Mr. Troop Mom Script - Dialogue Transcript

Mr. Troop Mom Script

  
  
Have a good day, baby.
I love you, Snuggle Bear.

  
You remember
your inhaler?

  
Oh, not you, Mrs. B.
You have a good day too.

  
All right, kids. Learn a lot.
You're our future.

  
Sorry, but I just got up. Bye.

  
Oh! Oh. Ah.

  
Spring Action Classic meeting tonight.

  
I'm counting on you, Dad.

  
Throwing yourself off that stage.

  
Landing in the arms of adoring fans.
Man, that must feel great.

  
Of course, when no one catches you...

  
...not so great.

  
Opposing counsel presented the argument
that it was my client's band...

  
...that was responsible for the music.

  
And it was the music
that made that dude do it.

  
He did it. You can't argue with that.

  
I know me...

  
...soon as I hear music, I gotta rock.

  
Dink-dink-dink, din-din-din-din.

  
Mr. Serrano,
I think you've made your point.

  
You don't get it, judge.
It's not me, it's the music.

  
It makes me crazy.

  
Mr. Serrano, last chance.

  
Crazy.
- Last chance, Mr. Serrano.

  
I'm crazy.

  
But not that crazy.

  
We are all responsible
for our own actions.

  
And those actions
come with consequences. Rock on.

  
Sixty seven, 68, 69...

  
...$369.22.

  
I thought we needed to raise to go to the Classic.

  
- Hello, Paulina? We're short.
- Oh.

  
I heard Skyler's team's raised zip.

  
That's because her mother
will just give it to her anyway.

  
- We need that money and fast.
- Yeah.

  
- What are you doing?
- Texting Paulina, to remind her.

  
- She's right here.
- This is faster.

  
- Okay.
- Incoming.

  
Hey, Naomi. Raising money
to go to the Classic? So diligent.

  
It's gonna be the biggest
Spring Action Classic weekend ever.

  
- This year, we're bringing home that trophy.
- My goodness, I'm shivering, I'm so scared.

  
- Save it for the weekend.
- Yeah, save it, doll. You're gonna need it.

  
Spring Action Classic meeting tonight.

  
I'm counting on you, Dad.

  
Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh.
Take the deal. Take the deal, you idiot.

  
- Oh, look who it is, Mr. No-Show.
- Okay, don't start with me.

  
Mr. Sure-I'll-Be-There.

  
- Not. Mr. I'm-So-Busy-I-Can't.
- Okay, where's Naomi?

  
Where do you think, brainiac?
She's in her room.

  
Remind me again why I work for you.

  
Come on. You need a car wash!

  
Come on, please.
Come on, get a car wash!

  
Two, four, six, eight!

  
Come on. Car wash!
Five dollars. Don't you have $5 to spare?

  
Not a single car? Not even one?

  
Okay. Don't be discouraged.
It's still early. Anybody want a snack?

  
Naomi, you've got to call your dad. Tell him
to send over some of his lawyer friends.

  
- Yeah, like, fancy cars and fat tips.
- He's in court. He'll kill me.

  
- What does it matter? We're already dead.
- Okay, okay, I'll do it, I'll go.

  
- Oh, my gosh. Got one.
- Come on, guys. Come on.

  
Oh, keep it going, keep it going.

  
- You need a real car wash.
- Gosh.

  
No.
- Keep going.

  
Sorry, losers.

  
We, the jury,
find Rocky Ferguson not guilty.

  
Yes. I owe you big time, Eddie.

  
If there is every anything...
I mean, anything you need...

  
- Concert tickets, you... Thank you.
- Oh, huggy-do.

  
Cut it out.

  
- Naomi.
- Dad? Stop.

  
- Guys, my phone.
- Hello?

  
Dad. Stop, guys.

  
Hello?

  
Hi. Naomi Serrano?

  
Hey, baby, you okay?

  
You hungry?

  
- I'll make you a bowl of cereal.
- I'm fine.

  
Okay.

  
Mommy's favorite song.

  
Yeah. Okay.

  
Get your rest.

  
What'd she like about it?

  
I mean, was she, like, some place special
when you guys heard it?

  
Were you guys doing something fun?

  
Something fun.

  
I forget.

  
Okay.

  
Dinner's in an hour.

  
A nine-year-old metro girl
has a new lease on life...

  
No TV during dinner.

  
- Are you gonna be home early every night?
- That's the plan, girlfriend.

  
Harry.

  
What's going on? What? When?

  
- Hang on. What are you doing?
- Homework.

  
- That's Naomi's homework.
- I know.

  
Well, shouldn't Naomi be doing it?

  
We have a game we play every night,
see who can do it faster.

  
It help me with my English.

  
And who usually wins this little game
you guys play every night?

  
Me.

  
I gotta call you back.

  
Let me ask you something.
You ever see Naomi's homework?

  
You don't. You know why you don't?
She's not doing it.

  
You know why?
Because you're doing it for her.

  
Smart girl. She know, can't beat me.

  
Look, look. I win again.

  
Naomi, you biggest loser.

  
I don't think so.

  
- I was in the middle of talking to Kayla.
- And now you're talking to me.

  
How long has Catalina been doing
your homework?

  
- It's just English, Dad. No big deal.
- Cheating on your homework is a big deal.

  
It's just homework. Chill.

  
Chill? When did you start
talking to me like that?

  
Like what?

  
Like, what... What did I miss?

  
Look, there are rules in this house
and doing your own homework tops the list.

  
So you're home early one day and all
of a sudden, there are these rules?

  
- Oh, she got a point there.
- Quiet.

  
Where do you think you're going?

  
Hold on a minute, Naomi.
I'm not done talking to you.

  
- Sam's here.
- Sam can wait.

  
- I wanna know what's going on.
- If you were ever here, you would know.

  
That's changing as of right now.
I'm still your father.

  
When it's convenient.
- What's that supposed to mean?

  
- Is this a bad time?
- My dad's trying on his father cap.

  
Not a good fit.

  
That's it. I want you
to go back up to your room now.

  
Gladly. Sam.

  
And no computer, no phone,
no TV, no nothing.

  
No air.

  
And don't slam the door.

  
This is a bad time,
I'll just come back later.

  
No, no, no.
You get here just in time for fireworks.

  
I know, be quiet.

  
I was just dropping by
the release forms...

  
...for the Classic this weekend,
but I'll come back later.

  
Know what? It's fine.
Come in, Miss Dubinski.

  
Can you believe those kids?
If I talked to my dad like that, bam!

  
I'd be in critical condition, life support.
He hit me in 10th grade...

  
...I woke up senior year, cap and gown...

  
- Eddie.
- What's the matter?

  
I think I'm in labor.

  
You're pregnant? I thought you had
just been hitting the chips too hard.

  
I'm in labor, Eddie.

  
My water just broke.

  
All right. Is there something I can get you?
A towel? A bucket?

  
Okay, stay calm. Stay calm.

  
Stay calm. Breathe. I need some help.
Miss D's having a baby.

  
- Breathe, breathe, breathe.
- Mom.

  
- Mom, are you okay?
- Yeah.

  
Sam, call your dad.
Catalina, get some towels.

  
- She's not having the baby here, are you?
- Oh, God.

  
Relax, Eddie. I'm not gonna make it to
the hospital, okay? Talk about bad timing.

  
It gives the floor the just-waxed look.

  
I'm talking about this weekend.
The girls are gonna be so upset.

  
Don't worry. I'm sure one of
the other moms can take us.

  
Kayla's mother is sick and Paulina's
mother is on vacation and...

  
- What about you, Eddie?
- Me? You're kidding, right?

  
Do I look like I'm kidding?

  
No, no, no, I could never do what...

  
Never do what a mom does.
He can barely do what a dad does.

  
- What's all that negative?
- Get real. You'd be way out of your league.

  
- I'll do it.
- No way.

  
- I'll do it.
- No, as in not even way. No.

  
Yes, way. You are now looking
at your new Team Mom.

  
Man. Whatever.

  
Report to my campsite at 09000 hours.

  
Oh, my gosh, oh, my gosh.
This is gonna be so fun.

  
- Come on.
- I want the back seat.

  
Harry, this is your big chance.
I'm gonna be gone.

  
For how long?
- Just a couple of days.

  
Oh, my God. I'm so excited.

  
You'll be fine.
Find the fix, my man, find the fix.

  
Oh, where you going?

  
Fathers may perform the services
of Team Mom.

  
However, an adult female chaperone
is required on all out-of-town trips.

  
Page 11 of manual. Weep it and read.

  
Weep it and read.

  
Lot of cases here.
I don't know if I can handle these.

  
You will be fine.

  
Eddie?
- I'm a big fan of yours.

  
There's, like, 30 cases here.
- I will be back before you know it.

  
Eddie.
- Bye, Harry.

  
Eddie. Eddie!

  
- Ah! Hey, you scared me.
- Hello, Eddie.

  
- Hi, Denise.
- Well, what do you know?

  
- Just dropping off?
- Yeah... Uh, no.

  
I'm actually Team Mom this year.

  
Oh, Eddie.

  
Oh, you are so funny.

  
- Where's Mrs. Dubinski?
- She had her baby.

  
A boy, 50 pounds, 8 ounces.

  
I know because she had it in my foyer.

  
Oh, well,
talk about a turn of events, huh?

  
Let the games begin.

  
Awkward.

  
Welcome to the fifth annual
Spring Action Classic at Hulka's Rock.

  
Congratulations, girls.
You have worked hard to be here...

  
...and you have made
your schools proud.

  
Now, are you ready to have some fun?

  
Sorry, I thought
this microphone was working.

  
I said, are you ready to have some fun?

  
- Where are all the dudes?
- Now, it is my pleasure...

  
...to introduce you
to the director of activities...

  
...and host again
to our Spring Action Classic.

  
The highly decorated commander in chief,
Miss Hulka.

  
You will be challenged this weekend,
both as a team and as individuals.

  
The weak among you will be weeded out.

  
And only one team
will earn the respect...

  
...the right, and the honor
to be called Hulka's Heroes.

  
Who will be taking home the
Spring Action Classic trophy this year?

  
That'd be us.

  
Will it be the Dragon Flies?

  
How about them Killer Bees?

  
- Whatever.
- Or will it be last year's returning champs...

  
...The Wasps?

  
Dad.
- What's up, fool?

  
Hey.
- I'll need you to bring me a few things.

  
- Okay, write this down.
- Turn it off.

  
Eddie. Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.

  
It locked. I'm not sure what the code is.

  
- Dad.
- It locked. Five...

  
Shut it off.

  
Sorry, sir, my bad.

  
Come on, guys.
- The cabin.

  
Look at the cabin. Oh, I'm so excited.

  
Me too, awesome.

  
Come on, Catalina.
Shotty top bunk.

  
Where do you think you're going?
- My cabin.

  
- Isn't this...?
- For the girls.

  
You're right here.

  
Right where?

  
Right here.

  
- Here you go.
- What's this?

  
A tent.

  
- Need help setting it up?
- I beg your pardon?

  
It's a tent.
Do you need help setting it up?

  
I been camping since I was 18 months old.
Do you understand?

  
Soon as they cut my cord,
I was in the woods. I didn't have a bib.

  
I had a vest with a lot of zippers.
Wipes, binky.

  
I drank milk out of a canteen.

  
Do you understand what I'm saying?
Thank you very much, but I got it.

  
- What is your name?
- CC.

  
Okay, CC, you know what I'm gonna do?
I'll make you a blouse out of tree bark.

  
- Really?
- Really.

  
I mean, I've camped a lot. Well, it
wasn't somewhere like this, luxurious.

  
I mean, it was deep. Deep woods. Frozen.

  
- You know, baby-verses-nature stuff.
- Right.

  
Whereabouts do you do
this deep camping?

  
It was far.
It was over, you know, this ravine.

  
You had to traverse,
and it was down and across.

  
No names though.
No towns or no camps.

  
Just signs that would say:

  
- Huh.
- Mosquitoes got lost.

  
They'd just jump on you,
just for a ride back.

  
Well, gosh, you're a real mountain man.

  
I just shaved my beard with a rock.
The dull part.

  
Huh.

  
Well, it is gonna be something
having you here this weekend, Eddie.

  
- I appreciate that, thank you.
- Okay.

  
Oh, when you are set up, Miss Hulka
would like to see you in her office, okay?

  
Okay. You know what?
Tell her she doesn't have to call me.

  
Just rub a couple twigs together,
I'll just pick up the sound.

  
Right.

  
Okay.

  
- Wanna know my Indian name?
- The tent, Eddie.

  
- Focus on the tent.
- It's Dances With Squirrels.

  
I just grab their little:

  
Oh, my God.
- I call top bunk.

  
Paulina, I'm on the bottom.
- Where's my eyeliner?

  
God, that doesn't go there.

  
What a...?

  
Hello?

  
Hello?

  
Hello?

  
Anybody home?

  
Wow.

  
- Teeth look really sharp.
- Do not touch.

  
Sorry.

  
Flatlander.

  
Softy.

  
Slacker.

  
It's my job to know the enemy.

  
Know the enemy, what?
Hey, how did you get ahold of my stuff?

  
Nose clippers, hair gel,
world's loudest cell phone.

  
Unauthorized.

  
- Who sent you?
- What?

  
You from OSHA?

  
I think there's been kind
of a misunderstanding. I...

  
Sneak attack, huh? Sending a man in?
A whole dad thing?

  
Very good cover story.

  
So OSHA wants to make sure
my camp is up to snuff.

  
Look, I'm not from OSHA.

  
You a lawyer?
Because I can smell a lawyer.

  
I'm a lawyer. But I'm not from...

  
My camp is always blue-ribbon ready,
Mr. Serrano.

  
I pride myself on clean barracks, good
chow and plenty of fresh air and exercise.

  
- Wow, lady, look...
- Miss Hulka.

  
Miss Hulka, I'm having some issues
with my daughter, Naomi.

  
That's the only reason I'm here.

  
- How much do you weigh?
- I'm sorry?

  
Maybe 200? No, more like 195.

  
Lightweight.
But then we both know that, don't we?

  
- Don't we?
- Yes, sir.

  
- Sergeant Commander Hulka.
- Your uniform.

  
It's to be worn at all times.

  
Whatever your ulterior motives,
Mr. Serrano...

  
...I guarantee
that when you leave my mountain...

  
...you will be a changed man.

  
I'm starting to feel the change already.
So I'll just collect my stuff...

  
Oh, okay. Another time.

  
This ain't gonna happen.

  
I wanna win so bad this year, Sam.

  
But if we have my dad...

  
If it weren't for your dad,
we wouldn't even be here.

  
- Snap out of it, Naomi. He'll be fine.
- Did you see him try to pitch his tent?

  
- Pathetic.
- But really funny.

  
Oh, my gosh, what's that smell?

  
What's that smell?
What's that terrible smell? Oh, it's Skyler.

  
Funny, Sam.
Not very age appropriate, but funny.

  
- Bumble Bees?
- More like Fumble Bees.

  
That is so funny.
Look at me, I'm dying inside.

  
Come on, we can do this.
Killer Bees rule.

  
Yeah. Killer Bees rule.

  
Come on. It's a little hike, fresh air.

  
- A little exercise, it'll do you good.
- Nope.

  
What do you mean "no"? They just need
a mom for a couple of hours.

  
- Besides, I got a lot of work I gotta do.
- You the king bee, buzz off.

  
That's funny. King bee, get it, get it?

  
- If I was a bee, I'd sting you in your neck.
- You lie in your tent, now you make it.

  
Good morning, campers,
and welcome to the flag challenge.

  
Hey, I'm talking.

  
That's it, everybody. Right here.

  
Each team
has been given a different map.

  
The goal is to navigate that mountain
and collect all three colored flags.

  
Team Moms will participate in the
mountain challenge and are responsible...

  
...for their girls' safety and conduct.

  
All right, ladies,
let's set a good example, huh?

  
Let's go, girls.
This is your 10-minute warning, okay?

  
Now, it's our first event,
so let's warm up, do lots of stretching.

  
Unless you're intent on killing
every living creature in this forest...

  
...please stop spraying.
- Okay.

  
Where's your uniform?

  
I'm having it altered
because I was having a couple of issues.

  
If you think disobeying
my direct order...

  
...won't affect how your team finishes,
you got another thing coming, mister. CC.

  
- Yes.
- Deduct three points from this team.

  
- What?
- Thanks a lot, Dad.

  
Hey, enjoy your flag challenge.

  
I know I will.

  
Thank you, commander.

  
Oh, great.

  
Wow.

  
- You charmed the Hulk, huh?
- How could I not?

  
Too bad, I like a man in uniform.

  
I think you'd like any man alive.

  
It's exciting, huh?

  
- I'm thrilled.
- You and I going head-to-head.

  
Or should I say stinger-to-stinger?

  
- I'll save a place for you at dinner.
- Okay. Not hungry.

  
- Where's the map, Paulina?
- I put it right next to the compass, I think.

  
If you didn't have to keep running
to the bathroom every two minutes...

  
...to fix your hair, it might still be there.
- Sorry.

  
Lose something?

  
- Give that back.
- Not even a thank you...

  
...for returning something that I could
have easily left on the bathroom floor?

  
- It was on the bathroom floor?
- Give me that.

  
Maybe it should be more than
a thank you.

  
How about a little curtsy
from the princess?

  
How about a sock in the mouth
from her friend?

  
Try not to get lost.

  
- You girls ready?
- Just try not to embarrass us, Dad.

  
Embarrass you guys?

  
The other moms don't know
that I have cat-like reflexes. Like that:

  
Let the games begin.

  
Stay together!

  
Stay together!

  
- That way.
- Okay.

  
I knew that. Oh, my God.

  
Oh, boy.

  
All right, team. Whoa. Ouch. Ooh.

  
Careful.
All right, here we go. All right.

  
Guys, I found it.
- Right there.

  
We got it.

  
Hey, girls. I'm right here.

  
- Dad, hurry up.
- I'm coming, girls. I'm coming.

  
All right.

  
I might be old school,
but in my days, the leader went first.

  
Dad.
- I'm coming.

  
- That way.
- Yeah, up there.

  
Trying to lose the old man, huh?

  
That's nice.

  
Hey, look, I can see Russia from here.

  
Mr. Serrano, over here.

  
Hey, how did you
guys get ahead of me?

  
We found the second flag.

  
- Congratulations.
- Hurry up, Dad. We're losing time.

  
And I suppose a pregnant lady
would be better?

  
- Yeah.
- That hurt.

  
There's always a fix.

  
Hello, fix.

  
I got a bad feeling about this.
- I got it.

  
Okay.

  
Ow! That hurt. I think I may have peed.

  
Wait for me.
- My hair.

  
- You sure you know where we are?
- You know what my middle name is?

  
- What?
- GPS. I think it's this way.

  
Over here, come on.
- Come on.

  
- Come on.
- They fall for it?

  
Oh, yeah.

  
My feet hurt.
- Me too.

  
Me three.
- You guys are so delicate.

  
This can't be right. We should have
reached the last flag by now.

  
- I have to go the bathroom.
- Yeah, no problem, it's over there.

  
Oh. Where?

  
Right there, right there, right there,
and right there.

  
- They're called trees, pick one.
- A tree? Outside?

  
You wanna know what
they call leaves?

  
I can wait.

  
Skyler.

  
What about her?

  
The map doesn't make sense...

  
...because she changed it.

  
They should have been back by now.

  
Two tours, never lost a soldier.

  
- What was that?
- Some kind of bird, I hope.

  
Those are awful big birds.

  
- I don't think I can hold it any longer.
- You're not the only one.

  
Oh, I've been hit. Oh!

  
Man down.

  
Call 911. I'm so cold.

  
- Medic, man down.
- You weren't shot, Dad.

  
Then what is it,
some kind of bird puke?

  
You've been slimed.

  
Hey. Whoever's out there,
you don't know who you're messing with.

  
Help.

  
- Okay, that's it, I need a tree.
- Mother, help.

  
Now, that guy's cute.

  
- This is ACP.
- AC what?

  
- Alien Catcher Property.
- Help.

  
I can't feel my legs.

  
- Do you know him?
- That's my dad.

  
- Code red. Code red.
- Call me on my cell, 555-5595.

  
555? How about 911?

  
Where'd everybody go?

  
Oh, oh, no. Oh, no, no. No.

  
No!

  
Look, I found it, I found it.

  
Cover for me when the girls go to sleep.
I need a hotel room, a shower, a bed.

  
I need to get back to my roots.
Sleeping outside is ridiculous.

  
Welcome to the jungle.

  
- I'll be back first thing in the morning.
- Okay, grab an extra pudding for me.

  
I take more than two,
people look at me funny.

  
Look at you funny?
It's not the pudding.

  
Hello.

  
Thank God you called.
I've been trying to get ahold of you all day.

  
- I got hung up.
- No, don't hang up. Don't hang up.

  
I did everything with the McQuade case
and the DA still refuses to settle.

  
Do you have any idea
what my father's gonna do...

  
...if I have to lose my first case?
He's gonna kill me.

  
Daddy's boy, take it easy.

  
It's lights out here at 10:00,
so why don't you meet me here at 10:30?

  
Tonight? I can meet you at 10:30.
That's great. No problem.

  
At the service entrance. And, Harry,
bring me a few things. Write this down.

  
A blow-up mattress, a portable heater
and a fully-charged cell phone.

  
And while you're at it,
throw in a bottle of aspirin.

  
I got a feeling
it's gonna be a long weekend.

  
Okay, bye, Grandma, I love you so much.

  
What? No, your grandma?
I don't know where she lives.

  
There's ice cream in the freezer, bye.

  
That's my grandma. Just making sure
she has everything she needs.

  
- Grandma Harry?
- Um, Harriet.

  
- That phone is for emergency use only.
- And that's why I used it.

  
This is an extreme emergency.
She's very sick.

  
As a matter of fact, it is a five-level
disease that is ravaging her body.

  
There's brain, kidney, liver, clots...

  
...that have manifested and magnified
in her elbow.

  
She is an amazingly strong woman,
and it's so hard...

  
...to see her, like, the way she is.

  
Right, and I bet she lives in a little town
in the mountain where the signs just say:

  
Yes, yes.

  
She was valedictorian
and it's hard for her...

  
...because she has the right answers
but she can't raise her arm.

  
- Jesus, it's bad.
- Do you ever stop?

  
I'm never gonna be able to sleep
just thinking about him.

  
Who?

  
The cutie who shot your dad.
What if he's trying to call me?

  
I've never been this attracted
to a slimeballer.

  
I need my cell phone.

  
Lights out, ladies, it's 10:00.

  
You too, Naomi.

  
Mr. Serrano, could you just
please get me my cell phone back?

  
- Just for two seconds?
- Uh... Let me think about that. No.

  
- What's wrong with you?
- That fourth pudding got me.

  
Please?

  
Mr. Serrano, did you know
that bats are natural reservoirs...

  
...for many deadly pathogens such
as rabies, SARS and even Ebola virus?

  
You're too good at this.
Rent yourself out to parties.

  
It's okay, Dad.
She's just afraid of the dark.

  
- She does this every year.
- Many spiders, such as black widows...

  
...can inject venom that interferes
with body functions.

  
Good to know.

  
No, no.
- What's the matter?

  
- Sam's gum, it's in my hair.
- Oh, okay.

  
- Sit down, sit down. Little help here.
- Naomi.

  
- Find the fix. Find the fix.
- I need to be burped.

  
Dad, Dad, do something.
- Oh, no.

  
Hello, fix.

  
Good, good, good. Right there.

  
Little bit there.

  
- Who could possibly chew this much gum?
- Sam.

  
Be careful.
- Just let me even it up.

  
Okay, I got it.

  
I got a wonderful shampoo
that'll highlight your torn edges.

  
- Hey, I fixed it.
- Not bad, boss.

  
I feel like Posh.

  
Do I look like her?

  
Howling is the wolf's method for
communicating in thickly-forested areas.

  
It usually precedes
to the adult's departure to hunt.

  
Kayla.

  
You have to think of being outside
in the woods...

  
...as an opportunity
to cleanse your mind and your body.

  
All the wonderful air and exercise
allows your body to relax...

  
...and for you to fall asleep.

  
Okay.

  
Thanks for holding my hand.
That's what my mom does.

  
Good night.

  
- Harry.
- Eddie, hey.

  
Shh!
- Oh.

  
- What took so long?
- I've been a little busy.

  
That's great.

  
- Awesome. How does this thing work?
- It inflates automatically.

  
- Beautiful.
- That's a pillow and I got you a heater.

  
- Great job, Harry.
- Yeah. Hey.

  
- Cooler full of ice too.
- Oh, do you? All right.

  
Oh, get down.

  
Where are you, little man?
You hiding?

  
Come out, come out, wherever you are.

  
Where are you, pal?
You and your friends at OSHA, huh?

  
Think you're gonna put one by me?
Well, you've got another thing coming.

  
You gotta get out of here.

  
- We go to court on Tuesday.
- Go.

  
No, Eddie. There's 17 cases here.
I can't do them all.

  
Spread out!
- I need your help. Eddie, Eddie.

  
This is very irrational.
- Two of you? Well, a little challenge.

  
Okay, oh, Eddie.

  
- I'll meet you over...
- Get away.

  
- Run.
- I'm not sure where I'm going.

  
Run.
- Oh, Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.

  
- Oh, gee, you're right there.
- You're with the shark?

  
Oh, no, he's my mentor.

  
Mentor?

  
- It's like a really good teacher.
- I know what a mentor is.

  
I'm having a hard time believing it.
So, what do you think, more dogs?

  
What? Oh, that's you.

  
- What kind of camp did you say this was?
- Mine.

  
Terrifying.

  
- You snore really loud, Mr. Serrano.
- What?

  
Deviated septum.

  
If you leave now, I won't remember you.

  
Deviated septum.

  
Deviated septum.

  
Thank you.

  
Hey, Paulina. Sorry about the whole
Yorkie-terrier look I did on your hair.

  
- That's okay. Naomi did a little trimming.
- It's a good look on you.

  
Kayla said that if I use
half the shampoo that I used to...

  
...I can reduce the risk
of, like, scalp cankers...

  
...and premature baldness
for, like, 15 years.

  
And I'll be so old by then,
it won't even matter.

  
That's Kayla. Glass is always half-empty.

  
What'd she say about incontinence?
Anything?

  
- You seen Naomi?
- Oh. Um...

  
She was up at the cabin
writing in her journal.

  
All right, great.

  
Here's the latest.

  
"This is the worst
Action Classic trip ever.

  
Skyler's right, my dad is a clown.

  
Bozo the Clown.
Everything's a big joke to him.

  
I really hoped this year would be
the year we finally won.

  
I feel like I'm letting down my team
by having him here."

  
- Aw, baby.
- Hey, give me that.

  
What's wrong with you guys?
This is private.

  
I used to be proud of my dad.

  
It's days like this
that I miss Mommy more than ever.

  
- Eddie.
- Hey.

  
Naomi wants
to drop out of the competition.

  
Drop out? She's been looking forward
to this all year.

  
- She wants to go home.
- What'd you tell her?

  
That we'd talk about it at lunch.

  
- Where is she?
- Look...

  
...Miss Hulka feels it may be better
if you sit out this morning's events.

  
And unfortunately,
I have to agree with her.

  
Wait a second. If I don't go down there,
she's gonna think I quit on her.

  
- I'm sure she'll understand.
- Okay, but you don't understand.

  
I don't quit on anybody.

  
I've never been a quitter
and I'm not quitting on my own daughter.

  
I am sorry, Eddie.

  
Oh, okay, look, CC.

  
I've never been in the woods before.
I've never slept in a tent.

  
I had no idea what I was getting myself
into when I agreed to come down here.

  
But I'm here, all I want is a chance
to prove to my daughter...

  
...that I can do this for real.

  
What do you say?

  
Eddie, still want me to burn this?

  
I said don't burn it
when you're ironing it.

  
Thank you.

  
Oh, no.

  
What's everybody sitting for?
Today's the day we kick some booty.

  
- Let's rock 'n' roll.
- Dad, now what are you up to?

  
No time to talk.
Bucket Brigade starts in five.

  
We got our work cut out for us
if we're gonna win.

  
Everybody in. Killer Bees on three.
One, two, three.

  
- Killer Bees.
- Buzz, buzz.

  
I know. I look hot.

  
This, young ladies,
is the bucket challenge.

  
You will fill your buckets,
you will run the course.

  
And the first team to fill their barrel
is the winner.

  
If you spill,
you're gonna make more trips.

  
More trips means more time,
and that can cost you the win.

  
Good luck, girls. Ready?

  
- Got a license for that thing?
- Starter pistol.

  
If it's fire power you're looking for,
I got plenty.

  
Believe me, you don't wanna go there.
All right, let's go, kids.

  
I didn't know
if you were gonna make it today, Eddie.

  
It would have been such a letdown.

  
Don't spill, Skyler! God.

  
Right in the other ear.
Thank you for that.

  
Okay, Mom and Dad,
you can only touch the bucket...

  
...when the runner goes past this line
or else you're disqualified.

  
And you better get ready
because I see them coming.

  
Watch out for the snake.
- Where?

  
Come on, come on. Go, go, go!

  
- Dad!
- Come on, baby.

  
- Come on, come on.
- Come on!

  
Careful, girls.
- Come on, girls.

  
My grandmother runs faster than you.

  
Whoa, whoa! Catch her!

  
Ow!
- Oh, are you okay?

  
- My ankle.
- Hey.

  
You're over the line. You touch
that bucket, your team's disqualified.

  
Touching the bucket? Get on my back.

  
- Come on.
- Get on.

  
- Can he do that?
- Wow, I'm impressed.

  
Way to go, boss.

  
Hang on tight. You hanging on?
- I'm hanging on.

  
Run!

  
Come on.

  
Skyler's catching up.
Do something.

  
- Come on, Skyler.
- Excuse us.

  
- Little help.
- In your dreams.

  
Here they come.

  
Give me the bucket.

  
Winner! Winner!

  
Winner!

  
I don't know about you, Eddie,
but I found this morning exhilarating.

  
Am I moving too fast?

  
I just think maybe
you got the wrong idea, Denise.

  
Eddie, I'm a big girl, I can take it.
If I'm not your type, just say it.

  
You know, I don't wanna hurt you.

  
Say it.

  
I wish you were able
to read between the lines.

  
- Say it.
- You're not my type.

  
You shouldn't have said that.

  
I can never do nothing at this lake.

  
Whoa, nice legs. You go, girl.

  
This is where we get it back. You have been
playing soccer since you were 4 years old.

  
Yeah, this time, it's in canoes.
Maybe it will be easier.

  
I like the way you think.

  
What's wrong with you?

  
I... I can't swim.

  
What do you mean you can't swim?
You're a kid.

  
- Dad.
- Oh.

  
Okay. All right, look,
that's nothing to be ashamed of.

  
Listen, you do my job
and I'll do yours, okay?

  
Give me that thing.

  
Hey, we're teammates.
Try to control your excitement.

  
Hey. Can he do that?

  
- As long as it's a four-person team.
- Go chain yourself to the scoreboard.

  
Perfectly legal.

  
Get out.

  
Mom's taking over, Skyler. Let's go.

  
And that ball is in play!

  
This is what we trained for.

  
- Let's go!
- Hurry up!

  
Switch.

  
Now go for it!

  
Row.

  
- Yes!
- All right!

  
Yeah! There you go, come on.

  
Now, go for it!

  
Oh, come on. You hit like a girl.

  
Yes.

  
- Don't let them get it.
- You're favoring Killer Bees.

  
- I'm not favoring.
- We're supposed to be impartial.

  
Ladies, we've got 30 seconds.

  
- Ladies and gentlemen, 30 seconds.
- Yes! Go for it.

  
Yes!

  
Come on, team. Go team.

  
- Come on, Dad.
- Switch.

  
- Go.
- I can't, Mom.

  
I like that! Good. Take it in the face!

  
- That's game! Killer Bees win!
- All right!

  
No shame in not being able to swim.

  
Hey, your team won today.
Congratulations.

  
Yeah, we won.
But I still feel like I embarrassed Naomi.

  
We were just starting to connect.
I mean, look at the way I'm dressed.

  
I mean, we were having fun on the lake
until my face broke that paddle.

  
Being a single dad,
and Naomi's mom passing away...

  
...I thought this time
would be good for us.

  
But it's been tough
with her not being around, you know?

  
Nobody can take her place.

  
I am so sorry.

  
I had no idea.

  
I lost my mom when I was young,
so I know how hard this can be.

  
You know, she seems like
a really well-adjusted kid.

  
So you gotta be doing something right.

  
Believe me,
whatever Naomi's got going on...

  
...her mom gets all the credit.

  
You're here, though. Right?
That's what counts.

  
Okay?

  
Did your dad ever talk to you
about your mom?

  
Problem was...

  
...the more time went by, the harder
it was for us to talk about anything.

  
He's a good man.

  
- Just kind of stuck in his ways. You know?
- I know.

  
Enjoy the view, Eddie.

  
It always helps me.

  
Thanks, CC.

  
Visualizing yourself
winning the finals tomorrow, Naomi?

  
Swinging your way to victory?
That's gonna be tough.

  
- I heard last year, one of the girls fell.
- Didn't the safety ropes catch her?

  
Are you kidding me?
Those old ropes? Poor kid.

  
Every time they told her not to look down,
that's exactly what she did.

  
Splattered like a watermelon.

  
Sorry, Skyler.
But I'm not the least bit scared.

  
Because this year,
we're gonna be the winners.

  
Prove it.

  
Didn't think so.

  
Make sure you get some ribs,
they're going fast.

  
Mr. Serrano.

  
- It's Naomi.
- Whoa.

  
Naomi. Don't move.

  
Don't move, baby. I'm coming.

  
Hold on, hold on.

  
Don't move. I'm coming.

  
Hang on, Naomi. I'm almost there.

  
Come on, sweetheart,
give me your hand.

  
It's okay, you gotta trust me.
You gotta trust me. Come on.

  
Come on, baby.

  
- Come on, baby.
- Daddy.

  
It's okay. It's okay. I got you.

  
I got you.

  
You know,
you girls should stand up to Skyler.

  
- Don't let her push you around.
- I feel sorry for her.

  
- For Skyler?
- Look at her mother. She's a mutant.

  
They've been messing with us
since we got here.

  
I mean, what is their problem?

  
- Have we done anything to them?
- Not yet.

  
What do you have in mind?

  
That tent's not very waterproof.
At least not the way I built it.

  
It's a defect from the manufacturer.
Got another one coming in overnight.

  
- You guys mind if I hang out in here?
- Sure thing.

  
We make exception for you one time.

  
- You're all heart.
- Catalina.

  
So, what are we talking about?

  
Exacting revenge on Skyler
and her mutant mother.

  
Way to let the beans out, kiddo.

  
- I got a few ideas.
- You do?

  
I do.

  
Okay, quiet. Let's go, girls.

  
Say hello to my little friend.

  
I mean, with the...

  
I don't get it.

  
Kids.

  
Don't look down.
Don't look down. Daddy!

  
This time, do it again,
but make your knees shake like Naomi.

  
Daddy.

  
Eddie Serrano!

  
We are so dead if we get caught.
- Oh, quit whining, will you?

  
- I found the cherries.
- I need those. I need those.

  
Okay, you girls like chocolate,
or a lot of chocolate?

  
A lot of chocolate.

  
- Someone's coming.
- Hide, hide, hide.

  
- We gotta hide Lula.
- Get down, get down. Hide.

  
Come here, come here.

  
- No.
- Hurry.

  
- Ooh.
- Hi.

  
- So I was on my way back to bed.
- Good night.

  
You know, if you have trouble sleeping,
warm milk puts me right out.

  
Thanks, but I could've sworn
that I heard voices.

  
Hearing voices? No, I can't
write a prescription. I'm just a lawyer.

  
No.

  
- Oh, voices.
- Yeah.

  
Yes, that was me
working on my closing argument.

  
You see, Your Honor, the jury has no
choice but to find the defendant...

  
Guilty.

  
I usually try to work on not guilty.

  
So apparently, one of the teams
had a run in with a bear tonight.

  
- Is everybody okay?
- Yes, but I will pass on your concern.

  
Now, the bear went
right through the cabin window.

  
You wouldn't happen to know
anything about that, would you?

  
Grab her.

  
Mm. A bear through a cabin window?

  
No. I mean, you hear about that,
but you don't really see bears out here.

  
Unless you're talking about that bear.

  
Mm-hm.

  
The truth is
we're throwing him a little party...

  
...for doing such a great job tonight.

  
I know nothing about this.

  
But you be warned, if that bear
is not back in Miss Hulka's office...

  
...by the time she wakes up,
she will mount your head on a wall.

  
Okay, look, you're here, huh?
Why don't you hang out with us?

  
I'm making banana splits.
You like ice cream?

  
- I can't.
- Come on.

  
- I can't.
- Yes, you can.

  
- I'll take a rain check.
- Do you like whipped cream? Because:

  
I put a lot on.

  
- Good night, Eddie.
- Good night.

  
Rain check.

  
- All clear?
- The party's back on. Let's go.

  
- I can't believe you let us steal a bear.
- Borrow a bear. And for a good cause.

  
Nobody calls your old man Bozo
and lives to tell about it.

  
Skyler didn't call you Bozo, that was me.
She only called you a clown because...

  
How'd you know I called you Bozo?

  
I don't know.
Bozo's a very popular clown name.

  
Boffo and Bronco
are also very common names.

  
- You read my journal.
- We're having so much fun.

  
Dad, how could you?
What I write in there is private.

  
- I can't believe this.
- Look, Naomi, I didn't mean to...

  
- I can't even trust you.
- I knew it.

  
There's the bear, Mom. Look.
- Oh, and I got it all on tape.

  
Let's see what Miss Hulka
has to say about this.

  
- Hold on. Wait. I got enough problems.
- Out of my way.

  
You've been making the girls' life miserable.
Let's call a truce.

  
You're so going home.

  
Ever since that day in second grade,
you've had it in for me.

  
I'm a little tired of it.

  
I am only gonna say this one more time:
Out of my way.

  
You know what I feel like, Sam?

  
I want another one of those sundaes.

  
- I am done flirting. Let's go.
- What are you gonna do, hit me?

  
You're gonna eat
in the middle of a stare down?

  
Oh, yeah.

  
And so are you.

  
I can't hit a woman.
- I can.

  
Bring it.

  
It's on.

  
Hey.

  
Hey, camp, a great place to get away,
fresh air and fisticuffs.

  
- Fight like a man.
- Come on, someone's gonna get hurt.

  
Power it down.

  
Lula.

  
Lula.

  
No.

  
Lula.

  
Oh, Lula.

  
Who started this?

  
Was it you?

  
- How did she know?
- Quiet.

  
I want you girls showered
and in bed in 15 minutes.

  
I'm sorry. Don't blame the girls, okay?
Just let me...

  
I want you to clean this up,
and then I want you off my mountain.

  
Oh, Lula.

  
Oh, Lula. Lu.

  
Lula.

  
Okay. I don't...

  
I messed up with Naomi. I don't think she'll
trust me again and I'm not sure I blame her.

  
Well, here's something
that might cheer you up.

  
Stephenson file.

  
Got it all figured it out. You know
how you're telling me to find the fix?

  
I couldn't find the fix because I didn't
know what the problem was. Check this out.

  
Wait a minute.

  
- You couldn't find the fix.
- I hadn't identified the problem.

  
I was doing all this work.
But not dealing with the actual problem.

  
You're absolutely right.

  
- You're absolutely right.
- I am?

  
If I want a relationship with Naomi,
I have to deal with my problem.

  
I'm not following.

  
- There's still time.
- For what?

  
- Can you burn a CD on that?
- Oh, yeah. Why?

  
Harry, we're going back in.

  
We?

  
Oh. Ow.

  
Eddie?

  
We need a diversion.
- Not good under pressure.

  
- It took me eight tries to pass the bar.
- Use that.

  
- Right.
- Psst!

  
- What?
- Not on her. On the pots and pans.

  
Oh, yeah, yeah. I knew that.

  
You think I can't smell
a rat in my own kitchen?

  
I've flown F-17 Stealth Fighters.

  
I've survived in the desert for days
without food or water.

  
I've looked death right in the eye
and said:

  
"Out of my way, poser."

  
So tell me, soldier, do I sound like
someone you wanna make angry?

  
Do I?

  
Oh. Uh, were you talking to me?

  
Where's Naomi?

  
I think she was at the beach,
writing in her journal.

  
- Great.
- The one you read, remember?

  
- I'm gonna get my scissors.
- No.

  
Go back to sleep.

  
"The one you read, remember?"

  
Naomi?

  
Naomi?

  
Naomi?

  
Your mother was selling cotton candy
at the church fair.

  
And when I saw her...

  
...I just kept buying it,
just so I could talk to her.

  
And that night, I saw her sitting
on the stairs outside the church hall...

  
...inside the band was playing this song,
and everybody was dancing.

  
I wanted to ask her to dance...

  
...but I was too nervous.

  
So instead I just asked her
if I could sit with her.

  
And that's what we did.
We just sat there.

  
Listening to this song, our song...

  
...not saying a word.

  
And that night, when I went to bed,
I was sure of two things:

  
That I had met the woman
I was gonna marry...

  
...and that 13 cotton candies
does something terrible to your stomach.

  
Yeah, I know when it comes to parenting,
there's no easy fix.

  
And your mom was more of a mother to you
than I'll ever be, than anyone could ever be.

  
And I know that I've let her down.

  
And I know that I've let you down.

  
Is that why you never talk about her?

  
Naomi, I...

  
I don't wanna make excuses.

  
And I don't expect you
to understand, really.

  
And...

  
...I'm not completely sure I get it.

  
But I'll always be there for you.

  
And now when I go to sleep,
I'm sure of one thing.

  
What's that?

  
That I love you more than anything else
in the world.

  
I love you too, Dad.

  
You're late.

  
You're old. Let's cut the chitchat
and get down to business.

  
- Who are you calling old?
- Gee, let me think.

  
Yeah, well, you know what?
This old lady is the one holding the cash.

  
So listen, you little punk,
you will do exactly as I say...

  
...or I will find you
and I will get back more than this money.

  
Oh, boy.

  
After everything
I've put you and the girls through...

  
...this would just be my way of...

  
...you know, making it up to everybody.
What do you say?

  
Well, if you really think
you can pull this off, you can stay.

  
Yes.

  
Eddie.

  
That was a wonderful thing you did
for your daughter out there.

  
It took a great deal of courage.

  
You faced your fears, and I dare say,
you are a changed man.

  
Yes, ma'am.

  
- Get Rocky on the phone, call in that favor.
- Eddie.

  
Thank goodness you are back.
We got Denise trouble.

  
This hat contains four slips of paper...

  
...with the name
of the four final relay events.

  
Wow.

  
One of you will swing your way
to survival.

  
And you will then tag-off to another
who will scale the Wall of Destiny.

  
And finally, the last two
will work as a team...

  
...high atop the rock,
a treacherous ropes course.

  
The most challenging of all.

  
All right, hold it right there.

  
Hey, look. It's the inverted man.

  
We're not used to seeing you
upside-right.

  
And his friend, Special Agent Matthews.

  
And his even better friend,
Special Agent Gomez.

  
- What's that?
- I don't know.

  
You brought the feds?

  
- What did she want you to do?
- Just mess with some girls.

  
Slime the ground, a few ropes.

  
You're looking at two, four,
maybe 10 years.

  
You got any tattoos?
- No, ma'am.

  
Don't worry, you will.

  
- Unless you boys decide to cooperate.
- Okay.

  
- Yeah.
- Good.

  
All right. All right, Wasps.

  
- Four-time returning champs.
- That's us.

  
You have made your picks.

  
Killer Bees.

  
- Make your picks.
- Not the rock. Please not the rock.

  
"Wall of Destiny."

  
I'm climbing.

  
"Vine swing."

  
Oh, vine swing. Cool.

  
It's okay, you go first.

  
Oh, no. I knew it.

  
I'm on top.

  
It's okay, I'm drawing your safety line.
I got your back.

  
You're on the ground.

  
See you on top.

  
All right, ladies,
let the final challenge begin.

  
Naomi.

  
I am not comfortable
with you doing the course.

  
- I'll talk to Miss Hulka, see if we can...
- It's okay. I'll do it.

  
- There is no reason that you have to...
- No, really. I want to.

  
All right. But if you change your mind...

  
Go get them, kiddo.

  
Naomi?

  
Like a watermelon.

  
The two top contenders...

  
...The Wasps...

  
...and the Killer Bees...

  
...are tied.

  
The winning team of the final relay
will be crowned...

  
...champion of the Spring Action Classic.

  
First up, the vine-swing challenge.

  
Good luck, ladies.

  
Run!

  
Ready position. Ready position.

  
- Looking for someone, Denise?
- I'm surprised they let you back in.

  
I think today's gonna be full of surprises.
Time to change the baby.

  
I don't know what you're up to,
but it's not gonna work.

  
- Baby go boom-boom.
- What?

  
Stinky boom-boom for Daddy. Over.

  
Gross.

  
Oh, no.

  
- Oh, not again.
- Get up. Go.

  
Go.

  
Where are you?
You slimed the wrong rope.

  
What...? Mo...? Move.
Get out of my way.

  
You idiots. What are you doing?

  
- You didn't say she was gonna attack.
- Don't let her take you alive. Over.

  
Mission accomplished, boss.

  
- Moving to phase two.
- You're enjoying this a little too much.

  
- Go, go, go.
- Go where?

  
I don't know, just go.

  
You wouldn't happen to know anything
about this, would you?

  
That's the stuff that Denise uses
to remove the hair on her...

  
That or someone sat on a frog.

  
Denise?

  
- I am so disappointed that you would...
- What? What?

  
It's my new hair gel.

  
It's from Paris. I love it.

  
How many children
do I have to take care of?

  
What did I ever do to you that day
in second grade?

  
Is this your way
of messing with my head? Nice try.

  
I'm asking, Skyler,
because I want to know.

  
You came to school that day with...

  
With what?
Came to school with what?

  
Just forget it.

  
Skyler, come on, let's go. Move.

  
- She didn't have to do this.
- She'll be all right.

  
Attagirl, Skyler,
straight ahead to the gold.

  
Come on, you can do this.

  
Don't look down.

  
Come on, Naomi, just reach for it.
Reach for it.

  
You got it, you got it, you got it.

  
Attagirl, Naomi.

  
Naomi's taking the lead, look at that.

  
That's right, Naomi.

  
We got you, honey.
Get back up there, you can do it.

  
You can do it, Skyler,
just pull yourself back up.

  
Hold on, Skyler. I'm coming.
Are you okay?

  
- What is she doing?
- Thattagirl, Naomi, thattagirl.

  
Skyler.

  
Take my hand.

  
You wanna tell me now?

  
You came to school that day
with your dad.

  
He was giving you a piggyback ride.

  
It's stupid, but I wanted one.

  
- A piggyback ride?
- No.

  
A dad.

  
You have a mom.

  
Hey, quit the chitchat, ladies.
I want my fifth trophy, Skyler. Let's go.

  
She's still a mom.

  
Yeah, my mom. But I love her.

  
What do you say
we go down the swing together?

  
That way, both our teams win.

  
- Both be this year's champions?
- Sure.

  
Why not?

  
For the first time ever,
we have two winners.

  
Hi.

  
Eddie, Eddie.

  
He's here. He's ri... Oh, here he is.

  
- Rocky, am I glad to see you.
- I told you I owed you, Eddie.

  
- I promised Miss Hulka something big.
- The girls are gonna love this. Slam dunk.

  
At ease.

  
Young ladies, you are in for a treat.

  
Prepare to be blown away.

  
Let's give a rousing
Hulka's Rock welcome...

  
...to Nat Wolff and Alex Wolff,
The Naked Brothers.

  
One, two!

  
The Naked Brothers Band?
Dad, how did you get them here?

  
This is the coolest.
You are so not a bozo.

  
- You must be proud.
- Yes, I am.

  
- You're a good dad.
- I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you.

  
I said you're a good dad.

  
I was thinking for next year,
we could do...

  
- There's no next year. No.
- Oh, there's gonna be a next year.

  
What?

  
I know you got your case on Tuesday.
If you wanna go over files...

  
...now's a good time.
- Got it covered, Eddie.

  
Feeling very confident.

  
Beat it.

  
I didn't see that coming.
- How much do you weigh?

  
What?

  
Close your eyes.

  
Open.