Keeping Up With The Steins Script - Dialogue Transcript

Keeping Up With The Steins Script

  
  
( war drums)

  
(man on TV) The ceremonial passage
into manhood involves risk for the warrior.

  
If he triumphs over his prey,
he will be accepted as an adult.

  
If he fails, it will cost him
his future status in the tribe,

  
and possibly his life.

  
I wish it was that easy in my tribe.

  
See, I'm Jewish,
and our ritual is called a bar mitzvah.

  
We have to get up
in front of people

  
and give a speech in this really
hard language called Hebrew.

  
Then there's the party.

  
(foghorn blows)

  
In some neighborhoods,

  
the party becomes a lot more important
than anything else.

  
I live in one of those neighborhoods.

  
My problems started
at Zachary Stein's bar-mitzvah party,

  
which, believe it or not,
was on a cruise ship.

  
(drumroll)

  
(man) In 1912, we had the original Titanic,
in 1997, Titanic the movie,

  
and today, Titanic,
the bar mitzvah!

  
- Cue the iceberg.
- Icebergs.

  
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
the man of the hour, Zachary Stein!

  
( orchestral)

  
- Jaws are dropping, honey.
- I'm so proud of him.

  
- Cue the mermaids.
- Mermaids.

  
Zach wanted a movie theme,
but his parents wouldn't go for "Kill Bill."

  
Today I am...
the king of the Torah!

  
( "It's Your Party"
by the Lashes)

  
(cheering)

  
 I spent a month

  
 Tryin' to get attention from you

  
Whoo!

  
 I spent a month
doing everything I can...

  
(boy) This party rules!

  
 And I just wanna be invited...

  
Whoo!

  
 And I just wanna be...

  
- Look at all this ice cream.
- Is this low-carb?

  
(all talking)

  
This ice cream is awesome.

  
(boy) Great party, Zach!

  
The Steins were, like,
the happiest family in America.

  
The Fiedlers were, like, not, which is
a big-time bite, 'cause I'm with them.

  
My dad always wanted to be a movie
producer, but he became an agent,

  
which is like being a pimp
for TV and movie stars.

  
My mom's, like, normal.

  
- Is anyone here a relative?
- They're by the bathroom, actually.

  
It's just over the top.
It's too much.

  
- That's how we do business in this town.
- It's ridiculous. Thank you.

  
There I am,
the life of the party.

  
And there she is.

  
I thought Ashley was perfect.

  
She was totally hot, and she cared about
the important things in life.

  
- Is my lip gloss too shiny?
- No, it's great.

  
- I like your hair.
- It's gel.

  
Don't worry.
I fired him.

  
My father and Zach's were best friends
until my dad started his own agency

  
and took his two biggest clients with him.
They still act buddy-buddy, but it's all bull.

  
- Jo-Jo.
- Hey.

  
Wow... is all I can say. Wow.

  
Zach's stepmom's from Texas.
His dad met her at a wet T-shirt contest.

  
- I feel so much nachos.
- Nachas, Raylene. Nachas.

  
Isn't she adorable? You can take
the girl out of Dallas, which I did...

  
(fake laughs)

  
Well, Arnie, Raylene,
this is all so, um...

  
Impressive.

  
That's the point.

  
- Benjamin will bar mitzvah this summer.
- Yes.

  
What are you gonna do?

  
- Not much...
- We have surprises.

  
- Really?
- We have surprises.

  
- You'll need 'em.
- (fake laughs)

  
All right...
is everybody having fun tonight?

  
(guests cheering)

  
OK, crew, get ready,
because DJ Quik is in the hizzy.

  
( "The Hava Nagila Slide"
by Blake and Spizer)

  
Y'all ready to have a good time tonight?

  
(cheering)

  
We gonna party like we in Compton.
Everybody, sing with us.

  
 Hava nagila
Beer, wine, tequila

  
 Party here on all the way,
Zach became a man today

  
 Say, Hava nagila
Beer, wine, tequila

  
Sing it! Go, Zach,
go, Zach, go, Zach.

  
 Hava nagila
Beer, wine, tequila

  
 Before you love those chicks up
on your wife at this bar mitzvah

  
 You gotta meet my crew,
icebergs and babka, too

  
 It's goin' down tonight
Get low, get ready for the ride

  
 Hava nagila
Beer, wine, tequila

  
 Before you meet my crew
you got to have a drink, too

  
 Hava nagila
Beer, wine, tequila

  
(woman) Give it up
for DJ Quik, everybody!

  
(cheers and applause)

  
( "Shiny Happy People"
by The Polyphonic Spree)

  
Here we go.

  
 Doot doot doot doot
Doot doot doo-doot...

  
 Shiny happy people
holding hands

  
 Shiny happy people
holding hands

  
 Shiny happy people laughing

  
 Shiny happy people
holding hands

  
 Shiny happy people...

  
Now here we have a Versace-themed
confirmation that was held at the Vatican.

  
And here is a Rastafarian gay marriage
which was held in Encino.

  
And here... Oh, we had
a Las Vegas-themed faux mitzvah.

  
We were talking about upscaling our plans.

  
- A little.
- Lot. Lot.

  
- We must zero in on a theme.
- Yes.

  
We can't really do anything
until we zero in.

  
I'm not here.
I'm invisible.

  
I'm just the grandmother, and if I happen
to have an opinion, I'll keep it to myself.

  
Sit, Miss Invisible.

  
Benji, do you have
any idea how lucky you are?

  
This will be amazing, but before we do
any of it, we have to pin down our theme.

  
Do more pinning,
more pinning.

  
I'm a little shaky
on my themes right now.

  
- We need to make sure...
- We know what we're doing.

  
That's what we need to make sure of.
It's three months away.

  
We have no idea what we're doing.
That's a problem right now.

  
- Oy.
- What?

  
- I'm not saying anything.
- We have the temple reserved.

  
Joanne, it doesn't matter what happens
at the temple. It's the party that counts.

  
Benjamin, does this have something
to do with Zachary's bar mitzvah?

  
What are you talkin' about?
He had a great time. We all did.

  
I thought the killer whale
with the yarmulke was...

  
- Yeah. I thought that was...
- Fantastic.

  
...a bit too much.
We're not gonna go that far.

  
They thought that was
the highlight of the party.

  
It was for me. How did you
get the yarmulke to stay on?

  
- Velcro.
- Wow.

  
Shamu is Jewish?

  
Is it because you don't wanna
compete with his bar mitzvah?

  
We'll blow the Stein bar mitzvah away.

  
- Whoo!
- Yeah.

  
I'm not saying anything,
but I'm thinking something.

  
Benjamin, we have to know what
we're doing, and we have to know now.

  
I had no idea what I wanted,
except for everyone to leave me alone,

  
so I said the first thing
that popped into my head.

  
- Baseball?
- Baseball!

  
- That's a hell of a theme.
- Baseball.

  
Let the games begin.

  
So that's what it is, Rose.
First pass at a guest list - 612.

  
Oh, my goodness.
That's a lot of money.

  
(Adam) These are clients -
studio, network executives.

  
Who do I leave off?
I don't know where to begin.

  
Rose, that's what we need
to discuss with you.

  
Of course, dear.

  
What are you doing?

  
I may get hungry for a little nosh later,

  
and a meal's not a meal unless there are
leftovers. That's what your father said.

  
She's stealing butter again, OK?
I blame him for all this.

  
Rose, that's what we need to discuss.
We need to know if we should invite Irwin.

  
Irwin my husband?

  
- Why do you still call him that?
- Because that's what he is.

  
- He left you 26 years ago.
- What does that have to do with anything?

  
- Normal people get a divorce.
- If that would make you happy?

  
- He abandoned us.
- Oh, please.

  
I don't hold on to that anger.

  
- He's a bum.
- Don't you call your father a bum.

  
- You've called him a bum many times.
- He's my bum, but he's your father.

  
Rose, we want you to be comfortable.

  
Would it make you uncomfortable
having Irwin at the bar mitzvah?

  
I'm just the grandmother.

  
I let people live their lives.

  
I don't think it's up to me
to make that decision.

  
- (cellphone rings)
- (clears throat)

  
I'm right in the middle of dinner with my
family, so that's why I can't take any...

  
Queen Latifah? Put her through.
Hold on. I gotta take this.

  
What is he doing?

  
See? Instead of focusing
on the bar mitzvah,

  
he's focusing
on his shpilkes with Irwin.

  
And that's when it hit me.

  
If I invited the grandfather I never met

  
and got him to come here
two weeks early,

  
my father would be so freaked out

  
that he would stop driving me insane
about my bar mitzvah.

  
So I sent him
an invitation myself.

  
Let's fill the hills with howling vowels!

  
(all) A...

  
E...

  
I...

  
O...

  
U

  
and sometimes Y!

  
Very good.

  
And that's why learning to read English
is such a pain,

  
because sometimes a letter has two
different sounds, like "ooh," "oh."

  
- That's not fair.
- 'Course it's not fair.

  
- What do you expect from the white man?
- (bell rings)

  
- But we'll do history tomorrow.
- (man) Let's go. Time for lunch.

  
- (girl) I want pizza.
- (boy) I want a cheeseburger.

  
And French fries and a milkshake.

  
Brussels sprout
and lima bean sandwiches. Yum!

  
Oh, boy, your favorite.

  
Thank you, Mother Earth, for all your
bountiful gifts and for all our relations.

  
(both) Aho.

  
I keep forgetting to give you this.

  
Maybe I'll get to meet Rose,
your son and your grandson.

  
What the hell is this? What are you
opening my mail for, thank you?

  
I always open your mail.

  
- Look at this.
- Ooh.

  
Who has a bar mitzvah
at Dodger Stadium?

  
Why don't they just throw the money
down the toilet?

  
- Aren't you glad they invited you?
- Mm, I never liked L.A.

  
 Cold coolin' at a bar

  
 And I'm lookin'
for some action

  
 But like Mick Jagger said,
I can't get no satisfaction

  
 The girls are all around

  
 But none of them
wanna get with me

  
 My threads are fresh, and I'm lookin' def
Yo, whassup with L-o-c?

  
(bell rings)

  
After his bar mitzvah, Zach had to go
to Hebrew school one more time,

  
basically to kiss butt.

  
Keep working hard.

  
In the end, you will find
that it was all... well worth it.

  
Thank you, Zachary. We'll talk to Zachary
about continuing his Hebrew studies

  
with confirmation classes.

  
Ashley, why don't you recite
your Haftorah for the class?

  
- I'd be happy to, Cantor Nathan. Can I...?
- Yes, you can wear your hat.

  
(Ashley chanting in Hebrew)

  
- What'd you do to your hair?
- (grunts)

  
Man, you're gonna do fine.

  
Yeah, but you were so cool up there
at your bar mitzvah, Zach.

  
I'll be dying at mine.

  
I guess it's time I told you about my trick.
It works every time.

  
When I get nervous, I stick my hand
in my pocket and squeeze my balls.

  
- Come on.
- It takes your mind off your nerves.

  
Amazing.

  
A month ago,
Ashley didn't have tits.

  
Now she's got...

  
They're called
secondary sexual characteristics.

  
Oh. Shut up, Karen.
Just 'cause your father's a doctor.

  
(whispers) An endocrinologist.

  
Leave her alone, Zach.

  
I've noticed the two of us
are late developers.

  
My father was a late developer. The
tendency is inherited from your parents,

  
so yours must be
late developers, too.

  
The last club I ever wanted
to be a member of

  
was Karen Sussman's
Late Developers' Club.

  
Good morning, Rabbi.

  
Very good. Students focused and ready.
Questions, anyone?

  
I'll be on Bill O'Reilly discussing
my new book The Passion of the Jews,

  
which is now available at Barnes & Noble,
Borders Books and online at Amazon, com.

  
Keep up the good work.

  
Ashley, continue where you were.

  
Do you think anyone
gets anything out of a bar mitzvah?

  
Yeah, like a wad of Israel bonds
that matures when you're dead.

  
- Not what I mean.
- The whole thing's bogus.

  
It's not like you're suddenly a man.

  
You're still not allowed
to smoke or drink or drive a car.

  
I wasn't getting laid before my bar mitzvah,
and I'm not getting laid now.

  
That was great, Ashley. Thanks.
Why don't you take a seat? Thanks.

  
Benjamin, why don't you
come up here next?

  
- Is your throat still hurting you?
- Ow.

  
I want you to get comfortable
chanting in front of a congregation.

  
(whispers) Can't talk.

  
Next week, on the bimah in the sanctuary,
or I want a note from your parents.

  
- (bell rings)
- OK?

  
Yeah, totally.

  
- Is Ashley coming to your bar mitzvah?
- I don't know.

  
- Go ask her.
- No.

  
- No, go...
- No...

  
- Ask her, will you?
- No...

  
Ashley.

  
Hi. Uh, I wanted to invite you to my, uh,
bar mitzvah. It's going to be really different.

  
- What did you do to your hair?
- Gel. What do you think?

  
- (horn honks)
- Oh, my ride's here. Bye.

  
- How'd it go?
- Terrible.

  
- Hey, Adam!
- Hey.

  
Hold up, hold up.

  
- Here's a funny coincidence.
- I didn't know you were a runner.

  
- All the time. Love it.
- That's great.

  
So, I heard you hired
my party planner, huh?

  
- Casey Nudelman.
- The best.

  
She's great.
We got some stuff goin'.

  
You do? So, what? What, specifically?
What kind of ideas?

  
We're in R&D right now.
I can't divulge that information.

  
R&D. Don't hand me that.
I'm trying to help you.

  
And you would be a great help.
I'm gonna let you know.

  
- What do you mean?
- I'll give you a ring.

  
And I saw you hiding behind the tree.
You haven't run a day in your life.

  
(car alarm chirps)

  
- (Adam) You wanna get in close?
- (man) Close on his face.

  
Hey, morning, buddy.
This is Terrence Smythe.

  
He's a filmmaker.
We're shooting for the bar mitzvah.

  
He won a bunch of awards. He was gonna
do Beyoncé, but he's doin' us instead.

  
No, no, just ignore us. Be yourself, kid.
Act natural, act natural.

  
Like the Real World?

  
- Word. Exactly. Like the Real World.
- (mower buzzing)

  
Can you get rid of the gardener?

  
No problem. I'll take care of it.
You're doin' great.

  
Good, good. Stay with him.
Close on the face.

  
Good, good.

  
I gotta go to the bathroom.

  
Go, go, go, go.
Go ahead. Go to the bathroom.

  
(whispering) Let's go. Go, go, go.
Stay with him.

  
I have the charity tonight.
We'll do the seating chart tomorrow.

  
You got it.
Did I tell you about the gift bags?

  
Everyone gets major-league uniforms
with their names on it.

  
What do you think? Is that cool?
Shawn Green can't make it,

  
but he'll put something on tape.
We'll put it on the JumboTron.

  
And I pulled a few favors. Neil Diamond
is gonna sing the national anthem.

  
(engine backfiring)

  
(Irwin) What a fancy neighborhood.
Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.

  
- He might have a guard dog or something.
- (woman) Irwin.

  
(telephone rings)

  
Hello?

  
Hello, this is Irwin Fiedler.

  
Hi.

  
- Hello, Joanne?
- Yes.

  
- So how is the family?
- Fine.

  
Well, enough small talk,
I'm in Los Angeles.

  
- Yeah, let me give you to Adam.
- No, no, no, no.

  
- What happened?
- I hung up.

  
- Hello?
- (dial tone)

  
- Who was it?
- It was your father.

  
(doorbell rings)

  
Hello.

  
Was that them?

  
Did you invite him
when I asked you not to?

  
- I don't know. Maybe.
- What does that mean?

  
I might have sent them
an invitation by mistake.

  
I'll tell you something.
I'm glad they're here for the bar mitzvah,

  
because he's Benjamin's grandfather. Hi!

  
That was pleasant.
You wanna push us down the steps?

  
- What are you doin' here?
- You invited us to the bar mitzvah.

  
We did?

  
It's not for two weeks.

  
The invitation said tomorrow. Look at this
here. Here's the invitation. It said tomorrow.

  
You're losing it, old man.

  
Who are you calling an alter kocker,
you little pisher? What is this here?

  
Please. Let's not shoot this.

  
What's up?
You said you wanted the real.

  
This has nothing
to do with the bar mitzvah.

  
- Get tight on the blonde.
- Is this Queer Eye for the Straight Goy?

  
Cut out the unfunny stuff. That's unusable.
Get some cutaway stuff in the backyard.

  
Thanks.
This is not gonna be in the...

  
Listen, let's try again.
This is Sacred Feather.

  
- This is angry humorless son.
- Ah, another great joke.

  
And his wonderful family.

  
- Hi, I'm Joanne. Sacred Feather?
- Yes.

  
- Come on in, guys.
- Oh, thank you.

  
Oh! Oh, uh...

  
Offering. Sage.

  
Hi, Irwin.
Good to see you.

  
And it's you, Benjamin. Wave that around
a little. It'll bring positive energy.

  
Sniff it, don't smoke it.
Hey, Benjamin.

  
So, Sacred Feather is a beautiful name.
Where does that come from?

  
Sandy Frost, actually.

  
I've taught on the reservation
on and off for years,

  
and Irwin likes to call me
by my adopted tribal name.

  
She got me the teaching job
on the reservation.

  
She's fascinated with all cultures.

  
Here, honey,
it's not working.

  
I've spent time with the Oguz in Turkey
and with the Koryak in Siberia.

  
And now the Fiedlers of Brentwood.

  
(strained laughter)

  
- May I use your restroom?
- Sure. I'll show you. Come on.

  
Thank you.

  
Red hair.
Who would have thought?

  
I certainly remember you.
Do you remember me?

  
From the Bris?
He was 11 seconds old.

  
- Is that my fault?
- Whose fault is it?

  
I don't recall receiving
that many invitations to visit.

  
That's right.

  
It's not as if you return my phone calls.

  
Oh, gosh, that Sacred...
Sandy seems like such a lovely girl.

  
Oh, yes, she's very lovely.

  
Even more important,
she can drive at night.

  
Tell me, are you still
writing your stories?

  
Oh, no, no. I stopped writing
a while ago after I had a child.

  
I just didn't seem to have the time.

  
- Hey. How you doin'?
- Good.

  
You're a real pretty girl.
What are you doin' with that old dude?

  
Oh, he's great.
I'm not ageist.

  
- I'm a vegan.
- Hey, me too.

  
Yeah, I could tell,
'cause your eyes are really clear.

  
(Sacred Feather laughs)

  
- Is someone always filming your life?
- Ohh.

  
It's for our bar-mitzvah video
for the people that are in our life.

  
Do you hear that tone of voice?
Listen, if you want me to leave, I'm leaving.

  
- That'd be fantastic.
- What? No. No.

  
We have a guest bedroom downstairs
that you are welcome to use.

  
That's where my mother stays, so...

  
She has her own room upstairs.
Rose is in Palm Springs.

  
- She lives with you guys?
- She does live with us, yeah.

  
She's visiting a friend in the desert, so feel
free to have the guest bedroom downstairs.

  
I don't think that'll be necessary if I can
just bring my camper in the driveway

  
and have bathroom access.

  
My house is now a trailer park
with bathroom access.

  
You know what?
Enjoy the pool, the Jacuzzi.

  
We'll just feel our way through this.

  
- OK, Irwin.
- Thanks.

  
Let me show you the kitchen.

  
Come on,
give Grandpa a big hug.

  
Maybe tomorrow.

  
( banjo)

  
(man) We'd like to call up grandparents
Marvin and Millie to light a candle.

  
- (cheering)
- (woman) All right!

  
You OK?

  
Yeah.

  
I haven't watched this in 20 years.

  
Oh, it's your bar mitzvah.

  
My cousin Bobby's.
Leonard's of Great Neck.

  
The full Viennese table.

  
This one's mine.
That's Uncle Hyman on the banjo.

  
He's technically deaf.

  
Worst time of my life. Look at me.
Couldn't be more miserable.

  
- Why haven't I ever seen this before?
- Complete and utter shame.

  
- (Joanne) Well, the food looks delicious.
- (Adam) Irwin got a deal with the butcher.

  
Can you imagine how humiliating it was
to hand out these?

  
"Phil's Kosher Butcher.

  
'You can beat our prices,
but you can't beat our meat."'

  
Come on. See, now, I was 13 years old.
I was devastated.

  
OK, you have to admit,
it's a little funny now.

  
Maybe to you.

  
(man) And now we raise up the father
and son, bonding together in manhood.

  
(boy) Come on, get in the chair.

  
Come on, Adam.
Get in the chair.

  
Come up here with me.
Come on, Adam. Come up here.

  
Oh, you won't even let them
lift you up in the chair. Oh, my...

  
Rose, go get him!

  
We only have the room
for another half an hour.

  
Oh, honey.

  
This bar mitzvah is gonna be
completely different.

  
Benjamin is so lucky.

  
He has a dad who only wants
to give him the best.

  
- No parents till 9:00?
- Yeah.

  
This is totally foolproof, man. You pour
a real little bit from each open bottle.

  
Even my dad's eagle eye detects nothing.

  
- I can't believe we're doing this.
- It's about becomin' a man, my man.

  
- (belches)
- (coughs)

  
Whoo!

  
I can't believe
our parents drink this stuff.

  
They're always smiling and laughing.
I mean, it's disgusting.

  
- Maybe it tastes better if we mixed it right.
- Is it hot in here?

  
Man, that stuff got a pop to it.
I just got a major rush.

  
(Sacred Feather squeals)

  
Look out!
Here I come, ready or not!

  
Wahoo!

  
Landed on my hoohaw.

  
Maybe I'm just drunk, but you got
two naked people in your pool.

  
That dude is way old.

  
- (Benjamin) That's my grandfather!
- (giggles)

  
- Well, your grandma's a hottie.
- Oh, yeah.

  
My parents are home.
My parents are home, you guys!

  
- You said they wouldn't be home till 9:00.
- They're home now.

  
God, my dad's gonna crap.
My dad's gonna kill us.

  
My dad's gonna crap.
My dad's gonna kill us.

  
Is he gonna crap or gonna kill us?

  
First he's gonna crap,
then he gonna kill us!

  
God, I don't wanna die.

  
...nauseous.
- Please.

  
- The guy's such a pompous ass.
- He's a top-earning client.

  
You have no problem
putting up with my crazy father,

  
but you walk out on the guy
that pays our mortgage.

  
I'd rather move to the valley.

  
(all talk at once)

  
What are these the tops for?

  
Get a napkin.

  
Speaking of Irwin,
my parents are gone.

  
So let Benji have a grandfather
for a couple of weeks.

  
That's what a bar mitzvah is all about -
families sharing, generations connecting,

  
traditions passed down.

  
Hi, guys.

  
Hey, what's goin' on, Timmy?

  
How you doin', man?

  
All right. Zach.

  
Ben.

  
(sneezes)

  
(Joanne) Bless you.

  
What are you guys up to?

  
(muffled) Nothing.

  
You guys gettin' into some trouble.

  
Well, gotta go.

  
Yeah, gotta go. Shalom.

  
Shalom.

  
- (water splashes)
- Ha-ha!

  
Sacred Wet Feather.

  
Uh...

  
I gotta go... (hiccups) study,
so, see ya.

  
Are you kidding me? Let Benji have
a grandfather for a couple of weeks

  
so he can watch him having weird, naked,
hippie sex out in the Jacuzzi, huh?

  
Look at that. Thanks, Joanne.
Thank you for that. Thanks.

  
Don't. That tickles.

  
Hello. There are children in the house.

  
- That's my gallbladder.
- Excuse me.

  
Hi.

  
You're home early,
Mr. Big Shot.

  
Yeah, Benjamin is very upset,
just so you know.

  
The kids saw that.
They left.

  
He's up in his room.
He's completely distraught. And he... Oh.

  
I don't want to upset Benjamin.

  
- He went up to his room.
- I'm gonna go and apologize to him...

  
No, please, you've done
enough harm as it is.

  
No, no, I have to
apologize to Benjamin.

  
I didn't know his friends were over.
Joanne, I apologize to you.

  
You wrap up your ass?

  
Hi, Joanne.

  
- Hi.
- Hi.

  
Your pool is so awesome.

  
Oh...

  
Thank you. Hi.

  
We just, um,
we retiled it, so...

  
- It's beautiful.
- Thank you.

  
Hey, you guys should really
consider ozone,

  
'cause this chlorine is so toxic.

  
Oh, yeah. I like it...
I like it really... I like it clean.

  
Oh.

  
- Do you need a towel?
- I'll get it.

  
(knock on door)

  
Come in.

  
Benjamin, I'm sorry
if I embarrassed you and your friends.

  
What are you doin' there,
Benjamin?

  
It would be better if it was this way.

  
This is a much better
interpretation of the Haftorah.

  
Now let me... Aah.

  
What is this thing?

  
Um, video game.

  
- A video game for fishing?
- Mm-hmm.

  
Why would you video-fish
if you could go fishing for real?

  
(groans)

  
You know, fishing is a wonderful thing,
you know that, Benjamin?

  
All the kids at the reservation tell me
they figure things out when they go fishing.

  
The difference is -
Fulton Fish Market fish and fish you catch -

  
is you gotta gut the fish you catch.

  
You gotta rip the guts outta the fish,
and it comes pouring out. Yecch.

  
And, yeah, it makes you a little queasy.
Would you like some fish now?

  
Drunk or stoned?

  
Breathe. Come on, breathe.

  
Breathe.

  
Aha.

  
Yeah, that's gin,
that's Scotch.

  
Please don't tell my parents.

  
You gotta try things,
Benjamin... once.

  
Once, a philosopher.
Twice, I tell.

  
Why do you keep on shpinning?

  
Shpinning?
I'm shpinning?

  
Well, sometimes there's shpinning
and there's shpitting.

  
Wait. Here you go.

  
- And... Oh!
- (vomiting)

  
Slam dunk,
right in the bucket. There you go.

  
Niagara Falls in color.
That's always good.

  
What is this?
Go ahead.

  
This is good. It prepares you for college.
This is part of the ritual of growing up.

  
There you go.

  
You're thin, you're pale,
you could be a supermodel.

  
OK. You just lay there
and try to burp.

  
I'm gonna take care
of the shpitting, OK?

  
- (water runs)
- (knock on door)

  
Benji, I wanted to see if you guys were OK.
Where's Irwin?

  
Benjamin ate some bad tuna fish.

  
When did he have tuna fish?

  
I don't know.
They buy things off carts these days.

  
Ohh.

  
I smell alcohol.

  
Yes, yes, it was me.

  
You know, a little schnapps, then the
Jacuzzi. We come out like a wet noodle.

  
Yes. Yeah.

  
No fever.

  
He's fine.
He's a fine young man.

  
I have a little problem.
Could I ask you a question?

  
You won't tell Adam. You know how he
gets so upset. Don't tell him I had a drink.

  
- Bad enough he saw me...
- He needs a drink.

  
(mouths)

  
- What he doesn't know doesn't hurt him.
- He gets intense, Adam.

  
(sighs)

  
Try a two-handed backhand.
Same grip, and then low to high.

  
- End up right there at the net.
- Ah.

  
- Remember to drop your shoulder.
- Drop. Low to high.

  
Let's see what you got.
You ready?

  
The first Jewish U.S. Open champion.
That's what I'm talkin' about.

  
You're in trouble now...

  
I want nothing more than for you
to kick my butt in tennis.

  
It was hard for me. I didn't have anyone
showing me how to do this.

  
I know, Dad.

  
I will always be there for you -
always. All right?

  
I just want you to have the biggest
bar mitzvah in the history of bar mitzvahs.

  
There she is.

  
Ta-da!

  
A technicolor grandma.

  
You clean up well.

  
- Hi.
- Hi, sweetheart.

  
Oh, my.

  
- Hi, Grandma.
- Hi, sweetheart.

  
You're a boy, you're a man,
you're a boy, you're a man.

  
I'm so confused,
but not unhappy.

  
Irwin.
Oh, my goodness.

  
Is that you, Irwin,
under all that oldness?

  
It's me, Rose,
withered but wiser.

  
But, boy, you just,
you know, you look terrific.

  
Thank you.

  
What is the proper mode of greeting
in such a situation?

  
Is it, uh...

  
Is it too much to ask for a hug?

  
No.

  
(Rose chuckling)

  
- Hello.
- Hi.

  
- I'm Rose Fiedler.
- Hi, Rose.

  
And you must be that young, beautiful,
far-too-good-for-him girlfriend.

  
- Sandy Frost. It's nice to meet you.
- Let's go inside.

  
OK.

  
- Here, let me help...
- No.

  
(mutters) No, no, no...

  
(Irwin) Oh, boy.

  
This is a meal,
and it sure beats eating in a trailer.

  
(Benjamin) You eat in that thing?

  
O Great Spirit, we want to walk in beauty
in this beautiful house of dawn.

  
I am praying in a humble way. We walk
on this Mother Earth in this sacred way.

  
We hope to follow you, Mother Medicine.
Bless us.

  
(both) Aho.

  
Aho.

  
Uh-ho?

  
Aho is Navajo. "Uh-oh" is the Cleveland
Indians. "Bless the food" in Navajo.

  
Actually Navajo is a Spanish word for
"savage." "Dineh" is what they prefer.

  
But I throw in a little pagan and Zen,
'cause I believe in the pan-deity concept.

  
I think that's marvelous.

  
Sandy, I'm sorry.
Can I make you some eggs?

  
No, thank you. I don't eat any unborn
fetuses. This is perfect. Thanks.

  
No offense, Joanne,
but she's a vegan.

  
Oh.

  
Rose, tell me, how long have you
been livin' with the kids here?

  
This isn't my permanent home.
I'm looking for a place for myself.

  
- How long are you looking?
- Nine years.

  
(laughter)

  
You know, Rose, I don't recall
your brisket being this tender.

  
We didn't exactly have the money
for the good cuts, Irwin, remember?

  
So, were you guys sort of poor?

  
I don't know poor. I was a salesman my
whole life, but I wasn't very good at it.

  
I was not a breadwinner.

  
I was a bread loser.
Ba-dum boom.

  
(laughs)

  
You could always make me laugh, Irwin.

  
And you me, Rose.
We had a lot of laughs together.

  
- What's wrong?
- It's like they're having a party out there.

  
- You want them to hate each other?
- Better yet, she should hate him.

  
That's mature.

  
Irwin is having such a wonderful time.
Have you noticed their connection?

  
Who are the connectees?

  
Rose and Irwin.
They have such a powerful connection.

  
Oh.

  
How's that make you feel?

  
Profoundly moved.

  
- Strudel.
- Oh. Let me help you.

  
Irwin's happy to take Benjamin
to Hebrew school tomorrow.

  
Fine by me.

  
Mr. Suddenly Helpful.

  
My plan wasn't really working.

  
(camper door closes)

  
Irwin definitely freaked my dad out...

  
(Adam) How's the seating chart coming?

  
...but he was still bar mitzvah crazy.

  
Come here.
Check this out. Look.

  
- OK.
- Look.

  
- Why is my aunt Rita in Siberia?
- She's just not near the dance floor.

  
No, it's Siberia. She's gonna need
a dog sled and a parka. There you go.

  
You can't put her next to your aunt Gladys.
They don't talk, right?

  
Put her at one of the other "A" tables.

  
Who was the genius who came up with
"some tables are 'A,' some tables are 'B"'?

  
Just the way it is.
"A" teamers and "B" teamers.

  
Good. I'm just gonna have to take some
of your clients from the "A" teamers

  
and put 'em with the "B" teamers.

  
What? You'll put Catherine Zeta-Jones
by the bathroom?

  
Not good for anyone.

  
It doesn't help, by the way,
that my father is here

  
being weird and getting naked
with his ponytail.

  
I think Irwin's trying.

  
Tell me about Hebrew school.

  
Aw, come on.
Nobody likes Hebrew school.

  
Oh, I'm sure you must like something.
Your rabbi, the cantor, your Haftorah.

  
- All right.
- Tell me about it.

  
Here's the thing. You see the rabbi
for about ten seconds each class,

  
and the divorced moms
are always flirting with the cantor,

  
and I don't understand
a word of my Haftorah.

  
We'll work on that. Listen.

  
What's your favorite thing
about being Jewish?

  
I don't know.
Bagels and lox?

  
Not a terrible answer,

  
but maybe
there should be a little more.

  
( hard rock)

  
(laughs)

  
- What's so funny?
- This guy is goin' at it.

  
Oh.

  
(over PA) Hello, Mr. Nose Picker!

  
You think it's pleasant enjoying the day...

  
Suddenly we have to watch you
digging for gold.

  
Ha. Bye, Mr. Nose Picker.

  
- Do you do that a lot back home?
- When necessary.

  
Just so you know, we're in Los Angeles,
and drive-by shootings were invented here.

  
Well, nose pickers are rarely violent,
and if they are, I have my cane.

  
Great.

  
(engine knocks,
backfires, stops)

  
What are you doing?
You're just supposed to drop me off.

  
I couldn't get rid of Irwin,
and I couldn't get out of rehearsing.

  
Your grandfather's tall.
There's still hope for you.

  
Everyone, please find a seat.
Why don't you, uh...?

  
I'll stay back here.

  
(cantor) OK, Evan, start us off.

  
- Hurry.
- (Evan chanting in Hebrew)

  
Scoot over.

  
Girls, please find a seat.

  
(whispers) You know, Ashley... Ashley.

  
I've been meaning to ask you.

  
I know the mail isn't so dependable.
We're having the party at Dodger Stadium.

  
We're gonna get to run the bases.
Famous baseball players will be there...

  
Benjamin.

  
Let's go.
It's your turn.

  
(feedback whine)

  
(feedback humming)

  
It's fine.

  
From the top.

  
(chanting badly in Hebrew)

  
(trails off)

  
(giggles)

  
Continue.
It's right here.

  
- Um...
- Come on.

  
(continues chanting badly)

  
That's enough.
You still have a week and a half.

  
You know what? Let's call it a day.
You guys, class dismissed.

  
Benjamin, I'd love to come
to your bar mitzvah.

  
Sorry I didn't get back to you sooner.

  
(girl) Ashley!

  
I gotta go, but put me down
as a totally definite yes.

  
Bye.

  
- Bye, girls. Bye, Irwin.
- Bye, Ashley.

  
- What did you say to her?
- Who?

  
Oh, Ashley.
I said, "Bye, Ashley."

  
In there.

  
Well, we were chatting, you know.

  
She's very nice.
Quite a looker.

  
But a little narcissistic, a little shallow.
But really very nice.

  
But after she talked to you, she said
that she was coming to my bar mitzvah.

  
So what did you say?

  
She said she was into horses,
and I said I was into horses, too.

  
Yeah.

  
And I told her...
I'd buy her a horse.

  
What?

  
I know this Navajo guy.
He has a lot of Shetlands.

  
You know those little ponies,
the ones nobody wants,

  
the fershlugginer ones?

  
Well, I can get one of those free.

  
Yeah, but does she know
that she's getting a midget horse?

  
- Great game, honey.
- Adam? Adam Fiedler?

  
Arnie. Hey.

  
Don't forget we have to stretch.

  
- Thought you didn't see me for a second.
- I was hoping it wasn't you.

  
- I got your invitation to Dodger Stadium.
- Yeah.

  
- Ambitious bar-mitzvah venue.
- Thank you. Hey, Raylene.

  
- Hey, Adam. Are you up next?
- If you guys are done.

  
- Who'd you get for Dodger Stadium?
- Haven't gotten there yet.

  
- You're kidding. Haven't booked icons?
- No. It's too early for the icons.

  
Get him. It's never too early.
Let me give you some advice.

  
Oh, good.

  
Never overreach on the venue and
under-deliver on talent. It's embarrassing.

  
- That was good. I got a match. I gotta go.
- Who you playin' with?

  
New client. Just signed him. Gonna be
a big deal. But he's a private guy, so...

  
New client, huh?
Congratulations.

  
Casey, I love the idea of Dodger Stadium.
I just don't wanna under-deliver on talent.

  
I want Benji to remember this day
for the rest of his life. OK, Casey? Uh-huh.

  
So I want a grand entrance.
Not jumping out of a plane.

  
Jews don't jump.
Or a helicopter or a hovercraft.

  
No, I want...
Put him on a jet pack.

  
How about a jet pack?

  
I always wanted to be five feet
by my bar mitzvah.

  
I'm not even gonna come close.

  
We can solve that. It's an easy problem.
We go to the shoe store, we buy lifts.

  
Why don't you rebound a little?
I'm running all over the place.

  
We should discuss your flirting.

  
I don't mean to be harsh,
but you're terrible.

  
- That bad, huh?
- Yeah.

  
You're supposed to make a girl feel
beautiful and sexy and fascinating.

  
How can you get there if you talk so fast
they can't get a word in edgewise?

  
And whatever farkakte thing a girl says,
you agree. Women love agreeing.

  
- Nice shot.
- Come here.

  
Take one shot. We're out here.
You can't just sit here. Here you go.

  
Snap your wrist and push.
Bend your knees and...

  
There ya go!

  
I wanna get a big-name rapper
to open it up. Like, how much for 50 Cent?

  
OK, how about 17 Cent?
We don't need his whole posse.

  
I think the Laker Girls are a little off-theme.
No, we don't need yarmulkes on 'em.

  
What about the rabbi?
Can he slide into home? I'm kidding.

  
But this is very important. Make sure
that Arnie is never seen on the JumboTron.

  
- Let's talk about this Haftorah phobia.
- The what?

  
You're nervous about speaking
in front of a group of people.

  
Yeah.

  
Have you ever tried this thing
where you picture them all naked, nude,

  
no clothes at all?

  
Wahoo!

  
I don't think that'd work.

  
OK. Well, I've done a little public speaking,
and I'll tell you the truth.

  
What works for me is
no matter what I'm saying, I truly believe it.

  
I don't even know
what the Hebrew stuff means.

  
Why don't you find out what it means
before you say it?

  
( "Have A Day"
by The Polyphonic Spree)

  
 Have a day

  
 Celebrate

  
 Soon

  
 You'll find the answer

  
 Holiday

  
 Hide away

  
 Soon

  
 You'll finally wonder

  
 You'll wonder

  
 To

  
 You'll wonder

  
 To

  
 Me

  
- (door opens)
- Oh.

  
What are you doing up so late?

  
Got the heart of a child
and the bladder of a Chihuahua.

  
Sit down.

  
You don't hate me,
do you, Rose?

  
No, I don't hate you.

  
It was the both of us, Irwin.

  
We drove each other crazy.

  
And something was missing...

  
like a job. (chuckles)

  
All right. I just couldn't be one of those
schmucks who sold linoleum flooring,

  
who took the train to work every morning
and took the train home every night.

  
who took the train to work every morning
and took the train home every night.

  
It killed me to be
one of those schmucks, Rose.

  
Those schmucks were fathers, Irwin.

  
Those schmucks were husbands.

  
You think it was all easy for them?

  
They were making sacrifices...

  
and you just left us without a word.

  
I really thought
you'd be better off without me.

  
I'll be honest, Rose. I truly wish
I could take back the years. I really do.

  
- No, you can't take back the years.
- Adam.

  
No, you can't take 'em back.
You lookin' for love and forgiveness?

  
- You don't deserve it. You won't get it.
- Sha. Sha.

  
It was like a Jewish edition
of "The Jerry Springer Show."

  
You know about you,
but you don't know about us.

  
No one does except Irwin and me.

  
I wasn't always very supportive with him.

  
- I could always make him feel small.
- Mm-hmm.

  
And there's no man
who wants to feel small.

  
Rose, Rose,
it wasn't your fault, it was mine.

  
You know, she was once on a jury,
and they kicked her off

  
'cause she insisted
she was the one who was guilty.

  
More cheap jokes. That's all he's got.
He's full of cheap jokes.

  
Adam, this is not one of your movies.

  
There are few angels and devils
in the real world,

  
and most us fall somewhere in between.

  
Now, please, Adam, let it be.
Let it be, darling.

  
Go to bed, sweetheart, please.

  
- I'm going to bed.
- OK.

  
- In my house.
- OK.

  
Good night.

  
Yeah, the family here that I provided for
with the money that I earned

  
in my house in my bedroom
in my sheets that I paid for.

  
Take a bath in my bathtub
with the little... all my stuff.

  
OK, OK, OK.

  
Thanks for stickin' up for me, Rose.

  
He was never a mellow child.

  
(laughs)

  
Yes, my-my issue is
Benjamin is learning his Haftorah,

  
but he doesn't know what it means.

  
The English translation
is next to the Hebrew text.

  
Yes, but nobody's making it
come alive for him.

  
He's getting the ritual part, but he's not
delving into any deeper meaning.

  
I-I think you're letting the kids down.

  
You don't know what you're talking about.
I ask the students if they have questions.

  
But I don't think they understand
what the bar mitzvah means.

  
That's not right.
With all due respect.

  
(laughs)

  
Have you ever noticed that when
someone says "with all due respect,"

  
there's usually
little respect proffered?

  
In this case,
it's out of respect to you that I am here.

  
I spent an hour that day
talking to the rabbi,

  
breaking my record
by about 59 minutes.

  
This is about you, Benjamin,
your growth as a person, as a Jew,

  
as you journey toward manhood.

  
It won't be easy -
full of pitfalls -

  
but it will be
the most valuable journey of your life.

  
Being a man means that you are now
responsible for repairing the world -

  
tikkun olam- responsible
for obeying the Ten Commandments,

  
responsible for your actions.

  
The day before your bar mitzvah,
your sins belong to your parents.

  
The day after,
your sins belong to you.

  
This didn't make me want to run out
and have a bar mitzvah. I have to tell ya.

  
It just made me wanna run.

  
Grandpa, I was thinking,

  
I'm not really up for the bar mitzvah.

  
I need to get out of town.

  
Must be a gene in the family -
the runaway gene.

  
I'm sorry, Benjamin.
I can't help you.

  
You gotta do what you think is right.
You're about to be a man.

  
(sighs)

  
So you think I should suck it up
and do what they want?

  
I wish I could tell you what you should do,

  
but it's not something that can be told.

  
- (fishing line runs)
- Oh, oh, oh.

  
- What?
- I see action. There's action here.

  
- Uh-oh.
- Whoa.

  
No, take... Pull it up.
Here you go.

  
Let me help you.
Something's coming here.

  
Almost. Is it big?

  
Pulling. It's big, it's big, it's big,
and it's here.

  
- What the hell is that?
- It's seaweed.

  
Fishing did make me think.

  
I thought about what Irwin said,
I thought about what the rabbi said,

  
and then I talked to both of them.

  
And slowly,
for the first time,

  
this bar-mitzvah thing
began to make some sense.

  
All right, fine,
I'll have the bar mitzvah.

  
If you're sure that's what you want.

  
Yeah. I'm just not sure about the party.

  
(horn blares)

  
(tires squeal/engine revs)

  
(honks horn)

  
- You OK?
- Yeah.

  
- You all right?
- Yeah.

  
(over PA) What, are ya
trying to kill somebody?

  
Why don't you watch
where you're going, old man?!

  
I'd rather be an old man
than a young fool.

  
This guy had
way too much coffee.

  
You got something to say to me, why don't
you come outside and say it?! Come on!

  
- Time for the cane.
- No. He seems angry. Don't.

  
- Come on!
- Don't, don't.

  
Stay there.
Stay in the car.

  
Come on!

  
All right, I'm out.

  
(chuckles) Oh...

  
Ha-ha-ha-ha.
Ha-ha-ha.

  
Leave my grandfather alone,
you big jerk!

  
Is that your bodyguard?
Ha-ha-ha.

  
That's great.
I'm just gonna take that.

  
(clears throat)

  
'Cause I...

  
Time to go home.

  
Put that down.
Put it down.

  
Walk away.

  
I got somewhere to be, so...

  
Go back to your mom.

  
Your mom!

  
(Benjamin) Oh, good comeback.

  
That was awesome.

  
What are you doing?
What are you doing?

  
- No. You pull out a sword?
- That wisenheimer guy.

  
- You're irresponsible.
- He was never in danger.

  
I don't want your influence around my son.
I don't want you at the bar mitzvah.

  
Fine, you don't want me at the bar mitzvah,
I won't go. I'm sorry, Benji.

  
Thanks a lot!

  
Hi, Irwin.

  
I'm not going to the bar mitzvah,
but I'll send a gift.

  
What did you do?

  
After all the yelling stopped, I realized
I was going through with this bar mitzvah.

  
Now, I know I didn't care about having
a huge party or outdoing the Steins,

  
but I had to figure out
what I did care about.

  
Hey, kiddo.

  
What you up to?

  
Nothin'.

  
You look so happy.

  
Ach, your third birthday party.

  
Terrence will edit all of these
into the video,

  
and Daddy wants to show it
on the big screen at Dodger Stadium.

  
It really wasn't Grandpa's fault,
what happened today.

  
Oh, Benjamin.

  
I am talking to Daddy, and Grandma's
talking to Irwin. Do not worry about it.

  
- I really do want him to come.
- Oh...

  
I had a meeting yesterday with Wolfgang
Puck, and he had some crazy ideas.

  
He was gonna take the chicken paillard
and make them into baseball mitts,

  
Then he took the sausage foie gras
and made them into bats.

  
You know,
the Louisville Sluggers.

  
Uh, Mom...

  
I kinda decided to change
my bar mitzvah plans. A little.

  
Oh. OK.

  
Maybe you should get a pencil.

  
- Good news, honey.
- Yeah?

  
Benji's got some great new ideas
for his bar mitzvah.

  
Eight days to go,
he's got new ideas?

  
Night, baby.

  
Honey, we're locked and loaded here.
We're ready to go.

  
(Joanne) Not exactly.

  
(car alarm chirps)

  
(no audio)

  
(car alarm chirps)

  
- A total revamp. No Dodger Stadium.
- That's right.

  
- Cancel everything?
- Yes.

  
The flowers?
The programs? The centerpieces?

  
- How about the low-carb Dodger Dogs?
- 'Fraid not.

  
You know all the plans we made?
Cancel 'em.

  
( "Shine"
by Andy Stochansky)

  
(alarm rings)

  
 Get up, get up, get up, get up,
lift your head

  
 Come on, come on,
get up out of bed...

  
Today, you are a man.

  
Today, you are a man?

  
Today...

  
you are a man!

  
 Angels come down,
help with this parade...

  
You seen my cufflinks? Honey?

  
No, no. Not... Oh, jeez.

  
Did you see my little silver bag
with the little silver handles?

  
You kidding me, honey?
Haven't seen it.

  
 This is the day
that we been waiting for

  
 All the world
will stop to watch you...

  
Do we have any idea
what we're doing?

  
Well, um, yeah.

  
I know what we're doing. We're, uh,
we're worrying. That's what we're doing.

  
We're worrying whether Benji's friends
will like him, if Arnie's gonna like you,

  
if Rita and Gladys are gonna get along,
if Irwin will even show up.

  
We're parents.
That's what we do. We worry.

  
Not relaxing me.

  
 ...that we been waiting for

  
 All the world will stop
to watch you shine

  
 This is the time

  
 This is the day
that we've been waiting for

  
 When all the world
will stop to watch you shine

  
It's not like a ride. You don't have to be
tall enough to be bar mitzvahed.

  
- Yeah, but it would've been nice.
- Well...

  
I don't think I was much taller than you
when I had mine.

  
That's encouraging,
but look at you now.

  
Still not so tall, are ya?

  
You're not so tall. You know what?
Let me tell you something.

  
Benjamin, I just wanna tell you that...
I think you're a great son.

  
You're a great kid who's on his way
to becoming... a great man.

  
I am very proud of you.
I love you very much.

  
Love you, too, Dad.

  
- But you don't know how to shave, though.
- What? Ow. Oh.

  
- I love you.
- I love you, too. I love you, too.

  
Is Grandpa coming today? Grandpa.

  
Of course he's coming.
Absolutely. Of course he'll be there.

  
(woman) Ooh, hi there.

  
Zachary put that up.
I told him not to.

  
You're not tall enough
to go on that ride, you know.

  
- Why don't we just head downstairs?
- Let's go downstairs. Ready to get Jewish?

  
- Yeah.
- All right, let's do it.

  
Yes, beautiful. Let me place you a little bit,
take advantage of the light.

  
Mom up a step. Radiant, glowing.
Grandmother, elegant.

  
- It'll all be fine.
- Of course it will, honey.

  
Oh, here's the father.
Here's the bar mitzvah boy.

  
Oh, my men.

  
Look natural.
You couldn't look more handsome.

  
They're posing.
Good family moment. Go shoot it.

  
- Are we still waiting for the grandfather?
- We... We can...

  
I'll get him.

  
(clears throat)

  
- Irwin.
- (Irwin) Irwin's not home.

  
Irwin?

  
I'm coming, I'm coming.
I can't tie the tie so good anymore.

  
Here, I am coming for Benjamin.

  
Now that you've convinced him to screw up
all our plans, we'll take some photos.

  
Convince him of nothing.

  
He made the decision all on his own,
Adam, for the first time.

  
I give you credit
for letting him change your plans.

  
Can I use that credit to pay for
the extensive cancellation fees?

  
Stop. This is about life.

  
Life's bigger than cancellation fees, seating
charts, guest lists and ice sculptures.

  
Where were you when I was a teenager,
when I needed all this great wisdom?

  
I wasn't there, Adam,
and I apologize.

  
I tried to come back into your life,

  
but you wouldn't let me.

  
Let me now.

  
I don't wanna be on cable when I'm pouring
my heart out. I'm trying to be sincere.

  
You're not making any sense to me.
You guys, we're having a moment. Please.

  
This is the heart of the movie.

  
No, it's a bar-mitzvah video,
for the love of God, OK?

  
Light check. Anya... You're beautiful.
Anya, here you go. Get me a Xanax.

  
- Some of my best work.
- It's gonna be your only work. It's done.

  
Take a minute, take five.
Thanks. Just take it.

  
I'm cool, I'm cool.

  
Dad, Grandpa,
we need you.

  
Hi. Yeah, the whole family
needs to be together.

  
Come and take a photo.

  
"Come and take a photo."

  
Ready to go to the temple.

  
Little bigger on the smiles, maybe.

  
Just gorgeous.
Everybody perky and happy and bursting.

  
Oh, that's beautiful.
Say "meshugana."

  
- (unenthused) Meshugana.
- (click)

  
Hey...

  
(chatter)

  
The good news- I finally understood
what my Haftorah meant.

  
The bad news-
I still had to get up and read it.

  
- Tallis.
- Tallis.

  
- And...
- Whoa.

  
I hadn't noticed.
You lost your little tail.

  
Huh?

  
- What, you give up being a hippie?
- For the time being.

  
Check out Brainiac.

  
Shabbat shalom.

  
and welcome
to Benjamin Fiedler's bar mitzvah.

  
( congregation singing in Hebrew)

  
(speaks Hebrew)

  
It's an honor to pass the Torah from
generation to generation to generation.

  
And now we continue
Benjamin's rite of passage

  
with the chanting of his Haftorah.

  
Go get 'em, kiddo.

  
(heart beating)

  
(baby coos)

  
Shh.

  
(under his breath) Come on.

  
( chanting badly)

  
(whispers) Squeeze 'em.

  
( chanting better)

  
Oh.

  
So I'm 13 years old,

  
which was probably old enough
to be a tribal warrior in the old days,

  
but in these days, when you're 13,
you're still pretty much a kid,

  
even though you want everybody
to think that you're not.

  
Like my grandma Rose always says,
"You're a boy, you're a man, you're a boy.

  
It's confusing,
but I'm not unhappy."

  
And that's where I am now.

  
I'm still a little confused,

  
but, finally,
I'm on the road to being a man...

  
and I guess that's my way of apologizing
for the sudden change of plans.

  
I hope no one is disappointed that we're not
gonna have the party at Dodger Stadium,

  
but last week,
I decided to change my theme

  
to something much more
meaningful to me.

  
Hello.
Welcome to our home.

  
Benjamin, good job.
Joanne, this is lovely.

  
Wonderful hair.
Don't cut yourself.

  
( traditional)

  
(Arnie) What's Fiedler trying to pull here?

  
I don't get it. Is it supposed to be
like Fiddler on the Roof?

  
Oh, that's a good one. Fiedler on the...
Wait a minute. Oh, very clever.

  
He zigs when everyone else zags.

  
He's saying, "I'm so rich,
I don't have to try to impress anyone."

  
Then why'd we spend
half a million dollars?

  
- 'Cause that shtuk talked us into it.
- Hi.

  
Benjamin...

  
Apart from the occasional fear
of aunt suffocation,

  
everything seemed to be
coming together.

  
(laughs)

  
What a terrific idea to have
the bar mitzvah at your house.

  
- I've learned a lot from you, young warrior.
- Thanks, Sandy.

  
- High-five. Fake.
- Aw...

  
Don't steal the centerpiece. They're rented.
Hi. How are ya? Nice to see ya.

  
Well, I am Irwin Fiedler.

  
- Your son read the Haftorah well.
- So nice.

  
You guys look great. Have to steal him.
Grab a drink. Excuse me.

  
- Why'd you pull me away?
- I don't want you talking to everyone.

  
- I thought he was The Great Gatsby.
- Did you say that to him?

  
- Congratulations, Mr. Fiedler.
- Thanks for all your help, Rabbi.

  
- You ashamed of me?
- Now that you asked...

  
What is that to say?

  
I need to talk to both... Stop, stop. Hey,
you guys, I need to talk to you. Come on.

  
This is the world we live in...

  
People are listening to us.
OK, just stop.

  
Just stop fighting.

  
- I apologized.
- You don't wanna ruin his bar mitzvah.

  
- Stop.
- You don't wanna go 0 for 2.

  
- You're failing your own son.
- I failed?

  
Benji never...
He wanted to change...

  
Finally, it was nice and peaceful.

  
What's he doing?

  
I didn't know it was a pool party.

  
(man) Who is that?
What are they doing in there?

  
- Hold this, please.
- (woman) Are they baptizing him?

  
You OK? I got him.

  
We should've jumped off the boat.

  
- I got him. I got him!
- Don't grab a drowning victim by the arms.

  
- What, are you on Baywatch?
- Underneath.

  
You all right?

  
I'm fine.
I just needed you two to stop.

  
Oh, my God, what are you doing?
Come out of there.

  
Out now.

  
Adam. Irwin?

  
I can't find my yarmulke.

  
- Irwin.
- I'm out, I'm out.

  
- Oh. (laughs)
- We're...

  
- No, we're fine. It's a family tradition.
- Yeah, it's great.

  
Go back, please.
Go eat, go dance.

  
We'll have real
synchronized swimmers later. Cut that.

  
Everyone else is at the buffet.
Please join them. Please.

  
- What happened?
- Irwin's making everyone crazy.

  
That's why Benjamin jumped in the pool.

  
Enough, Adam. Enough.

  
It's not about Irwin.
It is about you.

  
Everybody has something bad happen
in their lives, but look at your life now.

  
Look at your beautiful,
charmed life.

  
Look at the love in your life, Adam.

  
Get over it.

  
(knock on door)

  
Hey, swim team,
can I borrow a hair dryer?

  
Yeah, come in.

  
Uh... yeah.

  
I gotta get downstairs, but, uh...

  
You're gonna make up
before you come down, right?

  
Because the day I become a man,

  
you're not supposed to act like children.

  
For his sake, we should
try to untense ourselves a little bit.

  
I don't know how.

  
Wait. Forgiveness is hard,

  
but Sacred says it's like a sweet wine
drunk only by the very brave.

  
Oh, did she say that before
or after she smoked the peyote?

  
- I look pretty good, don't I?
- Yeah, you do.

  
I believe I'm beginning to bloom.

  
(laughs)

  
Barbecues are kind of corny. (giggles)

  
- Oh, hi, Benjamin.
- Hey.

  
So what exactly is your theme?

  
I guess it's, uh,
becoming a man.

  
Oh, totally.
I can see that.

  
But isn't that kind of boring?

  
I don't think so.

  
Come on, let's go.

  
Grandpa's right.
She is shallow.

  
Oh, totally. (laughs)

  
Where is Irwin and your dad?
Where are they?

  
Uh...

  
Come on, Adam.

  
I can't just snap my fingers
and, poof, you're forgiven, all right?

  
It doesn't happen that way.

  
All right, stop snapping
your fingers a minute.

  
The pain that I have doesn't
just magically disappear. OK?

  
Because, you know, you left us, and that's
a reality that we all have to deal with.

  
I-I know I was wrong, but haven't you
ever done something wrong, Adam?

  
Have you ever done anything
that was stupid, cowardly, selfish?

  
Have you ever done anything

  
that you just couldn't make right,
no matter how hard you tried?

  
Of course.

  
I'm an agent.

  
What do you want me to do?
It's getting late.

  
What do you wanna do?
Should we wait for them?

  
No, no. Let's do it.

  
All right.

  
Ladies and gentlemen,
we're gonna get this bar mitzvah started.

  
Hi. Everyone, if you could
gather around the dance floor,

  
we're gonna start
the candle-lighting ceremony.

  
(guests murmuring)

  
Uh...

  
- Hi. I'm Benjamin...
- Wait. We're coming.

  
Hey. Sorry.
Excuse me. Sorry.

  
Hey, Benji. Sorry.

  
Thank you all for coming today,

  
and I'd like to give out a special thanks

  
to my dad and my grandpa
for making up after all these years.

  
(Joanne) How about a hug?

  
This is my promise to my family.

  
Now that we're all together here again,

  
I promise to bust my tokus

  
to be as much of a mentsh
as my son Benjamin.

  
I should only be so lucky.
Thank you.

  
Let's cut the cake.

  
It's killing me
that these phonies eat it all up.

  
Not you, the others.
You're very sincere.

  
( guitar)

  
(man) Oh, my...

  
(gasps)

  
(guest whistles)

  
Ahh.

  
- Holy shit.
- Rabbi...

  
I couldn't cancel Neil Diamond.

  
How the hell does he get Neil Diamond
to play at a bar mitzvah?

  
Oh.

  
He's hot.

  
It's Neil Diamond.

  
Hi, Rose.
Mom says hi.

  
Oh, ho-ho.

  
You know him?

  
I know his mother.
I used to play canasta with her.

  
Wow.

  
- Say "shpilkes."
- Shpilkes.

  
Benjamin, mazel tov.
We're proud of you.

  
- Let's go.
- Sit down, you traitor.

  
 Hava

  
 Nagila

  
 Hava

  
 Nagila

  
 Hava

  
 Nagila

  
 Venis'mecha

  
Never liked this song.

  
 U... ru

  
 Uru achim

  
 Uru achim belev sameach

  
 Uru achim belev sameach

  
 Uru achim belev sameach

  
 Uru achim belev sameach

  
 Uru achim, uru achim

  
 Belev sameach

  
Hey!

  
 Hava nagila

  
 Hava nagila

  
 Hava nagila

  
 Venis'mecha

  
 Hava nagila

  
 Hava nagila...

  
- Come on, get in there!
- Go!

  
Whoa.

  
 Hava nagila...

  
Get my grandpa!

  
 Venis'mecha

  
 Hava neranena

  
 Hava neranena...

  
I need a seatbelt here.

  
 Venis'mecha...

  
Get my dad!
Get my dad!

  
- (Irwin) Hey, Adam!
- Forget it.

  
Come on, Adam. Schmuck.

  
- Adam, get in the friggin' chair.
- OK.

  
 Uru achim belev sameach

  
 Uru achim belev sameach

  
 Uru achim belev sameach

  
 Uru achim belev sameach

  
 Uru achim, uru achim

  
 Uru achim

  
 Belev sameach

  
Hey!

  
( "Any Place I've Lived"
by The Lilys)

  
 Hey, hey

  
 My friend,
where are you going today?

  
 Hey, hey

  
 My friend,
why are you going away?

  
 And it's not
that you're smart

  
 You just confuse me
for the time

  
 And if you're
still hangin' round

  
 Do you think you

  
 Can bring me up
like you bring me down?

  
 Hey, hey

  
 My friend,
where are you going today?

  
 Hey, hey

  
 My friend, don't you
have something to say?

  
 And it's
not quite the crime

  
 You lead your own life,
that way's fine

  
 But if you're
still hangin' round

  
 Do you think you

  
 Can bring me up
like you bring me down?

  
 Like you bring me down

  
 Down, down, shoo-bop

  
 Down, down, shoo-bop

  
 Down, down, shoo-bop

  
 Down, down, shoo-bop

  
 Down, down, shoo-bop

  
 Down, down, shoo-bop

  
 Down, down, shoo-bop

  
 Down, down, hey, hey

  
 My friend,
where are you going today?

  
 Hey, hey

  
 I'm left behind

  
 Why did you slip away? 

  
(doorbell rings)

  
( "Climb These Walls"
by Erin Williams)

  
 There's a time

  
 Everyone

  
 Has to make it
on their own

  
 It can get hard

  
 You may get lost

  
 On the waves,
you can be tossed

  
 Oh, they say

  
 That is everything

  
 I see you shine

  
 When you're teachin' me
to climb these walls

  
 I know I have to
take this walk alone

  
 Everyone's looking for

  
 Something
to believe in, oh

  
 It's so hard

  
 To be sure

  
 That this is all I need

  
 Oh

  
 Gravity

  
 I feel it pull on me

  
 I see you shine

  
 When you're teachin' me
to climb these walls

  
 I know I have to
take this walk alone

  
 Separated by generations

  
 Tied together by love

  
 So much to learn, so much

  
 I don't know,
but it's all right

  
 Oh, it's all right

  
 It's all right

  
 I see you shine

  
 When you're teachin' me
to climb these walls

  
 I see you shine

  
 When you're teachin' me
to climb these walls

  
 I see you shine

  
 When you're teachin' me
to climb these walls

  
 I see you shine

  
 I see you shine

  
 I see you shine

  
 I see you shine

  
 I see you shine

  
( "My Bar Mitzvah Will Be Sensational"
by Dora B. Krakower)

  
 My bar mitzvah
will be sensational

  
 It is gonna be relational

  
 And my pals
have top priority

  
 They are the majority

  
 At my bar mitzvah

  
 We meet

  
 It's honey sweet

  
 And what a treat

  
I repeat.

  
 At my bar mitzvah

  
 We meet