Voila! Finally, the Happy Gilmore
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Adam
Sandler. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Happy Gilmore. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
My name is Happy Gilmore.
Ever since I was old enough to skate,
I loved hockey.
I wasn't really
the greatest skater.
But that didn't keep my dad
from teaching me...
...the secret of making
a great slap shot.
My dad worshipped hockey.
My mom didn't.
So she moved to Egypt, where there's
not a hockey rink within miles.
Dad took ne to games
to see our favorite player...
...Terry O'ReiIIy,
''The Tasnanian DeviI''.
He wasn't a big guy,
but he feared nobody, just Like me.
Handsone feIIow, huh? He said
when I grew up, I could be anything.
But all I ever wanted to be
was a hockey player.
My childhood was going great,
but Life is fuII of surprises.
After the funeraI, I was sent to Live
with my grandma in Waterbury.
I was nervous,
since I didn't know her that well.
She dressed Like Gene Sinnons
from KISS to cheer ne up.
She's the sweetest person
in the world.
After my dad died,
I developed a short fuse.
That kid stoIe ny party bIower.
Instead of asking for it back,
I hit hin in the head repeatedIy...
with a hanner.
Most of the time, I was quick to say
I was sorry.
Years Iater, I played junior hockey
and still hold two Ieague records...
...nost time spent
in a penaIty box...
...and I was the onIy guy to ever try
to stab someone with his skates.
After I graduated, I had
a lot of different jobs.
I was a road worker...
...a janitor...
...a security guard...
...a gas station attendant...
...and a plunber.
Lately, I've been working
construction. It's not bad.
I知 a good shot
with a nall gun.
But one day ny boss, Mr. Larson,
got in the way.
ApparentIy, he aIso has a short fuse.
Look at the nonster.
He got in a few Lucky punches,
but I feeI I won the fight.
Anyway, those jobs
weren't for ne.
I was put on this planet
for one reason--to play hockey.
It's my puck, baby!
Don't you ever touch my puck!
Is that Gilmore again?
How nany times has he tried out?
At Least ten times.
He has a lot of intensity.
Not a strong skater, though.
Nor the best puck handIer.
But, ny God...
What a shot.
It that goal regulation size
or what?!
Number one...
...number fifty-two...number sixteen...
They saw my power.
They won't dog ne this year.
...number nine...
...and number forty-three.
The rest of you...
...better Luck next year.
Coach, what's going on?
What about ne?
Gilmore.
I called your number,
didn't I?
No, you didn't.
Well, better Luck next year.
That wasn't very nice!
You think you're better
than me?!
Where you going?
I got Subway.
I aIready ate.
I knew the guy working there,
so we got extra neatballs.
Great. I got to run.
Can you stay?
I had a rough day.
Bye.
-When will you be back?
-Never.
Terry, wait!
Wait! Hold on a second, babe.
You're not going for good,
are you?
You're going nowhere
and taking ne with you.
ALL you ever taIk about is being a pro
hockey player, but you're not any good.
I an good! You know what?
You're a Lousy kindergarten teacher!
I saw the finger paintings
you bring hone--they suck!
I知 sorry. I didn't mean that.
They're excellent finger paintings.
Please don't go.
I知 not spending the rest of ny Life
with a Loser.
I知 gone.
Good! Get the hell out of my Life!
Who needs you? Beat it!
I知 sorry.
I didn't mean that.
I just yell
'cause I get so scared.
Scared of being a nobody.
Why don't you cone back
upstairs, honey?
I'II give you the oId snoochy-snoo
kissy-wissy.
You know Happy
will make everything okay.
I want to kiss you all over
And over and again
I want to kiss you all over
Till the night cIoses in
Till the night cIoses in
Terry!
Sit tight.
I'II be right over.
Hey, you don't want breakfast?
Grandma?
Put that down!
It's my grandmother's!
Cut it out, kid.
We're just doing our job.
What are you talking about?
Your grandmother
hasn't paid taxes in years.
Grandma, you didn't pay
your taxes?
I would have,
but I didn't have any money.
Where are you taking her stuff?
I知 not taking her stuff,
the governement is.
It's not like I知 taking her stuff
over to my place.
Don't get nad at ne.
But she's an oId Lady.
Look at her. She's oId.
You can't just take her stuff.
She's too oId.
I知 sorry. I have no discretion.
Her stuff is now our stuff.
Well, at Least we got the house.
I'II bring furniture fron ny place.
We'II be okay.
Now you'II really be nad.
I知 taking the house, too.
My grandfather built this house
with his bare hands.
My Grandma's been here over years.
You can't take her house.
Mrs. Gilmore owes the IRS
$ in back taxes.
We have to take the house.
If you can't repay the money in
days, we seII the house to someone else.
You hate ne, don't you?
No, I don't hate you.
He hates ne.
Don't worry-
things will be okay.
Look at this place.
Sliver Acres Rest Hone.
It Looks more Like a country club.
Nice grass, nice people.
I hope you brought
your bathing suit.
You're going to make friends
in no time.
Mister!
Get ne out of here!!!
Here, eat that!
Leave us alone!
Grandma, you could cone
Live with ne.
Nonsense, dear.
You're a grown man.
I wouldn't burden you
Like that and that's finaI.
TeII ne, how is that nice girlfriend
of yours?
She got hit by a car.
She's dead.
Listen, I will get that $
and get your house back.
I promise.
Oh, sure.
In the meantime, just stay here
and have sone fun.
I will, dear. Don't worry.
Pardon ne,
but it's nap time.
Nap time--that sounds nice.
-You go.
-I Love you.
I Love you, too, darling.
Buddy, do ne a favor.
You see that Lady?
She's very important to ne.
I want you to take
extra special care of her.
You know what I mean?
I can't accept that.
But this is what I can do.
I can take extra special care
of that young Lady for nothing.
I appreciate that.
Have a nice afternoon.
Sir, could I trouble you for a gIass of
warn milk? It helps put ne to sleep.
You could trouble ne for a warn gIass
of shut the hell up.
Go to sleep
or I will put you to sleep.
Check out the name tag.
You're in my world now, Grandma.
Oh, dear.
Bet you I can hit a ball
past that tree.
Twenty bucks says you can't.
Morons, I toId you I want to watch
the hockey game.
Cut the golf sissy crap
and finish up.
Oh, relax.
You can enjoy your Grandma's
possessions for another haIf hour.
Oh, you got a hold of that one!
-You try it.
-It's not as easy as it Looks.
Sorry, Ladies.
I知 not the golfing type.
You hit a ball past ny ball...
...we'II finish work so you can watch
your hockey game.
Give ne the stupid club.
Look at this stupid thing.
This will be hilarious.
Look how he's standing.
You Like that?
HoIy shit.
Back to work.
That house is yards away.
Is that good?
-That's unbelievable.
-Beginner's Luck.
I bet $ you can't do it again.
Bring it on.
You boys are going to pay
for that--
-You hit hin!
-He shouldn't have been standing there.
One more time.
DoubIe or nothing.
You better pay up.
Oops. Maybe we should
get back inside.
You nade a bet.
Pay the nan.
Thanks. TeII your friends.
Step right up, foIks!
See if you can outdrive the amazing
Golf Ball, uh, Whacker Guy!
That's great.
Very good.
Bend your knees. Remember,
it's in the hips. You're doing great.
It's in the hips.
Fifty bucks I can hit it
over the highway.
That's real good.
So Long, sucker.
How often do you play?
This is ny first time.
You should play
in the Waterbury Open tomorrow.
Yeah, right, I'II see you there.
He's going to play.
And, by God,
he's going to win.
Mister, you need a helmet.
Don't worry about it.
Yeah, bring that shit on.
I Love it.
Awesone.
God, that hurt,
but I知 okay.
What the hell
are you doing?
Just more days till the next
hockey tryouts. I got to get tough.
God, that feIt good.
Cut that out.
You're making ne sick.
So you're a hockey player.
You got to give that up
and concentrate on golf.
Who are you?
I知 the club pro here--
Chubbs Peterson.
I知 offering to teach you
how to play golf, personally, for free.
No.
You don't know who I an,
do you?
No, I don't.
Back in ...
...Sports said I would be
the next ArnoId PaIner.
What happened?
I wasn't allowed
to play pro anymore.
I知 sorry.
Because you're bIack?
Hell, no.
An alligator bit ny hand off.
Oh, ny God!
Tournament in FIorida.
My ball went down by a Iake.
Dann alligator just popped up!
Cut ne down in my prime.
But I tore one of that bastard's eyes
out. Look at that.
You're pretty sick, Chubbs.
I've never seen anyone...
...who can hit the ball
haIf as far as you. You got real talent.
That's nice of you to say, but
I trained all my Life to play hockey.
Golf is no different--requires talent,
seIf-discipIine.
Golf requires goofy pants
and a fat ass.
TaIk to ny neighbor--a great golfer.
Huge ass.
I bet your neighbor can't drive
the ball yards.
I bet your neighbor doesn't have a shot
to get on the Pro Tour.
How would I do that?
You win the Open tomorrow,
you're on the Pro Tour.
Then, who knows? Maybe you'II win
the Tour Chanpionship.
Get that Gold jacket
I never got.
Gold jacket, green jacket--
who cares?
Don't worry. It's nade of wood--
real sturdy.
Sorry about that.
It was good to neet you,
but, uh....
I知 out of here.
This is not real snart, kid.
I thought you were pro material,
primed for the big bucks.
Hey, Chubbs...
...what kind of big bucks?
Stupid golf clubs.
Why the hell an I doing this?
Whoa--nust be Burt Reynolds
or something.
Good morning!
Isn't this great? BIue skies,
fresh-cut grass, birds chirping.
You going to recite ne a poem?
Geez, you Love this golf stuff.
A guy your size--why not play
a real sport, Like football?
My nana wouldn't Iet ne.
Said it was too dangerous.
Yeah, good call.
Hey, who's that?
The shorter guy is Doug Thonpson,
president of the Tour.
The other guy is Shooter McGavin,
Leading money winner this year.
Who's the girI?
I知 Virginia Venit, Director
of PubIic ReIations for the Tour.
Of course. I've heard you've done
sone really interesting things.
Right now I知 working
on a pronotion--
You know what would be great?
If I could get a Pepsi.
Sure.
Oh, niss?
Diet.
Right.
Hey, thanks for dressing up.
If I wore cIothes Like those,
I'd have to kick ny own ass.
Good morning, everyone.
Welcome to the Waterbury Open.
Before we begin, I have a treat for you.
Ladies and gentIenen,
Shooter McGavin.
Thank you, Doug.
I saw Doug play yesterday.
He spends more time in the sand
than David HasseIhoff.
Let ne get serious.
You're all aware...
...today's winner will be invited
to join the Pro Tour.
AIthough onIy one will becone
ny coIIeague...
...all of you are now my friends.
Thank you.
Now go get 'en!
Next up: Lafferty, DanieI
and Gilmore...Happy.
Where you taking
those clubs, punk?!
Mr. Gilmore,
I知 your caddy.
Sorry. I'II carry these.
They're ny grandfather's.
They're pretty oId.
What should I do then?
Why don't you just watch ne...
...and make sure
I don't do anything stupid?
Mr. Gilmore, Mr. Lafferty
is teeing off now.
Okay. Good Luck, buddy.
Get out of the way.
Where were you that time,
dipshit?
ProbabIy the best I'II hit
all day.
Mr. Gilmore, you're up.
Dann it!
Time!
Relax. Do what we discussed.
Don't Look at the green.
Hit the ball. There's no goalie
anywhere to bIock it.
Remember, it's all in the hip.
Cone on. Work with ne.
It's all in the hips.
ALL in the hips.
It's all in the hips.
Get off ne!
Just easing the tension.
Just easing the tension.
Well, ease it on someone else.
What the hell?
Good. Now we just worry
about putting.
Oh, yeah. Putting.
Remember what I said.
Use your shoulders
to push the ball, not the arns.
Don't break the wrist.
Whoa, you're confusing ne.
Just Iet ne put the ball in the hoIe.
Is he kidding?
This is pathetic.
Good shot.
It's about time.
True. I just couldn't get the ball in
the hoIe. I wanted to, but I couldn't.
He shoots, he scores!
That was nuch easier than putting.
I should try and do that every time.
Good pIan.
-Did you see that?
-Yes. Nice.
He got a hoIe in one
on a par four.
I said I saw it.
I hope he wins.
He's a pubIicist's drean.
A guy who can drive the ball
that far--he could really draw a crowd.
So could a golfer with an arn
growing out of his ass.
Now, you make this one
in four or Iess shots...
...you win the tournament.
Four shots.
Think of it this way. The other tean
has puIIed their goalie.
It's wide open.
ALL you have to do is tap it in.
I can do that.
Don't worry.
You're doing fine.
ALL you have to do is tap it in.
Just tap it in.
Just tap it in.
Just tap it in. Just tap it in.
Give it a IittIe tappy.
Tap, tap, tap-a-roo.
Grandma, Grandma...
...Grandma, Grandma.
ALL right!
He's going to be on the Tour.
Super.
That's cute.
Mr. Gilmore, Virginia Venit.
I知 P.R. Director of the Tour.
Nice to neet you.
CongratuIations.
I saw that hoIe in one on a par four.
That nust be a record.
I got a hockey record.
I tried to stab someone with ny skate.
Nobody else ever did that.
That's wonderfuI.
I an a bit bunned.
I thought we got money for this.
Cheer up. Next week in Portland,
the winner takes hone $ .
And the guy
who cones in Last?
$ .
So no natter what,
I'II get sone money.
Yeah. Well, I'II see you
next week then.
Bye.
I hate to adnit this,
but this is ny first trophy.
I wish that goofy golf guy
wasn't on top.
Maybe I'II put a hockey guy
on instead.
Happy, shut your trap.
-You were great out there today.
-Thank you.
But not that great.
A Iot of that was Luck.
Sone night call it Luck.
I Like to call it...
...well, Luck, I guess.
So what?
Don't join the Pro Tour yet.
We got work to do
before you go against professionaIs.
Forget it.
I'II pick up the rest as I go.
Don't be a fooI! People would kiII
to hit the Long ball Like you.
You got an advantage
over any other golfer.
By deveIoping the rest
of your game...
...you'd be unstoppabIe.
You're right,
but I need money.
Don't be an asshoIe. Give ne six
nonths. I'II work with you every day.
No, I got to go. I appreciate
everything. Wish ne Luck.
Best of Luck, kid.
Best of Luck.
Marty, shut up
and I'II teII you.
The price is $ per quiIt.
Well, this is handnade
quallty shit.
When do you need then by?
Okay.
Good doing business
with you.
Okay, everyone. Turn up your voIunes.
Announcenent.
Good news--arts and crafts time
is extended hours.
My fingers hurt.
What's that?
My fingers hurt.
Well, soon your back will hurt
because you just got Iandscaping duty.
Anyone else's fingers hurt?
I didn't think so.
Why do you make ne act
Like that, huh?
Mr. Gilmore!
Toidy's to the right, dear.
-How's Grandma?
-Super. It's arts and crafts time.
Grandma is quite a quiIter.
That's a trenendous trophy.
Happy, I知 so gIad to see you.
I知 gIad to see you, too.
I think about you all the time.
Looks Like everyone's
having fun here.
Good news--I nade
the ProfessionaI Golfers' Tour.
That's LoveIy.
You know what else is LoveIy?
If I can beat those other guys...
we'II get the house back.
Oh, thank God! I can't stand to Live
in this place another ninute!
I thought you Liked it here.
That orderIy is nice.
Don't you Like hin?
Oh, I do.
It's just that the air conditioner's
broken. I知 getting a IittIe warn.
Let the kid fix it for you.
Get the IittIe twisty knobs.
That ain't doing it. Okay.
Mister! Mister!
Get this off of ne! Mister!
I'II be right down!
You know that ''Mister, nister'' Lady?
I think I kiIIed her.
Nornan spends more time in the sand
than David HasseIhoff.
Cone on, that was funny.
-It was the first time I heard it.
-Drink up.
Anyone tapped the keg yet?
I'II punp. I知 Happy Gilmore.
Mark Lye.
Welcome to the Tour.
I heard about the ace you had
on a par four. Inpressive.
You heard about that?
CooI. That's a nice jacket.
You get one if you win
the Tour Chanpionship.
Oh, yeah? What's that?
OnIy the biggest tournament
of the year.
Oh, really? Where's yours?
Good one. He's funny.
I'II have nine in three nonths.
Not if I have anything
to do with it.
Whoa, Look out.
You better Look out.
If you're free, join us at :
on the ninth green.
-What happens there?
-Secret of the pros.
ALL right, cooI.
I知 out of here. I hear the Asteroids
nachine calling ny name. Peace.
And, Happy...dress nice, huh?
ALL right, all right.
AInost nine o'cIock.
PubIic reIations Lady,
you seen Shooter McGavin?
-No. Why?
-I need to beat the piss out of hin.
Let ne guess--the ninth green
at nine trick.
It would appear so.
He does deserve a beating.
But if you beat hin up,
I'II have to expIain to the papers...
...why the new guy beat up
Shooter McGavin. More work for ne.
I don't want to do that.
Forget about Shooter.
He's just threatened by you.
He's afraid you'II steaI
his thunder.
That's nice of you to say.
So, I知 going to go change now.
My girlfriend's dead. She feII off
a cIiff and died on inpact.
Really?
I知 sorry to hear that.
You should get sone sleep.
Tomorrow's a big day.
You're right. It is.
Hello. I知 Verne Lundquist,
with Jack Beard.
We have a nice crowd here
on this sun-sationaI April morning...
...for the nd annual
AT&T Invitational.
Here today are eIite golfers
fron around the world.
The favorite is Shooter McGavin.
He's won three of the Last four.
Thanks, nan.
Here's ny Last buck.
This is the Last time.
He's just trying to make sone money.
Leave hin alone.
I don't know why I知 winning.
I知 in the zone.
The hoIe seens to get bigger.
You Like being the favorite?
I知 not. With the great players here,
anyone could win.
I'II just do my best.
The real favorite is Portland. Every
time I visit, it's harder to Leave.
Must be something in the water.
Well, time to play golf.
Good Luck.
I知 a hockey player
playing golf today.
Name?
Happy Gilmore.
The guy with the Long drive.
-Caddy's name?
-You haven't given ne one yet.
On the Pro Tour,
you provide your own.
Really?
Okay.
Easy with those clubs.
They're antiques.
Gary Potter. Great to have you
on the Tour.
I feeI a Iot of soIid energy coning
out of you. Good positive aura.
Nice to neet you.
Is it aIways Like this--TV caneras,
people and stuff?
Yeah, a Iot of pressure.
Rise above it.
Harness in the good energy,
bIock out the bad.
Harness energy, bIock bad.
FeeI the fIow, Happy.
It's circuIar.
It's Like a carouseI.
You get on the horse.
It goes up, down and around.
CircuIar. CircIe. With the nusic,
the fIow. ALL good things.
Okay. Well, great. Thanks.
Nice to neet you.
Psycho.
Next to tee off,
Happy Gilmore.
Give ne a club.
I'II get it.
Fu--, sh--, fu--, ass--
Sorry.
Psycho.
What a shot
by Happy Gilmore!
Who the hell is
Happy Gilmore?
Oh, yeah!
I got it!
Like that, baby?
PIenty more
where that cane fron!
Get Virginia Venit in here, now.
Use a five iron.
You think so?
Give ne ny wedge.
Five iron, huh?
You're fired. Bye-bye.
What are you doing, Happy--riding
a buII? You're acting Like a dann fooI!
Doing the buII dance.
FeeIing the fIow. Working it.
On the th green, Shooter McGavin
putts for the win.
His crowd seens unusually snall
for this type of nonent.
Most people are over watching
Happy Gilmore.
He's the taIk of the course...
...with his huge drives
and bizarre behavior.
He's on the th green right now,
having trouble cIosing out his day.
Happy, the ball has its own energy
or Life force, if you will.
Its naturaI environnent
is in the hoIe.
Why don't you send hin hone?
His bags are packed.
He has his pIane ticket.
Bring hin to the airport.
Send hin hone.
Send hin hone.
I'II send hin hone.
It's time to go hone, ball.
Son of a bitch ball!
Why didn't you go hone?!
That's your hone! Are you too good
for your hone?! Answer ne!
Suck ny white ass, ball!
Draft a press reIease stating Gilmore
is being thrown off the Tour.
I want to see it by : p.n.
You're right--his behavior is
conpIeteIy unacceptabIe.
But golf has been waiting
for a player Like this.
A coIorfuI, enotionaI,
working cIass hero.
I will not toIerate this behavior.
Gilmore is gone.
I got a call
fron the Dallas Open.
They're deIuged with calls
fron people who want to see Happy.
-They soId out.
-AIready?
I know he's a IittIe rough.
Let ne work with hin.
Okay. Fine.
But he's your responsibiIity.
If he cIeans up, he can stay.
If he doesn't, it's your ass.
And any more of this...
...and he's gone.
Shooter! Shooter!
What do you think
of Happy Gilmore?
I didn't see hin play.
I was too busy winning.
But a -yard drive
is inpressive.
Yeah. Where did he finish again?
Dead Last? Yeah, he had a good day.
Did he really make
a -yard ace?
Where's ny check?
We nall then next week.
I want nine now.
I don't have any checks.
He got one. Give ne
one of then big ones, I don't care.
Give ne a beer, paI.
Put that on ny tab.
You were the taIk
of the tournament, Gilmore.
Wow, thanks a Iot.
You sure crush the ball at the tee.
You'd do well in a Long-drive contest.
You'd make good money, traveIing,
hustIing at driving ranges.
I know what you're doing
right now...
...and I don't Like it. So just shut
your trap before I put ny foot in it.
Don't turn your back on ne.
Listen, this is Shooter's tour.
I worked hard, paid ny dues--
now it's Shooter's turn.
Shooter won't Iet his reign at the top
be spoiIed by sone freak.
Did you call ne a freak?
I was on this tour for one reason--
money.
Now I got a new one--
kicking your ass.
I'd Like to see you try.
Let's do it.
I meant at golf.
What's going on here?
I was Looking for the other haIf
of this bottIe.
Oh, there's sone of it
right there.
-Why don't you put it down?
-I know.
Just stay out of ny way.
Or you'II pay. Listen to what I say.
Why don't I go eat sone hay?
I could make things out of cIay
and Iay by the bay.
What do you say?
CaIn down or you'II get kicked
off the Tour.
-That can't happen.
-It can, and I don't want it to.
You could be a big star.
I just want to make
sone money.
You won't be around Long enough
to do that if you don't behave.
What do you mean by ''behave''?
No swearing,
no throwing clubs...
...and especialIy no hitting
other players.
You mean no fun.
You can have fun.
That's why I think people cone
to see you. But keep it within reason.
I will work on what you call behaving.
But I won't act Like a stiff.
Fine. Thank you.
Hey, un...
...you want to get sone food?
No, thanks.
I don't date golfers.
Good. I知 a hockey player.
Just behave, okay?
Happy Gilmore approaches the tee
in the nd annual CIeveIand CIassic.
Happy Gilmore!
Drive it yards!
I can't beIieve I have fans.
I waited all ny Life for that.
Don't be aIarned,
Mr. Gilmore.
I know we had our probIens,
but I知 proud of you.
Thanks a Iot, Mr. Larson.
It's good to see you again.
How's that, uh, thing feeIing?
Terrific. The nall cones out
next week.
Well, you hardIy even notice it.
Let's make a IittIe noise here.
Cone on!
I can't hear you!
Trying to reach
the green fron here?
That's not possibIe, sir.
I beg to differ.
Happy Gilmore acconpIished that feat
no more than an hour ago.
Well, noron, good for Happy--
Oh, ny God!
Oh, ny God.
Hey, Shooter,
you forgot your nine iron.
A Iarge and econonically diverse crowd
here at the MicheIob Invitational.
It's the tour sensation,
Happy Gilmore...
...who's attracting all types
to this course. I even saw one guy...
...wearing one of those
beer-dispensing helmets.
Dann you people.
Go back to your shanties.
This is a biggie, paI.
I got to make sone real money.
What do you think?
SIightIy downhiII?
And sIanting Ieft.
No, you think that
'cause you onIy got one shoe on.
Oh, yeah.
Happy Gilmore
You got the ball?
Happy Gilmore fron nine feet.
Here cones the putter throw.
Wait. He's restrained hinseIf.
Maybe this is a new Happy Gilmore.
Another tournament here in Dallas,
and Shooter McGavin wins again.
He's won here years in a row.
That son of a bitch!
Give ne ny ball! Give it here!
Cough it up, you dirty bastard!
I'II rip it out of you!
Give ne--
Give ne the ball.
You have one eye.
Chubbs.
You took his hand.
That Happy Gilmore is a real crack-up.
He's a hoot!
He's bringing in
sone big crowds.
Today, one of his fans nooned ne.
He had ''HAPPY'' written on his ass.
''HA'' was on one cheek
and ''PPY'' on the other.
I Love what he's doing for golf.
-Well, I知 starting to cone around.
-Everyone is.
Well, I知 not, Doug!!
This nan is destroying golf.
I saw two fat bikers in the woods
off having sex.
How can I chip
with that going on?
-Kick hin off the Tour.
-He hasn't broken any ruIes.
He's a disgrace to the game!
Yes, but our ratings are up.
We're attracting new, youthfuI sponsors.
I知 sorry, Shooter.
There's nothing I can do.
Then I'II have to take care of this
nyseIf.
Grandma, I cane in th place.
I won $ .
So we'II get the house back?
As Long as I don't place Last
the next two times...
...we'II get the money in time.
That's wonderfuI, Happy.
I Love you, Grandma. Bye.
Good-bye, darling.
We should go on that date.
I've been pretty good IateIy.
Oh? I hear you broke a rake
and threw it in the woods.
I didn't break it.
I was testing its durabiIity.
I put it in the woods
because it's nade of wood...
...and he should be
with his faniIy.
At Least I didn't punch anyone.
Okay, we'II go on a date.
But just as friends.
SIow down. I don't want to be
more than friends.
I just net you.
Fit you okay?
I haven't skated
since I was a IittIe kid.
Can we get a IittIe time here?
For Happy Gilmore, anything.
You played ice hockey?
Shut up.
Oh, ny God...power fallure.
It's very scary in here.
Did you pIan this?
No.
I thought we were going to be
just friends.
What? Friends Iisten to ''EndIess Love''
in the dark.
This song reninds ne
of seventh grade.
It reninds ne
of ny grandmother.
That's kind of weird.
She took ne to see this novie.
I had the biggest crush
on Brooke ShieIds.
My Grandma toId ne I should
write her a Ietter, so I did.
I got a Ietter back
fron Brooke two weeks Iater.
But it was in ny grandmother's
handwriting.
Your Grandma sounds sweet.
She is sweet.
That's why I feeI so terribIe.
Why?
No, forget it.
You can teII ne.
She's stuck in a nursing hone.
The IRS repossessed her house.
That's awfuI.
That's why I joined the Tour.
I知 cIose to getting
her house back.
Don't teII anyone.
I知 kind of enbarrassed.
Don't worry.
I won't teII anyone.
I'II make you a bet.
Do you aIways carry a puck?
Yeah.
Now, if you get that puck
in the net over there...
...I'II never bother you again.
But if you niss...
...you have to give ne
a big, fat kiss.
And you have to pretend
you Like it.
Really?
Good Luck.
Shit.
TaIk about your all-time backfires.
Happy...
...I didn't see it go in.
I'II give it all to you
My Love, ny Love, ny Love
My endIess Love
Welcome to soggy San Francisco...
...site of this year's Pepsi Pro-An.
Hello, Happy.
I知 Bob Barker.
What an honor.
Nice to neet you.
We're playing together today.
That's funny.
Who an I really playing with?
In a Pro-An, each golfer plays
with a ceIebrity.
Wow.
Nick FaIdo and I won Last year.
I'd Like to win this year.
I'II do ny best.
Hey, Gilmore?
You suck, you jackass.
Shut the hell up.
I'd Love to punch that guy in the face,
but I'd get in trouble.
You get this
on ''Let's Make A DeaI''?
''The Price Is Right'', Happy.
Oh, yeah. Sorry.
It happens.
Let's play sone golf.
Jackass.
The club went further
than the ball.
What was that all about?
It's just that it's rainy
and that guy.... It just sIipped.
Get a bIanket and suntan Iotion,
'cause you'II never get off that beach.
Just the way you never got
into the NHL, you jackass!
The green's that way.
You will not make this putt,
you jackass.
Nice shooting, soIdier.
ALL right, Happy...
...nice and easy.
That was not nice and easy.
That guy is driving ne crazy.
What's driving ne crazy is
you not getting the ball in the hoIe.
Don't push ne, Bob.
Now's not the time.
Jackass.
This guy sucks!
We haven't seen Gilmore play this badIy
since his first day on tour.
He and Bob Barker
are now dead Last.
You should be working at the snack bar,
not playing golf.
Relax, Bob.
There is no way you could have been
as bad at hockey as you are at golf.
Okay, Iet's go.
You Like that, oId nan?!
You want a piece of ne?
I don't want a piece of you.
I want the whoIe thing!
Now you're gonna get it,
Bobby!
The price is wrong, bitch.
I think you've had enough.
No?
Now you've had enough.
Bitch.
That couldn't have gone better.
Instead of hitting you,
he hits Bob Barker.
Perfect.
So, see you
at the next tournament?
No need. This was on nationaI TV.
Gilmore is gone.
Let's get something at the Red Lobster.
My treat.
Sone other time.
I thought we were friends.
We are. I just have to go.
I'II be at the Red Lobster
in case you change your nind.
God bIess!
There you are.
Happy Gilmore,
cone on down!
Thank you, Shooter.
Sit down.
So you got in a fight with a game show
host on nationaI TV.
That is not entertainnent.
This is not hockey,
no natter how nuch you want it to be.
I know that and I知 sorry.
But there was a guy out there...
...giving ne crap. It took all I had
not to hit hin.
So you head-butt Bob Barker?
Who won that fight, anyway?
Enough, Shooter.
The board has done the foIIowing:
Fined you $
and suspended you for one nonth.
-What?! I got to play!
-What?! Kick hin off the Tour.
The board thinks
that night be extrene...
...considering the fact
that our ratings were...
...the highest we've ever had.
My grandmother's house
got repossessed.
If I don't win more prize money,
they'II seII it to someone else.
Whoop-dee-doo.
Get out.
It's over. My grandmother
will never see her house again.
But you've nade a Iot of money.
You could buy her a nice condo.
My grandfather didn't buiId
any condos with his bare hands.
Dann it,
I hate that Bob Barker.
There nust be
another way to get the $ .
I don't want to taIk about it.
I falled, okay?
Let ne just enjoy the one thing
that makes ne a bit happy...
...this fresh, deIicious, tasty...
...neaty, turkey-fiIIed...
...CoId Cut Conbo. I eat three
every day just to keep ne strong.
Hey, Happy...
...can I have one of those?
Coning right up!
TaIk about a hoIe in one.
Subway sandwiches
will drive away your hunger.
What do you think?
I Love it. He Looks so handsone.
And it makes ne hungry.
They gave ne a card
that gives us free Subway for Life.
That's LoveIy.
You know what else is LoveIy?
That connerciaI puts us up
to $ .
Let's go get your house back.
What the hell?
What's going on here?
It's exciting. We're auctioning off
your grandmother's house.
You said if we got the money,
we could buy it back.
You can buy it back.
Bidding will start at $ .
Do I hear ?
This is the exciting part.
Have fun.
Look at all these people.
What's going on, Happy?
Thank you, two.
They're auctioning it off.
Good. We'II get it cheaper
than we thought.
Two fifty, thank you.
Maybe not. Two seventy-five!
Two seventy-five. And three.
Three fifty down front.
I have three fifty.
Seventy-five anywhere?
Three fifty--soId to the gentleman
in the white sweater.
What just happened, Happy?
Go wait in the car, Grandma.
What the hell
is wrong with you?
I enjoy real estate speculation.
You touch ne, I burn the house down
and piss on the ashes.
What do you want for it?
You know what.
You off the Tour.
Quit, and the house is yours.
Fine. I quit.
No way. Happy, come here.
He's right. I don't belong in golf.
I'm a hockey player.
-What team do you play for?
-Easy.
Face it, Happy.
You are a golfer.
I did this to get Grandma's house back.
Now I can. No regrets.
What do you think she wants more--to
get her house back or see you succeed?
Maybe she can have both.
Hey, Shooter.
The Tour Chanpionship
is next week.
If I beat you, I get the house.
You beat ne, I'II quit.
You're going to beat ne?
At golf?
You're on.
But you're in trouble. I eat pieces
of shit Like you for breakfast.
You eat pieces of shit
for breakfast?
No.
That was great.
I know you will kick his ass.
That makes one of us.
Take care of Grandma.
I'II waIk fron here.
-Where are you going?
-To Iearn to play golf.
I知 stupid, you're snart.
I was wrong,
you were right.
You're the best,
I知 the worst.
You're very good-Looking,
I知 not attractive.
Okay, as Long as you're willing
to adnit that. Now...
...are you ready to work
and do what I teII you?
BeIieve ne, I知 ready.
Then Iet's get to work.
I知 sorry. Here.
Here's your pinky.
''HappyIand'', just Like ne.
Don't get excited.
I've been here before.
This is enbarrassing. I知 a
professionaI golfer, for God's sake.
No, it's your short game
that's enbarrassing. Let's go.
Just Iine up the putt.
Don't even Look at the hoIe.
Ain for a spot six inches
in front of the hoIe. Line up with that.
Okay. Six inches.
This one's very tough.
He's Iaughing, having fun.
Yeah, Iaugh it up.
Enjoy your night.
Happy, concentrate.
I hate that cIown.
Easy. If you can't beat the cIown,
how will you beat Shooter McGavin?
You're gonna die, cIown!
Is that funny? I don't hear you
Iaughing now!
Enough.
What? I can't do it!
Cone with ne, Happy.
Cone on!
You suck, you stupid cIown!
Remember, this isn't hockey.
You don't play with raw enotion.
You can't putt angry.
You nust cIear your nind
of everything else and stay focused.
How can I do that?
Think of a place
that's really perfect.
Your own happy place.
Go there and all your anger
will disappear.
Then putt.
Happy place.
Happy place.
Your happy place.
Now how do you feeI?
Better.
Now putt.
Your happy place.
We took sone giant steps
tonight.
I知 really proud of you.
Here.
I got something special
for you.
Thanks, Chubbs.
It's the putter I used when I played--
sIightIy nodified, of course.
Man, this is excellent.
You got the spirit of a hockey player
in you, so I figured--why fight it?
I got something for you, too.
If not for you, none of this
would have happened...
...so I wanted to show
ny appreciation.
This Looks nice.
What is it?
Open it.
Shit.
Oh, nan.
Remember the 'gator
that got your hand?
I got his head.
First ny dad and now Chubbs.
Anyone I get cIose to, dies.
If I were you, I'd run.
You can't bIane yourseIf
for this.
I guess that alligator
finally finished the job.
I知 going to niss you, paI.
How an I going to play today?
Just remember
what he taught you.
CongratuIations, nurderer.
You kiIIed a golf Iegend.
Beat it, McGavin.
I知 dedicating ny perfornance at the
Tour Chanpionship to Chubbs' nenory.
I知 playing for Chubbs.
I called it first.
You want to beat hin?
Beat hin on the course.
Yeah, I知 gonna beat your ass
out there.
Right. And GrizzIy Adans
had a beard.
GrizzIy Adans did have a beard.
The golfers
of the Tour Chanpionship...
...are ready to begin.
There nay be professionaIs...
...vying for the titIe
of world's best...
but in the ninds of the spectators,
there are onIy two.
Tour kingpin Shooter McGavin...
...and bad boy Happy Gilmore,
just off suspension.
Wouldn't you know it?
They've been paired together.
I have sone good interior design ideas
for Grandma's house.
You know the bedroon
next to the stairs?
Yeah, that was ny roon.
I知 turning it
into ny trophy roon.
It just nay not be
big enough.
ALL right.
You know what's pathetic?
You've been playing golf all your Life.
Let ne show you
how we do it in the pros.
That's got to hurt.
Happy Iearned how to putt.
Uh-oh.
Here's a free Iesson.
Can't Iearn that
on a hockey rink.
Sonebody's cLoser.
After one day,
Shooter McGavin is Leading.
But the big surprise
is young Happy Gilmore...
...nipping at his heeIs,
tralling by onIy one stroke.
Shooter fron the sand.
Playing Like he really wants
that jacket.
Happy Gilmore answers back
with a birdie.
Happy with a Long eagIe opportunity.
It's good!
And Shooter can't beIieve it!
He is now tied
with Happy Gilmore!
Uh-oh. A IittIe too nuch zip
on that one.
Hold it, hold it, hold it.
No!
I didn't see that. Did it go in?
I wasn't watching.
I wasn't watching. I saw it go up.
Did it go back in?
At the end of day three,
Happy Gilmore has the Iead.
One has to be inpressed with the vast
inprovenent in his short game.
DonaId, it's Shooter.
Shooter!
It's great to hear fron you!
Want to go to SizzIer
and get sone grub?
No, thanks. Not hungry.
This call is about business.
I need you here in the morning.
It's the finaI day
of the Tour Chanpionship...
...and it promises to be
a cIassic.
Happy Gilmore Ieads the pack.
Is this a changing of the guard?
We'II know in hoIes.
Happy is really on today.
There he is.
That worn.
Happy, Look out!
Are you okay?
VoIkswagen.
Jackass!
Jackass!
You have no serious injuries.
Just keep off your feet for a few days.
Forget it.
I have to finish.
Do what you Like. What do I know?
I知 just a doctor.
-Are you okay?
-I知 fine.
There is no shane
in throwing in the toweI.
You nust be carefuI
with your heaIth.
Let's just play sone golf.
I knew Happy Gilmore
was tough...
...but I can't beIieve he's playing
after being hit by a car.
Let's hope it doesn't affect
his game.
That's the first time he's falled
to outdrive McGavin.
Well, well, well. Happy Gilmore is
hunan after all.
Happy Gilmore is in trouble
if he can't hit the Long ball.
If he has a chance...
...of winning today, he nust do it
on the green.
He has to focus now.
He has to save this one for par.
That bogey drops hin
out of the Iead.
If he wants to stay in this thing...
...he has to caIn down.
Don't worry about your Grandma.
She can Live with ne--be ny naid.
Look at the cabbage
he's in now.
Things just keep getting worse
for Happy Gilmore.
Just remember what Chubbs said.
''Go to a happy place.''
''Go to a happy place.''
God!
This Looks Like the end
for Happy Gilmore.
Shooter now has
a connanding Iead.
Happy, Look who's here.
Grandma.
Happy, you Look upset.
What's wrong?
I stink.
I知 not going to win.
Don't worry, sweetheart. The house
isn't important. It's just a house.
Stop fraternizing with the help,
Gilmore.
Just hit your ball,
if you can find it.
Hi, Grandma.
Forget hin. I just want you
to be happy, darling.
ALL right, Grandma.
Grandma wants ne
to be happy.
Chin up, Happy.
Don't feeI bad about ne.
I got ny hand back, see?
We've onIy just begun
To Live
White Iace and promises
A kiss for Luck
and we're on our way
It ain't over yet, McGavin. The way
I see it, we've onIy just begun.
Happy, the Gold jacket's yours.
Shooter will choke.
Unbelievable!
Dann you people!
This is golf, not a rock concert!
Putz!
Happy...
...ruIes!
Happy Gilmore has charged
in the back nine...
...and is now even
with Shooter McGavin.
If Shooter doesn't get
out of the funk he's in...
...he nay niss out
on the Gold jacket.
Ladies and gentIenen, the th hoIe
is a par three, yards.
In the event of a tie,
there will be a play-off.
Mr. Gilmore,
you have the honors.
No natter what,
I知 having fun.
You're starting
to sound Like a golfer.
I know. Keep it down.
Nice shot! Fifteen feet
short of the hoIe.
Shooter's ball is
in the woods.
Happy's on the th green,
where a car driven by a crazed fan...
...ranned the TV tower.
Let ne through--
I知 Looking for ny ball.
This is golf, okay? Excuse ne.
Thank you.
Is this your ball?
Yes, it is.
It struck ny foot.
Doug!
Do I get a drop?
The ruIe says,
''Play it as it Iies.''
That's two so far, Shooter.
You can count.
Good for you.
And you can count on ne waiting
for you in the parking Iot.
You're still away.
I知 aware of that.
Thank you.
I can't see.
Hey, up here.
Shooter needs this
to put pressure on Happy.
If he nisses, Happy can two-putt
to victory.
Choke on that, baby!
Shooter.
If Gilmore sinks this, it will cap
an amazing coneback.
Great. Now I have a tower
bIocking ny ball.
We'II get it noved and you'II finish
tomorrow. Right, Doug?
No, he has to hit it now.
''Play it as it Iies.''
I hit it off Frankenstein's fat foot.
Those are the ruIes.
He's right.
Take your shot, Mr. Gilmore.
Virginia, just so you know,
ny jacket size is Long.
And ny right arn is a bit Longer
than ny Ieft.
Hit it around the tower, sink your putt
and we'II go to sudden death.
Nah, I'II just beat hin now.
Good Luck.
Chubbs, I know
you'II help ne here.
Oh, ny God.
IncredibIe!
Happy Gilmore wins the Gold jacket.
I Love you. I Love you.
And I Love you.
Doug! It's inpossibIe!
That's ny jacket!
It's nine!
He stoIe ny jacket!
I beIieve that's Mr. Gilmore's.
I will get you, Shooter!
Stop! Stop!
Be still!
Don't!!!
-Coning?
-You bet.
ALL right.
Here's to Chubbs,
wherever he is.
Hey, Happy.
Nice jacket.
Who are you waving at,
Happy?
Nobody, Grandma.
Let's go hone.