WRIT OF YOU.
I OBJECT.
EVEN I OBJECT.
- I OBJECT TOO.
- YOU'RE ON TRIAL, YOU CAN'T.
YOUR EXCELLENCY,
GENERAL COOPER SAYS...
THAT THE SYLVANIAN TROOPS
ARE ABOUT TO LAND ON FREEDONIAN SOIL.
THIS MEANS WAR !
SOMETHING MUST BE DONE.
WAR WOULD MEAN A PROHIBITIVE
INCREASE IN OUR TAXES.
HEY, I GOT AN UNCLE LIVES IN TAXES.
NO !
I'M TALKING ABOUT
TAXES, MONEY, DOLLARS.
DOLLAS ! THAT'S WHERE
MY UNCLE LIVES, DOLLAS, TAXES.
[ Laughing ]
[ Fanfare ]
MORE BAD NEWS.
DIDN'T I TELL YA ?
YOUR EXCELLENCY.
WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND, BABE ?
ON BEHALF OF THE WOMEN OF FREEDONIA,
I HAVE TAKEN IT UPON MYSELF
TO MAKE ONE FINAL EFFORT TO PREVENT WAR.
NO KIDDING ?
I'VE TALKED TO AMBASSADOR TRENTINO.
HE SAYS SYLVANIA
DOESN'T WANT WAR EITHER.
"EITHER."
DOESN'T WANT WAR "EITHER."
EITHER.
SKIP IT.
I'VE TAKEN THE LIBERTY
OF ASKING THE AMBASSADOR TO COME OVER HERE.
WE BOTH FELT A FRIENDLY
CONFERENCE WOULD SETTLE EVERYTHING PEACEFULLY.
HE'LL BE HERE
ANY MOMENT.
MRS. TEASDALE,
YOU DID A NOBLE DEED.
I'D BE UNWORTHY OF
THE HIGH TRUST THAT'S BEEN PLACED IN ME...
IF I DIDN'T DO EVERYTHING
WITHIN MY POWER TO KEEP OUR FREEDONIA AT PEACE.
I'D BE ONLY TOO HAPPY TO
MEET AMBASSADOR TRENTINO...
AND OFFER HIM ON BEHALF
OF MY COUNTRY THE RIGHT HAND OF GOOD FELLOWSHIP.
I FEEL SURE HE WILL ACCEPT
THIS GESTURE IN THE SPIRIT IN WHICH IT IS OFFERED.
BUT SUPPOSE HE DOESN'T.
A FINE THING THAT'LL BE.
I HOLD OUT MY HAND AND
HE REFUSES TO ACCEPT IT.
THAT'LL ADD A LOT TO
MY PRESTIGE, WON'T IT ?
ME, THE HEAD OF A COUNTRY,
SNUBBED BY A FOREIGN AMBASSADOR !
WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS
THAT HE CAN COME HERE...
AND MAKE A SAP OUT OF ME
IN FRONT OF MY PEOPLE ?
THINK OF IT.
I HOLD OUT MY HAND...
AND THAT HYENA
REFUSES TO ACCEPT IT.
WHY, THE CHEAP
FOUR-FLUSHING SWINE !
HE'LL NEVER GET AWAY WITH IT,
I TELL YOU !
OH, PLEASE !
SO, YOU REFUSE TO SHAKE
HANDS WITH ME, EH ?
MRS. TEASDALE, THIS IS
THE LAST STRAW ! THERE'S NO TURNING BACK NOW !
THIS MEANS WAR !
THEN IT'S WAR !
THEN IT'S WAR !
GATHER THE FORCES !
HARNESS THE HORSES !
THEN IT'S WAR !
- FREEDONIA'S GOING TO WAR
- EACH SON WILL GRAB A GUN
- AND RUN AWAY TO WAR
- AT LAST WE'RE GOING TO
FEET WILL BEAT ALONG
THE STREET TO WAR
- WE'RE GOING TO WAR
- OUR COUNTRY'S GOING TO WAR
- OUR COUNTRY'S GOING TO WAR
- THE COUNTRY'S GOING TO WAR
WE'RE GOING TO WAR
THIS IS A FACT WE CAN'T IGNORE
WE'RE GOING TO WAR, THIS IS
A FACT WE CAN'T IGNORE WE'RE GOING TO WAR
IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T HEARD
THEY THINK WE'RE GOING TO WAR
WE'RE GOING TO WAR
I THINK THEY THINK WE'RE GOING TO WAR
WE'RE GOING TO WAR
GOING TO WAR
- WE'RE GOING TO WAR
- WE'RE GOING TO WAR
[ Drums ]
TO WAR, TO WAR
WE'RE FINALLY GOING TO WAR
HI-DE, HI-DE
HI-DE, HI-DE HO
TO WAR, TO WAR
TO WAR WE'RE GONNA GO
HI-DE, HI-DE
HI-DE, HI-DE HO
HI-DE, HI-DE
HI-DE, HI-DE HO
HI-DE, HI-DE
HI-DE, HI-DE HO
HI-DE, HI-DE
HI-DE, HI-DE HO
OH, OH
OH, OH, OH
OH, OH
OH, OH, OH
OH, OH
OH, OH
THEY GOT GUNS
WE GOT GUNS
ALL GOD'S CHILDREN
GOT GUNS
WE'RE GONNA WALK ALL OVER
THE BATTLEFIELD
'CAUSE ALL GOD'S
CHILDREN GOT GUNS
OH FREEDONIA
OH DON'T YOU CRY FOR ME
'CAUSE I'M COMING
'ROUND THE MOUNTAIN WITH A BANJO ON MY KNEE
OH FREEDONIA
OH DON'T YOU CRY FOR ME
'CAUSE I'M COMING
'ROUND THE MOUNTAIN
WITH A BANJO
ON MY
[ Cheering ]
[ Fanfare ]
TO WAR, TO WAR
TO WAR WE'RE GONNA GO
TO WAR, TO WAR
TO WAR
TO WAR, TO WAR
WE SOON WILL SAY GOOD-BYE
HOW WE'LL CRY FOR FIREFLY
IF FIREFLY SHOULD DIE
A MIGHTY MAN IS HE
A MAN OF BRAWN WHO'LL CARRY ON
'TIL DAWN OF VICTORY
WITH HIM TO LEAD THE WAY
OUR SPIRITS WILL NOT LAG
UNTIL THE JUDGMENT DAY
WE'LL RALLY 'ROUND THE FLAG
THE FLAG, THE FLAG
THE FLAG
THERE'LL BE TWO LAMPS
IN THE STEEPLE IF BY LAND AND ONE IF BY SEA.
THEY DOUBLE-CROSSED ME.
THEY'RE COMING BY LAND AND SEA !
RIDE THROUGH EVERY VILLAGE.
WAKE EVERY CITIZEN UP.
TELL 'EM THE ENEMY COMES FROM
AFAR WITH A HEY NONNY-NONNY AND A HA-CHA-CHA !
BE OFF, MY LAD !
[ Bugle ]
MY HUSBAND !
HIDE IN THERE !
OH, DON'T.
FREEDONIA'S GOING TO WAR !
I'M GONNA TAKE A BATH.
[ Honk ]
[ Honk ]
- [ Honk ]
- [ Bugle ]
[ Explosions ]
CLEAR ALL WIRES.
THE ENEMY HAS CAPTURED HILL AND ...
THROWING HILLBILLIES
OUT OF WORK.
LAST NIGHT TWO SNIPERS
CREPT INTO OUR MACHINE-GUN NEST AND LAID AN EGG.
SEND REINFORCEMENTS.
SEND THAT OFF COLLECT.
YOUR EXCELLENCY,
OUR MEN ARE BEING BADLY BEATEN IN OPEN WARFARE.
I SUGGEST WE DIG TRENCHES.
DIG TRENCHES ?
WITH OUR MEN BEING KILLED
OFF LIKE FLIES THERE ISN'T TIME TO DIG TRENCHES.
WE'LL BUY READY-MADE. HERE, GET SOME TRENCHES.
YES, SIR.
WAIT A MINUTE, GET 'EM
THIS HIGH AND OUR SOLDIERS WON'T NEED ANY PANTS.
YES, SIR.
WAIT A MINUTE.
GET 'EM THIS HIGH AND WE WON'T NEED ANY SOLDIERS.
YES, SIR.
YOUR PARTNER'S DESERTED US,
BUT I'M STILL COUNTING ON YOU.
THERE'S A MACHINE-GUN
NEST NEAR HILL .
I WANT IT CLEANED OUT.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL TELL THE JANITOR.
MESSAGE FROM
THE FRONT, SIR.
I'M SICK OF MESSAGES
FROM THE FRONT. DON'T WE EVER GET A MESSAGE FROM THE SIDE ?
WHAT IS IT ?
GENERAL SMITH REPORTS A GAS ATTACK.
HE WANTS TO KNOW WHAT TO DO.
TAKE SODA AND WATER.
YES, SIR.
[ Explosions ]
ANY ANSWER TO THAT MESSAGE ?
NO, SIR.
IN THAT CASE,
DON'T SEND IT.
[ Bomb Whining ]
GENTLEMEN, THIS IS
THE LAST STRAW.
WHERE'S MY STRADIVARIUS ?
HERE, SIR.
I'LL SHOW 'EM THEY
CAN'T FIDDLE AROUND WITH OLD FIREFLY.
LOOK AT 'EM RUN. NOW THEY KNOW THEY'VE BEEN IN A WAR.
YOUR EXCELLENCY !
[ Imitating Machine Gun ] THEY'RE FLEEING LIKE RATS !
SIR, I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU --
REMIND ME TO GIVE MYSELF
THE FIREFLY MEDAL FOR THIS. [ Gunshots ]
YOU'RE SHOOTING YOUR OWN MEN.
WHAT ?
YOU'RE SHOOTING
YOUR OWN MEN !
HERE'S FIVE DOLLARS.
KEEP IT UNDER YOUR HAT. I'LL KEEP IT UNDER MY HAT.
WE'VE GOT TO HAVE MORE MEN OR WE'RE LOST.
I'VE GOT A MAN...
COMBING THE COUNTRY
FOR VOLUNTEERS.
YOUR EXCELLENCY,
THE ARMY'S MORALE IS CRUMBLING. THE MEN ARE BREAKING RANKS.
WHERE'S THE SECRETARY OF WAR ?
WHERE IS THE SECRETARY OF WAR ?
THE SOLDIERS ARE
WAITING FOR HIS ORDERS.
THE SECRETARY OF WAR.
AWFULLY DECENT OF
YOU TO DROP IN TODAY.
YOU REALIZE OUR ARMY IS
FACING DISASTROUS DEFEAT ?
WHAT DO YOU INTEND TO DO ?
I'VE DONE IT ALREADY.
YOU'VE DONE WHAT ?
I'VE CHANGED TO THE OTHER SIDE.
SO YOU'RE ON THE OTHER
SIDE, EH ? WHAT ARE YOU DOING OVER HERE ?
THE FOOD IS
BETTER OVER HERE.
[ Crashing, Exploding ]
CHICOLINI, I NEED YOU.
WHAT'LL YOU TAKE TO WORK FOR ME AGAIN ?
I'LL TAKE A VACATION.
GOOD, YOU'RE HIRED.
NOW, GO OUT IN
THAT BATTLEFIELD AND LEAD THOSE MEN TO VICTORY.
GO ON, THEY'RE
WAITING FOR YOU.
I WOULDN'T GO THERE UNLESS I
WAS IN ONE OF THOSE IRON THINGS. WHAT DO YOU CALL THOSE THINGS ?
TANKS.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
YOU MUST COME HERE AT ONCE.
THERE'S DANGER HERE.
COME HERE.
THERE'S NO DANGER HERE.
SHH !
RUFUS !
OH !
WAIT A MINUTE, I WANT
TO FIND OUT SOMETHING.
JUST AS I THOUGHT,
THE COAST IS CLEAR.
CHICOLINI, TO YOUR POST !
OH !
REMEMBER, YOU'RE FIGHTING FOR
THIS WOMAN'S HONOR WHICH IS PROBABLY MORE THAN SHE EVER DID.
YOUR EXCELLENCY !
THERE GOES MY GUN.
RUN OUT AND GET THAT LIKE A GOOD GIRL.
OH, I'M AFRAID.
WE CAN'T LAST MUCH LONGER. OUR AMMUNITION SUPPLIES ARE LOW.
MAN THE BOATS !
CALLING ALL NATIONS !
CALLING ALL NATIONS !
THIS IS RUFUS T. --
THIS IS RUFUS T. FIREFLY
COMIN' TO YOU THROUGH THE COURTESY OF THE ENEMY.
[ Firefly ]
WE'RE IN A MESS, FOLKS !
RUSH TO FREEDONIA.
THREE MEN AND ONE WOMAN ARE TRAPPED IN A BUILDING.
SEND HELP AT ONCE.
IF YOU CAN'T SEND HELP, SEND TWO MORE WOMEN.
MAKE IT THREE MORE WOMEN.
WE CAN'T HOLD OUT !
WE MUST HAVE HELP.
[ Explosions ]
ONE OF US HAS TO GET WORD
TO GENERAL COOPER.
QUIET BACK THERE.
WHICH ONE OF US IS GONNA
HAVE THE PRIVILEGE OF SACRIFICING HIS LIFE ?
WE DRAW LOTS.
WAIT ! I GOT IT.
RRRINGSPOT, VONZA, TWOZA,
ZIG-ZAG-ZAV, POPTI, VINAGA.
HAREM, SCAREM, MERCHAN,
TAREM, TEIR, TORE --
I DID IT WRONG.
WAIT, WAIT, I START HERE.
RRRINGSPOT, VONZA, TWOZA,
ZIG-ZAG-ZAV, POPTI, VINAGA.
HAREM, SCAREM, MERCHAN,
TAREM, TEIR, TORE --
THAT'S NO GOOD TOO.
I GOT IT !
RRRINGSPOT, BUCK !
YOU'RE A BRAVE MAN.
GO AND BREAK THROUGH THE LINES.
REMEMBER WHILE YOU'RE OUT
THERE RISKING LIFE AND LIMB,
WE'LL BE IN HERE THINKING
WHAT A SUCKER YOU ARE.
GOOD-BYE, MONT BLANC,
GOOD-BYE.
FOR FREEDONIA !
FOR FREEDONIA !
[ Bomb Whining ]
GLORIA ! GLORIA ! WHERE DID THEY GET YOU ?
[ Groaning ]
CAREFUL WITH THE WATER.
IT'S THE ONLY WATER WE GOT.
WELL, IT'S THE ONLY WOMAN
WE GOT.
WE'RE SURROUNDED !
THEY'RE ATTACKING FROM THE REAR.
THEY'RE COMING THIS WAY.
WE'LL BARRICADE THE DOOR.
THIS IS FIREFLY ! SEND HELP AT ONCE !
HELP IS ON THE WAY !
CARRY ON, MEN !
HELP IS ON THE WAY !
[ Sirens ]
[ Cheering ]
THEY GOT ME.
THEY GOT ME. WATER !
WATER !
GET ME OUTTA THIS !
THE LAST TIME
THIS HAPPENED I WAS CRAWLING UNDER A BED.
OH, IF HELP
WOULD ONLY COME !
YOUR EXCELLENCY ?
ANY MAIL FOR ME
WHILE I WAS GONE ?
GET AWAY FROM ME !
OH ! OH !
HEY, TRENTINO !
TRENTINO, EH ?
THAT'S GAME.
TRENTINO !
TRENTINO, EH ? CALL ME AN UPSTART.
I SURRENDER !
I SURRENDER !
SORRY, YOU'LL HAVE TO WAIT
'TIL THE FRUIT RUNS OUT.
VICTORY IS OURS !
HAIL, HAIL
FREEDONIA
LAND OF
THE BRAVE