The In-Laws Script - Dialogue Transcript

The In-Laws Script

  


 
Let's call in, huh?

 
Hello, this is Alpha and Beta, over.

 
We read you, A/pha Beta. Location, over.

 
We're whipping along South Factory...

 
...and should be coming into the old
mintaroonie in about nine minutes at  10:00.

 
Over and out.

 
What's going on?

 
Wait a minute!
Oh, Christ! Arabs!

 
- What're you talking about?
- Chrissakes!

 
Base? This is Alpha Beta.

 
Come in. Come in, base.

 
I bet it's Arabs. I saw a TV show.
This is what they do.

 
- Come in, base. This is Alpha Beta.
- Jesus!

 
- This is Alpha Beta. Come in, base!
- Goddamned Arabs!

 
- They're lowering us now.
- What's happening? What's wrong?

 
- We're jammed!
- Jammed?

 
We better get somebody on that radio!
We can't use it jammed.

 
We're the U.S. Treasury, for chrissake.
This ain't no Wells Fargo truck!

 
I'll get you! Here,
I'll get your ass! I'll get you!

 
Get out of there!

 
What's this shit?
There's nothing but money in here.

 
That's the ticket. Let's go.

 
Vince.

 
Hey, Vince.

 
Hey.

 
Hey.

 
- Hey, Vince.
- Gee, I can't believe this trade.

 
What do the Mets
need another pitcher for?

 
All they got is pitchers.

 
What're we doing up here?
I don't understand.

 
Oh, there's reasons. I mean,
you know, I don't just do things.

 
There's always a valid reason.
Let me see.

 
- All right. Any problems?
- None.

 
Fabulous. Fabulous work.

 
Now what's the story on this?
You gonna bill me?

 
- He wants a million, five.
- No sweat.

 
- By tomorrow.
- What?

 
- I'm sorry. That's what he said.
- That's completely nuts!

 
My kid is getting married Sunday.

 
How the hell does he expect me
to come up with that money?

 
Do you know how tied up
I've been with this?

 
I haven't even met
the bride's family yet.

 
If it was up to me, you could take
two weeks, but that's what he told me!

 
Jesus Christ.

 
Okay. I just have to
work something out, that's all.

 
Thanks for everything.
How's the wife?

 
She's fine. You know,
she's taking up tennis?

 
- No kidding?
- Yeah.

 
I can never get the hang of it.
I don't know what the hell it is.

 
You know, maybe it's because
you have to wear short pants to play.

 
I guess we ought to
break this thing up, huh?

 
- Take it easy.
- You too, Vince.

 
Evita, give Acme a call. I'm not
happy with the viscosity on these bibs.

 
Okay, here we go, Mr. Hirschorn.
Just open your mouth, please.

 
Mr. Hirschorn,
take your hand down...

 
...put your head back,
open your mouth.

 
That's it.

 
Mr. Hirschorn,
I cannot work this way.

 
Doc,    years I have this tooth.

 
- He don't wanna die.
- Your tooth is not a "he."

 
It's nerves, enamel,
rotten and it's gotta go.

 
- No big deal.
- Seventy-two years.

 
This tooth had steaks. This tooth
had just beans when I was poor.

 
- Mr. Hirschorn.
- This tooth chewed on beautiful women...

 
...including a second cousin
of Sophie Tucker.

 
- Your tooth's had a wonder...
- Dr. Kornpett.

 
- Your wife is on the line.
- I'll be right there.

 
Your tooth had a wonderful life.
Now it's time to say goodbye.

 
I understand.

 
But I want you to know
what kind of a tooth this was.

 
It's an extraordinary tooth.

 
It's an honor to pull it out,
which I'll do after I answer this phone call.

 
Excuse me.

 
How's it going?

 
The tent up? Terrific.

 
Yeah, I'm getting excited.
Is Barbara home?

 
- Yes, she's here being very domestic.
- Hi.

 
- She says hi.
- And remember the wine.

 
Oh, and remember the wine.

 
No. Not Beaujolais.
Get something fancier.

 
- A St. Emilion or a good California.
- Cabernet's great.

 
Julia Child says Cabernet's great.
Will you be home early tonight?

 
 :oo sharp.
He's definitely coming over?

 
Sweetheart, I'll believe it
when I see him.

 
No, I'll behave myself.

 
Listen, I got somebody
in the chair so I gotta go.

 
Me too. Goodbye.

 
My daughter's
getting married on Sunday.

 
Oh, no kidding.

 
- That's great. Congratulations. Maze/ tov.
- Thanks.

 
- Nice boy?
- Yes. Second year law student at Yale.

 
- And the parents?
- Well, the mother's very nice.

 
The father does
international consulting work.

 
He travels a lot, so we haven't seen him.
He's coming to dinner tonight.

 
- Call it off.
- Call what off?

 
The wedding.
Until you know the father.

 
- Well, it's Sunday, we're...
- Call it off.

 
She's marrying the son,
not the father.

 
The son is the acorn.
You gotta look at the tree.

 
I've been around a little.
Give a listen.

 
By the way, here.

 
- What's that? Your tooth?
- I pulled it when you were on the phone.

 
You're a nice boy. You could
hurt yourself pulling like that.

 
- Now, do me a favor.
- I can't call it off, Mr. Hirschorn.

 
It's not   th-century Minsk.
It's  oth-century Manhattan.

 
- I hope I'm wrong.
- You're wrong.

 
- Best of luck to you.
- Thank you.

 
- Forget I said anything.
- I forgot already.

 
- False alarm.
- I hope they haven't had an accident.

 
Mr. Ricardo's been out of town.
Maybe he got hung up.

 
Hung up.

 
I have to take the roast beef
out of the oven.

 
- Just put it on the warmer.
- I'll try.

 
- Hour late. Great start.
- I'm sure there's a good reason.

 
- Why couldn't he call?
- Lf he's in bad traffic, he can't call.

 
- Why are you taking their side?
- I'm not taking anybody's side.

 
- You're still in our family, Barbara.
- God, don't lay this on me.

 
They're late.
Don't make it a family issue.

 
He's such a hotshot, how come he
doesn't have a phone in the car?

 
- Who said he was a hotshot?
- You did. Travels all over the world.

 
Hasn't got time to meet the new in-laws.

 
I had a patient today, said I should
call the whole thing off.

 
Well, that's a brilliant solution
to the problem.

 
- Coupe de Ville?
- That's them.

 
Are you okay
or are you gonna be totally hostile?

 
I'm fine. I'm fine.

 
Will you ever forgive me?

 
- Please, come in.
- Welcome.

 
- Count on Vince.
- It's my fault. I had business in Canada...

 
...and damn Canadians,
they never stop talking.

 
I know what it's like.

 
You must be the lovely mother
of the bride.

 
I am.

 
Now I know where Barbara
gets her good looks.

 
We're very glad you're here.
I'm Sheldon Kornpett.

 
I'm just thrilled to meet you.

 
Tommy tells me you were the first dentist
to use that drill that spritzes water.

 
Among the first in New York.
Why are we standing in the hallway?

 
- Please, come in and have a drink?
- Well, I certainly could use one.

 
- Shelley, have you...?
- People, I hate to say this. But if we...

 
...don't sit down right away,
that roast beef is going to be inedible.

 
Well, I'm starving.

 
I'll take the drink orders in there,
and I'll make them up myself.

 
- I'm petrified.
- My father was a maniac before you came.

 
Vince, how long did you
actually live in Guatemala?

 
He was gone for ages.

 
I was in the jungle, the bush, we called it...

 
...for approximately nine months.
- Nine months?

 
My God, that really must
have been something.

 
Sheldon, it was unbelievable.
I saw things...

 
They have tsetse flies down there
the size of eagles. Really.

 
In the evening, I would stand in front
of my hut and watch in horror...

 
...as these giant flies would pick children
off the ground and carry them away.

 
- My God.
- Oh, the things he told us.

 
Oh, it was an incredible sight.
Peasants screaming...

 
...chasing these flies down the road,
waving brooms.

 
You can imagine
the pathetic quality of this.

 
Waving these crudely fashioned brooms
at these enormous flies...

 
...as they carried their children off
to almost certain death.

 
Oh, my, that is just
the most horrible thing.

 
You're sure these are flies
you're talking about?

 
Flies.

 
Natives had a name for them.

 
José Grecos de Muertos.

 
"Flamenco dancers of death."

 
You took those slides of them
that never came out, remember?

 
That's a shame. I really would've
liked to have seen those slides.

 
Yeah, I left them in a jacket
that got Martinized.

 
It broke my heart. Those slides
would've won me the Pulitzer Prize.

 
The enormous flies flapping
slowly away into the sunset.

 
Small brown babies
clutched in their beaks.

 
Beaks? Flies with beaks?

 
A sight I'll never forget.
I was stunned. Appalled.

 
What did you do?

 
What did I do?

 
As a consultant,
what did you do about the flies?

 
Sadly, there is very little you can do because
of the tremendous red tape in the bush.

 
- There's red tape in the bush?
- Enormous red tape, Sheldon.

 
These files, for example.

 
They're protected against pilferage under the
provisions of the Guacamole Act of     .

 
I've been getting
The Nationa/ Geographic for years...

 
Dad, could I have some more wine?

 
Oh, I'd like some too,
for the purposes of a toast.

 
Oh, what a good idea.

 
I'm not the most eloquent guy
in the world...

 
...but I would like to say that this
has been a most lovely occasion.

 
And I couldn't agree more.

 
And on Sunday, there's gonna be another
occasion, even more lovely, more sacred.

 
And all I really wanna say is that...

 
...l'm just honored...

 
...and moved to be part of
the Kornpett family.

 
And I hope we'll be together
in the good times to share them with joy.

 
And if there are bad times, God forbid,
we'll work that out too...

 
...but together.

 
- That was really lovely, Mr. Ricardo.
- And I feel the same way, Dad.

 
I'd like to say that...

 
...as difficult as it is for me
to give my little girl away...

 
...l'm very happy that it's to
someone as wonderful as Tommy.

 
My hope is that the Kornpetts and Ricardos
share many happy and peaceful occasions...

 
...through many happy and peaceful years.
- Hear, hear!

 
Dad, that was sweet.

 
- Excuse me, where is the phone?
- Phone?

 
- There's one in the kitchen.
- Where is the furthest one?

 
I have to make a long-distance call...

 
...and sometimes with these overseas
connections I have to scream like a banshee.

 
There's one in the basement,
but it's a mess.

 
That's okay.

 
- Through there?
- I'll show you.

 
Please, don't bother.
I'll find it.

 
- Dad and his mysterious phone calls.
- What did you say?

 
I just said, "Dad
and his mysterious phone calls."

 
- What the hell do you mean by that?
- Nothing.

 
Really!

 
You're always making weird calls
in backrooms and pay booths.

 
You little snot-nose!
Those phone calls put you through college!

 
- I'm sure Tommy didn't mean to...
- I worked myself up to a position...

 
...where I can make these kind of
top-level phone calls to top businessmen.

 
- And my own son derogates.
- Dad, I wasn't derogating.

 
Well, maybe you weren't.

 
I'm terribly sorry,
it's been a long day.

 
Listen...

 
- Through there?
- First door to the left.

 
- Pull the string for the light.
- Thanks a million.

 
He's been working very hard lately.

 
- Listen...
- Normally he's...

 
Usually he's so affectionate
and physical with Tommy.

 
I can understand
a certain amount of resentment.

 
He's had to work really hard
in his life and I really haven't.

 
It's Ricardo.

 
Yes, very smoothly.
But listen.

 
That kind of money by tomorrow,
that's impossible.

 
No, Ralph, you don't understand.

 
This is a major international deal. It's not
like we're fencing some shit in the street.

 
No, they're not all in there.

 
I kept one in case you pulled
something like this.

 
What's the point in threatening me?
You can't...

 
Hello?

 
Oh, Christ.

 
Dad, what are you talking about?

 
The man is crazy!
That's what I'm talking about.

 
He's crazy? Look at yourself.
You're foaming at the mouth.

 
Sweetheart... It's toothpaste.

 
I love you very much.
But I know about these things.

 
He's crazy. I will not have you
marrying into that family.

 
You're being absolutely Sicilian about this.
I'm marrying Tommy, not Vince.

 
Tommy is the acorn.

 
- What acorn?
- The acorn, sweetheart, from the tree.

 
- It's a saying.
- Oh.

 
It's a great saying.
Really captures a whole lot.

 
I don't need the sarcasm. It's off!

 
It is not off!

 
I'm calling the caterers.
I'm calling the guests.

 
It may be a bit humiliating,
and a bit expensive...

 
...but you are not marrying
into that family!

 
Damn it, we are not calling it off.

 
Tommy and I are gonna go to Vegas.
I don't care.

 
But we are getting married!

 
- God, Mom, will you please tell him?
- I think you're being irrational.

 
I'm being irrational?

 
I sit there listening to stories
about the Guacamole Act of     ...

 
...and tsetse flies carrying off
children, and I'm being irrational?

 
So he embellishes a bit.

 
First he's laughing, then he's crying, then
he practically belts Tommy in the mouth.

 
- He didn't practically belt him in the mouth.
- He almost belted Tommy in the mouth.

 
Then he's gotta go down in the basement
to make phone calls. What is that?

 
- And what else?
- I don't like...

 
I don't like his whole manner!

 
And for that you wanna
call off the wedding?

 
Shelley.

 
- You're just projecting like crazy.
- Psychology on parade.

 
Quit, Shelley, let her talk!

 
It isn't easy for fathers
to give away daughters.

 
It's a complicated relationship.

 
- There's sexual stuff going on.
- Hey! Hey!

 
I'm not talking about incest.

 
But there is a certain sexual component
to father-daughter relationships.

 
So the closer the wedding gets,
the more edgy you're gonna be...

 
...and the more you're gonna fix on things
like Mr. Ricardo being a little flaky...

 
...which I'm not denying...

 
...as a reason to reject
the whole idea of marriage.

 
I think she's right.

 
Six thousand dollars a year tuition
to listen to this.

 
- It doesn't make sense?
- No, it makes sense. It makes sense.

 
- I'm sorry.
- There's no reason to be sorry.

 
All I want you to do is be more open to
Tommy's father. Don't just reject him.

 
All right. I'll try to be more open.

 
Shelley, think how nervous
he was to meet you.

 
Tommy's told him so much about you.

 
- Well, he must have been nervous.
- Sure he was nervous.

 
Okay. Finished. I'll do my best.

 
I'll just be incredibly receptive.

 
It's the building in the next block,
just past the Stetson hat sign.

 
-    o.
- Right.

 
Christ. Keep going.

 
- It's    o, man.
- I said keep going!

 
Stupid bastards.

 
Any particular place you want me to go?

 
    Fifth Avenue. Pronto.

 
Pronto it will be.

 
This is gonna set fast, Mrs. Adelman,
so just don't fight me. Good.

 
No. It's looking good.

 
No, no. Two more visits
ought to do it fine.

 
Don't push out
with your tongue now.

 
All right. Let that stay in there.
Now you can relax your mouth.

 
But don't clench.

 
- I'm watching a master at work.
- What are you doing?

 
- Did I startle you?
- It's all right.

 
You're gonna have to leave.
I'm sorry...

 
I'm delighted to meet you.

 
I'm Vince Ricardo. Dr. Kornpett's
wonderful daughter is marrying my son.

 
- My in-law.
- Hello, dear.

 
This is some great dentist you have here.
You're a very lucky lady.

 
- Yeah, I know.
- No kidding?

 
I didn't expect to see you.

 
I was just in the neighborhood and
I thought I'd stop up and say howdy-do.

 
- Is there anything I can do for you?
- No, just wanted to say hello.

 
- Come on back in my office.
- I don't wanna intrude.

 
No intrusion. Mrs. Adelman, sit tight.
Don't clench.

 
- Do what the doc says.
- Vince!

 
- You're very sweet.
- Vince!

 
That's a wonderful patient
you got there. Very fine lady.

 
You know her?

 
No, but I could tell
she's a woman of real quality.

 
- The inner sanctum, huh?
- Yeah.

 
Remember that show on the radio,
The Inner Sanctum?

 
Boy, I never missed it.

 
- Do you understand Latin, Sheldon?
- Yeah, a little.

 
You know what all this means?

 
Yeah, it means...

 
...I won't get arrested
for impersonating a dentist.

 
That's very funny.
"lmpersonating a dentist."

 
That's very cute.

 
Oh, dear.

 
Well, I'm really glad
you stopped by, Vince.

 
I feel we're practically family now.
I'd like to feel close.

 
Anytime you're in the neighborhood.

 
That's very kind of you, Shel.

 
- Don't think I'm gonna abuse the privilege.
- No, no, no.

 
I'm not one of those guys who...

 
...you give them an inch...
- No, no, anytime.

 
Oh, wonderful.
Gee, but I can see how busy you are.

 
- Gosh, the waiting room is filled.
- I have a good practice.

 
Looks like an absolute gold mine.

 
- You keep hopping, huh?
- Yeah. Yeah.

 
If I were to ask you to leave the office
for a couple minutes...

 
...that wouldn't be possible,
would it?

 
Well, it would depend.

 
What about right now?

 
What about right now, what?

 
Could I borrow you for a couple of minutes?

 
- Right now?
- Would it be terribly inconvenient?

 
Please say so if it is.

 
I thought,
because it was around lunch...

 
- Vince, it's  :oo in the morning.
- You never take an early lunch?

 
I have a lot of patients out there.
Could you tell me what you want?

 
Such a minor thing, gosh,
I'm so embarrassed.

 
I hate to ask, it's just that...

 
...I need a hand for maybe five minutes.
- Five minutes?

 
I got a cab waiting downstairs.
Five minutes, tops.

 
I'd really like to help you out...

 
...but I have two impacted molars
and a gold crown. I'm all backed up.

 
Well, listen, what the hell,
I can do it myself. You're so busy.

 
Can't this wait till this afternoon?
I'll be off around  .

 
No, no. I can manage. I don't wanna
make a federal case out of this.

 
This is really important to you?

 
It would be so helpful, you can't imagine.
Like I say, it's no big deal.

 
What the hell,
I never get out of here anyway.

 
What's five minutes
for a member of the family?

 
Shel, this is just stupendous of you.
And you might even enjoy it.

 
- Where we going?
- Over to my office.

 
I want you to break into my safe.

 
The Eagle has landed. What now?

 
Just put your flashers on and stay put.

 
Are we still moving?

 
No, the cab's stopped.
We're on West    st Street.

 
Did we hit the little boy
on Sixth Avenue?

 
No, we missed him
by a good foot and a half.

 
Okay, now, this is the combination
to the safe. And the key to the office.

 
And the safe is behind
the picture of President Kennedy?

 
So I open the safe, take out a black bag
and I come back here to the cab?

 
- With the bag.
- With the bag.

 
And there might be two guys outside
the front who should not see the bag?

 
It's a possibility.

 
Who are these guys?
What, are they after you or what?

 
You got a terrific imagination, Shel.

 
No, these are like competitors.

 
And if they see me with this black bag,
then I lose my competitive edge.

 
- That's all.
- Macy's and Gimbel's.

 
That's a terrific example, Shel.
Really.

 
All right. Let's get this over with.

 
- Shelley?
- What?

 
- I'll never forget this.
- Good.

 
- I'll stand still.
- Excuse me very much.

 
- Doc, making a house call?
- Yes. One of those emergencies.

 
That door never opens. Use this one.

 
Awfully nervous, isn't he?
Keeps dropping things.

 
- You think that...?
- Maybe. Come on.

 
That's it.

 
Pretty cute, using a doc.

 
Very nice. Very nice.

 
Four years at Mount Holyoke
so she can marry into this.

 
"To Vince.
Well, at least we tried.

 
Thanks for everything.
Yours, John F. Kennedy."

 
Is that Vince?

 
- Nothing personal. Strictly business.
- No, I'm not him.

 
He's my in-law. Look, here's my card.

 
Goddamn. You take the fire escape,
I'll take the stairs. Go!

 
Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God!

 
There's no reason to shoot at me!
I'm a dentist!

 
What is this show?

 
Are you kidding, man?
The Price is Right.

 
This is the all-American
game show.

 
They're supposed to guess
what all that crap is worth?

 
Yeah. Right.

 
May I have some milk, please?

 
- Is this coffee freeze-dried?
- Yes, it is.

 
It's very good.

 
- How long's this show been on the air?
- Since about     .

 
Hey, I can't believe you never heard
of The Price is Right.

 
I don't see much TV.
I'm out of the country a lot.

 
- Really? What do you do?
- I work for the CIA.

 
Hey! Emergency! Open the door!

 
This is an emergency.

 
- I can't believe you work for the CIA.
- Why not?

 
I don't know. I mean, you know,
I thought, like, James Bond.

 
No. They all look like me.
I'm the classic agency type.

 
Muscular, low to the ground,
compact.

 
Are you interested in joining?
The benefits are fantastic.

 
The trick is not to get killed.
That's the key to the benefit program.

 
God, don't let me die
on West    st Street.

 
Vince!

 
Hey, your friend is back.

 
Help!

 
We square with you?

 
Give me the bag.

 
Don't shoot.

 
Give me that bag!

 
Sheldon?

 
Shelley?

 
Shel, you all right?

 
Hey, watch out!

 
We gotta get out of here.
Shel, give me your hand.

 
Cabby, we're going on.

 
I'm sorry it turned out this way.
I had no idea...

 
- How could you? I almost got killed!
- I know.

 
You have dinner at my house,
drag me out of my office...

 
...then set me up to get killed!
- I'd like to explain.

 
No explaining!
Just get out of my life!

 
- I understand.
- You don't understand anything!

 
I understand that you are a raving lunatic,
and I want you out of my life!

 
- I sympathize with...
- I want you out of my life!

 
I'd like to oblige,
but I have a conscience.

 
- Go away!
- I can't...

 
- Don't talk to me.
- I feel terrible.

 
- Go away!
- His wonderful daughter...

 
...is marrying my son
the day after tomorrow.

 
- I want to congratulate you.
- Thank you.

 
Thank you.

 
I'm very sorry for being late, Mrs. Raymond.
I'll get to you as soon as I can.

 
Mrs. Adelman,
you've been still the entire time.

 
Can you close your mouth?
Can you bite down?

 
Mrs. Adelman cannot close her mouth!
She cannot bite down!

 
This is why we have to talk.

 
- What is that?
- To be perfectly candid, Shel...

 
...these are engravings for U.S. currency
stolen yesterday from the U.S. Mint.

 
Now, the thing we have
to talk about...

 
...is your unwitting participation
in this serious federal crime.

 
A crime punishable by a maximum sentence
of  o years in a federal penitentiary.

 
You can rinse now, dear!

 
Stack it up, on this side of the furnace.
That way, it'll be easy to get at.

 
- Day after tomorrow, huh?
- Don't mention it. There's so much to do.

 
Anything we can do to help,
feel free to call us.

 
You're very sweet.
I'm getting nervous...

 
- Be careful.
- What are you doing?

 
- Are you okay?
- Yes.

 
That blasted thing
falls apart all the time.

 
We'll have to get around
to getting it fixed.

 
- Hey, look at this.
- What?

 
It's  oo.

 
What?

 
What'd you say this is?

 
It's an engraving for a bill.
Here, look.

 
"The United States of America."

 
Maybe it's from the
previous owners or something.

 
I doubt it.
We've lived here for    years.

 
That's brand-new.

 
Isn't that the damnedest thing?
Here in this cellar.

 
People find all kinds
of things in the cellar.

 
I just can't imagine.

 
What do you think
I should do with it?

 
I never even seen one.

 
- Take it to the bank, they'll know.
- You think so?

 
Yeah, you're probably right.

 
Hello, Mrs. Kornpett.
All set for the wedding?

 
- We're getting there.
- How's Barbara? She nervous?

 
She doesn't show it,
but I'm sure she is.

 
My husband's
the jumpiest one of all.

 
Isn't that always the case?

 
There's just some things that men
don't handle as well as we do.

 
I suppose so.

 
What can we do for you today?
Cash a check, I'll bet.

 
No, not really.
I've found something.

 
I found this in my cellar
this morning...

 
...and I don't know what to make of it,
or what I should do with it.

 
It's heavy, isn't it.

 
My goodness,
this is some kind of engraving...

 
For  oo.

 
Honey, you're right.

 
You found this in your cellar,
Mrs. Kornpett?

 
- This morning.
- I never have that kind of luck.

 
Do you have any idea what
I should do with it, or what it's worth?

 
I really don't know.
I've never even seen one of these.

 
I could ask our branch manager.
Do you mind waiting?

 
Not really.
I'd like to resolve this somehow.

 
Sure. I don't blame you.
Let me ask him.

 
- Ready?
- In a second.

 
- Did you get your shoes?
- They were all awful.

 
I got some sneakers
so it wouldn't be a total loss.

 
- You've gotta get some shoes.
- I know.

 
Tomorrow, we'll go into the city. I'll try
Bloomingdale's, I. Miller, and Bendel's.

 
Worse comes to worst,
I'll wear my clogs.

 
You're not going to wear clogs
at your wedding.

 
Nobody will see them.

 
- My God.
- What?

 
Look at this.

 
Let's not fight.
I'll go into the city.

 
I'll probably find
an acceptable pair of shoes.

 
- Clogs are out of the question.
- Stop!

 
- Mrs. Kornpett?
- Yes?

 
Would you mind stepping
over to my office for a moment?

 
You feeling a little better?

 
You were smart to order that split pea
soup. That looks delicious. May I?

 
It's very nice. It's a little
greasy, but it's very nice.

 
Crumble up some Saltines into it, Shel,
that will absorb the grease.

 
Shel, when I speak, do you hear me?
Do you understand the words?

 
That's good.
I was beginning to get worried.

 
I thought all this excitement
got to you.

 
Let me see if I got this straight.
You work for the CIA.

 
- That's right.
- Been with them  o years?

 
Since Eisenhower.

 
You robbed the United States Mint
for the CIA. Is that correct?

 
- Completely.
- Okay. Let me ask you a question.

 
Since when is it the policy of the CIA
to impress private citizens...

 
...into this service without
saying what it's about?

 
So individuals of high standing
in the community...

 
...end up running down streets
with bullets flying past their heads!

 
- That was a mistake.
- Some mistake!

 
- Thank God nobody was hurt.
- How do you justify such behavior?

 
I didn't do it lightly. It was done
in the name of something important...

 
...which you couldn't understand.
- I couldn't understand?

 
- No, it is too complicated.
- I read the newspapers!

 
I graduated second in my class. Don't
underestimate the man in the street!

 
All right. You got a point.
You're right.

 
When you're right, you're right.

 
Okay. Try and follow me, Shel.

 
This thing has to do with a conspiracy
that originated in Central America...

 
...against the economy
of the United States.

 
We got wind of it nine months ago,
when they robbed the German Mint.

 
Well, actually, they robbed the
English Mint, then the German Mint.

 
And then the Swiss Mint.
And they never took any money.

 
- Well, who did this?
- It's a Latin American syndicate.

 
They only took the plates.

 
What you have to understand
is that we have information.

 
- The agency has sources...
- CIA?

 
You're goddamn right, buddy,
the CIA.

 
We know that these plates
are going down to Central America...

 
...and these people intend to run off
billions of dollars of this currency.

 
- They wanna obliterate their debts.
- What debts?

 
Well, all these countries, Shel, they
all owe billions of dollars to the West.

 
They can never pay it back.
They're too poor. You know that.

 
Their only hope is worldwide inflation,
but it has to be a huge one.

 
I mean, so big that paper money's not
worth anything. You use it for wallpaper.

 
Now, once they get these plates,
the ones that I robbed yesterday...

 
...which is American dollars,
now they're all set.

 
Set for what?

 
What do you think will happen
when they run off this dough...

 
...and there's trillions of extra dollars,
francs and marks floating around?

 
You've got a collapse of confidence
in the currency.

 
People are gonna panic. There's
gonna be gold riots, atonal music...

 
...political chaos, mass suicide.

 
Right? It's Germany before Hitler.
You can see that.

 
Jesus, I don't know
what people are gonna do...

 
...when a six pack of Budweiser
cost $   oo.

 
That'll be awful.

 
- You think I'm bullshitting?
- No, I don't.

 
- They thought I was bullshitting!
- Who thought that?

 
The CIA.

 
I told them. I said, "Fellas, the thing
to do is to rob the U.S. Mint.

 
Really rob. Professional,
with real gangsters and real guns.

 
Get the engraving,
go to Central America...

 
...smoke out the action,
and nail those bastards."

 
They thought it was too risky.
Turned it down.

 
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
The CIA turned us down?

 
- I thought you were doing it for them?
- I am.

 
- Well, then they're behind you?
- No. This I did on my own.

 
You robbed the U.S. Mint on your own?
The CIA thought it was too crazy?

 
Too risky.

 
You robbed it on your own with gangsters?
You committed a federal crime!

 
Of course it's federal.
Treasury Department's on the case.

 
- What happens if you get caught?
- We won't. Not if we...

 
Stop the we! If you get caught, is the
agency gonna come forward and say:

 
- "It's okay, he works for us"?
- No.

 
- No?
- No. I'm out in the cold on this one.

 
If I get caught, they shred my records,
say they never heard of me...

 
...it's  o years in the slammer.
- And me?

 
I was running through the streets
with it. I was the one in the gutter!

 
And you were tremendous, Shel.
The way you handled yourself.

 
I can't tell you how impressed I was.
No, I mean this.

 
It's something I've been wanting to say.
You were sensational, Shel.

 
And it's an act of friendship
that I will remember for as long as I live.

 
- Which could be about an hour.
- What do I got, an hour and a half?

 
You have nothing to worry about.
You're an innocent victim.

 
How so?

 
I know it and the cab driver knows it.
We both say it.

 
What happens to you?

 
I'll manage.
I've been in tougher jams before.

 
Back when Kennedy was president,
you saw the picture in the office?

 
- Yes, I did.
- He was crazy about me.

 
- I was very impressed.
- Honey, do you have the check?

 
Let me ask you about that.

 
What did that inscription mean,
"At least we tried"?

 
Bay of Pigs.
That referred to the Bay of Pigs.

 
You were involved
with the Bay of Pigs?

 
Involved? That was my idea.

 
I'll get this, Shel.

 
The Bay of Pigs.

 
You win some, you lose some.

 
- You gonna be home in about an hour?
- Why?

 
I wanna get that engraving
out of your house.

 
What engraving?

 
Last night, I left one
in your basement.

 
- An engraving from the bag?
- In my haste.

 
- In my basement?
- Why are you getting so excited?

 
Why am I getting so excited?

 
The central piece of evidence
in the biggest federal crime...

 
...since the atomic spy case
sits in my basement.

 
You wanna know
why I'm getting excited!

 
Go back to your lunches!
Do I meddle in your business?

 
I want that thing
out of my house!

 
I'm getting to that.
Sit down. Finish your soup.

 
I don't wanna sit down!
I don't want my soup!

 
- You hardly touched it.
- Stop with the soup!

 
Relax.

 
Now, the thing...
We'll call it the thing, okay, Shel?

 
I mean the engraving. The thing'll
be out of your house in two hours.

 
A man calling himself D. Tracy will
come to your house wearing galoshes.

 
- Give him the thing.
- Let me explain something.

 
If that thing isn't out of my house
in two hours, so help me God...

 
I understand your feelings, believe me.
But it's gonna be gone by  :oo.

 
Years from now,
we'll look back on this thing...

 
...sitting around a Christmas tree,
and have a big laugh.

 
I gotta run, Sheldon.
Remember, D. Tracy, galoshes.

 
Complete stranger.
He sat down here next to me.

 
Never saw him before in my life.

 
I wish it was absurd,
but it's a very serious matter.

 
This is ridiculous.
I feel like Bonnie and Clyde.

 
Nothing else in the basement.

 
How long has your husband
practiced dentistry?

 
- He's had his own practice since    o.
- Always in New York?

 
That's right. He shared a practice with
Dr. Weingart for two years in Brooklyn...

 
...then opened his own practice
in Manhattan.

 
He was sergeant-at-arms
at the Long Island Dentist Guild.

 
Always kept regular hours?

 
He comes through that door
at  :oo every single evening.

 
Any tax trouble?

 
None. He overpays.

 
His accountant tells him to take
all these deductions, but he never does.

 
Could you tell me what this is all about?
What's with the engraving?

 
That's what we'd like to know.

 
If everything you've told us is accurate,
there's a very simple explanation.

 
This is so insane.
When you meet my father...

 
He's the least likely person
to be mixed up in anything.

 
BMW pulling in.

 
That's my husband.
Talk to him yourself.

 
Holy shit!

 
- BMW pulling out!
- Let's go!

 
What's going on here?

 
I'm gonna tear
his goddamn heart out!

 
Come on. Let's go.

 
God, Mom, what is this?

 
- Of course.
- What?

 
- Who was in the basement last night?
- Who?

 
Jesus, Mr. Ricardo.

 
That crazy bastard! He's involved
your poor father in something.

 
I'll kill him!
I swear to God, I'll kill him!

 
Oh, my God!

 
Watch out. Come on!

 
Look out!

 
Well, where the hell is he?

 
Check the corner!

 
Beautiful job, isn't it?

 
That'll be  o bucks.

 
You can pay me,
my dad's having supper.

 
It's worth it. Man, believe me,
that's a quality paint job.

 
And it never wears out,
and you can't paint over it.

 
Do you have a phone?

 
- What?
- Phone! Phone!

 
Over there.

 
- Medium-rare all right for everybody?
- Well for me.

 
You asked for it, you got it.

 
- It's nice having Vince around.
- It took a wedding to do it.

 
Well worth it.
I'm having a wonderful time.

 
What do you think
of Tommy's in-laws?

 
Delightful, wonderful,
wonderful people.

 
I had this instant chemical reaction
that these were really special people.

 
I'll get it.

 
No, I'm expecting a call from Zurich.
You watch the chow.

 
Give my regards to the Swiss.

 
I have flames on my car.
I have flames on my car!

 
Shel, you're very excited.
I don't know what you're saying.

 
Who?

 
Holy Christ.

 
They chased you?

 
Shel, I don't understand what
you're saying about these flames.

 
No! No, don't go home
under any circumstances.

 
If it's really the Treasury,
you'll get arrested.

 
Well, what do I do, Vince? I tell you
sincerely, I do not wanna go to jail.

 
I don't wanna get arrested.

 
Shel, what I would very much like
for you to do, the minute you hang up...

 
...is drive like a bat out of hell
down to McGraw Airfield in New Jersey.

 
It's near Lodi, off Route   .
I'll be waiting.

 
Airfield? You're going where?
Scranton, Pennsylvania? What for?

 
I'll be gone a couple of hours,
if you wanna join me.

 
Yeah, but what about
the Treasury Department?

 
Don't tell me not to get excited!
They're chasing me all over New Jersey!

 
Come with me to Scranton. By the time
you get back, this thing will be resolved.

 
The hamburgers are getting cold.

 
Shel, the end is in sight.
I assure you.

 
Now, take off.
McGraw Airfield. Route   .

 
There are signs,
just follow them.

 
Right. Now, come on, let's get going.

 
That's wrong.

 
I got it now. Okay.

 
Here we go.

 
The ocean. It's over the ocean
to Scranton, Pennsylvania?

 
- Why are we flying over the ocean?
- Shel...

 
...that's what I wanted
to talk to you about.

 
There's been a slight change
in our flight plan.

 
We're not going to Scranton?

 
We're going to Scranton, but we wanna
make a quick stop somewhere else first.

 
- Where? Where do we have to stop?
- Tijada.

 
- What's Tijada?
- It's a tiny island, south of Honduras.

 
- Honduras?
- Right. I think you'll find it fascinating.

 
Very lovely.

 
Isn't he a sweetheart?

 
If Chiang Kai-shek
ever made it to the mainland...

 
...Billy and Bing would have been
co-anchormen on the news in China.

 
That's how beloved they were.

 
You're furious at me, right?

 
The amazing thing is how grateful you're
gonna be to me when this is all over.

 
I'm serious. From here on in,
it's strictly routine.

 
We're out of the country.
We're home free.

 
From here on in, all that happens...
You interested in this?

 
All that happens is that we're met at
the airport by Sen. Jesus Braunschweiger.

 
He's a corrupt member
of the Tijadan Legislature.

 
He checks out the engraving.

 
We go to the hotel, we wash up,
we have a couple of beers.

 
Late in the afternoon, we see Gen. Garcia,
the head of the Latin American syndicate.

 
We hand him the engravings,
he hands us  o million bucks.

 
Bingo, we got him red-handed.

 
Then what happens,
another little shootout?

 
Shootout? No.

 
You've seen too many movies, Shel.

 
What he said.

 
Jesus.

 
Vince.

 
- He's a crook?
- They're all crooks down here.

 
This one don't make
any bones about it.

 
Welcome to Tijada.

 
Hit the dirt!

 
Is he dead?

 
If he's alive, he's putting on
a hell of an act.

 
Roll over!

 
They're taking off without us!

 
- That's standard procedure.
- What?

 
- Gotta make a run for his car!
- We'll never make it!

 
We'll never make it lying here,
that's for sure!

 
- Are you ready?
- No.

 
Now I'm ready.

 
Serpentine!

 
- What?
- Serpentine!

 
Serpentine!

 
Shel!

 
- Where the hell are the keys?
- Are you kidding me?

 
Out of the car!

 
- They must be in his pocket.
- I'll get them.

 
I'll get them. I'd rather die running
than be left here alone.

 
- You don't know what you're saying.
- I can't take it.

 
The idea of you out there dead.
And me alone here with the bullets.

 
- I can't take it.
- Are you serious?

 
I can't stay here.

 
- Okay! But remember, serpentine!
- Absolutely!

 
What a guy.

 
You're dead, right?

 
Good.

 
Serpentine, Shel! Serpentine!

 
Got a little time now, Shel.

 
Why don't you lie down,
grab yourself a nap?

 
Well, you can imagine how I felt, general,
seeing him dead on the runway like that.

 
No, I said, "Hello, Jesus,"
and he said, "Hello, Vince."

 
It came as a complete surprise.

 
I agree, it must have been anarchists.

 
Hookers?

 
That's very kind of you, but we're anxious
to wrap this up and get home.

 
Out, out! Get out! Out!

 
As quickly as possible, general.

 
No, we'll take a cab.
We had a little trouble with the car.

 
The windows weren't functioning properly.
Isn't that always the case? Right.

 
- Where you going, Shel?
- Lobby. To look at a magazine.

 
- All right. Stay close. We'll be leaving soon.
- Oh, good.

 
Now, exactly where are you located,
general?

 
 o  United Fruit Boulevard...

 
...via the General Garcia Toll Bridge.
Fine.

 
It's a very fitting monument to you, sir.

 
Yes, better than a statue.

 
Now, do you have the money?

 
Right.

 
No, general, it's...

 
It's   o million in an attaché case.

 
Attaché.

 
And   o million wrapped in two
small packages of   million each.

 
Perfect. No, the Treasury Department
never knew what hit them.

 
Operator, hab/a usted ing/és?

 
Good. I need the American Embassy, please.
It's urgent. I'm in great danger.

 
Barry Lutz, Intelligence.

 
Mr. Lutz, I may sound a little incoherent,
but when you hear my situation...

 
...you'll understand why.

 
My name is Kornpett. I'm a D.D.S.
in the greater New York area.

 
I reside in New Jersey. And I'm a normal
and patriotic American citizen.

 
Now, I'm in Tijada right now.
I'm in Tijada, yes.

 
I'm here with a man who works
for the CIA.

 
And he's got me involved in some scheme
concerning a general down here.

 
Well, my life has been in almost
constant jeopardy for    hours now.

 
I keep getting shot at,
and I can't handle it anymore.

 
His name is Vince Ricardo.

 
Why are you laughing?

 
You're with Vince Ricardo?
How much insurance do you carry?

 
Christ. No. No, not anymore.

 
He was thrown out of the agency
late last year on a mental...

 
A mental, you heard me right.

 
He's a wild man, that's why.

 
He'd go into dangerous situations without
any rhyme or reason and just improvise.

 
Totally ass-backwards.

 
The worst thing was that we lost
six men teamed with him.

 
Horrible, gruesome deaths too.

 
Yeah, a real nightmare.

 
- You're with him now?
- Yeah, he's got these engravings.

 
He's trying to crack
this international currency thing.

 
I don't know, it's not my kind of...

 
No, we're just related
by a pending marriage.

 
His son is marrying my daughter.

 
Sunday.
Thank you.

 
He's a little strange, but there's also
something lovable about the guy.

 
Sure, he's lovable,
but he's completely out of his mind.

 
I could tell you stories...

 
Listen, listen.

 
Do yourself, do your family,
do me a favor:

 
Just stay the hell away from him.

 
Yeah. Sure. Glad to be of service.

 
- I thought you were getting a magazine.
- Well, all they had was Hust/er in Spanish.

 
E/ Hust/ero.

 
- You made a call.
- Yes, I did.

 
- You called the agency?
- Yes, I did.

 
What did they say?

 
They said you were kicked out because
you were A: dangerous and B: crazy.

 
- They really said that?
- Oh, yes.

 
You don't have a heart condition
or anything, do you, Shel?

 
- Get off of me.
- Listen to me.

 
You're a stranger, you call the agency,
what do you think they'd say?

 
I don't know and I don't care.

 
You could be a foreign agent, so they say
I'm washed up, out of the business, nuts.

 
- Are you gonna get off me?
- Not yet.

 
They did the correct thing
telling you that I was nuts.

 
Do you understand that?
It was simply a fabrication?

 
- Lf I say yes, will you get off me?
- Lf it's a sincere yes.

 
Then the answer is yes. I believe it was
simply a fabrication to get me off the trail.

 
I knew you'd understand.

 
- Let's go.
- No way.

 
What's this "no way"?

 
No way is no way. I'm off the case here,
I'm done with this nonsense.

 
I just explained it was a fabrication...

 
It makes no difference if you're sane
or crazy, if you're with the agency or not.

 
- I hate all of this.
- From here on in, it's cut and dried.

 
- It's not cut and it's not dried.
- It is.

 
We go to the general,
drop off the engravings.

 
If it's so cut and dried,
you don't need me, right? Go in peace.

 
I'll fly home.
If the Treasury Department is waiting...

 
...l'll tell them what little I know.
They'll probably feel sorry for me.

 
But I will not be shot at any longer.
Is that clear?

 
Okay. Really.

 
I can understand, a person
with your background, it's difficult.

 
If you like, I'll wait here at the hotel.
But no more running.

 
No more shooting.
From here on in, I'm a bystander.

 
Okay.

 
When you're right, you're right.

 
Just don't go home without me,
huh, Shel?

 
Jesus, I couldn't take
that kind of rejection.

 
We'll go home with Billy and Bing,
have a few laughs. Okay?

 
- You gonna be long?
- I'll be back within an hour.

 
Okay.

 
That's kind of you, Shel.
I really appreciate that.

 
Taxi, señor?

 
 o  United Fruit Boulevard.
Pronto.

 
Oh, God.

 
I can't...

 
Wait!

 
Vince!

 
Jesus Christ, what the hell was that?

 
Vince!

 
- Shelley?
- Stop the car!

 
It's Sheldon. It's me up here, Vince.

 
- Can you stop the car?
- Maybe you're right, Shel.

 
Maybe you're right.

 
Oh, dear.

 
It's a piece of cake.

 
Piece of cake, Shel.

 
Vince, stop the car!

 
- You okay?
- Yeah, I think so.

 
You can't blame me for this.
You volunteered.

 
And a wonderful gesture it was.

 
Let's go.

 
Stay low, Sheldon.

 
Stay low.

 
Sheldon, come here.
Come here, Sheldon. Come on!

 
- Grab him by his shoulder and pull.
- All right.

 
Stay down, Shel. Stay down.

 
Stay low, Sheldon.

 
What a guy.

 
Get in the cab, Shel.

 
In the cab, Shel.

 
- That was a magnificent thing you did.
- It was instinct. I went crazy.

 
It was pure heroism.

 
Don't think I don't know
how deeply you feel about me.

 
It gives me a warm feeling.

 
Okay, hang on, this is gonna be
a little rough.

 
Next time we're in Tijada, don't let me
forget, they make a chicken sandwich here.

 
They serve it on a hard roll, they heat it up.
With orange juice, you know.

 
Grande, a big one. Or pineapple juice.
And coffee. Do you take coffee, Shel?

 
Espresso, with that beautiful foam.

 
Oh, Jesus, pigs.

 
Don't they squeal when they die?

 
No. The pig is alive, Shel.

 
I'm such a great driver, it's incomprehensible
they took my license away.

 
Okay.

 
What are you doing?

 
Again?

 
Okay.

 
Holy shit!

 
Now that was a little close.
I admit it. I cut it a little fine.

 
Coming through! Emergency!

 
- Out of the way, please, emergency!
- Jesus Christ!

 
Out of the way, please!
It's an emergency!

 
Coming through!

 
Okay, sometimes I'm so smart
I scare myself.

 
I gotta give you credit, Vince,
you son of a gun, you!

 
What's the story on this guy?

 
The general?

 
A very interesting gentleman.

 
Two things, Shel:

 
- Don't say anything about his scar.
- What scar?

 
You'll see it, but don't see it.
You follow my drift?

 
The other thing, be sure to compliment
his art collection.

 
- Vince, my good friend.
- Mein Genera/.

 
- A "Z"?
- What?

 
A "Z"?

 
General, I'd like you to meet
Dr. Sheldon Kornpett.

 
Sheldon has provided invaluable assistance
to the success of this mission.

 
He did? Dr. Kornpett.

 
Please, gentlemen, enter.

 
You notice my friend?
This is Señor Pepe.

 
"Hello."
Señor Pepe, do you like these men?

 
"Very much."

 
Shall we invite these men to sit down?

 
Señor Pepe, would you like
to give these men a kiss?

 
He's nice?
"Very nice."

 
He's nice?
"He's nice.

 
He is very handsome!"

 
- All right, that's enough.
- General, that's a hell of an act.

 
You're a very gifted man.

 
We go in.

 
- He's a raving fruitcake.
- Don't underestimate him.

 
- The art.
- The art.

 
General, your art collection
never fails to take my breath away.

 
The toreador's wonderful.

 
- I paid $ o, ooo for this.
- Jesus, what a schmuck.

 
Shut up.

 
This tiger I recently purchased
for only $  ooo.

 
I believe it is one of his best.
Note the plasticity...

 
...the Renaissance use of perspective.

 
- He got the stripes perfectly.
- That's right. Notice the whiskers.

 
My God, you could almost touch them.

 
That's the tip-off to a great work of art.

 
- Not everybody appreciates genius.
- There are a lot of boors in the world.

 
You can say that twice. I commission
this great man to do a new flag...

 
...and there is such screaming...

 
I show you.

 
Now, this is a flag.

 
Take your breath away.
Can you believe that?

 
General, it's magnífico.

 
And is that Mrs. General there?

 
This is a girl from the village.
This is a prostitute.

 
If it was not for the church,
this flag would today be flying at the U.N.

 
But no, they stand in the way!
They stand in the way!

 
General, the world is full
of reactionaries...

 
...people with small minds...
- What? You are thirsty?

 
He wants cold water, Shel.
That's what that means.

 
All right?

 
General...

 
- Down to business.
- That's right, sir.

 
Do you have the money?

 
These are the best security men in the world.
They used to work for J.C. Penney in Detroit.

 
If I'm not mistaken,
I once bought a comb there.

 
As a matter of fact, I did, Shel,
a little pocket comb.

 
Ten million exactamente.

 
And the other   o?

 
- These are small enough?
- They're fine. Perfect.

 
- Sheldon.
- What's that?

 
Five million bucks. Hang on to it.

 
Five million dollars?

 
General, it gives me
great pleasure to present...

 
Beautiful.

 
Made by Uncle Sam with his own
greedy little fingers.

 
- Would you like to see?
- Love to, general. Shel, you too.

 
This is extremely educational.

 
- When are you gonna arrest him?
- Nobody is arresting nobody.

 
- Why not?
- Just go with the flow, Shel.

 
What flow? There isn't any flow.

 
These are engravings
from all over the world.

 
This is unbelievable, general.
I'm very impressed.

 
We are ready.

 
- How much you gonna run off?
-  oo billion.

 
- That'll do it.
- Sounds like plenty.

 
Is a lot, huh? We will bring
the Western banks to their knees.

 
- Me, and my good American friends.
- It's a wonderful thing.

 
- I don't know when I've felt so proud.
- In    hours, the world's monetary system...

 
...will collapse like a wet taco!
- A very fine analogy.

 
Blood will run in the streets of Zurich.

 
German bankers will throw themselves
under the trolley.

 
- Widows and orphans will be left penniless.
- Sounds good.

 
There will be panic, looting,
rioting in the streets, and suicides!

 
Fabulous.

 
And you, my dear,
sweet American friends...

 
...you were here, right at the start.

 
Come, we celebrate.

 
This chicken's really sensational!
Wanna give out the recipe?

 
No, is old Tijada secret.

 
- The po//o must be marinated for six weeks.
- It's very good.

 
- You don't get this stuff in New York.
- Vince, you are not hungry? You just pick?

 
"He just pick, pick, pick."

 
It kills me the way you do that.

 
He no like the food?
"No, no, he no like the food."

 
It's just that my stomach is a little upset.
I have to stay away from marinated birds.

 
Did I just hear a doorbell?

 
- Bravo, bravo, bravo.
- Excellent, excellent.

 
The New Red Army Choir.

 
Oh, yes, extremely gifted.

 
And now, my friends, a special surprise.

 
Please, follow me.

 
General, what's the traffic like
this time of day?

 
I'm having a good time. He's a dictator,
but there's something innocent about him.

 
Yes, extremely innocent.
I think my hearing's shot.

 
- Did you just hear a helicopter?
- No.

 
Gentlemen! Gentlemen! Come.

 
I would like to present you with the coveted
General Garcia Medal of Freedom.

 
Oh, general, how nice.

 
My wonderful American friends.
My brave American friends.

 
May I share something with you?

 
I am a pacifist by nature
with a deep Quaker belief...

 
...in the sanctity of human life.

 
I wish I had the choice but to kill you.

 
What did he say?

 
You heard right.

 
- Okay, what's our next move?
- Move?

 
- No more moves. This is it.
- No kidding around. What?

 
- That's all she wrote.
- Come on, what's the plan?

 
I'm wide open,
what do you got in mind?

 
- Can't we create a diversion?
- Like what?

 
- You're the expert, think of something!
- I'll give it a shot.

 
General?

 
May I interject for a moment, please?

 
General...

 
...spare this man.

 
This man, Sheldon Kornpett...

 
Shelley, I call him...

 
...he's a great dentist from New York...

 
...a city in which, as you
probably know, general...

 
...there are thousands
of Spanish-speaking people who stand...

 
...in dire need of extensive bridgework...

 
...and this man's death, I'm afraid...

 
...would be a crushing blow
to whatever small hopes they might have...

 
...for a healthier set of teeth and gums.

 
That was it? The dental thing?
I'm a dead man!

 
But they will have great memories of you.

 
This is it! My life is over.    years.

 
I've only had four women,
two of them my wife.

 
Once before and once afterwards.
Even in the Army I never fooled around.

 
I'm not one to pat myself on the back,
but I could've told you he'd blow sky-high.

 
- He's not equipped.
- My father, I never called him. Now he's dead!

 
Could we have a sedative for Shel, here?
This is not right.

 
I have no drugs.

 
- An aspirin then?
- I have no aspirins, only herbal teas.

 
- Fine, get the tea.
- There is no time for tea.

 
I insist on at least a blindfold for Shel.

 
I have no blindfolds.
This is a poor country!

 
I hate to be a pain in the ass about this,
but the Geneva Convention stipulates...

 
...that firing squad victims,
and we fall into that category...

 
...are to be given the option of a blindfold.

 
- You can be reported!
- Who will report me? Your ghost?

 
Is your ghost going to report me?

 
General, I insist on at least
a blindfold for Shel here.

 
Come on, be a man! Please be a man!

 
I have to shoot you and do my business!
Stand up! Be a man!

 
I hate to go through this thing
without at least the option of a blindfold!

 
You won't forget I did this?

 
We're supposed to have cigarettes.

 
If you know my heart, as you say you do...
But it's been simple negligence...

 
- What was that?
- A cigarette!

 
- I don't smoke.
- This isn't lit.

 
My cigarette isn't...

 
- Am I shot? Am I shot?
- I don't know.

 
- Get down!
- What?

 
- Get down.
- I can't hear you.

 
Can you get down?

 
- Get down! Are you down?
- Yeah!

 
- Move!
- I can try.

 
Are you moving? Keep moving!

 
- Vince?
- Barry?

 
Get up.

 
Shel, we can get up now.

 
Where were you?
We almost croaked here!

 
- Traffic was brutal.
- You knew he was coming?

 
Shelley Kornpett?

 
Barry Lutz.

 
- We talked on the phone.
- Sorry about the runaround.

 
I'm sure you understand now.
Where are the engravings?

 
He's got a vault behind a tiger painting.
We almost got killed!

 
- You made all that up about him?
- We had to keep you in the dark.

 
- Vince, the money?
- It's over here. The whole schmeer.

 
- And we got another   o...
- And it's in thousands. Stacks of  o.

 
- There's more. We got...
- Yeah, a lot more to the story, Barry.

 
- Beautiful.
- There is another   o million! I give him  o!

 
- Of course you did, general.
- It's true. This bandido has another   o!

 
Get him out of here.

 
Guys, you did fantastic work.

 
- Relieved?
- Oh, yes.

 
- Great feeling, ain't it?
- Yes, it is.

 
We'd love to stand around and schmooze
but our kids are getting married tomorrow.

 
I couldn't be happier for both of you.

 
- I guess I won't see you until Wednesday?
- Wednesday?

 
We have a date in Peru.

 
I don't think so.

 
Sorry to run, but we gotta catch a plane.

 
Hey, wait a minute.

 
What do you mean?
You're quitting the agency?

 
I've had it. My kid's getting married.
There's gonna be grandchildren.

 
- I'm tired. It's over.
- Take a desk job.

 
No, that's not for me.

 
I'll tell you something else,
I don't believe in this crap anymore.

 
It used to be like cowboys and Indians.
Now...

 
I almost died for the international
monetary system. What the hell is that?

 
The family took a vote.
We want him out of this.

 
You can make it on your pension?

 
I'll give it a shot.

 
Mom, we cannot wait any longer!

 
- They called from the airport two hours ago.
- I know!

 
Well, you look so pretty.

 
What did Dad pull this time?

 
Tommy, why do you always assume
it's your father's fault?

 
Of course it's his fault.

 
- I'll never forgive him!
- Carol, what should we do?

 
- Let's go. Maybe they'll make it for lunch.
- Such a shame.

 
- What did you say?
- I said it's such a shame!

 
Holy shit.

 
- Sorry we're late, folks.
- What a day. What a guy. What an entrance!

 
- Off we go, Shel.
- Vince, I didn't think you'd make it!

 
- Okay, let's do it!
- Thanks for waiting.

 
- Two days. We were crazy.
- Everything's terrific.

 
You look wonderful.
I'm great. You'll never know how great.

 
- Honey, we have to start.
- Give the orchestra five minutes to tune up.

 
Orchestra?
Sylvia Jacobs is playing the piano.

 
- We have an orchestra.
- Be serious.

 
We have Carmen Dragon
and the Paramus Philharmonic.

 
Listen.

 
Oh, my God!

 
Dad, where the hell have you been?

 
Well, you're really a man now, Tom.

 
Remember how we'd play ball
on Nagle Avenue?

 
We never played ball on Nagle Avenue.
We talked about it, but...

 
Well, maybe this'll make it up to you.

 
This is from Shelley and me.

 
Barbara got one too.

 
This is a million dollars!

 
- Lf it's not enough, I'll give you more.
- I finally impressed my son.

 
- Daddy, is this all from root canals?
- Well, that and lectures.

 
Oh, God. Oh, my God. I knew it.

 
- I could feel it coming. This is it.
- Hang loose.

 
Let me do the talking.

 
Hey, Bar.

 
What a nice surprise.

 
I didn't think you'd be delighted to see me.
Frankly, I'm shocked and disappointed.

 
- Barry, it's very simple.
- It's simple. We counted wrong.

 
- Wait inside.
- I'd like your daughter to be here.

 
- What is this about?
- Your father-in-law and I...

 
...worked together for   o years,
laying our lives on the line.

 
- Will you listen to me?
- We just made a mistake...

 
He doesn't even invite me
to his own son's wedding.

 
...in the counting of the invitations.

 
We got mixed-up.
I remember Vince wanted to invite you.

 
You know how it is with the family,
uncles, aunts, cousins...

 
Get out of here.
Can't you tell when I'm ribbing you?

 
Here's a little something from the boys
at the agency, a $ o savings bond.

 
- Isn't that nice?
- I'll put it here for safekeeping.

 
- Why don't we...?
- Well, let's have a seat.