Voila! Finally, the Last Shot
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring PMatthew
Broderick and Alec Baldwin. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Last Shot. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
Where's the money?
I tell you, I need just a few more days.
Please, I can get it.
What are you gonna do to me?
Movie starts in three minutes.
If you don't tell us
where the money is,
we're gonna cut your fingers off
during the opening credits.
Titles. Credits come at the end
of the movies. Titles come first.
Fine. Titles.
We're gonna cut 'em off
during the fuckin' titles.
The shows starts
in two minutes.
I tell ya, I just need a couple more days.
Please, don't do it.
No! I'm telling you, don't do it!
You gotta listen to me.
Whatever you do, don't do it.
Do you hear me?
- The show starts in one minute.
- Don't do it.
- We gotta get him out of there.
- Devine hasn't given a signal.
We move when Devine gives the signal.
Maybe he forgot it, Ray.
He's tied to a chair.- That's Sal Rossi Jr down there, right?
- The dancing popcorn. Jesus Christ!
Screw the signal. I say
we get him out of there.
No, wait, wait.
Devine hasn't given a signal
because he wants Rossi to take a finger.- What are you talking about?
- A finger? What if you're wrong, Ray?
- What if he forgot the fucking signal?
- Look, don't you get it?
If Sal takes that finger, we get him
for assault, attempted murder.
- That's years.
- This is crazy.
He doesn't want us to wait, Ray.
He doesn't want us to wait
while some psycho takes his finger.
This is Devine's detail,
and he wants us to wait.
The dancing hot dog. Jesus Christ!
All right, you get some ice.
You get the finger.
Hello. I'm home.
Sasha, where are you?
I have presents.
Sasha?
Mr Devine, I tried calling you.
They said it was impossible to reach you.
I even tried that special number.
Delores, I have these presents
I wanna give to Sasha. Where is she?
I'm sorry, sir. Your dog is dead.
She killed herself.
What?
The Jacuzzi. She threw herself
into the Jacuzzi.
I tried to find you.
It was horrible.
Oh, no. Maybe she fell in.
Oh, there was a witness.
Alejandro, the gardener's son.
It was suicide.
Suicide?
She was lonely.
She couldn't stand it any more.
Then why the fuck didn't you
go outside and play with her?
Throw the little red ball with her?
I'm sorry, Mr Devine.
I know you loved that dog.
On Tuesday, she dug up all the flowers
and then took a dump in the kitchen.
I believe that was her note.
Joe, from the beautiful words
you've written,
it's clear to me that Sasha
wasn't just a great dog.
She was a great friend.
"Sasha was loyal, she was compassionate,
and she loved to shake. "
And now I'm going to ask you to bow
your head for one minute of silence.
Sorry to hear about Sasha.
I know you were close to that bitch.
So what brings you to town?
Did you hear about my finger?
Oh, yeah. I'm very proud of the work
you're doing here in Houston.
Then why don't you get me
the hell out of here?
Jack, you've been deputy director
of the Bureau for six years,
and I've been stuck here
for five of those years.
Do you know what people would say if
I handed you the Gotti detail in New York?
They took my fucking index finger.
They cut my fucking finger off!
And we appreciate that.
I'm your brother, Jack.
You tell 'em I can do this thing.
I'm gonna nail these motherfuckers.
Take it easy. Listen, I am on your side.
I'm on your side. We all know
you're gonna be a star, Joseph.
Jack, I'm never gonna
be a star in Houston.
I know. That's why
I'm sending you to Providence.
Providence?
There's mobsters in Rhode Island?What are we doing in Rhode Island?
We were better off in Houston.
That's Tommy Sanz in there,
Gotti's cousin.
- Second cousin.
- He's still family.
Sal Rossi Jr wasn't even Italian.
Hey, we nail this Tommy Sanz guy,
that could be our ticket
to Philadelphia, New York,
maybe even Washington.
FBI agents believe John Gotti
planned Paul Castellano's murder
outside Sparks Steak House
in December,
and prosecutors are expected to try
to make another case against him.
But Gotti, in prison during the trial,
is tonight a free man.
So, Tommy, you get invited
to John's party?
Investigators have been
watching Gotti...
I really don't think John considers me
part of the family any more.
It's my face, Willie.
The guys back home
can't stand to look at me.
I thought after the second surgery
things would change.
Did you talk to that
plastic surgeon?
He said he wanted to take skin
from my ass cheeks and put it on my face.
I beat that cocksucker
with his own chair.
I need to do something big.
Or I'll never get back to New York.
There's another movie shooting in town.
Horror movie.
One of the producers
calls Wally over at the local.
Seems they need a favour
from the Teamsters.
I said big, Willie.
Big, like this TV.
That's inches.
They need ten trucks max,
drivers, no hassles.
Last time our cut was three grand.
Fine. Tell Wally...
They're talking about a bribe.
They're taking a bribe from those movie
people to make a deal with the union.
So?
So the Mob controls the union -
the Teamsters -
which means they control the trucks.
The trucks the movie people use.
What the hell
are you talking about?
I know how we're gonna get Tommy Sanz.
Agent Devine, it says here
you wanna produce a movie?
No, sir. Actually, there really
isn't going to be a movie.
I only want Tommy Sanz
to think I'm producing a movie.
We really don't give a shit.
Just tell us the play.
Trucks. This is how all movies
are made, sir. With trucks.
We're gonna offer Tommy Sanz a bribe
to intercede with the Teamsters
on our behalf
and, once he accepts,
we're gonna nail him for racketeering.
Well, there's an obvious
risk here, Agent Devine.
What do you know
about producing movies?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, you're such a star.
I don't hear anything, honey.
It's not happening. They're not
making any sound, honey.
No.
I can't take it any more, Steven.
I can't take it any more.
- I'm gonna go kill...
- The headphones.
Hey, shut the fuck up!
Do you understand me?
Shut the fuck fucking up!
I'm gonna fucking come down there
and fucking kill you!
Do you hear me, you motherfuckers?
I'm sick and tired of living like this.
My whole life smells like shit.
Yeah, I'm talking to you,
you piece of motherfucking shit!
We live in a kennel.
We live in a kennel.
Yeah, but you know who boards
their dogs down there?
Goldie Hawn, Ted Danson,
Meryl Streep, Connie Chung.
I've met agents down there,
studio heads.
I'm gonna kill those dogs.
I'm gonna fucking kill those dogs.
All right, if you wanna move,
we'll move,
but then we're both gonna
have to work full time.
Could you just stop it?
I'm so sick of you and your threats.
How many years have I had to live
with you and your threats?
Maybe I don't wanna be
an actress any more.
- You're a great actress.
- Oh, let's stop the bullshit, Steven.
I am not an actress.
I play the piano at the mall.
It's not the mall. It's Nordstrom's,
where every casting agent shops.
I'm years old.
How messed up am I that I have to
stay here and live like this?
Make a great story, though, won't it,
when you're famous
and you have to talk about your life?
"Valerie Weston
goes from pound to gown
as she steps out of her limo
at the Chinese Theatre. "
I'm going to work.
I know you're nervous, Robert. It's your
first day. But you're gonna do just great.
You'll be working as
a floater in concessions.
You'll be in charge of napkins and butter.
Just remember a large is three squirts,
a medium two squirts...
- Thanks.
- You're welcome. Next, please.
Thank you. Enjoy the show.
Thank you. Enjoy the show.
Mandy Patinkin?
Mandy... Mandy Patinkin?
Mandy Patinkin.
Mandy Patinkin.
Stop it, Arnie.
No, you stop telling me how great I am
and you tell me where my fuckin' script is.
You do not wanna
eat lunch off my ass.
You wanna eat lunch off my ass?
I thought you were kosher.
Arnie, I'll make you a deal.
You deliver that script, and lunch is on me,
you Lebanese piece of shit.
Love to Bernice and the baby.
Roger!Roger! Can you get me my back brace
and my banjo, please?
I'm a big fan of law enforcement.
I used to date the black guy
on Hill Street Blues.
So you're going undercover
- as a Hollywood producer.
- Yes.
Are you doing features
or TV or MOWs? What?
- Movies.
- Movies. God, I love the movies.
After I was stabbed
by my personal trainer in
I was terrified to leave my house.
And then, one day,
I went to the movies!
Oh, God,
and I never came home.
The movies saved my life.
I'm even back with that trainer now,
which is really remarkable.
Roger! Excuse me. I'm sorry.Roger?
Never hire a diabetic.
What exactly does a producer do?
- Well, where's your script?
- Script? I don't have a...
You don't have a script?
No.
Roger! I'm sorry.Camille, can you get fuckin' Roger!
You know what? I'm sorry.
I've got a . and...
Well, can you help me find a script?
This is Hollywood. Just go outside and
ask anyone you see to give you a script.
A gardener, a cripple, a child molester.
They've all got 'em.
You just gotta find one.
Roger? Do I need to give you your shot?
My deepest condolences, sir.
Here's your ticket.
The script is called Arizona.
It's the true story of a young woman's
spiritual journey through the desert
as she battles cancer and searches for
the spirit caves of the Hopi Indians.
I... actually have a script with me.
If you had time, maybe after shivah,
you might want to...
So tell me about your script.
OK. It's a romantic comedy.
It's about this couple...
They find the guy, they find
the head of the organisation,
- like, on a golf course.
- Right. Or a river.
It's the true story of a young woman's
spiritual journey through the desert
as she battles cancer while searching for
the spirit caves of the Hopi Indians.
I've already got a cancer movie.
- What kind?
- Brain.
Brain? Brain's been done to death.
This is breast.
I have Meg Tilly attached,
and Meg Tilly likes brain.
The rest of the time he's got no head.
He's got, like, seven hours
to find a new head,
but he's fucked up
because he has no head.
It's about fallen angels.
There is a group...
They're not evil, but they were supposed to
watch over humanity to protect us.
So that's basically it.
It's a road picture. It's a love story.
It's a tear-jerker.
OK, but here's the kicker.
It's an election day.
And he can't vote
because he's got no head.
Hey.
The Jacuzzi.
She threw herself into the Jacuzzi.
Val, put the dog down.
I was trying to nap before my audition,
and I know this is the dog that barked.
You little fuck!
Honey, you're gonna get this commercial,
I know it. You love Raisin Bran.
I'm not going on the audition, Steven.
I'm finished.
- Put the Pomeranian down.
- I know it's gonna keep on barking.
- I know it's gonna keep on barking.
- No, it's not.
It's not gonna keep on barking,
because you're gonna give me the dog
and I'm gonna take it out of here right now.
It's OK. You can do it.
What are you?
Some kind of Good Samaritan?
No.
I'm a Hollywood producer.
Oh, sweetheart, it's OK.
It's all right.
No, honey. It's gonna be OK.
Movies and TV,
or just movies or...
Oh, honey.
I'm Steven... Schats.
Steven Sch... Oh, honey.
Who's Steven Schats?
He's done quite a bit of directing
in the Los Angeles theatre.
He won the Goldstein Award for
Debbie Does Shabbat at Temple Judaica.
Billy Crystal is a member
of that congregation.
Is Billy Crystal
going to be in the movie?
- No. Because there is no movie.
- Then why do you need a director?
I need a director in order to sell the movie
to Tommy Sanz.
But you said there is no movie.
I'm not really making a movie, sir.
I'm just producing one.
We... really don't give a shit.
Just tell us the play.
The screenplay is entitled Arizona.
It's the inspiring true story
of a dying young woman
as she travels through the desert in search
of herself and the Hopi Indian spirit caves.
What kind of movie is that?
It's a tear-jerker, sir.
She... dies in the end.
From dehydration?
Don't come down here...
Lonnie.
Steven. What are you doing here?
Lonnie, get dressed.
I have a meeting in one hour.
It's a lunch with a producer
who read my script over the weekend,
- and he liked it.
- Of course he did. It's brilliant.
He asked me if I was
bringing representation.
I didn't wanna look like a schmuck,
so I told him I had an agent.
You want me to go with you?
You know, I don't drive any more.
You don't have to drive. I'll drive.
Just put on some clothes. Get dressed.
We've got a lunch.
We've got a lunch.
Don't touch the mail if it comes.
Ever. Don't.
Lonnie. Lonnie, just go get dressed.
Go get dressed.
Relax, Steven. It's just a lunch.
Where's the meeting?
- Musso & Frank's.
- You're in luck.
I got a blow job
at Musso & Frank's.
No, no, no. You listen to me,
you Lebanese piece of shit.
I'm the producer, I'm in charge,
this is my picture. You got me?
OK. My love to Bernice.
- I'm so sorry.
- I'm sorry we're late, Mr Diamond.
This is Lonnie Bosco
of Bosco and Sugarman.
Pleasure.
Steven, let me just say that
I read the screenplay for Arizona...
and I absolutely loved it.
My wife Sasha died recently,
so the story really hit close to home.
- What kind of cancer did she have?
- She drowned in a Jacuzzi.
The dentists from Boston that I represent,
they loved the movie as well.
I know, the script needs a lot of work.
We're prepared to make a deal
for you to direct the movie.
You wanna make a deal for me to...
But I'm...
We wanna move forward right away.
Do you think you could make the movie
for, say, a million dollars?
Steven wants final cut.
- No. No, Lonnie, I don't need final cut.
- Final cut. That's no problem.
- Casting approval?
- Yes. He's the director.
He wants ten per cent of...
first dollar gross points.
Yes. OK, ten per cent.
You're saying yes?
You want me to direct Arizona?
You really... You want me to do that?
I'm not saying yes.
I'm saying, "Hell, yes. "
He's saying, "Yes. Hell, yes,"
at Musso & Frank's.
There's only one question I have.
The cover of the screenplay
says it's written by Steven Schats
- and Marshal Paris?
- Yes. Marshal Paris. He's my brother.
Paris is his pen name.
We wrote the story about our sister.
She's the dead lady.
Well, before we make any deals,
I'm gonna wanna secure all the rights,
get some signatures.
Oh, well, that's impossible.
Marshal went home.
You'll just have to go home
one more time, Steven.
- No. No, no.
- Home...
to the Ponderosa.
The Ponderosa.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the Cartwrights.
Adam, Hoss, Little Joe,
and Ben Cartwright!
Run for cover, folks. It seems
the Snake Eye Gang has robbed the bank.
It's over, Snake Eyes. Drop the gold.
We don't want no more killing here.
It's got nothing to do
with your boys, Cartwright.
Let's just settle this. You and me.
The gift shop
will be open till pm.
The bathrooms are out of order.
Marshal?
We're closing.
- Where's Dad?
- Ben Cartwright gets off at . .
He's the star of the show.
What are you doing here?
We did it, Marshal.
We're making Arizona.
Charlotte's story will be told.
That's impossible. I haven't shown
anyone that script in two years.
Look at this. You see this?
It's a contract from a producer.
- He wants you to sign a release.
- It's not for sale.
We're gonna split $ .
This is real, Steven. This is my life.
I am a person with an identity now,
not some Hollywood flunky spending
his entire life waiting to have lunch.
I want you to sign this release.
I want you to understand
what this means to me,
that I've spent my whole life
waiting to yell "Action" and "Cut"
for the first time.
I used to believe you when you said
we'd have matching black Corvettes,
that one day we'd get to walk up the red
carpet and get interviewed by Mary Hart.
- I really thought it was true.
- It is true, all of it.
It's just ten years late.
I'm sorry, Steven. I'll never sign.
And you can tell Hollywood
she already had her chance.
I just need your signature
right here next to Marshal's.
Why does Steven have to sign a release,
Mr Diamond?
It's standard. I'm gonna sign a release,
the dentists in Virginia will sign a release.
Look at this guy.
He really thinks he's making a movie.
We fucked up, Ray. There's
a big plumbing outfit here in LA.
- Joe Diamond Plumbing.
- Shit.
We have to change his name.
I don't know what to say.
Is this really happening?
- This is it, Steven.
- Thank you, Mr Diamond.
Steven, you've got yourself
a green light.
Looks like he made itLooks like Steven's on the way
to a better lifeLooks like he made itSteven Schats is on the way
to a better lifeLooks like he made it
Steven, come on up.
OK. OK, great.
Well, I just wanna thank all of you
for being here.
And I wanna tell you that all of you
are going to be working on this movie.
And I wanna thank one man for that.
I wanna...
The man who made this all possible.
The man who came into my life
and gave me the gift of a green light.
He made all my dreams come true.
He's the producer of Arizona.
Mr Joe Diamond!
Come on, get happy
Yeah. Yeah, Joe Diamond.
A whole lot of talent
is what he'll be bringin'To make you happy- Thank you.
- He had a dream...
Steven, my name isn't Diamond.
It's Wells.
Wells? I thought it was Diamond.
No. Joe Wells. That's my name.
- But you said it was Diamond.
- No, it's Wells.
It's always been Wells.
It's a common mistake.
He'll make you happy
Look at them all.
I thought you might wanna be here
when I picked one out.
How do you know which one to get?
And... action.
Action.
Action.
Cut it. That's lunch, people.
Moving on.
Very quiet, please.
Director on set.
Something wrong?
I know what the first shot
is going to be.
A wide shot looking across
the desert floor.
Nothing can be seen for miles.
Then we slowly push in.
An image appears...
in the distance,
limping toward us.
Charlotte. An angel walking on water.
Only the water is burning sand,
and the angel is dying.
I've had that shot in my head
for a long time.
Thank you, Joe.
Listen, Steven, what do you think about
doing the picture in New England?
I don't understand.
Do you think you could make it work in,
let's say, Rhode Island?
The dentists and I have made a very sweet
deal with the film commission there,
and they're gonna roll out
the red carpet for us.
But the movie is called Arizona.
It's always taken place in Arizona.
There are scenes
inside the Grand Canyon.
Well, but the guts of the story
wouldn't have to change.
What about the Hopi Indians?
Yeah, but do you realise how many Indians
wound up settling in Rhode Island?
Take it from me.
I've been to both places
and the similarities would astound you.
Do that again.
We're calling this Operation Dramex.
At this time, I would like
to introduce Fanny Nash,
the producer of the hit comedy
No Means No,
to discuss proper
Hollywood protocol.
I am over years old.
I am physically unable to bear children.
And I pay alimony to my ex-husband,
who is a faggot.
Yet I am willing to bet
that all of you would fuck me
over that desk right now
if you knew you'd be having lunch
with Harrison Ford
as soon as you blew your wad.
If you wanna carry yourself
like you're in the movie business,
you need to act like
the big dog - Clifford -
and remember that
everyone in the entire world
is desperate to play with
your big red balls.
I can see clearly now,
the rain has gone
I love you all.
I'll see you on the set.
...obstacles in my way...
It may have taken ten years,
but Papillon has jumped from the cliff,
and he's swimming to the shore!
...sun-shiny day
Break a leg, Steven.
It's gonna be a bright,
bright sun-shiny dayWe're expecting
a smooth flight into Rhode Island,
so please sit back, relax
and enjoy the flight.
So how old was she?
Who?
Your wife, when she died.
If you don't wanna talk about it,
I understand.
Sasha was my age.
Was she in the business?
Now, why would I marry a whore?
A whore?
No, no, the business.
The movie business.
Oh, right, the movie business.
Yes, she was. Yes.
- What did Sasha do?
- Hair. She did hair.
Hair. Hair. That's great.
- So you met on the set?
- Yes, on the set.
What movie?
Jaws.Jaws?Your wife did the hair on Jaws?
- That's one of my favourite movies.
- Mine, too.
Did it bother her
that Quint always wore a hat?
Well, they had some words, yeah.
That is so ironic.
She worked on Jaws,
and then she drowns in a Jacuzzi.
I never really thought of it
that way before.
The rest of your family...
are they in the movie business?
Well, I have one brother.
He's a doctor, a surgeon.
He was the smart one.
You know, top of his class.
I was never much of a student.
In the sixth grade
I was struck by lightning.
Lightning?
I was standing in the playground
with a metal lunchbox.
Suddenly I saw this light,
the brightest light you can imagine.
The next thing I knew, I was...
I was inside of the light...
I was part of the light.
Fuck.
Feel the top of my head.
Go ahead.
- Do you feel that?
- Yeah.
You know what that is?
That's one in a million.
Steven, this is Troy Haines from
the Rhode Island Film Commission.
Hey, welcome to Providence,
Mr Schats,
the Arizona of the East.
And this is
the Woonasquatucket River,
which used to be known as the
Moshassuck Dam before the floods of '
and was seen over the credits of
the situation comedy Doctor, Doctor.Joe, I have to be honest. This doesn't
resemble the Colorado River at all.
Look at all that cement.
And there's way too many cars.
That's a snack bar?
Tony Roma's?
What if we were to shoot
the skinny-dipping scene at night?
I don't know how Rick would see
Charlotte's birthmark.
What about the ducks?
Don't worry about the fuckin' ducks.
I'll take care of them.
This is the second-largest
landfill in New England,
shot by director Miles O'Kief
in the climactic scene
of his film Nora Declares War.
Back then it was a park,
now it's the Grand Canyon.
Just picture some burros,
some tourists in some loud T-shirts.
The trucks are a sound problem.
I think there's too many seagulls.
Well, they mainly feed in the mornings.
No different than the buzzards of Sedona.
Garage -
the Hopi Indian spirit cave.
How am I supposed to get Indians
in there dancing around the fire?
Well, we're gonna have to...
you know, force 'em in.
Steven...
Steven...
Joe, what are we gonna do?
Most of the locations are shit.
No cactus. There's no desert.
You have to call the dentists.
Maybe you could change the script
just a little.
Change the script? Change...
Joe... Joe, this script is...
You can't just change the...
A cactus is a cactus.
I have an obligation to Charlotte.
I don't have a cactus,
I don't have any thorns.
I don't have any thorns,
no torn dress.
No torn dress,
no birthmark on the ass.
No birthmark, no skinny-dipping
with Rick and Charlotteon the mighty Colorado River!
No skinny-dipping,
no water snake.
No water snake,
no Chlamydia scare.
No Chlamydia scare,
no doctor...
Well, let me take care of all that.
I'm the producer, OK?
I don't think I can make this work here.
Hey, do me a favour.
Come with me.
I wanna show you something.
Come on.
Mr Schats, welcome
to the Providence Biltmore.
This is your key
to the Eisenhower Suite.
This is your suite.
Welcome, sir.
Maybe it doesn't have to be cactus.
- Tommy, where you goin'?
- Wally's. They're havin' a meetin'.
- With who?
- Hollywood.
Mr Kamin, Steven here
is one of the most sought-after
commercial directors in Hollywood.
Last year he was nominated for
a Clio Award over in East Germany.
The commercial was for a new work boot
called the Verspatten.
I can assure you, the Teamsters
will support your project per cent.
See, Mr Kamin, that's the thing. We were
hoping to do this picture non-union.
You know. No Teamsters, no minimums.
That gonna be a problem?
Let me make this as clear
as I possibly can.
There is no way you are going
to produce a film in my town
without a full load of union trucks
and union drivers surrounding your set.
You try and make a movie here
without our trucks,
and I'll shut you motherfuckers down
before lunch.
Excuse me.
Can I help you with something?
I hear you're having trouble
with the Teamsters.
I know somebody that can help.
Look at this.
They say American football
don't compare to rugby.
Last night, a player was kicked out
for shoving his index finger up another
guy's ass at the bottom of the pile.
Tommy, this is Joe Wells,
movie producer.
- It's a pleasure, Mister...
- You know what I hate, Mr Wells?
Poor sportsmanship.
I see you're lookin' at my face.
My wife set me on fire
while I was sleepin'.
She doused me with lighter fluid
and lit a match.
Six months later,
our marriage fell apart.
She's very beautiful.
Thank you.
I'd promised her Manhattan,
Las Vegas, Chicago.
But it wasn't happening for me.
Thanks to her,
the company sends me to Providence.
Tommy, he brought the money.
- All of it?
- Eight thousand.
We'd like you to take care
of this thing, Mr Sanz.
- We don't want any trouble with the union.
- It's done.
Congratulations.
You just made a deal
with the Teamsters.
That's it. Sanz took the bribe.
Let's move.
Wait, wait.
Devine hasn't given a signal.
Let me ask you something, Mr Wells.
How hard is it to get into
the movie business?
Hi, Steven.
Val. What are you doing here?
- Why are you limping?
- Charlotte was bitten by a water snake.
I jammed a fork into my thigh
to create a sense memory.
Oh, Steven, Steven...
Tell me I'm gonna play Charlotte.
Tell me I have the part.
Tell me it was all worth it.
Well... It's...
That's complicated.
I do have casting approval, though.
We heard the tape.
He took the bribe.
That's racketeering,
conspiracy to manipulate the union.
Abe, you saw how easy this one was.
We can go after bigger fish now.
Joe, it took three dogs
to find your finger in Houston.
You know what you're gonna lose,
you start messing with the bigger fish
in Rhode Island?
It's over.
Abe, just give me one more week
here in Providence.
- No.
- Let me just cast the movie.
That's all I'm asking.
Yeah. Cast the movie.
You said there was no movie.
Tommy Sanz is already on the line.
We can always reel him in.
- Let's see who else we can hook.
- Cast the movie?
You mean really cast it
or pretend to cast it?
Steven, this is Monica Montebello.
She'll be reading the role of
Charlotte's oncologist, Dr Gayle Reeves.
- Hi. How are you?
- Hello.
- Thank you.
- I need a moment, please.
Should I get the stethoscope?
You think she should audition
with the stethoscope?
Look at the shot I'm getting.
What are you doing?
You're shooting her tits.
What choice do I have?
You think it would be OK if I asked Joe
if I could shoot the movie?
- What are you talking about?
- I wanna be the cinematographer.
Steven. Steven.
Emily French is here.
She just drove up in a limo.
She wants to read for Charlotte.
Emily French?
She's been nominated.
She must think this is a big movie.
Maybe it is a big movie.
Emily French.
Oh, she's fantastic. She was nominated.
Oh, what's the name
of that movie she was in?
- She's a blackjack dealer.
- I don't think I saw it.
- I didn't see it, either.
- No, you saw it.
Eric Roberts does her on the pool table.
She's got silver-dollar nipples.
Oh, yeah. I saw that on Cinemax.
Oh, man, she's good.
- I remember that one.
- Yeah. What was the name of that thing?
Emily. Emily French.
- Hi, I'm...
- Don't look at me.
I just had a facial
and my skin looks disgusting.
No, it looks great.
- Really great.
- Really great.
I'm sorry I just turned up like this,
but I got hold of the script
and decided to fight the good fight
for this one.
Do you mind if I do the suicide scene?
OK.
I might use this chair
as my spirit cave.
It's really good, actually.
- Could you get me a water?
- Yeah, sure. Absolutely.
- And would you mind getting the lights?
- Yes, ma'am.
Women in Hollywood,
they are beautiful.
You should see the women in the navy.
- The navy?
- They're nice.
Would you switch, actually?
Yeah.
I can't even write my own name.
I guess this means it's almost over.
I can't... keep my hand on the page.
Where were you when I needed you?
Do you knowWhere you're going to?Do you like the things
that life is showing you?
In a moment I'm gonna die.
I wish I could live to see that.
She's a very good actress.
After my nomination, I just... freaked out.
Turned everything down that they sent.
Then I had a late-term abortion,
went into deep depression,
got really into coke,
moved to Florida for a year
and made a bunch of B-movies
for my Euro trash boyfriend,
who wrote and directed and made sure
I got my tits out in every other scene.
The truth is,
I was blackballed in Hollywood
because the great Jed Walker
claimed that the baby was his,
that I had murdered his baby
in the fifth month,
which, if you had seen it,
it clearly was not.
But Hollywood wasn't calling,
so my assistant and I checked ourselves
into rehab in New Mexico
and... started working with clay,
building miniature adobe structures.
Yeah, I've still got a condo there,
but I've decided to start acting again,
and that's why I was in New York
doing that horrible little play in the buff.
Steven, when my African-American agent
sent me a copy of Arizona...
I cried all night...
because I was born to play Charlotte.
I tried to kill myself...
twice.
Once in the bathtub and...
once in Switzerland.
Miss French,
we're prepared to offer you the role
of Charlotte right here and now.
- Wait. But Valerie...
- Could I have your autograph?
Joe, I have casting approval.
It's in my contract.
What the fuck is your name?
Steven, we have a chance to do something
right now that could change our lives.
For the first time, I've seen the movie
in my mind, I feel it in my gut.
As your producer,
I'm asking you not to mess this up.
There you go. Why don't you
go and ruin somebody else's dinner?
- OK.
- OK.
- We have a limited budget.
- Are you kidding?
I don't need the money.
I'll be your slave.
I'll wash your shorts.
I'll clip your toenails.
Give me that glass.
I have not failed a drug test
in six months.
Thank you.
Ahem. Miss French, what are you doing?
Peeing in a cup.
There you go.
I'll pee in a cup every day.
Twice a day.
The fucking insurance people can have
all the hot, steaming piss they want.
So, tell me about yourselves.
I want to go into business with you, Joe,
start producing movies all over the country.
I got contacts - Philadelphia,
Jersey, Chicago, New York.
I middle the deals with the Teamsters,
you produce the movies.
I'm talking about a - partnership.
These are movies we're talking about here.
There is risk.
You can't put guns to people's heads
and make 'em go to the movies.
If you say so. Anyway, that's why
it's your job to make good movies.
- Do you think you could do that?
- Yeah. I'm a producer. That's what I do.
Good, cos this is what I will do.
Are you insane? It's in Variety, Joe.
There's an article in Variety.
That was planted by Emily French's
publicist, and it's exactly what we needed.
We can't have articles
about famous actresses
starring in our undercover operation.
We're not even supposed to tell
our wives about these things.
Sanz is a partner,
which means they're all partners.
I'm telling you,
we've gotta make this movie now.
I can produce Arizona for $ million,
sell off the foreign and video rights
for twice that much,
presell network and cable
because of Emily French.
And if this movie turns out
the way that I know it will,
I believe we can get
an American distribution deal,
which could mean millions more.
You guys have got to trust me.
Two years from now,
the heads of the Rhode Island family
will be in federal prison
watching the movie
that put them away on HBO.
Abe, you'd better read the script.
- Don't hurt him! He's my baby!
- Val, put the dog down.
What do you think, Steven?
You can just send me away?
You can just send me back to the Valley?
No, no. Charlotte was mine.
- Val, it's Emily French.
- I was supposed to be Charlotte.
She's had breast-reduction surgery.
She understands
the mind-set of mastectomy.
I'm going home, Steven, to do porno.
I'm going home to the Valley.
Please...
I'm gonna go home, Steven.
That's right. I'm serious.
Because of you, I'm gonna
get gangbanged, Steven.
Gangbanged in Woodland Hills.
A lot of great actresses
started out in porn.
I'm gonna break this dog's neck.
Don't.
Listen, what if you played
Dr Gayle Reeves?
The oncologist?
I can't believe it.
I'm the richest man in town.
You know why?
Because I have friends.
- Let's make a movie.
- Let's do it.
Yeah!
"The following screenplay
is the property
of the United States Government. "
"Fade in - Arizona - day. "
"A wide shot across the desert floor. "
"Charlotte is an angel
walking across the water. "
I'm leaning toward this one
with the white nose.
Looks like he might be named Thunder.
His name's Frosty.
What if we called him Thunder?
That's his name in the script.
Would he still trot for us?
He's a donkey. He trots
when you hit him with a stick.
Jesus! Look at the cock
on this one, Steven.
I want riding lessons immediately.
We're in The Hollywood Reporter.
Look at this.
Both our names are mentioned.
Steven, you just got
a telegram from Pat Morita.
He's read half the script, and he thinks
he wants to play the part of Rick.
I'm calling his agents.
This is perfect. I've always pictured Rick
as a middle-aged Asian.
If we get Morita,
we can have anybody we want for
Old Man Larreby and Chief Black Bear.
Joe, I want soaring music
over the reptile house montage.
I think we should go after
Randy Newman to do the score.Who's Randy Newman?He wrote the score to The Natural.
Randy Newman.
"I Love LA"? "Short People"?
Short people gotNo reasonShort people gotNo reason- Short people got
- No reason to live- They got little hands
- HandsLittle feetThey drive little cars
that go beep, beep, beepWell, I don't want no short peopleDon't want no short people round here...
What the fuck's wrong with Joe?
Abe, why don't we start
with our general comments?
"While we love the emotional journey
that Charlotte takes in this script,
we feel there are things that could
make this story more accessible
to a general audience. "
"Number one:
A high-speed motorcycle chase. "
I really think we need
to discuss the burro first.
Right.
The burro is a big problem
in Washington.
Well, I've already booked the burro.
As we read it, Charlotte frees the old burro
at the bottom of the Grand Canyon.
Yeah, she knows she's dying,
so she frees the burro.
If she liberates the burro back into the wild,
he's gonna die.
Guys, Steven loves the burro.
Joe, we suggest she free some other
type of animal. Maybe a large bird.
She could come across an injured bird
on the side of the road.
Maybe an eagle.
She could mend its wing
and then set it free.
The American bald eagle's
an emotional symbol in this country,
and they're endangered.
She's on foot,
so why is she walking around
carrying a large eagle?
If she had a motorcycle,
she wouldn't be on foot.
I heard you're cutting the burro scene.
- Why wasn't I called?
- We didn't think it would matter to you.
You didn't think it would matter to me.
They didn't think it would matter to me.
You didn't think it would matter to me.
I'm the executive producer
of this film.
I have business cards printed.
It fuckin' matters!
Tommy, the dentists in Boston
believe that the old burro
would die in the wild.
That old burro's gonna die anyway.
It's tired and sickly.
You tell the dentists that Charlotte
is giving it some fuckin' dignity.
We're leaning toward
another animal now.
Like a horse?
Eagle.
Yeah. That'll work.
She's gonna ride an eagle
down to the floor of the Grand Canyon.
Is this a fuckin' Disney movie?
No, no, no. She's gonna find it
by the side of the road.
It's gonna have a broken wing.
Who the fuck broke it?
Production. Can you hold, please?
Production.
No, Mr Schats is in a meeting.
All right. I'll transfer you.
Production.
No, Mr Schats is in Wardrobe.
He can't come to the phone.
Ta-da! Look at this.
That's it, Emily.
That's the suicide dress.
This will be the last image of Charlotte
as she jumps from the mouth of the cave.
Actually, I wanted to talk
to you guys about that.
About what?
The end of the picture,
the dreaded third act.
I know what you're gonna say.
We don't need the cremation montage.
- It's redundant.
- No, I'm talking about Charlotte's death.
It seems so bloody pointless
to just kill her off like that.
What if she lived?
Lived?
Lived? Oh, no, that's impossible.
This movie is a runaway train
heading towards Charlotte's death.
I've always felt that dying
inspired her to live,
which is why she tries sushi
for the first time in Flagstaff.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, OK.
OK, yeah, I get it.
Yeah, it was just a thought.
I won't bring it up again.
I am so starving.
Anybody want to get a pizza?
Hey. You coming downstairs?
Emily's waiting at the bar.
I stole all the little shampoos.
Little conditioner, little soaps.
Even the shower cap.
I stole them from the hotel,
put them inside my suitcase.
What are you talking about?
Two years ago, I rented a chicken suit.
I stood outside the William Morris Agency
and tried to hand out copies of my script.
They sent two boys from the mailroom
to beat me up.
Well, hey. All that's behind you now.
What if you're wrong?
What if I've waited all this time,
and I can't do it?
Have you ever seen a man die?
I'm not sure I understand the question.
No, have you actually seen a person die,
watched them bleed to death,
seen them take their last breath?
I've seen that... many times.
Why have you seen that?
I used to produce music videos.
And when people are close to death,
when they're lying on the floor
staring up at those lights,
they all have the same
expressions on their faces.
No matter who they are, people are
basically afraid of the unknown.
But you don't have to be afraid.
You can put the shampoo bottles
and the soaps back in the bathroom,
because you're gonna make
a great movie.
We're gonna make
a great movie.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Hey, Joe?
I put a little start-up gift in your room.
Just something to say thank you.
- I didn't get you anything.
- Didn't get me anything?
You got me to Providence.
Get some rest.
Joe, the Federal Bureau of Investigation
is prepared to offer you
a three-picture deal.
You are kidding me.
We'd like to start production on movies
in Philadelphia, New Jersey
and New York City.
Any questions?
I want merchandising.
- What's merchandising?
- Toys.
Go fuck yourself.
Here is the key
to the city of Providence.
Arizona of the East.
The good people of Providence
have one thing to say:
"Break a leg. "
Hello, everybody.
I'm Steven Schats, director.
This is Joe Wells, our producer.
I'd like to just welcome everybody
to the cast and crew read-through,
the first one of Arizona.
We start shooting in three days,
and before we begin,
I'd like to go around the table
and have everyone introduce yourself.
Oh... Pat Morita, playing Rick.
Hey, what about this? Do we want to
see the cancer leave her body?
That could work. That could work.
That could work.
How would we do that?
Emily French, Charlotte.
Clarence Smith, cinematographer.
What if he said,
"Put you in remission"?
I like it.
Russell Means, Chief Black Bear.
It's actually not Chief Black Bear
any more. That didn't clear.
You're gonna have to be called
Chief Black Hawk.
Oh, shit.
Hope I can handle that.
Valerie Weston -
Dr Gayle Reeves, oncologist.
Lonnie?
This is my agent, Lonnie.
I guess the trip
must have tired him out.
Lonnie.
Lonnie!
I'll be dedicating this film to my late agent
and dear friend, Lonnie Bosco.
I wrote a short poem for Lonnie
entitled "Your Arm's Too Short
to Box with Moses".
Mr Wells.
I've got some good news.
There's someone flying in from New York
tomorrow for the first day of shootin'.
Someone very important to me.
This person is head of my family, Joe,
and he wants to get into the business.
He's talking about John Gotti.
I want everyone to stay on their toes.
- Gotti's coming to Providence.
- Make a good impression.
OK, Joe?
So don't fuck it up.
No, you got toPick 'em up just to say helloWell, I don't want
no short people nowRemission?
You put her in remission?
Marshal.
You thought you could just take it,
didn't you? You thought I'd never find out.
Is that your gun from the show?
Even prop guns fired at close range
can damage an eardrum.
You wanna be deaf?
- What do you want, Marshal?
- I want what you promised me!
I want to walk up the red carpet.
I want my name on a poster.
I wanna be invited back to my high school
to speak at career day.
You want a drink?
Come on, Marshal.
Why did Dad have to
look like Lorne Greene?
Why did he have to be the star?
Take it easy, Marshal.
He means well.
He shoots me three times a day
in the centre of town.
My own father guns me down
like an animal.
Well, then walk away.
Marshal, you're a great writer.
Bullshit. I'm a fake.
And so are you.
And I'm not gonna let you
get away with it.
- What are you talking about?
- I'm talking about Charlotte.
Marshal, I'm warning you.
I'm warning you.
We have a sister named Charlotte.
We have a sister. Say it.
- We have a sister named Charlotte.
- No.
- Say it.
- We made it all up.
We never had a sister, Steven.
There is no Charlotte.
We took the name from Charlotte's Web,
Mom's favourite book.
We had a sister.
- We had a sister, you son of a...
- We did not have a fucking...
...bitch.
... sister.
- We did.
- We didn't have a fuckin' sister.
She ate peyote with the Hopi Indians.
My entire crew is planning on wearing
black armbands in memory of her.
Why couldn't you just throw the script away
like everyone else?
This is my big chance, Marshal.
If Wells finds out about...
If the dentists find out the truth...
If you ruin this for me,
I swear to God...
You can't win, Steven.
They will crucify you.
The Providence Cancer Society
had a dinner honouring me tonight.
They flew in Fred Willard to emcee.
They had a scholarship
named after her for summer camp.
Don't you get it?
They love Charlotte.
They need her.
The fact that we made it up...
it means nothing.
You'll never get away with it, Steven.
You can't fool Hollywood.
They can smell a fake a mile away.
I'm not a fake.
I'm a director.
One in a million, huh?
One in a million.
The director is on set.
Repeat: The director is on set.
Half-hour, Miss French.
Anyone bring film?
Very quiet, please.
Director on set.
They grab Ugarte, then she walks in.
Well, that's the way it goes.
One in, one out.
I'm gonna ask Joe
to work on his next movie.
Props.
I'm not carrying anybody's chairs.
Who cares what we do as long as
we get the fuck out of this van?
The lion has landed.
The circus has come to town.
He passed checkpoint Bravo.
All right, ten minutes to showtime.
Ten-minute warning, people!
We've got ten minutes!
The tarantula should break for lunch.
Hello, Joe.
- Jack.
- We need to talk.
We should not be doing this,
Mrs Traviano.
- Tommy, we're late.
- I just wanna see this part.
As your lawyer, I want to advise you...
You're not my lawyer, Mr Vaughn.
You're a paralegal.
This Emily French...
she's a revelation.
- FBI!
- Stop right there.
Get down on your knees.
Get down. Get down.
To the ground!
To the ground right now!
Hands behind your back.
So what are you doing here?
Gotti's gonna be here any minute.
I've got some very good news for you.
We arrested Gotti this morning
at the Ravenite Club in New Jersey.
- I don't understand.
- We had a bug up his ass.
Got him on tape talking
about the Castellano hit.
He's gonna be goin' away
for a very long time.
No, no, no, no, no. You're wrong.
Gotti's in Providence.
He's coming here.
The man who is coming here
today is Victor Sanz.
He's Tommy Sanz's -year-old father.
We arrested Sanz a few minutes ago
at his house.
If the play is in New Jersey, then why are
there five cover teams here in Providence?
Because I've been using
Operation Dramex as a decoy.
Decoy?
Nobody knew, Joseph.
Not even the other agents.
Joseph.
Joseph, don't be mad about this.
I was trying to nail John Gotti.
You helped me do that.
What about the movie?
We're the FBI. We don't make movies.
I want you to go down there
and I want you to shut it down.
We're about to shoot the first scene.
We're gonna get the very first shot.
Right now.
Shut it down and get these freaks
on the next plane back to LA.
Jack, we can make movies
all over the country
and then we can nail
the rest of these bosses.
- Shut it down right now!
- I can't do that.
I'm tellin' you,
shut it down or I'll do it myself.
You're fuckin' yourself.
- This is Jack Devine.
- We're not gonna pull the plug just yet.
- Listen to me. Just listen to me.
- What are you doing?
We're gonna get the first shot,
- and it's gonna be a beautiful shot...
- Put that gun away!
Put that gun down!
Wide angle across the desert floor.
Nothing can be seen for miles.
We pan left.
Suddenly an image appears,
a mirage limping toward us in the distance.
Charlotte is an angel
walking across the water,
except the water is sand
and the angel is dying.
- She's dying?
- Yes.
- She's limping across?
- It's Charlotte!
She's walking...
The angel's dying...
Oh, Joseph, you've always wanted this
so bad, haven't you?
You want it so bad,
and now you just fucked it all up.
Stop it. Put the gun down.
Put it down.
Steven is gonna make a beautiful film.
We can do this...
I don't give a fuck
about Steven and his movie.
I'm shutting this down.
Miss French is coming
out of Make-up right now.
- Roll it.
- Quiet, people. We're rolling.Arizona, scene one, take one.Arizona, scene one, take one.
And... action.
It's over, Snake Eyes.
Drop the gold.
We don't need no more killin' here.
This got nothin' to do with your boys,
Cartwright.
Let's just finish this. You and me.
What are you doing? Marshal!
You're dead!
Marshal.
Marshal.
This is Director Devine.
This is Director Devine.
Shut it down. Shut it down.
Cut it!
Cut. That was great, Emily.
We'll go again. Great. Great job.
- That's great.
- Going again.
Oh, my God!
Steven, what the fuck?
Joe!
Oh, my God!
It's the fucking paparazzi!
You people have got to learn to
leave me alone! I'm just a normal person!
Joe, what's happening?
Who are they?
- Dentists.
- What?
Joe!
Joe, don't leave. Tell them it's OK.
Tell them. You're a producer.
The star, producer
and director of Leaving Arizona
has just pulled to the front of the theatre.
It's an amazing directorial debut
from a tremendous talent
who was the toast of Sundance this year.
- Emily!
- Here she is. Emily French.
Leaving Arizona is the story
of the making of another movie, Arizona,
which was, in fact,
an elaborate FBI sting operation.
So, Emily, how does it feel?
Oh, you know, this film
was such a labour of love for me,
and it was a very difficult journey
that I took -
a journey that almost got me killed
by FBI agents and gangsters.
But I knew as soon as I read this script
that it would make a fantastic film.
Good night!
Thank you. Enjoy the show.
Thank you. Enjoy the show.
Hope you enjoyed the show.
- Good night, Mr Schats.
- Good night, Dustin. Take care.
All right.
Hello, Steven.
My wife didn't drown in a Jacuzzi.
Sasha was my dog's name,
and she killed herself
because I was never home.
My real name is Joe Devine.
Yeah, I know who you are.
I saw the movie.
And, by the way, I thought
Tom Berenger captured you beautifully.
They made my character afraid of heights.
I could never quite understand that.
Yeah, well, here's something
I don't understand, Agent Devine.
Why me?
Why'd it have to be me?
I'm sorry.
Millions of people, and the United States
government takes down Steven Schats.
Well, why?
I'd like to know why.
Because you had no choice
but to believe me.
Go to hell, Joe.
I'd like to try to pay you back
some of that money.
- Please, stop lying to me.
- Well, hey, wait a minute.
What about your lies?
What about Charlotte?
Yeah, that's right.
Charlotte was a lie.
And I'm no director,
and you're not a producer.
But we almost pulled it off, didn't we?
We almost made it happen.
We almost had it all.
That stuff only happens in the movies.
Yeah, I know that.
Do you mind? I'm trying to close up.
I got something for you.
I spent my last day as an FBI agent
stealing this from the evidence room
in Washington.
It's yours.
I'll see you around, Steven.
You're not gonna believe this,
but I'm working on a script.
What's the script about?
About two FBI agents,
one good, one bad,
chasing down a million dollars' worth
of lost drug money
in Los Angeles
during the Olympics,
and here's the catch:
They're both Mormon.
Well, that's not such a bad idea.
Well, it needs work. Having some trouble
with the second act.
Yeah. Second acts are tough.
I could use a director.
Hey, Joe...
Wanna watch this together?
OK, Sam. Roll it, please.Arizona, scene one, take one.
And... action.
Live!
I want to live!
Oh, my God.
An American eagle?
That looked pretty good.
Yeah.
- I liked the pan.
- It seemed to work.
Wanna watch it again?
Would you play it again, Sam?
So, what's your movie called?
I don't have a title.
It's set in LA, so I thought
it should be Hollywood something.Hollywood Heat?Hollywood Cash?Hollywood Gold.
Hollywood Chase.Hollywood and Crime.
Hey, that's pretty good.
What time is your audition?
. .
Oh, good luck.
I know you're gonna get it.
You love Oreos.
I love you so much.