Voila! Finally, the Junior
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Arnold
Schwarzenegger and Emma Thompson movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Junior. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
Hello, there's--
There's a baby here.
There must be a mother. Hello!
There's a baby!
Help!
Hello? ls anybody here?
Miscarriage-prone female reproductive
system is merely an extension...
of the body's natural and necessary
instincts to reject foreign matter.
Just two drops. The body mistakenly
identifies the embryo...
as an unwanted foreign substance...
and creates antibodies
to fight and reject it.
From this equation comes
the idea for the drug, Expectane...
which acts to neutralize
the interfering antibodies...
and promote successful
embryo attachment.
Minnie here had
a history of miscarriages.
As a result of our treatments...
she's now in her
seventh month of pregnancy.
She takes cc's of Expectane
three times a day.
- Hey, Keith.
- Good morning.
- Ned.
- Larry. Hey, big day.
- Are you nervous?
- F.D.A.? Piece of cake.
- Sign those plan documents, will ya?
- All right.
Hello, Louise.
Hello, everybody.
Mrs. Parrish is in one
for a second trimester sonogram.
You have an initial consultation
with the Lanzarottas...
and Mrs. Logan's here
for a final.
Okay. Bagel, please.
Thank you.
- Hello.
- Oh, Doctor.
- l'm ready to explode.
- Oh, not here, you're not.
- Perfect. Just one more month.
- Yes.
- Get new blood and urine samples.
- Blood and urine samples.
Dr. Hesse, good luck
with the F.D.A.
Luck is for the ill-prepared.
- Car's waiting out front.
- Thank you.
l had them check
the traffic reports.
And the big dweeb?
He and Mr. Banes will
meet you downtown. Good luck.
ln testing the drug on chimpanzees
with a history of miscarriages...
l found conclusively that in every
instance the side effects observed...
were consistent with the behavioral
and metabolic changes in subjects...
with normal
unmedicated pregnancies:
nausea, mood swings, appetite
fluctuation, irritability, morning--
Typical lambchop's-got-a-bun-in-the-oven
type behavior.
This drug works.
Madam Chairperson,
ladies and gentlemen...
we respectfully request
the Board's approval...
to carry on into
an invasive human protocol.
Thank you.
You got to let us try this
on real women.
Women in need. Our sisters.
- Our daughters--
- Dr. Arbogast.
lf you could see the couples
that come into my office.
- Their pain and frustration is genuine.
- Dr. Arbogast.
Ma'am?
This is an F.D.A. hearing,
not a telethon.
We have all
the information we need.
Thank you.
As director of Leland University's
Biotechnology Research Program...
l thank you on behalf of my esteemed
colleagues for your consideration.
Let's go, gentlemen.
- Thank you very much.
- Thank you.
That went pretty good, huh?
l'm sure
you'll be very comfortable here.
We have all the latest videocassettes,
the current magazines.
Uh, give it to Louise
when you're finished.
l'm sure you'll be
very comfortable.
Just relax and enjoy it.
That's the ticket.
Dr. Arbogast?
Your wife-- l'm sorry,
your ex-wife's in your office.
- She says she needs to talk to you.
- What?
- Yeah. ln there.
- ln--
You're doing great.
See you in a month. How ya doin'?
- Oh, hi.
- Angela, what are you doin' here?
Larry, l've got something
really important to talk to you about.
- You might wanna sit down.
- l'm busy, Angela.
l'm pregnant, Larry.
Really? Well, that's--
That's wonderful.
How long?
Oh, seven weeks,
give or take.
The Kelman wedding.
The night of the Kelman wedding.
- Yeah, that's the only time we did it--
- No.
He was in and out
of my life very quickly.
Not quickly enough, apparently.
- He who?
- lt's not important.
You sure it's not mine?
Larry, come on.
After all the years we tried...
l don't think it's going
to happen one night by accident.
Thought maybe one of mine could have
bribed his way in or something.
So, what do you want
from me, Angela?
l want you to be my doctor.
Thank you very much,
Angela, but l--
Even if l wanted to,
l couldn't. We're related.
- Not since the divorce.
- Dr. Arbogast.
- Dr. Arbogast.
- ln a minute!
No. That's final.
l'll ask Ned
if he's got any room.
lf there's anybody
better than me, it's Ned.
l'm sorry. Noah Banes is on one.
He says it's important.
Ned Sneller? Forget it.
He looks at me, Larry.
Banes. l'm on my way.
Banes. l'm on my way.
All right, gentlemen.
What seems to be the trouble?
They've jammed the lock.
Dr. Hesse?
Dr. Hesse?
This is totally unacceptable behavior.
- Open this door, now.
- l will miss you most of all.
Pop the hinges.
Banes. What's going on?
Dr. Arbogast, good news
and bad news, l'm afraid.
F.D.A. decision,
wicked bad news.
- They turned us down?
- l'm afraid so.
And the review board
has terminated your project.
l'm sorry, but you know, lab space
is tight, and money's even tighter.
- They canceled the project.
- Please, Banes.
l got grand in this drug.
You got to cut me some slack.
Would that l could, but it's out
of my hands. Blame the review board.
You're head of the board.
Yes, l am.
Rock and a hard place.
So what's the good news?
Well--
l really hate to dance on your grave.
But l landed Dr. Diana Reddin
and her ovum cryogenics project.
l need you to be
extremely careful with this.
- Lady, if l hear that one more time--
- They're very fragile.
l've just got to set
the level for the incliners.
- Hey, don't touch that!
- You shouldn't be up there!
Stop! No!
Help me! Help me!
Help me now!
- Oh! My babies!
- Out of the way!
Thank you.
Thank you.
That's not necessary--
Get off me.
Sorry.
Thank you so very much.
Leave me alone.
- Dr. Reddin? Are you all right?
- Yes.
l'm fine. Thank you.
- No harm done.
- No.
Are they--
Okay, let me just check these.
Thank God.
They're all right.
They're all right.
Frozen eggs, huh?
Yes. l call it
the dairy section.
lf it weren't for
the lightning reflexes of--
Where is he? He's gone.
- Hesse!
- Dr. Hesse has left the building.
Wait. lt's his--
lt's his laboratory, isn't it?
- Was.
- You like it?
Yes. But l don't want
to displace anybody.
Oh, you won't be,
l promise.
Take the chimps back to the primate lab.
We won't be needing them anymore.
Where ya goin'?
l'm going back to Europe
to start over.
You're running out on me? l don't
believe this. What are you doin'?
We're partners.
You can't just up and leave.
We're not partners anymore. l have
no lab, no funding, no future here.
Wait a minute. What about all the people
you'd be leaving behind?
What about your girlfriend?
What's her name again?
- l don't have a girlfriend.
- You're better off.
How about your colleagues?
l happen to know for a fact...
that your skill and dedication
is an inspiration to everybody.
They'd be lost without you.
They will find someone else
to mimic over coffee in the lounge.
That's not true.
They don't do that.
- Come on.
- l'm not well liked.
- l like ya.
- No, you don't.
l talked to my guy at Lyndon
Pharmaceutical, that Canadian firm.
- Larry. Good-bye.
- They'll give us additional funding...
provided we find a volunteer
for an Expectane protocol.
Can't do the protocol
without F.D.A. approval.
We can if we don't
tell the F.D.A.
Are we going to let a bunch
of Washington bureaucrats...
stand in the way of progress?
What woman will take an unapproved
drug while she's pregnant?
Who says we need a woman?
What are you talking about?
The experiment wouldn't have
to identify the subject's sex.
Just the human tissue reactives.
Remember Moe?
The monkey?
He went five months to term.
- You mean to do the test on a man?
- Why not?
Are you allergic to anything?
To me? You're nuts.
Boarding pass.
- Boarding pass?
- l don't have a boarding pass.
Only ticketed passengers
with boarding passes beyond this point.
Hear me out!
Sir, l need your ticket.
- Gate B to Paris.
- Quick. Thank you very much.
Pardon me. Excuse me.
Sorry. Excuse me. Pardon me.
Oh, my God.
You wouldn't be pregnant pregnant.
Sort of a guest host situation.
We fertilize the egg.
We implant it in
the peritoneal cavity.
Dose it with Expectane.
Tiny thing, grain of rice.
You carry it the first trimester.
We get our data. Boom, it's over.
Four ''A.''
To your left.
''F.''
All the way back.
l'm gonna just go--
l guess l was wrong
about you, Hesse.
l took you for a scientist.
- l am a scientist.
- Yeah?
Where's your vision?
Jenner infected himself
with smallpox to test his vaccine.
- That's Jenner.
- So why not you?
ls it possible?
Who knows?
Natural? So what?
Good science? You bet.
Come and claim your place
in the pantheon.
You're just trying
to manipulate me.
Yes, l am. So what?
Excuse me, sir. l'm gonna have
to ask you to take your seat.
Yeah, all right.
Just a second.
Look, cards on the table.
l don't like you
any more than you like me.
You got all the warmth
and charm of a walleyed pike.
lf we weren't partners--
But the point is,
we are partners.
We're on the verge
of something fantastic.
Something important.
l need you to carry it through
with me.
- This could really work.
- Yes, it could.
- Are you sure you can find an egg?
- No problem.
Okay, who's the lucky one?
''Junior''?
Okay, Junior, let's go for a ride.
God. Dr. Arbogast.
- Dr. Reddin, what are you doin' here?
- Where?
l don't know-- What?
Where am l?
Oh, the lab. Good. Excellent.
My lab. My lab.
So... what brings you here?
lt's like...
when a ball player gets traded...
and he goes out
into the ballpark.
He comes back and--
You know, just...
alone with his thoughts.
Just to memorize the turf...
the infield...
the angles of the light.
What?
-You got a piece of cheese.
- lt's from my sandwich.
So what are you doing in this lab?
- Oh, l'm-- Here, right over there.
- Oh, thanks.
Actually, l'm--
l see you kept Minnie and Moe.
- Oh, yes, Minnie and Moe.
- Kept them.
l could hardly turn out
an expectant mother, could l?
- No. Well, Alex will be very happy.
- Good.
'Cause l get the feeling that Dr. Hesse
blames me for the loss of his facility.
He did take it kind of hard.
l'd hate to see his work go unfinished
because of budget constraints.
Would you tell him that
l'd be more than happy to help out...
with lab time and materials,
even some space...
if-- l don't know what you think--
he might be amenable to sharing.
That would be
extremely generous...
and more helpful
than you can imagine.
So... is there a Mr. Dr. Reddin?
Who?
No.
Sorry.
Maybe we could
have dinner sometime.
- No.
- No.
- Your back?
- Yeah, back.
- So--
- You're off.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Thanks for coming.
- Okay.
Way to go.
This is it.
Terrific motility.
- Excellent count.
- Let me see.
Strong swimmers. Big load.
Way to go.
: a.m. Subject takes
cc's Expectane...
supplemented with
milligrams of progesterone...
two milligrams of estrogen.
Salud.
- So how's the Expectane taste?
- Bitter.
Well, we'll add some flavoring
when we market it.
Good idea.
All right. Let's find the spot.
All right, let's see.
Peritoneal cavity.
Let's see here.
That looks like a good,
clear window right there.
There's plenty of room to hold
the embryo through the first trimester.
- A little lower.
- Yeah.
- Right over here.
- That's it.
All right.
Let's put a bun in your oven.
Where did you get
the egg, by the way?
The egg?
Colleague of mine.
An anonymous harvest.
Had a couple of spares.
Just relax.
Here we go. Yeah.
Navigatin'.
Mama.
Larry? Larry!
What, what, what? Hi.
- Where am l?
- This is my house.
You're staying with me
during the protocol, remember?
Let's see how you are.
l forgot.
Here. Put that
under your tongue.
This your bedroom?
No, it's my ex-wife's bedroom.
Cheery, huh?
She decorated it herself.
She had taste. Give her that.
You had separate bedrooms?
No. We didn't always
have separate bedrooms.
Good. There are many stops
along the road to divorce.
Blood pressure's good.
Let's check this out.
Normal. Very good.
- l have to pee.
- l need that too. Here.
Fill 'er up.
We're gonna do the tests at : a.m.
and again at : p.m.
l got a prenatal monitor
and a blood screener ordered up.
Do you mind?
Can l have some privacy?
You know, it was really nice
of Dr. Reddin to let us share her lab.
l'll go there to analyze
and collate the fluid samples.
All right. Sounds good.
That should be enough.
All right now, this watch is set
to go off every four hours...
to remind you to
take the Expectane.
What do you think?
Six times a day should do it.
That should do it.
Let's see how we did.
l must be crazy
to be doing this.
You may be crazy,
but you're also pregnant.
Congratulations.
l'm pregnant.
So embryo three is entering
its two-to-four stage.
Today we'll be extracting
an eight-cell cluster...
and freezing it...
for induced suspension
and development arrest.
- Dr. Hesse? Can l get you anything?
- l'm looking for any...
cryogenic disruption
to the D.N.A. footprints.
- He's fine.
- Good. Excellent.
- Let's get on with it, okay?
- What about this?
- Here to see the new mama!
- Oh, hi, Dr. Arbogast.
- Hi!
- Banana, they'll love it.
Mother and daughter are doing fine.
She's a pretty baby.
Oh, looks just like you.
Got your ears.
You like that?
You can eat it.
Don't you want to eat it? Yeah.
Hey, big guy, how they swingin'?
- What's the matter? You okay?
- Yeah.
What, what?
Look, my H.C.G. levels
aren't where they should be.
Let's up the hormone supplement
five milliliters.
How you feelin' otherwise?
l just can't keep
anything down.
That's morning sickness.
lt'll pass. Eat crackers.
My nipples are very sensitive.
What?
My nipples--
They feel like, kind of, tingling.
- Tingling like sore or like itchy?
- You surf?
Surf, 'cause l got that
a lot from paddling out.
lt's something about the wax
and the salt water. lt irritates them.
- You get what?
- His nipples are tingling.
- l don't surf.
- lt could be your laundry detergent.
l used to get that when
l used a non-biodegradable soap.
Thank you very much for your concern.
lt's very nice.
Or it could be
that polyester shirt.
l don't know how much more
of this l can handle.
You're doin' great. l talked
to my guy at Lyndon this morning.
They saw the initial data.
They are ecstatic.
l'm gonna meet with their C.E.O. at the
convention in San Francisco next month.
What? Cramps?
Come on. Get up.
Let's go walk it off. Let's go.
Let's go.
Look, l don't want to cut back
the hormones altogether.
lt'll jeopardize the protocol.
A tingle and tummy ache won't kill ya.
- Okay.
- Dr. Hesse!
- Boy, here she comes.
- Excuse me.
- Excuse me.
- Just what we need.
l know this is none of my business.
l can't help but notice
the lethargy, the nausea...
the little vials you keep
leaving in the wastepaper basket.
Yes?
Do you have
a substance abuse problem?
- What?
- No!
There's nothing to be ashamed of.
l was involved in a study...
in Oxford where it was categoric--
This is serious. l'm very concerned.
lt's been going on for nearly a month,
and l think he should see someone.
There is a tragic disease
that afflicts the men...
of his village in Austria.
They even named it after the place.
lt's called,
''Gelandensprung Syndrome.''
- Gelandensprung?
- Yeah.
- You've heard of it?
- No.
l'm not surprised. lt's endemic
to only a few places in all the world.
Well, what is it?
lt's a terrible, debilitating...
relentless, you know,
kind of--
Fatness.
- Fatness.
- Fatness?
Striking young men in their prime,
turning them into big...
- wheezing--
- Strudelhunds.
- Strudelhunds.
- Strudelhunds?
Pastry hounds.
Yeah, that's the...
insult that they hurl upon them.
l'm gonna go get you
some crackers, because...
it'll head off trouble
that's approaching.
He's gonna be all right.
- Banes!
- But you're not fat.
Oh, because l'm taking
a new formula.
l've only nine more weeks
of the protocol.
lt's funny how you don't appreciate
somebody until they're gone.
l'm not gone. You're gone.
What do you want to talk about?
lt's about our contract.
You got a couple of minutes?
Not really.
l really need to talk to you.
l feel so humiliated.
Don't be. People get sick all the time.
There's no need to be ashamed.
l feel like l lost control
over my body.
Control's important
to you, isn't it?
What do you mean?
Same three shirts,
week in, week out.
Same coat peg,
same wash basin.
That odd little ritual with
the liverwurst and apple every day.
l like order.
What's wrong with that?
Nothing.
lt's just an observation.
And l don't like being sick.
ls there anything wrong with that?
No. lt's just that men--
-Men what?
-They're pathetic when it comes to pain.
You should try being a woman sometime.
lt's a nightmare.
Your body goes peculiar with your period
and doesn't stop until menopause.
lt's a lifetime
of leaking and swelling...
and spotting and smears.
Crippling cramps,
raging hormones, yeasts!
And that's if
everything's normal.
- l never wanted to be a woman.
- l'm just saying.
That's perfectly normal.
Not to worry.
Just stay off your feet. Use an ice pack
for a few minutes every hour...
and call me in the morning.
- Larry!
- No, it's okay. That's why l'm here.
- Lar!
- All right. Bye-bye.
Look at this.
Leave 'em alone.
- Don't snap at me.
- Angela, this is my house now.
Larry, you may live here. You may die
here, but this will always be my house.
Floral, houndstooth,
then paisley.
Alex, Angela.
Angela, Alex.
Colleague of mine.
Nice to meet you--
God, excuse me.
Charmed.
- l'm going upstairs to my bedroom.
- Yeah.
He's going through
a confusing time.
l'm letting him stay here
for a couple of weeks.
- So what do you want?
- l don't like Sneller.
Angela, we've been over this.
Ned Sneller is a top, top guy.
He's creepy, Larry.
l'm not goin' back to him.
- You're bein' ridiculous.
- No, l'm not.
l can't deal with this.
Where's the goddamn father?
- l haven't been able to reach him.
- He disappeared?
They're touring. l don't know.
Europe, Asia? l can't remember which.
Who is?
Aerosmith.
One of Aerosmith
knocked you up?
What a lovely phrase, Larry.
Oh, excuse me.
l'm a little shocked here.
- You're gonna have to deal with it.
- l don't have to deal with it.
We're divorced. Remember?
lt's not like l'm asking you
to fix my car.
All right. Call Louise in the morning,
and she'll fit you in.
- Thank you.
- Angela.
l am happy for ya.
Thanks, Lar.
- What's the matter?
- She was daddy's little girl.
Don't the pictures of
your lifetime deserve Kodak film?
- Now he's giving her away.
- Come on.
- Come on. Get a grip.
- Okay.
Physically, you're in tiptop shape.
Everything's right on track.
- All right, one more week. That's it.
- Okay.
l'm sorry. l'm just not myself.
- Just relax. All right?
- Yeah.
Don't wait up for me tonight.
l'm gonna be late.
Why? Where are you going?
To the pharmaceutical convention at
the Hyatt. l'm meeting the Lyndon guys.
- The convention is tonight?
- Yeah. l told you it was tonight.
Oh, Larry, please take me with you.
No. You stay home.
Get back in bed
and just take it easy.
You don't understand.
- l do understand. No!
- Please, listen to me.
- No. lt's bad for business.
- l'm pregnant and all alone.
Will you stop saying that?
You're not pregnant pregnant.
You got to think of this
as an experiment.
Think of it like you swallowed
a piece of gum. A tiny piece. Dentyne.
Look, l won't be in your way.
l'll take walks. l'll disappear.
Please, l feel so isolated.
Oh, all right.
Okay, you can come.
But don't do that thing
with your eyes.
- l can come?
- Yeah.
Oh, Larry.
But l have nothing to wear.
Oh, l'm starting
to get a little headache over here.
l feel we could make
a definite contribution here.
Sounds good.
Excellent. And you got
to remember that we're talking...
about five million prescriptions a year
in the United States minimum.
What's the window on
these human experiments results?
Between you and l, l would say,
definite results within a week.
- That fast?
- Yes.
- We are very impressed. Keep us posted.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Thank you. Yes!
- lnteresting pitch, Larry.
- Banes. What are you doing here?
You know me. l like to keep
my ear to the ground.
You know, of course,
that human experimentation...
is against university
and F.D.A. guidelines.
l'm just trying to raise
a little awareness and some new money...
telling people we're further along
than we really are.
ls there a woman out there
taking Expectane?
Absolutely not.
Larry! Noah! Hi!
- Where have you been?
- l had so much fun.
l had a walk and then the most
wonderful massage in a health club.
l had a great time. Then l took
a nap right there on the table.
Franks in blankets?
Oh, these are my favorites.
Alex, you look...
radiant.
- Thank you.
- We should be going. Let's go.
- Want some franks in the blankets?
- No.
- l'm so sorry.
- No, no, l'm sorry.
lt's a wonder
the woman is still alive.
She looks so beautiful tonight,
don't you think so?
l got it. Thank you.
Thank you very much.
- Where have you been?
- Hello, Dr. Arbogast.
- Long line for the loo.
- Hors d'oeuvres?
Sausage rolls.
Thank you. l love these.
These are my favorites.
You look so--
l don't know. Enthusiastic.
Yes, you do. You look positively lit up.
What's the good news?
- No good news!
- Life, music and friends.
- Franks in the blankets. l love it.
- l think we should be going.
Let's go.
We should go.
Going, going, always going...
and one day, gone.
Poof... just like that.
When we should be pausing to hear
the joyful melody of life itself.
He doesn't get out much.
Neither do l.
l've got you
Under my skin
- l always loved this song.
- Oh, no.
Would you like to dance?
l don't know how.
l've never danced before either.
- Then, l think we should give it a try.
- Good.
- Could you hold this? Thank you.
- Thank you.
Where you goin'?
l've got you
Under my skin
l tried so
Not to give in
l said to myself
This affair never will go
So well
But why should l try to resist
When, darling l know so well
l've got you
Okay?
- All right.
- Under my skin
l'd sacrifice anything
come what might
For the sake of having you near
ln spite of a warning voice
That comes in the night
And repeats and repeats in my ear
Don't you know, little fool
You never can win
Use your mentality
Wake up to reality
But each time l do
just the thought of you
Makes me stop
Before l begin
- Excuse me. l found it.
- 'Cause l've got you
- Under my skin
- Thank you.
Under my skin
Under my skin
Prince Charming,
the coach is leaving.
Right. Yes.
Thank you.
l enjoyed that very much.
l loved it. Let's do it again.
Good night.
Now, what is takin' so long?
They lost it, l know.
What good is havin' a ticket?
What are you doin'?
What are you-- Come over here.
- What are you doing?
- Feel how soft my skin is.
lt's time.
We're closin' out the experiment.
Banes is sniffin' around...
and your hormone surges
are gettin' out of control.
But there's still a week left
until the trimester is over.
We have plenty of data.
The Lyndon guys are poised.
l don't wanna risk
anything goin' wrong.
Come on.
What?
l can't help but wonder
what it would be like.
What what would be like?
To have my baby.
That's it. We're closin' out
the experiment tonight.
Now. Get in the car. Come on.
''To have my baby.''
''Feel how soft my skin is.''
Where'd you go, to France
to get the car or somethin'?
- l never realized how lonely l was.
- Get a dog!
What are you so gloomy about?
Come on. The experiment worked.
With Moe, l tapered off
the dosage gradually.
To aid his system
with the hormonal rebalancing.
No. You go cold turkey.
You may have a couple of rocky days, but
l don't want to risk any complications.
Just stop taking the Expectane.
The embryo will break down...
and be reabsorbed
naturally into your body.
Home sweet home.
So, l'll get all the data
over to the guys at Lyndon.
And l'll be in touch with you
as soon as l hear anything, okay?
Okay.
- lf you have any reaction, call me.
- Sure.
All right. So--
l don't know if
you're a boy or a girl...
so l'll call you Junior.
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday
dear Alex
Happy birthday to you
What a surprise.
How did you know?
- We looked it up in your file.
- Did you bake this?
- Stop that. Really.
- Did you bake this yourself?
- The ingredients mutated a bit.
- Happy birthday, big guy.
All right!
Alex, you're sweating like
a racehorse. You all right?
- lt's hot in here.
- No, it's not.
- l'm really hot.
- What? You got a fever?
l did not forget the ice cream.
You think you're the first clown
who ever woke up one day and said...
''l'm bored.
l think l'll have a kid.''
l didn't say that.
Why are you being so negative?
Hello? Anybody home?
You're a guy, Alex.
This is totally against the
natural order. Guys do not have babies.
We leave that to the women. That's part
of the beauty of bein' a guy.
Didn't your father
ever have this talk with you?
lf you don't want to help me, say so.
l don't need a lecture.
The hell you don't.
lf you could feel for one minute the
sense of absolute joy and connection...
that carrying your baby brings,
you would understand.
Listen to you. Have you lost it
completely? Now, come inside.
lf l carry this baby to term,
it will be a miracle.
Shut up!
l would love, protect and nurture
that miracle with everything l've got.
- Stop it!
- No! l want my baby!
Sorry l'm late.
We'll just be a couple of minutes,
then l'm ready.
Dr. Arbogast, your ex-wife's inside.
You're late for her appointment.
- Hello, Dr. Hesse.
- Come here, sit down.
- l don't want to sit around here.
- Sit down!
Right here.
There's nothin' to be afraid of.
He thinks he's pregnant.
lt's a very fascinating case.
l'm workin' in conjunction with
the university's psychiatric center.
Auto-physiological suggestion.
- What's goin' on?
- Get in here.
- How ya doin'?
- How are ya? Nice to see ya.
- Oh, you're lookin' good.
- Thanks.
- Okay, you can go.
- That's it?
That's it.
Something very important came up.
- Larry, l'm important.
- You are. Very.
But this is urgent. Just get dressed
and we'll reschedule. Sorry.
So, how far along are you?
Twenty-one weeks.
- ls this your first?
- Yes.
Have you thought
of any names?
Junior if it is a boy.
And if it's a girl... Junior.
Oh, those are nice.
- So, how about you?
- Alex.
Excuse me.
- Good luck.
- Thank you.
- Junior would be good.
- Junior's good.
There's the feet... and the hands.
This can't be happening.
But it is.
Oh, look, that
little string of pearls.
- That's the spine.
- That's the spine, yeah.
There's the head.
My baby.
Listen to this.
That's the heartbeat.
- That's very fast.
- beats a minute.
Perfectly normal.
ln fact, everything's
perfectly normal.
Except for the fact that
the mom is also the dad.
lf this gets out, your life is over.
You're a freak.
My license?
Kiss it good-bye.
lt's not gonna get out.
l know this is unfair to you.
And it's dangerous for both of us,
but l want my baby.
And l need your help.
Okay, but you got to move
back in with me.
l want you off your feet
as much as possible.
- And no goin' to the lab.
- But--
No buts about it.
You're in for a lot of sacrifices.
- You better get used to that.
- Okay.
Okay.
So, otherwise, how you feelin'?
Anything unusual? Jesus,
what the heck am l talkin' about?
''Anything unusual?''
l've noticed that the side effects
of pregnancy are greatly amplified...
with the dosage of Expectane
that l've required.
The morning sickness,
the mood swings.
- Sleepiness, sexual appetite.
- Sexual appetite?
Yesterday, just scooping the middle
out of a honeydew melon gave me a--
- A steifen.
- A what?
Oh. That's normal.
l get 'em all the time.
- Here we go.
- lt's nice to be back.
Yeah. lt's going
to be a lot of fun.
- Do l have the same room again?
- You betcha.
What do you want to do tonight?
Should we stay in or go out for dinner?
Didn't l close down
the Expectane project six months ago?
Yes, sir.
Then why would Diana Reddin's account
show continuing requisitions...
for Expectane components?
ls she up to something
with Arbogast and Hesse?
l don't know, sir.
Larry, l'm not whining.
lt's just that you said
you'd be home no later than : .
lt's : . The pasta is ready.
ln five minutes, they'll be soft.
Well, fine, then come home
whenever you want!
Selfish.
- Diana. Hi.
- Yes, it's me. Hello.
Someone gave me these papers
for you from the lab.
Thank you. Who?
Who?
l'm lying. l'm--
l just-- Actually,
l just wanted to see you.
You did?
- Come in, please.
- Thank you.
l'm sorry l lied.
Oh, what a lovely room!
Very nice of Dr. Arbogast
to put you up.
- lt is.
- Nice man.
How are you?
How are you feeling?
Good. Thank you. And you?
Good. Cooking?
- Yes.
- Smells very nice.
You want to sit down?
Please.
Alex, do you believe
in reincarnation...
past lives or...
anything like that?
- No.
- No, neither do l, so it can't be that.
Can't be what?
l have this strong
recurring feeling that l know you.
- You do know me.
- Yes. l know.
No, but l mean...
l mean from before,
somehow, from earlier.
l can't--
l was born in Jakarta.
And raised in England,
from the age of five in Kent...
and summers in Cornwall.
What are you looking at?
l was-- l was born in Austria
in Gelandensprung.
- Home to the strudelhunds.
- Yes.
Well, l've never--
l've never actually
been to Gelandensprung.
Salzburg, once.
Delicious chocolates.
Good-looking waiters.
- Alex.
- Yes?
You're twitching.
What's the matter?
- Does my body disgust you?
- What?
My body.
ls it disgusting?
No. No.
No. What wou-- Oh!
No! No, l mean,
l-l-l like...
upholstery on a man.
ln fact, l was madly in love
with my cousin, Trevor, for years...
and he was very portly.
Maybe it's physical.
- This connection.
- Yes. No, it is, definitely physical.
Out of the blue, l get these sudden,
these pangs of concern for your--
for your well--
You mean... sex?
Yes.
l hadn't thought of that.
l have.
Have you?
Yes.
Well, then, that's, uh--
- That's probably it then, isn't it?
- Yes.
Yes.
No, wait.
Wait. lf l--
Hello? Lar?
l let myself in.
- Where's Larry?
- He's out.
Found it. Found it.
There we go. lt's in.
Contact lens.
Just flipped out, right over the sofa.
- Who's that?
- Dr. Diana Reddin. Nice to meet you.
Going now. Bye.
Good, you were right.
- Very good. Bye.
- Wait, Diana.
- Yes?
- l have my own bedroom.
l'd love to see it sometime.
l can't stay.
l have to go.
Sorry.
Got it. Got it.
Do you ever think about
calling before you come over?
l'm sorry if l interrupted.
Man, what is that great smell?
l'm cooking.
You're cooking?
- What?
- Pasta.
- You want some more Rocky Road?
- Oh, yeah.
So, Diana. She seems
like a very nice person.
Definitely a little nervous, but nice.
You think it's serious?
Well, l'm in a particularly
vulnerable stage in my life right now...
- so l'm taking it slowly.
- That's very smart.
Can l have more
of those ribs?
How about you and the father?
l haven't heard from him
since it happened.
Bastard.
l never expected to hear from him.
l'm happy.
l love being pregnant.
lt's just that l'm not anymore.
l'm single.
- lt's a little bit scary.
- Tell me about it.
l love those pickles.
There's a couple of chicken wings left.
What?
Anybody ever tell you
that you eat like a pregnant woman?
l just like mixing cuisines.
Baby pushed.
Yes.
What's wrong with you?
Sympathy pains.
l hardly know you.
You must be a very sympathetic guy.
Lately, yes.
- l think she really likes me.
- Oh, yeah?
What makes you say that?
Well, she said she likes
a little upholstery on a guy.
And she kissed me.
You're kissing?
Wait a minute, Alex.
You're in no condition
to start a relationship.
- Don't be so negative.
- What do you mean, negative?
Wait a minute.
l'm not negative.
So, what do ya think?
Couldn't find one
with a parrot on it?
lt's nice. lt's nice.
You know, Larry,
l'm starting to believe in fate.
My baby,
finding a compatible woman.
l think it's all part of a design.
Maybe l should
see a psychic.
Psychiatrist.
We should both see him.
l hate my body.
Looking prosperous there.
- The pants are loose in the waist.
- l could take them in.
Better leave room to grow.
- That's a good idea.
- That's the spirit!
- l'll cuff 'em for you.
- Okay.
- What?
- Junior kicked again.
- Junior?
- Yeah.
- Why Junior?
- The book says to talk to the baby.
l didn't know if it's going to be a boy
or a girl, so l just called it Junior.
Why?
- Well, nothing. l was--
- lt's something. You have that look.
No, the guy l got the egg from,
he called it Junior.
He was makin' a joke, you know,
just a funny coincidence.
Who is that guy? You said a colleague
of yours had an anonymous harvest.
- Yeah, a colleague of mine.
- Do l know him?
Nah, you don't know him.
- Do we know about the donor egg?
- No, it's anonymous.
Well, well, how very domestic.
All that's missing is the
pitter-patter of little feet.
Banes. Forgotten, but not gone.
- What the hell do you want?
- l couldn't help overhearing you.
Something about a donor egg?
- l don't know what you mean.
- Come on, guys, it's me, Noah.
l'm nobody's fool.
l checked with the primate lab.
They told me the chimps
haven't been tested on...
since the project
was terminated.
But you're still
producing Expectane.
Well, the truth is that...
- we had a surplus of the steroid base.
- Surplus.
Rather than
let it go to waste...
- we decided to--
- We decided to...
- finish off the production run,
- That's it.
stockpile the Expectane for when
the F.D.A. does approve clinical trials.
We were unaware of the university
policy, so that's why the little fib.
lf there are any budget overruns,
we're more than happy--
- Absolutely. Cover them.
- Excuse me.
Yeah.
- What's that all about?
- l don't know.
- What are you doin', writin' a book?
- You know what l think?
l think you two cowboys have...
an Expectane-assisted pregnancy
underway here in this house.
- Sorry, you're wrong.
- Oh, that hardly ever happens.
Listen, Larry, l'm on your side.
lf you guys are coloring
outside the lines, l can help.
Look, Banes,
l'm speaking English.
There's nothin' goin' on!
How can l help you if you
leave me outside the loop?
Thanks for stoppin' by.
Okay.
Listen, could l use
your bathroom before l go?
Yeah. lt's down the hall.
Make a right. Pick up the seat.
- ls he gone?
- No, he's in the can.
Where are you? Come out, little mother.
- You think he believed us?
- l don't know.
This guy's dangerous.
Stay away from him.
l will. Here.
- l'm taking Diana out to dinner.
- Great.
Who is that?
Aerosmith.
You don't like their music?
Seven years,
l tried everything.
l couldn't get Angela pregnant.
One of these clowns, one night,
one shot, mission accomplished.
Just ain't fair.
- Which one?
- l don't know.
Doesn't matter.
You still love her.
Ah, no, it's good it's over.
lt's just this baby thing
has got me a little, you know--
l'm having some feelings,
you know. That's all.
- l'm sorry, Larry.
- Yeah. Thanks.
- Well, you look... good.
- Thank you.
Hi, Angela.
Hey, Alex.
ls he home?
- Yes.
- ls he alone?
-Very. He will be very happy to see you.
-Yeah, l'll bet.
l'm really very sorry.
l'm just a bit confused
about this strudelhund thing.
- Excuse me. l believe this is yours.
- Yes?
Oh, it is. Thank you.
Sorry. Thanks very much.
Got it. Safe and sound.
Yes, the strudelhund thing.
No one's ever heard of it...
and then l looked up Gelandensprung
in my atlas and it wasn't there.
So--
You're right.
There's no Gelandensprung.
There's no strudelhunds.
l'm sorry l had
to deceive you.
Well, what's goin' on?
l want you to know
everything about me.
Likewise.
Can you keep an open mind?
l mean, really wide open?
l think so, yes.
l have a most
extraordinary condition.
Thank you. You familiar
with the works of Edward Jenner?
The vaccination chap
who experimented on himself?
That's right.
Now, probably you would never...
experiment on yourself--
No, l have actually. l mean, nothing
so extraordinary as Jenner, obviously...
but l--
l used my cryogenic technique
to freeze one of my own eggs.
You did? Why?
Well...
l've always wanted children
and l--
l never found the person
that l want to--
you know--
l'm not getting younger, so l thought,
well, l'll just save one, just in case.
lt's in the dairy section
under ''Junior.''
What did you say?
- My egg is in the freezer at the lab.
- You call it Junior?
Yes. l know. Well, l couldn't put my own
name because everybody would know.
And you can't tell if it's a boy
or a girl, so l thought Junior would--
- Junior.
- l know. l've shocked you, haven't l?
l suppose it is a bit perverse,
having your own eggs on display...
but some people keep their tonsils,
their adenoids and appendixes and--
Anyway, enough, sorry.
l'm embarrassing you. So, what--
- l'm sorry. l have to go.
- Alex?
Alex. What's the matter?
Not a roll, not a kick,
not in two days.
Oh, l know
something's wrong.
There's something wrong.
ls that what you want to hear?
No!
All the drugs the father took
probably messed her up good.
- What drugs?
- l read up on Aerosmith.
Wasted for a decade.
Coke, booze, pills.
- What are you talking about?
- Which one is he?
Did you think it was someone
in the band? ls that what you thought?
Well, that's what you said.
No, that he was on tour
with them.
He's not in the band.
He's their personal trainer.
For God--
- Oh! She kicked.
- She kicked.
- She just kicked.
- All right, Larry, come with me now.
- What?
- Where did you get Junior?
-l told you.
-The truth! We're talking about my baby.
Keep your voice down.
All right.
l got it from Reddin's lab. So?
Well, it's Diana's.
- You mean, hers, personally?
- Yes!
You're supposed to get
an anonymous egg.
l tried.
Everybody was all out.
- Can you do anything right?
- Wait, don't start with me.
lf you'd have stopped
taking the Expectane...
none of this would be an issue.
- What a horrible thing to say.
- Well, it's the truth.
Keepin' it goin' was your idea,
not mine.
Women have such convenient memories
when they're pregnant.
Now take that back.
All right, that was a Freudian slip.
l know you're not a woman.
No. The part about l should
have ended it. Junior heard that.
- Now take it back.
- For cryin' out loud. l take it back.
No, mean it.
All right, Junior, l'm sorry.
l take it back.
l just felt a kick.
Come. Feel it.
- No, l don't think so.
- Come on. Just feel it.
- Come. We need a healing experience.
- Give me a break, will ya?
Just do it!
Here.
Just watch. Be patient.
- Did you see that? Right there.
- Yeah.
- Oh, see his little feet go.
- Right there!
Oh, it feels so good.
Can you believe this?
- What's goin' on?
- What? Nothin'.
- What?
- You were touching him.
Oh, God.
Oh, no.
l can't deal with this.
Can't deal with what?
What are you? What are you two,
like a-- What are you, a twosome?
What? No.
What is goin' on around here?
He's--
He's pregnant.
l'm gonna be a mama too.
- You're sure it's the Expectane?
- Absolutely.
We compared what you gave us with
the sample we had on file in the lab.
Who do they think
they're dealing with?
That's what really hurts. Well,
we're gonna have to find out who she is.
- And there's something else.
- What?
The sample that you gave us, it was
part Expectane and part female hormones.
Estrogens and progesterone,
to be exact.
Wouldn't that be consistent
with an assisted pregnancy?
Not a dosage of this size. This is
more like the amount you'd take, say...
preparing for a sex change operation.
Oh, my God!
You're doing some more charting.
We'll have to do the whole thing again.
- Diana.
- We're busy.
Please, l need
to talk to you.
You need to apologize
to me, don't you?
About last night,
l'm sorry, Diana.
- Please let me explain.
- All right, then go on, explain.
Guys, would you mind?
What?
l'm pregnant.
Good explanation.
l really am pregnant.
What?
l tested the Expectane
on myself.
We fertilized an egg and
implanted it into my abdomen.
With drug and hormone supplements,
l'm now seven months to term.
Oh, my God!
There's more.
More?
Larry was supposed to find
an anonymous egg...
and he couldn't.
So he borrowed one
from your dairy section.
- lt's Junior.
- My Junior?
Our Junior now.
Our Junior?
Our Junior!
- Diana, please, don't be angry.
- Why should l be angry?
You've lied to me,
you steal from me...
you engage in
an utterly immoral...
selfish, arrogant stunt without
any regard for my feelings whatsoever.
What-- What am l
supposed to be, grateful?
This is just... so male!
- l'm sorry, Diana.
- Just don't come near me!
- l never wanted to hurt you.
- What did you think you were doing?
You think men don't have enough?
You have to take this away as well?
You-- lt's-- lt's pitiful!
Let me shake hands
with the Man Who Would Be Mom.
-What are you talking about?
-The greatest scientific breakthrough...
in the history of this university.
Bravo, Doctor.
You know, we're in this together, now.
We have a contract.
And l quote, ''Exploitation of results
from university-funded research...
shall be at the sole discretion
of the university.''
- Come on. l've ordered some tests.
- Leave me alone.
- He said to leave him alone.
- Escort Dr. Hesse to the ambulance.
Can't allow it!
He's in a very delicate condition.
l'm really disappointed in you, Diana.
You and your baby
are university property now.
No, l'm not.
My body, my choice.
Yes!
Come on, Alex.
Go!
Just easy, easy. Breathe. Breathe.
- That was really scary.
- Relax. l gotta hide you.
- That ought to be easy.
- Yeah.
- So what did Diana say?
- She said l was selfish and arrogant.
That we'd taken away her dignity
and the sacred role of womanhood.
Typical. l can't tell you how many times
l've heard pregnant women complain...
''l just wish a man
could go through this.''
You finally do it, and what do you get?
Attitude and insults.
- Yeah, you're right.
- Oh, l'm tellin' ya.
Alex, are you sure you're gonna
be able to go through with this?
l think so.
l don't have a lot of choice.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Whoa, it's nice. Hello.
- How are you?
- Hi.
- lt's quite a place. Hi.
- Hello.
- You must be Mr. and Mrs. Hesse?
- Yes.
Welcome.
Welcome to Casitas Madres.
l think of Casitas Madres as
a health resort for expectant mothers.
We want you to completely relax
while you're here.
That's really good news because
that's exactly what Alexandra needs...
to just totally relax.
Would you have some lemonade,
Larry, Alexandra?
l'll have a little
if it's okay.
l realize that my appearance
might be a bit startling.
lt is sometimes difficult
for people to take.
lf l may speak
to your concerns?
Yes, by all means.
When l was a sportswoman in the East
German Olympic track-and-field team...
they dispensed anabolic steroids
as freely...
as here in America
they dole out Gatorade.
They pushed it on them.
l mean, just--
Nothing was mentioned
of the side effects...
that are now so obviously,
painfully apparent.
But l'm all woman.
- Believe you me.
- Of course.
l'm almost eight months pregnant,
and my Larry has to travel on business.
l dread the thought
of leaving her helpless and alone.
That's why we're here.
Alexandra...
you've come to the right place.
And... may l say
something else?
- What?
- You are beautiful.
- Thank you. Thank you.
- Yes, you are.
And you'll love your room.
lt's got a great big tub.
Oh. Big tub.
That'll come in handy.
Anyway, so tomorrow...
l catch the first flight out to
Vancouver to meet with the Lyndon guys.
Shouldn't take more than three, four
days, tops. You okay, honey? Come on.
Okay, right this way.
You have your temperature
control and your call button.
lt's a very nice room, huh?
And extra blankets in the drawer.
- Here's your key.
- l want you to take good care of her.
- Oh, of course we will.
- Yeah.
- No.
- All right. Bye.
Big.
lt's nice.
Larry. You really think
the baby's gonna be born?
l wanna say, ''Of course,''
but there's no precedent for this.
- Gods knows what's goin' on in there.
- But everything's gonna be all right?
- Gods knows what's goin' on in there.
- But everything's gonna be all right?
lt better be.
lt's my baby too, you know.
Take it easy.
Thanks for everything, Larry.
Diana? lt's Alex.
ln case you're there, please pick up.
l really need
to talk to you. Please.
Push, push, push, okay.
A little more
gentle with babies.
l love you.
Oh, that's marvelous!
l guess so.
And remember, no names.
This isn't a test.
Thanks. Well, this
should be very interesting.
Let's see.
She writes...
''My biggest fear is that
l'm not exactly...
what you would call
a natural born mother.
How will l ever cope?''
You know...
l think we have to dispense
with the myth...
that some are born
with the maternal instinct...
and others are not.
The little girl tending
her doll collection is...
no more a natural born mother
than the tomboy down the street.
There is no standard.
There are no naturals.
Hello, Diana.
Very fetching.
You might want
to rethink the earrings.
l'm glad you came. l started
to wonder if l'd ever see you again.
- Well, l needed some time to think.
- And?
lt's so unfair what you've done.
This is t-- Monumentally unfair.
Will you forgive me?
l wouldn't be asking anything
of me at the moment.
l totally understand if you
never want to see me again.
- l take responsibility for the baby.
- Wait!
Can we just get one thing
straight here? This is my baby too.
- Don't you ever forget that!
- l won't.
- l'm the mother. You're the father.
- Yes. Yes.
- ls that clear?
- Yes.
We'll have to find an intelligent way
of sharing the responsibilities.
-Yes. Yes.
-Of creating security and a home life...
- Yes.
- and a normal upbringing!
- Yes.
- l mean, all this is very complicated.
l know it is.
And l thought that l would be--
That l would be--
You are.
l want us to do this together.
Do you have a private room?
Yes. Why?
Call me old-fashioned,
but l'll be damned...
if l'm having a child
with a man l never slept with.
So, where--
where is it?
You coming?
Bye.
l'd better get out of here
before anyone sees me.
lf everything is satisfactory,
please sign all copies where tagged.
lf everything is satisfactory,
please sign all copies where tagged.
Once we have European approval,
the F.D.A. will agree to testing.
- Leave it to us.
- Potential for your drug is remarkable.
- We'll be rich.
- Loaded.
That's got a nice ring to it. Loaded.
What's the matter?
Would you put this call
through to California?
Sure, Dr. Arbogast.
Over there.
Oh, yeah.
l should call the doctor
just to be sure.
l just need to lie down.
Oh, damn it.
Come on.
Lyndon's coming in as partners.
This is gonna push us through the F.D.A.
Alex, are you okay?
Yeah, Ned. Set up an emergency
C-section for tonight.
l want everybody out
of the building except you and Louise.
You wanna do an operation
with just the two of us?
Just us.
We're the whole team.
You can't do an emergency C-section
without an anesthesiologist.
We can handle it. Bye.
She didn't come down for lunch.
- You better call Dr. Talbot.
- Right.
Diana, please, hurry. l need you.
l'm coming! Okay?
l'm coming! l'm coming!
- l need the car. l need the keys.
- On the desk.
- Here.
- Thank you.
You said to let you know
if something was going on here.
Something's definitely goin' on.
They're sendin' everybody home.
An emergency C-something.
Does that mean anything to you?
- Open the door, please.
- l want my Larry.
ln the meantime, let's have
our doctor take a look at you.
There is nothing to worry about.
l think it's important that l see you.
l don't wanna see you!
- Where is he?
- He? Who?
He, my-- She, my wife!
Oh, Alexandra.
She's upstairs.
Thank God you're here.
Pumpkin?
- Back! Excuse me! Pardon me!
- Thank God you're here.
Larry.
Pumpkin!
All right.
l can take care of her.
- Okay, okay. Just breathe.
- Oh, my God! Here it comes!
Here it comes! Oh, l feel
the baby. The baby! The baby!
Oh, shit!
Are you all right?
Are you all right?
What the hell are you doin' here?
What am l doing here?
lt's my baby, not yours!
- l put it in there.
- My egg.
- Your egg doesn't make you the mother.
- Shut up!
- Go ahead.
- Take me outta here!
Do we have to bounce so much?
Just a couple of miles like this.
You okay, Alex?
Oh, l feel like Junior kicked
a hole through something.
Louise, l wanna talk to Sneller.
- Oh, l want to die!
- Breathe. Breathe.
- Stop blowing at me!
- Sorry.
- l'm about a half hour away.
- Larry.
What is goin' on?
Somebody from the university has got
a whole bunch of media out front.
Banes. Damn it!
Can you get rid of 'em?
l don't think so.
Larry, what is this?
l don't wanna talk on the cellular.
Just meet us outside!
- What's goin' on?
- Somebody tipped the press.
- Oh, what are we gonna do?
- l don't know. l'm thinkin'.
Better be big.
You pulled me away from dinner with
the university's largest benefactor.
This is big, Edward,
literally and figuratively.
Ladies and gentlemen,
may l have your attention, please?
Thank you for waiting.
l'm Noah Banes...
director of Lufkin's
Biotechnology Research Center.
This is Edward Sawyer,
president of Leland University.
We are here to announce a momentous
breakthrough in medical science.
Under my personal guidance
and supervision...
and with the aid
of a new wonder drug, Expectane...
Dr. Alexander Hesse of my staff
will be arriving shortly...
to give birth to a child
he has himself carried to term.
- Are you saying he's pregnant?
- Yes.
l am saying he's pregnant.
l see him!
And what perfect timing.
Here he is now, ladies and gentlemen.
l give you the world's
first pregnant man.
What is it?
What are you doin' here?
This is my building.
Get outta here.
l got a medical emergency.
Go on. Back off.
Hi, Mom.
What is this?
- lt's just a woman.
- That's my wife you're talkin' about.
Hey, Ned. Thank you.
All right, okay, baby.
Watch your step.
- Okay.
- Up here.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Up! Upsa-daisie.
Upsa-daisie.
l've got you. l've got you.
Come on, give me room.
Ned, let's get her in there.
- You told us there was a pregnant man.
- There is... a pregnant man.
He's having a baby, Edward.
l swear it.
You're fired.
- Why are we stopping on two?
- lt's a surprise.
- l prepped the operating room upstairs.
- Good. You did good.
- Are they here yet?
- Oh, thank God. Not yet.
Who's here?
Angela, enough with the huffin'.
We're all alone.
lmagine a tranquil--
Little birdies.
- ln here! ln here!
- Cheep, cheep.
- Forget the birdies.
- Thank God! Are you okay?
- Up, Angela, out of there.
- Larry, what is this?
- lt's our patient.
- What's the matter with him?
My best guess, his baby's
tangled in the large intestine.
- His baby? His ba--
- Hurry!
- His baby? Oh, God!
- Yes.
- ls the room prepped?
- Yeah, it's prepped.
Go on, Louise,
open the door!
Relax. Just relax.
Get him undressed!
Look at the belly on that guy!
- Please, let me do something!
- Look, look.
This is dangerous,
both for Alex and the baby.
l don't know what's gonna happen.
There's nothin' you can do.
Just go outside with Angela, okay?
Keep her company.
All right.
All right?
What?
- Not you? Not now? No.
- Yes, yes.
- l'll get someone.
- l want Larry! l want Larry!
Be--
Easy, easy.
Okay, look, um--
Let's imagine a garden with trees and
birds cheeping. Cheep, cheep, cheep--
Let's imagine drugs.
- What can l do?
- Have the baby for me.
- Feel that?
- What?
- Feel that? No?
- No.
Well, the drugs are working.
We gave you an epidural.
You're gonna be awake through this,
Alex. lt's safer that way.
Just try and stay calm.
Okay.
Here we go.
Just relax.
Think about the baby. Okay?
- Blot, blot.
- Blot.
- l'm gonna cut right here.
- That's good. Very good.
That's good. l'm not leaving you.
- l'm not leaving. Hold on. l'm gonna...
- Oh, God!
- check.
- Oh, this is hard. Oh, this is hard.
- Where are you?
- l'm here. l'm here.
Do you think he's all right?
Okay.
That's good.
lt's all tangled up
in the intestines.
Transverse colon's got it.
There's a lot of fluid.
lt's clear.
Suck it down there.
- Okay, here.
- All right.
All right. Now push here.
Ready? Push.
Push it. Push it.
That's your baby, Alex.
lt's a girl! Seven pounds, six ounces.
She's got her mother's looks.
- Father and daughter are doing fine--
- l have a girl?
- What?
- Another delivery.
Go in there!
Angela. Angela. Talk to me.
- He's comin', honey.
- So soon?
- Louise, wheelchair!
- What?
- Why didn't you tell somebody?
- l wanted you.
Oh, well, you got me.
You got me.
- lt hurts.
- lt won't be long now.
Do you want Louise
to call the father?
What's the point?
He's long gone.
- Does he know it?
- Oh, yeah.
He sent me a dozen roses and
an autographed picture with the band!
All right, breathe, honey.
Just breathe.
- Prepare number two.
- You want an epidural?
- You want natural childbirth?
- l want drugs! l want drugs!
We've got a little baby girl.
Look at her.
You did it.
lsn't she gorgeous?
- Daddy loves you.
- l can't believe you did it.
Oh, hello.
Hello, little one.
Oh, she's beautiful!
Hello.
l'm so proud of you.
Hello. l'm your mum.
Just a little bit more.
lt's a boy!
- ls he okay?
- Oh, yeah, ten fingers.
Ten toes. Okay,
he'll be right there.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's your mommy.
Look at that baby.
Hello, little beauty.
Hello, beauty.
l'm your mama.
Yes, it's your mama.
And l'm your--
Ange.
Could we give it
another chance, Ange?
Oh, yeah.
l'm your dad.
l'm your dad.
You're my boy.
You're my big boy.
What should we call her?
Junior.
Junior?
Junior.
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday
dear Jake and Junior
Happy birthday to you
He's a big boy.
You're supposed to eat with your hands,
not with your feet.
- That's a baby.
- There you go.
- Those kids need something to drink.
- Don't lift anything, honey.
- l'm not lifting it. l'm dragging it.
- Let me get it.
- Let me do it.
- How you feelin'?
Fine. Fine.
- Well, l might need to pee again.
- l don't miss that part.
Me, neither.
You have to have another, Angela.
Jake needs a little brother or sister.
Yeah. Sure, l'd like to, but l don't
know if l can go through that again.
lt doesn't necessarily
have to be you.
Oh, no!
lt is the most wonderful experience.
l had such a wonderful time.