Voila! Finally, the Jingle All The Way
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Arnold
Schwarzenegger and Sinbad movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Jingle All The Way. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
Look! It's Turbo Man
and Booster!
Kill them both!
TURBO MAN:
Turbo discs, anyone?
- Ow!
- Ah!
- Ow!
- Bleh!
VILLAIN: Stop him!
DEMONS: Go, go, Demon Team!
BO Y: Help, Turbo Man! Help!
TURBO MAN: I'm coming, Billy!
- Ta-ta, Turbo Man.
- Ah!
Ah. Heh heh heh!
COMPUTER:
Five seconds to ignition.
Aah!
Ha ha ha ha ha!
It's turbo time!
BILLY: Aah!
TURBO MAN: Got you.
BO Y: Yay!
VILLAIN: You haven't seen
the last of me!
I'll have my revenge!
TURBO MAN: Here, Mr. President.
BILLY: Mom, Dad, Booster.
Thank you, Turbo Man.
You can always count on me.
WOMAN: Jamie, go and change.
It's almost time to leave.
But dad's not home yet.
He's going to miss me
get my belt.
He misses everything.
He won't miss this.
He's probably just
working really hard.
]Rock music playing]
RONNIE SPECTOR SINGING: Rockin'
around the Christmas tree
At the Christmas party hop
Mistletoe hung
where you can see
Every couple tries to stop
Rockin' around
the Christmas tree
Have a happy holiday
Everyone dancing merrily
Hello, Mr. Jacobs.
Yes, we've been busy.
I like that.
I'm gonna make it.
I hear you.
What can I do for you?
Two hundred king-sized
by next Friday?
No problem whatsoever,
but only for you.
You're our number one customer.
Andrea, hi.
If you think the fabric
is too dark, we'll re-cover it.
At no extra charge.
What do you expect?
You're my number one customer.
Don't you forget.
You're my number one customer.
You're my number one customer.
Liz. Hi, honey. How are you?
- Howard, where are you?
- I know. Jamie's karate class.
Don't worry.
I'll meet you there. I promise.
And don't forget,
you're my number one customer.
Liz! Look, I didn't
mean that. L...
Liz?
I'm going to make it.
I'm going to make it.
He's not gonna make it.
What the...
]Car horns honking]
]Applause]
MAN: Johnny!
- The kids look great.
- Yeah, they do.
WOMAN:
Ted, I baked you some cookies...
to thank you
for fixing my screen door.
TED: Well, thanks, Judy.
INSTRUCTOR: One!
STUDENTS: Hai!
INSTRUCTOR: Two!
STUDENTS: Hai!
WOMAN: Ted, I was wondering
if you'd mind...
taking a look at my porch light.
It's not working,
and you being
such a handyman...
TED: I've got just the tool
for the job.
]Chuckling]
I'm gonna make it.
]Siren]
Damn it.
STUDENTS: Hai!
INSTRUCTOR: Two!
STUDENTS: Hai!
INSTRUCTOR: Three!
STUDENTS: Hai!
INSTRUCTOR: Four!
STUDENTS: Hai!
INSTRUCTOR: Five!
STUDENTS: Hai!
License and registration,
please.
HOWARD: Sir, I'm in a hurry.
I'm late for
my son's karate class.
I do apologize if I've
caused you some sort of delay.
How thoughtless of me.
Because the last thing I want
on my conscience right now...
is for a private citizen
to somehow be disappointed...
in the performance
of my duty.
Look, I was not criticizing you,
officer.
- It's just that...
- Step out of the vehicle.
Yah!
That's my boy!
HOWARD: There.
Are we finished now?
Recite the alphabet.
A, B, C...
Backwards.
Hyah!
]Applause]
Way to go, Jamie!
]Whistles]
I didn't make it.
]Car alarm chirps]
TED: Hey, neighbor!
HOWARD: Ted?
Why are you on my roof?
What's Ted doing on your roof?
TED: Ta-da! Ha ha ha!
I had some extra lights.
Since you didn't put up any,
I thought, what the heck?
Why not spread some Christmas
cheer around the neighborhood?
Aw, gee, Ted, how thoughtful.
TED: Sorry you missed
the karate class today.
But don't worry.
I got it all on video for you.
What would I do without you?
HOWARD: Did you tell Ted
to put lights up?
LIZ: Do you know
what time it is?
You should have seen
the traffic.
And I got a speeding ticket.
Don't explain to me.
It wasn't my karate class
you missed.
]Television playing]
HOWARD: Hi, buddy.
TV ANNOUNCER: It's turbo time!
It's your chance to save
the universe with Turbo Man!
Battle evil with America's
favorite superhero...
and his sidekick Booster.
HOWARD: Jamie, about
the karate class tonight...
I was trying to... Jamie.
Jamie, stop!
Listen, it was not my fault.
Don't walk away
from your father.
Jamie... can I come in?
So, champ...
Are those hands
registered weapons yet?
Oh, is this it? Wow!
This is really cool.
How do you do this? Like this?
No. I know. Like this.
What do you think?
How about this?
]Grunting]
Whaah! Yah!
Whoa!
Yah! Woo!
Nyah! Ha!
I've done something
really stupid today.
JAMIE: I don't care.
Oh, come on, Jamie.
I hope this is not true...
because I really wanted
to be there.
Look, believe me, l...
JAMIE: You always say that,
and you never come anyways.
Purple was important
to me, Dad.
That's one away from green
and three away from black.
- I saw you get yellow.
- You missed blue.
You're right.
I really blew it.
I'm really, really sorry.
Can I make it up to you?
Like how?
Like letting me do
something special just for you.
Like, if there's something
really important...
you've been wanting
for Christmas. Hmm?
Don't worry. I got it covered.
I wrote Santa.
HOWARD: But Santa gets very busy
this time of the year.
Sometimes he even has to ask
moms and dads to help out.
Nah. It's not that important.
Tell me. What do you want?
The Turbo Man action figure
with movable arms and legs...
and the boomerang shooter,
the rock-and-roar jet pack...
and the realistic
voice activator...
that says five different phrases
including, 'It's turbo time! '
Accessories sold separately.
Batteries not included.
Ha ha ha!
You had to stop
and think about it.
Johnny's gonna get one.
So is everybody else I know.
Whoever doesn't
is going to be a loser.
Well, that definitely
won't be you.
- Thanks, Dad. I love you.
- I love you, too, Jamie.
- I love you!
- Whoa!
HOWARD: You should have seen us.
We were really bonding.
We were drawing, laughing,
talking about that Turbo guy.
LIZ: Turbo Man.
Which reminds me...
you got the doll, right?
The doll.
LIZ: Yeah.
That Turbo Man doll.
- I asked you to get one.
- Oh.
That doll. Of course.
Howard, you didn't.
Tell me you
did not forget that doll.
No, no. I got it.
I got the Turbo Man doll,
the one with
those things that shoot,
with that jet pack,
and with that voice box
that says, 'It's turbo time.'
- I got it.
- Oh, good.
There you are.
You thought that I would not
do something that you tell me?
I got it right away.
Ahh.
Good. Because at this point,
they'd be impossible to find.
RADIO ANNOUNCER:
KORS, Minneapolis.
We'll do the rocking
while you fill the stocking.
]'Run Run Rudolph' playing]
LIZ: Wait. Whoa.
Where you going?
I just have to run
to the office quickly.
Howard, it's Christmas Eve.
You can't go to the office.
I have to pick up the d-o-l-I.
HOWARD:
I left it there by mistake.
Oh. OK.
- All right.
- Bye.
JAMIE: You can't
go to work today.
- What about the parade?
- The parade?
JAMIE: The Holiday
Wintertainment Parade.
- We go every year.
- Oh.
JAMIE: Well, you didn't go
last year or the year before,
but Mom and I always go.
This year Turbo Man's
going to be there.
LIZ: Yeah. Turbo Man.
HOWARD: Turbo Man.
'It's turbo time.'
Dad, you can't miss it.
It's gonna be really cool.
I won't miss it.
I'll be there.
I promise.
Whoa!
]Car alarm chirps]
]Snorting]
TED: Whoa!
Sorry about that, Howie.
What's that, a reindeer?
A little Christmas surprise
for Johnny.
You think of everything,
don't you, Ted?
Howard,
you can never do too much...
to make
a child's Christmas magical.
So what happens to Blitzen
after Christmas?
I've been watching a family of
deer down by Lake Minnetonka.
I'll take him down there
and set him free.
If nature's kind,
they'll take him in.
How touching.
Buddy. How are you?
]Snarling]
TED: Whoa. That's odd.
Reindeer are usually gentle.
There must be something
about you he doesn't like...
aftershave or something.
Yeah. All right, got to go.
Where you off to so early?
Picking up a Christmas present
for Jamie.
Whoa! Nothing like waiting
till the last minute, Howitzer.
- So what did you get him?
- One of those Turbo Mans.
Oh. That's great.
I got a Turbo Man
for Johnny months ago.
It's nestled safely
under our tree.
Good.
Howard, by the way,
they say it may get icy later.
You might want to wrap
some chains around those tires.
]Under breath]
I'll wrap chains around you.
What?
Come on.
DARLENE LOVE SINGING: Just hear
those sleigh bells ringing
And ding ding
a-ling-a-linging, too
Come on, it's lovely weather
For a sleigh ride
together with you
Outside the snow is falling
And friends are calling yoo-hoo
Come on, it's lovely weather
For a sleigh ride
together with you
HOWARD: What time you opening?
Come on. It's freezing out here.
There's a hundred people...
Because of two minutes
you're not...
]Crowd grumbling]
MAILMAN: Give him a break!
He's trying to get a toy!
Go ahead. Have cuts, man.
- Last-minute shopping?
- Yeah.
Enough to drive a man insane.
Myron Larabee.
Howard Langston.
I'm shopping late because
I'm busy at Christmastime.
People send Christmas letters...
to folks they don't talk to
but once a year,
not to mention relatives
sending presents...
they're going to send back.
How many toiletry kits
does a man need?
How about those stupid letters
from kids to Santa?
MYRON, WITH CHILD'S VOICE:
'Dear Santa, send me a bike.'
No! Your father's been laid off!
As if I didn't have
enough pressure,
my son wants
some goofy-butt toy,
some fruity robot
named Turtle Man.
That's Turbo Man.
My son wants one, too.
You know it's all a ploy.
HOWARD: A ploy?
MYRON: Don't you watch TV?
We are being set up
by powerful toy cartels.
- Come on.
- These fat cats...
use working-class
like me and you.
They spend billions of dollars
on TV advertisement,
and then they use
subliminal messages...
to suck your
children's minds out!
I know what I'm talking about.
I went to junior college.
I studied psychology.
I know what's going on.
Then they make a kid
feel like garbage...
because you, the father,
who's working -
delivering mail to make
an alimony payment to a woman...
that slept with everybody
at the post office but me!
When you get the toy, it breaks
because it's cheap plastic!
I'd like to
walk in that office, grab him,
and just choke him
until his eye pops out!
You shouldn't wear fur.
Ugh!
MYRON: Back up. I'm first.
Turbo Man, you're mine!
MYRON: Move it, move it!
MAN: Whoa!
MYRON: Move, move!
MYRON: Get out my way!
MYRON: Booster?
Who wants Booster?
HOWARD: The Turbo Man dolls...
they're all gone!
MYRON: There's another one here.
HOWARD: There are none!
I'm trying to find
a Turbo Man doll.
- Me, too!
- Any more in the back?
Ha ha ha!
- What?
- What's he laughing about?
Ha ha ha ha ha!
CLERK: They want a Turbo Man.
HOWARD: Yes.
Ha ha ha ha ha!
CLERK:
They're looking for Turbo Man.
Ha ha ha!
WOMAN: Hey, everybody,
they're looking for a Turbo Man.
]Everybody laughing]
MYRON: Shut up, man!
HOWARD: What's so funny?
Where have you guys been?
Turbo Man's the hottest-selling
Christmas toy ever.
CLERK: We got plenty of
Turbo Man's partner Booster.
Where's your Christmas spirit?
That's better.
Now, there must be a Turbo Man
around here somewhere.
Uh...
Duh...
The last one just left.
Some lady had it on layaway.
A lady? What lady?
CLERK: Short, with a fur coat.
HOWARD: Fur coat.
MYRON: Sorry, buddy.
MYRON: Heh heh heh!
HOWARD: Give me this.
This is war.
MYRON: Ha ha ha! Whoo! Uh!
HOWARD: Yeah!
BO Y: Cool.
Oh, poor baby.
MYRON: Turbo Man.
Ah! Hey, lady!
Hey, hold it! Wait!
Wait, lady!
I need that Turbo Man! Wait!
BRIAN SETZER SINGING:
Jingle bells
Jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a ' Chevrolet
Jingle bells
Jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh
Awoo!
Hey!
Dashing through the snow
In a one-horse open sleigh
Over those fields we go
Laughing, laughing,
laughing, laughing
Bells on bobtails ring
Making those spirits bright
What fun it is to ride and sing
A sleighing song tonight
Awoo!
Jingle bells
Jingle, jingle,
jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a ' Chevrolet
In a ' Chevrolet
Jingle bells
Jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse
Open
Sleigh
JAMIE: I'm Turbo Man.
BO Y: I am.
You're always Turbo Man.
Hey, hey, hey.
Cut it out.
- Hi, Liz.
- Oh, hi, Ted.
TED: It's Christmas Eve,
and you're slaving over a stove.
You're the mom of the year.
LIZ: It's no big deal. Really.
TED: And modest, too.
LIZ: Ohh.
TED: Liz...
you could use a little
You Time.
Why don't you go upstairs,
take a shower?
I'll watch the boys,
finish the cookies.
LIZ: Oh, no...
TED: Da-da-da.
Go on. You deserve it.
LIZ: Uh... Oh, well, OK.
- Listen for the oven timer.
- I know. Sugar cookies.
Bake - minutes
till golden brown.
- Yeah.
- Everything's under control.
]Kids play-fighting]
Oh! Pipe down in there!
]Telephone ringing]
TED: Merry Christmas.
Langston residence.
HOWARD: Hi, l... Ted?
Howard! Hey, buddy.
How's it going out there?
Everything OK?
HOWARD: Yeah.
I need to speak to Liz.
Could you get...
]Ted moans]
Howard, excuse me.
Your wife's cookies
are out of this world.
What... Who told you
you could eat my cookies?
TED: I'm helping Liz out.
She's baking up a storm here.
HOWARD: I need to speak to
my wife. Could you get her?
TED: She's in the shower.
Want me to check?
No! I mean, no, that's fine.
On your way out,
tell her I will be late,
but don't worry.
TED: Oh, she won't worry.
I mean, I'm here, and...
Mmm! Oh, these cookies!
I'll get the recipe from Liz.
Put that cookie down! Now!
Howard, is there
something bothering you?
This time of year,
there's a very high incidence
of stress-related breakdowns.
]Bell rings]
There's the next batch.
I'll give Liz
your message. Bye.
Yeah, but...
MYRON: Look who it is!
HOWARD: Oh...
MYRON: Still on the hunt?
HOWARD: Yeah.
MYRON: Sorry about whacking you
at the toy store.
I got caught up
in the competition.
HOWARD: That's all right.
MYRON: You'd have done
the same thing.
That's when I realized
we're the same kind of person.
HOWARD: I doubt that.
MYRON: That brouhaha
at the toy store...
we could join up as a team,
like Starsky and Hutch,
like Jonny Ouest and Hadji,
Bonnie and Clyde, Ike and Tina...
Not Ike and Tina... she left.
Search and destroy.
Divide and conquer.
Me and you. What do you say?
Thanks, Myron,
but, no, thank you.
MYRON: Come on, let's do it.
Let's be a team!
Myron, I think you're
a good guy and all.
This I will do by myself.
You understand, right?
Oh, yeah,
I understand you, man!
MYRON: I understand plenty,
Mr. Fancy Cashmere Coat
And Nice Suede Shoes.
I'm not good enough
to be on your team!
See, that's racism.
Jesse Jackson talked about that.
MAN: They got a late delivery
of Turbo Man at Toy Works!
- Turbo Man!
- Turbo Man!
MYRON: Whoa! Whoo-hoo!
]Car alarm chirps]
Uh! Uh!
Piece of junk!
]Engine revving]
Oh.
- Officer.
- You broke my little mirror.
License and registration,
please.
MYRON: Whoo! Is there a problem,
officer? Ha ha ha!
TOM PETTY SINGING:
Well, it's Christmastime again
Decorations
Are all hung
By the fire
Everybody's singing
MAN OVER P. A:
Listen up, people.
To answer your first question...
yes, the rumors are true.
We have received
a small quantity...
of the action figure
known as Turbo Man.
Yes!
MAN OVER P. A: Please be quiet.
Do you hear me?
Here's how it works.
You will form an orderly line...
so that an employee can hand you
a numbered ball.
These balls will then be drawn
in a standard lottery fashion...
to see who gets a doll.
If you're not
one of the lucky few,
we have Turbo Man's
pet tiger Booster in stock.
MYRON: We don't want it!
HOWARD: Who wants a Booster?
In accordance with the laws
of supply and demand,
the new list price
on each figure just doubled.
MYRON:
What? That's against the law!
Hey, give me a ball!
JOHNNY MATHIS SINGING:
It's the most wonderful time
Of the year
With the kids jingle-belling
And everyone telling you,
'Be of good cheer'
It's the most wonderful time
It's the most wonderful time
Aah!
SONG: Of the year
I got it!
]Spraying]
Aah!
MYRON: I got it!
HOWARD: He maced me!
MYRON: Ha ha ha!
I got it!
Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo.
He got two! He got two!
Get the mailman!
MYRON: No!
HOWARD: Get him!
MYRON: He's lying.
He's lying.
MYRON: That's my ball!
Rodney King. Rodney King.
CHILD: Hey!
Hey! Aah!
This is my ball! Yeah. Stay.
Ah!
Aah!
Ah. Hi, little girl.
Look what I've got for you.
A shiny red ball.
Do you want to trade?
No! Just give me the ball.
I got it... Ow!
WOMAN: Sicko! Pervert!
- Get your hands off my kid!
- I need the ball.
I need that toy!
WOMAN:
Get out of here! You wacko!
HOWARD: I need that toy!
WOMAN: Pervert!
I'm not a pervert! I was looking
for Turbo Man doll.
SANTA: Hey. Psst.
Buddy, come here. Come here.
You want a Turbo Man?
I won't sit on your lap.
SANTA: Hey, chief,
that's not my bag. Get it? Ha!
Well, you know, little boy,
with your attitude,
I won't give you access to this.
Tony, show him.
That was taken this morning.
How do I know
this is not a scam?
SANTA: Forget it, Tony.
He doesn't want our help.
HOWARD:
Whoa. Wait a minute, guys.
We're all businessmen.
We can work out an agreement.
SANTA: We got the doll.
HOWARD: How much?
SANTA: Ho ho ho!
A merry Christmas. Ho ho ho!
A merry Christmas to you,
officer.
What are you, crazy?
Santa never delivers a gift
in broad daylight.
Excuse me. I may be wrong,
but you are not
the real Santa Claus.
Really?
You're not a guy
who's got enough foresight...
to get his kid a Turbo Man
before Christmas Eve.
Hey, show a little respect
for the suit, huh?
Yeah.
You want that doll or not?
SANTA SINGING: I feel sorry
for that laddie
HOWARD: Come on.
I got a parade to go to.
I've yet to see a sign of
that supposed Turbo Man doll.
SANTA: Take a left.
SANTA SINGING: He's a little
boy who Santa Claus forgot
TONY: Beautiful.
]Dog barking]
SANTA: Up here.
Oh, I love this time of year.
Christmas carols,
snowflakes, Santa Clauses.
HOWARD: Now what?
SANTA: Are you Dan Rather?
Is this ' Minutes'?
You the question king?
Chill!
SANTA: Keep your hands
where I can see them.
]Raps out beat
to 'Jingle Bells']
Password.
Jingle bells...
Batman smells.
CLARENCE CARTER SINGING:
They call me back door Santa
I make my runs
about the break of day
They call me back door Santa
- I know what you're thinking.
- Oh, no.
You have no idea.
SANTA: Get him his Turbo Man.
TONY: Got it.
I got to tell you, Santa,
there is something here...
that doesn't seem quite,
um, kosher.
- Kosher?
- Yeah.
This from a guy who assaulted
a toddler for a Super Ball?
Listen, bub, we provide
a service here.
We're not doing this for us.
We're doing this for the kids.
For the kids?
For every kid who ever sat down
on Santa's lap,
for every little girl...
who left cookies and milk
for Santa on Christmas night,
for every little boy who opens
a present Christmas morning...
and finds clothes
instead of toys.
HOWARD: Aw.
- It breaks my heart.
- Ahem.
HOWARD: There it is.
SANTA: That will be .
- Dollars?
- No. Chocolate kisses.
Yes, dollars.
I can't believe this.
Whatever happened
to your lofty ideals?
I thought you were doing
all this for the kids.
SANTA: Can't we pick up some
loose change in the process?
HOWARD: Here.
SANTA: Take it.
Count it.
Put it in the safe this time.
Don't open that up!
DOLL: ĦEs el tiempo
del Hombre de Turbo!
That's the multilingual version.
It's fun and educational.
Don... you know,
I wouldn't...
Well, of course,
there's some assembly required.
Let me get that for you.
SANTA: Put it in the box...
HOWARD: Give me the money back.
SANTA: Ah, ah. Whoa!
All sales are final.
You know what you guys are?
A bunch of sleazy con men
in red suits.
- What did you call us?
- You heard me.
Con men, thieves,
degenerates, lowlifes,
thugs, criminals!
SANTA: In the North Pole,
them are fighting words.
- Put 'em up.
- Relax, buddy.
I'm not about to hit
a Santa Claus.
What are you, chicken?
Chick, chick, chick.
Chick, chick, chick, chick!
Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk!
Ba... aah!
]Clang]
Get him!
]Karate yells]
Whaa!
Shut up.
Ha ha ha!
]Santas cheering]
GIANT SANTA:
I'm gonna deck your halls.
Aah!
Oh!
LITTLE SANTA: No! Aah!
GIANT SANTA: Little buddy.
SANTA: You naughty boy!
HOWARD: Who's next, huh?
HOWARD: Yiii! Aah!
Dog pile! Yeah!
]Police whistles]
It's the Grinch! Scatter.
LITTLE SANTA:
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
]Thud]
MAN: Hey! Hey, who are you? Huh?
Hey. Hey, buddy.
HOWARD: This is the
sloppiest bust I've ever seen.
Detective Howard Lang...
undercover.
I've been working this case
for the last three years,
and you guys barge in here...
like a bunch of terrorists
at a tea party!
Wait till the commissioner
finds out about this.
He is going to hit the roof!
Now, get your act together
and arrest someone!
- Go!
- Yes, sir!
TONY: I'm not going back
to the joint!
HOWARD: All right, lock them up.
]Engine sputtering]
Come on. Come on. Not now.
FRANK SINATRA SINGING:
I'll be home
For Christmas
You
Can plan
On me
I'll be home
For Christmas...
WOMAN: You're so considerate...
bringing holiday cheer
to the neighborhood.
Christmas comes
but once a year.
You're an amazing man, Ted.
I wish every husband
were more like you.
TED: Thanks. We should
get together and swap recipes.
What's the reindeer's name?
I named him Ted after my dad.
Your dad is cool. I wish my dad
did stuff like this.
He never used to...
not till he and Mom split.
- Really?
- Your parents should divorce!
Did wonders for my dad.
LIZ: Jamie?
TED: Hot chocolate?
]Telephone ringing]
- Hello?
- Jamie, how are you doing?
Hi, Dad. I knew you'd call.
HOWARD: Hey, listen,
let me talk to your mother.
JAMIE: You can't.
HOWARD: Why not?
- She's next door petting Ted.
- She's what?
JAMIE: Are you on your way?
The parade's starting soon.
- Get your mother, please.
- Well, are you?
- Am I what?
- Coming home soon.
Yes, immediately!
Now please get your mother!
JAMIE: 'Cause, Dad,
before you left,
you promised you'd be
at the parade.
You haven't been here all day,
so you can't miss it.
Jamie, please.
'Cause, Dad,
when someone makes a promise,
they definitely should keep it.
You know, it's like
what Turbo Man says:
'AIways keep your promises if
you want to keep your friends.'
HOWARD: Enough!
Enough of this Turbo Man!
I've had it up to here with him!
I don't want advice
from Turbo Man!
Now, get your mother.
I'm sorry, Jamie.
Look... I didn't mean...
What would you know about
keeping your promises?!
You never keep your promises!
You never do anything you say
you're going to do! Ever!
Damn you, Howard.
COUNTERMAN: Here you go, my man.
This will warm you up.
HOWARD: Thanks.
MYRON: Cheers.
- You?!
- Peace.
- 'Tis the season to be jolly.
- Right.
MYRON:
Any luck in finding that doll?
- No.
- Me, neither.
Maybe this will help.
]Blues music playing
on jukebox]
HOWARD: What the hell.
HOWARD: I couldn't find
the kid a doll.
- That makes me a bad father? No.
- Nah.
But yelling at him
for no good reason?
That makes me a bad father.
One chance a year
to prove we're not screwups,
and what do we do?
We screw it up!
HOWARD: A few years ago,
I wanted to do something
really special for Jamie...
so... I built him
his own clubhouse.
It came out great.
Well, I mean, the door
was a little crooked, right?
The roof didn't
sit quite straight.
You should have seen
his face light up.
When he saw that,
he was so excited.
He played in that clubhouse
the entire day.
He even made us have
Christmas dinner in it.
- No!
- Oh, yeah.
I was the hero then.
Look at me now.
That kid's going to need
some serious therapy.
Oh, don't say that.
Mm-hmm. I know what
I'm talking about.
See, I never forgave my father.
One Christmas,
I wanted this one special toy,
Johnny Seven O.M.A. Gun.
- You remember those?
- No.
I still remember the commercial.
Two kids playing out
in the backyard.
'Johnny to Peter.
Enemy sighted.'
'Roger there! Open fire! '
Johnny would whip out his Johnny
Seven O.M.A. One-Man-Army Gun.
- Seven guns in one!
- Huh.
]Chuckling]
Thing looked like a blast.
Of course for my old man,
Christmas was just another
opportunity to let me down.
I never did get
that Johnny Seven O.M.A.
HOWARD: Sorry to hear that.
MYRON: It don't mean nothing.
You ever heard of a guy
named Scott Sherman?
Yeah. CEO of
Sherman Industries.
MYRON: He was my old neighbor,
and his dad got him
a Johnny Seven O.M.A. Gun.
You know what happened?
He became a billionaire.
And me? Well... huh.
I'm just a loser
with no future.
Here's to you, Dad.
Ahh.
HOWARD: I can't let this happen.
It's just a doll.
It's just a stupid
little plastic doll!
Ah-ah. That's action figure.
There's got to be one
around here somewhere!
RADIO: Been looking everywhere
for a Turbo Man doll?
HOWARD: Yes.
RADIO: You'd do anything
to get your hands on one?
HOWARD: Yes, yes.
RADIO:
KORS has good news for you.
If you're the first caller
to identify Santa's reindeer,
you will win the hottest toy
since Johnny Seven O.M.A.
HOWARD: Dasher, Dancer,
Prancer, Vixen,
Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen.
RADIO: Call -KORS.
HOWARD: No.
MYRON: I don't think so!
Aah! Ohh! My arm! Aah!
Aah!
HOWARD: Come on.
MYRON: Give me the phone!
- Give me the phone!
- There you are!
MAN ON PHONE: KORS. Hello.
HOWARD: I got the answer!
MYRON: You don't!
MYRON: Ha ha ha ha ha!
HOWARD: You!
Why did you do that?
I got through!
I got through!
COUNTERMAN: Hey, you guys,
the radio station's
just two blocks down on Wabasha.
HOWARD: I got the... answer!
I got the answer!
Bye-bye! Sorry!
HOWARD: He barked up
the wrong tree!
HOWARD: He barked up
the wrong tree!
HOWARD:
I can run like this for miles!
Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen,
Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen!
Ha ha!
Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen,
Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen!
Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen,
Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen!
Ha ha! I'm having a good time!
Bye! Ha ha!
Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen,
Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen!
Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen.
MAN: KORS, you're on the air.
HOWARD: Dasher, Dancer...
CALLER: Randy, Jermaine, Tito.
MAN: Nope, not even close.
Maybe this will put us
all in the mood...
HOWARD: I got the answer!
Let me in! I got the answer!
I got the answer!
Come on, open up!
I got a madman in my studio.
Help me!
Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen,
Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen!
- What?
- I couldn't get through.
- Did I win?
- No, it's not that simple!
No! Wait, wait!
You're too late! I've got
the right answer! Ha ha!
I don't need the right answer!
I got this!
And what's that?
This, Mr. Track Star,
is a homemade explosive device!
A bomb?
MYRON: Yes, in layman's terms,
a bomb! So back up!
You built a bomb?
I didn't have to build a bomb.
These things
come through the mail.
I just kept one in case
I ever needed it.
So give me the doll,
or I'll blow up this place!
Are you out of your mind?
Put this thing away!
- It's not worth it!
- It is to me, so back up!
Myron! Come on, old buddy.
Give me the package, all right?
MYRON: Did you call me buddy?
HOWARD: Yeah.
MYRON: I'm not your buddy!
I wanted to be your friend!
But no! You had other plans
for Myron Larabee!
I had no plans.
You were no different
than those civilians,
those letter writers who laugh
at my knee socks and safari hat.
]Whimpering]
Are you laughing at me?
Oh, no! Lord, no!
Not at all!
MYRON: Mr. Ponytail Man,
I know your kind!
You put the trash can
in front of the mailbox...
so I have to get out of my jeep!
- No, not true! I recycle!
- Shut up!
MYRON: The window's there
so I can just put the mail in.
But you act like
everything's OK!
'Hey, Mr. Mailman! ' Like I have
no feelings of my own!
- Hit the deck!
- Aah!
]Music box plays
'Jingle Bells']
Ooh! Ooh!
]Sighs]
MYRON: Look, I'm sorry.
It's the pressure
of Zip-Plus-Four.
Don't hit me! I got sickle cell!
MAN: Excuse me, gentlemen!
Are you under the impression...
that I have a Turbo Man doll
here in the studio?
MYRON: You said so on the radio.
MAN: Oh, no!
HOWARD: You did.
MAN: No.
What I actually said
was whoever won...
would get a doll eventually.
Ha ha! You see,
what we have here...
is a gift certificate.
- A gift certificate!
- Right!
]AII shouting]
As soon as they get
some in the stores...
]Sirens approaching]
HOWARD: Did you call the cops?
MAN: Well, kind of.
MYRON: Let's go!
But I'm going first!
Heh heh heh!
MYRON:
Better luck next time, loser.
MAN: Freeze!
MYRON: Hey! Hey, hey!
Can't stay out of trouble,
can you?
You wouldn't hurt
a fellow civil servant.
What's with this violence?
It's Christmas.
I was just delivering...
Hey! Back up! This is
a homemade explosive device!
I'll blow it up!
I work for the post office,
so you know I'm not stable!
Tell them!
- This man is totally insane.
- Thank you.
Now put the guns down. Now!
Brother, man,
put your gun down!
Everybody!
You, too, Barnaby Jones!
]Drops gun]
All right, just stay there.
I'll know if you move.
I have the ears of a snake!
Ciao, baby!
You shouldn't mess with that.
Relax, Sparky.
I was on the bomb squad
for years.
]Sniffing]
MYRON: I'm the man!
Gentlemen... we've been duped.
]Collective sigh]
This is nothing but a harmless
Christmas package.
]Explosion]
That was really a bomb?
This is a sick world
we're living in! Sick people!
]Coughing]
How long on the bomb squad?
]Singing]
Let ev'ry heart
Prepare him room
And heav'n and nature sing
And heav'n and nature sing
And heav'n and heav'n
and nature sing
Joy to the world
Thanks a lot.
That son of a...
What are you doing?
TED: Your star wasn't up.
You've got to have your star up.
HOWARD: I'm out all day...
and he's in my house...
putting up my star on my tree.
TED:
I got a Turbo Man for Johnny.
It's nestled safely
under our tree...
]Echoing]
Nestled safely under our tree...
I'll show him. Ha!
Oh, I'm sorry, Ted,
but that's Howard's job.
He always puts the star on.
He's adamant about it.
He's not adamant...
about spending time with
his family on Christmas Eve.
]Train whistle blows]
DOLL: It's turbo time!
]Liz sighs]
Liz, do you hear that?
Carolers!
Let's go! Come on!
CAROLERS SINGING:
We wish you a merry Christmas
We wish you a merry Christmas
and a happy new year
HOWARD: The back door.
CAROLERS SINGING:
Wherever you are
Good tidings for Christmas
and a happy new year
Now, bring us
some figgy pudding
Now, bring us
some figgy pudding
Now, bring us
some figgy pudding
HOWARD: What am I doing?
Look at me.
Stealing from a kid?
I can't do this.
You're going to go back.
]Snort]
Nice doggy.
]Grr]
Nice.
]Crash]
]Beep beep]
No!
Now, bring us
some figgy pudding
Now, bring us
some figgy pudding
Aah!
Balthazar.
- Howard?
- Hi.
Uh-oh. Uh!
LIZ: What are you doing?
HOWARD: I, uh...
LIZ: What's that?
HOWARD: Oh!
DOLL: You can always
count on me.
TED: That is Johnny's Turbo Man.
- What?
- It's not what you think it is.
LIZ: It isn't? Really?
What is it?
As far as I know,
you got Jamie
a Turbo Man weeks ago.
It looks like you've broken
into our neighbor's house...
and you're stealing presents!
Just give me a second,
then I could explain it.
Parts of this are going to sound
completely ridiculous.
Let me tell you the truth.
I've listened to you
for far too long now,
and honestly,
I don't want to anymore.
I want to salvage
what's left of Christmas Eve...
and go to the parade
with my son.
Liz, please.
- Ted, would you drive us?
- Of course.
You can't bench-press
your way out of this.
]Grr]
You picked the wrong day.
]Moaning]
You started it.
JAMIE: Do you think Dad
will be at the parade?
I wouldn't count on it.
JOHNNY: Turbo Man's
gonna be there.
You can count on him.
Rudolph, can I buy you
another round?
]Burps]
Here.
Sorry, buddy,
but you're on your own.
It's time I start
keeping my promises.
]Playing 'Jingle Bells']
MAN: It's that time
of year again...
the th annual
Holiday Wintertainment Parade.
I'm weatherman Gale Force...
here with the lovely Liza Tisch
of 'A.M. Live.'
Merry Christmas, Gale.
We're high atop channel 's
parade central...
to keep you updated on
all this year's parade action.
- Let's watch...
- And listen.
JAMIE: The parade's
already started!
JOHNNY:
Dad, there's Owen and his dad.
Can we stand with them
while you park the car?
JAMIE AND JOHNNY:
Yeah, please? Please?
TED: OK. We'll meet you there.
JOHNNY: Yeah!
LIZ: And don't go wandering off.
JAMIE: OK, Mom.
LIZ: Jamie, wear your hat.
JAMIE: I know.
JOHNNY AND JAMIE: Owen! Owen!
OWEN'S FATHER:
All right, kids. Come on.
JAMIE: Oh, wow! Check it out!
JOHNNY: You see Turbo Man?
JAMIE: Naw.
They're saving him for last.
JOHNNY: Ah.
JOHNNY: Ooh! This is awesome.
Cat In The Hat!
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
HOWARD: Take Fourth Street.
CABBIE: The roads are packed.
Everybody's going to the parade.
- Turbo Man's gonna be there.
- I know.
Liz, I'm sorry you had to
go through that back there.
Here. Have some
nonalcoholic eggnog.
Oh. I'll be fine.
You can't hide your
feelings from me.
Let it out.
Get it out of your system.
No, really, Ted. I'm OK.
I don't think so.
Liz, you're like a lost
and frightened foal.
I can see it in your eyes.
Don't worry.
Ted's here.
That's... very sweet.
- You deserve better, Lizzie.
- Lizzie?
Someone you can talk to.
A shoulder to cry on.
It's useless, Liz.
We can't hide our feelings
any longer.
Feelings?
TED: I don't have to tell you,
I'm a very eligible bachelor.
Women would give anything
to be in your position now.
Well, I'm a lucky,
lucky girl.
For me,
it all started months ago...
at your Labor Day barbecue.
Remember?
And you asked me how
to marinate ahi tuna,
and I said all you need
is Italian salad dressing.
Aah! You!
OFFICER: Stop that man!
Enough talking.
Ow!
Well, that didn't exactly
go as well as I'd hoped.
MAN: You! Who are you?
- Are you the guy?
- Huh?
MAN: Thank God.
We got him, people!
Listen up. We're running late,
so pay attention.
You read the instruction manual
we sent you.
You know about
the important controls.
Here are a couple
of the changes.
There are three cutoff valves
to the nitrofuel.
HOWARD: What are you...
MAN: The normal reading
on the pressure gauge...
should read below
not like we told you earlier.
The emergency cutoff switch
is here.
The primary controls
are going to be right here.
There's a microphone
inside the helmet...
that will alter your voice
to the proper tonality.
Procedure wise, it's like
we discussed over the phone.
- Procedure?
- There shouldn't be problems.
- Ouestions?
- Yes.
Let me just take a moment
and speak for everyone...
when I thank you
for filling in for Pete.
It was a total freak accident
what happened at rehearsal.
We got the kinks
worked out of it.
The doctor said Pete showed
brain activity this morning.
That's a really good sign.
Move it out, people!
MAN: Finally!
Where the hell have you been?
I've been sweating like a dog
in a Chinese restaurant...
waiting for your sorry ass
to show up.
Well... it's show time.
HOWARD:
I know you. You're Booster.
BOOSTER: Who do you think
you are... Mary Poppins?
MAN: Come on!
Let's go! Let's do it!
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
HOWARD: Wait.
MAN: Have a great show.
LIZA: Now for the moment
you've been waiting for,
here he is.
Live and in person,
Turbo Man!
Wow.
BOOSTER: Wave, you idiot! Wave!
HOWARD: Wave?
Yes.
This is cool. Ha ha!
JOHNNY: Yeah! Whoo!
JAMIE: Mom! It's Turbo Man!
LIZ: Ha ha ha!
I can get into this.
GALE: Turbo Man will select
a child from our audience.
LIZA: That child
will be the winner...
of a special edition
Turbo Man doll.
JOHNNY: Aw, man! Awesome!
JOHNNY: Aw, man! Awesome!
BOOSTER: Hey! You're supposed
to be holding this!
Oh?
Ahh.
HOWARD: Yes! Yes!
BOOSTER: Hey, rock star?
HOWARD: Yeah?
BOOSTER: Be on your toes.
Dementor will be jumping
on the float soon.
Wha... Aah!
BOOSTER: Oh, what's he doing?
Would you pick a kid already?
Pick a kid?
BOOSTER: Pick a kid so he can
come up here and get his prize!
Pick me, Turbo Man!
Over here!
Pick me! Pick me!
JOHNNY: Over here!
JAMIE: He's looking at me.
JOHNNY: He's looking at me.
JAMIE: He's pointing at me.
JOHNNY: Naw, it's me!
JAMIE: Me!
JOHNNY: Me!
JAMIE: Me!
JOHNNY: Me!
Jamie!
He knows my name.
GALE: Turbo Man
has selected a winner.
Go ahead. Go ahead, honey. Go.
Go, Jamie!
Merry Christmas, Jamie.
JOHNNY: Whoo!
JAMIE: Wow.
How did you know my name?
Well, Jamie, you see,
I'm your fa...
LIZA: Oh, no, kids!
It's Turbo Man's archenemy
Dementor!
]Audience booing]
Aw, shut up! Shut up!
GALE: Was that scripted?
All right, kid. Give me
the doll, and nobody gets hurt.
Myron?
That's right, Turtle Man.
Thought you could outsmart me,
didn't you?
Thought your little
suit idea was so slick.
I'm one step ahead of you
because I've got a bigger brain.
HOWARD: Just stay here.
Come on, Myron.
You're taking this too far.
I'm not going home
without that doll!
BOOSTER: This ain't the way
we rehearsed it!
You know what?
Nobody likes you, Booster.
BOOSTER: Ooh! Whoa!
- We don't like you!
- We hate you, Booster!
]Gasps]
MYRON:
Where are you going, kid?
Come back here,
my little pretty,
and your little doll, too!
HOWARD:
Hey, Myron! Leave the kid alone!
Ta-ta, Turtle Man.
LIZ: Boo! Boo!
Ha ha ha!
GALE: It looks like Dementor
has beaten Turbo Man.
LIZA: This could be the end
of civilization as we know it.
JAMIE: Do something,
Turbo Man!
Use your turbo disc!
On your arm!
Hey, Myron! I have
a special delivery for you.
- Huh?
- Hah!
Yeah!
Ha ha ha!
LIZA: It appears that Turbo Man
has saved the day.
HOWARD: I'm going to take you
back to your mom, OK?
DEMON TEAM: Demon team!
GALE: It's the Demon Team...
Dementor's evil henchmen!
Whatcha gonna do now, kid?
JAMIE: Hyah!
MYRON: Oh!
]Squealing]
HOWARD: What about my son?
DEMON: Follow the choreography!
JAMIE: Mom!
LIZ: Jamie!
MYRON: I ain't done, kid!
MYRON: Get out my way, box!
BOX: Oh!
MYRON: Come here!
I'm sorry I hollered!
Get out of my way!
Get out of my way!
Come here, boy!
Get that popcorn out of my face!
Come on!
Kid, you need a time-out.
LIZ: Jamie!
OFFICER: It's just a show.
Get back on the sidewalk.
LIZ: That's my son!
OFFICER: He's wonderful!
LIZ: He's not part of the show!
MYRON: I'm scared of heights.
You see the movie Vertigo?
That mean anything to you?
DEMON: Get this guy!
What are you doing? Aah!
MYRON:
Uncle Myron wants to talk.
All right, kid! End of the line!
Give me the doll!
Never!
Oh!
LIZA: Fly! Fly, Turbo Man!
Use your jet pack!
It's turbo time!
Wow!
Whoa!
Aah!
]Boom]
Aah!
HOWARD: I think I'm getting
the hang of this!
Turbo Man! Help!
HOWARD: Jamie! I got you!
Jamie! Uh.
HOWARD: Oh. Out of my way!
WOMAN: Let us pray.
What the...
Whoa!
MYRON: I got you, kid.
Aah!
Aah!
MYRON: Give me the doll, kid!
JAMIE: Turbo Man,
use your turbo-rang!
Come on!
MYRON:
Ha ha! Missed me! Ha ha ha!
- Oh!
- Ha ha! Victory is mine!
Ha ha ha! V-i-c-t-o-r-y!
Ooh!
Aah!
Yeah!
Wow!
I got it! I got one!
I finally got one!
- Turbo Man! Help!
- Jamie!
JAMIE: Aah!
HOWARD: Gotcha!
JOHNNY: Yes!
JAMIE: Thanks, Turbo Man.
I knew you'd save me.
HOWARD:
You can always count on me.
]Cheering]
Awesome!
HOWARD: Here you go, ma'am.
Mom! Did you see?
I flew with Turbo Man!
He saved me from Dementor!
It was the coolest!
Did you see? Did you?
LIZ: I saw. I saw.
Thank you. I don't think you
know how much he means to me.
Oh, I think I have an idea.
What's the matter, Jame?
It's just, I wish that Dad
could have been here, you know?
To see me fly and all.
But he didn't come,
and it's all my fault.
He's mad at me.
We had a fight on the phone,
and I kind of yelled at him.
HOWARD: Jamie,
your dad is not mad at you.
He loves you more than anything
in the whole, wide world.
You're his all-time
favorite person.
How do you know all that?
Well, who would know
better than me?
- Dad?
- Howard?
Right here.
- Howard!
- Oh, Liz...
you two mean more to me
than anything.
I'm sorry I haven't
shown that lately.
I know I've been neglecting
both of you,
but no more.
I love you.
I love you both.
TED:
Johnny, what's going on here?
JOHNNY:
Look! Jamie's dad is Turbo Man!
TED: Let's get out of here.
JOHNNY: You smell like barf!
OFFICER: Young man... I have
something that belongs to you.
- Thanks!
- You're welcome.
And as for you, Turbo Man,
we could use you on the force.
Thanks. I'll keep that in mind.
Oh, I'm sorry about the bike...
and the coffee...
and the bus...
and, uh, the bomb.
MYRON: I had it! I had it
right here in my hands!
What will I tell my son
Christmas morning?
- How will I look him in the eye?
- Wait.
MYRON: I had it, man.
JAMIE: Wait.
Merry Christmas.
Wow. Wow.
- But...
- Hey, thank you. Thank you.
You know, this is going to
make my son really happy.
I'm sorry about that little
tension we had on the roof.
JAMIE: Hey, it's cool.
But, Jamie, I thought you wanted
this doll more than anything.
I don't need the doll. I got
the real Turbo Man at home.
Oh!
That... that's my husband.
CROWD: Turbo Man! Turbo Man!
That's my dad! That's my dad!
BRIAN SETZER SINGING:
Jingle bells
Jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a ' Chevrolet
Jingle bells
Jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh
Dashing through the snow
In a one-horse open sleigh
Over those fields we go
Laughing all the way
Bells on bobtails ring
Making spirits bright
What fun it is to ride and sing
a sleighing song tonight
Oh, jingle bells
J-jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a ' Chevrolet
Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh
Ow!
Hey!
Dashing through the snow
In a one-horse open sleigh
Over those fields we go
Laughing, laughing,
laughing, laughing
Bells on bobtail ring
Making those spirits bright
What fun it is to ride and sing
a sleighing song tonight
Ow!
Jingle bells
Jingle, jingle,
jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a ' Chevrolet
Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse
Open
Sleigh
LOU RAWLS SINGING: So they say
it's Christmastime again
The calendar says December
But it's wrong
'Cause Christmas is the time
When lovers pray divine
And people are meeting
and two hearts are beating
So they say
it's Christmastime, I know
But I'll just keep pretending
until they go
'Cause if they say
it's Christmas
I'll think you're here with me
If they say
it's Christmastime again
I wonder when your
Christmas card will come
I'll bet it's that
same old winter one
Where people are happy
And full of that joy
The spirit of giving
and loving and living
So you know when
Christmas rolls around
I just can't help
but feeling kind of down
'Cause you're my Christmastime
You're who I'm thinking of
When they say it's
Christmastime, my love
Christmastime, my love
It's Christmastime
So you know when Christmas
rolls around
I just can't help
but feeling kind of down
'Cause you're my Christmastime
The one I'm thinking of
When they say it's
Christmastime, my love
It's Christmastime
My love
It's Christmastime, my love
It's Christmastime
Christmastime, my love
Christmastime, my love
LIZ: Yay!
HOWARD:
Look at that! There it is.
JAMIE: Voila!
LIZ: Beautiful!
JAMIE: Perfecto!
Howard, I've been thinking.
Everything that you went through
today for Jamie...
really shows how much
you love him.
And, uh,
and if you're willing...
to go through all of that
for him just for a present,
well, that makes me wonder.
What?
What did you get me?