I took my troubles
down to Madame Ruth
You know, that Gypsy
with the gold-capped tooth
She's got a pad
on 34th and Vine
Sellin'
little bottles of
Love Potion
Number Nine
I told her that I was
a flop with chicks
I've been this way
since
She looked at my palm
And she made
a magic sign
She said,
What you need is
Love Potion
Number Nine
She bent down
and turned around
And gave me a wink
She said,
I'm gonna mix it up
Right here
in the sink
It smelled
like turpentine
It looked like
india ink
I held my nose,
I closed my eyes
I took a drink
I didn't know
if it was day or night
I started kissin'
everything in sight
But when
I kissed a cop
At th and Vine
He broke
my little bottle of
Love Potion
Number Nine
I held my nose,
I closed my eyes
I took a drink
I didn't know
if it was day or night
I started kissin'
everything in sight
But when
I kissed a cop
At th and Vine
He broke
my little bottle of
Love Potion
Number Nine
I held my nose,
I closed my eyes
I took a drink
I didn't know
if it was day or night
I started kissin'
everything in sight
But when
I kissed a cop
At th and Vine
He broke
my little bottle of
Love Potion
Number Nine
Love Potion...
About once a month,
my friends and I
get together
and do something different
for fun.
Sometimes
we go bowling
or miniature golf
or a movie
or something.
One night,
we went down
to a Gypsy palm reader
on th and Vine.
Let me see
your palm.
You do very badly
with women.
No. I... I... I...
I do all right.
No, you don't.
There are
no women here.
What's this?
No women.
Are you
a boy-kissy-boy?
Excuse me?
You a homosexual?
No.
I want my sister
to see this.
No, I don't.
No.
I see no women
in your life
for a long,
long time.
Maybe...
forever.
Well, that's
kind of depressing.
Yes, it is.
But I have
something for you.
Let me see.
Number
number .
Where the hell is it?
Ahh.
Number eight.
This is
what you need.
Dilute this with water
to .
You don't want it
to be too strong.
You take a sip,
and you swallow.
And when you speak,
women will find you
fascinating.
I'm a biochemist.
You take this.
You'll be back.
So, tell me,
there was this woman
I saw you having lunch
with the other day.
Huh?
She's just...
just somebody I work with.
Uh-huh.
Were there any
romantic possibilities?
No.
No?
Why not?
No, you see, I'm...
She's, um,
she's not my type.
Oh, she's not
your type.
That was a lie.
Except for the fact
that she had
kind of a boyfriend,
Diane was exactly my type.
I'm a comparative
psychobiologist.
I put, uh, primates...
chimpanzees...
through tests.
I note the behavior
of the subject,
and I hope the results
are analogous to humans.
Do you put electrical things
in their brains?
No.
No.
But that's done,
isn't it?
Yes.
Why?
You can measure
electrical activity,
or, with a minute
amount of current,
you can stimulate a feeling
or... or a thought.
You can stimulate
a feeling?
Yes.
For example,
there was
this experiment
where an electrode
was planted
in the pleasure center
of a monkey's brain.
When the monkey
hit a button,
it sent a signal
to the electrode,
in effect exciting
the monkey sexually.
You're kidding.
No.
Can you guess
what happened?
Was it a male monkey?
Yes.
He slammed the button
till he died.
Oh, so, you know
this experiment.
I know men, honey.
Oh, stop.
I think she is definitely
Paul's type.
She's got that,
uh...
je ne sais quoi,
that, uh...
Very sexy girl.
You should go
talk to her.
Really.
You should do it.
Do it.
I don't know her.
Well,
that is the point.
You go talk to her,
then you'll
know her.
Well, maybe she doesn't
want to talk to anybody.
Maybe.
Maybe she does, huh?
You got to
keep taking chances,
keep rolling
the dice
till you find someone
who does want to talk.
Expert advice.
Go.
Go.
I'll tell you what.
I'll pay you $
to go talk to her.
$ .Just go
talk to her.
No.
$ .
I don't want to do it.
$ .
$ .
$ ?
Oh, O.K., O.K.
Born to lose
I've lived my...
He trapped me
by the bathroom.
He keeps me
by the bathroom.
He won't let me pass.
Can you believe it?
It's just one ugly geek
after another
in this place.
If one more of these
Radio Shack clerks...
Hi. Hi.
Hi.
Uh-oh.
I don't believe this.
Can I, uh, uh,
can I buy you
a drink?
Can I ask you
a question?
Sure.
Why do you think
I'd be interested in you?
Did I look at you
or smile at you?
Did I flirt with you?
No.
Well, then what makes you
think I'd be interested?
Are you somebody special?
Is that it?
Do you do something
really fascinating?
What do you do
for a living?
Uh, I'm...
I'm a biochemist.
Do I look like
a biochemist groupie?
Well, biochemists
don't have groupies.
Why do you think
that is?
Well, it's not
a very glamorous job.
No, it's not one of your
drop-dead glamorous jobs.
I mean,
I'm sure that you find chemicals
very fascinating,
but do I look like somebody
who'd be interested
in a...
a... a...
a chemical person?
No. Hey, wait.
I'm doing this
for your benefit.
I mean, you wouldn't want this
to happen again,
would you?
No.
No. What's very
obvious to me
is not to you.
Look at your clothes
and then look at mine.
Do you see any kind
of a difference here?
Clothes aren't
important to you,
but they're
important to me.
Taste is very important.
I like designer clothes.
I like nice things.
I drive a BMW.
What about you?
Uh, I drive
a Volkswagen.
- Fahrvergnugen.
- Fahrvergnugen.
You know what that
really means?
Can't afford
the Mercedes.
Well, you're right.
We're not really
suited for each other,
and, uh,
so I'll just go
and get myself
a chemical girl.
I'm sorry.
I was just trying
to make a point.
I tell you what.
I'll go home
with you tonight
and be your
total sex slave...
if you can answer
one question correctly.
Ahem.
All right.
Who designed this top?
I wouldn't know.
Bye-bye, now.
[Engine Rattling]
[Police Radio]
[Rattling]
You're supposed to come
to a complete stop at the sign.
Can I see your driver's license,
your registration,
your proof
of insurance, please?
Yeah.
What the hell
kind of car is this?
It's an Alta Pazzoli.
My car s-stalls
unless I keep
my... my foot on the gas,
and I was
just trying to get...
I've already had
two moving violations this year,
and if I get a third,
they might cancel my insurance, so...
do you think
that maybe you could...
please make this
a warning?
Is this
your correct address?
Yeah.
[Engine Backfiring
And Sputtering]
[Engine Backfires]
Hello.
You have zero messages.
Hello.
You have zero messages.
[Classical Music Plays]
[Same Classical Music
Plays]
Bad.
This is bad.
Bad.
Bad.
Bad.
[Meow]
Come here.
Come here.
[Meow]
Bad rice.
Bad rice.
Be quiet.
I am very serious.
So am I.
I love you so much.
I want to tell you
that I love you.
[Telephone Rings]
[Meow]
[Ring]
Hello.
[Meow]
It's all right.
You don't have
to apologize.
I made bucks
off of it, didn't I?
A gift?
Right now?
Well, yeah.
Well, what kind of gift?
Hi.
[Coughs]
Ahem.
I'm Marisa.
[Ring]
Hey.
Gary?
Yeah.
Are you alone?
Yes, of course
I'm alone.
Do you want to be?
You're no good
Heartbreaker
You're a liar...
[Knock On Door]
[Knock Knock]
I don't know why
I let you do
these things to me
Hi.
Hi.
My friends
keep tellin' me
Oh, come on in.
That you ain't no good
How are you?
Whoa
But they don't know
O.K.
That I've been...
That's nice.
Is that a new couch?
No. I've had it
about a year.
It looks new.
Well, I keep it
in good shape.
Are you still working
with your father?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
What?
I...
Oh, man.
Got to go.
Did you...
put on
a little weight?
[Zips Pants Up]
Uh, can I
get you something?
What do you got?
I have some
terrific wines.
Do you have any, uh...
gin?
Gin?
Sure.
Gin on the rocks.
Gin on the rocks.
Um...
gin.
Tangueray,
if you got it.
O.K.
Can I use
your bathroom?
[Gargling]
[Door Opens]
[Squeak]
[Car Engine]
[Door Closes]
[Engine Starts]
How'd it go?
Great.
He just
wanted to talk.
Oh, you should've
seen his stereo.
I bet
it's worth thousands.
[Tires Screech]
[Tires Screech]
[Meow Meow]
[Meow]
[Rarrr]
[Meow]
[Meow]
[Meowing]
[Meowing]
[Meowing]
[Rarrr]
Oh!
Pay attention.
Pay attention.
Number six.
I've got to
talk to you.
I've got to
tell you something.
About four hours later,
they started to leave.
Whatever had happened
had stopped happening.
And then,
when I was cleaning up,
I found this
in some milk.
Milk.
You get it?
I mean,
cats like milk.
Yeah?
Well, the Gypsy said
when you speak, right?
So, maybe it has something
to do with sound.
I mean, after all,
you scratch a blackboard,
and it drives you
up the wall.
Maybe there's
a sound that...
you know, drives you up
another wall.
You don't
believe me?
No. I'd... I'd like
to believe you.
What do you
want from me?
Now,
are... are you sure?
Are you
absolutely positive?
I'm positive.
Nothing to worry about.
It's a...
It's a salt.
It's a condensed
liquid salt.
You want me
to take it?
No.
O.K.
[Aah-Aah-Aah-Aah]
[Aah-Aah-Aah]
Didn't sound
unusual to me.
How'd it sound
to you?
Well, I... I mean,
I... I wouldn't know.
Is that an unusual sound
for a chimp?
No.
[Crash]
That... That's Romeo.
He's trying to break
through the wall!
What's he
trying to do?
[Banging]
He's breaking
through the wall!
No, no, no. Don't.
He'll rip
your arm off.
Don't. Don't.
Well, I...
[Banging]
Is he dead?
No.
He's asleep.
After weeks of testing,
we discovered
how it works.
When swallowed, it affects
the vocal cords directly,
so when you speak,
microtremors encoded
within your voice
stimulate
tiny little hairs
in the inner ear
of the opposite sex.
The vibration sends
a signal to the brain,
which, in turn,
produces a combination
of mood-altering
endogenous chemicals
responsible for
the biochemical process
of feeling in love.
We also discovered
that, one...
It made members
of the same sex hostile.
Two...
It had to be diluted.
Full strength
was far too strong.
And three...
It would only work
for four hours at a time.
The next logical step
was to test it on humans,
but who?
We felt a deep
moral obligation to mankind
to make sure this
potentially dangerous drug
didn't fall into
the wrong hands,
but where could we find
test subjects we could trust?
Th-this is
scientifically unorthodox,
but...
perhaps we could
both take samples
and test it ourselves in
a real-world environment.
I mean, Diane,
we're both...
prudent and... and
responsible people.
So, for the sake
of all mankind,
we divided up the remainder
of the potion
and agreed not to speak
for three weeks.
[Engine Rattling]
[Engine Backfires]
Can I see your driver's license,
your registration,
your proof of
insurance, please?
[Clears Throat]
Let's just...
let this go
with a warning.
Thank you.
Heh heh.
I... I get off
in... in about an hour...
and, uh...
I was... I was
wondering...
could we
maybe...
have a drink?
I don't think so.
Insurance
has been canceled.
" R.T. Moreno."
Hi.
Can I help you?
I need a man
I need a man
I need a man
I need a man
YMCA
It's fun to stay at the
YMCA, yeah
They have everything...
Excuse me.
Who would be
Ms. Moreno's supervisor?
[Village People]
YMCA
It's fun to stay at the
YMCA...
Uh...
YMCA...
That would be, um...
the district manager...
Dick Webster.
Dick.
Three tickets. Oh, my.
You didn't kill anybody,
did you?
No.
Good.
Bill... Dick Webster.
I have a cancellation
I want reversed.
Oh, excuse me.
Oh, it is
very beautiful, isn't it?
Yes, it is.
Dino!
[Speaking Italian]
Si,
signore.
Has anybody
ever told you
how beautiful
you are?
No.
Nobody in their right mind.
Excuse me, please.
I have met beautiful
women before...
many
beautiful women...
but you...
you are the most
beautiful woman
I have ever seen
in my life.
I know this
sounds ridiculous,
but do you believe in
love at first sight?
Bravo!
La via!
I want you
to have this.
I can't.
Please, indulge me.
Take it.
I don't feel
this way very often,
and I would like
you to have this.
Oh!
This is your car?
This is an
Alta Pazzoli.
I know.
I am Enrico Pazzoli.
I own the company
that manufactures this car.
[Car Doesn't Start]
Thank you.
The governor is giving
a little party this evening.
I have nobody
to accompany me.
Would you please
come with me?
I... I really
don't think so.
Why? Are you married?
No, no.
You are engaged?
You have a fiance?
No, no.
A lover?
A boyfriend?
Um... no.
A girlfriend?
No!
Then, uh, your
grandmother is sick,
and you must
stay with her?
She's dead.
I'm sorry.
It's O.K.
She died years ago.
Then why don't you
come with me?
[Knock On Door]
Buona sera.
Is something wrong?
You're wearing a tuxedo.
Oh, of course.
The party's
a formal affair.
Didn't I
tell you?
No.
Ohh...
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
But we have
plenty of time.
Please,
put on a gown.
I will be happy
to wait.
I don't own a gown.
Royalty usually arrives
after the guests.
However, Prince Geoffrey didn't
want to miss meeting any of the girls.
It is all right.
Don't be afraid.
You look, uh...
maravigliosa.
And in the alpha males,
seratonin receptor levels
were found to be
up-regulated,
and cetohybridization
has shown
that they will co-localize
with dopamine.
- Well!
- Hmm!
- Oh!
What's the difference between
ignorance and indifference?
I don't know,
and I don't care.
[Diane Laughing]
Enrico, thank you.
Good night.
Oh, my God.
Oh...
[Beep]
Hello.
You have messages.
All my friends
know the low rider...
Fahrvergnugen.
The low rider
Is a little higher
Hi.
My name's Cheryl.
Aren't you going to
tell me your name?
Paul.
Why are you looking
at me like that?
I'm just curious to
what you're thinking.
I'm not going
to tell you.
The low rider
I prefer to be
a bit mysterious.
Oh.
Do you like
mysterious girls?
No.
Oh.
What kind of girls
do you like?
Honest and direct.
I don't like mystery.
Oh, I... I was just kidding
about the mystery part.
Oh, yeah.
I can be direct.
I can be
very direct.
The low rider...
Yeah.
In fact, I can
be so direct,
it would
scare you.
Are you scared?
Nope.
Oh, God.
Oh, this is great.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
O.K., O.K.
Is that direct
enough for you?
Yeah, yeah.
That was excellent,
excellent directness.
So why don't we just
get out of here?
We can go back
to my place.
O.K.
O.K. I-I'll
go home with you.
I'll go home
with you,
and I'll be everything
you've ever wanted in a man
if...
you can answer one
question correctly.
What?
How do you synthesize
a methylated alkaloid?
I don't know.
[Makes Buzzer Sound]
Bye, now.
Yes.
Yes! Yes!
Yes!
Whoo!
[Humming]
It was late,
but the bars were open,
and I still
felt the urge
to continue
with my research.
It was % effective.
No matter
what they were doing
or whoever
they were with,
they wanted you!
You were the one they were
looking for their entire lives.
You were funny,
intelligent,
but above all,
you were very, very sexy.
It worked,
and it worked miracles.
It absolutely eliminated
any fear that they
wouldn't like you or that
you weren't good enough.
Instead of taking years of painfully
coming to grips with reality,
you change reality.
Reality comes to you.
You didn't have to be
good-looking,
well-dressed, or rich.
It didn't matter.
You just had to speak.
So...
how do you like
those pretzels?
And you didn't have to
be funny, intelligent,
or insightful.
It didn't matter
what you said.
Content had nothing
to do with it.
So...
you like those radials?
They say that
power corrupts,
and absolute power
corrupts absolutely.
Well...
they're right.
They also say that
the path of excess
leads to
the palace of wisdom.
My palace of wisdom
was the Sigma Delta Pi
Sorority House.
[Beethoven's
Fifth Symphony Plays]
I learned a lot
that night.
I learned a lot
about myself.
I learned a lot
about women.
I also learned about
an obscure panty raid law
which prohibits men
to be in a sorority house
after p.m.
How's it going?
Can I help you?
No. I'm here
to see a friend.
And who is that?
Diane Farrow.
I'm sorry,
but Miss Farrow
isn't expecting
company.
Oh, I'm just
dropping by.
I'm sorry.
Listen, why don't
you go tell her
that Gary Logan
is here?
All right.
Stan, there's a
Gary Logan out here
to see
Miss Farrow.
I'm sorry.
You're kidding.
No.
She has company.
Oh.
Who is that guy?
Prince Geoffrey.
Prince?
Prince of what?
England.
Unbelievable.
Ahem.
Is, uh...
Thank you.
Right through here?
Diane?
Wow!
- Bye!
- Bye, Diane!
Jesus Christ,
you... you look great!
What did you do?
You got a haircut?
Well, that is
a great haircut.
You got your teeth fixed.
Oh, you're on the potion!
You're on the po...
So, uh...
nice... nice clothes.
Did you buy those?
Really?
Ah. Having fun, huh?
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.
"What were you doing
in the sorority?"
Uh...
what was I doing
in the sorority?
Ha ha ha ha ha...
Oh, no.
I... I was, um...
I was, uh...
I can't tell you.
I'm sorry. I can't.
I was doing research.
I... I was.
What?
What?
What?
Oh, you're kidding.
Heh. Uh... heh heh.
Uh... ahem.
All right,
all right, all right.
Can you keep a secret?
So can I.
I'm sorry.
I... I just...
Oh, look,
that is not fair,
because you're
on the potion.
You can't talk.
How do I know you
haven't been doing
some unspeakably
sordid things?
What?
You're kidding.
What are you,
dating the president?
Who's in there?
You look familiar.
Uh, I'm the prince
of England.
Ow.
Oh.
Paul, we're going to
a charity arts auction tonight.
Would you
like to come?
You're not speaking.
Why aren't you
speaking?
You notice Diane
isn't speaking?
Oh! You're playing the mute game
again, aren't you?
Yes, you are!
She's playing
the mute game again.
[British Accent]
Really?
So, you are coming
to the party.
Tell him to come
to the party.
That's mute for,
"you must come."
Oh, uh...
you have a tux?
Your highness,
how wonderful to see you.
Jane Childs from
the arts council.
Miss Childs,
so nice to see you.
These are my friends
Paul and Diane.
How do you do?
This is one of our
new South American sculptors.
He's going to be
having a one-man show here.
Thanks.
Uh, shall we go?
Coming, Paul?
No? All right, then.
Have you met
our mayor Mr. Cox?
[Geoffrey]
No, I haven't had the pleasure.
...plaster cast mold,
and then it was done
in the lost wax method,
which is why it's so
anatomically correct.
Excuse me, Your Highness.
He's awfully good
with the ladies.
A . Oh, deuces are wild.
I got the .
Uh, the is yours.
Uh... the king is for me.
Here's a .
and, um...
I'm sorry.
We can't do this.
Could I talk to you?
Uh, would you excuse me
for a minute?
Ladies and gentlemen,
the auction is about to begin.
Please join us
at the forum.
Prince Geoffrey
may be turning in
his wicked, wicked ways
for American monkey
psychiatrist Diane Farrow.
Miss Farrow, who
as a comparative psychobiologist
has had considerable
experience taming wild beasts,
has tamed the untamable
king of the jungle
Prince Geoffrey of York.
As far as Buckingham Palace
is concerned,
sources tell us
the queen mum is staying mum
until she gets to meet
the pretty American psychologist.
Hi.
Hi.
Guess what.
What?
Geoffrey proposed
to me last night.
W-W-W-What'd
you tell him?
I told him I would
think about it.
Think about it.
W-Why'd you
tell him that?
[Clears Throat]
You know...
all my life,
I've felt...
ugly.
And now I have
the world's most desirable man
telling me that
I am beautiful.
I have the prince of England
at home pining for me.
This is a dream come true.
I could be a princess.
You're disturbed.
W-What causes this?
Well, I haven't had
a date in four years.
What?
Uh, well, your... your...
the joke about the date.
Well, what about it?
Well, Diane...
we had a date.
We had a date?
Yeah. Remember?
No, I don't.
The lunch...
we went out to lunch.
That was a date?
Yeah.
I thought a date was when
you went to somebody's house
and you picked them up
and you took them out
to dinner.
Well, that is
a conventional date,
but you... you don't
have to do that.
Gosh, I'm sorry.
I had no idea that
that was a date.
Was there a second date
that I'm not aware of?
No. Because you said you
had kind of a boyfriend.
Oh.
Well, he's not a boyfriend.
No?
No.
Are you hungry?
Yeah.
Do you want to go out
and get something to eat?
You know, I'll drive
to your house,
and I'll pick you up
and...
talk to your father.
So this is a date?
This is
definitely a date.
O.K.
And then something
magical happened.
For the first time
in my life,
I felt something perfect.
Once you feel that feeling,
that perfect feeling,
you want it to last
forever,
but since love
comes with no guarantee,
you do what you can do,
and the only thing
you can do
is get married.
So you plan
your moment carefully,
making it as enticing
and romantic as possible.
And if they accept,
you marry
and cross your fingers
and hope it lasts.
I couldn't wait to spend
the rest of my life with Diane.
I booked this great old
bed and breakfast
on a bluff
overlooking the ocean.
We'd go out
and watch the sunset...
Pain in my heart
Diane?
You're treating me cold
Uh...
Where can my baby be?
Where are you?
Lord, no one knows
Pain in my heart
Just won't let me sleep
Where can my baby be?
Lord, where can she be?
[Ring]
I began
to get tough
Hello?
I said I want you
to come back...
No. You've got
a wrong number.
Come back, come back,
baby
I know
Oh
A little pain
in my heart
[Telephone Rings]
Hello?
Diane, what happened to you?
Where are you?
Hi.
Hi.
Where have you been?
Huh?
Paul...
so much has happened.
So much.
Tell me.
Well, um...
last week...
something happened
between us.
Uh-huh.
Well, we became...
friends.
Friends?
Yeah, I mean...
it's important, isn't it,
to be... friends?
Well, yeah, but, uh,
I mean, uh...
I thought we became
more than friends.
There's something
I think I should tell you.
I've been
seeing someone...
off and on for about,
um, years,
and... and there
were problems.
I mean, it never, never
really worked out,
but all of a sudden,
it's like he's come around.
He's changed.
It's like a dream
come true for me.
It's great.
Gary...
um, Gary, this is Paul.
Paul, this is Gary.
Paul...
Paul, please,
don't be upset.
We can still be
friends, can't we?
At first I was a mess,
and then things
just got worse.
I couldn't eat.
I couldn't sleep.
I couldn't do anything
but think of Diane.
I had no choice.
I had to get her back.
I did what
everybody does
when they're in love
with somebody
who's in love
with somebody else...
You pretend you're willing
to be just friends,
but really you're out to sabotage
their relationship.
I'd gently steer Diane into
the morass of Gary's many faults.
Since I didn't know Gary,
I had to find out what
exactly these faults were.
So how's it
with, uh, Gary?
Gary's great.
He's a handsome guy.
You think so?
He looks great
in a towel, too.
He could be
a big towel model.
What's he like?
I didn't really get
a chance to meet him.
Well, um...
can you imagine feeling
something with someone
that just feels...
perfect?
Yeah.
That's how I would
describe Gary.
He's just... perfect.
Perfect?
Wow... perfect.
Besides perfect,
w-what is he like?
Well, he's, uh...
he's kind of
a perfectionist.
So... So he's perfect,
and he's a perfectionist.
So, yeah.
I mean...
but what does that mean?
He's punctual?
Well, he's, um...
Oh, he's very resolute.
He wants to do
what he wants to do.
Is that good?
Do you like that
about him?
Usually.
Not always?
Well, it...
Sometimes he just
likes to do things
that I... I really
don't like to do.
[Telephone Rings]
Oh. I'm sorry.
Hello?
Hi.
Oh, I was just
talking to Paul.
Gary, we're just friends.
Gary, I...
O.K.
O.K.
I love you.
All right.
I love you.
O.K. Bye.
Gary doesn't want me
talking to you anymore.
Diane,
what do you want?
I don't want
to lose him.
I love him.
Sorry.
This plan was clearly
not going to work.
Gary's influence
over Diane was too powerful.
She'd do anything
to make him happy.
It was like she'd joined
some kind of cult.
I went from feeling I'd be
in love with Diane forever
to wondering if I'd ever fall
in love with anyone again.
I would.
[Honk Honk]
[Coughs]
[Honk]
[Coughs]
[Honk Honk]
[Knock Knock]
Oh, hi.
Hi. I was
in the area.
I thought I'd stop
by and say hello.
Oh, that was
very nice of you.
Uh... do you
want to come in?
O.K.
Can I use
your bathroom?
So, uh...
what is it you do again?
Accountant or something?
There we go.
So is that
everything?
Yeah, this is
the whole thing.
Cables?
The cables are in with
the instruction books.
Good job, buddy.
You're coming right
back, right?
You bet.
O.K. Bye-bye.
I gave her anything I had
of value,
including all
the love potion.
I tried explaining how it
affects the pharyngeals,
but this was clearly
a woman more interested
in fiduciary gain
than in science.
Great girl.
For four hours, I could
think of nothing but Marisa...
Beautiful, intelligent,
all-around wonderful gal Marisa.
Then four hours later...
I could've strangled her.
I couldn't believe
how powerful an influence
the potion had over me.
I would've done anything
to make Marisa happy.
It was like I had joined
some kind of cult.
You sold all of it,
the whole bottle?
Yes.
The person who bought this,
what did they look like?
Tall, very handsome,
dark eyes, dark hair.
Did he wear a ring?
Yes.
A gold snake with
rubies for eyes.
Hello?
Diane, I just got back
from Madame Ruth's.
Gary is using
the potion on you.
I'm in love with him.
No, you're not.
Go away for four hours
and see if you're still
in love with him.
Paul, this is
ridiculous.
Why does he make you take
the telephone everywhere?
Does he call you
every four hours?
He thinks you're using
the love potion on me.
Don't tell him!
He's the enemy!
[Gary] Just hang up
the phone, Diane.
He must have
found out about it.
Did you write it down?
I have to go.
[Gary]
Hang up the phone.
He must have read
your journal and...
[Click]
Diane.
I'm not listening
to you.
I am not using it.
He is.
It'll wear off someday,
and you'll be pregnant,
and you'll be married,
and you'll have
that asshole's children.
It'll wear off.
You'll be married to a man you hate
with a bunch of little
assholes running around!
I kept calling her,
but she wouldn't
take my calls.
I wrote her letters,
but they came back
unanswered.
I tried confronting Gary.
That didn't work.
There was only one stone
left unturned.
Do you have an antidote
or something
more powerful or...
Sit down.
Years ago
there was a plague.
It affected many people.
It did not in any way
make them feel ill.
They lived long lives,
but...
something inside of them
died...
The capacity
to love forever.
This is the cure.
Love Potion Number Nine
does not create emotion.
It purifies it.
Love is often obscured
by doubt,
prejudice, suspicion.
With number nine,
all that is eliminated.
It becomes pure.
The greatest tragedy
in life
is when love fades.
With Love Potion
Number Nine,
it never fades.
So if you ever
loved each other
and you both
take this potion,
you will love each other
again,
as much as you ever
loved each other...
forever.
Are you absolutely sure
she was in love with you?
Uh...
mm-hmm.
Why?
If you both
take this potion
and you were
in love with her
but she really never
was in love with you,
you will love her for
the rest of your life,
and she will hate you
for the rest of hers.
Great.
How does it work?
She said drink from
the same cup, then kiss.
Five minutes later,
it will take effect.
If your heart is willing and can
be pleased, wait and listen,
and you'll hear a song
from the breeze.
So if you're willing
to fall in love,
and five minutes
after the big smooch,
you'll hear
this wind musical thing,
and whoosh,
you're in love forever.
If your heart is stubborn
like the heart of a fool,
you will taste
the sweat of a mule.
So if you're an asshole
and not willing to commit,
then five minutes
after the kiss,
you'll taste mule sweat,
which, I imagine,
is terrible.
So if I take this potion
with Diane,
I kiss her,
five minutes later...
assuming that she's
still in love with me...
number nine
will override number eight,
no matter how much
Gary takes number eight.
That's assuming
she's in love with me.
Paul...
And this is the reason
why you guys are here...
Diane's not talking to me,
so she's not going to
willingly take the potion.
I'm going
to need your help.
The plan is very simple.
We go to her house,
I knock on the door...
You guys wait
on the foyer...
If she answers, I burst in.
You guys follow.
If she doesn't,
we knock down the door,
grab her, hold her down,
I tickle her knee,
and her mouth will open.
I force the potion in,
get her to swallow it.
I kiss her. Then we wait
for five minutes.
Of course, getting her
to swallow
is going to be
the toughest part
'cause, hey, you know,
women don't want to swallow.
Sorry. Uh...
Oh, also, if Gary is there,
it's going to get physical,
'cause, uh...
But there are four of us,
and I think we can
take him...
unless he has a gun,
but chances
are pretty remote.
You guys have any questions?
What? What?
What's with that look?
You don't believe me?
It's not a matter
of not believing you.
It's just...
I think it is a matter
of not believing you.
Not only that,
but you're asking us
to break
a number of laws...
breaking and entering,
assault, battery.
Ron, do you
believe me?
I'd sooner believe
the Single Bullet Theory.
[Knock On Door]
Hold on.
I'm running kind of low,
sweetheart.
This Gary guy has the rest
of the potion, right?
Yeah, that's right.
Great.
Bye-bye, now.
Bye-bye.
- Bye.
- Bye-bye.
[Laughing]
[Coughing]
My God.
She's an angel.
That bitch.
She took my Rolex
and my wallet.
Yes. Yes,
that's right.
I'd like to report
a stolen Visa Card.
Thank you.
What am I going
to tellJudy?
Tell her
you're a schmuck.
You guys going
to help me now or what?
Remember. What do you
do if Marisa shows up?
Beat the living shit
out of her.
Cover your ears.
Yell and scream.
Don't listen to her.
What if
Gary shows up?
Beat the living shit
out of him.
Good.
Shh.
Hi.
Hello.
Are you Diane's
friend?
- Yeah. Who are you?
- Paul.
You're the Paul
she works with?
Yeah.
The one she
hit it off with?
She told me
not to talk to you.
There's something strange
going on here, isn't there?
Yes, there is.
Suddenly she's dating
the prince of England,
then she's crazy
about you,
now she's marrying
the schmuck.
Marrying?
She's marrying him?
- Yes.
- When?
In about an hour.
Oh, Jesus.
She forgot this
in all the excitement.
Uh, hi.
What's happening here?
Would you like me
to tell you?
You get her to drink
from the glass,
then bring the glass
back to me.
I'll sip from it,
come in, and kiss her.
So this guy Gary,
is he big?
Yeah.
Now, you said that she
was crazy about me.
Is that the word
she used, crazy?
Yes.
Did she ever say that
she was in love with me?
Did she use
that word?
No. She said crazy.
[Cork Pops]
[Madame Ruth]
If your heart is decisive
and your heart
can be pleased,
wait and listen.
You will hear
a song from the breeze.
Oh, great.
This is great.
Oh, O.K.
Now, it is
a tradition
for the bride
and the matron of honor
to drink
champagne
out of each
other's glasses.
It is?
It is?
It is.
It's sort of
an Irish thing.
Did you
know that?
No.
Well, uh, pour.
Grandma.
O.K.
Um...
Here.
O.K. Now, hold
your glass up
really nice
and high.
O.K.
And... to Diane
and... whoever.
Gary.
Right.
You look beautiful.
Mmm.
Gary, get out
of here!
It's bad luck for the groom
to see the bride
before
the wedding.
Well, then,
here's to bad luck.
[Madame Ruth]
There is something you can do.
You must drink
from the same glass,
then kiss her.
Drink from
the same glass, then kiss her?
She will
fall in love
with the man
she loved most
and hate the other
forever,
but if you wait too long,
it won't work.
Hmm...
No...
Whoa...
No...
Aah!
Aah!
Back up.
Oh!
Just get out.
No!
O.K., move.
I'll crack this...
Put it down!
Just step aside.
Diane...
Oh, God!
Diane. Diane.
Mmm!
Look, fellas,
I... I... I...
I'm not crazy,
O.K.?
I'm not insane.
Mmm, oh, no!
Hello, Gary.
Now, listen.
I know you're in a hurry
to get married,
so let's skip
the small talk.
You've got something
I want.
Oh.
It's so...
thick.
You're supposed
to dilute it.
Completely pure?
[Madame Ruth]
If your heart is stubborn
like the heart
of a fool,
you'll wait,
hear nothing,
but taste the sweat
of the mule.
What?
What are you
doing?
[Spitting]
Stop!
Gary.
Let me do this.
Gary, don't!
Stop!
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Come on.
If any present
knows any reason
why they may not lawfully
be joined in marriage,
let them speak now
or forever
hold their peace.
Yecchh!
Yecchh!
[Coughing]
Do you, Diane Farrow,
take this man to be your
lawfully wedded husband,
in sickness
and in health,
as long as you both
shall live?
I do.
The ring.
[Cough Cough Cough]
Excuse me.
What's going on?
You bitch!
You god damn whore!
Ow!
Tramp!
You bitch!
Jesus Christ!
Uh, guys, we got
a major code
right outside.
Everybody out!
Get with it, guys!
Move!
Go, go!
Everybody move!
[Waltz Of The Flowers
Plays]
Help!
[Singing]
Help!
Mo mo
Hmm, mo
Ooh, yeah
[Humming And Singing]
Ooh
Ma, ma, ma, ma,
Ma, ma, ma, ma,
Ma, ma, ma, ma,
[Telephone]
If you'd like to make a call,
please hang up
and try again.
If you need help,
dial .
[Beeping]
[Car Engines Running]
[Tires Squeal]
Diane.
Where have you been?
Oh!
No!
Um, touch your finger
to your nose.
Hop on one foot.
Put your hands
in the air
and go...
Grab your nipples like this,
real hard.
You like that,
don't you?
Ooh.
[All]
Ooh.
Now I think it's time
for a little magic.
Well, I'd like to tell you
that five minutes
after I kissed Diane,
she came running out
into my arms
and that we fell in love
forever,
but that's not
what happened.
It took six minutes.
I'm sorry.
It's all right.
Let's get out
of here.
O.K.
[Madame Ruth]
Ahh, that's nice.
I took my troubles
down to Madame Ruth
You know, that Gypsy
with the gold-capped tooth
She's got a storefront
at th and Vine
Sellin'
little bottles of
Love Potion
Number Nine
Love Potion
Number Nine
Oh, oh, oh
I told her everything
was goin' fine
Everything
except that man of mine
She looked at my palm
Made a magic sign
Said,
What you need is
Love Potion
Number Nine
Love Potion
Number Nine
Love Potion
Number Nine
Love Potion
Number Nine
She jumped down,
turned around
Gave me a wink
Said,
I'm gonna mix it up
Right here
in the sink
It smelled
like turpentine
Looked like
india ink
I held my nose,
closed my eyes
I took a drink
Didn't know if
it was day or night
I started kissin'
every man in sight
Never been
so turned on
Never felt so fine
Gonna give
my man some
Love Potion
Number Nine
Love Potion
Number Nine
Love Potion
Number Nine
Love Potion
Number Nine
I didn't know
if it was day or night
I started kissin'
every man in sight
Never been
so turned on
Never felt so fine
Gonna give
my man some
Love Potion
Number Nine
Love Potion
Number Nine
Love Potion
Number Nine
Love Potion
Number Nine
Love Potion Number
When I get
the notion
I take
a little potion
Love Potion...
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