Kids In The Hall: Brain Candy
Script - Dialogue Transcript
Voila! Finally, the Kids In The Hall: Brain Candy
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Kids In The Hall: Brain Candy. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
Hey! Hey! Hey! Show some respect you homeless piece of shit!
Smile! It's free!
Okay, I am going to tell you a story now about how people...
Iike that sad, pathetic prick back there, found happiness.
But it is not a happy story, oksa?
I mean, why do people think that life should always be happy? You Know?
Because when I was a little boy, my mother used to sing me a song.
It went like this:
Life is short. Life is shit.
And soon it will be over.
But for you, my friends, this story is just beginning.
Some days it's dark
Some days I work
I work alone
I walk alone
Unknown
Sweetness
Oh, my God.
Laughter
Or not
Mr. November.
Mr. December.
Hi, kids. Where's your father?
He's upstairs masturbating to gay porn.
- Again? - Yeah.
- Hey, kids. - Hey, Dad.
I was just taking a shower. Yep, just had myself a shower.
Shower?
Honey, you're home!
Wally, you're hurting me.
I'm just so glad you're home.
Baby? Get in the vehicle, baby.
I'm not getting in that vehicle!
Baby, this is my gift to you.
What? Gift?
It's not a gift. You freaking stole this.
I stole it to make it up to you, baby.
Yeah? Well tell me this.
How can you sleep with my best friend and then tell me about it?
Sure I told you about it baby, but don't shoot the messenger.
Well you can say good-bye to this!
-No, baby. -Yeah, yes you can. -You know I need that.
-Wave bye-bye, baby. -Baby, I need that. -Never any more Romeo.
-How about a farewell one, baby? -Yeah! Yeah!
I'll see ya in my dreams, you cheating, lying, backstabbing freak!
I'm sorry, I don't understand German.
I can't go on. This is bullshit!
Grivo! Grivo!
I think I just may have something.
Easy, easy, Patient .
And open.
What will this do?
Well, what it does is...
reaches into your brain, chemically...
and locates your happiest memory, chemically.
Then locks on to that emotion and freezes it, chemically...
and then it keeps your happy happy.
Chris? She's depressed, not stupid.
Come on, just take it.
All right.
Coming!
- Merry Christmas. Kiss Grandma. - Presents!
Oh, that's all right.
Sorry we were a few hours late there, ma. But you know the kids hate old people.
Oh, well that's all right as long as we're all together now.
- Good point. How's your health? - Oh Good. Just a touch of the sciatica.
These action heroes are from last year, dummy!
So I hear Dad's dead. Is that eggnog?
Yeah. Have yourself a glass. I gotta check on the bird.
I thought we'd have yams this year.
I got a Butterball. Last year's was so dry.
They're the best--
Gotta go. Come on, kids, in the car.
Sorry, Mom, we gotta go. Hey, you got that gift for my mom?
Oh, yeah. Merry Christmas, Mother Hurdicure.
- Thanks. I wonder what that is. - It's a harmonica.
Well, see ya next year.
Oh, that was lovely.
Look, she's smiling.
- Yeah, she is. - Oh, my.
Calm down, calm down, just calm down
Calm down!
How do you feel, Patient ?
Like a fresh towel drying on the line on a summer's day.
Oh, I feel like a little worm...
peeking its head out of the ground after a rainstorm...
and seeing no robin.
I feel like God's rubbing my tummy!
I haven't felt this happy since my son came to visit at Christmas.
- This could be it. - It's a strong "maybe."
It could be it.
Jesus Christ!
I think we got it! Yeah!
And who are you?
Just a guy.
We're commencing final approach.
Any clue as to his mood today?
I'm sorry, I can't get a sense of his mood.
Sock color?
Red socks.
Red socks! Red socks!
Red socks!
Let's keep going.
Let's work together.
Good morning, Don.
Good morning, Don.
Didn't we say good morning yesterday, Marv?
Yeah, I guess we did, Don.
Don, how did the board of directors' meeting go?
Can I have the room for a minute?
Everybody out!
My empire is...
crumbling!
Right. Everyone back in.
To answer your question, Natalie...
the board of directors was a little concerned...
that we didn't have a "Back to School" drug or "Christmas" drug.
We didn't have an "International Women's Day" drug.
Exactly.
I tried to remind them that when I invented Stummies...
Yes, Don, thank God that you did.
it took both time and effort.
But unfortunately, the board takes a narrow view.
And in their own narrow way, they think that the company is losing money.
Which in fact we are, but again, I think this is the narrow view.
Damn them, Don! What the hell do they know?
They're insisting we cut our research outlay by %.
Of course I told them to fuck off.
Good for you, Don!
But out loud I said I'd consider it.
Exactly the right thing to do-- play with them.
Where are we with that?
With what, Don?
Our restructuring plan.
The thing you just mentioned just now?
Yeah.
We're on top of that.
Good.
Are we ever gonna get the big table in here...
or do I have to cut that fucking tree myself?
I'll get right on that. Okay, number one.
Open.
No. It's been two weeks, and I don't feel any different.
All I've done is gain eight pounds. Now, what's in this?
A little of this and a little of that. Open.
It's sugar, isn't it? I'm in the placebo group.
Well, loose lips sink ships. Open.
No! My face tells me it's sugar.
Thank you.
You're not allowed to do that to me.
Doctor! Alice!
Just a second, I'm ready--
Oh, yeah!
- How are you feeling, ? - Pardon?
How are you feeling, Mrs. Hurdicure?
Excellent. Just a little dizzy.
You're not suffering from any mood swings or bouts of depression?
Oh, no mood swings. But I'm a little dizzy.
And how's your appetite?
Excellent, though I am a little dizzy.
- Thank you. - Okay.
Here we go again.
This urine is great!
The liver function test came back completely clean, totally clean.
I told you! The goddamn drug works.
Yes, I know the early results have been...
oh, favorable, I guess is the word.
- What? - Come on!
Slow down. Remember we got lots more testing to do.
Guys, maybe Chris is right.
Dr. Cooper?
Dr. Chris Cooper?
Yes, sir?
Could you spare five minutes, please?
We're just gonna step upstairs for a moment, okay, Chris?
The vultures are flying in today.
There's a lot of shit going down.
It's carnage. They're cuttin' all the fat.
- I heard Don's been shot. - Don's been shot?
I heard we've been bought out by the japanese.
Hey, I just heard that the japanese have been shot!
I don't wanna go! Let me keep my monkeys!
I don't care what happens to me, but please let me keep my monkeys.
What's going on?
Nothing's going on, Chris.
Look, this is just an informal chat.
We were wondering what you were working on in your lab.
,,, I've invented a pill...
that gives worms to ex-girlfriends.
Right, and what's positive about that?
It's a pill that gives worms to ex-girlfriends.
Could it also give worms to ex-boyfriends?
This is a drug for the world...
to give worms to ex-girlfriends!
Well, great. Thanks for stopping by.
You just don't get it here!
I've been working on a thing. It's sort of like Stummies.
Go on. I like what I hear so far.
It's exactly like Stummies.
And the twist is?
It's a much bigger pill.
I like a lot. Is it ready for production?
Yes, it's ready to go.
Any side effects.
Yes, sir, a few side effects.
That's okay. As long as there are no "flipper babies," right, Don?
Well, there have been a few flipper babies.
It was only a couple of flipper babies!
I'm starting to--
It'd be better ifyou didn't.
Dr. Cooper, please have a seat.
This is just an informal chat.
Would you like a Stummies? There's some in front ofyou.
Thankyou very much.
So, how's your family?
I don't really have a family per se.
So what are you working on?
Well, as you know, I am working on a drug that will cure depression.
Go on.
I really don't have my notes with me.
Apparently I do have my notes with me.
The results have been very positive.
Is it ready?
Oh, um, well--
If it's not ready--
It's not that it isn't ready, sir.
It's that we have so much more testing to do.
Dr. Cooper...
is it ready or not?
I got great news! They're going ahead with the drug!
What?
There are things I have to do. Lots of things to do.
But you said there was more testing to do.
Well, people say things.
Hmm, fascinating!
Isn't it early in the research phase to be releasing a new drug?
Simon, we can't be too "by the bookie" about this testing.
That's better.
Besides, Baxter here said the drug worked, and we all trust Baxter.
- Don't we? - It's just that--
Alice, are you saying you don't trust Baxter?
No, I--
- What gives? - Yeah.
They were gonna close our lab ifwe didn't have a drug.
Come on! We might be releasing the most effective antidepressant ever!
It is a good drug.
Yeah, but--
Yeah!
Come on, let's celebrate!
Who wants another drink? Chris?
Another drink? Alice, you're in? Another one?
Baxter? One more.
Chris? Okay.
Wait. Chris, another?
Good. Chris, you're in?
Come on, Alice?
Another drink, right?
- You're not sure? - Come on.
All right, Alice is having one. And, Chris?
You're having a drink. All right.
All right, hang on. Baxter?
Hey, look!
I am an elephant rider. Do you like that?
My father suffered from depression.
Chris, I never knew that.
Yep!
Hello, son.
Did you clean the house while your old man was at work?
Yep!
Good, good.
Did you clean under the fridge?
What about the gun? Did you give the gun a good cleaning?
- Yep! - Good boy.
Holy Mother, my foot!
My other foot!
Two hours later, he hit a vital organ and died.
I never knew that, Chris.
No! This is wrong.
We're scientists.
Excuse me. The bill.
Could you spare five minutes?
Respectfully, shut the fuck up.
You're not a plate of croissants.
No, I'm not.
Then can you get me something to eat before I chew my fuckin' hand off?
No, no, this is Dr. Chris Cooper. He's the inventor of the drug.
Thankyou for inventing a marvelous drug.
This is Cisco. He's head of marketing.
We were having a little jam session...
and we wondered what your thoughts were on orange.
For what?
The color of the drug. Duh!
Well, the actual color of the drug in its nonsynthesized state...
is kind of a bluish hue.
Great. So orange it is then?
Yeah? Okay. Yeah, I think that's good.
Could we get back to work?
It's all happening so fast.
Okay, I won't call for a week.
What?
I understand.
Oh, good.
Is something wrong?
Oh, God, are you all right?
I'm fine. I'm fine. I needed the exercise.
Dr. Cooper. Dr. Chris Cooper.
I was actually coming to see you. Do you remember me?
Of course. You're .
Dr. Cooper, because ofyou and your marvelous drug...
I'm out of the old folks home and on my own again.
I'm even working part-time as a nude art model.
Oh, I haven't felt this good since they said, "It's not malignant."
God bless you and your important work.
Bluish hue.
Okay, I was driving around last night in my $ car...
trying to think of a name for the drug, and suddenly it hit me.
The name?
No, a bird hit my windshield.
When that happened, I got depressed.
- Not you, Cisco. - Yeah, even me.
But as soon as I got depressed, I got "undepressed"...
'cause as I was cleaning the gleaming guts off my windshield...
I thought of the name for the drug-- Gleemonex!
The slogan?
Gleemonex makes you feel like it's degrees in your head...
all the time.
The drug is approved. Next.
I used to live on the street.
Had cardboard bum from sleeping on cardboard.
Then Jesus--
I mean Dr. Cooper gave me his drug.
Now I'm more productive.
I'm a security guard with a gun.
H i! Welcome to the Nina Bedford Show.
I'm Nina Bedford. Do you like my new outfit?
Happiness.
Can it be bought in the form of a pill?
On today's Nina Bedford Show we're talking to Dr. Chris Cooper...
the inventor of the new wonder drug Gleemonex.
Dr. Cooper, tell us about this new happy drug.
How does it make people feel?
Well, Nina, what we like to say around the lab...
is that it makes people feel like it's...
degrees in the head all the time.
We don't say that.
We could start.
Sounds like L.A.
Okay. Questions.
Yes, sir, you.
I want to be a scientist just like you. What's your advice?
Work hard and stay in school.
Good advice. Anyone else? Yes, ma'am.
All the way up here.
How big is your house?
Yeah, how big is your house?
Actually I live in a small apartment.
Next question. Yes, you, ma'am.
Did anyone ever tell you that you look like Tom jones?
We thinkyou do.
Doesn't anyone wanna know how the drug works chemically?
Stand up and wiggle your hips for us.
- No, I couldn't. - Come on!
Ladies, don't you wanna see him wiggle his hips? I do.
I'm more of a scientist than a wiggler.
Get up!
He does look like a young Tom jones.
When we come back...
we're gonna give Dr. Cooper a compete makeover.
Chris, wiggle us out!
Soak it up, you ugly sponge.
You go, Dr. Chris!
Did you see that Nina Bedford Show this morning?
Yeah, that thing about toast fucking.
Toast fucking?
It's a new thing where you fuck or get fucked with toast.
The show this morning was about that new drug.
Must've been a dream I had.
I hope so.
Pitter patter, let's get at her.
Hang on a second. I gotta drain the snake.
Drain the snake.
Lights off, asshole.
Cop! Run!
Freeze!
I'm your nightmare, mister! Freeze!
Freeze!
I got one.
- Officer-- They stole my wallet. - Down.
Down on the ground. Get down on the ground.
We always win.
Would you step out of the car, please, sir?
It's all a big misunderstanding.
Like a Three's Company episode.
Somebody came in the wrong door and all hell broke loose.
Doreen!
Oh, Wally.
We didn't charge him.
We thought bringing him home bare naked was punishment enough.
Were the handcuffs totally necessary, Officer?
Actually, that was your husband's idea.
Thanks for dropping him off. Good night.
I don't understand how a man can get up to these park shenanigans...
with a lovely piece of ass like yourselfwaiting at home.
Thankyou, I guess.
You're welcome.
Honey, I thinkyou've got a right to know what happened.
- Wally, please don't. - No, no, no.
I went out driving, because as you know I love driving...
when suddenly I had to take the biggest pee in the world.
So I saw this washroom.
I stopped in, but it was full of those "types."
You know, queers and queens.
So one of them tried to kiss me...
and I said, "No! No, no."
But he just kept kissing me. Why would he do that?
Well, didn't you tell me that you had...
gripped him by the buttocks and pulled him closer?
Yes, but that was 'cause I was concerned that he might fall.
Doctor, his pants were down around his goddamn ankles.
Doctor, why do those-- you know--
those "types" keep thinking that I'm one of them?
Because you are one of them.
You are gay.
You are gay. You are a homosexual. The opposite of straight.
You're gay. I know it, your family knows it. Dogs know it!
Everyone seems to know it except you!
Why am I not aware of it?
It's called denial.
Look, Doctor, are you just gonna sit there...
and spew psychiatric mumbo jumbo at me all day?
No, I'm just gonna write you a prescription...
for the drug.
The drug?
Yes. Gleemonex. It's new.
I don't normally like to do this, but you're a special case.
Will I still be in denial?
No, it's to be hoped that you'll just be gay.
- Casey's on it. - Futura's on it.
- Robbie's on it. - Seven's on it.
- josh is on it. - Sky is on it.
Of course Sky is on it. Sky's on everything.
- Yeah, including you. - Once!
Yeah, well?
It's made from monkey come, you know.
Pardon me?
The drug. It's made from monkey come.
They keep these monkeys locked in a room all day.
Then they make them jack off.
Then they take the come and boil it. That's what the drug is made of.
Ah! They make them jack off?
Oh, yeah, they show them this animal pornography.
Really kinky stuff like two dogs making love with a cat...
or a bat and a pig.
That's bullshit!
You two, out of my cab!
I don't like that kind of language.
- You're obviously not on it. - Move it out of here!
You're not getting dollar one, you ugly man!
I don't give a crap, you stupid slinky whore!
-Is he coming out? -I hear he's too depressed to go on.
It's gonna be amazing, eh?
Hold it!
I wanna talk about drugs.
Heroin!
No, not heroin.
Speed!
No, not speed.
Hashish!
No, not even hashish.
Horse tranquilizers?
Not horse tranquilizers.
I just heard about this new drug that makes you happy.
I just wanna say--
Fuck happy!
Well, Marv...
are they in?
Yes, Don, the grosses are in.
Well?
I think it's important to remember...
these things are never as bad as they may seem at first.
The data can be interpreted in many ways. Bear that in mind.
There are a lot ofways of interpreting the data.
You son of a bitch. We're number one.
I got you!
You son of a bitch! We beat penicillin!
We kicked penicillin's sorry ass!
Could I have the room for a second, you son of a bitch?
Yes, Don, I understand.
We beat penicillin!
Mr. November.
He's hot.
Mr. December.
He likses it hot.
You are scum! Do you hear me, soldier?
Yes, sir!
Do you know what we are going to do today?
No, sir!
We are going to be doing push-ups all day!
You and me, all day!
-Do you think that's funny, soldier? -No, sir!
You will be doing those push-ups with me lying on your back!
You are going to discover muscles you never knew you had!
Big muscles!
Hard muscles!
Oh, yes, sir!
Guess what?
I'm gay!
I'm gay!
He's gay!
Didyou hearthe news He's gay
I was straight and now I'm gay I thinks the drug made me that way
He's gay, he's gay, he's gay
I'm gay
Who cares?
These are fakes. Get outta here!
Scram!
Thank you. Have a good evening.
I think that's him, the inventor of the drug.
My God, Mr. Roritor's house is amazing.
When I was a little girl, I used to--
Chris, can I see you? It'll just take five minutes. Great.
They're talking about us.
- Someone would like to meet you. - Oh, really?
Hi, Doctor. I'm "Cancer Boy."
What would you like to say to the doctor?
I'd like to thankyou foryour marvelous drug.
Are you on it, Cancer Boy?
No, there is no hope for me. But my parents are on it.
They were so very low, not just because of me...
but because my brother was born with his heart outside of his body.
- Is that a fact? - Yeah.
Nice to make your acquaintance.
Sorry, sorry.
That's okay. My marrow is just low.
Chris, you've been ignoring Don. You really should speak with him.
Each day's a gift.
Did you see?
The doctor and me, did you see?
Hi, Chris. Come in.
I'm almost done.
Thankyou, Marv.
Could you do it harder?
Little softer.
Right, in circles.
Less in circles.
But more in circles.
Right.
Great. Done. Head scratch, Chris?
No, thankyou, Don.
You sure?
Thanks. Good job.
Can I get you anything else?
Grappa, wine, cappuccino, tickets to a Lakers game?
- No, thanks. - Are you sure?
What about cheesecake?
Double-A batteries?
Land in Montana?
No, thank you.
I offer you these, but they'll be yours anyway. Do you understand?
- Did Marv talk to you? - Yes, he did.
Good. So you know.
Know what?
That we're applying foryour drug to be nonprescription.
But my drug is for the clinically depressed.
Chris, you've invented...
a marvelous drug, and right now only certain people can have access.
We think that everyone should have access to it.
Like ghetto children. Apparently their lives are horrible.
Did you read that thing in the Times?
You want ghetto children to be happy, don't you, Chris?
- Sure, Don, but-- - Of course you do.
There may be some papers to sign, that's if this thing happens.
But it might not happen. You know how these things are.
But I really think--
That was supposed to be fixed.
Come on, Chris.
Hang on, I'll introduce you around. Everyone!
This is Chris Cooper. He's the inventor of our new drug.
As some ofyou know...
the drug is going nonprescription, which is good.
That's it.
What's this?
This is the real party.
Where's Chris?
I don't know. I haven't seen him in a while.
- He's over here. - What?
He's on this monitor.
Wow. Who's she?
Cute!
She must be another scientist.
So, Chrissie, does this mutt say, "Gleemonex for pets"?
Sort of.
You know, I don't even know if he looks happy...
of if he would even take the drug.
You don't like, Chris?
It's just that--
I have this dog in my head, and I haven't see it yet.
Right. Right.
I gotta see more dogs. I gotta have more dogs.
This is a dog disaster. I gotta see more dogs!
Nat?
- My cup is luke. - Luke warm, Chris?
No, Luke Skywalker, you fuckin' inbred!
Tasty.
Grivo! Grivo!
Hold it.
Heroin!
No, not heroin.
I have a new song. I wrote it in the park.
Happiness and sunbeams
And cute little puppy dogs
These are the things that I've seen with my heart
Life is a happy game ifyou don 't forget to smile
But every now and then your face
Fuck! He's on the drug.
It harbors a frown
You suck!
Sadness is a barnacle clinging to your bright boat
You won 't let it sinksyour spirits ifyou'll only learn to float
We are all sea captains sailing on life's rough seas
Come on you Magellans Come with me
I've got pie
Happiness pie
Happy tailors, happy worksers happy farmers, happy girls
Happy widowers, happy freelance artists happy welders, happy world
happy drinksers, happy thinksers happy musicians, happy beauticians
Happy mayors, happy pairs happy call girls, happy hula boys
Happiness pie
Pie
Happiness pie
The winner ofthe World Video A ward for best new contemporary song...
Grivo!
Thank you.
I'd like to thank my fan base.
We did it.
Smile. It's free.
He's the inventor ofthe wonder drug, Gleemonex.
She's a super supermodel!
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Clemptor and Dr. Chris Cooper.
Writing a hit song is a real science.
Well, you should ksnow, Chris.
And now, the award...
for the best new rap, hip-hop or folks act--
And the first nominee is Cancer Boy.
Yummy.
From his new album, Whistle When You're Low.
Chris! Chris!
Thank you!
I would've killed myself if not for you! Can I have an autograph?
Sure. Should I sign along the scar? Put her there!
Chris Cooper signed my scar!
I loveyou, man.
Something's in my eye!
Fucking bird!
Chris, do you want me to get it?
No, I'm...
favorable.
Would one ofyou ladies get the door?
Oh, hello.
What do you want?
Is your uncle here?
Uncle?
Right.
Uncle Chris!
Uncle? What, are we gonna play another game, 'cause-- Alice!
What are you doing here?
There's something wrong with little Signund.
Chris, can we order some chicken wings?
Get a receipt.
What do you mean "wrong"?
He's in some sort of coma.
Let me see.
I think little Signund's locked in his happiest memory.
I see a mouse thinking, Alice.
That's it. We're breaking up.
Alice, you seem a little upset and pretty deluded.
I just thinkyou should seriously consider taking my drug.
Women!
Not you two.
I was in love with you. I could have anyone.
I'm beautiful!
We almost kissed.
When will you girls sign that form that says last night never happened?
It's all yours, Captain.
Go on, make your move.
?
Mrs. Hurdicure!
Cat on my head!
Hey, you kids!
Get away from there! Get out from under that lady's dress!
Mrs. Hurdicure, are you all right?
Are you all right?
- Coming! - Presents!
Gotta go.
- It's a harmonica. - That was lovely.
Tea?
Dr. Cooper, is it ready or not?
In my opinion, the drug is ready.
Don, we're--
Don, could I--
Excuse me a second, Rabbi.
Chris, we're having a family bris.
My nephew's brising. We're about to bris. Can this not wait?
- We're in trouble. - What?
When I told you the drug was ready, I hadn't done enough testing.
Now Mrs. Hurdicure, one of the first test subjects has...
gone into a coma.
Yeah, Chris, but wasn't she an old lady?
Old ladies go into comas every day.
No, it's the drug.
Alice tried to warn me, but I didn't listen.
But people gotta know. We gotta go to the media.
The media?
What are you talking-- newspaper, television, CD-ROM, college radio?
Yes, the whole kit and caboodle.
I think we ought to think about it before we go to the media.
- We shouldn't go to the media. - You know, I agree.
But we have to!
Rabbi johnson, just gimme a minute, okay?
Chris, let's talk.
You know, the thing about being upset is that...
besides it sometimes being a turn-on to women...
it's not a state you wanna be in when making important decisions...
Iike going to the press, wouldn't you agree?
No, I wouldn't. We gotta get the word out.
Yeah, but you would agree that Paris is the capital of France?
- Wouldn't you agree to that? - Yes, but--
Good. Then we're back in agreement.
Your drug is effectively changing the world for the better.
It's important that you know that.
Have you heard that crack is gone? Crime is down...
and oddly enough, so is tourism.
But if I haven't said it before, good job.
About the comas...
in war they call that sort of thing "acceptable losses."
Like the Germans are in France when they should be in Germany...
and it's gonna cost a pretty penny to get them home.
What we already know about your drug and what I'm gonna show you...
is that the acceptable losses there are really at about %, if that.
Chris, it might be very easy here to take the narrow view and say...
"My God, more coma victims, oh, how terrible."
Blah, blah, blah.
Chris, I still think that's the narrow view.
They're stuck in their happiest memories.
Won't you take me to Funky Town
Funky Town
In a situation like this...
you should rely on my experience.
When I invented Stummies--
Fuck Stummies!
And you too, Don!
You pushed, boy, you pushed!
Dumb Baxter said the drug was great. I said testing!
And you took away my lab 'cause--
Sure, I lost my virginity, but who do you think--
You pushed, boy, you pushed!
I gotta return Rear Window to the video store and now this!
Comas? Acceptable losses? Late fees?
No, I don't think I will "fuck Stummies."
Get your finger out of my face.
Don't you touch my finger.
- Get your finger out of my face. - Don't you touch my finger.
You know, I had such high hopes for you...
but unfortunately you just don't get it.
My fucking finger!
What's the matter?
Oh, Wallace?
Wally?
Come on now. Not tonight, we're wearing our suits.
No secrets here, remember? No secrets between sailors.
You are scum! Do you hear me, soldier?
Terzinsky.
- Yes, sir? - See the two enemies by the wall?
Got 'em.
You're my best man. Here's the plan.
You go over there and fuck them, we'll stay here and masturbate.
- Yes, sir! - Go!
There goes a man!
Chris.
Chris, I thoughtyou said the drug was ready.
I'm confused. I thought you said the drug was ready.
Chris, you said the drug was ready.
Oh, Dr. Cooper, thank you for your marvelous coma!
Coma! Coma!
Don 't go to the media.
I gotta go to the media!
I'd like to thank the members of the media who did make it.
College radio...
Weapons and Helmets magazine...
of course Girl Beat.
Thank you all for coming.
Who needs the networks anyway?
Okay then, follow me.
I'm gonna take you to where Roritor hides its terrible secret.
A secret that I'm responsible for.
I accept my part in this and ask you to brace yourselves...
as you bear witness to Roritor's...
hideousness!
Can you spare five minutes, Chris?
No, Marv! I'm going to expose the comas!
I can help if you'll come with me.
Okay, fine.
Let's go.
Afraid it's the other way, Chris.
All right, everyone, stay together. Tight unit.
I'm glad that you and Don have come to your senses...
and realize that you can't--
What is this?
This is the real press conference.
The real press conference?
There's food.
Ladies and everyone...
we've been joined by Dr. Chris Cooper.
And thanks to Dr. Cooper...
we're pleased to announce that we're breaking ground...
on the first of ten new Roritor Comatoriums.
Now I'd like to introduce you to our first lucky resident.
There, there, old darling.
It's Mrs. Hurdicure.
What a wonderful visit we're having to Roritor's new Comatorium...
where my mother will be cared for, washed and read to.
- We envy her. - Yes, we do.
But we will settle for this cashier's check...
for $ .
Which families receive if a lucky loved one goes to a better place--
their happiest memory.
Wow, that's a lot of money! How pleasing!
Wait!
That's not what I invented the drug for.
I mean, does she look happy?
Yes.
Okay granted, she looks happy.
But people are supposed to be depressed sometimes!
We invented the drug for people too depressed to get off the floor.
Not because you missed your bus...
or you don't look good in a yellow hat.
That's just wrong.
Tell 'em, Chris.
I mean, without his pain and his sadness...
could Van Gogh have painted all that stuff?
I know that's not an actual Van Gogh, but still my point is...
you can't be happy all the time!
That's life! Take it back!
You know, those words hurt.
But you realize they come from a man who's gone mad with depression.
Unfortunately, it seems to happen to some of our greatest geniuses.
People like Oppenheimer, Schweitzer...
Boxcar Willie.
That's why today we're specially sad to announce that Dr. Chris Cooper...
has in fact been found certifiably depressed.
What does that mean again, Cisco?
Legally, he's gotta take his own drug.
Right.
Please, Chris, we want you to try and remember...
that we're only doing this because we love you.
If the pill is so safe, Don, why don't you take it?
Yeah!
Why don't you take it?
I've absolutely no problem with that.
In fact, I'm quite fond of the drug.
And if a demonstration is what is needed here, so be it.
- Marv? - Yes, Don?
Take the drug.
Of course, Don.
Is that cappuccino ever gonna be ready...
or do I have to come in there and grind the beans with your head?
Just warming it up, Don.
What is taking you so long?
Stop staring at me.
Coming, Don.
Well, there you have it.
I've done my part. We've taken the drug.
And now it's your turn, Dr. Cooper.
Oh, come on, Chris. Open.
Oh, dear.
It's the little things in life that make it worthwhile.
Good coffee, Marv.
Slipped off my shoes.
So, did they listen to Dr. Cooper and stop taking the drug?
No, they did not, god damn it!
Today they even have parades to celebrate the comas.
And they drag out the poor bastards likse they're fucksing astronauts.
I don 't like the world now.
I mean, before I always ksnew I was a son of a bitch.
But now I'm the only son of a bitch I ksnow.
Make way for a real human being!
Get out of the way, you--
As for Dr. Cooper...
well, some people say that he joined a KISS cover band...
and he rocks three nights a week in some chicken wing spot.
But still, others say, and I hope this is true...
that he is out there, somewhere...
working on the cure for all this stupid happiness.
Al I right, everyone, easy, easy.
Alice, wait.
I just wanna say that we've worked very hard...
under some difficult circumstances...
and I'm very confident that this new drug...
will unlock her unhappiest memory.
Yeah, but that's what you said about the drug we tested on Baxter.
Okay then, let's get at it.
Open wide, Mrs. Hurdicure.
That's a good girl.
Mrs. Hurdicure...
how do you feel?
Sad.
She's depressed!
Yes, yes!
She's sad! She's sad!
Baxter, we did it.
Yeah.
Wait. Baxter.
No, Baxter! Bax--
She's sad!
Alice, we just depressed one old lady.
We got a whole world to bum out.
It can wait.
Okay, Miguel, I got a surprise for you.
So keep your eyes closed and don't peek, okay?
Okay, open your eyes.
Surprise!
Wow, thanks, Grandma!
Happy birthday, Miguel. Oh, you look adorable.
Let me get a picture ofyou.
Boy, oh, boy, this will be grand. Miguel?
Miguel!
Oh, no. Come to Grandma.
I'm gonna fall!
So what does this whole story mean?
The only way to be happy is to know
You won't be happy every single day
It sounds better...
in the original Croatian.
As for the kid, he turned out okay.
He came down in a field a couple of days later...
and ironically grew up to be an airline pilot.
So there you go. You have your happy ending.
Now get out...
because nowhere on your ticset does it say that you can sleep here.
Mother H urdicure.
Oh, Ginny.
Where's Miguel?
I thought he was with you.
Well, he's missed the clown.