Forgetting Sarah Marshall Script - Dialogue Transcript
Voila! Finally, the Forgetting Sarah Marshall script is here for all you fans of the Jason Segel and Russell Brand movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. At least you'll have some Forgetting Sarah Marshall quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?
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Forgetting Sarah Marshall Script
Good for you,
Pete. Good for you.
Access Hollywood spotlight...
on sexy crime fighter
Sarah Marshall.
Hi, everybody, welcome...
to Access Hollywood.
I'm Billy Bush.
Each week, millions of
viewers love to watch
Ms Marshall's brainy
sexpot character.
Maddy Stark,
alongside Billy Baldwin's
dark and brooding,
hard-to-love lead
detective, Hunter Rush....
- And this isn't
your jurisdiction.
I just made it
my jurisdiction.
Can you say 'catfight'?
Off-screen, Sarah cosies up...
to her successful
composer boyfriend.
Peter Bretter.
He's no household name,
yet Bretter's dark and
ominous score has...
set the tone for this
gruesome juggernaut.
Take a look.
What do you think?
I think it's gonna be hard...
for her to re-enter
the pageant...
without a face.
Looks like the sky's the limit
for this adorable couple.
Anything could happen....
We got to do something
We got to do something
Before Mother Earth
gets any more hurt
We got to do something
We leave you tonight
with the newest...
smash single from
Infant Sorrow.
Lead singer and
notorious lothario.
Aldous Snow, begs
us to change...
in his environmental anthem,
We've Got to Do Something.
I hope, for once, we
all hear the message.
Good night.
Mr Prime Minister
and Mr President
You better see that
it's not only me
No, a mob is rising in size
And they've been
dying to scream
Hey, baby.
Just working.
Salad.
Oh, yeah. Yeah,
yeah, yeah. Totally.
I didn't realise that...
you were gonna be
back so early.
Great. I'll see you in a bit.
Okay, bye.
It's time to do something
Someone should do something
We got to do something
And that someone
is you and you
And you and you
I pray it ain't
all lost and gone
I pray we might learn
right from wrong
And I pray this broken day
will not last too long
Hey, you got here fast.
I got a surprise for you.
Peter, as you know.
I love you very much.
Are you breaking up with me?
- Pete, are you...
- I just need a minute.
Okay.
Please don't go.
Why don't you just
put on some clothes,
and we can sit down
and discuss this.
No. I can't do
anything right now.
I'm so sorry, Pete.
I'm in love with you.
Why don't you just
put some clothes on, okay?
I'm not going to
go put clothes on.
I know what that means,
if I put clothes
on, it's over. Okay?
Excuse me.
Let's talk. Let's
talk about him.
I feel...
I've been feeling...
for a long time
that we've been growing apart.
We're leading different lives.
Who's the dude?
- Who's the dude?
- What?
No, that's not what
this is about.
There's no one else.
I know what's happening
here. I really do.
You've been working so
much lately, that we...
haven't got to spend
much time together,
and you're forgetting
what it's like to be with me.
But maybe, if we just
held each other...
or something,
you would remember
what it's like to be with me.
- No.
- Just hold me.
Please. Here we go.
There's someone else.
I'm sorry.
We don't hang out in
places like this.
Liz and I.
Why did you take me here?
This place smells like
stripper's perfume.
I'm gonna get herpes...
just from sitting
on this couch.
- Sure you okay, bro? Yeah?
- Yeah.
Yeah. You don't have
to keep asking me.
I'm good.
- You're out.
Thank you so much for
this opportunity....
- Auf Wiedersehen.
- Auf Wiedersehen.
MAN ON T. V..:
Thank you. Thank you all....
Auf Wiedersehen.
I feel really
good. I feel happy.
Maybe you should work
on the Dracula musical.
Look, you've been working
on it for a while.
It'll help your
mind. Be creative.
- Think about you.
I think I need to
fuck somebody.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You're not my
stepbrother any more.
You're a step-stranger.
- Why you talking like that?
- Brian.
You don't need to put
your P in a V right now.
No, I don't.
I need to B my L
on somebody's T's.
That's disgusting.
You don't need to
be doing that.
And if anything.
you should leave
your P in the V...
and blow it inside the V.
so you can have a B-A-B-Y...
and be a normal person.
I'm leaving, man.
I'm out of here.
She's fucking somebody.
Okay, Bri? It's all
I can think about,
is that she's out there,
and until I do the same thing,
I'm gonna feel
like I wanna die.
So just talk to girls
with me tonight,
all right?
All right. All right,
I'll help you out.
I'll talk to girls with you.
So, Peter, what do you do?
Musician.
He's being modest.
He works on a show
called Crime Scene.
Oh, my God.
- It is what it is, you know?
- No, I love that show.
Wait, Crime Scene:
Scene of the Crime...
or Crime Scene: Phoenix?
- Scene of the Crime.
Oh, my God. I love that show.
I find you both very
sexually attractive.
Let's pump the brakes. Okay?
I think that having sex
with either of you...
would be a great treat for me.
You are so funny.
I just got out of...
a five-and-a-half-year
relationship,
so I'm not looking
for anything serious.
- Just sexual activity.
- Let's wrap it up, buddy.
You wanna come home?
I'm sorry, you're
cracking me up.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
Do you wanna come home?
Stop it, seriously.
- That was fun.
- Yeah, yeah.
Overall, I think that
went really well. Yeah.
I want to have sex with you.
- Are you crying?
- What? No.
I'm sorry that I'm
being so weird now.
No, that's okay.
You've been weird...
pretty much the whole time,
so it's not unusual. Okay.
Last night, like some sort
of idiot, I had sex...
with this woman who
I barely even know.
I used a condom, but
I'm really scared that
I have an STD, Doc.
Peter, I'm a paediatrician.
Have you noticed...
you're sitting
on a fire truck?
- Right.
- Little kids running?
- Yeah, this is
new. I like it.
I'm kind of backed up...
Could you take a
look at my penis?
Go ahead. Let me see it.
- Sorry.
That's all right. Take it out.
Good.
- You barely looked at it.
It's a good-looking
dick, Peter.
- Beautiful dick.
Do you think maybe
while I'm here,
- I could get some blood work?
- Peter.
Your girlfriend
dumped you, right?
Are you hurting? Are you hurt?
Stop it. Stop crying.
Use your dick.
Keep fucking. Fuck
everything that moves.
Just wear a condom.
Listen, I'm backed up,
I got a lot of kids.
I gotta go, okay?
You want something?
You want a balloon?
You want a lolly?
I just came.
Hi.
Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Okay, do you mind
not saying that...
over and over again?
You can gag me.
- You brought a gag?
- And handcuffs.
Do you wanna gag me?
Kind of, now.
What've we got today?
Just a walk and
talk at the lab.
That's what 20 years on
Vice will do to you.
What've we got here?
The victim's penis was found
behind the AC unit.
Ouch.
Can you say 'dicksicle'?
Let's do this.
Okay, I'm ready.
The victim's penis
was found behind the AC unit.
Just go with the
usual stuff, maybe.
Something dark and ominous.
Like losing your
penis is a bad thing.
Oh, you want dark and ominous.
Come on, I got Allman
Brother tickets.
I gotta get out of here.
That's what 20 years on
Vice will do to you.
What've we got here?
Peter. Peter, Jesus Christ.
You're fucking Billy
Baldwin, aren't you?
- Aren't you?
- Pete, Pete, Pete.
- Stop staring at me.
- Pete.
You know you're
not getting paid...
for today's session, right?
- I'm aware of that.
- Fucking asshole.
Peter, it's Brian.
Go away.
Listen, your
landlord called me.
Said there's smoke
coming out of your place.
Who, Mr Lopez?
'Cause he's a liar.
He doesn't...
We worry about you, Petey.
Yeah, come on, Peter.
Open up the door.
The fire marshal's
gonna come in...
and bust it down.
You haven't been
out of the house in two weeks.
Why are you so damn strong?
I feel so strong.
Hey, don't walk away from me.
You come close.
Your place is
disgusting, Peter.
Hey, don't walk away from me.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey.
What are you burning,
man? Come on.
It's everything.
It's everything that
reminds me of her...
and I need it gone.
Okay, I thought I
was fine, Brian,
and I'm not. I'm
not fine at all.
Okay, let's just put
the picture down.
Put that down.
Let's discuss this.
- I love her, man.
- I know.
Look, Liz and I, we
think the world of Sarah.
We think she's great.
Okay, but everything...
I'm just being honest here.
Every time she would come over
to our house,
she always acted,
you know, like a little bitch.
Okay, okay, pump the brakes.
Dating Sarah is not
like dating Liz. Okay?
Sarah is better than Liz.
You really wanna have
this conversation?
Do you really
wanna have this conversation?
Yes.
- She is the mother
of my unborn child.
Sorry.
You're my stepbrother.
We're not even blood.
I have no qualms
with sticking you.
I will equalize you.
- Sorry.
- You dick.
I'm just worked up.
You gotta get your
shit together, man.
I'm trying to.
It's so hard here.
Brian, everywhere I look,
I'm reminded of her, okay?
Like, she got me this,
okay, because I
would always leave...
my cereal boxes open,
and the cereal
would get stale,
and so one day I came home,
and she had this
waiting for me,
because it keeps
my cereal fresh.
And now I have the
freshest cereal.
Why don't you,
you know what, go
on a vacation?
Go to the Alps.
- Alps?
- Go to Gstaad. It's the best.
I could go to Hawaii.
Sarah was always talking
about this place...
in Hawaii that was
supposed to be nice.
No, don't. I
wouldn't go there.
What, I can't go to
Hawaii now, because
Sarah Marshall has
heard of Hawaii?
Then go to Hawaii.
Go to Hawaii.
Do it.
No, no, no, don't
destroy the computer.
I'm just deleting
these pictures.
Okay, I need them
off my computer.
You know what? You're
not even doing...
a proper permanent delete.
Well...
If we end up getting
back together.
I wanna have a
few of them left.
You're crazy.
- No, no, please
don't delete them.
They have to go. Done, done.
That was hilarious. Aloha.
I'm Sarah Marshall
from Crime Scene:
Scene of the crime.
And when I'm not
scrubbing for evidence.
I'm flying Hawaiian
Airlines...
Excuse me. Hi.
...to my favourite
destinations. Mahalo.
Hi, can I have another
bloody mary, please?
You're still
working on that one.
It's just an
anticipatory order.
Okay, I'll be right back.
What do you think caused
such excessive bleeding?
He was either stabbed
in the aorta...
or it was his time
of the month.
Aloha.
Check in this way.
- Just married?
- Yes, how did you guess?
Oh, you've got that
magic newlywed dust...
all over you.
- Oh, my wife.
- Oh, my husband.
- Oh, my wife.
- My husband.
My old ball and chain.
You quit squirming
and come here.
What is into you?
Not me, yet.
Here is your room key.
So you're all set. Room 222.
Room key's inside,
and the elevators
are to the right.
Mahalo.
Congratulations.
Here you go, sir.
Have some POG juice.
Welcome to Turtle Bay.
What can I do for you?
I'm checking in.
My name's Bretter,
Peter Bretter,
but actually, I don't
have a reservation.
I just thought I'd
take my chances.
Bold.
We are all booked up,
but we do have the
Kapua suite available.
- Okay. How much is that?
- $6,000 a night.
- Wow.
- Beautiful views.
I can imagine.
That's a little bit
out of my price range.
Sorry.
That's a shame. This
is a beautiful...
hotel.
Oh, yeah, it's Sarah Marshall
from Crime Scene.
People are excited
that she's here.
She's my ex-girlfriend.
We broke up three weeks ago.
- I'm sorry, sir.
- Right. This is fine, right?
- Sir?
It's totally fine.
Okay, there she is.
- Did she see me? Is
she coming over here?
Uh-huh. Yup.
I wish I wasn't wearing
this fucking shirt.
Fair enough.
Why don't you try
to unbutton it?
Button it back up.
- Peter.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- What are you doing here?
Came here to murder you.
Really, what are
you doing here?
I have been having
a tough time,
you know, back in LA.
But then I came here,
and here you are.
I just think that's
too crazy to be...
Hello there, you
little sex object.
I've lost a shoe.
Have you seen it anywhere?
It's like this one,
but, you know,
obviously it's
the opposite one.
Excuse me, missus,
I've lost a shoe.
Like this one. It's
like this one's fellow.
- Sort of the exact
opposite, in fact, of that.
Uh-huh.
Not an evil version,
but just, you know,
a shoe like this, but
for the other foot.
Otherwise, I'd
have two right...
Aldous, this is Peter.
Hey, all right, Peter.
Nice to meet you,
mate. Aldous.
- Good to meet you, man.
- My ex-boyfriend.
Right. Hey, I'm Aldous Snow.
I know who you are.
Yeah, you're
very, very famous.
Yeah, I am. I am for my sins.
So are you staying
here, as well?
- I'm not, as a
matter of fact...
I'm sorry.
Excuse me, Mr
Bretter, Ms Marshall,
but we were able to book the
Kapua suite for you,
sir, for four nights.
- You were?
- Yes, sir.
- Marvellous.
Perfect. Perfect
amount of time.
Listen, if you wanna
have dinner with us...
one of those nights...
- Aldous.
...feel very...
No.
That's very
gentlemanly of you,
but you two enjoy your trip.
I'll be just fine on my own.
- All right, Peter.
- The Kapua suite...
- Have a good trip, Pete.
I like your shirt.
It's colourful.
- Bye.
- Bye now.
Ta-ta. I was wearing two shoes
this morning, right?
Thank you. Thank you
for bailing me out.
I still can't
afford that room.
Nobody can.
It's for, like, Oprah
or, like, Céline Dion.
Really, it's not a big deal.
So you can stay in the suite,
but since you're not
technically a guest,
you have to clean
up after yourself.
Otherwise, here is
your room key...
and enjoy your stay.
Why are you doing this for me?
She's here with
some guy already?
Kind of messed up.
- Right?
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
- Really, it's not a big deal.
Go enjoy yourself.
Rachel Jansen.
A thousand times, thank you,
- you know what I mean...
- Go enjoy yourself.
- This is a disaster.
Calm down, man.
Are there other
hotels on the island?
Of course there
are other hotels,
but I'm not leaving here,
it'll look like
I'm running away.
Wait. Why are you whispering?
You're not following
them, are you?
I had a girlfriend, right?
And Liam and Noel Gallagher...
both had it off with her
right in front of me,
so that's similar.
And that was a bit
awkward, actually.
So if you do wanna
change hotels.
I quite understand.
No, no, I'm not
changing hotels.
Stop following...
and just go back to
your room, Peter.
- They're gone.
Why are you looking for them?
- I don't know.
- You're acting like an idiot.
Run. Get out of there.
Go to your room.
- What do you think
they're doing?
Peter, go.
Oh, God. Okay, there they are.
- There they are, I see them.
- Go back to your room, Peter.
Peter, go back to your room.
Go back to your room, Peter.
I'm going in.
Go back to your room, Peter.
Are you listening to me?
Peter, go back to your room.
Peter, Peter, Peter...
Hey.
Hey, nice room.
Go.
I am in the Kapua suite.
What are you doing? Sucker.
Have fun.
Listen, you piece of shit.
You're an idiot. Back
to your room, Peter.
Peter, back to your room.
Did you enjoy that?
- Did you like what you saw?
- That hurt a lot.
But I know Sarah,
and I'm pretty sure I
just ruined her day.
You know...
how we thought the
killer masturbated...
before he committed
each homicide?
That's the theory.
Take a look at the microscope.
Oh, yeah, looks like
where he's going,
he'll need to know
how to masturbate.
Oh, God.
- Hello.
Hey, Peter?
- Sarah?
- No.
It's Rachel Jansen,
from the front desk.
- Hey.
Hey, what's going on up there?
I'm getting complaints...
about a woman crying
hysterically.
Yeah, you know what,
I hear her, too,
and it sounds like
she's having such a hard time.
I think it's coming from
the floor above me.
You're on the top floor.
I'll try to keep it down.
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, you have a nice night.
Okay.
I would love to sell
you some weed, Jeremy,
but I'm at my fucking
job right now.
Obviously, because
you called me at work,
you know that I'm at
my place of work.
So I can't just leave here
and sell you some weed.
I can sell you some
weed when I'm done.
Hold on, I gotta
call you back.
Mahalo, all right....
- Hey, how's it going?
- Hey.
I'd just like to grab
some dinner, please.
- Okay, great. Is your
wife gonna meet you?
No.
Your girlfriend?
No, I don't have a girlfriend.
- You're just by yourself?
- Yeah.
Sucks.
Okay, so just one.
Here's your wine list...
and your menu. Come on.
Do you want, like, a magazine
or something?
It's gonna be boring...
if you're just
sitting by yourself.
I'll be all right. Thank you.
I just would be so depressed.
- Yeah.
- Here you go.
Thank you.
The best thing is,
you have the greatest
table in the house.
- Oh, yeah?
That's Aldous
Snow right there.
I know. I know, dude. I know.
- I'm gonna ask him.
I'll ask him politely.
No, please don't, please.
Mate.
Why don't you come
over and sit with us?
You'll be very welcome.
No, thank you. I need a drink.
Would you guys like a drink?
Well, no, actually, because...
Seven years clean.
That's what this
tattoo denotes.
Seven years free from
drugs and alcohol.
If I have just
one sip of wine,
by the end of the evening,
I'll be, like, rimming
waiters for their tips...
just to get me
hands on a rock.
You know what I mean? Nasty.
I heard that.
- Hey, what's up, man?
How are you enjoying
your vegetable medley?
It's mundane.
It is mundane. It's
great, I know.
Will you marry me?
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Yes.
- She said yes.
- Beautiful.
Congratulations.
I'm so excited. Oh,
my God. Oh, my God.
Peter.
What's up?
- Are you doing okay?
- Yeah.
Yeah, I'm good.
Look, did you follow me here?
Did my assistant tell
you I was coming?
- No.
- Did you talk to her?
No, I didn't talk
to your assistant.
It's not all about
you, you know.
Hawaii is a beautiful place.
People come here, usually
not to follow you.
So you're really staying?
You're gonna stay?
Yeah, I think so. I
really like it here.
I feel at home here.
I just love it.
Yeah, you should stay.
I appreciate your
consideration.
Sounds like Aldous probably
shared a lot of needles,
so thank you for
dating him after me.
- I appreciate that.
- Hmm.
- Hope you have a
really good time here.
Have a great dinner.
Thank you.
Groupie whore.
Psycho stalker.
You know what? It's vacation.
I think I'll just take
a piña colada, please.
Look at this guy.
Look at this guy.
Not us, buddy. Right? Not us.
I'm on Sex and the City.
What's up, Miranda?
I'm Samantha. I have
sex with everyone.
Maybe it's a good thing
that they're here.
You know what I mean?
Maybe this is a
challenge from God...
for me to forget
her. You know?
Or maybe it's a sign from God
that you should be with her.
I love her show.
When they mix the sexuality
and the violence, I like it.
What the hell is
wrong with you two?
You gotta move on.
I hear you say that,
but it's not that easy.
It's that easy.
Promise you it is.
I lived in South Central.
South Central. And I hated it.
That's why I moved to Oahu.
Now I can name you...
over 200 different
kinds of fish.
- No, you can't.
- Oh, yes, I can.
- Do it.
- Yeah, you cannot.
G. Ghost pipefish, grill
fish, goaler fish...
grouper fish, greenback...
What's the state
fish of Hawaii?
Humuhumunukunukuapua'a.
- Yeah, bitch.
- Hey.
- You ready?
- Yeah, just gonna close up.
Hello, Mr Bretter, Mr Brayden.
Where's your wife, sir?
She is in bed.
How are things
going with the lady?
Not awesome.
She's complicated, like
The Da Vinci Code,
you know, but harder to crack.
But life is full of lessons.
You learn something
new every day.
Wonder what I'm going
to learn tomorrow.
Well.
- Good night, sir.
- Good night.
Good night, sir.
Off to find the
mythical clitoris.
So, Peter, were
you able to get...
that crying lady
out of your room?
'Cause I could
send someone up,
if you want.
- Oh, you could?
- Yeah.
That's very funny. It is.
Well, listen, Sarah
Marshall Show sucks.
Who cares?
I do the music for
that programme.
Did I mention that
the music rocks?
That's very sweet of you.
That's very sweet
of you to say.
You don't have to
say that, though.
It's not music.
There's no melody,
it's just tones.
Just dark, ominous tones.
'The masturbating dog killer
is on the loose again.
'He'll kill the owner,
but at least the
dogs are happy.'
I'm no Aldous Snow,
I guess, you know.
Time to start the music
All gonna light the light
Yeah, yeah, gonna
get things started...
on The Muppet Show tonight...
- Whipped cream or berry?
- Whipped cream.
Here we are, sir. Have
a wonderful breakfast.
What a lovely table, so
close to the buffet.
I'm glad you like it. Mahalo.
Good morning, sir.
Can I start you with anything?
Orange juice, coffee?
What about, like, some
pineapple juice...
with a little bit
of rum on the side.
Of course. I like your
style. Cocktail guy.
- Thank you.
- You are welcome.
We've already reserved
the sea kayak for noon.
Honey, I know that,
but you know that
I wanted to see...
- Hey. Hello there, friend.
- Hey.
How are you guys?
How was your evening?
- Great.
- Awesome.
- I can't feel anything.
- All right.
- Does that feel good?
- I still can't feel anything.
Okay, 'cause it hurts me.
- Would you do that for me?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- No, no, no. No.
God put our mouths on our head
for a reason. No.
- I'm going to the bathroom.
- Okay.
- Is everything okay with...
- Waffles.
- Here you go, sir.
Breakfast of champions.
Oh, thank you.
And don't tell anybody, but...
A little extra love for you.
Thank you.
- Take it easy.
- You, too.
- Hi.
- Hi.
This is the yoga place, yeah?
Yes. But there's no
alcohol allowed...
in the studio.
Oh, no, I mean, obviously.
This is just pineapple juice.
Well, there's no
outside drinks...
allowed in the studio.
- Can I set it down?
- Sure.
- Cool, thank you.
- I like your hat.
- Thank you.
Please remove it before class.
Hey, everyone,
why don't you all
grab your mats?
Sorry, I recognise
you from the cover...
of Namaste Magazine.
I'm a huge fan.
Thank you. That's so
sweet of you to say.
I appreciate that.
Obviously, I don't do
yoga for recognition.
Right, of course you wouldn't.
Then stop being so good at it.
That's very flexible.
That's nice.
- And, you, I recognise
you from your show.
Thank you.
You seem much taller
on your show.
- I'm not.
- No, I know.
Okay, if you just wanna start...
by bringing your
palms into your chest.
Today we're gonna start with...
the Surya Namaskar,
or Sun Salutation.
Let's take a deep inale in.
Exhale and release the hands.
Inale, arms up to
the sky. Continue.
Good, exhale and
folding forward.
Strong, strong backs.
Good, excellent.
Remember this is
not a competition,
although you two seem
to be the best in the class.
Excellent. Perfect
form, you two, perfect.
Coming up into
downward-facing dog.
Good. It's really
important in this pose,
that you arch your back...
and keep it flat
at the same time.
I feel like those
are opposing ideas.
No, they're not, 'cause
you're arching...
your back up while it's flat.
Okay.
Good, yeah, sweat it out.
Sweat out all the toxins
from this morning.
- Come on, lady.
- My name is Prana,
and I know that
wasn't just juice.
You don't really
need any adjusting,
so I'm just gonna
do this for myself.
Just to learn from your body,
memorize your body.
- Good. Strong legs.
- Come on.
Perfect skin and form.
Okay, class, I'd like to now
move into a tripod headstand.
This is more of
an advanced pose,
so if you don't
feel comfortable...
or strong enough,
please feel free to
just lay on your mat...
in child's pose.
I got it.
All right, so let's all
come down to our mats.
Get in a prep position
for the tripod headstand.
If you don't feel comfortable,
there's no shame...
in just laying on your
mat in child's pose.
Lady, I got it.
Good, so let's prep
to come up. Good.
Sir, if you just
want to lay down...
in child's pose.
Now, you all heard me say,
'If you want to be
in child's pose,
that's okay.'
- Just in case he gets hurt.
- Bring it, bring it.
I don't want you to
break your neck.
- What's up?
- Just relax.
My legs, that's what.
We're doing quiet
headstands today.
I'm doing a handstand,
motherfucker.
I'm doing a handstand.
Okay, you know, why
don't we just release.
Thank God.
Good, everybody. Good.
Hey.
Are you Chuck?
Oh, man, you know,
they won't change that flyer.
That's my mainland name.
My Hawaiian name is Koonu.
Cool, sorry.
No, it's all good.
Does Koonu have some, like,
cool Hawaiian meaning?
It means Chuck.
I plugged it into a database.
There's a thing you can go on,
on the Internet, you
just type in your name,
and it just says it.
What's your name?
- I'm Peter.
- Peter.
- Yeah.
I'm gonna give you
a Hawaiian name.
Oh, great.
Pepiopi.
- Great.
Pepiopi, looks like you've
got a little pain...
behind those eyes.
Yeah, maybe a little.
There's really only
one cure for that.
What's that?
Weed. You got any?
- No.
- Well, then let's go surfing.
Okay, when we're out there,
I want you to ignore
your instincts.
I'm gonna be your instincts.
Koonu will be your instincts.
Don't do anything.
Don't try to
surf, don't do it.
The less you do,
the more you do.
Let's see you pop
up. Pop it up.
That's not it at all.
Do less. Get down.
Try less. Do it again.
Pop up.
No, too slow. Do less.
Pop up.
Pop up.
You're doing too much.
Do less. Pop down.
Pop up now.
Stop. Get down.
Get down there.
Remember, don't do anything.
Nothing. Pop up.
Well, you... No, you
gotta do more than that,
'cause you're just
laying right out.
It looks like you're
boogie-boarding.
Just do it. Feel it. Pop up.
Yeah. That wasn't quite it,
but we're gonna figure
it out, out there.
Let's go surfing, come on.
Everybody's learning
how, come on and...
The weather outside is weather
How long you lived out here?
Man, I don't know. I
quit wearing a watch...
when I moved out here.
- Wow, that's so cool.
- Yeah.
No, like my cell phone
has a clock on it,
so I don't really need it.
Right, so it's basically
the same thing.
- How old are you?
I don't really believe
in age or numbers,
you know, I don't...
I mean, if you had to
put a number on it.
I guess I'd be 44.
Fuck.
Thanks for taking me out here.
This is the first time
I've felt good...
in three weeks or so.
You need to get back
on that board...
is what you need to do.
- Yeah?
- Hey, here's the deal.
When life gives you lemons,
just say, 'Fuck the
lemons,' and bail.
Yeah. No. You
said it, totally.
You gotta just pull
yourself up...
by your wetsuit,
get back on that board...
Hey, look, man,
if you're attacked by a shark,
are you gonna give up surfing?
Probably, yeah.
Let's go in, all right.
Tacos are on me.
Can you try to listen...
to what I'm saying
to you, Brian?
I'm confused and I
don't know what to do.
What's up with that hat?
What are you...
in the Buena
Vista Social Club?
This is a nice hat.
What member of the
Brat Pack are you?
You look like one
of those guys...
suspected of killing JFK.
That's very funny.
That's great.
Tell him to make friends.
You need to get out there
and make some friends, man.
Is Liz there right now?
No, no, she's not
in here, buddy.
I just heard her.
She's gone.
Who are you looking at?
What?
Is she still... Hi, Liz.
No. I swear on my
mother's grave, it...
Okay, it was Liz.
She wasn't here
the entire time.
Go out and meet people.
We meet people
all the time......
- All the time on vacation.
- Constantly.
I've tried, all right,
there's a couple
of dudes here,
but they're kind of weird.
Just be friendly.
Iron your shirt.
Iron your shirt, look sharp.
Even your T-shirts.
There is this girl
at the front desk...
who's pretty cute.
Oh, yeah. You know what?
Go have another dirty
one night stand.
That worked out
so well before.
What do you want from me?
You just told me I
need to meet people.
Ask her out.
Maybe that's what he
needs, is a rebound.
He's had plenty of chances
for rebounds. This isn't...
Can we get on the
same team here?
Okay, I'm sorry.
We're on the same team. Sorry.
You should go on a
date with this girl.
Well, maybe I'll
ask her out then.
- Yes.
- My wife says so....
- Hey, I'm in Hawaii, too.
Oh, that's neat.
Aloha, bitches.
That's very cool.
They're not Native
Americans, Brian.
- Bri...
- What are you doing?
- The luha. Is that right?
- Oh, yeah.
It's called the hula....
- Luau?
- No, hula.
You're doing a luau?
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Peter.
- Wow.
You look beautiful.
I mean, that's a
beautiful dress.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
This'll be fun.
Lei?
May I help you with
something else, Peter?
No, I'll just grab a drink.
I'm just gonna head inside.
- Happy 4th of July.
- Thank you.
Aloha.
- You done here?
No, actually, I just sat down.
I'm just getting started.
It's delicious,
though, thank you.
I'll just go fuck myself.
- Sorry, what?
- Mahalo.
Hi, Peter.
Hey. Hey, bro.
- Hi.
- Hey, all right.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Everybody, can I have
your attention...
for one second, please.
We have a very special guest
with us here, today.
He is the lead singer
of the band, Infant Sorrow,
one of my favourite
musicians of all time.
He's so awesome.
Please, please, let's take...
Let's see if we can
get him up here.
Mr Aldous Snow.
Please, come on.
Share your gift.
Duty calls and all that.
I'm trying to be
incognito, it's weird.
It's like work to
me, this is no fun.
Hey. Thank you.
Thank you.
What a lovely introduction.
What an eccentric and
confident young man.
I'd like to dedicate this song...
to a very beautiful
woman that's here today.
It's Miss Sarah
Marshall, there she is.
Look at her, blimey.
Old as ancient skies
I've had these
wandering eyes...
but you took me by surprise...
when you let me inside you
Inside you
Inside you
This went from
6:00 to midnight.
Teach me how to grow
while I'm moving inside of you
Inside of you...
- Inside you
- Inside you
I long to be, is
it wrong to be...
inside of you
Inside of you the restless
find their dreams
Inside of you this king
has found his queen
Hey.
You're from the
breakfast buffet, right?
- Yeah.
- Whipped cream or berries?
Yeah. Yeah, I'm Peter.
- Kemo.
- Kemo.
- Good to meet you, man.
- Good to meet, you, man.
- Have a beer.
- Thanks. Thank you.
Sarah Marshall.
Yes.
How do you know
I was dating Sarah Marshall?
Dwayne told me. Chuck told me.
Even Rachel told me.
I heard about it
from everybody.
You gotta stop
talking about it.
It's like The Sopranos.
It's over.
Find a new show.
You need a hug.
Come here.
Oh, thank you.
You're awfully nice.
I gotta go.
I'm prepping the pig
for tomorrow's luau.
You should come and help me.
It'll take your
mind off of things.
- Yeah? You don't mind?
- No.
I mean, I must say I'm
a pretty good cook.
All right.
I can't. Please don't
make me do this.
Do it.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
You can stop crying now.
He's dead already.
I'm not crying.
You should stop crying.
I don't cry. I'm not a baby.
Really?
'Cause you look like
a gigantic baby.
I'm sorry. I didn't
mean that at all.
Hey.
Listen, would you like
to hang out tonight,
like, not in an official
hotel function?
Yeah. Totally.
A bunch of us are
going to go to this,
like, little beach
thing afterwards.
You're totally
welcome to come.
Maybe we could go together?
Yeah, whatever.
I mean we don't have to,
if you don't want to.
I just thought that maybe...
No, listen,
you don't have to
make this weird.
You either want to
go or you don't.
- I would love to.
- Okay.
Awesome. Why don't
you go upstairs,
change that shirt,
and I'll meet you out
front in, like, five?
- This is so cool.
- You like it?
So what brought you to Hawaii?
- A dude.
- Of course.
A surfer dude. You
know, WCT, top 44.
Totally.
We were together
for two years.
Dropped out of school,
moved out here with him.
Three weeks later,
I caught him cheating on me,
so I moved out,
and that's that.
What an asshole.
No, he's just a boy.
You ever think about
going back home,
finishing school, or...
No.
No. I work at the hotel,
doesn't really have to
be a future in there.
Okay, my turn.
Okay.
So, how do you like
writing music for a TV show?
It's great, you know.
People are great.
It's great to have
a steady paycheque.
It's... I'm very lucky.
Oh, my God, you hate it.
I fucking hate it so much.
So then, do
something about it.
Excuse me.
I'm just saying, if
you hate something,
change it.
- Don't dwell.
- Well, I'm trying.
I'm actually working
on a rock opera.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
What's your rock opera about?
Dracula.
Yeah, and eternal
love, you know.
That's the theme.
But I think the two sort
of go hand in hand,
you know?
And I...
I have this vision of
doing it with puppets.
I mean, humans also, you know.
Why Dracula?
Because he's a man
like anyone else.
He just wants to be loved.
And every time he gets close
to a human woman,
he ends up smothering
and killing her,
which is a feeling
I am familiar with.
What? That's just a joke.
- Oh, shit.
- What?
My ex. If I run, you run.
- Do you understand?
No, I don't understand at all.
Fucking motherfucker. Dipshit.
Rachel, what are you doing?
I thought I told you
to stay back on your island.
Take it easy, just
take it easy.
Yeah, you know what?
The deal was over April 9.
Well, the deal's back
on, motherfucker.
You ain't the chief
in this village.
I'm the chief.
Of the idiots?
Rachel, let me handle
this. I know his friend.
Let me handle this, okay?
Go ahead.
Hey, man, you remember
me from breakfast?
- Oh, yeah, the cocktail
guy, that's right.
Yeah.
This ain't the
breakfast buffet.
What, you with my girl?
Keeping her warm for
me at night, huh?
Hey, what are you doing here?
That's right. Just hit him.
Rachel, we gotta get
out of here. Rachel?
You get what you deserve.
Just a boy?
No, that dude was
a fucking man.
No, no, no. He's an asshole.
I can't believe
I ever dated him.
- You went nuts.
- Yeah.
You guys are dysfunctional.
You were like one
of those girls...
from Flavour of Love....
- From what?
- You were.
'I'll kill you.
I'll kill you.'
Okay, I'm gonna go
get us another round.
I'll grab it.
It's no big deal.
You don't have to dote on me.
I'm not that type of girl.
You look so hot.
Give me Crime Scene.
Give me dirty
Crime Scene girl.
André the Giant, out
of the shot, please.
Mutombo, out of
the shot, come on.
Did you know that
there's a picture...
of you flashing,
hanging in the men's room?
Yeah. I hate it so much.
My jackass boyfriend
made me do it.
Keoki took it, right there.
And I asked him
to take it down,
but he said that it would ruin
the balance of the collage.
Do you want me to try
to get it down for you?
No. No, no, no,
he'll kill you.
Like, really kill you.
But I have a surprise for you.
Really, what?
We're gonna take
a quick break.
Tonight we have a
special guest...
from the mainland,
singing a song from
his Dracula musical,
please welcome to the stage,
Mr Peter Bretter.
Peter.
Yeah. Go get them, tiger.
Please don't.
Peter.
- Rachel...
- Dracula. Peter.
Get them.
What's up?
Thank you.
You know, I could
play something else.
I just think out of
context this might be...
Dracula musical.
Thank you.
It's getting kind of
hard to believe...
things are going to get better
I've been drowning
too long to believe...
that the tide's going to turn
And I've been living
too hard to believe...
things are going
to get easier now
I'm still trying to
shake off the pain...
from the lessons I've learned
And if I see Van Helsing,
I swear to the lord
I will slay him
Take it from me, but I swear
I won't let it be so
Blood will run down his face
when he is decapitated
His head on my mantle...
is how I will
let this one know
How much I love you
Die
Die
Die
I can't
Awesome.
Thank you.
Thank you.
So, I had a really, really
great time tonight.
- Yeah?
Yeah. I mean, it
got a little wild.
- 'A little'?
You can say that.
Yeah.
But it was really fun,
and you're so
cool, and it was...
Thank you for taking me out.
No, I had a great
time. Thank you.
- You did?
- Yeah.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I
just... I don't...
I just don't wanna
complicate things.
- No, of course.
- Yeah?
No, no, no. Totally.
I totally get that.
- I had a great time.
- A handshake?
- Well, I don't know. Okay.
- All right, all right.
- All right. Get home safe.
- You, too.
- Thanks again.
- Bye.
I'm on a hammock with me lady
Watching the sea roll by
Things have been great now...
'Cause we're in Hawaii
Hey, guys.
Hey, man. I'm Koonu.
Yeah. No, I
remember. I'm Peter.
We took a surf
lesson together.
Yeah, you're that guy...
that works with
Kaiser Permanente.
No, I'm Peter.
We had a nice talk
out on the water.
That's cool.
Okay, can I just
say something?
- I went on a date tonight
with Rachel, right?
That wasn't a date.
She's in customer
service, dude.
She took you out for charity.
It was a date, okay? Trust me.
I know a date, and
that was a date.
I bet you think
strippers like you, too.
- That's really not necessary.
- It's true.
Don't waste your time, man.
Believe me, it is a
nowhere road. I know.
Did you see her ex-boyfriend?
He is ridiculous.
Who, Greg? I love Greg, man.
I saw him beat up a
guy with a starfish.
- Okay, that's
just ridiculous.
That guy was me.
Dude, my homie over here,
on his honeymoon?
Getting as much sex
as he possibly can ever have.
Are you giving to her
hard and rough, dude?
Come on.
The wife wants me to
do certain things...
that I find inappropriate.
Let me just say...
that if God was
a city planner,
he would not put a playground
next to a sewage system.
We're trying to fuck,
but we're not
having fun fucking.
We're just, like...
I'm stabbing her
private parts,
and it's not fun, and
it causes anxiety.
Fucking is...
And then when you're
not fucking...
- Hey, someone's
gotta stop him.
You're the butt of a joke.
Fucking this ring is...
Fuck.
It's gonna be all right.
Hi.
Hi, do you wanna
come back to bed?
Sure.
Have fun.
I like her hair.
I wonder if the carpet
matches her pubes.
Julian, what's up?
Oh.
God.
The show's been cancelled.
That's good, 'cause
that's what you wanted.
Yeah. Yeah, it is.
It's just... I guess
I thought we had
another year left.
It seems like we did,
and... This'll be good,
'cause it's been a
long-awaited transition...
into film for me.
Don't get me wrong,
but it's just...
It's a surprise.
Come on tour with me.
I'll serenade you every night...
in front of
thousands of women.
I didn't know you
were going on tour.
Yeah, I'm going in two weeks.
It's like an 18-month tour,
43 countries, Infant Sorrow,
and it's gonna be
a massive tour.
Yeah. I can't come
'cause I have a job.
I'm a working actress.
Not any more.
You're an unemployed
actress, perfect.
You could be the
queen of the groupies,
queen of the Sorrow Suckers.
The Sorrow Suckers.
Sorrow Suckers.
I don't know why
they call them that.
Mr and Mrs Snow, sorry.
Sorry to bother you.
The hotel wanted to offer you...
some complimentary
coconut cake.
It's from the hotel.
It's definitely not from
me personally, so...
- Yeah, thanks.
- Okay, great.
When were you planning
on telling me this?
- I just told you, then.
- Yeah. No, I know.
But telling me now...
isn't really the
same as telling me.
Well, look, you know,
I've not told you I've
got genital herpes,
because it's not
inflamed at the moment.
Do you guys want
some champagne...
with your cake,
or do you want it
without your cake?
I don't drink.
All right, so I came here
to give you my demo. I just...
I worship you,
and I just wanted to
give you my demo.
Just take a listen and...
Okay.
'Cause you know what?
You don't wanna be
the guy sitting there,
watching BBC, and saying,
'Oh, I saw that guy.
He was my waiter,
'and I totally dismissed him...
like everyone else
does in his life.
'And I totally was wrong,
'because he's a major, major,
major influence on me now,
'and I feel terrible.'
That stupid English
voice, was that me?
Unfortunately, yes.
You're really gonna like it.
I'll listen to it
when you've gone.
Hey, look, just don't
tell anyone at the hotel.
- What's up, dude?
- What's up?
Peter, I got some really
interesting news...
this morning.
Aldous gave you gonorrhoea?
No. Why would I tell you that?
Crime Scene was cancelled.
Whoa.
Wow.
- You all right?
- Yeah. Yeah.
I mean, I've been waiting
to take the next step,
you know, into features
for a long time,
so it's a really good thing.
This isn't The View.
I mean, we can have...
an honest talk about
this if we want.
I don't wanna step out
of the spotlight...
and then be forgotten.
I don't wanna disappear.
I'm freaked out.
I wanna be honest.
I'm really freaked
out right now, okay?
Because, seemingly,
the only actresses...
that actually can survive...
are the ones that
show their cooter,
and, excuse me, but
I refuse to do that.
I have a little dignity.
And I don't have the frame...
to support plastic
surgery. I would tip over.
And I'm not gonna do that.
I'm not gonna exploit myself.
Listen, you're gonna be fine.
You have a long
career ahead of you.
You've got, like, four
years until you're 30.
It's gonna be fine.
- How are you?
- I'm screwed.
Frankly, I don't
stand a chance.
No, I'll be fine.
I've been quietly
stealing money...
from you for a long time.
You're always good
at cheering me up.
Pete, thank you.
Die
Die
Die
I can't
It's really good, Peter.
I just don't understand
it. I don't.
I mean, just chalk
it up to that.
Please don't play it
again, 'cause I don't...
Just listen to it one
more time and see...
Where's Aldous?
- Mr Snow, may I
ask you a question?
Okay.
I want to please my wife here,
on our honeymoon,
but I don't know
what I'm doing.
You having
difficulty sex-wise?
- Do you not know
how to use this?
I know how.
- Have you had sex before?
- We can't.
- Why?
- Our religion.
Right, 'cause of
God and everything?
Hey, that's not
gonna be a problem,
because God should be present
in the bedroom.
Just tell me specifically
what I need to do.
You need to penetrate deeply...
and stimulate the
clitoris simultaneously.
That's what you gotta do.
That's what it's about.
If you can involve
the anus in that,
then that's absolute
perfection.
Got it.
Explore her ears.
Find it in you to be
a little more circly.
You are a man.
God's within you.
I actually feel okay about it.
You know, I'm a little scared,
but I'll be all right.
I'll get another job.
That's interesting, man.
You know what else
is interesting?
- What?
- Me on the moon.
I just wanna talk to
you about something.
Can you stop?
- All right, I'm just
gonna talk, and then...
Air.
There was this
interesting moment...
with Sarah.
Whoa, what? I don't
wanna hear about...
your interesting moment
with Sarah, Pete.
Then who am I supposed
to talk to...
about this?
Well, not me, because
have I ever had...
an interesting moment
with an ex-girlfriend?
- Do you have an
ex-girlfriend? No.
No.
LIZ: No.
I would really love to get...
the woman's perspective
on the matter.
- Really?
- No.
But come on in
and just sit down.
- Stay. You have to...
Honey, no, no, the
camera's right there.
No, I know,
but I just wanna
tell him, though....
- No, the camera...
Think about how much
she's hurt you....
- Hey, Liz?
- Yeah?
I think you need to
move just a tiny bit...
further away from
the microphone.
- Just...
- No, closer....
- Now a little further.
- Okay....
- Closer.
- And then......
- And then a little
further, and then closer.
I don't know....
- Keep your head down, though.
- I'm bad at this thing....
- Can you hear me?
- Yeah, closer. Further away.
I know what you're doing.
That's not funny at all....
- You stop that.
- What?
- What's he doing?
Come on. Yeah,
yeah, real funny.
Hey, that's a great
necklace, Liz.
- Did you have
that a second ago?
Thank you.
That's gross.
- LIZ: I don't get it.
- Stop it....
- He's saying if I were
to sperm on you...
What?
...it would be a
pearl necklace.
Why?
- Real funny.
- Sorry.
Hey, Dracula.
'And when I see Van Helsing,
I swear to the Lord,
I'll slay him.'
That shit is funny, dude.
Hey, Pete.
So I was gonna go over
to Lazy Joe's later tonight,
and I wanted to see...
if you wanted to
come and join.
I think I'm confused,
because I thought
last night...
Oh, my God. Dude,
get out of your head.
It's really nice out here.
Yeah, I bet it is.
All right, yeah.
You know what?
I could totally use a
friendly hangout, so...
All right.
I don't know if you want,
instead of Lazy Joe's.
I was thinking of going
to Laie Point right now.
- Really?
- Yeah.
I heard that place
was a pain in the ass.
Okay.
- Hey.
Yo, what's up, guys?
We're just going for a hike.
No, you're not, you're
going snorkelling.
I think we're
gonna go on a hike.
It is sea turtle
fucking season, dude.
Let's go.
They fuck for
three hours, dude.
I mean, that's magical.
- No, we're going on a hike.
I think we'll go
on a hike, yeah.
What? Your loss.
Why won't anybody
go snorkelling with me?
How you doing back there?
Awesome.
I don't think I've ever been
this covered in sweat before.
It's like I have
some sort of fever.
I told you this was
a pain in the ass.
Could've been at Lazy Joe's.
- Oh, yeah.
- Uh-huh.
Oh, shit.
- You good?
- No.
Wow, we're really going
up to the edge of this, huh?
Look.
Wow, this is really beautiful.
All right, so now that
your show's done,
are you gonna finish
the Dracula musical?
It's not that easy, you know.
Sarah always thought
it was crazy, and...
Well, you're definitely crazy.
But so is everyone,
right? So who cares?
- I just don't feel
like doing anything.
Why?
'Cause my heart is broken,
and I can't imagine
doing anything right now.
It's probably the same reason...
you don't go back to
school, you know?
Maybe it's good we
got hurt like that,
you know?
I don't know about you,
but it makes me feel
impervious to pain.
Yeah. Kind of like...
there's nothing left
to be afraid of.
- Yeah. No, exactly.
- Right.
We could leap off this rock,
and it won't hurt us
as bad as they did.
So jump, then.
No, I meant that,
like, as a metaphor, you know?
No. Just do it.
You'll be fine. Jump.
What the hell?
Oh, God. Oh, God. I
made her kill herself.
You must be crazy.
- So are you gonna
jump or what?
No.
Come on, Peter.
I can see your
vagina from here.
I can see your hoo-ha.
I mean, I'll jump.
Chicken. Come on.
Please, God, don't
let me die today.
- I'm okay.
- Okay.
- I'll just let go, right?
- No, no, no.
If you fall straight down,
you'd probably hit a
rock and kill yourself.
- Totally.
- Yeah.
So what do I do?
Why don't you press your feet
up against the rock,
and, like, shoot yourself off.
- What, like a frog?
- I don't know, Peter.
Just get off the fucking rock.
- Here I go.
- Okay.
One.
Two.
Two.
- Two and a half.
- Jump.
Three.
Oh, my God. Oh, my
God. Oh, my God.
- You saw that, right?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, I saw it.
I was there. I witnessed it.
Thanks.
Come on.
You've got Christ
between your thighs,
but with a shorter beard.
- Mahalo.
- Aloha....
- Sex.
- I'm cramping, I'm cramping.
- Okay.
- Okay, okay.
Petey? Petey?
Sorry. I knocked a bunch.
You were really out.
Ken sent me.
Dakota Fanning and her people,
they need this room.
She loves it here.
Oh.
So does that mean I have
to leave the hotel?
Ken found you a room.
I'll take it, yeah.
I wanna hang out with
Rachel a little more.
Are those sad tissues
or happy tissues?
Maybe you should just
give me a minute.
It was the only
room available.
I'm sure it was.
- Hey, how's it going?
- It's all right.
Really?
I think you got
some pain behind...
those eyes. A kind
of pain that only...
Okay, you know what?
Let's cut the bullshit.
I wanna stand up on a
wave before I leave.
I don't think you're
ready yet, man.
- I'm ready to ride
giants, Koonu.
I think you're ready.
Petey.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Miss Marshall, what
can I do for you?
Is there a place
to get good sushi around here?
Yeah. Yeah, there's a
really great place...
about five minutes from
here called Asuki.
Perfect.
- Do you want me
to get you a map?
Please.
Okay.
So, this is where we are.
Head down Kamehameha,
and then pass
Funaho Loko Marsh.
And it should be
right to the left.
It might take,
like, five minutes.
- Great. Thank you.
- Any time.
Um...
- I saw you with
Peter Bretter...
Yeah.
...who's my ex-boyfriend.
Oh, my God. I'm really sorry.
- No.
- It's not like that at all.
- It's not what you're...
- No, it's fine.
I'm just really glad...
you're keeping him
company, 'cause...
- Gosh, no.
...you seem like a
really nice person,
- and you're very pretty.
- Thank you.
Gosh, you're,
like, way prettier.
No, you're, like, so pretty.
Really?
- Yeah.
- Wow, thank you. Thank you.
And one more
thing about Peter.
He's a really good
guy. Really good.
Like, great, actually.
Yeah.
Um...
Please don't cry,
Miss Marshall.
God. Do you need me
to get you a tissue?
Oh, no, I'm good, I'm good.
I'm okay, I'm okay.
Okay.
- Thank you, Rachel.
- Any time, Miss Marshall.
Hey, ahoy, there.
You surf, too?
Good Lord, no.
I'm just drifting
around, you know?
Getting in touch with
the ocean and stuff.
It's really pleasant.
It was, yeah.
I'm gonna head in.
Before you go,
actually, Peter.
I just wanted to tell you.
I was listening to
Sarah's iPod...
the other day,
and amidst the
interminable dross...
that's on that thing.
I found one track
that I quite liked.
So I checked what it was,
and it was actually
one of yours.
And it kind of
reminded me of a dark,
gothic Neil Diamond.
It's great.
That's, like, exactly
what I'm going for.
Right, yeah.
Fuck.
Fuck, you're cool.
It's so hard to say,
because, like, I hate
you in so many ways,
but whatever.
I can see why Sarah likes you.
No accounting for
taste, I suppose.
In her case, anyway.
She was with me
for five years,
so there you go.
Yeah, you got four
on me there, mate.
You slept with
Sarah a year ago?
I thought you knew.
Peter, please, don't
take it seriously.
- What the fuck,
man. You've...
Don't get offended by that.
You can't be so
casual about this.
This isn't Europe, okay?
There are rules here.
I'm really sorry.
I apologise for
offending you, Peter.
I just hope this doesn't
ruin our friendship.
Well, what's that about?
What do you think it's about?
This is a big deal.
What about a code
of the ocean?
That's not on.
What about codes among men?
You don't sleep
with another man's girlfriend.
- Think of...
- Get out of here.
- All right, okay. All right.
- Get out of here.
Oh, God.
Koonu. This guy
needs help. Koonu.
- Should I call
the front desk?
It hurts. It hurts.
Wow, you got coral
right there in your leg.
Can you get it out
of my leg, please,
hotel man?
Can you do something
about that?
I'd love to, you know,
but hotel policy...
They don't let me do
that kind of thing.
They get all weirded
out. Insurance...
Koonu, can you call
the front desk for me, please?
- Yeah.
- It really hurts.
Koonu, call the
front desk now.
Okay, monster man.
Pete, he's not
gonna do nothing.
I kind of have this
thing about blood, okay?
Look at it. It's
raping my leg.
Peter, get it out of my
fucking leg, please.
One, two.
- You can't get it out.
- It's really in there.
- Get it out of me.
- Three.
Fuck my arse.
Okay, I got it. It's
all done. It's all over.
Everything looks fine.
It's all good. They're
coming wiki wiki.
Can you get some
towels for me, please?
I'm really losing
a lot of blood.
You sound like
you're from London.
Yeah, I'm from London.
What's going on?
You fainted.
I didn't want you to
wake up by yourself.
- How's your friend?
Is he all right?
Yeah.
They gave him stitches,
and he's sleeping it off.
- Hey, you wanna hear
something funny?
What?
Are you ready to laugh?
'Cause this is a gas.
Okay.
Edward Scissorhands
over there told me...
that you two were
fucking each other...
for a whole God damn year
while we were together.
Shit.
How about that, Sarah?
I'm sorry, Peter.
Pete, you shouldn't be up...
and walking around.
Can you please...
Please don't touch me.
Just don't touch me, okay?
I'm not touching you.
Will you just
please sit? Please?
All right, I'll sit down,
but I'm sitting down
'cause I want to,
not because you've
asked me to sit, okay?
Great.
A year?
Listen, I get it,
okay? I just...
I need to understand
what I did...
to make you cheat. I just...
Pete, it's not
anything you did.
You didn't do anything.
I mean, you were great.
Will you please
cut the bullshit...
and have a talk with me?
Fine. Cutting the bullshit.
It got really hard to keep
taking care of you...
when you stopped taking
care of yourself.
I tried to get you
out of the house.
I tried to get you off
your little island...
you loved so much, the couch.
You didn't wanna see
the light of day.
God, there was one week...
when you wore
sweatpants. Every day.
You shall not pass.
You know what? If they
were Sean John...
sweatpants, it would
have been fine.
But because they're
Costco brand,
it's like the worst
thing I could do.
That has nothing
to do with it.
That's what you don't get.
I'm sorry that I
didn't end up being...
who we thought I was
gonna be, you know?
I tried really hard.
I promise you that.
I just didn't have it in me.
I think if you had just,
maybe tried harder.
I tried.
You have no idea how
hard I tried, Peter.
I talked to a therapist.
I talked to my mother.
I read every book possible.
I took love seminars.
I took sex seminars.
None of it worked.
None of it made a
difference to you.
And I couldn't drown
with you any more.
Don't you dare sit there
and tell me that I didn't try.
I did.
You were just too
stupid to notice.
Whoa. I thought you
were gonna wear...
the shirt I got you.
What? No.
I mean, I do love that
shirt you got me.
I admire Sir Tommy
Bahama an awful lot.
He's a talented man,
but tonight, I feel that
this is appropriate.
Wow, thank you. Yeah,
Sarah got it for me.
This is, like, way
more convenient...
than my backpack.
Awesome hat.
Thank you.
Yeah, my girlfriend
got it for me.
- I'm fucking with you.
- Cool.
Sarah, can I use this
lipstick, please?
Sure. I don't care.
I think it looks great.
But if you're not,
let's go change.
No, I like it. I didn't
like it at first.
Now I really think it's...
Oh, bloody hell. This
is a small resort.
Hi, Peter.
Hey. Wow.
Aldous, Sarah, this is Rachel.
Sarah bought me this shirt.
I could've guessed that. Yeah.
- Looks great.
- You look great.
Looks awesome.
- See.
- Thanks.
Mr Snow, I'm so sorry.
I did not know you
guys were coming.
You're gonna have to
wait five minutes.
I did not know you
guys were coming.
It's okay. It's not a problem.
I didn't see you guys, so...
There's really
no need to weep.
I'm not crying.
It's no problem, honestly.
It's not a problem.
- So, your table
is ready, guys.
Oh, great.
Hey, have a lovely
evening, you two.
- Thank you. Have a
great dinner, you guys.
Thank you.
You're welcome to
join us, obviously,
if you want.
- Okay.
- Wouldn't dream of it. What?
What?
- Oh, okay.
- Okay.
That's great. Awesome.
- Sure.
Great. I'll just
set two more places.
- Okay.
- Not a big deal.
Awesome.
So this is actually happening.
We're gonna let this happen.
I am so sorry.
I never thought in
a million years...
she would say yes.
I did.
What? I just accepted
an invitation.
I didn't wanna be rude.
It's got us in a
terrible situation.
Now I'm gonna have
to sit with him...
wearing this shirt all night.
You're wearing the
shirt regardless.
Australia is amazing.
- I'm telling you. It is
a great place to shoot.
Yeah?
Rachel, you would love it.
You would love it.
I wanna go. I really,
really wanna go there.
- Wait, so when's
the movie coming out?
Mmm.
It came out.
- It was already released.
- Oh.
Well, you know,
it's an island.
It's isolated.
- Yeah.
Movies don't really
come out here.
- Obviously.
- Did you like it?
- The movie?
- Yeah.
- It was...
- Awful bloody film.
I say, it's just a
ridiculous premise.
What would happen...
if your mobile
phone killed you?
Why would a mobile
phone kill anyone?
Doesn't make sense.
How can a mobile phone
have an agenda...
and kill people...
I told her that when
she read the script.
Yeah. You were the
voice of reason, mate.
I tried to be, but
she didn't listen.
Going around killing people.
A mobile phone,
like, doing murders.
Why couldn't you just
take the battery...
out of the phone?
Right. That's it.
The battle's over.
- Yeah, we've won.
I hated it.
Well, it's not for
everyone, but it...
No, it's ridiculous.
Here's my favourite scene.
Ring-ring. Hello?
Right. It would never happen.
- Yeah.
No, it could never happen.
It's a metaphor for
addiction to technology.
For society,
for how we're reliant
on technology.
I get it. I'm with you.
It's a metaphor
for a crap movie.
Well, it was the right choice
for me at the time.
Sure.
- You know?
Well, this is awkward.
Yeah?
- It's a bit more awkward now.
A little.
Hey, excuse me.
Can we get another
bottle of wine, please?
- Sure.
- Thank you.
Mr Snow?
Can I get cranberry juice...
with a bit of lime
in it, please.
Do you want cranberry juice
or cranberry cocktail?
Because I can probably
rustle up either one.
Throw some OJ...
I don't care.
Okay, great.
Hey, can we get
another bottle of wine?
If I've learned anything
from addiction,
it's that,
you know, life is as brief...
as the twinkling of a
star over all too soon.
So if you're in a situation
where you're with a woman,
why not do the most
interesting thing...
that you can do in
that situation?
And by which, I don't mean
have a conversation,
have a chin-wag,
a bit of a chat.
Lose yourself in something...
that's both ancient
and perennial.
Find something
eternal, perpetual.
Lose yourself in fuck.
I'm going to disagree.
Respectfully, of course, sir.
Maybe for you, that works.
For me, it's much
more enjoyable...
to get to know somebody.
If you end up
sleeping with them,
that's great.
But I like getting
to know somebody.
But he...
What he's saying is that...
he's gonna stick it
wherever he wants,
but he's joking.
I ain't. No, I'm not joking.
It's just what I
believe, really.
So...
Just so we're clear
and so I can hone in...
on your central
thesis of the night,
wade through all the bullshit,
you're telling me...
that you think you
have the right...
to just fuck anyone,
anywhere, anytime?
- Yes. There it
is. That's right.
That's what you're saying?
Not so eloquently...
as you just put
it, sweetheart.
But ultimately,
yes, that is...
Oh, no. Not the shirt.
Take my eyes, but
not the shirt. Mmm.
Yeah, that's pretty much
what I believe, Sarah.
When you're done making jokes,
are you gonna get a napkin?
Do you know what? I
think I've improved it,
actually, against all odds.
I think I deserve
a design award.
Please get some seltzer water.
- Garçon, could we get some...
- I saw it from farther away.
- Okay.
- Just lean back for a second.
No, it's all right. It's
not there. Let me...
You're very diligent.
I appreciate it.
Let go of the glass now.
You're gonna have
to walk away.
Bless you. There you are.
Oh, me, oh, my.
- Call the doctor.
- Oh, good.
- I love Hawaii.
- Is it good?
Yeah, it's nice,
but I think for
like a week tops.
Any more than that,
I know I'd go crazy,
because I think that
Hawaii is a place to escape...
for people who can't deal
with the real world.
Yeah, you know, there's so few...
personal shoppers
and pet therapists.
Gosh, it's such a hard life.
I like living here.
- Anyone need any more vino?
- I think we're good.
I've a question for
you real quick, Mr S.
I was actually
meaning to ask you,
what did you exactly
think of my demo?
Did you get it?
Did you get it?
Oh, no. I was gonna
listen to that,
but then I just carried
on living my life.
Not at all?
No, I didn't,
because, you know.
I go on my instincts,
and they weren't good.
You know what, dude?
Fuck you, okay? You
can go fuck yourself.
I can't yell right now
because I'll get fired.
My boss will hear me,
and then I won't be able
to pay off my student loans.
But you know what?
You're an asshole.
I fucking hate you.
I bought all your records.
This whole fucking time,
I've been trying...
to get you to come
hang out with me.
I'm gonna have people
fuck with your food...
the rest of your trip,
you fucking dick.
I like him. That
was quite moving.
Wait, wait, wait.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Are you sure that you're not,
like, too drunk?
Jesus, would you stop
being so sensitive.
Aldous.
Wake up.
- Aldous. Wake up.
- Hmm...
Make love to me.
All right. You go
on top, though,
'cause I'm knackered.
Listen.
Yes. Yes.
- Yeah.
Yes.
- Oh, yes.
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Oh, God.
- Yeah.
- Right there.
- Yes.
- Yes.
- Yes. She's having an orgasm.
This is the best sex ever.
Yeah, all right, that'll do.
What?
I made a mistake
coming here with you.
And I'm not done either.
- Please shut up. Okay.
- Okay.
You're still involved
with him next door,
ain't you?
Excuse me?
You should've seen yourself
at dinner, Sarah.
Then we come back here,
and you put on that
ghastly performance.
I mean, I've heard that
women do fake orgasms,
but I've never seen one.
It really deeply upset me.
You should have seen
yourself at dinner.
'Oh, I'm Aldous
Snow. Bullshit, bullshit,
bullshit, bullshit.
'No, no drinks for me, thanks.
'Bullshit,
bullshit, bullshit.'
That's a really
reductive impression.
If I wanted to
see you act badly.
I'd just watch your TV show,
which, obviously, I can't now,
because it's been cancelled.
Oh, my God, you're
such a prick.
And you know what?
Let me tell you something
about these tattoos, okay?
That is Buddhist.
That is Nordic.
That is Hindu. That's
just gibberish.
They are completely
conflicting ideologies.
And that does not make you
a citizen of the world.
It makes you full of shit.
Was that genuine or
did you fake that?
Right. I'm gonna
probably clear off now.
I'll have a little
sleep for a few hours,
then I'm gonna probably go
in the morning, okay?
I hate your music.
Yeah, well,
I fucked the housekeeper
the other day.
Are you sleeping?
Not any more.
I know that I'm leaving
in a couple of days,
so I don't even know...
what the hell this means,
but I really like spending
time with you a lot.
I know. Me too.
Hey.
Good morning.
Where are you going?
The Korean Textile
Manufacturer's Luau.
- Just kill me.
- Fun.
Joy.
I want you to know...
that I meant what
I said last night.
I know you did.
I did, too.
- Can I see you again tonight?
- Yeah.
- I get off at 7:00.
- Yay.
Bye.
Sir, morning mai tai.
You know what?
I actually will not be having...
an alcoholic beverage
this morning.
Jump. Jump. Jump.
- Don't make me do it.
Hey. Morning, mate.
- How are you today?
Yeah, I'm good.
I'm good. You okay?
Am I okay? I'm better
than okay, my friend.
You seem sprightly.
I...
I had a great time last night.
- Congratulations.
Well done. Well done.
Thank you.
What about you?
What's with the bag?
Right, yeah. I'm off
back to England, mate.
Oh, you and Sarah
are going to England.
No, no, no. I'm
just going alone.
- Yeah.
Did you guys have a
fight or something?
Yeah, it was really...
How you served...
five years under
her, I don't know.
You deserve a medal
or a holiday...
or at least a cuddle
from somebody.
You were only here for a week.
Well, I don't know.
For me, that one week of it...
was like going
on holiday with.
I don't know, I
wouldn't say Hitler,
but certainly Goebbels.
It was like a little
holiday with Hitler.
Jesus.
Hey, listen, at least
it's clear now...
for you two to reconnect.
Oh...
No, no. No.
You know what?
I have a good thing
going on with Rachel,
and I want to
see that through.
Well, maybe you could
have both of them.
Rachel and Sarah.
They got on all right,
didn't they, at dinner?
So maybe...
You know what?
First of all, I'm
not that kind of guy.
And even if I was, I
don't think that I have...
the sexual competency to
really pull that off.
Yeah. It's a gift.
I will say,
if you do get back
with Miss Marshall,
handle with care,
because, you know...
Okay. Well, I think
my ride's here.
So I'm gonna skedaddle then...
before anything
else happens to me.
Before life gets
any more daft.
Is someone gonna take that?
Listen, don't let
them grind you down.
Take it easy.
Hey, look at my driver.
I'm gonna have sex with her.
He said it was clear
I wasn't over you.
And then he left.
Fucking prick.
And then I started thinking,
what if he's right?
What if I'm not over you?
- Sarah...
Please just let
me finish, Pete.
What if I made...
a really, really
horrible mistake?
- Sarah.
- Yeah?
- Sarah.
- Yeah?
Stop pulling my face
towards your face.
Why?
You don't like it?
Listen, pulling my
shirt towards you...
is the same concept
as pulling my face.
Let's spend one more
night here together,
and then let's go
home and then...
And we'll just pretend
like it never happened.
...face reality. No.
- That's the big plan?
No. I love you.
That's not fair.
That's not fair of
you to say that to me.
Please, Peter.
- Tell me you're sorry.
- I'm so sorry.
I missed you.
I'm sorry.
God, I missed you, Peter.
All right.
Get hard for me,
Pete. Get hard for me.
- I know what I'm
supposed to do.
Okay.
Just do it. Come on. Get hard.
- I'm trying.
- Okay.
- Here. Just let me
do it for a second.
Okay.
I really want you,
Peter. I missed you.
You don't want help?
- You don't want help? Uh-huh.
Can you be quiet
just for a minute?
Do you want my hands?
Maybe just don't
talk for a second...
is what I mean.
Do you want my mouth?
- Yeah, maybe your mouth.
- Yeah. Okay.
What's the problem, Peter?
- I don't know...
- More?
You can keep trying
if you want.
What's wrong with you?
- Nothing is wrong
with me, okay?
Okay.
- No, I didn't...
Just, something doesn't
feel right any more.
Okay. Well, did
you... You know what?
Did you drink today?
Because sometimes
when you drink...
Excuse me.
No, I haven't had
anything to drink today.
Maybe the problem is that...
you broke my heart
into a million pieces,
and so my cock doesn't want...
to be around you
any more, okay?
Ever.
Because you know what
I just realised?
Huh?
You're the God
damn devil. Okay?
Wedding in Hawaii.
Real original.
- Hey.
- Hey, Rachel.
- Sarah and Aldous
broke up this morning.
What a surprise.
So I went to check
on Sarah, and...
Listen, I'm here...
because I don't want
to lie to you, okay?
Some stuff happened.
I'm really, really
sorry that it did,
but I'm also really glad
that it did, because
I'm able to see so clearly now...
that Sarah and I are not
right for each other.
What stuff?
I went up to make sure
that she was okay,
and it got weird.
But now everything is fine.
And I need you
to understand...
that I meant everything
that I said...
to you this morning.
What exactly happened, Peter?
We fooled around a little bit.
Shut the fuck up,
and tell me exactly
what you did.
All right. I went to her room,
and she was crying
and crying and crying.
And I felt like I
should comfort her.
And then she started
kissing me...
because I was comforting her.
And then the next
thing I knew.
I was kissing her...
because she had
been kissing me...
because of the comforting.
Then she started
taking my clothes off,
and then her clothes were off.
Then she performed...
10 to 15 seconds
of oral sex on me.
Okay. Peter, you
can leave now.
- At the most. Maximum.
Thank you for staying
at Turtle Bay.
Rachel, please don't do this.
The only reason I'm
telling you this...
is because I really
care about...
Listen to me, Peter.
I was a mess, too.
I understand. Okay?
But it does not excuse...
you acting like a
complete asshole.
Listen, I know that
I fucked things
up for a minute,
but I'm not like
every other asshole.
You should not be with
anybody right now.
Anybody.
I know...
I know that there
is something here.
I know that I was
not wrong about that.
And, yes, it's only
been four days,
but I know you feel it, too.
I need you to leave.
Do not write me.
Do not call me.
Do not e-mail me.
Peter, I need you to go.
I won't bother you any more.
I'm sorry.
I don't know what to do.
Hey, brother, what
you doing, huh?
You stealing my art?
I want you to put
it back right now.
Put it back, bro.
Listen, give me the picture.
Doo-doo paper.
You're throwing doo-doo paper?
Give me the picture.
Don't be stupid, brother.
Just give me the picture.
You can hit me as many
times as you want.
I'm not giving you
the photo back.
Oh, yeah.
No, no, no.
Peter, I told you I did
not want to see you.
Aloha, I'm Sarah Marshall...
from Crime Scene:
Scene of the Crime.
And when I'm not
scrubbing for evidence.
I'm flying Hawaiian Airlines
to my favourite destinations.
Now sit back...
and enjoy your
in-flight entertainment.
I know I will. Mahalo....
Everybody hates you
Everybody wishes
that you were dead
Because, Peter, you suck
Peter, you suck
Peter, your music
is fucking terrible
Peter, you suck
Peter, you suck
Peter, you don't do
anything of value
Peter, you suck
Write some music but instead...
you sit and write
these bullshit songs
It's so self-loathing
Go see a psychiatrist
I hate the psychiatrist
Well, go see one anyway
I don't like the psychiatrist
You need to go and see one
See a psychiatrist
I'm not going
It's getting kind of
hard to believe...
things are going to get better
I don't understand
what there is to think about.
Because, D, he...
She licked the tip.
That doesn't count.
- Of course it counts. He...
- He what?
He refused a blowjob...
from his ex-girlfriend
mid-blowjob.
Do you know what
that's like for a man?
It's called blue
balls, Rachel.
This guy is like
Gandhi, but better.
He likes puppets.
I love puppets.
I love Fraggle Rock.
I love Lamb Chop.
I love Elmo.
Sesame Street, Bert and Ernie,
Snuffelupagus.
Fucks my shit up....
This is a song that
I never thought I would write
On the night I'm dying
Sorry for all the
wrong I've done
I'm finished trying
It was a wonderful dream
Now let him come and slay me
There he is
The demon...
who haunted the
streets of London
I've come to slay you
Here I am.
I'll leave you
bleeding in my dungeon
I'll never obey you
I'll rip out your oesophagus
Please, Mr Van Helsing
Listen to me
He is just a man who
wishes to be free
Lay him in a hearse
You must end this curse
He is the worst.
Don't go my love
I can't say goodbye
My reign is done
It's time to die
I'm pregnant
Dracula
VAN HELSING: What have I done?
Has flown above
Who killed Dracula?
But he found a taste
A taste for love
My life is a lie
Sweet Dracula
I miss my young dead prince
I'll never see him again
Until my death
What a wonderful dream
To find a taste for love
A taste for love
Wow. You came.
I can't believe that you came.
Peter, this is great.
- It was really funny. Yeah.
- Thank you.
You know what?
I didn't realise that
it was a comedy,
and then someone told me that,
and it just, like, opened
the whole thing up.
- How long are
you in town for?
Open-ended.
- Bold.
- Yeah.
Yeah, you know, I'm kind of
checking out some schools.
- Congratulations.
- Yeah, maybe.
You never called.
You told me not
to. And I listened.
- Right.
- Wasn't easy.
I might have called
once and hung up.
- No. No.
- From a private number.
No.
Maybe.
Peter.
Nice job, Bretter.
Well, you should
probably go back.
Would you like to hang out
while you're here?
- Maybe we could
go to dinner or...
Yeah.
- Still have my number?
- Yeah. Yeah, I'll call you.
- Go.
- Yeah, I should do that.
Yeah, yeah. Go mingle.
Hey, Peter.
Hey, Bretter.
Come over here
and meet my mom.
- Go, go.
- Off I go.
- Hey, Peter.
- Nice job, Bretter.
The play was sick,
man. Good work.
- Nice job.
Good job, man.
That was awesome.
So cool.
Peter, congratulations.
I just wanted to
say thank you.
I had such a great
time tonight.
Oh, good. You know what?
I'm gonna change
out of this unitard,
- 'cause I'm getting
a chafe. Okay.
Enough said.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
Hey, Peter?
I was just calling you.
- Wow.
- Oh, Peter.
- I'm sorry.
- Stop laughing.
Can you please stop laughing?
I missed you.
I just...
You know, I actually
wanted to tell you...
that I've been thinking
so much about...
NARRATOR: This fall,
Sarah Marshall is back...
in a brand-new role.
Your wife had no enemies
that you're aware of.
Get ready for the
most daring show...
on television....
- Just came home, and
she was lying there.
Right.
In a world...
where you don't
know who to trust.
Charlie, who's Franco Marconi?
- No. No.
Gun, gun, gun, gun.
Drop it, drop it.
Go with your animal instincts.
- How did you know?
- She's an animal psychic.
Sarah Marshall returns
on Animal Instincts.
Life's a bitch.
And where you're going,
that's exactly what you'll be.