Voila! Finally, the Mars Attacks
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Tim Burton martian
movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Mars Attacks. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
Howdy there, Mr. Lee.
What's this? Filipino New Year's?
No. Why you say that?
'Cause you're cooking a feast.
I can smell it from the interstate.
What is that? Barbecue?
Yeah. But it not coming from here.
What is that noise?
What is your take on this, Jerry?
The people will love it, Mr. President.
Our conflict is whether we ambush the 6:00 news or hold out for prime time.
Screw the press. This is a need-to-know situation.
We should make it top secret, and should move in with Defcon Four.
We can't sit on this.
General Casey, do you have an opinion?
Well, sir...
...do we know they are hostile?
What do you mean?
They have the planet surrounded by thousands of warships!
Do we know they're warships?
Professor, what do we know about them?
They're very advanced technologically.
Which suggests, rightfully so, that they're peaceful.
An advanced civilization is, by definition, not barbaric.
Mr. President...
...this is a great day.
I and all my colleagues...
...are extremely excited.
Good.
Extraterrestrial life.
You're right, Jerry.
The people are going to love it.
This is a momentous occasion.
Mr. President--
We'll go all media on this.
I'll wear my Cerruti suit.
I'll need a good speech.
Statesman-like...
...historical and yet...
...warm, neighborly.
Abraham Lincoln meets Leave it to Beaver, kind of thing.
Are they too old-fashioned?
No, I don't think so.
This has got the colors but, no. I don't think so.
Not vivid enough.
Nancy had this in the library.
Yes, indeed.
I don't think so.
I thought perhaps the watered silk. This week it's on sale.
I hardly think I need worry about that.
My husband is the leader of the free world.
What do you think?
Why don't you leave the Roosevelt Room the way the Roosevelts wanted it.
Because Eleanor Roosevelt was too fond of chintz. That's why.
Mother, this isn't your house.
lf you're going to be a pest, I'll ignore you!
Mrs. Dale?
I saw you fight Sonny Liston in ' .
Really?
You were a nun back then?
We've always been fight fans, haven't we sisters?
Byron Williams, telephone.
I must go.
You ladies have a nice time.
Oh, Louise.
Sorry to call you at work, but...
...the boys haven't been home in two nights. I don't know what to do.
You're doing the best you can.
They're just at that age.
The casino manager's giving me the evil eye. I've gotta go.
I'll call you later, okay?
Are you still cool on me coming to Washington?
'Course I am.
You take care, okay? Bye.
Must you drink in front of me?
You're an adult. Just cope.
It doesn't help me that all we ever do is sit in bars.
This is work, baby, okay?
I'm checking the decor, the lighting, the traffic flow.
lf I'd known you'd turn into a crook, I wouldn't have married you.
I'm not a crook.
I'm ambitious. There's a difference.
lf you think you can make a nickel in this town...
...without knowing how to dally around a few curves, well...
...you know nothing of the gambling industry.
The Galaxy's going to be the best hotel in Vegas.
The best!
I promise.
But don't you realize what you're doing? You're destroying the Earth!
All this greed! This money system!
You're destroying everything!
Okay, Barbara, okay.
Keep your voice down.
I got friends here.
Sugar!
Hit me one more time.
Stop flirting with the waitress.
God. Here.
Go over to the roulette...
...play our anniversary...
...and stay off of black.
Thanks.
Make it quick, we go out live in ten minutes.
What? The actual president?
Cutting in?
Budget negotiations may be dead in the water after this week.
Hair looks good.
I like the hair.
...quote, ''factually-challenged. ''
Yeah, Stone. Speak.
Jason, hi, it's me.
You wearing a bra?
Listen, this is big. President Dale is cutting into my show today.
That's absurd. Why would he stoop to being on ''Today in Fashion''?
He's interrupting everybody.
I don't know, it's some sort of an emergency announcement.
This doesn't make sense. He should talk to us.
White House is coming out live.
Good evening, my fellow Americans.
I apologize for interrupting your regular programs...
...but I have a very important announcement to make.
Many important things have happened to me in my life:
My graduation from Princeton...
...the day that Marsha said she would be my wife...
...the birth of our daughter Taffy.
Thanks, Dad.
And the news that I have heard today ranks right up there.
A powerful memory is in the making.
Not just for me...
...but for all mankind.
Today...
...an extraordinary discovery was made by the Hubble telescope.
The data from the Hubble was decoded...
...then analyzed by the most powerful computers at MIT.
The images are undeniable.
We are entering the dawn of a new era.
Frame enlargements provide an astonishing sight.
A fleet of vehicles, which can best be described as...
...flying saucers.
Come on! Come on! Papa needs a new pair of shoes!
Hey, am I the only one shooting craps here?
We hope we will have the chance to meet with them.
This is the perfect summation to the th Century....
Martians.
This is great.
Please, come to Earth. Please.
We need you.
I got people coming in!
Everybody wants to be part of this.
Galaxy's going to be world class.
And soon...
...we will become one solar system.
What the hell's he talking about?
These flying saucers have come from Mars...
...and at their current course and speed...
...will enter Earth's orbit in hours.
I've been thinking about Martians when there weren't any.
It is profoundly moving to know there is intelligent life out there.
Glad it's somewhere.
Our world will never feel quite the same again.
Good night...
...and God bless you all.
This...
...is intense.
Shut up, Poppy. Shut up.
Shut up!
Jason Stone.
It's for you.
Poppy, honey. No, sweetie.
That's right. Good girl.
I could be there at...
...I don't know, : .
They want me to interview the professor from the White House.
Kessler?
Donald Kessler?
Yeah, I think that was his name.
You know, the science guy.
This is nuts, this is....
We should have got that guy.
Your people are too slow.
Right, Poppy?
Finished!
One minute, seconds.
-Didn't I tell you under two minutes? -You did!
You did!
Hot damn.
Want a doughnut?
How old are they?
Fresh baked, Monday.
Richie, that's six days ago!
Give me a couple.
This Martian thing is pretty awesome.
Did one of you traitors see my Muffy?
Your brother's volunteering.
As soon as I get back to the base.
Volunteer for what?
Martian detail.
Cool.
lf any Martians come around here, I'll kick their butts!
Jump!
Folks, we must make an unscheduled stop!
It's Mama.
Why are you here? lf you ain't home, why ain't you in class?
Class was cancelled.
It was not!
-Come here! -Why?
I'm not going to hurt you.
Let go of him.
Okay. Now just come here.
Come here.
Think it's smart to cut school?
-What are you doing? -Do you?
No, it's dumb.
You'll flunk! Go to jail!
Get on the bus!
Get on!
I'll be tripping on you. Get back there.
I don't want to hear anymore.
I hate school.
I heard that!
Hi, there.
Want a date?
How about it?
A date?
It sounds good.
The stress at work is...
...unbelievable.
May I speak to you in private?
No, I must watch the floor. What do you want?
-I'm supporting a family back east. -I thought you were divorced.
I am, but I still have to take care of them.
Things have been a little lean around here.
I was wondering if I could get a raise?
Out of the question.
I'm an asset to this hotel. They like me around here.
You're a nice guy.
But I can get Leon Spinks or Buster Douglas for the same money.
You better get moving. You're on in five minutes.
This show's going to get a great rating.
It's all yours.
ln certain circumstances the proposition that two and two equals five...
...is entirely legitimate.
Call me Nathalie.
And you, do please call me Donald.
I admire your show.
Really? You like my work?
Yes. Very much.
Why....
Thank you.
Coming out of commercial.
In five...four...
...three...two....
Welcome back. We're with Professor Donald Kessler.
He's the chairman of the American Academy...
...of Astronautics.
Professor...
...isn't it weird that we sent a space probe to Mars...
...and we didn't even find anyone?
Well, not really...
...Nathalie.
We didn't get into the canals.
The Martian canals are canyons.
Some are over miles deep.
The Martian civilization has clearly developed under the planet's surface.
Their science and technology must be absolutely mind-boggling.
So...
...what in your view, Donald...
...Kessler...
...Chairman, are some of the things the Martians can teach us, Professor?
Quite a lot about Mars, Nathalie.
She's flirting.
But seriously, this is tremendously exciting.
The knowledge, the new ideas: it'll change everything.
And we must be open to it.
Maybe they can tell us about our universe.
How it started.
Where it's going.
Perhaps even its purpose.
It's tremendously exciting.
It's the most important event since...
...Jesus walked in Galilee--
Christ.
What's wrong?
Go to Camera Two!
I can't. It's busted.
Go to One! Go to Four!
He copped a feel.
Now what?
What's that?
So that's a Martian.
That's a Martian?
Oh, my God!
Yikes!
I'm not having that thing in my house.
Sweetie...
...we may have to. The people expect me to meet them.
They're not eating off the Van Buren china.
Look at that brain.
He must be real smart.
It's gross!
Don't forget, Nathalie...
...that we will look equally gross to him.
He made the international sign of the doughnut.
From the limited information available, I've made three extrapolations. One:
Our Martian friend is a carbon-based life form.
Two: He breathes nitrogen.
And three:
The large cerebrum here, indicates...
...telepathic potential.
You mean they can...
...read our thoughts?
Potentially, yes.
What about their intentions?
Are they friendly people?
Logic dictates that given their high level of technical development...
...they're an advanced culture.
Therefore, peaceful and enlightened.
The human race, on the other hand...
...is an aggressively dangerous species.
Now I suspect they have more to fear from us...
...than we from them.
Doctor.
Thank you.
For many years, I've been refining a translating computer.
The results are not perfect, but this...
...may answer some of your questions.
Green skin...
... centuries ago.
Their bodily fluids...
...include the birth of half-breeds.
How many centuries did he say?
Eight hundred, sir.
Self-determination of the cosmos.
For dark is the suede that...
...mows...
...like a harvest.
What the hell does that mean?
Hey, Mitch.
Good morning.
I'm sorry, you can't come this way. There's a tour in progress.
Hello, my name is Barbara.
Hello, Barbara.
I am an alcoholic, but I haven't had a drink in three months.
I'm feeling so optimistic because of the Martians.
We're not alone in the universe.
And it's so perfect...
...that it's happening at the beginning of the new millennium.
Our planet was suffering...
...with the ozone and the rain forest and...
...so many people unhappy in their lives.
And then...
...the Martians heard our global karmic cry for help.
People say they're ugly...
...but I think they've come to show us the way.
I think they've come to save us.
Thank you.
Bye-bye.
You be careful. Don't get yourself killed.
Ain't she cute?
-We're real proud of you. -Thanks, Dad.
Let me take this.
So long, retard. Don't touch any of my stuff while I'm gone.
Bye-bye, Grandma.
Good-bye, Thomas.
It's Billy-Glenn, Grandma.
I know, Thomas.
Bye-bye, honey.
I must go.
Take care of my boy.
He'll be all right.
I hope so.
Army trains them good.
He's gone for a while.
Why can't you be more like your brother?
We got lucky with Billy-Glenn. You can't expect the same luck twice.
Richie, want to make yourself useful for a change?
Sure, Dad.
Take Grandma back to the home.
I bet you never thought you'd live to see the Martians come.
It's pretty far out.
But think of all the crazy things you must have seen.
I bet people were pretty scared when they invented the train.
Come on, kid, I'm not that old!
Are you okay?
I want to see Slim.
I want to see...
...Slim...
...and Muffy...
...and Richie.
Grandma, I'm Richie.
I know, Thomas.
Richie was always the best one.
Right now the president is talking to other world leaders.
They're preparing a list of issues of common interest to discuss.
There is a unilateral, concerted, diplomatic effort being made.
Jason.
Thanks.
lf the Martians land, can the press do interviews?
Well, that depends.
We must establish contact...
...work out communication problems...
...establish parameters.
Then I guess we just see what happens.
Here's the president.
Good morning.
It's nice to see you all again.
I just have a few minutes for questions, so let's get started.
Mr. President!
Do the Martians have two sexes, like we do?
From Hollywood...
...we bring you the ''Lawrence Welk Show''!
Here he is, Mr. Music Maker himself, Lawrence Welk.
This pussycat is the most beautiful pussycat...
...in the whole world.
That's my Muffy.
Didn't you ever have a pussycat of your own?
Sure, Grandma.
Music!
There you go.
You going to be okay?
lf you need anything, any doughnuts or anything, call me.
How do?
Looks like you ain't got no wheels. Come on...
...get in.
I'm going to do you a favor.
I owe you one.
I made a ton of money on your last fight in ' .
The Quaker in Jamaica.
I'm glad somebody did.
Yeah, I know, I know.
It's rough on jocks.
You get to a certain age...
...opportunities dry up.
So here's the deal.
I got this chum, owes me a lot of money, needs a wake-up call.
What I'd like you to do is...
...use that patented left hook on him.
Just in the ring, Art. Just in the ring.
Yeah, I'm hip, I'm hip, but...
...I'll give you two grand.
When you're done...
...all you must do is mosey on by the office and get the cash.
Why do you want to come at me that way?
I'm trying to get back with my wife.
We had problems with this kind of shit.
But I've changed, man.
I found Allah...
...I don't eat pork, I'm a better man.
I faced that demon and I don't want him coming again.
You gave up pork!
They're sending coordinates.
Where are they landing?
Pahrump. It's in the Nevada desert.
I can have my troops there at hours, sir.
We must not send these people the wrong message.
We need a welcome mat, not tanks!
What are you talking about? You can't have Martians running all over Nevada!
You're right.
-Thank you, sir. -This situation needs to be supervised.
Absolutely, sir.
General Casey...
...can you handle it?
I'd be proud.
Good, but keep a lid on it.
Key media, good cross-section of guests.
We don't want it to turn into a zoo out there.
They don't know what they're talking about!
Liberals, intellectuals...
...peacemongers, idiots!
Would you please keep it down?
People live here!
General Casey.
Yes, I get to greet the Martian ambassador.
Isn't that great?
Oh, it's a hell of an honor.
Didn't I always tell you if I stayed in place and never spoke up...
...good things were bound to happen?
I want the Martians to be treated like foreign dignitaries.
I want your men alert and majestic...
...with a snap in their step.
This must look good. The world is watching.
Yes, sir.
Are you positive this thing will work?
Positively positive.
We don't want any slip-ups.
No, no, no, no. Not at all.
Poppy. All these people.
All of them here to see you.
There's Jason, Poppy!
Okay, let's go.
The teeming masses have gathered from who knows how many states...
...waiting and watching.
Why have they come?
Curiosity? Or is it something more?
Or simply to say, 'I was there'?
'I was there...
'...when first man...
'...met Martian.'
Jason Stone...
...GNN...
...Pahrump.
Some room.
Give them room.
It is an awesome sight.
The giant spacecraft glinting...
...in the Nevada sun like a...
...giant...
...hubcap.
Something's happening.
The doorway...
...is opening.
A silver ramp...
...is coming out...
...like a giant tongue.
Gee whiz.
Martians!
Funny little critters.
Well?
Wait.
Greetings.
I am the Martian ambassador.
Everything is fixed now. You may speak.
Greetings.
I am General Casey...
...Commanding Officer of the Armed Forces of the United States of America.
On behalf of the people of Earth:
Welcome.
He did that well.
We come in peace.
We come in peace. We come in peace.
They came in peace.
We come in peace.
Open fire!
What?
Die, you alien shithead!
I surrender!
No, it ain't happening! It didn't happen!
Holy Mother of God!
Did you see that?
We should hit these assholes with everything we've got, sir.
Sir, Mr. President, I know this seems terrible...
...but let's not be too rash.
We should nuke them!
We must establish a line of communication first.
Set up a town hall.
We'll get the public's opinion.
What do you think?
Kick the crap out of them.
Ladies and gentlemen...
...it may be a cultural misunderstanding.
Maybe to them, doves mean war.
We all saw how they reacted to that dove.
It frightened them.
He did say that...
...''We come in peace.''
The new computer's ready.
Okay, let's do it.
I know we're making the right decision.
Ready to transmit.
This is the president of the United States.
I'm speaking in the hope...
...that what happened earlier today in the Nevada desert...
...was a cultural misunderstanding.
There can be no doubt that we two peoples...
...have a great deal to offer one another.
You must be as excited as we...
...to find intelligent life in the solar system.
Let me make it clear.
You have nothing...
...to fear from us.
Our customs may be strange to you...
...but we mean no harm.
When the investors fly in...
...I would like for them each to be...
...met by a limo.
Top of the line cars...
...leather interiors...
...Corinthian, if they got it.
Are you still spinning your wheels on that cockamamie hotel?
Hello!
The Martians have attacked!
This was no misunderstanding. I was there. I saw it.
Look, you're worried about yesterday.
I'm worried about tomorrow.
The Martians land on Earth, they'll need a place to stay.
Just like everyone else.
My God.
Maybe we should all be destroyed.
The human race doesn't deserve to live.
Ethel...
...that reminds me.
I'd like the limos to be stocked...
...with every kind of alcohol known to man.
And top it off with a bottle of Dom...
...on ice.
What confounds me most of all is the lack of genitalia.
Down here is the aorta.
Up here we have the sphinx.
Notice the highly developed nerve system here.
This explains, of course, the cerebral arteries.
And if we notice down here, behind the optic chiasm...
...several glands....
Very curious.
''He who believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live.
''And whoever lives and believes in me shall never die.''
Billy-Glenn Norris gave his life defending our country.
Why did it have to be him?
He's a true American hero. May God rest his soul.
Ready! Aim.
Fire!
Aim!
Fire!
Hello?
Byron! Is everything all right? You still coming tomorrow?
Just try and stop me. That plane arrives at : p.m.
Are the kids there?
Yeah, hold on.
-Me first. -No, me.
Hey, Dad.
Who's that? Neville?
How are you?
We're going to the White House.
The White House?
Yeah, tomorrow.
-Give it back! -Leave me alone.
It's a school thing, like a tour.
So you're still going to school once in a while?
Give me your ma again.
Hold on.
Mom.
-You always get to the phone first. -So what?
I'm first to the game.
Why are you wasting this phone time? I'll see you tomorrow.
But there's something I want to say to you.
Just 'cause I feel like saying it.
What's that?
I love you.
I love you too, Byron.
Now stop wasting money! I'll see you tomorrow!
They're responding.
A message from the Martians.
Really?
They've issued a formal apology.
This is great!
I told you this would happen.
The Martian ambassador feels terrible and wants to speak to Congress.
That's good, isn't it?
You bet.
It's a victory for our administration.
Ladies and gentlemen.
This is a proud day for all Americans.
This is a hell of a photo-op, Jerry.
Are you sure I shouldn't be there?
The Secret Service don't want the executive branch...
...and the legislative branch in the same room.
The Martian ambassador is going to say a few words.
Come on down, Mr. Ambassador!
Mr. Ambassador, please!
Please!
This doesn't make sense!
It's not logical! It's not--
Guess it wasn't the dove.
Fire!
They blew up Congress!
Why'd they do that?
Maybe they don't like the human being.
Hello, gentlemen.
Nice of you to come on...
...such short notice.
General Decker...
...it seems I owe you an apology.
We all make mistakes, Mr. President.
Not anymore.
We're going to take charge of this thing!
Excellent. I have prepared the order.
What's this?
Your executive order for full use of our nuclear deterrent.
Are you crazy? I'm not starting a war!
We're already at war, sir! We have to nuke them! We must nuke them now!
General Decker, if you do not shut up...
...I'll relieve you of your command.
We must strike now, sir!
Annihilate! Kill! Kill!
Shut up!
Shut up! Shut up!
Now...
...I want the people to know...
...that they still have two out of three branches of government...
...working for them, and that ain't bad.
I want the people to know that the schools will still be open, okay?
And I want the people to know...
...that the garbage will still be carried out.
And I want a cop...
...on every corner.
Which, incidentally...
...we would already have...
...if they had listened to me in the last election.
Jerry...
...how soon can we go on the air?
My fellow Americans.
It is with a heavy heart...
...that I speak to you this afternoon.
As you know...
...earlier today the Martian ambassador and his confederates...
...attacked and killed...
...many of your representatives on Capitol Hill.
I will be conferring with other world leaders as time goes on.
And rest assured that, working together...
...we will soon come out...
...at a very real outcome.
Thank you.
Nathalie, is that you?
Yes.
How're you?
Not terribly good, I'm afraid.
May I ask you a question?
Of course you can.
Were you flirting with me on the show?
Because...
...if you were...
...I just want you to know...
...that I liked it.
You did?
Really?
Because, you know, I've watched you on TV quite a bit and...
...well, I've...
...had something of a schoolboycrush on you for...
...oh, gosh...
...ages.
Hi, there.
Are you interested in the White House?
I work there. I'm the press secretary.
Jerry Ross.
Have you ever heard of me?
You wouldn't believe the pressure of my job.
It's nice to see a new face.
Are you doing anything?
'Cause if you want, I...
...could give you a personalized tour.
Would you like that?
Hey, Mitch, it's me. Can you let me in?
Hello, Mr. Ross. Sure.
We're a little nervous here, after what happened.
Exactly.
Many great men and women have passed through here.
Now we're passing through here.
Feels good, don't it?
You're very graceful.
I like that.
Come here.
We call this the Kennedy Room.
Pretty nifty, huh?
So...
...how about a drink?
Getting more comfortable.
Outstanding.
How's my lady doing?
Oh, missy, you're hot.
Could we get that gum out of your mouth?
My finger!
Hello! Hello, operator? This is an emergency!
Help!
Don't shoot!
Don't worry, darling.
Get down!
Thank you, Mitch.
It's my job.
What's happening?
They appear to be in a highly agitated state.
And I, I don't know.
I honestly don't know.
I don't know what's going on anymore. This is frustrating.
I'm not feeling myself.
lf only I could hold you in my arms!
Oh, Donald!
I'm scared!
Excuse me.
You said you wanted to know as soon as possible.
What is it?
It's NO .
Highly concentrated.
Nitrogen.
So...
...that's how it could breathe in our atmosphere.
What's that noise?
But, Theodore, I simply do not feel that Lincoln....
It's a full-scale invasion.
We must get you to safety.
Not this way?
I'm sorry, there's a tour going through.
The Blue Room is often considered the most beautiful in the White House.
It is often used by the president to receive guests.
It is furnished to represent the period of James Monroe.
What's that?
That...
...is a portrait of James Monroe.
We lost Taffy!
Keep moving, we must get you to the back stairs!
The Nancy Reagan chandelier!
What are you gawking at? Get that president out of here!
I personally guarantee...
...that you will get a complete return on your investment...
...within five months.
Mr. Land, excuse me.
Just a second, Sheik Rakula.
Now...
...even in a time of so-called intergalactic emergency...
...the people...
...still want to roll them bones!
I believe--
Just five more minutes.
What I'd like for you to do is to...
...view our new, state-of-the-art show room.
It is out-of-sight!
Gentlemen.
There is no way...
...that we can lose.
''It's not unusual to be loved by anyone
''It's not unusual to have fun with anyone
''But when I see you hanging about with anyone
''It's not unusual to see me cry
''I want to die''
I've called you all day.
The flight's been canceled.
Byron, there's Martians everywhere!
Hello?
I can't hear you!
I must get to Washington.
Do you know anyone who can fly a plane?
Your husband, Art.
He's dead.
I told him this would happen.
I loaded the plane with supplies.
I want to go to the Tahoe caves. It's remote, the Martians won't find it.
Where's the plane?
Private airfield. Other side of the freeway.
Will it fly to Washington?
I want to go to Tahoe.
''You find it happens
''All the time
''Love will never do
''What you want it to
''Why can't this crazy love
''Be mine''
Jesus Christ!
Girls, get out!
There's a Martian right behind me!
You're Tom Jones! ''It Ain't Unusual.''
Autograph?
Anybody got a pen?
Great punch.
You'll need that gun.
-I'm Tom Jones. -Byron Williams.
I saw you fight in Cardiff, Wales.
You okay?
-I need a drink. -You and me both.
-We better go. -Can you fly a plane?
Sure. Got one?
She has.
Don't run, we are your friends.
Martians blew up the shop!
You're kidding.
Should I get Grandma?
Forget her! She's halfway to outer space already! Here!
I'll tell you one thing. They ain't getting the TV!
The president of France is on line two.
Mr. President, the president of France is on line two.
He says it's important.
Hello, Maurice.
I have good news.
The Martian ambassador is here.
We've negotiated a settlement.
Maurice get out of the room.
Get out, now!
Mr. President.
Mr. President.
I need you to sign this!
What is it?
My last will and testament?
It is an order to deploy our nuclear capability, sir.
What the hell was that?
Look!
What was that?
Where you going?
To get Grandma.
Stay and defend this trailer!
That's what Billy-Glenn would do.
You're disgracing a hero!
I don't care. I'm gonna go get grandma.
Come back here!
What in the hell is that?
Cut it out!
Stop it!
-This way! -No, this way!
It's a short cut! The airfield's--
Bullshit! The airfield's over there!
Being dressed like King Tut doesn't make you our leader!
Look, this is wrong!
We're lost! He led us down a maze! I'm going back to the hotel.
-This way! -Wait!
Where are you going?
Come on.
But, I like him.
Assholes! Why'd I listen to them? I should have stayed in the hotel.
Shit!
I surrender, okay?
You understand what that means?
Look! You're intelligent beings.
Let's cut a deal. I can help.
I'm a lawyer!
You want to conquer the world, you'll need lawyers, right?
Here.
You want my watch?
Take it. Take it. It's a Rolex!
Nice shot!
Pity I was too late.
Can I have the gun back?
Give me the gun and come on!
Grandma!
Oh, my God!
I think these guys are very sick.
What's happening to them? What's killing them?
I think it must be my music.
Quiet!
You think you can do anything you want.
You can't.
Because...
...we are human...
...beings.
And we have the United States Army...
...that'll fight you...
...to the last man! And we'll never surrender!
Do you hear me?
We'll fight you on the beaches. We'll fight you in the streets.
We will never, never surrender!
We will win!
Democracy will survive!
We will never, ever...
...surrender!
We will win!
The eagle will be triumphant!
Why...
...are you doing this?
Why?
lsn't the universe big enough...
...for both of us?
What is wrong with you people?
We could work together.
Why be enemies?
Because we're different?
Is that why?
Think of the things that we could do.
Think how strong we would be!
Earth...
...and Mars...
...together.
There is nothing that we could not accomplish.
Think about it!
Think about it!
Why destroy...
...when you can create?
We can have it all...
...or we can smash it all!
Why can't we...
...work out our differences?
Why can't we...
...work things out?
Little people...
...why can't we all just...
...get along?
What's this?
Don't run. We are your friends.
Don't run. We are your friends.
Next stop, radio station.
There it is!
Let's move it!
There it is.
Go start it. Go with him.
Cindy, come with me.
Are you sure you can fly this?
I think so, yeah.
Who put that on?
-It's stuck! -Cindy, over here.
Shit!
They haven't seen us yet. Come here.
Get in the plane.
I'll distract them.
The first chance you get, go.
-I'm not leaving you! -Just do it!
I'll draw them away! Go!
No!
I said go!
Oh, my God!
What's he doing?
He's flipped!
He's going to throw them off so we can escape.
We can't leave him!
No weapon!
No clown outfit!
Just me!
Byron Williams...
...heavyweight champion...
...of the world!
Something's happened.
Something's happened to Byron.
''When I'm calling you
''That means I offer my love to you''
Good-bye, my darling.
I wish things were different.
So do I.
Good-bye.
I love you.
I love you too, Nathalie.
Florence Norris...
...I present to you the Congressional Medal of Honor...
...the nation's highest decoration.
Thank you, but don't you dare let this happen again!
Richard Norris...
...on behalf of my parents, who couldn't be here today...
...for saving the world from the Martians...
...I present to you the Medal of Honor.
Don't kiss me if you don't want.
I have to.
I prepared a speech. Is that okay?
Sure, that's very appropriate.
Hi, everybody.
I want to say--
Can you speak up? We can't hear you.
I want to say that there's a lot of people in the world...
...that have done a lot more than I have, and...
...they should be here now...
...getting a medal.
And I want to thank my grandma...
...for always being good to me...
...and for helping save the world and everything.
So, I guess, like, now we just have to...
...start over and start rebuilding everything, like our houses.
But I was thinking, maybe instead of houses we could live in tepees.
Because it's better in many ways.
That's all I have to say. Thanks.
Was that okay?
Yeah.
Do you got a girlfriend?
No.
Give me a break. Go on in there and clean your room.
I can't do this all by myself. Look at you.