Voila! Finally, the Just Married
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Ashton Kutcher and
Brittany Murphy movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Just Married. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
Your attention, please.
Flight 217 from Venice, Italy,, now arriving at Gate 34..
Please claim all baggage at carousel number two...
in baggage claim.
Your attention, please.
Flight 217 from Venice, Italy,, now arriving at Gate 34..
Please claim all baggage at carousel number two...
in baggage claim.
Aaah. Hot!
I 惻l be by tomorrow for my stuff!.
Oh, uh, call first.
媒ause I might be having sex with a complete stranger!
Forty-five minutes for a cab. This is ridiculous.
Cheese and rice!
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah! Boy, you got it in there...
didn愒 you, honey?
Thank you so much.
I need a ride.
Get out of my way.
Ooh!
Get in!
Just try and keep it on the road for a change.
Can愒 you get it any closer?
I don愒 want to scratch the paint.
What do you do here, Tom Leezak?
Just open the gate, Yuan.
You and Tom not together anymore.
Just open the gate, Yuan!
Okay.
That one looks heavy.
Get that junkwagon out ofhere.
Right away, Princess!
Not one word.
Are Mom and Dad home?
No. They愉e at the emphysema ball.
Don愒 worry, Peewee...
we惻l get this Tom mess cleaned up.
Sarah.
Kyle.
Kyle.
Wake up.
Okay, I惴 home. So, you can leave whenever you want.
Hi, this is Tom and Sarah...
and we can愒 come to the phone right now...
because we愉e honeymooning in Europe! Yea!
Send a large wedding gift...
or we won愒 call you back-- I惴 serious.
Tom, Kyle. I got your message.
I惴 sorry the honeymoon sucked. Anyway, don愒 wig.
I惻l set up lodging in your place.
And when you get back, we惻l do some Budweiser therapy.
Hi, Sarah. It愀 Peter.
I thought I might catch you in.
And Tom, if you愉e listening, buddy...
I feel your pain.
So where you been, man? You愉e on in five.
I walked over. I had to clear my head.
So? What happened?
I had the perfect relationship...
that was ruined by marriage.
I mean, you saw it, right?
We were perfect from the minute we met.
Right?
Yeah. In fact, it was nauseating.
Thank you, Fred.
Blue ! Blue !
Watch the one! Watch the one!
Set! Hut!
I惴 open! I惴 open!
Football!
Sorry!
Are you okay?
Yeah.
You had nothing on it.
Cheers...
Sarah McNerney.
Cheers, Tom Leezak.
So what do you do when you愉e not Joe Montana?
I work at KNR radio.
Your traffic information station.
So I have myself a real live radio host, huh?
No. Someday I惻l be that guy. Sports, hopefully.
Right now, I just do spot traffic reports.
On the graveyard shift.
Every other week.
When the full-time guy愀 sick.
You愉e that Tom?
Yeah. You actually heard me on the air?
Yeah. I called in about a week ago, like : a.m.
You said the Pasadena freewaywas all clear...
so I took it and got stuck behind a jackknifed big rig...
for, like, three hours.
Sarah from Beverly Hills.
Who called me a... fathead.
You got pretty heated.
Very heated.
So, : a.m.?
That愀 a little bit past your bedtime, now isn愒 it?
How do you know my bedtime?
I was wrapping out an auction.
I惴 a gofer at Sotheby愀.
Beverly Hills, Sotheby愀.
Let me guess. Marketing major, Stanford.
Smarty-pants in the front row.
Art History major, Wellesley, back row.
Oh, back row. Sweet! Me too.
Communications, Burbank Community College.
You wanna hear the fight song?
N-No, Thank you.
Are you sure? I惴 really good at it.
No, really. Thanks.
That愀 a good choice.
McNerney--
You愉e not by any chance...
daughter of Dan McNerney...
part owner of the Lakers and Dodgers McNerney?
I惻l take that as a yes.
You ready to get your ass kicked at eight-ball, Leezak?
Ha ha ha ha. You are dreaming, Wellesley.
I went to day care in a pool hall.
Oh. pretty,confident there, huh, fiathead?
Bags, shush. Bags, shh!
Wow.
Yeah.
And that was it.
A month later, we moved in together.
And why the hell did we get married...
when we had loving each other so completely nailed?
I don愒 know. Ten seconds.
Well, why does anyone get married?
Does it make sense to be with one person...
for your entire life?
People change.
They grow.
You愉e on, Tom.
Maybe we悲 still be together...
if I悲 gotten the proposal right...
but nope--
The proposal is critical, and I blew it.
Tom!
This is Tom Leezak...
with KNR traffic at : a.m.
At this hour, there are approximately seven vehicles...
on all southland freeways.
So if you feel like skateboarding down the ...
she愀 wide open.
Stay tuned for another traffic update in minutes...
on KNR, your traffic information station.
And we愉e out.
Look here, Tom. You gotta focus. All right, man?
Forget about proposals. Forget about marriage.
All right?
Bags.
Do you have to grunt all the time?
You愉e just like... a little pig with hair.
Would you-- Oh, look at me.
I惴 just the cutest doggy in the wo-world.
I惴 the cutest doggy in the world.
Throw the ball for me. I惻l pull on your leg all day.
Bags! Seriously, I will--
Bags, I惴 reading.
Go... fetch.
It wasn愒 like Bags to chase pigeons.
This pigeon was cruel. It was--
Bags, he just--
Whoo, he just went for him.
He was taunting.
And... squawking.
Squawking?
Oh... squawking.
At first, it was-- It was more of a-a, more of a purring.
Coo. You know how they coo.
Yeah.
You know, I mean, Bags was--
You know, got his attention.
He has a low tolerance...
for those kinds of annoyances.
But then it turned into this, like, shrill...
c-caw...
You愉e lying.
What?
Your nostrils always flare when you lie.
Flare.
Flare!
They愉e not flaring.
I惴 not lying.
Honey, I惴 sorry.
I惴 sorry. I惴 just really overwhelmed.
You promise we惻l never lie to each other?
It愀 a promise.
I love you so much.
Listen... Sarah--
I want to marry you, Tom Leezak.
I want to marry you too.
Why you bring Dodge to front?
Park at service entrance.
Open the gate, Yuan.
Okay.
Here we go!
Well, well, well.
What a surprise!
Mom.
Oh, welcome to the family, Tom.
Thank you, Mrs. McNerney.
Oh, you can call me Pussy now.
Thank you.
Pussy.
Well, wonderful. Wonderful!
Yuan, champagne for everybody!
Knock it off, Dickie!
Peewee, my youngest daughter.
You little rebel.
And you, Tom Leezak...
you愉e... well--
Wonderful surprise.
Thank you, Mr. McNerney.
I--
I just hope that I can be...
all that I can be...
in this...
family.
Well... I love Sarah.
That愀 all I need to know.
Well, you really missed the boat...
didn愒you, Prentiss?
Yes, I did, Dan.
You betyour ass you did.
I should扉e been courting Sarah...
instead of putting in -hour days at the office.
Anyway,...
congratulations, to both ofyou.
Seriously, from... from my heart.
Thank you, Peter.
You愉e a lucky man.
Hey, I know that.
Grab a flute ofibubbly,and rise.
Everybody,ready,?
Why is Peter Prentiss here?
Dad愀 doing a business deal with him.
All right.
Health, wealth, happiness!
Health, wealth, happiness!
All right. Peewee, -yard out.
Leezak, gimme a five-yard slant.
You got this, man.
Don愒 worry about it.
Calm down.
What do you mean, calm down?
Hey, why do bad things happen to good people?
That愀 what I want to know.
Where愀 that in your book?
She愀 very determined, you know.
Are you kidding? Look, he愀 a Polack.
No, he愀 a-- He愀 a Polack.
I know that. I warned you.
Let愀 see what Leezak愀 packing.
Ready? All right.
- And break! - Break!
On one. Ready?
Break!
You girls ready,forthis?
Down!
Set!
That was a hard one. That was a tough one.
- Yeah! - That愀 what I惴 talkin� about.
What are you doing, Willie?
Hey, I slipped.
I still got my flag.
I惴 good. I惴 good.
Oh, my Peewee. Always moving so fast.
You move in together after a month...
Live together for nine months, and now you愉e engaged.
Oh, I know you love him, but you know...
sometimes it takes more than love...
to sustain a marriage.
You need to be old enough to know whoyou are...
and whatyou want and who he is.
Oh, Mom, Mom, he愀 wild and spontaneous...
and hysterical and offbeat...
and on top of all that...
he愀 centered, and he愀 down to earth.
He愀 everything I want...
and we have this passion for each other...
that愀 just... oh!
I惴 jealous.
All right.
First thing tomorrow...
we愉e gonna plan this wedding!
Hey, you.
So I guess everyone thinks that we愉e crazy...
for doing this.
Now, when did we start caring about what other people think?
Well, areyou sure that...
you don愒 want to marry a guy like Peter?
If I wanted to know exactly what my life would be...
from here on out...
I would marry a guy like Peter.
But I love not knowing.
I love our messy loft.
Your beater car.
Ha ha.
I want to start a life with you.
- Sarah? - Go.
Hi, Daddy.
Peewee...
marriage is like a business investment.
Its-- Its long-term viability...
is best established unemotionally.
Bottom line, Daddy? We love each other.
That is all that matters, tsk.
Leezak.
Good night, sir.
Congratulations, Mr. Leezak.
Big Daddy, Leezak愀 in the house!
Oh, I hope she doesn愒 spook on you, man.
What do you mean?
I love Sarah. Don愒 get me wrong, but...
rich chicks spook.
A powerful daddy plus family money...
equals expectations.
Expectations are like a fungal rot on a marriage.
My marriage is not gonna have a fungal rot.
We愉e gonna be happily married every day...
for the rest of our lives.
Unless she finds out that you slaughtered her dog.
Oh, don愒 worry. I惻l take that to my grave.
Okay.
Ifyou change your mind at the altar...
just pass out.
I惴 not going to change my mind.
Okay. I惴 just saying if you do...
just hit the floor.
Thank you, but it愀 not gonna happen.
So, you愉e sure you愉e ready...
to give up your grazing rights?
I惴 not a grazer, Kyle.
Well, what if you became one later in life?
I mean, over the next years...
you愉e giving up five hayrides peryear.
So I can either be happily married to Sarah...
or have one-night stands.
Minimum.
That愀 not even a choice.
Okay, okay.
Let愀 move on.
Are there any chicks you didn愒 have...
thatyou wish you had?
You are, like, the worst best man ever.
Hey,, Peter! Overhere, Prentiss.
I can愒 believe she invited Prentiss.
- Glad you made it, buddy. - Hey, man. What愀 going on?
Did she ever hook up with that yahoo?
They went backpacking in Europe once.
It was after high school.
I don愒 think anything happened.
You愉e getting married...
and she didn愒 share the roster?
She shared the roster.
Merrick and Bruce.
What about Prentiss?
And you never asked again?
I won. It愀 irrelevant.
Okay.
As long as you愉e okay with a bogus roster.
It愀 not a bogus roster.
Is he on, or is he off?
He愀--
Shut up.
And you could扉e had Peter.
I did have Peter. It wasn愒 that hot, okay?
Excuse me?
I was in Seattle...
helping on an appraisal...
ran into Peter-- We went out.
I drank way too much...
andbefore I knewit we...
tussled.
You bad girl.
I wanted to tell Tom so many times...
but he gets so jealous, you know?
Listen, it doesn愒 matter that he doesn愒 know.
It愀 not like you guys were married...
and even if you were--
No, no, no. It matters to me.
It愀 like living a lie.
I cannot live a lie.
There will always be this big, fat elephant...
in the room with us.
Listen, P.eewee. Nevertellhim.
It愀 time to go, Sarah.
Come on.
Got everything?
Yes.
How you holding up?
Pussy愀 a mess.
I惴 just telling you right now. Be prepared.
Wait.
Okay.
- Oh! Ow. - Ooh.
- Are you okay? - Yes.
- Are you all right? - I惴 fine.
This threshold thing isn愒 as easy as it looks.
Daddy got the big suite!
Yeah, he did.
We愉e really married.
We愉e really, really really married.
Forever and ever.
Do you feel like... it?
I don愒 know.
Do you?
Oh... I惴 kind of tired.
Me too.
I am. I mean, yeah.
Okay.
What愀 the matter?
It愀 our wedding night, and we don愒 want to have sex.
No. Uh...
it愀 okay.
We愉e tired.
It愀 fine.
It愀 just that this is our wedding day...
and it愀 something I fantasized about...
my whole life.
And now it愀 over.
Did you have wedding fantasies...
when you were a little boy?
Kinda.
Oh, honey.
Oh, my God.
Tomorrow, my parents are gonna know...
I惴 not a virgin anymore.
Sarah...
whoa.
You haven愒 been a virgin since college.
I know. I know...
but tomorrow they愉e gonna know for sure...
that I惴 not a virgin...
and they愉e gonna know that you deflowered me.
Oh, God! Oh, no! Oh, honey!
Deflowered?
That愀 what my mom always called it.
My mommy.
Oh, Sarah.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey. Hey.
I love you.
Okay?
And we have our entire lives to have sex...
so it愀 okay if we don愒 do it tonight.
Okay?
Now I kind of feel like it.
Really?
Yeah.
That was a sexy speech.
I turn it on every once in a while.
Oh. Bloody nose. Bloody nose.
Oh, hello, hello, hello, hello.
You愉e mine for one night...
and you愉e falling apart already.
I惴 not gonna have to trade you in, am I?
Okay, okay.
There you go. Just like that.
Stop the bleeding.
I look like a chimp.
You look gorgeous.
Let愀 go to sleep.
I love you.
I love you too, babe.
Sweetie, our plane leaves in an hour.
Aaah! Aaah!
Okay, so that wasn愒 the smoothest start...
to a honeymoon.
But tomorrow we will be at the foot of The Alps...
at the Hotel DuReve.
Yes, we will.
It愀 gonna be totally perfect.
Yes. It sounds totally perfect.
But I can愒 wait until then.
Jimmy crack corn!
Close it, bitch!
There愀 a lock on the door for a reason,junior.
I惴 claustrophobic, okay,?
Do we have a problem?
No.
No problem. We愉e just waiting.
Mm-hmm.
Mexican food.
That愀 an oxymoron.
Sweet Lord. Where does that come from?
- Let愀 just wait. - Oh, my gosh.
The captain is anticipating turbulence...
and has turned on the fiasten seat belt sign.
Kindly, return to your seats.
Okay.
Breathe through your mouth. Breathe through your mouth.
No.
Breathe through your mouth. Just do it.Just do it.
Hurry up.
Okay, okay, okay. Let me just--
This is gonna work. This is gonna work.
Wait. I惴 gonna step on--
Perfect.
What?
The crapper愀 got my foot.
Oh. Okay, wait. Let me help. Okay.
Okay. One, two, three.
Return to your seats, please.
Be right out.
Okay. Okay, ready?
Okay. One, two, three.
Return to your seats now, please.
Beat it, stew!
Return--
Playtime is over, children.
Stop.
Go toy,ourseats! Do you hear me?
Let愀 flush it.
You flush. I惻l pull.
I can愒 get it out.
The captain has turned on the fasten seat belt sign!
Wait, wait, wait. Count of three. Ready?
One, two, three.
Well, there愀 something we can tell the grandchildren about.
Great story for the kids.
Bonjour.
How you doin� there, chief?
Hey, can we get the, uh, le car for lezak?
Bonjour. Ah, les r廥ervations sont pour Leezak.
Ah, oui, mademoiselle.
You never told me you spoke French.
It was that summer abroad.
I backpacked to Europe.
Ah, here we are, uh, for Mr. and Mrs. Leezak.
Uh, must be some mistake, non?
No, no mistake. Mister and missus.
What the hell?
These sports scores are two days old.
- So? - So, you know perfectly well...
if I don愒 have an up-to-date sports section to workwith...
it throws off my whole day, startin� with my morning dump.
Honey, there愀 gonna be satellite TV in the hotel.
Oh.
Voil�.
Ah. I wonder what kind of wheels we got?
I惴 telling you. This is not the car.
Ispecifiically, ordered a compact.
This is a European compact.
No, this is a Ringling Bros. compact.
I扉e owned Tonka trucks bigger than this car.
I mean, honey, I looked at the brochure...
and there was a Fiesta on the cover...
not a Bingo.
Aw, baby needs a great big car...
to make him happy.
Uh, well, we could really use the Dodge about now.
"Oh, we could really...
use the Dodge about now.斐
What was that?
You just sound so "Uh-merican.斐
"Oh, we could really use the Dodge about now, mmm.
"While I惴 makin� a doody...
"can you hand me my sports section...
"and a beer with that?
Thank you very much, ma徨m.斐
Are you mocking me?
No, baby. Just floor it.
I am flooring it. If I pushed any harder...
my foot would blow through the floor...
and we悲 be Flintstoning our asses there.
Ooh! Whoa, whoa! Turn here!
You okay,?
- Yeah,you? - Yeah.
If you would扉e told me about the turn...
maybe before we passed it...
I wouldn愒 have had to pull such a NASCAR evasive maneuver.
I was busy looking at the map. Somebody had to navigate.
Listen to us.
We sound like an old married couple.
Never again.
Just for the record...
why did I almost get us killed back there?
Because that愀 our hotel.
It looks like a castle.
It is a castle.
And that愀 precisely why it looks like one.
Mmm. Let愀 go.
Okay. Hee hee.
Oh.
This is the most beautiful thing...
I扉e ever seen.
Let愀 go.
Look, baby, look.
It comes with free nuns.
- Bonjour. - Bonjour.
- Bonjour. - Bonjour.
- Merci. - Merci.
- Bonjour. - Bonjour.
- Bonjour. - Bonjour.
Merci.
Ah, bonjour. Merci.
Bonjour. Merci.
Bonjour. Merci.
Bonjour. Merci.
Oui.
Welcome to Hotel Du Reve.
I am Henri Margeaux.
Nous sommes Sarah et T om Leezak.
- Leezak, non? - Oui.
The honeymooners?
Oui.
Non.
- Oui. - Oui. Why?
It愀 so fresh and young to have marriage, no?
No. We愉e married.
I almost forget.
Ooh, presents.
"Congratulations!
"Have a wonderful honeymoon.
"Love...
Peter."
That愀 a platonic love.
Forget about Peter.
Here, please enjoy.
Room, haut, upstairs.
Bonjour!
Merci!
Tell me this isn愒 your fantasy.
It愀 better than my fantasy.
Good. 媒ause we愉e paying out the ass for it.
Honey, just for the record...
when you talk about money...
especially in reference to it coming out of your heinie...
it sort of kills the romance of the moment.
Right. Sorry.
Now fight your deep urge to be cheap...
and give the bellboy a large tip.
Hey.
Do you guys, uh, provide satellite TV?
TV in bar.
So there愀 no TV in this room?
TV in bar.
Ask him if they have ESPN.
He said, "The TV愀 in the bar."
He also said that if he were here with me...
he wouldn愒 be concerned with TV.
He makes a point.
Oh, I gotta call Mom and Dad.
Talk about killin� the romance.
I told 悶m I悲 call. It惻l just take a minute.
Hi, Mom. It愀 Peewee.
Oh, say hi to Pussyfor me.
Tom says hello.
Yeah. Oh, it愀 so great.
Uh-huh.
"To Tom and Sarah.
Enhance thy honeymoon. Love, Kyle."
I惻l call you later, Mom. Bye.
Cheese and rice. Is that a ThunderstickA- ?
And since when did you become the expert?
I told you about that night I had in college.
You didn愒 tell me about the hardware.
Getting a visual?
We gotta charge this thing.
Ha ha.
Mmm. That plug won愒 fit in a European outlet.
I惻l make it fit.
Come on.
Honey, don愒 force it.
- Honey.
Are you okay? Are you okay?
Holy dear Jesus.
Good thing that didn愒 happen...
when we were using it.
Oh, God.
Come on! Come on, Thunderstick!
Oh, no! Okay, just let it go.
My grandparents installed the wiring...
in the hotel...
before World War First.
It worked fine...
until you young kids...
had to bring out your toys...
and ignore the sign.
The--
That is the--
That愀 in French, for Christ愀 sakes.
That愀 because we愉e in France.
Is there anything we could do?
Pay the damages.
Hold on there,Jacques.
Je m徨ppelle Henri Margeaux.
Whatever. Look, this hotel gets guests...
from all over the world.
It愀 your responsibility...
to put some American on your signs.
- He means English. - Sarah!
I惴 trying to negotiate.
So I must make my hotel of dreams...
Iike every other Howard Johnsons...
with a bright orange roof?
It wouldn愒 hurt!
Cochon am廨icain!
Cochon what?
Stupid American pig.
Oh. Oh. Yeah?
Well, that-- I guess that makes you...
a stupid French...
frog!
Oh,y,eah, I said it. Frog!
You get out of my Hotel DuReve!
I wouldn愒 stay in this dump...
if you paid us!
Let愀 go to the HoJos, honey.
There are no HoJos here, Tom.
Sarah, please.
There is a fiarm up the road...
and they have a nice pigsty for you!
Yeah? Well, maybe they惻l have...
a nice little bulldozer...
and we can finish this place off...
tough guy!
Andy,our credit cardbill...
will be a fat one--
- Yeah? - Mr. Tough Guy!
Yeah, well, we愉e keepin�
the champagne and the cheese...
Jacques-strap!
Let愀 go, honey.
What愀 wrong?
Where are we gonna stay, Tom?
Don愒 worry. This is like a vacation zone.
We惻l fiinda place.
Now get your shit, let愀 go.
What愀 the next place?
The next hotel with no vacancy would be...
Schloss Hootenvindergalt.
How far is it?
kilometers.
In miles, please.
. -- You multiply by point six.
Ho ho, I惴 learning so much.
Oh, me too. Me too.
Let me guess.
This is great. This is just what we needed.
Do you want me to drive?
Honey, I can drive in the snow.
Turn off your brights, jackass!
Great. Now we get to freeze to death.
Look, we惻l just--
We惻l sleep in here...
and we惻l dig out in the morning.
I惴 so glad I get to hear the phrase...
"We惻l dig out斐 on my honeymoon. Yeah.
Why don愒you just get it overwith now...
and blame me?
Well, if you hadn愒 insulted Henri at the hotel...
then we wouldn愒 be spending the evening in a snowball.
I惴 sorry. Next time...
I惻l try to be a little bit more refined...
Like your friend Peter.
Good night, Tom.
Good night, Sarah.
Great. There愀 no fucking tilt wheel in Europe.
Are you gonna hate me forever?
I don愒 know.
Wanna get drunk and make out?
Well, that愀 not gonna get me drunk.
But we could make out.
Mm-hmm.
We could get injured doing this.
I惻l settle fora cuddle.
Just let me get the shifter...
out ofimy,ass.
Okay.
Sarah.
I t愀 morning.
Oh, my--
Oh, my God.
Oh, it愀-- Wow!
Let愀 just stay here for the rest of the trip.
Fine with me.
- Hey! - Excuse me!
A little help here!
- Hi! - Hey!
Blue car! Blue car!
- Whoo! - Hey, it worked.
Okay,, we can catch the : train to Venice...
and go straight to the Gianna.
No, our reservation isn愒 till Tuesday.
So we惻l stay there a few extra days.
I just put an entire castle on my credit card.
We can愒 afford to stay at the Gianna...
for a few extra days.
So? I惻l call my dad up...
and he惻l lend us the money, okay?
No. No. There is no possible way...
I惴 taking money from your dad.
Pride is a crutch of the insecure.
You are not taking the money. I am taking the money.
No, we don愒 need to take the money.
This is about us now.
Listen, my dad told me...
about this nice little pensione in Venice.
Pensione?
Excuse me. Could you just drive?
Pleasejust let me call my, dad. Please?
No! This is our honeymoon. Not his.
So it愀 fine to just stay...
at some pensione that your father recommended.
Look, we愉e staying at the Pensione Funicello...
and we愉e gonna have a hell of a good time.
I can愒 take this anymore.
Honeymoons are supposed to be...
all champagne, and room service...
and lovemaking-- We haven愒 made love--
Andno, no, no. What do we get?
We get evicted from a five-star hotel...
and to boot, I惴 yelling at you!
We愉e yelling at each other!
We愉e not really yelling at each other.
I惴 the one that愀 yelling, and I惴 sorry...
and I wanna go home right now.
Maybe we should go home.
I know this honeymoon hasn愒 been perfect.
But I惴 sure that the pensione愀...
gonna be fine.
Look, we惻l check in...
sleep late, eat pasta...
gaze out at the Piazza del...
something, something.
It愀 gonna be heaven.
P.ensione Funicello?
Si, si.
Are you sure this is "correcto斐?
Si, si.
How bad could it be?
Aw, crap.
Hey.
We愉e in this together, right?
Do you have four men...
staring at your boobies right now?
No.
Yeah,just...
you know, we惻l try it for one night...
and if we don愒--
Live.
Like it...
we惻l... you know...
go somewhere nicer tomorrow.
- Grazie. - Grazie.
This is actually happening, okay?
We愉e never gonna forget this honeymoon.
Sorry.
Buona sera.
Want to show those paisans how it愀 done?
Cockroach! Cockroach! Cockroach!
Oh, honey! Honey!
Okay! Okay! Okay!
Let愀 get out of here, please?
We愉e checking out! We愉e checking out!
Get it off!. Get it off me!
Thanks forthe help, Daddy,.
Thanks forthe help, Daddy,.
I miss you.
Okay, bye.
Honey, he wants to talk to you.
Can愒 you just tell him...
Thank you from all of us here at the gorgeous Gianna?
Hello there, Mr. McNerney.
Please bear in mind that our daughter loves him, Dan.
Listen, Leezak--
Um, I don愒 expect a cracker like you...
to ever measure up...
to anything approaching what I would consider...
a good match for my daughter...
but I惻l tell you what I do expect.
I expect you to pay me back in full...
just as soon as that...
silly ass radio show of yours...
yields any kind of reasonable income.
Good-by,e, cracker.
Assbag!
What was that?
He called me a cracker.
A cracker, honey.
He did not. Huh.
What? That surprises you?
Your dad hates me.
Well, wonderful. Wonderful.
He愀 gotyour whole family...
praying that this marriage fails.
That愀 not fiair.
Mom愀 never said a bad word about you.
Wow! Pussy愀 never insulted me!
Now I feel loved!
Like your father愀 never judged me?
No, he hasn愒. Not once.
Maybe we should just have sex.
Call me crazy...
but I惴 just not in the mood to make love.
I惴 not either, but...
we haven愒 had sex once since we扉e been married.
And there is something very, very wrong with that.
And I have to tell you--
Why are you laugh-- It愀 not funny.
I惴 sorry.
I惴 concerned.
Let愀 go to sleep, we惻l get good rest.
We惻l sightsee tomorrow.
Be fresh in the morning.
Fine.
And then we惻l have sex.
Imagine Ernest Hemingway sitting right over there...
at the Caf� Florian...
just sipping a single malt...
dreaming up his next masterpiece.
God!
Those birds are psychotic.
History doesn愒 interest you at all. Does it, baby?
Yeah, it does.
I wasn愒 an Art History major though, so--
You don愒 have to be an Art History major...
to appreciate art.
- Whoa. Whoa. - What?
Doyou hear that?
The bells? No?
What is it, honey?
What?
- What? - Ah, ha ha ah.
- What? - Tsk, tsk, tsk.
What? What are we listening for?
What? What is it? I can help!
It愀 a message from God.
- It愀 a message. - God?
And there愀 a groundball...
up the middle fora base hit.
Jackpot!
Honey, we still have to see the Tintorettos.
Oh, the...
the church art is... unbelievable...
but it all kind of looks the same to me.
Now you know I love sports.
I mean, I惴 a sports freak.
But how often are we in Europe?
How often are the Dodgers on TV in Europe?
You愉e right. You go watch sports.
I惻l go see the Tintorettos.
Honey?
- Yeah? - Is--
Is this a loving act of generosity...
or am I going to pay for this later?
Does it make a difference?
I惴 going to make this up toyou, huge.
Huge.
Tonight, everything is your choice.
Dinner in a church if you want.
I惻l meet you at the hotel.
- I love you. - I love you.
Oh!
Grazie.
Grazie. Grazie.
Grazie, goddamn it!
Buon giorno, Fredo.
Oh, buon giorno, Mr. Peter Prentiss.
- Come sta? - Bene. Bene.
Peter?
Peewee, what a surprise!
What are you doing here?
- In Venice? - Yes.
In Venice, yes.
Nextron愀 buying out Ferugia Chocolate...
that deal that me and your dad were working on...
so they sent the kid in to close the deal.
Did you get that bottle of cognac I sent?
Uh, yes, I, uh...
thought it a tad inappropriate.
I惴 sor-- I didn愒, uh...
I惴 just trying to be the gallant loser here.
Peter--
Why don愒 we celebrate this great coincidence?
We愉e in Venice.
I惻l take you guys to dinner.
I惴 on my honeymoon.
My-- My honeymoon.
- See? Yeah.
I can be so thick sometimes.
Grazie. I惴 sorry.
I got a lot ofwork to do anyways...
so I惴 going to disappear.
You guys have fun.
Oh, Peter, wait.
Uh, I don愒 mean to be rude.
You couldn愒 be rude ifyou tried.
How愀 the honeymoon?
It愀 good? It愀 a dream?
It愀 great.
Oh, yeah. Great.
Where愀 Tom?
Oh, he愀, uh...
at the, uh...
the church with--
Uh, with, uh...
with-- He愀-- He愀 a huge history buff.
Yeah.
Wow.
Well, see? It愀 good that you guys share that passion.
Oh, yeah... yeah.
Well--
Bye.
Fredo...
I need to know where that little signora is...
at all times.
Verybold, Mr. Prentiss.
Grazie.
Dodgers won!
Dodgers won!
The Dodgers won, honey.
See...
I knew you were going to make me pay...
for watching the game.
No.
No, it愀 not that.
We need to talk.
About what?
Have you always told me the truth?
Yeah.
Except the time I told you...
I liked your brotherWillie.
- This is serious. - I am serious.
I really don愒 like him.
Marriage is built on honesty and trust.
- I totally agree. - Okay.
Then did you ever do something...
that you wanted to tell me about...
but you couldn愒 because you felt bad about it?
And the more time went on...
the harder it got foryou to tell me?
And then it turned into this big, fat lie...
so you kept not telling me about it--
Did you talk to Kyle?
No. Why?
No reason.
Does Kyle know something that I should know?
No.
You covered your nose.
I had an itch.
You were hiding flared nostrils.
What do you have to tell?
Okay.
It愀 just...
when Bags died...
he didn愒 exactly die...
the way that I described it.
Him chasing those squawking pigeons offthe balcony?
Yeah, that.
What happened?
Well--
Okay. I惴 reading my magazine...
and I惴 really-- I惴 focusing...
and I惴 really into it...
and along comes Bags, you know?
He comes trucking over...
andhe starts tugging on my,ankle.
And I was like, "Bags!�
I惴... I惴... I was like--
I think I even said, "I 惴 trying to focus."
Like, don愒-- And he looked up at me...
and he was giving me the look like...
"Hey,, are you gonna play,with me or not?�
And I was like...
"I really,just want to read though, Bags. �
And... I惴... and...
he started pulling on my ankle again.
So, I grabbed the ball...
and I was like, "Go get it, buddy,. �
And I threw the ball over my,shoulder...
and it went out the window...
and Bags dove, and he died.
You killed Bags?
It was an accident.
And you lied about it all this time?
Actually, it was more of an omission.
No, it was more like a lie!
Where are you going?
I have to figure out what to dowith this.
What does that mean?
I can deal with you being cheap...
and I can deal with you being a shitty driver.
I cannot not deal with you being a liar!
Whoa. Wait a second.
This whole thing started...
with you wanting to talk about something.
Well, I don愒 want to talk about it right now.
So you愉e feeling guilty about something too.
Yes, there is something I "omitted斐
that I don愒want to talk about right now.
You want a marriage based on trust and honesty?
Well, here愀 your chance.
Come on!
Yeah,yeah,you got it! I can see it!
Bring it!
I slept with Peter Prentiss.
What?
I slept with Peter--
I heard you!
I惴 sorry.
I need to hear everything.
No,you don愒.
Yes, I do. That愀 what I do.
That愀 what I do. I need to know everything.
Where you were, what he did...
how small his wiener was.
Everything!
I was helping on an appraisal in Seattle.
I don愒 want to hear it!
You slept with that--
It was a long time ago.
When?
- Before we-- - Got married?
- Yes! - Got engaged?
- Of course! - Got together?
Yes. No. No.
It was right after we met.
My parents were pressuring me to.
Aha--
Imagine my surprise.
I was confiused.
I惴 in Seattle.
He asked me out to dinner.
The champagne is flowing--
Please try not to break into song.
My feelings foryou...
were very, very strong...
and I needed to know that they,were real.
I wasn愒 brought up...
to manage feelings like that very well.
Yeah...
you had a real tough upbringing.
I need some air.
Yeah? Me too!
Happy now? You broke it!
Oh, by the way...
Peter愀 staying at the hotel.
That愀 funny!
- Hooker! - Murderer!
What愀 the score?
- top ofithe ninth.
Are you American?
Good guess.
Where愀 Tom?
We don愒 feel the need...
to be with each other all the time.
Okay.
I just find it odd that...
you愉e spending so much time apart on your honeymoon.
Are you okay?
Peter,just go. Please?
Go.
Sarah. Sarah.
Why are you still here, Peter?
I惴 not going to leaveyou here like this.
Listen. I have a car, all right?
I惴 having a quick drink at a friend愀 house.Just...
take a ride with me.
You know, catchy,ourbreath.
I惻l take you back to Tom.
Champagne?
Sure.
And that愀 the ball game!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! I love this song!
No, wait.
I really should go.
I can愒. No, listen--
Bernardo Salviati can actually...
trace his family back to Machiavelli.
Huh.
Oh, wow. That愀 a bighouse.
Nextron愀 thinking ofbuying it.
Turn it into a resort complex.
Buon giorno, Bernardo!
Peter, hello.
Good to see you.
Bernardo, Sarah McNerney.
Ciao, Bernie.
Tell me, pretty one.
What brings you to Venice?
I惴 on my honeymoon.
Your honeymoon?
Yeah.
But she愀 so young to be married.
Why does everyone keep on saying that?
Where愀 your husband?
Oh, I惴 going to meet up with him...
you know... Iater.
Yeah.
I was married for years before mywife pass away.
Believe me...
the first months are the most difficult.
Bernardo here愀 a...
a little bit of a romantic.
Hmm.
I love that.
Let愀 have a drink.
Please.
You愉e on the radio? That愀 awesome!
So...
when are we gonna go back to-- neeno, neeno, neeno?
Oh. Yeah.
I-- Uh, I can愒 do that.
What?
Don愒 tell me all the cute conversation...
and air humping is leading nowhere!
No!
Okay, you mean...
when are we gonna--
Okay,. All right.
So I惴 gonna go and hit the...
and then we惻l...
do that thing.
- Cool. - Okay.
I惻l be waiting.
Whoa!
And the hits just keep on coming!
Ciao.
Can I get the, uh, key to please?
Oh, and do you know if mywife愀 up in the room?
A good husband knows...
where his wife is at all time.
And a good maitre d�
answers questions when he愀 asked.
Look, I惴 not gonna pay you for an answer.
In this case, you should.
Your wife is in a car...
on her way to Salviati愀...
with Mr. Prentiss.
Mr. Peter Prentiss?
Hmm? Oh. Of course.
What愀 Salviati愀?
One of the oldest...
and most beautiful estates in Venice.
Maybe Mr. Peter will buy it.
Of course Mr. Peterwill buy it.
All right. Where is this place?
You can愒 go.
You will be shot on sight.
Okay, that愀--
Uh--
When are they coming back?
Your wife and Mr. Peter are out for the evening.
You know what? Naw, forget it.
I惴 not going to be waiting here for her when she gets back.
Oh, no!
I can愒 make out a word.
I want to say that, but I --
Salute.
Salute.
Sarah. Sarah. Sarah.
Maybe we should switch to water, huh?
I think we should go find Tom now.
That was the longest freakin� piss in Italian history.
Hey. Wendy, uh...
I couldn愒 find you in the crowd.
That愀 cool. Are you ready to go?
Uh... yeah.
Listen, um...
why don愒 I just, uh...
walk you back to your hotel...
and drop you off?
That sounds like a plan.
Okay. Um...
what hotel are you staying at?
What hotel are you staying at?
Uh, the Gianna.
Oh, my God! Me too!
Hey.
Oh, my God.
This is like a TwilightZone.
I couldn愒 agree with you more.
We愉e here.
Damn. I don愒 have my key.
Can I use your phone?
My-- My phone?
Yeah, to call downstairs...
for my key.
Yeah.
Oh, oh, oh.
Slow down there.
I think you got the wrong room.
Oh, my--
Whooo. Oh, God.
Insult me, radio man!
I惴-- I惴 on my honeymoon.
Yeah.
I惴 telling you--
You pig!
Grazie.
Thank you.
Hey.
What? What?
What?
I can愒 take this anymore.
I惴 on my honeymoon!
Gosh!
Calm down.
You were just doing the same thing with Wendy.
You have no right to be angry.
You slut!
Excuse me?
You had your tongue down his throat.
I saw it out the window!
Did you see me slap him, then?
Oh, don愒 give me that.
Some part of you wants him. Just say it!
Fine.
I惴 not gonna lie anymore.
Certain things would be easier given his background...
andasmallpart ofime thought...
that I wanted that once--
A very small part.
Why would you invite him on our honeymoon?
I didn愒 invite him.
I don愒 know how he found us.
Oh,yeah? Oh, well, may,be it was magic.
No, Peter must be a warlock.
That愀 yours.
Yeah, sure.
It matches perfect with my red leather panties!
Okay.
I met a woman at a bar.
Nothing happened.
You picked up a total stranger at a bar...
brought her back to our honeymoon suite...
and took off her disgusting red bra.
Nothing happened. I swear.
No, no, no. The bra just jumped off her bare naked breasts.
No, no, no. The bra just jumped off her bare naked breasts.
Sarah--
You sit there and make me feel guilty for a kiss--
A kiss that I didn愒 even want in the first place.
Don愒 tell me you didn愒 want it.
You wanted it! I could see from the balcony...
that you wanted it!
I惴 sorry! Oh, my God!
Son of a bitch!
Oh! My skull is on fire!
- Oh! Okay! Okay!
Who is it?
Room service.
-Just--
No, go away!
Listen, I惴 leaving. Last chance.
Come with me to Seattle.
Hello, Peter. So glad you could join us.
Welcome to the honeymoon from hell, shitheel!
What are you doing, Tom?
I think it愀 time for Peter and I to tangle!
See! You have no future with this lunatic!
Shut up, Peter!
Tom, you愉e acting like a crazy person.
Maybe it愀 惡ause I just got hit in the head...
with a -pound ashtray!
I gotta warn you, Leezak.
I studied karate with a Chinese grand master.
Yeah? Well, I hope he showedy,ou...
how to pull a fire poker outta your ass!
Tom, put the poker down.
Fredo, call the police!
Polizia! Polizia!
Move! Move! Move!
You sat...
at ourwedding.
You heard us take ourvows!
And you still have the nerve...
to show up on our honeymoon...
and try to have sex--
- Whoa! - With mywife!
- Run, you coward! - Get him!
You stay away from mywife!
Wait. Wait. Stop. That愀 my husband. Please.
Maybe they were right.
Who?
Everyone.
They,said that we were too young...
and that we needed to get to know each other better.
Maybe they were right.
Maybe love isn愒 enough.
What悲 he say?
Peter just bailed us out.
That愀-- That愀 just jim-dandy.
Forget it.
I惴 going home.
Yeah, me too!
Passports, please.
Are you leaving with any fruit, vegetables...
or any currency in excess of $ ?
No. No, but my husband does have...
two pounds of hash hidden in his rectum.
The first sex I had on my honeymoon...
was with a man named Santino...
andy,ou愉e laughing?
Excuse me, stewardess, can I--
Uh, could I get, uh, one ofthose, uh...
doughnut pillows for--
Yeah. Right away.
Sweet girl.
Excuse me. Sorry.
I feel like we扉e been married for years.
Oh, you should be so lucky.
You want to tell me how Peter ended up at the same hotel?
Want to tell me what really happened with Red Bra?
What? What? What areyou lookin� at?
I hope you used a rubber.
No, I didn愒. It didn愒 get that far.
I hope Peter used one though.
Oh, they don愒 sell condoms that big.
Ha. Ha. Ha-ha.
Yeah, that愀 funny. That愀 fun-- Hear that?
We got a comedian on the plane.
Yeah. You愉e a laugher.
You-- You want a laugh?
You want me to make you laugh?
You think I惴 really funny?
I惴 gonna move out when I get home.
Great! That愀 great!
- The second we get home. - Excellent. Know what?
- I惴 done talking now. - Me too.
And that was it.
Game over.
What愀 up?
She came back to the apartment.
Is she there now?
No, she left.
Did she say anything?
She took all herstuff.
It can愒 be good.
Oh, and she left you this.
Let愀 see.
Beer?
Come on, man.
You愉e gettin� divorced.
Breakfast beer is a must.
I need to talk to my dad.
Gimme a lift?
Sure.
Gonna tell me what you愉e chewin� on?
I just don愒 know if love is enough anymore.
What doyou mean, "enough斐?
I mean...
even if Sarah and I do love each other...
maybe we did need more time to get to know each other.
So--
What you愉e saying here is...
you had a couple of bad days in Europe...
and... it愀 over.
Time to grow up, Tommy.
Somedays your mother and me loved each other.
Other days we had to work at it.
You never see the hard days in a photo album...
but those are the ones...
that get you from one happy snapshot to the next.
I惴 sorry your honeymoon stunk...
but that愀 what you got dealt.
Now you gotta work through it.
Sarah doesn愒 need a guy with a fat wallet...
to make her happy.
I saw how you love this girl.
How you two lit each other up.
She doesn愒 need any more security than that.
Thanks, Dad.
Is it over?
Not even close.
What do you do here, Tom Leezak?
You no allowed here no more.
Open the gates, jack-in-the-box.
Me no jack-in-box.
You jack-in-box! Go away now!
Don愒 make me break my foot off in your ass.
All right. Look, Yuan. I just need to talk to her.
Relationship over.
She no like you anymore.
Open the goddamn gate!
Shut up, Kyle!
Look, Yuan, did she actually say those words toyou?
She said you have kee-kee with bimbo.
Same thing.
All right. We are not leaving this intercom...
until Sarah herself confirms...
that she is shit-cannin� Tom!
Or not.
All right. Damn it! You are--
That is damn straight! This is mywife!
Now, open up the gate!
Can愒 we just give the guy...
a chance to explain?
Don愒 even think about it, Dickie.
Look, here愀 the deal.
Either you愉e gonna open the gate...
or I惴 gonna open the gate. Either way, I惴 comin� in!
We惻l sic the hounds on you, Leezak.
Bring 悶m on, Willie!
Smooth today. The for--
Until its thickness--
What愀 going on?
You leave me no choice.
I惴 gonna have to ram the gate.
Oh, I am so down with that.
What do we do now?
Call the cops.
We call SWAT team on your ass.
I惴 ramming the gate.
I don愒 know if you愉e hearing...
but I am going to ram your gate.
What is the commotion in here?
Tom ram gate.
What the hell is this?
It愀 go time.
That is one strong gate.
Tom?
Look, Yuan, Willie, whoever else is listening.
You don愒 want me to be with Sarah...
and I can愒 change that.
I don愒 know where we愉e gonna be...
in years.
I don愒 know who we愉e gonna be.
I don愒 know ifl惴 ever gonna be able...
to give her all ofthis.
There are a million things that I don愒 know.
But there愀 one thing that I do.
And that愀 that I love Sarah.
And I am going to love her day in and day out...
for the rest of my life.
Now, will you please...
please...
open the gate so I can tell that to mywife.
I惴 sorry, man.
Sometimes when it愀 over, it愀 just...
over.
Drop the love bomb, baby!
Yeah!
Now do you get it?
I love him, Daddy.
Then go get him.
Hi.
Hi.
I惴 sorry.
Me too.
I miss you.
I miss you too.
I miss wrecking airplane bathrooms with you.
I miss sleeping with you inside a snowball.
And torching hotels in Europe.
I-- I miss doing time in prison with you.
Doyou wanna tryto--
Definitely.