Voila! Finally, the The Lost Boys
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Jason Patric and
Kiefer Sutherland vampire movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of The Lost Boys. If you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
EXT. Boardwalk Night
Guard
I told you to stay off the boardwalk.
David
Okay, boys, let's go.
Guard
You, too, off the boardwalk.
EXT. Driving To Santa Carla
Sam
Keep going.
Mother
Hey, I liked that song.
Michael
Keep going, Mom.
Mother
How about this?
Michael
Hang on.
Radio voice
I don't see any boogeymen or nasty guys.
Michael
Keep going, Mom. You want to switch the band? Keep going!
Mother
Wait. That's from my era!
Mother
We're almost there!
Sam
What's that smell?
Mother
That's the ocean air.
Sam
Smells like someone died.
Mother
look, Guys, I know the last year hasn't been easy, but I
think you're really going to like living in Santa Carla.
EXT. Beach
Sam
Mom, there's an amusement park right on the beach.
Mother
Sam, tell those kids to get something to eat.
Michael
Any jobs around here?
A man
Nothing legal.
INT. Grandpa's house
Sam
Come on, Nanook.
Mother
Dad? Dad?
Michael
Looks like he's dead. No, he's just a deep sleeper.
Sam
If he's dead, can we go back to Phenix?
Grandpa
Playin' dead. And from what I heard, doin' a damn good job
of it, too.
Michael
This is a pretty cool place.
Sam
For the Texas Chain-Saw Massacre.
Michael
Come on, Sam, give Mom a break.
Sam
What's wrong with this picture? There's no TV. Have you
seen a TV? I haven't seen a TV, Mike. You know what it
means when there's no TV? NO MTV.
Michael
Sammy, we are flat broke.
Grandpa
Lucy, you're the only woman I ever knew who didn't improve
her situation by getting divorced.
Mother
I know. But a big legal war wasn't going to improve
anybody's situation. We've all been through enough. Anyway,
I was raised better than that.
Grandpa
Ouch. My hair.
Sam
Mom, you gotta help me.
Mother
Hey, guys, no running in the house!
Michael
Talk about the Texas Chain-Saw Massacre.
Grandpa
Rules! We've got some rules around here. Second shelf is
mine. That's where I keep my root beers and my double-thick
Oreo cookies. Nobody touches the second shelf but me.
There's another rule around here, and I want you to pay
close attention. Don't touch anything. Everything is
exactly where I want it.
Michael
Grandpa, is it true that Santa Carla's the murder capital
of the world?
Grandpa
There are some bad elements around here.
Sam
Wait a second, let me get this straight. You're telling me
we've moved to the murder capital of the world? Are you
serious, Grandpa?
Grandpa
Well, let me put it this way. If all the corpses buried
around here were to stand up all at once we'd have one hell
of a population problem.
Mother
Great, Dad.
Grandpa
Now, on Wednesdays when the mailman brings the TV Guide
sometimes the address label is curled up just a little.
You'll be tempted to tear it off. Don't. You'll only wind
up rippin' the cover and I don't like that. And stay outta
here.
Sam
Wait, you have a TV?
Grandpa
No. I just like to read the TV Guide. Read the TV Guide,
you don't need a TV.
EXT. Boardwalk
Mother
Let's ask in here. Excuse me, I wonder if you could help
us. This boy is lost and we're wondering if his mother
might be in here.
Max
I don't really know.
A boy's mother
I was so worried. Don't run off like that.
Max
There you are.
A boy
Thank you.
Mother
Bye, Terry.
Marco
We only some here to watch one thing.
Max
Well done.
Mother
No Thanks. Well, on second thought.
Max
I told you not to come in here anymore. Wild kids.
Mother
Oh they're just young. We were that age, too, once. Only
they dress better. Bye-bye.
Max
You have a generous nature. I like that in a person. My
name is Max.
Mother
I'm Lucy. Hello.
Max
That's my dog, Thorn.
Mother
Hi, Thorn.
Max
Say hello, Thorn. So how may I help you this evening? We
have it all. The best selection in Santa Carla.
Mother
No, I'm not looking for a tape. What I need is ..
Max
A job?
Mother
a job. Yeah. I look that needy, huh?
Sam
Where are we going?
Michael
Nowhere.
Sam
So What's our rush? You're chasing that girl, aren't you?
Come on, admit it. You're chasing her. I'm at the mercy of
your sex glands.
Michael
Don't you have something better to do than follow me around
all night?
Sam
Actually, I do.
INT. The comic book store
Sam
Got a problem guys?
Edgar
Just scoping your civilian wardrobe.
Sam
Pretty cool, huh?
Alan Frog
For a fashion victim.
Edgar
Listen budy, if you're looking for the diet frozen-yogurt
bar, it went out of business last summer.
Sam
Actually I 'm looking for Batman, no.14.
Edgar
That's a very serious book, man.
Alan Frog
Only five in existence.
Sam
Four, actually. I'm always lookin' out for the other three.
You can't put the Superman, no. 77 with the 200s. They
haven't even discovered red kryptonite yet. And you can't
put the no. 98 with the 300s. Lori Lemaris hasn't even been
introduced.
Edgar
Where the hell are you from? Krypton?
Sam
Phoenix, actually. But lucky me, we moved here.
Edgar
Take this.
Sam
I don't like horror comics.
Edgar
You'll like this one, Mr. Phoenix. It could save your life.
EXT. Boardwalk
Sam
(To Michael) Come on, she sifted ya.
EXT. In the car
A woman
What was that?
A man
What was what?
A woman
I thought I heard something.
A man
Forget it.
INT. Grandpa's garage
Grandpa
How do you like that baby?
Sam
It's a beauty.
Grandpa
Come on, let's get in.
Sam
Can I drive on the way back?
Grandpa
Fat chance. Nobady drives this baby, but me.
Grandpa
We have to let it warm up a little. Hear that sound? Just
like a baby pussycat.
Grandpa
Okay let's go to town. Are we having fun, or what?
Sam
I thought we were going to town.
Grandpa
That's as close to town as I like to get.
Sam
Total weirdo, man.
INT. The comic book store
Alan Frog
Noticed anything unusual about Santa Carla yet?
Sam
No, it's a pretty cool place. If you're a Martian. Or a
vampire.
Sam
Are you guys sniffing old newsprint or something?
Edgar
You think you really know what's happening here, don't you?
Well, I'll tell you something. You don't know shit buddy.
You think we just work in a comic bookstore for our folks,
huh?
Sam
Actually, I thought it was a bakery.
Edgar
This is just our cover. We are dedicated to a higher
purpose. We're fighters for Truth Justice, and the American
way.
Sam
All right.
Edgar
Read this.
Sam
I tlod you I don't like horror comics.
Alan Frog
Think of it more as a survival manual. There's our number
on the back and pray you never need to call us.
Sam
I'll pray I never need to call you. Sure.
EXT. Boardwalk
A woman
it look's great. Definitely. Enjoy it.
Michael
Thanks.
Michael
Excuse me.
Star
It's a rip-off. If you want your ear pierced, I'll do it.
Michael
What's your name?
Star
Star.
Michael
Oh, you folks, too, Huh?
Star
What do you mean?
Michael
Ex-hippies. I came this close to being called Moon Beam or
Moon Child. Or something like that. But Star's great. I
like Star.
Star
Me too.
Michael
I'm Michael .
Star
Michael's great. I like Michael .
Michael
Wanna get something to eat?
Star
Okay.
David
Where're you going, Star?
Star
For a ride. This is Michael.
Michael
Let's go.
David
Star? You know where Hudson's Bluff is, overlooking the
point?
Michael
I can't beat your bike.
David
You don't have to beat me, Michael. You just have to try
and keep up.
A Boy
We're going for a ride.
EXT. Hudson's Bluff
Michael
What the hell are you doing? Just you! Come on! Just you!
Come on! Just you.
David
How far you willing to go, Michael? Hit the rock box,
buddy.
David
Not bad, huh? This is the hottest resort in Santa Carla
about 85 years ago. Too bad they built it on the fault. In
1906, when the big one hit San Francisco, the ground opened
up, and this place took a header right into the crack. Now
it's ours.
Marco
So, check it out, Mikey.
David
Marco, food. That's what I love about this place. You ask,
and then you get. Appetizer. You'll like it here, Michael.
INT. Sam's room
Mother
Ten o'clock. Lights out. Did you brush your teeth?
Sam
Ah.
Mother
Okay, 'night, sweetheart.
Sam
Mom?
Mother
Sorry. I can never sleep with the closet door open, either.
Not even a crack. Sam, this is a terrible thing to admit,
but I think that one of the reasons I divorced your father
was because he never believed in the closet monster. Dad!
Don't sneak up on people like that!
Grandpa
Brought yousomething to dress up your room with, Sam. How
do you like that?
Sam
Thanks, Grandpa.
Mother
Oh, Dad, really! You shouldn't have!
Grandpa
Lots more where he comes from. Good night, Sam.
Sam
Good night, Grandpa.
Mother
Lights Sam.
Sam
As soon as I finished this comic, okey?
Mother
Okey. Sam You're history, buddy.
EXT. Hudson's Bluff
Marco
Feeding time. Come and get it boys.
David
Chinese, good choice. Over here, bud.
David
Guests first.
Michael
No.
David
What, you don't like rice? Tell me Michael, how could a
billion Chinese people be wrong? Come on!
David
How are those maggots?
Michael
Huh?
David
Maggots, Michael. You're eating maggots. How do they taste?
Star
Leave him alone.
David
Sorry about that. No hard feelings, huh?
Michael
No.
David
Why don't you try some noodles?
Michael
They're warms.
David
What worms? They're only noodles, Michael.
Star
That's enough.
David
Drink some of this, Michael. Be one of us.
Star
Don't! You don't have to , Michael. It's blood.
Michael
Yeah, sure.
David
Bravo! You're all right, Michael.
Everybody
Michael! Michael! Michael!
A boy
You're one of us, bud.
David
Perfect timing.
Michael
What's going on?
David
Michael wants to know what's going on. Marco, what's going
on?
Marco
I don't know. What's going on, Paul?
Paul
Wait a minute. Who wants to know?
Dwayne
Michael wants to know.
David
I think we should let Michael know what's going on. Marco.
Marco
Good night, Michael. Bombs away.
Paul
Bottoms up, man.
David
Come with us, Michael.
Dwayne
Michael Come on down. Welcome aboard, Michael.
David
Fun, huh? Hold on!
Marco
Don't be scared, Michael.
David
Michael, you're one of us. Let go! You're one of us
Michael.
INT. Michael's room
Sam
Mike, wake up. It's Mom.
Michael
Mom7s home?
Sam
No, on the phone.
Michael
What time is it?
Sam
It's 2 o'clock.
Michael
Give me those sunglasses.
Sam
You need sunglasses to talk on the phone? Are you
feebasing? Inquiring minds want to know.
Michael
Hello?
Mother
Michael, are you still in bed?
Michael
No. I'm up.
Mother
Michael, would you do me a favor? Max asked me to go to
dinner with him after work tonight. Would you stay home
with Sam?
Michael
Sam is old enough to stay by himself right now.
Sam
I don't need no babysitter, Mike.
Mother
Michael, you come home in the middle of the night you sleep
all day. I work all day. Sam is always alone. It's been a
long time since somebody asked me out to dinner. I'd like
to go. Okay?
Michael
Okay, Mom.
Mother
Thanks, it's a real favor. Bye-bye.
INT. The kitchen
Grandpa
Anything in here that might pass for after-shave?
Sam
Hpw about some Windex, Grandpa?
Grandpa
Yeah, let me try some of that.
Michael
Have a big date tonight, Grandpa?
Grandpa
I'll drop off some of my handiwork to the "Widow" Jhonson.
Michael
What'd you stuff for her? Mr.Johnson?
Grandpa
See you two guys later.
Sam
That wasn't funny Mike. I'm gonna make you a sandwich.
Michael
Don't bother.
Sam
lose the earring, Michael. It's not you. It's definitely
not you.
Michael
Piss off.
Sam
All you do is give attitude lately. You watching too much
"Dynasty"?
Sam
Mike, don't open the door! What's going on, Mike?
Michael
Go take your bath.
Sam
Mike. Michael, are you there? Nanook? What about Nanook?
What did you do to my dog, asshole?
Michael
Nothing. I didn't hurt him. He bit me. This is my blood.
Sam
Why did he bite you, huh? What did you do to him?
Michael
He was protecting you.
Sam
Look at your reflection in the mirror. You're a creature of
the night, Michael. Just like out of a comic book. You're a
vampire, Michael. My own brother, a goddam shit-sucking
vampire. You wait 'til Mom finds out!
Michael
Sammy, wait! Sam!
Sam
Stay back!
Michael
Just let me talk. Wait a minute! Sam!
Sam
Stay away from me, Mike!
INT. Sam's room Talking on the phone
Edgar
You did the right thing by calling us. Does your brother
sleep a lot?
Sam
Yeah, all day.
Edgar
Does the sunlight freak him out?
Sam
He wears sunglasses in the house.
Edgar
Bad breath? Long fingernails?
Sam
Yeah, his fingernails are a bit longer.. He always had bad
breath, though.
Alan Frog
He's a vampire all right. Here's what you do.
Edgar
Get yourself a good sharp stake and drive it through his
heart.
Sam
I can't do that! He's my brother!
Edgar
Okay, we'll come over and do it for you.
Sam
No!
Edgar
You better get yourself a garlic T-shirt, buddy. Or it's
your funeral.
INT. Sam's room Talking to Mom on the phone
Mother
Sam, is everything all right?
Sam
Mom, I think we have to have a real long talk about
something.
Michael
Help!
Mother
What's going on there? Sam, I'm starting to get worried.
What are you doing? Is that Michael breathing like that?
Sam
We should stay calm.
Mother
Calm? Calm about what?
Sam
Nothing, nothing.
Mother
Who's making that noise?
Sam
Mom, I can't talk on the phone. It's about Michael.
Michael
Don't listen to him, Mom. He doesn't know what he's saying.
Sam
Shut up! Mom, Help! He's coming to get me!
Mother
Oh, my God!
Sam
He'll kill me!
Mother
Honey, I'm coming.
Sam
Tell him to get away! No, Mom!
Michael
Open up!
Sam
Stay back!
Michael
Sammy, help me! Open up! Help me! Sammy, open the window!
Sam
Never! I knew it!
Michael
I'm not!
Sam
So what are you, the flying nun?
Michael
I'm your brother, Sammy. Help me! Sammy, open up! Please!
Please!
Michael
Thanks. We've got to stick together, Sam.
Sam
What about Mom?
Michael
Just don't tell her anything.
Sam
I don't know, Mike. It's just not like getting a "D" in
school or something, you know?
Michael
We're gonna work this out. We*re gonna work this out. Trust
me, okay?
Sam
Okay.
INT.
Sam
Sam, are you all right? You had me scared to death.
Sam
I'm okay, Mom. I was reading a horror comic. And I thought
I saw something on my window, but I guess I got carried
away.
Mother
You got carried away by a comic book?
Sam
It was a scary comic book, Mom. I'm sorry.
Mother
You know, I've just about had it with the both of you. You
know that? What is this mess? You spill milk on the kitchen
floor and don't even bother to clean it up?
Sam
I didn't spill it.
Mother
I can't believe you, people. The refrigerator door's wide
open. Are you trying to refrigerate the whole neighborhood?
You know, it's not fair. I would like to have a personal;
life, too. Where's Michael?
Sam
He went to bed early.
INT. Mom's bedroom
Sam
Mom, Can I sleep in here with you tonight?
Mother
in here? Are you sure you're all right?
Sam
I'm fine. It was a real scary comic, that's all. Do you
mind?
Mother
No, I donvt mind. Have you been eating pizza?
Sam
No, why?
Mother
You smell like garlic.
INT. Max's House
Max
Who's there? Hello, Thorn. Is that you, Thorn, making all
that noise?
EXT. Hudson's Bluff
Michael
Star!
Star
I'm over here Michael.
Michael
What's happening to me, Star? What's happening to me, Star?
Star
Oh, Michael! Michael, I can't tell you. I don't know how to
help you.
Michael
What's happening?
INT. Grandpa's House
Mother
Hi! Aren't we friends anymore?
Michael
Sure.
Mother
Does that mean we are, or...?
Michael
We are.
Mother
We are. Then let's act like friends. Let's talk.
Michael, take off your glasses. Michael, look at me. If
there's a girl...
Michael
I'm tired, Mom.
Mother
We could talk about...
Michael
I'm tired.
Mother
We could talk about anything you want to talk about.
Michael
I have more serious things on my mind than girls and
school. Things I'm dealing with.
Mother
Things I wouldn't understand?
Grandpa
Looks like I wasn't the only one who got lucky last night.
Sam
Did you take care of everything, Michael?
EXT. In front of Max's House
Sam
What's the win for?
Mother
My apology to Max for running out on him last night. Which,
young man, you should be making. Honey, I better bring this
up to the house or somebody's just gonna take it.
Sam
All right, I'll be here.
Mother
Hi, Thron!
Mother
Honey, get in the car! Get in the car!
INT. The comic book store
Sam
The dog chased my mom like the Hounds of Hell from Vampires
Everywhere.
Edgar
We've been aware of some very serious vampire activity in
town for a long time.
Alan Frog
Santa Carla has become a haven for the undead.
Edgar
As a matter of fact, we're almost certain that ghouls and
werewolves occupy high position at City Hall.
Alan Frog
Kill your brother, you'll feel better!
Sam
look, guys, my brother is not a bloodsucker. Look, it says
here that if you kill the head vampire all half-vampires
will return to nomal. Guys, if my brother's a vampire,
believe me, he's only half.
Edgar
Does he know who the head vampire is?
Sam
No, I don't think so.
Edgar
Then you'll have to kill him. And if you don't, we will.
Sam
It all started when mom went to work at Max's video store.
Max never comes in till after it's dark. The dog chased my
mom this morning was his. And listen to this
"Vampire require a daytime protector, a guardian to watch
over them as they sleep. " Firce dogs, the Hounds of Hell,
are often employed for this purpose." What happened if my
mom is dating the head vampire. You guys, you could nail
him and save Santa Carla. Truth, Justice, The American way
triumphs. Thanks to you two.
Edgar
We'll check out Max.
INT. The kitchen
Grandpa
Smells good. When do we eat?
Mother
I told Max 8 o'clock.
Grandpa
Max? Are we gonna have company again?
Mother
Again? You haven't have company in this house since Mom
died 8 years ago.
Grandpa
Right. Now we're gonna have company again.
Mother
Michael, Max is coming to dinner. I'd like you to meet him.
Michael
I can't. I have plans.
Mother
Michael. Things will change around this house when school
starts.
Max
Hey! How you doing? You must be Michael, right?
Michael
And you must be Max.
Max
Right. How are you? Well, you are the man of the house and
I*m not coming in until you invite me.
Michael
You're invited.
Max
Thanks very much.
Max
Hello.
Mother
Oh, Hi. I didn't hear you come in.
Max
Is it okay for the guests to see the food before the
dinner?
Mother
Oh, you're thinking of the groom not seeing the bride
before the wedding.
Max
Oh, yeah. I always get those confused. Thorn sends his
apologies.
Mother
Tell him I'm walking again.
Max
He promises to behave if you come back.
Sam
Mom? These are my dinner guests. Edgar and Alan. The Frog
Brothers.
Mother
I didn't know you were having guests.
Sam
If we'll be in your way, we can eat some peanut butter in
the kitchen.
Mother
No, no, there*s plenty for everybody. Max, this is my son,
Sam, and Edgar and Alan Frog
INT. At The Dinner Table
Max
Lucy, this looks terrific.
Mother
Well, I hope it tastes good.
Max
Tastes wonderful.
Mother
Boy! Somebody around here has bad breath! Nanook, would you
quit breathing on me.
Sam
Nanook, get upstairs. Go on. You want some Parmesan cheese
on that?
Max
yeah, Sam. Thank you very much.
Mother
Sam grated the cheese himself. (to Sam) My son.
Max
Budding chef in the family.
Mother
Are you all right?
Max
It's not cheese, it's garlic.
Sam
You hate garlic, don't you?
Max
No, I like garlic. It's just too much. It's raw garlic.
Mother
Garlic? How did that happen?
Sam
Guys, he likes garlic. Here. Quick, drink some water!
Mother
Sam, what's the matter with you?
Sam
Does it burn?
Max
Burn? Are you nuts? It's freezing.
Mother
Look at your suit, Max. And your pants. Oh, I'm sorry. Now
what?
Sam
Must be a circuit breaker.
Alan
He's not growing.
Sam
I know. Hit the light.
Mother
Sam! What's gotten into you tonight?
Max
I think I know what's going on here. You do? Yeah. I know
what you're thinking, Sam. But you're wrong.
Sam
I am?
Max
I'm not trying to replace your father or steal your mother
away from you. I would just like to be your friend. That's
all. Good night, Lucy.
Mother
Thanks a lot.
Sam
I'm sorry, Mom.
Mother
Max, I'm so sorry.
Sam
Major mistake.
EXT. Outside the house
Max
Our batting average isn't terrific, is it? Zero for Two.
Mother
You're so sweet to him. I don't know what got in to him.
He's not like that.
Max
I'll tell you, Kids Sam's age need discipline, otherwise
they run all over you.
Mother
He doesn't run all over me. Protecting mother.
Max
listen, Let's try it once more. Dinner, my house, tomorrow
night. I'm cooking.
EXT. Boardwalk
Michael
Where is she?
David
Take it easy, Michael.
Michael
Where's Star, David?
David
If you ever want to see Stars again, you better come with
us now.
EXT. Beach
David
Michael, over here. You don't want to miss this.
David
Initiation's over, Michael. Time to join the club. (They
are attacking people)
David
Now you know what you are. You'll never grow old, Michael.
And you'll never die. But you must feed.
INT. Sam's Room
Sam
I wish Grandpa would stop giving me these stupid things.
Michael
I know who I am now, Sam.
Sam
Don't kill me, Mike. I'm basically a good kid, so just
don't kill me. I can help you. Just tell me who the head
vampire is. I thought it was Max, but I was wrong. Just
work with me and I can help you. You'll be okay.
Star
Michael!
Sam
Is that girl from the boardwalk. Is she one of them?
Star
I have to talk to you. Can I come up?
Michael
No! ( to Sam) You shut the window and lock your door.
Sam
She's one of them! And don't tell me it doesn't make her a
bad person, Mike!
Michael
You know where David took me tonight, don't you, Star?
Sam
Who's David?
Star
Yes, and it's my fault. You would've not met me, if I
hadn't liked you. I tried to warn you.
Michael
It was that night in the cave, wasn't it? That wasn't wine
they gave me to drink. It was blood. That was David's
blood.
Sam
You drank someone's blood? Are you crazy?
Michael
I'm just like David now, Star.
Star
No, you'r not. You're like Laddie and me. We're not them.
Sam
Until you make your first kill!
Michael
Why didn't you kill me last night?
Star
You're supposed to be my first. That's what David wanted.
But I couldn't Michael.
Michael
Why? Because you are care so much about me? Yes, I do.
What are you doing here? What do you want from me?
Star
I wanted to tell you that it's not too late for you. But
for me it gets harder and harder to resist. I'm weak.
Michael
Why did you come here tonight, Star?
Star
I was hoping you would help Laddie and me. Star!
Sam
Don't kill anybody until we get back to you!
Michael
What are you doing?
Sam
I got connections.
INT. Grandpa's House Morning
Edgar
Where's Nosferatu?
Sam
Who?
Edgar
The prince of Darkness.
Alan
The night crawler. The bloodsucker. El Vampiro.
Sam
Mike! They're here.
INT. Driving Grandpa's car
Sam
Hey! Grandpa! Okay if we borrow the car?
EXT. Hudson's Bluff
Edgar
Weapons check.
Michael
I don't want you going down there.
Sam
I'm going.
Michael
Look, this isn't a comick book, Sammy. These guys are
brutal killers.
Sam
So are the Frog Brothers.
Edgar
Check me.
Sam
Who'd you rather go down in with you? Them or me?
Michael
If something happens down there, I won't have the strength
to protect you.
Sam
This time I'll protect you. Even though you're a vampire,
You're still my brother.
Edgar Frog
If you try to stop us, or vamp out in any way, I'll stake
you without even thinking twice about it!
Sam
Chill out, Edgar.
Edgar Frog
Yeah, come on!
Michael
Where did you say you met these guys?
INT. The cave
Edgar
Holy Shit! Vampire Hotel. She's one of them. Let's stake
her out.
Michael
Don't you touch her. Stay away from her.
Edgar
Come on, Vampires have such rotten temper. The rest of them
have got to be here someplace. We'll find them.
Michael
Star. I'm taking you out of here.
Star
No, take Laddie first. Please.
Alan
I feel draft. I think there's something up here.
Edgar
Let's check it out. Sam. Come on.
Sam
I'll be right back, Mike. I hope.
Edgar
Come on, Sam., let's go. Move out! Move!
Alan
Flies.
Edgar
We're on the right trail. Flies and the undead go together,
like bullets and guns. Come on!
Sam
What's that smell?
Edgar
Vampires, my friend. Vampires.
Sam
It's freezing in here. Come on, guys, it looks like a dead
end. Let's head back.
Edgar
There must be coffins here someplace.
Sam
There's nothing here. Let's go, guys.
Edgar
Jesus!
Sam
I thought they'd be in coffins.
Edgar
That's what this cave is. It's one giant coffin. Right now
they're at their most vulnerable. Easy pickings.
Sam
Remember. You just have to kill the leader.
Alan
We don't know which one he is.
Edgar
I guess We'll just have to kill them all.
Alan
Let's start with the little one. First come, first staked.
Sam
What's that, a little vampire humor? It wasn't funny.
Sam
No.
Edgar
Good night, bloodsucker.
David
You're dead meat!
Edgar
Get him into the sunlight!
David
Tonight!
Alan
We blew it, man! We lost it!
Edgar
Shut up!
Alan
We unraveled in the face of the enemy!
Edgar
It's not our fault. They pulled a mind-scramble on us! They
opened their eyes and talked!
Sam
I'll drive.
Alan
We don't ride with vampires.
Sam
Fine, Stay here.
Edgar
We do now. Come on! Sam. Let's get out of here. Burn
rubber!
Sam
" Burn rubber" does not mean warp speed!
INT. Grandpa's House
Sam
Cool it! Naonook!
Alan
Your dog knows a flesh-eater when he smells one.
Michael
Take him outside, Sam.
Sam
Come on, Nanook!
Grandpa
You know the rule about filling up the car with gas when
you take it without asking?
Michael
No, Grandpa.
Grandpa
Now you do.
INT. Sam's Room
Sam
We definitly blew Plan A.
Alan
Time to active Plan B.
Sam
Okay, what's Plan B.
Alan
We don't have one yet. We have two and a half hours to come
up with one.
Sam
What happens then?
Alan
The sun goes down. They'll be looking for us.
INT. The Video Shop where Mom works
Sam
Mom!
Mother
Sam, what are you doing here?
Sam
Mom, listen, I've got to tell you something. It's real
important. Santa Carla is crawling with vampires. Mom, I'm
serious. Edgar staked one of them. It was screaming and
fizzing. Look! There's evidence on my sweater. Mom, you
gotta tell someone!
Mother
This isn't funny.
Sam
I'm not kidding! They're coming to the house as soon as it
gets dark!
Mother
Stop it! Right now! Stop it!
Sam
But, Mom.
Mother
Not another word! I don't believe you're doing this. I'm
gonna see Max tonight, and you're trying to ruin it for me.
Sam
No, I'm not.
Mother
Honey, there's nothing wrong with Max. I don't know wht you
don't want me to see.
Sam
I'm not talking about Max! To hell with Max!
Mother
I'll deal with you later, young man.
Sam
Guys, we're on our own.
Alan
Good. That's just the way we like it.
INT. Grandpa's House
Sam
Grandpa, the Widow Johnson called. Said to pick her up at
7, not 8, okay?
Grandpa
We've got a date tonight?
Sam
I guess so. She said not to be late.
Grandpa
I better get cleaned up, then.
INT. Michael's Room
Star
They'll be coming for Laddie and me, won't they?
Michael
They'll be coming for all of us.
Star
Laddie, wake up.
INT. Max's House
Max
Thorn, stop that! What's the matter, Lucy?
Mother
It's just old memories coming back.
Max
No, seriously. Why are you so jumpy tonight?
Mother
Well, it's something Sam He came into the store. It was
just a kid's imagination, I'm sure, but he seemed so
sincere, but it's insane.
Max
Tell me. I promise not to laugh. Honest.
INT. Grandpa's House
Edgar
I think I should warn you all
when a vampire dies, it's never a pretty sight. No two
bloodsuckers go out the same way. Some yell and scream.
Some go quietly. Some explode. Some implode. But all will
try to take you with them.
Sam
Nanook! I left him outside. Don't go out there! Stop him!
Edgar
Sam! Come back! No way!
Star
Michael, they're coming! They're coming!
Edgar
hurry up, man!
Michael
Take them upstairs!
Edgar
I say we terminate them right now.
Star
Laddie, run!
A vampire
You're mine. You killed Marco.
Edgar
Yeah. You're next!
A vampire
No. You're next! Garlic don't work, boys.
Edgar
Try the holy water, dead breath!
Sam
Mike, Wake up!
A vampire
You missed, sucker.
Sam
Only once, pal.
Sam
I nailed one of them downstairs with a bow and arrow.
Edgar
We trashed the one that looked like Twisted Sister.
Alan
We totally annihilated his night stalkin' ass!
Edgar
And Nonook helped a little. Death to all vampires! Maximum
body count. We are awesome monster bashers!
Alan
The meanest!
Edgar
The baddest!
Alan
Holy shit! The attack of Eddie Monster! Get him!
Star
Stop! Get away from him! Just stay away from him! He's just
a little boy.
Michael
You're afraid to face me, David?
David
I tried to make you immortal.
Michael
You tried to make me a killer! David You're a killer! My
turn. Stop fighting me, Michael. I don't want to kill you.
Join us.
Michael
Never!
David
It is too late, my blood is in your veins.
Michael
So is mine!
Star
Michael!
Michael
Don't let them see me like this. Get away, Sam.
Sam
Michael, what's wrong?
Michael
I said, get away!
Edgar
What's the big deal? You destroyed the head vampire. It's
all over.
Michael
Nothing's changed.
Star
He's right. I don't feel any different.
Edgar
Then there's still one more.
Sam
I'll handle Mom. Come on, go. Don't let her se the bodies.
Mother
What happened? Where's Michael? What happened to your face?
I don't want to hear another word from you until I talk to
Michael.
Max
I'm sorry, Lucy. This is all my fault. David and my boys
misbehaved. I told you, boys need a mother.
Mother
Max, what are you talking about?
Sam
I knew it. You are the head vampire.
Mother
Sam, don't start this again.
Star
You're the secret David was protecting.
Mother
Who's this?
Alan
But you pass the test.
Max
Don't ever invite a vampire into your house, you silly boy.
It renders you powerless.
Sam
Did you know that?
Edgar
Of cause. Everyone know that.
Mother
Has everyone gone crazy? What's the matter with all of you?
Max
It was you I was after, all along, Lucy.
Mother
What?
Max
I knew that if I could get Sam and Michael into the family.
There was no way you could say no.
Mother
Where's Michael?
Max
It was all going to be so perfect, Lucy. Just like one big
happy family. Your boys. And my boys.
Edgar
Great. The bloodsucking Brady Bunch.
Max
I still want you, Lucy. I haven't changed my mind about
that.
Michael
I didn't invite you this time, Max.
Mother
Michael.
Sam
Don't you touch my mother.
Max
Don't fight, Lucy. It's so much better if you don't fight.
Sam
Mom, don't! Don't do it, Mom!
Mother
Are you okay?
Sam
Yeah.
Star
It's over.
Michael
Is everybody okay?
Mother
Oh, Michael. Oh, my boys.
Edgar
How much do you think we should charge them for this?
Mother
Dad! Dad, are you all right?
Grandpa
One thing about living in Santa Carla I never could
stomach. All the damn vampires.