Voila! Finally, the Miss Congeniality
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Sandra Bullock movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Miss Congeniality. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
They're fighting again!
Oh, boy.
Don't! Wait! Not my homework!
No! Stop it! No!
Problem, gentlemen?
Hey, dork-brain!
If you weren't a girl, I'd beat your face off.
If you weren't a girl, I'd beat your face off.
You're calling me a girl?
You called me one!
You asked for it.
Now get out of here!
Forget those guys.
They're jealous because you're smart and funny.
And girls like that.
What girls?
Lots of girls.
I mean...I like you.
I don't like you. Now everybody thinks I need a girl to fight for me.
You are a dork-brain.
My nose!
Wimp!
Moe and Larry in the house.
Grant, what have we got out back?
All clear, sir.
Matthews, what do you got?
Returnable cans, sir.
I'm up to cents.
Hey, we got a cab.
Here comes Curly.
The Three Stooges.
Check it out, Ivan's packing.
Thank you! We've got a briefcase.
Hart, waiting for visual confirmation.
No disc yet.
Suitcase is opening.
This woman's ass is in the way.
Hart, we can't see a damn thing. We need to see the discs.
-This broad's got two asses! -Do something!
Excuse me.
You wanting something else?
Yeah. You know what? I really love this borscht.
Or, as they say in Russian:
We got the discs.
We're moving in!
Get down!
Keep your hands where I can see them!
No English.
Nobody moves until I see some goddamn "Lazhitsa na pol"!
Sir, he's turning purple!
Hart, until we secure, you stay.
That is one really, really purple Russian, sir!
He's still armed! Nobody moves!
Hands up! Back off!
No, sir. He's not gonna die.
He's not good enough for that.
His victims didn't get a chance to choke on a peanut, did they, sir?
Now you're going down.
Drop the guns or I'll kill her.
Ivan, out the back.
You're not killing anyone.
Party's over!
How's your head, my little piroshki?
This is gonna put you away for a long time.
Let's get that ambulance in here!
-Shut up! -Stay with me!
-I'm sorry. -Don't be sorry. You did a great job!
Nice work. See you back there.
Come on, Hart. The van's waiting.
I got Grant shot. I shouldn't have moved.
Come on, you made a choice.
It was wrong, but that's it. It's over.
By the way, you look like hell.
-Morning, Mrs. Schwartz. Schnatzie. -Good morning, Gracie.
Hart.
Yes, sir.
ETA, minutes.
No problem. Breakdown?
Yes, sir. Negative. Do not need assistance.
Ten-four. Yes, sir, I know it's hot.
Hey, you cannot park--
It's an emergency. Official business.
Aside, please. Thank you.
Official business. Step aside.
Hey, get lost! I'm waiting here.
FBI. You might want to stay out of this.
Excuse me. Sir, ma'am, please back off.
All right. I need eight double-tall--
Eight double-tall lattes. One with no foam.
Five decaf lattes with a long straw.
Four caramel macchiattos.
Double up on the cup.
Two blueberry scones with the little granules on top...
...and one Starbucks compilation CD.
No! I would like....
What's going on? Where's McDonald?
Could we put out an APB on my Frappuccino?
It's in the bag. Did he say anything about last night?
Relax. Don't annoy him. Don't say anything. Don't argue.
I don't argue. I never argue. When do I argue?
I might have a heated discussion with somebody.
Is this you not arguing? Because you suck at it.
Morning, everybody.
Morning, sir. It's....
Sir.
Okay, everybody.
I know you're all concerned about Grant's condition.
So I'm happy to report...
...Jerry's gonna be fine. He'll be out of the hospital in two weeks.
He says he's expecting lots of gifts.
Okay, everybody.
So much for the good news. We got another letter from the Citizen.
Arson, explosives, poison...
...this guy never works the same way twice.
The only thing we know for sure...
...is, we get these letters full of incomprehensible riddles...
...he strikes and suddenly the clues make sense.
This one is down in Intelligence.
Hopefully, we'll get a lead before somebody gets killed.
In the meantime...
...Matthews, get a team together.
Sir, you want me to take point?
For five years you've wanted it.
Last night, you earned it. Pick your team.
I want preliminaries by . That's it.
Sir...?
Who's buying me lunch?
Sir, I would like to talk about what happened last night.
I didn't exactly follow orders--
"Exactly" follow orders? There's no such thing.
You follow orders or you don't.
No arguments, sir. None whatsoever.
Until the hearing, you're out of the field.
The hearing is totally warranted.
Wouldn't I be better on the Citizen case?
I have a background in profiling and decoding.
I could contribute.
Like you contributed last night?
By putting yourself and agents in jeopardy?
I'll save the rest for the review board.
You will bury yourself under a mountain of paperwork.
Discussion is over.
Mike, give me a pint.
Rough day?
The worst.
Sure you want a whole one?
Yeah. Hit me bigtime, baby.
Hey, Einstein. If you figure out that Citizen letter, let me know.
Congratulations on the op. It's a big shot.
Thanks.
How are you doing? You okay?
I'm good.
You're starting early today.
Yeah, I'm gonna get chip-faced. Want to join me?
I'd love to, but I have a pressing social engagement.
Beth!
Brownie meeting.
Mike, give me a beer and....
Milk. Give her milk.
White wine spritzer.
Are most of the people in here agents?
As a matter of fact, here's an agent. Gracie Hart.
Beth Carter.
Right back to you.
Beth is an undergrad at Vassar, doing a paper on law enforcement.
I'm helping her get an inside look.
I bet she'll do the same for you.
Gracie, I would love to get a woman's point of view.
You're barking up the wrong tree. Right, Hart?
Do all the women have to wear those really masculine shoes?
I get these made special by the guy that put the tattoo on my ass.
We'll leave you with Ben and Jerry. Catch you later.
-Nice meeting you. -You too.
Hope you have a good time at the mall.
Wohop is the place.
Wohop is good, but if you like variety, you go to La Chinita Linda.
Their rice and beans are slamming.
I don't want variety. I get pork fried rice every--
I figured it out! I tried to create a content-based pattern...
...similar to his previous letters.
But this time, he used a signifier.
In this case, the word "miss"...
...in the subsequent letters. Will you let me finish?
It's the Miss United States Pageant.
Yeah. Intelligence thought so too.
What do we got?
Miss United States from San Antonio, Texas, home of the Alamo.
I forgot the Alamo.
The pageant lasts three days. Preliminaries, conferences...
...the live telecast. It's a logistical nightmare.
Not just a babe-fest.
Jesus, we've only got hours.
Okay, gentlemen.
Where do we start?
You might want to call the network and pageant people. Set up a meeting.
Because you'll probably need their cooperation.
Yeah, I can do that. Let's do that.
What about jurisdiction?
The Citizen has been ours from the start.
You might want to call San Antonio.
Grease some wheels so they like us...
...when we need manpower and tech.
While I'm at it, let's do that.
Good idea.
He loves to make a splash. His target will be public...
...like one of these outdoor prelims or a TV broadcast.
Telecasters at the convention center.
We're gonna need surveillance on the interior perimeter.
We'll need more. There's a million places...
...only these bikini-stuffers can go: backstage areas, hotel rooms....
We need to get somebody in there.
Yeah! Now I'm thinking...
...undercover.
Good idea, boss.
I got just the girl.
That's nothing. Check this out.
Compliments of my daughter: the "Dress Up Sally" web site.
What did I tell you? Hot, right?
Yeah, baby.
You got a little problem.
She's perfect!
Look to the left.
Down...down....
-There you go. -"On maternity leave"?
That's not gonna work.
Not unless it's "The Miss Lamaze Pageant."
Can you do a search?
Female field agents under .
Jensen, Jensen!
Wait, wait, wait, wait! I got it, I got it!
Oh, no!
That's right, that's right!
You think that's good? Check this out.
I got the winner right here.
Scorekeepers ready?
This is the best part.
He's right behind me, isn't he?
Not really my color, is it?
Sir, we were just...
...looking for someone to go undercover at the pageant.
And I'm the best we have.
It doesn't inspire much confidence.
Get back to work.
-Hart, shouldn't you be at a desk? -Yes, sir.
You don't say anything? Made me look like an idiot.
Do I have eyes in the back of my head?
-He was standing right behind me. -What were we gonna say?
-What? -This one.
Are you kidding? It's Hart.
Cut it off. Let's go back to work.
Very funny.
Hold on. That's not bad.
Hold on, nothing. Hit the save button because you won't see that again.
-What do you say? -No freaking way.
Why not?
I won't parade around in a swimsuit like some bimbo...
...named Gracie Lou Freebush, and all she wants is world peace.
It wouldn't be like that.
You'd be on the undercover team.
Right. In a thong.
In a tasteful one-piece!
You do a few butt-shaping exercises...
...you could pull this off.
You know what? Pull this off.
Is it because McDonald hates me?
Or is it, like, a woman thing?
Don't kid yourself. Nobody thinks of you that way.
He's punishing me, isn't he?
I had to beg him to let you do this.
That's right. Like it or not, you screwed up, pal.
Sit down, sit down.
I've never been in a beauty pageant.
I don't even own a dress. I don't even own a brush.
Which part of that is supposed to shock me?
Let's suspend reality for a second...
...and pretend I said yes.
I got to do everything? Like...
...the whole big hair and the makeup and--
Damn right.
The spinning, the twirling, the smiling, the cute little tap number.
Hundred bucks on Matthews.
I don't know. She's got rage.
I'll take that bet.
Yeah, baby.
So you're saying...
...I have to wear the bathing suit?
Yeah, you have to wear the bathing suit.
Okay.
You go, girl.
Where am I gonna put my gun?
No place I want to know about.
What could possibly motivate anybody to enter a beauty pageant?
Scholarship money, a chance to see the world...
...broaden your horizons--
So join the Marines. It's like feminism never even happened.
Any woman that does this is catering to misogynistic Neanderthal mentality.
I dated Young Miss Scarsdale.
Can you really be this superficial?
Hard to believe, right?
Here we are.
Therefore, we'd like to use one of our team undercover.
Am I hearing this correctly?
Kathy, these people want to put one of their agents...
...in the pageant.
They want her to win?
No, ma'am.
We will need your help with the judging...
...so our agent is in the top five...
...to have access to all the areas at all times.
-Absolutely not. -Miss Morningside...
...we understand how important this beauty pageant--
Excuse me.
This is not a beauty pageant.
This is a scholarship program.
And it has been ever since my reign.
I fully intend on maintaining that credo.
Absolutely, Miss Morningside.
We're here to protect the girls. Women.
Scholarship ladies.
There's nothing more important to me than the safety of my girls.
I'd rather cancel the pageant than have them blown up.
Especially without their knowledge.
We went to the network to cancel, but they refused.
We can't force them.
I'm confused.
What state is she going to be from?
All the winners have been chosen.
We recently discovered some information about Miss New Jersey.
And her performance in a little film called Arma Get It On.
Was that her?
Oh, yeah!
She was gonna drop out pretty soon, if you know what I mean.
Do you have an agent in mind?
Sorry.
Let me get you Victor Melling's number.
Frank.
He's our pageant consultant.
Frank.
Maybe he can do something to help.
Frank!
This is my assistant, Frank Tobin.
Hi, everyone.
Would you get these people Victor's number, please?
And get me a spring water.
And tuck in your shirt.
That, that was...a water for you...
...and....
Victor Melling's number.
Mr. Melling.
How are you?
If you are Grace Hart, I quit here and now.
I'm having a bad hair day.
Bad hair decade, really.
I'm Eric Matthews. We spoke.
Your hair is perfect.
However, I can't accept this job.
There's no way I can make this woman ready in two days.
Please, Mr. Melling, give it a chance. Sit down.
Have lunch. Totally on the Bureau.
I suppose that would be the civilized thing to do.
I'll take a rain check. I got to take care of some FBI stuff.
That thing I told you about that I gotta do.
But I'll see you later. We'll hang out. You like caps?
I'll get you an official FBI cap.
See you later.
What a pity.
-Are you hungry? -Yeah.
-Yes. -Yeah.
It is always "yes," never "yeah." Sit down.
Miss United States is always well-spoken and polite.
Do you understand?
Watch the hands, garçon.
-Excuse me. -It's all right.
I have a feeling we're going to need a drop cloth later.
Could I have another cabernet sauvignon?
Another keg for you?
-I'm good, thanks. -That's okay, Philip.
So, how long have you been doing this pageant-training thing?
I'm sorry?
What was the question? I was distracted by a half-masticated cow...
...rolling around in your wide-open trap.
Excuse me? What is your problem?
-Problem? -Yeah.
I mean, yes. Have I offended you in some way?
You've been completely antagonistic to me from the second I walked in.
I was once the most sought-after, highly paid...
...consultant in pageant history.
I had no idea.
Every season, girls would plead with me to train them.
Ten out of years...
...my girls were crowned.
The year we lost, the winner was a deaf-mute.
You can't beat that.
Then...
...in ' ...
...my girl froze like a puddle halfway through her aria from La Bohème.
Afterwards, she told a reporter from Pageant Magazine...
...that I was a perfectionist...
...who had harangued her to within an inch of her sanity.
Of course, after that article came out...
...nobody wanted me.
Okay. With all due respect here...
...why did Miss Morningside suggest you?
Because I am the best.
Or perhaps it's because everyone else worth having had a contestant.
They had their Southern belles, their Midwestern farmers' daughters.
Spunky Western cowgirls.
And I have...
...Dirty Harriet.
Will you desist?
Yeah.
Yes.
Oh, my God.
I haven't seen a walk like that since Jurassic Park.
It's been working really well for me for the past years, all right?
Well, glide, now. Glide.
Don't look down, don't look down.
Don't look down, look up. Your chin should be parallel to the floor.
Now glide. Glide.
It's not the bloody Ice Capades.
Gliding.
No, no. Don't pick your feet up. Don't pick your feet up.
Why are you picking your feet up?
Because I'm preparing to run away.
No, wait. Wait.
Watch me.
Glide. Glide.
See? Glide.
It's all in the buttocks. Don't I look pretty?
It takes a very secure man to walk like that.
Roll your hips.
Head up, head up. Keep gliding--
I'm gliding here!
What are you, blind?
Asshole.
Look how she walks. She's floating.
Lightly ascending from cloud to cloud...
...towards heaven.
He takes one look at that fake rack...
...he's gonna send her right back.
Look, she's gonna cry again. "If I only had a brain!"
I am somewhat less than amused.
How's she doing?
With some intensive work...
...she'll be ready for the world's finest trailer park.
Thank you!
Both painful...
...and grotesque.
Isn't it?
Oh, my God!
Mr. Vic, we got everything you asked for. Where do we start?
Teeth, hair, manicure, pedicure.
Which one first?
What are you gonna do to my teeth?
Hopefully, remove the beer stains and steak residue.
Can't I get some Novocain?
It's only a cleaning.
Sweeney Todd, what are you doing?
Your hair should make a statement.
As long as it's not, "Thanks for the Country Music Award."
You'll be lucky if I can get it untangled.
No mercy.
Can I borrow that drill?
Attention. Attention.
All hair removal units, wax, electrolysis, laser...
...to commence at hours.
Bikini wax.
How you doing?
Ever seen one this big?
Sandwich, I mean.
That's a lot of meat.
Thank you!
Nobody said this job was easy.
This earpiece lets you hear anybody on our frequencies.
I don't need it. With all this foil, I'm getting HBO.
This is a pin camera.
There's an actual lens in there.
It provides a digital video feed to our hookups.
Here's your new l.D.s.
Pageant identity.
Gracie Lou Freebush?
I remembered you liked that.
Well, my IQ just dropped points.
More...fluffy.
Eyebrows. There should be two.
Another two coats. And a sealant.
Unbelievable.
Where the hell is she? What could possibly be taking this long?
Hart, is that you?
I'm in a dress, I have gel in my hair, I haven't slept...
...I'm starved and I'm armed. Don't mess with me.
I'm fine. I'm cool. I'm good.
Yeah, that's her. Mr. Vic, nice work!
Thank you.
My God, I'm good.
Okay, Gracie Lou, listen up.
"Operation Thong" has commenced.
Why don't you stun-gun yourself?
I knew she'd like that one.
Victor?
Try not to speak.
Victor!
Miss Morningside, if it's possible...
...you look more radiant than ever.
Then I guess it's possible. Hello.
Hi.
Miss Hart?!
I mean, Miss Freebush.
Victor, I see you haven't completely lost your touch.
You look absolutely perfect.
And you're just in time for the orientation breakfast.
You'll take the bags to the room?
It's been a while since you've been with us...
...but you remember how everything goes.
One little mistake and I'm a bloody bellhop.
Ohio. Oh-hi-yo!
Washington. Nice apples.
Original. You come up with that all by yourself?
-Miss Greenbush! -I got it. I got it.
New Jersey? Welcome.
-Who's she? -Have you seen her before?
Oh, hey, New Jersey? This one's empty.
Thanks.
-I'm Cheryl from Rhode Island. -Hi, I'm--
Gracie Lou Freebush. I memorized the orientation pamphlet.
I know all ladies by name and picture.
Fifty, including myself.
Your picture wasn't there, so I knew it was you from your lack of picture.
How about a little song for the drive?
I think you know the one I mean.
From sea to shining sea
Like Lady Liberty
She reigns over all she sees
She's beauty and she's grace
She's Miss United States
Entering Barbie-town.
We're up and running.
I love my job!
-Not a bad view. -Not at all.
There's our table!
I got here three days early so I could--
Look at all the hoochie mama!
Not the pastry!
Ladies, I would like you to meet Gracie Lou Freebush from New Jersey.
Karen Krantz, New York.
What's up, Jersey?
-Mary Jo Wright, Texas. -Hi there.
Belinda Brown, Tennessee.
-I like that! -Oh, yeah!
Leslie Davis, California.
Hey, girl.
And Alana Krewson, Hawaii.
Aloha.
Aloha to you too!
I want you all to know, I believe what it says on the sign at the Alamodome.
We are all winners.
Hey, Hart! You think she's hungry?
Most important, we're getting our issues out there for people to hear.
And it's an honor to have made it this far.
Especially when you're from a small state--
That's so true!
-Us Rhode Islanders-- -I wasn't finished.
Did it sound like I was?
I'm sorry.
Why are you apologizing to her?
She's been drinking too much Coppertone.
-Are you talking to me? -Yeah, I am.
Question:
In Hawaii, don't you use "Aloha" for hello and goodbye?
So?
If you're on the phone with someone who won't stop talking...
...and you say "aloha," don't they start again?
At least she thinks I'm funny.
Hart? Hart, do you copy?
-What's up? -I don't know. It's not working.
-It worked five minutes ago. -Who put it together?
Check one, check one--
Thank you so much. Thank you.
For the past years...
...it has been my honor to serve as director of this pageant.
And I know that this year will be our most exciting event ever!
Couple of geniuses I'm working with.
After the rehearsal and a photo shoot, you can settle into your rooms.
Tomorrow we will begin the preliminaries...
...hosted by our master of ceremonies...
...an American institution, Stan Fields.
Thank you! Oh, thank you, Kathy!
Let's go! Get it back online!
-We're working on it. -We're trying.
Thank you, Kathy.
Isn't she ravishing?!
How does she do it?
I look in the mirror and say, "Who's that old man in my pajamas?"
And even though I'll be retiring this year....
Well, don't cry for me...Alabama.
That's so sad. He's retiring.
He's not retiring.
I spoke to him this morning, and he blurted it out.
They're firing him, going for someone newer and younger.
I hope it's Ricky Martin.
Jesus Christ!
I'm sorry. I had a bite of my bagel and I forgot to pray.
Dear Jesus, please forgive me...
...for not praying before I had a bite of my bagel and schmeer.
Thank you very much.
Amen.
I hope I'm not disturbing you.
Oh, no, I was just, you know...
...grooming.
I made some of my famous hot chocolate.
My roommate's asleep, or she's starting to mold.
But do you want to come in?
I asked some of the other girls...
...but when they heard "chocolate" they slammed their doors.
They didn't give me a chance to say "nonfat."
Well, here's to...
...world peace.
World peace.
Hot.
I'm sorry.
I have to tell you...
...I thought it was really great how you settled that argument today.
"Aloha, aloha. "
That's why you're gonna win.
You're so clever.
You should tell jokes for your talent. What is your talent?
It's-- It's kind of like....
It's, you know, it's like a surprise.
But don't worry, it's nothing embarrassing.
Not anything like baton twirling or anything.
So, what's your talent?
Oh, Cheryl, I'm sorry.
Twirling can be a real art.
I saw this cheerleader doing it at a football game.
She lit her batons on fire and did this sexy dance.
I wish I could do something like that.
Why can't you?
My parents don't like anything ostentatious.
And they really don't like fire.
Cheryl, I think you have as good a chance as anyone to win.
You believe in yourself to have gotten this far, right?
-Really? -Yeah.
You're so nice and so smart and so sensitive.
You're definitely gonna win.
That's it.
Excuse me. I am in the middle of a REM cycle over here.
-Sorry. -I'm sorry.
Not happening.
-What? -You took your earpiece out.
-Vic needs you. -Now?
-I haven't slept in two days! -I'll give you a cookie.
It better be a big one.
You don't walk, you float.
Gently descending, you don't look down.
Go back up and do it again. Never, ever look down, okay?
Thighs touching....
-Touching, not clenching. -I'm touching.
There's a gap between knees and calves, your calves and your ankles.
Right now there's a huge gap between my brain and my spinal cord.
Here. Take these.
What, no armored car?
That would be in my other dress.
What are you planning to do for your talent? Sing? Dance?
Chew with your mouth closed?
I'll do whatever you want, Yoda.
Oh, Lord.
Agent Matthews!
-This woman has no talent! -Don't shout it in front of her.
I wasn't told to provide a talent. I can't do so in the next five hours!
Wait a minute.
What are you talking about?
She'll be on-stage with nothing to do...
...but convert oxygen into carbon dioxide!
You said you couldn't make her pretty in two days, but she's gorgeous.
Compared to the car wreck she was before.
My duties are stated in a contract, and I have fulfilled them.
-You talent her up by tomorrow or-- -Are you threatening me?
-Listen to me, you old fruitcake! -How dare you, you cupcake!
There's something I know how to do. I haven't done it since high school--
-You're not having sex on this stage. -I didn't know it was an option.
This thing, I just have to call room service.
Miss Hart.
Please.
Thank you. And the other one.
Thank you.
All right, all right, all right.
Happy, you doughnut Nazi?
Did I tell you Stan Fields was getting fired?
I'm on it. You just concentrate on being Gracie Lou, all right.
And by the way, you're doing a great job.
I thought the evening gown looked....
-I totally bought it. -I know, you think I'm gorgeous.
I don't think you're gorgeous.
You think I'm gorgeous.
You want to kiss me.
You want to hug me--
McDonald's more feminine. I'd rather kiss him.
--Iove me. You want to hug me.
You want to smooch me.
Enjoy the rest of your night.
Gracie, you look so tired.
Oh, she had a busy night.
I saw that gentleman stop by the room.
Gentleman?
-No men in the room. -It's different on the mainland.
Hold on, ladies. Let's hear her side of the story.
You sleeping with a judge?
Oh, that guy?
No, no, I was dating him for a little while because...
...he said he had an incurable disease.
I didn't realize it was stupidity.
Oh, I know what that's like.
He is such a pathetic loser.
I'm sorry he's obsessed with me, but at some point it's like, "Hello!"
"Move on! Get over yourself!"
His ego is this big.
But his equipment is like this big!
Good cover! We worked that out together.
Use it for a needle.
Back to work. Get ready for the Alamo.
Thank you. Thank you.
And welcome to the Miss United States Preliminary...
...here at the beautiful and historical Alamo!
Prepare for what promises to be...
...a day of astounding musical, theatrical and dancing talent.
And after I'm finished, you can see the ladies.
Oh, yes!
And now, put it together...
...for Miss Mary Jo Wright from Texas!
What's her talent, bartending?
I made it very clear you weren't responsible for making her credible.
I wish I could explain...
...but there are no words.
Eagle-Eye.
You might want to check out cowboy at : .
My : or your : ?
The one under the white Stetson.
There's Stetsons everywhere.
He's moving, he's moving.
-Toward the stage. -Hold on, we're checking it out.
Guys, he has a gun. He has a gun.
Who's got the on the shooter?
I'm taking him out.
Wait for a visual!
Gun! Gun! Everybody down!
Better up to them, don't you think?
In a bizarre incident at the Miss United States Preliminaries...
...the contestant from New Jersey leapt off-stage...
...and tackled a man in the crowd who was trying to light a cigarette.
She's here with me right now.
What were you thinking when you jumped off the stage?
All the contestants are actively involved in ending tobacco dependence.
I think the gentleman will think twice before he lights up again.
I'm sure we all will.
-Look, he had a gun. -Of course.
This is Texas, everyone has a gun.
My florist has a gun.
I don't have a gun.
My ancestors were Quakers.
Stan, please!
We assume any man with a weapon is a suspect.
We got the DNA results.
The envelope from the Citizen was licked by a woman.
There's never been DNA before.
He slipped up, or I should say "she."
This is preposterous.
You people are completely clueless.
If I ran my pageant like this, we'd be holding it in someone's basement!
Every operation is bound to have its screwups.
As far as I can see, she's still with us.
Oh, God!
Could I have a moment alone with Miss Hart, please?
Sure.
Just for a tiny minute.
We'll just be a moment. Shop talk.
Hair, gel, mousse.
Look, I know I made a mistake. I'm sorry.
I've been fighting all my life against your type.
The ones who think we're a bunch of worthless airheads.
You know who I mean.
Feminists...
...intellectuals...
...ugly women.
I refuse to give in to their cynicism.
That's why I have dedicated my entire life to this scholarship.
No one's going to ruin that.
Not this year.
You get in my way, I will kill you.
Do you understand?
Yeah.
Yes.
Frank!
The interview is the single most important part of the pageant.
It accounts for % of your total score.
What's the other %, cleavage?
Is this your idea of doing final preps on the convention center?
Look. Liberace's got her in a nice evening gown.
McDonald called. He saw Hart's anti- smoking commercial. He's on his way.
Good, perfect. I'd hate for him to fire me over the phone.
I can't believe this!
It'll be ugly.
No shit.
I gotta do something. I'm gonna go do laps.
We'll go over tomorrow's assignments.
You got it.
Hands folded. ..
...ankles crossed.
Neck up!
And remember, smile.
Smilers wear a crown, losers wear a frown.
I would so love to hurt you right now.
As long as you smile.
Now....
Why is New Jersey called...
...the Garden State?
You can't fit "Oil and petrochemical refinery state" on a license plate?
I don't appreciate your immaturity...
...when I'm working as hard as I am.
What's the big deal? It's fixed, I'm in the Top Five.
Congratulations to me.
Is that enough? Have you no pride in yourself, in your presentation?
I'm an FBI agent, right? I'm not a performing monkey in heels.
You're also a person, and an incomplete one at that!
In place of friends and relationships, you have sarcasm and a gun.
Oh, I have sarcasm?
When every word that comes out of your mouth is dripping with disdain?
That is because I am a miserable, grumpy elitist, and that works for me.
I don't have relationships because I don't want them.
And I don't have friends because I work - .
And you have no idea why I am the way that I am.
As we're practicing interviews, why are you the way you are?
None of your damn business.
The judges probably have never heard that before.
We have more to do here.
No, we are finished.
Finished?
-Give me a on Matthews. -Be advised he's at the pool.
"How do you feel about gun control?"
Favorable.
Thought I'd let you know I was quitting. Take care.
Hold on. Wait a minute.
-What do you mean? -I mean, you got the wrong girl.
All right?
I do not need this now.
That's what I'm saying! I'm totally screwing up in there!
I don't feel like a real agent anymore.
I mean, Vic says this thing that's so....
I don't care what he said, you know? I don't care.
Because I am the job...
...and I'm okay with that. You're the job?
Yeah, I'm the job. We're all the job.
Then what's wrong with me?
I date. I know everyone thinks I haven't had a date in years.
Is that what you think?
I think you date.
Damn right I do.
But both times it was screwed up.
I don't even care. All I want to do...
...is my job.
For the last three days I feel like I'm completely lost.
I've been waiting five years to run my own op.
-Would I blow it on the wrong girl? -You picked me...
...because I looked good and wasn't on maternity leave.
No, that's why they let me pick you. Know why?
-Lost a bet. -You're smart...
...and funny and you're easy to talk to when you're unarmed.
Give yourself a break and cut Vic some slack.
Because if they see what I see, then...
...they'll love you.
So, what do you say?
I won't let you down.
Good, that's what I want to hear.
In all honesty, I might let you down.
But I'll try my best not to.
Do not mess with the dress.
Oh, Vic is gonna kill you.
You in big trouble.
Why? You fell.
-You look good wet. -Shut up!
Whoa, guys, Hart's in the dressing room. Come on.
-You see the legs on that girl? -Who's your daddy?
Those better be candy dishes!
Turn around.
Open.
This guy's like an inch from death!
But what a way to go!
-Break it up. Nothing to see. -What do you mean?
She's a federal agent.
Guess it's time to apply at my local Hooters.
Hemorrhoid ointment? You think the judges will look that closely?
It's for the baggies under your eyes.
Really?
Good, hair spray. Finally something I recognize.
What are you doing?
It stops the suit from riding up.
Riding up where?
Just up!
That's enough!
Why do you make things hard?
I can see this is an incredibly embarrassing situation for you.
Why does Georgia get to wear a one-piece and I have to wear this?!
If you can do this, then you can convince anyone that you belong here.
Places, everybody! Let's go!
The Swimsuit Preliminary accounts for % of the total score...
...and tests the grace, athleticism and poise...
...of each lovely woman.
The last time I was naked in public, I came out of a uterus.
I don't have breasts, my thighs-- I should wear a muumuu.
I have avoided this experience all my life.
And here it is. You must achieve a Zen-like state.
Listen to your breathing, feel your heart...
...think of the Dalai Lama.
Texas!
Rhode Island!
New Jersey!
Dalai Lama, Dalai Lama, Dalai Lama....
New York!
California!
I would have to say, world peace.
Definitely, world peace.
That's easy. World peace.
World peace.
What is the one most important thing our society needs?
That would be harsher punishment for parole violators, Stan.
And, world peace.
Thank you, Gracie Lou.
And thank you, Stan.
Cheryl Frasier from Rhode Island.
That was charming. Are you drunk?
Glad you enjoyed it. Now excuse me, I have to go unscrew my smile.
We got a lead.
-The blood test? -Photos.
Cheryl Frasier, with members of a radical animal rights group...
-...involved in bombings. -It's always the quiet ones.
She fits the profile: loner, introverted.
That Cheryl?
Describe your perfect date.
That's a tough one.
I'd have to say April th...
...because it's not too hot, not too cold.
All you need is a light jacket.
Now, there is a hardened criminal.
Maybe she's an accomplice. Maybe she's his inside connection.
That's what you gotta find out.
How?
Buddy up to her, you know, girl talk.
-Girl talk? -Yeah, girl talk.
Sorry, I'm totally drawing a blank.
Leg waxing, fake orgasms, the inability of men to commit.
Why don't you talk to her?
Imagine she's me and you want to know, but I don't want to talk about it.
What would you do?
You want me to beat her?
Why don't you talk to her?
Okay, forget about it. I will go.
Put that back in your ear.
I can't talk girl talk with a guy in my head.
I can't even do it with me in my head.
Girl talk.
Oh, my God!
Hey, Rhode Island, how you doing?
How can you ask that? You heard my interview.
I was like a female Rain Man.
Oh, no, it definitely wasn't Rain Man.
Definitely not Rain Man.
Come and have a midnight snack with me and some...
...girl talk.
Are you crazy? We can't have pizza and beer!
Do you know how many calories you're talking about?
It's light beer and she's gonna throw it up anyway.
Come on.
Come with. No?
No takers? No?
All right, I'll just...
...sit here. You guys go back on your bicycles...
...and I'll sit here with my very large, cheesy pizza.
Oh, look at all that cheese.
Cheryl, don't.
At least scrape off the toppings.
First step, pizza. Second step, flaming batons....
I guess we'll be needing more pizza.
I want another drink!
We're gonna get a drink.
Another round, ladies?
-I can't do another one! -Yes, you can!
This is so weird!
This is my third one and I don't feel a thing!
Really?
Like when I did my interview question.
Don't worry, we all sucked.
You know, I had such a good answer to that question too.
My idea of a perfect date would be a man...
...who takes me to a romantic dinner.
Then we walk along the beach barefoot, discussing books...
...and music and movies!
No wonder you're still a virgin.
Time to paint. Come on.
No, my contacts.
-We'll stay here. -I want more pizza.
We're gonna have more pizza and beer.
Have fun!
-This is so much fun. -Yeah, it's fun.
It's so fun it should be illegal.
Speaking of illegal, have you ever, like...
...committed a crime?
Yes!
Yes, I did.
Go on.
One time I stole red underwear from the department store.
My mother wouldn't buy them!
She said they were Satan's panties.
-So is that it? -Yeah.
Oh, there was this one thing in college...
...with my Lit professor.
One day I came to his office. He said he wanted to discuss a paper I wrote.
He wanted to discuss a paper, right?
Hey, can I get another one of these tubie things?
Yeah, can we get another tubie?
Anyway, he attacked me.
Cheryl, did you report him?
No, I never told anyone before this.
I know that happens all the time.
No, it doesn't! Cheryl, it doesn't.
There are so many maneuvers that I could show you.
Really?
Yeah! Come on, get up.
I want you to firmly plant your feet.
I'm gonna move the chair.
Now if someone comes at you--
She's completely trashed.
We should get her back before Miss Morningside finds out.
Kathy's got a boot up her ass about something.
I don't think she ever got over those rumors.
Come again?
Her pageant years she was a runner-up.
But then the winner mysteriously got food poisoning.
Bizarro!
No, Stan told me she got a letter a few weeks back from the network...
...and they're firing her too!
She threw a chair out the window!
We gotta go. Come on.
I got people here waiting for confirmation.
Don't tell me I don't understand.
I hate when I don't see a wet paint sign.
Stop it. Listen.
-Can't hear you, took out my earpiece. -I have a lead and it's not Cheryl.
Forget it. They bagged the Citizen.
What? Where?
It's confirmed.
He was holing up in a shack in Nevada.
Place had enough C to make a new Grand Canyon.
Let's pack up and get out of here.
Sir, I need to talk to you. One second of your time.
Hear me out a second.
I feel the situation bears further scrutiny and our continued presence.
Do you have paint in your ears? We caught the guy!
I respect what you're saying. I'd say the same to me...
...but what if we were wrong?
What if the Citizen didn't send it? What if it was a copycat?
The letter didn't follow the normal pattern.
The linguistic scheme was uncharacteristic...
...and the DNA said it was a woman!
Maybe he got his girlfriend to lick the envelope.
I think we have reason to monitor Morningside.
Why don't you jump on her dressed like a Bavarian fruitcake?
You're the reason I had to drag myself down here...
...and I don't want to hear anymore!
You're absolutely right, sir. Not another damn word.
Thank you.
But she's getting fired this year, which she didn't tell us.
You're already in enough trouble with the review board.
Yeah, but when she was in the pageant, the only reason she won was...
...because the winner got food poisoning. How bizarro is that?
"Bizarro"?
She threatened me. According to Mary Jo, she has a history of violence.
Who is Mary Jo?
Are you getting your information from a pajama party?
Would you shut up?
You're shutting up enough for both of us.
Is there any reason to suspect Morningside?
No, sir.
There.
I request permission to stay with a small contingent.
Denied.
Then I request permission to stay alone.
You know what, I don't care what you do. You want to stay, stay!
But as a private citizen. Turn in your badge and your gun.
Everybody, I suggest we start packing.
What?
Don't look at me like I betrayed you.
Betrayal implies action. You stood there.
You got nothing to go on.
I know everyone thinks I'm a screwup.
But I feel like I'm in the right place at the right time.
I have to protect those girls. It is my job.
Part of it is following orders.
The other part is using your brain. Throw out the rule book--
I like the book. I like knowing what I can and cannot do.
You're not the only one who lives for the job.
I want to keep mine for the next or years.
Jesus, Hart.
Give it a rest.
Sure, give it a rest.
What are you doing?
Don't do it.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
I can't believe it!
Hi, Mom.
Don't do that!
That slow, creepy thing in the shadows. Your father used to do that.
Mom.
This isn't gonna work.
Why, of course it's going to work.
The feds caught the Citizen. We have no one to pin it on!
Okay, that was bad luck.
But what about all these other letters from terrorist groups threatening us?
"Women's Liberation Front."
"Islamic Jihad." They're not so nuts about the Swimsuit Competition.
Any one of these could have planted a bomb.
When did we get those?
I just finished writing them.
Just like the Citizen letter.
You're a genius.
No, Frank. I'm just pissed off.
Nobody fires me and gets away with it.
They want a newer, hotter show...
...they're gonna get it.
Mom, you're a little scary.
And you're a little bit sloppy.
Tuck your shirt. I don't want to tell you again.
Let's go home, honey.
Mom?
Oops.
-Need a hand, boss? -I got it.
Okay, Vic. Beautify me.
Hair, makeup, shellac, whatever it is you do. That shiny stuff--
Where are you going?
Your Agent McDonald insists that I depart, or I won't be compensated.
No. After the Top ! I am completely on my own.
The FBI is gone, it's not fixed. I need you!
Not anymore. The cocoon is open.
I've taken a woman without a smidgen of estrogen...
...and made her a lady.
-Come on. -I've never been prouder of myself.
Or...
...of any girl I have ever coached.
You are truly unique.
If I ever had a daughter, I imagine that she would be...
...something like you.
Which is why I never reproduced.
I have a really strong feeling something will happen to these girls.
You need to stay for me. Please.
I can't.
But I can leave you this. I was saving it for tonight.
It's your size, I believe.
Good luck to you, Gracie Lou.
It's been a privilege.
No insults today?
You're a Don Ho.
Has anyone seen Gracie? I can't believe she missed dress rehearsal.
Maybe she couldn't take the pressure. She ate four slices last night.
We all saw her glasses performance. She is not making the Top !
I overslept my beauty sleep.
-Do you need help? -No, I'm fine.
I wonder which one of these...
...is lipstick.
Ladies!
Good luck, ladies! Keep it moving. Let's go!
Looking good, ladies.
Will you go back to the mothership?
As long as you go with me, Tex-Ass.
Let's go, Pennsylvania, New Jersey, Texas....
I can't open the goddamn bottle.
Have a good show. You guys excited?
Where are you going?
I forgot my breasts. Hold on, I'll be back.
Going live.
In five, four, three....
It's the th Annual Miss United States Pageant. ..
...live from San Antonio, Texas!
Good. That's the one I use at home.
And your host for the evening, Stan Fields!
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen!
And welcome to a night of beauty, talent and poise.
I'm not just talking about my cohost...
...Kathy Morningside!
-Hello, Kathy. -Stan, you charmer.
But you forgot to mention "incredible intelligence."
That was incredibly stupid of me. How can I make it up?
By helping me to announce the Top ...
...chosen based on their performance during the preliminaries this week.
Here's the envelope.
Thank you, Scott. Ladies, hold your breath.
Hawaii!
And we're following. Come in for that reaction.
-Go to two. -Going to two.
California!
New York!
Alaska!
Texas!
New Jersey!
Oh, shit!
That was graceful.
That must have hurt.
But she's up and at it.
And last but not least, Rhode Island.
And there they are! This year's Top finalists.
The Top have been chosen.
We'll be right back with tonight's Swimsuit Competition.
I checked out Kathy Morningside.
-Anything? -Not even a traffic ticket.
Model citizen. Beauty contestant, pageant director, loving mom.
-She's married? -Widow. One son.
A sniveling, obsequious weasel of a human being.
-You know her son? -So do you. It's Frank.
-Her assistant? -Asshole Frank?
One and the same.
She never mentioned anything. Anything come up on the CCH?
Nothing on Frank Tobin.
There wouldn't be. His name is Morningside.
He changed it to cover his many indiscretions.
Wait. How do you know that?
I've been around this pageant for many years.
I could shock you with the intimate details I'm privy to.
Good job! Good job
I got you something.
I couldn't--
You ate pizza, you stole panties, you're wild.
We worked on this, remember?
You're gonna be great.
-Can I see your ticket? -Federal officer.
I'm with him.
Gentlemen, you can't go in--
Victor!
He's with me.
Wait. I'm not "with him" with him.
Come on, muffin.
Thank you! She certainly lit my fire.
Now you can wear Satan's panties!
-Hey, Hart. -What are you doing here?
I think you might have been right. Frank is Kathy Morningside's son.
Disgusting, perverted Frank?
He cleared under another name. I ran a new CCH.
DUl, assault, even a weapons charge.
Are we doing full deployment?
McDonald didn't want to hear about it. It's just us.
Good show, Mr. Tobin.
You're up next, New Jersey.
I gotta get my glasses.
Hey! You're drinking my talent!
You got to make it into the Top Five!
-Can you whistle? -No!
-Make hand puppets? -No!
I had a girl who rearranged furniture.
You said all I have is sarcasm and a gun.
That and a right hook.
And now, the musical stylings of Gracie Lou Freebush.
Good evening.
The program says I'm supposed to play the water glasses for you...
...but the girls got dehydrated.
No water glasses?
You want me to go to a commercial?
No, stay on her. Go with it.
I believe no woman should be without a basic knowledge of self-defense.
So in order to show you this, I'm gonna need a little help.
I would like to bring out my assistant, Eric Bob.
More changes? Follow her. Stay on her.
--how to inflict damage with the least amount offorce.
In some cases, your attacker might come at you in a frontal assault.
Use the heel of your hand and thrust.
This will cause the nose to break and your assailant's eyes to tear...
...giving you a chance to get away.
All right. Let's say your assailant comes at you from behind.
Attack me!
Little Eric looks a little scared.
Maybe he needs a little applause.
She's kicking his ass!
You were the best queen ever.
Thank you, that is so sweet.
Ladies, give Lori some room to breathe.
Go on, now.
You need some powder.
You don't have to hold the crown all night.
My God, that is disgraceful.
Frank!
Take this to the prop master. See if you can't get it to shine.
If all else fails, go for the four sensitive areas of the body.
But just remember to "sing."
S-I-N-G.
Solar plexus, Instep...
...Nose, Groin!
Sing.
Cue Stan.
Welcome to the Garden State!
When we return, we'll find out who those lucky Final Five are.
Let's go find Frank.
Take left. I'll take this side.
No. Evening gown, now.
Ladies! In one moment, five of you...
... will be one step closer to the crown.
And one of those five...
...is...
...California!
Leslie Williams is a music major.
She believes in the healing power of music. Loves opera, reggae...
...and, like any true California girl, the Beach Boys.
Rhode Island!
Cheryl Frasier is a science major. Her field is...
...nuclear fission with a minor in elementary particles.
Nebraska!
For Kelly Beth Kelly, all the world is a stage.
A theater major...
...she helps run a drama program for underprivileged children.
New Jersey!
Gracie Lou Freebush hopes to become a pediatrician.
Gracie, it's you. Go!
Her hobbies include figure skating, water ballet...
...and taking long, luxurious bubble baths.
You go, Gracie Lou.
And our fifth finalist:
Texas!
Mary Jo Wright is a psychology major.
In her spare time, she works in a homeless shelter...
...and eats Mexican food.
Thank you, ladies. You were magnificent.
I want all the lesbians to know...
...if I can make it to the Top so can you!
Big out to Brooklyn! Yo!
Get her off of there!
Go to Stan!
Tina, I love you, baby!
I love you, Karen!
And we'll be right back with our final five lesbians. Interviews.
Bumper. Commercial. Can we say "lesbians"?
You got a problem with that?
In a way, America is like a big ship.
When we work together and respect each other...
...that's when the ship gets safely home.
Terrific answer.
Damn it.
New Jersey.
As you may know, there are many who consider...
...the Miss United States pageant to be outdated and antifeminist.
What would you say to them?
Oh, my God.
I would have to say, I used to be one of them.
And then I came here...
...and I realized that...
...these women are smart, terrific people...
...who are just trying to make a difference in the world.
We've become really good friends.
I know we all secretly hope the other one will trip and fall on her face--
Wait a minute! I've already done that!
For me, this experience has been one of the most rewarding...
...and liberating experiences of my life.
My God.
I did it.
And if anyone...
...anyone...
...tries to hurt one of my new friends...
...I would take them out.
I would make them suffer so much, they'd wish they were never born.
And if they ran, I would hunt them down.
Thank you, Kathy.
A brief, shining moment, and then that mouth.
Helps if you pull it out.
Good luck, ladies.
I wanted to rub the crown for luck.
Frank took it to get it polished.
I'll have it by the time they announce the winner.
My God! It's the crown!
Yes, it is. You can taste it now--
No, no, no!
Not the-- This in the--
Finale positions.
Yes. Wear the crown. Be the crown. You are the crown.
And now, the moment of truth and beauty.
The envelope, please.
What?
A lot of tension.
The fourth runner-up is...
...California!
The third runner-up is...
...Nebraska!
-Am I in danger here? -Wait here.
The second runner-up is Texas!
Drop it!
I mean it! Drop it!
This is it.
The moment.
One of these two ladies will wear the crown.
Listen to me!
I'm gonna reach for my badge slow.
You do, and you're dead.
The first runner-up...
...who will have to take the winner's place if, for any reason...
...she cannot fulfill her duties is:
New Jersey! Which means...
...our new Miss United States is:
Don't take the crown.
Rhode Island's Cheryl Frasier!
Don't take the crown. Trust me.
She's beauty and she's grace
She's queen of states She's elegance and taste
She's Miss United States
Hold your crown up high
Raise it to the sky
Jersey's gone berserk!
Get her off the stage!
Hold your crown up high
Raise it to the sky
She stands for all that's good
She loves her neighborhood
She's friends with everyone she meets
She's beauty and she's grace
She's queen of states
She's elegance and taste
She's Miss United States
Gracie!
She's Miss United States.
Okay.
Good show, everybody.
I was right in the middle of my song!
You got nothing on me. This is ridiculous.
Where you're going, they'd love to meet a former beauty queen.
When he says meet, he means M-E-A-T.
Miss Hart, you don't understand.
All I'm guilty of is trying to make the world a more beautiful place.
Look at yourself.
When I met you, Dennis Rodman looked better in a dress.
But now you're a lady! I did that.
Vic did that, and a team of highly specialized federal manicurists...
...and people who make you beautiful.
Get in the car.
You think you saved something.
All you did was to destroy the dream of young women all over the country.
Their dream is to get blown up?
You got a good shot at that insanity plea.
I earned it!
Years of bitching beauty queens and what do I get?
Fired! They steal my life, they steal my beauty pageant.
It is not a beauty pageant. It is a scholarship program.
Yeah, yeah.
"Yes."
Enjoy running the Miss San Antonio Women's Correctional Facility Pageant!
Get it? The Women's Correctional--
That was good work.
Right back at you.
So, how does it feel?
Throwing the rule book out of the window?
Pretty good, actually.
I was thinking...
...when we get back...
...after we write up our reports and you get all ugly again...
...maybe we could have dinner?
What? You asking me out on a date?
No. Just a casual dinner.
If we happen to have sex afterwards, so be it.
You think I'm gorgeous.
You want to date me...
...love me and marry me.
A part of you is gonna miss this.
The heels. They do something for my posture.
I'm suddenly very aware and proud of my breasts.
-Funny, me too. -Agent Matthews! Gracie!
Thank God you're still here.
There's been an emergency.
Somebody found some sort of incendiary device.
Come on, quickly!
Excuse me. FBI.
She saved the pageant, she saved our lives, and here she is!
That's not gonna work for me.
I can't go up there!
It was his idea, Gracie Lou.
I'd never get you here unless you could shoot someone.
You'll get yours, Henry Higgins.
Come on!
Ladies and gentlemen, agent Gracie Hart of the FBI!
Not so fast!
Because even though you're a federal officer...
...to us, you will always be Gracie Lou Freebush.
The nicest, sweetest, coolest girl at the pageant...
...and this year's Miss Congeniality!
I don't know what to say.
Except for...
...I can't wear this at work.
I never thought anything like this would happen to me.
I kind of hoped it wouldn't. But now that it has...
...I just want to say that...
...I'm very...
...very honored.
And...
...moved.
And...
...truly touched.
And...
...I really do want world peace.