Voila! Finally, the JCVD script is here for all you fans of the Jean-Claude Van Damme movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. At least you'll have some JCVD quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?
And swing on back to Drew's
Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.
JCVD Script
It didn't work.
It didn't work.
In the middle there...
It's on amidst...
The window didn't
explode right...
and it is very difficult for me
to do everything in one shot.
You know, I'm 47 years old...
Just because he brought
John Woo to Hollywood
doesn't mean he can rub my dick
with sandpaper.
He still thinks
we're making Citizen Kane?
Not using a gun symbolizes
the whole purity of the character.
The purity...
This isn't about adults...
We're talking about a child,
an environment...
My client...
is aware...
of the responsibility
of raising a child.
She leads a quiet,
peaceful life.
On the other hand,
we have an actor here
who's obviously disgruntled.
Whose known past problems
I just mentioned
are less than ambiguous.
And whose entire
career experience
is with films
whose values
no responsible
aware parent
would ever want to
expose their children to,
including myself, Your Honor.
Violence...
that's all on film,
Your Honor.
The legitimacy
of violence...
How this actor
play death?
Let me count
the ways.
Mangled under the wheels
a truck...
Strangulation...
Fracturing the skull...
Taking out
"the timber log"...
They were low budgets. Every one
of my movies were having heart!
Laceration...
Crushed under
the wheels of a car...
Death by strangulation...
Crushed ribs...
I make money with this!
I feed them!
- Please be seated, Mr.
- It's not about money!
- Allez, one more! Again.
- Gauging out the eye...
Kicks to the groin...
Can I go to the
restroom, please?
Crushed under the
wheels of a truck...
Gauging out the eyes...
Crushing the skull...
Shit.
- Take off! Immediately! Take off!
- Allright!
See the Arab in the film?
See that beard? Ever seen one
like that on a plane or a bus?
You think I look like him?
The movie's from 1986...
Haven't you ever had an idea just
to realize you've seen it before?
Chuck Norris giving Ben Laden
the idea of 9-11, that's bull!
But Chuck Norris
works for the CIA.
Yesterday it was Schwarzy...
Seen how the Arabs in "True Lies"
get all excited like hyenas?
Action films need bad guys.
Exactly! In the 70's,
it was the Viets, now the Arabs.
Stallone in "Rambo 3",
Hauer in "Wanted: Dead or Alive",
Bruce Willis in "The Siege",
Steven Seagal in
"Executive Decision"?
And what's his name,
Mark Wahlberg who fights in Irak?
- Van Damme!
- He never hit Arabs!
Dummy, Van Damme's outside!
Hey, Mr Van Damme! Wait!
I'm a great fan of yours!
- How are you?
- Fine and you?
- What's this? Lost in Schaerbeek?
- Going to the post office.
A quick snap for the store?
Thanks, sir!
Look, it's Van Damme!
Hello!
Don't hello him.
Just take the picture.
Yeah!
Your turn, now.
Jean-Claude Van Damme!
Good?
Wait, my grandma
adores you too...
In five minutes!
Thanks, sir. Wow!
It was Jean-Claude Van Damme!
He's cool! I pictured him taller,
but he's short.
He's cool! Classy and all!
He's all tanned.
He'll be right back.
- He cured cancer or what?
- Why? Did you?
- No, but nobody kisses my ass.
- He's a star!
He left this shithole,
for Hollywood.
He fought to be
where he is now.
You've never left town!
Whether you're a star or a dog,
I don't care!
Then why are you waiting for him?
You can't park here!
He's just a regular guy.
Back off, watch my car!
Calm down, ma'am!
Move back!
I don't wanna see you around here.
- Help me, sir.
- You can't park here.
- Only 10 minutes!
- She's waiting for her idol.
- Who's the idol?
- Jean-Claude Van Damme.
- Who?
- Jean-Claude Van Damme!
Get outta here!
"Aware!"
Look, we have pictures.
- How is he?
- He's nice.
He's just a regular guy, sir.
I don't think so.
The guy's a star.
He left this shithole
for Hollywood...
He fought to get
where he is now.
You've never even left town!
So what?
Bunch of ass-kissers...
What'd you say?
I was talking to them.
Help me!
I was talking to
them, I swear!
You have a flat here.
Registration!
- Oh, come on!
- Registration!
- Don't ruin my day, please!
- Registration!
- I always get the crap, thanks!
- Anytime!
You owe me big time!
Shut up!
For once, it's not my fault!
Please, ma'am. Shut up!
Stop now.
Don't stay here!
Get lost!
You heard me!
Shit...
Open! What's going
on in there?
What's going on!
On the ground!
Central to Unit 27.
Jean-Claude Van Damme's robbing
a post office. I need back-up.
Possible hostage situation.
I repeat
possible hostage situation.
1. The Answer
before the Question.
He's in court
for his daughter's custody.
and he can't approach
his ex-wife...
He picked up!
He picked up!
Please, move, convince...
Perfect.
Mr Van Damme?
This is Commissioner Bruges.
How are things inside?
It could be better.
OK, let me ask you first,
is anyone injured?
Hello?
Jean-Claude?
No, no.
A man's unconscious
and bleeding.
Jean-Claude,
may I call you Jean-Claude?
I'm Commissioner Christian Bruges.
Call me Christian.
You have to release
the wounded man.
It's not in your interest, nor mine,
to have blood on our hands.
Will you release him?
No, no one leaves.
It's impossible.
What if I came with
a doctor? Hello?
Jean-Claude?
What if I came with a doctor?
Fine, but unarmed.
I give you my word.
Commissioner Bruges?
Call me a doc please!
- Lieutenant Perthier, SWAT team.
- I just spoke with Van Damme.
So, I'm going inside and then,
we'll debrief, if necessary.
- I'd like to deploy my men.
- No, it's too soon.
Could I borrow a vest?
I'll give it back.
Jackie.
A doctor, please.
I asked for a doc!
Get me a doc!
Eric went to med school.
- OK, let's go.
- Boss!
Hello? Jean-Claude?
No!
You have my word that...
Jean-Claude,
we're here to find...
What?
We see the chief of police
exiting the video store,
crisis unit HQ,
and going towards the post office
in his boxer shorts.
Is Van Damme
trying to mock the police?
In any case,
it seems to be working
as the public
is rooting for him
in spite of today's events.
The shorts! The shorts!
Don't shoot, I'm a hostage!
Drop the kit.
Slide it over.
Check the kit.
Go to the back room.
Hurry! He's bleeding!
No tricks, Jean-Claude.
Van Damme's fame
has driven them here.
They're clearly fans,
here to support him,
and the slightest move
gets the crowd on fire,
yelling out his name.
We 've heard a few snide remarks,
like the one about the Commissioner
who went out in his shorts.
But the situation is dramatic.
Sir, don't move.
What am I doing here?
What's going on?
Calm down, sir.
- Don't move.
- It hurts.
What the fuck...
No, Jean-Claude!
Don't move!
Get outta here!
Calm down, Jean-Claude!
Get outta here!
The curtain!
Help them!
Right on!
Gimme five! Awesome!
How did you do that?
Seriously! What a pro!
What's this?
See what he did?
This isn't a movie!
What do I care?
Take him with the others!
Fast!
Listen, smart-ass,
you better think of something
or I'll shoot...
How do you do it Jean-Claude?
You got him in the balls
with your foot and your hand!
You're too fast for
me, I swear.
Sit down, you deserve it.
Hey!
Can't you see he
saved his life!
He saved all of us!
Jean-Claude!
He's still out cold.
What a fag.
Find a way to get
us outta here
or I'll shoot 1 per hour,
starting with our hero.
They're clueless.
We can ask anything...
like a ransom
with him as hostage.
Let's ask for a million!
A million?
Where did you see a million?
Have you even seen a million?
Where are you?
In a post office!
He's a star!
I mean, it's Van Damme!
They expect more than a mill.
We leave
with him and the cash.
So the hostages can go to the cops
once we're out!
Talkin' about a brain...
You almost got me killed!
- You realize?
- Listen...
I'd be dead!
You're not the FBI!
- I'm still the boss.
- Go to Hollywood for drama!
I work, here!
Fuck your action men in black!
They're no better than us.
Let's just shoot him.
That's not our job!
We're here to save lives!
- So maybe that's what it takes.
- This isn't a war!
You're telling me
how to do my job?
Can't you just shut up?
The gendarmes are gonna show up.
Get lost!
Yeah, get outta here.
What are you laughing at?
And the kid?
The kid...
we take him with us.
Know anyone that would want to have
a dead kid on their conscience?
Yes.
Boss!
- The blood...
- Yes, Jean-Claude?
It's because of your crap.
No, I have nothing to do with this.
The SWAT team decided alone...
I swear, I wouldn't have...
- I have a list of demands.
- Yes.
You have to do something
about the kid first.
The kid,
you have to release him.
Negative.
- You have enough hostages!
- Cut the crap!
- You want the list or not?
- Yes, I'm listening.
You have enough hostages!
I want a million euros
in small bills.
Unmarked,
with different serial numbers.
I want a bus for the airport,
a jet with a full tank. Destination
to be confirmed once I'm on board.
Then, I'll release
the hostages.
You're asking a
lot, Jean-Claude.
Honestly, you realize that...
- It won't work.
- What?
I'm Jean-Claude Van Damme.
It makes no sense, it's all bullshit.
It should be less realistic.
Like what?
Wait, I have an idea.
I'll also need
465,000 dollars...
Yeah.
...to be delivered by noon.
To the firm Bernstein,
Katz and Phillis...
He hung up.
What's that? A code?
No, it makes more sense.
Who are those guys?
- My attorneys in LA.
- Don't mess with me.
Dumbass.
He's in court for the custody...
Shut up!
You leave them all alone!
- Change the tone.
- Shut up.
- Watch it, OK?
- Go back!
- I'm not your baby brother!
- Go!
Look, Carradine,
I'll go when I'm ready.
Go back, your idol's coming.
Ass-kisser, get lost!
I'm staying.
Now, I'm going.
OK, then go!
He's right. A movie star
asking for a million...
it's ridiculous.
But a star asking for money
to pay for his law fees
sounds desperate.
Not bad, not bad at all.
Go back with the others.
I said, beat it!
Look at those idiots!
So: 1 + 1 = 1.
It's still you.
- It's love.
- 2 in 1.
But for us:
1+1 = 2 and 2+2 = 4.
Then we're 'selfish',
we take money without sharing it.
But if 1+1 = 1...
Or maybe 1+1 = 11.
That's beautiful!
I just got back
from Belgium today,
I was at my mother's and...
What was the name he said,
in English?
- Bernstein.
- What?
Leon Bernstein.
We don't think horizontal,
we think vertical.
We stand straight in life.
We don't think in hours
and in seconds, it's 'neutral'.
The snake, Adam and Eve,
I don't buy it anymore.
A snake is nice.
An apple 's good, it contains pectin.
It's good for cholesterol.
Can an apple hurt a woman?
Some people failed,
because they're not 'aware'.
They don 't acknowledge
that they exist.
Poor things, they don 't know.
So, I'm 'aware', I'm awake.
What's "aware"?
You wake up
wondering what you're doing...
No, it's fine.
Dolphins use wave-lengths too,
they're smart in the sea.
We live in the earth.
They communicate,
since they don't blah-blah-blah...
Gloria, would you rather live
with your mommy
or with your daddy?
I don't wanna live with Dad.
Why, Gloria?
Every time my dad is on a TV Show,
my friends make fun of me.
- But you love your daddy?
- Yes.
But you rather stay
with your mom.
I want them to stop
making fun of me.
Thank you, Gloria.
You may be excused.
I think it's November
10th or 15th.
There's no special
requirements,
you don't have to
do any training,
You don't have to be in
any kind of good shape...
They'll put you in
shape on the shoot.
- The commission?
- Ahn?
- What's your commission?
- Normal.
No, no. The one I was...
10%...
but I'll take 8.
They'll kill my career,
those guys.
You get good money, they send me
to Bulgaria, the fucking factory.
They're making the movie for what?
A Million dollars?...
No, no!
You're exaggerating...
With the 30% sales fee...
You're exaggerating that.
This movie is huge in Asia!
I know,
6 million dollars!
Foreign, 30%: 1.
producing fee:
1.25 million... OK?
Why do you do this shit to yourself?
That's my job...
I get paid 4 million dollars,
how much is left for the picture?
Come on, man! That is my job.
Let me worry about that.
I would take less money
and put me in a fucking Studio!
If they get me for free,
one movie only, for free, "Van Damme".
It's worth at least
6 in Europe!
They pay me scale,
at least I would be in a big movie
and would give me the chance...
And you have those
contacts with the Studio!
What's going on here?
Wait a minute, you're not
seeing the big picture...
No, the big picture,
you're selling packages!
Yeah, but some there's
a director involved,
and there's a cinematographer
involved, what's the matter?
Jeff, how many years you've known me?
20 years?...
Once in your life,
put me in a Studio!
Are you bullshitting
me or what?
I mean, I've never done bad by you!
I've always done the right thing by you!
And that's no bullshit.
Look... You're an international
fucking movie star!
Name me another
international movie star.
You work all the time,
you're well protected...
I lost my daughter.
You're gonna get over that.
Remember Shakespeare:
"The time and the hours
through the longest day...
...everything passes "
You've gotta believe me
here, man, life goes on.
Especially in this town...
Stop it.
Stop it.
You want to
smoke a joint?
Jean-Claude, come on,
it was a joke!
Look, can't you take a joke?
Don't forget: you start
shooting on November 10th.
I love you, baby!
Keep that mojo working!
...the check
you made bounced.
- What do you mean?
- You know exactly what I mean.
It's impossible!
If I don't get the money by noon,
I have to drop the case.
Ok, don't drop
the case.
I promise you,
I'll get the money. Ok? Thank you.
- You've been told...
- Yes, at noon. Ok, fine.
Hey, I'm a great
fan of yours!
- How are you?
- Fine and you?
- What's this? Lost in Schaerbeek?
- Going to the post office.
A quick snap for the store?
Thanks, sir!
Look, it's Van Damme!
Don't hello him.
Take the picture first.
Thanks guys.
Wait, my grandma
adores you too!
I'll be back in five minutes!
Name's Van Damme.
How's it going?
Hello.
Can I come in? I have a...
No, no, you can't,
we're closed.
- Closed?
- Yes.
But it's not six yet?
Please, it's very important.
I'm expecting a transfer.
Yes, but we can't...
No, seriously!
A computer problem.
Seriously? This can't be.
No, it's important, I have to...
Tomorrow, we'll let you in.
No, I need to go in today.
Listen, it's very important.
I need this money
for my family here, you understand?
Let me speak to the boss.
- Quickly, then.
- It'll take a sec. Thanks.
Hello, ma'am, how are you?
I'm here for a transfer.
The name's Jean-Claude
Van Varenberg.
Not my stage name Van Damme.
I'm sorry,
but we're out of cash today.
I told you, Mr Van Damme!
No, you told me
it was a computer problem.
Is it a cash or a computer problem?
You pick...
Listen, please give
me my money.
I have no money, my credit cards
don't work. Nothing works.
We're out of cash.
It's impossible.
This is a bank!
It's only 11, noon?
I'm broke, I have no money
and my cards don't work!
C'mon, sir.
Wait, what's your name?
Arthur.
Listen, I haven't
slept in two days,
jet lag, the Los
Angeles court,
the planes, a toy store,
my Mom on the phone, the cab,
the tip...
Wait, I have an idea.
I have a solution.
Then, collect some money.
I'm a good client here.
I'm pretty loaded.
Why don't you ask people here
for $700 or even $650?
And tomorrow take it
out of my bank account.
But, I can't!
- You don't give a shit, uh?
- No, I just can't!
I want my fucking money!
I'm sick of this,
I want my money!
It's like this
since yesterday.
I have no cash on me.
Van Damme without cash! Gimme a loan.
Hey, I haven't slept,
I got on a plane...
I just got back from
a 'child custody' thing.
Look, I'm exhausted, guys.
Help me out here.
First the cab, then the toys...
Please, help me!
- OK, c'mon now.
- What? Where?
Camera?
Camera?
Is this candid camera?
Sorry, guys, sorry!
Listen, I've had a bad day,
I haven't slept in two days.
Cut this one,
it's a 'bad take'.
Put him with the others!
Are you nuts?
It's Jean-Claude Van Damme!
C'mon! Get up now!
I said, get up!
Faster!
Faster! Move faster!
Come and sit over here.
Shit, what did he do to you!
Breathe. Breathe, Jean-Claude.
Wow! How do you
develop your triceps?
I can't.
Watch out!
Get up! Get up!
The curtain!
- What?
- The curtain!
Don't move! Shut up!
Lower your arms!
You too, shut up!
Lower your arms!
Gimme a hand, here.
Gimme a hand! Come!
What's going on?
Don't stay here! Get lost!
Open up!
What's going on?
Open up!
Look down.
You too, look down.
What are you looking at?
Look over there!
Open up!
What are you doing?
- Are you crazy?
- He was coming in.
How are we gonna get out now?
He's gonna call back-up!
Maybe, but I'm not
turning myself in!
I'm not in Belgium to be jailbait!
Watch it!
Don't do that again!
I just wanted to see
how he was doing.
- Shit, I almost shot him!
- OK, sit down!
Robbing a bank in Belgium
can't be that hard!
Shit! What are we
gonna do now?
Leave now, while
you still can.
- He's right!
- Shut up!
Turn yourselves in.
In any case, we all saw
the gunshot was an accident.
If I want some stretching tips,
I'll call you.
Well done!
You can insult me all you want
or even hit a hostage,
but I'm not
turning myself in!
We gotta block the exits.
You keep an eye on them
and cut the crap!
You're saying that
a man broke in...
and then you say
he got in with a key!
We gotta be clear
on this one,
otherwise,
it'll be a false statement.
If you say he was drunk,
I won't know for sure
until the alcohol test has been done.
It's as simple as that.
Boss, guess who's robbing
the post office!
Who?
I liked how you pressured
the hostages earlier.
It wasn't for them.
You heard Karate Kid.
If we cooperate...
Listen up, brainiac.
Who said it was a
perfect plan,
that post offices
are like the Red Cross,
and that we'd catch
the 12:43 train?
But, the moron...
The moron's your pal,
not mine.
So, if you wanna be
the boss...
If you wanna be the boss
and keep giving orders,
you'd better start growin' some balls
otherwise, I'm taking over.
And I don't mind
getting my hands dirty.
Commissioner! Please!
Hey, it's
Commissioner Bruges!
Is Van Damme the perp?
Wait. No declaration yet.
Has anyone been shot?
How many hostages
are held inside?
- Enough.
- What's your plan?
No, please!
Get him outta here!
Be careful with the seats.
Careful! You know how much
I can sell it for on eBay?
No, nothing's moving.
Can he turn that off?
- The whining thing?
- The nerves.
- Is that him?
- Yes.
Did he dye his hair?
He's in shock.
- What?
- He's still in shock.
Once in the film
"Hard Target",
I took a shot from a blank.
It took salts to
reanimate me.
"Hard Target"! John Woo!
- What an ass!
- Don't say that!
C'mon, Jean-Claude,
wait a sec!
He's the one who brought him
to the US.
Without him, he'd still be
filming pigeons in Hong Kong!
And then what?
He drops you!
At least, he did "Face Off".
So what?
He could have picked you!
On the other hand, when you see
"Windtalkers", there's a justice...
Got any new projects?
Not for now.
I saw a thing on the web,
what's it called?
Purple.
"Purple Amulet".
What about it?
- Steven Seagal got the part.
- What?
He got the part.
Steven Seagal?
You're ten times better!
Well, he cut off his couette.
His what?
His couette.
His ponytail!
For the first time!
Oh, I see...
That's a tough one...
Hey you! What's that?
What are you doing?
- Me?
- Yeah, you!
- Hey!
- He coughed.
No. You're disturbing us!
I think he just coughed.
- He coughed!
- Think I'm funny?
- No.
- You think I'm funny!
No.
- Oh, is he funny?
- No.
So, I see.
It's the 'aware' thing, is that it?
- Who are you?
- Drop it.
No, wait!
Who do you think you are?
You're and still wearing sweatshirts?
Yeah.
Who do you think you are?
No, no, no! Shut up, OK?
He's tired, you know.
Drop it.
- Tired?
- Yeah.
I'm not tired, are you?
No, you're not.
So, shut up!
Get up.
Yeah get up, now!
- Got a smoke?
- I don't smoke.
Does anyone have a smoke?
- So?
- It's ringing, but no answer.
- No one?
- Nope.
Forget it, then.
Go get me a screamo-phone,
like they use in movies.
To shout at the public.
The day had started out fine!
But now, I'm exhausted, I'm fed up.
I got scared!
- Sir, let's stop...
- Do I know you?
I'm Commissioner Bruges.
Sir, I'm freaking out!
There's been a hold-up
across the street...
But look at my cab!
That's what I'm saying,
let's proceed 'step by step'.
Look at my cab!
A few questions, first.
I picked him up at
the airport.
Did he have any
luggage, ma'am?
Man, I can't.
Please! Only once!
I don't want to.
Open your mouth.
Be cool, just once!
I'm exhausted.
Do me a favor!
I might never see you again.
Show me the move,
just once, please! Go ahead!
Please, Jean-Claude!
Let's all applaud!
Nice, Jean-Claude!
Told you he was the best!
Where are you going?
Who told you to move?
Get back there.
Faster!
Where's my ciggy?
Open your mouth!
Move back a bit.
A bit lower.
- Jean-Claude?
- Yeah?
- It's been years...
- So, don't do it.
Just once!
He shows up and says "Go!".
So off I went with him.
He said that?
Yes, sir.
I did what he told me to,
he's a big star!
- What's this?
- I just fell!
And what are you doing?
Come here now!
- He needs a doc.
- Are you a nurse?
Mr Van Damme!
This is...
Commissioner Bruges,
pick up the phone
so we can talk.
Is this a joke?
No, Jean-Claude.
They saw you with
the cabinet.
- Moving a cabinet is robbing a bank?
- Shut up!
If you need anything,
pick up the phone.
I'm your contact.
Bruges.
Here's our ticket out!
I have enough problems...
I said, shut up!
Go ahead, big shot!
Are we having fun, here?
Can't believe it!
- You read English?
- Yes.
If you tell them,
you'll have blood on your hands.
- What do I say?
- Let them talk.
What's "custody"?
He picked up!
Mr Van Damme.
Bruges. How's it
going inside?
It could be better.
OK, let me ask you first,
is anyone injured?
A man's unconscious
and bleeding.
OK, good.
May I call you Jean-Claude?
I'm Commissioner Bruges.
You can call me Christian.
You must release
the wounded man.
Neither one of us
wants to have blood on our hands.
Of course.
Will you release him?
No, no one leaves.
It's impossible.
What if I came with a doctor?
Hey, if there's a murder,
it's no longer a robbery.
- And if I come with a doc?
- Alright, but unarmed.
I give you my word.
Bruges...
- Whoever walks in is dead.
- If a man dies, we're screwed.
Heard me earlier?
Well, they could come naked.
In hostage movies, the bad guys
ask the good guys to come in
naked, so they know
they're clean.
How about naked?
Fine, tell them.
Where's Petrucciani?
3. Stone falls on Egg,
Egg breaks.
Sorry, man!
Didn't recognize you!
Speak.
Hey, Jeff, how are you?
Hey, dog!
What's up, dog?
Good, good, good...
Not so good.
I need some money.
Listen,
can I advance, er...
Can the producers
advance me some money?
Listening Jean-Claude,
I was gonna call you...
...right after your
vacation was over.
They took
someone else.
Who?
Steven...
Steven?
He promised to cut
his ponytail.
It hurts,
i know.
Ok, ok, can you... Can I borrow
some money from you?
Hello!
Crank it up...
Hey, man! You're breaking
up here, I'm losing you.
You must be in a
tunnel or something!
Cut the bullshit!
Come on the phone!
All right.
Yeah, yeah.
What's next?
No Limit Injury.
It's about a Viet vet...
We've done this
movie 6 months ago.
We did?
What's next?
No Limit Injury 2!
It's about a Gulf War vet.
who fights to pay
for his son education.
- Is it good?
- I don't know.
- Did you read it?
- I don't know.
Call the producers... and...
tell them I need some upfront.
- Hey, man, I can't do that!
- Just fucking do it, Jeff!
Aren't you Van Damme?
You're Jean-Claude Van Damme,
my idol!
Listen...
I'm really tired and I...
Don't start acting
like a big shot,
Mr Hero of the century!
I can finally talk to you
and listen to that tone!
Let me talk to you.
You can rest, but let me talk.
Close your eyes,
but let me talk to you.
Anyway, when I see
you on screen,
well, you're really
different!
Really?
I think you look much better
on screen.
And you're much nicer too,
I can tell you that...
- No, it's just that...
- Even if you're tired.
I like you better on screen.
- You hurt my feelings.
- Oh, c'mon...
I always thought
you'd be nicer.
Everyone worships you
here in Belgium, you're our star!
You represent us
in Hollywood.
Get used to having a driver
who talks!
OK.
- Please!
- Sorry.
Yes, sorry! Yes!
What's that?
You don't need to show off!
- You're doing it on purpose or what?
- No, I'm not.
But you're nice.
You too, but even
more on screen!
It's hot in here!
- Should I open?
- No, I'm tired.
Then sleep, but let me talk.
All cab drivers in
Brussels talk!
You better get used to it
if you come here often.
No, seriously!
Star, star, star.
What are we talking about?
I surely didn't expect
this kind of attitude!
Ma'am, I didn't mean to...
Sorry.
Well you hurt me anyway,
you don't realize, you're my idol!
I'm sorry.
I saw all your films.
How can you be so rude?
I'm sorry, I'm tired...
- I still want a picture with you!
- I promise.
- Promise?
- Yes, ma'am.
- And you'll sign it?
- Yes, ma'am.
- It's for my son!
- Yes, ma'am.
Jean-Claude!
It's been over an hour and a half now
since Van Damme
has taken refuge in the Schaerbeek
downtown post office.
She looks better on TV.
We can't really say
what happened.
After using a gun
several times,
an anonymous source says...
So tell the source
to stay anonymous!
If anyone blabs,
you'll hear from me!
Yes, chief.
Thank you, chief.
Call him back.
No, he was here
and there were three people there.
OK, the Prefect authorized
the transfer. It's an order.
And the ransom?
- That'll have to calm him down.
- I've seen worse.
There's no attack.
With a kid inside, I'm not budging.
He picked up!
Good news!
- The transfer's authorized.
- Did it go through?
It will
if you cooperate...
Sorry, but it's a 2-way street.
And the money?
Same thing, it'll
take a bit longer.
You're gonna have
to cooperate.
It's...
What do you want?
The kid. Let him go.
I'll call you back.
The crowd's agitated.
Something's going on over there.
What's the commotion?
Let's go.
Despite all this confusion,
a car is trying to
get through.
- Who is it?
- What?
- Who is it?
- The Van Varenbergs.
- Who?
- Van Damme's parents.
Why don't you escort them?
Please! Please!
Mrs Van Damme!
Your son...
My son's a good man!
No comment!
What do you think you're doing?
Trying to screw me?
- You're nuts or what?
- Say you wanna screw me.
- I'm not saying that.
- The kid stays.
- They gave in.
- Shut up. It's our only vest.
He's right. They gave in.
Hey, who's doing the hold-up?
They gave in to him.
No hostage is leaving.
Get back, I told you!
For the second
time, don't move!
- Watch your tone.
- I do as I please.
- Get on back!
- Shut up, you heard me.
- Lower your gun.
- Calm down!
You lower yours first.
- Go on back.
- Shut up and lower your gun.
- Go on back.
- I'm going now.
They'll break negotiations.
And I'll break your neck.
If it's not the kid,
let a hostage go.
Just don't shoot, man.
Don't shoot.
Stop it.
He's right.
If we let one go,
he's gonna talk.
Not the one I'm thinking of.
Tell them we'll release one.
- Your maniac son hurt someone.
- Maniac?
He's Jean-Claude.
He's Camille.
He's François.
He's Van Damme or
Van Varenberg!
But he's not a maniac!
Get outta here.
He's on the line, boss.
Gotta do something
for the kid.
Help me convince your son
to let him go.
OK for a hostage,
but not the kid.
Someone wants to talk to you.
Honey?
Mom?
What are you doing, son?
Nothing.
Nothing!
Please talk to me, dear.
Nothing, mom.
Mom, give me the...
son of a bitch!
Get my lawyer on the phone.
Tell them I'm releasing a hostage.
Don't cry, Mom.
Hurry up!
Take them away.
It was my mother.
I don't give a shit
about your mother.
Wanna hear about mine?
- Last time I saw her...
- What?
...was when I was born.
He tries to screw me,
then he makes me cry.
You come with me.
- Why?
- 'Cause you're getting out.
So, let's go.
No, he stays here.
C'mon, mister.
Make the transfer
and get me his lawyer.
Rule number 1.
It's the maniac
that shows good faith.
C'mon.
C'mon.
- Why do I have to go?
- Shut up. Come with me.
Why do you want to keep him?
- He stays here. You come with me.
- Let him go.
Not without me.
Not without my son!
Hello?
Wait.
The lawyer's on the line.
Hi, Sir.
Mister...
One moment...
Mr. Bernstein,
We need you to talk the voice
of reason to your client.
Get him on the phone!
Stand up, up you go!
Let me go!
- You sure are lucky.
- So are you.
- With your gun.
- You too sure are lucky.
You're really lucky.
Let me go!
Damien, I'll be back.
Mommy's coming back!
Move.
Move. Get up.
When I say get up,
you get up!
One word
and you're dead.
Hello?
Jean-Claude, What the hell
is wrong with you?
You've got money?
Yes, of course, but...
What the f...
So then, do your job!
If you open your mouth,
you're gonna find your kid in pieces.
I'll take care of him.
What? You can't even take care
of your own kid!
It's all your fault!
They're raising the curtain!
Stand back.
Please, ma'am.
I said stand back.
Over there.
Over there, I said.
OK, so we put it
all in boxes.
I'm gonna keep
a Christmas decoration.
I like this one.
It's a little beauty.
This way, we 'II remember
it's almost Mardi Gras.
Our minds crossed.
I took a heart from my tree.
Yeah, and St. Valentine 's Day
is coming up. Hurray for love.
Dimitri's so romantic!
It's our 1,500th show today!
This movie is for me.
There we are, you and me.
Why did you do that?
Or why did I do that?
You made my dream come true.
I asked you for it.
I promised you something in return
and I haven't delivered yet.
You win, I lose.
Unless...
the path you've set for me
is full of hurdles
where the answer
comes before the question.
Yeah, I do that.
Now I know why.
It's the cure,
from what I've seen here.
It all makes sense.
It makes sense
to those who understand.
So... America,
poverty,
stealing to eat...
Stalking producers,
actors, 'movie stars',
going to clubs
hoping to see a star,
with my pictures,
karate magazines.
It's all I had.
I didn't speak English.
But I did 20 years of karate.
'Cause before I wasn't like that.
This... This is me today.
I used to be small
and scrawny.
And I took up karate.
Hence the Dojo, hence respect,
thou shall believe
people who say,
"Oss!"
It's Samurai code.
It's honor, no lies.
So this guy in the US,
it's not the same thing.
No one says "Oss" to you.
Sometimes people
in show business say,
I believed in
people, in the Dojo.
I was blessed
and had a lot of 'wives'.
I always believed in love.
It's hard for a woman
with three kids to say,
"Which one do I love more?"
A mother...
If you have 5, 6, or 10 wives in a lifetime,
they've all got
something special,
but no one cares about that
in the so-called media.
What about drugs?
When you got it all,
you travel the world.
When you've been in
all the hotels,
you're the prima donna
of the penthouse.
And in all hotels the world over,
traveling,
you want something more.
And because of a woman...
Well, because of love,
I tried something
and I got hooked.
Van Damme, the beast,
the tiger in a cage,
the "Bloodsport"
man got hooked.
I was wasted mentally
and physically.
To the point that
I got out of it.
I got out of it.
But...
It's all there.
It's all there.
It was really tough.
I saw people worse
off than me.
I went from poor to rich and thought,
why aren't we all like me.
Why all the privileges?
I'm just a regular guy.
It makes me sick to
see people...
who don't have what I've got.
Knowing that
they have qualities, too.
Much more than I do!
It's not my fault
if I was cut out to be a star.
I asked for it.
I asked for it,
really believed in it.
When you're 13,
you believe in your dream.
Well, it came true for me.
But I still ask myself today
what I've done on this earth.
Nothing!
I've done nothing!
And I might just die
in this post office,
hoping to start all over
here in Belgium,
in my country,
where my roots are.
Start all over with my parents
and get my health back,
pick up again.
So I really hope...
nobody's gonna pull a trigger
in this post office...
It's so stupid to kill people.
They're so beautiful!
So, today, I pray to God.
I truly believe
it's not a movie.
It's real life.
Real life.
I've seen so many things.
I was born in Belgium,
but I'm citizen of the world.
I've travelled a lot.
It's hard for me to
judge people
and it's hard for them...
not to judge me.
Easier to blame me.
Yeah, something like that.
Dimitri's so romantic!
It's our 1,500th show today!
And I'm giving out rare items
like the red wig
"Véronique et Sébastien " never wore.
We don't know why!
It's the hat full of ideas
for reportages.
Say, Arthur?
- That's your name, right?
- Yeah.
We've gotta free
the hostages.
I can't do that, Jean-Claude.
Yes, you can. It's easy.
We just go there,
raise the curtain
and split!
4. Egg falls on Stone,
Egg breaks.
7 hostages left!
How are we gonna hold out?
- It's OK. We need time.
- Wait for what? What's the plan?
The cops question her,
then what?
- They count the dough.
- After that...
Hey, what dough?
You're waiting for them
to count the million?
You crazy? What's a million?
I won't calm down.
How are you gonna get out?
She'll blab.
No, we've got the kid.
I tell you,
the first one to leave dies.
You can't kill anyone.
I'll kill whoever I like.
No more talking!
The next one out is dead.
A hostage, whatever!
Whoever you want, you got it?
We'll obtain more that way
and have the upper hand.
What are you doing?
What?
You want to hold it for me?
Let's wait for the bus...
What the bus?
We're gonna go home by bus?
Why not on the subway!
Hey, it's the
second round or what?
I'm pissing.
- Pissing?
- Yeah!
You piss silently?
Yeah, don't you?
- You piss white?
- Yeah!
You piss invisible!
Think I'm an idiot?
Why? Are you sick?
Do you piss yellow? Red?
At least, there's color.
- You're sick.
- So, I'm sick?
- I'm sick?
- Yeah.
Wait, I'm going
back to my spot...
Where the fuck are they?
Back in the room, faster!
Let her through, she's the mother!
It's her son!
Move back.
What do you want?
You wanna screw me
over again?
I was just trying to help...
Move back!
I said, move back!
- Don't shoot.
- Move back, move back.
Don't fucking shoot!
- What are you doing?
- You're gonna shoot me?
What I'm doing?
What about you?
Whose side are you on?
- Who are you with?
- Shut up!
Let him go!
We want information!
I said, get the
fuck outta here!
You, motherfucker!
Let go.
Sir!
My son, Jean-Claude...
- What's going on?
- Is Jean-Claude dead or...
Answer me, damn it!
He's my son!
Make her stop crying!
I said, let go!
What?
Go ahead, shoot!
You too, get lost!
Back to our correspondent
in Los Angeles
where it seems Van Damme's
attorney has a statement to make.
We represented Mr. Van Damme
for over fifteen years,
which is a lot of time, a lot of
business, a lot of friendship, so...
It is with the
greatest regret that
I had to prepare the
statement with my colleagues
"Because of Mr. Van Damme's behavior
and for ethical purposes,
my firm and myself hereby,
immediately cease to represent
Jean Claude Van Damme."
Go, over there!
Bang!
Like in movies.
What the hell are you doing?
Whose side are you on, you dork?
That moron soften you up?
Oh yeah, I'm the dork?
Yeah, a 32-year-old
who still watches karate films?
And who gets softened up
like a beginner!
- A beginner?
- Yeah!
Robbing a post office at my age,
that's a youth mistake! But at 52...
Yeah, right! 52 years old!
You owe me some respect.
I could be your father!
My father?
Because of your age?
No, because I fucked
your mother!
Sure!
Are you happy now?
Did you ever go to school?
You'd know that
stone falls on egg,
breaks egg
and egg which...
an egg which falls...
Because we can't...
You can't save...
the world.
What?
We said, "Not the mothers!"
I don't wanna die.
I don't wanna die.
I don't wanna die.
It's over, it's over.
Don't worry, Jean-Claude.
Aren't we better
off without him?
- He shot him in the head.
- Put Jean-Claude on.
Jean-Claude?
I wanted to ask you...
Could you sign me
an autograph?
For Arthur.
Promise?
Thanks.
The cops.
- No!
- Yes...
Arthur?
Don't shoot!
Police!
Police! Don't move!
I'm a hostage!
I'm a hostage!
I need a doctor, now!
- Drop the gun!
- Get lost!
Get out or I'll smoke him!
- Drop the gun!
- Let him go.
Get outta here or
I'll smoke him!
It's not him!
It's not Jean-Claude!
- Get outta here!
- Drop the gun!
I'm gonna smoke him!
Get outta here!
I didn't do anything!
What the hell is
going on here?
You're a criminal!
Extortion of 465,000 dollars
from the Belgian State.
- Extortion?
- What extortion?
There's no extortion!
You're an asshole.
A few months later
During the trial,
Van Damme seemed quite serene
and wishes to remain silent...
Here he comes.
Mr Van Damme, a statement?
Do you agree
with the court's verdict?
The results are in.
Jean-Claude Van Damme has been convicted
for 3 years. One year jail time
two years probation...
Jean-Claude Van Damme,
as mentioned earlier,
will serve 1 year
for extortion of funds.
He should serve his sentence
in a prison in Brussels' suburbs.
And this ends
the thrilling judicial series.
We just heard
of the incredible escape...
If the knee is lower than the foot,
like this...
You won't have any strength.
Lower, which is bad...
I'm gonna kick like this,
with no power. Check...
Knee too low...
If I put my knee high,
I can even kick higher. Go higher.
Then I go... Bam!
- It's something moving.
- Van Damme...
Harder!
And what if somebody come at me
with a knife?
- Van Damme, visit...
- A knife?
Then I keep my distance,
and my knee high...
You have a knife,
I go inside you
or I can go above
you. Do you understand?
Van Damme!
Visiting room!
I'm coming.
I'm coming.
It's my mother.
See you, guys.
Thank you.
How are you, Mom?
Aren't you cold?
No, no. I just gave the
guys a karate lesson...
- You teach karate?
- Yeah, keeps me busy.
That's nice.
Your father asked
how you were doing and
wanted to tell you stuff...
Is he OK?
I'll be right back.
I have a surprise.
- Excuse me?
- I have a surprise for you.
- I've had plenty of surprises.
- Wait a sec.
We don't have much time.