Voila! Finally, the Heartburn
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Meryl
Streep and Jack Nicholson. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Heartburn. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hi. Can I sit here?
Where Were you?
It's so hot in here.
Please be seated.
Dearly beloved...
Richard, on the other side,
tWo roWs back, next to the hat.
- Where?
- Don't look in an obvious Way, OK?
A friend of Karen and Tom Will noW
read from the Letter to the Corinthians.
That's Mark Forman.
He Writes a column in Washington.
Is he single?
He's famous for it.
Very single.
"Love is long-suffering and kind.
"Love does not envy. Love does not
make a vain display of itself
"and does not boast.
Does not behave itself unseemly.
"Bears all things, believes all things,
"hopes all things, endures all things.
"Love never fails.
"And noW abide faith, hope, love.
"These three,
but the greatest of these...
"...is love."
TWo White Wines, please.
Thank you.
I'm Mark Forman.
Rachel Samstat.
I saW you on Meet the Press.
I read your article about ice cream.
I have to tell you, I disagree
With you about Häagen-Dazs
Rum Raisin.
What can I say?
- You Were so vicious about it.
- I'm a vicious person.
That's What I hear.
Next time you have one of those food
contests doWn at the magazine,
I'd like to be a judge. I really Would.
I'll come up from Washington for it.
MeanWhile...
...hoW Would you like to go
someplace and have a drink?
I have to go tell someone
that I'm leaving.
- You here With a date?
- No. My friend. An editor.
Excuse me.
Hi.
Sorry.
Here.
I'm gonna go have a drink With him.
Fine.
My Wife's name Was Kimberley.
One of the very first Kimberleys.
My husband had hamsters.
- Me too.
- Not as a groWnup you didn't.
He had hamsters
named Arnold and Shirley.
And he Was alWays Whipping up little
salads for them in the Slice-O-Matic
and buying them
extremely small sWeaters
at a pet boutique in Rego Park.
Also, there Was a certain amount
of talking in squeaky voices.
Both of you?
Well, he Was Arnold...
...and I Was Shirley.
My sister alWays used to
try to get me to have one.
A nose job.
I love your nose.
Well, it goes With my face.
I alWays say that, but it isn't true.
You say you love her.
You can remember her love for you.
What happened so far?
She Was decapitated
in a dreadful automobile accident.
But fortunately, that Was the exact
problem that her boyfriend
Was Working on
back at the laboratory.
So he carried the head back
in a toWel that he had in the car.
And she Wakes up on a tray and says:
"Where am I?
"Oh, no, don't tell me.
"I've been in an aWful accident
and lost my arms and legs."
And he says:
"Worse than that, I'm afraid."
This is great.
So you just go in the kitchen
at in the morning...
- Oh, sure.
- And you come back out With this.
This is the best spaghetti carbonara
I've ever had.
You're making fun of me.
You probably think it's very bourgeois
to cook for somebody on the first date.
You probably think
I do this for everybody.
Rachel, I love this.
When We're married,
I Want this once a Week.
I'm never getting married again.
I don't believe in marriage.
Neither do I.
Does your sister behave like this
at all her Weddings?
- She's never done this before.
- No?
Let me go see.
Thank you. Hi.
Hi. Hi.
- Get her already.
- I Will, Daddy.
Rachel, everybody's Waiting.
I don't knoW What to tell them.
I don't knoW, Eleanor. I don't knoW.
Mom and Dad Were a disaster.
Charlie and I Were a disaster.
Everybody...
Except for you tWo.
HoW long have you and Harvey
been married?
- TWelve years.
- And it's a Wonderful marriage, isn't it?
It's OK.
- The secret is Waxed paper.
- Waxed paper?
You butter the Waxed paper
on both sides.
Then add the chicken just as you
Would a normal casserole.
- Filleted, of course?
- Of course. And not a trace of skin.
Oh, no, never, never.
Fifty percent of all marriages
end in divorce.
Not second marriages.
Forty percent of all second
marriages end in divorce.
You can't even get a decent bagel
in Washington, D.C.
I'll send them to you
Federal Express.
Thank you.
Julie and Arthur Siegel, We met in
Washington, Mark's oldest friends.
I hope We're not disturbing you.
No, no, come in.
Rachel, We don't knoW you very Well,
but We knoW Mark.
TWenty years. For years
he's been terrible to Women.
Lying, cheating...
Bringing them to our house for lunch
then leaving them there, vanishing.
- Until you.
- You're the only person
he's ever treated decently.
Your mother Would've loved him.
Yeah.
But she Was crazy.
That's true.
Add about four cups of heavy cream.
- And begin boiling.
- Cream and shallots.
- Cream and shallots.
- So simple, so far.
OK, it is done
in approximately minutes.
You Want me to marry him, don't you?
I don't Want you to do anything.
That is such a lie.
All you therapists Want is for us
to get married and have babies.
It's the closest
you ever get to a cure.
I'm just trying to understand Why you
don't Wanna marry somebody you love.
Because it doesn't Work.
Marriage doesn't Work.
You knoW What Works? Divorce.
Divorce is only a temporary solution.
Let's be sensible. We're happy noW.
If We get married,
We'll ruin everything.
The minute you get married,
you start to drive each other crazy.
It'll never happen With us.
Why not?
Because you already drive me crazy.
I love you.
I have to trust you.
Do you knoW Where your shoes are?
Do you knoW?
I do.
I knoW everything about you.
And it's just the beginning.
Made it, huh?
We are here today to celebrate
the marriage of Rachel and Mark
and their commitment
to a life together.
Do you, Mark, have this Woman
to be your Wife,
to love her, honor her,
cherish her in joy and in sorroW
for as long as you both shall live?
I do.
Do you, Rachel, have this man
to be your husband,
to love him, honor him,
cherish him in joy and in sorroW
for as long as you both shall live?
I do.
I, Mark Louis Forman, take you,
Rachel Louise Samstat,
to be my Wife,
to have and to hold,
to love and to cherish
from this day forward,
until death part... Part us.
With this ring, I Wed thee.
I, Rachel Louise Samstat,
take you, Mark Louis Forman,
to be my husband,
to love and to cherish,
to have and to hold,
from this day forward,
until death shall part us.
With this ring, I thee Wed.
As Mark and Rachel
have decided to marry
and have promised to be loving
and faithful to each other
through all the circumstances
life may bring,
have exchanged rings
as a token of that pledge,
I declare that they are
husband and Wife.
- I love you.
- I love you.
Gorgeous little tree.
- Oh, this White one?
- Yes.
- No, no.
- What? Which one?
- The...
- Oh, the sold one.
Needs a little Work. OK?
Oh, Well, We got a good price on it
because they had a sort of a fire.
Thank you.
And this...
...is...
...Why We bought the place.
It's the... It's the original fireplace.
What do you think?
Yeah, you have to use
your imagination.
It's going to be beautiful.
Not necessarily in your lifetime.
It's just that there's no door
to the kitchen.
The back door.
The back door.
Yes.
It's true.
You can get into the kitchen...
...through the back door.
This, We knoW is a kitchen.
But you can't get inside the house
from in the kitchen!
NoW, hoW the fuck
did this happen?!
Mark. For God's sake.
Laszlo, We thought that
you could put a door here.
She's a piece of cake.
- He's a piece of cake.
- It's a piece of cake.
- You are Hungarian?
- No. You are Hungarian.
- Yes.
- Yes. Hungarians have no pronouns.
Apparently they don't have
fucking doors, either.
She is very angry at me.
He is very angry at you. Yes.
- Why aren't you angry at him?
- It's only a door, honey.
It Will be extra, yes?
Why don't We just hire
another contractor?
Forget about the money
and just hire someone else.
That's just What I Was thinking.
In China they have to eat
this shit every day.
Nobody's making you eat it. They're
serving dinner at this stupid party.
What are you so upset about?
There's just dust everywhere.
Look at it.
There's dust in my pores.
- It's not funny.
- Yes, it is.
Well, I told you that you shouldn't
hire him. I mean, it's not my fault.
Look, obviously he is never going
to come back and finish the job.
I've tried all Week to find someone
neW. It's not that easy. You try it.
- Good evening.
- Good evening.
Oh, yeah, I just can't read
every day.
I'm aWfully pleased
to hear you say that.
- He's just so modest.
- Oh, I am modest.
No, I... I think sometimes people...
...Worry about the rich man.
You have to Worry about the little man.
...people from Mississippi
and Alabama, they tend to...
...and he does not believe they Will
get the bill through committee.
Really?
- Really?
- Yeah, there gonna have a...
...M .
- What's M ?
It sounds like a missile,
is What it sounds like.
We try to determine What policy We
should take in the situation
- in Which We find ourselves.
- I'm not denying that.
- It Was such fun, May.
- Oh, thank you.
- Thank you, it Was Wonderful.
- Good night.
They talked over me
as if I Wasn't even there.
Blah-blah-blah,
investment tax credits.
Blah-blah-blah,
the oil-depletion alloWance.
If you read something
other than the Style Section,
you might find it interesting.
I'll call Laszlo When We get home.
I'm gonna try him one more time.
All you'll get is the machine.
Yes, Laszlo, it's Rachel.
Rachel Samstat.
Oh, my God. I don't believe it.
Well, I'm fine, thank you.
Don't be so fucking nice.
Where the fuck have you been?
My God.
I'm real... I'm sorry.
Yes, of course I understand.
Oh, God, Well, I...
I hope you feel better.
Well, don't... You knoW,
only if you're up to it.
Don't push things.
You knoW, Whenever you can.
OK. Bye.
What the fuck Was that?
- He has cancer.
- Bullshit.
- Mark.
- It's bullshit!
- People don't lie about things like that.
- Contractors lie about everything.
- What'd he say, "I have cancer"?
- Exactly.
Well, he probably meant
that "he" has cancer.
- Who?
- HoW do I knoW? Someone.
I don't knoW. His father.
His father's dead.
We'll go over to his house,
have a look at him.
If he looks OK, I'll kill him.
He has an unlisted address.
- What are you talking about?
- Oh, Well, it's the latest thing.
What kind of person
has an unlisted address?
I'll tell you What kind of person.
The kind that doesn't Want to be dead.
The kind people are trying
to kill all the time.
- Why are you angry at me for?
- I'm not angry at you.
Then What are you shouting at me for?
Because you're the only one
that's here.
I hate it When you get angry.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm not angry at you.
I love you.
I'm not angry at you.
We can't have a baby in this. It'll have
asthma before it's a month old.
Well, We'll just have to Wait till We
finish the house to have a baby.
If this is your Way of telling me
that We've got less than nine months
to finish this renovation,
it's a really Weird Way of doing it.
Well, We...
We're having a baby. I think.
I think We're having a baby.
- We're having a baby.
- Yeah.
Oh, baby.
Thank you.
Let's...
Let's sing...
...all the songs We knoW
about babies.
I don't knoW any songs about babies.
Yes, sir
That's my baby
No, sir, I don't mean maybe
Yes, sir
That's my baby now
Oh, baby, you
Nobody but you
I don't knoW the rest.
Is you is, or is you ain't my baby?
I really can't stay
But, baby, it's cold outside
I really have to go
But, baby, it's cold outside
This evening has been
- So happy that you dropped
- So nice
Look out the window at the storm
Bill.
My boy Bill
I will see that he's named after me
I will
My boy Bill will be tall
And as tough as a tree
Will Bill
Like a tree he'll grow
With his head held high
And his feet planted firm
On the ground
And you won't see nobody
Dare to try
To toss him or boss him around
No baggy-eyed
Beer-bellied bully
Will boss him around
I don't give a damn what he does
As long as he does what he likes
He can sit on his tail
And hammer a nail
With a hammer
Hammering spikes
The other thing
The river, do something With the river.
With a hammer
Hammering spikes
Wait a minute
What if he is a girl?
She's gotta be sheltered
And fed and dressed in the best
That money can buy
I never knew how to make money
But I'll try, by God, I'll try
I'll go out and make it
Or steal it
Or take it
Or I'll
Die
Die
A baby? She's gonna have a baby.
A girl baby.
Oh, no kissing. No kissing in group.
- What are you gonna call it?
- Her, it's a her.
I'm sorry. Her, OK?
- What goes With Forman?
- Oh, no last names in group.
- We're thinking of Ann.
- Ann? Just Ann?
- What's Wrong With Ann?
- I like Ann.
- Where'd you get the ring?
- What? This?
Mark gave me this
When I got pregnant.
- Oh, my God.
- I thought you said
- you Weren't gonna have a baby.
- Yeah, Well, I changed my mind.
Vera's happy,
even if you're not, Diana.
I'm happy.
Really, I am. I am.
Veronica Lake.
- Janet Leigh.
- Oh, Arthur, don't you think
- Janet Leigh's a little obvious?
- Don't pay any attention to them, Julie.
- Honey, you didn't start yet, did you?
- No, I Waited for you.
- All right? All right. This is for the hall.
- OK.
And this is for the nursery.
What do you think?
- I love this.
- What do you call this color?
- Taupe.
- Do you think We'll get tired of it?
Taupe? Never. Taupe.
What can I say?
I've alWays been terrible With colors.
It comes from having groWn up
With the single-roW box of crayons,
instead of the big box.
If I had had the big box, I Would
noW knoW taupe and cerise and ecru.
- Instead, all I knoW is burnt sienna.
- I think there's a column in this.
- Oh, God.
- Forman, every time I say something,
it ends up in your column.
- You can have it if you Want it.
- It's mine. I said it.
I get to say, "You can have
it if you Want it", not you.
- Well, do you Want it or not?
- Yes.
Well, What're you gonna do With it?
Write it up in some laW revieW?
He doesn't have to
do anything With it.
- Hi, honey.
- Hey.
I don't knoW if you need this or...
Where'd you find arugula
in Washington, Betty?
Oh, I only had to
drive miles for it.
- Hey, hoW are you?
- Oh, God. Wonderful.
Oh, I'll tell you Who.
Rita Hayworth.
The peerless Rita, yes.
Ava Gardner.
- Ann Blyth.
- Ann Blyth?
What can I tell you? I've alWays
had a thing for Ann Blyth.
What can I tell you? I've alWays
had a thing for Ann Blyth.
- All right.
- We give up.
Senator Toffler and
Vicky Huddleston.
- No kidding.
- Really?
HoW do you knoW that?
Parked in the Hamburger Hamlet
parking lot.
In GeorgetoWn?
- Bethesda.
- No shit.
I kneW something Was Wrong,
because about a month ago
I sat next to him at dinner,
and he asked me What I thought
- the resale value of his house Was.
- Mark.
I said, "Mr. Senator,
I am a television journalist.
- "I'm not a real-estate broker."
- Mark, I think something's happening.
- Rachel.
- Are you OK?
- Time to go to the hospital.
- She's having the baby.
- Are you all right?
- Yeah.
- Got the bag?
- It's a...
- Can I give you a ride?
- The bag's in the car.
- Put the lamb on for minutes.
- What?
Baste it once, turn it over
and cook it for more minutes.
Just keep breathing. You can do it.
I don't Want to do it, honey.
Can't We get somebody else to do it?
You're doing fine.
Give me a break.
The baby's in some distress.
It's possible there's a problem
With the umbilical cord.
I'm keeping an eye on it.
In distress?
If it looks serious,
We can do a cesarean.
We can have the baby
out in tWo minutes.
- Hold on.
- Is the baby gonna die?
Let's do it.
Get Anesthesia and Pediatrics.
- We're gonna do a cross-section.
- Mark.
Yeah, I'm here.
Take it easy, nurse.
We're almost there.
Count backwards
from Rachel.
I'm here, babe.
One hundred.
Ninety-nine.
Ninety-eight.
Ninety-seven.
No pictures, OK?
Is that our baby?
Let me see.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, Petunia
I sing to you
I sing to you
And the baby Petunia too
I sing to you
About your sweetness
And your beet-red face
And your little no-teethness
And your little hands
She's cranky.
Without no gloves
I sing to you of all our love
Behave, peanut.
Oh, God.
I love our life.
I love hoW it just goes
along, you knoW.
Pork chops again, and, "Do We
oWe the Richardsons?" and...
- Where are my socks?
- And, "Where are my socks?", right.
- Where are my socks?
- They're in your sock draWer.
Got four socks in my sock draWer,
and none of them match.
Oh, oh, I'm sorry.
- Hello, hello, baby.
- Here's your funny daddy.
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
Well...
- See?
- Well, I mean, that... Yeah.
Whoops.
I must've took tWo of those.
I just... I never expected
to love it so much.
You knoW?
Nobody tells you. Nobody prepares
you for What happens.
I mean, you get born too.
A Whole part of you that
you didn't knoW you had.
I mean, suddenly you have
all this love to give and...
It's almost as if you expand.
- You should be Writing about this.
- Oh, God, Richard.
You don't have to Write
about everything.
You'll Wind up doing yourself a favor.
Just keep a tape recorder around
- and talk into it every so often.
- Oh, sure.
Right. This is Rachel Samstat,
food Writer, and I'm here
mixing Gerber's rice cereal
and applesauce.
Do it soon because
after this one's born
you Won't have time
to Write a postcard.
"Presently, Kep opened the
door of the shed
"and let out Jemima Puddle-duck.
"Unfortunately, the puppies rushed
in and gobbled up all the eggs
"before he could stop them.
"Jemima Puddle-duck
Was escorted home in tears
"on account of those eggs."
- Good morning.
- Morning.
- Good morning, Juanita.
- What a day.
"She laid some more in June.
"And she Was permitted to keep them
herself, but only four of them hatched.
"Jemima Puddle-duck said that
it Was because of her nerves.
"But she had alWays
been a bad sitter."
What a story.
I've...
I've got a lunch up on the Hill,
and then I'm gonna go shopping.
- What for?
- Socks.
Hello, this is Rachel Samstat.
Well, obviously it's me.
I mean, Who else could it be?
It's my tape recorder.
And it's May th, and I'm here
in the kitchen With Annie.
Why don't you say something
to the folks back home, Annie.
What?
A Word? Oh, my God.
I got it on tape.
Oh, you big...
Julie's idea of romance, OK?
I'll tell you. You ready?
She's got this flannel nightgoWn
that she puts on.
It's got this stuff across the top.
What is it?
- Rickrack.
- Rickrack, exactly. Right.
- And these bedroom slippers...
- With bunnies on them.
Right. So she puts on the nightgoWn
and the slippers,
and she gets into bed on Monday night
With the magazines
- and a boWI of lima beans, right?
- Yes, yes.
Hi, darling. Bye.
And noW, Arthur's idea of
romance is Venice, gondolas...
- Gondolas.
- Oh, oh, yes, of course.
I love my flannel nightgoWn.
Oh, I'm so happy.
Who kneW West Virginia
Was so beautiful?
I think We should take
this place every summer.
- Definitely.
- Mark goes into toWn,
goes to the dentist. He conducts his
search for the perfect pair of socks.
He comes home and says,
"What've you been doing?"
And I say, "Oh, not much, you knoW.
Today We found a frog."
Here's a riddle for you.
There's million people in America.
A hundred million of them are men.
They lose four socks a year,
conservatively.
I lose ten myself.
That's million missing socks.
Missing forever. Where are they?
Nobody ever sees them again.
You'd think you'd run into one
of them every once in a While.
They're in heaven.
You die, go to heaven,
and they give you this big box
With all your missing socks
and mufflers in it.
And you get to spend
eternity sorting it out.
And Why is there only one shoe left
in the road? Where is the other shoe?
Why is the cold Water
in the bathroom alWays colder
than the cold Water in the kitchen?
- Mark, for God's sake.
- What?
It's not even lunch, and you rip
the leg off the chicken?
Are you planning
on photographing it?
Oh, come on.
You don't even like dark meat.
Well, I Won't have any lunch, OK?
Just subtract it
from my share, OK?
This isn't
your mother's house,
Where you do something like that,
and everybody thinks it's cute.
If it's not my mother's house, then Why
are you talking to me like I'm your kid?
Come on, guys.
Bellinis.
- That's...
- Whoops. Sorry.
- Just like in Venice.
- Thank you.
Toast?
To marriage.
To friendship.
- OK. Is everybody ready?
- Ready.
Arthur, you go first.
- "JeWish."
- You put "JeWish" first?
Julie, try to control yourself.
It's my list.
- "JeWish. Married."
- Thank you.
"Lawyer. Father."
Hungry. Thank God.
OK. OK, this is me.
"Unemployed."
"Mother. Good-natured.
- "Shiksa. Sister."
- What about "married"?
- That's the shiksa part.
- Arthur, it's her list.
"Yugoslav. Capitalist. Tan.
Tall. pounds."
Dmitri, it's not supposed to be like
a driver's license. It's Who you are.
- I am pussy-Whipped.
- That is such a lie. It is.
All right.
"Television intervieWer.
Blond. Living With Dmitri."
- Right.
- Yeah, for noW.
"Friend. Texan."
- "Pregnant."
- No.
"Wife and mother.
Writer. Happy."
- Thelma.
- Betty, hello.
- Hi. Jonathan.
- Oh, please don't get up.
We saW each other
at the SWedish Embassy?
- I think you're right.
- Hi.
- Rachel. Hello, Mark.
- Have a Wonderful dinner.
- Good night.
- Nice to see you.
- Thelma Rice is having an affair.
- No.
- With Who?
- I don't knoW.
- Oh, come on.
- With someone.
This is What I knoW.
It shouldn't be difficult to figure out.
It has to be someone taller than she is,
Which rules out
practically everybody.
Maybe it's one of the
Washington Bullets.
HoW do you knoW this?
She's talking about buying a condo
and staying in Washington
if Jonathan is sent to Bangladesh.
NoW, obviously,
she's having an affair With someone.
Maybe Senator Campbell.
He's been talking about condos too.
- Senators alWays talk about condos.
- This is true. Who else could it be?
You knoW, I don't knoW hoW anybody
gets anything going in this toWn.
Nobody even flirts here.
Jonathan is not being
sent to Bangladesh.
Why not?
Because We still care
about Bangladesh.
Mark, your turn.
"Columnist. In love. Married. Father.
"Shortstop."
Choked on that first one, didn't you?
- Hi.
- Hi. Thank you.
You're Welcome.
Thelma Rice had her legs Waxed.
For the first time. Need I say more?
He's in love With someone else.
Hold still. He comes over last night,
and he drops it on me.
He's in love With someone else
- but still Wants to be friends.
- This just happened?
- Last night?
- Hold still.
I says, "I don't Wanna be friends
With you."
He says, "Why not?" I says,
"Because you're a real shithead.
- "That's Why."
- Don't do too much...
I'll do one side. If you don't like it,
We'll take it doWn.
You knoW What he says to me?
He says:
"You mean you're not even
gonna cut my hair anymore?"
He falls in love With someone
else While going With me,
and he actually thinks I'm gonna
go on cutting his hair.
I can't believe
I didn't figure it out.
He kept dropping one clue
after another, right into my lap.
He has to go jogging.
He has to go and do errands
that take four times
longer than it'd take
a genuinely subnormal person
to do them.
Last Week, he calls me up at
: in the evening, and he says:
"I'm calling to say good night.
I'm going to bed early.
"I'm gonna turn off the phone.
"I Wanted you to knoW in case you
called, and there Was no ansWer."
And do you knoW What I said to him?
"Good night, honey."
Anyone can see it, and I'm saying,
"Good night, honey, sleep tight.
"Don't let the bedbugs bite."
You didn't.
"Don't let the bedbugs bite"?
I did.
- Did you knoW about this?
- No, of course not, Mary Beth.
You and I are the only tWo
people in America
Who did not knoW about it.
His friends kneW. His mother kneW.
- The doorman.
- Mary Beth, I...
- That's not too much, is it?
- No.
I have to go. I just realized something.
I just remembered.
- But I think I left something.
- When are you gonna be back?
I have to see if I'm right.
As soon as I knoW if I'm right...
- I'll be back.
- Well, hoW long's it gonna take you?
I don't knoW.
Just give Annie her supper.
I have to go through some things.
- At least until Mark gets home.
- He be home soon, I'm sure.
He say he go out to buy socks.
Oh, my...
Hi. I knoW I'm late.
I'll be ready in ten minutes.
- Well, look Who's here.
- Daddy say:
For me, huh? For me?
I can't Wear this.
I have to Wear something else.
Having a shoWer, darling?
We'll be late.
I knoW about you
and Thelma Rice.
- I knoW everything. It's all here.
- Shit.
You didn't even
hide the evidence.
You just threW it in a draWer.
- Hotels. Motels.
- Oh, shit.
You couldn't even pay cash,
like a normal philanderer.
You charged everything.
I mean, look at this.
Look at all these floWers
that you bought her.
And you occasionally brought me
home a bunch of Wilted zinnias.
HoW can you do this?
If I'm such a bitch, then tell me.
But don't do this.
We have a baby, Mark.
We have another baby coming.
- Don't you even care about them?
- Of course I care.
Do you love her?
I can't do this.
I can't do this right noW.
Please, don't let this be happening.
Please, just don't let this be happening.
Why can't We go back to the Way
it Was? I promise I'll be the Way I Was.
There's just no point in...
Need that too.
Come on. I'm not gonna
pack this, sWeetheart.
Dad?
Dad?
Dad?
Where is he?
Mom, Where's Daddy?
Where's my father?
Do you knoW?
I just clean, honey.
Della, do you ever...?
I mean, Would you...?
I have errands to do
in the next couple of days,
and I Was just Wondering
if you Would... I have to...
My husband, you knoW,
the one I married at the Wedding?
I left him.
Here.
He's been seeing
someone very tall.
Someone that I knoW,
not very Well,
but I mean,
I've never had lunch With her.
But When I asked him about it,
he said, "Yes."
And he didn't exactly say, "Yes",
but that Was the idea.
I'll stay With the baby.
Thank you.
- Wave bye-bye to Mommy. Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye. Wave bye-bye. I love you.
- Mommy.
If anybody calls... If my husband calls,
just tell him I'm out.
- Bye-bye.
- Mommy.
- Rachel? Rachel. Hi.
- Judith.
HoW are you?
What are you doing in toWn?
- Oh, God.
- Aren't you about to have the baby?
Judith...
...my mother died.
Oh, Rachel.
Are you all right?
- Yes.
- I thought she died a feW years ago.
Well, almost, but then,
you knoW, she didn't.
Rachel...
...I Went through this.
I have to tell you.
You may not realize this noW,
but your mother dying...
I'm not saying it's a blessing,
but on some level, it frees you.
It's not the Worst thing
that can happen.
I knoW, Judith.
Are you free?
- So I left him.
- No. Just like that?
A person does something like that,
you can't stay With him.
No, no. Well, I don't knoW.
I mean, people do. It's just...
Are you sure you don't Want
to give him a little time?
Absolutely not. I am here
because I am through With him,
and I Would like to come back
to Work. Period.
I'm back. I'm gonna be living here
again, and I need my job.
Any time. You knoW that.
I Would've said something to you
When you left, but
"If it doesn't Work,
you can have your job back"
is not What you say to someone
Who's getting married, so...
- Thanks, Richard.
- Sure.
You never really liked him,
did you?
I'm not gonna get into that trap.
You'll go back to him
and hold it against me.
I am never going back With him.
Never.
Do you Want to have dinner tonight?
Oh, I couldn't. Mark might...
I'm sure that he Will turn up,
and I'll have to see him
and finalize the separation.
Make him face the fact that it's over.
- But if he doesn't turn up...
- He'll turn up. He'll turn up.
This is very difficult for him.
He is really not accepting it at all.
I just have to settle it once and for all.
I have to see him.
I have to go.
What time is it noW?
Oh, my God, I'm late.
I have to go.
Hi. Della?
It's Rachel.
Were there any calls?
My husband?
Well, if my husband calls,
Will you tell him that I'm...?
No, don't tell him that.
Tell him that I'll be home soon.
Yes. Don't be too specific about it.
Just say soon.
What? Yes.
Put her on.
Hi, honey.
It's Mommy.
Yes, I'll be home in minutes.
Well, ask Della to shoW you
Where that is on the clock.
Ticktock.
Mommy has to hang up noW,
or I Won't be home in minutes.
Annie, hang the phone up, sWeetie.
Hang the phone up,
so Daddy can call.
Annie?
Annie?
I'm sorry.
Taxi!
Taxi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Nobody called.
Hi.
Tell Mommy about the banana.
- I'll get it.
- What'd you eat?
Oh, nice! And for me!
- Here. And thank you very much.
- Thank you.
Beautiful.
Gotta see Who this is...
I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope.
"Dear Rachel,
so sorry about your mother.
"Just Wanted you to knoW
I'm thinking of you.
"Love, Judith."
Shit! NoW I have to call her.
Good evening.
In our last episode,
Rachel discovered
that her husband, Mark,
is in love with another woman,
the tall, infamous Thelma,
and she has left him.
Taken their tiny, tiny child
and gone to her father's apartment
in New York.
There,
pregnant, penniless and alone,
she has been waiting,
hoping against hope,
as the hours tick by
without a phone call.
Finally, realizing that if there is
no phone call the first day,
there probably won't be one,
or perhaps there will be one,
but a day later.
Rachel closes her weary eyes
and sobs herself to sleep.
Rach.
Mark?
No.
Daddy.
- Where have you been?
- Atlantic City With a lady. A looker.
Gambling. Her money. I lost.
What are you doing here?
Mark has fallen in love
With Thelma Rice.
- Thelma Rice. Do I knoW her?
- No.
No, no, no.
Honey, When Joey Lazarus
fell in love With Zizi Jevay,
he Went to his Wife and said:
"Natalie, I'm in love With Zizi Jevay.
I care for you, We have six kids,
"hope you don't give me any trouble
about seeing them,
"because I can't beat this thing."
And his Wife said to him, "Joey,
"I'm happy for you.
You're in love With Zizi Jevay.
"Hope you'll be very happy With her.
I'm leaving.
"I Won't give you any trouble
about the kids.
"I've raised them for years.
You and Zizi
"can have them."
Yeah, Well, What are you saying?
That I should give Mark the children?
One of them, anyway.
In a couple of months...
...give him the other.
- Are you crazy?
- They're my children.
- A suggestion.
I knoW. I'm...
I just can't do that, Daddy.
Maybe if I had six children.
Men.
I hate them.
AIWays hated them.
You Wonder
Why I hang around With Women.
Because it's men
Who do things like this.
Oh, Daddy.
Oh, noW, noW, noW, noW, noW.
You're a Wonderful person.
He's a shit. And I love you.
I'll do anything I can for you,
you knoW?
- I knoW.
- NoW, I have some neWs.
Gene Kelly called
about my neW project.
Oh, that's Wonderful, Daddy.
Says he hasn't directed in years,
but he might come back for this.
Oh, it's real exciting.
Exciting? The life of Balanchine.
Are you kidding?
Kelly'd be crazy to turn doWn
something like this.
It's a great part for me.
- And maybe you can Write it.
- Oh, Dad.
I miss Mom.
I miss her too.
Although let's face it, she Wasn't
much good at a time like this.
- Yeah, I knoW.
- Although let's face it, neither am I.
Oh, Daddy, What am I gonna do?
There's nothing you can do.
You Want monogamy,
- marry a sWan.
- Oh, no.
You get some sleep.
And I'm going to that little lady
Whose money I lost in Atlantic City.
You sure she still Wants to see you?
I'm in a buyer's market.
Daddy!
Oh, beautiful.
Della?
Della!
I'm going doWntoWn to a sort of
a doctor's appointment.
I hope you're gonna see
a shrink, honey.
And I Will be back
betWeen and : .
- All right?
- OK.
Bye, honey.
Bye!
Sorry. Hold the...
Excuse me,
Would you like to sit doWn?
Thank you.
Hey, I have something
I need to talk about today.
I can't decide Whether to go
to Club Med.
- Diana, I need to talk too.
- When I'm done.
Rachel has something very serious
to talk about.
This is serious. Nobody ever thinks
my problems are serious.
Go ahead.
Mark is...
Mark is in love With someone else.
No, but...
Why does everything happen
to Rachel?
- Nothing ever happens to me.
- Stick it up your ass, Diana.
- Who brought the chopped liver?
- I did.
- Did you make it?
- I bought it. Is that all right?
I Was gonna say it Was delicious.
NoW I don't feel like telling you.
Nothing is ever enough for you, is it?
Every Week, you complain
about the food.
When's the last time
you brought food?
OK.
Everybody on the table.
Money, jeWelry,
anything you got that I Want.
You hold anything back,
and I'll kill the lady, just like this!
- I alWays hated that picture.
- Sidney, this is not the time to speak.
Come on, everything, in this bag.
Move. Your turn, lady.
Come on, the ring.
Get that ring off.
- Come on!
- Are you having trouble?
My finger's sWollen
because I'm pregnant.
I'll get it. Don't panic.
- Pull it.
- I'm pulling it.
- Let me lick it.
- Wait. Here. This does it every time.
Come on. Come on.
Hand me the bag.
Give me the bag.
All right, everybody.
On the floor. FacedoWn.
On your stomachs.
Please don't shoot me,
but I can't lie on my stomach.
Do the best you can.
And nobody move for five minutes.
- I'm really sorry about your ring, lady.
- It's all right.
Don't Worry about it.
Thank you, Mr. BroWnell.
Ms. Samstat?
- This robbery Was not your fault.
- This robbery Was my fault.
I knoW.
- I'm Detective O'Brien.
- Hello.
I Want you to come back.
Is that a neW blazer?
You belong at home.
I love you.
I'm not coming home
if you're gonna see her anymore.
I'm not gonna see her anymore.
Ever.
Not even accidentally.
I said I'm not gonna see her anymore,
and I'm not gonna see her anymore.
I knoW this is difficult for you.
But it's difficult for me too.
All right.
I'll come home.
Good.
NoW you can put the ring back on.
Rachel, for God's sake,
put the ring back on.
- I gave it aWay.
- You What?
I gave it aWay.
You gave the ring aWay?
Not of my oWn free Will.
- Someone took it aWay from you.
- Yes.
Do you Want me to guess Who it Was?
My group Was robbed.
By an outsider
or someone in the group?
By an outsider.
And it isn't funny.
He held a gun to my head.
Maybe I can get a column out of it.
It happened to me. It's mine.
On top of Which, it Was really aWful.
He tWisted my arm.
ShoW Daddy Where, huh?
Oh, shut up.
Well, if We get going,
We could still catch the : .
I did not take it as a personal...
No, I do think adultery...
Are you saying adultery
shouldn't be a cause for divorce?
I'm saying that, in most states,
it is not a cause anymore for divorce.
Are the good times really over
For good?
How to tell if your husband's cheating.
What's the first clue?
It may be a slip of paper
you found in his wallet.
I used to really hate myself for being
suspicious of you and having no proof,
but thank you.
Thank you very much
for giving me proof.
Alone, in the still unfinished house
in Washington,
Rachel has turned on
the television set.
And as she switches channels,
everything she sees
seems to be an echo
of her own dilemma.
Are you behaving yourself?
Yeah. Juanita, can you please...?
I'm on the phone here.
Yes, I baked bread,
and I hung curtains and...
- What do they look like?
- Fine. They look fine.
If you're drunk and one leg
is six inches shorter than the other,
they look even.
What else?
I made chicken stuffed With lemon,
and Mark said, "This is delicious."
I made linguini With clam sauce,
and Mark said,
"It's the best I've ever eaten."
Oh, and I made pork chops
With mustard and cream,
and Mark said, "I never Want
my pork chops cooked any other Way."
I'm being very good.
I'm proud of you.
Thank you.
- I hate this.
- I know, sweetie.
- And I Wish he Were dead.
- I know.
When Arthur was having his little
affair, every time he got on a plane,
I Would imagine the plane crash,
the funeral,
What I Would Wear at the funeral,
flirting at the funeral,
hoW soon I could start dating
after the funeral.
I knoW.
We go into the Warehouse, this huge
Warehouse, as big as a football field,
and hundreds of neat broWn
packing cases
and gigantic crates
all nailed perfectly together.
And in the middle of all this
is this huge mess
of exploded excelsior
and broken crockery.
The only unbroken plate
that arrived.
- We had a fight over Who bought it.
- And We Won.
You promised you'd let us
borroW it every once in a While,
- and have you?
- Take it home With you tonight.
I insist.
That Was really fun, Wasn't it?
- Thank you.
- Thank you to you.
- Good night.
- Good night.
- We see you Monday.
- Have a nice Weekend.
You too.
Can I get you anything?
No.
"Yeah, that really Was fun, Rachel.
"It Was like old times. It reminded me
of hoW much fun We used to have.
"HoW much fun We could still have.
Honey, I love you so much.
"I don't knoW What got into me.
"I knoW hoW hard
this must be for you.
"I knoW hoW aWful and cold
and distant and preoccupied
"and self-involved I must seem,
but please forgive me.
"Can you ever forgive me?"
For instance! For fucking instance!
Listen to me.
Listen to me.
You have to give this time.
You have to have patience.
You can't take its temperature
every five minutes
to see if the fever's gone doWn.
It's the only Way We can do it.
It's the only Way
We Will ever get through it.
Hey.
Petunia, hey, come on.
Come on.
- Hi.
- Hello.
HoW are you?
Good. Can I have a pound
of your ground beef?
Rachel? Rachel,
I Was just gonna call you.
And can you put in some veal
and some pork With it?
I found out Who Thelma Rice
is having the affair With.
And can I have a pound
of your sausage too, please?
- Who?
- You're not going to like it.
- Who is it?
- Arthur.
Arthur Siegel?
They Were seen having drinks
at the Washington Hilton.
Nobody has drinks
at the Washington Hilton
unless something secret's going on.
Arthur is not having an affair
With Thelma Rice.
- HoW do you knoW this?
- I just knoW.
- Tell me.
- OK. Promise you Won't tell anyone.
I promise.
I saW Thelma at the gynecologist's.
She has a horrible infection.
You don't Want to knoW about it.
What? Oh, God!
She made me promise
not to tell anybody.
She almost didn't have to, because
it Was so disgusting, I almost couldn't.
I'm telling you because I Want you to
knoW it's not true about her and Arthur.
Well, then Why Was she
having a drink With him?
She probably Wanted
some legal advice.
You knoW, because she got
the infection in a restaurant.
- A Vietnamese restaurant.
- Not the one on K Street?
SomeWhere in Virginia,
and she Wants to sue them.
Did she get it from the toilet seat
or from something she ate?
From the toilet seat, I guess.
Although I'm not sure.
- Maybe from the spring rolls.
- Oh, God.
Poor Thelma.
- I feel so sorry for her.
- Don't feel too sorry for her.
It's curable.
Eventually.
Yeah, I think I should have
a party for her.
- What?
- For Thelma.
And the three of us should have lunch
Wednesday to plan it.
Wednesday I have to be in NeW York
at the magazine.
OK. Thelma and I
Will have lunch Wednesday.
We'll plan the party.
It'll take Thelma's mind
off her infection.
You could start thinking
about the menu.
Take your mind
off your pregnancy.
- My mind isn't on my pregnancy.
- Start thinking about the menu.
- I Want my lollipop!
- I'll get it.
Thanks very much.
Have a nice day.
Oh, you knoW I Will.
That's it, then.
- We can have this When?
- Monday.
I don't see hoW you can feel
that Way about raisins.
- Rice pudding is a very personal thing.
- Well, let's go With the illustrations.
HoW Will you be able to handle
this from Washington?
I don't have to be here every day
to run a rice pudding competition.
- I'm fine. Really.
- You look terrible.
Well, I alWays look terrible
When I'm this pregnant.
No, you don't.
Can I touch it?
Yes.
Feels like a basketball, doesn't it?
- Did you feel that?
- God.
Jesus. What does that...?
What's that feel like?
It's sort of like I'm a drum,
and I'm being played from the inside.
It doesn't hurt or anything.
Fare, please.
Thank you.
Dear Ms. Samstat,
I am sending this to Washington,
as I understand from your therapist
that you are living there again.
We caught the perpetrator,
and he confessed.
So it will not be necessary
for you to appear in court.
Sincerely yours, Andrew O'Brien.
The diamond's loose.
Thelma came over here yesterday.
She's very angry at you, and so am I.
She had lunch With Betty, and Betty
told her that you said she had herpes.
I never said herpes.
Come here, you little mousy-pie.
Yes.
You must've said something to her.
I said she had an infection.
Mommy brought you a lolly.
An orange lollipop.
I'm sorry. Really, I am.
Well, Thelma's furious at you.
Thelma's furious at me?
That's really rich. Listen, you bastard.
You tell Thelma she comes here
one more time,
I'll tell Betty she has the clap!
- Bullshit.
- I'll get it into a gossip column too.
"What hopelessly tall Washington
hostess has a social disease?"
"And We don't mean
her usual climbing!"
Mrs. Forman,
Annie's lunch is ready.
- Oh, Juanita.
- I Want bottle noW.
- Milk bottle noW?
- Yeah.
- Wanna play spider?
- Yeah.
The itsy-bitsy spider
Went up the waterspout
Down the rain
And washed the spider out
Up came the sun
- And dried up all the rain
- What's that?
Mommy's glasses.
Thank you, sWeet pea.
Let's go eat lunch.
The itsy-bitsy spider
Want some corn?
My corn.
Here you go. Come here.
Let me get you in.
Hot?
Hot? It's not hot.
Oh, Mrs. Forman,
I feel so bad for you.
She come here yesterday.
- I knoW that lady. She's no good.
- I knoW.
I knoW.
I Worked for her ten years ago.
What's Wrong With her?
She's very messy.
Juanita, Would you please ask Mark
to come doWn for a second?
- It's important.
- Yes, Mrs. Forman.
Love it?
Yes?
- Kitty-cat?
- Yeah.
Kitty-cat.
What the hell is it noW?
My Water broke.
Dr. Appel is Waiting for us
on the second floor.
Hold still noW.
Can you feel this, Rachel?
No.
I'm cutting noW.
Tell me about When Annie Was born.
Start When the doctor says,
"There's something Wrong."
The doctor took me aside
in the labor room
and said there Was
something Wrong.
They Were losing the heartbeat.
Maybe the umbilical cord
Was around her neck.
And then We Went over to you,
and he told you that the baby
Was in distress.
And you said:
"Is our baby going to die?"
And he said, "We're gonna do
an emergency cesarean."
And We took you
into the delivery room.
You Were very brave.
I Was terrified.
Then I Went out in the Waiting room.
And there Was a man sitting across
from me, eating a sausage pizza.
In a feW minutes, the doctor came
and took me in the delivery room.
There Was Annie.
Making funny noises.
Like a little tiny dove.
And they put her in my arms.
And you Woke up and said:
"Is that our baby?"
That Was a great day.
Baby's fine.
Hi.
- Oh, more floWers.
- Yeah.
Wait'll you see the cards.
I made you my rice pudding
With an enormous number of raisins.
- Oh, I love rice pudding.
- I knoW.
Oh, hello.
Juanita.
Thanks for coming.
I brought some paella.
Look.
- More rice.
- Oh, Mrs. Forman.
The baby's so beautiful.
Isn't she? I knoW. She's...
Did you...? Did you see the baby?
Oh, yes. She's beautiful.
- She looks just like Rachel.
- Do you think so? I don't see it.
What's that?
Rice pudding.
She loves rice pudding.
I knoW.
- So are you still being good?
- Yes.
Really.
I do not ask,
"HoW are you? HoW are We?"
- "Do you still love her?"
- "Do you still love me?"
- "Is it over?"
- "Is it ever going to be over?"
"What did you give her
for her birthday?"
Oh, Was it Thelma's birthday?
Yeah.
Happy birthday.
- You going to Betty's?
- Yeah. What are you bringing?
- ColeslaW. HoW about you?
- Making key lime pie.
OK.
ThroW them in the back.
Go ahead.
I just have to tighten
the setting a little.
- It'll just take me a couple of minutes.
- That's great.
Here's your candy, kid.
- You alWays loved this ring.
- I knoW.
So hoW did you like the necklace?
The necklace?
- I'm thinking of another customer.
- No, you're not.
I thought Mark had bought a birthday
present When I Was in the hospital.
He shouldn't have done that.
I shouldn't have said anything.
Oh, no, it's OK, Leo. At least
I noW knoW What to be prepared for.
Nothing Worse than opening
a box With a necklace,
When you're not in the mood
for one.
When have you ever not been
in the mood for a necklace?
I can think of circumstances
Where I might not be.
Really.
All done.
- HoW much?
- No charge.
HoW much Would you give me
for the ring?
You don't really Want to sell it?
I really Want to sell it.
Do you really Want to buy it?
I alWays told you
I'd buy this ring from you.
Well, I love the ring, Leo, but it just...
It doesn't go With my life noW.
It Wouldn't have been stolen in the first
place if I didn't Wear it on the subWay.
If you have a ring you can't Wear on
the subWay, you pretty much have to
take cabs all the time.
And then, before you knoW it,
We're broker than We already are.
Mark. He's such a romantic.
He must have spent every penny
of his savings on that necklace.
For the doWn payment.
For the doWn payment.
- It's a beautiful necklace.
- HoW much for the ring?
I asked for a list of her friends,
and she gave me names.
I Wasn't planning on something big,
but What could I do?
- You're having a party for Thelma?
- And Jonathan. Next Saturday.
- You're all invited.
- We're on the list?
Of course. Thelma knoWs
you're my best friends.
You knoW What's going on With her.
Medical problems, legal problems,
rumors their marriage
is falling apart.
You stand by people at a time like
this. I don't Want them to be pariahs.
The minute anyone hears
your marriage is in trouble,
- you may as Well have leprosy.
- Who doesn't Want their green stuff?
- Oh, here.
- Slide it doWn.
NoW, David and Harriet Kaiser.
- I don't even knoW them.
- You don't have to knoW them. Split.
No, I just saW them together.
Why do people alWays say that?
You tell them someone split, and
they say, "We saW them together."
You tell them someone just died, and
they say, "We just saW him alive."
- I hate Harriet Kaiser.
- She Wasn't so bad.
- Never said anything.
- Have I met her?
- I did... I did think she Was a dyke.
- Oh, Dmitri!
HoW could...?
Why didn't you tell me?
I told you. And you said,
"Don't be ridiculous." So...
- Goddamn it.
- Why are you mad at Dmitri?
- Yeah.
- Because she is a dyke.
You see?
- She left him for his secretary.
- Holy shit.
He lost a Wife and a secretary
at the same time.
Well, I can't get over it.
I can't stop thinking about it.
HoW could you be together that
long...? HoW long Was it?
At least as long as
Rachel and Mark, right?
HoW could you be With someone
that long, live With them,
love them, enough to Want
to marry them, and not knoW?
- Oh, he must've knoWn. I kneW.
- Well, he says he didn't knoW.
- Come on.
- HoW could he not?
HoW could you be together that
long and not knoW that?
- Maybe it Wasn't true When they met.
- Of course it Was true.
Oh, you don't just start sleeping
With Women, bang, like that.
Oh, sure you do. It's like getting
allergic to straWberries, right?
You eat straWberries all your life, and
then one day, bang, and you get hives.
No, I do not believe people change
that much. And don't tell me they do.
Don't give me that NeW York
psychological bullshit
about hoW people are capable
of change. They are not.
Which brings me back to my question.
HoW is it possible to live
With someone
and not knoW something
so fundamental?
It's possible.
It is possible to... It is possible...
...Well, to love someone so much,
or to think that you
Want to love them so much
that you just don't even see anything.
You decide to love him.
And you decide to trust him,
and you're in the marriage.
And you're in the...
You're in the day-to-dayness
of the marriage and...
You sort of notice that things are not
the Way they Were, but it's...
It's a...
A distant bell.
And then When things do turn out
to have been Wrong,
it's not that you kneW all along.
It's just that you Were...
...someWhere else.
- You'd have to be living in a dream.
- Yes.
Yes. So...
And then the dream dies.
And the dream breaks into
a million tiny little pieces
Which gives you a choice. You
can stick With it, Which is unbearable,
or you can just go off
and dream another dream.
Can I have the car keys, please?
By the Way, I Won't be able to
come to the party for Thelma.
Oh, shit.
Go bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
Itsy-bitsy spider
Went up the waterspout
Down the rain
And washed the spider out
And up came the sun
And dried up all the rain
And the itsy-bitsy spider
Went up the spout again
- Again?
- Yeah.
Itsy-bitsy spider
Went up the waterspout
Come the rain