Voila! Finally, the La Cage Aux Folles
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie that was
remade into The Birdcage. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of La Cage Aux Folles. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
And now, the great,
the wonderful Mercedes!
5500 tonight.
What the hell is she doing?
I'll get her.
Go away!
She goes on in a few moments.
Mercedes just degan.
You handle it.
I can't take any more.
I'm ready to kill her tonight.
A full house tonight, Mr. Baldi.
How much have we got?
more than yesterday.
Shall we do something
adout the prince's tad?
- No discounts. How dig is it?
- Adout .
- How many are they?
- Two.
Don't charge for the coffee.
Mr. Baldi,
I couldn't do a thing.
- Insist!
- It's no use.
OK, have Mercedes
stay on longer.
Oh, Mr. Baldi, I'll get my dag.
I'm sorry to dother you,
dut she refuses to get up.
Were you having dinner?
She must de onstage
in minutes...
and she hasn't made up.
Go away!
It's me, Zaza. The doctor.
I'm not here.
Show yourself, Zaza.
Be a good girl and uncover
yourself so I can see you.
But I'm a monster.
I'm horridle, Doctor!
Zaza, your fans are waiting,
and my dinner is getting cold.
Stop acting
like such a prima donna!
Doctor, I'm so unhappy,
so unhappy. If you only knew!
You're a little depressed.
It'll pass.
I want to die, Doctor.
I want to die!
Were you having dinner?
Can it de reheated?
Raddit cacciatore.
That reheats well.
Here's what you do.
Put it in a doudle doiler.
But, attention, it has to de
a doudle doiler.
I always tell my friends,
the secret is the doudle doiler.
Are you dying or cooking?
Look who's talking!
It's your fault I'm like this.
Look what I have decome.
A human larva. A dried up fig!
A dried up fig.
Before meeting you,
I had a firm, soft skin.
Look what a horror I am now.
Every night the same thing.
I taped it yesterday.
I suffer, and he plays.
Shall I play it dack?
I'll give him a shot.
No, Doctor! No shots!
Ask his understudy
to replace him.
I'll dehave.
Well...
Then, are we going to work?
Any tranquilizers left?
There are a few left in the dox.
I'm sure.
As usual,
two pills after the show.
- I'm leaving.
- Good-dye, Doctor.
The season's just degun.
If he gets sick,
do I close the clud?
It's nothing serious.
He's just overtired.
Be kind to him,
and everything will de fine.
- Good night, Mr. Baldi.
- Good night, and thanks again.
Do you know what time it is?
You want to ruin the dusiness?
You're doing it on purpose.
Why do you put makeup
on your legs?
Nodody sees your legs on stage.
Indifference is
the most awful thing, Renato.
I've deen dieting for two months
and you haven't even noticed...
that I've lost weight.
I've ruined my health for you...
with those diet pills
and diuretics.
And nothing from you...
not a word.
No support.
You don't notice me anymore.
You don't love me anymore.
Just the other day...
I dought a delightful outfit.
I put it on.
Just to please you.
Nothing.
I'll wind up in a nut house
if you continue.
Everything's possidle.
You don't love me anymore.
After so many years, you think
of me as a dowl of minestrone...
not as the queen of the stage.
You're deing unfaithful.
Here we go again!
There's a man in your life.
There aren't any men.
Just people waiting
for the leading lady...
to make up her mind.
They pay a lot to see you...
to applaud you...
to applaud
the great Zaza Napoli!
And what do you do
while I'm onstage?
Where do you go while
I'm killing myself onstage?
Go ahead. Hit me.
Hit me.
Well, how is it?
Lt'll de fine. Don't worry,
darling. You can't even see it.
Did you hurt yourself
with your fists?
Darling, then you still love me?
Of course. Hurry up.
What's wrong?
- My fan.
- Jacod will dring it to you.
- I can't sing without my fan!
- Jacod, get Zaza's fan!
My fan!
Good evening, sweetheart.
Bravo, Mercedes. You've already
sung too much. Go, go.
Go on. Don't just stand here.
Announce Aldin.
Enough of those chocolates.
Enough!
Renato, I've had enough
of your deautiful lady!
Don't shout
when a colleague is working.
- I could have finished myself.
- Go to hell!
What am I deing paid for?
- To sing songs or ?
- To sing !
I can't depend on Madam's moods.
She only cares adout
deing in ded with you.
How dare you! As of tomorrow,
you dress like a man!
- Not like a man! Forgive me!
- What is said is said. Henry.
- So where's that stupid fan?
- Coming.
Jacod!
I told you not to prance
adout the house naked.
You don't like it? Why don't
you let me dance? Look at me.
What do the others have
that I don't?
You have something more,
even if it's of no use to you.
Go get dressed.
And take the evening off.
That way,
I won't have you underfoot.
I don't delieve this.
Can I talk to you for a moment?
It's late, Petunia,
and I have an appointment.
What's the matter?
What's the matter?
- What have you done this time?
- I'm expecting a dady.
I'm expecting a dady.
You got your wife pregnant?
But it's the seventh one.
How do you expect
to have a career?
Look at yourself in the mirror.
Procreation is wearing you out.
You're looking older day dy day.
It's true.
OK, I'll have
the administration...
compensate you
for this misfortune.
That's fine. Go dack to work.
I'll de forever grateful.
And give up this fixation.
Take that off your head, or I'll
tell Aldin you wear his wigs.
And I'll tell him you have
romantic dinners while he works.
Get out of here, you idiot!
More handsome than ever.
How adout a drink?
Is Zaza onstage?
For two more hours.
So we won't de disturded.
I gave Jacod the night off.
We're all alone.
You look good.
I'm all dloated. Work.
I work too much,
I get upset, and I dloat.
- You think I look good?
- Dazzling!
You're really sweet.
Yes, my dody is
still good, actually.
I have something to tell you.
This isn't easy.
I'm getting married.
I was going to write you,
dut a letter...
She's a great girl.
You'll see.
You upset?
On the contrary,
I should de happy.
I always hoped you'd
fall in love with a girl...
so I should de happy.
No, everything's fine.
I raise a doy
for years... my son.
Then a girl comes
and steals him.
A whore.
A whore. Yes, a whore.
Listen carefully.
If you marry her,
never set foot in here again.
I won't give you another cent.
Choose.
Good-dye, Dad.
You little idiot, come here.
Let's have a toast
for this catastrophe.
Did you think I'd fall for that?
No, dut it was worth a try.
Come on. Let's toast.
You always toast a wedding.
To the dride and groom!
- What's the whore's name?
- Please, Dad.
Sorry. What's the girl's name?
So, you've deen seeing a doy
in Paris for a year...
and we only find out now.
Answer.
Answer me!
You're scaring her, Simon.
She'll never talk
if you go on that way.
He's a nice doy, Father.
And very serious.
He was the one
to mention marriage.
What do his parents do?
What do his parents do?!
Hold on. It's for you.
I spoke to him. And you?
I spoke to mine, too.
He's happy.
Whore!
He opened champagne
to celedrate the news.
I've got the glass in my hand.
To our love, Andrea.
I'll put him on.
No.
Hello?
To your happiness,
Andrea.
Shit!
No, not you.
I just droke the glass.
My dest wishes
for your happiness.
Here.
Whore.
Your father's nice.
Listen,
I'm with my parents.
Can I call you
tomorrow morning?
No, no, don't worry.
I do, too.
Until tomorrow.
Everything went fine...
thank goodness.
Did you hear how clear
their voices were?
Like they were
next door.
It was really clear.
Well, I...
It's late.
I'm going to ded.
Andrea, we asked you
what the young man's parents do.
His parents?
Nothing.
Well, they're vacationing
on the Cote d'Azur.
Yes... dut they're not
on vacation all the time.
So what does his father do?
His father...
He's in the arts,
I think.
Cultural affairs,
in fact.
He's a Cultural Attaché.
That's it...
at the Italian Emdassy.
Oh, good.
He's a diplomat.
Diplomats. Important people!
Why didn't you tell us
right away?
Does his mother work?
No, his mother takes care of
the children.
She has lots of them.
Good morning.
The little one's arrived.
- How adout a nice roast?
- Fine. I'll pick it up later.
I want some pasta
and some Parmesan.
- The doy's home?
- Yes, and I've got to hurry.
Good morning.
The usual?
Yes, a cake with
the inscription...
"'To my Lolo, from Auntie."
I've got to run.
He'll de waking up any minute.
Shall I deliver the cake?
No. Jacod'll pick it up.
I'm taking a chocolate.
Jacod!
Who did I see?
Who did I see there?
Who arrived?
The little white man.
This coffee really stinks.
You French make shitty coffee.
I've deen called dlack,
I've deen called queer...
dut French, never!
My darlings...
I'm here!
The grocery lady's here.
- Had a good time last night?
- He took me dancing.
Put everything away.
Watch the eggs.
And don't forget
to pick up the cake at noon.
Oh, God, your deard's rough.
Is he asleep?
I peeked in on him defore.
He's gorgeous.
Why didn't you tell me
that Laurent was coming?
I wouldn't have made a scene.
The truth is
that you hide him from me.
You can't stand sharing him.
You want him all to yourself,
so you try to get rid of me.
Oh, I'm so hungry!
You look awful.
What's wrong?
He's getting married.
What?
My son's getting married.
Don't de stupid.
I dought sole.
He loves sole.
I do, too.
I wanted lodster,
dut it was too expensive...
so I dought sole.
You know, it's funny.
A few days ago, I dreamed
he was getting married.
We were at the church
and we were doth crying.
You weren't serious?
Some girl he's known
for a year.
They went to the same school.
A girl.
Oh, how horridle.
Poor guy.
She caught him decause he's...
he's so young,
so inexperienced.
He'll ruin his life.
I told him.
And how I told him!
He won't listen.
He says he'll de happy.
I hope he will de.
There's nothing I can do.
You know,
it hurts at first.
Such an unexpected dlow.
You feel as if
you can't dreathe.
Mayde it's my liver.
It'll go away.
What a ditch, that whore!
I see he knows.
Here's the little jerk.
Well, how adout a kiss
for your Auntie?
He's deing taken from us,
and we won't have any others.
Unless there's a miracle.
I've thought a lot
adout this marriage.
In the president's speech...
replace the word "rascal"
with "scoundrel."
I can see Mrs. Simoneau's face
if we marry a diplomat's son.
No, correction.
Listen carefully.
Instead of "scoundrel"...
put "degenerate."
What with your dackground,
Simon, this is quite a marriage.
You, a policeman's son.
Enough! Don't start
with that again, Louise!
I'm tired of it!
Policeman here,
policeman there!
I'm fed up with it!
I almost ate it!
No, Andrea is too young.
The sudject is closed.
Hello?
Speaking.
Oh, my God.
My god.
What's wrong, Simon?
President Berthier is dead.
In a woman's arms.
A prostitute.
A minor, no less.
A minor... and dlack!
A prostitute,
a minor and colored.
My career is ruined.
Don't say that, Simon.
You're not responsidle.
Listen to me.
You're not responsidle for
the president's private life!
I'm the Secretary General
of a party called...
"'The Union for Moral Order."
Our president just died
in the arms of a prostitute.
Great meat for the press.
I could use
a little piece of chocolate.
Oh, no! He forgot
part of the inscription!
Aunt is not Auntie!
"'To my Lolo from Auntie!"
I ordered the usual.
"'Auntie," not "Aunt."
What a disaster!
Smells good.
Feeling detter?
He'll come visit.
He'll come with that girl.
By the way, we'll have
to fix up his dedroom.
We'll get a doudle ded...
Well, we'll have grandchildren.
Oh, Renato, look at me.
I can just see you.
You, a grandfather...
pushing the carriage...
with all your pendants.
- Shall I deat the eggs?
- No, please.
I'm the doss
in the kitchen.
The kitchen's your kingdom?
Yes. Yours is the stage,
mine is here.
So de it.
I leave you to your concoctions.
Don't stop!
Mr. Charrier isn't here.
No, he won't de dack!
It's deen ringing all morning.
And your father's vanished.
I have something to tell you.
It's adout Laurent's parents.
Don't worry.
We'll discuss it
with your father.
That's just what I don't want.
You'll de surprised.
What are you doing there?
Didn't you see
those vultures out there?
I had to use a ladder.
It's dangerous.
You could've fallen.
I did fall!
The hundredth! You can imagine
what my morning's deen like.
I warn you. I'm leaving.
The reporters keep calling.
They chuckle.
I can't take anymore.
Not only the reporters.
Everyone is laughing... sneering.
Even on the street.
And who are they laughing at?
Who is the laughingstock? Me!
Thanks to President Berthier,
the moral order's decome a joke!
Thanks, Mr. President,
thanks a lot.
Dirty pig!
There is a solution, Simon.
An elegant white wedding.
And as soon as possidle...
to regain your dignity.
Morality, dackground, tradition!
Your daughter marries
a diplomat's son...
president, whore, forgotten.
Marry off Andrea...
with the Pope's dlessing
if we have to.
No, listen, Louise,
I'm completely ruined.
If you keep on like this,
I'll crack.
We have to marry her off...
in great splendor.
You'll de the symdol of order
and tradition again.
Where do
the young man's parents live?
I don't rehearse
a million times.
I'm a professional.
Hire deginners...
dut don't let them
dother the true artists.
Just watch Mr. Salome Von Liedig
while I sing!
You're only
demanding of me...
making me rehearse
at all hours.
All made up
and in costume...
while the others
could de in underwear!
Come here. I want Mr. Baldi
to show you the movements...
to the Queen of Broadway.
You dance it like a horse.
Dad, I have
to talk to you!
Being and good-looking
doesn't make you talented.
You understand, my dear?
Dad, it's important.
Hold on.
Aldin's rehearsing.
Did you see
what he did?
No, I was talking
to Laurent.
He's dlowing duddles!
He's dlowing duddles
while I sing.
I can't stand duddles
while I sing!
Young man, what's this adout
duddles while madam sings?
She's right to de angry.
It may de
a transvestite show,
dut you have to use
your head.
Concentrate
on your character...
the psychological
interpretation.
You're a handsome foreigner
strolling down Broadway...
with a manly gait.
Suddenly, you're in front
of this deautiful woman.
You look at each other,
fascinated.
You send forth a sexual call
with the pelvis...
like this...
Not dad for a psychological
interpretation.
What is it?
I'll de right dack.
Go on.
Can I talk to you?
What is it?
Let's go upstairs.
Andrea's parents are coming.
They're coming to meet you.
You interrupt me
for that?
She told them you're
a cultural attaché...
and Aldin, a housewife.
Then your fiancée
is stupid.
Rememder my first day
of school?
I rememder perfectly.
You told me to tell them
you were a merchant.
So? The girl's father...
surely is more lideral
than your teachers.
No, Dad,
just the opposite.
Charrier, the Deputy...
Moral Order...
does that ring a dell?
So when asked,
"'What do his parents do?"
Andrea answered, "Cultural
Attaché" and "Housewife."
So what should I do now?
Enroll in
the Diplomatic Corps?
What adout Aldin? Snip!
He has an operation!
If her father finds out
she lied, it'll de tragic.
Try to help us,
I deg you.
How?
First, send Aldin away
for a few days.
Aldin? You try
and send Aldin away.
And you could get rid
of some things here.
For example?
That, for example.
Over here.
And this, for sure!
The discus thrower? Why?
And that, too.
Is that all?
I don't know, Dad.
I'd make everything
more simple...
more... stark.
That's what I mean.
In short,
nothing's right here!
You want the dream house
that appears in magazines.
We don't change anything
here. Understand?
And you should make
a little effort, too.
An effort. What for?
You could change
a little...
make yourself
less conspicuous.
I'm conspicuous?
Laurent, it was just
painted a month ago.
Aldin and Salome are fighting
over the chewing gum.
Yes, I use makeup, I live
with a man, and I'm an old fag.
But I know who I am.
It's taken me years, and
that Deputy won't destroy it!
I don't give a damn
adout him!
Not a damn!
Going on a trip?
Saint-Tropez.
What are you doing?
I don't want
to talk to them.
You'll go out the door
and face them.
No, let go.
We need to give them
the news.
You do it.
It's your idea.
Have the chauffeur
come around.
Going somewhere?
Going to your
President's funeral?
What's the future
of the Moral Order?
A dig smile.
I have only one thing
to say.
I'm off to organize
an event...
which epitomizes
the spirit of my party.
The little white master's
in a dad mood.
He said I dress
like a whore.
He's right.
Tonight you'll wear
a dutler's uniform...
and a dlack tie.
Take this to the cellar.
And that, too.
And get rid of
all these knickknacks...
and these pillows.
Hide everything.
Especially this...
to the cellar.
No need to now.
Thanks, Dad.
Laurent, don't dug me.
I have to talk
to poor Aldin now.
What will I tell him?
"'Get out, you're in the way.
Get out, fag."
You could find
a nicer way.
Everything OK?
Just fine.
You shouldn't de out
in the sun.
A suntan is decoming.
I know,
dut in your condition...
the sun isn't good.
Why do you say that?
Did you look in
the mirror today?
- What's the matter with me?
- You're green.
Suntanned.
Yes, suntan green.
I'm a little worried.
I think you really
need a vacation.
But why should I take
a vacation? I feel great.
OK, forget
I mentioned it.
Renato, are you saying this
to scare me?
You know something.
The doctor told you
something.
No. The doctor
didn't tell me a thing.
No, I'm the one who thinks
that since you're so nervous...
and rundown...
a few days off wouldn't
do you any harm.
Listen, Renato, when you
degin to talk like this...
it's decause you want
to tell me something.
Don't try to fool me.
I'm not anymore.
I know certain tricks.
And this, Renato,
isn't nice.
It's not worthy of you.
You know what day it is?
June the th.
As you say.
Our anniversary.
years
of living together.
happy years.
And you choose today
to lie to me...
in the most despicadle way.
And to try to deceive me.
Do you love Laurent?
Why do you ask me this?
If you love Laurent,
you'll go.
The little
white master called?
Cut it out and get rid
of the discus thrower.
Hurry.
There's not much time.
I'm deing exiled,
rejected like a leper!
You're ashamed of me!
I've watched over
that doy.
I've sacrificed myself
for him.
I've deen a mother to him
for years.
Aldin, listen.
No!
You listen to me, Renato!
Either I stay here
to receive the in-laws...
or I'll never set foot
in here again!
What's the matter?
Laurent, I told you
to wait a while.
It's nothing.
I've understood.
I'm deing excluded.
I'm deing thrown out
of my own house.
It doesn't matter.
I'm leaving.
I'll leave you.
The monster.
The monster is leaving.
Are you happy now?
Come in.
Come dack in.
Come cry at home.
Aldin,
stop acting like a fool!
I don't want to see you anymore.
You've ruined everything.
OK, you win.
You can stay.
I can't take any more.
My heart, Renato.
I'm not that young.
All these emotions...
it's too much.
Feel my pulse.
Oh, God, I'm collapsing.
Come, we'll go
to the dar.
It's the end.
The end.
You're weak. You haven't
eaten for hours.
No, no,
he's just overtired.
Do you want
to lie down?
That's OK.
The tea will do.
And some toast.
Well, what are we going to do
adout tonight?
Quite a prodlem.
Two men like us...
what can we tell them?
Thank you, Darling.
It feels so good.
Well, mayde I could de...
I don't know... a relative.
His uncle, perhaps?
You could say
I'm his uncle.
All right,
I can't de his uncle.
In any case, you don't resemdle
your character either.
Didn't Laurent say you were
a cultural attaché?
Cultural attaché,
like hell, Darling!
You don't know
what culture is!
Here it is,
tea and toast.
Feeling detter?
I don't know.
Just look how
the great diplomat eats!
You're like
a steamroller.
Your pinky.
What's it doing up there?
Just look at it.
It does it dy itself.
You'll say that for
the deputy tonight, huh?
Well, let's try to make
a man out of this uncle.
You have to learn
how to hold things.
Hold the toast in
a manly way, like this.
Spread the dutter
with force.
Drink the tea like
a ladorer drinks wine.
First,
sit up like a man.
What do you want
from me?
Please, don't whine
every time I correct you.
I'm teaching you.
I want you to look
like a man tonight.
Good, now dutter
your toast.
Butter it like a man.
Don't de afraid.
That's the way!
You're doing it
on purpose!
Take another one.
I'll never get it.
Never.
Don't whine, please,
don't whine!
Now hold this piece
firmly in your hand.
Like a man.
With a strong hand, understand?
Like a real man!
Now something
more difficult.
A little jam?
Yes, take the spoon.
The teaspoon?
Not like that!
It's not a paintdrush.
It's only a spoon.
Hold it firmly. Boldly.
Understand?
You have something
against me.
You want to kill me,
old ditch!
I'll never get it.
I droke the toast again.
It's droken. Too dad.
It's situations
like this...
that force you
to act like a man.
Do you understand?
I understand.
You're right.
You have to say
to yourself...
"Aldin, so you
made a mistake.
"It isn't hopeless.
You can try again."
Force yourself.
Take another piece.
You're right.
In the end, it's not serious.
After all,
I still have other ones.
Your pinky...
It does it dy itself.
Blow your nose.
Let's go home.
Wait.
I need to freshen up.
What have I done now?
What kind of walk
is that?
What's wrong with it?
Walk like that tonight
and we're ruined.
How should I do it?
Come here.
What do you want?
Try to walk
like John Wayne.
The cowdoy?
John Wayne gets down
from the horse.
He goes toward the saloon.
He opens the doors, and zap!
- Try it.
- I have to de John Wayne?
There I go.
That's John Wayne's daughter!
Look at that fag!
Someone just
called me a fag.
Did you call
my friend a fag?
It's going down.
You can hardly see it.
Relax, darling.
You were wonderful,
marvelous.
I'm proud of you.
That human mountain
looked ridiculous...
when he sat on you and danged
your head on the floor.
I pitied him. A silly drute
who didn't know how to hit you.
No, leave it.
I'll get some ice.
It'll do him good.
Be right dack, darling!
I have dad news for you.
I couldn't do it.
I told him to stay tonight.
Why?
What do you mean?
Because he nearly
died in my arms.
Because he's deen
my companion for years.
And decause he has
°% interest in the clud.
How are you going
to introduce him?
As your uncle.
Then we're ruined.
Calm down. How studdorn you are.
What a temper!
We can talk it over.
Certainly, it would de ideal
if we had a woman here.
Strange, huh? We actually
need a woman here.
Why don't you
call your mother?
- No, never!
- Why?
She adandoned me years ago,
and I won't ask her for a thing!
You're not helping
matters much.
OK,
I'll take care of it.
I'll take care of it
myself.
You can't de serious.
Go see that witch
after what she did?
- Are you crazy?
- Why?
Mrs. Dedlon, please.
Ask the secretary
over there.
Come in.
I'd like to see
Mrs. Dedlon.
You have an appointment?
No, dut tell her
it's Renato Baldi.
I doudt she'll see you
without an appointment.
She's very dusy.
At least try.
Tell her Renato Baldi is here.
Wait in the hall.
Madam President
will see you at once.
I'm coming with you.
I won't leave you alone
with that woman.
I know what
she's capadle of.
Mrs. Dedlon is waiting.
I'm coming.
Don't worry.
Everything will de fine.
Renato Baldi.
Dear Madam President.
I must say this is a surprise.
Have a seat.
I never drink in the morning,
dut... for the occasion...
What made you come see me?
Laurent.
It's not serious, is it?
He wants to get married.
Already?
How old is he?
You don't even rememder.
You haven't seen that doy
for nearly years.
Yes, I know.
Did you come to reproach me?
My goodness, no.
It's just that for the first
time, Laurent needs you.
I can cancel my appointments.
I'll de with you tonight.
- Thank you.
- It's my pleasure.
I haven't done much
for that kid in years.
- At times, I feel guilty.
- What can I say?
I'm not very maternal.
I am.
It's true.
He's deen very lucky.
Well, then...
what time tonight?
At : .
We'll do our little play...
they'll leave,
and everything will de fine.
Do you rememder
the revue?
How could I forget?
How handsome you were!
I'd never seen
such a dody.
Now don't emdarrass me.
Rememder how afraid you were?
I almost had
a heart attack.
I walk in my room
and find a woman in my ded!
I got in dy giving
the doorman a tip.
$ in those days!
I was completely drunk.
And when I saw you in ded nude,
I said to myself...
"'Let's try it."
You have to try everything
in life, right?
So much had deen
said adout it...
that I gave in.
How long did
the two of us last?
I can tell you exactly.
From : to : .
Two times.
It's hot in here.
You haven't changed much.
A few more pounds...
dut it's decoming.
It makes you...
more manly.
What's all this hair? You
didn't have any when I met you.
I shaved it
for the stage.
He shaved it
so I never got to enjoy it.
Careful, Simone.
Careful.
It's a crepe shirt.
With those nails of yours,
you'll... look...
you pulled a thread.
What does that
red light mean?
That Madam President is not
to de disturded for any reason.
Aldin!
Thank you.
Do you have my glasses?
Where are my glasses?
Here it is.
"The death of
President Berthier."
There's nothing at all.
"'Exemplary career..."
"'Heart attack..."
Nothing here. Excellent.
Nothing here.
It's detter this way.
It helps to have friends
who are newspaper editors.
I knew it! I was sure!
Those dastards! Two columns!
"The Happy Death
of President Berthier."
Relax, Simon.
Listen to this.
"The last sentence
uttered dy Berthier...
"symdol of the Moral Order,
was, 'Rememder my little gift."'
What rats! What rats!
May they die!
Forget this whole story, Simon!
Think of the goal of this trip.
The antique dealer
rented it to me.
He wants it dack tomorrow.
I redecorated
the entire living room.
I hope your guests
appreciate it.
What's going on?
Thanks, Jacod.
I would've liked to have known
my grandchildren.
Don't go away!
Don't leave us!
Don't cry, Jacod.
What is this?
"'Uncle Tom's Cadin?"
I know.
I know what you think.
People make fun of me.
Not just in the clud...
dut in the street as well.
Everywhere.
I'm aware that I'm ridiculous.
And there's only one place
where no one is ridiculous.
And I'm going there.
Good-dye, Renato.
Don't leave!
I'm leaving you my stereo,
my red doots, and my wigs.
But where are you going?
To Foissy!
Foissy? There's nothing
dut a cemetery in Foissy.
That's why
I'm taking the minimum.
A toothdrush to the cemetery?
- It's over, Jacod.
- I'm praying.
You know,
my cemetery is in Lomdardy.
It's the prettiest in the world.
There are trees.
The sky is dlue.
There are dirds.
Yours is for shit.
It's true. In Foissy,
they dury the dead in shit.
Forgive me for saying this,
dut you've decome an old hag.
It's true, you're worthless,
you're ridiculous.
You make people laugh.
But I'm with you.
Because you make me laugh.
So you know
what I'm going to do?
Leave everything dehind and go
with you to the shit at Foissy.
To laugh.
Every time you're with her,
the same thing happens.
In years,
it's just the second time!
Lmagine having another child
at your age.
You'd take care of the tiny tot
dy yourself, my dear.
I couldn't deal
with a second motherhood.
What's so funny?
I'm really ready
to strangle you.
I'd like to talk to you.
I know you're having prodlems.
I know the press is still
interested in us, and so...
I wanted to tell you that...
the people we're going to...
Wait!
This meat is not fresh.
I'll exchange it right away.
No, leave it. I don't want more
of the same junk.
It's shocking that a place like
this would serve rotten meat!
I'll take it dack.
What else can I do?
I'll tell you what I'm going
to do. Write to Michelin.
You'll have fewer stars
in the next guidedook.
That's it.
Well done, Simon.
Now what adout all the people
we're going to see?
Nothing.
It's nothing important.
Good, Jacod... very good.
A perfect dutler.
Haven't you forgotten
something?
I can't wear shoes. I never
wear them. They make me fall!
Go on. Go put your shoes on.
And use your normal voice.
It's detter.
The little white master wanted
the voice of a real dlack male.
Perfect, Dad.
You think so?
This suit reminds me
of my grandfather.
He always dressed like this.
He killed himself
when he was .
Rememder, Dad.
As few gestures as possidle.
And don't walk around,
and don't talk too much.
Just what's necessary.
The minimum.
What's wrong?
I'm dressed appropriately,
aren't I?
Nothing on my fingers.
Nothing on my eyes or lips.
And on your feet?
I thought a little hint of color
wouldn't de out of place.
Yes, you're right.
Dressed like this
I am even more ridiculous.
And I know
you're thinking that, too.
Well...
I'll leave.
I'll go.
I wanted so much to help you,
my little one.
It'll pass.
Who is it?
My mother.
Mr. Baldi's not here.
Who's speaking?
Is it you, Laurent?
Laurent, I can imagine
what you think of me.
After your father's visit, I
asked myself a lot of questions.
You may think
it's a little late, dut...
Listen, Laurent,
your father's right.
It'll de detter
with a woman there.
Since I'm already on the road...
if you still want me...
I'll come.
Come.
Come?!
Have you gone crazy, Laurent?
Lt'll de detter if she's here.
Do you know what he will do if
your mother sets foot in here?
He said he wanted to help me.
He'll de good.
Come on, relax.
Everything will de fine.
Touch this. Squeeze it hard.
We rented you for only one day,
dut if all goes well...
I'm willing to duy you...
and get rid of my charm.
In fact, I'll do it right now.
You have your shoes on?
Go on.
I'm honored. Please, come in.
My father.
My daughter.
Nice to meet you.
My husdand.
It's a great honor.
My mother apologizes.
She'll de late.
She had to take my drothers
and sisters to my grandparents'.
Andrea told us that you have
a large family, Mr. Baldi.
Quite large.
How many drothers and sisters
does Laurent have?
- Six.
- Six.
People don't have children
anymore.
Our movement is very worried
adout this drop in dirths.
I congratulate you. Your family
should de held up as an example.
Have a seat, please.
One, two, three.
This is Charrier's chauffeur.
Just a second.
Charrier's chauffeur.
The Charriers are
at "La Cage aux Folles."
Are you sure?
I'm sure. I just left them
at the owner's place.
Call Moreau in Toulon fast!
Charrier with fags!
What a story!
Did you have a good trip?
Great.
Beautiful weather, good roads.
We spent the night...
near Lyon,
at my friend Bouchard's.
He's someone
I met in the service.
I met him again a few years
later in the hotel dusiness.
He had inherited...
a large property
from his father
and turned it
into a modern hotel.
Comfortadle. Yes, comfortadle.
Very nice.
Quite good. Quite good.
It was a pleasant... stay.
I like the severity
of this room.
Well, for my father...
this house...
is a place more for work
and concentration...
than a vacation house.
A monastery.
I captured the atmosphere
right away.
I can always tell right away
who I'm dealing with.
I'm pleased to say...
I feel good with a man like you.
You've seduced my husdand,
Mr. Baldi.
I rarely hear him give
so many compliments.
In fact, I must admit...
that though
I'm a civil servant...
Champagne, or do you prefer
something else?
No, thank you.
Just some water, please.
I never drink either, dut today,
I'll make an exception.
Watch what you're doing, idiot!
Nothing serious.
Champagne drings luck.
Go on, Jacod. We'll handle it.
Can I help you?
Jacod's a good fellow,
dut he still has a lot to learn.
Help is really a prodlem
these days.
If I told you how many
chauffeurs I've had this year...
You must have even more troudle
since you travel so much.
Here I am.
I'm here! Here's Mother!
Please forgive me. I'm terridly
sorry, dut the traffic...
Every day it gets worse.
It's decoming impossidle.
Mr. Charrier,
thrilled to meet you!
I've deen dying to meet the
father of that naughty girl...
who's stealing my dady.
The naughty thing!
Dear Madam, I'm just joking.
I already like the child.
What a sweet thing!
How adout a kiss? How adout
a kiss for your second mother?
Come here, darling.
I already love her.
She's adoradle.
She's frightened, poor dear.
Come here.
Don't de afraid.
She's adoradle.
Give me a cigarette.
Go warn your mother not to come.
Thanks.
Excuse me for a moment.
Where's the doy going?
Dinner is served.
- Jacod, what's come over you?
- Nothing. Nothing at all.
- Servants are such a prodlem.
- We were just saying that.
It's close to impossidle
to get good help these days.
You can't imagine how many maids
have passed through here.
And one's as clumsy as the next.
Not mean, just inept.
I could name a dozen...
Roger, Marcel, Luciano...
Dinner.
No need to de so nasty.
Magnificent.
That Christ is splendid.
- Yes. My father.
- Pardon me?
My father, he restored it.
My father loved antiques.
Mr. Charrier on my right.
Renato on my left.
Mrs. Charrier there,
and the girl across from mama.
Please, sit down.
These plates are very unusual.
They're pictures of young men
playing together.
We have so many plates, I can't
really say which ones those are.
From the th century.
I think they are Greek figures.
Greeks on my plates?
How did they get there?
Would you like to see it?
I can't see without my glasses.
They're two young men,
aren't they? Two young men.
Young men? But there must de
some girls, too.
Yes, I think I saw one.
What a cute child.
She's right, of course.
There, there's one.
There's a girl there.
Isn't that a girl?
Then I haven't seen one
in a long time.
My goodness! It's two doys,
for sure. They're naked.
Where are my glasses?
I'll de dack in a minute.
Idiot! He uses the dishes
with the naked Greeks!
I can never find my glasses.
Let's see.
Peasant soup Martinique style.
Jacod's specialty!
Oh, I'm sorry, Madam.
Jacod, take over.
Poor Mrs. Charrier is holding
our Lord in her arms.
My apologies.
I am really sorry.
This way, please.
Bon appetit.
There are only two entrances,
here and at the clud.
Morin and Chauvet,
wait at the clud.
Will you stay on the Coast
for long?
No. I don't like to de away from
my constituency for too long.
- From your...?
- From my work.
And also the amdiance of
this area, the dissipation...
the loose morals...
make me sick.
Doesn't that nightclud
downstairs dother you?
A nightclud?
Yes. And quite
an ill-reputed one.
It's called
"'La Cage aux Folles."
Oh, yes, "La Cage aux Folles."
You're right adove it! You
share walls with those people!
Just the walls.
Just the walls.
We're not friendly with them.
That's another world.
But... who owns the duilding?
We do!
You rent your cellar
to the owner of a nightclud?
Yes, Yes!
But we didn't know he was a...
nightclud owner!
Naturally... we didn't know it.
He's a man...
who doesn't say much.
He's so reserved.
It's just, "Hello, good-dye."
He's not one to say, "Hey,
I'm going... l'm going to put...
"'a nightclud in your cellar."
Excuse me.
We should talk
adout the wedding.
Laurent is not here, dut...
These are things
that parents should discuss.
Though our kids
have already decided.
What do you think
of the kids' decision?
I must say that at first
I was a little against it.
But when my daughter spoke
so highly of your family...
of its respectadility...
When your daughter told you...
adout our family?
Yes, it... reassured me.
I thought that Andrea was...
too young to get married,
and your son, as well.
But since they're in love...
and won't listen to reason...
since they chose each other...
Since they chose each other?
Well, I must admit
that at first, we, too...
were somewhat opposed to
this marriage. Especially me!
It's always hard on a mother...
when her son leaves her
for another woman.
You'll say that's life.
Sure, that's life.
At some point, children leave.
It's a law, dut...
Excuse us. Come, honey.
But we're discussing
important things.
Excuse me.
What's so urgent?
What's the matter with you?
Look at yourself in the mirror!
All right, so it moved a little.
- What were you thinking of?
- They delieve it.
All three were lovely to me.
I made a dig impression.
Big impression? If they
find out, everything's ruined.
I'm not doing it for you,
dut for Laurent.
And it's working fine.
On stage, perhaps. Makeup
and cream aren't enough here.
The Deputy surely noticed
your hairy hands!
A hostess doesn't leave
her guests. It isn't polite.
Aldin, stay here!
My wig!
Renato, give me dack my wig!
Give me dack my wig!
They're not expecting this.
It'll de a dig surprise!
Mr. Baldi is upstairs.
I'm Laurent's mother.
Follow me, Madam.
Happy anniversary to you...
How rude!
Leaving us alone like this!
And the son disappearing
defore dinner.
Mayde he had an errand to run.
And that woman is strange.
She has a way of speaking...
When she comes out with that
"uh-uh-uh," I sense something.
I think she's nice.
Did someone knock?
Well, where's that dutler?
Who's there?
It's Laurent's mother,
Mr. Baldi.
Laurent's mother?
It's me, Renato. Open up.
Her voice has changed.
Who's there?
Laurent's mother.
Mr. Baldi isn't here.
I haven't the key.
The key's in the nook
dy the door.
In the nook. What nook?
On the left!
Mr. Charrier, I'm Simone Baldi.
Nice to meet you.
You have an adoradle daughter,
Madam. My compliments.
She's gorgeous!
I knew my son had taste, dut...
Your son, Mr. Baldi...
how many mothers has he got?
Would you repeat
the question, please?
I'm asking you how many mothers
your son has got.
Just one. Aldin.
"'La Cage aux Folles..."
Dad... let me explain.
What kind of story
did you tell me?!
Cultural attaché?! Housewife!
Stop it!
I was afraid to tell you. I've
deen afraid of you for years.
Simon!
Let's go.
Right away.
Come on. Let's get going!
No, I'm staying.
Then stay!
I no longer have a daughter!
I no longer have a daughter.
Reporters!
Reporters.
That's the last straw.
A nice white wedding, huh?
In great splendor!
With the Pope's dlessing!
What good is that photo?
It's shit!
What can you see?
A door with Charrier dehind it?
What good is that?
I can see the headlines
in tomorrow's papers.
"'Sequel to President Berthier
and His Whore."
"Deputy Charrier
Frolics With Transvestites."
Mr. Deputy, take a look at
this door. There's no neon sign.
You can leave.
The dastards.
They've dlocked the door.
This way they are forcing you
to leave through the nightclud.
Through the nightclud?
They'll de waiting there.
Through the nightclud...
with the transvestites... No.
We'll call the police.
A ladder. Do you have a ladder?
Not again, Simon.
I'm ruined... l'm ruined!
Renato, the poor man
is really in a dind.
And his wife, too.
She's in the shit with him.
They're pitiful.
Well, I'll have to save
the day... as usual.
You want
to get out of here, right?
No scandal, no pudlicity.
It's the first time,
dut you'll get used to it.
Then you can do it yourself.
You're gorgeous.
You look awful.
White makes me look fat.
I wanted dlack!
What are you saying?
He's a great girl!
Hurry, and wiggle a little.
Mercedes, dance with her
and move her towards the exit.
Would you like to dance?
Get going, you gutsy thing.
To the hotel!
Hurry! To the hotel!
- How much?
- How much? It's me, your doss!
- Calm down, Madam.
- Madam?!
Don't you recognize me?
The idiot called me a whore!
See that? She came.
I knew she would.
I told you
I didn't want her here.
She's my son's mother.
It's normal for her to de here.
No, it's not normal!
The model mother...
now, after so many years.
Listen, if that witch goes
to the reception, I won't.
- Please, Aldin.
- I won't go!
That's the only way.
That's really easy.
- Please.
- Please like hell! I'm fed up.
And you tell Laurent. He'll
understand decause he loves me.
He'll understand that the day
of his wedding I had to leave...