Voila! Finally, the Girl Next Door
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Elisha Cuthbert,
Emile Hirsch, Timothy Olyphant, James Remar, yadda yadda. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Girl Next Door. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
[Woman Moaning]
How do you want me?
[Man] Oh, that's good.
Yeah. Just, uh...
Just get comfortable.
[Woman Chuckles]
I'm a little nervous.
Nah, you're doing great.
[Camera Winding, Clicking]
A little to the right
there, gorgeous.
Okay. Like this?
- Oh, that-a-girl.
- [Chuckles]
[Man Chuckles]
Yeah.
Okay.
You ready?
- Yeah.
- [Girl] You're blushing, Dorothy.
[Laughing]
Okay, and big smile.
[Girl's Voice] Kathy Regan.
I will always remember...
- [Shutter Clicks]
- the game against Fairfield.
That one final kick.
State champions, senior year.
[Boy's Voice]
Hunter McCaffrey.
I will always remember
all the great times...
with the dirty dozen
and mackin'all the honeys.
Cindy K., Tina B.,
Michelle H.
Goddamn.
Just too many to remember.
- Yeah!
- [Boy # ] I'll always remember...
lacrosse champions.
All the glory days
with the boys.
[Boy # ]
I will always remember...
the math club madmen.
- Look .
- Making the perfect fake I.D.s.
Which lasted six seconds.
- [Boy # ] Troy Cochran.
- [Boy] Troy "Cock ring."
- Troy gives good head.
- Fuck you.
- I'll always remember...
- Seniors!
- [Yells]
- the senior prank.
Seniors! Seniors! Seniors!
[Pop, Air Hissing]
#[Dance Rock]
#[Continues]
#[Continues]
#[Ends]
[Boy # ] Matthew Kidman.
I will always remember...
[Chattering]
Yeah, well, I told her
I wanted to try out.
[Man] We'd like to honor
a student who has shown
outstanding leadership.
We have no doubt
that someday...
he will be one of the great politicians
in Washington.
The award for the brightest
leader of tomorrow...
Matthew Kidman.
- I'm in! I'm in!
- Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Georgetown's taking you?
#[Alternative Ballad]
[Ticking]
[Laughing]
#[Ends]
[Bell Ringing]
- [Sighs]
- [Boy] Hey, Jenny.
- Do you have the fever?
- No.
Why? Do you?
I don't know. Maybe.
How about you?
I just gotta fuck somethin'.
I said everybody say "ho"!
Ho!
You know what I say?
I say this prom is gonna be off the hook.!
Do you feel me?
Yeah!
Security's gonna be tight.
Get wasted before you show up. Yeah!
That's enough.
That's enough.
I can wait.
I can wait, people.
Now, here's your
student council president...
who has a few
announcements to make.
Thanks, Mr. Salinger.
- All right. How you doin'?
- [Scattered Clapping]
Okay, uh, let's start off
with Operation Get Samnang.
Samnang, baby!
- [Cheering]
- Yeah.
Uh, well, we did it.
Uh, we raised the $ .
So now we can bring the genius
Samnang out of Cambodia...
and bring him here
to study at Westport.
Speaking of which, um,
Samnang sent us a new tape.
Show that shit!
- [Cheering]
- Show it.!
Hi, everyone.
It's Samnang.
Yeah!
Samnang!
I'm very excited
to be coming soon.
- Are you excited?
- Yeah!
I told my class that I'm coming to America.
They were sad.
- But I am so happy.
- [Boy] I want to bang you!
- Go, Cougars!
- Yeah!
[Boy] How do they skip class
every day and go to the beach?
Because they just don't care.
Let's go with 'em.
- Seriously. Let's just do it.
- Why?
Because, I mean,
we never do anything.
I mean, we're graduating.
We should be going nuts right now.
- Let's just do something.
- I am doing something. I'm going to class.
Klitz, you already got into Yale.
I mean, it doesn't matter anymore.
- Yeah, Klitz, you pussy.
- Well, why don't you go?
- Yeah, come on. Let's go.
- Beach is for fags, Matt.
- The beach is for fags?
- Yeah.
You know what?
You guys are fags.
[Yelling]
Everyone to the beach!
Let's go.!
Lock 'em and load 'em, dude.
Fuck it.
[Engine Starts]
[Hooting, Cheering]
[Man On Stereo]
Personal power.
Personal power means
the ability to act...
the ability to take action.
There are three steps
to personal power...
that are necessary
to produce the results.
And here's number one step
to personal power.
It's called energy. Energy.
When you wake up
feeling truly lethargic...
[Yelling]
Oh, shit.
- [Siren Wailing]
- F...
Hey.! Pull it over.!
Pull it over.! Pull over.!
[Gasps]
[Woman]
Oh, you're home early.
Yeah, I postponed yearbook.
I gotta work on my speech.
Hi, Mr. Peterson.
- Mr. President.
- Mrs. Peterson.
- Congratulations.
- Oh, thank you.
Congratulations. Georgetown. Wow.
You must be flyin'
Yeah, it's pretty cool.
What's the speech
you're working on?
It's for this scholarship I need to get
so I can actually go to Georgetown.
It's, um...
It's pretty expensive.
Yeah, what kind of scholarship is it?
I mean, what do they give it for?
It's for the student who best demonstrates,
um, moral fiber.
Ah, moral fiber.
Well, that's...
- [Mrs. Peterson] Oh, I'm sure you'll get it.
- Thanks. I hope so.
There's some stiff competition,
and they only pick one of us.
So I'll just, uh, have to blow them away
with my speech.
Okay. So, why do I deserve
this scholarship?
Well, John F. Kennedy
once said...
"Ask not what your country
can do for you...
but what you can do for..."
#[Alternative]
- #[Ends]
- [Matthew]
Look, I don't know who she is.
I'm just saying that
this girl was unbelievable.
I mean, she was
like this angel.
I mean, she had this smile.
I mean, you should have seen it.
- So, did you bang her?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah. I banged her.
- That's what a man does. Okay?
- Yeah. Okay, Eli.
Good.
Whoa.
Oh, my God.
She's so hot.
- What channel, dude?
- No. The... The girl next door.
- I can see her through my window.
- How's the rack?
God, who is this girl?
- How's the rack?
- Hold on. Relax.
No, dude. You relax.
Be a man and go over there.
[Matthew]
Okay. Say what?
I don't know. Get off your ass
and do something. Fuck!
[Moaning]
- Hey, what are you doing?
- What?
Hey, dude, seriously,
I told you. It really freaks me out...
- when you watch that
while you're talking to me.
- Shh.
Just learn to like it.
Oh, my God.
What? Matt, what?
- Matt.
- [Phone Beeps Off]
- [Rings, Beeps On]
- Dude, what the fuck?
[Beeps Off]
Shit.
[Front Door Opens]
[Footsteps Approaching
On Sidewalk]
[Doorbell Rings]
- [Mrs. Kidman] Yes?
- [Woman] I'm sorry.
[Continues, Indistinct]
- Dan.
- [Mr. Kidman] What's going on?
[Mr. Kidman]
Matthew.
Matthew, come down here.
What are you doing up there?
- Nothin'.
- Come down here.
[Mrs. Kidman]
This is Danielle.
You know Mrs. Clark
from next door.
Well, Danielle's her niece.
Danielle just told us
something very interesting.
[Mrs. Kidman] Mrs. Clark is in Africa
for two weeks with her church group.
Did you know that?
- Um...
- Well, anyway, Danielle
just came in from Los Angeles...
and she's house-sitting
while her aunt's away.
Why don't you
show her around?
- Such a long road, you know.
- [Tires Screech]
Uh, what are we doing?
- Did you like what you saw?
- What are you talking about?
- Okay. I saw... I saw you for, like, an instant.
- An instant?
Yeah. It was... It was no...
It was no big deal.
No, no. It... It was...
It was a...
It was a big deal,
but it's just that...
I didn't...
I'm... I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
So, what are we gonna do
about this?
Uh, I mean, l... I said...
I said I was sorry.
- What?
- You saw me.
Yeah, right. Like I'm gonna strip
right here.
Are you... Are you serious?
No.
Uh, no.
No. Never gonna happen.
Uh-uh.
The whole package.
- No, come on. This is good enough.
- [Horn Blares]
Jesus! Come on.
Will you relax?
- [Chuckles]
- Frickin' psycho.
There. You happy now?
[Tires Squeal]
- Yep.
- Hey!
Wait!
No!
Jesus. Sorry.
#[Alternative]
- [Chuckles]
- You're an asshole. It's not funny.
- It's a little funny.
- #[Ends]
- [Laughing]
- Come on.
Let me in. Let me in.
- [Chuckling]
- It's not funny.
It's a little funny.
#[Rock]
#[Ends]
So, what else do you do
besides torture people?
- Seriously. What's your story?
- I don't know.
I kind of just quit my job.
I want to start over,
maybe go to college.
So, uh, are...
are you here alone or...
What? What?
Just ask.
[Chuckles Nervously]
Do you have a... a boyfriend?
No.
Aren't you gonna ask me
if I have a girlfriend?
- No.
- Okay.
So, you're about to graduate.
You must be going nuts right now.
Yeah. I mean, uh...
it's just been, uh...
been off the hook, you know.
- Really?
- Yeah.
So, what's the craziest thing
you've done lately?
Oh, I mean, it's...
it's hard to tell, you know...
because we've... I've just
done so much nuts stuff.
I mean, it's just off the hook,
off the walls. I mean...
You haven't done anything,
have you?
No.
It's kind of... It's kind ofbeen
my problem lately.
Come on.
There's gotta be something.
What about your girlfriend?
Okay. We can figure this out.
You just... You need a girl.
What kind of girl?
Definitely someone cute.
- Definitely.
- [Chuckles]
Someone who can
make him laugh.
[Laughs]
But he also needs
someone who's gonna push him.
Someone who's gonna
make him do things...
he never thought
he could do.
Like stripping
in the middle of the street?
- Well, thanks for the ride.
- No problem.
Well, um,
good night.
Good night.
- Good night.
- "Good night"?
What are you, gay?
I would have nailed her.
- First of all, you wouldn't have nailed her.
- Whatever, dude.
And, you know, secondly, you know,
the vibe was not right.
The vibe wasn't right?
Dude, she comes to your house,
and she makes you strip.
What does she have to do?
Sit on your face?
- Ow.
- Come on, bitch.!
- [Groans]
- Damn.
- Should have kissed her.
- You okay? Dude?
All right. You all have
this graph, correct?
Good. Let's move along then.
Now, it's a very simple
equation here.
Can anybody give me
the answer to this?
All right. If no one knows
the answer to this...
Questions on this?
#[Alternative]
- [Tires Squeal]
- [Danielle Squeals]
[Laughing] Whoo!
- #[Continues]
- Yeah!
Good news, ladies and gentlemen.
Pop quiz time.
#[Continues]
- #[Ends]
- [No Audible Dialogue]
That's Samnang Sok.
He's this complete genius.
So we raised all this money for him
to come here and study at our school.
Who's we?
Well, I mean,
l... I did, but...
but, you know, he could be
the next Einstein, you know.
You know,
he could cure cancer.
Let's go.
- So, what do you want to do?
- [Chuckles]
What?
- I'm not stripping again.
- [Chuckles] Come on.
[Whispers]
Danielle.
Come on.
Where are you going?
Hey, come on.
Let's get out ofhere.
How do you know
no one's home?
- I don't.
- Come on.
Seriously. This is nuts.
[Splash]
- Ooh, boxers.
- I always wear boxers.
You just caught me
on a weird day.
[Giggling]
So...
what's the craziest thing
you've done lately?
Uh, this is right up there.
Oh, my God.
- Uh-oh.
- That's...
- That's Mr. Salinger.
- Who?
That's... That's my principal.
Seriously. Let's go.
- It's not funny.
- It's a little funny.
Hey. Hey.
Just go with it.
[Matthew Laughing]
Go, go.
[Man And Woman Moaning On TV]
- Dude, I'm kind of uncomfortable
watching this with you.
- Shh.
Dude, learn to like it.
[Doorbell Rings]
I'm all wet.
Can I come in?
Uh... Uh...
[Laughing]
Hey, guys.
Uh, this is Danielle.
You must be Eli
and Klitz. Right.
Hey, come on.
We're... We're all goin' out.
- Can I use your bathroom first?
- Oh, uh, it's... it's over here to the left.
[Chuckles]
- Dude.
- I know.
- Dude.
- I know.
#[Rap Rock]
- #[Continues]
- [All Yelling]
- Dude, what are we doing here?
- Yeah, I know.
Guys, seriously, it's gonna get broken up,
like, any second now, right?
Guys?
- [Glass Shatters]
- Hey, relax!
- Chill out!
- #[Continues]
- Fuck off.
- Sorry.
- #[Ends]
- Go.
- So, what do you want to do?
- Let's just chill.
Hi, guys.
Hey. Is this your party?
No, it's a friend of mine's.
- I'm Hunter.
- Danielle. This is Matthew.
- Hey, man. What's up?
- What's up?
Can I get you guys
something to drink?
- Yeah.
- Hey, man. What's up?
- Can you come here for a second?
- Yeah.
- Oh, no, it's cool. They're pals.
- Oh.
- What's up?
- Yeah, man, this party's gettin' kind of full, bro.
- Yeah. So?
- So you're gonna have to take off.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Okay, but, um...
- I'm... I'm with her.
- Oh, it's cool, dude. She's taken care of.
There's the door.
Drink it!
[Boy]
Kevin's here.!
Yo, man.
When's Samsung gettin' here?
- Samnang.
- Yeah.
Whoo.! I love him.
Dude, I'm gonna do that little guy
when he gets here.
Hard.
- Cool, dude. I'm sure he'll like that.
- Whoo! Samnang!
Excuse me.
- Dude.
- I know.
#[Ballad]
#[Ends]
#[Rock]
#[Rock]
#[Ends]
What's up?
- What?
- You're coming with me right now.
Everybody out.
Let's move.
[Growls]
I said out, minions!
- Shit.
- Move.! Move.! Faster, you little maggots.
- So how's everything going?
- Fine.
Is everything, you know,
okay at home?
All right. What?
Perhaps you should
have a seat.
- Perhaps you should bite me.
- Perhaps.
Matthew...
we live in a crazy,
mixed-up world.
Crazy,
but, oh, so beautiful.
[Yelling]
Ooh, excellent, grasshopper.
And now for the final task
of your training.
You're gonna need a harder piece
of wood than that, cowboy.
- That's not her.
- Yeah, it is.
Oh!
- [Moaning]
- Oh, no.
Oh, yeah.
[Moaning]
Matt, Matt. Dude, you're missin'
the best part.
Matt. Dude.! Matt.
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.
Settle down, tiger.
- I know. I know.
- It's not funny. Seriously, get away from me.
- Dude, don't mess this up.
- Mess what up?
Matt, she's
a porn star, okay?
Take her to a motel room
and bang her like a beast.
- Eli, I like this girl.
- And you can still like her
with your penis inside her.
- [Scoffs]
- [Girl Groans]
Matt, I'm telling you, you're gonna
regret this. What would J.F.K. do?
You know
he'd tap that ass.
- Eli, I'm never gonna see her again.
- You know what? Fine.
- Fine.
- Fine!
Goddamn it, Matt.
I swear to God...
if you don't fuck her,
I'll kill myself!
Matt, please, please, Matt!
Fuck her for me!
For me!
[Laughing]
- Oh, Marci, you're so funny.
- Oh, thanks.
- [Laughing]
- I just saw you naked.
- What?
- Oh, don't worry, honey.
You were only two days old.
- Let's see what else we have.
- What are you doin' here?
- I just came here to say hi.
- Hi.
Oh, look at this one of him.
[Moaning]
Hey, buddy.
- What?
- [Danielle] That one's the best.
That's such a good one.
- Here you go, Danielle.
- Oh, thanks.
[Zipper Unzips]
Mmm.
- Thatta girl.
- This is a cute one.
[Mr. Kidman]
Ohh, who's your daddy.
So, you were going to school
in Los Angeles?
For a while. Uh, but then I started
working on other things.
Oh. What kind of things?
Let me show you.
[Whimpering]
- Jesus!
- [Yelps]
- Are you okay?
- Yeah. I don't know. I, um...
I don't feel so good.
Oh.
What can I do
to make you feel better?
[Danielle's Voice Moaning]
Oh, yeah.
- [Moaning]
- [Matthew Moaning]
I think I'm feeling
a lot better now.
- Really? We can go out another night.
- No, we're going out tonight.
- Are you sure?
- Positive.
- Look, I don't know if I can do this.
- Yes, you can.
For tonight,
be the man.
First off, act like
you don't even like her.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Second, get her drunk...
really drunk, okay?
That way the true porn star
will come out in her.
Here. I, um...
I got us something.
Bourbon?
[Laughs]
- Are you trying to get me drunk?
- No. What?
- I thought you liked to rock.
- Like to rock?
[Eli]
Last and most important...
always be touching her, man.
That tells her you came here
to get down tonight.
[Chuckles]
What are we doing?
Just chillin'.
Oh. Hey, look.
Um, may... maybe, uh,
we should, um...
get a room.
Okay.
Here it is.
[Beeps]
Wow.
This is, uh...
This is really nice. Uh...
TV, air conditioner.
Got a little lamp there.
Is that a Monet?
What...
What are you thinkin'?
What are you thinking?
I don't know.
Do you want to fuck me?
Um...
Come here.
How do you want me?
Why are you doing this?
What?
This.
Isn't this what you want?
To fuck a porn star
in a cheap motel room?
So this is what
you think of me.
- Danielle, wait. I'm sorry.
- Let me guess.
Someone showed you a tape,
and you thought, "What the hell.
She does it for a living."
- Right?
- Eli told me to do it.
Oh, now that's
a mature response.
- Why didn't you just tell me?
- Because I didn't want to, okay?
Because I loved the way
you looked at me.
God, do you have
any idea how...
Forget it.
- Hold on.
- Fuck you.
[Sighs]
#[Soft Rock]
You're done.
#[Continues]
- #[Ends]
- Look, I'm... I'm an idiot, okay?
I saw the tape,
and I freaked out.
Hi. I'm comin' in.
Can... Can I come in?
Look, l...
I've just been crazy lately.
I mean, this... the whole scholarship thing,
you know?
I mean, it's...
it's killing me, you know?
But I'm not... I'm not even
thinking about that.
The only thing
I care about is you.
You know? All I want is for us
to go back to normal again.
It's a real nice place
you got here, "D."
I, um...
#[Heavy Metal]
#[Ends]
Can we...
- talk about this later?
- Yeah.
Sure.
[Door Opens]
I liked that.
- What?
- What you said in there.
Thanks.
- Kelly.
- Oh. Matthew.
Mm-hmm.
- So you're friends with "D," huh?
- Yeah.
Well, we're, um...
We're kind of going out.
[Kelly]
Look at you.
You are a forest fire.
- Are we going?
- Yeah.
- You comin' with us?
- Where you goin'?
He can't.
He's got school tomorrow.
No, no. I'm cool.
Like, where are we goin'?
#[Heavy Metal]
- #[Ends]
- What can I get for ya?
Two Scotch rocks and, uh...
Make it three. Actually, I'll have, uh...
a Long Island iced tea.
So, what grade are you in, man?
I'm a senior, but, uh,
I'm about to graduate.
Congratulations.
What's next?
Georgetown, hopefully.
Matthew wants to be
president.
Really?
That's great, man.
Yeah. How do...
How do you two know each other?
How do we know each other?
We used to work together.
So you're, like...
like, an actor?
Hmm? No.
Strictly producer.
But "D" and I also used to go out.
Excuse me a sec.
So you guys went out?
Thank you.
- Look, can we just talk?
- Talk.
I don't know
if this is really the place.
- Why? What's wrong with it?
- Oh, nothing.
It's... It's fine.
- It's one of my favorites.
- [Sighs]
- #[Alternative]
- Hey. You got one for me?
#[Continues]
- What are you doing?
- What?
Here.
You turn it like so.
Hey, where you goin'?
The bathroom.
Is that okay?
Yeah.
## [Continues]
So you're really
into her, huh?
Hey. I get it, man. Believe me.
She's gorgeous.
I just think you'd want
someone more your age.
- She is my age.
- Yeah. I meant...
experience-wise.
No offense.
Don't worry about it.
I'm gonna take care of you.
Oh, my God.
That's Mr. Peterson.
That's my dad's friend. He comes over
to dinner all the time with his wife.
Really?
Hey, Peterson.
Dude, what are you...
What are you doing, man?
Yeah, you.
Get over here.
Goddamn, Peterson.
Haven't seen your black ass in ages.
l... l...
Do I know you?
- What the fuck's your problem?
- l... Uh...
Just fuckin'
with you, man.
Hey. You know my friend
Matty here, right?
- #[Ends]
- Matthew. Hi.
Peterson, this is
Matty's first time.
Why don't you
buy him a dance?
#[Hip-hop]
So, did you hear
about that scholarship yet?
Uh, no. The big
dinner's on Thursday.
Uh-huh.
[Sighs]
So, uh,
what's it for again?
The scholarship.
[Clears Throat]
It's for, uh,
moral fiber.
#[Ends]
So, who is this guy?
He's, like, a porn producer?
Klitz, shut up.
Now, the strippers.
When you were getting a lap dance,
were they cool with you grabbing their ass...
Dude, oh, my... oh, my God.
I'm trying to talk about Danielle.
Fine. Selfish bitch.
[Man On Film] For teenagers,
sexual intercourse can be dangerous.
Jesus, what hack made this?
I could make a better
sex ed film with my mom.
Why don't they
update this thing?
Special events,
such as your senior prom...
place added pressure
on young teens to lose their virginity...
and also engage
in unprotected sex.
[Phone Rings]
- Hello.
- Hey, Bob.
We're all going to the creek tonight.
It's gonna be a gas.
- You're comin', right?
- I can't, guys.
I have a baby now.
Because of prom.
[Girls Laughing]
What?
Yeah, right.
[Kelly]
You guys ever thought about it?
No.
I just think you guys would be really hot.
You girls are right?
- I am.
- I will be in a month.
- Really? You ever been photographed?
- Yeah. A couple of times.
Hey, you guys
know Matty?
I hung with him last night.
Guy's the tits.
- There's my man.
- How you doin'?
- [Groans]
- [Kelly] What's up, fellas?
Matty...
you didn't tell me you got some
serious burners at your school here.
- [Laughing] Shut up.
- Don't say that.
Hey, you know who's got
the killer bud?
This fucker right here.
- [Chuckles]
- What are you talking about?
- Yeah, come on.
- Yeah. You have some?
- Uh...
- Yeah. Come on.
- Holy shit!
- You guys should party.
- Can l...
- All right. We're out.
- Uh, hold on a sec.
- Hey. Where you going?
- Got things to do, ladies.
- [Girl] So, you wanna hang out?
- Hop in, fellas.
- Aren't you gonna photograph us?
- Always leave 'em wantin' more.
- [Boy] Watch it.!
- [Tires Squealing]
- [Boy Cackling]
[Kelly]
Man, there is some talent here.
You get those girls together
with those ass-bags right there...
shoot 'em humping at, like,
a football game or at a prom...
that video would sell.
Fuck, I'm good!
How do I get these ideas?
It's like a gift,
you know.
It's like
I can't control it.
So, what are we doin', men?
Right. I need to transfer that.
You know, you really didn't
have to come with me.
Ah, it's cool.
I like runnin' errands.
So you raised G's just to
bring this Chinese guy over.
He's Cambodian.
Okay, so that's
total...
deposited into the Operation
Get Samnang account.
Hey, so you raised
all the money you needed.
- Congratulations.
- Thanks.
So, is this Samnang
really as smart as they say?
Well, he did teach himself calculus
without even using his textbook.
- So...
- [Woman] Wow.
Those crazy little fuckers, man.
They sure know their numbers.
Uh, Jeannie, this is my, um...
This is my student adviser.
Oh. You're Mr. Salinger?
Just here to make sure
everything's up to par. Wow.
- What?
- I love those earrings.
- Oh, thank you.
- They really complement your coloring.
Thanks. I just
got back from Cabo.
- Did you?
- Yeah.
Okay. Well, uh, we gotta go.
Thanks, Jeannie.
- Man, what were you doing?
- [Jeannie] Yeah.
There's a bar under there,
sit with other people.
- You have been there. See? I knew.
- No. No.
- [Jeannie] I could show you around.
- This guy's unbelievable.
- [Laughing]
- You.
- Where you guys goin'?
- Vegas, baby.
We got the convention.
Gotta press the flesh, meet the fans.
So that's it?
You're just goin' back?
I don't belong here.
What do you... What do you mean?
What about starting over?
This is what I am.
All right, "D."
Let's roll.
[Engine Starts]
[Sighs]
Dude, it's not your fault.
No, it is my fault.
If I hadn't been such a dick
and taken her to that motel room...
Yeah, that was a little forward,
don't you think?
- Dude.
- What?
Matt, the point is
she made her decision.
There's nothin'
you can do about it now.
Yeah, there is.
- Hey, hey, Dad.
- Mom, don't wait up.
- I'm gonna be late.
- I'll watch it with you tomorrow.
- Shark Week is all week long.
- God, I just wanna bang hot chicks.
#[Techno]
#[Ends]
[Crowd Cheering]
- #[Hip-hop]
- #[Man Rapping, Indistinct]
#[Rap Rock]
#[Continues]
- [Man] Move it.
- Sorry.
Big smile.
[Mouths Word]
#[Continues]
- Yo, man, no press!
- No, no, no. I'm not... I'm not press.
I'm still in high school, okay?
This is for my high school video yearbook.
I swear to God.
- #[Ends]
- That's right, bitch.
- [Chattering]
- [Man] Athena.!
Jesus, is that her?
[Man]
Come on. Come on.
Give me a second, guys.
[Man]
Athena.! Athena.!
- Danielle.
- Athena.! Athena.!
Danielle.
Athena, right here.
Keep working it, Athena.
You are so hot, Athena.!
- [Matthew] Look, I'm sorry.
l... I had to come.
- Asshole, I'm next.
I feel like
this is all my fault.
[Man]
Who is this guy?
Will you at least
look at me?
You're the best thing
that ever happened to me, okay?
- [Man] Me too.!
- Danielle.
[April]
He's so sweet.
- [Crowd Groans]
- Danielle.
Nice job, dickwad.
- Danielle.
- Hey, man. Get me out of this thing.
- Take me with you, dude.
- Danielle.
Just leave me alone,
please.
[Man]
Danielle.
Danielle, Danielle, Danielle.
- Hugo, hi.
- Look at you.
You look fantastic.
[Sighs]Just starting out
and everyone knows your name.
- [Chuckles] No, they don't.
- So how's Kelly treating you?
- Okay.
- Just okay?
Danielle,
what do we know? Hmm?
- Uh...
- What do we know?
We know that you should
be with me.
At the top
where the air is crisp.
- Nice tan.
- Kelly, what do we say?
Fuck you.
[Laughs]
Always with the big words.
Danielle,
where the air is crisp.
- What does that mean?
- Nothing. He's just being Hugo.
Matty.
What are you doing here?
Um, look, Kelly,
no offense...
but I really don't think
Danielle wants to be here right now.
Matthew, please just
go home, okay?
Hey, "D." "D."
I'm sorry, man. Come on.
Let's get out ofhere.
What's up?
- It's not cute anymore.
- What?
Stop filling her head with that...
Do not piss me off!
Hey, I thought
we were friends.
Friends don't fuck with
each other's business.
And that's what this is...
my fuckin' business.
[Panting]
What?
What are you gonna do?
Yeah, that's what I thought.
Stay the fuck away from her.
[Door Opens]
[Door Closes]
Matt, seriously, man,
it's : in the morning.
Hey, what about your thing tomorrow?
The scholarship dinner?
Sorry, I gotta do this.
#[Club]
Oh, by the way, if things get bad,
just bolt, okay?
- What? What do you mean
"things get bad"?
- Just bolt.
Wait, wait.
What's he talking about?
[Chattering]
[Slurping]
- Hi.
- [Scoffs]
[Chuckles]
Dude, am I ugly?
What?
No. No, man.
You're fine.
- Just... Just relax.
- No, I'm ugly. I know it.
So, what do you guys do?
- I get freaky.
- [Eli Chuckles Nervously]
Uh... Uh...
Uh... Uh, we're directors.
Really? Would you guys
ever want to use me
in one of your movies?
Uh...
Hell, yeah, we'll use you.
Baby, I'll do things to you
I wouldn't do to a farm animal.
- What the fuck did you just say?
- Honey...
these guys are directors
and they want to use me.
- "Use you"?
- Guys, this is my boyfriend... Mule.
Uh, hi, Mule.
- Let's do it.
- #[Ends]
Man, you gotta use my girl, bro.
She's so good.
I am.
I really am.
- Do you want to give her a throw?
- [Gulps]
- Yeah. Try me out.
- No, you know. No.
I'm okay though. Thank you.
Well, come on.
At least feel her tits.
Uh, I'm okay. l... I can't.
Thank you though.
Fuck it. I'll feel one.
[Moaning Softly]
We're all set for tomorrow.
Athena will be there,
ready to shoot, right, babe?
- Not bad, huh? Suckers cost me six grand.
- [Moaning]
Yo, Mule.
What the hell are you doing?
Steel, check it out, man.
- These guys are directors.
- [Laughs]
Man, these punks
ain't directors.
They're in high school, you idiot.
[Laughing]
Okay, here's the thing...
[Yelps]
[Woman Screams]
[Yells]
Oh, shit!
- [Woman Screams]
- [Yelling]
- Come on, Klitz!
- Get off of this!
Whoa!
[Yelling]
#[Hip-hop]
- Matty, time to go. Time to go.
- What happened?
It got bad.
Bolt! Bolt!
- Dude, wait up.
- Fuck you, dude!
Excuse me.
I just want to let you know,
I know who you really are.
And you're better than this.
#[Alternative Ballad]
#[Ends]
[Sighs]
[Knocking On Door]
Yeah.
[Door Opens]
Need a ride to school?
[Matthew] It's all you now. I mean,
now you can do whatever you want.
Why do you
believe in me so much?
I don't know.
Maybe I'm stupid.
- [Chuckles]
- [Bell Ringing]
Good luck tonight.
Thanks.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Will you go
to prom with me?
What?
I would love to.
Now for the scientific
explanation. Anybody?
[Lecturing Continues]
That your speech?
Yeah.
You ready for tonight?
- Don't worry, man. You're gonna be great.
- I have to be.
That fuckin' bitch
can't just run away...
'cause she don't want
to fuck on film anymore!
- May I help you?
- [Snaps Fingers]
- Get up.
- Okay, okay.
Stay in school.
Look, I have the most important dinner
of my life tonight...
so wherever we're going,
we just have to be home by : .
Just so you know.
Here he comes.
- It's a cool ride, huh?
- Yeah, if you're a fag.
- Jesus!
- It's cool! It's cool!
Get in.
Where are we going?
I thought
you were cool, man.
I tried to be your friend,
and what do you do? You fuck me.
- I didn't fuck you.
- She didn't show up on set
today because of what you said.
Now I'm out grand.
Guess who's paying me back.
What? I don't have grand.
- Get your folks to help you out.
- They don't have that kind of money.
Look, Kelly,
I'm a problem solver, all right?
This is what I do. Okay?
Let's just... Let's just think
outside of the box here.
Look, she'll get a job,
I'll keep mowing lawns.
Over time, we'll pay it down.
You know? This can work.
We can do this.
It'll be like a payment plan.
You really care
about her, huh?
- Yeah, I really do.
- I don't know.
If I'm gonna do
this payment plan thing...
I need a show
of good faith, you know?
- Something concrete.
- Well, like what?
A blow job.
Nah, I told you.
She's not gonna do that anymore.
Who said anything
about her?
Yeah. We're definitely
outside the box now, huh?
Now you gotta
ask yourself...
how far are you
willing to go, hmm?
How much do you
really care about her?
[Zipper Unzips]
I'm joking, man!
[Laughing]
Relax.
- Damn! Do I look gay to you?
- No, but, geez...
You wanna be president...
let me tell you
the first rule of politics:
Always know if the juice
is worth the squeeze.
You know
what that means?
It means you don't steal my girl
unless you're ready to accept
the consequences.
All right.
I'm sorry, okay?
That's gonna swell up
like a bitch. Here, take these.
I'm telling you,
it's gonna hurt like shit.
I'm sorry I got upset.
I just... I felt
taken advantage of.
Look, I'm not gonna be a dick.
I know she loves you.
I'm gonna leave
you guys alone.
But now you're doing
something for me.
Remember that ass-bag Hugo
from the convention?
We used to be partners
a long time ago.
One day, I had
this killer idea...
to make films set in
real-life situations.
You know,
Real World porn.
I tell the idea to Hugo.
He says he'll think about it.
And what does that
motherfucker do?
Takes my best girls,
starts his own company with my idea...
and the guy
makes millions.
It's not the money that pisses me off.
I mean, yeah, fuck...
it does piss me off,
but that's not it.
It's the perception.
Everybody thinks Hugo's the genius.
It was my idea. It's like he's Simon
and I'm Garfunkel.
Look at me, man.
I'm fuckin' Garfunkel.
Look, seriously.
I can't do this.
Don't be a pussy.
Nobody's home.
- Why do you want this thing so bad?
- Because. It should've been mine.
- I'm just gonna grab it and leave.
- You don't understand.
I have to be at a dinner in an hour.
My whole life depends on it.
- You want me out of Danielle's life?
- Yes, I do.
- Then let's go.
- But wait. Seriously...
Sometimes in life,
if you want to do something good,
you gotta do something bad.
Yeah, but this is
breaking and entering.
This is politics.
Hey, after this,
we're cool, okay?
You're all right, man.
## [Humming]
[Beeping]
Yes. I'd like to report
a robbery.
Bang me!
[Squawks]
Cradle the balls.!
[Whistles]
- [Shouts]
- [Squawking]
[Screams]
Help me!
Help! Ah, fuck!
Wait! Come on!
[Sirens Wailing]
Okay, so what time
does the dinner start?
: . Why?
What time is it now?
- : .
- Oh, my God!
Don't worry.
We'll get there. Just try and...
Dude, what are you doing?
I don't know. I just...
I feel so good.
[Laughing]
Oh, my God.
l... I just feel
so weird.
Shh. Don't worry.
Ecstasy is not that bad.
- [Both] What?
- Kelly likes dosing people with "E."
Oh, my God.
Am I gonna die?
No, no. It's okay, Matt.
You're gonna be fine, I promise.
You're such a good friend,
Klitzy. I love you.
I love you so much.
[Laughs]
This is gonna be amazing!
- [Distant Applause]
- Wait a second.
- Oh, my God.
- [Applause Continues]
[Groans]
You don't understand.
It's really
kicking in right now.
Just try not to talk
so much, okay?
Talk so much?
I'm giving a speech.
- It's okay. Just go with it.
- Wait, wait, wait!
In a few minutes, we'll begin
the speeches, and we hope...
Thank you again for coming
to what promises to be
a very eventful evening.
[Applause]
Matthew Kidman.
- [Grunts]
- [Dishes Clattering]
[Matthew] Ah, my competition.!
Hey, what's up, Ryan?
Jesus! What happened to you?
Just living life, my man.
Mina, how are you?
Okay.
Just a little nervous.
Oh, but you're a little
temptress though, aren't you?
Hey, buddy,
how you doing?
Hey, thanks a lot,
thanks a lot.
- [Snaps Fingers]
- Huh? Huh?
#[Soul]
#[Ends]
Hey, there's
the big daddy, huh?
Matthew, what has been
going on with you?
Some serious shit.
But, Jesus, man,
it's good to see you!
Will you excuse us,
please?
Oh, my God.
Am I blowing it?
Just try and control yourself.
Just breathe, okay?
All right.
[Inhales]
I've learned a lot
from my teachers...
but my best teacher
has always been my mother...
a woman who worked threejobs
trying to support me...
ever since
I was a little niņa.
I will never forget
the day she said to me...
"Si trabajas duro,
todo es posible."
And that is why I have always
tried to answer the call
of the greatJohn F. Kennedy...
who urged us to ask not
what your country...
[Matthew Guffaws]
- [Laughing]
- [People Shushing]
Let's see here.
I can't speak a foreign language,
so that's out.
And I certainly can't quote
J.F.K. now, can I, Ryan?
You know, it's funny.
I have this whole speech prepared...
and I've been practicing
for weeks, but you know what?
I'm just gonna go with it.
Moral fiber.
So what is moral fiber?
I mean, it's funny.
I used to think it was always telling
the truth, doing good deeds...
you know, basically being
a fucking Boy Scout.
- [People Gasping]
- But lately I've been seeing it differently.
Now I think that moral fiber
is about finding that one thing
you really care about.
That one special thing
that means more to you than
anything else in the world.
And when you find her,
you fight for her.
You risk it all.
You put her
in front of everything...
your future, your life...
all of it.
And maybe the stuff you do
to help her isn't so clean.
You know what?
It doesn't matter.
Because in your heart,
you know...
that the juice
is worth the squeeze.
That's what
moral fiber's all about.
[Applause]
First, I'd just like
to commend the candidates...
on their impressive remarks.
This year was
a very tough decision.
And as much as we'd love
to give you all scholarships, we can't.
And so, I am proud
to announce...
the winner of this year's
Sheridan Scholarship...
Ryan Winger.
[Cheering]
[Bell Dings]
Oh, God, what happened?
Yeah, I slipped.
Listen, Jeannie,
Samnang's coming on Monday.
I know.
How exciting.
Yeah, so I'm gonna need
to close out the account.
- What do you mean?
- I mean I'm gonna need
to close out the account.
- But it's already closed.
- What are you talking about?
Your teacher came by yesterday,
and he cleared out the account.
- Who? What teacher?
- Your student adviser.
Mr. Salinger. The one
you were with the other day.
Mr. Salinger?
What are you...
- #[Southern Rock]
- [Chuckles]
#[Ends]
[Boy Whimpering]
Samnang,
what's wrong, my son?
That Matthew Kidman.
He fucked me, Mom.
He fucked me so bad!
Son of a bitch.
- Oh, my God.
- What's wrong?
Jeannie, didn't you
ask for I.D. or anything?
You said he was
your student adviser.
Oh, my God.
- Jeannie, where are you going?
- To get the manager.
- No, wait, wait.
- Matthew, what's going on?
Look...
that guy wasn't
my student adviser.
No. I know, I know.
I can get the money back.
We just need to keep this
between me and you for now, okay?
That's a great blouse.
Have you lost weight?
No? No, wait, wait!
Jeannie! Jeannie!
Jeannie, Jeannie, Jeannie.
You think about this.
This is your fault too.
You didn't ask for I.D.
You didn't do anything.
And I saw you flirting with him.
So unprofessional. You're gonna
lose your job over this.
Don't you threaten me,
you little shit!
I could give a fuck about you
and your little rice boy.
- I'm not getting fired over this!
- Okay, okay. I'm sorry.
Please. Just... No one can ever
find out about this.
If this gets out, I'll be expelled.
My life will be over.
If that money isn't back by Monday,
I wouldn't worry about being expelled.
I'd worry about
going to jail.
Jeannie.
- Hi, Jeannie.
- Hi, Martin.
[Panting]
[Mrs. Kidman's Voice]
Matthew, what's wrong?
[Mr. Kidman's Voice]
Matt, is there something
you want to talk about?
[Mrs. Kidman]
Matthew, honey, what is it?
- Hi.
- Come here.
I'm in so much trouble.
I can't believe
we're even thinking about this.
Well, if you need
that kind of money by Monday...
Yeah, but what are we doing?
I can't get you involved in this.
I want to do it.
Why?
Moral fiber.
- I'm in.
- You haven't heard the whole plan.
Ah! It doesn't matter.
Fuck film school.
This is gonna be huge.
This is gonna be
my calling card.
No.
- Klitzy.
- No way.
Klitz, you know I wouldn't ask for this
unless I really needed it.
Matt, believe me,
I want to help you, but... no.
- We'll get expelled.
- Klitz, shut up.
Do me a favor, okay?
Take a look at us.
Take a good look at us.
Do you know what we are,
the three of us?
What?
We're a fuckin' tripod.
- A tripod.
- Yeah. You know what that means?
That means if you kick out
one of our legs, then we all fall.
Come on, baby!
[Sighs]
Fuck.
I know it was you, Klitzy.
- Where is she?
- Oh, there they are. Hey!
- [Squealing]
- #[Soul]
- Hey.!
- Hi, Danielle.!
Hi!
Let's get our luggage. Yeah!
- All right?
- I'll be there in a minute.
#[Continues]
#[Ends]
So if I pull this off,
I get the grand on Sunday?
Kid, you pull this off,
I'll take care of your little Samsung.
- Samnang.
- Whatever.
Have a nice prom, kid.
All right, minions,
over here.
[Rings]
Relax, relax.
You know what?
Go wait in the car. Go.
#[Blues]
Jesus.
Gentlemen, these are your prom dates,
April and Ferrari.
Ladies, we have Eli and Klitz.
- Your name is Clits?
- With a "K."
[Eli] Okay, get a two-shot.
M-M-Minions.!
All right, guys, get closer.
Yeah, that's right. Show me the love.
Feel it, feel it.! Nice.
Eli, do those girls
go to your school?
Uh, actually, no,
Mrs. Kidman.
- They're porn stars.
- [Laughing]
Y-You look, uh...
You look really nice.
Thanks.
You really do, hon.
You look so beautiful.
Really? Oh, thanks.
#[Rap Rock]
#[Continues, Indistinct]
#[Fades Out]
#[Hip-hop]
- What are all these cameras for?
- They're for video yearbook.
#[Continues]
#[Ends]
#[Ends]
So what should we do?
Should we start setting up?
Yeah. We just gotta
keep this low-key, okay?
Okay.
What are you gonna do?
I'm gonna get
our actors.
Dude, make sure
they can act.
Yeah, all right.
Just get out of here, okay?
Hey, I got this
taken care of.
You just show this little lady
a good time tonight.
- [Giggles]
- Minions, let's move!
- So what are we doin'?
- Relax, relax.
Come on, play it cool,
play it cool.
Look.
They're coming to you.
Yo, Matt. What's up?
- What's up?
- Can we talk to you for a second?
Dude, I'm with my girl here.
- Oh.
- Sorry, man.
- Should we come back?
- [Danielle] No. I'll leave you guys alone.
[Clears Throat]
- What's up?
- What's up with those girls?
- What about 'em?
- Are they, like, uh...
- Are they porn stars?
- Yeah.
Shit!
I knew I recognized them.
I knew it.
- Can we meet 'em?
- Yeah.
How'd you boys like
to be in a movie?
- What are these?
- Your scripts.
Sign the release form
at the top.
Come on, you guys, wait up!
- Are these our actors?
- Just these two.
- What about me, dude?
- Oh, sorry, bro.
The party's all full.
Gentlemen.
As an artist, I want it to come
from a truthful place.
Holy shit.
- Ferrari, Ferrari, focus.
- Oh, okay.
- I can do this. Don't worry.
- Think Meryl Streep, Sophie's Choice.
#[Alternative]
- Hey.
- Hey.
- [Chuckling]
- #[Continues]
[Eli] Next location.!
Come on! Move!
Move, move, move! Let's go!
- #[Continues]
- Please! I gotta be in this!
Shut up. Take this.
- [Yells]
- Aw, come on!
Take the pain! Take the pain!
Get up! Come on!
May I have a word with you?
- What's up?
- I found this in the hallway.
Do you know what this is?
No. What is it?
Looks like a release form
for something.
Yeah, I...
don't know what it is.
Have a good night.
#[Continues]
You're strong,
you're firm...
but you
have a secret.
Show that to me.
#[Continues]
Thank you.
For what?
I never went to prom.
#[Continues]
#[Ends]
Excuse me, sir?
We have a problem.
- What's wrong?
- Derek didn't work out.
- What happened?
- Let's just say he wasn't strong or firm.
- Guys, I can't work like this!
- Okay, relax.
- We'll just get somebody else.
- There is nobody else.
- I thought everyone's dyin' to be in this.
- Not this scene.
All right.
This is the key scene.
If we don't get this,
Hugo's not gonna buy it.
Well, somebody's
gotta step up.
- Why you lookin' at me?
- Because you're doing it.
Whoa, Mr. l-just-want-to-
bang-hot-chicks.
Here's your first chance.
Klitz, I can't act
and direct.
- Oh, okay, fine. I'll direct.
- Oh, you're a director now.
- Yeah, I'm a director.
- Okay, Spielberg, what lens
are you gonna use?
[Arguing Continues]
I'll do it.
I'll do it.
You guys have been great,
but this is my mess. I'll clean it up.
Matt, Matt, your face is gonna be in this.
Think about that.
- Come here, baby.
- Uh, let's, uh...
Uh, picture's up, people.
- Are you ready, hon?
- Yeah. Okay, let's do this.
- And... action!
- [Door Opens]
What the hell is
going on in here?
- Nobody move!
- Ah, shit.
Who is in charge of this?
I asked you people
a question!
Who is in charge here?
Fuck it.
All right,
everybody take five.
- What's wrong?
- I can't do this.
- What happened?
- [Door Opens]
[Eli]
What are you gonna do?
I don't know.
It doesn't matter.
No. I'll do it.
- Klitz, it's cool.
- No, no. I'm doing it.
Why?
'Cause we're a fuckin' tripod.
[Eli] All right, here we go, people.
Picture's up.!
Listen, I know this is
unprofessional...
but I think
you're really cute.
- Yeah, right.
- I'm serious.
Really cute.
How we doing, Klitzy?
Fucking great, man.
Let's do this.
And action!
#[Rock]
#[Continues]
#[Ends]
See you, guys.
Good night, guys.
So, what's the craziest thing
you've done lately?
#[Ballad]
#[Continues]
#[Continues]
#[Ends]
[Cell Phone Ringing]
- Hello?
- We're dead.
- Eli?
- Dude, the tape's not here. I can't find it.
- What?
- Dude, I'm not kidding, okay?
I've looked everywhere, okay?
- All right, calm down.
- No, dude, you calm down! It's gone!
- What do you mean, it's gone?
- I mean it's frickin' gone!
Somebody stole it!
Jesus Christ!
Matthew,
could you come in here?
This is Mr. Simon.
He says he has something
very important to discuss with us.
Sit down.
Actually, if you don't mind...
may I have a word
with the boy alone first?
Sure.
So how was prom?
- That's mine.
- You know, we were fine.
But now you go and do this?
This was my idea.
Now I'm really gonna
fuck your shit up.
- I'm gonna need that back.
- Oh.
Take it from me.
Yeah.
What are you gonna do?
I don't have to do anything.
Hugo Posh will.
He's my partner on this.
Fifty-fifty.
So could I please
have my tape back?
Fuck y...
[Coughs]
Fuck you. I'm taking
your half then.
No. That money's
going to Samnang.
The money
you stole from him.
You say that like I care.
I don't give a shit.
You're giving me your half.
- And if I don't?
- Showtime.
Okay.
- Okay, what?
- Show 'em the tape.
I'm not fuckin' around.
I just don't care anymore.
This... is gonna be
interesting.
Dan, Marci, Mr. Salinger...
would you mindjoining me
in the living room for a second?
Great.
Matthew, is there anything you want
to say before we watch this?
Okay, then.
On with the show.
Hello. I'm April.
And I'm Ferrari.
You may recognize us as stars
of the adult entertainment industry...
and today we're taking time out to talk
about a very important subject.
- Sex.
- Sex.
Special events
such as senior prom...
place added pressure
on young teens...
to lose their virginity and
engage in unprotected sex.
I know I lost my virginity
at my senior prom.
When did you
lose yours, April?
- Um, when I was .
- Moving on!
In this video,
we'll go through everything...
from kissing to foreplay.
And for our finale, we'll show you
how to put a condom on properly...
using a real person.
No cucumbers or bananas
in this video.
So for those of you
naughty boys...
expecting to see
a raunchy porn video...
you might as well
turn this off now...
- because you're not gonna see sex.
- What the fuck is this shit?
You're gonna see
sex education.
## [Fanfare]
This is interesting,
Matthew.
Yeah. Yeah.
I think
it's a great idea.
Well, you remember those sex ed films
back in our day.
I'll tell ya, if they
were anything like this...
we sure would've paid more attention,
don't you think?
I think it's atrocious.
But... the hell with it.
The kids today are
so goddamn screwed up...
maybe this is the only way
you can reach them.
You just might have
something here, Matthew.
[Mrs. Kidman]
I think it's pretty wild.
This could really sell,
don't you think?
How'd you come up
with such an idea, Matthew?
What can I say?
It's like a gift, you know?
It's like I can't control it.
[Girl's Voice] Courtney Booth. I will
always remember late nights in cabby.
[Boy's Voice] Eric Zierdal.
I will always remember...
Kurt Kilgore.
I will always remember...
Joseph Croft. I will always remember
wrestling State...
[Matthew] Matthew Kidman.
I will always remember...
the three legs of the tripod...
I'm here with Hugo Posh, the producer of
Adult Education...
the hottest-selling
sex education video ever made...
being utilized in classrooms
across the globe.
Hugo, you're known primarily
as a hard-core pornographer, correct?
- [Matthew Narrating] my business partner...
- Let me break it down for you.
Hugo Posh isn't just tits.
He isn't just ass.
I mean, yes, he is those things,
but Hugo Posh is also heart.
What an ass-bag.
#[Classic Rock]
Fuckin' kid.
[Matthew]
my student adviser...
All right, people.!
Let's make some fuckie-fuckie.
[Barry Bloom] Now, Hugo, you and your
partner have made millions on this.
So who is
this silent partner?
[Hugo] Well, he prefers
to remain anonymous.
#[Continues]
You better
cure cancer, kid.
[Matthew]
the next Einstein...
All right, yeah,
next question.
- All right.
- Eli's calling card...
- How about you, buddy?
- Mr. Brooks, why did you
decide to skip film school?
- Don't you think you're a little young?
- Shut the fuck up!
Next question.!
Faster.!
I got the tape! I got the tape!
I got the tape!
For our finale, I will now
demonstrate the proper technique...
for putting a condom
on the real thing.
- Is my volunteer ready?
- Klitz's big debut...
- Shut up, shut up, shut up.
Here he is, here he is.
- [Continues]
[Gasps]
Jesus. Look at that guy.
He is huge.
[Continues]
my own scholarship to Georgetown...
and, of course,
I'll never forget...
the girl next door.
- [Continues]
- As for me...
I'm just goin'with it.