Voila! Finally, the Monster In Law
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Jane Fonda and
Jennifer Lopez. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Monster In Law. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
You thought you had
found a good girl
One to love you
and give you the world
Now you find
that you've been misused
Talk to me,
I'll do what you choose
I want you to
Tell Mama
All about it
Tell Mama
What you need
Tell Mama
What you want
And I'll make everything
all right
That girl you had
didn't have no sense
She wasn't worth
all the time that you spent
She had another man
throw you outdoors
Now the same man
is wearing your clothes
I want you
to tell Mama
Tell Mama
What you want
And I'll make everything
all right...
Hi, it's Charlie.
Leave a message.
Hi, Charlie. It's Carol
from the LA Temp Agency.
Listen, Dr. Batel's office needs you
for tomorrow. Is that okay?
Let me know. Bye.
Good morning, neighbor.
Hey.
Help yourself.
Oh, thanks.
I was out of everything.
Aw, why do I even bother?
You know, Remy, I gave you
that key for emergencies.
Extreme emergencies.
It was.
I needed caffeine.
I don't know.
This is good. I'd even wear it.
Good, 'cause I've got to go.
I'm late for my first client.
But you stay,
have breakfast, take a shower.
Go through my drawers.
Tell Mama
All about it
Tell Mama
What you want
Tell Mama...
- Hey, Charlie.
- Morning.
- Are the boys ready?
- Dragon! Zorro!
Hey!
There are my boys.
Come on. Yay.
- See you later!
- Bye!
- Be good, boys!
- Whoa! Slow down!
Tell Mama
all about it
Tell Mama
what you need...
"Romance is in the air today.
No one can resist
your obvious charms."
Well, Otis, your horoscope
seems accurate.
Stop it.
Come on.
Let's read mine.
Okay.
"Do not leave your house today."
Too late.
"And stop looking so hard.
Love is right in front of you."
Hey.
What's wrong?
I ordered a nonfat latte.
I can taste the fat.
I would be happy
to change it for you, sir.
Can't you even make a friggin' cup
of coffee? I can taste the fat.
How hard it is to make
a friggin' cup of coffee?
I can make another one
for you if you'd like. I'd be happy
- to exchange it for you, sir.
- Hello? It's okay.
- You've done enough, thanks.
- I'm sorry.
Karma.
- Have a good one.
- Thanks, girl!
- Oh, sorry.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Hi.
Hi.
I don't know how
to read tarot cards.
- Why am I in the cards?
- Come on, just try.
Okay, well, this crazy old lady
keeps coming up.
The knight
in shining armor.
- Mmm! That's mine.
- No no no. What?
- I saw this guy twice today.
- That guy?
Two times in one day.
That's got to be a sign, right?
Mm, a sign.
Yeah, okay. What did he say
when you talked to him?
I didn't talk to him.
Well, are you sure
he saw you?
Yeah!
I mean, I think so.
Okay, honey,
we're worried about you
because you're turning
into a little bit of a freak.
Yeah, we think
it's from not having sex.
- Exactly.
- Look, just because...
I haven't been in
a relationship in a while
doesn't mean
I'm miserable.
I just want a sweet guy,
you know, a guy
who's strong but still...
...opens a door
once in a while.
And who notices
things and...
you know, maybe
makes a difference.
Maybe he completes you.
Oh.
You complete me.
Oh, sorry.
Dr. Batel's office.
Hi, Mrs. Reynolds.
- Go to Grandma's, tell her
I'll be home late.
- I still have stitches to do...
- Yeah, can you please hold?
I'll see you
at home.
You know what? You go ahead.
I can do that for you.
- Oh thank you, Charlie. You're a doll.
- No problem.
Hey, George.
- How're you doing, Charlie?
- Good.
- What do you got there?
- The doctor asked me
to bring it from home.
Whew! Okay!
All right. The doctor
will be right with you.
I said "Leap into
my arms, babe"
- Thank you.
- Come on, dive into the stove...
We're here!
Thank God
you guys are here.
I am down two girls
tonight. Here.
- Sorry, that's all I got left.
- Sweet.
Wow. You know, I love that I am
now comfortable enough with my sexuality
- to wear something like this, you know?
- Looks good on you.
- Hey, what's up?
- Take off the apron now.
- Sorry.
- Where do we start?
Okay, uh, hand out
these shrimp balls.
There has got to be
a better name for those.
- I don't think it's that bad of a name.
- What's wrong with the name?
I said, I say,
sometimes we look back...
- Oh my God, that's him.
- Whoa! Who? Who?
The guy I ran into.
He's here.
- Where?
- What?
That is three times in two days.
What are the chances of that?
- Um, like, none.
- That's Dr. Fields.
This is his party. He just moved
back from San Francisco.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Well, you're right.
He is hot.
Flirting
with disaster
You're the one
I'm after
I think I've found
my destiny
I can fly
On the wings
of my heart
Deep inside
I've been falling apart
L-l-love
There's a magic in you
And I'll be
- Under your spell...
- Here's the best part.
The guy then goes
into cardiac arrest,
Kevin performs CPR
on the guy,
saves his life again.
God.
Disgusting, isn't he?
No, you are amazing.
Yeah.
Excuse me?
W-wait wait wait.
What do we have there?
Oh, um, balls.
Uh, shrimp balls.
Um, shrimp in...
...balls.
I'm sorry,
but we're not really
into fish genitalia.
Yeah, okay.
Was she really listening
to our conversation?
Excuse me.
Wait a second.
Um, so I know two things
about you... you work in catering,
and you have a lot of dogs.
Oh, that... no.
Uh, I'm a dog walker.
I'm not some crazy dog-lady
with dogs.
- That's why.
- And I'm sorry about before.
I didn't mean
to be eavesdropping.
Well, you're right.
You shouldn't have.
You should have stayed
and talked to me.
Well, your girlfriend
seemed pretty offended.
Oh no, that's...
that's not my girlfriend.
I-I don't have a...
I'm sing...
I don't have
a girlfriend.
What?
Nothing.
Nothing. Um, I'm Charlie.
Charlotte, but Charlie.
Well, I'm... I'm Kevin.
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, too.
Uh-oh.
What? What does
"uh-oh" mean?
It looks like someone else
is mowing your lawn, Fiona.
I'm gonna go
destroy these.
Excuse me.
I'll see you guys.
Oh, my shoes
are killing me
which means
they must look fabulous.
Can I get you anything?
One of him on a platter.
Such a waste.
What's a waste?
Oh, you didn't know?
Kevin's gay.
- What?
- Yeah.
That's Kit, the groom.
Or maybe he's the bride.
I can't remember
which one's the top
and which one's the bottom.
Yeah, they're getting married
next Christmas in Maui.
I didn't get that vibe.
Trust me.
Thanks.
Look at
that dude's arms!
I used to have
such good gaydar.
Oh, you're home.
Thank God.
- I'm exhausted.
- What did you do today?
- Hi, it's Charlie. Leave a message.
- Went to the post office.
Uh, hi, Charlie.
- This is Kevin Fields.
- That's him.
I don't know if you remember me
from the party the other night,
but I was just calling,
uh, to see if, um,
maybe... maybe you wanted
to walk my dog.
What? No!
Hang up the phone.
No, actually, you can't,
because I don't have a dog.
So maybe you could
walk me.
Hang it up.
All right, you know,
I'm-I'm gonna go now.
Call me at -
and ask for Dr. Fields.
Okay, thanks. Bye.
Oh man, that was...
that was horrible.
Yeah, I wouldn't hold your breath
for a callback on that.
Yeah, she'll call me back
if she wants to walk an idiot.
Yeah, I'm not going
to disagree with you.
So takeout
or raid your fridge?
Here we go.
Take it easy, Lilly.
Easy.
Hi.
You never called me back so I figured
I would bring the coffee to you.
Thanks.
Um, look, I think you're
a really nice guy and everything,
but I don't know why
you called me.
- Hmm?
- I'm a woman.
Yeah, I love that fact.
Have you ever been
with a woman?
Excuse me?
I mean, have you only
ever been with men?
Men?
What are you talking...
whoa whoa whoa.
Wait a minute, I'm not gay.
- You're not?
- No.
No, I like women.
Lots of... no, not lots of women,
but you know what I mean.
Why did you think
I was gay?
Awkward.
Okay, I got to go now.
Wait wait.
Wait wait wait.
Okay, I'll prove to you
that I'm not gay.
Let me take you out on Friday night.
We'll watch the playoffs,
I'll order a pizza,
I'll completely ignore you.
Give me one good reason.
'Cause I'm different.
Really?
Okay, what color
are my eyes?
Well, at first glance,
your eyes are brown.
But when the light hits them
they change to amber.
And if you look really closely around the
iris the color is pure honey.
But when you look
into the sun
they almost look green.
That's my favorite.
How did I do?
I would've settled
for brown.
- Okay!
- Peanut, let go!
Off! Off!
I'm sorry he bit you.
I mean, they all have their shots
so it should be fine.
Seriously, don't worry about it.
It barely broke the skin.
- Outside.
- Did you just move in or something?
No, I've been here
a year and a half.
Oh, nice place.
I should have some hydrogen peroxide
around here somewhere.
What is all this stuff?
Oh, I'm a yoga instructor.
- This?
- And a Little League coach.
And a dog walker
and a caterer.
I told you I'm a temp.
That is not true.
She is an incredibly talented artist.
- Remy! Remy!
- I mean, look at her sketchbook.
- She hides it right under there.
- Remy!
What?
He's not...
- Are you all right?
- Yeah. Yeah, thank you.
Found it!
So you're an artist, too?
Uh, I like to dabble
in a lot of different things.
I mean, life's too short
to live the same day twice, right?
Yeah. That's a good
philosophy to live by.
My dad always used
to say that. Come on.
- Used to?
- Oh, yeah,
- my parents died when I was little.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
That's okay.
It was a really long time ago.
- You ready?
- Yeah... I mean,
it's a little embarrassing.
I'm the doctor.
I'm the one who's supposed
to look at the... ah! Ow!
- Oh my God. I'm sorry!
- I'm just kidding.
I never get to do that.
Okay, because the cut is,
like, three inches higher.
Sorry.
- Do you need my phone?
- Oh, no thanks.
It's just my mom. And it's only
her second page of the day.
She's just getting started.
- Well, you're all set.
- Thank you.
So, do you think, uh...
we could do this again sometime,
maybe without the biting?
Yeah, that would be nice.
- Heard from Kevin yet?
- Not yet. I've paged him.
Would you page
him again?
- Good morning, Stan.
- Good morning.
- You're in a good mood.
- The last time the network executives
came to my dressing room
I got my own show and a big fat raise.
- Yeah and I had to start kissing your...
- Viola Fields? Oh my God!
It is such an honor
to meet you.
Oh thank you, darling.
Would you mind
just signing this autograph?
For my grandmother.
I'd love to.
You know what else
I'd love?
I'd love you to get me a latte.
Do you mind?
- Okay.
- Thanks, hon.
Hi, guys.
How are you?
That woman is a legend.
Shouldn't you be
getting the latte?
I just can't believe
they picked me to replace her.
Oh, shit!
I-I've been replaced?
I'm so sorry, Viola.
Psst!
I'm fine.
I mean, you've had
an amazing career, Viola.
It's just that we're trying to appeal
to a younger demographic.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
God damn!
Get my manager on the phone!
And then I'm gonna call
the head of the...
Uh, we're on in two minutes.
- Okay.
- Will you get her to come?
- Please!
- Okay, she'll be ready.
I'm ready.
... love got jeans
and a tee
Am I kinky or sweet?
- Take a look inside my makeup bag
- Ooh
If you wanna love me
How good or bad
I can be...
- Are you okay?
- I'm great.
Hey, I've had
a great run.
I've done exclusives
with Kissinger, the Dalai Lama,
Muhammad Ali...
four sitting presidents...
three of them hit on me.
Five Emmys!
Now I'm being replaced
by a young thing
whose grandmother
loves me.
You know what
I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna finish out
my contract
and I'm gonna leave this show
with my dignity intact.
Okay, coming back
from commercial.
Three, cue announcer.
Today on "Public Intimacy,"
pop singing sensation
Tanya Murphy.
And now we're live
with Viola Fields.
Four, three, two...
Well, that was
very nice.
My goodness, you have a big voice
for such a tiny girl.
You're gonna miss
Viola Fields.
Have you always
been a singer?
Ever since I was
a child.
I would sing
in school plays, choirs.
- How old are you?
- I'll be next month.
W-what do you do for fun?
I love watching
really old movies.
- They're my favorite.
- Really? Really, which ones?
Well, "Grease"
and "Grease II."
Um, "Benji."
I love "Benji."
"Free Willy," um...
"Legally Blonde,"
"The Little Mermaid."
- Oh.
- Yeah... oh, I know.
You ever read
a newspaper?
Newspaper?
Viola, the girl
has stars on her nipples.
I don't have
much time for that.
So basically, you have absolutely
no idea what's going on in the world?
- Oh, l...
- And yet, you've sold
over five million albums... CDs,
to millions of kids
- who listen to your insipid lyrics.
- What is she doing?
"You want to know me,
look in my makeup bag."
You're influencing
an entire generation of kids
who won't know how
to think straight,
or vote for a president,
or remember the significance
of Roe versus Wade.
Oh! I don't support
boxing as a sport.
I think
it's too violent.
Y'all better get that
little girl out of there.
- Holy crap!
- Get us off the air!
- Quick!
- Go to commercial! Go to commercial!
Crazy bitch!
Get off me!
- Cut! Cut! Put in the Bow Flex tape!
- Get her off!
Juice Man, something!
Oh, I don't support
boxing as a sport.
I think
it's too violent.
Oh.
I wanted you to take one last look
at the old Viola.
Oh, thank God
I've changed.
Yes.
Well, just remember
the breakdown was
only a few months ago
so take it nice
and slow out there.
No stress.
Absolutely.
In fact, I'm going
to take a vacation.
I've been promising my son
we'd go to Africa
since he was a little boy.
And I finally have
the time.
That's wonderful.
Not to worry,
I'm in complete control.
Ruby! Ruby,
my dear old friend.
Oh, I'm so happy
to see you.
Well, good,
they still have you medicated.
Ruby, I figured it out.
- Life, I mean.
- Oh, this ought to be good.
It's not about how many celebrities
I interview or what my ratings are.
- It's about relationships and family.
- Oh!
Me and my son.
Oh, I just spoke to Kevin.
- Did you get the tickets?
- Sure did. Right here.
He's going
to be so surprised.
Yeah, the three of you
should have a good time.
- Three?
- Yeah, uh, you, Kevin
- and his new girlfriend.
- New girlfriend?
That's a lovely surprise.
Is it?
Well, I mean,
it can't be too serious.
I've only been away
a few months.
Well, that's
the end of it.
Where do you want me
to put this?
Oh, under the bed.
Uh, you sure you don't want me
to put it by the door so you can
make a quick escape to the apartment you
still have for some reason?
Now come on. You agreed to me
subletting my apartment.
I would have agreed to anything
to get you to move in here.
Oh, these are great.
Are they new?
Oh, no!
You can't look at those!
- 'Cause they're not finished yet.
- Oh, sorry.
- Okay? Please?
- Okay.
Here, I'll put them back.
I forgot to tell you, we're having lunch
with my mom tomorrow.
Oh!
Lt'll be fine.
I promise.
You want
to take a shower?
Hmm.
Yeah! Okay!
It's just a ride,
it's just a ride
No need to run,
no need to hide
lt'll take you
round and round.
All right, so tell me
about your dad.
Well, he died
when I was two.
But that was just
her first husband.
At the time she was
a freelance journalist
and then she married this guy
who was a network exec
and got her her first
on-air break,
but divorced him
for Alec Wrigley.
Wait, the actor?
I thought he was...
Oh, he was.
It lasted about two years
till she threw him out for sleeping
with her second husband.
Wait, how many times
has she been married?
- Well, four.
- Wow.
But, you know, her career
was always the main thing.
She just lived for it.
Well, her career and me, of course.
And, basically,
now I'm all she's got.
Here we are.
Oh, no.
Oh, playing dress-up,
are we?
- Shut up. Is that the Dalai Lama?
- Yeah.
- Oh my God, That can't be real.
- It is.
Did you know
all these people?
- Some of them.
- Kevin!
- Look at you, all handsome.
- Ruby!
Good to see you.
Yeah, you too.
Now, forget about
my mother.
This is the woman you need
to get through. Charlie, this is Ruby.
- Well, it's a pleasure to meet you.
- Oh, the pleasure's mine.
Uh, excuse us.
I've got to talk to him about a rash.
You're bringing a girl home
to meet your mother now?
Yeah, Ruby, I am.
The women is fresh off
the funny farm.
I mean, why don't you
come back, let's say... next spring?
Oh, the trees
will be blooming.
- It'll be so beautiful. She'll love it.
- How is she?
She's good.
The first thing she did
when she got home was make me
lock up all the booze.
It's Oprah!
Oprah!
Yeah, Oprah.
There's one in there
with the cast from "Good Times" too.
So how big is this place?
About four acres.
There's a tennis court,
two swimming pools,
indoor and outdoor... it's kind of crazy.
What?
No helicopter pad?
Oh, no.
There's one out back.
I'm kidding.
Kevin!
Oh, I've missed you
so much!
I promise I'll never
leave you again.
Oh my God, Mom.
Look at you. You look fantastic.
- It's just something I threw together.
- Come here.
- What?
- I want to introduce you to someone.
- Charlie. Mom.
- Kevin.
Charlie, this is Mom.
Mom, Charlie.
Oh, hi.
Oh, I'd love to just be able
to think of it and make it.
I must have spent
the last years
looking for the perfect
little black...
- Cocktail dress.
...cocktail dress. Yes.
I know.
Well, it doesn't matter. You could
wear anything with your figure.
- I mean, you look amazing.
- Oh, honey, thanks.
Listen, when you're my age,
if ain't broke, you fix it before it is.
Why the question mark?
Oh, 'cause
I just don't know.
I love your jewelry.
- Oh, yes. Yes, thank you.
- I love that.
- I like it... the earth tones.
- It's fantastic.
- Where did you get this from?
- My first husband.
That's Kevin's father. He gave it to me
when we were in Peru.
- It's very earthy.
- It's like the dress,
very earthy.
I just think it's wonderful
that you've tried so many temp jobs.
Think of all
the experiences you have.
You've been
so quiet, Kevin.
Oh, well, it's kind of hard to get
a word in edgewise with you two.
Oh, is he great,
or what?
I tell you too,
that's a little scary.
Enjoy it while you can.
Here you go,
some more coffee.
Actually, I was a little nervous
about the two of you meeting.
- Really?
- Why?
Well, 'cause it's
important to me.
Mom, you're the most
amazing woman I've ever known.
And, Charlie,
I've never met anyone like you.
You're real,
you're honest.
And although we've only
known each other a few months,
I-I feel like
I've known you forever.
I guess what I'm
trying to say here...
is what are you doing
for the rest of your life?
What?
Oh my God!
Charlie, will you
marry me?
It's...
it's too sudden.
- She's in shock.
- No!
- I mean, I am, but...
- Yes!
Seriously?
Seriously.
No no. Say "no."
Yes. Yes!
Yeah!
Oh, gee... oh!
Oh, I'm so happy for you.
- Congratulations!
- Oh my God. I can't believe this.
I am so happy for you.
Congratulations!
I'm so pleased
that you're going to be
my daughter-in-law.
Oh, congratulations.
- I can't believe this.
- I'm so happy for you.
- Thank you!
- You're going to need a moment alone.
- Excuse me, I'll be right back.
- Okay.
Oh!
Shit!
Medicine.
Let's see.
No.
What's... ah!
% alcohol!
- You are so crazy! Oh my God!
- I almost forgot.
I've been carrying this around for two
weeks waiting for the perfect moment.
I can't believe this
turned out to be it.
- Kevin.
- Try it on.
It is the perfect moment.
Maybe you should go
check on your mom.
Oh, she's fine. She's probably
calling all of our relatives.
Oh, Holy Spirit...
surround me with light.
Please rid me
of my negative karma
and my wickedness.
Please help me be
a better person.
I could just kill
that dog-walking slut!
Of course.
She's pregnant.
So, goodness.
That was a lot to take in at teatime.
- Oh, you're telling me.
- I had no idea
that you guys
were so serious.
Kevin, you never
mentioned anything.
- Mom.
- Here's what I want to say.
It's wonderful
being in love.
But I don't think marriage is
the best solution to a thing like this.
Well, you know nowadays
a girl has so many alternatives
to getting married...
there's adoption, abortion,
- lesbianism... Hmm?
- Whoa, Mom!
- What are you talking about?
- Well, I mean, it's so sudden
I have to assume
there's a pressing reason.
Oh oh, no.
Charlie's not pregnant.
Call me old-fashioned,
marriage is a sacred union
that should only be entered into
with the utmost care.
Weren't you married
four times?
Yes, dear.
Which would make me an expert,
don't you think?
Excuse me.
It's the hospital.
I'll be right back.
Okay.
You want me to go
with you?
No, stay right there.
You know, this is as sudden
for me as it is for you.
It's too sudden, right?
You think?
Yeah.
Really?
I mean, what's the rush?
It's not like the old days
where you had to get married
and have kids,
and have it all figured out
by the time you were .
- Exactly.
- We have options now.
And I've always liked
having my options, you know?
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
This is so... big.
What am l...
what am I doing?
I love Kevin.
I want to spend the rest
of my life with him.
Oh my God!
I'm getting married!
Ruby!
Ruby, I need a bottle of champagne.
We're going to celebrate.
May I have the key
to the liquor cabinet please?
What key?
The key, Ruby.
Key?
There's no key.
Ruby, give me the key.
You want to take this
outside?
Bring me the key.
And fix your hair.
You look like
a damned cockatoo.
She is such
a fabulous assistant.
Hey, do you think
your mother liked me?
Of course. Why?
I don't know, because she called me
a pregnant lesbian?
I'm sure she meant that
as a compliment.
Trust me.
She loved you.
Oh, they're gone?
I'll just put this baby
back to bed, okay?
My son
the brilliant surgeon
is gonna marry a temp.
Gonna need something
stronger than this.
Where's that martini?
Hooch will not solve
your problems.
She's going to destroy him.
It is so clear.
She's got no money,
no career goals.
She was just waiting
for a rich innocent
to step right
in her path.
Oh, Kevin's
smarter than that.
Come on,
you raised him well.
He's a good boy.
But he's a man.
That's the problem.
The only time they think straight
is when they have an erection,
and it's usually pointed
right at the trampiest woman.
You talking about
her or you?
Look, there's nothing
you can do.
Just let it go.
You know what you need?
A project.
Or another husband.
You know, why don't you
marry another gay guy?
That was fun.
You know, you're right.
I do need a project.
And I have
the perfect one.
I am going
to save my son.
Here.
- What?
- You go use those old contacts of yours
to get all the information you can
about that little pimp.
And exactly what do you
expect to find?
Everybody's got
a past, honey.
Find something.
And I'm going to open up
the Montecito house
and get a party planner.
I'm going to give them
an engagement party.
And then what?
Lock her in the basement?
When he sees how out of place
she is in his world,
it's gonna be over.
This will end badly.
Get me another one
of those.
Ooh-ohh
I just want to
get down with you
Eh!
I just want
to get close to you
Ooh-ohh
I just need to go
farther...
Is it me, or is each house
you take me to bigger than the last?
But I thought your mom
said this was a barbecue.
Oh my God. It looks like she's invited
everyone I've ever known.
And they're all
in black tie.
Oh, there's my mom.
Mom!
Darlings!
How was the trip?
- Welcome.
- I'm sorry.
- I didn't know this was a formal party.
- Well, that's because
I have something for you.
I bought you a new dress.
Oh, see?
There's a dress upstairs.
- Thank you.
- Besides, you look great in anything.
Exactly. You always look
so clean and shiny.
Oh, Kevin, your tuxedo
is upstairs in your room.
But first I want you to meet
some friends. Come.
- Prince Amir.
- Can I change first?
- This is Sarah. Kevin.
- You know Kevin.
And this is Charlie.
She's a temp.
Charlie, this is the man that introduced the
euro to the global market.
- Mr. Prime Minister.
- Viola.
Oh, Marie. You know my son,
but this is Charlie.
- Very good to meet you.
- So nice to meet you.
- She's a temp.
- Yeah.
I worked in a bank once.
Oh, look! There's
the Poet Laureate and...
oh, Charlie, first I want you to meet
the Secretary of Commerce.
Viola, please let me
change first.
I don't want to meet her
in my flip-flops.
Of course, of course. Ruby, would
you show Charlie to the guest room?
- Come on, Charlie.
- Thank you. Thank you.
Wow!
Oh my...
it's vintage.
Oh, Fiona.
- You look stunning.
- Thank you. So do you.
My goodness.
Kevin just went up
to his old room.
- Why don't you go say hello to him?
- I'd love to.
Good girl.
Fiona, what are you doing here?
I'm dressing.
Why don't you let me give you
a hand with that?
Give it up, Fiona.
You know, you and I had
a very strong bond once.
No, you and I had
very strong drinks once.
That's not true.
Kiss me. I'll remind you
how good it was.
What are you doing?
I'm engaged.
I'm happy.
It's gonna fit!
Why did she get me
such a small dress?
I have two asses.
It'll fit.
There we go.
Okay.
Okay! Okay!
What is it about her
that's so special?
I don't know but I plan on spending
the rest of my life finding out.
Kevin!
God! Men in love
are really hot.
Fiona!
Oops! Um...
I was just giving Kevin
a congratulatory kiss.
Don't, uh, worry.
Why would I worry?
He's gay, right?
Charlie!
Charlie, that was not
what it looked like.
I'm going home.
I've destroyed
priceless couture.
I embarrassed myself
in front of % of the world's royalty.
Oh! I forgot, yeah!
I just caught you making out
with your ex-girlfriend.
Charlie, let me explain.
Ugh!
It doesn't matter.
I can't do this.
I don't belong here,
Kevin.
And if I don't belong here
then maybe we don't...
Hey hey hey.
Listen to me.
It's you and me now.
This isn't my world anymore.
You're my world.
Okay?
Now let's get the hell out of here.
I'm taking you home.
Okay.
Um...
Let me try and get out
of this dress and then...
Okay, see you
downstairs.
There's a million miles
to go
Till our happiness lives
There's a million miles
to go
Till our happiness lives.
Do you like it?
Yeah, it's great.
I'm so glad you
finally decided to do it.
I don't know. I just woke up today
and it just felt like home.
I'm gonna do
all three walls.
You know, I think it's time
to take a break.
Oh, wait!
- Wait a minute.
- Whoo whoo whoo!
I can't let it dry
too much.
Oh God!
Are we getting out of bed
today, "Camille"?
What for?
I could die
and nobody would care.
I would.
You promised me
a face-lift.
Sit down, Ruby.
Sit with me, hold my hand.
Have you got anything
on the girl yet?
Nothing. Nada.
No criminal record.
No debt.
Good grades. Went to design school.
And then a string of odd jobs.
Isn't that exactly what
somebody with a past does?
What about drugs?
What about promiscuity?
She's had fewer lovers
in her entire life
than you did
at closing day of Woodstock.
Well, find something.
Well, I guess if I had
a hair sample maybe I could take it
- to my little crime lab and...
- Perfect.
I'll get to work on it.
Listen to me.
There is nothing.
Has it ever occurred to you
that maybe she's a good girl?
Oh, don't joke.
I would like to speak to that woman
who got back from the loony bin.
Is she around?
Because you are taking me
for a spin in the crazy mobile.
Ruby, Ruby.
Everybody knows that when
a woman marries a man
she marries his mother
too, right?
What if I drive her crazy?
Okay, now you're
foaming at the mouth.
Oh!
Charlie and Kevin's house.
Oh, I forgot you live there.
I didn't realize that you
had already moved in.
Kevin, stop it. I'm on the phone
with your mother! I'm sorry, Viola.
The slut's practically
fornicating with him!
- Stop it!
- I don't blame her.
That boy's a fine piece of ass.
Hold on, Viola.
He's... stop it! Right here.
Actually, Charlie,
the reason I'm calling
is I wondered if you'd
like to have lunch next week.
- Really?
- How would Tuesday work for you?
Yeah,
Tuesday's perfect!
Listen, Viola, I'm kind of in the middle
of something right now,
um, but Tuesday's fine.
Yeah, me too.
- Lots to do!
- Okay, bye!
Oh.
I'll go get the vodka.
It's good to see you.
There she is.
Charlotte.
Hi. I'm going to have
the garden salad
and the low-cal Chinese dressing
and a decaf iced tea.
- And you, miss?
- Oh, um, I'll just have a...
cheeseburger
with fries and a soda.
- All right.
- Okay.
You continue
to surprise me.
Aren't you worried about fitting
in your wedding dress?
Well, I mean, I'm making the dress
to fit my body,
not the other way
around.
Whoa. I wish I had been
that confident when I got married.
I'll tell you one thing
you're gonna have that I never did,
a stupendous wedding.
And it's important that we
book the church right away.
I always thought
that Kevin looked like Jesus
in the cathedral down
on Second Street. Mmm.
Actually, we were thinking
of having...
a non-denominational
service,
being that I'm more spiritual
than religious.
Oh.
What about my place then?
That way we don't even
need to book a location.
And Kevin was born there
and grew up there.
Oh, it would mean
so much to him. I'll plan it all.
We'll have that marvelous band
that the Swansons' had at their wedding.
And a divine cake.
Oh, honey!
No no no!
Tsk tsk tsk!
Chewing,
it's a disgusting habit.
Oh, hold still.
I've gotta... gotta...
- There! Got it!
- Ow!
Thanks, um...
What do you think
about peach?
- Oh, um, excuse me.
- Yes?
Can I get another salad
without the nuts?
- I have allergies.
- Okay.
I'm allergic to nuts,
and eggs, and shellfish,
and blueberries.
Oh... and soy.
It's amazing you've been able
to nourish yourself all these years.
Oh, yeah!
The cake!
I'm thinking traditional vanilla
with strawberry drizzle.
Look, Viola, I really do
have all of this under control.
I made this for you.
It's your wedding planner book.
Peach.
Oh.
Is that a picture
of me and Kevin?
Oh, and... present time
from your new mama!
Thanks.
Wow!
It's big! You can see
the thorns on the roses.
You'll wear it on your wedding day,
just like I did.
Of course I was
a virgin when I wed.
But we'll just pretend
with you.
Now, about the wedding...
the two of you are going to arrive
in a horse and carriage.
And the driver's top-hat
will match the horse's saddles,
and the ribbons
on the doves
that will be released
at the exact moment
of "I do," hmm?
And I've been in touch
with your bridesmaids.
How do you know
their names?
Well, Kevin told me.
And I think for the honeymoon
St. Bart's is the absolute
best place for you to go
- 'cause Kevin adores it.
- Hey, just hold on!
Just wait
a minute, okay?
No.
Thank you, but no.
Thank you,
but no to everything.
No to the horse
and buggy.
No to the top-hats,
and to the doves and geese
and any other farm animals
you're thinking of using that day.
And definitely no to you
planning our honeymoon.
- What?
- Oh no.
I can... oh!
- Oh oh!
- What's wrong?
- "Oh no" what?
- My pills, my pills!
Okay.
Well, let me help you.
- Oh!
- Viola!
- Oh, no!
- Wait, Viola!
Viola!
Viola!
Oh my God, Viola.
Oh my God!
- Give her some room.
- Help!
- Give her some air.
- My God, is she dead?
- No!
- Get her some help.
It couldn't be
that easy.
She's had
an anxiety attack,
which can feel like
a heart attack.
She's gonna be okay.
But she definitely needs
to take it easy. No stress.
She said that you were
yelling at her,
that you refused her gift
and said she couldn't plan our wedding.
Tell me that's
not true.
Well, technically...
yes.
But, hold on.
I didn't yell at her.
And she just kept pushing
and pushing and pushing.
And, okay, I admit it.
I snapped a little bit. But...
What was I supposed to do?
She wouldn't take no for an answer.
Come on, look, you know
what a hard time she's been having.
- So she's a little difficult.
- Difficult?
A two-year-old
is difficult.
- She's like... ah!
- Come on, she's all alone.
I'm all she's got...
we're all she's got.
Come on.
Excuse me.
I'm Dr. Chamberlain,
the psychiatrist in residence.
- Are you Mrs. Fields's son?
- Yes.
- May we speak in private?
- Actually, this is my fiancée.
We can talk.
Um, is she okay?
Well, I just completed your mother's
interview and I'm concerned.
It's possible that she's on the verge
of a psychotic break.
I should probably see her
at least twice a week, minimum.
Also, I prescribed her
some anti-anxiety medication.
If she starts to feel
overwhelmed, they'll relax her.
Does she live alone?
Uh, yeah.
Well, I feel
it would be best
if she were cared for
by relatives...
people that are closest
to her during this time.
Just until we're confident
that she's out of danger.
All right.
Well, thank you, Doctor.
Oh, God.
I've got that
medical conference.
What am I gonna do?
You know what?
Don't... don't worry about it.
Um, I'll take care of her.
Thank you.
- Come on.
- What?
- No, come with me.
- No no, the doctor said no stress.
- Charlie, come on. Enough already.
- I'll stay here. Kevin!
Come on.
I am so sorry.
No, Mom, don't be.
It's okay, really.
Charlie?
I'm sorry too, Viola.
No, I was too pushy.
No.
You weren't.
Look, Viola...
I would love it if you would
help me with the wedding.
It's all right,
sweetheart, l...
I don't really think
I'm up to it.
My nerves are shot.
Mom...
Mom, Charlie and I think
you should live with us for a while,
until you feel better.
Are you sure?
Oh!
Oh, I can't possibly.
- I couldn't.
- Mom, it's okay. Relax.
I couldn't possibly.
Not unless I know
Charlotte's forgiven me.
Will you?
Me?
Yeah, I forgive you.
You just put those
anywhere.
- Hi!
- Hi.
- Are you feeling better?
- I'm much better, thank you.
- Great.
- Sweetheart, I'm kind of thirsty.
- Would you... is the kitchen over there?
- Yeah, sure.
- Great. Goodbye.
- Okay.
- Hey, Charlie.
- Are you moving in, too?
No, I don't like
the neighborhood.
Look, do you have any
firearms in the house?
- No.
- You might want to get one.
When will you be back?
Soon as I can, honey.
I promise.
Are you sure
you're gonna be okay?
Yeah. I mean, hey,
it's only at night, right?
And, I mean, she's gonna
sleep most of the time
with those pills
the doctor gave her. Right?
Look, I know my mom can be
a little challenging.
So if you have any
problems just call me.
I'm on the first flight back,
I promise.
Okay.
Well, hurry home.
And who knows?
By the time I get back,
maybe you two
will be best friends.
Oh, am I interrupting
something?
- Uh, no, Mom, come in.
- The caterer called.
He still thinks
I'm doing the wedding.
He sent over a sample plate
'cause I gave him the colors you wanted.
I said absolutely no peach.
And from now on, everything
goes through my new daughter.
- Thank you.
- Yeah?
Okay, I'll be
right down, thanks.
- Oh, here. Look.
- Oh, it's beautiful, Viola.
- Thank you.
- Oh, I'm glad you like it.
- Thanks.
- My car's here. Gotta go.
- Bye, Mom. Bye, Mom.
- Okay.
Oh, bye, sweetie.
Oh, it's gonna be fun.
- We're gonna have such a good time.
- I love you.
- I'll be a good roommate. I promise.
- Okay.
Ohh!
It's so nice
to have a girlfriend.
Yeah, huh?
Viola?
- Are you all right?
- I can't sleep.
I feel so alone.
I do.
You're not alone.
I'm here.
Did you take
your pills?
My pills?
Oh no, I forgot.
Could you get them
for me, sweetie?
They're on the sink.
Sure.
Here they are.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Oh, I don't have any water.
Could you get me some water please?
Okay.
Oh, I can't drink out
of the tap.
Would you get me some Evian...
with ice?
Yeah.
Here you go.
Oh, thank you.
You have a good night,
okay?
Charlotte?
I hate to ask you this,
but it's my
first night here.
Could you stay with me?
Please?
Sleep with me.
Be a good girl.
Huh? No no no!
No no, don't!
God! Viola!
- Are you okay?
- No, let go of me, you!
No.
Huh? Oh!
Okay. Okay.
Hi, how was your day?
It was... okay.
Wonderful!
You're cooking.
I wanted to make you
dinner all by myself.
- Sit.
- Okay.
It's steak
and kidney pie.
Actually, the steak didn't defrost
in time so it's mostly kidney.
Mmm!
- Do you like it?
- Mm-hm!
I made a decision today.
I called my lawyer
and I asked him to redo my will.
I want to include
my new daughter.
Really, Viola,
that's not necessary.
Oh, don't be silly.
I want to.
Of course they have all these
stupid questions that they want to ask.
You know, like, "Are you
currently an illegal alien?"
Oh, uh, no.
Oh, that's interesting.
Okay.
Um, are there any hereditary illnesses
in your family?
You know, the kind that could be
passed on to grandchildren?
- Uh, no.
- No.
How many men have you been
sexually active with?
What? Why would they
want to know that?
That many, huh?
Would you be willing to sign
a prenuptial agreement?
- Excuse me?
- I know.
They're such nosy bastards.
It's none of their business.
Let's just deal
with this later.
No, why don't we deal
with it right now?
I'll tell you what,
I'll clean up the kitchen
and you continue
enjoying your dinner.
No no no.
You did all the cooking.
I'll clean up.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah.
I am kind of tired.
Thanks.
Well, I'll just
go up to bed then.
I had kind of a difficult
night last night.
You had a difficult night?
He's skidding
out of control.
This bus is out of control.
Is somebody there?
Tina.
Tina.
Who the hell is that?
Oh.
What?
Oh my God.
- I thought you were sleeping.
- Well, I couldn't sleep.
Hmm? What do you think
of my outfit?
This is a ceremonial robe
given to me by Chairman Mao.
These go with the robe.
This was a birthday gift
from the Dalai Lama.
He never forgot
my birthday.
Of course now
he doesn't care anymore.
- Do you mind if I sit with you?
- No.
- Just for a little while.
- Okay.
Why is she running?
Well, someone's
chasing her.
Why is he chasing her?
I'm not sure.
Well, who is he?
I don't know.
We have to watch.
- You have to stop talking.
- Mm.
Don't you hate
what she's wearing?
Running out there
with bare feet and, what is that,
a pajama top?
It's so unrealistic.
I once did a whole segment
on nighttime television.
You would not believe
how much the demographics
influence the networks.
I mean it's just ridiculous.
All they care about is the bottom line.
Oh, it's so nice just to sit
with family and do nothing, huh?
Don't even need to talk.
It's wonderful.
I miss so much
being a working mom.
I used to bring Kevin,
though, to the set.
That's where he met
Gore Vidal and Jackie Chan.
Is there anybody famous
in this movie?
Because I don't know
any of them.
And they all look
the same... all the girls
have the same body,
all the boys have the same hair.
...so many beautiful people
who live in Los Angeles?
I think all the beautiful genes
ended up in California.
Why is he kissing her?
It's beyond me.
I'm sorry. I thought
it was air freshener.
- Charlie?
- Dr. Batel's office.
Miss Reynolds?
Hi.
Yeah.
Nope. Okay.
Bye.
Oh God. I-I'm sorry.
You know what?
That's probably my fault.
I mean,
I never thought she'd...
I mean, she's a little
eccentric, you know?
- I'm sorry.
- Well, It doesn't matter.
I don't want to talk about your mom
tonight. I want to talk about us.
- I miss you.
- I miss you too.
Especially now
when I'm in the tub...
naked and wet...
and naked.
Really?
Well, do you know what I would do
to you if I was there?
- What?
- Well, for starters...
Charlie!
- I'm not looking. I'm not looking.
- Hello?
- I just wanted to return your shampoo.
- Your mom just walked in.
You really should use a shampoo
that doesn't dry your hair so much.
We don't want a bride
with straw under her veil.
- Oh, is that Kevin?
- Yeah, it is.
- Honey, your mom wants to talk to you.
- Sweetie, hi.
- Hi, Mom.
- Honey, I can't thank you both enough.
- Of course.
- I'm having the most wonderful time.
- How's Charlie?
- Oh, she's been a doll.
We've been girlfriends
all week.
- Great.
- I'm gonna be sad to go home.
You do? Well, you never know
what the future's gonna bring right?
I mean, I do love
this neighborhood.
In fact, you know,
two doors down,
there's this house
for sale.
It's got two
big bay windows
and a great rose garden.
You know how
I love rose gardens.
And basically,
it's got my name all over it.
I'm having my...
my... um...
real estate guy
look into it.
She's buying a house here?
Two doors away.
"Lovely property.
Beautiful bay windows."
It's bullshit!
She doesn't even like
this neighborhood.
Oh God, I'm so exhausted.
She's driving me insane!
- I can't do this.
- Yes, you can!
Stop being
such a big baby.
Kevin is the best thing
that ever happened to you.
Charlie, do not
give up on this one.
It seems Mommy Dearest
has been keeping
a very close eye on you,
sweetie.
What are you talking about?
What are you doing in her clothes?
I was just upstairs in her room
minding my own business.
And I found all of this
in her closet.
She's been
investigating you.
Whoa.
Why does she have
your high school transcripts?
I know.
There's a picture of me
at the beach?!
- Yes, it is.
- I can't believe that.
There's another picture
of you in here.
And it's... look.
Look at that.
It's like a closeup.
But you have to be close
to take that, right?
Look at all this Gucci!
It's just
Gucci Gucci Gucci!
She has skin caviar.
This stuff sells for $ a jar.
- I've heard of that. I want a try.
- Here.
- Mm.
- Doesn't that smell good?
Ooh, hello.
What are these?
Those are
just her anti-anxiety pills.
- Ooh, these are good.
- Really?
They'd knock out a horse.
I have these at home.
- You do?
- Wait
I don't know what these are.
But they're definitely not what I take.
They smell like
oranges or something.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah.
Let me see.
Hi, Andy.
It's Charlie.
Now, I'm not working
for Dr. Batel's office this week.
But I had a question.
Yeah, about some pills.
Can I stop by?
Charlie, I'm having
a bit of a bad day,
so Ruby's gonna take me
to see Dr. Chamberlain.
Okay!
You take care!
Let's see
what you're up to.
- There you go.
- Thank you. Thank you so much.
- And thank you.
- Wear that, sister.
Okay, now Cartier
is one right down.
- Where's Niketown?
- What?
- Niketown.
- Niketown?
Bad day, my ass.
Wait a minute.
Dr. Chamberlain?
All right.
Hello?
Hey, Andy.
What are they?
Chewable vitamin Cs, huh?
Okay, thanks.
I know. I can't believe
the wedding's only a week away.
No, we do the final
walk-through on Monday.
Oh! Wait a minute.
I think I hear her car.
Drop my stuff
at my house, okay?
All right.
Look crazy.
Charlie!
Ch-ch-ch...
Ch-ch-ahh...
Charlie!
Oh, I had to bring him
home with me today.
He's harmless.
Sit. No!
No. No.
No, Zorro! Sit!
Is that expensive?
It was.
Sorry!
Oh!
Charlie!
Bonus.
Good boy.
Come on.
Come on.
Mmm.
Hello, old friend.
Viola!
You can't mix alcohol
with your pills!
I'm a little upset
as you can imagine.
Well, I know that
and I'm sorry,
but your doctor said
if you're feeling upset
that you should take
your pills, not alcohol.
So you relax.
I'll get them.
Shit.
Here we go.
This will make
you feel better.
Drink up.
Now I hope you like
what I made.
It's one of my mother's
specialties.
- What's that?
- Tripe.
It's a delicacy.
Try it.
It's like nothing
you've ever tasted.
Trust me.
So Kevin called.
He's coming home tomorrow.
I can't wait.
I'm so excited.
I miss him so much.
I was thinking maybe the three of us
could go to lunch tomorrow.
What do you think?
Yeah, I think it's
a great idea too.
I'll make reservations.
It'll be so much fun.
Don't you just love
being girlfriends?
Night-night,
sleep tight.
And good morning
to you too.
- Ruby, is that you?
- In here!
Oh my God.
Is she all right?
I thought she went
to bed.
I don't know.
I haven't seen her like this
since "The View"
won an Emmy.
I wish I could stay
and help
but I've got to go
pick up Kevin at the airport.
What?
I underestimated you.
You don't need a gun.
I don't know
what you're talking about.
Mm-hm.
Last call!
We'll see you
tomorrow night.
Uh, there's a reservation
under Fields, Kevin.
Yes, right this way.
I'm so glad my mom and you
had a great week.
We did. I learned
a lot about her.
So who's
the mystery guest?
Oh, surprise!
I thought your office
said we were having lunch alone.
Well, I hope you guys
forgive me. I just...
I wanted to talk
to you and Kevin together.
So how are you, Mom?
Fine.
Though I did have
a rather difficult night.
Ooh, it was probably
that martini you had.
Mom, you're not supposed
to be drink alcohol
with those pills
you're taking.
You know, the truth is
I owe you an apology.
You know, I was so insensitive
to your feelings
about wanting to help
with the wedding.
Oh, it's ancient history.
A young bride doesn't want to hear
the opinions of an old widow.
No no,
that is not true.
I mean, you're going
to be my mom soon.
And a grandma shortly
after, hopefully.
And I want you to know
that I will do anything it takes
to make this
relationship work.
That said...
will you be my maid...
I mean, my matron
of honor?
Charlie, that's...
that's amazing.
- Mom, what do you say?
- But, uh...
Morgan is gonna be
your maid of honor.
Oh no, she has graciously
relinquished her title to you.
And I had this
specially made up.
A dress in your
favorite color... peach.
- Come on, open it.
- Well, that's...
Char... ah.
I-I don't think I can.
Mom, I think
it's a great idea.
I just don't think
I'm up to it.
I really don't. I've got
to talk to my doctor.
Oh, I called him.
Yeah!
And he said he thought
it was a great idea.
- You called my psychiatrist?
- Mm-hmm.
In fact, we had lunch
at The lvy.
Well, anyway...
he said, considering
this turning point in your life,
you know, losing
so much so suddenly,
that being involved
in the future
would be the best therapy
in the world for you right now.
Careful. You know
those are strong.
You know, we...
are your future.
And we want you
to be part of it.
I can have a list of duties
for you tomorrow.
No.
M-mom... no, Mom.
Mom, don't cry.
Here.
Charlie.
I didn't think
I would be this emotional.
Mom, here.
Can I?
Oh, oh!
Oh, thank you, baby.
I love you.
- I love you too.
- I love you too!
I love you too, Mom.
Kevin, you know what? Why don't you
give your mom and I a moment alone?
Yes, of course.
Just so you know,
the crying bits are getting old.
Just so you know,
Kevin likes his girls thin.
Oh! Well,
I can always get liposuction.
I've been meaning to ask.
Is it painful?
That maid of honor bit.
Priceless!
You know what they say? Keep your
friends close, keep your enemies closer.
- Oh!
- Now you listen to me.
This is my game now.
You are going to tell Kevin that you
are not moving into our neighborhood,
and that you've decided
that you're feeling like it's time
that you go on
with your own life!
You're moving out
of our house immediately.
This is over!
Oh!
This isn't over,
not even close, girlie!
Well, bring it on,
Grandma.
That little bitch!
Let's go someplace near
the ocean and drink lunch.
What?
You know exactly what.
Move!
Move! Move!
What's wrong with you?
I am sick.
I am sick sick sick of your shit.
And I when I'm not sick,
I'm tired.
I am sick and tired.
What are you saying?
Damn you
and your luggage!
Ruby, you're not going
to leave me too, are you?
No, I'm not leaving you!
You old slut!
Ruby!
- Ruby, please...
- Hey, you almost forgot your dress!
You'll have nothing
to wear to the wedding.
See you, Ruby!
Maybe we can get you
a matching bonnet.
See you
at the rehearsal dinner!
Motherf...!
So, how's the bride-to-be
holding up?
Ooh, under the circumstances
I'd say mediocre. But she's tough.
Not as tough
as the old bird.
- What does that mean?
- For your own safety,
make sure you know where
the emergency exits are at all times.
Hey, are you
and my mom okay?
Great. Yeah, I just have a little
of the pre-wedding nerves,
but everything's
under control.
Of course.
Hello, everyone!
Welcome
to the rehearsal dinner.
- My God, she looks amazing.
- I know.
Oh!
Father Tyson.
Hello, Blaire.
Kit, how are you?
Hello, hello.
- Oh, you are Morgan.
- Yes.
I have heard so much about your delicious
catering service.
Oh! Oh, wow!
I have a lot of friends.
You're going to be a busy girl.
- And you're Remy.
- Yeah.
I recognize you from all the wonderful
things Charlie's told me about you.
Wow. Well, Ms. Fields,
I have to say...
- Oh, call me Viola. Please, I insist.
- Viola.
- All right, I'm gonna go get a drink.
- Okay.
I'm such a huge fan.
- Oh, you...
- Oh, l...
Well, mi casa, su casa.
Make yourself at home.
- Thank you. Bye, Viola.
- Cheers.
- Goodbye.
- I like her a lot. Hi.
- Hey!
- Hi!
- You guys have a nice little chit-chat? - Oh
my God. She came over
and started talking to us.
What did you want us to do?
- Ignore her?
- Yes!
So then getting her autograph
would be completely out of the question?
- Was that yes? 'Cause... okay.
- No.
So there I was sitting next
to the Sultan of Brunei
with Maureen Dowd,
Carrie Fisher and Snoop Dogg.
You know the story, Kevin.
I said to Snoop, "Snoop,
I think your lyrics
are sometimes a little
sexist and unfair to women."
And the Sultan of Brunei said,
"Really? I have wives
and they're all
huge fans of the Dogg!"
Honey, would you see
who's at the door?
Sure.
These are delicious, Viola.
Oh, Kit,
I'm glad you like it.
Mm, yeah.
Look who's here.
It's Dr. Chamberlain.
Oh my God!
It's Dr. Chamberlain.
- Hi! Everybody, it's Dr. Chamberlain!
- Hi. Good evening.
- Thanks so much for inviting me.
- Oh, shit!
That's Dr. Chamberlain.
He's Viola's doctor.
Oh, we're going to need
another place setting.
Oh, please,
let me get that.
- There's a chair in the living room.
- Sure.
Scootch down, you guys.
Come on, make room.
You guys move down.
Cheers. Thank you.
Who's he?
It's Viola's therapist.
Move down, you guys!
- Excuse me.
- No problem.
- Here's you chair, Doctor.
- Here. Have mine, too.
Hello.
Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I'll get it.
So you just got here?
- Are you expecting anyone else?
- Huh-uh.
- Hello, everybody!
- Fiona!
I'm so glad to see you.
I just couldn't resist
bringing the happy couple
a little gift.
That's great. I will
get you a place setting.
She's bringing a gift?
I think she is the gift.
What the hell
is she doing here?
- How about some more wine, everyone?
- Yeah!
How much longer do we have to stay?
I have midterms tomorrow.
Shh.
- Oh, I get it.
- No, baby, not now, okay?
It's not the time.
So, Dr. Chamberlain,
tell us about med school.
Where did you do your residency?
Uh, now that's...
that's a long story.
I don't think your guests
want to hear that.
No, we really
want to know.
I think we need
some more gravy.
What is going on?
What are you doing?
I'm behaving.
Viola, no!
You can't!
Charlie's allergic to nuts!
Give it to me!
Viola, you're crazy.
Oh, get up.
Put the gravy down
or I'm telling Kevin.
Yeah!
What's the big deal?
So her face swells up...
swells up a little.
So what?
Swells up a little? Her face'll
blow up like a Macy's Day balloon.
Well, good. It'll match
the other body parts!
Viola, think about
what you're doing.
Come on, the girl's
getting married tomorrow!
Ruby, when did you
lose your edge?
Right after
you lost your mind.
Come on.
All right. Okay.
No nuts.
Come on.
Viola, I think you
dislocated my vagina.
- Where's the...
- Where's the what?
Gravy? More gravy?
Anyone for more gravy?
Oh, I am not
doing time for you!
- Where's the back door?
- Stay cool, Ruby!
Stay cool! This is no time
to lose your nerve.
If I get arrested
I'm gonna sing like a canary.
Maybe she won't
take any gravy.
- That's a lot of gravy.
- Mmm!
This gravy's delicious!
You... you gotta go
stop her!
- Go on, stop her. Go stop her.
- You go, you go, you go.
Why me?
You're the culprit? You go!
- You're my assistant.
- What am I supposed to do?
Go out there and stick my finger
down her throat?
Yeah.
Baby, are you okay?
Kevin, my tongue
feels weird.
I think
something's wrong!
Charlie, are you okay?
- What are we gonna do now?
- Hide the damn nuts!
- Are you all right?
- Get her some water.
Flat or sparkling?
The caterer says he doesn't know how
this could have happened.
Well, I feel like I ate
a loaf of nuts.
I mean, even my tongue
is swollen.
You're marrying
a big, fat, puffy tomato mouth.
It's not that bad, really. Besides,
the swelling's already going down.
- Yeah?
- Hey, Kev.
- Yeah.
- Just coming to check up
on the bride-to-be.
For the love of God...
- Out!
- You see?
I told you it looks terrible.
- I told you.
- Baby, I promise you.
In hours the swelling
will be completely gone.
Give me that!
Door was open.
Oh thank God.
- The Bride of Frankenstein is gone.
- I know.
I was up half
the night worrying.
- You look great.
- I just don't know
- how those nuts got in there.
- Yeah.
Hmm.
Wait.
Hey, do you think
she would...
No!
Come on.
I mean, she's crazy,
but she's not like,
psycho-killer crazy.
Hmm.
No!
Oh, hey, I was wondering.
Could I bring a date
to your wedding?
Of course. My God.
How exciting.
Great. Thanks.
So then, I'll see you later.
But... w-wait!
- Who is he? Tell me!
- Oh, it's...
okay, don't be mad.
It's Dr. Chamberlain.
Actually "Paul."
- Is that his real name?
- That's very funny.
I gotta go get a mani, pedi
and my eyebrows waxed.
But I'll see you in
a couple hours, okay?
- Oh, let me go down with you.
- Okay.
Oh God.
She added
even more ruffles!
Where's your prom date,
senorita?
Oh, wait a minute. This is too
damn good. Where's my camera?
This is just too good.
Will you just get me
out of this right now?
Come here.
- Cheers.
- Hey.
Thanks for coming.
Okay, guys, let's go see
how Charlie's doing.
Ah, yes, please.
Uh-huh.
Oh my God. Those are
so much better than mine.
Don't... touch me!
I got out of that car
the same way I got in it...
without you.
Now where is she?
You here with the bride
or the groom?
I'm here with my mother.
Oh.
She looked a lot older. L...
Well, look
what we have here.
Oh my God.
You look beautiful.
Oh my God.
- Oh my God.
- This is it!
Yeah!
- Oh God, did you talk to the priest?
- I talked to him.
He's just going
to skip right over that whole
- "if anyone should object" part.
- Okay.
You're a vision in white,
sweetie, really.
Knock knock.
Look at you!
And so is your
mother-in-law.
Mm. Mm-mm-mm.
All right.
Everybody out.
Out.
Give the bride a moment.
- No way.
- What?
What is that?
- What?
- Where's your bridesmaid's dress?
Oh, I gave it
to Ruby's daughter.
She works at Hooters.
She was thrilled.
I don't have a daughter?
Oh.
Rude.
Take off that
white dress right now
or I'll take it off
for you.
Don't you tell me
what to do!
You did not
just poke me!
Don't you touch me,
you two-bit tramp!
Oh my God!
Viola, I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean to...
You don't go and slap somebody
then apologize.
Get some backbone!
God! This is crazy!
Why don't you just
face it?
I'm marrying Kevin today and there's
nothing you can do about it.
You face it! You'll never be
good enough for him!
Didn't stop you
from marrying my son.
- Oh God, no.
- Well, look at you.
All in white.
You are so predictable.
Oh, Gertrude.
I didn't know you were coming.
You didn't?
Wonder why.
Oh, I know.
You didn't send me
an invitation!
I thought you
were dead.
But evil doesn't die
so easily.
I heard you got sacked
and thrown into a loony bin.
- Oh! Oh!
- My congratulations.
Oh my God.
Oh my God!
These hors d'oeuvres
taste like old socks.
Now, I want to get
an up-close look
at the bride.
Holy Toledo!
You are a stunner!
My grandson
is a lucky fellah.
Look, what he did.
He went out and found
himself an exotic Latina!
Would that my son
had been that lucky.
Here we go again.
What? You were
a television weatherwoman
in Dubuque, Montana.
You drove around
in a broken-down minivan
and you drank red wine
from a box!
Classy.
You killed him,
you know?
- What?!
- You killed him.
All the doctors agreed,
my son died
of terminal disappointment!
If anybody killed him,
you did.
You smothered him
to death!
Nobody was ever
good enough for him!
My God, you look old!
Fine.
This woman is going
to drive me insane.
Now, I'd rather not
take all the credit.
You'll get over it.
- Okay, I love you.
- You're kidding.
This is never gonna end, is it?
I mean, that's going
to be me and you in years.
We'll be doing
the exact same thing.
You know what?
I wanted to marry Kevin
because we make each other happy.
But you're never gonna
let that happen.
Are you?
Oh my God.
I can't believe I'm saying this.
You win, Viola.
What do you mean?
The wedding's off.
Bye, Ruby.
I-I cannot believe
she compared me to Gertrude.
I know.
Now that's just wrong.
- Thank you.
- You are far worse.
I don't recall Gertrude
ever trying to poison you.
And I'm pretty sure
she wore black to your wedding.
Black. Yeah, she said
she was in mourning.
Mm-hmm.
I just want my son
to be happy.
Whatever made you
think he wasn't?
Hey, what are you
doing here?
Don't you know it's
bad luck to see the...
Charlie, what's wrong?
What is it?
Are you nervous?
Hey.
- Kevin, I need...
- Charlie,
I need to talk to you.
- Viola, stop it!
- It's the flower girls.
- They're drunk again.
- What?
Yeah, in the toilet.
Not now, Viola, okay?
It's really important.
Just give us a minute.
She'll be right there.
Please?
Charlie, what is it?
I'll be right back.
What do you want, Viola?
I don't want you
to walk out on this wedding.
You don't?
No, I don't.
What, am I supposed to believe
that you've had some epiphany?
That all of the sudden,
everything is going to be different?
It's never been
about you, Charlie.
It's me.
I've been so afraid
of losing him.
He's the only family
I've got.
This is my chance
for a family, too.
- And I'm scared.
- Oh!
Don't blow your chance
for happiness.
You've never needed
my approval.
He's loved you
from the very beginning.
And I promise I will
get out of the way
and let the two of you
be happy.
That's not what I want.
I mean, there just has
to be some boundaries, Viola.
I can do boundaries!
I don't love boundaries
but I can do them.
How about the number of times
you call Kevin a day?
Can we limit that
to, like, one?
Oh, I need at least
four minimum.
- He's years old.
- Three?
- Two.
- Deal.
Two long-ass calls!
When Kevin and I
have kids,
he and I will decide
how they're raised.
All right. But you know I have
raised one wonderful boy.
- And my advice could be very...
- Will be solicited when needed.
All right, as long as one kid
is named after me.
- Middle name.
- Deal.
What else?
Holidays
and special occasions.
Are you gonna keep
me away?
You must be present
for every Christmas,
Thanksgiving,
birthday,
school play,
clarinet recital
and soccer game
in our kids' lives.
I want you to love them
and spoil them
and teach them things
that Kevin and I can't.
Like how to throw
a right hook for example.
I want you there, Viola.
I do, up front and center.
From this point
I will not negotiate.
Damn. That girl can give
a nice little speech.
Deal?
Oh...
can they call me "Aunt Viola"
instead of "Grandma"?
Fine.
Come on, unzip me.
Viola, you don't
have to wear that dress, really.
Yes, I do. Really.
Go, Kevin and Charlie!
Yeah!
Mom!
Do you really think I would leave without
saying goodbye?
I love you, Mom.
- Thanks for everything.
- Go.
Bye, you guys!
Okay, everybody gather around
the back of the car!
Charlie!
Charlie, right here!
Right here, Charlie!
Sheesh.
- Oh, Hawaii! I cannot wait!
- I know. I can't either.
Have a great
time in Hawaii!
- Good luck!
- Have fun in Hawaii!
Just you and me
now, Ruby!
Jesus. Who did I kill
in a past life?
And take off
that damn dress.
You look like
a giant peach cobbler.
You're making me hungry.
Come on, weathergirl,
I'll buy you a box of wine.
For once in my life
I have someone
who needs me
Someone I needed
so long
For once, unafraid
I can go
where life leads me
Somehow I know
I'll be strong
For once, I can touch
What my heart
used to dream of
Long before I knew
Oh, someone warm
like you
Would make my dream
come true
- Yeah yeah yeah
- For once in our lives
For once in my life
I won't let sorrow
hurt me
Not like it's hurt me
before
Not like
it's hurt before
For once,
I have something
I know won't
desert me
- I'm not alone anymore
- I'm not alone
For once, I can say
"This is mine,
you can't take it"
As long as I know
I have love I can make it
For once in my life
I have someone
who needs me
Someone who needs me
Ah-hah-hah,
hey yeah!
Someone who needs me
All I need
is love, baby
For once in my life
Make our dreams
come true
- For once in my life
- For once in my life
I won't let
sorrow hurt me
- Not like it's hurt me before
- Not like it hurt before
For once, I have something
I know won't desert me
- I'm not alone anymore
- I'm not alone anymore
For once I can say
"This is mine,
you can't take it"
Long as I know
I have love I can make it
For once in my life
I have someone
who needs me
- Someone who needs me
- Oh
For once in my life
- Someone who needs me
- Yeah
Somebody that needs me
- Someone who needs me
- For once in my life.
You can cry
a million tears
You can wait
a million years
If you think that time
will change your ways
Don't wait too long
When your morning
turns to night
Who'll be loving you
by candlelight?
If you think that time
will change your ways
Don't wait too long
Maybe I've got a lot
to learn
Time can slip away
Sometimes you've got
to lose it all
Before you find
your way
Take a chance
and play your part
Make romance,
it might break your heart
But if you think time
will change your ways
Don't wait too long
Baby, you and I've got
a lot to learn
Don't want to waste
another day
Maybe you got
to lose it all
Before you find
your way
Take a chance,
play your part
Make romance,
it might break your heart
But if you think time
will change your ways
Don't wait too long
Don't wait
Yeah.
Gettin' old.