Voila! Finally, the Gigli
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Jennifer Lopez and
Ben Affleck movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Gigli. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
You see, after all is said and done...
the only thing you can be really sure of...
the only thing
you can really count on in this world...
is that you just never fucking know.
I bet the last thing
you were thinking about...
when you were tying your shoelaces
this morning...
was that there was a chance...
that by the end of the day, this day...
those same shoelaces
were going to be untied...
by somebody working
for the coroner's office.
Am I right?
I'm right, right?
Hey! Get the fuck out of here!
What, you wanna know about this?
Get out of here!
Take that shit to the dry cleaners.
Now!
Sorry. Long day. Where was I?
You know, the human body is,
like, % moisture, right?
How much do you weigh? ? ?
Now, I figure
if you could somehow extract % of that...
you'd have, give me a second...
thirty-four pounds...
of, like, solid...
not meat...
It'd be more like beef jerky, you know?
But with hair and bones and teeth...
shriveled-up tattoos and whatnot.
Probably be like this big.
In any event,
you're starting to follow my drift here, "papi"?
Because somebody has some money
that belongs to Louis.
Is it you, perchance?
Is it you that has some money
that belongs to Louis?
No.
- No? Sure?
- Yeah.
I'm gonna start this thing and leave.
What do you think?
Permanent press or delicate?
Wouldn't be appropriate if I asked you
if you had change for a dollar.
I got it.
Calm down. I just need four quarters.
No. I got Louis' money.
You got it.
Yeah, I do.
I got some of it, anyways.
No, this isn't what we talked about.
Now, this is... It was fucking simple.
- You been breaking the contract.
- Right.
It's simple. I give you, you give me.
You don't give me. It's a breach of contract.
You're fucking up.
What do you think I'm out here for?
I'm asking you a question.
What do you think I'm here for?
- Louis, I'm scared now.
- You're scared now? I don't give a fuck.
I told you not to let this get out of control.
What'd I tell you? I told you that, right?
Listen, here's what you're gonna do for me:
You're gonna come see me tomorrow
and you're going to bring me something.
Okay, you hear me?
- Yes, I do.
- Something to scale, all right?
Otherwise I can't talk to you no more.
All right?
I'm gonna have to send Gigli over.
He's gonna have to settle up with you.
You come to me tomorrow
or he goes to you. Very simple.
- I'll be here tomorrow.
- That's good.
- I'm not kidding.
- Get the fuck out of here.
- Okay.
- Get the fuck... Go, you fucking...
Fucking roach.
Fucking class of people.
- I'm in Siberia around here.
- I know.
Fuck this city.
I don't know how you guys cut it out here.
It's Gigli, by the way.
- What?
- My name is...
pronounced Gigli. It rhymes with really.
- Is that right? Is that so?
- Yeah.
All right.
I'll remember that for the next time, then.
Meanwhile, you got something
for me, Gigli? Rhymes with really.
It's about half.
- Half?
- Half for today.
Believe me, that's all the guy had.
It's better than nothing.
How about it's not better than nothing,
you fucking idiot?
Better is fuck the money
then you hurt him as to spread the word.
Since when are you authorized
to make policy decisions?
I'm sorry, Louis. I didn't know.
Are you all they got to offer around here?
You're supposed to be
this vicious, fucking mad dog.
I'm sorry.
Walk with me.
There is a certain individual...
who is creating very substantial difficulties
for a dear friend of mine in New York.
Now, this certain party...
is very bullheaded
and seems to be removed...
from what I would like to call
my sphere of influence.
- All right, how can I help?
- The plot needs a twist.
The individual needs to be touched
in some manner as to...
convince him of the error of his ways
before he can hurt other people...
- particularly my friend from New York.
- Right.
Now, this certain individual, he's got...
a beloved relative
with certain psychological defects.
I want the relative gotten, all right?
And I want him, for the time being,
held on to.
Perhaps then reason can prevail.
- You're following all this?
- Yeah, all of it.
Got it.
All right. Wait.
- Where is he?
- Over there.
Right there? That's him?
All right. Thanks.
I'm all right. You can go outside.
I'm okay. Thanks.
Are you Brian?
I know you're Brian.
Your friend ratted you out back there.
Hello?
What are you eating there?
What do you got?
- What are those, polly seeds?
- They're not. You're stupid.
I'm stupid.
- They look like polly seeds to me.
- They're sunflower seeds.
That's the same thing.
We called them polly seeds
when I was a kid.
You must be the stupidest person,
you piss-head, pisser-fucker.
Me and you, we're supposed
to go for a quick walk. You ready?
We'll take a walk around the block.
What do you say?
I won't give anybody my seeds.
Barry always asks
why I don't give anybody any.
Don't worry about it. Keep those.
That's for you, okay?
Let's go. We're gonna take a walk. Come on.
What did that?
He's kidding.
Sorry about that. All right, look...
it's real simple.
You and I are gonna go outside
and take a little walk.
I won't grab you again, okay?
I have to go to the Baywatch.
I'm sorry, what?
I have to go to the Baywatch.
I was gonna go.
You wanna watch "Baywatch"?
Roll by my apartment,
we'll turn on "Baywatch".
You're the stupidest person.
Not television. The Baywatch.
The Baywatch?
- Yeah, the Baywatch.
- Okay.
Can I go?
- You wanna go now?
- To the Baywatch.
Yeah. I'm going there. I was on my way.
- Yes, I would.
- All right.
Let's go.
Come on, let's go.
Okay, I gotta get my radio.
- The music's gonna be good there.
- Okay, good.
Baywatch!
Here we come.
Wait a minute.
You hear that, now? What is that?
- You hear that?
- No.
Yep, it's my walkie-talkie calling.
Yeah, hello?
I told you, don't ever bother me again
when I'm taking trips with my friends.
What? No, we're going to the Baywatch.
Yep, that's right, the Baywatch.
No. Holy mackerel.
Would you know
when they'll be open again?
We'll call you tomorrow for the update.
How do you like that?
Baywatch is closed today.
- No.
- Tomorrow we'll go.
I can't believe it.
This always happens like that, right?
When you plan a big trip.
Hello there. P.O.B.
What does that mean?
P.O.B. Limo drivers say that.
That's good. What does it mean?
P.O.B. Passenger On Board.
- Already?
- Yeah, already.
That's good.
You headed back to your place?
- I am.
- Good.
- We'll talk later.
- Yeah, we'll talk later.
Come on in. It's all right. I don't bite.
You hungry? I got food.
You thirsty?
I want a soda.
You want a soda? I'm out of soda.
Want a water?
You want a water? I'll get you a water.
All right. How is that? Good?
- I wanna go home.
- All right, you got to stay here for a little bit.
No, I wanna go home.
No, we got to stay here.
Can't do it right now.
So maybe you wanna watch TV or cartoons?
I wanna go home.
- We got to stay here.
- No.
Brian, what are you doing?
- Take me home now.
- Stop.
- Fuck all of you! You stupid soup-fucker!
- What?
- Don't do that, motherfucker!
- What's wrong with you? Cut that out.
- Cut it out! Stop! Be quiet!
- I'm going to the Baywatch.
All right.
Where are my seeds?
They're sunflower seeds, idiot.
They're right there.
- They're sunflower seeds.
- Behind you. Right there.
Stay here.
Everything's fine. Just kidding around.
- Hello.
- Hi.
May I be of some assistance?
Well, that remains to be seen.
Look, I'm sorry to bother you. It's just...
I was wondering if it wouldn't be
too much trouble if I could use your phone.
- That's...
- Right.
I just took a one-bedroom in the front...
and I've been waiting all day for
the phone company to come hook me up.
- You know...
- Yeah, it's just kind of a bad...
It'll only take a second, I promise.
You know, it's probably a local call.
I can't. I'm sorry.
I'll be in and out before you know it.
I promise.
Just leave a faint scent.
Yeah, all right. Come on in.
- Thank you.
- Sure.
The phone's right there.
- I promise it'll only take a minute.
- All right.
Hello.
What are you doing?
Go sit down in the kitchen.
These computer answering things,
they drive me nuts.
- You're making a telephone call.
- Right, she's making a telephone call.
Don't call Baywatch
because they're closed today.
I wouldn't think of it.
I'm sorry, I got to ask.
Do we know each other?
Not yet.
I'm Ricki.
Larry Gigli, right?
- I saw it on the mailbox.
- Yeah, it's pronounced Gigli.
Rhymes with really.
- It's nice to meet you, Larry Gigli.
- Nice to meet you, Larry.
What's your name?
Bob.
- You're stupid. That's not my name.
- That's not your name?
- What is your name, sweetie?
- That's it. His name's Bob.
- His name's not Bob.
- Your name is Bob.
Whatever your name is...
has anyone ever told you
you're a very handsome young man?
Can I talk to you for a minute?
Sure.
In private.
I can't fucking believe this.
It's an unexpected bonus. Who'd have
thought you were a babe magnet?
- You're better than a dog.
- You're a dog, you dog-head piss-fart!
Whatever.
You know,
I heard you were a bit of a fuckup.
But I gotta tell you, I'm frankly amazed
at how much of a fuckup you actually are.
- Am I missing something here?
- It would seem so.
Why don't you call Louis
and he'll explain everything to you.
I don't know that I know any Louis.
Then I guess he hasn't called you
to tell you he doesn't trust you...
with a task of this magnitude.
That he feels the stakes are too high.
- Nope.
- "Nope."
I guess he also probably
hasn't called to tell you...
that he'd feel more comfortable if there were
two independent, unacquainted...
perhaps even mutually hostile
contractors working on this...
so they could keep an eye on one another.
Nope. There's no reason
for you to take my word...
for precisely
how second-rate he considers you.
It'd probably make both our lives a lot easier
if you just heard it directly from him.
That's good stuff. I had that today.
- Excuse me one minute.
- Sure.
Louis, you there?
I'm here. What do you want?
Yeah, there's this...
young lady here trying to tell me that...
All right, this thing is monumental.
Certainly too big for a jerk-off like yourself,
but I had no choice.
This thing represents my ass and my future.
I want you to work with her and I want you
to watch her as she will be watching you.
I want you to know...
that I will personally excoriate
anyone responsible...
for the tiniest fuckup in this action.
- And I want you to understand that.
- Yes, Louis.
"Yes, Louis"?
Do you happen to know
what "excoriate" means?
It's not coming to me at the moment.
It means "to strip or wear off the skin of...
"to flay."
I'm learning a word a day. And it's critical
to use these words in conversation...
but that's not why I used it
in this conversation.
In this conversation
I used it because I meant it.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be going now.
All right, I'll talk to you later.
Yeah, don't worry about it.
Now don't get yourself all tied in a knot.
Okay? I don't know this guy,
and he doesn't know me.
But my reputation apparently is pretty solid.
So why don't you just get yourself straight...
and we can put this whole thing behind us.
And if you have
any decaffeinated or herbal tea...
I would really be most appreciative.
- I want tea.
- Two teas.
Let me tell you something, okay?
I don't know who the fuck you think you are,
but I don't work like this.
You got that?
If you wanna talk about reputations...
and if by some fucking miracle long shot
you haven't heard of my reputation...
let me tell you who the fuck I am.
I am the fucking Sultan of Slick, Sadie.
I am the Rule of fucking Cool.
You wanna be a gangster?
You wanna be a thug?
You sit at my fucking feet. Gather the pearls
that emanate forth from me.
Because I'm the fucking original,
straight-first-foremost, pimp-mack...
fucking hustler,
original gangster's gangster.
I don't know what you're talking about,
but I'm gonna get my stuff.
And don't you worry your little
gangster's gangster head about it...
I can manage.
How many cups of your own spit
you think you swallow every day, Larry?
I think about cups.
- Would you just shut the fuck up.
- You're an idiot!
- What is it with you?
- No, you.
- What, you just go in and out?
- You're an idiot.
- What the fuck are you talking about?
- You're the fuck, you stupid duck-fuck.
Do me a favor
and just act fucking normal for a minute.
- Looks like...
- Just for a minute.
You'll end up with Elliot over there.
I know you understand
what I'm talking about. Fucking be normal.
- I'm telling you...
- Not fucking crazy! Normal!
How about if I smack you
in the fucking head?
Leave him alone. We're supposed
to watch him, not slap him around.
Don't tell me what we're supposed to do.
How about this?
You leave him alone or I'll kill you.
You'll kill me? Fuck you! Go ahead.
I'll kill you.
You don't tell me what to do. Okay?
Don't tell me what we might do.
Don't tell me what we're supposed to do.
Don't tell me what we maybe should do.
Don't ever tell me nothing!
I'll tell you this,
you leave him alone or I'll kill you.
I'm gonna say cups.
I'm gonna say cups of spit.
I'm a genius. I'm a genius, man.
- What's he talking about?
- I don't know.
Look, why don't we try
and make this pleasant.
Nice.
Easy.
So, what do you normally hire out for?
I do jobs of various types.
- How about yourself?
- Me, too.
I do various types of jobs of various kinds.
There you have it.
How come I never seen you around before?
I'm from another place.
Where would that be, Ricki?
Somewhere else, Larry.
Okay. I see.
- And my name's not really Ricki.
- And what would it be, then?
Then how about I keep calling you Ricki
just to piss you off?
- Lf it'll make you happy.
- Yeah, it will.
- This isn't very good food.
- Too bad. That's your dinner. Eat it.
- I'm hungry.
- Fuck.
- He said he's hungry.
- So? Let him eat his food.
- I don't like this food.
- Too bad! Eat your food, stupid!
Back off! God! It's not his fault.
Yeah, it's not my fault I'm brain-damaged.
Beautiful. What are you, his shop steward?
Listen, you fucking retard, eat your...
- Enough! Easy already.
- Not enough.
- What is your...
- Let me tell you something.
In every relationship
there's a bull and a cow.
It so happens that in this relationship
right here with me and you...
I'm the bull, you're the cow.
All right? Bull. Cow.
- You got that?
- Yeah, I got it. Bull, cow.
You make him something else to eat.
Otherwise, mind your business.
I wanna go home.
You can't go home.
- I wanna go home.
- You can't go home right now!
- Eat your food!
- Piss you! I want to go home!
How you gonna go
to the Baywatch tomorrow if you go home?
This is your spot. Yeah?
It's nice. Come on. Lie down.
This is a couch.
Don't worry about it. It's fine.
It's a good sleeping place. Lie down.
Larry, read to me.
- What?
- Read to me, Larry.
Read to him, Larry.
I don't wanna read to him.
What do I got to read to him for?
Read to me, Larry.
- What for?
- It soothes me down.
- It soothes you down?
- Come on, Larry, read to him.
- What am I gonna read? I got nothing here.
- Read him a book.
You don't have a book?
- I got a phone book.
- There you go.
- Read to me, Larry.
- All right, fine.
Here you go.
"Since .
"For well over a century,
the adventurous flavor of Tabasco sauce...
"has fired up generations of thrill-seekers."
- Okay?
- That was good.
Read to me more.
"Lts all-natural ingredients and
unique aging process in white oak barrels...
"keeps Tabasco
on the culinary cutting edge.
"Try it on eggs, pizza, salads,
and any other food...
"for a burst of flavor
that will tantalize your taste buds." That's it.
- Read to me more.
- That's it.
I'm not reading the ingredients. I'm done.
- Okay, thank you, Larry.
- Sure.
Tell you what, no offense...
you don't look like any contractor
I ever met.
Apparently, there's a need for all types.
So listen.
You know, I was thinking
about what you said before...
about us being stuck in this situation.
There's nothing we can do.
I think you're right.
We might as well make the best of it.
I think so.
So, you know, look,
don't take this the wrong way, believe me.
But I just... This is, you know...
I hate to see you sleep on the floor like that.
I mean, come on.
So if you want to,
you can go ahead and just, you know...
just take half of my bed.
'Cause we're working together.
We're grownups, right?
You know, we're partners. We'll just...
do the whole thing professionally.
That's very kind of you. Thank you.
I mean, I'd love to.
You know, professionally.
Please.
How's that professionally? You like that?
That's professional. Right here.
Bull. Cow. That's how that works.
There's your bull right there!
There's your bull.
There's the horn.
You fuck with the bull, you get the horn.
That's professional.
Fucking professional.
Look at that.
That's the bull. Right.
Get the bull by the horn.
You know what I'm talking about?
I'll give you the horn. Want to see the horn?
You know...
you're actually a very attractive woman.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
You know, this may be a good time
to suggest...
that you not allow the seeds of cruel hope
to sprout in your soul.
I don't know what that means,
but it sounds beautiful.
It means you're not my type.
Is that right?
What about me is not your type?
Your penis.
What does that mean?
It means I'm gay.
It means I'm a lesbian.
But I got to tell you, if I wasn't...
I mean, after a first date like this,
I'd find it really hard...
not to just get under the covers
and do you bigtime right now.
Good night.
"Good night"?
Whoa, Step-papa.
With that sassy new look...
sheep's all that and a bag of chips.
Melbourne's forecast. ;
The chance of a brief shower tomorrow...
but we're expecting a mostly fine day with
a light-to-moderate southwestwardly wind.
Who the fuck are you talking to?
Sydney also fine and .
Brisbane, showers...
Give me that back, please.
- Sunny, .
- Give me that.
Adelaide and Hobart both
mainly fine days tomorrow. Around our...
You know how much this shit costs?
- It's $ .
- No, it's not $ .
- It's $ .
- No, it's...
Why am I even talking to you for?
- It's $ .
- Yeah, it's $ . All right.
Just wanted to tell you, you know,
just get straight about that thing last night.
You know, no hard feelings.
You know what I mean?
I don't want you to get upset or nothing.
That's it. Don't be coming back, though.
I mean, it's a one-time offer.
One shot with me. I'm out.
Are you expecting somebody?
Come on!
- Larry!
- Shit!
- It's your mother.
- Fuck! It's a cop.
Open the door!
- I was watching that.
- Be quiet.
Go in this room. Go. I want you to stay here.
- Don't come out. Don't say anything.
- We're going to Baywatch?
- Yeah. Soon. Stay here. Be quiet.
- Okay.
- Come on, I'm dying here!
- Coming!
- Larry, I have a chicken.
- Don't say anything.
What?
Your door's not thick enough to pretend
you're not home when you're home.
- What's up?
- I was in the neighborhood.
- How are you today?
- Just fine. Yourself?
Just fine.
I'm searching for news on the underground.
Might you know what it is I'm getting at?
- No.
- No. Well...
This is one of those mysterious cases.
Unsolvable. Probably turn out
to be an alien abduction, but you know...
we're obligated to at least create
the appearance of due diligence.
- What?
- I didn't say nothing.
You know, your friend Louis...
his supervisor back in the home office
is about to fold his napkin, right?
- Sorry?
- Starkman, in New York.
He's through.
Looking at huge federal time.
Big, ugly, dark dungeon underground.
No chance of parole, never ever. Time.
Yep. I'm sorry to say.
I hear he's a good guy, but, you know...
In any event, here's my problem...
and if you know any of this,
feel free, jump in, shut me up.
This federal prosecutor out here...
the one with Starkman's testicular matter
clutched in his fist...
this very federal prosecutor's
little brother...
Any of this sound familiar?
To me? No.
No. Well...
This very federal prosecutor's little brother,
a bit dopey from what I gather...
may have been absconded with...
which, as you can imagine,
would be to the dismay of our prosecutor.
I think...
But I could be wrong about this because
it's almost too stupid for a mind to grasp.
But I think maybe someone...
in your professional community...
might be participating
in these shenanigans...
to, I don't know...
help squeeze a little friendship...
altruism, whatever,
out of this particular federal official.
Maybe in the hopes that Starkman...
will wake up one morning...
And wake up one morning
to find all charges mysteriously dropped.
The school of thought of my colleagues
is that this kid is already way out of town.
I alone am of the opposite school.
I think he's still here. That's what I think.
But what's important is what you think.
What do you think?
As a friend who's got his ear to the street.
Seriously.
- I never... You know...
- I know.
You don't know nothing.
I can tell just by looking at you.
The whole thing's probably
alien abduction, like I said before.
Man, you know what I'd love to do...
right now?
Go down to Marie Callender's...
get me a big bowl, pie, some ice cream on it.
Good.
Put some on your head...
your tongue would slap your brains out
trying to get to it.
Interested?
Sure?
Yeah, I'm trying to get in shape, you know.
Say no more.
Thanks for the hospitality.
It can't be the most pleasant thing
to have your privacy be intruded on.
Maybe if you hear anything,
you'll let me know?
Yeah, you know, if I hear anything.
Yeah, I'll let you know.
All right.
A federal fucking prosecutor!
- Fuck!
- Larry?
- I'll come back now, okay?
- What are you doing? I told you to...
- I'm hungry.
- We got nothing to eat.
- I'm hungry, though.
- A federal fucking prosecutor.
- My brother's a federal fucking "prostitutor."
- You don't say.
Put this on.
- Did you know about all that stuff?
- No, not all of it.
- Maybe we should check into a hotel.
- Fuck that.
I live here. This is my place.
No one's getting me out of my place.
Put this on, too.
- I'm hungry. I wanna eat.
- I heard you the first fucking five times.
Come on.
Fucking around.
When are we getting to the Baywatch?
- What? What's that? You hear that?
- No.
What is that? It's the walkie-talkie again.
Hello? What?
You got to be kidding me. Again?
What's the deal with these guys?
How long? Maybe tomorrow? Okay.
Kick those guys in the ass for me, will you?
Those fucking guys. All right.
Talk to you later. Give us a call back.
Unbelievable.
You believe that?
The Baywatch is closed today. Again.
- They're closed?
- Yeah, I talked to them.
They said they're working on the problem,
but, you know...
they don't know how long it's gonna be.
What is the Baywatch?
It's where all the beautiful girls are.
They swim.
They swim there.
- You're talking about the TV show?
- No, you... Not TV. That's TV.
The Baywatch is where they really are.
They're really there.
I think you could be friends there.
I think that's where the sex is. I think so.
- Hey, you wanna turn that down?
- You fucking turn it down.
I don't think this is the best time
to be drawing attention to ourselves.
- Hey, Beavis, turn the fucking radio off.
- What the fuck is your problem, bitch?
"Bitch"?
You know what, creating a scene right now
would be a bad thing.
Yeah, that's right. Why don't you come here
so we can kick your ass.
What happened?
Let me. Okay?
Go ahead.
You know, what you boys need
is to develop better people skills.
However, in the meantime...
Excuse me.
You ever heard of Tai Moi Chai?
No. Okay.
In traditional Tai Moi Chai,
there are five levels of digital orb extrusion.
That's the gouging out
of your opponent's eyeball...
with one's finger.
The highest and most difficult to master
is my personal favorite:
"Kai Toi Mai".
Loosely translated,
that's "the rip that takes the past."
Now, once the thumb liquefies the eye...
it is deftly and immediately replaced
by the forefinger.
Deep thrust, hooking around
and securing the ocular nerve...
and then removing it with such force...
as to bring with it, by suction,
a vital portion of the visual cortex.
The part of the brain, as I'm sure
you may know, that stores visual memory.
The extraordinary element of this move...
the genius of it...
the absolute poetry of it...
is that, aside from the obvious wound...
one's opponent is left with no memory
of anything he has ever seen.
Family, friends, nothing.
Hence, "Kai Toi Mai":
"The rip that takes the past."
As you can imagine, very difficult
to practice in the United States...
but I felt well worth the trips
to the Chang Rai Province.
People skills.
See, knowing
how to properly judge character...
knowing how and when to make a move...
in short,
knowing who to and who not to fuck with.
These are things you boys are gonna
wanna work on in the future. Okay?
And one more thing:
Sports are all well and good,
but very hard to earn a living at.
So I want you guys to study hard
and keep your grades up, all right?
- Okay? Everyone, yes?
- Yes.
Okay. Good.
Brian, let's go.
Nice computer.
Here's suck-my-dick. Com.
So can you really do all that kung fu shit...
you said back there with the eye and that?
No.
That was all bullshit?
Sun Tzu said that in a war...
the best victory
is that which requires no battle.
- Is this some more bullshit now I'm getting?
- No.
Who's Sun Tzu?
A Chinese military theoretician
who pointed out...
that in a conflict, getting angry,
which you seem to do a lot of...
is a tactically and strategically stupid move.
It clouds your ability to reason.
It gives your adversary the upper hand.
You wanna cloud
your adversary's ability to reason...
thus gaining the upper hand yourself.
Whatever.
You know,
given how unhappy you seem to be...
I can see how that wouldn't be
the easiest thing for you to do.
- What is that supposed to mean?
- Just that.
I mean...
when men are boys, they're encouraged
not to cry, not to show their sadness...
so they're forced to find other ways to let
those feelings out. As I'm sure you know...
fighting and getting angry
are much more acceptable male behaviors.
So when these boys grow up, guess what
outlet they use to express their sadness.
A guy who's miserable at work
or depressed about his life...
comes home at night, what does he do?
He doesn't usually cry
in front of the wife and kids.
He usually yells at them.
So, Larry...
What?
What is it exactly you're so sad about?
No, I'm serious.
Yeah. What about your friend?
Mrs. Leonard. Whatever her name is.
Look, I can't right now, I'm sorry.
It's not a good time.
It's not a good time, Ma, that's why.
No.
Okay. All right!
What do you want, blood?
I said okay. I'm coming over, all right?
I'll be right over there.
I got to make a quick detour.
You can stay in the car.
Easy. A little lower.
- Right here?
- A little bit higher.
- A little lower.
- Ma.
All right, right there. God.
Look, Ma, if Mrs. Leonard isn't around,
you'll have to call a doctor sometimes.
I can't just drop everything
and show up here all the time, okay?
What, and I didn't drop everything for you?
"I'm so sorry, Larry,
I can't change your diaper now.
"You're gonna have to call Mrs. Leonard."
- Let me just...
- Let me. Hold on.
- What?
- He's got to pee.
I got to pee, Larry.
I thought I told you to wait in the car.
I thought you'd prefer it if we came in
rather than take the car somewhere.
Wouldn't want you to think
we lammed out on you.
Besides, I want to meet your mother.
- No.
- Larry, are those friends of yours?
- Yeah, close, personal.
- Well, invite them in.
I got to pee, Larry.
- Larry, invite them in!
- I am, Ma, all right?
- Hello, everybody.
- Hello.
My God.
- What a beauty.
- Ma.
What? I'm just saying.
You should see some of the pigs
he's brought by.
I mean, not that they were pigs, per se.
It's just that, by and large, they were
what I would call insignificant women.
You, I could tell right off the bat,
you seem to be of some substance.
- Excuse me, miss, where's the men's room?
- Right this way, darling.
Larry, she's gorgeous.
Don't you fuck this one up.
- So, what is your story, honey?
- I'm Larry's friend.
- Don't pay no attention to her.
- She thinks I'm beautiful.
Yeah. She's blind in one eye, though.
Open the door.
You all right in there?
So this is where you grew up?
Are you writing a book?
- Ma.
- Shut up. I didn't say anything.
I think you two
make a very cute couple, though.
- Ma.
- What?
What's with the "Ma"?
Stop already with the "Ma."
So, tell me...
are you and Larry sweethearts?
Before you answer,
let me say up front that I hope so.
What? Yes, I hope so.
What's so terrible about "I hope so"?
- Yeah? Guess what.
- What?
She's a lesbian.
Never mind.
She's been with fellas before.
Am I right, darling?
You're right.
But sometimes they have their limitations.
Am I right?
What are you two talking about?
Never mind.
We know what we're talking about.
- Am I right, sweetheart?
- You're right.
You know,
I wasn't always just Larry's mother.
I used to be...
quite experimental.
- Jesus Christ!
- Look at him!
Look who's not up-to-the-minute now.
- Big boy.
- That's it. We're going.
Brian, come on. We're going. That's it.
Ma, what...
All right. Just remember, you two,
life's not just black-and-white.
All right, we'll remember that.
Brian, let's go. We're going now.
- Let's go.
- Come here, you big lug, give me a kiss.
- I love you.
- Yeah.
- I washed my hands.
- Congratulations. Let's go.
- Goodbye.
- Come here, darling.
I feel like I know you already.
- Very nice meeting you.
- It's my pleasure.
All right, we're going. Let's go.
Come on. Let's go, Brian.
Just remember, you two, keep an open mind
because you never know.
- We will.
- Bye!
- I like her, she's very nice.
- Man.
On the satellite map,
the cloud over Queensland...
and New South Wales is bringing showers...
and there's very little activity
over the rest of the continent.
But there is some low-level cloud
over Southern Victoria...
which will bring isolated showers
mainly to the coastal areas.
Another chilly night in Melbourne's suburbs
with the mercury...
- What are you doing now?
...and Avalon falling as low...
- Brian, I told you, this is very expensive.
- It's not expensive.
Don't argue with me.
Why are you doing this? What do you care
about the weather in fucking England for?
- Australia.
- Whatever.
It's not England.
Whatever, Brian.
Why do you keep calling there?
I really like her voice.
Okay. Try to keep it under control, though.
- All right?
- Okay, Larry, I'll try.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
So I'm not your type?
How did we get back there all of a sudden?
Relax.
You're more woman
than I know what to do with.
I don't need to be dipping
into the sisterhood.
But I'm just curious
because all of a sudden now...
you say you've been with guys.
I have.
But they have their shortcomings?
Besides the fact that they give terrible head.
See, right there, that tells me something.
I know the guys you've been with
obviously didn't know...
how to bring home the pearls
when they were diving for oysters.
I was actually just joking.
Well, since we're letting it all hang out now,
let me tell you something else.
Okay, when it comes to pleasing a woman,
your girlfriends, they're just...
they're at a natural disadvantage.
It's like they might try hard,
but they're just not backed up...
with millions of years of
genetic engineering, programming, instinct.
Nature has evolved man for that purpose.
Satisfy.
Lead the pack.
That's why lesbians are always buying,
spending their dough on, you know...
sexual appliances, erotic monkey wrenches
and shit, trying to compensate...
for what they don't have.
What they're not getting.
The penis. That's right.
Its very design
tells you everything you need to know.
Forward motion. With advancements.
Fucking progress into the dark, deep...
mysterious unknown.
It's like adventure-seeking...
frontier-conquering...
obstacle-eradicating.
And you tried to create the impression
you didn't read books.
You're settling for second best.
That's all I'm saying.
So, in review...
you're saying...
that it's men
that are at the top of the must-fuck pyramid?
That's all I'm telling you.
Loving, caring...
- sensitive, giving men.
- That's right.
You're entitled to your opinion.
But let us reconsider women for a minute.
- Shall we?
- Sure.
Their form:
Neck. Shoulders.
Legs.
Hips.
I think pretty cool.
Now, as far as your famous...
penis goes...
The penis is like some sort of...
bizarre sea slug...
or like a really long toe.
I mean, it's handy, important even.
But the pinnacle of sexual design?
The top of the list of erotic destinations?
I don't think so.
One's first impulse is to kiss what?
To kiss the lips.
Firm...
delicious lips. Sweet lips.
Surrounding a warm, moist...
dizzyingly scented mouth.
That's what everyone wants to kiss.
Not a toe. Not a sea slug.
A mouth.
And why do you think that is, stupid?
Because the mouth is the twin sister...
the almost exact look-alike of the what?
Not the toe.
The mouth is the twin sister...
of the vagina.
And all creatures big and small
seek the orifice.
The opening. To be taken in, engulfed.
To be squeezed and lovingly crushed
by what is truly...
the all-powerful, all-encompassing.
Now, if it's design you're concerned with...
hidden meanings, symbolism and power...
forget the top of Mount Everest.
Forget the bottom of the sea,
the moon, the stars.
There is no place, nowhere,
that has been the object...
of more ambitions, more battles
than the sweet, sacred mystery...
between a woman's legs
that I am proud to call...
my pussy.
So I guess this is just my roundabout way
of saying...
that it is women who are,
in fact, the most desirable form.
Wouldn't you agree?
I agree.
And so do I.
Hello?
- Is somebody there?
- Yes.
Who's this?
I don't find this funny.
Is this the retard?
Brian, what are you doing now?
Give me the fucking phone.
Hello?
Who the fuck is this?
What the fuck is going on over there?
Nothing. Sorry, Louis.
We're not getting the desired movement.
We're stepping up the operation.
First thing in the morning, send his thumb
to James Dorf... Are you listening?
- Yeah.
- Good.
To James Dorf
at the U.S. Courthouse on Spring Street.
Hold on one second. Go in the other room.
Go in the other room in the back.
Go in the back.
I'm talking on the phone. Go in the back.
What do you mean?
How do I send his thumb?
You cut it the fuck off.
You take it to Boxes 'R' Us...
or whatever it is.
You put the appropriate postage on it...
and that's how you send it.
Send it express next-day delivery.
Make sure you kindly refrain from providing
a return address, you fucking dummy.
I mean...
You want me to cut his thumb off?
It's enough already. Put the clam-licker on.
Hold on. Wait a minute.
What about, like, the bleeding and the...
I can't believe I'm talking to a professional.
I'll send people to help you,
they'll take your thumb, too.
- I'm not saying that.
- I don't like the habit of hiring you...
and then having to hire someone
to make sure you do your job right.
Do your fucking job right, you hear me?
I'm getting tired of this.
- Larry.
- What?
Can I stay here with you?
No.
- Time for you to go to bed anyways.
- I don't want to go to bed.
- Lf I tell you to go to bed, go to bed.
- I don't want to go to bed, though.
"New. Our best Charmin ever.
"Charmin Ultra Double Roll.
"Twice as many sheets
as regular Charmin Ultra.
"Unscented bathroom tissue.
square feet.
.
" . inches by . inches."
And they got it in centimeters or whatever.
It's the same shit on the back. All right?
- Good night.
- Good night, Larry.
- Yeah.
- Thank you very much.
What are your friends like?
- I don't really have friends.
- Who do you hang out with?
Nobody.
Why do I think you're not exaggerating?
I just keep to myself.
I go about my business, you know.
Do my work.
A charming, loveable guy like yourself?
You should get out more.
I'm sure there's a ton of straight women
who you could make very happy.
Louis wants us to cut the kid's thumb off.
I'd like to give shouts to all my homies.
Mrs. Friedman. Lily.
Mr. Mossman
and the man he plays cards with.
Forgot his name.
And all my peeps at Wilshire Adult Care.
Everybody in the cafeteria. Big ups!
What's up to my man Larry. And Ricki.
Yo, yo, yo. Peace, G.
And the rec room.
I got neighbors, you know.
Dígame sabrosa.
- What's that?
- It's "español".
What does it mean?
I don't know.
See that?
Don't be a playa hater, G.
- Yeah?
- Who the fuck are you?
Who the fuck are you?
Excuse me.
What a shithole!
- Lady, I think you're in the wrong place.
- You are in the wrong place.
All right? You're in the wrong place.
You have no idea.
And who the fuck are you?
- You're the fuck are you.
- What?
What are you doing here?
- I'm stalking you.
- Wait, you know her?
First of all,
do not say my name in this room. All right?
Second of all, you're out of line.
This is a professional situation
and you have no right to intrude.
What kind of professional situation?
I can't believe this.
A fucking man?
Okay. I really thought
this was all about Sharon.
- Are you telling people where we are?
- Mind your own business.
- Shut the fuck up.
- Blow me.
Listen, both of you shut up.
Look, I haven't told anybody where we are.
And, Robin...
this is a professional situation.
Our problems
have nothing to do with Sharon...
and they have nothing to do with him.
- I want you to leave right now! Please.
- No!
I'm not leaving, he's leaving.
What? Who the fuck do you think you are?
- I fucking live here. I'm not going anywhere.
- Yeah?
Neither am I. Going to be all there is to that.
- Why are you doing this?
- What if I throw you out?
What if I roundhouse you upside
your fat head and collapse your skull.
- I don't know. Give it a shot.
- Don't. She knows how to do that stuff.
- Don't be macho.
- I don't give a fuck.
This isn't lesbian talk-circle time.
We got something to do.
- You're getting the fuck out. Got it?
- I mean, this? You need this?
You need a little freedom or something?
You want to dabble? We can all fuck.
We can all have sex together, that's fine.
What do you say, Hot Rocks?
- Would you like it?
- You're out of your mind.
- You know you want it.
- Our situation has nothing to do with him.
It's over.
- It's not him. It's us, honey.
- Right, it's not you, it's her. Get the...
Just shut up for one second! God! Fuck!
This has nothing to do with him.
- It's just, we're over.
- No, we're not over.
We'll set up together, the three of us,
till you get this out of your system.
- Baby, you're not hearing me.
- I'm fucking hearing you. Okay?
God damn it!
See, I'm going to kill myself right now
and you care...
- That's a nice girl.
- Shut the fuck up, all right!
- What the fuck is that?
- What did you...
No.
- What did you do?
- Is this hot enough for you?
- Get away.
- You want some?
Get away. What's wrong with you?
- Oh, my God.
- What the fuck is this?
Lady, you need some Band-Aids.
This must be Mental-fucking-lllness Week.
That woman is fucking beautiful.
Yes.
She's like the ones at the Baywatch.
They make my penis sneeze.
You got a good sense of humor,
you know that?
God bless you.
- Thank you.
- No, not you, stupid.
When my penis sneezes,
I say, "God bless you.
"God bless you, penis."
She's going to be okay.
What a relief.
Brian, would you excuse us?
I want to talk to Larry for a minute. Okay?
- You'll be all right in the car?
- Yeah.
Okay, good.
I just...
I got to tell you,
I'm not up for this thumb deal.
I say we don't do it.
You trying to test me?
Is that it? You wanna see
if I'm gonna do what I'm supposed to do?
No.
So, what are you,
a contractor with a conscience?
Look, I've done some bad things...
but I didn't sign on to this
to be a brutal street thug.
Because, as far as I'm concerned,
that's not the job I took.
How would you get around it?
I'd work it out.
But first I got to know, are you with me?
Sure.
Sure or yes?
- That's the same thing.
- No, it's not the same thing.
See, if I were to ask you to move my couch
for me you'd probably say, "Sure."
But if I were to ask you
to look deep into my eyes...
and tell me from the bottom of your heart...
if it would give you great pleasure
if I were to suck your cock for hours...
if I may be presumptuous,
you'd probably say, "Yes."
See, it just implies
a different level of commitment.
Ask me the question again.
Okay. Are you with me?
Yes.
Yeah? Good.
Isn't this B level?
Isn't this B level?
This is D level. You shouldn't be here.
I'm looking for B level.
This is a D level and no one is allowed here.
You need to go back to B level.
Hold on.
Because you're confusing me, okay?
You're confusing me.
Let's just start from the beginning.
If this isn't B...
Oh, my God.
- I am so sorry.
- That's okay.
Just soak that in cold water
and it'll come right out, okay?
I promise you. Yes. No, it will.
The thing is, the reason I'm here
is they told me to go around the corner...
- Close your eyes.
- What?
Close your eyes. Follow me.
Just walk in. Don't look.
Come on. Go. You're fine.
- Can I open them?
- No. Stand right here.
- It's cold in here.
- Don't look at nothing. All right?
- Can I open them?
- No.
Stay turned around.
Smells like my grandmother's.
- What was that?
- It's nothing.
I like big butts and I cannot lie
The other brothers can't deny
When the girls walk in
with an itty-bitty waist
And round things in your face
You get sprung, wanna pull up tough
'Cause you notice that butt was stuffed
'Cause I'm long, and I'm strong
And I'm down to get the friction on
So, ladies, yeah
Ladies, yeah
If you wanna roll in my Mercedes
Yeah
So turn around! Stick it out!
Even white boys got to shout
Baby got back!
Baby got back!
That's an old-school song.
You're old-school, too, Larry.
We got an item that we want
to package ourselves and, you know...
- Mail out.
- Okay.
Could we just get an envelope from you?
What size would you like?
- Just the top, right...
- by .
So all right.
We're done, right?
That's it.
Thanks.
Would you like your parcel insured?
No, that's all right.
I'll be right back.
Friend of yours?
Close, personal.
You know something?
You're right. It is sadness.
I'm fucking sad. You got me.
You're a genius.
You know why I'm fucking sad?
Because I got this fucking...
beautiful, sexy, gorgeous...
heartthrob-o-rama,
fucking smart, amazing bombshell...
-on-a-fucking- -scale girl...
sleeping in a bed, right next to me.
And you know what?
She's a stone-cold dyke.
A fucking untouchable...
unhaveable, unattainable brick wall...
fucking Dykeasaurus Rexi.
So it's sad, okay?
What do you want me to do?
I feel fucking sadness about that.
There's nothing I can fucking do.
And not only is she a major babe...
but I really like this girl a lot.
A lot.
She's not like anybody else
I ever knew before...
and that's a completely fucking new one
on me.
I don't even know her real fucking name.
So there you go.
And in case you're interested, my life sucks.
All right? Stick a fork in me, I'm done.
Clean the bar all you like.
I'm just going to puke on it again.
- Oh, you got me.
- Oh! I got you!
Do you think your fingernails
need trimming?
They're fine.
What? You don't like my fingernails now?
Look, I have no idea if this is true or not,
but I've heard it said...
that those who are balanced
more toward the masculine of either sex...
check their fingernails this way.
And those balanced more toward
the feminine check them that way.
I had a feeling that even though
you have this tough guy thing going on...
that you are wrestling
with some very strong feminine leanings.
That's fucking bullshit.
I can't see. I'm farsighted.
Nearsighted, whatever it is.
So I hold them out here
but I can't see them up close.
To find out how somebody's
balanced toward a masculine, look at me.
I can't see. That's why I hold them far away.
- All right.
- Yeah, it is all right.
No, all right.
I was gonna do this. That's what I wanna do.
But I know I can't see
so I hold them out there to look at them.
All right.
Don't give me that look.
I see you looking at me.
- Are you gay?
- What the fuck.
No. I'm not gay!
Why do you look at me and think I'm gay?
I'm not fucking gay!
- Are you sure?
- Yeah, I'm fucking sure.
You know what, I bet you're right.
- Thank you.
- It wasn't a compliment.
Ricki, whatever your real name is,
all right, this is my eyes.
Look how I'm acting.
You're driving me crazy.
You give me a fucking headache.
I don't even know why I had a crush on you,
back a long time ago when I first met you...
that you really cured me of.
I don't know.
Maybe it's because you know
I can kick your ass.
Maybe that turns you on.
You cannot kick my ass.
What?
You need a woman.
I got one.
Stop.
Kiss me again.
I thought you wanted to be my bitch.
This is so fucked up.
- Where you going?
- It's turkey time.
Gobble, gobble.
What?
Now, you talk the talk...
you know I'm expecting
you to walk the walk. Come on.
Show me what I've been missing
my whole life.
Lay some of that sweet "heterolingus"
on me.
I think...
to be serious...
I just... You know, I think...
I was thinking, you know,
and you were right...
when you said probably,
actually a woman might know more...
about what feels better to another woman.
She's a woman herself.
A guy might be at a certain disadvantage.
You know, like...
It's like, you need a handicap.
You know, like golf.
Shut up and get over here.
God bless you, penis.
What'd you say?
Nothing.
Every relationship has a bull and a cow?
That's right.
Just to be up front about all this...
when this gig is over...
I want you to know
that I'm going to be leaving.
Listen...
you and Trixie over there,
meet me at Beverly and Lomitas.
Louis, what's going on?
And don't bring the thing.
- The what?
- The thing. Don't bring it.
What thing?
The thing. Don't bring... Don't bring it.
- You mean the...
- Yeah. Don't bring it.
You leave it somewhere safe
for the time being.
- All right.
- You understand?
- Yeah, I understand.
- And hurry up, jackass.
What?
It's Louis. Fucking pissed.
See this? Some cookies in there.
Be back.
- When are you coming back?
- Soon.
- Just relax, eat your breakfast. Okay?
- I'm not hungry, though.
Well, you can't skip breakfast.
It's a very important meal. All right?
Don't go nowhere. Don't touch nothing.
- Don't make phone calls. I'm not kidding.
- All right, Larry.
All right. See you later.
- Bye, Ricki.
- Bye, Brian.
- What?
- Nothing.
You know, I got this fantasy.
About making it with a guy?
No.
That's not it.
Going somewhere, you know,
like, somewhere really...
clean.
- Clean?
- Yeah.
No scumbags telling you what to do.
Nobody yelling at you all the time.
Someplace you could just be.
Be yourself.
No bad stuff.
That sounds good.
- What's up?
- We have a visitor from New York.
Follow me.
Hello.
- Welcome. Nice to meet you.
- Hello, sir.
Finally. Nice to meet you, too.
Come. Look at you. Beautiful.
Come on in. Here. Grab a couch.
Sit, sit.
I say everything twice. In, in. Sit, sit.
I'm so glad you could come...
on such a short notice, too.
Thank you, I really appreciate it.
I really... I thank you.
I appreciate it. Here, I've got some stuff.
I'm sorry if I'm a bit of a mess,
but I just got in a few hours ago.
I'm sure Louis told you,
you know, I'm having...
some little legal problems
out here right now.
What are you gonna do? It's a nuisance,
but what are you going to do?
I got to fight it, right?
I mean, I can't go to jail.
That just can't happen.
I'm used to the finer things.
- Louis, am I right?
- You are right.
It can't be. So I think we can say...
beyond a shadow of a doubt,
that it's not gonna happen.
Somewhere a mistake has been made.
Did you know...
that apparently some people...
do not regard the thumb,
technically, to be a finger?
Curious for myself, I turned to Louis here...
who with his newfound dictionary skills
looked it up for me.
- You know what it said?
- No.
Tell him what it said, Louis.
It said, quote:
"The short, thick, inner digit of the hand
next to the forefinger." Unquote.
Now it said, "digit," not "finger."
So I still don't really know, technically,
if it's considered a finger or not.
- Right?
- Right.
Right. Look at him. I love him.
I love this guy. He eats no matter what.
I love you, Louis.
What's this?
What is this? Louis.
I've been subpoenaed.
I can't be consorting with armed felons.
A little consideration, please.
Besides, you think something like this
is necessary...
anyway, to intimidate people?
I say intimidation comes from within.
There are a multitude of qualities
an individual can possess...
that make them intimidating.
Not only this, this is the outside.
Then there's the inside.
But you know
what's the most intimidating quality?
Not that you asked.
But the absolutely most intimidating
in my opinion?
When an individual just doesn't give a shit.
- Louis, you want to go to medical school?
- Medical school?
Yes!
Students there
can always use something to learn on.
I feel like I'm floating.
I feel...
released.
I don't give a shit.
I don't.
I have no compunctions...
none whatsoever.
And I am very concerned...
about the way things have turned out here.
How was the bleeding?
The bleeding?
No, not him.
The retard, when you cut his thumb off.
Louis told me you were concerned.
Bleeding was fine.
Fine?
It was all right.
Okay. Good.
I didn't need your help, you know.
I could have beaten these charges.
What were you thinking?
You were gonna extort a federal prosecutor.
You thought you could say:
"Kidnapped your little brother,
drop all charges," and the guy'd roll over?
You didn't think
all hell wouldn't break loose?
You didn't think every fucking fed...
wouldn't drop what they were doing...
and dive in to protect one of their own?
What do you morons think...
this is Little Italy?
Wake up!
This is the twenty-fucking-first century!
So now...
things are bad.
And whether you wanna call a thumb...
a finger or a digit...
for the sake of this discussion,
it doesn't really matter.
You know why?
Because whatever you choose to call it...
a thumb...
has a fingerprint...
and the one you sent...
had the wrong fucking one.
- Mr. Starkman...
- I know my fucking name...
you piece of shit!
You don't try to extort...
a federal fucking prosecutor!
And if you do...
you don't fuck around!
Fuck this.
Cutting off his thumb was a stupid order.
We would have been derelict
in our responsibilities if we had followed it.
Hello.
How long could we have kept below radar...
with a thumbless, bleeding half-wit?
You see, sometimes...
one has to use
their professional prerogative...
to override a dumb request.
With all due respect...
even at this point if you were to ask us...
to pursue a course of action that would be...
let's say, contrary to your best interests...
then as awkward as it might be...
we would have to take exception.
Aside from those of us in this room...
there's only one person, really,
that can link you to this fuckup.
And I feel that we should...
rectify that problem as soon as we can.
I think I'd much prefer just to...
you know...
end it right here.
And that would be
your professional prerogative.
If you think that having
that kid picked up by the authorities...
and telling them all about being kidnapped
in an attempt to save your ass makes sense.
If you think that's the best tactic
to keep you out of jail.
If you think that's any less dumb
than asking to have his finger cut off...
well, then that would be
the thing that you should do.
But if you don't...
then let us take the thorn out of your side.
Let us make sure that kid will never be
able to testify against anybody.
And if after that you're still not happy...
then we can all talk again.
- You were kidding, right?
- What do you think?
We'll take Brian back
to where you found him and get out of here.
Are we going to the Baywatch now?
No, we can't go to the Baywatch now.
Take you later.
Maybe this is it. Maybe this is the thing.
Maybe this is a sign coming from nowhere,
from out of the blue...
just telling me it's time. It's time to get out.
It's time to do it.
When I'm alone in my room
Sometimes I stare at the wall
and in the back of my mind
I hear my conscience call
telling me I need a girl
who's as sweet as a dove
For the first time in my life I see
I need love
So if you know who you are
why don't you make yourself seen
take a chance with my love
you'll find out what I mean
I need love
I need love
Let me ask you something.
You got a girlfriend?
No, I don't.
Let me do something for you.
You know, make up for all the problems
I caused you.
Because I see you're a little nervous
around women. Right?
Let me tell you something. You got
no reason to be shy. There's no magic to it.
Let me tell you this thing that I heard,
and I'm starting to believe that it's true.
You know?
It's that the thing
you're most afraid of in life...
if you do it, if you step up,
good things will happen.
You see a girl that you like
that you're scared to talk to...
bro, step up.
Go up to her and say:
"Hi, how are you today?
Nice weather we're having."
Take it from there,
wherever the conversation goes. You try it.
Try it with me. Practice. Go ahead.
Hello, how are you today?
Try it with me. Go ahead. Just say it.
Hello, how are you today?
Come on, Brian. Hello.
How are you today?
"How are you today?"
Nice weather we're having.
"Nice weather we're having."
There you go. You see how he did it?
It's because you stepped up, Brian.
If you're afraid, step up and good things
start to happen. Am I right?
- I stepped up.
- Step it up, pimp.
That's how you move. Step it up.
So, now that we're partners in crime...
how about telling me your real name.
The reason that I ask that...
is because I don't know
if you gave it any thought since last night...
but I've been thinking about it.
And seeing... You know, looks like
now we're both going to be leaving.
So I thought, you know...
All right, look.
I'm gonna lay it all out there for you
right now.
I'm just gonna say it,
because, you know, here I am.
- I think...
- Larry.
You know I haven't done
this kind of thing hardly ever.
The whole man thing...
doesn't really
hold that much for me, usually.
I know.
But somehow you got through.
Somehow.
But in the end...
I don't think
I could ever be what you really want.
- So where do you think you'll go?
- I don't know.
Somewhere clean.
You know, Northern California...
Oregon maybe.
You could just drop me off
near the Pacific Coast Highway...
- and I'll figure it out from there.
- Okay.
After that, Brian,
I think it's gonna be time to go home.
We just left there a little while ago, though.
I don't mean my apartment.
I mean, you know, the place where you live.
Where I got you.
What, you mean to stay?
Yeah, buddy. To stay.
Oh, my God.
- It's open. Oh, my God.
- What are you doing? Sit down.
- Oh, my God. I'm gonna go.
- Brian, what?
- What's he talking about?
- They're open.
They're open. Oh, my God. The Baywatch.
They're open!
- Cowabunga!
- Oh, my God.
That's the Baywatch?
It's open. It's the Baywatch.
Hello there!
I can't believe this.
- I can't believe. Stop.
- We can't stop now.
No, we have to stop!
No, Larry, no! They're here. We're here.
I know. We can't, though. I'm sorry.
We can't stop.
- We're here. Come on.
- We're here.
- We're right here.
- Brian.
Wait. That's it. We're right here.
Wait a second.
Wait. So turn around now, okay?
All right.
What do you think?
- Can I go down there?
- Brian, you can't go down there, no.
I mean, we're not allowed down there.
Plus, we got to go soon.
Please? Please, can I go down there?
You know, Brian, I don't even think...
This might not even be the Baywatch.
I think this is probably something else.
Larry, you promised me.
You promised me.
- It's right there.
- I know.
Just for five minutes?
Brian, what's your brother's name?
My brother's name is stinky Jimmy Dorf.
Want to know why?
Yeah, some other time, I do.
Yeah, Los Angeles. The U.S. Courthouse.
The office of a James Dorf.
- Because... Do you want to know why?
- Yeah.
Because sometimes he smells like fish.
No, I don't think so.
Yeah, I'll give you my name.
Give me a minute. Hold on. I forgot it.
Brian, look at me.
I think your brother and his friends
are gonna be here soon to pick you up.
Okay?
I want you to know something.
You're a good kid.
I'm sorry about all the...
I'm sorry for being...
I'm sorry.
I think you're wrong.
I think that is the Baywatch right there.
Who knows. Maybe it is.
I'm a genius, man. I knew it.
You take good care of yourself, Brian.
You take good care of yourself, Larry.
I'll do that.
Brian, let me ask you something.
How do your fingernails look?
- My fingernails?
- Your fingernails, how are they looking?
- Don't say nothing.
- They look very good.
I got A-plus nails.
- I give an A-plus for fingernails.
- Never mind. Okay. Good.
Go ahead.
Go on.
I don't know how you're thinking
about getting out of here or whatever...
what your plans are...
but I think you should take my car.
Go ahead, take it. Take it.
I couldn't do that, Larry.
I'd rather...
You know, I'd prefer if you had it.
It's a good car,
and I want you to be all right.
And I know that
it'll get you wherever you need to go.
So just, you know, take it.
I was thinking
about getting rid of it anyway.
I'm trying to change my image.
Go ahead, take it.
Please.
Okay.
- I will, thank you.
- Don't mention it.
Just do me one favor, though.
Name it.
As far as the lesbian thing goes...
Yeah?
...if you do ever think
about hopping the fence...
promise you'll give me a call first.
Okay, ladies and gentlemen, listen up.
Camera is ready and picture is up.
I need all dancers to first position
as soon as possible.
All dancers to first position
as soon as possible. Let's go.
Okay, listen up, guys.
Can we please finish pairing up, everyone?
Come on, guys,
it's not like you're mating for life.
As the old song goes. ;
"just love the one you're with."
Find someone to love.
Come on, Brian. Dance with someone.
Nice weather we're having.
Yes, it's very nice.
It is?
Yes. But the weather's always very nice
around here, isn't it?
Yes.
And a % chance of precipitation
for low-lying coastal regions...
extending from New South Wales to Victoria.
And playback.
And action.
Rochelle.
What?
Rochelle. That's my real name.
So, Rochelle...
does this mean
you decided to hop the fence?
I wouldn't go that far.
But I figured
since I helped get you into all this...
the least I could do
is offer you a ride out of town.
Fair enough.
What?
You know,
I bet you'd look awesome in some mascara.
- I'm not sure how to take that.
- It's a compliment.
Yeah?
Like your mother said,
life's not always black-and-white.
Sometimes you just never know.
Are you driving or bullshitting?
I'm driving.
I like big butts and I cannot lie
The other brothers can't deny
When the girls walk in
with an itty-bitty waist
And round things in your face
You get sprung, wanna pull up tough
'Cause you noticed that butt was stuffed
'Cause I'm long, and I'm strong
And I'm down to get the friction on
So, ladies, yeah
Ladies, yeah
If you wanna roll in my Mercedes
Yeah
So turn around! Stick it out!
Even white boys got to shout
Baby got back!
Baby got back!