I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell Script - Dialogue Transcript

I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell Script

  
  
Attention all units,
attack in progress at 742 Summit Drive.

  
742 Summit Drive. Screaming heard from
inside the residence. Respond, code three.

  
Five-four-three-zero, show us responding.

  
We'll be on scene in under a minute.

  
Additional person reporting sound
of animal abuse.

  
Hit it, man. Let's go.

  
-What the hell is that?
-Five-four-three-oh, request backup.

  
-It's here.
-Yep.

  
Stop.
Put your hands up and move away.

  
I said, move away.

  
I said, move away.

  
-Miss, it's okay.
-What the fuck?

  
I'm coming. I'm coming.

  
What are you doing, man?
What's going on?

  
I didn't do anything.
What are you talking about?

  
Get your hands behind your back.

  
I am deaf. Can you hear me?

  
-Hey, partner.
-What?

  
-You gotta look at this.
-I am deaf.

  
-Fuck.
-We don't have a crime here.

  
He wasn't raping me, he was fucking me.
You know, fucking.

  
Goddamn.

  
I was about to come.

  
You ever fuck a deaf chick?

  
Of course not.

  
-Are you getting excited?
-Are you nervous?

  
You only have nine days left.

  
No, I'm not nervous, but....

  
I tell you what,
this wedding planning stuff is unreal.

  
I spent last night, all last night...

  
...looking at books and magazines
of white flowers. Just white.

  
I love big weddings.

  
I don't know how people do it.
I'm just gonna elope.

  
Yeah? I was unaware that gay marriages
were legal in this state.

  
Yeah.

  
What?

  
Raise your hand
if you've ever fucked a deaf girl.

  
Bullshit. You hooked up with a deaf girl?

  
What, you're deaf now too?

  
Yeah, Dan, I had sex with a deaf girl.

  
Didn't you hook up with a mute girl
last semester?

  
That makes you two-thirds of the way
to a Helen Keller.

  
Dude, you have no idea.
She was crazy. She:
-
  
Fucking....

  
I almost shit myself when those cops
busted in. I thought she set me up.

  
Mr. Max.

  
-What is your take on this issue?
-I'm sorry, what issue is that?

  
Are you not paying attention Mr. Max?

  
No, I wasn't. I apologize. I was busy talking
about having sex with a deaf girl.

  
Charming.

  
And oddly appropriate.

  
Do you or do you not feel that little people
should be a protected class?

  
You mean midgets?

  
No, Mr. Max, I do not mean midgets.
I mean little people.

  
"Midget" is an antiquated
and pejorative term.

  
What are we protecting them from,
eagles and poachers and stuff?

  
Like an endangered species?

  
-Really? Poachers?
-Mr. Max, if you didn't do the reading--

  
Well, sir, dwarfism is already
a protected class under the ADA.

  
So your point is kind of moot.

  
Now, if you're asking me if I agree,
I'm not sure.

  
There are so many kinds of little people.

  
There are the ones who are just shorter and
might need a booster seat at their cubicle.

  
There are those dwarves with giant heads
and flipper arms who can barely walk.

  
Now, is there a reasonable accommodation
an employer can make for those types...

  
...that doesn't qualify him
for the business necessity exception?

  
-I don't think so.
-Then where do you draw the line?

  
I figure it's like riding a roller coaster.

  
You must be this high
to get ADA protection.

  
Very funny, Mr. Max.

  
What if I told you I just finished
a pro bono case...

  
...that involved a gentlemen's club
that tried to terminate...

  
...the employment of a dancer
with dwarfism because she--

  
You represented a midget stripper?

  
-Was she hot?
-Mr. Max.

  
If you're genuinely interested in the case,
come to office hours and I'll fill you in.

  
In the meantime, let's remember
that this is an employment law class...

  
...not Adult Friend Finder.

  
Touché. I will shut up now.

  
Dude, so you ready
for your bachelor party tonight or what?

  
Locked and loaded.

  
Good. I'm gonna go get Drew.
Meet us at the campus bar after class.

  
Oh, I guess I'll just finish up here for you.
Jackass.

  
Energy sword.
Who uses a fucking energy sword?

  
Pick up that energy sword one more time,
I am going to rape with you with it.

  
-Hello.
-Yo, Drew, it's Tucker.

  
What are you doing?

  
Punishing unethical behavior.

  
All right. Well, I'm coming to get you, man.
We're going drinking.

  
Here comes your object lesson.

  
Gained the lead.

  
Fucker.

  
Are those tampons?

  
Fuck.

  
"Take whatever you want.
Her box is apparently open to all."

  
Jesus.

  
Wow, look at this place.
It's a shrine to cuckoldry and rage.

  
You ready, dude?

  
What are you talking about?

  
-We're going to the bar. I told you.
-I don't actually listen to what you say.

  
I just wait for you to stop talking
about yourself, get bored and hang up.

  
Did Sarah call yet?

  
No. She probably has trouble
talking with a dick in her mouth.

  
Fuck, man.

  
This cartoon is disturbingly hot.

  
Can you imagine a threesome
with these two?

  
I can imagine them both cheating on me.

  
-They're cartoons, dude.
-Oh, I'm on to your game, De Nils.

  
Diamonds are worthless,
other than the value attached to them...

  
...by the tramps you've brainwashed
into thinking diamond equals love.

  
Guess what, sluts.

  
Your quest for the perfect princess cut
supports terrorism and genocide.

  
Congratulations, your avarice
has managed to destroy an entire continent.

  
Sarah kept the ring?

  
I hope you die in a fire.

  
You act like you're the first person
to ever get cheated on.

  
It happens to everybody, even me.

  
Oh, yeah? Does everyone walk in
on their fiancée sucking off a rapper?

  
Honey, your throat feeling any--?

  
-How they do.
-Ah!

  
Yeah, buddy. Grillionaire in the house.

  
Hey, who knew blowjobs were good
for sore throats, right?

  
The most rewarding part
of our friendship...

  
...is your ability to find amusement
in the destruction of my life.

  
It's not that bad, dude.

  
You always get stuck in these cycles.

  
When you get depressed like this...

  
...you need to ask yourself,
"What would Tucker do?”

  
And then you go out and you do that.

  
I already know what you would do.

  
And I have no desire to get HIV
from one of the cum dumpsters...

  
...into whom you shoot your emotional pain
every weekend.

  
HIV is basically curable now.

  
It doesn't even show up
in Magic Johnson's blood anymore.

  
Are you saying that Magic Johnson
is black and has AIDS...

  
...and has it better than me?

  
Yeah, I love children.
You know, I wanna--

  
Yeah, when I graduate I wanna work
with them, have a bunch of my own.

  
-Really?
-Yeah, what about you?

  
Are you kidding me? I love kids.

  
-I can't wait to have more.
-Shut up, you don't have kids.

  
-Yep. I do.
-No, you don't.

  
He does. They're just all in the compost
heap behind Planned Parenthood.

  
If you do stem-cell research,
you can work with them.

  
All right, this is my boy.
Run along, baby, man talk.

  
-All right.
-I got your number, I'll call you.

  
Perhaps.

  
Who says romance is dead?

  
How can you hate women...

  
...yet at the same time
be mad at what Tucker does?

  
-It makes no sense.
-I am like a feminist.

  
I can assert
multiple contradictory positions.

  
Do me a favor.
Can you not talk to my server like that?

  
It's disrespectful, okay?

  
-Excuse me?
-Yeah, I think you heard me.

  
Oh, I heard you, hero.
You don't want me flirting with your server.

  
-I didn't know she belonged to you.
-It's a figure of speech.

  
Here's another figure of speech:
mind your own fucking business.

  
I'm sorry I've accomplished more
with Leslie in 30 minutes...

  
...than you have in two years,
but she looked happy talking to me.

  
Or maybe she rubs her crotch
against all customers.

  
-Probably.
-It's time for you to leave.

  
-It's time for you to get us another drink.
-Yeah, I don't think so, man.

  
Could you just go ahead
and put this on my tab, please? Thank you.

  
Can you get me another beer for--?

  
-Actually, another two beers for table six.
-Last one.

  
All right.
Three beers for table six. Thanks.

  
What the eff, Leslie?

  
Okay, come on, fuck stick. Let's do this.

  
You're gonna fuck this girl, pal.

  
You think you're tough?

  
No.

  
Just tougher than you.

  
Tell your friend I know Brazilian jiujutsu.

  
He wants to make out.

  
Why is he twitching?

  
Listen, we need to discuss
a change of venue for your party.

  
This should be good.

  
No, seriously, the strip club
we're supposed to go to sucks.

  
It's dirty and decrepit...

  
...and the girls have personalities
like the worst parts of the Bible.

  
Personalities?
Are you saying we have to talk to them?

  
Some of us actually enjoy
the company of women, Drew.

  
Oh, yeah, I'm the misogynist here. Okay.

  
Wouldn't be an issue if Richmond hadn't
passed the no-touching-strippers ordinance.

  
Wait a second. You wanna touch
them now? You said they're disgusting.

  
Well, what do you wanna do, Dan?
Play checkers?

  
This is a fucking bachelor party.

  
What did you have in mind?

  
All right. Thank you very much.

  
A short three-and-a-half hour drive away
is a strip club called Avarice.

  
You know what,
I'm sorry, let me back that up.

  
This isn't just some strip club.

  
This is the Super Bowl
of carnal pleasures.

  
We've been to strip clubs before.

  
Not like this one, dude.
First time I got a lap dance there...

  
...the stripper grabs my hands
and puts them on her tits.

  
Second dance, she turns around
and dry humps me the entire time.

  
She was gorgeous and she wasn't close
to being the best one there.

  
I used to think there was a line
between a gentlemen's club and a brothel.

  
-Now you're telling me it's all just gray.
-Wait a second.

  
You can full on grab their tits
and they don't even care?

  
-They encourage it.
-Bet they had good childhoods.

  
The very best part,
$10 dances all night long.

  
I would rather fellate a hot curling iron
than drive 250 miles...

  
...because Tucker breastfed till he was 9.

  
Look, sounds great, but I can't leave,
all right?

  
I got all kinds of meetings
and stuff tomorrow.

  
What kind of meetings?

  
You know, important stuff,
like the seating chart and whatnot.

  
A seating chart?

  
I'm pretty sure
Kristy can cut that Gordian knot.

  
Look, the wedding is next weekend,
all right?

  
I'm not gonna leave Kristy hanging
because of some no-touch policy.

  
That's your issue, Tucker, not mine.

  
We'll be back tomorrow afternoon.

  
If we stay in Richmond...

  
...we're not gonna have the experience
we need to make up...

  
...for that abomination of an engagement
party you had with Kristy's family.

  
So the tension builds.
G, 61.

  
Any bingos?

  
G, 61.

  
Genesis chapter six, verse one.

  
-Yeah, that was pretty bad.
-This is it.

  
This is our last fucking gasp together
as single men.

  
I guess.

  
Dude, you're my boys.

  
I'm just gonna be honest with you,
if you keep acting like a bitch...

  
...somebody's gonna fuck
that pussy in your face.

  
He's right. Someone will do that.

  
What about Drew?

  
Oh, don't drag me into this.

  
There is a Next Generation marathon
this weekend.

  
I'm more than happy
just lusting after Deanna Troi.

  
He hasn't been out of his nerd hole
for two weeks.

  
-Drew needs this.
-You do need this.

  
I need this like I need hepatitis C.

  
You need this.

  
You need this.

  
He needs this. I need it.

  
We all need it.

  
Because it's our destiny as men.

  
There is no way
I'm not gonna regret this.

  
But fuck it. Let's go.

  
Done. Fuck it.

  
-Whatever.
-Let's get the fuck out of here.

  
Why not?

  
Bro, make sure to tell Leslie
that I'm an asshole...

  
...and she should stay away,
it'll only help me.

  
-Hey, see you.
-Hey.

  
That's for you.

  
I already fingered her.

  
Remember, you're the reason we're going
on this trip and you fucking earned it.

  
So put your goddamn game face on.

  
-Let's do this.
-All right.

  
He's gonna fail
worse than a Friends spinoff.

  
-Hey, babe.
-Hey.

  
What are you working on?

  
The seating chart.

  
Oh, yeah?

  
Wow, looks like you're almost done.

  
Not really.

  
-Hey, guess who just called.
-Who?

  
My mom.

  
What?
Another dinosaur fossil test her faith?

  
She's coming into town early to help out.
Isn't that nice of her?

  
-How early?
-Tonight.

  
Tonight?

  
You know she's only coming in early
so she can take control of everything.

  
No, she's not. Quit being so dramatic.

  
If she has it her way, the reception's
gonna be a potluck in a barn.

  
She's pious and conservative, Dan,
not Pennsylvania Dutch.

  
Probably gonna churn our own butter
for the dinner rolls.

  
My parents are paying for this entire
wedding. She's entitled to some input.

  
Come on, babe.

  
I just don't want her
to suck all of the fun out of the wedding.

  
It's my day too.

  
All right, Groomzilla.

  
Oh, whoa.

  
Don't Groomzilla me. Those squirrel hunters
wouldn't know a good time if it...

  
...landed on the front lawn
of their megachurch.

  
What's taking him so long?

  
He's talking to a woman.
Anything is possible.

  
What are you doing?

  
Packing.

  
For what?

  
I'm going to Salem with Tucker and Drew
for my bachelor party.

  
-I thought you were staying.
-Change of plans.

  
Tucker knows about a great strip club
down there.

  
Oh, good for Tucker.
I hope he has a great time.

  
Babe, come on.
You know I can't let him go off by himself.

  
-Somebody needs go have his back.
-Oh, and who's got your back?

  
Drew?

  
Tucker's got my back.

  
Tucker? Tucker says he's got your back.

  
Except you're the one who
always ends up bailing him out.

  
I wish you took care of me
as well as you take care of Tucker.

  
Well, that is a load of crap. I always look
out for you. You're my number-one priority.

  
Really? Really?
When have I taken precedence?

  
When have you chosen me over Tucker?

  
Give me an example. Just one.

  
I'm marrying you, aren't I?

  
Should I go help?

  
There is a zero-percent chance...

  
...that injecting you into the situation
is gonna make it any better.

  
I'm going in.

  
Bring me a Red Bull.

  
Yeah, why can't we just compromise?

  
Compromise?

  
You kidding? That's all I've been doing.

  
Your father didn't want a party
with strippers and booze, I said fine.

  
We'll have an engagement party at church.
I wanted a bouncy castle at the reception.

  
“Bouncy castles are childish and dangerous.
Grow up."

  
You know, and I said fine because
I didn't wanna argue with your mom.

  
It's just a stupid bouncy castle.

  
The only thing I've been able
to hold onto is the open bar...

  
...and now she's gonna fly in here
and take that too.

  
You're not gonna do a thing to stop her.

  
You know, if all this is so important to you,
then quit complaining and take a stand.

  
Oh, you want me to take a stand? Fine.

  
I'm going to Salem
and I don't care what you...

  
...or the Wicked Witch of West Texas
thinks about it.

  
What's up, guys? You ready?

  
Hey, what's this I hear you're
taking Dan out of town?

  
Richmond passed
this stupid no-touch policy.

  
Since the ladies
can't seem to keep their hands off me...

  
...it'd be irresponsible
to go to clubs here.

  
-How thoughtful of you.
-You don't mind, do you?

  
I'm not stepping on any toes, am l?

  
We have all the final wedding
appointments tomorrow.

  
Oh, no.

  
Dan.

  
You didn't say anything.
Why didn't you tell me, man?

  
That's not cool. It's your wedding, man.

  
Listen, we'll just go out in town.
We can do Salem after your honeymoon.

  
Sound good, huh?
Kristy, that way you can come too.

  
-All right, that's cool.
-All right.

  
He won't need this anymore.

  
I'll have him back
before you even wake up.

  
Kristy, you look hot as always.

  
You are so full of shit.

  
Salem, here we come, man.

  
-Yeah.
-What?

  
Oh, come on.

  
Do you think it's possible
to keep me from something I want?

  
The more important question is...

  
...are you ready to get shitfaced
and grab some titties?

  
That's not a Red Bull.

  
Yeah.

  
Here's what I don't get.
Why did you have to lie to her?

  
It's not like I wasn't gonna go.

  
Oh, please. When I walked in,
you had so much surrender in your eyes...

  
...I thought your apartment
was Vichy France.

  
We need to stop for food.
My blood sugar is getting low.

  
I just hate lying to Kristy, man.

  
You didn't lie to her, I did.

  
That is bullshit.

  
But somehow I'm going with it.

  
If I don't get a pancakewich,
I'm calling the authorities...

  
...and have you arrested
for kidnapping and conspiracy.

  
I don't know how you eat pancakewiches.
They look disgusting.

  
I can only assume
from your cavalier attitude...

  
...that you have yet to partake
in the wonderment that is the pancakewich.

  
Let me enlighten you.

  
What happens is the one true god
grows pancakewiches on trees...

  
...in the Elysian Fields
using a mystical incantation.

  
He then proceeds to magic them down
to your local eatery...

  
...where whatever societal reject
Griddleworld has rescued off the dole...

  
...gently wraps them in cellophane
and passes them along to you...

  
...the fortunate consumer.

  
You proceed to ingest this finery...

  
...in the vain hope
that your overmatched taste buds...

  
...can somehow comprehend the delectable
intricacies that face them.

  
Is that egg? Why, yes. Yes, it is.

  
And bacon too.

  
But wait, did they--?

  
They didn't. Yes, they did,
they did indeed.

  
They added cheese.

  
And then, then, my friend...

  
...they wrapped it
in a sumptuous pancake bun.

  
As your taste buds try to process
that amazing piece of information...

  
...it hits them.

  
The syrup nugget.

  
The motherfucking syrup nugget.

  
It announces itself
with a burst of confectionery grandiosity...

  
...the likes of which your palate
has never seen.

  
So you like them?

  
Allow me to rephrase.

  
If you ever speak ill
of the pancakewich again...

  
...I will personally come to your home
and force-feed you one...

  
...while I fuck you in the ass
with the wrapper as a condom...

  
...and then donkey punch you
when the infused syrup nugget explodes.

  
We got a motherfucking Griddleworld
coming up at the next exit.

  
Thank God.

  
Oh, come on. Who farted?

  
-I don't smell anything.
-Oh, my God.

  
Oh, what is wrong with you?

  
It smells like you got buttfucked
by a garbage truck.

  
Hey, Griddleworld was your idea, man.

  
Do not disparage the pancakewich.

  
Could you just unlock
the fucking window, Tucker?

  
-You get a bit back there?
-Fuck yourself.

  
Where are my law books?

  
This must count as a felony battery.

  
-Dude.
-All right, fuck.

  
You guys have such weak constitutions.

  
I bet those girls
wouldn't complain as much as you two.

  
-I can taste that.
-They wouldn't. They're hookers.

  
They subject themselves
to anything...

  
-...for the right price.
-Not every woman is a whore.

  
Tucker, where are we going?
Where's the strip club?

  
It's not even 7:00 yet.
The club doesn't open till 10.

  
-Let's get some drinks first. Pre-game.
-Oh, wonderful.

  
Now I can hate
all these people from up close...

  
...instead of baselessly judging them
from this metal fart coffin.

  
Last time I was here there was more pussy
than you could shake a stick at.

  
Unbelievable hot chicks, wall to wall.

  
All right, dude.

  
Can’t you see...

  
Oh, yeah, this place is crawling with trim.
Shame I'm taken.

  
Let's see some IDs, guys.

  
Looks like Lane Bryant and Jenny Craig
had a knife fight in here.

  
Ten dollar cover tonight.

  
You know what a soft-off is?

  
No, what is it?

  
It's the opposite of a hard-on.

  
And that's what I have.

  
I will pay you $10...

  
...only if you can erase this visual atrocity
from my memory.

  
Go down to Whiskey Bar.
That's where everybody's at tonight.

  
And by everybody,
you mean all the dudes?

  
I wish, man, I wish.
No, I gotta stay here.

  
-Let's give it a shot.
-Come on.

  
It can't be worse than this.

  
All right, now this is what I call
a target-rich environment.

  
I agree.

  
I wanna shoot
every one of these bitches.

  
-Not her.
-Nice.

  
-Her too.
-All right, fellas.

  
A little over two hours
until Avarice opens up.

  
Let's see if we can't get
girls to go with us.

  
Wait, wait, wait.

  
You wanna pick up sluts
to bring them to go see whores?

  
If things go well.

  
Oh, look, a menagerie of sluts.
Who would have guessed?

  
What are those drinks? Not the ones
with the penises in it. The other ones.

  
It's called a Flaming Dr. Pepper.

  
-Looks amazing. Throw three more on there.
-We're not paying for those.

  
Don't worry about it, sweetheart.
It's okay, we got this round.

  
My name isn't sweetheart, it's Mary.

  
Okay, good to know. Thank you.

  
Drew, not all girls are sluts.

  
-Just most of them.
-I hope this sets off the sprinklers.

  
-Oh, nice.
-Shit.

  
Oh!

  
I've seen better.

  
That tastes like ass.

  
Holy shit. It tastes like a Dr. Pepper.

  
Hence the name.

  
Thank you. Again. Eight more of them.

  
That will be another $120.

  
Shit. Just get us eight vodka shots.
You guys aren't worth that much.

  
Oh, our company is priceless.

  
If it lacks a price,
it is probably worthless.

  
-Any particular kind of vodka?
-Well, please.

  
Thank you for asking. Down there.

  
If this is a real bachelorette party,
who's the designated slut?

  
Don't call us sluts.
You didn't even know us.

  
No one here is a slut.

  
Oh, come on, come on.

  
The slut at a bachelor party
is kind of like the sucker at a poker table.

  
If you can't pick them out,
it's probably you.

  
Here we are ladies, one for each of you.
Palm greaser for you.

  
-Panty dropper for you.
-Not cool, you know.

  
Making fun of girls to impress your friends
is so immature.

  
You're such a jerk.

  
Your friends are laughing
more than mine.

  
-I'm not laughing at all.
-Why are you guys laughing?

  
Don't laugh. It's not funny.

  
I think a toast is in order for my buddy Dan,
who's also getting married.

  
And the bachelorette
and all her beautiful friends...

  
...even the bitchy prude.

  
Here is to the people we've met.

  
And to the people we've fucked.

  
And to those of us
who have had no such luck.

  
Here's to beer in the glass
and vodka in the cup.

  
Here's to poking her in the ass
so she won't get knocked up.

  
Here's to all of you, and here's to me...

  
...together as friends we will always be.

  
But if we should ever disagree...

  
...then fuck all of you, here's to me.

  
-Cheers.
-All right.

  
All right, but for real,
which one's the naughty one?

  
See now, the world goes round in circles

  
It never would stop

  
All right. What's your porn name?

  
Scott Peterson.

  
No, no, not your real name.

  
Your porn name is your pet's name
and the street you grew up on.

  
I wasn't allowed to have pets.

  
Okay, we'll do another way, then.
What's your middle name?

  
I don't have one, unless I missed it
between "shut" and "up" as a kid.

  
Oh, come on. Play along, it's fun.

  
If you touch me again.
I will gut you and grind you into pig slop.

  
What--? Why?

  
You're the only guy I know
that actually cock blocks himself.

  
Come on, man.
This night is about you and Dan.

  
Remember what we talked about?

  
Instead of being a fucking killjoy...

  
...you stop and ask yourself,
"What would Tucker do?”

  
And then you go do that.

  
Well, unfortunately, we can't both go
after the girl with the lowest self-esteem.

  
-Now, can we?
-We can try.

  
Speak of the devil.

  
What's up? You finally ready to hook up
or we need more shots first?

  
She's the bride.

  
You talk a big game, Mr. Man.

  
But you don't look like
much of a drinker to me.

  
Oh, really? Are you talking to me?

  
You couldn't tie my drinking shoes.

  
Let's do shots, then.

  
Oh! Isn't she precious?

  
We'll do teams. It'll be fun.

  
-"It will be fun."
-Okay, fine.

  
-"We will do teams."
-Let's do it.

  
Bachelor and hottest guy, me, duh...

  
...versus bachelorette
and your hottest friend.

  
-I think your friend's hotter.
-Yeah?

  
Talk to him for five minutes
and tell me what you think.

  
Let's get down to business.
Line them up. And no girly shit either.

  
If it has sugar in it, it's not a real shot.

  
So what's up with Mary, Queen of Twats
over there?

  
-You know how it is.
-Yeah.

  
It'd suck to be such an angry bitch.

  
She can be lots of fun
when she wants to be.

  
When is that? When she's luring
small children into her gingerbread house?

  
No. She isn't that bad.

  
Women are the worst
at judging their friends.

  
-She's really sweet.
-Bums wouldn't fuck her.

  
I don't know about bums.

  
Maybe titty fuck her.

  
For the record, I just wanted
to disagree with my friend Tucker--

  
Oh, baby.

  
Grillionaire.

  
I got ice, whips, ho’s, money
Got ice, whips, ho’s, money

  
You like this guy?

  
I love him. He is hot.

  
How they do, baby
Grillionaire in the house

  
How they do, baby
Grillionaire in the house

  
Yeah, buddy

  
Get away from me, or I'm gonna carve
another fuck hole in your torso.

  
Sorry, man.
Want me to ask them to turn it off?

  
Yes.

  
You gotta admit, though, man,
it is kind of catchy.

  
It's a good fucking hook.

  
Ice, ice, whips, whips, ho’s, ho’s, money

  
Ice, ice, whips, whips, ho’s, ho’s, money

  
Got it?
Ice, ice, whips--

  
All right, all right, all right. We'll stop.
Okay, just--

  
Where the ho’s at?

  
This is for all you
bitches, ho's, and pricks.

  
We wouldn't talk to any of you
if we didn't have dicks. Tucker Max.

  
Who's Tucker Max?

  
A rapist.

  
I can't. I'm done.

  
What?

  
Six shots.

  
That's it? Six shots?

  
Oh, you may be able to vote and drive,
but you will never be equal.

  
-It's embarrassing.
-Why are you talking to him?

  
-He's just messing around.
-Come on, he's cute.

  
Cute, like full-blown AIDS.

  
No, he's not. Everything he says
is disgusting and misogynist.

  
Uh.... No, it isn't.

  
If I said women
belong chained to a stove...

  
...with enough slack
to reach the bedroom...

  
...because those are the places that
your rib-stealing gender's worth a damn...

  
-...that would be misogynist.
-Would be true.

  
Excuse me?

  
What I said was sexist
and a fucking joke.

  
Not that your pageant-girl ass
would know the difference.

  
-Hey.
-That's much.

  
-What?
-Fine. You know what?

  
You're sexist and misogynist.

  
Good for you.

  
Tucker, you misogynist Neanderthal.

  
Why dost thou hate women so?

  
That's the thing.
I don't hate women. I love women.

  
Why else would I put up
with all their shit?

  
Now you're being kind of mean.

  
Yeah, you know what?

  
You're an ass.

  
I just don't like her as a person...

  
...because she's a negative fucking bitch.

  
That has nothing to do
with whether or not she has tits.

  
-Hey.
-Tucker.

  
That's not good game.

  
-You're really mean.
-Yeah.

  
Yeah. You know what?
Come on, let's go. Let's go.

  
-Yeah.
-It was going so good.

  
We actually made friends.
Wait, wait, wait. Hold on.

  
Asshole.

  
Wait, wait, wait. Guys, come on, sorry.

  
Listen, I just want to apologize.

  
You'll have to forgive my friend, all right?

  
-He's got mommy issues.
-What do you mean?

  
Mommy was the life of the party.

  
Mommy, where do babies come from?

  
Go ask your deadbeat father
and his fancy new wife.

  
He really is a good guy, honest.

  
He's just sometimes
a little quick on the trigger.

  
Why don't you just come to
the strip club?

  
-Drinks will be on the asshole.
-Yeah, come on.

  
That sounds like a plan.

  
What strip club you guys going to?

  
-It's called Avarice.
-I've never heard of it.

  
That's because they don't
let prudish bitches in.

  
Tucker.

  
She's not a bitch.

  
She's a snatch napkin.

  
It was nice to meet you.

  
Oh, my God.

  
Call Information.
Find out where this club is.

  
What?
I thought you knew where it was.

  
No, dude. I was fucking half drunk.

  
-I don't know precisely where it is.
-You said you knew.

  
-I said that?
-Yeah.

  
I can't be held accountable for the things
that come out of my mouth.

  
I'd just like to remind everyone that
we're going down a strange, dark alley...

  
...on the advice of a drunken hobo.

  
So?

  
Yeah, I don't really see a problem, either.

  
All right. This has gotta be it.

  
This spot. It must be.

  
What's up, man? How's it going?
You having a good night?

  
Cool.

  
All right

  
Break me down
You got a lovely face

  
We're going to your place

  
But now you got to
Freak me out

  
Scream so loud
Get fucking laid

  
You want me to stay

  
But I got to make my way

  
Hey
You're a crazy bitch

  
But you fuck so good
I'm on top of it

  
When I dream
I'm doing you all night

  
Scratches all down my back

  
Oh, that's a hundred.

  
Oh, man.

  
I'm going with you.

  
-Hey.
-How are you doing?

  
-You're a maniac.
-Let's sit.

  
-Great.
-I'm better now that you came....

  
Unless your breasts expel vodka and tonic,
you can feel free to leave.

  
Oh, don't worry, baby,
the drinks will be here any minute.

  
Well, in the meantime,
I am obligated to inform you...

  
...pursuant to Megan's Law,
that I am a convicted sex offender.

  
So how old are you?

  
Okay, fine. Rape's not funny,
but murder can be.

  
Murder's not funny either.

  
Maybe not to you,
but if the murderer was a clown...

  
...that would be funny to me.

  
How is that funny?

  
Because he is happy on the outside
but sad on the inside.

  
What?

  
Sad clown wanna kill somebody?

  
-Tear.
-Get away from me. Don't touch me.

  
Wait. Here. Here.

  
-What's wrong with him?
-Oh, he had a bad breakup.

  
You have a friend for him?

  
My friends would never put up with that.

  
Okay, I'm gonna call
a quick timeout here...

  
...while the lesser comedians
of the group...

  
...have a chance
to make their own stripper abuse joke.

  
-What is your prob--?
-Chh!

  
I would rather mainline Drano...

  
...than listen to another second
of your whore prattle.

  
-Less talkie. More booby. Now.
-You know what, I don't need this.

  
Said the fat girl to the cupcake.

  
-I'm sorry.
-Bye, whore.

  
Candy, I'll miss you.

  
-Bambi, I thought we had something.
-Three down, only 97 more to go.

  
Good job, dumb-ass.

  
And now coming to the auxiliary stage...

  
...she has Russian hands
and Roman fingers.

  
Give it up for Natasha.

  
--for the heart

  
Dull headache

  
This is just the start
Of a mad pursuit

  
Chasing down the telephone wire

  
Racing down the road
You can’t lose her

  
You'll try to skip town
She'll find you

  
Are you guys drinking water?
We don't allow Mormons in here.

  
Yes, but we're also drinking
Thug Passion.

  
It's what your mom put in your bottle so
she could watch Young and the Restless.

  
My mom used bourbon.
All the sugar in cognac made me hyper.

  
And judging by the distance
between your eyes...

  
...I'd say your mom drank it all
while you were still in the womb.

  
Did she just make a fetal alcohol joke?

  
-Whoa!
-Wait, wait, wait.

  
When you're done changing
or whatever...

  
...come back over here
and keep talking shit to him.

  
-Please.
-Thank you.

  
-Oh, God.
-Which one do you want?

  
-I'll take the--
-I'll take the one in the pink.

  
And now coming to
the main stage, she's magic on the bowl.

  
She's Whoredini.

  
If we get a champagne room,
we can do anything we want.

  
If we get a hotel room,
we can do anything too.

  
True. But then I don't get paid.

  
I'll give you $20.

  
It's more like 400, baby.

  
-Four hundred?
-Oh, yeah.

  
But you're cute and funny.
I'll do it for 350.

  
-Twenty-five.
-Three hundred and twenty-five?

  
No, just 25.

  
I have to pay the club $1 just to get the room for an hour.

  
That's okay.
My attention span won't last for an hour.

  
-Asshole.
-I'll give you $30.

  
-That won't even buy our drinks.
-Oh, shit.

  
That's what you get.

  
Hold on. If I'm so cute and funny,
why are you even charging me?

  
That's no way to start a relationship.

  
Who said I wanted a relationship?
I already have a boyfriend.

  
I don't want that kind of relationship.
I just wanna fuck you.

  
-Just fuck me?
-Yeah, I'd make a great fuck buddy.

  
All right, potential fuck buddy,
how big is your dick?

  
How big is your mouth?

  
She's got eyes as big as her titties.

  
And, boy, is she a cute little piece of tail.
It's Bambi.

  
If you must know...

  
...my parents yelled at me,
sent me to my room and ignored me.

  
If I was your mom, I would have
locked you up and ignored you too.

  
If you were my mom, I would've been raised
by a talentless hooker rather than a shrew.

  
There's a win-win.

  
You're awfully bitter
for a pasty-faced shut-in.

  
Always been this mean, or did some girl
just trade you in for a better model?

  
Holy shit.

  
She's like a hot Miss Cleo.
Yeah, his girlfriend did just dump him.

  
For Grillionaire, of all people.

  
Grillionaire?

  
Like, "how they do, baby"?
Grillionaire with the diamonds on his teeth?

  
Oh, wow.

  
She may be a vacuous slut with no taste,
but at least she's not a stripper.

  
You think you're so clever.

  
I know a hundred insecure assholes
just like you.

  
I'm sure all your mother's boyfriends
were great guys.

  
If I had a dollar
for every broken-home joke...

  
...I'd have enough to buy
Comic-Con tickets for you...

  
...and all the other orc-mage failures
on your buddy list.

  
Whatever, I've gotta go.

  
Whoa! No, no, no.

  
-Stay, please.
-Finish him.

  
-No, I've gotta get home soon.
-You need to keep talking shit to him.

  
Yeah, he can't stand it when a woman
that gets the best of him. Stay, please.

  
That's unfortunate
because he's a good-looking guy.

  
I've learned my lesson
with guys like your friend.

  
No, he's different.

  
I promise you,
there is a flower inside that onion.

  
-You just have to peel back the layers...
-Peel away.

  
...and fight back the tears.

  
-I'll pay your rate. Just talk shit to him.
-Please.

  
He needs this.

  
Dance, monkey.

  
Dance for your dollar.

  
Could've done without that.

  
-I'll pick it up for you.
-You can keep that.

  
All I have to do is insult him?
No dancing?

  
-That's it.
-Great.

  
-I can't believe that worked.
-Fuck.

  
He might have you there.

  
I'm Lara.

  
What's your name?

  
It's Drew, but why don't we
skip the pleasantries...

  
...and go to the part
where you call me Captain Kirk...

  
...and give me a hand job in the alley?

  
You're a Star Trek nerd?

  
Color me shocked.

  
Live long and prosper, dork.

  
Okay, I'm a dork?

  
You are the one with
a video-game character's name.

  
Genius. That game came out
after I was born.

  
I was named after Agustin Lara.

  
Wait, wait, wait, who is that?

  
A famous Mexican intellectual.

  
That's a funny joke.

  
No funnier than you catching your
girlfriend blowing Grillionaire.

  
Body blow, body blow,
body blow, left hook.

  
Wait a second, wait a second.
You like "Mike Tyson Punch Out"?

  
Bullshit, bullshit.

  
Who was your favorite guy
to fight? Quick.

  
Soda Popinski, because he was
drinking a 40 in his picture.

  
Oh! Dude, this is your dream girl.

  
If you don't make this happen...

  
...you will be a disgrace
to the entire "Halo" community.

  
-How dare you?
-Oh, I will destroy you in "Halo."

  
Oh, yeah, sure you will.

  
And you're an exotic dancer,
not a stripper.

  
You can't handle a girl...

  
...who's better than you
at some stupid game?

  
Okay, you can beat me at "Halo"?

  
Hey, while we're in this fantasy land...

  
...why don't we drive your flying car
over to the bank...

  
...and get you approved for a home loan.

  
-I bet $100 she'll beat you in "Halo."
-I'm not betting on a video game.

  
Gambling is illegal.

  
What?

  
I smell pussy.

  
Then douche before work.

  
Two hundred dollars.

  
I'm not-- I can't leave--

  
Dan's bachelor party
is the reason we're here.

  
No, don't let me keep you here.

  
Nothing would make me happier than
to see her whip your ass at a video game.

  
I would consider it if we had a place
to play and I had my special controller.

  
Well, you're in luck,
because my shift just ended.

  
We can play at my house,
I have everything.

  
Except your candy-ass little controller.

  
-Then it's a bet.
-No.

  
I'm not going
to some vile stripper den.

  
You know her baby daddy
is just waiting there for me...

  
-...so he can roll me and steal my organs.
-How are you friends with this guy?

  
-I have no idea how you're attracted to him.
-I don't know.

  
Probably has something to do with
my caustic sense of humor...

  
...and the inability of your various
stepfathers to show you any affection.

  
Probably.

  
Fellas, I've got a message
from the bar staff.

  
Tonight's house special is Thug's Passion
and it's two for one.

  
-Hey, honey, what’s up?
-Hey.

  
You've finally calmed down?

  
Yeah. You know,
I'm not mad at you anymore.

  
Gee, thanks.

  
-Are you having fun?
-Oh, yeah.

  
Strip clubs are all the same.

  
How's Tucker handling
the no-touch rule?

  
You know, he's coping.

  
Welcome to the stage,
she's got plenty of fright...

  
...with none of the height.

  
She's Salem’s very own Rainbow Sprite.

  
-Dan, where are you?
-A club.

  
No, where are you? Geographically.

  
Um....

  
Close by.

  
I can't believe this.

  
Young man, I don't think
we're gonna need this anymore.

  
-Put Drew on the phone.
-He's leaving with a stripper.

  
Dan, we both know that's ridiculous.
Put Drew on the phone.

  
Hey. It's Kristy.

  
She wants to talk to you.
She thinks we're in Richmond.

  
-Just tell her we're in Richmond.
-Yeah.

  
-Hi, Kristy.
-Drew, where are you guys?

  
We're at a strip club in Salem. Gotta go.

  
I'm not lying for you cretins.

  
My moral compass doesn't point
directly down my pants.

  
Dude, what did--?

  
What do you--?

  
-Fuck.
-Fuck.

  
Dan, why did you go to Salem?

  
I don't know. Tucker....

  
Again, Dan?

  
Again with the Tucker.

  
What are you, his keeper?

  
Is that what you are? You just hang out,
swoop in and save him and take the hit?

  
-I don't know.
-I don't understand why you lied to me.

  
We promised that we'd always be honest
with each other.

  
I don't know why we lied. I just--

  
Enough with the "we."
I don't care why Tucker did what he did.

  
I only care what you did.

  
Honey, you're really that mad?

  
I don't know what to think. I gotta go.

  
Fuck.

  
Well, that's the last time I listen to you.

  
Dude, whatever, she'll get over it.
Tell her it's my fault.

  
It is your fucking fault.

  
Six of one. Dude, don't sweat it, man.

  
What happens in Salem, stays in Salem.

  
Well, clearly it doesn't. My fiancée,
who I lied to because of you, asshole...

  
...is in Richmond and she's pissed.

  
It's all right. Here.

  
This is the 20-minute call
for all dancers to the main stage...

  
...because it is time
for bachelor party duty.

  
-Dude.
-Someone needs a spanking.

  
Dude, this is it, this is it.

  
You need a spanking, man. This is it.

  
Are you fired up?
This is for you, go out on stage, man.

  
She's my cherry pie

  
Cool drink of water
Such a sweet surprise

  
Let's give it
up for Rainbow Sprite, everybody.

  
I'll be right back. Stay there.

  
Take your time, dickhead.

  
-Where are you going?
-I just, um--

  
-I'll be right back.
-What about your friend?

  
Oh, he's fine. He's fine.
Don't worry about him. Big boy.

  
Fuck.

  
Hey, I'm Gulliver. How are you doing?

  
She's sweet and sticky,
but she won't give you a cavity.

  
-Fuck.
-Let's say hello to Candy.

  
This place sucks. You wanna get
out of here? Do something more fun?

  
I need to tell you something
before we go inside.

  
Oh, I fucking knew it.

  
I'm gonna get jumped.
They're gonna take my kidneys.

  
No. I have a son. He'll be asleep.

  
But I wanted to tell you before you tripped
over his army men in the living room.

  
What's his name?

  
Jack. He's 7.

  
Is he named after his baby daddy
or the liquor on which he was conceived?

  
Neither. It's just a strong name.

  
I think a little boy needs a strong name.

  
I'm not a fan
of those androgynous names...

  
...like Pat or Jesse or Drew.

  
Bitch.

  
I can't say I'm shocked.

  
Having a kid is one of the top three excuses
strippers use to justify their career choice.

  
Really?

  
And what are the other two?

  
The paying my way through college lie
heads up that list.

  
That's in the Whore Logic Hall of Fame.

  
And the other one?

  
It's better than being a hooker
or doing porn.

  
You know,
strippers don't actually say that.

  
Bullshit, they don't.
You need to watch Maury Povich.

  
Jack, aren't you supposed to be in bed?

  
Bunny said I could stay up and play.

  
But it doesn't matter.
Your bedtime is your bedtime.

  
Greetings.

  
Uh....

  
The army men the good guys?

  
I see you have
some robot truck men here too.

  
You shouldn't mix genres like that.

  
It screws up the morale
and jeopardizes the efficacy of your tactics.

  
Okay, I guess we can work with it.

  
What exactly are you playing?

  
Well, the GI Bobs
are gonna surprise attack those Legos.

  
I know that you are but 7 years old.

  
This rigmarole you have here
just won't work.

  
Your flanks are exposed.

  
You're vulnerable to an enfilade
from Lego artillery.

  
I think it's time
that you learn the proper way...

  
...to set up an L-shaped ambush.

  
What's a flank?

  
It's a good thing I came.

  
And now, it's time
for our man of the hour...

  
...our bachelor of the night.

  
Give it up for Big Dan.

  
I had a baby named Jane

  
She could shake that thing

  
Said her daddy used to hang
With Johnny Coltrane

  
She sang a soul train
With a friend named Jen

  
Her booty was bigger
Than a Mercedes-Benz

  
No, no, no.

  
I said off.

  
No, no, no.

  
You asshole.

  
-Get on your feet.
-Come on, asshole. Party's over.

  
-Yeah.
-Get out of here.

  
That's it.

  
-Asshole.
-Okay.

  
Your army men are set up
in the perfect ambush.

  
Once the Legos get to the kill zone,
no matter what they do, they're toast.

  
Yes.

  
You might not grow up to be a failure
at life after all, kid.

  
Okay. Now it's time for bed.

  
Say thank you to Drew for teaching you
how to attack your Legos.

  
Thanks, Drew.

  
Tomorrow can you teach me
other ambushes?

  
I think I've stunted your growth
enough for one week.

  
But maybe next time I can teach you
how to use standoffish humor...

  
...as a mask for your inability
to relate to people on a personal level.

  
Yay.

  
-Yeah.
-Good night, Drew.

  
Good night, Jack.

  
Fuck.

  
What the hell are you doing?

  
Oh, uh....

  
Don't mind me, boys.
I'm just baking a quiche.

  
Are you pissing?
That's an actual offense.

  
Ooh.

  
-Mr. Plastic-Badge gonna give me a ticket?
-What the fuck did you just say?

  
How will I ever face my life again?

  
Let me ask you something,
Deputy Dipshit.

  
Are you a cop...

  
...because you have a GED or because
you have erectile dysfunction?

  
-I'm really curious to know.
-Hey, hey.

  
-Are you goddamn shitting me?
-What the fuck?

  
Fuck. Fuck.

  
"You didn't lie to her, Dan. I did."

  
"You didn't lie to her, Dan. I did."

  
Stupid shit. You know what they did?
They left me at a strip club.

  
My friends are fucking idiots.

  
"And the syrup nugget, it explodes in your
mouth and then I'll skull fuck you."

  
Fucking stupid.

  
Fuck it. I gotta get the fuck out of here
and call her. I don't have friends.

  
My friends are douche bags.

  
You guys are probably more fun
to hang out with than my fucking friends.

  
They're fucking stupid.

  
All I wanted was a bouncy castle.

  
A bouncy castle at the reception.
Just a bouncy castle.

  
I gotta get out. Gotta call my wife.
She's never gonna take me back.

  
Who's with me? Who's with me?
Somebody has gotta be with me.

  
I am the only one who speaks English.

  
-That's no problem, ése.
-What?

  
-Yeah.
-Yeah.

  
Yeah.

  
Who's with me? Who--? Yeah.

  
Revolution!

  
-Hey, look, it's the cops.
-All right, assholes. Last chance.

  
What the hell is going on in here?

  
Holy shit, it's like Police Academy,
only gayer.

  
And you....

  
-Lights out, motherfucker.
-It's a fucking joke, it's a joke.

  
"Halo 1” shotgun gun wizard
was the best board.

  
Totally.

  
Jack's a good kid.

  
Damn it.

  
Thanks.

  
I mean, I usually wanna kick most kids
into a wood chipper.

  
How are you kicking my ass?

  
That means a lot.

  
He's had a tough time since his dad left.

  
I told you I was better.

  
-I can beat Koreans.
-Why did he leave?

  
Son of a bitch,
where are you even shooting me from?

  
He thought
that I was cheating on him...

  
...so he decided to get even
and screw anything that moved.

  
Were you?

  
I mean, it wouldn't surprise me.

  
Your whole gender
is hardwired for whoredom.

  
Are you in pink armor?

  
I hate it when men
randomly bash women.

  
It's like this pathetic defense mechanism
you guys put up...

  
...when you know you're attracted
to a woman who might not be into you.

  
-That's not-- That's not true.
-Yes, it is.

  
It's so much easier
to call a girl a whore...

  
...than it is to admit to yourself
she's out of your league.

  
That is some whore logic
if I've ever heard it.

  
Anyone is capable
of being a whore, Drew.

  
Being a woman
doesn't de facto make you one.

  
It does if you're
a cum-guzzling demon slut.

  
Fine.

  
But your ex is only representative of herself,
not her whole gender.

  
Her actions don't make me a whore
simply because we're both women.

  
Did you cheat?

  
No.

  
If you ever wanna find love again
you're gonna have to get over...

  
...these childish notions that you have.

  
If you don't...

  
...your personal life will remain
the steaming pile of shit that it is now.

  
Game over. Killing frenzy.

  
Motherfucker.

  
You're the pink mist.

  
If I kiss you, will you shut up already?

  
-Are you okay?
-Yeah, I'm okay.

  
Where am I?

  
Uh, uh....

  
Drunk tank, ése.

  
That's disgusting.

  
I hope that wasn't one of you guys.

  
Fuck. Can I make a call, man?

  
Sorry.

  
-Operator.
-Yeah, hi.

  
I need to make a collect call...

  
...to 323-351 -7640.

  
State your name after the beep.

  
It's Dan.

  
-Operator.
-Uh, yeah.

  
Can you try...

  
...281 -555-8009?

  
State your name after the beep.

  
Dan.

  
Son of a bitch, where the hell are you?

  
-I'm right here, sir.
-No, not you.

  
Look, can you just try one more?
Can you try...

  
...91 8-555-7640?

  
State your name after the beep.

  
What the fuck? Are you fucking with me?

  
It's Dan, just dial the fucking phone
so I don't spend the last of my days in--

  
Fuck!

  
-What?
-This is the Salem City...

  
-...Jail Operator with a collect call from:
-Are you fucking with me?

  
It's Dan, dial the fucking phone
so I don't spend the last of my days--

  
-Fuck.
-Daniel?

  
Oh, Jesus. Mrs. Jorgens?

  
What’s going on?

  
Can you get Kristy for me?

  
No, I cannot. Where are you?

  
I'm in jail.

  
-What a shock.
-Mom, is that Dan?

  
Fuck.

  
-Hey.
-Dude, how did it go?

  
-Everything good?
-Of course.

  
-What did you think was gonna happen?
-What do I think?

  
Get away! Mommy! No!
Get away! No! Mommy!

  
That's ridiculous.
I already have all those toys.

  
Hey, Jack.

  
Hey. Hey.

  
-Where's my 200 bucks?
-Oh, you mean my 200 bucks?

  
Yeah, she's good.

  
Nice, well played.

  
Hey.

  
You can have this.

  
Wow.

  
Thanks, Jack.

  
Hey, you know what?

  
I want you to have this.

  
A GI Bob keychain.

  
Bob was the commander
for the soldiers that went to battle.

  
-He was my favorite when I was your age.
-Wow.

  
You gotta promise me one thing, though.

  
You take care of all your soldiers
just like Bob.

  
-Especially your mom.
-I promise.

  
All right.

  
-I'll call you when I get home.
-Okay.

  
Keep working on your ambushes, buddy.

  
Bye, Drew.

  
Did you just give your Bob keychain
to a whore baby?

  
She's not a whore.

  
Okay.

  
Wow.

  
Here you go, man.
I got you one of these suckers.

  
Where's Dan?

  
Holy shit.

  
Jesus Christ, man.
What the fuck happened to you?

  
Let's fucking go.

  
Dude, you are not gonna believe
what happened to me.

  
You know the feeling you get
when you're looking for that someone...

  
...and you are trying so hard
you think you might never find her?

  
And then,
just as you're about to give up...

  
...the clouds part, the path widens,
and there she is.

  
Gentlemen, last night
I reached the mountaintop.

  
Drew, you had just left the bar
when I saw her.

  
My midget princess.

  
Her dark hair and sparkling eyes
reminded me of Alyssa Milano.

  
Her compressed cervical vertebrae
and bowed legs...

  
...told me exactly
what Alyssa Milano would look like...

  
...if she were placed in a vise
and squished to one-quarter size.

  
So as her pigeon-toed feet
carried her past our table...

  
...I slid down in my chair,
hoping to catch her eye.

  
She looked at me.

  
Her mashed-up teeth...

  
...sparkling in the oily light
of the novelty condom machine.

  
I gave her my unmistakable
I-want-to-fuck-you eyes.

  
She shot back a quick
my-spine-hurts face, and I was smitten.

  
She went to the bar, ordered a drink.
I took the stool next to hers.

  
Hey, I'm Gulliver. How are you doing?

  
The beer bottle looked massive
in her tiny little hands.

  
All I could think about was how big
those hands would make my penis look.

  
-She ate it up.
-I'm not a dwarf, I'm a little person.

  
Is that what Doc told you, Grumpy?

  
She laughed her tiny little laugh
at my tiny little jokes...

  
...and then threw me a fastball
down the middle.

  
So, what do you want to do?

  
It was the tiny little opening I needed.

  
I wanna make a mess in your mouth.

  
-Let's go to my place, then.
-Okay.

  
Just to be safe, leave the pickax here.

  
I don't want you tunneling under the bed,
looking for diamonds. It'll freak me out.

  
Without a tiny little second thought,
she swung down from the stool...

  
...took my pinky in her sausage fingers
and guided me out the door.

  
Wait.

  
You mean to tell me
that I have this and this...

  
...because you wanted to fuck
an Oompa Loompa, are you serious?

  
Dude, it was destiny.

  
You remember?

  
The midget stripper the professor
was talking about in class yesterday.

  
I went on Westlaw...

  
...and found out where she worked
before I picked up Drew.

  
You've never been
to that strip club before?

  
No. I mean, not until last time.

  
Holy shit.

  
That's why you took us
to that crappy bar.

  
That's why you had me call information
to find out where the club was.

  
Yes.

  
-The bachelor party was just a fucking ruse?
-Dan, Dan, Dan.

  
How many people do you know
who have fucked a midget?

  
-You don't think that's awesome?
-Are you fucking kidding me?

  
Here you go. Keep it down?
Watch your language.

  
I might not have a fiancée anymore
because you dragged me into a lie...

  
...that I didn't want
or fucking need to be a part of.

  
Now I have to go back to Richmond
and beg her for her forgiveness...

  
...and plead with her
not to cancel the wedding...

  
...that we have been planning
for two fucking years, Tucker.

  
Two fucking years.

  
I--

  
And what am I gonna do
when I get there, huh?

  
Look at my fucking face, man.

  
I look like I've been on the wrong end
of a prison beating because I fucking have.

  
Dude.

  
Let me finish my story.
It's not always about you.

  
-Dan, Dan, Dan!
-About me?

  
-Come on, come on.
-Oh, my God.

  
-Jesus.
-Get off of me!

  
-Dude. It was a midget.
-Hey, hey, hey!

  
Right now, if I were Tucker,
I would shut the fuck up.

  
-I will tell you one thing--
-I don't wanna hear it, Mom.

  
I don't wanna hear it.

  
No good Baptist would be caught dead
drinking to excess...

  
...or getting arrested
for causing a ruckus.

  
Of course not,
good Baptists don't get caught.

  
That's right.

  
They just sit in judgment of others...

  
...refusing to help them
when they need it the most.

  
Don't you get smart with me,
young lady.

  
It is not my fault that you decided
to fall in love with some...

  
-...fair-weather Protestant.
-Oh, my God.

  
Ordaining women.

  
-And marrying the homosexuals.
-Mother!

  
Well, it's true.

  
A religion with all of the spirituality
and none of the guilt? Ha-ha-ha.

  
Oh, please.

  
It's not right.

  
Well, now, look who the Lord has chosen
to deliver unto this happy home.

  
We need to talk.

  
-Good gracious, Daniel, your face.
-What happened to you?

  
-Babe, I'm sorry.
-Sorry?

  
The wedding is ruined. Look at your face!

  
Enough, Mom.

  
Oh, my-- Well, we have to postpone it.

  
I cannot display your wedding photos
in my house. What will people think?

  
This isn't about you and your baloney.

  
Honey, are you okay?

  
Babe.

  
God, you just gotta stop letting Tucker
get you into these messes.

  
Look, I get it.

  
Are you okay?

  
I'm fine.

  
You better stop laughing.

  
-You don't look fine.
-Shut up.

  
Baby.

  
Gross. We have to go.

  
-I'll work you over like I did these guys.
-Oh, yeah?

  
I killed them.

  
-Dude, what's good for positive thinking?
-Penance.

  
Exercise is supposed to be good,
let's play some hoops.

  
We have class.

  
That place we pay 35 grand a year
to attend between happy hours.

  
Eh, that place is dumb.

  
Have you talked to Dan?

  
I tried calling him a bunch of times,
but he didn't pick up.

  
What? He's not actually pissed, is he?

  
Has your id-driven narcissism
completely stripped you...

  
...of the ability to evaluate
the consequences of your actions?

  
-Dude, this is not that big of a deal.
-Are you drunk?

  
How have you gotten this far in life
without understanding this stuff?

  
I'll apologize to him tomorrow
when we get to the hotel.

  
That way we can be done
with all this bullshit.

  
God truly does protect children and fools,
because you are both, Tucker.

  
That guy on the left, he's a vegan.

  
-Really?
-Look at those abs, Jesus.

  
No meat, just abs.

  
Oh, this sounds good. Kick his ass.

  
-I'm so tired.
-Ugh.

  
Yay.

  
It's Tucker. You wanna talk to him?

  
Hey, is Dan here?

  
Yo, dude.

  
Can I come in? Talk?

  
I'm coming in.

  
Yo, Dan. Dude.

  
Sorry.

  
Whatever.

  
Okay.

  
All right, what should I do?

  
-Apologize sincerely.
-I just did.

  
Tucker, what kind of fantasy world
do you live in?

  
One word and a guy head nod
isn't a sincere apology.

  
What am I supposed to say?
I'm not a mind reader.

  
Do you understand
the magnitude of the situation?

  
He lied to me for you.

  
He landed in jail because you failed
as a friend in every way possible.

  
-I didn't make him lie to you.
-He lied because he's your friend, Tucker.

  
-To protect you.
-That's stupid, protect me from what?

  
From his future wife thinking his best friend
is a selfish, lying son of a bitch.

  
Except for you know what?
It's even worse than that.

  
Because I always knew you were selfish.

  
Now I worry
that you're this destructive force...

  
...that I can't trust
to protect the man I love.

  
-It was a bachelor party.
-Tucker, look at me.

  
You don't understand.

  
Part of friendship is knowing boundaries.
Do you know what Dan's are?

  
-Yeah, of course.
-You do?

  
Yeah.

  
What? So you just ignored them?

  
Pushed right past them?

  
He sacrificed
his line in the sand for you...

  
...and you couldn't sacrifice
a midget vagina for him.

  
And you wonder why you're not welcome
at our wedding.

  
I'm not invited?

  
No, Tucker, you're not.

  
There's no way. What does Dan say?

  
You don't get it.
I don't care if you're at our wedding.

  
It's Dan who doesn't want you there.

  
Fuck it.

  
It's Tucker.

  
-Thanks.
-Mm-hm.

  
-What's up?
-What are you doing, man?

  
Nothing. Lara's here.

  
Oh, cool, let's all hang out.

  
Get some drinks.
We can take the stripper dancing.

  
Yeah, no thanks.
We're just gonna stay in tonight.

  
We got a long day tomorrow.

  
Getting pussy doesn't mean
you need to be a pussy. Let's all hang out.

  
Yes, Tucker. Insult us
and insistently reassert your initial demand.

  
-That will make the difference.
-What are you talking about?

  
You already submarined
one relationship this week.

  
I'd like a chance to see if mine can float
before you torpedo it, all right?

  
I gotta go.

  
Fuck them if they can't take a joke.

  
I have two cats. A girl and a boy.

  
Abigail Lulu Dibiase
and Jersey Lemon Dibiase.

  
Why do you own cats?

  
Do you enjoy having big boxes of shit
all around your house?

  
-I clean the litter boxes every day.
-Wow, God.

  
Does it not bother you
how haughty they are?

  
They could give a fuck about you.

  
Not my cats.

  
They're not like regular cats,
they're like dogs.

  
Now, see, that is right on cue.
Every cat person says that.

  
Now, you know
what's not like a regular cat?

  
A fucking dog.

  
There's no need to thank me.

  
The silent, awed adoration
is its own reward.

  
What you doing?

  
I'm talking to the turtles.

  
Are they telling you to kill
that fat girl behind us?

  
Because that's what
they're telling me to do.

  
What? How can you be mad about that?

  
-Fat girls aren't real people.
-How can a man say something like that?

  
Well, usually I don't say it.
Usually it's my friend Drew.

  
And then I come in, pick up the girl
on the rebound. But he's not here.

  
So you're drinking alone?

  
That's one of the beginning stages
of alcoholism, you know.

  
Oh, I am way past the beginning stages.

  
I already hide liquor
and drink alone in the dark.

  
-That's sad.
-No, it isn't.

  
Think about it.
Drinking is highly underrated.

  
What are the detriments to drinking?

  
-I don't know.
-You don't know.

  
Okay, how about it hurts relationships
with family and friends?

  
I don't like my family
and my friends drink as much as me.

  
How about it causes
long-term health problems?

  
I drive way too fast
to worry about anything long-term.

  
Now, it costs money. I'll give you that.

  
But I'm gonna spend my money
recklessly anyway.

  
Better on alcohol
than on drugs or pornography.

  
How about it causes
rude and aberrant behavior?

  
I'm an asshole when I'm sober,
drinking actually calms me down.

  
Now, think about its benefits.
Makes me invulnerable to criticism.

  
Makes ugly people attractive,
boring people interesting.

  
It makes hot girls like me.
For my money, the choice is obvious.

  
Motherfucker!

  
Oh, Mongo got angry! Mongo smash!

  
You just totally blew your chance,
you know.

  
There you were standing by yourself...

  
...when two hot girls
decided to talk to you.

  
-What hot girls?
-Us!

  
That was gonna be my question too.
What hot girls?

  
-God bless your overworked heart.
-Oh, another fat-girl joke.

  
That really cuts deep.

  
The only way that I could cut you deep
is with a battleaxe and a running start.

  
-Yo, yo, did you hear that chick?
-You ever seen Wedding Crashers?

  
They look like they're a when they're standing there.

  
What do you mean? You can count
that high? Skinny, fat one, zero?

  
-Let's go.
-What a dickhead.

  
Nice striped shirt, Luigi.

  
Hey, Olive Oyl, I can't believe
you picked Bluto over Popeye.

  
That's fucked up.

  
At least I'm not at the bar
drinking by myself.

  
Fuck you, fatty.

  
I wanted to go the party, but he didn't call.

  
Hey, how's it going?

  
-This is beautiful, this ring is beautiful.
-Thanks.

  
You married or do you wear that
to keep the douche bags away?

  
No, I'm actually married.

  
-Then how good is your marriage?
-Good enough to keep me in it.

  
-Then what are you doing here?
-Girls' night out.

  
Come on, isn't that just code for:

  
"Hey, let's get drunk
and suck off hot guys in the bathroom? "

  
Maybe for the girls you hang out with.

  
Are you calling my mom a slut?

  
Does she know you talk like that?

  
Does your husband know
you flirt with men you meet in bars?

  
-Does it really fucking matter?
-No, it doesn't.

  
You're not gonna invite me in?

  
-There's only one toilet.
-There's a sink, isn't there?

  
Do you always hit on women
in the bathroom line?

  
Nope.

  
-Only hot ones I want to sleep with.
-You think I'm hot?

  
Baby, you're so hot, if I were dating you,
I'd never leave the house.

  
I'd never even leave your vaginal area,
unless I was coming on your face.

  
You are a naughty little boy.

  
What makes you think
I'm gonna have sex with you?

  
Oh, please.

  
I'm gonna hit it so hard...

  
...whoever pulls me out of you
is gonna become king of England.

  
-Excuse us.
-Hello.

  
-You're next, Gertrude.
-Shameful.

  
Fuck.

  
-Are you all right?
-Yeah.

  
-Ready?
-Wait.

  
What the fuck?

  
I gotta take a shit.

  
No, wait. I gotta go first, okay?

  
-What?
-Baby, wait. I'll just be a second.

  
Oh, fuck.

  
Goddamn.

  
-What are you doing in there?
-Nothing.

  
It doesn't sound like nothing. Hurry up!

  
I'll be right out.

  
Turn on the fan.

  
Light a match or something.

  
Oh, fuck.

  
-I'm sorry. Oh, no.
-Some air freshener in around here.

  
-I'm not feeling so good.
-You're okay.

  
I should go.

  
-No, no, no, what?
-I'm going.

  
Fuck, what is that smell? Holy shit.

  
Fuck! You clogged it.

  
You clogged a motherfucking hotel toilet.

  
What kind of constipated meth-head bowel
movement does it take to clog a hotel toilet?

  
Sorry.

  
Hello?

  
Oh, fuck.

  
Thank you very much. Bathroom?

  
-Where's the bathroom?
-In the main lobby.

  
Main lobby.

  
What lobby is--? Oh, fuck it.

  
Fucking shit! Where's the bathroom?

  
Which way is the fucking...?

  
Oh, no, no, no.

  
Fuck.

  
Fuck.

  
Oh, fuck, no.

  
Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck.

  
Shit.

  
Oh, fuck.

  
Fuck!

  
I'm sorry.

  
God, I hope they serve beer in hell.

  
You may kiss the bride.

  
And now will you please rise?

  
Yep.

  
Yeah. Yeah, I know.

  
Yep, yep. The biggest one you got.

  
Okay, thank you very much.

  
Hold it. Hold it. Good.

  
This is good. Okay. Can I get you
to move your head a little--?

  
This time, all she could do
was talk about her and Dan.

  
They couldn't stop looking at each other
and holding hands.

  
After that, I knew he was a keeper.

  
And I was right. I love you, Kristy.

  
Hey, I'm Jeff.
I'm Dan's older brother and his best man.

  
Dan and I go way back.

  
In fact, I kind of feel like
I've known him in my whole life.

  
When Dan told he'd met the girl
he was gonna marry...

  
...I didn't believe it.

  
Only a few short years ago,
he was throwing rocks at girls...

  
...and now
he is putting one on her finger.

  
Oh, God.

  
I have known Kristy
for a few years now...

  
...and I couldn't ask
for a better sister-in-law.

  
Here is to my little bro and his bride.

  
All right, Sling Blade, give me that mike.

  
Some of you may not know me.
My name is Tucker Max.

  
Dan's my best friend.

  
At least he was, until last week when I took
advantage of Dan's kindness and loyalty.

  
I forced him into lying to Kristy,
dragged him two hours away...

  
...got him abusively drunk, and then
ditched him to sleep with a midget stripper.

  
I am the reason that, on the most
important day of Dan's life...

  
...Dan's face looks like
a melted Barbie doll's.

  
Just wait.

  
The worst part is, I didn't know
I was doing anything wrong.

  
I was just doing what I've always done,
which is pretty much whatever I want.

  
And to be honest,
it's worked out pretty well for me so far.

  
Up until about 24 hours ago...

  
...when my selfishness
finally caught up with me...

  
...and cost me Dan's friendship
and my invitation to this wedding.

  
Still, I shrugged it off
and went out last night anyway.

  
I'm not gonna bore you,
but the long and short of it is, I got drunk...

  
...and ended the night
sprinting across the hotel lobby...

  
...uncontrollably shitting my pants.

  
Ha-ha. No, really,
I crapped all over the lobby.

  
And continuing
with my selfish behavior...

  
...I left my mess, went back to my
hotel room and acted like nothing happened.

  
The only thing that kept me
from passing out in a pile of my own puke...

  
...was all the knocking at the door.

  
Staring into her angry, overworked face,
I had a moment of clarity.

  
Someone else
always cleans up my mess.

  
And for the past few years,
that person has been Dan.

  
At 3 in the morning,
down on my knees...

  
...literally cleaning up my own shit
for the first time in my adult life...

  
...I finally understood
what an amazing person Dan is...

  
...and how lucky I am...

  
...or was, to call him my friend.

  
Dan, Kristy.

  
When I came to your hotel room last night
to say I'm sorry...

  
...I honestly didn't understand
what I was apologizing for.

  
But in the last 24 hours, it's hit me.

  
It's hit me
like 10 pounds of slippery shit.

  
I've been a terrible friend.

  
And even though I probably don't deserve
either of you in my life...

  
...I had to come down here and tell you that
and ask for your forgiveness.

  
And I hope you will accept
my sincere apology.

  
Now....

  
I know that this is probably gonna scare
the crap out of most of you...

  
...but I hope to have kids someday.

  
And I'm sure
that I will only have daughters...

  
...and they will all be vicious sluts
who sleep with assholes like me...

  
...and throw back it in my face.
But such is karma.

  
If one is a boy, though...

  
...I would consider myself
a huge success as a father...

  
...if he grew up to be half the man
Dan is right now.

  
That's so sweet.

  
Strippers.

  
Dan.

  
I never thanked you...

  
...never acknowledged you...

  
...never even really thought about it.
I just took from you, dude.

  
I'm really sorry.

  
So for once,
I want to give you something back.

  
-No.
-Here we go, follow me.

  
Let's go. Get up.

  
Wedding's going outside.
You're gonna love it. You're gonna love it.

  
You're gonna love it.

  
Here we go. Come on, come on.

  
Yeah. Yeah.

  
Get it. Go get it.

  
Oh, yeah. Yeah.

  
All right, it's open.

  
Three!

  
Tucker, I gotta say,
when you came in here, I almost died.

  
I didn't know what you were gonna do.

  
That speech was really good.

  
Thank you. You guys deserve it.

  
Yeah, we did.

  
Come here.

  
Congratulations.

  
-Weddings are gay.
-Thank you.

  
-You're welcome.
-I am going to go check on the guests.

  
Well, I'm gonna go check on Jack.

  
Bye.

  
All right, you really fucked a midget?

  
Oh, yeah.

  
When she's riding you,
can you spin her like a top?

  
Dude, I tried, but her vagina's too shallow.
The physics were all wrong.

  
-Did you really shit the lobby?
-Oh, yeah.

  
Did you really clean it up?

  
Well, the janitor did show up
with the mop and the bucket.

  
You guys have known me for many years.
What do you think Tucker would do?

  
I knew it.
You don't even do your own laundry.

  
Un-fucking-believable, bro.
You didn't clean it up.

  
You show up at my wedding,
pour out your heart, and it's all bullshit.

  
It's not all bullshit.

  
I don't need to actually clean up the mess
to learn the lesson.

  
I don't even know why
this shocks me anymore.

  
Oh, dude.

  
I'll be right back.

  
Whoa, whoa, whoa, careful.

  
Watch your step.

  
That's my cousin.