Voila! Finally, the Must Love Dogs
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the John Cusack and
Diane Lane movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Must Love Dogs. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
The best place to meet a guy
is the supermarket,
You see a guy holding a list,
you know he's married,
He's in the frozen-food section
carrying a small basket, he's single,
l hang out by fruits and vegetables,
Better chance of getting a guy who's healthy,
Probably the best place
is Home Depot or any hardware store,
You just walk up
to the cutest guy and say:
''Do you know where l can get nailed?
l mean, nails?
Pardon me,
l've been drinking all afternoon,''
And that way he knows,
one, that you're easy,,,
,,,and two, that you like to drink,
l thought a great place to meet girls would
be night school where they teach English,
Because these girls
would be from foreign lands,,,
,,,and maybe still a little disoriented
from the journey,,,
,,,and l would look attractive
because l speak English very goodly,
But in the end,
it did not work out as l had hoped,
l mean, basically, l was told to
take a hike in languages,
Where do you meet people?
l don't know, they're everywhere,
Why, is there a problem?
No, No way,
l'm not going out with this guy,
Just call him, Say hello,
He's in my book club,
-Why is there a woman here?
-lt's his wife,
They're separated, but he didn't want
to Photoshop her out,,,
,,,if you're not interested,
They are in Hawaii,
lt's the Four Seasons,
This could be you in the photograph,
Aloha,
-Well, if you change your mind,
-l've got a picture too,
ls that why you're all here?
The whole family?
-Everyone has a picture for me?
-This is an intervention, Sarah,
-He's great,
-A beautiful girl like you can't just give up,
There's life after divorce,
You were married to the same woman
for years, Dad,
-What do you know about divorce?
-Precious little, l admit,
The black specter of two lives
torn asunder,
Not helping, Dad,
l wish your mother were here,
God rest her soul,
-She'd know what to say,
-''Put on another pot of tea,''
That's what she'd say,
The lrish answer to all problems,
-Well, it worked most of the time,
-Who is this?
l have no idea, but if you're interested,
l'll Google him,
ls this it for food in this house,
like, eight crackers?
And what are these?
Are these bananas?
-l think they were at one time,
-l'll take one,
-l guess l forgot to shop this month,
-What are you gonna do, sis?
-l mean, really, it's been eight months,
-Dad's giving-up idea sounds intriguing,
l could become the crazy aunt
who moves in down in the basement,
Put a cot in for me, some herbal teas,
l'd like to get a dog, if that's okay?
Marc, don't you have
a friend for Sarah?
''A Friend for Sarah,'' l'm now an episode
of Little House on the Prairie,
-Come on, you must know somebody,
-Not really,
But if you want to have an affair,
l do know a couple of married guys,
-We'll let that be our fallback, okay?
-Okay,
-An affair, that's a terrific idea,
-My husband to the rescue,
Don't cover mine,
l think affairs should go
on the other side,
Yeah,
Hey, Jake,
Hey, Charlie,
Divorce is final,
You're a free man,
l don't know if,,,is the
appropriate sentiment, Four years,,,
-,,,woman l loved, l got my ass kicked,
-High-five,
Not that kind of moment either,
-Down low?
-Just because l want this to stop,
You are officially the worst client
l've ever had,
-Thank you,
-Let Lisa have everything,
Even the judge wanted you to keep
those boxing gloves,
-She really liked you,
-l liked her too, as far as judges go,
No, l mean, really,
Wow, that's a good-looking Cougar,
Excellent stuff, You think she'd like
to buy a handmade, stainable teak boat?
Maybe if it came with private lessons,
Everybody wants all that Tupperware,,,
,,,those computer-designed,
fiberglass-composite things,
l mean, don't even look like boats,
They look like boats when they
whiz by your wooden guy,
That was one race, and l've made
some adjustments, Charlie,
-Wood boats can win, trust me on that,
-They can't win,
That's why people don't want them,
They can't win,
but they lose beautifully,
And the whole experience
is just better, Look at this,
l'm making these boats
the exact same way,,,
,,,the Spanish and the Portuguese
made their ships of exploration,
There's a continuity
at stake here, Charlie,
This is more than a boat,
-This is a time machine,
-lf you paid this much attention to Lisa,,,
-,,,you'd still be together,
-This is true,
But you know what? lf l had to do it
it all over again, l wouldn't,
l wouldn't,
Lisa taught me about sadness,,,
,,,about human frailty,,,
,,,and how unbearably fleeting
happiness can be,
-l'm gonna owe her for the rest of my life,
-Oh, you'll be paying, Monthly,
Hope you don't mind
that l brought Mother Teresa,
Are you kidding? l love this girl,
Mother Teresa, do you have a friend for me?
Hey, is everything all right at home?
Yeah, Jennifer just gets tired
of all the family gatherings,
Too many old stories,
lt makes her feel left out,
Yeah, Kevin used to say that,
-l still say it,
-l say it too,
lt seems hard now, Sarah, l know,,,
,,,but you get a chance to make
a new life for yourself,
Thank you, but in
the marketplace of available women--
Any guy would be lucky to get you,
You're smart, you're funny,,,
,,,even pretty when
you're not wallowing in self-pity,
Am l wallowing? Really?
You're not the wallower
in the family, Carol is the wallower,
Me? l never wallow,
l suffer in silence,
-No, that's Christine,
-Thank you, Michael,
No, no,
-Sylvia Plath,
-This is why people,,,
,,,don't have large families anymore,
-Bye, l love you,
-Bye,
-Bye, Bill,
-Love you, Carol,
-See you, Dad,
-Thank you, l think,
Bye, Chris, Bye,
-See you later, Dad,
-Bye, Daddy,
Bye,
There's someone special
waiting for you, Sarah,
l know it, Someone worthy,
Kevin was not, on his best day,,,
,,,good enough for you, sweetheart,
Now you tell me,
Why not?
You know l love you and l love Lisa,
but l think you're both better off,
We sure weren't making each other
happy there at the end,
Or the beginning,
Or the middle,
l mean, don't get me wrong, we all
wanted to sleep with Lisa, but marriage,,,,
-That's not right,
-l said that out loud, didn't l?
-You did,
-l better strike that from the record,
No, lawyers get to do that,
l'm instructing you to disregard that,
l think women have
the whole thing planned,
Really, the whole thing,
An epic narrative in their heads,
You know my theory about this?
When you meet,
they have the whole story written,
But you don't get to read it,
But if you go off script,,,
,,,right? They write you out
of the story,
l got written out of Act
Now you're in Act where l get you
banged every night of the week,
Charlie, l'm toast, l just got shredded,
l am--
-lt's time, healing time, l'm on the bench,
-Hey, Hey,
l'm out of the game,
Bench me, bench me,
-Hey,
-Benched,
l'll be right with you,
-Hi, Can l help you?
-Single chicken breast, please,
For an extra cents,
you can get the whole fryer here,
Two breasts, two thighs and a wing,
Thank you, l don't know
when l'd eat all that,
-lt's just an extra cents,
-lt's not the cents,
l hate to see food go bad,
We got a hundred recipes,
You can cook them, freeze them and--
Look, listen to me, mister,
l'm divorced, okay?
l eat alone,
usually standing over the sink,
l don't want chicken
hanging around, okay?
-Okay,
-Thank you,
Hey, There she is,
-Good morning, How are you?
-Good morning,
l called you last night
to see if you were up for a movie,,,
-,,,or bowling or group shampooing,
-l'm sorry, Eric's parents are in town,
Mr, and Mrs, Stalin,
l'm under house arrest,
-Weren't they just here?
-Thank you,
l don't know why they can't stay at
a hotel, Nothing l do makes them happy,
And they make Eric so nervous,
he's like the Tin Man,
You have to hang in there, Leo,
You and Eric are my model,,,
-,,,for a successful relationship,
-l fear for you, child,
Anyone have anything exciting
happen this weekend to share?
My Uncle Mike slept over,
Uncles and aunts
are very important to us, aren't they?
He's not really my uncle,
but my mommy makes me call him that,
When he's there, l can't sleep with
my mommy because he's in her bed,
Anyone else have anything
they'd like to share?
Yes, Austin,
My parents are trying it
apart for a while,
-We have a theme, June,
-Yes, we do,
And Mom says my dad is incorrigible,
That means he likes other women,
Good,
One, two,
Let me try,
That's a hop,
One, two, that's a new step,
Very good,
-Molly, you wanna try the sticks?
-Yeah, come on, Molly,
Very good, Keep it going like that,
-Watch,
-No, l'm doing it,
Austin!
Good Lord, it's a gusher,
Let me see your teeth,
-Hey, bubba,
-Look who's here,
Daddy!
-Are you all right?
-Yep, l'm fine,
He had a decent bloody nose
for a while, but he's fine now,
-You didn't have to rush right over,
-A kid bleeds, l show up, lt's house rules,
-You wanna get your stuff together now?
-Yeah,
-Then l need a minute alone with Ms, Nolan,
-Okay, Bye, Ms, Nolan,
Bye,
No, No, No,
So, Ms, Nolan,,,,
-Sarah, please,
-And l'm Bob,
Actually, everybody calls me Bobby,
l've been trying to change it
since third grade,
l'm a pushover for Bobbys,,,
,,,ever since my first boyfriend,
Bobby Healy, just,,,,
You know?
l forget, is it ''always discuss your personal
history with parents'' or ''never discuss''?
lt's ''always discuss,''
Besides, l find it comforting,
So has Austin told you
anything about,,,?
-About you and--
-Yeah,
That you're taking a break from
your marriage and you're incorrigible,
That phrasing came from his mother,
-l wouldn't have put it that way, but--
-l'm sorry,
lf there's anything you think
l need to know, tell me,
-l will,
-Sometimes with Austin, you can forget,
-Because he seems so mature,
-l know,
The other day he asked
about my retirement plan,
Well, he cares about you, and he
wants you to be financially secure,
You know Austin adores you,
l can see why,
-Thank you, Bob,
-l might prefer Bobby after all,
l mean, l like the,,,,
l like the history,
Two guys alone in the afternoon
watching Doctor Zhivago,
-There's something gravely wrong here,
-lt's all there, man,
The yearning, the suffering,
a woman you'll pursue,,,
,,,through blizzards, across continents,
A love so real,
even after you're dead it still hurts,
-That's all l want,
-You need to get out,
-You do, You need to see real people,
-You wanna watch it again?
No, l want to go out, Come on,
l previewed some lnternet ads for us,
lnternet ads? Come on,
l want Zhivago's lnternet ad:
''Tragic doctor/poet
in desperate pain seeks,,,
,,,like-minded playmate
for long snowshoe across Eurasia,''
What do you bet he gets
a hundred responses?
We'll start with bisexual
Asian women who fly-fish,
-No lnternet ads,
-This is for you, l hate to fly-fish,
-No, you don't,
-What about Sherry?
-l gave you her number, You never called,
-Sherry?
Sherry's Her range of interest
extends from kickboxing to Tae Bo,
She slept with half the guys
in my office,
Then why do you want
to set me up with her?
She slept with half the guys
in my office,
She's in her early s, You know
the epic narrative l talked about?
Hers would not only be secret,
it would be incoherent,
l wouldn't get past the cover page,
l mean, l'm looking
for something more than Sherry,
''Hopelessly romantic,
young s widower,,,
,,,seeks lady friend who enjoys
the slow bloom of affection,
Loves dogs, children
and long, meandering bike rides,
l will be carrying
a single yellow rose,''
-l gotta meet this guy,
-Where are your boob shirts?
-My what?
-Your boob shirts,
-Don't worry, l brought some of mine,
-Oh, boob shirts,
-l can't wear that,
-Okay, l have some dating tips for you,
l got them from Sports Illustrated,
Solid gold,
Yes, that's always been my bible
for personal relationships,
At least listen to the tips,
-Your sister has gone to a lot of trouble,
-Okay,
''One, maintain eye contact,
But be sure it isn't too intense,
You aren't a hawk eyeing its prey,''
Good that you told me,
l might have done my hawk thing,
''Two, men respond sexually when
they think women are excited by them,''
-Really?
-''The more you like what you see,,,
,,,the more your pupils
will open wide to take it all in,''
Open your pupils,
Oh, my God,
-l'm dating again, l can't do this!
-lt's okay, Come on,
-No, you'll be fine, it's okay,
-lt'll be fun,
What if he wants to have sex?
What if l want to?
You don't understand, lt's been
a long time, Christine, l could freak out,
What if l can't control myself?
You're meeting for muffins
in a public place, l think you'll be safe,
-Dad?
-Sarah,
My darling girl,
Darling, don't you put
the sunshine to shame,
What are you doing here?
That's a fine how-do-you-do
from one of my favorite daughters,
l'm sorry, it's just that l'm meeting a--
Why do you have a yellow--?
-ls that a rose?
-lt is a rose, if the truth be told,
But by any other name,,,,
-And it's for a lady friend, isn't it?
-That is, in fact, the very purpose,
-No!
-Now, Sarah, come on,
lt is a natural course of this life that
your dad would have a lady friend by now,
l feel your mother whispering her
approval to me every day,
And would this lady friend
be someone who might enjoy,,,
,,,the slow bloom of affection, perhaps?
That would be grand, yes,
l'm your date, Dad,
l am, l answered
my own father's personal ad,
Don't laugh, lt's not funny!
lt shows l brought you up to know
the diamond from the riffraff,
A young Dad? You're ,
And when was the last time
you rode a bike?
-Meandering or any other way?
-Well, think of it as poetry, darling,
As who l am
in the bottom of my soul,
And, Sarah, my darling,
-What?
-l'm glad you've started dating again,
Dad, please, This is disturbing
on so many levels,
-At least let me have the rose,
-l can't,
l'm seeing someone else at :
Hello. You've reached Sarah Nolan.
Leave a message if you want to.
Sarah, it's me, Christine. Pick up.
Come on, Sarah,
I already talked to Dad.
-Who else knows?
-No one.
Come on, Carol has to know,
Why does Carol have to know? Couldn't
I once know something before she does?
She's there with you, isn't she?
-No.
-Hello, Carol,
Hi, Sarah. I was telling Chris it's a shame
I didn't know about this before...
...because I could have called
Uncle Chet. We could have doubled.
Oh, no.
This story is going to be immortalized
into family history, isn't it?
Told and retold
at Thanksgiving dinner, year after year,
Oh, not just Thanksgiving.
I think it's a good Christmas story too.
-Bye, guys,
-Wait.
Tell the truth. On a scale of one to
how would you rate Dad as a date?
Hot, super hot?
Don't be mad at me for this, okay?
The last time you said that to me
you stole my boyfriend, Danny Shea,
l did not steal Danny Shea,
-l haven't forgiven you, by the way,
-Stop, He was a terrible kisser,
-He kissed just fine with me,
-Okay, Here goes,
l went online, pretended l was you,,,
,,,and put your profile
on PerfectMatch,com,
You're making this up,
You can't just sit back
and passively answer,,,
,,,other people's ads anymore,
We are on offense,
Well, forgive me if l'm a tad gun-shy
after my last date with my father,
Come on, at least look at your profile,
That's my high school
graduation picture,
That's all l had,
That or your wedding photo,
''Voluptuous''? Carol!
Every woman listed claims
to be at least voluptuous,
Some are ''gorgeous inside and out,''
most are ''sexually confident,''
''Voluptuous, sensuous DWF seeks
special man to share starlit nights,
-Must love dogs,''
-l put that in for you,
And yet l'm still pissed,
l must have done something right,
You have responses,
You listened to them, didn't you?
l like three, and
Christine likes two and eight,
Michael liked them all,
But you decide for yourself,
What do you mean by voluptuous?
Do you mean big breasts...
...or do you mean fat?
I love dogs too.
I have a great sense of humor,
but you could probably already tell that.
Yo.
My name is Walter Taylor.
I'm an attorney.
Don't hang up.
I like opera. Don't delete me.
So anyway, l get all dressed up,,,
,,,and l walk down the stairs and l see,,,
,,,my father sitting there
holding a single yellow rose,
And it dawns on me,,,,
-ls something wrong?
-Well, no offense, it's just,,,,
l thought you'd be younger, that's all,
Well, you said your age range
was to
l guess l was hoping more for
Twenty-three,
Eighteen, That's legal,
lt's nice to be out,
l've been feeling kind of blue lately,
l know, you mentioned on the phone,
Lennie, that you've-- Kind of depressed,
-Did l cry?
-Well, a little bit,
l've been on first dates this year,
No second dates,
One went,,,
,,,to check her coat
and never came back,
One jumped out at the light
when it changed,
Well, we're almost through the salad,
That's a good sign,
No,
Lennie,
Please, Don't,
Please, Lennie, No,
If you're happy and you know it
Clap your hands
Come on!
If you're happy
And you know it
Clap your hands
Oh, God!
Come on, get up,
Get her, Get her,
Damn,
Don't be upset,
l come from a large family,
Lots of male cousins, brothers,
Used to this sort of thing,
Three out of five,
-Oh, that's all right, Maybe later,
-Come on,
-Your table's almost ready,
-Good, We're working up an appetite,
Food here is fabulous,
lt's not cheap, though,
Well, l offered to pay my half,
And what did l tell you?
''Marshall's girls don't pay,''
Beautiful,
You'd look really good in handcuffs,
Charlie, my boy,
some nice-looking pieces here,
-Really? l didn't see anyone,
-l meant the artwork,
-Bet this cost a bundle,
-Hey, guys,
-Hi!
-Speaking of artwork,
-Hi, Sherry,
-Hi, Charlie, Hi, Jake,
How are you? Let's do two,
-That's how they do it in France,
-You having fun?
Well, l feel sorry for the artist
at these things,
All this talent on display,
and everybody here's just trying to get laid,
l know l am,
You never called me, mister,
l waited and waited,
l know l am,
l'm sorry, Sherry, it's just that l'm not ready
right now to be in a serious relationship,
And with somebody as wonderful
and as beautiful as you,,,
,,,l just wouldn't expect
anything less,
-Why can't you be sweet like that, huh?
-Sherry!
-Hey, guys,
-Short attention span,
You're a sick guy, you know that?
Just another in a long line
of colossal mistakes,
l'm not answering an lnternet ad,
Look at this, ''Voluptuous and sensuous,
Must love dogs,'' Wonderful,
Look at the picture,
Well, she is appealing,
She'll be good-looking
when she grows up,
l'm surfing porn sites like always,,,
,,,l keep getting kicked over
to PerfectMatch,com,,,
,,,which is not where l want to be,,,
,,,and this girl's profile keeps repeating, like
a sign from heaven, And l thought of you,
Tell the prom queen thanks, but no,
l'm still benched,
Too late, You're meeting her at ,
Bring a dog,
No, l'm not,
lt's okay,
Stop that growling!
Use your words,
Stop, sit,
Stop, sit,
-Stop, Sit,
-l don't think he knows ''stop'' or ''sit,''
-What else have you got?
-Bruno, focus,
Roll over and play dead,
-Hey, look at that, Look at that,
-That's very impressive,
-You Sarah?
-Jake,
-Yeah, hi,
-Yeah, Hi,
l didn't recognize you
without the cap and gown,
Oh, yeah,
-Yeah,
-Yeah,
-This is really amazing,
-Yeah,
lt is, When he plays dead,
he really plays dead,
You don't know the half of it,
He can stop his heart like a Sufi mystic,
-Does he sleep on a doggy bed of nails?
-As a matter of fact, he does,
He feels nothing,
Or perhaps he feels too much,
-l think he wants his treat now,
-You think so?
While he's playing dead?
lt might ruin the effect,
-l don't know, He's your dog,
-He's not, He's my friend Charlie's,
-So you're here under false pretenses,
-No, not at all,
You said ''must love dogs,''
not ''must own dogs,'' l do love dogs,
ln fact, l had one with my ex,
She was allergic,
went into anaphylactic shock,
So we had to put her down, Dog,
Not the wife, l'm kidding about both,
This is a beautiful canine
you have here,
-Hi,
-Yes, this is Mother Teresa,
Yeah, she plays with lepers?
Comforts the poor? Yeah,
How long you had her?
Technically, she's not really mine,
She's my brother's,
l'm shocked and saddened,
-False pretenses,
-Well, we are related, She's family,
And l do really love dogs,
and my ex was allergic also,
Yes, he often had
''anaphyphlectic'' shock,
You're making that up,
-Yes, l am,
-Me too,
Tell me, l'm just curious
about one thing,
Why did you write ''voluptuous''?
-Oh, my--
-No! l did not mean to be rude at all,
lt's just that voluptuous,
that tends to go the other way,,,
,,,when someone uses that phrase,
Towards the full-figured end
of the spectrum,
l didn't know there was
a full-figured spectrum,
lt's one of those words
they use in personal ads,,,
,,,like ''Rubenesque''
or ''weight proportionate to height,''
Hey, it's your ad, You can say
whatever you want, l'm,,,,
Just for the record, girl says ''athletic,''
she means ''flat-chested,'' Which you're not,
But-- This isn't coming out right,
Look, you know, l'm sorry,
l'm,,,, l'm a little nervous, l'm not used
to meeting people this way,
Really? You seem very practiced
and smooth,
-Your ad doesn't do you justice,
-Well, maybe you should rewrite my ad,
-Well, maybe l don't want to,
-And why not?
Because maybe l don't want
anyone else to answer it,
Did you plan on saying
that sometime today?
-No, l didn't, But it's good, isn't it?
-lt is good,
-lt's a good line,
-Maybe we should try this over again,
Hi, l'm Jake,
Sarah,
So why would you even write an ad?
You don't seem that desperate,
Why would you answer one?
Talk about desperate,
l'm not, l mean, l didn't,
lt was my friend's, He gave it to me,
-l didn't write it, My sister did,
-Your sister's ad,
Your brother's dog,
Those your shoes?
Oh, my, Look at the time!
Come on, honey,
What l'm trying to say is
l'd like to get to know you,
l have to get this dog home, and you
don't want to go over on your rental,
Maybe we could try this another time,
You know, without the dogs,
You bet,
l'll call you,
Sarah, for the record,,,
,,,you are kind of voluptuous
in a minimalist sort of way,
l'm not sure l'm up for this dinner
at Dad's new girlfriend's house,
-He seems really excited about her,
-Where are Marc and Jason?
They took the kids
to Magic Mountain,
The kids didn't even really
want to go, The dads whined,
Well, they're so spoiled, those dads,
So how was your day today?
At the dog park?
-How did you know about that?
-Who do you think you're dealing with?
-You're good, l have to give you that,
-So come on,
-Tell me,
-Okay,
We got off to kind of a rough start,
But then it was okay, you know?
He was a little intense, He was nervous,
He couldn't stop insulting me,
You know what this sounds like,
-No, it's not, Don't say it,
-But it is, lt's a growth opportunity,
l'm not over my last growth opportunity
when you stole Danny Shea,
Will you forget Danny Shea?
He's probably a convicted felon,,,
,,,by now, divorced,
-Maybe you should call him,
-Carol,
What about that guy you met
at preschool? You maimed his kid?
-Bob Connor,
-Yeah, Mr, lncorrigible,
l told you, l can't,
He's the father of one of my students,
Yes, honey, but he's not your father,
That's a big step forward for you,
-Bill,
-Dolly,
Hey!
-What a lovely home you have, Dolly,
-Thank you,
When my third husband died,
l decided to give up the big house,
Third out of how many?
And these potholders?
Where did you manage to find them?
Why, everything in this house
is handmade by Dolly,
Oh, yes, She's very creative,
Our mother used to sew all our clothes
when we were younger,
-Sarah,
-Well, she did,
Your father told me
all about your mother, honey,
She must have been
a very special lady,
-She was,
-And you must miss her very much,
-l do,
-And you see me,,,
,,,as something of an interloper,
l suppose,
Do you want me to lie down for this?
We're at interloping?
When did that happen?
lt's Dad's life, l don't meddle,
Carol, you meddle
in my life all the time,
Well, technically that's not true,
because you don't have a life,
l happen to have a very full life,
Did you even check
all of your messages?
l thought a few were very promising,
-Like who?
-Like the engineer from Oxnard,
-With the sexual dysfunction,
-ln what way would he be promising?
You could cure him,
The whole nurse-patient thing,
-You've got it all worked out,
-lt was brave of him to be so forthcoming,
-Why don't you call him, then,
-Why don't you,
-Call! l'll give you his number,
-Maybe l will,
-Go for it,
-Okay,
Hey there, Ms, Nolan,
What are you doing yelling
in Whispering Breeze Park?
Look who it is,
-What a surprise,
-Oh, hi, Ms, Nolan, How are you?
-Hi, sweetie,
-Who's that?
-Oh, this is my sister Carol,
-Nice to meet you,
This is Austin, my student,
and his dad, Mr, Connor, Bob,
Actually, l go by Bobby now,
Right, You live here?
Yeah, they cater to the recently
separated and divorced,
But l'm the youngest guy here
by years, so it's good for my morale,
-My wife and l are gonna try it apart,
-l know,
Will you just look at her, son?
ls my little girl lovely
or is my little girl lovely?
Oh, Dad, don't worry
about embarrassing me,
Stop it, Bill,
She is cute as a button, though,
So, what is it you do, Bobby?
Sarah never tells us about her beaus,
l'm finishing my Ph,D,
in American history,
-A biography of Robert E, Lee,
-l always felt sorry for Lee,
Forced to fight against his old friends
and West Point classmates,
Could only dress in gray, Sad,
She's funny too,
A complete package, you know,
When l need extra money,
l work construction,
Well, it sounds very manly,
Do you wear a hardhat?
Sarah was the one who always had
the boys knocking at the door,
-Oh, Dad,
-She had eyes only for that singer,
What was his name? Thin fellow,
-Looked like a girl,
-Mick Jagger,
No, no, Sarah was saving herself
for David Cassidy,
Like you weren't,
-Carol wasn't saving herself for anybody,
-What?
l remember now, lt was David Cassidy
of The Pheasant Family,
Bill, Bill, honey,
Partridge Family, You know,
l saw him last year in Vegas,
He was good, Hadn't changed a bit,
Same turtleneck,
Sarah had the whole
Partridge act down,
She'd put on the little miniskirt,
the go-go boots,,,
,,,and pretend she was Susan Dey,
-This is all a lie,
-Sing the theme song, Sarah,
-Don't make me kill you, Carol,
-You remember the intro,
-No,
-Come on,
Come on,
Oh, that was what he told you,
-lt was a great night,
-Great night,
l forgot how much fun those
humiliating family sing-alongs can be,
Can l say one thing
about Mr, lncorrigible?
-Only if you sing it,
-He is hot, And he likes you,
l can't, lt's just my luck,
He's the father of one of my students,
He has a Ph,D, and a great ass,
Let's not get dragged down by ethics,
Technically, he doesn't have
his Ph,D, yet,
-But yes, the ass thing, l know,
-God, let's not even mention the eyes,
-The crinkly smile,
-No, That would be wrong,
-So can l ask you a question?
-No,
You never would have left Kevin,
Would you?
lf he hadn't left me?
No, l don't think so,
But you weren't really happy,
Well, l figured that was the life l picked,
so l had to make the most of it,
l'm not even sure
l deserve a new life now,
Sometimes l think that was supposed
to be my one chance and l blew it,
Where did we get these bad attitudes,
you think?
-The nuns?
-Yeah, that works,
Let's blame the nuns,
Can l say one more thing?
You love me, l know,
l do,
l mean, l was really bad,
She did not see my A game,
Sounds like she didn't see
your B or C game,
l'm gonna call her again,
l want to ask her out, l need a mulligan,
Dog threw me,
l mean, the sun was in my eyes,
Pick someone else, start over,
No, this girl, there's something
special about this girl,
You know the expression
''she took my breath away''?
l mean, she did, l actually gasped,
l'm off the bench, man,
Think she'll see you again?
l wouldn't,
You're not nice,
Like, you're not a nice person,
-Hi, June,
-Hey, June,
-Hi, June,
-Hey, June,
Need more cupcakes,
All the dads are staying for the party,
-What's up with that?
-l have no idea,
Every Halloween it's the same thing,
But l guess it's great how involved
they are in their kids' world, lsn't it?
-Yeah,
-Yeah,
Why don't you and Eric come over,
l'll rent a hopelessly romantic movie,
We can all hold hands together and cry,
Sounds fun, but we can't,
lt's our anniversary, and we always
spend it just the two of us,
Sweet,
Seven years ago tonight,
we met at my parents' house,
They were trying to fix Eric up
with my sister,
Sorry we're late,
Austin drives so slow,
l hope my family
wasn't embarrassing last night,
Oh, no, Not at all, They do seem
a little bit involved in your life,
Oh, yeah, Yeah,
Austin's mom's from a large family,
That's a lot of people
that don't speak to me,
-Thimbleful of juice?
-Sure, But just one,
-To good teachers,
-To good dads,
To good teachers
who are also very beautiful,
To good dads who
are dangerously cute and charming,
There you go,
There's an attraction here, Sarah,
You can't deny it,
-l'm not, l'm trying to ignore it,
-Why?
Well, for one, Austin is my student,
Two, we're in the puppet closet,
-Couldn't we go out in the real world?
-l'm not so good in the real world,
l was looking at the handbook,
under ''dating, parents and teachers,''
-Nothing, There's nothing there,
-Sarah,
We need the emergency pants,
lt's an emergency,
Emergency pants,
Come on, sweetie,
Hey, babe, my name is Ron.
Mid- s, handsome, totally toned,
' ", pounds...
...give or take a piece of pizza.
No, I'm not kidding. I'm totally toned.
Call me, you won't be sorry.
Hi, Sarah, it's Lennie.
I had a wonderful time, and I'm....
I'll call back.
Hi, Sarah? It's Jake Anderson,
the idiot from the dog park.
Actually, that was all a test
to see how you respond...
...to crazy people, and you passed.
So maybe we could see
each other again.
What do you say?
You want to give me another chance?
l had a couple of icebreakers,
l even had a few stories for you,
anecdotes, but l forgot them all,
-l think it might be that dress,
-My sister Carol made me buy it,
l love Carol,
-Well, this is a very charming place,
-Yeah,
-Good food?
-No, not particularly,
But l like the ambiance,
l come here because l know the owners,
the Parseghians, that couple over there,
-See? They're waving,
-They want us to join them,
A few years ago, in a moment
of blazing clarity,,,
,,,l forswore ethnic folk dancing, so,,,,
They'll come over and say hello
and maybe-- How are you? Hi!
-How are you?
-Hello,
Nice, right?
-Sarah, Mr, and Mrs, Parseghian,
-Hello,
-Welcome, Sarah,
-Thank you,
See you later, We'll drink,
-Absolutely,
-Okay,
-You speak Armenian,
-A little bit,
Well, what did you say?
l asked him, ''Where is the youth hostel?''
lt's all l remember,
Kind of a joke we have,
What is it that you do, exactly?
God, no wonder l live alone,
l build boats,
You know, these handcrafted
wooden sculls,,,
-,,,rowing, The racing ones,
-Yeah, Really?
Yeah, Yep,
-Does anyone buy those?
-Nope, Not yet,
Everybody wants all these high-tech,,,
,,,fiberglass, you know, no turbulence,
Where's the fun in that ride?
l don't know,
-But they'll come around,
-Don't count on me, l get seasick,
-ln the bathtub,
-Really?
Yeah,
You know what?
Can we just skip all the small talk?
-What?
-Can we skip the small talk? Just skip it?
You know, like, who are you?
Who am l?
What are we doing here together?
l have this theory that
when you first meet somebody,,,
,,,that's the time when
you have to be totally honest,,,
,,,because you have nothing to lose,
Five, years down the road,
gets a lot harder,
You can't say one day,
''Happy anniversary, this is me,''
lt doesn't work that way, This is it,
We'll never see each other as clearly
and as nakedly as we do in this moment,
Right now, This instant, l'm really
scaring you right now, aren't l?
Just a little bit, Yeah,
But, you know, on the one hand,,,
,,,you're very charming and interesting
and you have a lot of energy,
You know, on the other hand,
a little bit scary,
Okay,
Here's my story,
Here's what you need to know,
Okay,
l'm just divorced,
and l had my heart broken badly,,,
,,,by a woman that l really loved,
You know, but l think your heart
grows back bigger,
You know? Once you've got
the shit beat out of you,
And the universe lets
your heart expand that way,
l think that's the function of all this pain
and heartache that we all go through,
You gotta go through that to come out
to a better place, And that's how l see it,
What about you? Why is
a dazzling woman like you single?
You can do it,
You can just tell the truth,
lf you know the truth,
What have we got to lose?
After the dinner we shake hands,
''good night,'' never see each other again,
All right,
He stopped loving me,
l don't know what l did
or what l didn't do,
He just stopped,
l don't think l've ever said
that out loud before,
See, we just had
an honest moment,
Now we can sit back
and enjoy our food,,,
,,,and get to know each other,
l'm Jake,
-Condom?
-You don't have one?
-Why would l have one?
-For occasions like this,
There haven't been
any occasions like this,
-You didn't bring one?
-l didn't want to jinx it,
This preschool of yours,
it's traditional? Developmental?
-Montessori?
-Yeah, yeah, All that, Drugstore!
There's a Rite Aid on rd,
Hang a left,
-Should l take the freeway?
-Please turn left!
-ls this the fastest you can go?
-l could go faster, but we'd lift off,
-You drive,
-All right,
For big ones, you need five,
six coats of varnish,
For the singles,
it's a little bit different,
There's one right there, Jackpot!
They're out!
-How can they be out?
-l don't know,
But l have a theory,
Everybody in the whole city
is having sex,,,
,,,at the exact same moment
except us.
But we will press on,
What's wrong?
Well, the magic is gone a little,
Okay,
-l mean, l--
-No, no, l understand totally,
Look, you know,
There's other things we can do,
l'd be happy just to stay with you
and look at you all night,
Yeah, l haven't done this
in a while, And,,,,
-And now you don't want to,
-Yeah,
-Yeah,
-Yeah,
That's all right, lf the magic's gone,
that implies there was once magic,
Not bad for a first date,
-Second date,
-Second date, This is great,
-l had a great time,
-Me too,
So,,,
,,,good night,
-You still have to drive me home, though,
-Right, Because you don't live here,
Hello,
Don't worry, it's just me, l'm in
the kitchen, Filled your freezer again,
There's now enough meat
to feed every guy,,,
,,,who answered your ad and still--
-Jake Anderson, my sister Carol,
-Hi,
-Hi,
-Jake did, in fact, answer the ad,
Do l get my meat?
Thank you,
Sorry to scare him away,
lt's okay, l think we both realized
it wasn't going to happen tonight,
What's the matter? He's so cute,
l don't know, We had a great night,
Laughing, really talking,
You had a guy talking
and you let him escape?
l'm not sure l actually understood
a lot of what he said,
Doesn't matter, He spoke,
And are we talking full sentences here
or just grunting?
He's quite emotional,
l know more about him than Kevin,
An emotional man who likes to talk,
-This is a mythical figure, Sarah,
-l don't think l'm ready for him,
He's looking for the whole dance
and l'm just relearning the steps,
What happened exactly?
Come on, tell me,
-Leave nothing out,
-Okay,
We really connected
at the restaurant, like l said,
But then, where do you go from there?
How much baba ganoush can you have?
Then we started making out,
which was like being in th grade,
Then neither one of us had a condom,
which l think reflects some ambivalence,
l'm just not cut out for this,
Life in the fast lane,
Fast lane? You're not even
on the on-ramp,
-But these people seem happy,
-Of course they do, They have a condom,
Marc and l couldn't find a condom once,
Wanna know what we used?
-No,
-Saran Wrap,
Thanks for that image which will
stay in my brain for the rest of my life,
lt was sexy in a Good Housekeeping
kind of way,
l'll never be able to wrap
leftovers again,
-Did it work?
-Maeve was born nine months,,,
,,,and one day later,
l don't wanna just do random dating,
Carol, l wanna be in love,
l wanna wake up next to someone
and see them smile,
Do the whole Sunday breakfast thing,
go out and get the paper,
Stay in bed together all day,
Wouldn't we all?
Man, this is absolutely gorgeous, l love
this, l can't believe you built it yourself,
Yeah, handcrafted, Hand-carved,
l hope you'll find
that it's more than a boat,
lt's a time machine,
-l love it, l want it, l'll take it,
-Great,
Did you race a lot in college?
l don't plan to race it,
Could you cut it in half for me?
-Excuse me?
-Yeah, cut it in half lengthwise,
l think it would be easier
to mount on the wall that way,
You want to mount the boat?
Yeah, l thought l'd put it in the den,
lt'd look great above my big screen,
You know, l think maybe you should go
to lKEA and buy a canoe,
lt's not for sale in that way,
-He's kidding, right?
-Wouldn't that be nice,
l've had this dream
that it'll end up wet,
lt's just not for sale in that way
at this time, Ever, really,
Okay, Well, if you change your mind,
l really do want it,
Yeah, if l change my personality,
l'll let you know what l become,
-Okay,
-Thanks so much,
-Nice guy,
-Stanley owes me a big favor,
-lt was a guaranteed sale,
-So what?
Right, You can afford to be picky,
You sold,,,
,,,let's see, no boats, No boats at all,
You worry too much,
You really do,
You're in a good mood,
That must have been some date,
Charlie, you should have
seen this girl,
She's shy, she's fragile,
she's self-conscious,
She has no idea how beautiful she is,
She's a mess, lt's fantastic,
The evening didn't end up great,
but there were moments in there,,,
,,,where we were completely
and utterly ourselves,
l was completely psychotic,
but she was completely lovely,
Are you thinking about completely
closing the sale any time soon?
l tell you about a night
with an unusual woman,,,
,,,and you turn it
into a business transaction,
We're not selling real estate here,
-And if we were selling real estate?
-We'd be in escrow this weekend,
l see Dad's not alone,
Never, Not our dad,
l'm not calling any of them Mom,
l'll tell you that,
-What is the new one's name again?
-l believe that is Marlene,
There's a Linda,
but l don't think that's her,
-That's Dorothy,
-Well, who knew,
Hi there,
Aunt Eileen,
-You look wonderful,
-Thank you, dear,
You look fine too, considering,
We never liked Kevin,
We couldn't say anything, but we knew,
-That's so sweet,
-l hear you're not seeing anyone,
ls that wise? With the clock ticking?
Because l have someone special for you,
Casey Donovan,
Handsome, smart, single,
-Aunt Eileen,
-Yes?
He's my first cousin,
This is a fine day for the Nolan family,
l tell you,
For my son, Bill Jr,
And young Ryan here,
the confirmation boy,
And old Bill here,
l'd like to do a poem, if l may,
To commemorate the occasion,
Who do you think he'll go with?
-Tennyson,
-Browning,
-Yeats,
-''Brown Penny,''
By William Butler Yeats,
Who knows her daddy?
I whispered, "I am too young"
And then, "I am old enough "
Wherefore I threw a penny
To find out if I might love.
"Go and love, go and love, young man,
If the lady be young and fair. "
Ah, penny, brown penny, brown penny
I am looped in the loops of her hair.
O love is the crooked thing
There is nobody wise enough
To find out all that is in it
For he would be thinking of love
Till the stars had run away
And the shadows eaten the moon.
Ah, penny, brown penny, brown penny
One cannot begin it too soon.
-So good to see you, Aunt Eileen,
-lt's always a pleasure,
-Mother Teresa!
-Mother Teresa, No, Stop, Michael!
lt's okay, l don't mind,
-She doesn't mind,
-That's not the point,
She actually likes dogs, And me,
She just forgets,
-Bye,
-Sarah, Darling,
Some pressing business has come up,,,
,,,and l was hoping you'd ferry
Dolly home for me,
-Okay, Sure, Dad,
-l don't mind staying,
You're a sweetheart, Both of you,
So, what do you think
of my competition?
l don't really wanna discuss
my father's--
Oh, it's okay, lt's okay, l know,
A woman always knows,
Not always,
-Your guy go younger?
-Yeah,
They always go younger, don't they?
lt does seem to trend that way,
doesn't it?
When they're they want
When they're they want
When they're they want
And they get it,
Goddamn supply and demand,
We ought to kill the guy
who thought that one up,
-So you didn't see it coming, huh?
-No, l thought we were happy,
Maybe not ''happy'' happy,
but, you know, satisfied,
l thought we were happy three times,
Got a live one,
You gotta come take a look at this,
l love this lnternet,
lt's part fantasy, part community,
And you get to pay your bills naked,
They don't stress that enough
as a selling point,
lt's Jeremy in San Diego,
He thinks l'm
He inverted the numbers in my age,
-l didn't have the heart to tell him,
-That would've been cruel,
He comes to me for advice,
He thinks l'm very mature,
We're pinned,
-You're on this, aren't you?
-PerfectMatch,com,
-What, just one site?
-Yeah,
Honey, you gotta put more bets
on the table,
l'm on at least You get to try out
different personalities,
Like here, l say:
''l'm into opera, antiques,
poetry in the original Greek,''
And on this one:
''l like to skydive, ride motorcycles
and enjoy rodeo,''
But you don't do any of those things,
lt's an ad, lt's like those cars that say
they get miles to the gallon,
l mean, who knows,
You just want someone
to take you out for a test drive,
l'm not comfortable advertising myself
this way,
Honey, when you get to be my age
and approaching your expiration date,,,
,,,it pays to advertise,
This baby never sleeps,
lt's working for me hours a day,
God bless its little Pentium-chip heart,
So tell me about your ex,
Kevin, He's a fireman,
And cute, Very, very cute,
l have the calendars,
We met when l was dating
all my brothers' friends,
My first two husbands were friends
of my brother Dave,
Both of them bastards,
But then, so was my brother Dave,
Things seemed to be going according
to plan with me and Kevin,
We had our work, we got a house,
then it was time to have kids,
But he was never ready,
l was Then then
Then instead of children, Kevin decided
to have Veronica, Ronnie,
Chatty as hell and years younger,
They got married two months ago,
Did l mention that she's pregnant?
Go get it,
Hey,
-What are you doing in the real world?
-Dogsitting, My brother and his wife,,,
,,,are at marriage counseling, They don't
want her to know they're having trouble,
You're a dog guy,
You kidding me? l'm half Labrador,
Throw that ball, See who gets it,
-l found him, l found the one l want!
-Austin,
-l found my puppy!
-You did?
-l'm getting a puppy!
-You are? That's amazing!
-lt's so exciting!
-l'm so happy for you,
-Let's go get him!
-We'll be right behind you, bubba,
-Thought it'd be good for him,
-Great idea, Yeah,
l was gonna ask you
if you thought he was too young,
-But it's a good age, right?
-l think so, Yes,
-A boy needs a dog, right?
-Absolutely,
Who else is gonna eat
his vegetables for him?
l can't tell you what it means to me
that Austin's so happy in school,
He's just lucky to have you in his life,
We both are,
l found him, Dad, l found my puppy,
Come on in, he wants to kiss you!
Oh, l think you're gonna need
a bigger trailer,
-Hello?
-So l know our dates aren't beginning,,,
,,,or ending well,
but l find the middle intriguing,
-Well, it's not dull, is it?
-That's a good thing, right?
So, what do you say?
You want to get together?
You really want to give it
one more shot with me? Why?
Are you kidding me? You're this whole
new style, this whole new system,
Vivid grammar of eroticism,
A completely unique constellation
of attributes. My Halley's comet.
Do you write this stuff down?
No, that actually came out
of my head,
Sometimes l use notes,
Hold on, Someone's at the door,
-Dolly, what a surprise,
-l'm in trouble, Sarah, l need help,
Hello? Sarah, is everything okay? Sarah.
She can't talk now,
lt's an emergency,
lt's Jeremy from San Diego, He's here,
-l don't see why this is a problem,
-Well, for one thing, you are and she's--
-Forty-one,
-Yeah, but those are just numbers,
Look at Justin Timberlake
and Cameron Diaz,
She's gotta be what, ?
Oh, come on, Jeremy, be nice,
She's probably the same age as me,
Some people go their whole lives
looking for their soul mate,
And l found mine when l was
Sue me,
Fifteen? You said you were
-Dude, it is so not cool to lie to me,
-l'm sorry,
l didn't think you'd take me seriously
if you thought l was a kid,
Of course l take you seriously,
You're a wonderful boy, honey,
And we can always be friends,
But just friends, You know that,
-Okay,
-And there's something else,
l'm not really ,
l'm
Do your homework,
l couldn't bring myself to go over
lt wouldn't have been fair to him,
-Good night,
-Night,
-Thank you, Sarah,
-Anytime,
Sarah, Hi,
l was in the trailer-hood,
l thought l might stop by,
Oh, good,
Sarah? ls that you?
-Sarah! Hi!
-June?
-l didn't know you were--
-No, This is good, We're all here,
We can have a conference,
Oh, l'll just go home now and go to bed
and maybe stay there forever,
Sarah has a friend
who lives practically next door,
That's cool, l love weird,
huge coincidences,
-Yeah,
-Sure you don't want to come in?
We opened a bottle of wine,
Oh, l think l'd rather die,
but thank you, Yeah,
-Hi,
-Hey, Jennifer kicked us out,
-Both of us,
-Oh, Mikey,
God, l'm so sorry,
-She'll come around,
-l told him it's the holidays,
People are under a lot of stress,
l love this guy, l do, l love him,
-l love him,
-We've been talking,
We've been here a while,
-You all right?
-Yeah,
-Let's go,
-Come on, Mother Teresa,
-l hope it's okay that l stopped by,
-Oh, yes, Of course it is,
l'm so glad you did,
We were talking on the phone,
everything was going well,,,
,,,and then some strange woman said
''emergency'' and hung up,
l called and no one answered,
so l was a little worried,
-l think it's very sweet, Jake,
-lt's just a false alarm?
-Definitely a false alarm,
-Good,
No, my father's friend,
she got into a little bit of trouble,,,
,,,and l had to help her out,
and so l went over there for a while,
And after that
l just drove around a while,
Alone, l was alone, And,,,,
-Yeah, alone by yourself, sure,
-Yeah,
Well, anyway, the reason
l stopped by,,,
,,,was l wanted to invite you out
on my boat,
-l don't think that's such a good idea,
-Yes, it is,
No, because l,,,,
Boats are still on the water, right?
l hope so, otherwise l wasted
a lot of time designing the hull,
Yeah, actually, they're aquatic,
-Well, l don't even know how to row,
-l'll teach you,
-l'd love to teach you how to row,
-Okay, How?
A challenge,
-We'll have a lesson right now, Okay?
-Okay,
So the thing about rowing
is just you gotta relax, first of all,
And then it's all about rhythm,
balance,,,
-Rhythm and balance,
-,,,and timing,
-Watch those oars, pal,
-Okay,
-And rhythm and timing, see?
-Balance and rhythm,
-See, it's not that bad, is it?
-No, l like rowing,
Then you want to make sure you get,
you know, your hair out of the way,
That's gotta hurt,
-Michael?
-You okay, pal?
Oh, no, Don't stop what you're doing,
l was on my way out,
Easy there, Tex,
-Where are you going?
-Oh, l just spoke to Jennifer,
Everything's great, l got the couch,
the dog's gonna stay,
You should stay here too,
You shouldn't be driving,
-l'll drive him home, Okay?
-Yeah,
l thought we were gonna,
you know, row the boat,
We will, Just stay exactly here
and stay exactly you,,,
,,,and l'll be back in about
to seconds depending on traffic,
Just hold that thought,
Where do you live?
Of course you realize when Jake
gets here, you'll have to excuse yourself,
Bob! Bobby, No, Bob,
-You dropped these on my driveway,
-Oh, thank you,
l'm really sorry, l'm sure
that seemed pretty awkward, huh?
No, no, Routine, really,
There's nothing going on
there with me and June,
They were late from the museum,
and l made her stay for dinner,
Well, thank you for bringing these--
-You're back,
-Yeah, he,,,, He passed out,
He couldn't tell me where he lived,
- something,
-Yeah, that was all l got,
-l'm Bob, by the way,
-Oh, my manners have completely left me,
-l'm so sorry, Jake Anderson,
-How you doing?
-My brother Michael,
-Oh, sorry, Here you go,
Pleasure to meet you,
This is Bob Connor,
parent at the school,
We were just,,,, What were we?
Sarah left stuff at my place tonight,
thought it'd be better to get it back,
l'll get out of the way,
-Talk to you tomorrow, Sarah, Okay?
-Okay,
-Nice to meet you guys,
-Pleasure,
Hey, l better get going,
Where do you want me to put him?
-Maybe l'll put him here,
-No, you don't--
We're sitting down now, buddy,
Yeah, l,,,,
-l better get going,
-You don't have to go, You could stay, Sit,
No, no, no, Really, l should go,
Jake, Jake, please let me explain,
-You don't have to,
-l want to,
l don't have any claim on you,
We've seen each other what,
four times now? l realize that,
You won't let me explain?
Let me do it, You were lying because you
didn't want to hurt my feelings, l get it,
If dogs are to prove their worth
as rescuers...
...they must overcome their fears.
Again, Mass goes first.
She's accustomed to the deafening noise
and turbulent winds of the helicopter.
She's made these jumps
dozens of times before.
But the big question is,
how will the rookies perform?
You could do this, You could,
They hesitate at the open door.
Hey, l'm gonna head out,
-You forgot to take your headdress off,
-No, l didn't, Any plans for the holiday?
Dad's house, a thousand relatives,
How about you?
-Eric's parents are back in town,
-Now they're starting to piss me off,
-Oh, honey, if you need to cry, call me,
-Got you on speed dial,
Are we okay?
Sure, Why wouldn't we be?
l had no idea you and Bobby were,,,,
Oh, we're nothing, June, Me and Bobby,
Well, we're not either, Me and him,
But he is one hot dad, though,
l so don't blame you for being interested,
''lnterested'' may be pushing it,
Well, l'm not in that picture,
l just want you to know,
l love Thanksgiving,
l'm so glad l'm not cooking,
Watch your back,
Now, before we tackle
this succulent-looking bird,,,
,,,we have some honored guests
with us today,
Marlene Swift, Dorothy Murphy,
And Dolly McCann,
Hello, Dolly,
-Hi,
-Hey,
All three at the same table,
The man has balls of steel,
We're very proud,
This was a great idea, lt's the perfect
place to spend Thanksgiving,
-l'm just sorry my parents aren't here,
-Next year,
You're not afraid
that'd be too sentimental?
No, lt's old family tradition,
-They have a great Sunday brunch here too,
-Did l tell you she was a teacher?
Preschool, Works with kids,
-Tiny, tiny little kids, You want kids?
-Oh, yeah, l love kids,
Want that white picket fence,
the whole deal,
She might've been the one, She's good,
She was interesting,
l caught a glimpse, Something,
You gotta stop obsessing
about the dog-park girl, Jake,
-l know,
-Move on,
l will,
This time you got written
out of Act , Women are devious,
Self-serving, shallow,
Not you, dear,
Okay, lf Casey Donovan's no good--
''lf''? What do you mean, ''if''?
His mother and my mother were sisters,
-Ron Detmer?
-He's my optometrist,
He's expecting your call,
How many fingers am l holding up?
Sarah, great news,
l didn't want to get your hopes up,
But two guys in my office
just got divorced,
-So much to be thankful for,
-Start with Richie,
lf that doesn't work, go with Jerry,
-Richie first, Got it,
-Yeah, definitely go with Richie,
Better watch yourself, With those girls,
cleaning is a contact sport,
He's worth it, you know, your dad,
Despite all his shenanigans,
Besides, l'm having as much fun
as he is,
Why don't l believe you?
Look, you care about someone, they're in
a lot of pain, you cut them some slack,
l just thank God
he doesn't have a bigger table,
Hello,
One raised eyebrow,
Never a good sign,
How do you remember
all their names, Dad?
Let alone birthdays
and religious affiliations?
-l have it all on a disk, That way--
-l really don't want to know,
You're in different leagues, Dad,
You and Dolly,
l think she's starting
to fall for you,
-Well, l'm sorry if--
-No, you're not,
Because being a man today means
never having to say you're sorry,
l resent how easy this all is for you,
You've got women coming and going,
cooking, cleaning,
They're probably tuning up your car
for all l know,
All that matters to you guys is the tushies
are tight and the bellies are flat,
Meanwhile, caring, interesting,
compassionate women,,,
,,,of a certain age sit home alone,,,
,,,reading Jane Austen, eating ice cream,
which makes them less likely to find--
Are we still talking about me?
Because l can't tell anymore,
No, l'm sorry, Dad, l can't either,
lt's all right,
l just don't want to see Dolly get hurt,
l don't either,
But it's different for me,
l've had the love of my life,
And no one else
could ever touch that,
No one can come close,
So l'm just out there,,,
,,,passing the time,
Tap-dancing, if you want the truth,
Maybe if l dance fast enough,,,
,,,l won't remember what l've lost,
You see?
l'll be right there,
Hi, can l--?
Look who's here, lt's you,
Yes, your worst nightmare,
-The single-chicken-breast lady,
-You wanna at least hear the specials?
l'm supposed to tell them to you,
that's all,
Just the chicken breast,
lt's rough out there, huh?
You wanna talk about it?
You know, you're not a bartender,
Have you tried the lnternet?
l mean, it really works,
-You know, l met my wife online, and she--
-Chicken, Now,
Why not?
And l've been to ltaly a lot too,
l just got back from Rome,,,
,,,where l took this fabulous in-depth
tour called ''As the Romans Do,''
-The guide was incredible,
-l took that tour, Big fat guy, right?
Before that, Switzerland,
l got caught in a storm,
-l almost died in a blizzard once,
-l lived up in the Alps for a year,
They had to cut me out
of the snow with scissors,
My aunt had a farm, ln the morning, we'd
warm ourselves with the coals of the fire,
l learned to make goat cheese,
lt was very Heidi,
Well, l just think it's wonderful how much
you care about your children, Peter, Really,
lt's not always the case,
l'm a teacher, l know,
Well, it's just my daughter, She's
But she's everything to me,
-Were you surprised that l called?
-Little bit,
But happy,
Well, l figured what the hell,
lt's time to take control of my life,
New Sarah,
-l liked the old Sarah, you know,
-New and improved,
-Good morning,
-Hi,
Hi,
-What time is it?
-lt's a little after
Damn,
Do you mind if we take that and go?
l don't wanna run into traffic,
-Oh, it's Sunday,
-Yeah, l got a game today,
-You gonna eat that?
-No, Here,
Thank you,
You did sleep with June, didn't you?
Does it matter? Really?
lt's just that you told me
nothing happened,
l knew we'd be great together, l didn't
want anything to get in the way of that,
And we were,
Yeah,
That was fun, Thanks a lot,
l'll call you,
-You mad at me?
-No, l'm not mad at you,
-Good, l was afraid something had--
-l'm mad at myself for trusting you,
For not listening
to that voice that said:
''He is a shallow, self-centered bastard,''
Which is what you are, you stupidhead!
Maybe l have been teaching preschool
too long, but you took advantage of me,
You knew how vulnerable l was,
l was the weak impala of the herd,
And you pounced on that with that whole
sensitive dad-of-the-year act,
And, ''We're adopting a puppy,''
And the fake professor thing
with these fake glasses,
These aren't even real,
are they?
Sorry,
l just hate guys like you,
l hate guys like you!
But this is a good look for you, Sarah,
You've gone beyond pajamas
and are now wearing the bed,
Oh, God, l just went after
the wrong guy again, Like always,
l slept with a man
who's not my husband,
l'm promiscuous,
We should redo your profile
and put that in it,
Oh, God, l'm a complete
and total love failure,
-Oh, no,
-Stop it, it's not that funny,
Stop laughing,
What about that cute guy l met?
Condom man,
-Yes, that's how he likes to be known,
-Condom man?
-Sounds like a superhero,
-l can't,
He hates me, And l don't blame him,
No, l had my chance with him,
and l blew it,
Let's go watch Beaches,
Oh, my God,
When they remake this, they gotta
add a happy ending and nudity,
They won't remake it, Nobody wants
to watch this kind of yearning nowadays,
lt's too painful,
-Modern man can't take it,
-This has gotta end,
There's a world beyond Zhivago-land,
Forget about the dog-park girl
and live again,
You think your friend still wants
to buy my boat?
Let him chop it up,
stick it on his wall,
-Call him,
-Seriously?
Tell him to come by the boat basin
this weekend, l'll row it down myself,
And call some of those insane,
pansexual girls you're so fond of,
l want a date every day
until Christmas,
-Where have you been all my life?
-Waiting for you,
You are absolutely perfect,
You know that, don't you?
l do, But it's still nice to hear,
Hello, hello, Hi,
Look at you, cute jammies,
Already in them, a little early for that,
Come on, have a seat,
Eric, come on,
All right, Now,,,
,,,Eric and l are here to cheer you up,
and we have many options,
l'm ready,
First, there's line dancing at the Grove,
Very Southwest, mid-' s,
-Too gay,
-Or,,,
,,,we can use these
teacher gift certificates,,,
-,,,for midnight manicures,
-Perfect, Can we do that?
-That's not too gay?
-No,
He keeps the mystery alive,
doesn't he?
What color?
White, Caucasian,
What color nail? After wax,
-l don't know, What do you think?
-Your nail, not mine,
The light pink one, Yeah,
Not much love life, huh?
Not getting younger,
Did you hear that?
What is that? Why do l always get
the surly manicurist?
l don't know, Does a good job, right?
Oh, my God,
Oh, my God,
l'll be right back,
Jake!
-Jake!
-Sarah,
-Jake! Hi,
-Hi,
This is so weird, because l've been
thinking about you so much,
Nice to see you, Oh, you're all--
You look like--
l keep thinking about you,
What do they call those?
Pot sticker, with the potholders,
Hi, l'm ready, Jake,
Sorry l took so long,
Hi, l'm Sherry,
-Hi,
-This is Sarah,
-We just saw Doctor Zhivago at the Grand,
-Yeah,
-Doctor Zhivago,
-lt's Jake's favorite movie,
-l didn't get it,
-Oh, l've seen it like times,
-Really?
-Really?
-Yeah,
-Why? lt's so depressing,
Everybody's freezing their asses off,
-They're Communists, right?
-Yeah,
l guess l keep hoping that one time,
Lara and Yuri will get together again,
ln the springtime, preferably,
And wear shorts,
Okay, but they can't,
because it's just a movie,
-lt's a book too,
-Yeah, that's cruel,
Yeah,
Anyway,,,,
Thanks for bringing that up,
Okay, l have to go get de-waxed,
Sarah, it was really nice
seeing you again,
-Nice to meet you,
-Nice to meet you,
Not again,
Yes, Thank,,,,
Yeah, Bye,
-Do you want to be Russians tonight?
-Let's go,
Well, Sherry, l think l'm gonna say
good night,
-You're not coming in?
-No, l'm kind of tired,
-l'm gonna go home,
-Aren't we gonna do the Russian thing?
That's Russian for ''no,''
-Was it something that l did--?
-No, no, no, l'm just really tired,
-Tired, Yeah, it was a long movie,
-Really long,
Bye,
lt seemed like it
was gonna be so perfect,
You chase him down the street,
he turns, he sees you,,,
,,,he takes you in his arms,
fireworks explode,
lt's happily ever after,
You're leaving out the part
where he was with another woman,
l say you call him,
Or better yet, go over there, break into
his house, throw yourself at him,,,
,,,make a complete fool of yourself,
lt worked for me,
-lt was very effective,
-No, he's with someone else,
l have to face it, it's just not
gonna work out with us,
And you'd really like it to,
wouldn't you?
l can't take this,
This is breaking my heart,
Mine too,
But let's look on the bright side,
-Your nails look fabulous,
-They do,
They look so good, Let me see those,
-Look at these hands,
-Thank you, guys,
Turn around, this is your favorite part,
She's wearing that hat you like,
That's my side, thank you very much,
Mother Teresa,
l love you too,
You like her?
-She's a handsome boat,
-Yeah,
Reminds one of the longboats
they would run,,,
,,,out of the sweet harbor at Bantry Bay,
Actually, l designed this one based
on a Portuguese boat,
But historically, you're correct, yeah,
-You built this boat yourself?
-Yes, sir,
-You build boats?
-No, no,
Truth be told, l don't know
the first thing about them,
-But l do appreciate a work of art,
-Well, thank you, sir,
l'm about to sell this work of art to a guy
who's gonna cut it in half,,,
-,,,and stick it on his wall,
-Oh, no,
Yeah, l'm about to take her out for a last
paddle before l meet the butcher at noon,
Why would you do a thing like that?
lt's a long story, Something about
the violation of expectations,,,
,,,and a crushing loss of faith
in love and life and art,
-So it's a girl,
-Yes,
l've had a little girl trouble
myself lately,
But better to have loved
and lost, Am l right?
She was a unique constellation
of attributes,
She was my Halley's comet,
But-- Universe is designed
to break your heart, yes?
A philosopher as well as an artist,
Yes, it's we who suffer most,
Yes, With the possible exception
being the victims of violent crime,
-Well, it's been a pleasure to meet you, sir,
-No, no, pleasure's all mine, Jake,
-Bill, l have a daughter who would--
-No, no,
Never mind, No, no, Sorry,
Well, this is a surprise,
Can't a father pay a visit to his daughter
on a beautiful Sunday morning?
Carol called you, didn't she? She's afraid
l'm getting into my pajamas again,
Actually, Carol called Christine,
Christine called Michael,,,
-,,,Michael called me,
-Any word from Aunt Eileen?
She said to tell you that
Casey Donovan was adopted,
lf that helps,
Well, at this point, he's starting
to look awfully good,
He's out there, Sarah,
Someone who would appreciate
all you have to offer,
After all, you're this unique
constellation of attributes,
-You're Halley's comet--
-What did you just say?
lt's a nice turn of phrase,
but it's not my own,
l heard it from a young man
l met this morning,
Builds beautiful lrish boats,
Poor lad, Had his heart broken
by a woman he deeply cared about,
Deeply,
-Jake, Jake!
-Hello there,
Hi, Hi, l'm looking for Jake,
Jake Anderson, ls he here?
-No, he isn't, But lucky for us, l am,
-l don't have time for this,
-Do you know where he is?
-You're ''must love dogs,'' aren't you?
You've already crushed him,
he's been moping for weeks,
He's even given up
the whole wooden-boat thing,
-You've done enough,
-That's all wrong,
l have to talk to him, Where is he?
-l can't tell you that,
-Where is he?
l'm not telling you,
You know the bridge
by the boat ramp?
Jake?
Jake,
Jake!
-l'd like to rent a boat, please,
-l'm sorry, we're all out of boats,
-All right, come on,
-Oh, a love chase,
Come on, girl, you can do this,
This is really important to me,
Come on,
l think he could be the one,
Come on, girls, let's get going,
Push! Push!
Push! Push!
Push, push!
Push! Push! Push!
-Push!
-Push!
That's him, l see him!
Jake! Jake!
Stop the boat!
Never mind,
Okay, girl, here we go,
Jake!
Here she goes!
Jake,
What are you doing?
All right, Here we go,
All the way up, Almost,
-Come on, girl,
-Come on,
-Good girl, you can do it,
-Here we go,
-Watch your paws there,
-Easy, easy,
Cold, Cold, Very cold,
Here we go,
Thank you,
Was there something you wanted
to say to me?
Yes,
Could have just called,
Perhaps that would have been
the wiser course, yes,
What's up?
l owe you my story,
You asked me for honesty,,,
,,,and it scared the hell out of me,
and l held back,,,
,,,and l didn't want to let you
see the real me,
Because l was afraid
of getting hurt again,
But, listen, l hear that the universe
lets your heart expand,,,
,,,and grow back even bigger
after you go through all that pain,
Well, l believe that now,
And l was just wishing
there was a way that,,,
,,,l could have another chance
to make this work,
l'll be right with you,
Hi, how can l--?
Don't worry, l got it,
Single chicken breast, no dating advice,
coming right up,
Actually, l would like to have
three whole fryers, please,
And six pork chops and a lamb shank,
And do you have any dog bones
back there?
lf you do, throw them in the cart,
What are the specials today?
Yes,
Thank you.
How many people
are actually in this family?
-Hey,
-Hey,
Get down,
Down!
How did we meet?
-Oh, that's a great story, Tell it, hon,
-Great story,
Well, actually,
it's a very romantic story,
-You tell it, Carol,
-No, go ahead, honey,
No, no, really, you should,
She tells this story great,
You don't remember, do you?
Don't remember? How we met?
l don't remember,
But l love her,
l love her!
Love is not reserved for the young,
you know,
As the poet said:
Grow old along with me!
The best is yet to be
-Yeats?
-No,
-Tennyson?
-No,
-Browning,
-Browning,
Who knows her daddy?
Oh, my gosh, l did not think
l was ready to settle down,,,
,,,but look at the size of this rock,
And you want to know what else?
l'm gonna get a cute little tattoo,,,
,,,in someplace that's
N-O-N of your business,
And wanna know what it's gonna say?
''Mrs, Casey Donovan,''
The best place to meet someone,,,
,,,is Parseghian's Armenian restaurant
in Koreatown,
l don't care if you're young,
you're old,,,
,,,you're single, you're divorced--
l'm getting there,
First Street,
Wednesday, mother-in-law night,
All she can eat,
-ln a dog park,
-Dog park, yeah,
-lt's true,
-l know,
l was very-- l was nervous,
We had no idea at the time
that we could ever wind up,,,,
Oh, that's not true, l did,
-You did not,
-l did too,
-l have a theory about this,
-He has lots of theories,
l do, This is actually a good one,
l took some notes,
Oh, God, you're so prepared for this,
You grow up, you're an adult, right?
And you think you have all this worldly
experience, right? That's point A,
You think your personality is formed,
And then you think you're complete,,,
,,,but you meet somebody,
you start feeling new things,
And you start feeling
excruciatingly painful things,
You get confused, right?
You get nauseous,
And l think when you get really nauseous,
like that, it's, like, the completion of self,
The person who can fill the final void,
That's what it was like
when l met Sarah,
-l made you nauseous,
-ln a good way, l was lovesick,
That was good, honey,