Voila! Finally, the A Fish Called Wanda
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Kevin Kline, John
Cleese, and Jamie Lee Curtis movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of A Fish Called Wanda. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
And on that point,
members of the jury, I rest my case.
Hello, Wanda.
- Hi, Ken.
- Hello, W-W-Wanda.
Ken... this is Otto.
Hello. Wanda's told me a lot about you.
Hey! Great fish!
A little squeeze of lemon,
some tartare sauce-perfect!
George back yet?
No. He had to g-g-go to the b-b-b...
What?
That's quite a stutter
you've got there, Ken.
It's all right, it doesn't bother me.
So George needs a weapons man, eh?
A cup of tea, Ken?
Y-y-y...
Yeah. He'd like one.
I had a good friend in the CIA
had a stutter. Cost him his life.
Hi, George.
Hello, George. Get you a Scotch?
Yeah.
George... this is Otto.
So, you're Wanda's brother.
It's good to be here, George.
England is a fine country.
She tell you what we need?
Something like that?
Something like that.
Hello, Wendy.
Had a good day?
I spend the morning trying
to get a waste-disposal man,
have lunch with Marjorie, who kept
complaining about her husband,
then I have to play
three rubbers with Philippa.
And now Sanderson's
have sent the wrong flowers.
Oh, no!
- Would you like some tea?
- Yes.
- I won the case.
- This is my first moment of peace all day.
- Hello, Portia. How was the show?
- Awful. I've got to have a new horse.
- I thought you liked Phantom.
- He's not fit for dog meat.
- Can I change him? It won't cost much.
- Oughtn't we to ask...
I thought you were making tea, Archie.
I'd better do it.
- Let me do it.
- No, I'll do it!
- I won the case.
- Oh! Now this is cracked.
They're worth about each.
There are of them.
That makes millions, my friends.
- Dollars or pounds?
- Pounds, pet.
This is the big one. So...
OK.
Yeah.
Otto?
- Yes?
- OK?
- What?
- The plan.
Yeah. Great. No problem.
What was the middle thing,
about the police?
We don't meet up
at Heathrow until Tuesday...
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- I haven't finished yet.
Because the police will watch
all the airports for hours.
I know. I know.
Do you want m-m-me to g-g-get a b-b-big
c-c-car?
Yes, Ken. A limo, OK?
And put diplomatic plates on it, right?
- What if he has to speak in the break-in?
- Nobody says anything during a break-in.
It's OK, Otto. Ken's good.
So next week we won't
have to look for work.
And it won't have to look for us.
Oscar Wilde.
You really like animals, don't you, Ken?
What's the attraction?
Because you can t-t-trust them,
and they don't sh-sh-sh...
- Shit on you?
- Show off all the time.
Know what Nietzsche said about them?
He said they were God's second blunder.
Bye, sis.
Well, you t-tell him from me that l-l-I...
Bye, George.
- If you talk to Mom, tell her I said hi.
- OK.
- Don't let him touch you.
- One more day, we're together.
I'm sorry about my brother, Ken.
I know he's insensitive.
He's had a hard life.
Dad used to beat him up.
Good.
Anybody moves and you're dead!
Look where you're going! Chauvinist pig!
Really! People here just think
they own the pavement!
That was fun. I love robbing the English.
They're so polite.
- The d-d-d...
- What is it, Ken?
- The dog!
- We didn't hit the dog, Ken. It's OK.
- $ million, he worries about an insect.
- It's not an-an-an...
- Stutter's not getting any better, is it?
- Shut up!
Shut up!
Ken?
Bye.
- Let's split.
- Heathrow, Tuesday.
- Lie low. No celebrating.
- No celebrating?
- See you in a couple of hours.
- OK. Bye.
- To million.
- To a job well done.
To us.
To the best
brother-and-sister team since...
Romeo and Juliet?
Do you believe those cockney klutzes
bought our story? What morons!
- I want you to know something.
- What?
Even if you were my brother,
I'd still want to fuck you.
- Make the call.
- Momento, carissima.
No. No Italian!
Hey!
Per cominciare, due insalate verdicon peperoni e un linguini primavera.
No. Make the call, Otto.
- Are you really Italian?
- Absolutamente. Sì.
My name is Otto. It means eight.
Say arrivederci a Giorgio.
- Bye, George.
- Could you give me the police...
Otto!
Yes, hello.
I thought it might interest you to know
that the Hatton Garden robbery
today was pulled off
by a Mr George Thomason, who lives at
Flat Kipling Mansions, Murray Road, London, West .
Wanda?
Police! Open up!
Come on, open up!
Open the door, or we'll knock it down.
George Francis Thomason?
Passport, tickets...
money.
Asshole!
- We're rich, Wanda.
- Yep?
I bet these last two weeks with me have
been the most exciting weeks of your life.
You said it.
OK.
OK.
I'm disappointed!
Son of a bitch!
What do you have to do in this life
to make people trust you?
Shut up.
- People always take advantage of me.
- Shut up and think. Where's he moved it?
- What are you doing?
- I'm thinking!
Thinking what I'll do to him.
First, I'll hang him up with piano wire...
- Where are you going?
- To talk to him.
Then...
Talk to who? Talk to who?!
So while installing windows
for your parents,
you were kneeling on the floor
where there was broken glass?
- That's right, sir.
- And your parents can confirm this?
Yes. And his aunt, Georgina Thomason.
Good, Bartlett.
Yes?
Sorry to interrupt you, sir.
- Thomason, lady to see you.
- Anything else?
- No. You don't have to dash off, do you?
- No, absolutely not. George?
Ken's got the fish food. He'll be in later.
- Thanks.
- De nada.
- What do you think?
- We may be all right on the glass.
But what else are they
gonna come up with?
Oh, George! Oh, my God,
I can't believe this is happening!
That's not allowed in here, miss.
- Are you OK?
- It's all right.
I don't think I can handle this. I was
so afraid to go to sleep last night, I...
Leave it out. Leave it out, OK?
Now listen, listen, listen, listen. Listen.
You stayed at my place.
We slept late. You made me breakfast.
What?
- What's he doing here?
- He wanted to see you.
Who did it, George? Kevin Delaney?
Want me to rub him out?
Anything. You name it.
- I have friends making enquiries.
- Good.
The jewels are very safe.
If I get sent down, it all gets
handed back to cut my sentence.
Now, to cut my sentence even more,
I could tell them who done it with me,
if I wasn't very happy about everything.
What was the middle thing?
Piss off.
- You want me to spring you?
- Now!
George?
- You don't think...?
- Do you?
No!
No?
- No.
- OK.
- George?
- What?
Are you sure the garage is very safe?
Trust me.
Thank you very much.
Thanks a lot. Bye. Have a good day.
- So?
- Well, he's not sure it was you.
- What about you?
- He believes me. He can't figure out you.
- Figure out what?
- If you turned him in or not, stupid!
Don't, uh, ever, ever,
ever call me stupid. OK?
What?
That's George's lawyer.
The other guy must be the barrister.
- So?
- Trust me.
- Let me know if anything turns up.
- Yes.
Excuse me.
Don't I recognise you?
No. No, I don't think so.
But you are
a famous barrister, aren't you?
Er... well, hardly.
Well, could I have
your autograph anyway?
- Yes, yes. Certainly.
- Thanks.
I'm studying aspects of your legal system.
I'm American.
- Oh, really?
- I've just started, though. It's fascinating.
What, er, what brings you here?
Oh, it's a little embarrassing.
I... have a friend.
Oh! Oh, I see. Well, there you are.
I knew it! You're Archie Leash!
- Leach.
- Right!
I saw you in court. Uh, two weeks ago.
- The casino break-in?
- You were great!
Oh, I'm a big fan of yours.
I love the way you... cross-examine.
Oh, I really admire your work.
Thank you.
- I'd better not...
- I don't suppose you...? No. Fine.
Well...
Thank you for this. I'll treasure it.
Au revoir.
You speak French, too.
What's going on?
Whatever George decides to do,
he's gonna tell Leach first.
- Why?
- Because he's his lawyer.
- Yeah, yeah. I know that.
- So I'm gonna get to know Mr Leach.
George will tell him
where the diamonds are?
That's what I'm gonna find out.
You done well, my son.
Now, where are we going to hide it?
Very good! Don't tell Wanda anything.
Otto might get something out of her.
- Now...
- George...
You are gonna g-g-get off, aren't you?
Sure, don't worry about it, Ken.
We'll fix it. Now, anything on Otto?
Not yet.
You watch him.
Ken?
OK.
Looks like the police have been all over it.
Let me just change clothes,
and then I'll help you look.
Hello, K-K-Ken's p-p-pets.
Wake up! Wake up, limey fish!
So, how are you gonna
get friendly with this lawyer?
I don't know. I'll improvise.
Fucking insects!
I thought Englishmen didn't like women,
the way they talk.
No. He's straight. He's kinda cute,
too, in a pompous sort of way.
- You got the hots for him?
- I'm not into necrophilia.
What is this,
Hump a Limey Week suddenly?
Otto doesn't approve.
Otto might get jealous.
È molto pericoloso, signorina. Molto pericolo...
- Carissima.
- Oh, speak it. Speak it!
Un ossobuco milanese con piselli. Melanzane parmigiana con spinaci.
- Dov'è la farmacia?
- Yes, yes, yes!
- No, no, no.
- Sì, sì, sì.
No, no, no. No, not here.
- Otto, no.
- Dov'è la Fontana di Trevi?
- Not here, Otto!
- Um...
- Mozzarella.
- No! Not here.
- Parmigiana. Gorgonzola!
- Otto, no!
Wanda?
Look what I've got, Wanda.
Treasure!
Oh, Ken, it's you!
I thought it was the police again.
Isn't it horrible about George? Oh, Ken!
I've such a headache.
Could you pick me up some aspirin?
- What's that?
- My brother. He's using the bathroom.
- Otto?
- Mm. We just went and saw George.
Oh, it was horrible, Ken.
It was just horrible.
- Wh...
- Isn't it terrible about George?
When I find the bastard who squealed...!
I love that man!
What are you d-d-doing here?
What am I doing here?
Wanda was upset. She needed family.
Sh-sh-she just had a sh-sh-shower.
I've got to speak to you.
- Are you OK now, sis?
- I'm fine.
- Call me if you need me.
- OK. Thanks.
What's the matter?
Can't you think about her feelings?
- There's something f-f-funny going on.
- Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.
- You don't even know why you're excited.
- I saw...
Ken, Ken, Ken!
I didn't wanna say anything with George
here, but isn't it time you faced reality?
Come on!
You're a very attractive man, Ken.
You're smart. You've got...
wonderful bones, great eyes,
and you dress really interestingly.
- Wh-what...
- We could have fun together, you and I.
And I think we'd be really good
for each other. What do you say?
You must be j-j-j...
- May I kiss you?
- No, you fucking can't!
- Just a peck! No tongue! Ken!
- No!
Ken! OK. You didn't realise I was gay.
OK. No, look, I'm sorry.
I've handled this badly.
Look... the physical side can wait.
You need time.
But... will you think about it?
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
Ken, somebody just called!
They said that the police know
that the loot is in a garage in Fulham.
You and I have to go get it. You and I have
to go move it before the police find it.
- No, no, no.
- What?
- It's all right!
- What?
Ge-Ge-Ge...
George.
- M-m-m...
- Moved.
George moved the loot?!
Yes.
Where'd he move it, Ken?!
Where did he move it?!
C-c-c...
I don't know where it is. There's a key.
I don't know what it's for. It's in the...
Don't tell me.
It's better that you don't tell me.
Oh, you know, if it wasn't for George...
Otto...
tried to k-k-kiss me.
I thought he might.
No. Nothing, no marks at all.
- But it is a safety deposit box key?
- Oh, yes. But there are millions of them.
Hotels, banks, offices... Sorry.
Thank you.
Fuck!
That's him. That's him, Inspector.
He's the one who tried
to murder my dogs.
Davidson?
There's an American legal student wants
to see me. What time is Sir John due?
- Half-past twelve, sir.
- Right.
Come in.
- Hi.
- How very nice to see you.
- Am I interrupting?
- Absolutely not.
- Really?
- No, really. Delighted to see you.
Hello.
So... this is the place, huh?
- This is it.
- Very nice.
I was over at the courts this morning.
Boy, it's fascinating! So much to know.
Everybody wears these.
Do you wear one?
Ridiculous!
Well, um, I only have
a few minutes before... Sorry.
- But till then, I'm all yours.
- I just have a couple of questions.
I'm having a problem understanding
preliminary criminal procedures.
Good.
What exactly is the committal?
Ah, interesting. Well, basically,
it's a preliminary investigation
where the prosecution presents evidence
that the accused has a case to answer.
That's what the books say. Let's take, for
example... my friend George Thomason.
- Right.
- Now, when he goes into his committal...
Thomason?
- Yes.
- George Thomason?
Yes. Do you know him?
- I'm defending him.
- What are you talking about?
I'm his barrister. His lawyer.
That's so great!
That's so weird, though. Isn't that weird?
I'm so happy it's you that's defending him.
- Thank you.
- He's sure to get off now.
Wow! Well, I can watch you work now.
Please.
Amazing. Well, anyway, at the committal
George would then plead...?
- Not guilty.
- Really?
Oh, yes. The evidence
is largely circumstantial.
There was an identification, wasn't there?
Ah, true. But a very elderly lady.
I think they've got the wrong man.
- You don't think he did it?
- No.
Let's say, for argument's sake,
that you did think he did it.
Sure. If further evidence against
him came to light, for example.
Right, right. You would then
advise him to plead guilty,
and turn over the jewels
to get his sentence cut.
And he would turn them
over to who? To you?
- Theoretically?
- Oh, of course.
Um... Well, er...
I'm so sorry, I've forgotten your name.
- Wanda.
- Wanda! What a fool, what a fool.
Well, Wanda, there are really three...
Not Wanda Gershwitz?
- Yes.
- Oh, my God.
- What?
- You're his alibi.
- I can't talk to you.
- Why not?
My dear lady, you are a defence witness.
I must ask you to leave immediately.
- What did I say?
- It's not ethical for me to talk to a witness.
- Everybody does it in America.
- Not in England. It's forbidden.
I must insist, otherwise I may have
to give up the case. I'm sorry. Please?
Oh, Archie.
I didn't come here today to talk
about boring criminal procedures.
Come on, you know.
You knew the minute I walked in here.
I want you.
What?
- Hello?
- Sir John is here.
- Show him in.
- I want you to make love with me.
- Pardon?
- Nothing.
- Will you take me to bed, Archie?
- No. Sorry.
Bye, Uncle.
Hi!
He's pleading not guilty,
so you're safe until the trial.
Leach doesn't think he did it.
Ken says there's a safe deposit box key,
but only George knows where it is.
Thank you, Wanda!
- What have you found out?
- Not a lot.
- You realise he's in court tomorrow?
- I know. I know that!
- So nothing, huh?
- Nix.
Zip.
Diddly.
Bupkas.
Niente.
- Oh, it's too big!
- No, it isn't, Portia.
- It is. It's enormous!
- No, it isn't.
- Oh, please, Mother!
- No. Absolutely not.
- I'm so miserable and you just don't care!
- Do shut up, Portia!
All I get all day
is people complaining to me.
Oh, dear.
Ecco I'uomo.
Ooh, le due cupole grandidella cattedrale di Milano.
Benito Mussolini!
Dov'è il Vaticano? Oh, ecco Roma.
# Volare
# Oh-oh
# E cantare, oh...
Archie, I want you to speak
to her about plastic surgery.
Do listen. I want you to speak to Portia.
Right. I'll have a word
with her in the morning.
Good night, Archie.
Good night, Archie.
Good night, Wanda.
Good night, who?
Oh, sorry, darling. Just a stupid case I've
got tomorrow with some lousy old hag.
Are you George Francis Thomason
of Kipling Mansions,
Murray Avenue, London, W ?
- Yes, sir.
- The charge is one of armed robbery.
Sit down, Mr Thomason.
Are we ready for a committal claim?
- Yes. It will be under Section . madam.
- That is correct, . .
Here are the statements.
All to be fully bound, please.
Stand up then, Mr Thomason.
You are committed to stand trial
at the Central Criminal Court.
There is some urgency
about this case, madam,
as the main witness,
Mrs Eileen Coady, is elderly
and has had serious
heart difficulties recently.
Is there any possibility that this case
might be put down for an early trial?
That will be for the listing office
at the Old Bailey.
- Take him down to the cell, Officer.
- Yes, sir.
Hi, hon. How you doin'?
Ooh, you look great. I love your hair.
- Time for a coffee?
- No. I've g-g-g...
Have you thought about it?
Why did he give you this?
"Eileen Coady. Basil Street."
What does he want you to do?
Send her flowers? Do her shopping?
Show her a good time? Rub her out? T...
He wants you to rub her out?
He's going to kill her!
Fuck off, or I'll kill you.
Limey fruits!
So the old lady's gonna m-m-meet
with an accident, eh, K-K-Ken?
- What's so funny?
- It's just that wasting old ladies isn't nice!
Well, it's better than
b-b-buggering people.
I bet you a pound you don't kill her.
- All right.
- All right.
I love watching your ass when you walk.
Is that beautiful or what?!
Don't go near him! He's mine!
A pound says you won't kill her!
- So when could you look at it?
- Let's think. Thursday's hopeless.
My wife's going to the opera Friday. I
could look at it then, call you on Saturday.
- I'd appreciate that. Thanks.
- Bye, Frank.
Hi.
I know we're not allowed to talk.
Gimme a call.
I can't!
- Please?
- We're not allowed to speak.
We don't have to.
I don't want you for your conversation.
I'd love to, but...
- What happened?
- Got a date, Friday.
Look here! Do you mind
not making that terrible noise?
My dogs will be having their nap.
Nice doggy. Nice d-doggy.
Otto, what are you doing?
It's a Buddhist meditation technique.
Focuses your aggression.
- The monks used to do it before battle.
- What kind of Buddhism is this, Otto?
Asshole!
It's an early Tantric meditation.
What is this?
In order to get information,
I just might have to get friendly with him.
- Well, we're ready now, at last.
- Oh, good. Well, enjoy the opera, darling.
- Your supper's in the fridge.
- Marvellous.
Be good.
When you say "friendly",
what are we talking about here?
Cordial? Courteous?
Supportive? What?
I don't know. Let's just see what happens.
So, "friendly" might include
actual, uh, what? Penetration?
- I don't need your jealousy now.
- Jealousy?
- Yes.
- Hey, I'm merely curious.
Me, jealous of that fop?
What about my tits?
- Does he get to handle them?
- Yes. That's my forecast. I'll stand by that.
- Nuzzling?
- I think $ million is worth nuzzling.
per cent chance there.
- Sucking?
- Not jealous?
I'm not! I don't believe in jealousy.
It's for the weak.
One thing, though.
Touch his dick and he's dead!
I told your father to get the car serviced.
- Aren't we going, then?
- Oh, do shut up, Portia.
Hurry up.
Hi.
Do you despise me?
No. That's not a word that leaps to mind.
Can I stay, then?
Of course. Look... Wanda...
I know. Your wife's coming back.
No, no. It's not her. She'll be gone
for hours. It's about what I said to you.
- It is all right for us to speak.
- It is?
Provided that we don't discuss the case.
Oh. Oh, fine.
- It's just that if anyone saw us talking...
- Oh, but they won't.
Sorry if I seem... pompous.
Oh, you're the best, Archie.
No.
Not yet. I'm thirsty.
What shall I get you?
Whisky.
You are the sexiest,
most beautiful girl I have ever seen...
in my entire life.
Get me my drink.
Oh, Archie.
Oh, Archie.
So...
if George decides to change his plea,
he'd tell you where
the loot is first, wouldn't he?
Darling, we mustn't talk about the trial.
I know. I just meant theoretically.
Kiss me there.
Oh, theoretically? Um...
Well, if the defendant
wants to change his plea
and his instructions
to his legal representative...
the normal procedure...
- What's the matter?
- Oh, it's wonderful, Archie.
What? What?
You're getting me hot!
I need something to drink.
- Yeah.
- Something cold? Maybe in the fridge?
- Champagne?
- Oh, my favourite!
Don't go away.
Je reviens.
- What are you doing here?
- Relax.
- Get the fuck out!
- I heard moaning. I was worried.
I was faking it, you stupid jerk!
Don't call me stupid.
And I'm not jealous.
- Then leave!
- OK!
Nice place.
Don't touch his dick.
His wife, his wife!
Now for goodness sake, get off to bed.
God! There isn't any ice.
Champagne.
What's the matter?
What are you doing?
Champagne, dear. To welcome you home.
Um, let me pour you a glass.
Whose is the car?
- Car?
- Blocking the drive.
There you are, dear.
Cheers. Nice to see you again.
- How was the opera? Finished early?
- Whose car is it?
Mine. It's a beauty, isn't it?
Where'd I leave my drink, Archie? Ah!
- Who is this?
- Don't you know?
How do you do, Mrs Leach?
I'm Harvey Manfren... jensen.
- I'm, uh, with the CIA.
- The CIA?
That's correct, ma'am.
I was, uh, just telling your husband here,
before l, uh, had to go
to your beautiful bathroom,
we've got a high-ranking KGB defector
in a safe house near here.
We're debriefing him as of now and just...
checking houses in the neighbourhood.
- For what?
- For KGB.
- Is there any danger?
- No, no, no, no. No, uh...
No. No, not now. We, uh...
We just wanna keep everyone informed.
So, Archie, thanks for the drink.
Sorry to have troubled you.
Keep everyone informed?
- So there's no panic, ma'am.
- But isn't it a secret?
- You have no idea how secret.
- Why are you telling everyone?
- It's a smoke screen?
- What?!
Double bluff.
Look, you know nothing
about intelligence work.
It's an XK Red technique.
My father was in the secret service,
Mr Manfredjin St John,
and I know that you don't
keep the public informed
when you are debriefing
KGB defectors in a safe house.
You don't, huh?
Not unless you're congenitally insane
or irretrievably stupid, no.
- Don't call me stupid.
- Why on earth not?
Oh, you English are
so superior, aren't you?
Would you like to know where you'd be
without us, the US of A, to protect you?
I'll tell you. The smallest fucking province
in the Russian Empire, that's what!
So don't call me stupid, lady.
Just thank me!
Thank you for popping in
and protecting us!
If it wasn't for us, you'd all
be speaking German! Singing:
# Deutschland, Deutschland über alles
That's my brother.
Get rid of your wife and get my necklace.
Necklace. Right. I'll think of something.
- Who are you talking to?
- Myself.
- Well, who was that shouting?
- The brother of a f-friend of mine.
- Archie, who on earth?
- I don't know. He rang the bell and I...
- I need a drink.
- Let's go to the pub.
- What?
- Let's go to the pub. Would you like to?
- We haven't been for years!
- Be rather nice for Portia to see it now.
Honestly, Archie!
- What on earth is the matter?
- I thought the picture was falling.
- Will you pull yourself together?
- It's secure now.
- What's this?
- Thanks, Portia. OK. Coming with us?
- What was that?
- A necklace.
- What's going on?
- Nothing. Right, let's go.
- Can I see that?
- What?
In your hand.
Your other hand.
Portia, go to your room.
I can explain. I left some papers... Now!
- They sent a new girl.
- Oh, Archie.
- No, really. She's Canadian.
- It's lovely. Thank you.
Oh, it's even got a W for Wendy.
Oh, I'm so glad you like it, darling.
It's the most beautiful thing
you've ever given me.
Oh, Archie! This isn't like you.
Are you fucking crazy?!
- Hey, I saved your ass.
- I had him right where I wanted him!
- Hey...
- I give you one thing to do, Otto!
You're supposed to drive me and shut up!
Hello?
Hold on. It's for you.
Hello?
Er, not at the moment, no.
Yes, well, I'm not quite sure
when I'll be able to get hold of that.
Yes, yes. I do appreciate that.
Yes, as soon as possible.
Well, that would be very nice, obviously.
So, um, see you soon, I hope.
Bye, Frank.
Calm down. Calm down! Easy, g-g-girl.
Easy. Easy.
Come here.
Come here.
Smell. Smell. Smell, Maggie. Smell.
Now, k-k-kill!
Kill!
Kill! Kill!
...we therefore commit
its body to the ground;
earth to earth, ashes to ashes,
dust to dust...
# Miserere domine
# Miserere domine
# Canis mortuus est
Hello, honey. What happened?
- N-n-nothing.
- What's that?
- Not Granny?
- Er, not yet, n-n-no.
- Who's it for, then?
- A f-f-f...
A fish? Frenchman? A phone operator?
- Friend.
- Oh! A four-legged one?
- Where's my sister?
- She's in the b-b-b...
- Thank you.
- Lavatory.
Wanda.
- Anything?
- What? No.
- Why are you here?
- I'm here because I'm bored!
Bored, wandering around this God-awful
city, shoving George's ugly pic...
Talking to stuck-up,
intellectually inferior British faggots.
Jesus, they're uptight.
They get rigor mortis
in the prime of life in this country.
Standing there
with their hair clenched, just...
counting the seconds till the weekend,
so that they can dress up like ballerinas
and whip themselves
into a frenzy at the flat at four...
B, St...
To be... honest, l, uh, hate them.
I mean, pretending
they're so fucking lawyer...
Uh, superior. So fucking superior,
with those phoney accents.
Not you, Ken. You've got a beautiful
speaking voice. When it works.
Son of a bitch!
So, wanna have some lunch?
Have you heard from him?
- Who?
- Archie.
No. I have to finish my hair.
No.
Nothing?
OK. Well, I'm outta here!
- No plans to see him?
- No.
OK, bye, bro.
Bye, Wanda!
Oh, sorry.
- What?!
- An old lady wanted it engraved,
and she's dying, and somebody
put it in the display cabinet...
- That's their problem.
- Not legally.
- You paid for it!
- They accept their mistake.
That's why they're offering
you this to replace it.
This is the nicest thing you've ever given
me, and you want me to replace it...
- I don't want...
- They can't have it.
- Wendy.
- No.
- Wendy!
- No! Tell them they can't have it!
You're the bloody barrister!
- Hello.
- Hello.
Oh, Archie, it's beautiful.
It's just beautiful.
Oh, my God! Look!
Oh, Archie, it's beautiful.
Isn't it wonderful?
- Whose is it?
- Belongs to someone at the chambers.
And where are they?
Hong Kong.
Ah so.
Gone for weeks.
Nice rug, Archie.
May I?
What?! Archie, what are you doing?
The polka, I think.
- You make me feel free!
- Free?
Wanda, do you have any idea
what it's like being English?
Being so correct all the time? Being so...
stifled by this dread
of doing the wrong thing?
Of saying to someone "Are you married?"
and hearing "My wife left me today"?
Or saying..."Do you have children?"
and being told they all burned
to death on Wednesday?
You see, Wanda, we're all...
terrified of embarrassment.
That's why we're so... dead.
Most of my friends are dead. You know,
we have these piles of corpses to dinner.
But you're alive, God bless you.
And I wanna be. I'm so fed up with all this!
I wanna make love with you, Wanda.
I'm a good lover. At least...
used to be, back in the early th century.
Can we go to bed?
Yeah.
Hang on! Mind your head.
I think I love you, Wanda.
Oh, Archie. Can I ask you a question?
- Anything.
- Where's my locket?
- I couldn't get it.
- What?
Wendy wouldn't give it back.
Look, I got you this instead.
- Do you like it?
- No, Archie. I have to have mine.
What's the matter? Why?
My mother gave it to me...
on her death... bed.
Oh, I'm sorry. All right, darling.
I'II... I'll get it for you.
- You promise?
- I'll think of something.
Sex is very, very difficult for me with
somebody that I don't trust completely.
I promise I'll get it. OK?
Oh, I love you, Archie.
I have loved you ever since
the first second I saw you.
- What was that?
- What?
Your brother didn't bring you, did he?
No.
He's no idea?
- He doesn't have a clue.
- What?
- He is so dumb.
- Really?
He thought that the Gettysburg Address
was where Lincoln lived.
Oh, those terrible lies
he told about the CIA!
So painful!
And when he heard
your daughter's called Portia,
he said 'Why did
they name her after a car? '
I love the way you laugh.
I love you. You're funny.
How come a girl as... bright as you
could have a brother who's so...
Don't call me stupid.
Jesus Christ!
Come on!
- Otto! Ouch!
- Come on!
- Otto!
- Come on.
I'll deal with you later!
- What have you done with her?
- She's all right.
- Otto!
- Now, apologise.
What?
Apologise.
Are you totally deranged?
You pompous,
stuck-up, snot-nosed,
English, giant-twerp,
scumbag, fuck-face, dickhead asshole!
How very interesting.
You're a true vulgarian, aren't you?
You're the vulgarian, you fuck!
Now apologise!
What? Me to you?
Apologise.
All right, all right. I apologise.
- You're really sorry?
- I'm really sorry.
I apologise unreservedly.
- You take it back?
- I do. I offer a complete retraction.
The imputation was
totally without basis in fact,
and was in no way fair comment,
and was motivated purely by malice.
I deeply regret any distress my comments
may have caused you or your family.
And I hereby undertake not to repeat any
such slander at any time in the future.
OK.
# Miserere domine
# Miserere domine
# Canis mortuus est
- You said you loved him!
- Right! Here's a question for you.
A: Wanda was lying.
B: Wanda was telling the truth.
Which one are you gonna pick?
What was the first one?
You said you weren't gonna see him!
Cos I knew you'd come along and fuck it
up! I was dealing with something delicate.
I'm setting up a guy
who's important to us,
who'll tell me where the loot is
and if you'll be arrested,
and you come loping in like Rambo and
you dangle him out a fifth-floor window!
Now, was that smart?!
- OK.
- Was it shrewd? Was it good tactics?
Or was it stupid?!
Don't call me stupid.
Oh, right! To call you stupid
would be an insult to stupid people!
I've known sheep that could outwit you.
I've worn dresses with higher IQs.
But you think you're an intellectual,
don't you, ape?
- Apes don't read philosophy.
- Yes, they do, Otto.
They just don't understand it.
Now let me correct you
on a couple of things, OK?
Aristotle was not Belgian.
The central message of Buddhism
is not every man for himself.
The London Underground is not a political
movement. Those are all mistakes.
I looked 'em up.
Now... you have just assaulted
the one man who can keep you
out of jail and make you rich.
So what are you gonna
do about it, huh?
What would an intellectual do?
What would Plato do?
- Apol...
- Pardon me?
- Apolo...
- What?
- Apologise!
- Right!
I'm sorry.
No. Not to me, to Archie.
And make it good, or we're dead.
Oh, I'm so very, very, very, very s...
Fuck you!
I'm s...
I'm very, very s...
I'm so very s...
Very, very, very s...
Very, very...
Hello, Mr Burglar!
Going somewhere?
Thought you could rob Mr Leach, eh?
I'm gonna teach you a lesson.
He happens to be a good friend of mine.
- Otto!
- He's gonna be very pleased with me
when he finds you all tied up
and ready for the police.
And don't call me Otto. To you, I am Mr...
Oh, God.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Please. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I didn't know it was you.
How could I know it was you? I mean,
how could you expect me to guess?
Stupid jerk! I mean, what the fuck
are you doing robbing your own house?
You asshole! You stupid,
stiff, pompous, English...
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Yeah.
God Almighty!
Bloody hell!
Darling!
Are you hurt? Speak to me!
Are you hurt?
Can't you speak? Archie!
Archie, what has happened?
Archie, we've been burgled.
- Oh, no!
- Well, are you hurt?
No. I'm fine. Bit of a headache.
l-l, er, I came in here,
somebody hit me, tied me up...
- God, is that the time?
- What?
Er, I didn't realise it was quite so late.
- What?!
- Er, I'm late for a conference.
- A conference? You've been attacked!
- It's nothing. I must fly.
- Archie!
- I'll help you tidy up when I get back.
- Ah, hello, Portia.
- What's happened?
Your father has finally
gone completely mental.
Hi.
Archie!
- Thank you so much.
- Champagne?
OK.
- To us.
- To us.
I went back to the house,
and guess who...
Let's make love!
Well, if you absolutely insist.
- No.
- What?
Here. On the rug.
I'll be right back.
Get undressed.
Why not?
Why not indeed?
Afterwards...
- Yeah?
...let's go to South America.
- What?
- Let's fly to South America.
- Why South America?
- OK. Iceland?
What do you really want
out of life, Wanda?
- I don't know.
- Why do I like you so much?
Archie?
- Do you speak Italian?
- I am Italian!
Sono italiano in spirito.
Ma ho sposato una donnache preferisce lavorare nel giardino
a far I'amore appassionato.
Uno sbaglio grande!
But it's such an ugly language.
How about... Russian?
Yest' sila blagodatnayasozvuchiy slov zhivykh. Kamina tozhe ni trudnuyu tyesnitsyalyubosyat'sya grust'. Odnu molitvu chudnuyutverzhdaya naizust'. V dushe kak bremya skatyatsyasomneniya daleko.
I varitsya i plachetsya, i tak legko...
- Archie?
- Yeah?
- Are you rich?
- No. No, I'm afraid not.
- What about the house?
- Oh, that's Wendy's. She's the rich one.
Yest' sila blagodatnayasozvuchiy slov zhivykh. I tushit nyeponyatnaya, svetlaya, prelyestnaya rech'. V dushe kak bremya skatyatsyasomneniya daleko.
I varitsya i plachetsya, i tak legko! Leg...
- What the hell are you doing?
- I might ask you the same question!
- Who are you?
- What?!
- Get your clothes on.
- Will you leave, please?
- What?
- You're in the wrong flat.
This flat belongs to Patrick Balfour.
He's in Hong Kong and
he lent me the key. Now get out!
But we leased it from
the agents last weekend.
Yes, well, obviously that
changes things a bit. Um...
Aren't you Archie Leach?
What?
You bought our house
in Lissendon Gardens.
Hazel and lan Johnson.
What a coincidence!
Ha. How nice to see you.
- Hello?
- Hello, Wanda. It's Archie.
Listen... I can't see you any more.
I've got to end it. I'm sorry.
What?
I'm sorry.
Archie?
- OK.
- Oh, no, no. Please.
- Look, I want to apologise.
- I just finished it.
OK, OK. Wait. Where are you going?
- I wanna speak with you.
- Will you leave me alone?
- Otto, I've just ended it.
- Wait! I wanna say I'm sorry!
- It's all over, OK?
- It's all right!
- Oh, Jesus Christ!
- Will you calm down? Shut up!
- Please believe me!
- It's all right!
No, don't beat me up again.
I've had a terrible day.
- Will you shut up?!
- Oh, Jesus Christ, don't kill me!
Shut up, then.
OK.
Look, I just want to apologise,
sincerely, for... What?
Well, when I dangled you
out the window. I'm really, really...
It was not a nice thing to do.
Then when I attacked you in there -
well, I'm really, really s...
How could I know you were robbing
your own house? I was trying to help!
- Yes. Thanks. Thanks, Otto.
- I wanted you to trust me.
Yeah. Please.
It was my fault. It was my fault.
- That's true.
- Yeah.
- Now, about my sister.
- Otto...
Look, she's a very sexy girl. I understand
you wanting to play around with her.
It's OK. I was wrong.
I'm sorry I was jealous.
Just go ahead.
Pork away, pal. Fuck her blue.
I like you, Archie. I just wanna help.
Oh, God!
Send for an ambulance!
She copped it!
I did it!
I did it!
Unbe-fucking-lievable!
- Thomason!
- Yeah? Oh.
You've done well, my son.
Now, here's the plan. You get four tickets
for this evening for Rio, first class. Then...
F-f-f...
Yeah, four. We get rid of Otto later.
Then back to the flat, pack, collect me.
Then to the Cathcart Towers Hotel
to pick up the jewels.
Unbe-fucking-lievable!
Oh, it's so exciting! I can't believe it!
He's s-s-safe.
Oh! I'm gonna be late for court.
H-Hello. Oh, hello, Otto.
Er, no. She just, er, left.
Oh, and Otto...
You owe me a p-p-p...
What?
You owe me a p-pound.
Not Granny?
M-met with an accident.
Bullshit! You're lying!
- Dead?
- Heart attack.
- I don't believe this.
- So G-G-George'll be out this afternoon.
We all go up to Heathrow,
collect the loot, and then vvroooom!
All thanks to me.
So the loot's at the airport, is it, Ken?
What's h-happening?
Well, Ken...
I'm going to ask you some questions...
while I eat my chips.
First. Who was the philosopher
who developed the concept of the
superman in Also sprach Zarathustra?
No?
That's a chip up the nose, I'm afraid.
Friedrich Nietzsche. Next.
In which book did Nietzsche
claim that almost all higher culture
is based on cruelty?
- Are you thinking or in mid-stutter?
- You're m-m-mad.
Beyond Good and Evil.
Guess I'll have to ask you
an easy one, huh, Ken? OK. Um...
Let me think, let me think. Um...
Where are the diamonds?
I'll give you a clue.
Somewhere around the airport.
I'm n-n-n...
No hassle. There's plenty of time. I'll just
sit here and eat my chips till you tell me.
The English contribution
to world cuisine: the chip.
What do the English usually eat with
chips to make them more interesting?
Wait a moment!
It's fish. Isn't it?
Oh! Here, boy.
Down the hatch.
- Delicious!
- You b-b-b...
Better eat the green one? OK.
What's this one's name?
Well, not Wanda, anyway.
I'm going to call her Lunch.
Hello, Lunch. Hello!
Avoid the green ones.
They're not ripe yet.
Now, you were in court, Inspector,
when the forensic evidence was read?
Yes, sir.
The fact that Mr Thomason was
installing windows the previous weekend
would account, would it not, Inspector, for
the presence of small particles of glass
on his trousers?
No hurry, Inspector.
Please do take your time.
I'm almost full.
- Almost.
- Stop!
Please, don't.
Come on, Wanda! Gullet time!
What are the names of those hotels
by the airport? What are they?
The Airway Sheraton?
The Post House? The Cathcart Towers?
The Cathcart Towers?! Yes?!
- Yes.
- In a safe deposit box?
- Yes.
- Where's the key?
- What?
- Where's the key?
It's in the t-t-tank.
Where? Where?
In the t-t-t...
Treasure chest!
Where?!
Where?
You m-m-murdering...
I'm g-g-gonna k-k-k...
I'll kill you! I'll kill you!
Sorry, Ken,
but your answer was incorrect.
Still, you really did think
it was in there, didn't you?
What?
- Hello?
- I know where the diamonds are.
- Where?
- Where's the key?
- I've got it.
- How soon can you get to George's?
You are Wanda Gershwitz,
of Kipling Mansions,
Murray Road, London, West ?
Yes.
Now, will you tell the court, please,
how do you know the defendant?
We've had a relationship for two years.
Relationship?
We're lovers, your lord.
Miss Gershwitz, on the th March of this
year, in the morning, where were you?
- I was at the apartment at Murray Road.
- Were you by yourself,
or was there anyone else present?
- No. Somebody else was there.
- Who was that?
- My brother.
- And did your...?
Your brother?
My brother.
Yes.
Yes, and...
are you quite sure it was your brother?
Mr Leach, I'm sure Ms Gershwitz
can recognise her brother.
She's had a relationship
with him all her life.
Much obliged, my lord. Um, w-w-was
there anyone else present that morning?
- George was there.
- Thank you.
- But he left about five to seven.
- Wanda!
I wonder...
I wonder...
I wonder...
Yes, Mr Leach?
I Wendy... I Wanda... I wonder... I w-w-w...
Wh-when you say five to seven,
Miss, er, Gershwitz...
how can you be so sure?
Oh, I looked at the clock.
Cos I was saying to myself
"Where could he be going
at five to seven with that shotgun?"
Darling!
Mr Leach. "Darling"?
- Yes, dear?
- You bitch! You fucking bitch!
Restrain that man!
- Restrain this man.
- Come here, you bastard!
Clear the court! I'm adjourning
this matter for an hour.
Clear the court! Clear the court!
Clear the court!
Clear the court! Clear the court!
Officers, arrest that man!
Clear the court! Clear the court!
Bloody hell!
It's my husband. He's been hit.
Ah, you made it. Good.
Bit of a knock, I'm afraid.
I have never been
so humiliated in my life.
You can stick this marriage
right in your bottom!
I'll see you in court.
Yes.
Well.
That's it, then.
- George?
- What?
- We've got to talk.
- Tell those pigs to fuck off!
Fuck off, pigs.
Did you hear what I said? Fuck off.
- What's she up to, George?
- What are you up to?
You called her darling... and Wanda.
I've been helping her get her evidence
straight, you burk. It slipped out.
- You been coaching her?
- What do you think?!
We've got ten minutes.
They're gonna find you guilty, right?
Plead guilty, tell them where the loot is,
you may get away with...
eight years, out in five and a half.
What if I tell 'em about Otto... and Wanda?
- They both did it?
- Yeah.
Great. All right.
Maybe six years, out in four?
So where are the diamonds?
- Where's Bartlett?
- He's upstairs. So, where are they?
Tell Bartlett Ken knows where they are.
George, it'd be a lot quicker
if you told me.
OK. I'll tell Bartlett.
- Where's Ken?
- He's at the flat.
Thank you for all your help.
I'll be right out.
Taxi! Taxi!
Please. Shit!
- Taxi!
- Come on.
- What?
- Let's go.
- Where?
- Buenos Aires.
- What?
- We're going to George's flat first.
Get in.
- Got your passport?
- Yeah.
Check the briefcase for mine.
Get your head down.
So, you robbed the jeweller's,
turned one lover over to the police,
kept one to help you find the diamonds,
and when he does, you commit perjury.
- Everybody does it in America.
- Not in this country they don't!
Like nobody lies in England.
Like Margaret Thatcher never lies.
- You lied to me from the start.
- You just wanted to get me into bed.
I fell in love with you!
How come you dumped me, then?
I wasn't rich enough. Remember?
- Say something in Russian.
- No!
- What are you thinking?
- I'm trying to think of a reason
why I should take you
to South America with me.
How about... because I have
the key to the safety deposit box?
- That's a good reason!
- Good reason.
- What do we do about Otto?
- I'll handle Otto.
Be careful, he's dangerous.
So am I.
Keep it running.
Why'd you bring him?
- No!
- I'm beginning to think you like him!
Let's get the diamonds!
Ken?
Are you Ke...?
How do you do? I'm George's barrister.
What's happened?
- Oh, my God...
- Asshole!
What the bloody hell do you think...
All right, then.
Archie!
Where have they gone? Quick!
They've g... They've g... They've g...
What?
Are you all right?
- Where have they gone?
- They've gone to the Ca-ca-ca...
- Are you ill?
- No, no, no.
- What?
- The Ca-ca-ca...
- Have you got a stutter?
- Y-y-yeah. A b-b-bit.
OK, fine. Don't worry, don't worry.
Do you know where they've gone?
- Y-y-y...
- Fine, fine. Where?
The Ca...
Hotel.
Hotel? Which hotel?
Ca...
The Ca... The Ca...
- The...
- Go on.
Ca-ca-ca...
All right. Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Slowly. Very slowly.
Slowly.
The C...
The Ca...
The C...
The Ca...
- No hurry.
- The C-C-Ca...
- Sing it. Sing.
- # The Ca...
# The Ca... The Ca... The Ca...
- # Ca...
- Plenty of time.
# Ca...
# Ca... The Ca...
Oh, come on! Sorry. I'm sorry.
Um... All right, wait.
# The Ca... The...
Here. Write it.
- Cathcart Towers Hotel?
- Cathcart Towers Hotel.
Where is it?
Ken, where is it? Where?!
He-He-He...
Here. Here. Again. No?
Heathrow Airport.
- What's the idea? You can't stay...
- Frightfully sorry. Take it, it's yours.
Thank you so much.
Uh... British Airways to Rio?
Rio? Terminal Four, sir.
Thank you.
- Excuse me, sir. Is this your vehicle?
- With you in a moment. I'll be right back.
Aisle or window?
Smoking or nonsmoking?
- What was the middle one?
- Anything in nonsmoking.
Gate is boarding now.
Rio!
Otto, don't look back.
There's a cop right behind us.
Quick!
- Yes, we can just do it, Mr Leach.
- Great.
Luggage?
Don't really need any.
- Gate .
- Thank you.
Ciao, stupidissimo.
Come on, Archie. Pick up the phone.
Sir! Airport security.
May I see your boarding pass, please?
Oh, yes. Certainly, certainly.
Very good.
Would you step over here, please?
- Um, yes, of course.
- Oh, look! The Queen.
OK, OK, OK, OK.
Don't get excited. OK, OK, OK.
Oh, it's you! I was actually worried there.
- Keep your hands up.
- No!
- Put 'em up!
- I'll make a deal with you. I'll put one up.
Put the other one up!
Which looks better?
I'm warning you, Otto.
What are you gonna do? Shoot me?
Gun me down in cold blood like a dog?
Hey! If you wanna settle something
with me, why don't you fight me?
You're a man, aren't you?
Let's fight like men! Come on!
- All right.
- All right, then.
- OK.
- OK.
- You look good, Arch.
- I used to box for Oxford.
Oh, yeah? Well, I used to kill for the CIA.
Now, get your hands up.
No.
You spineless bimbo.
Now, out.
I'm gonna have to shoot you now.
But I've got a little time before my plane
leaves and I'm longing to humiliate you.
So get in that barrel.
- What?
- In the barrel.
Right.
You English, you think
you're so superior, don't you?
Well, you're the filth of the planet.
A bunch of pompous,
badly-dressed, poverty-stricken,
sexually-repressed football hooligans.
Goodbye, Archie.
At least we're not irretrievably vulgar.
You know your problem?
You don't like winners.
- Winners?
- Yeah.
- Winners.
- Winners like... North Vietnam?
Shut up!
We did not lose Vietnam! It was a tie!
I'm tellin' ya,
they kicked some ass there.
Boy, they whupped
your hide real good!
- No, they didn't.
- Yes, they did.
- Oh, no, they didn't.
- Oh, yes, they did.
Oh, no, they... Shut up!
- Goodbye, Archie.
- Gonna shoot me?
Er, yes. Yes, 'fraid so, old chap. Sorry!
Look, Otto! Look!
Rev-v-venge!
It's K-K-Ken, c-c-coming to k-k-kill me.
How are you gonna
c-c-catch me, K-K-Ken?
Now, where was I? Oh, yeah.
Shit! God!
Stupid fucking limey cement!
Ken! Ken!
Wait. Wait, Ken! Kenny! K...
- May I call you Kenny?
- Remember Wanda!
I got the deal of a lifetime!
- you and me. What do you say?
OK, OK, OK. - . That's my final offer.
- Revenge!
- Wait. I got an idea. You take it all.
Yeah. Here's my boarding pass. Ken!
I'm gonna... I'm gonna k-k-kill you.
OK, fine. Fine, Ken.
Come at me. Gimme your best shot.
Go on, Ken!
You don't have the guts. Admit it!
OK, you have the guts. Good. Wait.
- Death!
- All right. I'm sorry I ate your fish, OK?
- I'm sorry!
- Revenge!
Jesus! I said I'm sorry. What the fu...?
Got him!
Got you again! You bastard!
Hey. I've lost my stutter.
It's gone. I can speak.
How much wood
could a woodchuck chuck
if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Oh, good afternoon, sir. Boarding pass?
Buongiorno, signorina.
Now, listen. Two things. One...
Behave yourself from now on,
or I'll break your neck. OK?
Two...
Gorbachov.
Glasnost.
Molotov.
Blinis.
Uh... Lenin.
Pushkin.
- Chicken Kiev.
- Good. Dostoyevsky.
Roubles.
Vladivostok.
Assho-o-o-o-o-o-o-ole!
Archie and Wanda were married in Rio,
had seventeen children,
and founded a leper colony.
Ken became Master of Ceremonies
at the London Sea World.
Otto emigrated to South Africa
and became Minister for Justice.