Voila! Finally, the Jackass
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring
Johnny Knoxville, Spike Jonze, Bam Margera, Steve-O, etc.. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Jackass. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
Hi. I'm Johnny Knoxville.
Welcome to Jackass.
Hello. I'm Johnny Knoxville
and I'm about to rent a car.
What's up?
Uh, I have a reservation.
Okay, I need a driver's license and a credit card.
All right.
I need a signature here
that you're going to use your coverage instead of ours.
Is that white one us?
Yes.
We're gonna walk around and inspect it together.
Looks pretty good.
I'm just looking for dents and major scratches.
Yeah.
Something major, gonna write it down.
Little ding there.
Yeah.
No, we'll take good care of her.
Thank you. Have a good week.
You, too. Thank you.
I'm Johnny.
Hey.
We're gonna be doing
a hell of a lot of work here today.
Trust us. We're gonna have fun.
Hi. I'm Johnny Knoxville, and this is called the...
Oh, fuck!
Shut the car off.
Oh, fuck!
I guess we didn't reinforce the windshield.
That fucker comes... missed me by that much.
That's why you got the roll bars behind you, dude.
Whose car is this?
This is your guys' car.
I rented it from you earlier.
Yes. Yeah, wha...?
Yeah, I hit a dog.
A dog isn't gonna do that.
Come on in.
I had a accident, as you can see.
I was... I mean, I drink.
I just black out, so I, um...
Were you drinking or anything?
Yeah, I had a little, to be honest.
Is there any license plates on it?
There was.
Yeah?
Well, hopefully you guys will incur some of the cost.
Oh, no.
'Cause I rented it from you guys fair and square.
I don't want to get stuck with the whole charge of it.
Well, you are going to get stuck with the entire thing.
Well, I don't think I should.
I think you guys should help.
No. You declined any additional coverage.
Right there. You declined it.
Yeah, but that's just paperwork, you know?
It's a legal contract.
Yeah, but I was a little... I was...
I had a few to drink when I signed that, too, so...
We're gonna have to get this worked out.
Yeah, you're gonna have to pay for that car.
Well, you're gonna have to help me pay for that car.
No, we don't do that.
I returned it with a full tank of gas.
You returned it demolished.
Well, it's got a full tank of gas.
That's the least of our worries right now, is the gas.
Oh.
This is an unmitigated outrage.
I've never seen anything like this before.
What does that mean?
No one's ever done that.
Well, I can't pay for it.
Well, you're gonna have to.
Well, I ain't.
Look, I'm gonna let you two guys work it out
and I'm gonna go outside
but, um, that car's gonna have to be paid for.
"F" you!
You all right?
You all right?
Knoxville knocked my nuts in half.
This is...
Oh, it hurts my teeth!
I can't even turn it off.
I thought it was supposed to help.
Okay, you ready?
Yeah.
Okay, okay, I got it. I'm taking care of you.
- It's all right. Okay. - Oh, my God, it's so bad.
It's cool. You cool?
I'm good. Okay.
Come on.
Ease up. Come on. Daddy's gotcha.
Oh, my God, it's so fucking bad.
Daddy's gotcha. Come on.
Whoo!
You're gonna have tits of steel.
Oh!
Yeah, you're so buff right now.
Yeah, this goes on the gooch.
Yeah, it goes-goes around.
This goes on the gooch.
Oh, dude, he's done.
Who's gonna do the gooch?
In case you didn't know what the gooch is
the gooch is the spot
between your balls and butt hole, and...
Ooh!
Oh!
- Ooh! - Does it smell?
- Does it smell like "man"? - Smell.
Just smell it. Just smell it.
Ehren, smell it.
No, come on.
All right, let's zap my nuts.
Yeah, yeah, let's get it over with.
- Are we ready? - They're so gone, man.
Okay.
He likes it! He li...
He likes it.
Afternoon. How you doing?
Oh...
Son of a bitch.
What happened?
Oh, man! Oh!
Aw, fuck! Oh!
Well, now the cats are rockin'
And everyone's feeling all right
And on a Wednesday evening, there's sure gonna be a fight
Yeah, a fight
I say somebody's gonna get their head kicked in tonight
Well, now everybody's groovin'
And everyone's shouting for more
More
I say there's gonna be a pool of blood...
I say somebody's gonna get their head kicked in tonight
We're gonna rip up the chairs
Tear down the walls
Smash up the band
And really have a ball...
The whole dance hall will be a total mess
Well, the cats are rockin'
And everyone is feelin' all right
All right...
Whoa!
I say somebody's gonna get their head kicked in tonight
Whoa!
Oh...
Yes! That was the best thing I've ever seen.
Tear down the walls Smash up the place
Really have a ball...
And the whole dance hall will be a total mess...
Oh, fuck, dude.
Oh!
...And on a Wednesday evening, there's sure gonna be a fight
Be a fight!
I say somebody's gonna get their head kicked in tonight.
Are you okay? Are you okay? Are you okay?
Get over here!
Help him! Help him! Help him!
Medic!
No, no, no, no.
Don't move him. Don't move him!
Oh, shit.
That had bad news written all over it.
Are you okay? You all right?
That was like the worst thing
that could ever happen right there.
John can't drive for shit.
I don't know what happened.
I just remember we went in the air
and the next thing I know I'm... just fucked.
Look at that cart.
Dude, you were hauling so much ass.
We're here in Tokyo, and I feel like partying.
Hi. I'm Party Boy.
Oh, can I try this?
Here we go.
It's my party music.
You like it?
Kind of makes you wanna party, huh?
Kind of feel like partying right now.
Ready?
See, that's what the big ones do
but sometimes they don't wanna...
Ow!
Fuck!
Don't pull on it, man.
You can't pry his mouth open.
It's slowly getting weightless.
Is he over?
No, you're twisting him!
You're fuckin' twisting him!
Oh, fuck! He's-He's got my nipple, dude.
He's got my fuckin' nipple.
Wait, wait, wait, he's gonna help you.
I know. I know. Hang on, hang on, hang on.
Hang on. Don't move.
Oh! Ow...
You little bastard!
Oh, look at the teeth marks.
Man.
I'm Bunny the Lifeguard
and if any of these alligators try to ruin our swimming,
I'm gonna wrestle them down
and probably have my way with them.
If he falls and he lands near an alligator,
an alligator grabs ahold of him, Steve-O will relax,
let the alligator take him
and hopefully the alligator will release him.
Hi. I'm Steve-O, and this is...
Oh, shit.
There's no such thing as failure, Steve-O.
Take another step.
You got it.
Aah.
One thing I know is good tightrope-walking.
Oh, no.
Oh, yes.
You're cool. You're good.
Put the chicken on him!
Yeah!
Yeah!
Oh, shit.
There you go.
Yeah, there you go.
Food, food, food, food, food.
Go back the other way.
No, keep going, Steve-O.
Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
Yeah!
Come on, Steve-O, keep your head up!
Keep your head up, Steve-O!
Keep your head up! Keep your head up!
- You guys, you gotta do this! - Keep your head up!
Keep your butt up!
You got it! All right, all right!
Keep your butt...
Put it in your ass and let him take it.
Come on.
Oh!
Stick the bone up your ass.
And let him pull it out.
Get ready.
Stay there. Don't move. Don't move.
It'll be over before you know it.
Don't look! Don't look!
Steve-O, don't look.
Don't look! Don't look!
Don't move! Don't move!
Hold still! Hold still!
He's going to the tail of it.
Don't look. - Don't look! - Don't move! Don't move!
I ran straight into a crocodile.
What the hell.
Oh, my God.
Why can't you walk on a tightrope?
I don't know.
I thought you'd do it.
Yeah.
I just... I don't know, man.
I'm sure I could learn
but today... you know... today was my first try.
I'm Bam Margera, and my parents are dead asleep.
It's : right now
and Phil has to be at work at : in the morning.
So he's trying to get a good night's sleep
and I'm gonna go wake his ass up.
I'm dying!
Holy shit!
Oh, my God, I'm opening the windows.
Gettin' crazy over here.
Look at Phil's tummy.
Oh! Oh, my God!
Phil, you gotta be up for : in the morning tonight.
: I gotta be at work.
Yo, here he comes.
Here he comes. Here he comes.
Jesus Christ, Bam!
I almost broke my leg getting out of there!
There's shit all over the goddamn...
How am I going to work now?
Go!
I... oh! Jesus!
That woman in the corner cold playin' the role
Leave her ass in the corner till her feet gets cold
Knowin' for a fact that girl is wack
If you hold your hand out, she'll turn her back
Better walk, don't talk, she's all pretend
Can't be her friend unless you spend
Aah!
Wall to wall after all, get ready to throw
All your money at the bitch
'Cause she thinks she's so... phisticated
So... phisticated
So... phisticated
So... phisticated.
What are you doing?
You know, I oughta arrest you right now
with all that in your clothes.
What's wrong with you?
What are you talking about?
Get this out of your pocket, man!
That's all me!
- All of this! - All of that! That's all me!
What is this bullshit?
- What is the meaning of this? - Those are my bananas.
Don't never come in here no more, man!
What are you...?
Get out!
And take the other stuff out of your pockets.
Geez!
Get it all out!
That's how you treat an old man?
Get out! Go!
An old man that steals, I can't believe it.
Hey, man, what kind of games you play? Get out!
Get out, man!
Goddamn it!
What is wrong with you?
Get out!
Man, quit playing!
I was Lon Chaney's lover!
Go back and love him!
So, we're gonna go to this hardware store...
they sell toilets...
and, uh, I'm gonna take a shit right in one of the toilets.
I'm gonna shit my pants
before we get to that fuckin' place.
Dave, fight it, man.
And I don't even want to make a joke about it right now
because I just want to hold it in.
Gotta poo?
Pretty much.
Really? Yeah.
Really, man, don't.
Do you want to ruin everything?
I swear to God, it's...
Really? That bad?
Yeah, like it's a problem.
Is this the worst you ever had to go boom-boom?
No, no.
I shit my pants at the fair.
Oh, dude, he's shitting right now.
Get outta the car!
Oh, get out, dude, get out!
No shit, get outta here!
Come on, man, get outta the fuckin' car.
Get outta the fuckin' car!
What do I do?
Did you shit?
Holy shit!
I'm taking a cab back to the hotel.
He just shat everywhere.
What's wrong, man?
I had to sit there
while he shat.
I need to go home right now.
It's on my hand.
Is that a bolt?
We have very...
What the hell
you doing?
What's that? What are you doing?
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm almost done.
I hope you didn't take a shit
in that son of a bitch.
You take a shit in there
you get to clean it out, pal.
That is disgusting, man.
What a fuckin' "Froot Loop."
Want to playback?
Ow!
What the fuck? What the...?
Got him, dude.
Turn around. Let's see it.
That was so much...
Oh... no!
- Yeah. - Look at me.
That's a good one.
We're ready.
I'm Ehren McGhehey, and this is the mousetrap.
You'll be the cat, I'll be the mouse
You'll be the cat, and I'll be the mouse
You'll be the cat and I'll be the mouse...
Go, go, go, go!
...You'll be the cat, yeah, I'll be the mouse
You'll be the cat and I'll be the mouse
You'll be the cat, baby, I'll be the mouse
Oh!
Oh...
Ow. All right! All right! All right!
...You'll be the cat... - Ow!
Aah! Come on!
Come on.
Okay, that's enough.
That's enough! That's enough!
I call it! Hey! Time!
This isn't gonna work.
It might.
Wh-What's gonna happen here?
I don't know
but it's not quite what's going to be intended.
Raab's putting a fucking tampon on.
That's like a Courtney Love-sized maxipad.
Dudes, this is, like, worse than a hanging.
I'm Raab Himself and I'm a complete fucking idiot.
Oh, that's funny.
It didn't work.
Nope.
We gotta get another one, man.
Let's do it again.
Hey, I'm Raab Himself, and this is Bungee Wedgie.
Is that your shitty ass, dude?
Look at the bloody, shitty underpants.
Didn't give me a wedgie.
I went forward.
I can't believe it.
All right, we're here in the Valley today
to do our own little riot control test.
This is George Hruska.
All right, George, uh, what do you do
All right, George, uh, what do you do
and what are we doing here today?
Well, I'm vice president of operations
with ALS Technologies.
We manufacture less-lethal ammunition.
We're one of the top manufacturing companies
in the United States
and we're going to shoot you with one of our projectiles.
It's called the pen-prevent.
It's a -gram, tail-stabilized bag.
It'll be traveling about feet per second.
Is that lethal?
It's considered less lethal.
So, this morning I thought I was taking it in the chest
with the beanbag projectile,
but George and his company said no way
'cause if it hits me in the heart,
I'm pretty much done with, so, uh...
We want to take every single precaution...
Right.
...necessary to help protect your vital organs.
Where are my intestines?
Are they in that area?
I think so.
Awesome.
Ugh.
So you're gonna take some practice shots?
Right.
Jesus Christ.
Yeah.
You know, this is nothing to be messing around with.
This is nothing for anybody
to just be thrown into a. -gauge shotgun
and-and, uh, you know, think they could take it.
You know, that's one of the reasons I'm doing this
is because I can do this in a controlled state.
Safety's off.
Going hot.
That really hurt.
That looked like it hurt.
Oh, fuck, dude.
Did you see the way
I caught that beanbag with my stomach?
That's instinct.
You can't teach that.
Oh!
It hurts so much.
Like going from a prone position to standing is... ooh!
Ouch.
Hi. I'm Wee Man, and this is a big cone.
Oh, my God, my brakes!
I can't...
My brakes!
My brakes! My brakes!
Stop me! Stop me!
Stop me!
Oh!
- You all right? - That was so fast!
- You all right? - Yeah.
You have... Your brakes go out?
Yeah. The whole thing doesn't work.
Really?
Will you push me to the top?
I wanna do it again.
I could sure go for a Miller High Life.
Oh, you're in so much trouble.
Kick her ass!
I'm about to get the shit kicked out of me by a girl.
Dude, I told you to keep up the left!
Oh...
I'm not gonna agree!
...seven... eight... nine...
ten.
That's the winner. That's it.
And the winner.
And still champion.
Now pronounce her name.
Look at his bloody mouthpiece.
Oh, God, my jaw is, like, two inches to the left.
I seriously felt all right for a little bit
until she punched me in the nose.
I knew she was fighting dirty.
One, two, three, four.
Oh, Jesus!
Go grab the dead kitty.
Dude, I've fuckin' been in there before, dude. It sucks.
When the days are short and the nights are long
And I walk and they walk
I twist and they twist
And I shimmy and they shimmy
And I fly and they fly
Well, we're out there having fun
In the warm California sun
Where they're out there havin' fun
In the warm California sun
Where they're out there havin' fun
In the warm California sun.
Yeah!
Whoo!
Oh, God!
I've got your picture
Of me and you
You wrote I love you
I love you too
I sit there staring when there's nothing else to do
Oh, it's in color
Your hair is brown
Your eyes are hazel
And soft as clouds
I often kiss you when there's no one else around
I've got your picture, I've got your picture
I'd like a million of you over myself
I want a doctor to take your picture
So I can look at you from inside as well
You got me turning up and turning down
I'm turning in, I'm turning round
I'm turning Japanese, I think I'm turning Japanese
I really think so
I'm turning Japanese, I think I'm turning Japanese
I really think so
I've got your picture, I've got your picture
I'd like a million of 'em over myself
I want a doctor to take your picture
So I can look at you from inside as well
I'm turning up, I'm turning down
I'm turning in, I'm turning round
I'm turning Japanese, I think I'm turning Japanese
I really think so
I'm turning Japanese, I think I'm turning Japanese
I really think so
I'm turning Japanese, I think I'm turning Japanese
I really think so
I'm turning Japanese, I think I'm turning Japanese
I really think so...
Since we no longer have to bleep cuss words,
I promise I will get my mom to say, "Fuck"
by the end of this movie.
Hello. I'm Johnny Knoxville
and we're about to test my rocket skates.
Go!
All right, this is rocket skates, take two.
This one's gonna be a little more powerful
than the last one, so...
Why, these are different bottle rockets?
No, there's just more of them.
Ow.
Oh, fuck!
What's wrong?
I fell and busted my ass, that's what's fuckin' wrong.
That's it.
No more rocket skates.
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh
Oh...
- That's the way - Uh-huh
Uh-huh, I like it
- Uh-huh - Uh-huh
- That's the way - Uh-huh
Uh-huh, I like it
- Uh-huh - Uh-huh
That's the way...
God, this party sucks!
Hey, my man... wasabi, lots.
Wasabi.
Yeah!
So today, I'm gonna treat myself to some...
Blech!
Little circles.
God, chopsticks are so stupid.
That looks like a pretty good line, huh?
Whoa!
More.
Do another one.
Do another snooter.
I need a pick-me-up.
Oh...
Look out!
God, get back here!
I said, "Get back here!"
Get... Hey!
My transistor radio comes from far away
And when it's night over here
Over there, it's a-breaking day
I remember all the good times I had a-walking in the sand
With a beautiful girl that I met made in Japan.
This is bullshit!
Ow!
Uh-oh.
Phil?
Phil?!
Phil?!
Hey, Phil!
Oh, my God.
Is this thing real?!
What thing?
This alligator?!
What?
Look, look, look!
Look around the corner!
What is that?
Where have you been?!
Don't you even look? Oh!
Oh, my God!
It's moving!
Look, Phil!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
I don't know what to do now.
Aren't you scared to death?!
Ooh, it's so gross that it's even on the floor.
I'm going out! I'm leaving!
Where's my keys?
That is the scariest fucking thing
I ever saw in my whole life!
- I'm leaving. - Don't leave.
Where the hell you going?
I'm leaving. I swear to God!
Phil, seriously, please.
How are we going to get this thing out of here!
I'm scared to death!
Oh, God!
Aw, man.
No! No!
No, I'm not going near it!
No, no! God, where is it?
Oh, great! You don't have it, do you?
He's not there?
Seriously, is that real?!
I'm serious. Is it real?
Is it real?
- Is it real? - Yes.
How dare you bring that in this house!
Dude, dude.
Ow! Wait a minute!
Stop! Chill, dude.
Look at that. He kicked your ass, dude.
I didn't even get you.
You got beat up by Wee Man.
Dude.
Let me see.
He didn't even get you.
Where? I didn't even...
He didn't even get you.
Oh!
Let me see the back of your head.
It'll be all right.
I'm here with Eric Koston and Clyde Singleton
and today I'm gonna / this rail,
and... or try to.
So, this thing's long.
Yeah, thanks.
Thanks for reminding me.
You got it.
I got it.
I got this.
Do you know, is he gonna go?
- Yeah. - Is he gonna go?
He's gonna go somewhere.
He's goin'.
Yeah, he's goin', yeah.
My impression of Johnny Knoxville.
Something like this.
Ow, my face!
I'm Johnny Knoxville
and I'm gonna grind this rail.
Ready, set, go!
Yeah! Yeah!
Yeah!
He made it all the way down.
I can't believe he got that far.
I can't believe he got that far.
You made it to the fucking bottom!
I can't, I can't...
This is the paper cuts.
I'm getting paper cuts
between the webbings of my fingers
and the webbings of my toes.
Hold it still. There's no good way to do it.
Yeah, I know. So just deal with it.
Take a... take a breath.
Ow! Ow!
Oh, you can feel when it goes in.
Oh, this one works good.
Gimme the next one.
Do it. Do it.
Ow!
Oh, yeah, opened up with a good one.
Did you hear that?
- Oh, that was my flesh! - Oh, dude.
If I do your hand, you'll forget
about the pain in your foot.
That is a good point.
Take a deep breath.
Aah!
Lance is trying...
Are you gonna puke?
- Watch Lance pass out. - Lance is gonna puke!
From what, the pepperoni or the paper cuts?
Both?
The pepperoni?
Is he okay? I don't know.
Wait, is he all right?
- Medic! - Hey, don't knock over the beer.
Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm good.
Steve-O, if you want to do some more, do it.
I'm done.
Is everybody ready?
Yeah.
Okay.
That looks funny.
Now that sucked!
God, am I glad I came down
to see what was going on in this room.
Mm-hmm.
Wait a minute.
I know what my fortune is.
It's partying.
This is...
Oh!
I like big butts and I cannot lie
I like big butts and I cannot lie
You other brothers can't deny
That when a girl walks in with an itty-bitty waist
And a round thing in your face you get sprung
Oh!
I wanna pull up front, cuz I notice that butt was stuffed
Deep in the jeans she's wearin'
I'm hooked and I can't stop starin', oh, baby
I wanna get wit ya and take your picture
My homeboys tried to warn me
- But that butt you got makes - Me so horny
Ooh, rump of smooth skin
You say you wanna get in my Benz
Well, use me, use me
'Cuz you ain't that average groupie
I want 'em real thick and juicy
So find that juicy double
Mix-a-Iot's in trouble, beggin' for a piece of that bubble
So I'm lookin' at rock videos
Knock-kneed bimbos walkin' like ho's
You can have them bimbos
I'll keep my women like Flo Jo
So your girlfriend rolls a Honda
Playin' workout tapes by Fonda
But Fonda ain't got a motor in the back of her Honda
My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns, hun
You can do side bends or sit-ups
But please don't lose that butt
Some brothers wanna play that hard role
And tell you that the butt ain't gold
So they toss it and leave it
And I pull up quick to retrieve it
So, ladies, if the butt is round
And you want a triple-x throw down
Dial - -MIX-A-LOT, and kick them nasty thoughts
Baby got back
Baby got back.
Oh, honey, it's been a while.
It's a little too much.
No.
Irving, you think you can do it?
You want a spot?
No, I got it. I got it.
You got it? Yeah, yeah.
If you need a spot, just give me a call.
Okay.
What's the quickest you ever knocked anyone out?
I hold the California state record.
It's like seconds, including the-the -count.
I took it to the jaw, I took it to the jaw
One, two, three, there was never a doubt
We want fun, and you might as well face it
We want fun, yeah, you better believe it
We want fun, no, you don't understand
Fun, fun, fun, fun, make your demands
We want fun and we can taste it
Yes, everybody get wasted!
I think you're gonna break that today.
I'm Johnny Knoxville.
And I'm Butterbean.
Today, we're gonna do a little boxing.
All right, you guys,
touch gloves and come out fighting.
Get up!
Aw, man.
One more time.
This is the last time you're kicking my ass.
One more time.
More pain. That's it.
You haven't even hit me.
Hit me once, at least.
There you go.
He's out.
Is Butterbean okay?
Look at this.
And by knockout in the first round...
new champion, Butterbean!
Whoo! Yeah!
Where we going, Knoxville?
The hospital.
What the hell are we doing that for?
I don't know.
Apparently, I have a big gash in my head
and I think I'm a little concussed.
Are you giving me a shot?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Are you okay?
Mm-hmm.
- We got one more to go, buddy. - Yes, sir.
Then you're a free man.
Thank you.
You're gonna be not feeling great
the next hours.
- Thank you, Dr. Cooper. - Okay.
You'll probably see me in two or three days.
Hey! Hey!
Goddamn it!
What are you doing?
Hey! Get off, man!
- What's going on here? - Get off!
Get off!
We're in Okinawa
and we're about to go swim with some whale sharks
but first...
we need to go rub one out.
Well, I made the mistake of showing them
what sea cucumbers do when they're threatened
and that is, you know,
as soon as something touches them,
these white threads come
out of the end of it
and, uh, Steve-O and Chris thought it was a great idea.
So, they're out there trying to, uh...
Masturbate?
...masturbate, yeah.
So, anyway, I-I apologize.
This is the...
With a simple shave of the razor
Steve-O easily disguises himself...
to fool the whale sharks into thinking
he's a harmless young boy.
I am pretty nervous about my wiener
around that whale shark; I really am.
Now, the best way to think of the whale sharks
they're like big puppy dogs. Uh...
Sometimes puppies bite.
Puppies, they have little teeth.
They have little teeth. Little teeth.
You're gonna get a gummer.
All right.
So, it's kinda like being with a gal with no teeth.
- Kind of, yes. - Yeah.
So right below in these waters, -foot whale sharks
are waiting to eat these freakin' shrimp
out of our crotches.
Okay.
Oh!
Oh, they kind of... they pinch.
Are these alive?
Aah!
They don't feel good on the way...
You're part of this.
Look at this shrimp.
I guess I don't really have any last words.
I'm just gonna kill myself once I lose my wiener.
Come on, baby, let's do the twist
Come on, baby
Let's do the twist
You look fine, yeah
When you go like this
Tell me, baby
Have you seen my sis?
Tell me, baby
Have you seen my sis?
She knows how to rock
And do the cha-cha twist
Aha
Hey, cha-cha-cha
Whoa, baby, cha-cha-cha.
My penis is really small now.
I can't really look cool right now.
Hi. I'm Johnny Knoxville.
This is the tidal wave. Go.
How'd it look?
It looked good.
You just got... creamed.
Ooh!
Ooh!
I don't even, like, pick a tattoo, like...
unless I'm pretty sure
that people are gonna laugh every time they see it.
Oh, my God, dude.
Like, how do you perform
the fuckin' world's dumbest tattoo?
Fuck, man, at least I don't have to look at it, right?
My name is Henry Rollins and this is...
Yeah!
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
This is really gonna fuck you up!
Prissy motherfucker!
It's a total smiley face, dude.
Oh! Oh!
I just fully got a haircut just, like, a week ago.
You're about to get many more.
Oh!
Oh!
Yeah, me, too.
I am not doing it.
Look at Ehren.
Oh!
Oh, shit!
So, we're finding it a little bit chilly in Japan.
We're gonna warm ourselves up with some fireworks.
Uh-huh.
Let's go, dude.
Roll back there, just a bit.
Oh, no! This is a bad angle.
Switch.
Oh, no, no, no.
Uh...
Oh.
Uh...
Ow!
Like, an ember fell right in my corn hole, dude.
All right, Johnny's double-knotting it.
Double knot it, but gently.
You may think this next stunt is impossible.
You gotta squat a little, Pontius.
Oh!
Ew!
Every time!
Ew!
Is Chris's dick shorter or...
Yeah, it's a little shorter.
Ow!
Keep it in! Hold it!
Stick...
It almost hit Loomis in the face.
Goddamn, this is the...
Let's get fucked up...
Fuck!
...Let's get fucked up...
Mother!
...Let's get fucked up... What a dumb-ass idea.
...Let's get fucked up...
I'm surrounded by cacti.
For fuck's sake.
Cactus!
It's cacti!
It's cactus.
Whatever it is, it hurts.
You wanna get up and cross?
This is the yellow snow cone.
Pack it in there nice and tight.
Little cold out here.
It might take a second.
Oh! There we go.
I'm not even worried about the pee.
I'm just worried about...
Come on, you're missing the cone, dude!
I'm sorry.
You're missing the cone!
You better eat that whole thing, too.
You gotta go eat that spot, too.
Aw!
Enjoy the snow cone.
Aw, you just wasted a whole bunch!
Dude, get that whole mouthful right there.
Keep going!
Keep going!
- Eat it! - Come on, it's your pee.
Oh, come on.
I'm trying. It's so cold.
Swallow it! Swallow it!
Oh, God.
Eat it!
Swallow it!
- No, no, don't... - Oh, no, no. Oh, no puking.
I'm doing it!
Don't look at it.
Dude, it's dripping out the bottom.
Will you catch that, what's dripping out the bottom?
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Oh, that was bad.
That sucked!
Kick yourself in the head, Wee Man.
This is totally better.
What are you doing?
Are you starting
to lose your mind on that shit?
Bam, stop it!
Now, you're getting crazy on this shit.
"Ape!"
He's starting to lose it!
Jesus Christ!
Ape, I need toilet paper!
Ape, I need toilet paper!
Okay, this is called the...
When people tee off
when they're coming down with their swing,
we're gonna blow these air horns.
Here she goes again.
No. It's another one?
She still hit it pretty good.
What'd I tell you? What'd I tell you?
That I'd come over here and kick your ass.
Here, you lost your club. Sorry.
Didn't I tell you I was going to come over here
and kick your ass for that?
But... I'm sorry. I got bursitis.
- You got bursitis? - Yeah.
So, that means you gotta play with a horn?
It helps.
I'll give you something to play with, pal.
Sorry. It won't happen again.
- Oh, fuck! - He's teeing off!
Get down! Get down!
Oh, shit!
Get back. Get down, get down.
Watch this! Wait. Wait.
Oh, these things are scary.
I'm Bam Margera.
I'm Johnny Knoxville.
And we're gonna be burglars today.
Oh, God!
Fuck! Get the diamonds!
Dude, I told you not to fall off the damn beam.
Turn around!
Fuck!
Aw, holy fuck!
Idiot!
Go!
Oh, fuck!
You all right?
You okay?
I'm good. I'm good.
What'd you think happened right there?
It's embarrassing.
I was barely halfway through the ceiling
and you were already out the door.
You're a real sprinter.
Guys in masks, I'm out.
I don't play. I don't play.
Is there any actual, like, real reason...
why anyone would shove something up their ass like this?
No.
I'm claiming predictions for this event.
Where's Ryan?
Are you going to make them?
Number one, it's not getting in there.
Number two, even if it does, it's not staying in there.
Definitely no sitting down happening.
Number three, there's no way
they're gonna believe that this is true.
So, you're saying it's...
I'm saying there's nothing I want more
than for this to happen, but...
You don't want it to happen that much.
No, I really do.
This is our original talent for this piece, by the way.
Yep. I think that...
It's one of the first things I think
I've ever seen you duck out on.
Oh, man, I am so glad I turned this idea down.
I'm so glad.
Oh, yeah.
I'll probably use all of this before the end of the segment.
Uh... what else we got?
A condom.
Thank you.
And, um, a little toy car.
Blue, it's my favorite color.
Let me see that. Dangle it.
Look at the reservoir tip.
Now I'm lubing up...
I can't see the car.
...the little toy car,
because I'm going to put it in my butt.
Be comfortable.
Hey, Ed's here for rescuing, dude.
You're here for making it a problem.
All right, you're gonna watch this?
You're making me uncomfortable.
Sorry.
I gotta get another job.
Lube up your corn hole.
I am. I'm spackling.
Spackling.
Heart rate's going up for sure!
Oh, dude, it hurts.
Your adrenaline's flowing, isn't it?
There's no getting around it, it fucking hurts like hell.
Come on in, Manny.
You're just in time, Manny.
Oh, Manny... tell me I'm a man.
Man, it feels so goddamn gross.
This is insane, man.
This is... this is totally insane.
- It's in. - It's in, dude.
- It's in? - Yeah.
- Let's see. - Oh, fuck!
I feel like I have to shit my ass.
Is there anything intact?
You said that you didn't want to do it
because your dad would disown you?
Well, I mean, it wasn't that.
You drank wine off of a dude's ass crack.
My dad never saw that.
I never told him that... you know.
I was gonna do this and I was like, "Dad"...
I was, like, "Dad, we're going hard these days
and there's some ideas floating around."
I just mentioned the car in the butt.
My dad, like... the only time in my life
I ever heard my dad, like...
You know, it's like when your parents say,
"I'm not mad at you; I'm just disappointed," you know
like, that hurts so much more, you know?
Fucking rad.
Look at him walk.
John's gonna win, dude.
I'm not too excited about this skit.
It's not my favorite I've ever done,
because there's a toy car in my butt
but this is the...
I think I need an X ray.
Antoine?
Yes?
How you doing?
Pretty good.
I'm Ryan, and this is...
What can I do for you?
I was partying last night with some frat guys.
I passed out.
I must have fallen down or broken something,
because I haven't been able to walk right since.
We're gonna take X ray now, to be sure.
Okay.
- Take one of those. - Oh, okay.
This is comfy.
Hold your breath. Don't move.
What's that?
I have no idea.
That's not part of you.
That's something extra.
I would've known if I ate that.
No. You wouldn't be able to swallow that.
That is a car toy.
Well, how did a car toy get there?
Maybe you stuck it up your ass.
I didn't stick anything up my ass.
Have you ever seen anything like that?
No, I never seen that in there.
I've seen a toy car all over
but never in somebody's rectum.
You can't get it out? You don't have...
No, I... I'm a physician,
but I practice this, X ray only.
You think maybe I can just, you know, poop it out?
You won't be able to poop it out.
In fact, it will hurt you.
I fact, I don't think it's even good for you
that you poop it out.
What will happen if you take Ex-Lax?
Will that help?
No, if he takes Ex-lax,
well, he gets a lot of diarrhea but no car.
I appreciate it.
Thank you for taking care of me.
Okay. Thanks again.
Oh! He's alive.
Oh, Johnny Knoxville, he made it!
Oh, there is a God.
Oh, please.
And at last!
I thought it would never...
This is the end!
Oh, thank you, Jesus!
Oh...
Oh, child!
Oh, child!
- Let's see it! Let's see it! - Not that bad.
Moments like this never last
When do creatures rape your face
Hybrids opened up the door...
Ooh, baby, when you cry
Your face is momentary
You hide your looks behind these scars
In hybrid moments
Give me a moment...
Oh, fuck!
...Give me a moment
- Oh, fuck! - Give me a moment
Ooh, baby, when you cry
Your face is momentary
You hide your looks behind these scars
- In hybrid moments - Bam? Whoa!
- In hybrid moments - Ha!
Aah!
Go!
Ow!
In hybrid moments, in hybrid moments...
Give me a moment
Give me a moment...
Whose dick do I gotta suck
to get some explosions around here?
I can't expect you to see me when I'm not around
And my voice is destroyed by confinement of sound
I'm a human machine laced with hidden disease
If the future looks bleak, then you're connected to me
Flesh into gear
My self appears dissected and pretentious
A simple sound, a heavy sigh
Could win the whole world over
You live in fear of being someone you didn't want to
He's got a boner.
I realize your insecurities will get the best of you.
Oh! Oh, fuck!
It's a man.
Whoa!
Ow!
Whoa! Ow! Ow!
Gator wrestling.
For fuck's sake, come here!
Hurry up. Hurry up.
Hurry!
We wanted to see if you would run here
with a car up your ass.
Oh, I ain't runnin' anywhere.
It's scary enough to walk.
You're nice.
You're a good man.
Want to come over for dinner?
Oh, that's okay.
You know how to operate it now?
Yeah, I think so. I think so.
If you're gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough...
- I need help. - Yep.
...When you get knocked down, you gotta get back up
I ain't the sharpest knife in the drawer
But I know enough to know
If you're gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough...
The smiley face is a complete crucial.
...I lit my brain with rotgut whiskey...
What did I say?
Fuck.
I didn't say the "F" word.
Yeah, you did. You said, "Fuck."
- I did? - Don't worry, we'll bleep it.
Can we cut that out?
...And I had dudes with badges frisk me...
It looks fine. It looks normal.
...To teach me how to swallow pride
I took advice no fool would take...
I think it says, "Fuck," on my forehead.
...I got some habits I can't shake...
They don't have a tail?
No! They must have taken them out.
...I ain't the sharpest knife in the drawer
But I know enough to know
If you're gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough...
Show him the X ray.
...lf you're gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough
When you get knocked down, you gotta get back up...
I mean, trust me, dude, I'm not unimpressed.
...That's the way it is in life and love
If you're gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough
If you're gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough.
Aw, fuck!
The next time, we can do...
Son of Jackass.
Son...
D-ohh!
Yeah, dude.