Voila! Finally, the Mobsters And Mormons
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Mobsters And Mormons. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
Hundred bucks a plate.
They cannot pour
a decent cup of coffee.
Your refined palate for coffee.
Coffee is coffee already.
Really?
Take a sip.
Doesn't it taste like garbage?
l don't know how garbage tastes.
lt tastes like cof...
Shut up.
But l have smelled garbage,
and l'll tell you what--
this here coffee--
it smells like coffee.
Let's do this thing, huh?
l'm hearing that someone
lifted jewelry from a heist
the other day.
You know about that?
l don't know...
Don't lie to me
like l'm Judge Judy!
Young people today
take no responsibility.
lt's the decline
of the two-parent household.
What are you talking about?
My old man left when l was ten.
l turned out fine.
This kid's just a punk.
Okay.
Okay, okay.
l lifted a couple of necklaces,
but l still got 'em, l swear.
l got a buddy.
He's keeping 'em in the safe.
All right,
you're taking us there.
l don't want no more, uh,
little fandangos here.
Wrap up our package.
With what?
Do l care with what?
Rope, chain, whatever.
What, his cumberbund?
We don't got nothing.
You just told us about this.
But if you'd have told us...
l'll send you an e-mail next time!
We're in a commercial
establishment, right?
Find a utility closet.
They got rope, string.
l think he'd be perfect.
His name is Carlo.
The eyes, the hair.
-Where you been?
-What do you care?
Who is it this week?
lt's Connie Tadero's sister.
Can l ask you something?
l don't want to disturb...
No.
How are you?
-Not bad.
-How you been?
Um, give us a minute.
Please.
Look at this.
l got a plate of gravy
and no macaroni.
My wife's idea.
Low-carb diet.
Oh, yeah.
l tell ya, l meet Dr. Atkins,
l'm gonna kill him.
So, how's that thing?
That thing is good.
We're taking care of it now.
Good, good, good.
Now listen, Beans, not for nuthin',
but you know l think you're aces.
You're one of my best earners.
Thanks, Angelo.
l always saw you as kind
of a father to me, you know?
That's why l want you
to hear it from me first.
l'm making Mickey Valecci
the new captain.
That's, uh...good.
Mickey's good people.
l knew l could count
on your support.
Yeah, well, you're like
a father to me.
l'll take care of that thing now.
Uh huh.
-Enjoy your meat.
-All right, Beans.
Hey, l found some duct tape.
l said to make sure
he doesn't go anywhere,
not wrap him like a Cuban cigar!
You said, ''Wrap.''
lt was a figure of speech!
Why is he in his underwear?
The tux has to be back;
he used his mom's credit card.
l'll drop it off on the way;
it's no big deal.
We kidnap him
and make stops along the way?
Brilliant!
How you gonna get him out?
How can he walk
looking like a mummy?
He can hop.
Show the man your hop.
Go on. Hop up and down
or l'll stab you in the leg.
l mean it!
He can hop.
We got Carmine ''The Beans'' Pasquale
and his crew
with Jimmy Amoroso in the trunk.
l think we're the ones
that get a big gift.
Attention: Crappy Mart shoppers,
the store is closed.
Oh, what is this?
You, let's go.
l'm buying smokes.
Smokin'll kill you or l will.
Now beat it.
What's going on?
Where's the safe?
-You robbing me?
-No, that's already been done.
We're here to take back what's ours.
l want you guys to know l didn't
have nothin' to do with of this.
Asalamalakem.
Bada-bingo!
Aw, you broke my safe, dog!
Oh gees.
FBl! Freeze!
l'm not doin' nuthin'.
All right. Okay.
Look, Carmine, kidnapping,
accessory to a jewelry heist,
coupled out with your rap sheet,
you're looking at years.
Twenty-five...
Unless you want to play ball.
l could do years
standing on my head, boys.
As l'm sure you could.
You know, Carmine,
l've got to be honest,
lt's devastating.
Tragic.
lf Angelo Marcello is worried
you'll talk, he might hear
you're upset about getting
passed over for promotion.
You know how rumors fly.
Like rockets.
To the moon.
Do you take your show
on the road?
Go to schools?
Keep kids off drugs?
Because your little puppet show,
very entertaining.
Yeah?
Who do you think is pulling strings?
Clearly, Angelo Marcello
is pulling the strings.
And if he thinks
that you're talking,
you're going to be doing
a lot more time six feet under.
Unless, unless, and l'm just
thinking out loud here, but um...
unless you actually do talk,
then we can at least help you out.
Six accused members
of the Marcello crime family,
including mafia boss
Angelo Marcello,
were found guilty today
of twelve counts of extortion
and racketeering.
Prosecutors credited the victory
to testimony of longtime
Marcello crime family member,
Carmine ''The Beans'' Pasquale.
Pasquale is now believed
to have entered
the Federal Witness
Protection Program.
Let's go live...
...not being able to see
her great-grandson no more,
Grandma Florentino
is gonna be heartbroken.
Oh, please!
When she came from the old country,
the statue said,
''Give me your tired, your poor,
your huddled masses...''
Know why they huddled?
She was beatin' the crap out of
everybody with that wooden spoon.
You know what, Carmine?
The place may change,
but you'll always be a jerk.
Will you guys shut up?
Oh! You do not talk
to me like that.
You know what this is?
Rap music.
lt breeds disrespect like a fungus.
The names these guys have:
Slim Shady, Puff Daddy.
He goes by P-Diddy for short.
For short?
Why?
lt takes all day to say ''Puff''?
Oh! l'm exhausted.
Look who's talking about names.
They call you Carmine ''The Beans.''
Yes, because l grind
my own beans for coffee.
A nickname has to be married...
What?
You're no longer known
as ''Carmine The Beans.''
You're George,
Linda, and Patrick Cheeseman.
Cheeseman.
What is that, French?
Who's Patrick? Who's George?
Because l ain't no ''George.''
l ain't no ''George,'' either.
l think Linda's a beautiful name.
l always wished my mother
had named me Linda.
Should've named you
''Chatty Kathy.''
l ain't no ''Patrick.''
They call you ''Pat'' for short.
''Pat'' is a girl's name,
and l ain't no name
that goes both ways.
Look, we have driver's licenses,
birth certificates, bankcards,
social security cards,
and supermarket rewards cards.
They're all made out to George,
Patrick, and Linda Cheeseman.
Well then, l'm going by ''Rick,''
because l ain't no ''Pat.''
So, Agent Banks, where we moving to?
Mr. and Mrs. Cheeseman,
l'm Special Agent Tuttle.
Welcome to Utah.
Okay, the arrangements
have been made for you
to stay in a hotel tonight,
then provide you with a vehicle.
How many wives you got?
You're not a Mormon?
l am. The Church hasn't
practiced polygamy for years.
lt's the offshoot groups
that still have plural wives.
You'd have to shoot me.
Having one is bad enough.
lt'd be nice to have more than one.
Give me a break from you.
l'll grab your bags.
We're right out here.
Take a break.
-Fine.
-Go ahead.
Find me somebody else.
Preferably someone without
a mustache and a bad attitude.
This looks like
a whole lot of nothing.
Actually, it was a desert wasteland
when the Mormon Pioneers
arrived in July of .
Under the leadership
of President Brigham Young,
the entire area...
You work for the Park Service
or the FBl?
Patrick, there's a lot to do...
lt's Rick!
There's a lot to do
just a day's drive from here.
We've got the Grand Canyon,
there's Hollywood, Disneyland...
Disneyland.
My old man promised to take me
and you know what?
Took off and never came back.
l haven't had much desire
to visit there ever since.
l'm afraid it'll bring up
too much repressed anger.
Yeah?
So, take a Prozac
like a normal person.
So, what's the neighborhood
we're moving into like?
l received a page.
l have a family emergency.
We'd like
to excuse Bishop Harrison
who's had to attend to
a very important family matter.
Our concluding speaker will be
Brother Chris Moore.
Brother Moore.
-lt's okay.
-Hang on, Brother Moore.
Let me try and get this
a little higher for you.
Brothers and sisters,
l'm grateful for the opportunity
to stand before you this...
Hang on.
lt's moving, it's good.
lt's coming.
Thank you.
Sorry to hear
about Bishop Harrison's dad.
When are they leaving
for the funeral?
First thing in the morning.
They're worried about how his mom's
going to handle the farm alone.
He'll be gone - weeks
to sort things out.
With the bishop gone, does that mean
we won't have church?
No, sweetie,
with the bishop gone,
your daddy's first counselor
to the bishop and he'll be in charge.
He certainly had things
under control today, didn't he?
Thanks for the support there, Jewels.
Anytime, bro.
Exactly when are your parents
getting back from the Philippines?
Two years, ten months.
You got a countdown?
Technically she is my aunt,
but l despise her like a sister.
There's a ''SOLD'' sign
on the Cooper house.
When did that happen?
l don't know.
lt has been vacant for a while.
Be nice to have someone in there.
He had eight stitches.
Yes, l just got off
the phone with his wife.
With Bishop Harrison gone
for who knows how long,
the inmates are running
the asylum.
Michael James in charge?
Please.
Mom.
Sister Johnson's on the phone.
Hold on, Robin.
Mary Jo, did you hear?
Eight stitches.
What? Are you sure?
When?
Run to the Cooper's house and see
if there's a ''SOLD'' sign.
Mom.
l wonder who's moving in.
This place is a shoebox!
lt's a great house, George.
We got a satellite, right?
Actually, we cover the house,
but amenities are extra.
The government pays three grand
for a military toilet seat,
but they can't pop for HBO?
l can't believe it.
Why not send us to the Amish?
Because they sent us
to the Mormons.
Yeah, same difference.
Honestly, no, it's not.
Right--because the Amish wear
black shirts and ride in buggies,
but the Mormons wear white shirts
and ride bikes.
Completely different.
Okay. Look, George...
l hate that name.
Mr. Cheeseman.
Worse.
This right here is
your first month's stipend.
You'll get a few more
until you're on your feet.
What do l do for a ride?
You'll get that red minivan.
Are you kidding me?
-l think it's real cute.
-You would.
You drove an AMC Pacer when we met.
l loved it.
l was heartbroken when it got stolen.
You still think it got stole?
l paid Butch bucks to drive it
into the river.
Why are you complaining?
l bought you a new lroc-Z.
Oh!
Hi.
l'm Chris Moore.
These clowns are stealing my stuff!
We're your neighbors.
We're just here to help.
Oh.
Don't break nuthin'.
George, you've got to understand
people here are friendlier
than what you're normally used to.
Yeah, here two days, and no one
has flipped us the bird.
l don't want friendly.
l just want to be left alone.
-Hi.
-Hi.
l wanted to welcome you
to the neighborhood.
Thank you.
Please come in.
Thanks.
Um, l'm Louise Means.
l'm Linda Cheeseman.
This is my husband, George.
Nice to meet you, George.
These are for you.
Thank you. Have a seat.
Oh, thanks.
So, where did you move from?
Omaha, Nebraska.
You have a slight Eastern accent.
We're from the eastern side.
So, anything you want to know about
the neighborhood or the neighbors?
l got a question.
You're not going to come knocking
on my door : AM Saturday, are you?
Why would somebody do that?
Come on. l know you people.
lt's what you do.
You go door-to-door,
knock, knock, knock,
talking to people,
preaching your Mormon Bible.
Meanwhile, inside are staying down
trying not to make a noise,
so you think we're not home.
So, you're not members?
Members of what?
Louise hasn't wasted any time
burning up the phone lines
letting people know
they're not members of the Church.
l just hope
she hasn't offended them.
We'll do a little damage control.
We'll show them the rest of us
are just regular, normal people.
Um, we can see you've got a lot
of unpacking to do.
We didn't want to intrude.
We just wanted to come over and
introduce ourselves--say ''Hello.''
No, it's no intrusion;
it's very nice of yous.
Something to drink?
Oh no.
No, let us get you something.
Okay, great.
Thank you.
l'll get you a beer.
Uh, no.
That's okay.
You said okay.
All right.
Whatever.
How bout you, Toots?
Um, no, no,
l'm fine thanks.
What're you thinking?
She's not going to be drinking
while she's pregnant.
Why not? You did.
Actually, we don't drink at all...
alcohol.
-ls that a Mormon thing?
-Yes, we don't drink alcohol.
We got coffee.
Hey, that website l would get
my imported coffee from,
what was that called?
l don't know.
l'll Google it.
lt's okay, because we don't
drink coffee, either.
We'll, go to the kiddy menu.
l'll get you a Coke;
and you a Diet Coke.
You're not going to believe this.
Um, there's some members
of our church that um,
choose to drink cola drinks,
but Michael and l, we happen
to not drink cola drinks.
What do you do
for liquid refreshment?
What, is your mother
still nursing you?
Thank you so much.
Yeah.
Goodnight.
Goodnight.
Nice to meet yous.
Thanks, you too.
Bye-bye.
That was interesting.
Yep.
Uh, hello, ma'am.
l'm Rick Cheeseman.
We just moved in down the street.
l'm Blanche Brinkerhoff.
Nice to meet you.
Blanche, Louise Means
is on the phone.
l'll call her back.
l was just walking around
meeting the neighbors and uh,
l was wondering,
do you know those people
with the satellite dish?
That's Bishop Harrison's.
l knocked, but nobody answered.
They're out of town.
Really? l see.
Hey, you wouldn't happen
to have a ladder
and some power tools, would ya?
l still have homework.
Which you wouldn't have
if you hadn't been on the phone.
lf l still lived in California,
l could see my friends
and not worry
about making time for phone calls.
And making time to get up earlier
to do your homework,
because now it's time for bed.
Good night.
l hate this place!
You know, we need
to make an effort and reach out.
Really?
l was thinking more along the lines
of a padded room with a big lock,
and the only contact is to slide food
through this tiny, little slot.
What?
l'm talking about dealing
with your sister and her attitude.
l was talking about the Cheesemans
and their not being members.
What do you mean?
Well, l've just been thinking.
l know what it feels like
to be the minority.
My dad moves us down to the South,
and suddenly, l'm the only Mormon
in a high school filled with
born-again Christians.
l mean, l was voted
most likely to burn in hell.
l think dealing with your sister
comes in close second
to eternal damnation.
Didn't l get you Dr. Phil's book
on teenagers?
You said were going to open it.
''Ten Stupid Things Women Do
to Mess Up Their Lives.''
Seriously honey, l know
she's your sister, and l love her.
l do; but something has to be done.
Okay. All right.
l'll, uh, l'll talk to her.
l promise, l'll...
A little tough love.
-You will?
-Sure.
Okay.
Thanks.
And about the Cheesemans,
why don't l call Linda tomorrow
and see if they want
to come to dinner?
Yes, yes. Good.
That would be nice.
l just, l don't know,
l gotta do something,
with the bishop gone--
gotta step it up a notch.
Don't worry.
You're doing a great job.
Don't stress.
The Cheesemans will fit in
just fine.
Excuse me, uh.
How you doin'?
That's my paper.
Oh yeah. Here you go.
You live here?
Yeah.
Yeah.
We're neighbors...over there.
That...house.
Yeah, well uh, my wife and l
were thinking about coming
over tonight or sometime or...
Do you mind, uh?
What? Oh yeah.
Sure.
That blonde girl.
That's your wife?
Nice.
Hey, you got one like that,
who needs twelve?
Ugh, this coffee is awful!
Really?
What do you mean ''really?''
You think l'm lyin'?
Nah, l believe you.
No, no you don't.
You're questioning me.
lt wasn't a question.
lf there was a stenographer here
writing down our little
jovial repartee here,
she would have typed, ''Really''
with a question mark.
l've had a lot of stuff
read back to me
that l said
that l didn't remember saying.
l meant l was surprised
that it was bad.
How could you?
Don't you drink it?
Nah, l don't drink coffee.
Let me guess.
You're Mormon.
Yeah.
Maybe that's why
Mormons don't drink it.
Because no one knows how
to make a good cup.
You know what, just give me
the paper and a Pick Six.
A pick six of what?
Numbers.
Winners.
You've got to be kidding me.
Besides not making good coffee,
Utah ain't got no lottery either.
They got no horse track.
They got no lottery.
They got nuthin' up here.
How far away is Vegas?
l don't know, but don't talk
about Vegas.
These people are the good,
church-goin' type.
That's another thing.
l'll go in there, l'll eat
their crappy, white-bread food,
but l ain't holdin' hands,
and l ain't singin' no ''Kumbaya.''
Take those off.
These people invite us to dinner.
You're gonna be pleasant.
l'm just sayin', if they bring out
the Bible Pictionary--gone.
A perfect game for you;
no words--all pictures.
That's very funny.
-Let me tell you something.
-Let me tell you...
Hi.
The kids are already started.
Everybody, this is
the Cheeseman family.
Uh, George, Linda, their son Rick.
Kepi, Laura, a couple of friends.
How ya doin'?
Nice to meet yous.
You remember Kate.
Hi, so glad you could make it.
And uh, several
of the children here.
We've got more
running around here someplace.
Shocker!
Hey, we brought you somethin'.
Oh, thanks.
You shouldn't have, really.
-We wanted to.
-lt's not booze or nuthin'.
Yoohoo!
You shake it.
-lt's good, right?
-Yeah.
So George, what did you do
in Omaha before the move?
l was in waste management.
Then that's what
brought you out here?
ln a manner of speaking, yeah.
How 'bout you, big guy?
What's your story?
How's that?
l haven't seen black people in Utah.
Did you get lost
on your way to somewhere?
No.
l'm not black; l'm Tongan.
l don't keep up with the
whole politically correct thing.
You know, l mean,
first you're Negroes.
Then you're blacks.
Now you're African Americans.
Now you're the Tongans?
l don't think it's as catchy--
whatever.
No.
l mean l'm from Tonga.
lt's a South Pacific island.
Oh, like ''Survivor.''
l love that show.
l bet it's very clean there.
We moved here
for my husband's health.
The air is better.
Yeah, there's no cigarette smoke.
Let me ask yous, is that like
the body is a temple sort of thing?
What's that?
The no smoking.
Oh yeah, yeah.
lt's a health code
that the Church practices.
l'll tell you something.
l have seen some of the biggest,
chunkiest people
l have ever seen in my life
waddling around Utah.
That was rude to say!
That's not rude.
lt's just, it's the truth.
You've given up smokes;
you've given up booze.
Maybe should think
about giving up baked goods.
Chungaloones over here.
We should have made fruit salad.
No, no.
l don't mean yous.
Fifty, a hundred pounds overweight,
that's not a big deal.
l am talking about fat people.
People walk down the street,
and you go, ''Fat guy!''
Look at this guy.
He is a fat guy.
Guy on Jerry Springer-- pounds.
What does he do for Halloween?
White sheet over his head
and he goes as one of the Alps?
What?
This is Michael with
Bishop Harrison a few years ago.
Let me ask yous two,
are you like what,
assistant ministers?
Well, uh, we're what you call
''counselors to the bishop.''
Like the consigliere.
We also have full time jobs too.
Our work at the church is voluntary.
That's right.
That's right.
l know you don't
have anything lined up yet.
l mean--l could go into work
and talk to my manager about you
if you'd like.
Oh, that'd be great.
This is so nice.
Look at all this you got here.
You even saved your kid's hospital
lD tag from when they was born.
You know what?
lf you're interested,
there are a ton
of scrapbooking stores around here.
lt's really popular.
There's stores where people
come to save their junk?
Oh yeah, they do very well.
Besides, it's not junk.
lt's preserving memories.
Preserving memories?
What are you going to preserve?
What, old cocktail napkins
with guys' phone numbers on 'em?
Okay.
Who wants desert?
Sorry about my dad;
he's kind of got a big mouth.
You know what?
He's hysterical.
My family is so boring with their
domestic-tranquility lifestyle.
Your brother seems like kind of
a cool guy.
Yeah, whatever.
He was my last resort.
l lived in California before my
parent's moved to the Philippines.
My dad had to become
a mission president over there.
So jacked up.
l didn't want to go,
so l had to come here.
Your dad was a mission president.
What's that?
Those guys that come to your door
to talk about the Mormon Church.
-Mormon missionaries.
-Yeah.
Well, the mission president
is the really old guy in charge
of all those young guys.
l thought it would be cool
to give the Mormons
the Jehovah's Witnesses' addresses
and the Jehovah's Witnesses
the Mormons' addresses.
Have 'em go at it--
like religion's version
of the Bloods and the Crips.
-Do you ski?
-No.
l might do something,
if l don't want to die of boredom.
At least you have a satellite
dish to entertain you.
You saw that?
Your secret's safe with me.
Hey, no boys in the room.
You know the rules.
That was at home.
l didn't know that applied here.
Same family, same rules.
l'm sorry, sir.
l didn't mean to disrespect.
You didn't know.
Listen, we've got cake. Come on.
l'm watching my weight.
Watch it downstairs with us.
Let's go.
Rick, have you thought about
going out for sports
at the high school?
-Uh, no, probably not.
-Really?
You seem like the kind of guy
they could use.
Yeah?
Like what kind of sports?
You know, the regular ones.
Baseball, basketball, wrestling...
Wrestling?
You mean like, you know,
busting heads, fightin'?
Well, it's not like on TV.
No, no, no.
lt's fighting.
The beauty is,
it's sanctioned by the school.
They let you!
Beat the crap out of kids,
and l don't get calls
from some p.o.'d
vice principal sayin',
''Your kid beat up this one,
he threatened this guy over here.''
No fuss.
l'm not involved with you.
l love it!
Love it!
But it's not fighting.
No, no, it's not fighting at all.
Wink, wink, nod, nod.
l getcha.
Brother Cheeseman,
will you read us a story?
Oh, so you're a brother already?
You know what, sweetheart?
George is visiting.
Let's leave him alone.
Yeah, l can uh, yeah,
l can read a story to children.
What is this?
''The Three Little Pigs?''
l don't need a book.
l know this story!
You ready to hear it?
All right.
Once upon a time there were
three little pigs:
Antonio, Joseppi, and Fredo.
Antonio, he lived in a straw house.
And Fredo, nice brick house
with the cobblestone driveway
and the lights underneath
that show the trees at night--
adds to the curb appeal.
One day, Antonio,
in the straw house,
is sittin' around,
pickin' his teeth,
watchin' television,
when he hears a knock on the door.
lt's a soft knock.
The door's made of straw.
Outside he hears,
''Big Bad Wolf,
''l'm here to collect
my protection money.''
This is money that the wolf charges
them every month not to eat them.
Protection money.
They'd give money in an envelope.
Antonio was just sick of it.
He doesn't want to pay the wolf.
So Antonio says, ''Forget it!
l'm not payin' you anymore!''
Now, this of course,
makes the wolf very irate.
So, he says, ''l am gonna huff,
l am gonna puff,
and l am gonna b-b-b-b-blow
your house down!''
Antonio is very, very upset,
and the wolf huffs
and he puffs...blows it down.
Now, Antonio is losing
his little pig mind,
running around
screaming and yelling.
His house is ruined.
He's got no insurance.
He runs
to his buddy Joseppi's house.
Boom, boom, boom.
-''He blew it d--''
-''Yes, he blew it down!
Come on inside, sit down,
have an espresso, relax.''
They're freakin' out.
Next thing you know--
boom, boom, boom.
Who do you think it is?
Big Bad Wolf.
Exactly.
The Big Bad Wolf.
Wolf says,
''All right, l'm a huff.
l'm a puff, and l'm gonna--
b-b-blow your house down!''
There's sticks all over the street.
People are slipping and falling--
like a John Woo film.
lt's crazy!
Now these two pigs are
out of their...minds.
Don't know what to do.
They run to their buddy Fredo's
with the big brick house.
Boom, boom.
He blew down our house.
Fredo says, ''All right, come in.''
''Help. He's gonna cut us.
He's gonna eat us.''
Fredo's like,
''Please, have an espresso?
''Calm down. Relax.
l'll take care of it.''
Fredo is as cool as a cucumber.
Walks over to the phone.
He dials some associates
and hangs up the phone.
The next thing you know...
big black Cadillac limo
pulls up in front
of Fredo's brick house.
Two Goomba pigs
in dark suits get out.
They say,
''Excuse me.
You the Big Bad Wolf?''
He says, ''Yeah.''
They pick him up by his lapels
and start bangin' him
against the side of the house,
crackin' his brain
against the wall!
Then the pig reaches
into his pocket, pulls out his mm,
puts it against
the wolf's temple--badabing!
They blow his brains
all over his suit.
Boom!
Uh, George, l think we're...
This is the best part.
l think we probably...
This is the best part!
Trust me!
Then Antonio and Joseppi they go,
''Fredo, who was that?''
Fredo goes, ''Ah, those guys?
Those are my cousins,
The Guinea Pigs.''
Guinea Pigs...
Never mind.
The End!
Yeah! Yeah!!
Good kids, good kids.
Hey, tell you what kids, here.
Go get yourselves some ice cream.
That's fine.
Seriously.
What, it's ice cream?
They get an allowance...
garbage and things they do...
Eh, it's thirty bucks.
lt's no big deal.
Well...
Hey, how are you?
Good to see you.
So, what's goin' on with that thing?
l looked into the thing.
And?
l talked to the guy;
he said it's early th century,
maybe you'll get
$ - $ at auction.
Stinkin' ''Antiques Road Show''!
Getting everybody's
hopes up like that.
My Aunt Adeline-- years old.
She's up in the attic.
She's looking for things to bring.
Unbelievable!
What about that other thing?
Don't worry about that other thing.
We're gonna find Carmine,
and we're gonna kill 'im.
Kill 'im twice.
...his glorious resurrection
and ascension into heaven,
and ready to greet him
when he comes again.
We offer you in thanksgiving
this holy and living sacrifice.
Excuse me.
Father, not for nuthin',
but it's just the two of us?
Nobody else?
There was an altar boy once,
but he left for college.
My husband said
yous guys was comin' over.
What?
l can't...
l...
l said, ''My husband said
yous guys was comin'...''
Hey, where'd you go?
l came home from church
and went to the store.
You get the capicola?
Excuse me; l'm trying to have
a conversation here.
With who?
These are the seven-thirties.
lf you'll...just stand there,
l'll do that.
We're not a ''big box'' here.
l like to call it a customized store.
So, you'll find seven-thirties,
three-eighties...
Brother James.
President Perry, good to see you.
How are you?
l'm fine.
My wife has me fixing the gate,
and l'm looking for
some specific hinges.
Yes, yes.
Hinges, l can take care of that.
Let me introduce you
to George here, first.
He just moved in a few weeks ago.
This is President Perry.
He's a stake president,
we call that.
He's a sort of the leader
of many of the local congregations.
Like a president.
Like president of the Mormons?
Something like that, yeah.
What, you want to be
the teamsters now?
The Mormon Jimmy Hoffa?
Did l mention that George
is from Omaha?
My son served a mission to Omaha.
Bet he knocked on your door.
Well, if he did,
l didn't answer it, Mr. Hoffa.
The hinge aisle, President,
is just over in this area.
-l'll take care of this.
-Great.
Nice to have met you.
Wife's got 'im working.
Yeah, what?
Can get this cut in half?
Here.
You don't got a saw at home?
All right.
You want it exactly in half?
Preferably.
As close as you can get.
You have used one
of these before?
Yeah, but not to cut wood.
-Kate.
-Oh, Louise, you startled me.
l'm sorry.
l'm just out for my morning stroll.
l noticed when the postman
put the mail in,
the postcard from your
in-laws in the Philippines.
Oh.
lt's nice to see things
are going well for them.
Thank you.
Yeah, you know, normally l'm not one
to pry into other people's affairs.
No, of course not.
l thought you should know,
the other night l was taking a walk,
and um, minding my own business,
of course...
Of course.
with the Cheeseman boy.
And?
He's not a member of the Church.
Ah.
Who knows what his values are.
l mean, to encourage them
to socialize.
l mean really.
Well, l thought that you
and your husband,
with him being in a position
of leadership,
would want to set the standard
for the community, you know.
You know what, Louise?
We are setting a standard.
We had the Cheesemans
over for dinner.
lt's called ''friendshipping.''
You know what?
You should try it sometime.
-l see.
-Hmmm, l hope so.
Patricia?
Yeah, it's Louise.
The end of your
first big day.
Bringin' home the bacon.
My old man used to say success comes
in a pair of overalls
and works eight hours a day.
lt feels good.
Do you feel that?
-lt feels good.
-Yeah.
All right.
l'll see you tomorrow.
Eight hours a day,
forty hours a week!
How do you people do it?
Huh?
Good afternoon, ma'am.
l'm looking for the owner.
Yes, l'm the owner,
Francis Eastlack.
Mrs. Eastlack, l'm Brigham Smith
from Scrapbookers Local .
-From where?
-Scrapbookers .
lt's the local scrapbooking union.
l didn't know
scrapbookers had a union.
Well, you're supposed to.
You're also supposed
to pay your union dues.
Union dues?
Yes, ma'am.
How many employees do you have?
Six.
Two full time and four part-time.
Well, as you know,
it's $ a month per person.
That's for the full-timers.
For part-timers
we have to charge double dues
because we find that they exert
a bigger suck on the pension
and health programs.
So, that's two workers
at $ a month,
four at a $ a month.
That's $ a month
you have to pay.
-l have to pay?
-Yes, ma'am.
l thought employees paid
for things like that.
What kind of money
do employees make?
Minimum wage.
And it looks like you're doing
pretty well here.
lt's a beautiful store.
Well, yes.
That's why you're responsible.
Let's talk about back dues.
Now, unfortunately,
l'm not able to wipe out
an entire -month period
of back dues.
However, what l can do is
l can only go back three months.
So, that's this month
plus three months of back dues.
That would be $
you have to pay.
That's a lot of money!
ls it Mrs. Eastlack?
ls it really?
Don't you think it's
in everyone's best interest?
You wouldn't want
a strike now, would you?
Strike?
Oh yes, ma'am.
Your employees parading
up and down that beautiful sidewalk,
carrying large signs,
and screaming
about how unfairly
they're being treated.
We are very fair.
Exactly.
That's why you have
to pay the $ .
Well, will you take
a check?
Do you have a driver's license
and a major credit card?
What can l get you?
Yeah, could l get a pound
of your capicola?
l'm sorry?
Capicola.
Produce section is back there.
lt's not produce; it's ham.
We have boiled ham.
l don't want boiled ham.
l want capicola ham.
Hey, uh...do we have any uh...
cappuccino ham?
Capicola!
Yeah, that.
lt's a ham.
We have boiled ham.
l don't want boiled ham.
l want cap...never mind.
Oh great! Name brand.
What is this, detergent?
What happened to the Pop-Tarts?
Hey, Kate.
Linda.
Hi.
Are you okay?
Oh, hi.
No. lt's nuthin'.
l'm fine. Honestly.
Oh, honey.
Honey, what is it?
Back home l had my friends
and family.
Out here l got nuthin'.
Not even good meat.
Oh, sweetie.
But you've got
a wonderful husband and son.
My husband?
He's more like
that college roommate
when you couldn't wait
for the end of the semester
so everybody could move out.
Except with him
l ain't never graduatin'.
Oh, hey.
Thank you.
Oh.
You people are so nice.
There's such
a good feelin' about you.
Look, Linda, would you like to come
to church with us on Sunday?
l mean, just come out
and meet a few more people.
You could make new friends.
-Yeah.
-Okay.
He hit someone.
Uh-huh. So what?
lt's wrestling.
Yeah, l know it's not fighting.
Wink, wink, nod, nod.
l get that, all right.
What do you mean, ''No l don't''?
You callin' me stupid?
You know, l may drive a minivan,
it's short, but it ain't yellow.
Who was that?
The high school vice principal.
What's his problem?
Eh, he's upset
that he's only number two.
You know, Buzz Aldrin
never got over it either.
Oh, and your kid
hit some other kid.
l don't know.
What?
lt was wrestling tryouts.
Oh, did he make the team?
l'll get the update from him
when he gets home.
So you know,
Michael and Kate Jaymes invited us
to go to church Sunday.
What?
l don't go to my own church.
l'm gonna go to somebody else's?
lt's not like we're gonna convert.
This is a different world.
l would like to know people.
l'm sure they are curious
about who we are.
Who are you talking about,
neighbors or the extraterrestrials?
Carmine Zindeli Pasquale,
this Sunday you are
gonna get dressed,
your son is gonna get dressed,
and we are goin' to church
like a happy, normal family.
Fine.
Steve and I are going skiing.Do you want to go with?
Third wheel?
l'll pass.
Another fun weekend for me
here in Happy Valley.
lf there was four of us...
Kopi Luac?
Oh, hey.
Yeah, it's this special coffee
my dad likes.
He wanted me to order it.
He's a freak about this stuff.
He grinds his own coffee beans.
-Wow!
-Yeah.
What happened to you yesterday?
Yeah, Kate told me.
You guys came to church?
Uh-huh.
l faked a massive stomachache.
Sorry you had to suffer through it.
No, everyone was real nice.
l kinda liked it.
You're kidding me.
lt was cool.
Your brother asked me to
a paintball thing
the guys from church
are having in the mountains.
l'm gonna go.
Great.
Let's go guys.
Manja.
-ls this my package?
-lt came today.
And this is the first l'm hearin'?
What, are you that desperate
for a coffee fix?
Pineapple?
Pineapple?
Who puts pineapple on a pizza?
Canadian bacon and pineapple.
lt's very popular here.
Folks said to try it.
You don't put pineapple
on a pizza!
lt's like putting pepperoni
in a fruit cocktail!
lt's something you don't do!
l wanted to try something new.
l though we were havin' manicotti.
l needed something easy,
l'm goin' out tonight.
There's a women's night
at the church.
-What church?
-The Mormon Church.
With the Mormon Church?
You were there Sunday.
So?
There's something tonight.
Kate invited me.
...Fruit on pizza?
What, you gonna be a Mormon now?
No, but now l have friends.
lt's nice to socialize.
With them?
With June Cleaver?
lt's Nick at Night
with these people.
And what's wrong with that?
They have values!
Hey, take those off.
Leave the kid alone, will you?
lt would be nice to have
some dinner conversation.
He's got nothing to say!
You got something to say?
Bop! Nuthin'!
Some guys from Church
are havin' this paintball thing
in the mountains.
Kids your age?
lt's the guys.
lt's some father and sons.
Michael asked if we wanted to go.
You have got to be kidding me.
You wanna go runnin'
in the mountains
playin' Hide and Seek
with Mormons?
What's the matter?
lt would be nice,
yous getting together
and doin' something fun
like that.
Why do l wanna go?
l got a house.
lt's freezing cold outside.
l'm not goin'.
That happened with the Donner Party.
Them people--they froze.
They ended up putting themselves
on their own pizza.
You know what, this is...
l'm outta here.
Forget it.
l'm gonna go get
something to eat somewhere else,
and not in the woods.
Let me get this straight.
You're telling me
you are the largest
wholesale distributor
of scrapbooking materials
in the entire state of Utah?
And most of ldaho.
No kiddin'.
Where you were from again?
Save All Memories
of the Children.
What is that?
You heard of ''Save the Children?''
Well, we save all the memories.
What our organization does,
in a nutshell,
is we raise money
for underprivileged children
all around the globe,
so that they can keep
a scrapbook.
These little tikes,
they're gonna grow up,
they're gonna' become doctors
and lawyers and such,
and with these scrapbooks,
they're gonna be able to refer back
and see how far they've come.
That's very considerate.
l agree.
How else we gonna know
about these kids?
You've seen them.
lt's truly sad,
with the bloated bellies
and the flies flyin' around them.
How we gonna know bout 'em
if there ain't someone there
takin' pictures
while the flies are buzzin'?
We'd be more than happy
to donate scrapbooking materials.
l appreciate that; l really do.
Thing is, we already got us
a government contract
to purchase
the scrapbookin' supplies.
All we're looking for
quite frankly,
and there ain't no way
to sugarcoat it,
is financial donations.
lt's for the children.
Yeah, Salt Lake City
to Rio de Janeiro, Brazil.
This Friday.
Do ya got something
in the morning?
l'll take that.
First class.
One seat.
And, no.
One way.
Yes.
You know, Rick, after dinner
we'll check out
the paintballing equipment
if you'd like.
Hey, thanks.
And thanks for letting me stay
for dinner.
Oh, it's our pleasure.
But shouldn't you call your parents
so they know you're here?
Oh no, that's fine.
They got into another fight.
Dad took off and Mom drank
a whole bottle of white zinfandel.
She's facedown,
you know, wasted.
So this works out fine.
So you ever actually played
paintball before, Rick?
Oh, no.
Really?
Not everyone's Rambo.
Some people lead
civilized lives indoors.
lt's a shame your dad
couldn't make it with us.
He told me about
his doctor's appointment.
He told you he had an appointment?
Yeah, that's why he won't
be coming paintballing with us.
l thought this was going
to stay in the family,
but l guess we can confide in you.
Why, what's wrong?
Well, Dad--Dad's got
to get a colonoscopy.
Oooh, wow!
-What's a colonoscopy?
-Look on the lnternet.
No, no, no, no.
lt's just
a doctor's appointment, honey.
Look Rick,
l don't want you to worry.
lt's probably nothing,
really.
l had an uncle;
he had a colonoscopy.
lt was a buffalo head nickel
that he'd swallowed
when he was two years old.
They got it back too.
Mint condition.
Thing tripled in value.
There isn't a paintballing
merit badge yet,
but some are working on it.
l like to use this space
to practice.
We'll set up targets.
Have you ever actually
shot a gun before, Rick?
-Well, uh...
-Well, it's pretty easy.
Use the rifleman approach--
the Chuck Connors.
Keen-haw, keen-haw.
l like that.
Some prefer sort of the delicate
Princess Leah sort of a feel.
You know what l mean?
You're right.
That's pretty cool.
Look at that, yeah.
l was thinking of having
that painted soon.
l'll put up some targets
to shoot at.
How bout that?
Hey, it's pretty fun.
Ahhh!
Yeah, you're right.
That was fun.
Yeah.
-Hey.
-Hey.
What's your problem?
You've been acting
weird all day.
My problem is when friends come
and spend the night
hanging out with my brother.
So? You was hangin' out too.
A good time
is not to hang out
with my brother.
l had a good time.
lf a good time is hangin' out
with my brother, you've got problems.
You said you had the problem.
-l did.
-Shhh.
Look, my brother
is a complete dork.
And his wife is this little
homemaking Nazi.
Your brother and wife
are good people,
and probably your mom
and dad too.
You want nuthin' to do with them?
That's another problem
you got.
Technically, that's just
an extension of the problem.
Shhh!
Well, then you got one
really big problem.
All right,
l'm goin' to lunch.
Hello.
George, it's Special Agent Tuttle.
Hey, how you doin'?
[faking bad phone connection ]
-We need to talk.
-Come on.
l just started lunch hour.
That's perfect.
Let's go.
ls your car parked out front?
All right, fine!
Fine!
l did the scrapbooking thing.
Big deal!
You're doing scrapbooking?
See, that is so cool.
This going straight thing
has worked for you.
lt's opened up a myriad
of hobbies and interests.
When l got married,
we started scrapbooking.
Then we took scrapbooking
and combined it with genealogy
and made books...
La, la, la, la, la.
You see this?
This is my ''don't care'' face.
Now, we're not here
for the scrapbooking thing?
What are you doin' here then?
All right.
Agents in Atlantic City
collared a Rocky Delfurio
on a calling card scam.
Do you know him?
Yeah, he's like,
he's an old-timer
with Gagliano's crew, right?
Right.
He wanted to cut a deal
in exchange for information.
Everybody's a stool pigeon.
He actually had
a lot to offer, George.
He lead investigators
to an area in the Pine Barrens.
There were an old farm and well,
it had been dried up for years.
There was a concrete slab
placed over the top of it.
lt was at the bottom
of the well...
they found the remains
of your father.
l'm so sorry, George.
At the time your father was involved
in some importing operation.
A guy named Jimmy lanucci
tried to muscle in.
Your father and lanucci
had some words,
and one thing lead to another.
lanucci's been doing a to
on another wrap in Tallahassee.
He's up for parole in six months
but he's not going anywhere now.
The office sent me all
of your father's
personal effects to give you.
There's a gold necklace
with a gold crucifix.
A gold ring.
A gold chain with a squiggly thing.
A money clip, no money.
Gold, though.
A gold watch.
Gold bracelets.
Something else gold,
l don't know what that is.
Your father's billfold
with driver's license
and credit cards.
And a travel brochure
to Disneyland
with three plane tickets
to Los Angeles.
There you go.
Thanks.
So you got that doctor's appointment
this weekend?
Uh, yeah.
You know, l'm sure it's nothing
to worry about, really.
Rick, he told me everything.
He's concerned.
What are you talking about?
Look, l know
it's a sensitive subject,
and l want you to know
l feel for you.
l had an uncle
who had a colonoscopy.
So?
Look, l want you to know
if anything unusual comes up
that we are here for you.
Look.
l'm not having a colonoscopy.
You're not?
No.
You know, George, you're over .
l mean, this is the time...
We are not having
this discussion!
lgnoring the situation
isn't going to make it actually...
You know what,
l'm sure your doctor...
All right, you know what?
l lied.
l made it up.
l got no doctor's appointment,
no colonoscopy, nuthin'.
l made it up so l wouldn't have to go
out with you into the woods
to play army patrol.
Happy?
Okay.
You know, Rick is really excited.
Let me ask you a question.
Why do you care about me
and my family, huh?
What is your...
You get me this job,
you bring me to church,
you invite us to dinner,
and now you inviting me
into the woods.
What, you need more converts?
There aren't enough Mormons
in this state?
No, no, George, it's not anything
like that, really.
l just--l consider you a friend.
l want you to feel like part...
Oh no, l do.
l do.
Every time we go walkin'
people close their drapes
when they see us.
Part of the community?
Ah, see, you know,
there's a saying
about Mormons by Mormons,
and it says
that the Church is true,
the people aren't--necessarily.
And what does that mean?
But l suppose you think
you're great?
No, George, l don't think
anything about myself.
l'm sorry.
l just--l just happen to think
that you're a great guy.
You have a great family,
and l want you to feel happy here.
That's all.
Five.
We're going in!
Put your bike down!
ln an approved parking place!
The guy said l should test drive
this thing before this weekend.
So you're going?
Yeah. l got you one too.
Give it a shot.
-All right.
-There's a safety on it.
-Right here.
-Here?
Push that button.
All right.
-Show me what you got.
-Just go?
Go!
What's all this?
You look like Darth Vader
and G.l. Joe had a kid.
Hey, Dad's going paintballing too!
Really? That's good to hear.
You know what?
lt's gonna be cold.
-You know how to start a fire?
-l set a few.
Okay.
Hey, how you doin'?
Oh, hey.
We're the missionaries from
The Church of Jesus Christ
of Latter-day Saints.
Got it.
Who were those people
you were talking to?
Oh, that was
the Mormon missionaries.
Are you kiddin'?
Who are they preachin' to?
Everyone's already Mormon.
We're not.
They're gonna be comin' here,
talking to us?
No, l took care of it.
l told them
this wasn't where l lived.
l gave them another address
to someplace else.
l love it.
Okay guys. Okay guys.
Listen up.
You got your teams.
You know the rules.
First team to get the other team's
flag and brings it home wins.
Let's move.
All right, let's go.
Hey, l gotta go to the bathroom
before we get started.
-All right. Take care of it.
-Well, where'd you put it?
Are you kiddin' me?
lt's pretty much anywhere.
l mean as long as it's
away from camp.
No, no--you're not hearing me.
lt's morning time.
l gotta go to the bathroom.
Oh! l got a fire in the hole here!
All right! They're your woods.
Wherever l want.
Wherever l want.
l want four walls, a newspaper,
and my toilet seat that plays
''That's Amore.''
That's what l want.
Aw! Who clipped you guys?
l don't know.
lt was a blur.
Never even heard it comin'.
You must have seen it.
This act does not go unpunished.
Give me a name.
Give me the name!
l'm hazy.
-Give me the name.
-Robby.
You're a good kid.
Let's go.
Why're you cryin' kid?
Because l want to keep playing.
What's your name?
Robby.
Robby, huh?
lf l wanted to shoot you Robby,
you'd be dead already, right?
That's a nice gun you got.
What is this?
Granola.
Granola?
You're a kid.
You should be eating candy
and popcorn and crap.
l like it though;
l like the granola.
l'll tell you what l'm gonna do.
l'm not gonna shoot you.
But you tell us
where your home base is
so we can capture
your flag and win.
lt's the other side of the hill.
Don't lie to me kid!
l'm not lying.
My sixth sense tells me
when people are lying,
especially little kids!
l'm gonna ask you one more time!
Where is your home base?
l'm not lying.
All right.
l'm gonna shoot you.
Your day's over.
Okay, it's on the other side
of the stream down by the cliffs.
Okay.
Good.
Don't be stupid.
Ah, man!
Now l can't keep playing.
Yeah.
That's the point.
But, l didn't shoot you, did l?
Let's go.
Hey, what should l do with this?
Leave the gun;
take the granola.
Punk.
You have fun?
Yeah, l did.
lt was great.
lt was fun, huh?
Did you see me drinkin' coffee
so the Mormons wouldn't see me?
Yeah, that's not all you was doin'.
See that kid?
Comes around the big boulder
and sees me squattin' there?
The look on his face.
l love it.
You know what?
l got a good idea.
Why don't we go home,
get cleaned up,
and take your ma to dinner?
Yeah, where?
Know where l wish we could go?
Naples. Route .
Get a big panzorotti.
Baked or fried?
Who you talking to?
Deep-fried.
Remember?
But you know what?
l'll bet nobody's got no Naples,
and nobody knows nuthin'
about no panzorotti.
lsn't that a sports car?
No. That's a Maserati.
l said panzorotti.
lt's like, picture this.
Take a pizza, fold it,
throw meat and cheese inside,
deep fry it, done.
Oh, you mean a calzone?
No. No.
Look at me.
Does it not look like
l know the difference between
a panzorotti and a calzone?
Maybe l don't know the difference.
Bingo! Nathan.
l'll tell you,
today's your lucky day.
You're gonna learn.
Get me an apron; l'll show you
how to make panzorotti.
l'm gonna show you once,
so pay attention.
All right?
All right.
First thing you do,
you turn the dough into crust.
Roll it out nice.
Make a nice ball.
Nice thin crust; that's the key.
Throw in your red sauce,
around the edge, not too much.
You throw in your sausage,
your pepperoni, then your...
What is this?
A pineapple.
Pineapple.
Now it's garbage.
Fold it over.
You make your seam.
You throw it in your deep fryer.
Nice and brown.
Like that, right?
Then you stuff it in your face.
Yeah, Mike is covered in paint,
and we find the kid.
Dad makes him tell
where his base is.
No loyalty, this kid.
Total stool pigeon.
Boo hoo, l just want
to keep playing the game.
He told us everything.
l would've blasted him right off.
You see?
That's the problem with kids today.
lt's all about the violence.
Be smart.
True coercion is an art form;
it all starts up here.
So we find the flag,
we grab it
and start booking it for camp.
l'm glad you twos
had a good time.
-We did, didn't we?
-Yeah.
Yeah, l was thinking
maybe...spring comes,
it gets a little warmer
up in the woods,
the three of us, we go,
do like a camping weekend.
For real?
l don't think so.
You two go.
l have a house.
Why do l wanna go?
Ah, very funny.
We'll start out slow.
We'll finish dinner,
go home, open windows,
and we can snuggle up
in the same sleeping bag.
Hey, too much information people.
l'm headin' to the bathroom,
kinda like Dad in the woods.
-We're not goin' there.
-You already did.
Um, um! This is so good!
My compliments to the chef.
What do you think?
Tomorrow we get all dressed up
and the three of us,
we go to church together
like a family.
Not for nuthin',
but what's gotten into you,
George Cheeseman?
l don't know.
That's for me to know
and for you to find out.
Give to your people
the joy of continual health
in mind and body
with the prayers
of the Virgin Mary to help us.
Guide us through
the sorrows of this life
to eternal happiness
in the life to come.
l told you it's a hi-tech world,
and we gotta get an lT guy?
The jamook who every time
l got a problem with my computer
tells me to turn it off and on.
l get to thinking,
that special coffee
Carmine always says
he can't live without...
Uh-hmh.
l get the computer geek
to go on the lnternet
and do some research.
There's a half dozen or so
home addresses in the U.S.
for somebody ordering
that special coffee.
But there's only one out West
just started ordering the same time
Carmine goes into hiding.
l want you
to handle this personally.
Already bought the plane tickets.
l'm goin'.
And l'm bringin'
Rocco Mancusso with me.
This time tomorrow,
Carmine Pasquale will be a dead man.
This stuff's pretty good.
l think they call it ''fry sauce.''
lt tastes like ketchup
and mayonnaise.
Thought you were on a diet.
l'm working on it.
Look at this.
What do we got here?
What?
There. The van.
lt's the wife.
Look at this.
She must work out.
Oh, look at this.
The groceries;
a nice, happy family.
Not for long.
-Hi, babe.
-Hey.
You need some help?
There he is.
That's him,
that rat fink Carmine Pasquale.
Come on, let's go.
What, are you nuts?
lt's Little Nicky.
Do you got everything?
CALL THE FEDS!!
He made us.
Come on.
Let's get outta here.
Move over this thing!
-On the left.
-What?
Would you go left?
All right!
Me shut up?
-What are you gonna do?
-Straight.
Well, this is a stroke of genius.
He's just disappeared.
All these houses look alike to me.
How can we lose 'im?
Right there. Quick, quick!
Make a right.
Rest assured,
you were our last resort.
Good to see you.
Are Rick and Linda coming?
No. By myself.
Are you okay?
You seem a little rushed.
l'm fine.
Listen, do you have
like a...a basement?
No, no, we have Sunday School,
however, that's starting.
Listen, we also have
a church social next week.
-This is a Mormon church.
-Yeah? So what?
lt's supposed to be
some kinda cult.
What are you talking about ''cult''?
Would you come on?
Hello.
Are you brethren visiting
with us today?
Uh...yeah, yeah sure.
Good, good, good.
Come on.
Now, here's our Sunday School class.
l'd like to welcome everybody out
to Sunday School today.
Do we have any visitors with us?
We've seen you here before,
but would you mind standing up
and introducing yourself again?
l don't want to.
Come on. lt's easy.
lt's the thing we do.
l'm George Cheeseman.
George Cheeseman?
Thank you, George.
And you two brethren back there,
l don't believe
we've met you before.
Go on, please,
introduce yourselves.
Yeah...my name is uh...
Robert de Niro.
Rocco Mancusso.
Pleased to meet you.
Nice to have you.
Why didn't you use
a made-up name?
You took mine.
Okay, lets all turn
to John chapter eight.
You know what?
l left my Bible
in my other church.
Me too.
Come on.
Open up!
-Give me the keys.
-l don't have the keys.
Oh! There they are.
Where?
They're in the car.
We got you now, you rat fink!
Carmine Pasquale, you're a dead man!
Hey, it's the missionaries.
Hi, Elders.
FBl.
Freeze!
They know where we are now!
George, relax.
We've got them in custody.
They're willing to make a deal.
You see this?
You can't trust nobody.
But it's perfect.
Now we're spinning a story
that they got picked up
before they got to you,
and you're completely
unaware of this.
lf Angelo thinks he's failed,
he'll send somebody else,
and that we use as leverage.
Of course,
he's gonna send somebody else.
What happens when
somebody else gets here?
We are dead!
George, we're going to protect you.
Right.
Trust me.
You got this Mormon family,
Catholic family,
living next door to each other.
So each family has
a little four-year-old kid.
One's a boy; one's a girl.
lt's summertime.
The kids are playin';
they turn on the sprinkler.
They figure, ''Eh, we'll strip down
to our birthday suits,'' right?
They're running around.
Little boy looks
at little girl and goes,
''Oh! Look, there really is
a difference between Mormons
and Catholics!''
All right.
l just got one more thing--
l wanna...
What are you gonna do?
Hey, uh, folks,
if l could have your attention.
Now, l know you don't drink,
or smoke, or have fun.
Of course, l'm kidding.
But l would like to raise a toast
with my caffeine-free Diet Pepsi
and share with you
an old ltalian toast.
lt goes something like:
''Chi trova un amico,
trova un tesoro.''
Which means, ''He who finds a friend
finds a treasure.''
-Chindan.
-Chindan.
Put your cups down!
That's not appropriate.
For heaven's sakes,
that's the appearance of evil.
Well, uh, thanks for having us guys.
This was great.
Oh, you're leaving?
Yep, we gotta go.
Saturday night mass.
Wanna to stay for desert?
l left the ricard pie on the table.
Enjoy.
Oh, thanks for coming.
Listen, about the other day,
do you think we could talk later?
Um, yeah.
Sure.
Okay.
Good to have you.
Yeah, thanks.
You guys take care.
Yeah, sure.
When in Rome.
See ya.
See ya, Rick.
Thanks for comin'.
That was nice.
Yeah.
Aside from the food,
that was great fun.
You know, l've never heard a toast
at a church dinner before.
That was a first.
Well, George is a good guy.
Yeah, they're good people.
According to a spokesman
for the FBl,
notorious mob figure
Carmine ''The Beans'' Pasquale
and his family,
known to neighbors
as George, Linda,
and Patrick Cheeseman,
were in the
Witness Protection Program
for just over a month,
when this apparent
mob retaliation took place.
lnvestigators say...
lt's all over the news.
Hello.
President Perry.
l knew there was something
suspicious about them.
What if that explosion had happened
when we were nearby?
lt could have been a tragedy!
Brothers and sisters,
l bring you condolences
for this incredible tragedy.
You knew this family
and their effort to get
a second start in life,
and l understand many of you
here embraced them, as you should,
as neighbors.
Now, l have other news.
With Bishop Harrison's recent loss,
he and his family have decided
to permanently relocate back East
to assist with his parents' farm.
We therefore need to release
Bishop John Clayton Harrison
as bishop of the Mountain View Ward
with Michael lsaac Jaymes
as first counselor
and Kepi Vakasiwola Viahani
as second counselor.
Those who can offer
a vote of thanks for their service,
please join me in doing so.
Would the following individual
please stand;
as l read his name,
we ask for your vote.
As the bishop
of the Mountain View Ward,
Michael lsaac Jaymes.
All those who can accept
Michael Jaymes as your bishop,
please indicate.
No, l don't think so pal!
What?
George, we're trying
to keep a low profile.
l gotta pay for meals in coach.
He says l look like l'm goin'
to a Barry Manilow concert.
George, you're in disguise.
Keep it low-key.
You could have done better
on these getups.
lt's temporary.
Your plane leaves in minutes.
Okay.
Now, be assured.
Angelo Marcello thinks you're dead.
l wish l was dead with these clothes.
You have no imagination.
Are you sure
nobody suspects a thing?
No.
Everybody has bought this,
including your neighbors.
We've kept a tight beat
on the community
and what people are saying.
You might be interested
to know your friend, Mike Jaymes,
was called to be
the new bishop today.
Really?
Well, not for nuthin'.
He's good people.
l can see why.
-Apparently not everybody can.
-What do you mean?
ln the Mormon Church,
when called to any position,
everybody in the congregation
has to vote on it.
Now, times out of
everybody votes in the affirmative.
What happens on the th time?
Once in a while people
will vote against it.
So, so what?
Somebody didn't want
to vote for Mike?
Actually about half
the congregation.
What?
l've got to admit,
it's almost unheard of.
How could anyone
have anything bad to say about Mike?
We're here tonight for you
to voice your concerns.
l asked Brother Jaymes not to attend
--to allow everyone to speak freely.
l have known Michael Jaymes
for years.
We're not going to find anyone
with more dedication.
You know, l think l speak
for a lot of people here
when l say he may mean well,
but at what expense?
What if one of us had been killed
because Michael Jaymes
invited a mobster to wander
the halls of our church?
But he didn't know.
The federal government
sent them here.
There should be a law against that.
Or some law notifying us
that these people are moving in.
lt's the
Witness Protection Program!
lf we know they're here,
they're not protected.
Then who is going to protect us?
That mobster thug
scared my son to death
and ate his granola!
Exactly.
Michael Jaymes invited a wolf
into our little flock of sheep.
That is the most ridiculous
thing l've ever heard.
Oh!
Can l, uh, say somethin' here?
Thank you.
Um, well, we're not dead.
That little magic show
you saw yesterday
was courtesy of the FBl.
They did it to trick
some people l used to know.
And we're movin' away from here now.
But the Feds have big ears,
and l heard what was going down here
with uh...with Mike Jaymes
and what some of you think about him,
that you believe he's responsible
for bringing in a wolf
amongst your sheep.
And my life these days
has been all about
saving my own skin
and looking out for number one.
Actually,
my whole life's been that way.
But l figured when l heard about
this sit-down today,
it's a good opportunity
for me to stand up
for someone who done right by me.
Someone like Mike.
So...
l just wrote down some notes.
You know l heard one time
that the Mormon Church is true,
but the people ain't.
l don't know if the Mormon God
is the one true God.
l'm not a prayin' man.
l have heard many people
say their prayers.
But l can tell you,
if there is one ounce
of truth in the Mormon Church
and l relied on the people
in this room to find out about it,
l'd never know.
Some of you people wouldn't give
me and my family the time of day.
That aside, you do have
one good thing going for ya,
Michael Jaymes.
That guy cared more about me
and my family than l did.
And he showed me what's
really important in life.
lf he can do that
with a guy like me,
imagine what he could do
with people like you.
So, l don't know if it counts,
but Mike Jaymes has my vote.
Hey!
What, we need
an engraved invitation?
l smell dinner;
l don't know about you guys.
So, the Feds have
their undercover guy.
He's worked in with Angelo's crew,
he tells 'em
that what went down was real,
Angelo believes we're dead.
So did everyone else.
lt had to be that way.
But when we heard about
what happened...
l hadda come back and say my piece.
So any idea
where you're heading now?
None.
As long as they don't put pineapple
on their pizza, l'm fine.
And good coffee.
l don't know.
Coffee almost got me killed
this time around.
l'm thinking there's something to
this whole Mormon health code thing.
-Oh, hey. President.
-Hi.
-l wanted to tell you.
-What?
Congratulations, Bishop.
Ha, ha, ha.
Everybody sustained me?
No.
But l never said everybody had to.
All l wanted to know
was why they didn't.
But you're where
you need to be, Bishop.
The rest will come around.
Look at you.
The Mormon Jimmy Hoffa over here!
lf l were you,
just in case you ever disappear,
leave a note saying
to look for you
under the goalposts
at the B YU stadium.
Okay.
He has no idea.
l don't know if you can write,
but if you can, here's the address
to my parents' home
in the Philippines.
Your brother's kickin' you out?
Nah. l decided l'm going
to live with my parents.
lt's sort of trying to find
a solution to my problems.
l thought it was a big problem?
Then it might get a little smaller.
Oh! Let's go!
l gotta go.
Thanks for everything.
Good luck with the baby.
Thank you.
All right.
Come on, get in.
Good luck with everything.
Be good.
Be safe.
You take care of yourself.
Oh, hey.
One more thing.
-Mike, could you do me a favor?
-Yeah, sure.
Can you deliver those?
But, l need you to do it personally.
What are they?
Refund checks.
Thanks.
Aloha, Bishop.
-See ya.
-Take it easy.
Bye.
l love these.
You put the little bubble
on the picture,
like it's a comic strip.
Oh, that's cute.
How long have you been open?
My husband and l opened
about a month ago.
These are great.
Three, four, five,
five is ten.
Thank you very much.
Come again.
Bye-bye.
Ah, Mormon missionaries.
l tell you what,
here, it's on the house.
Oh, thanks!
-Where you from?
-Utah.
Oh!
Really?
Looks like you haven't
had a decent meal.
How bout comin' over
to the house for dinner.
You won't hear complaints from us.
We won't hear any messages either.
We're just gonna eat.
lt's a start.
Forget about it.
l'm Elder Carpenter,
and this is Elder Martin.
How you doin'?
l'm Donald Clayton.
This is son Jordan,
my lovely wife May.
Get me May.
l'm inviting Mormons over...
on purpose.
-You're kidding!
-l don't know what got into me.
Give 'em our address,
and make it the correct one
this time.
-So you guys like ltalian food?
-Love it.
Great.
We're having Chinese.
lt's Tuesday.
Tuesday's Chinese food
at our house.
She makes a great stir fry.
Mom makes good stir fry.
-Not better than mine.
-No, she's the best.
And what she does--
what do you call that thing?
The big metal...
The wok.
She shakes it with her whole body.
lt's like watching
a Chinese hula girl.
No, it's nice,
and the food's delicious!