Voila! Finally, the Humpday script is here for all you fans of the Lynn Shelton movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. At least you'll have some Humpday quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?
And swing on back to Drew's
Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.
Humpday Script
Mmm.
- Your hair smells good.
- Thank you.
- Is it that pear stuff you got?
- Mm-hmm.
- I like it.
- You like that?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
- I do. Hi.
- Hi.
- Mmm...
- What?
- I'm so tired.
- I'm tired too, shit.
I was hoping you
were going to say that.
I was like--
I was like, are we doing this?
Because I don't know
if I'm really into it.
Man...
- I love you.
- You're awesome.
This is so great.
- Tomorrow though, yeah?
- Yeah, got it on the calendar.
- Great.
- It's actually better.
We can save the charge.
Make it count.
- Save it up.you don't want to waste it.
- Save it up.
- Good night, sweetie.
- Good night, baby.
- I love you.
- I love you too.
Ben Coleman,
you're under arrest
for the 1997
sodomization of...
Shhh!
Shush, quiet quiet,
Anna's in there.
Fuck, that's right!
You've got a wife!
- You're still married.
- What the fuck are you doing, man?
What the fuck!
What the fuck!
What the fuck are
you doing here, man?
What the fuck
is this, dude?
- It's my gravitas, motherfucker.
- Your "gravitas"?
- What's that?
- This?
- Yeah!
- I'm pregnant, man.
Well, look at
that shit.
- What are you doing here?
- Oh, hey!
- Hey, sweetie.
- What's going on?
Andrew-- Andrew
from the wedding.
- I met you at the wedding.
- Oh, wow! Hi!
- Hi! Nice to see you.
- Yeah.
What's going on?
I'm so sorry for waking you up.
I got you a--
a duck...
- in Mexico.
- That is a gorgeous duck.
Thank you very much.
- You know, it's one of these.
- Oh, yeah.yeah, sure.
What a perfect spot.
- You guys, this is amazing.
- Thanks.
No, this is
fucking incredible.
- You got the car, you got the wife...
- Mm-hmm.
- You got the coffee table books.
- Yeah.
Wow.
Good to
see you, man.
- I fucking love you, man.
- I love you too.
I love you so much.
And I will love you.
I don't love you
yet, but just--
- we'll spend a little time together...
- okay.
And I will love you
like I love him.
Ow.
All right, all right,
all right, all right.
Let's get you settled in.
I'm assuming, you know...
- Oh yeah yeah! No, you should.
- Wanted a place to...
- If that's okay with you.
- Of course, of course. Yeah yeah.
Right on, I would
love to, yeah.
Of course you're
gonna sleep with us.
- I'm sure you have a tent somewhere.
- We'll hook you up.
What the hell was that?
- I'm sorry.
- He is amazing!
Yeah, I--
I just want to say for the record
I had no idea he was coming.
He just does this.
- Yeah. no, I mean, I...
- I'm sorry.
I kind of assumed you would've
told me if you had a friend
who was going to show up
at 2:00 in the morning.
I'm sorry.
Oh my God!
He's not normally this hyper.
He'll settle down.
He just gets really excited.
He's like a puppy.
He's like--
Are you guys naked in there?
Hey, man, getting your bed ready.
Come on in.
- I love the hot water shower!
- Feels good, right?
- How's it feel to be clean?
- Amazing.
That shower was like the best
thing that ever happened to me.
Oh good, I'm glad.
All right.
- This room is great.
- Yeah.
I want to go...
- Mountain climbing.
- don't worry about that.
I'm going to--
I think I'm going
to go to bed.
- All right, I'll be right up.
- Okay.
- Good night.
- Good night.
- I love you, sweetie.
- Thank you so much.
- See you in the morning.
- Love you.
I love you now!
- She seems really awesome.
- She's awesome.
Yeah, she seems great.
She is.
I was just saying,
it's crazy...
that I started out the day
in Mexico City and...
- you were in Mexico City today?
- This morning.
- This morning?
- Yeah.
What the fuck are
you doing here, man?
What's going on?
You know
I started out--
I've been living
in San Cristobal de Las Casas
- down in Chiapas and--
- Whabababa?where?
It's a--
it's a state in Mexico.
The southernmost state
in Mexico, but, um, I--
- I've been there.
- Really?
No.
But, you know,
I started out--
I started an art project
with the locals there.
- Mm-hmm.
- And, you know, we've still got,
well, I've got to get
some funding.
I figured
I'd come here and meet
with some grant folks
and some gallery folks.
But, you know,
honestly,
a big part of it
was just--
I was in the airport
in Mexico City going, like,
"Okay, where, you know,
where do I want to go?"
And, um-- and then--
and then I thought
about you.
I felt like it was time,
it was, you know,
kinda well past time
for us to--
it's been a while.
- Yeah, just-- get back--
- It's definitely been a while.
- Get back on a page because--
- Yeah.
I mean, dude,
we got different lives,
but, like, I respect
the fuck out of you
and you're
like my brother.
I respect what you're doing too, man.
I mean, I really do.
I-- I-- I don't exactly know
what it is that you're doing.
I get postcards every now
and then with little snippets,
like something about--
like some princess
and a hat and a smooch.
Dude, that's the hat...
- The hat I showed up in. That's the hat.
- That's the hat?
That's the hat.
In Morocco,
bought for me
by a princess.
- Yeah, she bought me a hat.
- What a wild life you live, my friend.
Yeah.
Here's the thing is--
you always have the option
of doing what I'm doing.
And I don't know
that I so much have
the option of doing
what you're doing.
Oh, it's easy. Go, you know,
you just go to the grocery store,
you find someone with
long hair that's a girl,
start kissing her...
One thing leads
to another, you know?
Then you buy her a ring, you get
married, you buy a house and, you know,
soon enough you're converting
your upstairs office
into-- into
a potential baby room.
- Are you fucking serious?
- Not yet, but we're on the path.
We've officially
removed the goalie
and now we're just
doing free kicks.
- It's more fun that way.
- It is more fun that way.
Dude, that's amazing.
That's kind of like the
biggest thing you'll ever do!
It's kind of big.
It's the biggest thing
anybody will ever do.
Yeah. It's big. It hasn't happened
yet, but, you know, we're hoping.
Look, I should get to bed.
I got to--
I got to go do
the job thing tomorrow.
But, yeah, why don't
we just plan on--
I mean, if you don't
have plans or anything,
you know, maybe tomorrow night
we can just catch up proper.
- Totally.
- All right.
This is weird
seeing you.
Good weird.
All right, man.
Voy a tener
suenos de ti.
Oooba dooba
dabba doobey.
- Hi, baby.
- Hey, sweetie.
- How are you?
- I'm good. How are you?
Oh, I'm just really excited
to get out of here.
Yes, me too.
So I got a call from Andrew,
and he--
this is classic Andrew--
he met someone
at a coffee shop
and now he is hanging
out at her house and--
- Wow.
- Yes!
And she's got roommates
and they're artists.
And he wants me to come
over there and meet them.
So I feel
like I should go
- just to kind of go.
- Oh, you-- no, yeah yeah.
I was hoping we could
all have dinner together.
I just want to get
to know him a little bit.
Yeah.
I was hoping we
could have dinner--
you want to do dinner?
I could make us
some pork chops
or something like that and
get a couple bottles of wine.
and we could just,
you know, hang out...
You're so sweet.
I just love that the guy busts into
your house at 1:30 in the morning
and then you make him
your famous pork chops.
You're awesome.
I love it.
- So I will go wrangle him.
- Yeah?
And we'll be home
as soon as we can get there.
Great great.
I'll have dinner ready.
- I love you, sweetie.
- I love you too, babe.
- Okay. Bye.
- Okay. Bye.
- Hey.I'm--
- Are you Ben?
- Yes, I'm Ben. Hi hi hi.
- I've heard so much about you.
- Oh! Thank you! Thank you!
- Welcome, come on in.
- I didn't get your name.
- Andrew, he's here.
- I'm Monica.
- Monica, okay.
- Jessie, John, Ben.
- Hi, guys.
- Wow, this place is really cool.
- Oh my God...
- Hi, buddy!
- Hello, sir.
- What is this mess?
- Come, give me some love!
- Don't touch me, don't touch me!
- Come here, come here.
Oh, man.
- Yummy!
- What is this thing?
This is my famous
Genoese fettuccine--
Genoese.
Shit, Anna was going to make
her pork chops for us tonight,
like, she makes these famous pork
chops, to kind of welcome you.
- Who's Anna?
- She's my wife.
- She should bring them.
- That's a great idea!
- She should bring them.
- Yeah?
- Tell her to bring them.
- We have this incredible...
- standing Friday night feast, music--
- Okay.
Dionysian.
And I think she might like
to try my fettuccine.
Yeah.well,
I'll call her and see.
- Right on. Check in with the--
- Let's get you a corkscrew.
- Come on into the kitchen.
- All right.
How's it going? Hi.
Lily, Ben;
Ben, Lily.
- Ben.
- Hi, Ben.I'm Lily. Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you too.
How's it going?
- You got some tomatoes there?
- Making a salad.
Do you have a rolling pin?
Is this your domicile?
I end up here a lot 'cause
my girlfriend lives here,
but I actually
live down the street.
- Got it.
- Yeah.
- And your girlfriend is?
- Let's try some water.
That's your girlfriend--
Monica?
Monica.
- Right on.
- They're hitting it off, huh?
Yeah. I didn't want to
say anything at first
because I didn't want
it to be weird, but--
she, you know--
she likes her boy time.
- who am I to deprive her?
- All right, hey.
You know, it's all good,
you know, in the hood.
- Yeah, they're hitting it off.
- Yeah.
- It's cool.
- So,
how do you spend
your days?
- I'm a transportation planner.
- Hey, sweetie.
- Come here, look at you.
- Hi!
- Nice pants.
- Hey, guys.
- How are you?
- Long time no see.
I'm going to make
a quick phone call,
and I'll
be right back.
I'll be-- I'll be back.
- Hey, baby.
- Hey, sweetie. How's it going?
Good good. What time are
you guys going to get here?
Um, well,
I'm here at the house.
So there's a little hiccup.
Andrew, it seems like--
he's wrapped up in potential
dinner plans here,
although I'm not sure it's all
about the dinner. There's this girl.
Right.
There's another girl
that she's interested in.
it's fucking--
I don't even know.
Wha-- oh?
But I'm pretty sure
he's going to stay,
which totally sucks
'cause I know you were, like,
- making an extra effort.
- Well, whatever.
I mean, that's--
that's fine. Okay.
The other option is, of
course, you could come here.
They've invited you.
They definitely want to meet you.
Um, it's
a little weird.
The place is
called Dionysus.
And they're not
kidding.
You're welcome to come...
- and "Dionyse" here.
- Wow.
No, I think I'll stay and
hang out with my pork chops.
Okay. All right.
I'm going to, um,
put in a little face time and
then I'm going to come home.
And you and I are
going to share pork.
That's great.
And then there was,
you know, obviously--
our plan for the evening, which
we should do, don't you think?
Okay, yeah,
that sounds nice.
And...
sorry, I'm just trying
to figure out
if this is a girl or a boy
on the wall here.
Anyway, I'm going to
be home in an hour.
Okay okay.
Hopefully nothing terrible
will have happened to me.
All right. Well, you and I are
going to have a great dinner.
- Yes, I'm looking forward to it.
- And Andrew can suck it.
- I love you.
- I love you too, babe.
- Okay. Bye. I'm sorry.
- All right, bye.
Fuck.
See, dude, we have
to talk about something.
Fuck off.
- Do you even know what it is?
- Fuck off.
- It counts your steps.
- It's a pedometer.
- What's so funny?
- It counts your steps.
I mean, that's so,
that's so...
Body parts touching and moving in ways
where you can't necessarily
tell what's what or who's whose,
or how many there are.
They're really gorgeous.
They're really really...
- just aesthetically beautiful.
- Yeah, that's the point.
You know, there's this sort
spirituality of that I really like.
Melding
the connection,
the two bodies
becoming one
indiscernible, emotional--
I'm just covering myself with
peanut butter and letting tangent,
My dog, lick if off.
I love you.
Whatever floats your boat.
You do your sensitive
spiritual thing.
What the fuck are
you guys talking about?
Do you know about
Humpfest? You know,
- the amateur porn festival?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah.
No, I have no idea
what you're talking about.
Okay, dude, "The Stranger,"
the newspaper, has this
amateur porn festival
where everybody
makes and-- and--
I think, you know, the type
of people who are making them
are making very
creatively-based
- "porn" films,
- Got it. Got it.
Alternative.
Porn films-- and
everybody screens them.
And then at the end
of it, you know,
they burn the tapes
and that's it.
So it's like this
awesome art project.
- Cool.
- we're all doing one.
- I'm doing one.totally.
- Really? You're doing one?
- You're doing one?
- Fuck, yeah!
- What are you doing?
- Wait a minute.
- What are you going to do?
- Something amazing.
I will make--
I will make the raddest,
most awesome,
most beautiful,
- most profound, most poetic--
- I got it, actually.
What's that?
All right. This blows
people away, okay?
Uh-huh.
It's you in a room.
And you're having sex with a girl
with blonde hair
with huge fake tits.
It will fucking blow everybody away--
An unprecedented
art porn film.
You have never seen me
boning before.
I haven't seen
you boning before, no.
- But this sounds--
- It is a work of art.
What are you talking about?
What are you
talking about?
You ain't making a porno.
I'm making an art film.
I'm making an erotic--
You're gonna make an art film?
An erotic art film.
- Fuck you.
- What? I just don't see--
Dude, don't hate.
Don't hate 'cause you can't play.
Don't hate 'cause you can't play
'cause you're all fucking locked up
- ball-and-chain domestic style.
- What the fuck are you talking about?
- Don't fucking hate on me.
- What?!
That doesn't mean
I can't make porn!
- Okay, what kind of porn?
- I can go make porn if I want to.
Yeah? What kind
of porn would you make?
- What kind of porn would I make?
- Yeah.
Let's see. Well, first of all,
how are we going to get a camera?
We need-- if you're
going to be in it,
we're going to need
a macro lens.
And--
- How are we going to do that?
-Ouch.
- That's complicated. Wait a minute.
- Poor thing.
Bring it, bring it.
You know,
I think you guys maybe--
- sticks and stones.
-Um,
seriously, I feel like,
you know, you go to google
you do a search for any kind
of porn-- it's been done.
If you're going to do this,
you have to do something unique.
Otherwise it's like, what the fuck?
Who cares?
- Right?
- Totally.
I should
just fuck you.
Nah, we do that
all the time.
I'm so sick of that. Everybody's
sick of watching that, you know?
It's not like
there isn't gay porn.
It's not like there aren't
lots of movies with guys.
But they're not gay.
There's a lot
of dude-on-dude porn.
But there's not
a lot of dude-on-dude
- who are... not gay.
- Could you even--
Totally.
If you could do it,
that would be amazing.
I don't know if you
could actually do it.
As in-- as in like,
I'll fucking--
I'll pop a fucking
pill and I'll be...
I mean-- okay,
this is what we're doing.
You guys are onto something.
This is what we're doing.
- What are we doing?
- You and me,
- two straight dudes...
- Mm-hmm.
Straight balling.
Beyond gay.
- Beyond gay.
- It's beyond gay.
I know you're like
this is all a joke,
but if you will film
realizing this incredible way
to express your love
- for your longtime friend, I--
- It's tender.
- Tender is the butt.
- You know what it is?
I will bow down
and give you the trophy.
That would be an
incredible piece of art.
It would be beautiful. It would
be a beautiful beautiful thing.
It's kind of fucking amazing, dude.
I mean, you do this,
you close out the festival.
We come home with the trophy.
Dude, I fuck--
I love you...
It's definitely
beyond straight.
...but in a million years,
when you wake up
and you're a little bit sober,
you would
never do that.
Even in your craziest days
you would never do that shit.
Okay, I'm going to book
a hotel room for us
- right now.
- Uh-huh.
And we're going to fucking
get some sweet-ass equipment,
and we're going to shoot a
fucking sweet-ass porn film.
- I'm going to book it right now.
- Awesome.
What are you doing
Sunday night?
Sunday night?
Boning the shit out of you.
I'm-- no.
Nope, wrong. Getting the
shit boned out of you by me.
- No, boning the shit out of you.
- I'm calling 411 right now.
- We'll fucking draw straws.
- I'm calling 411 right now.
- Let me hear it.
- You want to hear it?
All right
here it comes.
I'll hang up if you want me to.
I'll let you off the hook.
- Do you want me to hang up?
- Don't try to get off the hook,
'cause you're trying
to get off the hook.
Hello?
I'm sorry, what
city and state, please?
Seattle, Washington.
- Thank you. What listing?
- I'd like the phone number
- for the Boning Motel, please.
- Boni? Is that B-O-N-I?
- B-O-N-I-N.
One moment.
I'll hang up.
I'll hang up right now.
- Fuck!
- All right. Get the camera.
Get the camera. What am I supposed
to do here? What's the angle?
First you
pull down your pants.
What's the angle on this?
Did you stick it in yet?
'Cause I don't feel anything.
Do you want me
to get a diagram out?
Oh, you'll know.
You won't have to ask.
You won't have to ask.
Whoa.
Good morning.
Pleasant surprise.
Hello.
I really don't want
to talk to you right now.
You want to have sex with me,
- you don't want to talk to me?
- I spent a lot of time last night
being mad at you and I just don't
want to talk to you right now.
I'm not comfortable with-- I'm
not-- what the fuck is this?
I'm not really--
what are we doing here?
Forget it.
Whoa, I'm sorry.
I just think
that's a little weird.
What happened
last night?!
I spent so much time really
trying not to be mad at you,
trying to just understand, but, you know,
you didn't give me much to work with.
So can you please explain
to me what happened?
Can we just go back
a second, real quick?
You just came in here and
mounted me like a horse.
And you wouldn't even
let me kiss you.
You remember that I'm
ovulating right now?
And that we have
this tiny little window
that actually pretty much
ended last night?
And I was just kind of hoping we
might be able to finish it today but--
all right. I'm sorry, all right?
I'm sorry. You're right.
- I screwed up, okay?
- I just want to know what happened.
I just need you
to make me understand.
Andrew was there.
He's just like a wild card
and I was trying
to just look after him.
And then he was
pouring shit.
I got a little drunk and I just
needed to sober up before I came home.
And it took you
until 3:00 a.m.
To sober up
to come home?
I just-- I'm not
buying it, Ben.
I mean, you know,
Andrew's a big boy.
He's been out fucking
herding goats
or whatever he does, and
you have to look after him?
I don't get it!
All right,
all right, all right.
It was kind of fun.
Oh.
I mean, look, I'm not going to
hang out with them every weekend.
These people aren't going
to be my best friends.
But it was fun for a night to
experience some different people
and some different
conversation.
And I enjoyed it,
okay?
I just feel like,
on the eve of us
making a family
and having kids,
we shouldn't be subscribing
so much to that lifestyle
that we close ourselves off
completely from other experiences.
If anything, I think we should
do more of those kinds of things,
- you know what I'm saying? As parents.
- Where's the "we" in this?
You left me with some
fucking pork chops last night.
I invited you.
I mean, I invited you.
You invited me
in the most half-ass, like--
- that was before--
- "I don't know if you'll like it here.
It's really boring
and weird and uncomfortable,
but you should totally come down.
- What do you think I'm going to do?
I know, but that was before it got
kind of fun. So I'm sorry, all right?
I don't know, man. I mean,
I got to say, just for a second,
I know it was my fault
and I screwed up.
But I'm a pretty great
husband and I'm always on time
and I'm always stuff.
And I screwed up, like, one night.
I feel like
I deserve just like--
can I just get a "get out
of jail free" card?
Like I just--
can I just get
a pass on this one?
I just don't even
know what to do with that.
- Yeah, get out of jail free!
- And it was not fair.
I mean, that's fine.
I'm going to go take a shower.
- We can talk about this.
- It's fine.
You're right, it's cool.
I shouldn't be mad.
I'm sorry.
That was my fault.
I'm grumpy
and I'm tired and--
can you come back
to bed, please?
- Yo.
- Hey.
Hey.
- Oh, coffee?
- El cafe.
Good deal.
Oh fuck.
It's fucking
right there.
- Um, can I get that spoon?
- mm-hmm.
Thanks.
Is this salt or sugar?
That's salt.
You don't want that.
I mean, you might
want that.
No, that's not what I want.
Do you have sugar?
Yeah, it's up there
in that cabinet up there.
Do you happen
to have anise seed?
- Have what?
- Anise?
No, I don't have anise.
What-- anise?
Anise. It's like a--
it's like a herb.
- It's like a licorice seed.
- The seed-- no, I don't.
Well, it would be up there
if it was here.
I didn't see it.
I'm sorry for poking around, but--
No, that's fine,
That's fine.
Does that work?
Give me that.
Do you just suck on it
or do you swallow it?
- It's got to go under your tongue.
- Under my tongue?
You kind of just
let it dissolve.
Dissolve?
You're supposed to mix it
with anise. It works better.
It's something
about the alkaline.
Mm-hmm.
I learned this
in Machu Picchu.
- Mm-hmm.
- Is it working?
No.
What are you up
to today?
I want to get
some exercise.
And I want
to throw up.
- You want to throw up?
- I want to throw up.
I got this nasty shit in my
stomach and I want to throw up.
It'll make me feel better.
So I'm going to go out and throw up.
Sounds like
a well-spent day.
What are you up to?
Um, well...
you know, I wanted
to go and see some art
and maybe get laid.
But throwing up sounds
like a good alternative.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah yeah yeah!
- Nice!
- Yeah!
Good shot.
- Four to one.
- Fuck, yeah.
- That's good.
- Do you have four?
I've got four, yeah.
Get some shit going.
Fuck, oh!
Shit, man.
Dude, watch the dogshit.
- Watch out, here.
- So that's a foul.
Just so you know.
- On me or on you?
- That's a foul on you, yeah.
- What did I do?
- Um, I was planted...
'cause you did kind of kick
me in the balls a little bit.
That was after you
threw me onto the grass.
I got a little ringing
in my balls right now.
That was after you threw me
on the grass. So it's my ball.
Oi!
All right, six to one.
My ball.
Dude, I think you've
had the ball enough.
Daddy wants the ball?
Okay, daddy wants the ball.
- Go ahead.
- Daddy had the ball.
Daddy had
the ball plenty.
Yep, missed
that one.
Now let's do this.
Six-one.
Ref!
Yeah, seven-one.
- Let's just keep playing.
- Why don't you give me the ball?
- Seven-one.
- Why don't you give me the ball?
Get off.
Fuck!
Get off!
Okay, dude, fucking
give me the ball!
- Aw, fuck!
- Oh, Jesus!
Get off! Fuck!
Fuck.
Hey.
That fucking hurt.
That's my bad.
Sorry about that.
- You okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
- You sure?
- Yeah.
I fucking hate
basketball.
Well, my body
hurts like shit,
but my hangover's gone.
It works, doesn't it?
Now all you need is somebody
to rub your face in dogshit
and that
takes care of it.
- I'm sorry if that was, uh--
- No no.
I'm--
I'm sure
that was just...
post-last night
residual weirdness.
Weirdy weird.
Yeah.
I was waiting for somebody
to talk about that.
Dude, I'm sorry
about that.it's--
- It's fine.
- No, it's just a fucking weird scene
- to bring you in on.
- You know,
it was a weird night and,
you know, it happened, and...
you know, nothing you
need to apologize about.
- It's just--
- I mean, come on.
I fucking roll into town and
all of a sudden, you know,
you're drunk and talking
about fucking dudes
and your wife is waiting
at home with a cold dinner
- That she cooked for us.
- Yeah, I know, but, I mean,
you know, she's-- she's fine
and I made that decision.
It's wasn't like you dragged me
into it and forced me to stay there.
I could've come home.
And I wanted to stay
and I had a good time
and, you know,
I don't want you
to apologize for that.
I get it and, look, we've known
each other a long fucking time.
And like I said
last night, you know,
We've got really fucking
different lives now.
It's true.
And I get that
in the paradigm
in which you live,
these weird conversations
are not things
that are really appropriate
and that, you know,
that I don't-- I don't
think any less of you for it.
That-- you know, that--
first of all,
let's just, like, take the--
take this down
just a second.
You're not as kerouac
as you think you are,
even though you've
got the headband on.
And I'm not as white picket fence
as you think I am, okay?
Like, the black and whites
in which you're thinking this
- is a little bit extreme, okay?
- Look, I'm saying it--
it's an awesome idea for an
art project, but I understand.
I think it's
an awesome idea too.
Yeah, but I understand
that it's not something
that you can really
do in your station.
That's kind of what
I have a problem with.
I feel like
you're trying to...
I don't know, man.
Like, what--
Dude, I'm just--
I'm not going to force
you to have sex with me.
That is over, okay?
You don't need to, like--
you're not forcing me.
I mean, if anything,
I'm calling it out
and going, like,
look-- fucking look--
last night was last night.
Yes. Yes.
We were drunk.
It fucking happened.
And I'm not
holding you to it,
- I guess is what I'm saying.
- I know.
But what I'm saying is you don't need
to come here and let me off of the hook
based on some preconception
of who you think I am, okay?
- It's not--
- You just worry about yourself
and I'll worry
about myself, okay?
If that is something
that I wanted to do,
then I would do it.
And it's not--
I'm not limited
because I'm married, you know?
Anna and I have
a strong relationship.
You don't really understand what a
marriage is 'cause you are single.
And I appreciate that you think
you have an idea, but you don't.
We have the type of relationship
where if we want to do things,
we will do them.
Does that make sense?
I'm just-- I'm trying--
You're trying to make
my decision for me.
I'm not trying to make
your decision for you.
I'm just trying to be your friend
and let you know that it's cool.
That, like, I get it that
we're in different spots.
- I know you're saying all this shit--
- Andrew, you need to--
You need to shut
up for a second.
Okay.
You're making yourself sound
very close-minded and like a fool.
- All right.
- Stop trying to let me off the hook.
Because you know
what it sounds like?
It sounds like you're trying
to put this off on me
as to why we're not doing it
because you can't handle it.
Straight up,
- straight up, straight up.
- Straight up.
You would have sex with
me on film for this project
- tomorrow night?
- I could absolutely do this.
You could
or you would?
I would do it.
- You would?
- Yeah.
'Cause I would.
- Really?
- Totally.
But I don't think we should do this
'cause neither one of us wants to back down.
This shouldn't be about us
challenging each other.
This should be about us.
If we want to make a piece of art,
we should make
a piece of art together.
I think the idea is fucking weird,
but I think it's great.
It's weird but it's amazing
and it pushes boundaries.
And that's what good
pieces of art should do.
Do you at least have
to talk to your wife?
Yeah, I do. And I'll have a
conversation with her about it.
You think she's going
to be cool with it?
Absolutely
she's going--
I can't predict what she's going to say,
but I'm going to have a discussion with her.
I will say "okay, this is an art
project that I am thinking about doing."
And we'll discuss it
and if she's not cool with it,
then, you know,
I won't do it.
But, the thing is,
I think she will be
because she understands me and that's
what a marriage is: People who are there
to support each other
and grow and do things.
Great.
And we have that
kind of relationship.
Okay?
- You don't believe me.
- No, dude--
- I think you're freaking out about this!
- No no no.
- No, listen--
- You don't have to do this.
If you go talk to Anna
and you come back to me
and you say it's on,
it is fucking on.
Just erase
what you just said
'cause I will handle the
situation with Anna, okay?
- So you're telling me right now it's on.
- It's on.
- Straight up, it's on?
- I'm not kidding you.
- Tomorrow night?
- Yeah, tomorrow night.
If you're going to back out,
do it now, because I'm serious.
Yeah. Well,
I'll be there.
Okay. Me too.
- Hello-oo!
- Hi.
Welcome home.
Wow, that's, um--
- This is really nice.
- I'm sorry.
It was my fault.
Last night was stupid of me.
- I'm sorry. I love you.
- I'm sorry too.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome. I'm really--
this is--
this is nice.
I just want
to be us, okay?
- Yeah.
- I love you.
Thanks.
I'm going to put my bag down
- and come-- wow!
- Okay. Come sit
and I will rub your
feet and serve you...
...and do all those things.
So there's something kind of
important I wanted to talk to you about.
It's kind of
an elephant in the room,
or if you will,
a duck in the room.
And I just want to say thank you for
allowing that to sit on our mantel.
Oh, but it can go away, right?
As soon as he leaves--
God bless his soul.
Yeah, as soon as he leaves,
it can go away.
It can just go down
and live in the storage room?
The fact that you are allowing
that to stay up while he's here
is a testament to how
amazing a woman you are.
It's just classic Andrew.
I mean, it's weird.
- This was really good by the way.
- Oh, thank you.
- I'm glad you dug it.
- Yeah, I really appreciate it.
You're welcome.
Um, but, yeah,
back to the Andrew thing,
I mean, he's just--
he's just lost, you know?
Um, and even last night,
you know,
I just was watching him
at that party
and he's just, like, trying to get
something going in his life, you know?
The good news is
actually
he met some people
there last night,
you know, kind of just his
kind of peeps. And they, um,
they're all involved
in this sort of art festival.
And they've invited Andrew
to be a part of it...
Wow.
...and sort of add his own
piece to the festival.
That's great.
So he's totally psyched.
And he's, like,
"Oh, man, I need your help!"
So I was like,
- "sure, of course I'll help."
- Oh, that's so cool.
Not that I know art.
No, that'll be great though.
That's so great.
Is it a festival that
they put on themselves?
It's this cool thing, actually,
that "the stranger" does.
It's like this film festival
that they put on every year.
I hadn't heard of it. And
they make these kind of artsy
- films about--
- It's not Humpfest?
- What's that?
- It's not Humpfest, is it?
Um, I'm not
exactly sure.
- That might...
- The-- the porn festival?
"The stranger" does a
porn festival every year.
I didn't know necessarily what it
was because I hadn't heard of it
but their take on it was
it's an art festival
that is about reclaiming
pornography back to an art place
instead of like a disgusting
place that we all know it as--
- was my understanding of the project.
- Is--
is somebody having
sex in his film?
Yes, as far as
I understand.
And what are you doing with the--
I just told them I would help, you
know? So I'm just going to like--
you know, lackey stuff is
what I'm assuming, you know?
I don't know what the...
job roles or titles are
or would be,
but I'm assuming
I would, like, um...
maybe I can like make them
breakfast or something, you know?
Like feed the crew 'cause I know
it's like a low-budget kind of thing.
Or I could bring
coffee in or, um,
you know, if they needed
like copies or something,
I could just run to Kinko's
and make some copies,
or, I mean, I don't know.
I think I just--
I'm not an artist and, you know,
that's not my thing.
And so I just want to lend my
support 'cause he's super excited
and they're going
to do it tomorrow night.
And I figured, "you know what?
I should lend a hand on that."
So, you know, I thought
that was pretty cool.
Um...
I don't know,
you know,
I thought it was...
you know, we don't have to--
we can talk about this later.
Let's just enjoy
our dinner, okay?
I love you.
Ho!
I just touched some rubber cocks.
- Did she scare you?
- Dude, who the fuck are those for?
Don't be scared.
They don't bite.
Hey-yy...
How about we go au naturel
for a while?
Au naturel? I already
have a lover with a cock.
This is what
- I want to do tonight.
- It's true. And I don't want...
- right right, but--
- ...one cock to disappear
because there's a new cock in town.
Like, it's just--
that's not the way
it's going to happen.
I'm sorry.
Look, let's
try, maybe for tonight,
using my machinery.
See how it goes
and if all parties
aren't satisfied...
Then we can bring--
- Oh.
- That's just not how it goes.
- It's just not how it goes, honey.
- You know--
- It's not, I'm sorry.
- Uh-huh.
All right.
No.yeah.
- Aww.
- No no no, it's cool.
- You really don't have to be threatened.
- Yeah.
No no, it's--
no, it's cool.
It's cool. It's cool. It's
cool. It's cool. I'm just--
Yeah.
- I'm really disappointed.
- Yeah, me too.
- It doesn't--
- No, I'm sorry.
- I'm such a fucking square.
- Oh.
I'm sure that I will
see you some other time,
some other place.
And, um,
au revoir.
Boys.
Fucking boys.
Hey.
- Hey.
- I didn't mean to startle you.
- shit, I'm sorry.
- That's really sweet of you to clean up.
- Oh, no no, it's nothing.
-
I was just going to
get a glass of water.
I still have a couple
yet to wash though.
Just leave them. I'll do them
in the morning. It's no big deal.
I can-- I can finish.
You guys had
a nice dinner?
Yeah yeah!
Ben cooked.
- It was really-- it was great.
- Oh, that's very sweet.
The leftovers on the plates as I was
scraping them off smelled very good.
There's more in the fridge.
Have you eaten?
No no no.
I wasn't fishing.
I just-- you know,
it was a dumb
compliment. Sorry.
Are you, um,
how was your night?
It was-- it was strange.
It was all right.
It was all right.
- I should go to bed.
- Oh, really?
Um, do you, um--
do you wanna--
do you want to have a drink with me?
I just-- I feel like I
haven't had a chance
to get to know you at all
and I'd-- I'd love to.
- Yeah, sure. Totally.
- Yeah?
Okay, cool. I just--
I got some, um--
we got some scotch
when we moved in
and I guess it's
really good. Um...
And-- and,
like, I was going to
perform spoken-word poetry.
I had to write a paper.
Well, listen.
Listen listen.
So he literally pulled out
for a non-paid internship.
- Wow!
- And he backs out.
He backs out on the entire trip
which we had been planning forever,
which we've got nicknames for-- like,
we were calling each other Sal and Dean.
It's like, you know?
And I did--
I did the trip,
but, um, uh...
I couldn't actually
manage to turn anything in.
So I never graduated. And that
is why I'm not a college graduate.
That's so sad!
And I still to this
day blame your husband.
As well you should.
What a dick!
Totally.
- Dude, you're cool.
- Oh, I'm so glad you like me!
- You are far cooler than you look.
- Oh...
no, I didn't--
no, I didn't mean that.
- I just meant that--
- no, I get it.
What I meant was--
what I meant-- what I meant--
was that I am a dick
close-minded motherfucker
is what I meant.
- No, it's--
- Because--
I'm sure I look like,
you know, Betty Crocker
with my white
picket fence outside.
No no no, but seriously.
And, you know, that's what
Ben was saying and I just--
like I'm just now
realizing that he was right
which is-- he was like,
"dude, don't judge me.
Just because I have
pleats and a pedometer.
And a wife doesn't mean
that, like, you know."
The pedometer is pretty
sexy, I've got to say.
You like that shit?
We got a plan for the
pedometer for tomorrow.
- Really?
- We've got a whole thing, yeah.
What's your-- oh right!
Oh my God, I can't believe I
haven't grilled you about this yet!
Tell me!
Tell me all about this. I cannot
wait to hear about it.
So-- so he talked to you
about that whole thing.
Yeah.
This is weird.
Well, I mean, you're going to have
to get used to talking about it.
I guess so. I mean, it's weird,
but, like, you're awesome.
And you're making it
less weird, which is great.
Well, I just--
I guess I just feel like,
in the long run, what's
the big deal, right?
- I mean...
- Totally.
Totally.
I just don't know...
I mean, I just
have to say, like,
that's astoundingly
open-minded of you
- in a really good way.
- Jesus, I guess I just--
I just didn't really
realize what kind of a square
you thought I was before.
No, it's just that--
you know, I mean,
there are people
who I know who are like
in kind of secretly
polyamorous relationships,
but it's only the people, like,
who are really fucking honest
which is what Ben said that
you guys were to each other,
who actually make it function.
But, you know, it's--
I mean, not that
it's polyamorous.
It's like one fucking night.
It's not like--
it's not like
it has to have...
What are you talking about?
...implications for
your whole relationship
- or anything.
- I have no idea what
- you're talking about.
- Me and Ben having sex on film is like,
you know, is kind of crazy.
Hang on.
Wait wait wait.
So...
so the movie
tomorrow is--
is-- is you and Ben
having sex?
Right.
- Oh, well, no. Not-- not--
- Yeah.
- Wait wait wait wait.what--
- Ben.
- Ben!Ben!
- No no no, he-- wait wait wait.
- Wait, it's not--
- No no, it's okay.
- It's fine. It's fine.Ben!
- No no no no, it's not.
What happened?
What happened, what happened?
What's going on? What happened?
- I--
- Did you do something?
Shut the fuck up,
both of you, right now.
- Okay okay okay.
- What the fuck is going on in here?
You said you were going to
tell her and she said she knew
and then I just talked about
it and I guess she didn't know.
You told her?
"You told her?"
Dude, you said you were
going to tell her at dinner.
- I was going to tell her.
- We were talking and I got--
I planned on telling you
at dinner and I got-- fuck!
- Okay.
- are you--
this is not the way I wanted
this to come out.
I wanted to tell you at dinner.
I planned on telling you.
It just-- the conversation
didn't go well.
I could see you were freaking
out about the word porn
- and the porn angle.
- "Freaking out"-- I was freaking out.
I'll show-- I-I--
I cannot even believe
I'm standing in my kitchen
talking to you about...
- okay.
- ...making a porn film with him!
- Okay.
- Tomorrow? I mean,
I just, I--
Ah-hh!
- Just-- what the fuck!?
-Okay. All right.
Okay.
Okay okay okay.
Let's just calm down for a second.
Let's just--
I just-- can you--
can you tell me why?
Why is this
even happening?
Just-- just calm down.
Can we go in the bedroom
and have a conversation,
please?
I'm right here. Let's
have a conversation.
Okay.
I need you to tell me
why you're doing this.
I don't know
why I'm doing this.
I know it's
important to me
and I don't see the reason why we
have to get all worked up about it.
I'm going to go to bed.
I should, um--
I should go talk to her.
I'm so sorry.
Dude, it's not your fault.
It's not your fault.
Not even. Nope.
I'm-- I'm gonna--
should I go
somewhere else?
I just don't know if it will
help or hurt if I'm here.
- You're fine. You're fine.
- Okay.
- Yeah, you're fine.
- All right.
I think I basically
just need to sit with her
and I need to...
just talk it out.
She's pretty good about, um...
I'm beginning to feel
like a total fucking fraud.
I guess that the way I
like to think of myself
and the way
I actually am are...
um...
maybe more different
- than I'd like them to be, you know?
- Mm-hmm.
I think I was 17 when
somebody asked me, you know,
what do I want
to do when I grow up.
And I said I wanted
to be an artist.
And I don't think...
no, actually I know
I've never completed
a single fucking project
in my entire life.
Can I tell you something I've
never told anyone before?
Yeah.
When I first moved to
Seattle, when I was 18,
I was really lonely.
I would just rent
movies all the time
because I didn't
have any friends.
And there was this guy--
a video-store clerk
there
who recommended a Frank Lloyd Wright
documentary to me
and I normally don't
take recommendations,
but I was like "sure." Something
about him made me just say "sure."
I watched it and it was
kind of dry, you know,
and kind of boring
and I brought it back
to the store the next day.
And he looked at me
and I told him that I
thought it was great.
I don't know why I did that because
I'm not really a people pleaser,
but there was
something about him.
And then I quickly discovered
that it was the first disc
in a 10-disc series.
So he handed me disc two
which I went home and watched
and liked even less.
And I was determined to go back
and tell him
the truth this time.
And when I got there
and I looked at him,
I said,
"disc two was even better
than the first one."
And it continued on
in this cycle.
I would see him every day and rent
discs all the way through disc 10.
And when I was done,
I was really sad
that we weren't going to have that
to talk about in the store anymore.
So I went home
and I couldn't stop
thinking about him
and those, like,
dorky-hemmed jean shorts
and his pale,
kind of overly hairy legs
and then just the blue eyes
just popping out.
And I started
imagining kissing him
and it wasn't
actually that weird.
And then I started
thinking about his balls...
And like how hairy
they would be
and I got so freaked out
and I never went to
Island Video ever again.
I just feel like you should
know that because, you know,
I know I'm pretty sure
my motives are pure,
but I mean I had
a moment with that guy,
like I felt something.
You know?
Yeah.
Um...
I don't think I've ever
had one of those moments.
It's pretty weird.
But again it's
almost like, um...
I'm around all these
very open-minded people,
these artists and these
travelers all the time.
And I almost get
embarrassed, like,
that, you know,
I haven't been with a guy
or that my mind is
not open in that way.
I wasn't with this guy.
I just, you know...
- No, I'm not--
- just making--
- I'm not saying that you were.
- I'm just making sure you know that.
No, I'm just saying
for me that, um...
Yeah.
Dude, you're not gay.
I don't think I'm gay.
I just thought--
No. I mean, you're
pretty solidly not gay.
I think-- yeah. I think the
same thing about you too.
I just-- I just--
I wish I was more gay.
I feel like--
tomorrow would be
more fun.
Oh, tomorrow.
How you doing?
It was a long night.
Yeah.
Okay, um...
I don't really
understand...
why I want to do this.
I just know
that I feel pretty
deeply compelled.
Um...
and the only way I can
think to explain it is like
I have, you know,
different sides to me,
different sides to my
personality, you know?
And when we met, one of those sides in
particular really connected with you.
And it was exciting. And I was
excited to build a life with you
and to get married and buy
a house and have children.
And that side swelled
and grew so big
that it became an ogre
and crushed all
the other sides to me.
And...
I think that's fine
in general.
Actually,
you know what?
It's probably not fine,
because I'm here right now
wanting to do this and--
then you
should do it.
Really?
Yeah.
Are you serious?
You know--
You talk about how you've got all
these other sides to your personality
as though I'm a cardboard
cutout that, you know,
stands in the kitchen
and makes dinner.
There's just
as much to my world
that doesn't involve you
as there is to yours.
There are just as many parts of me
that aren't necessarily fed by this.
Okay okay, that's fair.
Like what?
God.uh--
When I went back
to visit molly...
um, about a year
and a half ago...
we went to a party
that some of her friends were
having in this crazy loft thing.
And, um,
I had a lot
to drink...
and I made out with
somebody in the bathroom.
And it was great.
And, um...
I--
I was so happy
to come home
after that.
I just knew what I was
coming home to, you know?
And I knew
what I wanted.
But you said
it was great.
It was.it was.
- It was great.
- Wow.
Wow.
Um...
Okay.
All right.
It's like pistons firing
in my body are just prepared
to give you one of my
classic guilt trips.
And...
um...
I guess I can't
really say shit.
I thought you were
just saying that
when you said there were other
sides to you. I didn't realize...
- wow.
- Look,
I'm not going
to pretend to get
what this is
that you're after
with this whole
thing with Andrew.
I don't know that I'll
ever be able to understand.
I really want to
guilt you right now.
Shut up and just listen to
me for a minute, would you?
I really--
- I just--
- fuck.
And I know that it's
not the same thing,
but I feel like you
have to see this through
because I don't want
to live with you
with that
buried in you.
I just-- I need you
to get this out of you
or decide that it--
you know,
that it's bigger.
But I think that it's better
that you figure that out now
before we have a baby.
Wow.
Who's there?
Who is it?
Howdy, partner.
Come on in.
I got us a honeymoon suite.
Check it out.
Hey.
- Hey, yo.
- Nothing but the best.
Come on in.
Put your bag down.
It's, uh...
- very beige.
- Yeah.
It's got
all the basics,
got all
the elements.
Dude, I got the camera here.
Check it out.
All right.
It's not exactly what
we envisioned, but...
just if you think
about it another way,
like straight-- just home--
It's like straight home movie.
Think about it though.
Yeah, it's like--
what this is about
is about two dudes--
it's like $Czechoslovakian porn.
It's like we don't
know how to make porn.
We make it with this,
you know what I'm saying?
- Okay.
- So that's part of the slant though,
which is like--
I'm guessing you didn't
get me a star filter.
I didn't get you a
star filter, but apparently
there's actually
effects inside of here.
Okay.
Or we can put it
in iMovie
- and just do shit with it too.
- Awesome.
I don't know.
I'm thinking about this project
and I'm thinking about what makes this
really really interesting, you know?
And it was always the fact
that it was two dudes--
- two straight dudes boning.
- Mm-hmm.
Okay?
So how the fuck are they going to know
that we're straight unless we tell them?
Unless we, like,
you know--
do like a testimonial
kind of thing?
- yeah.
- That's what I'm talking about.
I mean, I do think
in all fairness that,
you know,
if they look at me, they'll
kind of know that I'm straight.
Can I get you--
yep.
- Here? Cool.
- Perfect. You're perfect.
All right,
we are recording.
- Yo.
- Yo.
- I'm Ben.
- I'm Andrew.
And we're about to
make this movie here--
Our film.
Yeah, in a couple
of minutes.
But we just want to tell
you a little about ourselves.
We're old friends
from college,
but we've kind of gone down
different roads in life.
Ben has become Mr. Motorcycle
- adventuring man.
I got married and have a really
nice house and a wife and stuff.
Um, he came
to visit me two days ago
and we were out at a party
and we heard about Humpfest.
And, um, kind of
as a joke,
we thought it-- like,
how cool would it be
if two straight guys
had sex on camera?
The funny thing was we were drunk
when we first came up with the idea
and then it evolved into this
weirdly straight-guy macho thing
where we're like, "No,
I'm more man, I'll fuck you."
No, I'll fuck you.
- No, I'll fuck you.
- I'll fuck you. And then it kind of
transcended
into something more
and we're still trying
to figure out what it is.
But we're here
and, um--
I guess you'll see
what you see.
We don't even know what you're going to
see because we haven't done it yet, so.
Cool, I liked it. I'm cool
with it if you are.
Fine.
So...
At some point we may want
to watch it back, but.
Yeah.
I'm good for now.
So... sweet!
Cool.
You know what?
It's--
the fucking weirdness
is starting again.
Totally.
We need to not sit
around and talk about this
and we need
to just fucking--
I think we just need
to start basically.
And I'm going
to count to five
and we're going to kiss and
we're just going to fucking do it.
Basically, I think if we
just get going, it's like--
okay.let me just--
I'm going to piss.
Okay.
All right.
Mmm...
hurry up!
- All right. You ready?
- You ready? Yep.
- You ready? Ready?
- I'm ready. Five--
Four, three, two, one.
It wasn't that bad.
- Yeah, no, it-it--
- I mean--
it's weird.
I've never kissed stubble before.
- Wasn't that bad.
- It wasn't terrible.
It wasn't terrible.
No, it wasn't terrible.
- Yeah, that was awful.
- Dude, that was awful.
Okay, this is
going to be hard.
Yeah, that puts a little
wrench in the works, doesn't it?
We might have to impose
the "pretty woman" rule.
- No kissing.
- No kissing.
No kissing.
Okay, that's fine.
Actually, the intimacy of kissing
might be what makes it harder.
We might just need to fucking--
Um...
fuck it!
Fuck it, fuck it, fuck it,
fuck it, fuck it, fuck it,
fuck it, fuck it.
- All right. Fuck it.
- cool.
- Fuck it.
- Do it.
- Fuck it.
- Go...
still got it, baby, right here!
There's a six-pack
under there.
- Deep deep under there.
- socks.
- Socks!
- Socks!
- Right.
- socks!
Um...
Yeah?
All right.
- Do it!
- Fuck!
Do it!
All right, all right.
Dude, we've got almost
the same boxers on.
Love it.
Okay.
Good step. Good step.
Can I just make an observation
for a second? Like--
you're-- it's weird because
you're an attractive person.
I can see that. I could
see a girl looking at you
- and be like, "got a good-looking guy."
- Uh-huh?
Good build and stuff
like that. It just, um...
you think maybe we took
our clothes off too fast?
Just in terms of
kind of like...
- I just feel like--
- No, I think that's true.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Okay.
I think it's important for us to keep
a hard line on each other tonight,
like it can be a lot of mental
trickery and I think one of the problems
- we're having is we're like... up here.
- In there.
As soon as we get up
here, it's like "whew!"
Yeah yeah yeah. It's one of those things
that you just can't fucking think about.
We need to let bodies,
like, take over.
Dude, I think
we kind of pussed out.
I mean, I think that if
we're going to do this,
if we're going
to fucking do it,
then we've got
to get comfortable.
- Right. We establish a rapport.
- We just have to go.
I think you were right. We jumped in
quick, but I think part of that's just
it's going to be fucking
uncomfortable
and we've got to, like, we've
got to get through the discomfort.
You're right, we backed away.
You're right.
So we need to just
fucking plunge forward
and take the next step.
Can I suggest something
a little weird?
- Yeah, absolutely.
- I mean--
- Yeah.
- Um,
can we try hugging without
shirts for a second?
Yeah.
- Okay.
- Yep...
- okay.
- That's not terrible.
No.
It's almost like
we saw each other
at a swimming pool
- and hadn't seen each other for a while.
- Mm-hmm.
And so,
I mean, we're
basically like--
- these could be swimsuits, you know?
- Mm-hmm.
Just sharing a
particularly extended hug
at the local swimming pool.
Yeah.and we're like,
"hey, dude, good to see you.
- What's up, man?"
- "How are you?
- Nice to see you."yeah.
- "Yeah, you look good..."
- that's great.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You know something we
have yet to discuss is,
- um--
- I know what you're going to say.
The-- yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, dude,
I have no clue.
I have no fucking idea.
I mean, the backup option
if nothing is happening
is like one of us is
in the bathroom, like,
kind of just
getting it up
and then they just
kind of run in and, like,
go while it's going.
Which sucks because it's like--
we can try that. I'm sure
that if I went in the bathroom,
I could kind of get
myself revved up.
But I'm not sure when
I actually had to come,
you know, perform,
whether, you know,
whether I'd be able
to do the job or not.
Yeah.
When you start
thinking about that,
it's just like if
we're going to do this
- it should be good, you know?
- Mm-hmm.
And it should be like
a piece of art.
And I mean-- so, yeah,
I guess I'm being-- I don't know.
- it should be--
- I mean, I don't even know, like,
art is such a--
you know,
- art is such a fucking, like, "thing."
- Yeah.
I just think-- I think
if we're going to do it,
it has to be like a fucking
experience and not just like--
not just like we're doing
it to get through it.
Close my eyes and--
- Yeah.
- It's got to be something that we do
- because, you know-- fuck!
- Yeah.
Like--
like we didn't think we could
do it and we fucking did it.
And I don't know how to actually get
there and that's the tricky thing.
You know, it's the
difference between this
- and fucking bungee jumping, dude...
- Mm-hmm.
...is that bungee jumping, you just
walk to the edge and fucking jump.
And then the whole thing
takes care of you.
And you don't have to have a
fucking hard-on to bungee jump.
Yeah.
This is hard.
- So here's where I'm at...
- Okay.
..I don't want
to be a pussy.
I don't want to chicken out
on this, all right?
But I can't help
thinking...
what exactly...
about two straight dudes
having sex on camera
is a great piece of art?
And not to overanalyze it
or anything,
'cause art is
a feeling thing
and it's not
a thinking thing,
but, like, I'm just starting
to kind of look at it
and I'm like...
you know
what I'm saying?
And we should be
really careful here
because we don't want to
let each other off the hook.
No, but what's
interesting about it is
I think--
you know, and again,
I'm not--
I'm not saying
let's run away from it.
Let's shitcan the idea.
Yeah.
But-- but...
the fact that we picked
this as this hurdle...
Mm-hmm.
Was almost arbitrary. It was
almost like it kind of came up--
in this drunken moment
and we went with it.
It could've been anything.
It seriously could have
been fucking anything.
It could've been
fucking anything.
- It could've been bungee jumping.
- Yeah! Right.
It would have to be a little
more momentous than that, but--
like hiking across Bhutan
or something like that.
It's weird. And when you say
something like "hiking across Bhutan,"
I don't even know what
that is, but I know that
- in the experience of doing that...
- Mm-hmm.
We would probably enrich
our lives actually a lot more
than just trying
to fucking tag ass
in a hotel room...
...and force it.
You know what I'm saying?
We would get exercise.
We would have good conversations.
We'd get to know each other.
We'd meet weird people.
We'd eat new foods,
- be in a different surrounding.
- Dude, we're fucking...
we're pussing out.
Are we pussing out?
We're doing this
because...
it scares us more
than anything else.
I'd be pretty amped
to go to Bhutan
and not
particularly scared.
That is a really
good point.
There is nothing
in this world...
that I want to do less
than what we're
talking about doing.
I mean, that's something.
That's something.
So I guess
the question is
is--
is that a reason
to go through with it?
- Something just hit me.
- Mm-hmm?
I think...
we might be morons.
That this whole
fucking idea...
is built
from the planet moron,
- like--
- but with the best of intentions.
Great intentions, dude.
Great intentions,
but, like, clearly--
Clearly, there are other places
to put this kind of energy.
I mean, here's the thing.
For me, it's, um,
you know, I just want to
fucking finish something.
Yes.
And this was the thing
that I was, like, you know,
"I'm finally going to do it. Like, I'm finally
going to fucking see something through
- and finish it" and--
- You chose the wrong thing.
And I could've chosen
something much more awesome.
Dude, I mean--
Um...
Man.
- Can I just say something here?
- Mm-hmm.
And if you don't agree,
that's fine,
but I just want to throw it
out there and test the waters.
I think we should
put on our clothes.
You want to--
you want to get
some room service?
Yeah. Hey there, I'd like to
order room service, please?
Um, two steak sandwiches.
Do you have milkshakes?
I would like one
strawberry milkshake
- and--
- Chocolate-strawberry mix.
And a chocolate-
strawberry mix.
Still got it.
- Still got it.
- Oh.
Yeah.
Man...
I think I'm in deep shit with Anna.
- I think I'm in really deep, man.
- Why?
I fucking dug
my own grave, man.
Jesus, what I just
put her through.
Poor thing.
I feel so terrible.
Yeah.
I am so lucky that
she puts up with me.
She loves you.
Yeah.I hate
to say it, dude,
but I think I need
to go fucking--
I might need to go start my reparations
immediately.
As much as I want a steak
sandwich and a milkshake,
I think I actually
might have to go...
um, I might have
to go see her.
- Totally.
- You know what I'm saying?
Fuck yeah.
But, dude, fucking
live it up here
and munch my shit
and drink my milkshake
and charge whatever the
fuck you want to the room
- and put 'em up.
- Mm.
Give it up, man.
I love you, bud.
I love you too, man.
All right, I'll see you
tomorrow, okay?
Pick you up, we'll go
do something stupid.
Not this stupid.
Something stupid,
something fun,
all right?
- That's not terrible.
- No.
It's almost like
we saw each other
at a swimming pool
and hadn't seen each other
for a while, you know?
- Mm-hmm.
- And so,
I mean, we're
basically like--
these could be
swimsuits, you know?
- "Nice to see you." Yeah.
- "You look good."
Sir, I'm sorry.
Seattle, Washington,
for the Boni Motel,
spelled B-O-N-I, I have no listing.