Jackass: Number Two Script - Dialogue Transcript

Jackass: Number Two Script

  
  
Attention!

  
Be seated.

  
Now, I'd like to present to you
Jackass 2..

  
But before I do,

  
I would like to introduce you
to the fine men

  
who risked their lives

  
and livers to make this film possible.

  
By God, they made it their duty.

  
Soldiers!

  
About face!

  
Hello. I'm Johnny Knoxville.
Welcome to Jackass!

  
At ease.

  
When we went out to shoot
Jackass Number Two,

  
we actually shot

  
two movies' worth of a movie.

  
I don't know how we ended up
with so much footage. I think...

  
We didn't really want to stop filming.

  
It's just funner than normal life.

  
This is pure black house paint.

  
-It's not really house paint, it's interior.
-lt'll be all right.

  
Water-based, of course.

  
Just paint the fat bastard up,
and let's get this over with.

  
The second thing we shot for
Jackass Number Two was a bit called

  
Beauty and the Beast.

  
And it's an idea Preston wrote, where

  
we dress him up as a gorilla, and
Wee Man up as the damsel in distress.

  
And we stand them up on top of
a building, or in our case a porta-potty,

  
and fly airplanes at them
and crash them into them

  
and, you know, he's the big King Kong.

  
And after hiding
my extreme fear of heights

  
for six years, I got busted.

  
What's the technical word for that,
fear of heights?

  
Fatty-fall-down-aphobia?

  
Oh, shit!

  
Oh, here it comes.

  
-Come on, Kong.
-Oh, my God!

  
Oh, my God, Kong!

  
-Bring it back. Bring it back.
-Come on, Kong!

  
It's coming in fast this time, Kong!

  
Come on!

  
Holy shit!

  
-Beat its ass!
-Oh, my God!

  
I'm dizzy. I'm dizzy.
I'm about to pass out.

  
Oh, my God!

  
-Oh, shit!
-Oh, crap.

  
-Oh shit! Hey, Preston!
-Preston! Sit down!

  
-Sit down.
-Sit down.

  
Preston, get down.

  
Hey, do the sound.

  
Preston, you're doing good, buddy.

  
I thought he was crying at one point.

  
How you doing?

  
Hey, we're getting gold, man.

  
-Watch out.
-He's going to shit himself.

  
Hey, Gay Ray can't rescue you.

  
Get back up there, Wee Man.

  
I was up there having, literally,
the worst day of my damn life.

  
All I could see was all the boys,
all my friends down there,

  
just pointing and laughing at me.

  
-Grab the prop.
-What's happening?

  
-Ready, go!
-He looks like a giant target.

  
It's the kind of shit
that you feel like a bad person for.

  
Save your woman!

  
-Shit!
-You all right?

  
Oh, no, dude, that was not good.

  
-He's all right.
-ls he good?

  
-I can't believe he's all right.
-Dude, he missed the mattress.

  
-Biggest noise.
-That wasn't very good.

  
It didn't end very good.

  
I don't got anything to say about that.

  
You all right?

  
It was the hardest day of any day
I've had in Jackass, in eight years.

  
And I honestly didn't think I'd be able
to finish the movie after that.

  
It was that bad.

  
-Hello. I'm Preston Lacy.
-And I'm Wee Man.

  
This is Beauty and the Beast!

  
Save me, big gorilla, save me!

  
I wonder how you explain
the difference in... That's insane.

  
That's insane.

  
-Save your woman.
-Save your career.

  
Hey, man, come on!

  
Save me, big gorilla, save me.

  
Save me, big gorilla, save me.

  
-That's one brave monkey.
-Oh, yeah, it is.

  
What the fuck?

  
It just goes to show
that when the chips are down

  
It just goes to show
that when the chips are down

  
and life looks like it really sucks...

  
Xanax!

  
I'm Phil Margera, and I'm hungry
for some goddamn meatballs.

  
Do it.

  
Are you all right?

  
Yeah, it got me like a punch.

  
-You going to have a black eye?
-I think so.

  
-Oh my God.
-I hope so.

  
-How was those meatballs, Phil?
-They were delish.

  
-Ape, you did a good job.
-Thank you.

  
I wrote this skit, Dizzy Boxing.

  
And when I wrote it, I wrote that
we would be suspended from ropes

  
that would be twisted around
and around and around,

  
so much that when you let go,
it just spins you like crazy,

  
to where you're just a human blur.
And then you'd box.

  
So you'd be... I mean, crazy dizzy.

  
And then, so,
we end up at some hotel room

  
and office chairs to be spun around in.

  
I'm Dave England,
with Ehren McGhehey,

  
and this is Dizzy Boxing.

  
Yeah! Spin that bitch.

  
Oh, shit.

  
-Let's get it on!
-Kill him.

  
Break it up. Break it up. Break it up.

  
Back to your corner.
Back to your corner.

  
I want you to kill him. Not just beat
him up. I want you to make him dead.

  
He's going to go down.
I'm gonna kill him.

  
I've been saving it for this round.
This is going to be the one.

  
Round 2.

  
Let's get it on!

  
-Fight it out. Let's go. Let's go.
-Kill him.

  
All right, break it up. Break it up.
Break it up.

  
-Look, he's all amped up.
-Yeah, he won a round. He's stoked.

  
He's got the taste for blood.
He wants to kill.

  
Yeah!

  
Round 3.

  
-All right, D. Just kick his ass.
-Come on, England.

  
Straight to the DVD.

  
Straight to the DVD.

  
Let's get it on!

  
Yeah!

  
Yeah!

  
Yeah, that's right!

  
-Yeah!
-That was a good one.

  
Stop! He's down, he's down.

  
I'd never break up a fight like that.

  
One, two, three, four, five,

  
six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

  
We have a winner!

  
-Yeah!
-Yeah!

  
Winner is Ehren McGhehey!

  
Dizzy boxing champion!

  
And there's the loser.

  
-Hello?
-Hi, Mom.

  
-Hi.
-I'm at the beach.

  
That doesn't sound...
Well normally, I'd say, "Yay!"

  
But that doesn't sound too good.

  
I'm going to film a skit.

  
It's called the Butt Bead Ass Kite.

  
What?

  
I'm going to fly a kite out of my ass.

  
You need to explain this to me.
How do you fly a kite out of your butt?

  
You put anal beads up there.

  
Are you kidding me?

  
Yeah, don't worry, I'm going to help out.

  
The beads are going to be totally
lubed up, April, it's cool.

  
-We're going to spit on them.
-Are you joking?

  
"We're going to spit on them"!

  
Ape, what do you think?

  
How are you not going
to get arrested doing this?

  
We have permits.

  
-Yeah.
-Where do you get a permit for that?

  
Paramount.

  
We can't get a permit
for something stupid, like an addition,

  
and you're getting a permit for that?

  
-So, do you approve of this skit?
-No!

  
-Well, I'm doing it anyway. Goodbye.
-I knew you would, but I...

  
It's a beautiful day at the beach,
and I feel like flying a kite.

  
Out of my ass!

  
I just lost a shitload of fans.

  
But I gained four in Key West.

  
Oh, man.

  
Sand in the Vaseline now.

  
There you go.

  
Ape is going to hate this one.

  
Get it in there, buddy!

  
-I'm trying!
-I can't do this.

  
What's going on back there?

  
-Fucking freak!
-Check this. Chris, check.

  
-What's the ball count there, dude?
-I can't do this.

  
-What's the ball count, Chris?
-All right, I'll tell you the ball count.

  
Hold on. I'll tell you guys the ball count.

  
Take the ball count,

  
-and just agree that it's good.
-It's...

  
-It's three balls.
-One more to go!

  
-Come on.
-One more to go.

  
One more, Bam. One more.

  
-I don't need any help.
-Push it in!

  
-Time to go!
-I got it.

  
-Okay, it's ready.
-This is just like a fucking pirate...

  
-It's fucking in! It's all in!
-I'm impressed.

  
I'm impressed, too. I'm impressed.

  
Fly the fucking kite!

  
Fly the kite! Fly the fucking kite!

  
Fly the kite!

  
-You ready?
-Fly the kite!

  
Here goes the kite!

  
Pull it out!

  
Get them out! Get them out!

  
Get them out!

  
Pull it out!

  
No way!

  
What happened?

  
I didn't pull it out.
That was Mother Nature.

  
I saw a...

  
Let's see if there's shit on them.

  
Steve-O, is there shit on it?

  
Yeah.

  
All the other stuff, like getting
dicks branded on your ass, is funny.

  
Even the golden dildo up the ass,
that's hilarious.

  
But, like, anal beads going out
of your ass, from a kite, on the beach?

  
There's just something
a little too shady about that.

  
I was under the influence
of alcoholic beverages

  
and I thought it was
a good idea at the time.

  
Miller High Life!

  
I love that we're scared.

  
That bull's crazy, Wee Man.

  
Oh shit! Now your cape's gone.

  
Fuck that.

  
We're at Ape and Phil's house,
and I'm going to surprise them

  
with this big honking bazooka.

  
-Ape, hit the deck!
-Hey!

  
-Why? What? What is that?
-Hit the fucking deck!

  
What...

  
-Bam!
-Fire in the hole!

  
What was that?

  
-Check my heart rate, somebody.
-We're burning!

  
-There's a fucking fire!
-190 over 1 10 or something.

  
Where? Where?

  
Bam!

  
-What?
-Look at the carpet.

  
The carpet's all melted.

  
Dico shot that one.

  
Yeah, that was Dico's,
'cause he didn't have...

  
You're kind of like not hearing
what I'm saying.

  
I'm saying the carpet's melted.

  
-Yeah but that wasn't me.
-That was Dico's.

  
I fired a bazooka, he fired a rocket.

  
I don't care who it was! The carpet's...
Who's firing this in the house?

  
That was Dico,
'cause he fired the rocket.

  
That's a rocket. He did a bazooka.

  
-Yelling at me is pointless.
-Yeah, it is. 'Cause he...

  
-You know what?
-He did the carpet.

  
-It's unfair to yell at me, 'cause l...
-And I put it out.

  
Here. There's your rocket back.
I put it out.

  
-I was here to help.
-I'm so tired of burned-up carpet.

  
It's not my fault, Ape.
We were jamming music so much,

  
we just wanted to rock it.

  
I dare you to push that shit over.

  
Unlock it!

  
Unlock it, I'll let you out.
All right, buddy?

  
I'm sorry. I love you, bro.

  
Just unlock it. I'll get you out of there.

  
Come on, Bam, unlock it.

  
I so didn't even start.

  
I'm so sorry, buddy.
I didn't mean to do it.

  
You know, you just stirred up
so much shit in there.

  
Oh, God!

  
When we're shooting, everyone's
getting fucked with, all the time.

  
Including myself.

  
Oh, fuck!

  
And it got a little much,
where Tremaine couldn't even...

  
Couldn't even shoot anything on the set,
because I was just...

  
I could not stop.

  
Dude, sorry. Sorry, Jeff.

  
It was so uncomfortable that l

  
had to stand with my back to something,

  
so I could just see
anything coming at me.

  
Yeah, it's tough some days, man.

  
This is a crab on a C-clamp.

  
These C-clamps don't feel good,
especially on your ass.

  
Or the back of the arm. Oh, my God!

  
It's going to feel really bad
on the back of the arm.

  
-Fuck!
-Fuck! Damn! Shit!

  
-You've been crabbed!
-It's all right.

  
I'd love to get crabs from Knoxville.

  
-Bitch!
-Rolling.

  
Oh, fuck.

  
Fuck!

  
Don't get me with that thing.
I think I got it enough.

  
Dude, you want these things to the left?

  
I'm done. I'm done. I'm done.

  
-I am fucking done. I'm fucking done.
-That's for the porta-potty.

  
-I'm done.
-That's for the...

  
-I'm fucking done.
-Here. Here!

  
-Come here. I'll get it. I'll get it.
-Watch out.

  
-Rape face! Rape face!
-He was stuck in the porta-potty.

  
Oh, my God.

  
-Kick his ass.
-Kick his ass, Preston, fuck!

  
I'm done with that. I'm done.

  
That's what I said. They play
too many practical jokes.

  
You can't get no rest
around these guys.

  
Don't fall asleep.

  
Hell, no. You better not
fall asleep around Jackass.

  
Best part was

  
when we sprayed him
with the water guns, in the cooler.

  
Yeah, that was my best part, too.

  
Well, we filled the water guns up
with pee, and we sprayed everybody.

  
What's going on?

  
I'm pissing into this water gun,

  
and I'm going to jump in the cooler
and surprise the bros.

  
-Where the beers at? Rock 'n' roll.
-I think it's one of those coolers.

  
I really don't drink Miller, but I'm going
to have to make an exception.

  
Get you a drink, man. Join the party.

  
Captain Morgan on the house.

  
-Oh, shit!
-Yeah, buddy!

  
That don't taste like Captain Morgan!

  
It tastes like piss.

  
Drink up, buddy.

  
-I think that was...
-Oh, man!

  
Last time I checked, it was piss.

  
Is this piss? Oh, it is piss, isn't it?

  
Whose piss?
Get away from me, little guy.

  
Don't waste it all.

  
What about when the raft
went off in your Lambo?

  
Oh, God. Yeah.

  
A raft that instantly inflates to, like,

  
ten by seven, or some shit,

  
in a Lamborghini
where the window is this wide as it is.

  
in a Lamborghini
where the window is this wide as it is.

  
I can just see the whole...
The window was cracking,

  
the sunroof was popping out.

  
Yeah, I was like, "This sucks so bad. "

  
I think your windshield's messed up.

  
Yeah, that was...

  
Should have thought that one through
a little bit better, dudes.

  
-I played, like, maybe two weeks ago.
-Do you honestly play?

  
-Yeah.
-Really?

  
-All right.
-What do you say

  
I bang one out of your ass?

  
I think we can do it.

  
-Let me try it out of your ass.
-Awesome.

  
Let's get it... Put it in his ass.

  
You guys are pricks.

  
-All right.
-Pull up your cardigan.

  
-Oh, my...
-All right.

  
Let's see this kick-ass form
that you're talking about.

  
-Oh, dude! Dude. Dude.
-Get me up!

  
You okay?

  
-You did good.
-You asshole, you didn't even try, man.

  
-You suck at golf.
-No. It was good.

  
-Show the camera your hole in the butt.
-Show the hole in the butt.

  
Thank you, sir.

  
That was great.

  
Hey, sir. Would you mind

  
driving a golf ball off my friend's crotch?

  
If we get a long tee.

  
-Can you hit one out of his pee-pee?
-Yeah, I'll try.

  
Oh, man.

  
-This is golfing.
-Yeah, yeah.

  
-Oh, man.
-Oh, my God.

  
-Oh, man.
-Try to get your face out of the way.

  
Just take a deep breath. Easy up, bub.

  
-All right?
-Oh, my God.

  
All right, sir. Do your worst.

  
Best! Sorry.

  
Oh, my God!

  
-He hit it after it fell off.
-Dude, I saw the ball

  
Iike an inch away from my face.

  
Yeah, I don't know how he hit it
when it was falling.

  
-That was great.
-Wow. Good hit.

  
-Man.
-That was kick-ass.

  
Please hit the idiots. Pass it on.

  
-Hit the idiots. Pass it on.
-Please hit the idiots.

  
Pass it on.

  
You're going to get hit, midget.

  
There went one.

  
Man, these guys are...

  
Hit them!

  
Look at Wee Man.

  
What jerks.

  
Wow.

  
-He got it right in the dick.
-Was it good?

  
That's great.

  
So one of the things that led
to the making of Number Two

  
was when I went to Russia
with the Wildboyz,

  
and Tremaine saw that
I was pretty excited to shoot.

  
And the first thing I shot in Russia was
when we went to Saint Petersburg

  
and there was some Russian
sex museum/prostate exam clinic.

  
"Oh great! That sounds great!
Yeah, let's go shoot it tomorrow! Great!"

  
But then when we got there,
they told me what they wanted me to do.

  
Holy...

  
You're just going to go face-first.

  
-You can put off your trousers.
-You want my trousers?

  
Yes. And we shall observe you.

  
Come here, and put on your knees.

  
-Okay. Do I need to lose the boxers?
-Just... Just...

  
Sometime later. Just... Now you are...

  
-Okay.
-Knees here.

  
-Okay.
-Knees here.

  
And elbows. Elbows here.

  
And also,
you have to put off your trousers.

  
-Just enough.
-No Sacagawea.

  
Just enough. These nurses
may do the massage of prostate.

  
-What? What?
-Yeah.

  
So... No, wait a second!
Why is he doing it?

  
-It's the...
-lt is a special doctor procedure.

  
It may... Only the doctor can
do the massage of prostate.

  
Not nurse, but doctor.

  
No, no, no, no.

  
You guys just did
the fucking Texas switch.

  
You told me the nurse was going to...

  
-Rectal examination for prostate...
-I don't care about...

  
I don't care about a massage
from the doc.

  
But, it must be done by doctor.

  
Calm down.

  
-There's no calming down.
-No, no. There is. You're fine.

  
-That's too far.
-No, no, no.

  
- All right, he's got to stop. It hurts.
-Oh, my God!

  
Does it feel good?

  
-No, it doesn't feel good.
-It's a massage.

  
Let's... Don't make eye contact.

  
Tell the doc not to make eye contact.

  
-Just relax, and try to enjoy it.
-Relax. Try to enjoy, yes?

  
That will do. That will do. That's all.

  
-That's good.
-That's all.

  
Oh, my God. He put two digits in you.

  
-Come on, that felt good, right?
-You are the champion.

  
-You are.
-Boy, did I get roped into this one.

  
-You are the champion.
-I won nothing!

  
You're the champion.

  
I'm having a great time here.

  
-Am I okay?
-Okay, okay.

  
It's okay. There is no big problem,
but some...

  
Little loose in your prostate.

  
He's loose.

  
After I was anally probed
by a device and a full-grown man...

  
Hello, ma'am.

  
...I...

  
There was an idea for me to go

  
donate sperm, so they could
you know, assess

  
my virility.

  
So, in this room, you are to masturbate,

  
and to collect your sperm for analysis.

  
For analysis. Please follow the nurse.

  
Hi.

  
How many times have we joked around
about going to a clinic together?

  
You guys aren't coming in here.

  
You guys are out.

  
That's a very small cup.

  
Yeah, but... Okay, I'll try to hit it.

  
And so I went in a room,
and tried to, you know,

  
And so I went in a room,
and tried to, you know,

  
give them the sperm they wanted.

  
But it's tough when you got
four of your friends outside the door

  
Iistening to you try to give sperm.

  
It really blows your concentration.

  
Quit giggling!

  
So, "golden nuggets"...

  
I can't even get a fucking hard-on.

  
And for those of you who don't know,
you can produce sperm with a softie.

  
Just... You got to pull quick.

  
So, you did it.

  
It took forever.

  
I don't know if you want to...
I kind of missed a little.

  
Who wants to... Who's...

  
No, no, come on... Hey! No! No!

  
Look at him! Kosick's... Look at Kosick!

  
-lt was water.
-Funny joke.

  
It's about Rick Kosick. It's called
Ricky Did the Boogie-Woogie.

  
We met Ricky-Wicky
In the spring of '
  
He loved to dance the boogie-woogie

  
And he boogie-woogied fine

  
Now it's 1 He's a little bit older

  
He's traded his Camaro
For a crimson Dodge...

  
He boogie-woogie all night
Boogie...

  
We went to do this thing
where Steve-O was going to get

  
a condom bit out of his ass,

  
from between his butt cheeks,
by a rattlesnake.

  
A crazy one, too. The thing was gnarly,
and mad and mean.

  
These are the fangs of the eastern
diamondback rattlesnake.

  
-This is what injects the venom into you.
-There goes a little more.

  
-That's great.
-Ready, Steve-O?

  
Don't fuck with the eastern
diamondback rattlesnake

  
without wearing a condom.

  
I'm Steve-O,
and this is the Rattlesnake Salad Toss.

  
Move your ass that way.
You got it. There you go.

  
Come back. Ass back. Ass back.

  
-Back up.
-Why am I backing up to a rattlesnake?

  
This is an experiment.

  
It's so important to get a rattlesnake
to bite something out of my butt!

  
All right. But you have to put
the condom towards the snake.

  
That was nice.

  
Bend down. Bend over. Bend over.

  
He's still got the condom in his mouth.

  
So after Jackass: The Movie,

  
we started making a show called
Wildboyz with Chris and Steve-O,

  
and we shot some of the most amazing
stuff we've ever made.

  
And so one of the ideas
with Number Two was to

  
recreate some of the best things
we shot for Wildboyz.

  
Unfortunately, it didn't always work out.

  
I'm Chris Pontius, and my day
is about to take a turn for the worse.

  
Here's why.

  
Chris, a snapping turtle's about
to bite your nose.

  
Oh, Jesus...

  
-Well, that fucking sucked.
-You got it good.

  
Oh my God! You got it so good.

  
Dude, you're like
Rudolph the Red-Nosed...

  
Reindeer!

  
That's so beautiful.

  
T-nigs, that snapping turtle
tore him up, huh?

  
Oh yeah! Guess what? If I was going
to do the snapping turtle thing,

  
I wouldn't do it on my nose.

  
Where would you do it?
On your pecker?

  
Absolutely.

  
So what became of that?
Did we even air that on the movie?

  
-Or are we putting that in 2.?
-Yeah.

  
Jesus! That...

  
All right.

  
One of the most successful places
we ever went with Wildboyz was lndia.

  
Jeff wanted to go back to lndia because,

  
I don't know, that's where he found
his spirit animal or something.

  
I don't know.

  
India was awesome.

  
It is a beautiful country filled with
rich culture and a wonderful heritage.

  
No, I hated it,

  
and I'm pretty sure I'm the fattest
person, ever, in the history of lndia.

  
The production company got
about 20 other little people together.

  
Hello, there.

  
They probably didn't know
what they were gonna be doing.

  
What's up? Wee Man.

  
The next thing you know,
they're all getting painted blue

  
and wearing orange wigs.

  
And it was great. I've never been
with that many little people,

  
filming one big thing at once,

  
and it was awesome.

  
We shot with the man with
the longest fingernails in the world.

  
And he's been growing these things
for like, I don't know, 50 years.

  
And he carries them around...
He puts, like, a bag over them

  
that almost looks like
he's got a rifle in his hand.

  
And so, he agreed to shoot with us.

  
But he didn't really know
what Jackass was,

  
and we didn't really know
what to do with him.

  
It's Miller time.

  
Oh, God.

  
Oh, they're coming right off
his fingertips.

  
He probably hasn't washed those things
in 50 years, O.

  
Jesus!

  
Steve-O, I told you no!
It offends the ladies!

  
No, wait! Where you going?
You can't leave the set!

  
I'm sorry, ladies.

  
Thank you, Shridhar.

  
Thank you, Shridhar.

  
So we're in lndia, and I decide,

  
"All right. Well, let's sort of combine
all the lndian stereotypes into one bit."

  
So, we were like, "All right.
Let's get a bed of nails.

  
"And let's get some snake charmers,
and, oh, shit, let's get an elephant,

  
"put the elephant in the background. "

  
And so, one by one,
I'm going through each cast member.

  
I'm like, "Hey, Steve-O, you wanna lay
on the bed of nails?"

  
"Oh, no, dude, I did that for Wildboyz.
I don't wanna do that."

  
Basically, it gets down to Ehren.
Ehren's always the last guy.

  
And this one gets down to Ehren.
And he says no.

  
And I'm like, "Ehren, please,
you're the last guy I can ask.

  
"Just come over here and look at it."

  
Go ahead and stick it up your ass.

  
Dude, look at this. A rusty nail in lndia,
and he wants me to lay on that shit. No!

  
-Why don't you sit on it and show us?
-I sat on it!

  
And Trip sits on it, and he fucking gets
punctured with a rusty nail!

  
Through his fucking hand!

  
Tetanus here in lndia.
Are you kidding me?

  
Fuck off!

  
Crazy, dude. I ain't doing that shit.

  
Bullshit.

  
I'm Danger Ehren, and this is
the bed of nails, with snakes.

  
You got it, Dange.

  
Don't even worry about the cobras, man.
Chris has your back.

  
-I do?
-Yeah.

  
You got it, dude. This is... Just...

  
Nice and even.

  
This feels like it's gonna go
right up my ass.

  
No, it isn't. Put your back...

  
It's a bed, Danger.
You're supposed to lay on it.

  
-Okay.
-Dude, right on your legs.

  
-Okay.
-Dude, right on your legs.

  
On your legs.

  
And then this one.

  
Hold on!

  
The more you spread your weight out,
the less it's gonna hurt.

  
-Yeah, that's what you got to do.
-Put your leg down.

  
Hold on!

  
What don't you understand
about "put your leg down"?

  
I'm on a bed of fucking nails, man!

  
Fuck!

  
Now on your turban, too.

  
Put those motherfuckers on!

  
Oh, shit!

  
Relax, Ehren. They're just cobras.

  
Oh, God. No, not between the legs!

  
Oh! Fuck, man! No fucking way!

  
There's a fucking snake on my chest,

  
and I'm on nails right now.

  
-Are you sad?
-I'm not happy.

  
-But you like the music.
-Oh, this fucking hurts!

  
Oh, shit. Shit.

  
Get me off of here. Get me off of here.
I'm serious. Please.

  
Please. I don't care... Please. Please.

  
Jeff, get me the fuck off
of this bed of fucking nails right now.

  
-Take the snakes off!
-All right, fine.

  
Please...

  
I'm so over this right now. Please.

  
This is not fun!

  
Seriously, I need to stop. Now!

  
Please.

  
-All right!
-Fuck!

  
Fuck!

  
-Want to do one more song?
-Wait... Wait, no.

  
You got it, dude.

  
All right, a round of applause.

  
Wait, wait, wait. I still need help.

  
-All right, dude.
-You do need help.

  
You're gonna have to pull me up now.

  
Seriously, don't drop me or anything.

  
Oh, look at that.

  
Holy moly!

  
And remember, safety first.

  
Jesus. I thought we were gonna
finally get rid of him.

  
-All right!
-Yeah!

  
The ultimate failed bit that we shot
for Number Two

  
was this bit that we shot for Wildboyz

  
where we got this gold
from this tribe called the Aghoris.

  
The Aghoris are
this religious sect in lndia

  
that believe
they can reach enlightenment

  
by throwing themselves
into all things that are, like,

  
bad, basically.

  
They eat fucking human flesh.

  
They steal dead bodies out of graves
and eat them.

  
They want to antique you
with fucking cremated human ash.

  
They really are a handful. Like, they'll
try to bite you, and suck your blood,

  
and throw their pee on you,
and all this terrible stuff.

  
Nobody went into it with a good attitude.

  
Actually, nobody even went into it,

  
except for me and Pontius
and Dave England.

  
We saw these fucked-up dudes on TV
and we decided we had to meet them.

  
Again.

  
So the next thing I know,
I'm in a Wildboyz sandwich.

  
I fucking had this dumbass shirt.

  
I looked like a fucking tourist,
and I got flip-flops on,

  
and I'm like, "What the fuck?"

  
They were all these fucking creepy,
shitty, spastic, skinny Aghoris.

  
They were out of control when we
filmed with them on Wildboyz.

  
But they obviously knew it was a movie
this time around.

  
It's like they really tried to step it up.

  
Were those the same dudes
from Wildboyz?

  
One of the guys takes out a knife
and he just starts slicing up his leg.

  
And I was like, "Wow, that's cool."
Well, it's not really cool.

  
And he comes over to us
with all the blood and, like...

  
God. Yeah, we were like, "Fuck this. "

  
-Watch it, Dave! Watch it, Dave!
-Whoa! Whoa!

  
Don't, man!

  
Dude, seriously, I have Aghori-phobia
and I can't handle this.

  
Okay, what have you got? Guys, please.
He's got blood on his thumb.

  
Yeah, that's...

  
-No, no.
-All right! Back to... Everything's cool.

  
Yeah, let's check some of that...

  
Be very fucking careful, man.
Go drink that blood or some shit.

  
Johnny, I'm gonna
fucking smack someone.

  
Dave England's freaked out, and...
We all were. We were like...

  
It was just a complete disaster.

  
And then the next thing you know,
which I think is kind of weak,

  
one of the gurus just pees in a cup
and he starts drinking it.

  
And we're like, "Dude!
Drinking piss! That... "

  
Fucking put it in a snow cone,
then maybe we'll talk.

  
Welcome to the DVD extras section
of Jackass Number Two.

  
Oh, my God.

  
Yeah, so the Aghoris didn't work,
and I decided at that point,

  
"All right, we're not shooting any more
Wildboyz bits for Jackass. "

  
What's happening here today, Daniel?

  
Well, we're gonna take this
40-millimeter grenade launcher,

  
and put this specialty impact munition
called a REACT lmpact.

  
REACT stands for "Radiated Energy
Air-Cushioned Trajectile."

  
It looks like Bam's dick.

  
Show it!
Come on, pull it out, pull it out.

  
-Come on.
-Come on, let's see it.

  
-It's the same thing!
-How would you know?

  
Look!

  
You... Screw you guys!

  
Bam can have that one.
I've got a new one.

  
So we're gonna shoot this
at about 60 feet,

  
and it should make a pretty nice impact.

  
-What're we gonna shoot?
-You.

  
You're gonna get shot with Bam's dick
in the ass.

  
-Assume the position.
-Let's go.

  
Are you ready for the first laugh
when this happens?

  
Where'd it hit him?

  
-lt hit him in the butt!
-Where'd it hit him at?

  
Oh, yeah, it hit me.

  
-Right in the middle.
-But where was he hit?

  
-Let's see.
-I'm not fucking with you.

  
Yeah, we're not touching anything.

  
-Where?
-Right there.

  
Oh, right, underneath...

  
-Yeah.
-Oh, my God.

  
How did Bam's dick feel on your ass?

  
Oh, fuck. I ain't into that,
back-door shenanigans.

  
-Where'd it hit you?
-Right there.

  
-Oh, my...
-Oh, look at it now.

  
Oh, dude, that looks awful.

  
Oh, my God.

  
Holy God.

  
Oh, God.

  
Oh, my God,
it's right next to your bean bag.

  
Oh, my God.

  
Did you have your bean bag out
when he shot?

  
-Fuck, yeah.
-That's insane!

  
-How're you doing today?
-I'm not stoked on the whole situation.

  
-Why?
-Alligators piss me off.

  
And then there's fucking barbed wire
above it. That sucks.

  
And then we're going
in this tiny little hole

  
with pigs that're gonna shit and piss.

  
That sucks.

  
Then we go through that, which is...
Gonna get hit by paintballs,

  
by professional paintballers.

  
That sucks.

  
Then we have to drink a spittoon.

  
And, like, I already have
a barfing problem.

  
And then I'm gonna do that again
for sure, 'cause that's disgusting.

  
This is the Cajun Obstacle Course!

  
On your mark, set get, go!

  
-Oh, shit!
-Go, go, go, go!

  
Go, go, go, go!

  
Oh, God.

  
I didn't even touch it! I mean...

  
Fuck it. I lose, man.

  
Who drank it first?

  
Bam did.

  
All right. And the winner is Bam!

  
Oh, right on the spit!

  
Man, right on the spit.

  
-Hold on.
-Oh, my God.

  
-Jeez.
-Just get fucking naked, Wee Man.

  
Today is the worst day of my life.

  
Throw a snake on that guy.

  
I always thought my whole life that
most people could shit on command.

  
I didn't think that was, like, a real...

  
Some kind of quality
that only certain people had.

  
I just thought... It's hard to pee
on command, pee in front of people,

  
but for me,

  
I can just whip my pants down and
take a shit pretty much any old time.

  
I've made many people
puke from shitting.

  
And I'm proud. And I consider myself
a professional shitter,

  
which I think there's very few of.

  
I'm sure there are some others
out there,

  
but can you name one?

  
Probably not.

  
-Very nice...
-That's fucked up.

  
-Are you really giving me a pee stain?
-A little bit. Jeff wanted one.

  
Oh, that is sad. I have no dignity left.

  
So you, in Number Two,
were a little old lady.

  
What was it like, being a little old lady?

  
I think I felt vulnerable as an old lady,

  
both... Like, sexually, people looking
at my breasts, I felt vulnerable,

  
and also, I felt like my bones
were more brittle,

  
and something
could happen to me bad.

  
Hi. Have we met before?

  
-No.
-I don't want to meet.

  
-Do you like sex?
-Hell, no!

  
That's my boyfriend. Leave him alone.

  
Oh, okay. All right.

  
I loved shooting Old Man.

  
You had to get up super early and
you get three hours of makeup,

  
but it's so fun, 'cause I can go out
in the street and prank people

  
Iike I did when the show began,
and no one recognizes me.

  
No one recognizes this.

  
It's a blessing and a burden.

  
Hi. My name is lrving Zisman.

  
This is my good friend Clyde Singleton,

  
and today we're going to
take a test drive.

  
Yeah.

  
-Hi.
-Hello.

  
-How're you, son?
-Are you here to see Daniel?

  
-Yes, sir.
-I'm Daniel. Nice to meet you.

  
Oh, hi, Daniel. I'm sorry.
How're you, son?

  
I'm fine, thank you.

  
Oh, she's a pretty one.

  
-Can I take it for a spin?
-Of course, of course.

  
-Here you are.
-Oh, thank you.

  
-Starts right up.
-Very good.

  
Where are you from?

  
Born and raised in Los Angeles,
right here.

  
-All right.
-Never been anywhere else.

  
-It's a lovely city.
-lt is, it's great.

  
-Everything you need, close by.
-Yes.

  
Watch out, watch out, watch out!

  
Stop the car.

  
What the fuck is going on?

  
Just... Just stop the car, sir.

  
What the fuck are you guys doing?

  
-I'm sorry.
-Let's get the foot off the pedal.

  
-I'm serious!
-Hey, hey, hey.

  
-You just smashed my cart!
-I'm sorry. He's an old man on...

  
-What am I supposed to do?
-Score one for Dixie!

  
You just let Bob Barker hit my cart!

  
What're you doing?

  
It's not me, sir. I'm sorry. I didn't...

  
-I'm shocked, too, right now.
-Oh, my God.

  
-What did you say, boy?
-Look at this! You let this dude drive?

  
Come on, dude! You let him drive.
You let him drive the car.

  
Can I get some reparation cans?

  
I had no control. You saw what
happened after he slammed.

  
I'm really sorry.

  
I got chili on my nose!

  
This one bit we shot,
The Construction Site.

  
I wrote it...
I wanted to do The Deconstruction.

  
You know, I'd go to a construction site,

  
and whatever they were working on,
I would fuck it up.

  
If they're hanging drywall,
I knock it down.

  
Shit.

  
If they're laying out floors,
I bust the floor.

  
Where'd you get this shit from?

  
Oh, fuck.

  
There he is now!

  
-We had a really good spot...
-Oh, shit.

  
...and I walk in,
and everyone's on their lunch break.

  
So no one's wanting to deal
with an old man,

  
so I really have to work
to get their attention.

  
Hey, there's a bathroom
outside over here.

  
So you really peed?

  
Oh, yeah. I peed a lot!

  
I mean, they were on lunch.
I had to do something.

  
I couldn't pull a Dave England,
'cause I don't have that gift.

  
Hey, sir, excuse me,
you can't do that in here.

  
There's a bathroom down there.

  
Oh, thank you, son, I'm done now.

  
Okay, we're gonna go outside.
We're gonna go outside.

  
We are outside!

  
We're gonna go outside, sir,
we're gonna go outside.

  
We're gonna go outside. Come on.

  
-I'm coming.
-Come on.

  
Whoa! Whoa! God damn it.

  
Let's go outside.

  
-Come on, let's go.
-Hey... Hey, let go of me!

  
Whoa! Wow.

  
God damn it.
You don't got to manhandle me.

  
-Oh, I bet you fellows like this, huh?
-We don't want you to get hurt.

  
Well, somebody's gonna get hurt
and it ain't gonna be me,

  
you keep manhandling me like this.

  
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

  
Oh, my back.

  
Oh, now...

  
Big man.

  
Big man!

  
Punks.

  
What is this?

  
Why do you have a camera on you?

  
Oh, fuck.

  
The impression I got from watching
the whole crew work today

  
was that you guys
had never shot before.

  
We had Jeffrey Ross with us,

  
who is a comedian
who loves to just tear people apart.

  
So it was a great idea to put him
right behind me in the van.

  
Tremaine loves... He's...

  
First of all, he has a cell phone
in one hand, an earpiece, a walkie,

  
and he's driving. And he's directing!

  
Jump up and down. Yeah.

  
Wait. Mike! Mike! Mike!

  
What am I gonna do, dude?

  
You should have moved it
like a pickup basketball game.

  
Who's around? Let's see who's around.
Maybe we'll get some good shit.

  
It's like watching a bunch
of retards play poker in the dark.

  
But at the end
we got the footage we needed.

  
I mean, there was really
no rhyme or reason...

  
Yeah, you can cut that together
into a DVD extra.

  
Ouch!

  
Are you really peeing? Oh, my God.

  
-ls it working? Am I hitting anything?
-Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

  
Oh, my God!

  
It hurts to... I'm just gonna save it.

  
-You fucking asshole!
-Oh, my God! Here! Here, here!

  
No, no! Let go! Oh, no, no!
My good scarf!

  
-My piss reeks.
-Oh, God.

  
We're here with BMX legend
Mat Hoffman,

  
and this is Mini Motorcycle Mayhem!

  
Sorry, bro.

  
I didn't see you there.
I thought you went over to produce.

  
Dave! You knocked out my tooth again!

  
Sorry, dude...

  
We keep trying to get a good bit
with me dressed as a baby.

  
And it's not happening.
I don't know what it is.

  
We filmed this atrocity

  
where we thought it'd be funny
if Wee Man was born.

  
So we covered him with tomato sauce
and dressed him up as a baby.

  
This is already fucking bullshit.

  
-All right, Tremaine.
-Stop it. You need to be there.

  
We had the lady
that made me disappear.

  
We tried to have her sit on me.

  
And then have her giving birth
to a Wee Man.

  
Full speed once it's on
and then you get out of the way.

  
-Oh, God.
-No! No! I can't breathe!

  
Hold on, I can't breathe.
I can't breathe. Seriously.

  
Up! Up! Help her!
Get her off my fucking ankle!

  
It's in the ground, dude.

  
No, dude, I can't do this, dude.
It's fucking...

  
And it just... It was bad. It was horrible,
and it didn't happen.

  
-This one, I'm ashamed.
-Okay, watch out.

  
I'm just ashamed.

  
In Number Two, we were obsessed
with doing a thing called The Poof,

  
where you could see a fart.

  
You had to put powder up the ass,
to fart and see it.

  
But no one could fart
when they were supposed to.

  
-I'm Johnny Knoxville.
-And I'm Wee Man.

  
And this is The Poof.

  
-All right.
-Oh, yeah?

  
Yeah, right there.

  
Baby needs a little powder.

  
Oh, baby needs a lot of powder.
It's really wet back there.

  
Okay, this is completely between bros.
This is for the bit.

  
-I'm just going to spread them a little.
-Wee, turn your head.

  
-Okay.
-Okay, wait, wait, wait! Let it die down.

  
Not yet. Let it die down.

  
-Okay.
-Ready?

  
I might shit.

  
-I might shit. Hold on.
-Wait, wait, wait.

  
Wait, I'm supposed to get
enough in there to, like...

  
Okay, here goes, here it goes.

  
I'm afraid I might shit, seriously.

  
God damn!

  
No, that's not the goal!

  
What? Did baby make a boom-boom?

  
Did the baby... You little rascal!

  
God!

  
I told you.

  
Baby doesn't need
to make a boom-boom!

  
Now who wants to change
baby's diaper?

  
You see that?

  
I told you I had to poop.

  
So we really couldn't get anyone to fart
on command. We kept trying,

  
until finally
Knoxville came up with the idea

  
to force some air
up one of the cast members' asses.

  
Poor Mike Judge.

  
I call him and ask him will he be
in the movie, and he's like, "Sure!"

  
"So, well, come by my house tomorrow.
We're shooting a few things."

  
And boy, did he walk in
at the wrong time.

  
He makes...

  
Like, King of the Hill,
he made Beavis and Butt-Head, and...

  
He got pulled into it.
I don't know what his role in it was.

  
Just being there,
you're guilty by association.

  
You know, once you're there,

  
I guess you don't wanna be
a party-pooper.

  
So I ended up pumping a fireplace
bellows up a man's butt.

  
I was thinking, this is usually

  
the kind of thing you have to do
to get into show business,

  
or at the beginning of your career,

  
and I mean,
I've accomplished all this stuff,

  
and there I am...

  
I just got to be more careful, I guess.

  
We're with Mike Judge
and it's time for The Butt Bellows.

  
No one wants to do this at all,
so we're going to draw reeds of grass

  
to see who has to get it up their bum.

  
-All right.
-Okay?

  
-I'm after Knox.
-Okay. I'm after Pontius, then.

  
-That's it. He gets the camera.
-Yes!

  
Let's see who's got the smallest.

  
-Preston!
-Preston!

  
Ready, everyone? Okay, let's do it.

  
Excuse me.

  
You got to be... Do it slow. Do it...

  
I just...

  
He hasn't put it in yet, Preston.

  
I'm just gonna spread your butt cheeks,
okay? Wee Man's gotta find the hole.

  
Hey, Mike.

  
Is that it?

  
Oh, yeah, it's in my butt hole.

  
I guess I have to look, dude.

  
-Do you feel wind?
-Slow, Mike!

  
Yeah, I know, but there is a hole.

  
-Do you feel like you have to fart?
-Yeah.

  
-I'll try to fart.
-Okay, wait, wait, wait.

  
-Do you have to, Preston?
-No.

  
-No? Okay, keep on pumping.
-I'm trying.

  
Let's go back in.

  
What about a straw?

  
Who's gonna blow a straw
up one of their bros' butts?

  
Well, Steve-O's probably
done that before.

  
Easy does it!

  
To the left, to the left, to the left!

  
Not... The other left!

  
-To the fucking left!
-Camera left, you dipshit!

  
-That is the left!
-That's right!

  
-That's... Right, then!
-That's his left.

  
Yeah, but the straw's bending
to the right.

  
Oh, I'm sorry.

  
-Does it have to go in a little bit more?
-A little bit more.

  
-All right, I'm gonna stick it straight in.
-Jesus!

  
-You got to relax.
-I can't.

  
I've never had this much trouble
forcing something into someone's ass.

  
You're gonna get blood.

  
-I'm gonna blow in the straw.
-Blow! Blow!

  
Fill him up.

  
I can't really blow, dude.

  
We are trying to seal...

  
Oh, my God.

  
He farted on him! He farted on him!

  
Oh, my God.

  
Preston, way to go!

  
-Preston! Preston!
-Preston! Preston!

  
I've wanted to work with Mike Judge
my whole life.

  
Ever since I've been in this business.

  
But I never thought it would be in the
capacity of him running air up my ass.

  
Now, there's one thing

  
most of you men will be able to say
when you get back home.

  
And you may thank God for it.

  
Thirty years from now,
when you're sitting around your fireside,

  
with your grandson on your knee,

  
and he says, "Grandpa, what did you do
in the great Jackass Number Two?"

  
Well, you won't have to say,
"l ate shit down in Louisiana."

  
'Cause that was Dave England.

  
All right, you sons of bitches.

  
Now you know how I feel.

  
What do you say we hit the showers?

  
That was horrible!

  
Film the poo, Rick.

  
-Rick, film the poo.
-I'm filming the fucking poo!

  
-You're the fucking...
-I'm not getting any closer!

  
-Oh, gross!
-Rick, film the poo, dude.

  
Rick, film the poo!

  
Rick, film the...

  
And the spaghetti sauce.
I mean, the whole deal.

  
I'm Wee Man, and this is The Leapfrog.

  
Damn!

  
-Shit!
-Oh, God!

  
Oh, God.

  
You didn't see that coming!

  
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

  
Safe!

  
Yeah, bro!

  
That feels awful.

  
I'm alive! I'm alive!

  
I have to give an apology to
Jeff Tremaine, the director of the movie,

  
because I'm a total piece of work
once again,

  
and I still have a half a bottle...

  
-You have to say sorry now, buddy!
-Fucking motherfucker.

  
At this point, I don't even care.

  
When the day is done
When the sun goes down

  
When the children fry

  
When the mothers frown

  
When the blood is spilled

  
And when the knives are drawn

  
When the blood is spilled

  
And your body shakes

  
And your bones will chill

  
You see a ghost

  
My God, I've seen a ghost

  
Y eah.

  
It's for the kids.

  
What song do you have down?

  
No sweat
It's just a ghost