Flirting With Disaster
Script - Dialogue Transcript
Voila! Finally, the Flirting With Disaster
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Ben Stiller and
Patricia Arquette movie
. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Flirting With Disaster. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
My mother could be rich.
She could be rich and smart.
Or she could be rich and stupid.
On the other hand, she could be
just poor and good-hearted.
Or she could be poor and mean.
I mean, I-I have no idea
what she's like. It's-
And there's my father, right?
I look at guys on the street every day-
regular guys
walking down the street.
And depending on my mood, I imagine
that any one of them could be my father.
This guy.
How about this guy?
Hi, Dad.
Then I have to picture
these two people having sex.
Okay, maybe they're not together now.
But at least years ago...
they had to hook up
in order to have me, right?
Mix and match, mix and match,
all these people together.
I can't help feeling...
that if I'd been raised
by at least one of my real parents...
I wouldn't be
such a nervous person, you know?
I might be living a completely different
life in a totally different city.
I could be married to a totally
different person with a different job.
I mean, how do I know? I don't.
Anything's possible.
Well, the mystery of your
unknown self is about to unfold.
Your mother lives
in San Diego, California.
Her name is Valerie Swaney.
Valerie Swaney?
I told you it wouldn't take long.
Can we arrange a meeting soon?
How's, um-
How's next month?
No, no. I told Nancy I'd do it sooner.
I- I've been driving her crazy.
Because you can't name your son?
I've just been distracted and tense
ever since the baby was born.
- A little unsteady?
- Preoccupied.
Nancy?
I'm in the bedroom!
Big news.
I got big news.
Hi, sweetie. You look great.
Why are you dressed like that?
Did you forget about our date?
Oh, my God! I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
- No. It's okay, you're here now.
- No, no, no. I feel so bad.
We're not gonna fight about it.
Look at you.
You look so sexy.
But I want to tell you
what I forgot.
- Take your shoes off.
- No, no, wait, wait. We have to talk.
- We have to talk. Talk.
- No. No. Honey, no talking.
No, no, we have to talk
about wh-why I'm late.
- Control freak, huh?
- No. Yeah, maybe I am a control freak.
Don't!
- Nap time's over.
- Nap time's over.
Wait, wait. I'll get him.
I'll get him.
You don't have to put your pants on
to get the baby.
Honey, do you think
we're ever gonna have sex?
Definitely.
There, buddy, Yeah.
How ya doin'?
It's okay. Yeah, yeah.
You okay?
We'll be out in one second.
I feel like I'm keeping you
from something.
No. No, no, no.
This is a priority.
Is this a bad time for your wife?
'Cause, you know, I could come back.
Not at all. We just need
a couple of minutes.
This is crazy.
I mean, all right, I feel guilty
'cause I missed the date.
I just gotta tell her. What am I
afraid of, right? This is stupid.
- Hey, here you go.
- No, no. This is good.
- What?
- This is good. You stay with Daddy.
- Keep his hands occupied.
- Oh, Nancy. Nancy. No, no, no.
Honey. Honey.
Can't we make another date, please?
Thi- Sweetie, this is-
Sweetie, he's looking right down at you.
This isn't- Oh. Oh, no, no. No.
No. Oh, no, no, no.
My real mother lives in San Diego.
- What?
- That's what I was trying to tell you.
I went to the adoption agency,
and they found my real mother.
Just like that?
You walked in, they found her?
Well, it was the second
trip, actually.
I know, I know.
- Honey.
- I know. So listen...
why don't you put something on
and come over and say hello to Tina.
- Who?
- The woman who helped arrange everything.
This woman's in our apartment
right now? She's here?
Yeah. Well I- You know,
I- I was trying to tell you before...
but you got all sexed up
and everything-
Well, I got sexed up because we had a date,
not because I'm some kind of freak or something.
- I didn't say you were a freak. Did I say you were a freak, honey?
- No.
- No, no. Come on, this is good, right?
- Hi. I'm Tina Kalb.
I'm sorry to burst in on you
like this...
but Mel said he didn't
want to waste any time.
That's all right. Nancy understands
how important this whole thing is.
- Great. The baby's gorgeous, by the way. It looks just like Mel.
- Ohh.
Thanks. Really? You really think so?
Everybody always says he looks like me.
Well, what do I know? I'm just another
-year-old woman desperate for a baby of her own.
Your husband
doesn't want to have kids?
Yeah, I'm in the middle
of a divorce, actually.
I just can't seem
to part with the ring.
- Sorry.
- Oh, no. It was one of those dead marriages-
the kind where you have to start
making dates to have sex.
Well, I'm sure it'll work out. I mean,
I'm sure you'll meet somebody else...
and you'll be happy
and you'll fall in love again...
- and things'll just be wonderful.
- Yeah, I don't know.
I think it might be easier
at this point...
just to find an intelligent man
to impregnate me.
I'm sorry. I don't understand
exactly who you are.
Oh, didn't I tell you?
She's-She's doing the study.
I'm gonna be coming along
to San Diego next week...
to document the reunion.
In fact, Nancy, I've got
some waivers that I need you to sign.
You see, there's such a dearth
of in-depth documentation...
into the psychological impact
that these reunions have...
on, for instance, you, the spouse,
as well as Mel's adoptive family.
- Ah, so you're a psychologist?
- Not quite.
I'm just finishing my doctorate.
Tina used to be a dancer.
Oh, those days are long gone.
Listen, I've gotta call the office.
Oh, there's a phone in the kitchen.
It's right there on your left.
- Got one right here.
- Well, next week?
- Yeah, yeah.
- God, that's soon.
Well, they're gonna pay for everything.
Isn't that great, sweetie? Honey?
After I had my baby,
I wanted my husband to stay home...
and help with night feedings...
not drag me on some plane
for San Diego.
I like travelling.
The baby's five months old.
I really think this is gonna get us
closer together.
Oh, honey, after you're married, he feels like
he's kissing his mother half the time, anyway.
Our kissing is still nice, but he's
so controlling about the oral sex.
Well, have you tried
the warm water method?
- Are you kidding? - No.
- You're kidding.
No. Joe loves it.
- Oh, hi, Mel.
- Look what I found.
What did you find?
- What made you dig these out?
- Remember?
I don't know. I was just feeling
nostalgic for some reason.
That's so sweet. We found these
on our first field trip together.
Very sweet. Oh, congratulations
on finding your mother, Mel.
- Thank you.
- That oughta settle some big issues for you, huh?
Definitely. Which issues
are you talking about?
- Starting with the whole sex thing.
- Sex. Baby's name. The baby's name.
- 'Cause you said Ethan-
- No, wait a minute. She said the sex thing.
- You said that Ethan was too feminine.
- Right.
- We were trying to think of a more masculine baby
name, right? - Ok, but she said the sex thing.
- Didn't you just say the sex thing?
- But she meant that.
- Why don't you let her speak for herself?
What did you mean? - Ok, tell him. Go on.
Actually, it was oral sex
I was referring to.
Oral sex, really?
I think I just walked in on...
- a ladies' conversation that guys
aren't supposed to-
- No, you didn't.
- Yes, I'm gonna go. I'm gonna leave.
- No, stay.
- Don't go. Come on.
- No. Leave. Go. Stay? No. Go.
- Honey, we weren't talking about us.
- What?
We wouldn't- I wouldn't-
You've gotta know that.
- I know that so much. So true.
- Bye.
Hey, I didn't go around telling my
friends you didn't want to make love...
for almost two months
after the baby was born, did I?
- Probably.
- Okay, but it didn't get back to you, did it?
Are you sure you're okay about this woman
coming along? It's not weird or anything?
Well, it's a little strange
to be travelling with a chaperone.
But if you're okay with it,
I'm okay with it.
Well, it's just, she's been through the process
so many times. I think it's a good thing.
Honey, if this helps you
get what you need inside...
- then I'm all for it.
- Thanks, sweetie.
This cheese is disgusting.
Get it away from me.
- What's wrong with this cheese?
- It smells like vomit.
- Oh, stop being such a baby.
- Mom, Dad, this is Tina.
- I'm a baby 'cause it smells like vomit?
Yes. Nancy, did you get
that support bra yet?
- Not yet. - What are you waiting for?
- Hey, I want to introduce you to somebody.
Please don't make
such a big deal out of it.
- It makes a real difference.
- All right, could we not talk about this right now?
Uh, yes, we're gonna talk about this
because she's not listening to me.
- I want you to see something.
- Very nice, Pearl.
- I want you to consider my age and ask yourself how I maintain this.
- Mom, why are you doing this?
- I don't know. How?
- I couldn't have a baby.
But I had to fight the laws
of gravity just the same...
and you need the help
of a good bra.
And believe you me, if you want to keep your
husband's attention, you'll get one pronto.
You know, if my breasts drop, they drop,
and there's nothing I can do about that.
- Wrong!
- That's right. Good for you, honey.
- Just back off, will ya?
- Listen, you've had five of these
- I don't think you should-
- Don't monitor me.
- Your new friend is very long-waisted, isn't she?
- Okay, that's it!
- We're not talking about this any more, okay?
- It's a free country.
- Why can't I talk?
- Let him alone.
You're making an ass
out of yourself again!
Why don't you leave me alone!
Why don't you just have a little sniff?
- The baby's crying.
- Get that away from me, or I'll smack it off.
- Yeah, you're gonna beat me up in front of all these people?
- Don't tempt me!
Would you stop acting like this?
That's it! All right?
- Don't yell in front of the baby.
- Don't yell in front of the baby. It's not good.
He wouldn't have to yell if you'd
listen to him for two seconds!
What's gotten into my sweet
daughter-in-law all of a sudden?
- Hormones. No mystery there.
- Does this baby have a name yet?
- Four months old, doesn't have a name.
- Well, don't blame me.
- I like the name Ethan.
- Oh, no, no. Ethan's too lame.
- Everything's too lame, too bold.
- This is becoming an embarrassing, neurotic thing, Mel.
It's not an embarrassing, neurotic
thing. This is about my real identity.
- It's about my background, okay?
- Don't be ridiculous.
You're Mel Coplin.
That's who you are.
You know, this process will go a long way
towards clarifying that identity issue.
What process? Who is this new friend
with the camera already?
I've only been trying to introduce
you to her for the last ten minutes.
- Her name is Tina Kalb, and she's here for a very important reason.
- You're getting a divorce.
- She's a counsellor. No, she's a lawyer.
- Would you- Would you just zip it?
- Don't talk to your mother like that.
- We're not getting a divorce.
Maybe you should
if you can't name the baby.
- That is a terrible, sick thing to say, Ed!
- You said it first!
- That's no excuse!
- If you say it, fine. If I say it, I'm sick.
- Maybe.
- Tina is with the adoption agency.
- What adoption agency?
- The adoption agency where you adopted me.
- When I was a little baby, remember?
- Oh, my God!
Oh, God. I have to have a cigarette
if we're gonna talk about this.
- Can I bum one of those?
- No, you can't smoke around the baby.
- Show a little compassion, will you?
- This might be a good time to make an exception. For her.
- Pearl!
- I'd like to know what happened to the Constitution in this country.
- Please, can you please put it out?
- Oh, all right, all right!
Why does he have to do this roots thing?
Aren't we good enough parents?
I think you probably did the best that you
could, but psychic scars can't be helped.
Psychic scars?
What is she talking about?
She's saying we failed completely.
- That's way too extreme.
- Yeah, maybe just percent.
Mom, you can't quantify it like that.
I mean, what difference does it make...
if it's percent or percent?
Sixty percent?
Why is everybody getting
so serious all of a sudden?
I thought we were gonna talk
about buying new carpeting...
getting rid of this crap,
putting in the wall-to-wall.
Life is so rich, so full.
You have a wife, a child, a good job.
Why are you doing this?
If I could pop in here for a second, I think
that what Mel is trying to communicate here...
is that no matter where we are in our
lives, especially if we're adopted...
we can't help but feel
that there's something missing-
that there's something out there
that's going to make us feel...
complete, give us a sense of belonging,
connectedness if you will.
This woman strikes me
as being very dangerous.
It's understandable
that you would find me threatening.
Why don't you psychoanalyze me?
I'd love to hear this. Go ahead.
I'm, uh, abrasive, pushy, defensive.
My husband is, uh, food-phobic,
passive-aggressive.
- Huh? Come on. Come on. - Look, the point is,
we're going to San Diego in the morning, and-
What about your father's th birthday?
Well, if you'd let me finish what I'm saying, I'd say
that we have every intention of coming back for it.
You are aware that they have a very big
car theft problem in San Diego.
- No, I wasn't aware of that.
- Oh, yes, very big.
I hadn't heard anything
about that either.
They bump you,
and when you stop...
they mutilate you
and then take your car.
- It happened to Art Sackheim.
- What?
- They killed Art Sackheim?
- Oh, don't be ridiculous.
They bumped him and took his car.
Nobody said anything about killing.
- You said mutilate.
- Please...
Enjoy yourself. I understand
they have a lovely zoo in San Diego.
- Are you ready for San Diego?
- Yeah!
- God, you look beautiful.
- So do you.
Oh, thanks.
You know, maybe I'll just-
I'll run upstairs really quickly
and change, 'cause I don't think-
- Don't be silly. You look adorable.
- You look so elegant.
- I love that print. Come on.
- Honey, you look great. Come on.
Do you have the keys?
Boy, it's beautiful, here, isn't it?
Sweetie, I'm so happy
we're doing this together.
- Watch the road, please.
- Me too.
- How's the baby's diaper?
- He's fine.
- Good.
- What's that?
- Oh, my God. It's happening.
- Shit!
- Oh, God, no.
- What's happening?
It's the bump and rob thing.
This is it.
- What?
- Get down with the baby!
- He's gaining on us!
- Yo, slow down!
- Back off, Jack!
- Pull over!
- How do you close this window?
- Wait. I've got some Mace in my bag.
- Listen to what he has to say.
- Here it is.
- Mace him!
- Yeah, get him!
Fucker!
You left your jacket
in the parking lot.
Asshole!
Thank you for the jacket.
Sorry about the Mace.
Very sorry, sir.
"The Trinity Church Ministry of Hope."
Oh, my God!
They bump you,
and when you stop...
they mutilate you
and take your car.
I don't think it's funny at all.
I mean, his father created this fear
Would you two just stop, please?
We're almost there. I'm getting nervous.
Really, I'm not surprised at his
reaction or by my reaction.
Okay, just breathe.
- Should I ring the doorbell?
- Okay.
- I mean, no. Wait, wait, wait. I told you to wait.
- You said yes first.
- You didn't give me a chance to say no.
- Well, I would've, but-
- Hi!
- Hi.
Oh, what a pretty wife you have!
And I see you've brought your nanny.
- Oh, I'm not the nanny. I'm the wife.
- Oh, excuse me.
- What a terrible way to start.
- Oh, don't be silly.
I'm Tina Kalb from
the Maidstone Adoption Agency.
- Right.
- Hi.
- Valerie Swaney.
- Mel Coplin.
- This is great. I love the stained glass.
- Lovely.
- Thank you.
- Now, he was a great president.
You know, I always felt like
I should've appreciated him more.
I know just what you mean.
Come on, let's get something to drink.
Your daddy was short.
That would explain it.
And we have the same forehead,
don't we?
And the same eyes. Oh.
This is amazing. I never shared
physical traits with family before.
I'm a bad person
for what I did to you.
- No, don't say that.
- It's true.
Look, Tina says that most women who gave up
their children for adoption in the ' s...
were independent young women
acting against a conservative world.
- You're sayin' I was a slut?
- No.
- Oh, God!
- I didn't think- You're not a slut.
I was tall,
and I developed earlier-
If that's a crime, go ahead and sue me,
but I am not from trashy people.
- Really, I wasn't suggesting that at all.
- Your daddy was poor.
He worked in my father's
liquor warehouse in Baton Rouge.
- Really? Baton Rouge.
- That's where you were conceived.
In the liquor warehouse
on the cement floor...
- Wow!
- in Baton Rouge. Oh, my parents hated Lars.
- Lars Waara was his name.
- Waara? Lars Waara!
- What kind of name is that?
- Finnish.
- Finnish? I'm Finnish.
- I knew that.
I mean, look at your face.
Absolutely.
Finnish-American.
Half Scottish-American.
Scottish-Finnish. What is that?
I don't know how to do that. That's-
I'm gonna help.
I'm gonna help you with that.
This belonged to my great-great-grandmama
who was of the Clan Bucanon...
married to the Confederate General Beauregard.
- I want you to have it.
- A Confederate general?
Expert boxer and marksman.
- Really? Wow! What an athletic family!
- I was on two championship basketball teams myself.
- I'm not athletic at all.
- Look at this picture. This is-
Let's name the baby Beauregard, huh?
- Beauregard?
- Beau. Beau Coplin.
- Oh, I'm so touched.
- Oh, damn it!
- What?
- The camera just jammed.
- You didn't get that just now?
- No, and that was a terrific moment.
- Let me see.
- Forget the camera.
- No, I can't.
- No, forget- forget about it.
- What? Don't you want to get it on tape?
- I'd like to have it on tape.
- I know. I'm sorry.
- Uh, the light's better in the living room.
- Look, honey, I'll be right back, okay?
- I-I don't know what happened.
- He's a very decisive man, isn't he?
- Well, actually he's not. But today, for some reason-
Do you see that, that wheel in there?
There's like a glob of gunk.
- Yeah, I do. - Tar.
- We need something to wipe it off with.
- If we could get like a-
- You know what? Let's just use my skirt.
- Your skirt?
- I don't care about it. It's old.
- Really? Okay.
- Hold this, okay?
- Okay. Here.
- Just- If you can...
- Hold still.
- Yeah. Okay.
I'm Beauregard from Dixie, hooray-
Technically, he's from New York.
Right?
- I'm sorry. Oh. I'm sorry.
- Well-
- Uh, you got it, though. You got it.
- Good.
- Yeah. So how long did you say you were a dancer for?
- Oh, God, don't remind me.
- I haven't been to the gym in months.
- Well, you don't seem like you need to go to the gym.
- I mean- You seem...
- Well, you're very generous.
But when I was dancing, you know,
my calves did not look like this.
- Those look like very strong calves to me.
- Well, strong, yeah.
They've always been strong.
When I was a kid, you know...
I used to beat my brothers
at Indian wrestling all the time.
Away down south in Dixie
- He's a little cracker.
- No.
- Yes, you are. You can't deny- oh!
- No, I'm not a cracker.
I'm not a cracker!
You feel it in your legs?
It's really more about upper-body
strength, isn't it?
- No, it's all in the legs.
- How?
You'll see when you lose your balance.
What in the world?
Oh, my Lord!
My Chinese zodiac is ruined!
- I am so sorry. I really feel badly.
- Oh, my goodness. My animals.
- What's happened?
We were just in here, and then,
um, freak accident.
- Yeah.
- What happened to the tail of my rooster?
- You mean- Is this it, maybe?
- No.
That's the dog's pillow.
Well, don't throw it!
I want to pay for all this.
Can I do that, please?
- Absolutely not.
- Why not?
All children break things,
and all children are forgiven.
Now, you have never had
that opportunity with me.
Let's take this
as a gift from God.
And look, here's
another gift from God.
Ohhh, well, why is that
a gift from God?
The rabbit is still in one piece, and both
you and your daddy were Year of the Rabbit.
I always thought it was Year of the Dragon, at
least in all those Chinese restaurant place mats.
No, no, no. Lars is .
You're .
- Those are both rabbit years.
- Actually, I was born in ' .
- Don't you think I know when my own son was born?
- 'Course you do, Valerie.
Wait, that would make me two years
older than I thought I was. Wow!
- How? How is that?
- You know what? I can clear this up
with one phone call to the office.
- Yeah, why don't you make sure?
This really- It kind of freaks me out.
- Mom, why are those cars here?
- Hey, girls, look who's here!
- What happened to your glass animals?
Oh, these are my twins
from my third marriage.
- This is Jane, and this is Sandra.
- Hello.
- This is your half brother, Mel.
- He looks just like Uncle Freddie.
- Look at his nose.
- What's so funny?
- What's so funny?
- He looks just like Uncle Freddie.
Yes, he does.
Why didn't I see that?
Oh, Uncle Freddie. I'm flattered.
What's he like?
He's really sweet-natured. He's just
that weird thing. What do you call it?
- "Frateurist."
- Yeah, he's a frateurist.
- Frateurist? What's that?
- You rub up against people in crowded public places.
- That's how I met Mel.
- Seriously?
- No, she's kidding.
- This is not something to kid about.
- Yeah. He went to jail for it.
- Can he come to the beach?
- Oh, honey, I don't think he's got time for that, Jane.
- Why not?
- We're in the volleyball finals.
- He can wear one of my shirts.
- Oh, yeah, give him a shirt.
- We'll go down to the beach. This is-
- We're in the championship.
Oh, man, you should've been
there yesterday.
- It was so amazing.
- It was match point.
- I went up for the spike.
- She went up for the spike.
- Shut up. Let me talk.
- So I went up for the spike.
- It was so intense. She went up for the spike-
- Shut up!
- Girls, girls, calm down!
- Listen, I, I, I don't believe this...
but there's been
a terrible, terrible mistake.
And Valerie's not your mother, Mel.
- What?
- What are you talking about? Of course she's my mother.
- We have the same forehead.
- And he looks like Uncle Freddie.
- Yeah, I look like Uncle Freddie.
Please, just don't make this any harder
on yourself than it already is.
- Are you positive?
- Yes.
- He's not our brother?
How could you make
a mistake like that? I-
Well, our computer files
were in transition...
and Valerie's son
is named Martin Coplin...
- and he lives in Orlando, Florida-
- What? My son? Who is this man?
Not your son. Mel,
your father is named, uh...
Fritz Boudreau,
and he lives in Gundall, Michigan.
- So I was thinking, maybe on our way to New York, we
could stop off or-
- Who are these people in my home?
- I feel like a complete idiot. I'm so-
- Well, I take these people into my home.
- I know.
- We fly all the way out here, we have
this big, tearful reunion-
Yeah, well, get it out, Nancy. It's
gonna make us all feel a lot better.
- Are you humouring me?
- No, I am not humouring you.
- I don't think this is funny.
- I'm very serious. I certainly don't-
- Excuse me! I expect you to pay for this damage.
Well, w-wait a minute. You said
it was a gift from God. Remember?
That's when you were my son.
- Well, don't you have insurance or something?
- And raise my premiums?
No, thank you. May I have
my pendant back, please?
- Can we have our shirt back?
- We'd let you keep it. It's just that we don't have very many of them.
- Yeah. There's only, like, ten left.
- Yeah. No, sure.
- Sorry.
- It's ok, I understand.
- Thanks.
- Have a nice life.
- Yeah, good luck with this whole family thing, you know.
- Thank you.
- I hope it works out right.
You have my other knee pad?
How could you be related? How?
She is a six-foot blonde descendant
from the clan Bucanon.
We were only trying
to be open to them.
Well, we could be open with them,
but we don't have to become them.
I thought she was my mother.
Come on, give me a break.
How did you happen to knock down
those glass shelves, anyway?
I don't know. I just-
You know, we were trying to fix
the camera, and we bumped into them.
It's strange you would just
happen to bump into them.
Well, we were also Indian wrestling.
Indian wrestling?
What is that?
It's just this game that kids play.
It's a very innocent little kids' game.
Why were you playing that?
Because we were talking
about athleticism in Tina's family...
and then how Valerie's family
was athletic also, and- I don't know.
- You're attracted to her, aren't you?
- No.
That's okay.
She's attractive.
Yeah, she's attractive,
but I'm, I'm married to you.
You know, she may be attractive,
but she's got a screw loose.
Yes, I agree with you.
She's very eccentric.
But I'm definitely-
I'm in love with you, honey. Honey?
OK, I think this is the place.
- This looks muy macho, doesn't it?
- Creepy to me.
Oh, no, look.
Somebody's coming out, Mel.
Hey! Hi!
- Excuse me. Is one of you fellows Fritz Boudreau?
- Hey!
- Did I invite you onto my property?
- Hey, take it easy! Take it easy!
- Tina, don't go over there!
- Hey! Oh, my God!
Would you let me explain?
We can talk about-
- Fuck! Run!
- What's happening?
Fuck! The car's this way!
Would you stay away!
Son of a bitch!
- Doesn't he want to see me?
- Well, I felt so bad about San Diego,
I bent the rules a little bit.
- Did you- Did he- Did you call them?
- Yes, I tried to!
- His phone isn't working.
- What the fuck you people talking about?
We just wanted to know if one of you is Fritz
Boudreau, because they said he was my father.
What did they say?
Who said I'm your father?
- She did.
- The Maidstone Adoption Agency.
Why, you little shit!
Look at this turd face, Mitch!
This turd is my son.
I'm sorry, man. Did we scare you?
- Yeah, a little.
- We were scared too.
How did we know? I dropped
a lot of baby batter in my day.
- This is the first son I ever met.
- Wow. - What a wonderful moment.
- I wish I had my camera.
- You picked a hell of a time to drop by, turd face.
- Well, your phone wasn't working.
- Nah, I don't need no son to give me no guilt trip about a phone.
Fritzie, Fritzie, we gotta
get goin', pal. Remember?
- What?
- Shit.
- Come on. - Goin'
somewhere? - Yeah.
- Where do you have to go?
- We gotta get the wheels balanced for a big trip tomorrow.
- Where you goin'?
- After Eugene balances the wheels...
- we're gonna be out for about three weeks.
- Three weeks? Really?
- Bad timing.
- Why don't we bring 'em along?
Huh? You know, it's only
minutes over to Eugene's.
- Yeah. Come on with us.
- What? In the truck?
- Hey, you ever been in a truck before?
- No, not really.
How do you like this?
First time in a rig, huh?
- It's great.
- It's really fabulous, Mr Boudreau.
Some people look down on drivers,
like we're low class.
Not me. I always wanted to learn
how to drive a big rig.
- You never told me that.
- Well, I might not have voiced it until now...
- but it's always been a fantasy of mine.
- You want a lesson?
- You'd give me a lesson?
- Sure! Why not?
Let's not do this
while the baby's in the truck.
- Don't you trust me?
- Of course I trust you.
- But he's never done this before.
- She's not gonna let you drive the truck, so forget about it.
- Are you sayin' my son's a bitch boy?
- I didn't say that!
- What's your name again?
- Mel.
You ain't no bitch boy,
are ya, Mel?
No, I don't believe
I'm a bitch boy.
Don't let him bait you
into doing something stupid, Mel.
Nancy, Mel needs your support now.
- Yeah, I need your support, honey.
- Yeah.
- I support you, Mel.
- Me too!
I wanna get out.
You're acting like a real asshole.
Pussy-whipped.
We're comin' back in minutes.
What's the big deal?
Hey! Get away!
Have a great trip, okay?
- We'll be supporting you from out here.
May I have my baby, please?
- Nancy.
Just send us a postcard, 'cause we'll be
right here at the Gundall Post Office, okay?
This isn't gonna take long, honey.
Just calm down.
So remember, it's like a butterfly's
wings. Use a little gas, a little clutch.
- A little gas, a little clutch.
- A little gas, a little clutch. What happens if I hit this?
- What does that do? Is that okay?
- You know somethin'? You got a-
You got a kind of Jew look, don't you?
Well, the people who raised me are Jewish.
Maybe that's what you're picking up on.
They-They gave you
a real "Hebe" look, kid.
- Mitch, don't say that. That's not nice.
- Wait a second. Wait-
No, it's not a Jew face. It's-
It's a face like Old Needledick's!
Yeah! You're not in some kind
of science, are you, kid?
Science? Actually,
I'm an entomologist.
- Entomologist sounds like science to me.
- Wait, wait, wait.
Who's-Who's Old Needledick?
What are you talking about?
When I met your mother, I was ridin'
with the Angels in Oakland, Cal.
- Uh-huh. The Hell's Angels? Uh-huh.
- Yeah.
And we got invited
to all these fancy parties...
because rich people liked
to hang around with the Angels...
and musical bands and whatnot.
And your mother
meets this guy, Richard Schlich-
- I can never pronounce that cocksucker's name.
- Schlichling.
Okay, okay. So she meets this guy,
Richard Schlich- Schlichling.
- And what? What? They went off together?
- They ran off together...
to Antelope Wells.
- You're saying-
- This can't be happening.
You're saying you're not sure
if you're my father?
- I'm sorry to disappoint you.
- But the records show...
that-that you're the one
who brought him into the agency.
I did a good deed as a favour, because
his mother and father were indisposed.
- Indisposed how?
- You'll have to ask your mother about that.
But we don't know where she is.
So isn't it possible...
that you got her pregnant
before she left you?
- No, no, no! With this face, this science thing-
- Hey, we're movin' backwards here.
- Where's the brake? Do I-
- Put it in first.
Oh, my God! Mel!
I don't think it's wrong to want to take
a driving lesson with your father, right?
- I'm not speaking to you.
- Sweetie, I'm sorry about this.
Give me a kiss.
Sweetie, give me-
- Hey, Mr Boudreau, where is Antelope Wells?
- Please step off.
- Sorry, do you know where Antelope Wells is?
- I have no idea. Just-
She doesn't know what the hell she's
doing. That man was a lunatic, a stranger!
- Okay, okay.
- Mr Boudreau, please, before you go...
- Tommy, get her off me! Move!
- just tell me where Antelope Wells is.
- When I say step off, I mean step off!
- Hey! I am from New York, okay?
On the upside, Antelope Wells
should be warmer than this place.
So we're just gonna jump on a plane
to New Mexico? Is that it?
Well, I think that we should finish
what we started.
Agent Paul Harmon,
Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms.
This is Agent Tony Kent.
Now let's see.
You, uh, you thought this Fritz Boudreau was
your father, but, in fact, he's not your father.
- Well, no, I-
- Tony. Tony Kent.
- Nancy Curwin.
- This is unbelievable!
We went to high school
together in Chicago.
- You look fantastic!
- No!
- God!
- What are you doing in this police job?
Oh, I need a health plan while I'm writing
my first book. What are you doing now?
- I'm curating.
- Excuse me. There's something here we gotta take care of.
- Okay?
- I'm sorry, Paul. Go ahead.
You do know it's a Federal offence
to destroy a United States post office.
Well, it wasn't like it was
some premeditated act of terrorism.
- You know what I mean?
- I'll be the judge of that.
Now, the ostensible purpose
for this truck ride was what exactly?
He was giving me a lesson.
It was very simple.
- He just wanted to teach me how to drive the truck.
- This baby is beautiful.
- Thanks.
- Oh, gorgeous blue eyes.
- Tony, Tony, Tony.
- You know, he looks a lot like you.
- Thank you.
- Tony. Tony.
- Just- In a minute.
- Give the baby back.
- Hey, feel his little grip. It's so strong.
- Feel it.
- Jesus Christ!
- Hey.
- I'm s- I'm-
- You're under way too much stress.
- Listen, this man drove a semi into a Federal building.
You were gonna give him a warning.
It's an accident, remember.
- There's certain procedures that you have to follow.
- Right. He's got a valid licence.
- Not to drive a truck! He does not!
- It was the trucker's fault...
- for letting him drive in the first place.
- All right, okay. Can I talk with you in private?
This is my investigation.
- I just said you didn't have to suspend his licence.
- Here, I'll take the baby.
- You gotta start taking the job-
- So what's the deal with this guy, huh?
- We went to high school together.
- You just went to high school together?
- Mm-hmm.
- Did you know him well, or is it-
- He was on the football team.
- Oh, the football team. Oh.
- It's not a murder. It's not a bank robbery.
- Okay, okay.
- Just cut the baby crap.
- Oh, all right. I'm sorry.
So it looks like
this Boudreau fellow...
is gonna take the rap
for you driving the truck, so...
I'm just gonna give you a warning.
But I'm- If you-
If you drive a truck again, they're
gonna take your licence away for sure.
- Okay.
- You understand?
Yes, I understand. Thank you.
- Is that it? Are we free to go now?
- You are free to go, yes.
- Great. Let's get out of here.
- Uh, hey, do you guys have a place to stay tonight?
- Probably check into a motel.
- No, don't do that.
- There's so many wonderful B&B's
right here in Lake Michigan.
- Oh, I hate B&B's.
- Why do you hate B&B's?
- Well, first of all, there's no privacy.
- No privacy. Uh-huh.
- Yeah. And you have to make chitchat...
- with the boring old lady who runs the place-
- That's kind of the fun, isn't it?
Yeah, there's always the little cat.
You have to pretend like you like the cat.
Yeah, well, whatever we do, we need
to eat first, 'cause I'm starving.
- Why don't we take you out to dinner?
- Are we apologizing for the arrest?
No, but it would be nice
to catch up with Nancy.
- We could take them to Minetti's.
- Minetti's is great...
- but you're not gonna get a reservation
this time of night at Minetti's.
- Thanks. Thanks anyway.
- But we'll be fine, really.
- See? We don't want to intrude, Tony.
No, no, no. Don't be silly. We're getting
sick of each other's company anyways.
You see? I told you.
- Hey, stop that!
- I can't believe you're a writer now.
Well, an aspiring writer. I'm trying to get this
whole book together, this crime fiction thing.
You were such a jock in high school.
You were so wild.
I know. And you were
such an egghead, remember?
- No.
- You were an egghead.
- No!
- So what I'm asking is, you fly into
Albuquerque and then rent a car...
- Pseudo-intellectual.
- and how far-
- It's way down. Way down at the southeastern
corner of the state.
- It's almost in Mexico, in fact.
- Wait. Excuse me. Have you been there before?
- I've been near there.
Antelope Wells is right near the
White Sands National Monument.
They've got this fantastic, uh, hot springs
nearby that not many people know about.
Oh, I wish you could come along and show
me around while Mel meets his family.
- You have the personal days. You should do it, Paul.
- I can't take time off work right now.
- Unbelievable line at the bathroom!
- I told 'em they gotta get a bigger bathroom.
Look at him. He loves you.
You're wonderful with children.
Oh, I want one of these
so badly. I'm telling you.
Hey, could you help me out
with an adoption, Tina?
Well, that depends on the specifics
of your situation.
- Well, like what?
- Number one: Are you married?
- Yes.
- Number two: Does your spouse work?
- Yeah. - And is she willing to adopt?
- You see, that's where the snag is.
Then you've got a real problem.
What would my chances be
as a single parent?
- Excuse me, please.
- Why can't you stay and discuss this?
- I believe in privacy, that's why.
- Right. We have nothing to be ashamed of, though.
I don't want to share my personal life
with everybody I meet, okay?
She's not just anyone.
She works in an adoption agency.
I thought that she
could be helpful. God!
You know, I keep telling him that having a baby
will reduce stress by taking his mind off work...
but he just-
he doesn't listen, you know?
So where did you folks come down
on the big circumcision controversy?
'Cause, you know, there's a movement
afoot these days to keep the foreskin...
and, personally, I think a boy's penis
should look just like his father's.
- You know?
- Yeah, mm-hmm.
- Can I have the baby?
Oh, sure. Yeah.
Here we go. Oh, so cute.
My late husband devised
his own anti-erosion system...
that later on we had patented
on the advice of a dear friend...
who was in a law office
with Gerald Ford.
My brother has the same birthday
as President Ford...
who is a very sweet man.
We met him twice.
Once at a political rally
and once at a golf tournament.
And his wife
is such a sweet lady.
Betty Ford is so pretty.
And why couldn't we go to a motel?
Because at a motel
we don't have the bonus...
of someone related
to Gerald Ford's birthday.
We forgot your father's birthday.
Oh, fuck.
- Hello?
- Hi, Mom.
So, how's the psychic healing going?
I am really sorry we didn't
get back for Dad's birthday.
It's all right. We'll try it again
when he turns ...
provided he lives that long
and you're not too busy.
- I said I was sorry.
- Why are you whispering?
- Because I'm not supposed to be using this phone.
- Are you all right?
We're fine. It's just-
There was a big mix-up in San Diego...
and then I ended up flattening
a post office with a truck.
- What truck?
- Truck? What's happening with a truck?
We had the wrong information. But we have the right
information now, and we're going to New Mexico.
- New Mexico?
- Tell him they got uranium in the water down there.
Shush. He's in
some kind of trouble.
- Did your car get bumped in San Diego?
- No!
I mean, yes, there was
a minor incident. Nothing-
No, no! We don't do this here,
unless it's an emergency.
- What's the emergency?
- Is it the baby?
- Oh, my God! What's wrong with the baby?
- The baby is fine.
- Good. Then hang up.
- Do you need help?
- Things aren't- - Do you see this
sign? "No phone calls after : pm."
- "Use gas station at corner. "
- All right. Could I, could I just have seconds, please?
No. Do you want to pay
my phone bills?
- Thirty seconds.
- Hang up!
- Is that tyrant your mother?
- No. I have to go, all right?
- We're gonna be with the Schlichtings.
- The "Shitkings"?
- What kind of a name is Shitking?
- Schlichting. Schlichting. They're my parents.
- What kind of a name is Shitking?
- Verboten means verboten!
- I don't know.
I think it's German.
We're gonna be in Antelope Wells.
Hello? Mel?
- I used my calling card.
- That's not the point!
I think something terrible
is happening to him.
- Calm down, calm down.
- I can't calm down!
- What did he say?
- We have to do something.
- All right, well, we'll call back.
- We can't call back.
He's on his way
to New Mexico, for God's sake!
Who knows what kind of people he's with?
Anything is possible.
Don't say that!
You're starting to scare me.
- I am not. You were already scared.
- I was not!
- Yes, you were.
- Eddie, we have to do something!
Like what?
There's nothing we can do.
- The kitchen's off-limits after : .
- What are you, her spy?
- Why didn't you use Tina's phone?
- 'Cause Tina's phone isn't working.
You know, it's starting to feel like
this whole thing is a big waste of time.
- You're feeling frustrated.
- Yes, I'm feeling very frustrated.
I was worried your expectations
were too high for all of this.
- You know, maybe we should just forget
everything and go home.
- Don't do that.
You always get so pessimistic when you're
close to finishing something you've started.
- I do not.
- Yes, you do. You did it with the apartment.
You loved it so much. The day we go to
sign the lease, you start freaking out.
And the wedding.
How many times did you change the date?
You're right. You're right.
I do this all the time.
So stick to your plan
for once, okay?
If you want to find your parents,
find your parents.
- Oh, hi.
- Hi.
- Are you okay? You seem upset.
- I owe you a big apology.
- I mean, this is not the way I planned this trip,
not the way I wanted it to turn out.
- No
Look, look, it's been kind of difficult,
but I think we've gotten past the bumps.
You know, I feel really good
about where we're going.
I really think it's gonna be great.
You're such an optimist.
Where does that come from?
Well, you know, I've always said it's
a mistake to let pessimism take over...
right before you're
about to finish something.
That's the complete opposite of my
ex-husband. He was such a pessimistic pig.
Well, I think you're doing
a great job. Really.
- Really.
- Thanks.
- Good night.
- Good night. Good night.
Thanks.
Shit.
What was that noise?
Did you drop something?
Goddam cat flew out of nowhere.
Scared the hell out of me.
- What are you doing?
- Huh?
- Where'd you get the pup tent?
- I-
I'm feeling very sexual.
I don't know.
I'm just feeling like I want to-
Wait. Let me just
take my glasses off.
Wait a second. Wait, Mel!
Mel, look at me.
Just slow down for a second.
Let's take our time.
- Look at me.
- Huh? Why?
- Why aren't you looking at me?
- What? What? I'm looking at you!
- Why do I have to look at you? I mean-
- Well, why can't you look at me?
I don't know.
I don't know what's going on.
I mean, don't you ever think
that maybe it's not natural...
for two people to be together
their entire lives?
- Do you ever think that?
- Oh, I get it.
Your parents
weren't good enough for you...
and now I'm not good enough for you
because Tina's a skinny dancer, right?
- No. What?
- You know, it takes some women...
more than a year to get back to their
normal weight after having a baby.
- You are not good B&B people!
- Yeah, well, that's because we hate B&B's!
- Thanks.
- Look, we need to talk.
- Okay.
- I'm, I'm not sure I'm ready for an affair
with a married man right now.
I'm feeling just as confused as you are,
okay? About the whole thing, all right?
I'm in the middle of a divorce.
I'm going to school at night.
You know, I need to be taken
seriously as a woman.
I want to have my own children.
I want to have my own life, you know?
Not just some sort of vicarious
semblance of like somebody else's life.
Shit.
- What's the matter with her?
- Hi.
She's upset about the way everything's
going. She's really- Yeah.
Listen, I feel like I owe you
an apology about last night.
- Okay.
- Well, I mean, I think we should discuss it...
- because, you know, there's two sides to everything.
- Hey, you guys!
That doesn't sound
like an apology.
What the hell?
- Hey!
- Hello again, strangers.
- Hey. Hi.
- I'm sorry that I stormed out like that last night.
But I suffer from hypertension.
You probably already knew that.
The whole thing was a blessing, really, because it
finally made Paul realize how much he needs some R&R.
- Sometimes you gotta be zonked on the head. What can I say?
- Wait a minute, wait a minute.
- Wait a minute. You guys are going to New Mexico?
- We're goin', yeah.
Nothing like a cruel acceptance
of a casual invitation, right?
- Invitation? What invitation?
- I think you were in the bathroom.
- Oops. Did we jump the gun here?
- No, this'll be fine.
No, wait. What do you mean
it's fine? It's fine?
- We're sightseeing. We're not gonna get in your way.
- I'm glad to have the company.
- It's gonna be fun.
- Look, we already checked in. Why don't I find a row for the baby, okay?
- Terrific!
- Okay. Bye-bye.
- Thanks.
- Bye.
- We'll see you on board, Mel.
I'm sorry about that.
I didn't expect them to show up, honey.
- So what? You just had a little extra hostility to work out?
- It isn't hostility.
- I just barely mentioned it to them.
- Right, great.
- Right?
- Right?
- Great. Whatever, okay.
I wasn't circumcised
until I was a year old.
- Wow! Why?
- I had hypospadias.
- What is that?
- Well, hypospadias is like a curvature of the penis that-
- They have to adjust it with a whole operation.
- Really?
- Yeah. I had it done when I was young. I mean, it's fine now.
- Oh, wow.
- Here you go. Honey?
- What?
- Why don't you cover yourself, hmm?
I just finished nursing him, okay?
Ever heard of hypospadias?
Is there something wrong
with the plane?
- How, how is the nipple irritation?
- It's really bad, actually.
You know why?
'Cause I, I was watching you...
and I think you might be holding him
at the wrong angle.
- I've been doing this for a while now.
- Oh, I know you have.
But, but, you see, when he's under,
when he's under your breast like this...
he pulls down on the nipple which
obviously causes more irritation.
But if you're out here and bring him
straight into the breasts-
- You know? I mean-
- How'd you get to be such an expert on all this?
- I went out with a woman who was a midwife.
- Really?
- Yeah. You have very beautiful breasts, by the way.
- Thank you.
I remember them from high school.
- Do you?
- Yeah. No, not that I was like looking at them...
but, I mean,
I just saw them in passing.
Hey, Paul? Do you mind finding
another seat?
- I won't look.
- No, no. We need it for the baby to stretch out.
- It would really help us out.
- Oh. Another seat, huh?
- Yeah.
- Oh, ok- Yeah.
- Yeah? Great.
- Thanks a million. Thanks.
- No, that's-
- Thanks.
- OK.
- Hey, thanks for the water.
- Yeah.
- That's the headache pressure point.
- Mmm.
- Can you feel it?
- Yeah.
Is there something happening here
that I haven't been clued into yet?
Paul, would you mind
finding another seat?
This is wonderful. This is great.
I just- I can't believe how naive I am.
Sir, I can't have you moving around.
Please sit in your assigned seat, okay?
Okay, okay.
Is anybody sitting here?
Does anybody actually own a white
Taurus, or are they all just rentals?
Are you kidding me? This is the most reliable
mid-size in America, according to all the big reports.
I'm feeling very depressed, and I would
like to talk about what's happening here.
- What are you feeling depressed about?
- I feel like there's an agenda and it's not what I had in mind.
- What agenda?
- Well, do I have to spell it out? I'm the fifth wheel here.
- How do you think that makes me feel?
- We're riding in two cars until we get to the B&B, Paul.
- That's not an agenda.
- Let's just hit the road, okay?
You don't mind
if he rides with you, right?
- Why can't he ride with you?
- See what you're doing to me?
- Ride with us. I don't care. Ride with us.
- Oh, that's so generous of you, Tony.
You know, I think I'll ride
with illicit couple number two.
Oh, no. He does this to me
every eight months.
- I ought to get used to it by now, but-
- What? What does he do?
He gets antsy and he runs off
with somebody else.
Well, I think that that's common, you
know, among certain types of married men.
I'm the rock, he's the flake.
So that's life.
That's exactly what my ex-husband used to
say when he was trying to feel superior to me.
Tony's flights of terror from his own life...
have nothing to do with my superiority.
Well, it's not terror that makes people wander.
- It's vitality.
- I see. Is it vitality that led Mel to leave his wife for you?
- Paul, would you mind riding in the other car?
- I don't know. I don't mind.
- Good. Could we just pull over here?
- Yeah. I think-
So what happened
in the other car anyway?
Oh, Paul was probably
lecturing them, right?
No, I wasn't lecturing them. I was asking
questions. That's all. I wasn't lecturing.
Oh, my God. Is that-
You brought your gun.
Absolutely I brought it. You never-
You get beeped for an emergency.
You know, you're such a hopeless workaholic.
We're on vacation, for God's sake.
- Oh, yeah, such a good time.
- Mel's like that too. He cannot enjoy anything.
- You know, if you-
If you can't commit to our marriage now, what
are you gonna do when we have a baby? Huh?
Why can't he ride with you, huh? Hey,
you invited them in the first place.
- Could you pass me the Baby Wipes?
- Where are you going?
- To pee.
- You're just gonna- Right here?
You're just gonna squat?
- Why do you have to take your keys with you to pee anyway?
- I just wasn't thinking, okay?
I don't know how many times
I've told you to keep your keys...
- in one place.
- Just shut up! Fuck.
Nancy was saying you guys were having
some tension around oral sex?
- Oh, was she?
- Yeah.
- Really?
- Yeah. Uh- Hey.
- It happens to me too, but...
you know, a technique that I find
useful- humming to myself.
- Humming to yourself?
- Yep, humming.
- Seems to release the tension so I can enjoy the fellatio. It's great.
- Great. Great.
- Thank you. Thanks for the tip.
- You bet.
Do you worry about the risk factor
involved in gay sex?
You know, it may be news to you, but
not every gay man has, uh, anal sex.
That's where a lot
of the HIV risk lies.
For example, I'm very anal. Uh, I-
I mean, in, uh, in the sense...
that I'm compulsively careful
and clean about what touches my body.
- Not into penetration, at all.
- To a fault.
- Okay, do we have to talk about this right now?
- Well, why not?
- Are you a homophobic?
- No, I-
- I think it's interesting.
- Really? Well, I think in front of the baby we shouldn't.
- Oh, God.
- Nancy's just testing the risk factor for sex with Tony, Mel.
- What?
- Paul, don't patronize her.
- I'm not patronizing her.
She knows that I came of age
in the era of AIDS...
and even though I'm bisexual
I've been incredibly careful, okay?
- Tested negative three times in the last seven months.
- Really?
- Runway ready for takeoff.
- If I remember correctly. Yeah, three times.
- What does that mean?
I'm sorry. Uh, maybe we should've
sprung for an updated edition, huh?
Hmm. I mean, uh, the picture's
right here. It was a nice B&B.
Yeah, they probably had something about the
uranium contamination in the new edition.
Did it ever occur to you
to call first? Or-
Without spontaneity, the world
of B&B's is fairly meaningless.
Oh. Well, then, I hope you have a tent because
that's the only way that you can be spontaneous...
in the middle of the desert
at this hour.
Maybe Mel's parents
can suggest a place.
Oh, right, I'm just going to,
uh, show up with people.
"Hi. I haven't seen you for
about years. This is my posse.
And, by the way, Nancy invited along
these two gay guys just for fun...
and, you know, we're gonna
be here for a while."
What does "gay guys"
have to do with anything?
Nothing. It has nothing to do with anything,
okay? I didn't mean to be insulting.
Then why'd you say it, neurotic guy?
That's my designation?
I'm "neurotic guy"?
I don't think you know me well
enough to call me "neurotic guy".
Oh, really?
"Gay guy" isn't intimate?
- Look, do you wanna file an anti-defamation suit...
- There's no intimacy happening here.
or do you want to get to the
"Schwingkings" before midnight? Okay?
Is this another surprise visit,
or did you call first this time?
- No, I spoke with them already. I told you that, Nancy.
- What? What?
- What?
- What, do you want to get intimate? Is that what you're saying?
- Hey, the baby's going to sleep.
- Huh? No?
- Did you hear that?
- Yeah.
- This is a long porch.
- It's a beautiful house, though.
- Sorry.
- Do you think you can wait back in the car?
- Gotta go to the bathroom.
- Hi!
- It's so late. We were getting worried about you.
- I hope my directions were all right.
- Oh, they were great. This place is so isolated.
- Oh, that's what we love about it too.
I'm Tina Kalb. We spoke on the phone.
- Oh, yeah, right.
- We were shocked to get your call yesterday.
- Nice to meet you.
- I'm just amazed that you ran into Fritz Boudreau
after all these years.
- He's something.
- Yeah. Well, he never got over the fact
that Mary left him for me.
Which one of you is Mel?
It's me.
- Mary Schlichting.
- Oh, so that's how you pronounce it.
- Nobody ever gets it right. Hi.
- And this must be your wife.
- Nancy.
- Nancy, hi. Welcome to our family.
- Look at the baby.
- Well, he's sleeping.
- These are friends.
- Uh, Tony and Paul.
- Mr Schlichting.
- Hello, uh, Paul. Hi. Hello. How you doing?
- I'm Tony.
They were going to stay
at Rancho Arroyo.
- Oh, my goodness. You can't stay there.
- Oh, yeah. No, they found that- We read about that.
- Uranium, yeah.
- Highly toxic.
Thank God that's far away from here.
You don't have to worry about that.
- Well, could you recommend a motel?
- Oh, no! No.
- Oh, no need to go to a motel.
- There isn't a decent motel for a hundred miles.
- And we have plenty of room here for all of you.
- Oh, thank you.
- Great.
- Sure, sure.
- I don't want everyone to stay here with you.
- Why can't everyone stay here?
- Because this is a private thing.
- You know, if I could just lay down. I'd like
to go right to bed and put the baby to sleep.
Sure. Let me help you. Don't you want
to eat something before you-
- No. Thanks. I'm not hungry.
- Nancy, come on. You're always hungry.
- Fuck you.
- What? I'm, I'm sorry?
It's just- You know, this isn't
the time or the place for this, okay?
Oh, but it was the time and place
to wrestle with her...
in San Diego, right, and break
a bunch of glass animals?
That's fine?
That was a perfect time?
- I'm sorry, is this inappropriate?
- Nothing in this house is inappropriate.
We'll be upstairs.
You know, I-I'll get the, the bags.
I think I want to lay down too.
I bet you would.
- Hmm. Hmm.
- Having some problems, huh?
Yeah, we're kind of having
a little bit of a-
Is this, some kind of a swapping thing
you got here?
- That what it is?
- No, no. There's a little friction, that's all.
- And these guys came along with us.
- Well, you know-
- You know, marriage is tough. You just got-
You gotta be flexible in marriage.
- Yeah.
- This thing is wonderful, by the way. Who made this?
- That's my work.
Really? You did this? Wow.
Yeah, I got a blacksmith shop out in
the barn, and I do my sculptures there...
- and Mary throws her pots.
- Great.
- Really? She's into, into pottery?
- Oh, she's gonna love showing you her pottery.
Yeah, look at this.
See, this, this is slab construction.
If you can see the-
When I roll it out, then I have
weeds in with the rolling pin.
- I press them right into the surface.
- You know, just ordinary weeds.
- You put the weeds in the clay, yeah.
And then when you fire it, the the weeds
burn off. Feel, just stick-
- See, so where the weeds were, you get the-
- Stick your fingers in here, you know.
- Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah-
- Now, stick two fingers inside...
- and just caress the- That's it. Now-
- Oh, okay. There you go. Yeah.
Uh-huh. Now feel the texture on the out-
No, against your face.
Oh, it's kind of- Yeah, it's very rough.
- That texture is really amazing.
- It looks rough...
- but it's very smooth, isn't it?
- Right, right, it's smooth...
Smoother than you would think,
but, but still, still really-
This is wonderful. Great stuff. And you guys,
you guys are making a living through the arts, huh?
Well, we try. Sometimes you have to supplement.
- Yeah, you have to supplement with other things.
- These are all mine.
Every one of them, I made- Oh, let me-
I want to show you a big one I love.
This environment is so much more
creative than the one I grew up in.
- Oh, thanks. That's nice.
- This is a wood fire process.
- Is this?
- Hmm?
- Who's that?
- That's our other son.
- You mean I have a brother?
- You wanna say hello to Lonnie?
Yes. He's been feeling a little threatened
about meeting you, so be patient.
Hi. How you doing? That's
a beautiful song you're playing there.
- Is supper almost ready? Lonnie?
- We better go in and, and eat.
He's been cooking all day.
Bagged the quail himself this morning.
Ooh, wild quail. That's terrific.
Oh, you're in for a great treat.
Lonnie's a really good cook.
Ooh, the special son is here tonight
Little Cinderella oughta cook up
Something special for him
Lonnie, can you make
Your quail tonight
Okay.
You know what I want to have happen?
Mel, I want you to sit over there
next to your father.
- Oh, it's okay.
- Why?
Then I have all three
of my fellows in a row.
All right. Come on.
Come on. Come around.
- You should take your, your plate with you.
- That's all right. I didn't touch it.
Come on, come on. Sit down.
You like quail?
- See?
- No, I never had quail.
You all right?
- I just don't wanna talk about it. I need to calm down.
- All right.
Well, if you do wanna talk about it,
you know, I, I wanna be here for you.
- Thank you.
- Want me to take care of the baby?
He's fine. He's sleeping.
- Um, do you mind if I take a shower?
- No, I don't care, but could I-
- Could I just have a second?
- Okay.
So, um, Fritz said you were
a scientist, Richard.
Yeah, I was a chemist for Maple Brothers
in the Bay Area before we came out here.
- Right, the aspirin company.
- Yeah.
Decongestants, nasal sprays, all that
consumer crap. I couldn't wait to quit.
- Oh, he hated it.
- I'm a scientist too.
- No, you're kidding!
- Yeah.
- Oh, my God! What's your specialty? What's your field?
- Entomology.
Isn't that incredible?
- A genetic connection!
- Yeah. See, that is wonderful.
- Oh, my God! That's incredible!
For some reason, Lonnie never seemed
to have an interest in science.
- What does that mean?
- Hey, she doesn't mean anything.
It means that you never had an interest in science.
Look at the other things you do.
Yeah, well, who knows? I might have had an interest
in sculpture if these guys didn't give me away.
- Yeah, who knows what might have happened?
- Yeah, I know.
- Give me a kiss.
- Yeah, wh-wh-what did happen?
- About what?
- Well, why did you guys give me up?
Why did we give him away?
- The big question.
- That's the question.
Well, Fritz Boudreau said
that you were indisposed...
and so that's how he came
to bring Mel to the agency.
- "Indisposed"? Is that what he said?
- Yeah
- That's the word Fritz used?
- Yeah, big word for the fellow, huh?
- That would have been nice.
- I wouldn't mind being indisposed.
- Okay, I'm gonna tell the story.
Um, how, how much detail
do you have to go into here?
I want Mel to know what happened, or
he'll never believe we cared about him.
- What are you hanging onto that for?
- You're holding onto it.
- I'm not holding onto anything.
- I'm letting it go.
- Uh, you're holding onto these things.
Uh, tell him. Good, tell him.
I don't care. Go ahead.
So, Mel, you know we were living in San
Francisco, and it was the mid ' s, right?
- Uh-huh, yeah.
- And we were part of a very progressive
group of artists...
- and there was one band at the centre of it.
- A band? Wh-Wh-What band?
Jerry Garcia, blah, blah, blah.
I am so sick of this fucking story!
It's so boring! You've been
telling it for years! Give it up!
- He doesn't like it when I tell this story.
- What happened with Jerry Garcia?
Nothing happened with Jerry
Garcia, but Richard and I went to prison-
- Right after you were born.
- And that's why we had to give you away.
- You went to prison?
- Oh, don't be stigmatized by it.
- It wasn't a serious crime.
- Oh, God, it was nothing.
- Not even a crime.
- It was absolutely nothing.
- Next to nothing, really.
- Have you ever, you know, like, driven...
a few miles over the speed limit,
or something like that?
- Yeah, sure.
- It was less than that.
If you speed, y-you know,
you could hurt somebody.
- This is-
- So, you were jailed for driving?
- No, no, no. No, there was no driving.
- How did they get that?
I'm, I'm sorry, I'm totally lost here.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Here, I'll get out of your way.
- What are you doing?
- Oh, I don't know. What did I do?
- Oh, no, no. It's okay. Relax. Relax.
- No, watch out. You-
- I- You could hurt your fingers.
- Watch how you-
- Whoops.
- Sh-
- I'm so clumsy.
- No, you're not.
You know, I have these,
uh, these, these-
- three Italian prints at
home that I keep, uh-
- Mm-hmm.
I don't know what to do-
if I should frame them myself...
- or maybe I should take them to somebody else.
- I, uh- I would take them to the framer.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, well-
- So maybe that's what I'll do. I think-
- Do you want to take a shower?
- No, go ahead.
- No, I mean together?
Your husband's been taking you for
granted a little bit, don't you think?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Ok. Let me go get
my shower cap.
- You made LSD? Is that what you're saying?
- Yeah. Oh, yeah, but-
- We made LSD.
- Yes, yes. We made acid.
- And we gave it out to people who needed it.
You know that there are hundreds of
pharmaceutical executives in this country...
that are selling drugs,
FDA approved drugs?
- On the open market.
- Over the counter with incredible side-
- Horrible side effects.
- Terrible side effects.
- And these people are not in jail.
- They're not in prison anywhere.
They're, they're, they're in country clubs
or playing golf. They're having drinks.
They're running the country.
They're running the country, Mel.
- You know, LSD shouldn't be a felony
in the first place.
- It's not addictive.
- It doesn't lead to violent crime.
- Uh-huh, uh-huh.
- It's really the only hope for the species.
- Yeah.
Did you take acid while
you were pregnant with me?
You're not gonna bring
that thing up, are you?
You know the stuff they tell you about, you
know, chromosome damage and all that stuff?
- Yeah, I do!
- That's government propaganda.
- Total propaganda.
- They just want to get a hold of your head, that's all.
I was relieved, though, when you came out
in the hospital and you only had one head.
- Very funny.
- She- She kills me!
- Oh, he was such a cute baby.
- It would've been kinda nice...
if he had, like, a third eye
right there, you know?
You know, you know, a third eye is a
symbol of enlightenment.
- You know, he's not- he's not,
he's not getting it. He's-
- Mel...
- identity is nothing but a mental construct.
- Mental construct?
- You mustn't fixate on it.
- Have you ever read any Tibetan Buddhism,
like Chaos theory?
- Oh, Geez.
- Paul?
- Is he okay?
- Are you okay there, Paul?
- Is this a musical table?
- "It is a musical table"?
- Paul, can I get you something?
- I'm not feeling very well.
- What do you mean?
- Let me help you. What is it?
- What are you going through?
- Do you want to lie down?
- I don't know.
- Can, can I get you something, Paul?
- How do you feel?
- Vivid.
I'm seeing colours that I don't want to see.
- Did you hear that?
- Just go with it. He needs to lie down.
- Wait, let me move this. You're gonna have to help me.
- Everything's moving.
- Paul, can you hear me?
- Goddam it! Lonnie!
- Don't fly off the handle.
- Come in here. Come here.
- What did you do to Paul's quail?
- Nothing. Why?
Come on. Don't give me that
fake innocence. What did you do?
I dosed Mel's dish. I meant it
for Mel, and then he ate it.
- Oh, my God. How much?
- Two and a half tabs.
Two and a half tabs?
Are you crazy? Are you nuts?
Doesn't your mother have
enough to worry about tonight?
Why do you have to talk to me like that?
- Am I talking to him in some special way?
- It's really embarrassing to me...
and I really don't
appreciate it in front of him.
- I mean, who is he?
- What's wrong with him?
- You got the whole science thing going...
and the next thing I, I know, you like him better
than me because he's more like you than I am.
- We love you very much. Even if you were
Jeffrey Dahmer, we would love you.
- Yeah, sure!
- You know, Mom, spare me the hyp-
- Wait, I'm not here to take your place.
- Please, Mel, please!
- Where do you get this insecurity from?
- I don't understand it. This drives me nuts!
- Uh, honey?
- Richard, you're criticizing.
- All right, all right.
I want you to apologize to Mel
and to Paul right now. C'mon. C'mon.
- I'm sorry.
- You're sorry for what?
- I'm sorry...
that I put windowpane in Mel's quail,
and I'm sorry that you ate it.
All right. All right. Go sit down.
I can't believe he-
Let's not blow this out of proportion, everyone.
Paul's gonna come down in about ten hours.
- Ten hours?
- I- It's-
I can't believe you you're actually keeping acid
in the house after you went to prison for it.
Wait till your son is . See if he does
everything you want him to do.
This is classic! Yeah, just keep blaming
it all on me, all your crap.
You just simmer down, you. And you take a
little responsibility for what you've done.
- Thank you, Mrs Cleaver.
- Excuse me. I'm sorry. Excuse me.
- This is a non-smoking house.
- Are you kidding?
You know, it's been a long day...
and, uh, I'm really, really tired.
So, uh, I'm gonna,
I'm gonna hit the hay.
Thank you very much for, um, dinner.
It was wonderful.
My love in Paris...
- Knows my secret
- Just go with it. Just go with it.
- He's gonna be fine.
- She's a great guide.
- I'm, I'm sure you are an excellent guide.
And I would like to thank you again for
this wonderful evening. It was really great.
- It was great seeing you. I loved meeting you.
- Yeah. Thanks.
I loved meeting you too,
and I'm just gonna hit the hay.
Mel, you're sure that you don't want dessert?
I think I'm gonna lay off the food.
- If you get hungry later, it's in the fridge, okay?
- Okay, good night. Nighty-night, you two.
- Will do. Good night.
- Chocolate mousse. You're gonna love it.
- Very nice to meet you. It was really great.
- See ya, Tina. - Tina! Good night, Tina.
- Go with it, Paul.
- I guess it's just one of those ex-felon...
pro-acid kind of non-smoking homes.
It's a weird, weird home.
And where's Nancy? Where is she?
- She's somewhere in one of these rooms with
Tony. They're in here-
- You know what, Mel?
You need to settle down. This is
overwhelming. This is hitting you all at once.
You know what, sweetheart? Just-
Just come in here for a second.
We'll just sit down, cool off a bit.
Boy!
Oh, boy.
Well, you know,
what did I expect, right?
I'm sorry this is all
hitting you at the same time...
but after it passes and things settle
down, you can think about starting over.
- Why can't you just use soap?
- You know, soap dries your skin out.
Not that I'm one of those women who obsesses
about old-looking skin after pregnancy.
I just happen to be obsessing
about it right now.
- Wait, wait, wait.
- You know, you're absolutely right.
We don't need to rush into this.
- I haven't even finalized my divorce yet.
- No, I could've kissed you just now...
and felt okay about it, but I didn't,
I felt really wrong.
Don't take this personally,
but with all your nervous energy...
you kinda remind me
of my mother.
- Do you mind if I look at your armpit?
- My armpit?
Yeah, it's my favourite part of
a woman's body. I mean, it- May I?
- What's attractive about an armpit?
- Are you kidding? Lots of things.
Look at this, the definition.
Look at the contours here.
The depth of the pocket.
Feel that? So nice.
- Of course I feel rejected.
- I'm sorry.
But I shouldn't. You're not
an appropriate partner for me.
Your life's a mess, and you
don't make enough money anyway.
That's a really nasty thing to say.
You just told me
I reminded you of your mother.
Well, she's- I mean, she's a good person.
She's got a lot of great qualities.
I don't want to wreck your marriage.
I know how painful that that can be.
My marriage is obviously
vulnerable at this point.
Every marriage is vulnerable,
otherwise being married...
wouldn't mean anything, would it?
- Paul.
- Tony. I need to see Tony.
- No, I want you to-
- I want you to tell me if you have a favourite animal.
- Oh, that's so stupid.
Listen to what Mary says. She's
a great guide, okay? Just listen to her.
- Okay.
- What's your-
- A dog.
- A dog. What is your favourite dog?
- A coll- St Bernard. St Bernard.
St Bernard. Good. I want you to picture a big,
furry St Bernard curled up by the fireplace.
- Can I change my mind?
- No, no, we're gonna stick with the St Bernard.
- I want to do a Springer Spaniel.
- No, it doesn't have to be the perfect dog.
- Uh, Dalmatian. Dal-
- No, no, no. D-
- Okay, Dalmatian. Now, this dog represents security-
- Schnauzer.
- What?
- Schnauzer.
- Shut the fuck up!
- I am trying to help you. Do you understand me?
- Hey, come on, sweetheart.
You're so good. Just relax, okay?
Just take it easy now. Take it easy.
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God!
Can we stop
all this craziness, huh?
- Yes! I wasn't even enjoying that.
- It seems like you were enjoying it.
- The attention, maybe, but-
- Okay. All right. Time for you to go, okay?
You haven't been treating her very well.
Do you know that?
Oh, You know what? You know what,
buddy? You got a lot of nerve.
You come in here,
you lick my wife's armpit.
You know, you- I-i'm gonna have that image
in my head...
- for the rest of my life of your tongue in there. It's-
- You deserve it.
- This is felonious, and I want to make an arrest.
- Warm him up.
- What? What he say?
- He's tripping his brains out.
He doesn't know who he is.
He said arrest. What do you mean he-
We don't know who he is.
- He's Mel's friend Paul.
- I know exactly who I am. I'm Paul Harmon.
- Good.
- Bureau of Tobacco, Tobacco, and Tobacco.
- Good. What is this, Paul?
- It is a badge.
- What kind of badge?
- I'm a Special Agent ma'am.
Twenty years in the service.
Graduated fourth in my class.
- Is this- Is this a joke?
- I don't joke about those things.
- Goddam it.
I knew it was weird. When they called
up out of the blue like that, I knew.
- No, you had to see your son.
- He's kidding. He's making a joke. He's just- Oh.
- You're not kidding.
- I am not kidding. Everything is under control.
I want you to both move over
against that wall. This is an arrest.
You have the right to remain silent.
You have the right to an attorney.
If you cannot afford an attorney,
we will provide an attorney for you...
because we provide things
for you people all the-
Oh! That really hurt.
I can't follow your fickle
little moods all over the place.
- That has got to change.
- Okay, I will. I promise.
If you just give me a chance,
let me show you I can be less selfish.
I- I-I will show you.
You will get concrete results.
You have got to earn that back
with some consistent behaviour, pal.
Look, I'm sorry I acted this way.
I'm sorry I've treated you this way.
I- I've got to be out of my mind
to risk losing you.
- You don't hit another human being!
- Will you be quiet!
Just shut the hell up!
Just be quiet.
All right, nobody heard us
upstairs. We're all right.
- We have to get him to a doctor.
- Oh, no. There's no doctor. Forget the doctor.
- What, no doctor? He's hurt. Paul.
- I've gotta think of what we're gonna do. Just give me a minute.
- Paul, wake up. Wake up, Paul.
- I'm not goin' back to jail.
You know where I'm goin'? I'm goin' to Mexico.
We're all goin' to Mexico.
- And we're taking him as a hostage.
- A hostage?
- Cool!
- What are you talking about?
- I'm not going to jail again.
- You understand me? I'm not going to jail!
- Paul, wake up.
This has to be a mistake.
Mel wouldn't do this to us.
- He's a pig!
- How do you know who Mel is?
Mel is probably in on this.
How do you know it's our son? It's not
our son. It's some fucking Federal Agent!
I know it's our son. I can tell.
- You think a mother doesn't know these things?
- Just shut up for a minute and listen.
We're gonna take him in the car, then we
go down to San Miguel to Stuart's place.
- We can be there by morning. Grab his foot.
- Paul, wake up- No!
No. I am not walking away from a home
that took us years to put together.
- No!
- Get the wheel barrow.
- This is insane.
We can't take him hostage.
This is a much bigger crime.
- Well, what do we do with him?
- Dump him in the brush.
- Brush! Good, good.
- Leave him and get outta here.
- Lonnie. Go clean out the lab.
- Right.
Don't break anything!
No, no.
Wait a minute.
Shit! This truck is not going
to make it to Mexico.
- So what are we-
- Oh, shit!
Put it in here.
My sciatica is killing me.
Would've been here an hour ago
if you'd listened to me.
It took two hours to find that there's no
place to get a good sandwich around here.
You can't keep making U-turns
in the middle of a highway, Eddie...
- even if you see what looks like a sandwich shop.
- Let's get this over with.
Eddie- Eddie, wait. Don't.
What's the matter?
Come on!
- I can't go in there.
- Why not?
- Look at this house.
- What's the matter with it?
Well, it's so all-American. It's-
- What are you talking about?
- Well, they're probably...
quiet, reasonable,
sensible people...
and Mel loves them,
and, you know, we're neur-
- And he- We're a source of embarrassment to him.
- But he's in trouble...
and that's why we came!
- It's possible I overreacted.
- Now you think you overreacted?
- Yeah. We-
- We just got off an aeroplane.
- We drove five and a half hours in the desert...
- Listen, Eddie...
- and you're telling me that you overreacted?
- I am not going in there to be rejected in front of his new parents!
- Yes, you are! Come on. Pearl.
- No, I'm not. Let go of me.
- Come on, Pearl.
- You're hurting my arm.
- You feel that?
- Get in the car before they hear us.
- I thought we were gonna eat here. I'm starving.
- We'll go back to the taco place.
- Tacos have cheese in them.
- Not all tacos have cheese in them, Eddie.
- Wait, is this our car?
- Of course it's our car.
- Do you remember this truck?
- What, do you have early Alzheimer's? It's a white rental car-
- Where's the car?
- It's over here. What's the matter with you?
- Why did you move it?
- I thought you moved it.
- Why would I move it?
- What are we taking that car for?
- I wanna take the blue truck.
- No, no, we can't take the truck.
- The truck can't make an -mile trip
- My blue truck. I want my blue truck.
- Mom, come on, come on!
- But my water broke in this truck.
Get in the car.
I love you. Get in the car.
Are you sure
all your doubting is over?
I'm sorry I took you for granted.
I'm sorry I hurt you.
I want to go home tomorrow.
So do I.
I want to get out of here.
- Slow down. There's the taco place.
- Why didn't you tell me you saw it?
I did tell you.
You were driving too fast.
You can't make U-turns
like this, Eddie.
- Relax. We're in the middle of nowhere.
- The, the sign!
The sign, the sign! The-
Aah! The car!
Goddam tourists! Shit!
- What did I just tell you about the U-turns?
- He was in my blind spot.
You could fit the state
of Wisconsin in your blind spot.
- It's their fault. They're in the wrong.
- Doesn't matter. I don't want some sheriff to come by here.
- Wh-Where's the- Where's the acid?
- It's in the trunk.
Look. Look, if things get tight, I want
you to do that spastic colon thing you do.
- No, no, I'm not gonna do spastic colon.
- Okay, now, do- something.
That thing you did when the cops stopped us in
Albuquerque, you know? That, that ulcer thing.
- Um- okay, I'll do reflux.
- All right. That's good. Okay.
- I am so sorry!
- Are you all right?
- Yeah, we're fine.
You can't just make
a blind U-turn like that.
I've got a sizable blind spot,
is my problem.
- Well, I don't see much damage here.
- No, it looks mostly cosmetic.
- Yeah. It's nothing. Why don't we just forget about it, all right?
- No, no.
Well, I don't know. We shouldn't leave the scene of
an accident. I'll call the police from the taco place.
Well, you can call the police
if you want to, but, I mean...
I- I'll tell you right now,
this, this is your fault here.
I mean, if we make a report, y-your
insurance rates are gonna go sky-high.
- I mean, it's up to you, but, I mean, I don't,
I don't see the point of it.
- Uh, Pearl, he's making sense.
No! I have never broken the law.
I am not going to be irresponsible now.
- Yeah, there's nothing irresponsible about this.
- No, absolutely. We're all fine.
There's- You can see
that we're perfectly okay.
I, uh, I, I just have this
preexisting medical condition.
My ileocecal valve is, uh-
doesn't work as it should.
And it allows c-corrosive juices-
They seem to rise up
into my oesophagus, and I-
I, I, I need to get home
so that I can lie down and-
- We, we really have to go.
- With my head elevated.
- Ileocecal valve?
- It's chronic.
- Nice meeting you.
Why did you let them get away?
We're better off.
Who knows what our liability is?
Y-Yes! What, what exactly is
our deductible damage waiver?
Here- Oh, my God!
- The car- it's registered to Mel!
- What?
Look at the- Check and see
if our luggage is in the trunk.
Huh?
What the hell is this?
- So then what happened?
- I don't know- I don't know where anybody is.
- I mean, I assume- I mean, look at this
place. It's a wreck.
- Well, I see the place.
And I'm looking for him, and I can't find him.
- So where-
- They probably took him to the hospital, Tony.
I mean, he, he was-
They didn't take him
to the hospital. Look. Paul!
Oh, my God!
You can't catch the wind!
- Jerry?
- Mm-hmm.
- Jerry Garcia Jerry?
- Yeah!
I mean, it's in the family.
It's got a whole history to it.
You don't even like
the Grateful Dead.
I never said I don't like them. I just haven't
ever listened to that much of their music.
Unless you still like Ethan.
This is obviously much more important
to you than it is to me.
Okay? So you pick the name.
But I'll just say one thing.
- What?
- I think Jerry is very pedestrian.
How 'bout Garcia?
- Garcia?
- Garcia Coplin.
Garcia! Garcia Coplin.
- Look. Look, he likes it.
- I like it too.
- Garcia Coplin.
- Yeah.
- Garcia.
- Yeah.
- You think I should get that?
- Sure.
Hello? Shit- Shitkings-
- Schlichting.
- Schlichtings' residence.
- What kind of trouble are you in?
- Us? We're not in trouble. You're the ones who're in jail.
There were drugs in the trunk of your car.
Why are there drugs in the trunk of your car?
- How did you get our car?
- We tracked you to the "Shitkings"...
because we thought you were in trouble.
- Well, why did you think we were in trouble?
- Because of the phone call.
- The truck and the baby.
- Oh, no- I was talking to that evil little
dwarf woman at the B&B.
- We weren't in trouble.
- Your mother as usual has overreacted.
I did not overreact, Eddie! If I
overreacted...
why am I wearing handcuffs
in the middle of a jail?
There's obviously been some mishap, sir.
These people are not drug runners.
I mean, look at them. They're from New York.
They're, they're my parents.
You hear that, Eddie?
He called us his parents.
Of course you're
my parents. Mom-
Oh, Mel.
- Ow, Ma, your chain's pulling on my hair.
- Wait a minute. Wait.
Sorry, darling.
Bobby, take these forms back
to the office, these release forms.
And get these nice people their
car keys. This is all over here.
This is a Federal agent here, and he just
told me the whole story about the "Shlytings. "
- "Schlitinooks. "
- "Shitkings. "
- No, Schlichtings.
Well, anyway, it's clear
that we have the wrong people here.
- That's what I've been trying to tell this guy
for the last half hour.
- Thank God for this Federal agent.
And by the way, w-w-why
are you not wearing pants?
- I had an experience, that's why.
- What do you mean?
I resisted at first, and then it evolved
and it continues to evolve for me.
I don't know what the hell he's talking about,
but I got some jewellery somewhere, if you please.
- A diamond and some turquoise.
- Yes, ma'am. Just let me get those cuffs for you.
I don't know. We may be able to work out a private
adoption through some people I know in Colorado.
- How long will that take?
- Usually six months to a year. I don't know.
But if you're willing to wait, you know, I
may be able to find a couple of lesbians...
- who would be willing to conceive...
- That's good. Lesbians are good.
- and then you could share the baby with them.
- No. I'm not gonna do that.
- I think these two are homosexuals.
- They want to adopt a kid. That's so sick.
Can you imagine the neurosis
that child would be exposed to?
- Okay. Okay, here we go.
- Okay.
- Everyone, pull together. Paul, smile.
- Are we ready? Okay.
One, two!
Are you okay?
- Why do we have to baby-sit tonight?
- Oh, sweetie.
- Come on, come on. Ahh, yes.
- All right. Shh.
Okay. Here. That's- Oh, I know-
- Because the kids need some time alone.
- The kids need time alone?
Yes! God, Eddie,
where's your sense of romance?
I can't, I can't.
It's making me too nervous.
- Oh, it made you nervous when he was in the other room. Come on.
- Okay.
- Maybe next-
- Will you relax, please?
- Is that my beeper?
- No, that's not your beeper.
- Let's get this beeper and this
gun out of here. - No, my gun-
It's a blind date. I don't know.
Some benefit or something.
No, I am not smoking, Mother.
Look, I gotta go.
He's here.
Yeah, he knows. Mm-hmm.
Yeah, I know.
I'll call you tomorrow. Uh- Uh-huh.
Pain in my ass.
I'm coming!
- Shalom, shalom.
- Shalom, shalom.
Shalom. Deeper.
You guys, this place sucks.
Everybody speaks Spanish.
- Did you ever hear of knocking?
- What are you looking for?
- I'm looking for some weed.
- No, you find your own weed.
- Get out of that drawer.
- You guys, I'm totally bored here.
Honey- Honey, it takes time
to make new friends. Be patient.